Espresso - what's your irrational fear❓

Episode Date: January 20, 2022

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My irrational fear is ceiling fans. If they are spinning even a little bit too fast, I'm afraid that they're going to fall off and chop all of my kids' heads off or entail them. How hasn't it? Why? Why does my brain tell me this? Six period. Six period. Six period. Six period.

Oh, this thing's on. Espresso podcast. I'm your girlfriend, Benny, who has a stiff neck, and every time he has to turn around, re-un six period oh this thing's on espresso podcast I'm your girlfriend Benny who has a stiff neck and every time he has to turn around he has to turn

his whole body hey can we talk real quick stand up comedy shows coming up Austin Texas October 3rd San Diego

November 7th Buffalo November 14th there's a lot more go to BennyPolizzi.com or just click that little link right under here for your tickets

watch me on FBoyIsland and Lovers and Liars on the CW app no login no username just get the app and watch me be so smooth on TV and tell your homies to join the Patreon $5 a month every other espresso

pod in a live stream every sunday who's not doing it you know join the fam and like a little sleeper a little sleeper on the on the patreon message me message me whatever you want dude there's somebody that messages me like the most insightful smart things and i'm like i never thought of that and it's like a lot too and i'm like yeah it's so helpful i mean just message me if you want to message me a picture of uh uh whopper jr that's actually perfect do that too patreon five dollars a month get all your merch glonky who's buying this? Benedict shirts, all at benedictmerch.com. But we got a lot of answers to the question of the week.

Espresso, question of the week. What's your irrational fear? For me, how does, every time I take a shower, how does the tub not fall through six floors of my apartment? How does the tub not fall through six floors of my apartment? And I just end up in the lobby naked and wet. Hey, you know. When I'm driving down the road, how does my tire not just pop off of my car and drill somebody in the head?

How does it not ever happened? How does a snake not bite my full ass every time I'm on the toilet? Just once. What's your irrational fear? We got a lot. Let's get to them. My irrational fear is band-aids like something about band-aids just trigger me in a way that i cannot handle like if i go to the doctor and they put one on me i like have to leave it there until like eventually it falls off i can't touch it i

can't look at it like the feeling of ripping it, but then also the feeling of when it's damp, like, oh my God, it freaks me out. And my kid is in her like bandaid stage where she wants a bandaid on every boo-boo. And like, I simply cannot, like, I don't want to touch them. I don't want to look at them. I'm a nurse and like i will do literally anything else but the second i have to put a band-aid on a kid i do not know why i just it freaks me out so yeah that is my irrational fear i'm not scared of band-aids i'm just like do we need them dude you could slice my leg open with a katana i'd be like you know i don't think i've never ever ever used a band-aid unless i was like six

and somebody put on my arm but if i have to draw blood and somebody puts a band-aid on me i either take it off immediately because i'm like gross or I forget it's there for like 14 days and it's just on my arm but band-aids who's buying this who's ripped a band-aid chop my finger off not putting a band-aid on it could it be

an uglier accessory dude if i see you and you have a band-aid on your arm i'm not talking to you if you're sitting there you could be the most beautiful person the funniest guy if you have a band-aid on your arm i'm like nah i'm good why is it so like uh not even the reason of it like carrying bacteria i'm just like you're a band-aid guy you're either band-aid mom or you're i've never worn a band-aid in my entire who needs them get a shot put a band-aid on for what are you gonna bleed out i'd rather hold my arm band-aids bro i can't remember the last time i actually was like hi does anyone have a band-aid

i need a band-aid okay maybe because i cut my okay okay okay okay i did slice my finger open when i was working one time and i was cutting lemons and i put a band-aid on my finger but oh right like five minutes after the band-aid i take it off so i'm like i don't want to be band-aid guy so i have this like really weird fear and i don't know where it came from or how it even started i could listen to you all day it's just like hand injuries right like getting a paper cut oh you know messing up a nail breaking a finger or like if it happens to anybody else either i'm like i cannot function it is the weirdest thing and i cannot explain it no i kind of feel you you just gotta put a band-aid on it bro don't be

don't be all macho who doesn't use band-aids no but i got a paper cut one time and i'm so scared i'm so like i'm such a bitch around paper i'm like um you ever get a paper cut from like some serious from like a poster board right in between the webbing of your fingers god dang dude i got a paper cut one it was i was an art class and i got a paper cut and i was like is this i need a bandit no it's it was it hurts so bad and i i always try to i try to like walk a little shit off like that but dude right how come how come every time i get a paper cut on my finger the next thing i do is like dip my finger in like some like some type of like why do i dip my whole hand in a a bowl of sunny d after that i'm like

god damn it we'll never remember that that i have a paper cut all over my thumb and they're so he's right dude the little like hangnails, dude, that'll ruin my entire day. And it like, when I get a hangnail, for some reason, I feel like I almost like bruised my finger too. I can't use my whole hand. If I have a hangnail, I love you burpee boy. Oh, whoa, dude. I am the absolute king of biting my nails too short i've had i've been captain i've been sergeant short now like you know you bite your nails a little too short and you like honestly can't even use your the right half of your body anymore you're like i can't even grab a cup and it just feels so good why do you bite him so short then you it because like you know when you're you're eating like a dessert and it's in a big pan and you gotta like even it out you know when you're eating a cake and it's in a big pan and you're like i gotta even this

row out i better even that out oh there's one piece i gotta make it a straight line like a laser cut this cake that's what i do with my with my nails i'm like i know it's bad but like yo i at least gotta make this like perfectly round then i make it perfectly round and you gotta amputate my whole entire hand because i can't use it i've been terrified that if i have both my windows down in the car or all four of them down that a bird is going to fly and get stuck in my car i'm going to have a panic attack because it's going to scare the shit out of me and then i'm gonna crash my car and then i'll probably die but the bird will probably live it's

so true how come birds aren't doing that yet? So I can just I can just accidentally leave my patio doors open in my apartment for a whole day and no birds will fly in here. How long does it take for a bird to fly in your apartment or car? So I can't be at a red light just chilling with my windows. Dude, birds should be obliterating us at red lights. God, can I just be a bird for a day? A bird or a cat? Oh my God.

My whole entire For You page is just cats with cameras on their collars. And this just shows what they do all day i'm like cats are the freest things in the world they do whatever they want whatever they want no rules for a cat birds should be out here terrorizing our cars yeah i know yeah i can tell like while driving pretty tough, pretty tough for a bird to just fly in there. Not going to lie. My rational fear is when I'm driving in a car with two of my windows down or maybe just one of them down. That that noise is going to happen, that. You know, when you're driving down like a road and all that i don't even know what it's called but the air like gets trapped in your car i feel like my irrational fear is that's just gonna blow my brain out that thump gets so loud how do birds know

that it's just the best living situation in the world is just right in the middle of the target sign on the front of the target building just right in the bullseye you ever see one of Dude, birds used to own store signs. The Owen Kroger. Kroger, if you're a mom. Birds used to just do the best apartment in the city for a bird. The Owen

Kroger. Just chilling in there. Now they put spikes and shit on the store signs i used to get so jealous of a bird oh my god look at that nest oh my look at that nest oh my god right in the dip of the s on marsh i'd, ooh, bro's got the penthouse. Tell me why every time I'm driving I assume that cars will swerve over into my lane and hit me

and kill me instantly. Don't even get me started on those roads where there's no median and the cars come in directly at you inches from your car. And trucks come in little mini panic attack uh all the way down the road uh i'm like 99.7 sure that's how i'm gonna die one day but oh for sure yeah that's mine and it happens every day it's real nice. Okay. Love you, Benny. Love you more. Oh, love this guy.

I forgot. Forgot I love you so much, sir. Realize who you are at the end. I don't know who you are, but anonymously, I do. It's crazy. I have this image of you guys in my head when I listen to these. When I listen to these and I hear you guys a couple of times. Dude, one lady came up to me after a show and she started talking.

I was like, you're the... And she's like, yep, fam. I was like you're the and she's like yep fam i was like but yeah he's right hey you know when like there's three lanes of traffic and you're on the far outside one and there's another car on the far outside one there's the middle lanes free how has it never happened that both of you guys try to go in the middle lane at the same time? Every time I do it, I'm like, they're going to and we're going to crash. How does it not happen? And the little mini panic attack.

