Espresso - wildest conspiracy theory you BELIEVE

Episode Date: November 17, 2023

on this ep benny reacts to the wildest conspiracy theory that you BELIEVE in (like long john silvers is a drug front)🔒 EVERY OTHER POD IS ON MY PATREON https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi  🌴Stream FBOY ISLAND S3 on CW app for FREE🔺𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://www.youtube.com/@espressowbenedict💋Leave a rating and review boo🧢Buy some shit https://benedictmerch.com/

When you're dehydrated, that poop is solid and nice. Dude, I'm so glad these are anonymous because that girl just said poop was nice. Oh my God, he's doing it again. He's doing the podcast again. Somebody help. And he's still sick. He's been sick for 17 weeks and he won't go get it checked out because it takes too much time. What up fam? Shot 289 Espresso Podcast. I'm your mommy who only buys you birthday presents from TJ Maxx because I'm too goddamn cheap. Can we talk? Let's talk. But

before we get into everything, remember I'm dropping an Espresso podcast every other week on Patreon only. So this week it's on all streaming platforms, Apple Pods, Spotify, YouTube, all that stuff. Next week it's going to be on Patreon only. We're switching it up. We got to alternate because we got to grow the Patreon fam, the Kiss Club. If you join Patreon, you get a podcast every other week every podcast and you also get a live stream Sunday nights at 10 p.m. last live stream dude this girl came in with heat I think her name is Taryn she's new to the kiss club on Patreon and she was just firing asking me crazy shit and it was good I loved it so if you got something to ask if you got something

to ask about f boy island if you just got something to ask in general this girl was asking f boy island stuff she was like who's the most famous celebrity that's ever dm'd like just crazy and it was i was like yes i love it um join the patreon and hop in the live stream every sunday night at 10 it's's crazy. And tell your psycho friends to join the Patreon too, only if they're psycho though, because then they'll get it. Know what I mean? And watch FBoy Island live on the CW Fridays at 9 PM. If you have cable, if you don't have cable, watch it the next day on the CW app for free at noon. It'll drop the next day at noon. So show comes out at Friday at 9 PM next day on Saturday noon stream it for free. And when you get to CW app, you don't have

to like log in and shit. You know what I mean? You just download the app. It takes like four minutes. Kind of annoying. Yeah, whatever. But you don't have to like log in. You just like tap it, you don't have to like log in. You just like tap it, type in FY Island season three, watch the most recent episode. It's lit. It's getting sexy. That last episode had me fucked up, bro. We'll get into it later. But, uh, the question of the week this week, the espresso question of the week, let me make sure I'm recording this shit. Okay. We're, we're good. We're good. Espresso question of the week. We're going to talk about FYI and stuff next week. But espresso question of the week this week.

What's the wildest conspiracy theory that you believe in? What is it? Daddy's getting comfortable, huh? He said daddy. He meant to say mommy. That was kind of cringe. What's the most, what's the wildest conspiracy theory that you believe in? He said, daddy, he meant to say mommy. That was kind of cringe. Uh, what's the most,

what's the wildest conspiracy theory that you believe in? For me, this one just, this one just sprung about the other day while I was at the airport. And I was like, God, I need to go to sleep because the night before a flight, I'm not sleeping at all. Always way too much stuff to do. Always wait till the last second. And I never sleep. So I'm like, I got to go to sleep on this plane. I need a coffee. That's what I thought. I was like, if I drink a coffee, I'll get more tired. And then I, then it like, then it hit me. And I was like, yo I drink a coffee, I'll get more tired. And then it hit me. And I was like, yo, Starbucks makes their coffee so you get more tired and you keep drinking it. For sure.

Starbucks makes their coffee so you get more tired and you keep ordering it. I do it the entire day. I drink a coffee and I'm like, ooh, damn. I want to take a nap. Oh, nothing feels better than a nap after a venti quad espresso coffee gone. It makes too much sense. And Starbucks would pull that shit. You know, they, they act like they're all fucking part of the family, a Christmas tradition, dude. Oh my God. I'm in LA right now. Avi. And, uh, I, I went, so, so I figured it out, dude. I figured my whole situation out. Um, I was going to join Equinox, which is the cringiest gayest gym of all time. But instead of doing that and paying $300 a month, I was actually going to do that. I was like, yeah, uh, let's just do it. You know? No, I'm going to go

to LA fitness on Hollywood Boulevard and I'm going to work out there because every LA fitness is the same. I don't know why I thought LA Fitness on Hollywood Boulevard would be worse. It's the exact same as the one in Beach Grove, Indiana. Same shit. Every single LA Fitness has the same people. I haven't seen a different person in any of them. But anyway, there's a Target next to that LA Fitness. Perfect.

I walk to LA Fitness. I go into Target. There's a Starbucks and I'm like, this is going to eat my shit up, dude. A Starbucks right there by the gym. And I almost lost my breath when I saw it because there's a sign on the escalator that said a holiday cozy tradition. And I was like, I have to get a coffee. You know why? You know, I have to get a coffee because I want to go home and take a nap because it's 8 PM. It's facts, dude. And what's the other one? We figured this out on the pot a long time ago. Liquid IV changes the color of your pee to make it more yellow. That is, that's the,

I think that's the smartest thing I've ever thought in my life even if it's not true there's no way it's not even if it's not true i still am proud of myself for making that like equation in my head and also one more one more and then we'll get to that we'll get to the your guys every rotisserie chicken is cloned. They're doing something to them. There's no way they're all that perfect. They're all that symmetrical. They all taste that good. And dude, they have to just like dip those fuckers in a vat of butter.

They're too good. I'm a guy who's been sick for 198 days straight and won't go get it checked out because it takes too long starbucks makes you more tired liquid iv changes the color of your pee to make it darker so you keep drinking and buying it and rotisserie chickens are cloned do i love all three absolutely am i gonna keep buying all three. Let's get to your guys. What's the wildest conspiracies theory that you believe in? Here we go. Jim Morrison faked his.

Okay. Excuse me. That sounded good. Jim Morrison faked his death and came back as Rush Limbaugh. On another episode of Who's Jim Morrison, this might have been a bad question to ask because I don't know shit about anything. Jim Morrison.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I do want to know. That Avril Lavigne shit did she did she are we sure that britney spears shit i want to know why are all the celebrities wacko because they're controlled by the government yeah i believe it at loki every single conspiracy theory i believe in every single conspiracy theory I believe in. Like, why would it even be a theory if there wasn't some kind of like something fishy going on?

All right, here's the next one. Your hydrated poop is nastier than your dehydrated poop. So when you're hydrated and you poop, you have to use a wet wipe. When you're dehydrated poop. So when you're hydrated and you poop, you have to use a wet wipe. When you're dehydrated, that poop is solid and nice. Dude, I'm so glad these are anonymous

because that girl just said poop was nice. Why did the beginning of this voice message actually scare the shit out of me i got scared i get scared every podcast but like this one is why did this like kind of like if i heard that like imagine you're sleeping in your bed at night uh and you're like about to go to sleep and you're like okay i'm about to fall asleep and this happens. You're hydrated, poop. Dude. It's just like the noise.

It sounds like a doorbell and the way she came in. All hot. You're hydrated, poop. Oh my God. I can't believe there wasn't a doll right here when I turned around. I'm scared now why is he always scared she's right because i eat healthy i do and my shit smells disgusting it's like

somebody died bro like to the point where i'm scared to like, I'm like, if I take a, if I take a deuce in a public bathroom, which I love doing, I'm like, I almost am like my bad boys. Like, that's just, that's just me. That's just what I'm putting down. Sorry about it, dog. And it's because I eat healthy. and it's because I eat healthy, but at the same time, I'm not very hydrated. I try to be hydrated, but I'm not very hydrated in my shit.

