Espresso - wildest thing you’ve seen at a wedding?

Episode Date: August 7, 2025

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I jump in to the middle of the dance floor, circle, you know, opens up. And there I go. Doing the worm. And doesn't my dress come all the way up? And my entire ass is exposed to everybody. How the hell we wind up like this. And while were we waited to see the signs that we miss, miss, miss. Oh, this is on.

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And it seems like there's something that happens at every wedding I've been to. Man, I think I've done the best. I've done the best job of not going to weddings. Like if there's a guy who's dipping, ducking, dodging weddings, I need a gold medal, bro. I'm not going! dude i honestly almost didn't go to my dad's second wedding i mean that's kind of a stretch too right he was like hey if you don't have anything going on getting married tomorrow

i was like all right to who no i'm just kidding no but uh it was like five minutes till tea time at his wedding he's like hey we're getting married in like ten you got you you free so stupid um but i'm not one time i don't know i kind of feel like a dick but

i don't i don't i still don't think deep down anybody wants to go you're like literally you're a dick i don't think if i got married tomorrow if i got married to the love of my life i i know deep in my heart and soul that my family members

would be like, God damn it. You know what I mean? When they open the envelope, Jesus, fuck, we got to... All right, hold on. And that right there makes me not ever want to have a wedding, ever. I know the first reaction...

The first reaction cannot be... Oh my God, babe! There's no way. It's... Ah, shit. We got to buy this dude, some glow-in-the-dark. rocks I don't know but I usually don't go but when I when I have gone there has been some

stuff that's gone down um and somebody always passes out somebody has a heart attack somebody can't walk you know what I mean I was in the bridal party one time and you know how everybody comes out with the dance and the reception hey mr. DJ put a record on everybody had a choreo. Dude, that on wedding day, my biggest fear, dude, the whole day, I'm not even think about anything else, but what's our handshake going to be? I'm with this girl. She wants to like, you know, do something fun and cool. And it all lands on my shoulders. Like, she's not going to help. So let me just take like two days of brainstorming to figure out a little dance so we can all be happy. And I was just like, you know what, I'm not doing it this time. Just

just walk up to me, look at me, face to face, in my eyes, wait three seconds, and then just smacked a shooter to me. And she did. And it was, I think it was the, it was the best wedding entrance of a lot. Got some people in the crowd. It was so good. I was like, before we went out for the reception, before she said, they said our names, because we're like behind a curtain and they did our thing. I was like, you have to hit me like, you, like, if it's not going to work if you like shy shy away like you have to slap the piss out of me and she did forever grateful oh it was good mr sir red cheek for the rest of the night loved it and then another time cringe moment of the week i was doing the same thing at a reception the girl's like aren't you

comedian you're supposed to be like funny can you like make up a cool funny thing for us i was like oh my go so I tried to run it back cringe moment of the week and I was like okay um how about this we walk out there five steps

boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom you turn to me I turn to you you spit on your hand and smack me across the face she goes I have a boyfriend and he's going to be at the wedding

I was like oh so we can't do anything fun I forgot when you have a boyfriend all bets are all Craziest thing ever I'm like And you can't smack me in the face Wouldn't he like that Crazy

Let's hear yours It's a wildest thing you've ever seen Or done at a wedding It was my uncle's third wedding Me and my brother got absolutely hammer fucked And started talking smack to each other Five minutes later everybody's at the bar

they got married everybody's at the bar and we just start drawing throwing tables and fucking slashing each other just hitting

each other it was pretty cool but I ended up going to the hospital because I slashed my wrist open there's got to be a fight babe if there's not a fight

it wasn't a good wedding open bar everybody's first question open bar you know if people don't want to go to your wedding when that's the first thing I ask you open bar though just want to get fucked all always a little bit of a fight or someone's girl oh my god you know how many times have you oh my how many times has your girlfriend been mad at you at a wedding with your girlfriend. Well, possible fight occurring tonight. Forecasts looking like maybe a fight for absolutely no reason.

Oh, to not get in a fight, I'm just going to have to be the biggest stiff of all time at this wedding. Cool, yeah, I can't wait. Let's go. Well, like, I know you know her and you like looked at her. So like, we. Sorry, I'm at the same

place at the same time as another person I know. Always a fight at a wedding, bro. But like a fist fight, that's kind of lit. As long as it didn't go down at the reception where like grandparents can see it, little kids. How about when you're at, when you're at a wedding reception, you still don't like the other, like the person you're there for.

for you don't you don't like their family like the other person's family at all right every time i'm at a wedding i'm like well it's us versus them i'm like ew dude why are they like all their cousins on the dance floor this is this is our this is our this is our we must protect this house baby this is our shit all her cousins are ugly ew that's her You know, that's all you're doing at wedding reception. Maybe my family's different, but we always hate everybody on the other side of the wedding reception. We're like, yo, dude, they're so ugly.