I just feel like I've said it so many times. How are how aren't people getting in car accidents two thousand times a minute the amount of things that can go wrong and they're not going wrong i'm like i feel like a car should be blowing up every 17 seconds on the road yeah i'd be like she's sure why wouldn't it all those things in a car and it's not. You're telling me I can just leave my car on and pump gas. And my car isn't going to explode at the gas station, make the gas station explode and then make all the cars explode at the gas station. That's never happened.

Except for on Grand Theft Auto, and that's why that's in my head right now. Except for on Grand Theft Auto, and that's why that's in my head right now. I can almost promise that I've been... You know when a semi goes by your car and you're like, How many times have I owned? I just want to know how many semi drivers, semi truck drivers I've pissed off in my life. Cause I probably like this fucking dude.

I do. I inconvenience him every single time. I'm like, I don't know, bro. You're like too big. That's my excuse. Cut one off.

It rolls off the side of the road. I'm like, you're just too big. My irrational fear is ceiling fans um if they are spinning even a little bit too fast i'm afraid that they're going to fall off and chop all of my kids heads off or entailed how hasn't it why why does my brain tell me this because why hasn't it if a ceiling fan came off the ceiling and sliced my head off, I'd be like, duh, obviously.

Has it not happened? It happened to me one time. Didn't slice my head off, but boy. Dumbest way I almost died, freshman year, college football, there was like a fan. You know, you see a fan that's like okay that's gonna kill me it was just we were just letting it roll bro it was like the whole base of it was like it was out of control but we just whatever we just let it i was like it must be good it must

have been doing that for like the last 15 years i don't know why that makes it any better but i was at my locker and one of the like blades popped off the fan and like right in front of my face drilled the locker it would have been really crazy if the blade would have got like stuck in the locker but it didn't it just like hit the locker right in front of my face had Had no clue it was even happening. One of my friends was like, yo! And I was like, what? Thank God I didn't know.

Dude, that's the beautiful thing about dumb people. You never know shit. So I didn't know. I was like, oh, no way. Oh, okay. Didn't even know. Yeah, every fan in the world should come out of the, like every blade of a fan should come out of the thing and slice people's heads off buying a fan i know that installing if that's why i've never installed dude people that install fans in other people's houses aren't you like well

they're gonna die how about that fan at your grandma's house that like. Was not safe at all. Everybody's grandma had a fan that like you could easily slice your whole entire hand off. Both hands. Well, shit. Like there was no cage. Every grandma owned a fan with no cage on it and you're just like how is this okay why do you why did why do you still have it with grandkids around and

shit you're just like yeah that'll work every do that one fan in the basement your grandparents house and you're like yo that thing that thing. That's a weapon from like World War II or something. That's grandpa's fan. But then the fan upstairs didn't work one time and they had to bring that fan upstairs to cool off the living room on a hot summer

day and you're like, whoa, bro. They brought up the World War II fan I just have memories of being at my grandparents house like I think I was there for too long so we go to my grandparents house for like a week because they lived out of town

anybody else do that and you start like you start being like a little too comfortable with your grandparents literally absolutely nothing to do just making up games in my head and shit i would hang out with my grandparents all day for four days straight and and start like doing like crazy stuff like one time i bought a bought a bunch of balloons and i put them under the cushions of every chair so when my grandma sat down it'd be like and it never worked she sat in every chair

and i was like every time i was like god damn it she was like what i was like uh never mind you were supposed to sit down the balloon was to pop. It was supposed to be like you farted. Never mind. It was going to be hilarious, but never mind. I swear to God, my grandma had to think I was so weird, bro. I went, I was in a tree. I was standing in a tree for the whole day. In a tree, both feet on a branch, my arms on another branch, seven hours.

You hungry? I'm good. Just chilling. Seven hours. I had a basket up there full of mini apples from the tree. I'd pull them down, put them in a basket. And I think I threw them at birds. I just sat there the whole day.

I'm like, this is my kingdom. No one can see me. Bro, people had to drive by like, what if they're still up there? What the hell is he even doing? Nothing. I didn't have a Game Boy. Nothing.

Next week's question. What's the weirdest thing you did at your grandma's house oh my god you low-key getting in trouble at your grandma's and you're like god damn it just don't tell my dad please don't tell my dad holy shit don't tell my dad i started like uh my grandma would like always be like you want something to eat and i started like abusing it kind of because i was like all all she wants to do is like make me food i just started saying yes and it'd be like 2 p.m and i'd be like can i have some ice cream, and she'd make me a bowl of ice cream.

Like there was never a no for food. It was just green light, green light. I could have asked for anything and it would have been there in 30 minutes. On the table with a glass of milk and a mini fork and spoon i love mini forks and spoon because my grandma starts crying it could have been july 2nd and i could have been like hey can can you do thanksgiving like i'm kind of hungry do you have like thing and she would have pulled out last year's thanksgiving food perfectly perfectly edible everything and i would have eaten it right then and there,

30 minutes with pumpkin pie and whipped cream on the top. I mean, I wouldn't say this is irrational because it could totally happen, kind of like a snake biting your butt when you use the toilet. But I basically picture my death every single time I go down the stairs. I just think I'm going to fall and tumble to my death. single time i go down the stairs i just think i'm gonna fall and tumble to my death oh yeah can we bring it back i haven't had heard a good remember that was so that was so it for our podcast i don't know if it was ever it, but. Yeah.

See, that's the thing about stairs. Somebody needs to set an example. Somebody needs to fall down the stairs hard and then you'll never slip up on the stairs. Did we are all at this girls? We're all at the volleyball house one time in college volleyball house was lit it's like three girls lived in this big ass house me and my friends always went over there because it was a huge house and it was like how did you guys i don't even want to how did you guys rent that what is even going on who's paying i don't know i don't care but it was like the morning and i woke up on the couch just like what and this girl from upstairs came downstairs heels from the night before going out clothes from the night before

you can hear the heels upstairs you know like when your teacher walks through the hallway and it sounds like a Clydesdale, I was like, okay, I'm up. She starts going down the stairs. She fell down every single stair. There's like 17 stairs,

like an old house, you know, like old houses around colleges that they just ran out to kids for like way too much money and i kind of thought she was kidding or she like slid a box down the stairs so i was like uh she's like smart she's like a she's like smart and she goes to like this different college and she's like studying and all i was like my thing in my head was like she's the smartest girl ever every and in moments like that

i'm like so embarrassed sometimes that i don't even i just i just pretended i was sleeping i was like i'm just gonna i'm not gonna say anything just get out of here while you can like that that was the vibe i might have looked at her and i was like just go just go i'll remember this for the rest of my life and say it on a podcast in 20 years but you just get the hell out of here caitlin brandon um but yeah after that i was like i'm never i'm never missing a step never after that in heels and going 7 a.m craziest thing ever um how about when you're going down the stairs in the dark and you like

forget there's one more step and your whole entire life flashes before and you have no idea how you landed it people are here you okay you're like ah yeah nothing nothing or you think there's an extra step at the top because it's dark and you do that weird like lunge thing you're done with the stairs and you do that that gallop you're like oh so weird i'm like how have i not dislocated my knees on every step dude the stairs in old houses that the width of the step is like this big how many houses have i been in with stairs that are the size of uh an iphone i'm like the this big the width of an iphone whatever that is i'm like why do i have to tiptoe an iPhone, whatever that is. I'm like, why do I have to tiptoe up these stairs, bro?

And it's always the old, how come every house I've ever been in is from the Civil War? Two war references. My rational fear is going to try on shoes and then having the new shoes I'm trying on and then leaving the box behind and then leaving my shoes I came in the store with and like someone coming up and putting them in the box and then putting the box up on the shelf somewhere and then me not being able to find my shoes. Oh, my God. And so I have no other choice but to buy shoes.

Or someone grabs my shoes and puts them on their feet and walks out the store with them. And I'd still have to buy new shoes against my will or if i didn't like them i'd have to find some i liked it's like the best worst problem ever oh shucks i gotta buy new shoes dude um there's a horror story i don't know if I told you guys this, but I worked at Champ Sports when I was in college in the mall. Best job I've ever had. But somebody got a pair of shoes for somebody.