Like I still got to, I still got to wipe to the goddamn cows come home. What a gift from the universe when you don't have to wipe that much. It's just so weird. I know this is, this is like gross, but like who gives a shit? You know what I mean?

This is this podcast. we're talking about whatever but it like every guy every time dude it's uh it's so like why haven't they had wet wipes why aren't those in public bathrooms yet it makes it so much easier i don't even have them in my goddamn apartment, dude. I'm just raw dog and sandpaper. It's so annoying, but I believe that if you eat bad, your deuce smells not as bad. You know what I'm saying?

I know that was confusing, but the healthier they eat, the worse your shit smells. Don't know why. Just part of the game baby just part of the game because one time i was eating real good in high school and i was like oh my god i have to go and you know when you have to go in high school it's like an event dude because you go in the bathroom you gotta shut the door in the stall all your homies fucking know what shoes you're wearing. Everybody knows your shoes. That's me. And they're all like playing games with you and shit, dude. The amount of times I tried to take a deuce in high school and somebody wadded

up a paper towel, got it wet and just fucking threw it at my fucking face probably 13 times. threw it at my fucking face probably 13 times it was just like what do i do and one time my friend came in and i was like here we go bro can i ever just shit in peace i'm not doing anything wrong i'm not vandalizing the stall i'm not fucking chewing tobacco i'm not smoking a jay the window. I'm just taking a shit. He walks in, he goes, bro, pops his head over the stall. Dude, how comfortable are people in high school? By the way, pops his head over the stall. That's a fucking, that's a salt. Now, if you did that to some random fuck at the airport, Hey bro, dude, he did that. He goes, dude, between me and you. i was like oh shit he goes

you need to get that shit checked and i was like what he goes bro this this smells like a dog shit in here and i was like what what do you want like no okay no. Okay. All right. Fine. I'll get it checked. Dude, like I'd rather, dude, that that's fucked up, dude. That's the lowest of the low for me. When somebody is like, Hey, your shit smells so bad. You need to get it checked. How do you get it checked? Am I supposed to go to the doctor?

Like, Hey bro, my homie, uh, said my shit smells really bad. So can I like shit right here real quick and you like let me know like you give it a couple and then you just you just hit me with like a grade if it's bad like i don't know give me like a febreze pill we'll get this we'll get this all figured out like what the fuck i don't know but that uh she's on to something bro she's on to something man the clean poo is just unbelievable stop talking about shit oh my god that's my producer ashley my fake producer ashley you always talk about shit on your podcast it's not like funny or anything.

It's like gross. Okay, Ashley, we're done. Dude, I'm psycho. All right, here we go. I can't wait for this. Come on, babe. Load. Dude, this place has the worst Wi-Fi of all time. So just bear with a player.

Okay. And he needs a hotspot is what you're trying to tell me. What if this just never loaded? That's my biggest fear. Come on, babe. There it is. Elon Musk is a serial killer. Hear me out. Hear this theory. Elon Musk is a serial killer. Hear me out. Hear this theory. He is a serial father, a serial husband, and a serial entrepreneur. Of all things that he could be a serial of, is a serial killer. Because he's got the time and energy to do everything serial.

Dude, am I the only person that, I don't know anything, that just made me think of literal serial the way that she said it so many times. And I know that's like, oh, what the fuck does cereal mean god damn I'm stupid um okay that's not it and that's not it I have no idea what she's talking about. We're going to do some research here. What's cereal mean? And you heard my entire life come out of my throat just now. now okay they follow a pattern I don't know bro I don't know that's a weird one he's definitely

super smart though it does weird me out he she, she's right. She, he has so much time. Cause I'm like, aren't you supposed to be like figuring out the space, but at the same time you're like tweeting funny shit. I'm like, what is going on with you, dude? Like how many people do you have under you? Whenever I see a funny tweet from Elon Musk,

I'm like, bro, figure out the world. The fuck you doing? Like retweeting a meme dog. Like, come on. This isn't I'm like, bro, figure out the world. The fuck you doing? Like retweeting a meme dog. Like, come on. This isn't your, like, I love it that you're funny, but like you're too good at everything. I think there's two of them. You ever think about that? You ever have like 14 things to do in one day and you're like, I need a fucking bro i need a clone he's the guy that would have

that would know how to do that and have a clone i think there's three of them because he's like there's no way he's building a rocket ship making a car figuring out twitter and tweeting memes like the dumbest memes and there's like pictures of him like having fun i'm like dude guys like you that are doing all this shit aren't having fun man they're like figuring shit out but i don't he's got too much he's definitely he has a clone is he a serial killer i don't know bro but if he is no one would ever know. Too much money. Way too much money. God, I wish I had a clone, bro.

The things I would make my clone do would be so funny. Oh, you got to renew your license? Clone. Hey, clone. He's like kind of weird. He's like kind of stupid. You're like, God, I don't have time to renew my license. So I'm going to tell my clone to go for me.

But I hate it when my clone takes pictures. Because he smiles upside down. You know what I mean? You like can't do certain things right. But you like just fucking, you deal with it because he's like doing stuff for you. Like the most dumb things ever he does he's like god i'm gonna tell my clone to go to the bank but he doesn't know how to fucking write numbers down uh my clone went to renew my license but he didn't fucking put pants on now i have to go to jail shit like that would definitely happen but you know what i mean sometimes it would work out let's keep going okay sorry if you can hear my loud fan in the background but mostly my husband but she's

in a car wash i've definitely gone on board is that long john silvers is a laundry scheme and i to cracks me up so that's the conspiracy theory i think long john silvers they're doing something i know i know who's going that'd be so funny i'm gonna going to do that for a video. I'm just going to go up to every person that goes into a Long John Silver's and be like, what are you getting? Just everybody that approaches the door. What the,

how many times you come here a year? What are you doing? Every drive through person. Dude, that's a job right there. If you want a job, that's not really a job. Long John Silver's drive-through, you know, if you like want to work, you get paid by the hour.

There's no commission. There's no tips. You're just working, you know, minimum wage is like, what the fuck is minimum wage now, bro? Minimum wage. I hate that we're even talking about shit like this on this podcast, but I swear to God, last time I checked, didn't check, but last time I checked, meaning last time I saw it on TikTok, last time I saw it on Twitter, minimum wage was like fucking $30. $30 for some shit. Dude.

Remember when minimum way. Okay. This is some old ass shit on some, I used to have chicken pox type beat. I remember when I was in high school and minimum wage was $6. I was like, that is so much money. Okay. That's some really old ass really old head ass shit.

But yeah. I went to, I did a who's buying this one time on another episode of who's buying this. Long John Silvers. Who's buying this? And then I tried Long John Silvers. What? And the weird part was their fish wasn't even that good. It was their chicken.

Their chicken was better than KFC. Wait. I just had like a random thought. Why doesn't KFC start doing rotisserie chickens. I know I'm like super obsessed with rotisserie chickens, but I feel like everybody should be. Dude, that's food for like two days for somebody that's a monster for eight bucks.

That's crazy. But KFC should just be whipping those bitches out, bro. That would be a good idea. Just like you get them at the store on KFC. He's whipping those bitches out, bro. That would be a good idea. Just like you get them at the store on the KFC. He's like, yeah, eight bucks. I'd pick one up every fucking day with the KFC ingredients on there. Not fried. God damn.

