Espresso - what's your personal conspiracy?

Episode Date: December 16, 2021

🔒 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗰𝗹𝘂𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝗰𝗮𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙠 (𝗼𝗻����𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗺) https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ♦️ 𝗦𝘂𝗯𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 🔹 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙚 & 𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬 ;) on this episode Ben answers the Espresso Question of the week: what's your own personal conspiracy theory? (like STD's are a myth created by condom companies) 86 News reports on Jesus being found in a tangerine, ben tries to figure out why his dad is physically unable to open presents on Christmas and he explains why he almost drowned during his dentist appointment WHOOPS 🔸𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗝𝗢𝗛𝗡𝗦𝗢𝗡: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

Hi, it's your tour guide, Rodney, and it's shot 189 of the Espresso Podcast. Come with me. This music kind of sounds like we're in a museum or something On a field trip We just Lookin' at the pictures Yeah On a school

On a, on a, on a field trip Yeah Got my school clothes on Got my aunt clothes on. Got my underwear up my butt. Kind of feels like a thong. Yeah, you ever do that with your tighty-whities? That's right.

You stick them up there. Kind of feels good. And somebody tries to get in the bathroom while you're doing it. You pull it out of your butt real quick. You're like, I'm busy! But you knock! Trying to act all tough. But you had underwear up your butt.

So now, you're just a liar Your pants, they something else But you know what they ain't? They not on fire Yeah What's up? Espresso Podcast Shot 189 I'm your host, Ben Polizzi. What's good, fam?

Hey, remember to join the Patreon for an exclusive podcast every single week. And those, they bang. I'm just telling you. It's just, it's uncut. It's exclusive for a reason. And also, we got bonus content this week. We got all bloopers and behind the scenes of past videos. I released some cat bloopers today from the art teacher interview.

I don't know if those should be out in the public. So that's why they're on Patreon. Exclusive. But okay, we got a busy show. Let's get into it. I've okay, we got a busy show. Let's get into it. I've been getting some feedback on 86 News. Maybe I shouldn't do it every week.

And, I mean, that makes sense. It's more special when you just do it every once in a while. And somebody's like, why don't you do it with James Benedict anymore? Why is it Johnson? So maybe we just... We'll do 86 News every so often. So with that being said, for 86 News, this is Johnson. In our faith-based segment of the news, religious people have been going crazy over a woman discovering a crucified figure of Christ inside a peel of a tangerine. Yes.

And when I first saw this story, I thought to myself, no way. No way. But then I saw the picture and I see the Lord and Savior in the tangerine. I'm thinking, Yahweh.

I know, I know. I know I won't. I won't. You told me last week if I do it again, I won't. I know, I know. I know, I won't. I won't. You told me last week if I do it again, I'm fine. I won't. I'll stop. I'll stop. And, well, if you can't see Jesus Christ in this tangerine, you just have to look a little harder.

All you have to do is just really concentrate. Okay, I know. I know. I just look. I'm getting to it. I'm getting to know. I'm getting to it. I'm getting to it. I'm getting to it. And by the way, I thought Jesus spoke the divine language of Aramaic. Anyway, I didn't think he spoke Mandarin.

Scott, I know, I know, I know. Hey, hey, hey, but it— I know, hey, I got you. But in all seriousness, Jesus doesn't look half bad hanging in there in the tangerine. Honestly. I'm not saying he looks hot, but he's definitely a... cutie. Oh, God!

I know. I said, hey, next said Hey Next week Next week on the 36 News This Is Johnson Johnson out Alright let's go

What's up? Let's get into the... Let's get into the... Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. Question of the week. The espresso question of the week. What's your own personal conspiracy theory? For me,

I think humans celebrate Christmas so we don't blow our heads off from seasonal depression. Think about it. What if we had nothing to look forward to in all December and January and the next best thing was Valentine's Day? Look, if you're a couple and you celebrate Valentine's Day, you're both bitches. Whoops! No, but seriously, if you freak out and you're a couple about Valentine's Day, guess what? You're breaking up soon.

Whoopsies! Love is in the air. Okay. Let's get into this. Quick, this Quick quick quick quick question of the week Caleb T What's your personal Conspiracy theory So bro

I got a hot Conspiracy for you I like it already Maybe I don't. This so-called used-to-be planet Pluto, I believe it's still a planet. Oh, and they're like hiding it for some research shit. Yeah, that was kind of sad, though, when they came out with that.