Can I get a size 12 in these? Went back to the back, got them, bought the box out, and there was a rat in one of the shoes, and it scurried away. Does it sound made up now? Yes, it does. And I don't believe it anymore either. Yeah, but how come every time I'm in the mall. Who stole my shit? My dumb ass.

Every time I'm in the mall, I have four bags with me. Okay, not every time because I never buy shit in the mall. I just look because I'm 17. Every time I go to the mall and I actually buy something, why do I leave that bag in a PacSun? And I go in the PacSun. I race to the PacSun. And I'm like, hey, do you have that picture of me?

Oh, my God. thank you so much every time I'm in the mall I gotta leave something at a different store on the bench dude and why do I think 19 scavengers are gonna take it they're watching me and they're gonna take it right when I leave the store. Dude, I leave my phone on the ground while I'm working out every time, everywhere. Am I the only one that does this? When you're working out, dude, I just throw my phone next to the machine and do the shit. And then that's it. I don't know if I see anybody else's phones out when they're working out. I don't know if I see anybody else's phones out when they're working out. And sometimes like I'll use my phone to mark the machine.

Like, oh, the benches are always taken. It's Monday, big chess day. There's a bench open. I'll literally throw my phone like seven yards away. It lands by the bench and I'm like, that's my bench. And I go get like the weights so nobody takes it. But every time I'm like, how is no one stealing my phone? Who wants my old iPhone 13?

Does anyone know what iPhone I have? Somebody asked me what iPhone I have. And I'm like the one from like four years ago, I think. They all do the exact. I haven't seen an iphone where i'm like damn i want that one bro i don't know uh as long as the emojis are new i guess the camera on the camera in the camera in the camera i'm like suck my dick dude no difference from uh hey hey hey when iphones didn't have video you guys remember that what dude that blew my mind i had to download a video app for the iphone the iphone doesn't have video dude there was another thing it didn't have too. Maybe flash.

I was like, dude, what are you guys doing? And I was able to buy this phone. It has a camera for pictures only. Kill me. Is it such a weird process to try on shoes in a store? I'm like, we're still doing that did did they allow that over covid so i can take my bro the amount of times oh shoe people have to be like this dude

bro i've tried on shoes before without socks on like i walk in their dirty ass shoes still kind of do it like when i was a kid my shoes were like it looked like they went through a fire my mom wouldn't let me get new shoes unless my old shoes were like like a homeless person's shoes like you could see my toes in them and you know what i mean i still kind of have some shoes like you could see my toes in them and you know what i mean i still kind of have some shoes like like that where my pinky toes popping out the side i'm like why do i keep wearing these hobo shoes there would be zero traction on the bottom my feet are busting out the sides way too small my mom would still be, you can give it a couple more weeks. Dude. I'd walk into a footlocker with those shoes, beat nasty socks, yellow socks with a big, with a, what's the silver dollar size hole in the bottom of my sock?

And then try on the freshest pair of shoes in the store like nothing ever happened bro people had to be like yo that's got to be some that's got to be like a weird bro i will use shit to the last drop i'm just thinking about how gross my Rob. I'm just thinking about how gross my nasty feet were. You guys know my feet. In every shoe? Hey, trying on sandals? Weirdest thing ever.

Taxes and anything related to government paperwork. Although I think that's a rational fear because if you do it wrong and you get in trouble like how are you supposed to know seriously so yeah fill out your taxes you better do your tax i'm like how would i know if they're wrong i feel like i'm guessing so i'm like i think dude i do some my taxes i don't do. I don't do them. I don't do them. Pass that to my family tax lady who God knows she has to be like, what are you guys doing? I have no idea. That's the thing about mail, too. Like, how am I supposed to know if I'm ever going to jail like you're gonna like come to my apartment how the fuck are you gonna I don't I barely even know my own address right now somebody asked me

my address the other day I was like hold on let me look in my phone I have no but you're what are you gonna do are you gonna are you gonna mail me a letter that says I have 30 days where I'm going to jail? I'm never going to see that. Got to file your tax. What? What is this shit? They got to be doing that in high school now, right? I know that's like the age old. What do they teach us how to file our taxes in high school?

But like they're doing that now, right? Because what? I should have been in jail that'd be the bitchiest thing to go to jail for yeah dude three years what'd you do filled out my w9 wrong you never hear about that shit um my irrational fear i've had since i was a kid is going swimming at night and a shark attacking me out of nowhere um completely impossible but i guess it wouldn't be an irrational fear if it wasn't so god damn i just got scared again scared doing a podcast part 8952 i've never thought that because i've never seen jaws somebody was like dude don't want if you

watch jaws you'll never be able to like swim again kind of i was like oh never gonna watch it never seen it but i've never had that where i'm like there's a shark in here i'm always just like there's i always think there's something going on outside of the pool you ever night swim oh god that's so scary i can't do a lot of a lot of that kind of stuff by myself i could be in a pool. My friend goes inside to get a Mountain Dew, comes outside. Bro, I will be so scared.

I might be out of the pool. I can't do anything. I'm in a pool at night. I'm like, there's somebody behind that tree. God damn it. There's somebody behind that tree, right? Every single time. Every time.

I'm like, why is there somebody behind that tree? Why is that guy looking at me from his porch? Not a guy at all. It's a pot. How come every time I do anything outside at night, I'm like, oh God. Yep. There's my stalker. But I feel like nine people are following me. Do I ever think there's sharks in a pool? No, but I think there's a dude in the pool in the deep end just. Floating.

Bro, going to the deep end at night is kind of crazy. That corner, that back back corner you're like ah the ball went over there get it i'm like i'm gonna get out of the pool and walk around on the edge get the ball and then i'm getting out of the pool though on that weird like metal like ladder on the side i'm like there's seven dudes grabbing at my feet for sure that's when the shark comes up that's when the shark gets me swimming at night i'm like whatever we're good. But right when I get out of the pool, seven sharks going for my foot. Every time.

Hey, I gotta get out of the pool. Even in the daylight. Let's keep going. I love you. Scared of the irrational bullshit Milky Boy Milky Boy confessions anyway

yeah irrational fear definitely gonna be the dark everyone's gonna say it's a basic bitch move I know but there are no buts it's just that you know or that i'm gonna like sleep wake up from like a sleep paralysis thing and there's gonna be some freaking demon in my room and i'm like half asleep say half not and it's just gonna be that dude like i know it's not there dude even in the freaking shower my guy eyes are closed freaking fins up swimming

through that shit and i'm just rinsing the soap and shampoo off the flow my guy it's time to go bars yeah definitely the dark you know what i mean or i don't like turning my back to shit oh this one's way better being in a body of water with objects larger than myself, case in point. Back in what I call summer 2018. Game Man guy. He was playing a little baddie. A little baddie. A little baddie.

Love the Milky Boy relationship stories. Friends with Shane Schmeiman. Anywho, her uncle had a boat and a jet ski. We're having a great time frolicking about the water like a couple of dipshits and then some are just having fun some are love you know any whoosies so we jump time wise we got time so i'm having a great time jump off the boat midair having a great time loving life laughing my ass off having a joyful time as soon as my giant ass hits the water i'm starting to get back hits the water i'm starting to get back on the boat i'm internally freaking the hell out because there's a big thing in the

water with me and i myself it's a boat okay jet ski flew off had so much fun as soon as i skidded it hit the water freaking out trying to get back up if i'm in a pool there's a pool hose my guy i'm losing every bit of sanity you know what i mean it's so dumb but being in uh bodies of water with our objects larger than myself that kind of uh it doesn't it doesn't float my boat. Is that what he said? Hold on.