I'm just starving. Right. But yeah, Long John Silver's hit the drive through. It's not bad you know there's like long john silver people that like are for life for lifers long john for lifers and they've got they've got like different little so like fountain drinks and shit i swear to god long john silver's has mr pibb on some weird shit yep that's how they get them that's how they get them. That's how they get them. Um, they've got like good sauces. They have good sides. I was kind of like, yo, long John Silver slaps. And I got way too much food

too. Cause I really wanted to like dive in. I think they're, uh, I think they're macaroni kind of tasted like a baseball glove, but I was like still kind of fire. If you like, if you go, if you go by of the night style and you get like a couple a couple shells and then you you hit a you hit some chicken with it bite of the night you know what i'm talking about for bite of the night right it's when you have the best bite of your entire meal and you look at everybody at the table and go yo bite of the night and then i'll look at your fork and they go that guy's a fucking psycho and you eat it and you go a guy who's been sick for way too fucking long but i don't know i think there's really only just like how many states are there now dude i always think there's 50 states right i always

think like the states this is some this This is some late night podcast shit. I don't care. You know how the NBA and the NFL will add a team? And I'm like, I don't know how many teams are in that anymore. Because the Texans and the NBA added the fucking Bobcats and they don't have them. And then they added the Pelicans. And I'm like, that's what I think about the States sometimes.

I'm like, did we add somebody? Do we add somebody? I think there's 50, but there could be 49 on some, I don't know, shit. How about us just late adding Hawaii? How about us? How about the US just picking up Hawaii off waivers? Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's like not even near our shit. That's so random. We'll take it. We'll take it. We'll take it. We'll take it. You know, that was some fucking scraps on the table when they were doing like the country lottery. All right.

All right. We'll give you fucking Mexico but we get Hawaii we Hawaii all right fine in Alaska Alaska is so weird dude if you live in Alaska like okay we get it you didn't be a you didn't want to be a part of it that bad. You didn't want to be a part of America that bad, but you're like, whatever. We'll live in this fucking igloo. Dude, when I think of Alaska, I just think of like every snow movie. Like I think if I went to Alaska, the first thing I'd see are those Coca-Cola polar bears. the first thing I'd see are those Coca-Cola polar bears. The first thing I'd see are those Coca-Cola polar bears. God damn, I want to fucking crack open a cold one with them.

The way they drink that shit? Glass bottle always. Those pieces of shit polar bears. They make polar bears look so good, but they're fucking vicious. Every polar bear cartoon is just white, fluffy fluffy and you want to give it a hug. You see a polar bear in real life, dude. He has blood all over his face.

You're like, Jesus Christ. I don't know what the fuck we're talking about right now. ADHD podcast dog. It is what it is. If you know, you know, but I don't really think, uh, the Long John Silvers are up to no good. I think they're just like cool with where they are in life. You know, Long John Silvers is like your uncle that doesn't give a fuck anymore. They're just like, bro, I know what I got going on. I don't need to be something I don't want to be. I know what I got, and I like it. And if you don't fucking like it, shut up.

That's what Long John Silvers is, your uncle that's like, yeah, fuck you. If you don't like what I'm putting down, then get the fuck out. That's Long John Silvers. And you got to respect them a little bit. They're just doing their thing, man. They could care less. And there's like one in every state. So there's 50 or 49. We're not sure how many states there are. Also, family video in that same like realm of places that are up to like, what

are you guys doing? what are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? Mattress firm. I'm like, okay, all right. There's a couple more too, but mattress firm is like,

bro, who gives a shit in the dude? Mattress stores have to be the weirdest shit because people are just going in there and like laying down. Just everybody's butts are on their beds and shit and they're like yeah i like this one how can you make that decision that quick with a fucking employee watching you yeah you like that one hey that one in the corner plop your ass down on that one. Just fucking go to sleep. God damn. I will go to sleep on a

just a newly finished deck. Fuck it. Mattress firm, dude. Everybody's plopping their stupid smelly butts all over the beds. Who cares? Just buy one off the internet. If I'm buying a new bed, I'm looking on the internet going, that one's good.

Ship it to my house, okay? No, I want to try them all out. Here we go. no I want to try them all out here we go I believe in that uh America never actually landed on the moon

like back in the 60s I think it was just um something to make America look like it was doing better than other countries because everyone was trying

to go to the moon so we just faked it and it looked like we did boom yeah um Everyone was trying to go to the moon, so we just faked it. Man, it looked like we did. Boom. Yeah. Just the more I think about it, the more, like, that shit is fake, you know? And that's the most America thing ever, just to be like,

I don't know, dog. Just fucking film it. You know? How over did they have to be to be like, just fucking film it you know how over did they have to be to be like just fucking film it who made that call dude that's the guy i want to meet just just just i don't know if we're going to be able to make it just film it dude film it It's so fucked up, too. Actually, I don't know, man. I mean, there's so many like, and this is fake. And the flag isn't moving.

And the footprints don't match the astronaut's shoes and shit like that. But it's like, we're smart now. We're way smarter now. So, like, wouldn't we definitely know yes or no by now? We still don't know. So it's a pretty good fake job. Because we're still not like, oh yeah, okay, yeah, that, no way. It still gets my ass how he fucked that up.

One small step for man. One small step for man. One small step for man. One giant leap for man. I don't know how, I don't even know what the fuck he said, but he kind of like stuttered. I'm like, you really got to fuck this one up? Damn, dog. Say something cool too. If you're going into space and you're saying that. One small step for man.

I hate my wife. One large leap for mankind. And who's saying that? Dude, do you think they were like, hey, I have something to say? Like if they're really like, yo, Neil, big dog. When you step out, even if they're really in space, hey, when you step out, like, have something. Have something good.

Like, off the top, I don't know if you want to think about it a little bit, fucking write it down, whatever you got to do. But, like, you want to say about it a little bit, fucking write it down, whatever you got to do, but like you want to say something right when you get off. It's got to be fake. Cause he wouldn't have said that. He was probably freaking the fuck out. That'd be me. If I,

if I would, Oh my God, I would, I would stroke out, dude. I'd step out of the, the spaceship onto the moon and my throat would be like

and they'd be like oh my god there's an alien's attacking and there's another creature we heard him over the system the speaker says that we heard another creature. We heard him over the system. The speaker says that we heard another creature. And I'm just like, oh my bad. I just fucking, I ate those space Cheetos and I just fucking cleared my throat. And like, I got that toad thing. My bad. And that would be the first thing I would say when I landed on the moon. Now let's go back to the moon landing. Let's watch it one more time. A teacher explaining the moon landing to like a bunch of fifth graders in class. And here he goes. It's Benedict Polizzi, the first astronaut on the moon.

And play. And it's like. Oh, shit. I just ate those space Cheetos. My bad. Yeah, we're on this bitch though. God, that's been sick for 174 days. That is exactly what my shit would be.

They're like, damn, you couldn't have said anything good. I'd be like, dude, I tried, but my throat just took over. And here he goes with his first step on the moon. Oh, fuck. Long John Silver slaps. And that is the first man on the moon. Everybody give it up. Oh, shit.

The way I would fuck that up. Oh my God, dude. I have no doubt in my mind. Something would happen. Or I'd be like, we, or they like plan it out.

And they're like, we want you to get on the moon. The first thing you say is God bless America. And I'd get on the moon and be like god bless america fuck or i'd my i'd get so nervous my speech impediment would come back god bless america fuck god damn it can i can i run that back no we're live god damn it and now you're cussing on tv let's keep going benny boo boo what's up brother my wildest conspiracy theory is girls don't poop we're not up for a debate we ain't talking about it we just know that they don't do it slap my ass so hard he turned me into a nice guy i fucking love this person

i don't know why i said person like he could be a woman but it's definitely a dude um yeah i it is one of those things man i know i know. I know. Oh, my God. You're talking about shit again. Is this whole podcast about fucking shit? Ew. No wonder you're a piece of shit. All you talk about is shit. Sorry, that was my producer, Ashley. But, yeah, I mean, we're just going to talk about it.