That kid's weird. Just roasting them the whole time. I don't know. Do other people, like, get along at weddings? I'm like, yo, this is crazy. You can't tell me you like the person. and your best friend married.

You can't tell me that. You can't. There's no way deep in your soul that you're like, they're perfect. Shut up. You're like so bitter and you're just like, you're mad at yourself. Shut up, Ash.

So this was actually my wedding. I was marrying my husband at the time, not married to him anymore. Maybe there's a reason for that. So the ceremony is going on. The priest is saying, he's still a little spiel. And I'm looking at my husband and I'm like, are you okay? Because he's starting to look a little bit pale.

This motherfucker was so hungover. I know. And it was so hot outside. And this was an Indian wedding. So he was wearing like layers of just really, really thick clothing. So then his eyes roll back and he starts to faint. So I grab him. and there's like this kind of like

there's like this really big chair like during Indian weddings and so I like grab him and I throw him in the chair and then I had to like call someone to get him water and then like a doctor was in the crowd and they like brought him orange juice and stuff it was embarrassing and crazy and weird I don't know though

I mean if you're gonna have a wedding you kind of want something I mean I hope he's okay but like if something like that happens at your wedding. I mean, you got something to remember, you know? Like down the road, remember your dumbass fainted and we had to make you sip orange juice in the throne on stage? Like, that's kind of sick. If I have a wedding, that's what, yeah, your eyes rolled back in your head. That's what I want. You see that viral clip of that dude, that dude and that girl? And he was like, last thing everybody we are expecting what everyone to have a great time tonight like some at that

something like that i've never seen that before am i like a am i like a boomer that i because i've never seen anyone do that before that was that that dude crushed it got to have something weird happening somebody feints this is this my show's on right when somebody faints at a wedding Here we go. The good parts on. Everybody lock in. I swear, if I have a wedding one day, I want everybody, everybody listening to this, I want you to come, you're invited. And I want you to object. Stand in the back. Don't do it! That's my type of wedding right there. You want me to go to weddings? Bring back objections.

Yep. Don't care who. you are. Come one, come all. Who's not going to that wedding? Yeah, I was going to start humming that

wedding song that they always play, but I forgot how it goes. Oh, da, da, with us nationally.

Anyway, yeah, I haven't been a ton of weddings. It was not present at my parents' wedding, so that's good.

That's definitely the sign of a dirtball. But I wasn't, thankfully. More of my sisters. Neither are that's worth. So that's good. It's wonderful. It's a wonderful thing.

The most wild thing I've seen in a wedding. That's a good question, bro. What is, though? Oh, yeah. Oh, it's getting saucy. Wait, do I have to be present at-said wedding? If not, I'll start ripping lights from wedding crashers. But if it's one that I was at.

Okay, probably. So, you know, they always say. You can have the chicken. The steak or whatever. Oh, my God. It's just like they're taking a healthy choice meals, the frozen dins, or at the fur dins, if you will, the firmed a bag thing. Burdins. Anyway.

And they're just freaking whipping those up, you know what I mean? Gross. Like, I've been a few, I've been a few where it was good, but that I'm like, eh, it's like me in hospital. Okay, let's get to the point. So, you know, I'm like one of the chicken. I'm like, you know what? No, I don't actually want that. a mistake.

They're like, but you ordered this. I'm like, I know, but I'm changing my mind. It's not like you don't have 58 versions of every file. That's what I'm saying. Yes, like, it's not like they have a limited supply, like they do, but they also don't. You know what I mean? It's not like they have, you know, only one of each or only one chicken for this guy. They probably have one of each, right?

at least it's got two of each. You know what I mean? So, and they were like, well, you're going to have to check. And I'm like, oh, really? You're calling me? Station, I should know about this? This roof, I'll tell you, it can think of beatings.

I've been knocked out for ages. But anyway, yeah, no, nothing really crazy. I would have seen at a wedding. Oh, maybe a fight between the bride's father of the group. But other than that, Nah, not even that. Yeah, just that or just a horrendous area soon, probably. But that's all, kiss and test.