Run that back. Being in bodies of water with our objects larger than myself. That kind of dampens the mood. I don't know what he said. But I love you Milky Boy yeah I've been scared to death out of the lake before late night at a lake you'll see some shit

and I think it's all legit late night at a lake one time I swear on my entire soul I saw a lady in a wedding dress but i was like with four dudes and i was like that's a lady in a wedding dress and it looked a hundred percent i think it was i was like that's a ghost the ghost of a dead bride or some shit but one of my friends like wasn't into getting scared you know i'm like

you ever have that one friend that's like not i'm like bro come like yes it is if i'm with two people that are like talking about getting scared i'm gonna get i'm gonna get scared for the for the situation oh i don't feel like getting scared tonight so i'm gonna say no and be like no if we're getting scared we're getting scared three dudes so scared of the lady in the wedding dress and one of the guys just like nah bro i don't see it i'm like come on yo benny you ever driving along next to a truck that has about 25 to 30 logs on it? And for a split second, you just think, man, if one of those cages holding those in were to just fall down, your life would be over immediately. This guy's good.

Every time I'm behind a truck that has stuff strapped to it, I'm like, are we sure that's held down? What? I think it's insane that you can just put anything in the in the truck bed and it's like, yeah, it's got to be strapped down. Like, OK, but how does he know?

Like. You can put a jump rope on top of a truck bed full of logs and I'd be like. I guess there's no rules for that. You can put a thousand swords in your truck bed. As long as there's one strap over the top, you're good. What? How is everything staying on?

Although I have put my phone on top of my car, driven like two and a half miles, turning and stuff, gotten out of the car and my phone's still on top of my car driven like two and a half miles turning and stuff gotten out of the car and my phone's still on top of the car so maybe but yeah every time i'm behind a truck with a bunch of shit i'm like how's how's all this stuff not impaling my windshield and going right through my throat i mean if that's how i'm gonna die that's how i'm gonna die i'm gonna get hit by a car for sure the end you know i'm gonna do when i'm about to get hit by the car but when it's coming towards me i'm gonna like i'm gonna be like i can jump over this car. Car. Car.

Car. Car. Yeah, like behind like a gravel truck. I'm like, yo, rock through the windshield. Just do it already. A plane falling out of the sky and crashing on top of my house. Hey, how? Hey, every plane. How you not falling out of the sky and crashing on top of my house. Hey, every plane, how are you not falling out of the sky?

You just can't. I can't wrap my head around the fact that there's just planes and they never crash. Every plane, every flight, a million flights every day. And those aren't running into each other like not once. What? So you're telling me I could have been across the country this morning? It's so insane. What?

You'll never. How is a plane not falling out of the sky right now? Right now. What? You'll never. How is a plane not falling out of the sky right now? Right now, right now, right now, right now, right now. They always have enough fuel. Dude, when I get on planes, I'm like, they probably didn't check something, right? And all the planes are from like 1951. I'm like, there's not an updated plane. There's like three.

No, like all the Southwest like plane. They like. No, they just redid the seats inside of the old ass plane. It's so mysterious. I'm like, what do you guys know that I don't? About planes. so mysterious i'm like what do you guys know that i don't about planes so like all this stuff works on it like this just flew from california to new jersey and all you're sure all this stuff works we're just flying right back and it's gonna work okay i mean i about to dig it Okay, I mean, I about to dig it.

My irrational fear is getting stuck in, like, confined spaces. Specifically, like, if I'm in, like, a public bathroom. Ooh. And I shut the door and lock it, that, like, I'm not going to be able to open the door and, like, get back out. Like, I'm going to be, like, like trapped in there no one's gonna know but if it's a like stall I've thought about that like that I feel better with because if for some reason it didn't open I could like crawl under like the bottom but if it's a door and it's just like a one person like who's gonna know I'm in there and how do i get out if it locks me in um an elevator just malfunctioning like when i'm in an enclosed space and i can't get out again

that freaks me the fuck out um a walk-in cooler okay all right freezer that's the one baby girl work in a restaurant or whatever like just going in there to grab extra like tub of ice cream and you go to open the door and it's just locked like oh just anything with being like locked in and like can't get out. Like, so now if I am in public and I go to the bathroom, I just won't lock the door. I'd rather somebody walk in on me than me potentially get locked in. I don't know. That's my rational fear. I think I'm the opposite.

I'd rather die in a bathroom than somebody see me taking a deuce. And it's happened, bro. I've taken it. I've taken one and somebody's walked in and I'm telling you, my pants were just on. It was just so like, oh, last thing I thought was going to happen type. I was taking an at home deuce in public and somebody walked in. And it was like, oh, wow, bro. You know my whole life. You know my whole life. You know my whole life. Hey, what's up?

And then you got to see the person after. It was somebody that worked there that I know. I was like, dude, you know how I do it? And he's like, sorry about that, dude. I'm like, bro, there's's no sorry you're just my brother now like you're just i might as well just give you all my passwords here's here's everything we have to kiss you see me taking a deuce we got a kiss sorry you're we're in love we have to be it's the only way it's the only way i can go on just full taking a deuce crazy said taking a deuce so many times hey how about when you accidentally lock your dog or cat in the bathroom for like four days and you're like oh my god

they're in there okay now four days that's a little much i meant six but you know what i mean it's been like seven hours you're on the couch doing absolutely nothing doesn't even cross your mind and then you hear a bark that sounds like it's from the house next to you and you're like oh it's been like oh my god in my closet and then you let them out and you act like and they just they like rush out kind of but you're like hey uh you're trying to act like you didn't do it like you didn't do it like i'm good right we're friends still right okay we're friends good they like miss you you're like wow you have no idea i almost just killed you sorry i think my dog was in my mom's closet for two days one time completely forgot didn't make a noise he didn't make it okay

open up the closet on some i don't even know i i wasn't even looking for him and i opened up the closet on some, I don't even know. I wasn't even looking for him. And I opened up the closet, just came right out. I was like, Oh, POV locked your dog in your mom's closet for four hours and had zero idea. Hey buddy. Oh my gosh.

I miss you. You almost died. Yeah. There's been a couple of situations where I can't open a door or something's weird and I can't. I'm like, ah! Dude, it's so, so chaotic in my brain. Like, I'm locked in forever! And then you press the door the other way and you're like, oh, okay.

There we go. We're good. Sorry. Yeah, I know how to work that door. We're good. Sorry. Yeah, I know how to work that door. The amount of times I've crawled under a fitting room at the mall because I didn't want to ask somebody like, hey, can I check?

Like when I was like younger, I didn't want to. I just didn't want to talk to anybody. When I was a kid, I didn't want to talk to. I don't want to now either. But it's like. It's easier when you're a kid. Like you don't want to tell the person at old navy that you have three things to try on or whatever so i just walk in there slide under the

fitting room i'm like i'm not stealing like come on dude i just don't want to talk to you three items here's your big number three put that on your door honey i'm like okay embarrassing one the fact that I even want three things from here kind of embarrassing don't know what size I am

so I'm just gonna bypass this whole thing slide under the door and I'm just gonna get this done without either of us knowing either of us caring you don't have to keep tabs on me bro trying on jeans has to be the most exhausting thing is it the girliest thing i've ever said probably not at all when you have to get a new pair of jeans it's like go to every store try on four pairs maybe dude when i when i get a new pair of jeans i think i try on 32 pairs of jeans there is nothing i'm like this is a pilates class just taking them off taking them off you gotta take a picture do these look am i insane you

can't send it to somebody because the mall for some reason the mall has zero service I'm like this is the place where I need to send pictures never can I never have I ever sent a picture in the mall why is it forbidden territory so exhausting trying hey have you ever gotten the the right size and fit in style of jeans on the internet he can all dude kill me 32 32 i know it my last jeans were 32 32 i'm gonna get them from the same store i'm'm going to get the same size, same style, same everything. Jeans come in. I try them on. Don't fit. Why? Oh, my jeans thought I was in sixth grade. Cool. Tiny jeans. Why? Same same exact size what's happening yeah that irrational fear that of you being stuck somewhere it's from that one man i saw it on i

saw it on like fx when i was like i was just flipping through the channels when i was like 10 i forget what movie it is maybe Maybe it's Final Destination or something. But this girl gets in the tanning bed and somebody zip ties it. Oh! I wouldn't mind it. How'd he die? Doing what he loved.

You're in your casket. Just so bronze. Wow, dude looks good. Are you sure he's dead? Bro looks tan and kind of hot. Is he dead? Can we kiss him? Hey, Benedict.