Because that's what this is. It's just that we're just talking. Dude, every single second, everyone's thinking about shit right this is me every minute i'm like fuck it's crazy it's crazy it's like it's literally what dating is is fuck when am i gonna shit that's dating for me anytime i've ever had a girlfriend i'm like when am i gonna shit that's dating for me anytime i've ever had a girlfriend i'm like when am i gonna shit god i gotta go to the i gotta do the weirdest most uncomfortable things to shit it's crazy bro i just i can't man up and be like yo i'm taking a shit so

maybe i could but it's still weird but yeah I have no idea ever ever ever just because I grew up with like a mom and sisters I know girls shit but like they did a pretty good job too. Like I was, I was always, I don't think I've ever seen my mom shit or like seen my mom. You know what I mean? Like there's been no like trail. God damn. The girls will burp their fucking dicks off, but they will not. Fucking dicks off. But they will not. Every girl. Jesus Christ, bro.

Yeah, I've never. Nope. I don't know how you guys do it. Like, what's the big secret? Maybe that's what I want to know when I get to heaven. Do you want to know how many breaths you've taken? Do you want to know how many sleepless nights you've had? Do you want to know how many times you've cried?

Or do you want to talk to any of your loved ones? I just want to know, do girls shit or what at the gates hell yeah bro so how do girls shit or what's going on with that that's what i'm gonna ask and i'm gonna like say it like kind of like like an incomplete sentence do girls shit or like what's up god's like jesus christ dude you don't care about anything well i do but it's just nothing that uh anyone else really you know i don't care but do they shit i don't know i don't know how i don't know how it goes down i really don't and i've gone into the bathroom after a girl has shit and i'm like i can tell that you shit but like this is like the most mild thing of all time i'm like i could i'm good with this and then i started second guessing myself i'm like maybe she didn't even

wait is this do i smell like this? Fuck. I don't know. I have no idea, bro. I don't know how it goes down. Um, I don't know. Definitely heard girls fart though. Definitely heard girls fart,

but it's like one in a million. Like it's just, it's just like crazy. When a girl farts, you're like, was that me? That had to be me. Nothing more embarrassing than farting around.

Even when, oh my God, I can't even talk about it, bro. I can't talk about it. I feel like I am at fault when a girl farts around me. I'm like, it was something I said. I'm so sorry for you. It was me. I'm like, it was something I said. I'm so sorry for you. It was me for, I farted actually. You're good. Just don't get upset. I'm upset because I farted and you didn't. Let's keep going. This is so stupid. Hey Benedict, it's Taylor. We met last week after your show at the Ha Ha. Bro.

I sent you a message on Instagram, but my sister told me that you would not see it. So anyway, I'd love to see you again. Maybe eat a rotisserie chicken in the car. Sounds romantic. Anyway, I figured this was better than Craigslist missed connection. So figured I would give it a shot. Text me if you get this. Want to hang out? 919-615-283. Bye. That is crazy. That's shootyourshot.com right there, dude. That's wild. Nice. Good play. But, uh, dude, how funny would that be if that was a fake number? It was the rejection hotline,

bro. What if I called her right now? Dude, if I was a G I'd call her right now, but, uh, I'm not. Um, thanks for coming to the show. Lit. That was crazy when she introed that. My name's Taylor. I was like, this is anonymous. This is anonymous. This is anonymous. This is anonymous. This is anonymous. This is a non, non, my source Rex. This is a non, a source Rex. This podcast is Taylor salute. That was cold, cold blooded. Nice with it. good message too it like wasn't too you know it was respectable threw the rotisserie chicken in there i i i'm not i'm not mad all right here we go wildest conspiracy theory i honestly believe we're in like some crazy ass assimilation where government officials are watching us and watching us make all these bad decisions in life because you can't tell me that a bus that's taller than me and wider than me can fit in the same lane as my car and i can take my

hand and touch the other side i mean and birds let's not even talking about them oh yeah they're literally government spies for sure there are cameras but yeah now i feel that um i know all like we're all this everyone's hearing this shit and like everybody's looking at everything we're doing like my phone's probably like everybody can hear everything all the time all the government shit everybody's got their own fbi agent but like we're kind of getting getting away with a lot of shit though that's why i never feel bad like like oh i accidentally stole a fucking something's like just in like the smallest fucking, I'm like, dude, come on. There's so much other fucked up shit out there going on.

And you're like, oh, sorry. I stole a fucking chicken wing. Of course it's chicken. But yeah. What you said about the bus and the car is really weird. I never thought about that. the car is really weird. I never thought about that. I'm always like, so I'm like cramped up in this tiny fucking Ford Taurus in the middle lane on the highway. But then somebody's driving an RV right in front of us and they're just lounging, sleeping in that bitch. What?

and they're just lounging sleeping in that bitch what and it's the same thing it's the same we're right behind him i just heard something and it scared the fuck out of me god damn it i'm always scared on another episode of the man who's always scared god damn it always scared. God damn it. Yeah, the birds are cameras. I get it. I believe it. I believe all that shit, man.

Because they do. They shut shit down quick. I kind of think this room is haunted. I kind of think this room's haunted. I kind of think it's haunted. Someone died in here. Yeah, the FBI shut shit down so quick because they're listening to this right now. But yeah, I believe they're always watching for sure. With iPhones too, like they're always watching. You know, like when Batman, you know, you know, when Batman, like he like can see everything

because all the phones are like in sync. That's just what the government is, dude. All the phones are in sync. All the phones are in sync. All the phones are in cause it ain't no lie, baby. Every phone, just Justin Timberlake's face on it. Don't want to be a fool of you. Just another play in your game for two. All the phones are in sync. You'll meet me, but every phone we are sink. We're in, in syncing all the phones, the government says that.

Just Chris Carpatrick on every phone. Joey Fatone on every phone. The phones are in sync. Let's keep going. That was so stupid, but you know what I mean. Ben, craziest conspiracy theory I believe in. Football was invented by the British. Think about it.

This is the one sport, the one area where America just cannot compete. All of our best athletes aren't out there on the pitch. They're playing football, killing it. And we know if we took some of those guys out there and made them play soccer, they would dominate. They'd dominate Europe, every other country. And so that's why the British decided ages ago, eons ago, to create football. And they didn't know what to call it, so they just went with what they knew feet that's why they call it football that's why we all have no idea why it's called football and so think about it the strategy's working i don't know that's my conspiracy i guess you can

say i've been kicking it around this guy been sick for 184 weeks straight um yeah but like why aren't our good people playing soccer because they just think it's like whack

because they'd rather play football and basketball and shit how did the British did he say British made it up how did the British know that our best players weren't going to play football it is amazing how just the US can't be good at soccer. It's just crazy. Like guys fucking get it together. It's not

complicated. I kind of think, I think we might have like a there's not a kid that's just like I'm going to be the best soccer player ever ever there's always that kid for football and basketball and fucking I guess golf like dude our best players are playing golf over soccer

no kid is like you know what i'm gonna be the best soccer player ever it's just up for the taking besides freddie adieu what do we got what's going on dude you're telling me landon donovan is our fucking guy landon donovan bro if you showed me Landon Donovan. Bro, if you showed me Landon Donovan, I'd be like, he works at Subway. That's our best player ever. That's the only dude I can name. I don't know shit about soccer. But like, I mean, that's the dude I can name. I don't know shit about soccer, but like, I mean, that's the guy I can name.

And I'm pretty sure it's like 90% of the country would probably say the same thing. Dude, can we just get one kid to be, dude, it's just, I can't believe it's up for grabs. Like there's not a Michael Jordan in us soccer.

There's not like the guy that you're like wow that's crazy somebody for the love of God dude I might have a kid just to be like you know just fucking dude all you gotta do is be better than this guy

who looks like he works at Subway doesn't sound too bad right let's go fucking play dude I'll set up the goal. Just fucking somebody, God, for the love of God, please. Somebody for the love of fucking God. Make your kid good at soccer all this other bullshit can't be good at soccer though he's right dude um yeah somebody please prove the prove everyone wrong there can't be just like an odell beckham jr like you know what i mean just like whoa like amazing i've never seen anyone be amazing for okay i'm gonna shut the fuck up. What a wild topic.