They were pretty nonchalant about it too so i kind of i get where you're coming from with that just all of a sudden remember that day they're like oh yeah and by the way pluto's on a planet we're like wait whoa what the fuck we've been memorizing the solar system for all these years and you're just gonna fucking toss it out like it doesn't mean shit to me i liked pluto too it was the underdog And it was the name of Goofy's dog Or Mickey's dog Or whoever the fuck that was Pluto bro

Who was Pluto again? If it looks up the planet Fuck off Pluto dog? It was Goofy's dog Goofy's a dog And his dog is a dog What the hell bro

But yeah that's why I like Pluto I guess Not because of the atmosphere Or the study of Scientific matters Just because the name of a planet Was the same of a cartoon dog I grew up watching That's stupid

But yeah they're like oh by the way Next week we'll talk about how Pluto is just a big ice ball but you don't need to worry about that I was kind of like sudden that kind of broke my heart a little bit your science teacher in school that day was like did you guys hear the news everybody's like yes Miss shmekabir we heard Everybody was like, yes, Miss fucking Schmeckabeer. We heard. Had you here?

Did you hear? Did you hear about, or should we even say its name since it's not a real thing? Shut up. You're a nerd ass. Colton Dover, my dog, comedian from South Bend. What's your personal conspiracy theory? My personal conspiracy theory consists of the idea that when you go to sleep and you dream, that's actually your consciousness taking a break from actually living. I think that the human body takes a break from actually, you know, not being

like alive. And like when you go to sleep and you're in heavy REM sleep or whatever the fuck, uh, you're actually, uh, dead in your bed. You're dead in the bed, um, so yeah, when you go to sleep, you're dead, you're, uh, bed dead, uh, that's what sleep is, it's bed dead, uh, it's bed death, um, and, uh, that's what my theory is, I just think that's something I personally think in my own brain, and yeah, I'm also, uh, I'm also high as shit. Don't listen to me. Don't. Dude. Colton Dover.

Why did he sound exactly like a fucking scientist from Harvard that whole entire time besides the end? But that's definitely true. When I go, I don't dream at all. I've dreamt like four times in my life, and they're all sleep paralysis dreams where somebody was going to kill me. Every other time I go to sleep, I'm just dead. When I go to sleep, I die.

Flatlines, swear. You could burn down my whole apartment and punch me in the face 40 times. Not waking up. No no I think you definitely died look when people are like oh my god when people are so tired and they always want to go to sleep and they're always laying in bed I'm like guess what you want to die whoops jigsaw tricycles in the room I want to play again. Alright. Let's keep going. Max Huber!

What's your own personal conspiracy theory? Have you ever seen the movie Truman Show? I know that's kind of a dumb question because you've seen like three movies and two from the Rocky. Yes! Thank you! Anyway, Truman Show is about this guy who basically lives in a simulation. Everyone in his life

is an actor and he's basically being filmed the whole entire time um just going about his day-to-day life anyway my personal conspiracy is that i'm also being filmed 24 7 and everyone in my life is an actor and everybody's plotting against me and um i'm the only one not in on it so yeah that is my personal conspiracy hi fam love you bro max huber gets it he gets the show that's good though man i've never thought about that god if i was just the only person everybody else was acting they'd be like god damn this guy needs to stay on task people are just watching me this guy gets a lot of coffee when he doesn't want to do the most important things he needs

to do for the day actually people might be like this show's boring as fuck How much we getting paid to act in this Oh damn I never thought about that Oof Shout out to the actors that work at the restaurant I work at You're doing a good job Those are A-list dude

Damn they're putting up with my shit like that woo better be getting that Hollywood check alright Carter baby what's your own personal conspiracy theory this isn't even a conspiracy theory unplanned pregnancies

and STDs are not real they were made up by big rubber to sell condoms to unknowing children. Damn. Dude, Carter Baby's just always on some crazy shit, so I don't know if he's kidding or not. But I guess that was pretty good.

Hold on, let's hear it one more time. He's got a good voice. This isn't even a conspiracy theory. Unplanned pregnancies and STDs are not real. They were made up by big rubber to sell condoms to unknowing children. Damn, that's wild. I bet some of that's true, though, about STDs. They probably somehow inflate the numbers and they're like, condoms, condoms, condoms, fire a nice. The weirdest condoms, by the way. What's next for condoms fire a nice the weirdest condoms by the way what's next for condoms

flavored condoms i'm like who's buying this strawberry condoms what if you just whip that out like on a first like time yeah favorite fruit just figured you know we didn't get dessert at the restaurant so who's buying this how deep in a relationship do you have to be to use fire and ice condoms how how over is that relationship what if you busted out fire and ice on the first night what's up baby you ready to heat it up then cool it down just icy hot oh let's bang shyana rodin two messages