This is my first time recording for the podcast. I love you. Irrational fear. So my irrational fear is if I step foot in a porta potty at the fair or an amusement park, that somebody's going to tip it over and I'm going to be covered in all the stuff that comes out of the porta potty. I think it started because I saw like that episode of Jackass whenever I was in middle school and I'm just scarred for life. So that would have to be mine. How has that not happened?

Dude, the experience of going in a porta potty. Have you ever, like, I think I went in the worst one of all. Like, what are people doing in there? I went to, what, Rolling Loud? At wherever the hell the Rams and Raider. There's 50 teams that play there. Guys sound like a girl. I don't know the name of the stadium here.

Lo-Fi. Hi-Fi. Wi-Fi. Went there. Went to a port. There's a porta potty in the parking lot. I'm like, I'm going to pee before I drive home because I don't want to scream the whole way home and complain the whole time at every light that i had to pee so bad bro i couldn't even pee in the bathroom couldn't do it the whole thing who's cleaning that what are people doing in there

toilet paper all over the ground ball all inside the toilet just just like what the what happened wow how do they clean porta potties next person i'm having on the podcast is a guy that cleans porta potties and i just want to be like dude tell me everything what do you do you take them apart power wash them do you burn them and rebuild them? What is happening in there? Are people just, dude, there's poop on the ground. Said poop. I'm going to kill myself. There's toilet.

Just everything is so soaking wet. I'm like, who? I couldn't pee in it. Like the, the, it was filled to the brim. And I'm like, do I just pee in the parking? Am I going to get arrested if I have to? I went to a festival and it had like one of those VIP bathrooms. You ever do that?

Now, those I can get down with. They're like not porta potties. They're like an RV version of porta potties. I'm like, oh, you guys have like mouthwash. Like, what are you guys offering? Do you guys have Chick-fil-A nuggets in here? I promise they probably would there's probably a guy that would like how's there not a vendor it's like the nicest bathroom i've ever been in my life i'm like

what's rent feel you though girl i like to face my rational fears both of them but i'm still fearful of them i have two of them my first one is choking off of a mozzarella stick yes yes i'll still eat the living shit out of them but i still fear i might choke and die off of one one day my second irrational fear again we still have to shower every day is falling in the shower and having to be found naked in an awkward position because i hurt my back or i've died or something weird those are my rational things i love you clean that's actually a rational fear for me not choking on a mozzarella stick i'm gonna jinx myself and probably die in like the next two days but i've never really choked on anything like for some reason i can

always figure it out my throat's like my rational fear is that i'm going to die eating like too much in the car. I've done that so many times and I'm like, yo, God, I'm so close to dying. I swear. It's just all in my throat. Like, I want to see the x-ray. Like if I, because I eat in my car, like it's just the normalest, most normal thing to do. Where did I? Maybe a sub.

You know what it is? It gets me every time. I used to be just down in those wraps from Subway. I don't think they have wraps anymore at Subway. Tomato basil wrap, OG wrap. And I'd be like, put rotisserie chicken in there obviously lettuce tomato tiny bit of honey mustard and i would just pop bro i'd eat in three seconds in my car and i'd every single time i wouldn't get a drink so i'd be like whatever i don't need a

drink who's buying drinks drink you need a drink i've never ever been like hey do you want to do you want to add a drink to your order what no i'll drink out of the faucet at my house when i get there that's why he's almost gonna die but i'll be on my way home just with a whole entire footlong wrap in my throat and i'm like could pass out at any second no liquids around i'm like you know worse comes to worse like i've thought about this a lot of times i'm like i'll stop run into the 7-eleven and then put my face under like the diet dr pepper thing and i'll just pay for a dr, get back in my car and go home. But a mozzarella stick? Is it because like the cheese goes down your throat a little bit?

I don't know. I feel like I'd just be able to figure that out. I think my hangy ball is like a... My hangy ball is on the next level. I think I have a pro hangy ball. My hangy ball is like a my hangy balls on a next level. I think I have a pro hangy ball. My hangy ball is like a sticky hand. Something goes down there and it's not agreeing with my throat. My hangy balls like a Spider-Man. Hangy ball.

My irrational fear is always thinking that I'm going to be walking into the wrong locker room or bathroom when in public. So regardless of however many times I've gone to a certain locker room or bathroom to change, I always have to check if it's the men's or women's bathroom. Dude, I will check 40 you know when you check something a bunch of times like you checked if the oven oven was off checked if the

oven was off leave my house get in my car drive somewhere and i'm like did it was that yesterday when i checked that yeah is anybody else like i'm like i don't know if that was today or not i'll do that with the men's bathroom usually at an airport i'll go in the men's bathroom go in the stall and when i'm in the stall i'm like this is the women's bathroom for sure like i have no doubt in my mind this is like you ever like have a sneaky suspicion dude i did a whole i was at a hotel I did a whole photo shoot in this bathroom. Is that a cool mirror? It was like 2 a.m. I was in like New York. I was like, I'm just going to take some. I don't know what I'm going to do with this. I was in there for like 13 minutes.

And then I was like, man, there's a ton of stalls in here. This is insane. They must have like converted this from like the storage closet to like the bathroom and just put a bunch of stalls in here and then i was like oh my god this is the women's bathroom just zero like i walk out it has a big w on the wall i'm like what was i doing you ever walk into the women's bathroom and you're just like sorry like I never I'm just like yeah I've done that LA fitness probably 15 times because at every LA fitness there's women's bathroom and then a men's bathroom and then like you go to the one across the town it's like a men's bathroom and they're in a different order same hallway different order

and so if I go to one LA fitness for like three weeks, I'm like, okay, the men's bathroom is the first one. And I just do it. Then I go to a different LA Fitness and I just think it's like the last one right into the women. Just strolling in. So easily could do that. so easily could do that okay my irrational fear is that whenever i'm wearing flip-flops in a car and i'm the passenger i'm always afraid that we're going to get into a car accident and the metal of the car is going to like slice my toes off i don't know why i think it's just my bare toes with the flip-flops like Like the fact that my toesies are out.

I'm just always afraid that they're going to get sliced off with cold metal. Toesie. How has my pinky toe not been chopped off of my foot 17 times by now? Dude, I always, every time I'm in the car, I say, dude, it's so annoying. It's the most annoying thing I do besides this podcast. My foot is always on like the dash. It's. It's the most annoying thing I do besides this podcast. My foot is always on the dash. It's got to be the most disrespectful thing I do.

But I'm like, if we get in a wreck, is my knee going through my face? Like, if we get in a wreck like that, I'm done for, bro. Both feet on the dash, both knees into my skull i'm sorry but is it is it the funniest thing when people get ejected through their windshield and stay alive you ever see that on tiktok look that up on tiktok

some guy went through his windshield got up and just walked away so i have two um one is a more common one so it's uh a metaphobia i think is how you pronounce it the fear fear of throw up. Um, but mine is like extreme to the point where back in the day when I was in like middle school, um, there was a girl who on Halloween, uh, threw up in the water fountain and it traumatized me. And for weeks on end, I woke up every morning convinced I was sick and was going to throw up. And my dad let me stay home a couple of times. But then obviously after a while, I was like, no, get your shit together.

You're going to school. You're not sick. Because after I knew I was safe at home, not around to throw up, I was like, oh, like, I'll be fine. And I felt fine. So my dad just thought I was faking it. But it was like extreme, like, anxiety surrounding this girl puking in the fucking water fountain. So that's one of them. But it's like bad to the point that I can't even go on like upside down roller coasters because I saw somebody throw up one time.

Oh, on the thing? If anybody around me is sick, I can't be around them. I think they're disgusting. If I see somebody throw up, I have a completely different point of view on them. So yeah, it's bad. But no, my other one is also, I guess, probably common. But when I'm sleeping in bed, even though I am a 33-year-old woman, I can't have any extremities outside of a blanket. So true. Even if it's hot as shit in my house, I cannot have a toe, a finger, nothing besides my face. I even cover my ears.