Love it. And yes, rotisserie chickens, clone, absolutely will still eat them. It's a good one. But I think conspiracy theory probably is true. Probably more people are thinking about it. But taxes. Taxes overall anywhere. Country, states, globally. I mean, we get taxed on

everything. We get taxed on the food, the clothes, the money we earn, all of it. Wild. And the tax return, it should be, they're going gonna give us uh they're gonna give us roads and stuff but guess what we gotta pay a new toll on that we gotta pay a tax on that and all these things that we're allegedly paying taxes for so yeah what a wild wild kind of kind of theory that is maybe a little too deep for the pod, but yeah, let's go. Send it. He was getting kind of deep, but at the end he saved it. For the pod, he said.

Like, yo, I know this isn't your shit, but like, let me just feel it out here. Oh, yeah, it doesn't make any sense to me. I'll never understand it. It's such a like weird adult thing to me i don't get any of that shit bro i never will either i don't want to i think that this is where we can all agree on this podcast like you tell me if i move to another state, I got to get new, all the, all the new insurance and shit, bro. Oh my God. Everybody's like, just move. It's so easy, bro. My whole life is a wreck. I have no idea how to do

shit. Taxes, bro. Home. Like, can we just make it across the board why does everything have to be so fucking different oh it's fucking nine o'clock here yeah and your tat it's so much it's a lot more money to live here yeah oh and you gotta pay way more to drive your fucking car that's already expensive as shit yeah sorry yep oh and if you get sick you're fucked unless you have insurance and that's way too much money you gotta pay taxes on all that i'm like i just want a simple fucking normal like why is everything just uh forget it dude everything i ever do is like forget it dude oh my god forget it holy shit so much trouble to do everything can't do god it can't get can't do anything with just days of figuring shit out i'm like bro why is everything so hard this is crazy dude if there's one dude that that if there's one it's it's the insurance

shit i'm just like what are we doing if there's one thing wrong with my health insurance i'm like all right um i'm not gonna be able to do anything today anyone i've got to call my health insurance. I'm like, all right. Um, I'm not going to be able to do anything today. Anyone I've got to call my health insurance. I'm sorry. I'm not going to make it because I have to call my health insurance and I have no fucking idea how, what number, who the guy is, what I'm supposed to be talking about. And I'm, I got to provide seven documents and like go into some building i don't know where the fuck it is or where to park or anything like that so um i'll see you guys in two weeks because i gotta figure that one thing out crazy dude you need to like grow up you're immature just figure that shit out and attack it

shut the fuck up ashley fake producer sorry it's my fake producer you figure my shit out i would give somebody a thousand dollars to run that shit a thousand bucks do it i don't want to even fucking don't ask me one question about it here's a thousand dollars fucking figure it out Jesus Christ crazy dude not to mention taxes like he was talking about what the taxes taxes

just I don't even know dude I'm glad I'm glad we don't have to figure out how much it is oh taxes itself though when you have to like file, I'm like when it's tax season or whatever the fuck I'm like, I will never know how to do my taxes. Fuck off. Pass that to my dad who doesn't know how to do them either. He just knows the lady that does know how to do them. Where's the money?

And you can just make shit up on your taxes? Yeah, bro. Just say you had to do this, this, that, that, that, that, that. And you're good. I'm like, this doesn't make any fucking sense. That whole thing is so funny to me. Who the fuck knows, bro. How about when you're like, you got to fill out, like, this is crazy to me that people acted like they knew it too. When you like, you got your first job, bro. This is so

funny to me. You got your first job. You're in high school and you got to fill out a fucking W nine. I was like, excuse me, boss. What the fuck are all these words? I'm 17 individual sole proprietor. I'm like, what the fuck is this shit? Oh, let me call my fucking mom who doesn't know it either. I don't know.

Just pop fucking put one. All right. No clue what I'm doing ever. 17. The first time I saw that shit, I was like, dog, you really think I can fucking do this?

You're in for a long retail job with me, bro. You think I can fill this shit out? All right. Shit is incredible, dude. Taxes, bro. Fuck off. And if you know how to do them, like, don't i do my taxes every year shut the fuck up

no you don't you're telling me for one second you're not like what the fuck so stupid figure it out figure it out figure it out bro what god damn i can't just work and like spend money i gotta oh my shut up so this may not be the craziest conspiracy theory but hear me out so i i think companies providing services such as cable companies intentionally have awful, awful customer service. That way they basically discourage us subscribers from ever canceling due to, you know, either there's a long wait time, maybe there's a language barrier from the customer service rep, or just the overall headache that, you know, us customers have to endure. And, you know, maybe we're a little lazy, but it's just going to discourage us from ever cancelling it in the first place.

So let me know your thoughts. Let me know if you agree or not, and keep killing it, Ben. Thanks, buddy. God damn, I love you. I love everyone on this bitch. That was such a clean-ass voice message, dude. I can tell, like, guys, I mean, I just, I can't thank you guys enough.

Um, cause that, this is good. I never thought about that shit. Cause God damn man. How awful is it to just cancel us? I'm like, to the amount of things my dad is a guy who will not like,

he might have like 48 things he's paying for. And he, and I don't think he knows he's, he might know he's paying for four. Cause he won't care. Cause he's not the guy that's like calling and be like, I need to cancel. Like dude,

jumping through the hoops of like press nine how about when you're like the wait time's like four hours and you're you're like fuck it i'm gonna do it and you got your phone on speakerphone all fucking day and you're just like doing god knows what in your house and the music's playing you're like oh i could fucking lose it right now i might lose it right fucking now, man. Stupid ass songs playing. There are 284 customers ahead of you. There are still 284 customers in front of you. You're just like, I might drive my ass to the fucking headquarters. God damn it. Nothing, nothing worse. And then, then like 17 hours go by the sun already set.

You damn near figured it out, but you're like, well, I'm close enough. There are two customers ahead of you. There's bags under your eyes. Your eyes are all fucking red. Your ears are bleeding. Everything in your apartment's gone for some reason. You have no furniture. You're just sitting in a fucking room in a room in your house. It's not running down your face.

You're like, I'm almost there. I'm almost fucking there. No hair on your head. It all fell out. I'm almost there. There is one customer. And then all of a sudden this happens. Does this ever happen to you? There's one customer ahead of you. And then it goes to, to, to, and you look at your phone and it's just the fucking, it's just the home screen. It's just this. You're like, we are recording this call for customer service purposes. I get it. Because I know somebody's gone on there and just been like, I can't fucking take it anymore. They're so lucky that some people will just fucking. Dude, every time I'm on the phone with any customer service rep, it's.

Oh, fuck. I hate you the phone with any customer service rabbits. Oh, fuck. I hate you so goddamn much. Fuck you. That sounds good to me. Mm-hmm. I appreciate it. You piece of shit. You won't fucking do anything to help me.

God damn it. Burn in hell. Burn in hell, you piece of shit. All right. Well, I'll just figure it out by myself then. Okay. Bye. Is there anything? And then they have the audacity to be like, oh, I'm sorry about that. But is there any other question I have to, other question? Is there any other questions you have today that I can help you with? I'm like, yeah, yeah. I got a question. Can you burn in hell for the rest of eternity? Fuck. I hate it. God damn it, bro. Yeah, that's so true, bro. Good voice message.