two messages Cheyanna what's your own personal conspiracy theory Jesus Christ whoopsies okay one voice message Cheyanna Roden what's your personal conspiracy theory

hey Ben love the podcast you're actually funny it's really refreshing my personal conspiracy theory is that the creator of the game uno he or she did not make that game for family fun they intended to make that game for physical harm and violence like we're ending friendships we're ending families dogs are being kicked like i'm just saying i think that was their sole purpose that's kind of every game if you get that into a game though like stop playing i've never been

that far into the game where i've cared that much about winning i'm always like two hands in i'm like watching the game and something happens and i'm like, oh, uh, just tag me in. No way, man. People who finish monopoly get a hobby. You don't have anything else to do. You're playing that fucking game all day. Even on Christmas. I'm like,

all right, let's do something else. All right. Umar Khan. Wait, no, it's not it. Whoops.

Lindsay Ray. What's your own personal conspiracy theory? All right. Umar Khan. Wait, no, that's not it. Whoops. Lindsay Rae. What's your own personal conspiracy theory? Yo, I live in Boulder, so we're super, like, green or whatever, quote unquote. Who's high? Anyway. Can't tell. My conspiracy theory is that humans eat the same thing as a garbage disposal.

And we should be proud of it. And for all you 67-year-old boulderites, if you want to call it compost, that's fine. You're about to be substrate anyways. Look it up. It's called ecology. You're a hottie, Ben. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Dude, that was the most wrecked-ass voice message. That's got to be number one most fried voice message on the show. I know I'm not supposed to say fried anymore, and I'll do like 20 girls push-ups over there when the show's over, but that was rad. Look at, listen. That was just a

thought. That wasn't even a concern. So, I live in Boulder, so, um, we're super like green or whatever. Alright, Amanda Casabella, MD, FMHC. Sounds like a doctor, but usually that means

probably not. What's your own personal conspiracy theory? My own personal conspiracy theory is that everyone is a conspiracy theorist, but they don't want to admit it. Everyone knows, but they don't want to admit it. Everyone knows, but they don't want to admit it because it's too uncomfortable. Why do I just want her to sing the hook on like a rap song?

My own personal conspiracy theories. Yeah. Everyone is a conspiracy theorist. That's right. But you don't want to admit it. Tell them. Everyone knows. Tell them I'm Mina Casabella.

But you don't want to admit it because it's too uncomfortable. Yeah. Wow. I don't know. I don't know what you said. I appreciate't know. I don't know what she said. I appreciate it, though. Amy Bolger. What's your own personal conspiracy theory?

I think schools... She's under a blanket. ...to try to force said students into said government position according to school's location like schools in yeehaw indiana are going to want you to be more republican than schools that are in california i think it's a way to continue the tradition of not being a swing state that's why i feel like ohio like kids in ohio come out a little whack you know don't use this in your podcast please this is so stupid don't worry homie you lost me at republican all right nikki simone let's see if these can get any worse what's your own personal personal conspiracy theory. Alright, so conspiracy theory

is people follow football because they hate their miserable lives and have nothing else to focus on. Today, I'm from Philadelphia. Today, somebody called

Philadelphia Radio at 6.30 a.m. and said, Philadelphia today, somebody called Philadelphia radio at 630 a.m. And said. Yeah, I raised my three. Kids. Since they were born to hate, we hate Dallas, even my six month old. I've raised her to hate Dallas. Like, really? That's one of the earliest values that you want to teach your kids is to hate Dallas just because you're from Philadelphia. That's true, though.

People that like football way too much Get a life I can't even know Yeah it's not eat your veggies It's fuck Dak Prescott Jesus Christ I don't know if that dad wears face paint to games or not Let me know I'll hang up and listen Let's go boys Hunter William Jesus Christ. I don't know if that dad wears face paint to games or not. Let me know.

I'll hang up and listen. Let's go, boys! Hunter William, what is your personal conspiracy theory? Conspiracy theory that I totally buy into is the Loch Ness Monster. You will never be able to convince me that's not real. There's just so much about the ocean that we just don't know about it's definitely possible that thing just swung around in there no i'm with that though there's so much shit in the ocean i don't even want to know but the lochkins monster is super real how about when somebody catches that that's the that's the one that's maybe that's why

all those douchebag dudes go fishing all the time They're really just out for the Loch Ness Monster I can get down with fishing if you're going for that But if you're just holding up a bluegill Gah Alright let's keep going yo That's the last question So let's go Viral Let's keep going, yo. That's the last question. So let's go viral.