If I have a leg dangling out of the blanket, I think that a monster or a goblin or a ghost or something is going to grab me. And I just think of all the scary movies that I've ever seen. is going to grab me um and i just think of like all the scary movies that i've ever seen and yeah so i literally wrap myself up like a damn cocoon even if it's like 90 degrees in my house i can't even do the leg out thing anymore i can't because it could because of that one scary story bro you know what scary story i'm talking about When the dude would put his hand under his bed and his dog would lick his fingers like twice, like night after night, homie would put his hand down there. He'd be going to sleep before he went to bed, put his hand under the bed. Dog would lick his hand. He'd be like, all right, cool. We're good. Time to go to sleep. Boom, boom, boom. Clockwork every night.

Then one night he did it, did it. The dog licked his hand twice. He's like, you know what? I got to go to the bathroom. The dog was dead in the bathtub. Looked under his bed. There was a guy. Ah! That was the scariest campfire story.

That's another good one. What's your campfire story you tell? Good espresso question. What's your campfire story you tell? Like I'm not on the air right now. Dude, that's so funny. You get a different opinion of people after you see them throw up. It's so true.

You've never been uglier. I want to see you throw up ugly. Dude, because your mouth, dude, I swear to God, my mouth unhinges when I throw. I'm like, my mouth has never been this open before when I'm throwing up. I'm like. Like in the mummy, that like... Like in the mummy. That dude's face in the mummy. My mouth... Dude, I could eat a whole

football like long ways when I throw up. That's how big my mouth is. You've never been uglier than when you're throwing up. Best compliment I've ever gotten. One time I threw up there. I was in a car with two girls.

God damn it. I've always been in a car with two girls when I'm throwing up. It's because when I get in a car, I'm like, yo, I might throw up in a car without even like drinking, eating something gross. I being like, I will just throw up in a car. I don't know what it is. In Teslas, a study came out that like people get so sick in Teslas because like there's a braking system that just makes you sick, dude. And I always was like, why do I, every time I take an Uber in LA,

why do I feel like I'm going to throw up? I'm like, is it they're driving dude it's because of the teslas it's always 7 000 degrees in a tesla I'm like does the driver not feel this and I feel like I'm on like a like a spinny like carnival ride I'm like I threw up in a car with two girls in there. That was kind of like cute. Girls definition of cute. Can we just figure that one out? What is your girls?

What's cute? I throw up in a car that like sounded cute. A napkin. That's like cute. A box of peaches. That's like the cutest thing i'm like what is your cute let's keep going a couple more so i live in missouri and we have the Lake of the Ozarks not too far from us. So we go there often. And I am 100% convinced that there is alligators in this nasty lake that we have.

It's super murky, a lot of algae. It's one of the biggest man-made lakes there is and i'm convinced that there are alligators in there um i'm also convinced that at any time um in my house um it's a two-story house that the first floor is going to fall through and um oh and it's just going to completely collapse on us. And then three is I am terribly fearful that you will never come back to Kansas City and perform at the improv KC, which is now actually called the Funny Bone. So those are my irrational fears. I love you so much. I remember your voice.

She's OG fam. I will come back. Kansas City sucks. I love just a city. Dude, I love a city like Kansas. Dude, I just love Kansas City. It's just so perfect, man. It's just those little cities that I'm like,

yeah, it's good. It it's so cute i'm coming back trust me never comes back i'm kidding but uh alligators i'm not scared of them anymore ever since i saw that tiktok of that guy hitting alligators in the snout with a shovel and them being little bitches. I'm like, dude, I don't think I'm scared of alligators anymore. Give me a shovel. See ya.

Give me a shovel, bro. I'll take out 40 alligators. I just remembered I had a dream about an alligator last night. Is that a revenue? Throughout the day, you're like, wow, I had a dream about that last night. You'll remember 17 hours later. Hate that, but I had a dream about that last night. You'll remember like 17 hours later. Hate that. But I had a dream about an alligator last night.

Holy shit. Because I've been watching so many alligator TikToks. Because I'm like, these bitches aren't scary. Let's keep going. That the leg press is going to come slamming down and cut my shins in half. Oh, my God. This is the one. That is the one.

Irrational fear. The little stopper things on the leg press aren't going to work. How many people have died on a leg press? Because every time I'm doing it, I'm like, yeah, this is it for me. This thing is going to crush my little bitch ass. Just. How has it never happened? Because there's like stoppers.

Like, so if you don't stop it, it stops it. No. And now I always check. I'm like, could I die on this? Yep, I could die. How is it not just slipped once? There should be a lot more weightlifting injuries, honestly,

but that is it. I think about it every time. Yep. Could die. Does four sets. Does calves too. Okay. I'll die next week.

Okay. So I don't know how irrational it is. Cause I know, I guess it has happened, but I think it's pretty rare. But every time I get my tires rotated or i get a new tire or i get new tires on my car i just have this fear like i'm gonna get in the car and i'm gonna start driving and one of the wheels are gonna fly off because the worker forgot to

tighten up the lug nuts i think about it every time and i just think like it's gonna just fly off and i'm just gonna be careening off into a ditch with my rotors making 50,000 sparks as I go down and those go down in a blaze of glory. That guy's going to change 17,000 tires in one day and not forget to screw one of them on. How? I think it should happen every day. I think a tire should pop off of my car every single time. Oh up the old lost my tire tire tire barreling down the road just spinning down the highway i would see it and be like whoa that's somebody's tire this isn't really my rational fear but i think it's an irrational fear that we all grew up with.

Do you remember when our moms used to be terrified that we may get hungry later? Like we could never leave the house without like bringing food. You're going to a doctor's office. You got to take these crackers with you. Make us hungry later. Oh my God, dude.

What if you get, take this with you? Cause if you don't eat now you might even later you might get hungry that's so crazy we all have eating disorders and body dysmorphia because of it because we like you just get hungry like that's fine my dad's like that oh take this with you take this oh my god when you're a when you're leaving your aunt's house? Is it just my family? Leaving my grandparents' house.

Take my car. Hey, we'll wrap the fence up. You want the vacuum? Dude, we would spend a whole week at my grandparents' house. The last hour before we left, we would get in a fight with my grandparents. We don't want to take anything! We're good! Tupperware with a bunch of food. Who's eating that? Bro, try to leave, try to leave my aunt's house. Try to leave my aunt's house. We're leaving at 4 PM.

All right. You'll be in the car at 6 30 PM. Dude, it's p.m. Dude, it's just unbelievable. That's the next level. Why? No, I don't want to take. Take the, you might be hungry on the way. We'll stop. You might be, you want to take the turkey? Here, take this turkey.

Take the pie. Take the rest of the pie. Take our dining room table. You want to eat the chandelier? You want to eat the chandelier? Take our dogs. Cars? You need a car you well if that car doesn't work at my home you might as well have another one take this car huh

and then they they end up talking you into staying another night i'm like what what are you what is it what is this just wait there's it's What is this? Just wait. It's a horror movie and you just never leave. Oh, you live in your aunt's basement? Yeah. Ever since Thanksgiving two years ago, I just...

I couldn't do it. I just got too sad. It is so sad, though, when you're driving away from that house on Christmas. You're like, so sad. Why did we leave? Do they think we're assholes because we didn't take anything? Hey, Benny. Yeah.

My irrational fear is falling off of a cliff. Do I live by any cliffs? No. I'm from the suburbs of Long Island and I live in Northeastern Pennsylvania now. So, I mean, there are some mountains. mountains i have a mountainous view from my deck but my ass isn't hiking or doing anything that requires me to be by a cliff but i'm scared to death that i'm gonna die that way if i'm watching a show or a movie where someone falls off a cliff i'm'm like terrified. Like that's a horror movie to me. Just people falling off cliffs. Yeah.

Don't know why. Could be because I have anxiety, but who knows? Nah. Love you. Love you too. Mean it. I've almost fallen off a cliff before. I was actually faking that I was going to fall off the cliff.

And I was like, whoa, I could have died. One more step. I was like running really fast, like on this like literal mountain in like Nevada. Nevada? I don't know why I said it like that. And I was fake like I was going to jump off the side. And I got so close. But I kind of think I would have lived.