They're all good, but that was a good conspiracy theory they are just pieces of shit on purpose so you hang up and they're like well I love this dude we've done the conspiracy theories before but this is this shit's gas bro let's keep going

alright I'm not gonna lie to you Benny this one's gonna be a little crazy This shit's gas, bro. Let's keep going. All right. I'm not going to lie to you, Benny. This one's going to be a little crazy, but I feel like everything is the Truman Show. Life isn't real. Someone's watching my every move. Ew. And all of us. And everyone else is fake. I don't know of us. And everyone else is fake.

I don't know. Everyone that's not me is fake. You know? Like, I don't know. Is that crazy? No. I'm on mushrooms in my bed. I hope this one makes sense.

But everyone's fake. Life is fake life isn't real that's a deep one but you know that's just what I feel that'll ruin your soul bro yeah sometimes I'm like dude you can't be that stupid

you know you ever just talk to somebody and see somebody dude you can just see somebody dude that's how low my bar is for if i like you or not i'm like like when you're on a sidewalk do you have enough awareness to like move out of the way like that's that's and if you do i'm like bro we could be friends isn't it fucking crazy when someone's walking so slow in front of you and you're just like,

dude, I just want to beat both sides of their heads with my hands on their ears. Hello? Fucking move, dude. God damn it. How about when somebody's walking slow on the sidewalk in front? Dude, I know this is like, is it just me? Some people have no spatial awareness. And I'm like, you can't be this stupid. Hey. Left. Left. Move over there.

Holy shit. God damn dude dude like i swear to god if i was dating a girl and she didn't know where the fuck to walk on a sidewalk i would never talk to her again that's's my a hundred percent something that'll just fucking, I don't want to say ick, but it is dude. Move up. You're stupid. And then you feel bad. How about that shit? When somebody is walking real slow in front of you and you like pass them. Cause you're like, are you fucking serious? Walking this slow? to you and you like pass them because you're like, are you fucking serious walking this slow? God damn. And you pass them and you're like, huh, sorry.

You ever do that shit? You pass somebody and you're like, sorry, you're just have absolutely nowhere to go. And I think you're stupid and he might have a condition. It's insane. It's insane. And, and I, I didn't think it could get any worse than just normal people. It's just like going, going to like Costco. I'm like everybody, bro. Hey, you can't just stand like you can't, you can't feel that there's someone behind you or on the side, dude, this lady, I'm in an aisle. There's a sample guy on the right. And this lady's just fucking standing there, not fucking with the sample guy. She's just standing there. And I don't want to be like, ma'am, but I'm just like, I wonder how, I wonder she might be here for eight minutes. Like, you can't just feel that you're in a crowded store and there might be somebody. Just a small chance there might be somebody behind you.

Move out of the way, Becky. Get your curly fucking hair to the left. I got to get through. Might be in a bitch. But I think those people that can't, move and like figure shit out and like know where to walk i think they're fake like you can't be this dumb you can't be so you're doing all you you don't know where people are and shit and you can drive all right something's not adding up something's not adding up dude those that is crazy people

people in la bro they have no idea where they're walking i'm like there there is just what skill is that that you didn't meet where you just where you just taking up all the fucking room. Can't stand it. Good morning. So I have two conspiracies. The first one is that the Titanic didn't sink. It was actually the Olympic.

And then the second one is that in the Middle Ages, there was actually a female pope for a couple of years. So that's all I got for now. Thank you and have a nice day bye-bye bro oh i just got scared again dude i just got scared again i want to know all of this shit bro a female pope for a couple years and they just hit her. That's scary as fuck. I'm getting the chills. How are they ever going to know? Just make her wear the fucking hat thing.

Dude, people are so evil, bro. I hate it. The Titanic didn't sink? Huh. that's a hot take right there I get it though it was anything that's too big of a deal I'm like

I know that submarine shit it sank it sunk whatever the fuck yeah probably fake it like picked up too much steam too fast on the internet i'm like anything that's doing that female pope dude there should be a movie about that god damn it dude i keep scaring myself i gotta shut the fuck up

another podcast another fucking scared night for this guy i've got to stop thinking about scary things a couple more we all live in a simulation and I have proof because I astral projected this one time last year at a dream that I went to someone's apartment that I've never been to before. And I remember the dream vividly because of the paintings and the setup of the room. And then this specific. Oh, this is scaring the fuck out of me. I feel like I'm going to get shot right now for listening to this. A computer chair, even down to the beer fridge.

But anyways, whatever, forgot about it. whatever, forgot about it. And then close to Christmas, I got invited out to like, to hang out with a friend. And we randomly, this was all like random events that led up to somehow us going over to this guy's place. And that guy's place was exactly like in my dream. Like it was more than deja vu because I knew where things were, how things looked. The paintings were the same. But I'm convinced we live in a simulation because it's just a lot of like weird things happening. Um, I think that it all has to do with that CERN thing that like turned on that they turned on and they somehow like put us like,

she just gets fucking shot at the end of that. I think that it has to do with that. I feel like that's going to happen to me in here. I swear to God, I feel like somebody is going to bang on this door and go and just take my ass out. Oh my God. He's still sick. 14th podcast in a row that i've been coughing the whole time um yeah probably all fake right but what the fuck are we doing you know dude deja vu is deja vu has got to be the creepiest thing ever what's deja vu it's when uh you lived a past life and you see something that you saw when you lived your past life nah dude deja vu is weird and i can never figure it

out i think i'm not yeah it's just crazy how you can never figure that shit out oh i'm having deja vu you can never like put the pieces together you're just like god damn when have i been in a in this fucking place i'm having deja vu god damn i'm such a bitch i'm so scared uh deja vu is the creepiest thing ever and every time i have it i'm like you don't remember this and they're like what are you talking about and i'm like okay i'm an alien all right bye last one before i um scare myself out of this podcast Oh no Dude conspiracy theories literally Are creepy

And I think that's why I'm feeling like this And the fact that it's 11 o'clock And I'm in an attic And I think someone died in here Oh no Come on baby And it's buffering Here we go Oh, no. Come on, baby. Come on. And it's buffering.

It's buffering. Here we go. Hello, hello, hello. I don't know if you can consider this the craziest conspiracy theory, but it's just one that I full wholeheartedly like 100% believe in. And it's that Avril Lavigne passed away forever ago and she was replaced with like an exact replica of her, like her stunt double or like the person who used. Come on, babe. Front back from the top. Hello. I don't know if you can consider this the craziest conspiracy theory, but it's just one that I full, wholeheartedly

like 100% believe in, and it's that Avril Lavigne passed away forever ago, and she was replaced with like an exact replica of her, like her stunt double, or like the person who used to like go out and pretend that she was her to like distract the paparazzi. Like I'm more than convinced,

like I've watched a million videos on this, so again,'t think it's that crazy but if you look at all the stuff they're like same but different like avril lavigne looked like avril lavigne till a certain time period when they say that she was like killed murdered nothing is scarier than this come on time period when they say that she was like killed murdered nothing is scarier than this come on time period when they say that she was like killed murdered passed away whatever happened and this other girl like has very very close similarities but there's like things that are different so anyways i don't know if that but there's like things that are different so So anyways, I don't know if that is very crazy, but it's real. I promise.

She did just fall off the face of the earth though. God damn. That's so weird. That's someone who was just like, you know what? They fucking faked her death. Or not faked her death, but she died and they just covered that shit up.

Bro. I'm so, I'm, I'm, I'm creeped out. Yeah, I believe all that shit, honestly. There's, you can't tell me it didn't happen. Can't tell me that any of that shit didn't happen. Like, I think if there's like a clue or someone's in on something or there's like a rumor, it had to happen. Shit doesn't just go to happen shit doesn't just

go this shit doesn't just pop up for nothing dude all right let's move on before i scream and cry and piss my pants dear diary dear diary um i was in indianapolis trying to move my shit out to LA and I can't do it because I have so much shit and I am so sick of moving that I quit and I fall asleep every time I, every time I'm like, I should start moving shit right now. I've, I'm my, my brain goes, now you're tired. And I fall asleep for four hours. I can't do it. Like I'm doing it, but I'm like, dude, every time it's time to like, all right, fucking lock it in, dude, move your shit. Like I'm like, time to go to sleep. I'm a fucking baby.