Viral is where I take the most popular hashtags on the internet and talk about them for a little bit. But before we get into viral, the Espresso Podcast is brought to you by Wave1 Media. If you want to start your own show, visit thewaveone.com viral thank you for all those responses to the espresso question of the week too those are fire even if they're bad they're good so don't be ashamed of whatever you think you might say that might not be good enough it's all good dude this

isn't the podcast where we're thinking about that we're just fucking around you already know all right viral hashtag odd christmas tree decoration my roommate's so against christmas if i even thought about putting a tree in the apartment He'd be like I don't think I'm gonna resign I was like I swear to god dude There's no way

I'd love to see that Imagine bringing a real Christmas tree Into your house in this day and age Needles Did anybody else actually do that it was a fight for like five years to convince my dad to get a fake tree he's like I just can't do it I just can't do it I don't know if I can do it we can get her we can get a fake tree but in the in the family room we're having we're having the real tree Yeah Dude and his answer every time

We were like why Like it's a pain in the ass All the needles It's a pain come on He'd just be like Just can't get enough of the smell The smell Light a candle

The smell Light a candle The smell All that bullshit for the smell That's so much crap you gotta do Dude fitting The Christmas tree Into your rectangle door Those two shapes Two dicks

All the pine needles just shaved off the tree Right when you bring it in the front door Like a tree chipper Stupid I didn't know that cats fuck up Christmas trees that bad I've been seeing that on the internet Who knew Cats really just

I mean why wouldn't you I guess object? Cats fuck with the weirdest stuff. Christmas trees. What else is the thing that cats are like super obsessed with? Boxes, lasers, like cats be more random and weird. Like cats be more random and weird So weird Boxes Put a box in your house Cats just all over it You can't figure out anything that a cat likes

Until you bring a stupid ass box in your house Oh that was it Idiot Hashtag what to do with unwanted presents We bought my dad so much bullshit over the years Because we don't know what to get him That's so funny dude We'll be like We'll be uh

Trying to ask my dad what he wants He's like don't give me anything Don't just Just don't give me anything One't just Just don't give me anything One year Like he doesn't ever want shit So one year we were all just like fine Didn't get him anything

But you know deep down he's like When we do get him something He won't open it in front of us He won't open it in front of us He won't do it One year we got him an iPad Everybody knew He had no idea We're like open it

Open it He's like I will later You kids go ahead I will later I will later He looks down and looks up We all Like glocks

Pointed to his face Open the fucking present and looks up, we all, like, glocks, pointed to his face. Open the fucking present. He won't open it, dude. That's the worst moment of my dad's life, opening a present and being like, dude, he's the most fake. It could be $6 million in a box. He'd be like, wow, you guys every every single time no matter what it is wow you kids you this is what i did we told him we got him nothing and i got him an ipad

and he goes wow you kids he looked up at us and goes, you deeked me. Who's saying that? You deeked me. Like, you tricked me. We're like, bro, I don't know anymore. Hashtag my sudden exit strategy.

Hashtag my sudden exit strategy. I have one every single place I go. Every time I go into a place, my exit strategy builds in my head as I walk through the door. It's the first thing I think of. I'm not ever like, wow, this place is nice.

The couches, the windows, the view. It's not me. When I walk into a place, I'm like, all right, if eight people come in here with AK-47s, what am I going to do? That's what I'm thinking in my head every time I walk in a door. I'm like, nice to see you. Oh, yeah, this place is cool. But in my head, all right, this is what's going to go down. I'm going gonna grab the

extension cord that's hanging right there on the wall wrap it around the window rappel down three floors come back inside behind them choke everybody out with those butcher knives that are on the counter come back downstairs call the cops what's up Bob how you doing good to see you again every restaurant I'm in I'm like okay okay if this if they come to the back not to slide under this table prop the table up while they're shooting submachine guns behind it how am, how am I going to get my to go box out? Steve, nice to see you too, man. I didn't think I'd run into you here. All right, man. See you later. And then I'll pop up, throw this butter knife at him from

the roles. No, I just, I guess was this after that, it's been a while, man. What'd you get? You got the hodgepodge? Yeah, we're still waiting on ours. Every single time. Let's do days of the week. Days of the week. Thursday. National Chocolate Covered Anything Day. Chocolate covered almonds. Those have my soul. Dude, I can't eat. This is so stupid, man.