Is that weird? Maybe that's my, what's your most delusional? Another good question. What's your most delusional, most delusional? Most delusional thing you do? I don't know. I'll figure it out. Dude, I think I can jump off of the balcony at like a sports arena

and just land just land on there on the court what's up hey i think i could do that with a cliff too if i if i jump off of a cliff there's always like another level like a couple stories down that you land on i'm like how are those goats doing that a goat will just be posted on the side of a mountain for like four and a half years i'm like what what's my rational fear shit probably monkey pox no i'm playing who the fuck even knows what that is but i'll tell you what i really don't like though and i do get scared every time i'm driving on the interstate and i'm next to a fucking semi that's got those like big ass spikes on their tires what the fuck are those for why do we need those why do we need daggers sticking out of fucking semi wheels I feel

like they're gonna stick into my car and turn me into a washing machine I don't like that shit but you know what a lot of people are afraid of and rightfully so but I just don't give a fuck about? Undercooked meat. Bro, I swear to God I'll eat a raw steak. I've never done it in my life, but I swear I will. I'll cook chicken for like five minutes total. And then I'll just—nothing happens.

I'm sorry, bro. Either I'm just built different or it's a fucking—it's a scam, bro. That's probably not true. I don't recommend this. I don't know if like legally I have to say that but yeah fuck that shit I'll just raw dog some raw meat bro I don't give a fuck anyways

monkey fox what's monkey what is monkey fox is that the new chicken pox did we update it stayed home from school had monkey pox oh my gosh did you take a bath in a banana pudding yeah those things on the side i don't know what that is on the sides of the semis i'm like is that like your cool thing? You know, when semi truck drivers get all like cocky

and they start like making their truck cool. I'm like, remember, you're a semi truck driver. Don't put the spears on your tires. Oh, I get too close. Then what? You kill me? Sorry. Sorry. I was too close. Then what? You kill me. Sorry. Sorry. I was tweeting something.

You're right though, bro. I've never eaten anything under like I've probably eaten 50 million undercooked, uh, steaks, chicken. I've never gotten sick from that. Chicken.

I've never gotten sick from that. Blood rushing down my chin while I'm eating a steak. This is good. This is good. I think we, I think our stomachs can handle a lot more than we think. Dude, when people get stomach aches, I'm like, shut up, dude. I'm like, you better be like throwing up like like cockroaches and shit like 50 cockroaches. My stomach just kind of hurts. Shut up, bro.

You have a belly ache. Oh. I was kidding and I told this girl my stomach hurt and she goes, you? I was like, yo, what if I said that to you? Dude, how many times? A. A guy's stomach aches in their life? 1. A girl's stomach aches in their

life. 5,827. What are you guys eating? Nails? 5,827 what are you guys eating nails alright let's uh that was insane that was crazy should we no we gotta go we gotta move on I've been doing this podcast

for two and a half thousand hours dear diary I got this is insane i got uh prp i get prp from uh the hair place i go to we grow hair indie if you need a hair transplant or uh prp smp i know you guys have no idea what that is prp is where they like take your blood spin it and inject it back into your head and it makes your hair like uh thicker more luscious isn't it just the links i go to to not be bald is just crazy but they were like hey we can't do prp and i was like oh man and they're like we have to do uh like viddy and i was like what is that and they're like it's the same thing only we don't take your

blood and put it back into your head we take like an umbilical cord i was like dude what are we doing why don't you just just cut my head off and give me somebody else's because this is the the this is insane anyway they did it they like they they like put it in top of my head. And I'm like, wow, I'm just going to get shots in the top of my like 50 shots in the top of my head. This is going to be great. This is going to hurt. But they do this thing where they blow cold air on your head and they like use like a light vibration. Like it's like gets a shot, gets a shot, gets a shot, gets a shot. Cold air gets a shot. Cold air. It's like,

it's like making your nerves like confused. So you can't feel it. And I'm like, bro, I could do this all day. And they're like, does it hurt? And I'm like, not one bit. Like it doesn't hurt at all. And they're like, good. Yeah. And I'm like, it's like the rumble thing. It's the vibration thing you're doing. And they're like, oh my God, you want to know what we use? And I're like, good. Yeah. And I'm like, it's like the rumble thing. It's the vibration thing you're doing. And they're like, oh, my God, you want to know what we use? And I was like, yeah, I don't know. And they're like, we'll tell you. Dude, they were just using a dildo on my head. Literally a dildo from like Amazon on my head. Just like one that's like next to a girl's bed I was like oh

is this like yours it felt so good I was like I get it you guys have any appointments available show and tell got this in the mail I have no idea how they got my address. Insane. Don't know really why they sent it to me. But I'm cool with it. Maybe this is the portion of the show, show and tell, where I just show you guys stuff that companies sent to me. This was my first email address.

And they sent me, of you who the drink chocolate drink, not chocolate milk. It's not milk. Somehow it's water. Yahoo rebranded and it looks like you who, but it's Yahoo. Like the service internet service provider. Everyone, everyone had Yahoo at one point.

But they sent me this for no reason. There's no note in it or anything. Dude, check this out. Remember this? This is going to take you back. Yahoo! Oh. Oh.

Oh. oh my god what i just want to do math homework and download an m&m song off of napster right now remember napster why doesn't our? Why is our computer so slow? Oh, because I downloaded Napster, took up half the memory, and then two music videos I downloaded with Beyonce in them took up the other half. What were we doing? Cringe moment of the week. C-c-c-cringe moment.

Thank you, Yahoo, by the way. I don't really know why, but I'm downoo by the way i have no i don't really know why but i'm down with it send me stuff i don't care they sent me this too no i'm just this long this long sleeve shirt with that on there i don't know why but yeah it doesn't fit really but maybe i'll make it a cut off crop who knows love it you guys knew i was gonna try it um cringe moment of the week this is a from the past so i was the music guy this is in the same locker room with the fan that almost uh a blade almost came off and sliced my face open kind of wish it would have big settlement and it would have had a scar on my face kind of cool

i was the guy that had the mute like i don't know why i just my thing in college was i'm gonna download all the new songs so i had all the songs on my phone. My locker was right under the big ass CD player with the aux cord. It was my job. It was my duty to play music every single day. You know how much pressure that is on top of playing for a college football team? People don't know, dude. Playing for a college football team. People don't know, dude. Playing for a college football team is like real.

It's like they're like, hey, you come here, you get your education. You become a better man. And you're a gentleman on the football field. That's what they say. But no, bro, you have no other time to do anything. You're playing football. Fighting for your life for the coach's love is what you're doing every single day and it's taking over your sanity i wasn't the fave player bro i was out there scrapping every day and it was like no matter what i now it starts crying transfers

did but on top of that dude i'm the music guy in the locker room you know how dude the you got to be the music guy in any situation it's a lot of pressure i'm doing it for 99 football players all different tastes i kind of have a little thing thrown together i'm like all right i got three new songs for practice like i'm just going to let them play, see how it goes, hop in the shower. By the time I'm done with my shower, the third song should be done. Then I'll get back on it and play something, whatever, something random. I probably have something decent on there. Get in the shower. First song goes okay. I don't hear anybody moaning groaning Black dude dancing Alright we're in

We're good we're feeling good Next song Britney Spears Toxic Comes up like Cause I download some like girly I listen to girly ass music Like pop shit Dun dun dun dun Dun dun dun dun

Dude I was The way i got out of that shower because it was like it was like playing too long to be a joke it wasn't funny it was like at a time in my in in the era where like it wasn't like oh ironic it was like dude you're probably gay and i was like time will tell but like just 10 rap songs in a row and then britney spears while your boy's in the shower the way i got out of that shower quick it dude how did i not slip and slice my whole entire face open naked i don't know Quick it, dude. How did I not slip? And slice my whole entire face open naked. I don't know.

C-c-c-cringe moment. All right, let's do days. Today, Thursday. Cheese pizza day. Nothing better. You can't convince me anything's better. You like cheese pizza? You're like basic. There's nothing better. You can't convince me anything's better. You like cheese pizza? You're like basic.

There's nothing better. I love some plain normal. Just give me something plain. God damn. I just love some normal stuff sometimes. Everybody's all unique and crazy. Just give me vanilla ice cream. Give me a normal girl. Not doing anything crazy. Just give me vanilla ice cream. Give me a normal girl. Not doing anything crazy.