And after a full day of just powering through being so tired and moving shit just the monotonous fucking carrying shit everywhere just seems like i'm like just what am i doing dude i'm really just carrying my belongings out out to like a dumpster this is is so weird. After doing that for just hours, I was like, it was 1am. And I was like, you know what happens at 1am? Time for a sweet treat. Time for a sweet treat. What'll it be What'll it be This time I was like do I go to the gas station And just be a rat

Can't do it it's always a bad decision This time I'm gonna Uber Eats And all I want is one Uncrustable That's just I'm gonna be responsible I'm gonna eat one Uncrustable. I'm going to be responsible. I'm going to eat one Uncrustable. But I'm like, I don't know which one I want. I'll decide

it later and whatever. So I get a box of Nutella Uncrustables and a box of Grape Uncrustables and two raw, like two RX bars. I'm like, fuck it, dude. Like this is a healthy sweet treat.

I eat eight Uncrustables in five minutes. And he's still sick. Yeah, I put four Uncrustables in the air fryer. Ding. It's done.

Ding, Uncrustables are done. Ding, Uncrustables are done. I take them out, four stack, four, put them in a bowl. Lay on my bed with my feet up. Not a care in the fucking world. Fucking smash four Uncrustables in the air fryer. Oh my God. Nothing. I just ate four donuts. Nothing's ever tasted better in my entire fucking life. Two chocolate, two grape. Just putting them down. Silly. Nobody's business what I'm doing in fucking sweet treat time. Time for a sweet treat. He's a dirty fucking boy. Easiest fucking thing I've ever done is eat four uncrustables. You could probably tell me at any point in the day,

do you want four Uncrustables right now air fried in this bowl and you have to eat them right now? And I'd be like, yes. So goddamn good. And then I couldn't even wait for the other four to thaw out.

Nope. I just ate them. And they're kind of still frozen. Four of them. Four more. Just piece of shit mode. Never slept better in my life. Dude, there's not. I don't know if it's.

I talk about this so much. dude there's not i like i don't know if it's i talk about this so much i don't know if it's like like part of being like in a like older or an adult but like there's just nothing like being a fucking rat at like midnight god damn it it's so perfect i'm like i'm eating everything in this house And no one can stop me Eight Uncrustables I think I could have had sixteen And I would have been like Yeah

I'll do it again No I won't because I'm a bitch But god it was so good Oh show and tell Hey show and tell This is so fucking embarrassing. This could be cringe moment of the week too, but so embarrassing. On the Uncrustables.

Burnt myself. I don't know if you can see that shit. Fucking burnt myself. Am I fat? Yeah, because I just had fucking 65 uncrustables. Burnt my fucking tummy on the air fryer, eating

eight uncrustables. God damn it, dude. Just, you just, it's what I deserve. So stupid. I'm going to have a mark on my stupid stomach for the rest of my life letting me know hey that's the night you had eight uncrustables in five minutes and slept like a little piece of shit baby i'll never forget it

wow cringe moment of the week I'll never forget it Wow Cringe moment of the week Alright how about this for cringe moment of the week I don't know where this is gonna go Or how we're gonna do this but Alright I was Filming a video for Dunkin Donuts And they were like

We just want you to go on a street corner Hand out some fucking donuts do what you need to do, whatever. Send us what you got. Okay. Do it. These guys were so happy to get these donuts. And they were like, bro, we're real huge fans. Like you're my favorite YouTuber. They said that to me. You're my favorite YouTuber. I've never heard that come out of anybody's mouth. I almost started crying. And I go, shut up, dog. They go, no, for real. There's four of them. They're brothers. They're lit. They're a hype. They're like, no way. I was like, this is crazy. And they're like, you dude you're our favorite youtuber and i go i'll kiss you right now and dude would not let it go he goes prove it then i was like dude i swear to god everybody shut up the fucking all the lights on the street fucking turned towards me and this dude no talking everything everything was silent he goes prove it then i was like

and he goes no no no no no plant one right here big dog i go everyone's watching good fucking there's like attractive girls on the corner that are like they get their phone out. I'm like, the whole thing's being recorded. My camera guy, Wyatt's like, do it. I was like, here we go. He leans in.

Dude, I get so close. I touch the, I touched the flakes on his chap lips. And I, I, I dude, cringe moment of the week. I backed out.

Cause I was like, this is the lips killed me. The lips killed me. And I, and I, and I tried to play it off. Like we kissed and he goes, and I and I and I tried to play it off like we kissed

and he goes he looks at me dead in the face he goes pussy so then I gotta re-kiss him and I'm like

I can't I gotta just go all the way I just gotta go all the way I tried to blame it on him cringe. I just got to go all the way. I tried to blame it on him. Cringe moment of the week. I go, you backed away. He goes, I backed away.

Do it again then. Everybody stops. Waiting for me to prove myself. Me. Coward. Couldn't finish the job. Pussy. So I'm like, I got it. I got it. This one's for, this one's for my reputation. Go up to him. He goes, that's what the fuck I'm talking about everybody resumes normal life i was like this is so insane cook a cringe moment of the week uh i did it though i did it and it is on camera if you want proof i'll post it on patreon dude every video on patreon is me kissing a guy.

All right. Let's do days of the week and then I'll, I just, I just stroked through that. Let's do days of the week and then I'll get out of here. Holy shit. What an episode this has been. I love this podcast. Dude, I was thinking about this one day. I know this is some cocky shit, but when people figure out about this podcast,

they're going to be like, I swear to God it's going to hit. I don't know when that's going to happen. We just got to be patient. We got to grow the club, tell your friends. I don't know. But one day, one of these clips are going to hit.

Are the right persons going to listen to this shit? Not that you guys aren't the right people, but you know what I mean? And, and, the fam will be on top. The Kiss Club will smooch forever. All right, that's two days of the week.

Thursday, today, check your w days of the week. Thursday. Today. Check your wipers day. Love that. I don't know how to change wipers on my car. Everybody's like, it's not that hard. I just don't want to do it, I don't think. So right now I have one windshield wiper that works and one that doesn't even have a wiper that just makes a

half moon on my windshield. It's so annoying, but yeah, I know. Fix it. Just fix it. You're being a bitch. Just fix it. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Can't even see on one half of my windshield. Indiana Day.

Indiana? Yeah, not a great state. It is crazy. Indiana's the craziest. When you tell somebody from LA like, LA that you're from Indiana, dude, that's just so weird. I've passed through there. I guess there's not really shit. Who cares?

But I'm like, dude, our downtown is lit. I swear to God, Indianapolis is lit. Right? Maybe because I haven't, I swear I've been to a lot of cities too, but Indianapolis, I'm like, fuck yeah, dude. There's nothing wrong. This place is fire. You can walk, dude, it's clean. Dude, Indianapolis is nice, dude. Fuck off. Indianapolis is, you know where it is? You know what Indianapolis is you know where it is you know what Indianapolis is cute as fuck

that's what it is great American smokeout I don't know what that means but but I don't know how you guys are going to stop vaping that's that one I always think about

it and I'm like, I'm glad I don't vape, but how is everybody in the world going to stop? They're not bro. You guys are fucked. You're done. I don't know. Like, have you ever met one single person in the world that just quit vaping and they're done i don't know like have you ever met one single person in the world that just quit vaping and they're done name one person that has successfully quit vaping they don't go back no no no no i just do when i'm drunk now okay so you drink every day every hour every minute name one person that has quit vaping. Dude, you guys are done for. Oh, man.