All right, so I had like 2 out of 10 pain in my tooth for like 2 weeks. I only know it's 2 out of 10 pain because I had to tell 8,000 people at the dentist this morning. I had two out of ten pain in my tooth, but I was just like, it'll figure itself out. I'm not going to run to the dentist with two out of ten pain. I don't have that kind of insurance. But I'm like, I floss every day day I brush my teeth like a bitch I use mouthwash I have mouthwash in the door of my car

Like there's no reason I should have cavities No reason Besides chocolate covered almonds But I had 2 out of 10 pain I uh It was like 1am I do this every night at 1 a.m i'm like okay everything's done for the day so i'm finally gonna chill and what do i do when i chill i eat

so i i my my roommate was asleep i opened up his air fryer put four vegan chicken patties in there i act like dude my roommate hears everything when he's sleeping the only noise like he hears everything and i act like he can roommate hears everything when he's sleeping the only noise like he hears everything and i act like he can't hear the air fryer i'm like it's party time just me in here get the vegan chicken patties out spread hummus on the top you don't know till you try guess take my first bite my tooth just cracks right up the middle first bite and I'm like oh it hurts so bad bad I could just feel it crack right in half

Go to the dentist They do the x-ray Straight up right in the middle A crack And they're like alright we can do four things We can like Make it so it doesn't hurt But you're gonna have to chew

On the right side of your mouth I'm like trust me sweetheart i've been doing that for four weeks he's a right side chewer chewer chewer everything i eat he's a right side chewer chewer chewer he's the right side and the other options were like and then in a couple weeks this is one of the options i never wanted to be this guy you ever you ever talk to one of your boys or somebody, and it's kind of weird, and they're like, hey, watch this, and they do that thing, and they click something in their mouth, and it springs a retainer down, and four of their teeth were on it?

I might have to get one of those. I might be old weird tooth container kid. I might be that. I'm 30. Or I'm going to have to get like a dental implant or some shit. And it's like the tooth is in a weird spot. So they can't just like yank it out of my mouth. I won't have any back teeth.

You got your back teeth? All because of a goddamn vegan chicken patty. But they're like, You can't eat anything hard You can't You gotta chew on the right side of your mouth He's a right side chewer So that's where I'm at Dude the dentist is so weird

I swear it's a scam Every time I go to the dentist I'm like Why am I signing up for six more appointments every time i'm here and then i cancel all of them i'm like yeah i should come back next thursday and get that filled you're right oh and then the uh the orthodontist is coming in on every other thursday you're right i should try to yeah i sign up for 19 appointments and i walk out and I'm like, what the fuck did I just do? I should own a share of this goddamn place. But I almost like flatlined. My appointment was at 7 a.m.

What dentist office is open at 7 a.m.? I was like, is this even a real place? Or is this a Truman show? They're sucking out the water in my mouth with that hose you know exactly what i'm talking about why do they think we know how to eat like funk like use that hose all right go ahead and go ahead and close your mouth over the hose took all my breath away My lungs were flat Like a fucking deflated whoopee cushion 7.04am Almost passed out in that damn chair

The lady wouldn't stop asking me if I wanted a blanket too I was like where am I She asked me three times You want a blanket I was like No I'm good Like I'm good Then she goes Are you sure you don't want a blanket And I was like I think I'm good Like I'm good

And she goes Are you sure you don't want a blanket? And I was like I think I'm okay I'm like actually not cold For once in my life And she asked me again And I was like

Give me the damn blanket It was the best Fucking blanket ever It was gray It was like one of those Bunny blankets I was like I'm gonna pass out in this chair

While you're drilling holes In my face It hurts so bad. I remember like growing up and stuff. I went to the dentist like two times. I think like from the ages of one to 25, I went to the dentist one time. I can remember it. And I was in the waiting room And I don't even think we went in I thought we were like I think we were like It was too long And we just left

So I just went to the dentist I didn't actually go in the office And get any work done But since I was 25 Bro I've had like My whole family has no cavities I've got like 18 cavities right now And I'm about to have a retainer

With a tooth on it He's a right side chewer Chewer Chewerwer, chewer, chewer, chewer Alright, y'all That's the pod Thanks for listening, fam Remember to join the Patreon for an exclusive episode And bonus deleted scenes, behind the scenes bloopers of all the vids.

The Patreon is in it. And like, I'm interviewing like dope comedians on there. Hannah Burner, Mr. D. Hop on and give it a listen. You'll enjoy. Merch is coming. So be on the lookout for that. Thanks for following.

Thanks for shouting out the pod. Thanks for responding to the espresso question of the week. Really makes my whole entire week. And life. TBH. Okay. I'll talk to you guys next week. I found him.

He's a right side chiller.