Just a girl that works at Walgreens. Just give me a plain ass. Yep, that's perfect for me. Cheat day this past Sunday. I got Nashville pizza. Nashville honey pizza from California Pizza Kitchen. It was good, but I was like, cheat day this past Sunday. I got Nashville pizza, Nashville honey pizza

from California Pizza Kitchen. It was good, but I was like, man, kind of wish it didn't have all the frills. Got another one, pepperoni. They're like this big. No big deal. Had two pizzas. They're like fun size,

you know what I mean? Took all the pepperoni off. Dude, the best pizza, I'm telling you right now, don't overthink it. Don't think I'm crazy. Just take it for what it is. The best pizza, Little Caesar's cheese. But don't be like, no, but just think about it. The convenience,

the price. It's just exactly what I want. Every time I'm like, man, I want pizza. I think of little Caesars cheese pizza. Papa John's is probably the best pizza I've ever had. It's so good.

It's so good. It's like ketchup sauce. Shut up. No, it's not. Little Caesars cheese pizza in. Shut up. No, it's not. Little Caesar's cheese pizza. And their crazy bread. Honestly, their crazy bread is the best breadstick.

It's so good and it's still $5. Not mad at that. Friday. Friday. National Chianti Day. Chianti. It's a type of a type of wine i think bro i used to bang wine i used to be a bottle boy somebody told me something a girl used to day told me something about wine red wine i'll never forget i think it was uh i can't even remember the name of the wine I used to drink.

What was it? Red wine. It's just the basic ass. I don't even, I don't know what it is, but she was like, when you smell this, does it smell like bare feet to you?

And I was like, Oh shit. It's a good way to hijack somebody's brain. Cause then every time I drank wine after that, I thought of her and I was like, yo, she's actually kind of right. Lazy mom's day. Dude.

Everybody's a lazy piece of shit I figured it out I did every single mom's a lazy ass every dad's a lazy ass every person is a lazy at Kobe Bryant probably kind of lazy sometimes Michael Jordan I mean you can't be going that hard all day

like sometimes I'm like yo I gotta shut up for a second I gotta lay down and shut up this is insane can I shut the hell up I can only do like two like big tasks and then I'm like yo I literally have to lay down for like 13 minutes

like at least maybe at most like dude just just sometimes i'm like i gotta have seven minutes real quick there's just it's just a shut up like it's like you know you do like something a little too overwhelming how did i've never been able to switch gears and do something immediately right after i'm like yo can we just hold on bro wow hold on damn damn let me like let me let me let me pee and like get on my phone for like 10 minutes because whole i cannot hold on i don't know is that i think i think everybody does that right but in my head my head, I'm like, was Kobe Bryant just going? What am I even talking about? Saturday, New Hampshire Day. Who lives there?

I don't know, but I got a show January 25th, and I'm so excited for it. I've never been. I want to go to New Hampshire so bad. Why? Because it's like the first state ever, right? I don't know. Every time I've seen New Hampshire, I'm like, who is going there?

Never had a chance to go. I'm going, mommy. I'll see you there. Tix at BennyPolizzi.com or Cat Collin. I feel like they're excited. I'm so, I'm so hyped. New Hampshire.

OK. Sunday, Ampersand Day. Hey. Who named it? Remember the first time you saw Ampersand? What the fuck is that? is that a city in tokyo yeah just use the ampersand when people say stuff like that and they act like it's not i'm like okay i know you know what it is but no one else knows what that is and you know that

yeah just use the ampersand like a teacher that's like a little younger just use it i'm like no no at all what did you invent the ampersand it's an ampersand like don't act like everybody knows what that is even if they do like it's like wait what is that even if you know the guy that invented ampersand is probably like, wait, what is that again? Oh, why did I call it that? Oh, it's because when I. Oh, OK. When I was naming all the symbols, I sneezed and I just I fell asleep on my keyboard and it's typed ampersand and I had to send in like two things. I just sent it.

It's a long story, but. Yeah, now my dog's name is ampersand. So I thought it was my dog for a second. It's a long story, but. Yeah, now my dog's name is Ampersand. So I thought it was my dog for a second. It's actually the symbol. I don't know why I just didn't call it an symbol. Don't act like we know what that is. Grandparents Day Sunday. Ain't no way.

The number of dude, my grandparents had to be like are you okay i remember talking to my grandpa maybe for five hours about a power rangers video game and he had he was just all in i was like two years later i was like can I say sorry for the story I told you? Like, dude, I talk I talk to you for maybe five hours about how I was playing a Power Rangers video game. And one of the Power Rangers, I figured out that it could kick something else. He was probably like, bro, what are you on? I don't care about the Power Rangers. Grandparents are really the realest. Because, you know, they're like at the end of their patience.

I remember we were inside my mom's car, getting ready to go into my grandma and grandpa's house. And she was like, remember when you talk to grandpa, speak up and do not say, huh? I was like, is he going to literally kick my ass if I say I've never said, huh? In my life. Is he going to literally kick my ass if I say I've never said, huh, in my life? Is he is he going to grab me by my ankles and throw me in the woods? I'm so I was always so scared of my grandparents. I don't know why. One time I had that.

I did that thing. Dude, this is like my biggest fear growing up. Biggest rational fear. What's your rational fear? Maybe that's a good one. How are you actually going to die? What's your rational fear? How are you actually going to die?

One time my grandpa was telling me to like wrap a hose around something and like water something just because i was like doing some like some like grandson i was just like i don't know my mom was probably like help grandpa and i was like okay didn't need help at all i went out there i was like i'm helping you and he's probably like why i don't know jesus christ i don't even know i don't even really know you bro let's just fucking do this thing bro and he told me to wrap a hose around the tree and i did not know what he was saying i was like what is this guy saying and i was like what and he was like he said it again and i was like man damn let's do i have no clue what he's what he's talking about. And I was so scared on the third one. I was like, what'd you say?

And he explained it again. I was like, man, I don't know. I just like, I go, I don't know. I just don't know.

I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know if I heard you right. There's a lot of like birds and shit. Like, I don't know. I kind of just want to, I kind of just want to go. I don't know. I do. You hate me. Did that's how I'm going to die. I promise the amount of times that happened to me when I was a kid. That's when people say what to me, like more than twice. I'm like, come here. I love you so much. Just come here. Just,

just give me a hug here. Here's your ear. I'm just going to tell you again. And if you don't understand, come here. I will. I'll repeat it's your ear. I'm just going to tell you again. And if you don't understand, come here. I'll repeat it in a different way. Because there was so many times when I was a kid that I was like, what the... What are you saying? And yo, even if I can't hear you, I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm 10! I'm 10! It happens. Dude, I was like, that's why I like kind of shy when i was a kid i was like yo i don't want to get into one of those situations where i don't know what you're talking about again because like bro it's so embarrassing i don't know oh sorry i've never like uh like it always happened like when i was like at a basketball camp or something and then i could explain in all this shit and i was like dude i don't i don't even know what that is like i've played basketball for one year i don't know what that is and then they

act like you're stupid i'm like damn i don't really want to go to this camp anymore bro i feel like an idiot oh you don't know everything about the game no i'm nine dude that's like half the reason i didn't't excel in sports. Honestly. I was like, how do you guys know that you can do that? Oh, you guys just knew all of a sudden that you could do that on punt return? What? Bro, half the reason for everything is because I was like, okay.

I don't know. How do you guys know that shit? Again, did I miss the day? Was I sick on the day where everyone explained everything? How do you guys know so much? I don't know anything. I don't know anything! And you guys know everything? How? That's my whole life. I don't know shit! Alright, um... It's my whole life. I don't know shit. All right. I love you guys.

Thank you for the voice messages. We're going to be back next week with another heater question. And yo, I'm going to get a different, I'm going to get a different background. I can't wait, dude. I love this pod. I love you guys. I feel like you guys are super digging the pod. New listeners, what's up?

Love you. Keep, keep listening because we collectively, we have no idea what we're doing. And this is the pod where we can just, you know, say whatever we want. And I like it. Subscribe on Patreon, come to the shows. I'll see you next time.

Fuck.