And I'm not going to lie, dude. I didn't know what it was. On some, oh, I'm playing dumb. No, dude. Somebody had a vape, and I was just with the boys putting down some brews. Sounds so stupid. And they had a vape and it was like, it was like before 2020. And I was like, fuck it, dude.

I thought it was like hookah. I was like, and I was like, this is crazy dog. This is, this is fire. I just thought it was like vapor. I was like, this isn't like bad. It's just like some bullshit. And I accidentally kept it. Accidentally kept it.

Got home and I was like, oh shit, I still have his vape. Put it on my TV stand or whatever the fuck. Woke up. I first thought, where the fuck is that vape? I was addicted for a day. Two days. All I was thinking about, I was like, yo, that shit. I need that again.

Thank God that I didn't even, I threw it away or some shit. But Lord. Dude, I think if I were to vape for three days straight, I'd be hooked. It's crazy. It's crazy. How are you guys going to do it? Wish you the best, but like y'all are in for it. Um, fast food day. it. Fast food day.

Wow. Fast food day. We talked about Long John Silver's for like 48 minutes. Another fast food place that like, I don't know how it's still there is Fazoli's. When's the last time you went to Fazoli's on purpose? Like, because it was your decision.

Like the last, like maybe like 20 times I went to Fazoli's is because like my fucking football team was going, or then I was like, ah, we're going to Fazoli's. All right. Like I've never been like Fazoli? All right. Like, I've never been like, Fazoli sounds fire.

When I was a kid, yeah. But I feel like that's when Fazoli's was popping. I feel like there's like eight or nine fast food places that are just like McDonald's owns them. Is that a conspiracy theory? I feel like McDonald's owns like Long John Silver's maybe Fazoli's like a couple other ones that you're like

how is Hardee's you know what I mean what the fuck Hardee's and I know like there's another one too and you're like huh I feel like McDonald's owns those and they're just like yeah just fucking ride it I feel like McDonald's owns those. And they're just like, yeah, just fucking ride it. Dude, we're McDonald's.

They can suffer. We're McDonald's. But just keep them there. Because that's our shit. Maybe on to something. Friday. Okay. Foreign exchange student day.

Was that not the weirdest fucking thing in your entire life when your rich friend in high school would come up to you and be like hey we took in a foreign exchange student you can't spend the night i'd be like so you just adopted a kid from like china and they go to school here and you just rock with them. What an eye opening experience for that kid. What? They have to be like, yeah, I'll move in with this family and just go to the school and be friends with your daughter bro they have to just sit in there they eat with the family

I'd be like yo I'm open to like cultural things but you're just gonna fucking we're just gonna like she's just part of our family like what

what if ew what if is she gonna like come to church with us and shit she's gonna like shit in our house and stuff there's nothing wrong with that but like damn

when someone would take in a foreign exchange student, I'd be like, y'all are fucking ballsy. I don't know about you, but I can't stand even my family. And you're going to bring somebody like a, like a native American person, just going to rock in the gun, a rock with us from the guest room that's crazy dude cool cool with that but like jesus christ that's that's insane so like they don't know anything and they're just gonna come trick-or-treating with us that's okay i mean if they're okay with everything i guess but like that is, uh, that is very different. Dude, if I, if it was the other way around and I went to like Japan and went with a family,

I would, I would not speak one word ever. And I would be in my room the whole day, pretty much like I am in LA. I'm a foreign exchange student here, I guess. Cause everybody's always like, yo, okay, here's the deal today. It's Sunday. We're going to go, we're going to wake up. We're going to go paintballing. Then we're going to get brunch with the boys. Then before the show, this actually happened. Marco laying all this shit out for me.'re gonna go paintballing we're gonna get brunch uh my buddy owns a pizza restaurant we're gonna go there before the show then after the show we're hitting up barney's beanery dude for the rest of the night karaoke

i was like see at the show i'm not doing any of that shit what no like I I I I'm sorry I'm just a fucking anti-social person maybe I appreciate the invite but there's no way in fucking hell I could ever do any of that I would be tossing and turning in my sleep the night before that no and if you want to do that yeah I think you're kind of crazy all right yeah if I was a foreign exchange student in another country they would not even they'd be like is he still did he home? I think he went home, but I'd just be in my room. Like,

sick. This is, this is cool. I'm cool. I'd have to go. I'd go out one time, see a fucking building and I'd be like, all right.

Yeah. Went to Tokyo. Went to sleep in Michigan woke up in Miami crazy podcast Saturday Princess Day I think it's weird why not

anybody calls anybody princess I'm like I think it's weird. Why not? Anybody calls anybody princess. I'm like, even when like a dad calls his daughter princess, I'm like, Hmm. Kind of weird. And you mean that? I don't know.

I always get super uncomfortable with shit like that. I have no idea why. Probably because my dad never even called any of us by our actual names. Starts crying. Adoption Day. No, no, no, no, no. We already did that shit. Yeah, we already did that shit yeah we already did that shit mickey mouse mickey mouse's birthday mickey mouse is a little sketchy and scary too there's

some conspiracy theories there for sure but goddamn disneyland slaps oh god i went to disneyland i told you guys this shit already but man that shit if you go with the right people, I got to go with the right people. I got to be in the group that knows what's going down. Cause I don't give a fuck. I don't know anything. I would walk around in circles all day. I got to be with like a person who's been somewhere seven times that I'm going. Oh, we're going to Cedar Point. Okay. And I've been there eight times. I know everything.

Follow me. All right. Sounds good. But if it's just me and my fucking boys and we don't know shit, I'm like, I'm not going, dude. We don't know the plan. We don't have a stretch. There's got to be a girl like that knows. Dude, girls just fucking know everything. Here's the itinerary. I'm like, I don't even a stretch there's got to be a girl like that knows dude girls just fucking know

everything here's the itinerary i'm like i don't i don't even want to see it let's just fucking roll i'm following you sunday toilet day i didn't know this 33 years, when you flush a toilet, the seat's supposed to be down? Like the whole, it's supposed to be covered? I flushed the toilet and they were like, bro, put the seat over, like put the seat down. There's particles going everywhere if you flush the toilet with the seat down. There's particles going everywhere. If you flush the toilet with the seat up, I was like. Well, just fucking breezed over that one my entire goddamn life. What about the public bathroom toilets? They don't have covers.

We're out here fucking. Oh, the bottom of my socks. So yellow. It's disgusting guy who needs new socks holy shit embarrassing wants to leave now carbonated beverage day i don't know if i have like a weak bitchy throat but I don't know if I have like a weak bitchy throat, but it's kind of hard for me to drink carbonated, like to drink like a Sprite, dude. That first three sips, I'm like, I don't know how people can just drink the fuck out of Sprite.

I'm like, yo, that doesn't hurt your throat or any carbonated drink. I'm like, Oh my God. Oh my gosh. Lord Jesus. Every time I drink any carbonate Coke is it's usually the ones that are are that are like lighter in color. I'm like, haha. Like you ever thirsty and the only thing around is like fucking like a Mountain Dew. You're like, ah, ah, ah, ah, oh, my God. I don't know. I might just be a bitch, but I could never do that shit. Oh,

weak throat. All right, y'all. That's the pod. I love you guys so much. Um, thank you for the voice messages. Thank you for watching FY Island.

Um, it's getting good. Check it out on the CW. Remember to leave a voice message for next week. We're going through episodes six and seven, or it could be seven and eight. I'm not really sure, but we're doing ask me anything. F boy Island season three next week. Submit your questions. I love you. And, uh, if you're in LA, um, I'm going to have shows coming up. It's fucking holiday season, bitch. Join the Patreon.

Live stream Sunday nights and podcasts every other week. Tell your homies about the espresso pod because one day, baby, we're taking it there. But for now, I love you. Talk to you soon.

See you next time. All right, fam.