Tassah. There it is. Stuck to landing! Milky Boys' SUV's been rolling off the side of a highway and a cornfield for two years. Dude, he's always in the car. There hasn't been one Milky Boy voice message where he's not... I'm so over wedding food I'm so glad we're talking about this

chicken steak or fish I'd like to slap this shit out of everybody just anything but those three the sides even the wedding cake man the most underwhelming thing I'm kind of hype

I'm kind of hype for wedding cake at weddings never been more disappointed and nobody's eating it usually I'm the only one eating 45 pieces of like mid cake you ever notice that nobody's eating the wedding cake

like during the reception when the the dust is cleared everybody's all full they've eaten I'm like now's my time to shine there's a whole ass cake there still I'm like nobody touched it am I allowed to have some oh my god when you cut the cake

put the cake in your her face. Am I a bitter person? Just all that seems like who hasn't done that? Every wedding. Same thing. Can't remember one of them. Same thing. Oh, your wedding? Oh, it was the same as my, okay. Oh, your wedding was the same thing as ring. Okay, it was the same thing. One time I just declined being a groomsman. I didn't know. I was like young. If it happened now, probably just do it, probably not. But I did just tell my homie like, hey, man, sorry. And I didn't even have a reason. We were just at his house. And I was like, why is he inviting me over? It was like, he's like, yo, should we like go to the baseball game? I was like, why are we like,

are you going to ask to marry me? I was like, well, we don't ever really hang out like this. And I just went over at his house. Yeah, check it out. And he started talking about getting married. and I was just like, hey, dog, before you invite me to be a groomsman, I just, I'm not, I'm good. Like, nothing on you? I can't believe I said it. Oh, my God. I don't think he cared. I still went to the wedding.

I'm a big go to the wedding and then not to the reception guy. And they're always like, oh my God, you're a dickhead because like they accounted for your food. Okay, one piece of fish Shut up You're a deck So my husband has this uncle Who at every family wedding He always does the

Gator dance from Animal House Where he gets down on the ground And like flops around And then people basically like hop over him He's known for this Our wedding there was a guest there who I had seen earlier when she dropped it low, wasn't wearing any underwear.

Okay. And later when the uncle goes to do the gator dance, I see her hopping across him and I immediately realize what's happening. And I see his eyes widen. And it was absolutely hilarious. Something that we laugh about still to this day, six years later. dude you got to retire the dance after that you have to who's a who's going commando like that at a wedding how freaky you got to be you know you already know i am but girls go in

commando under dresses what's the percentage because trust me i've i've looked I mean, it's just a reaction. No, I'm not looking up people's dresses, but like you see, you know what I mean? They're never not. They always have something on. At a wedding? Like, short, like, she noticed the girl didn't have anything on.

You always kind of can tell, but like, bro, 10 out of 10 times got some spanks on. Why is everybody so horny at weddings? It's got fucked up. Okay, I started over like four times because I started with a couple different stories and I was like, I just need to go with the G-rated one. Okay, G-rated. So this wedding, it was an outside wedding.

And with outside weddings, there is a lot to consider. You have to consider how the weather is going to be. You have to consider, you know, lighting. You have to consider noises, distractions, all these things, right? So this particular wedding that we were at, ceremony starts, you know, everyone gets down the aisle, the officiant starts talk, all of a sudden, ambulance, fire truck, all the things go by, right? So they had to stop the ceremony for like probably a minute and a half, which if you're just like sitting there, it's very awkward. So then he starts again, and then another five minutes go by. I kid you not

a train comes by so now we're sitting there for probably at least three three and a half four minutes whatever it is I love this story again it seems like an eternity train stuffs fishing keeps going

kid you not grandma was in like the front row so I couldn't see exactly what happened but I think she like reached down to like because she dropped her like program and she falls out of her chair and there was like this loud thud and like gasps and like everyone like turns and looks

no one's like helping her so finally one of the gruisman is like looks like I'll help her and he gets out of line goes help goes to help grandma gets her back in her chair and then like finally at the very end like kiss happens

they announce the couple we go in and kind of from there like there was just more just odd weird crazy stuff that happened throughout the entire reception it was just it was actually kind of more cringe than anything so like the outside was really wild but the inside was just cringe so that was just the wildest wedding that I've really witnessed and been a part of I would think that it wasn't meant to be if I was literally the guy getting married I'd be like I don't I don't know. Oh my God. That's my worst feeling of all time. Being up there and being like, I don't really know if I want to do this. Oh! I can't be the only one that's thinking that. That's where you guys come in from the back. Don't do it! Telling you, bro. Need you back there.

too many sirens. I think every 15 seconds where I live, a police and firefighter screams down the road. I don't know. I had a wedding. Just got to be so hot. outside. What about inside weddings? What are we doing there? Is it because it's always outside and all the reasons everything sucks about weddings is everybody's like, well, like, it was just

cheaper. It was just cheaper. Well, yeah, we had it outside at this barn in the middle of absolutely nowhere because, and it was 97 degrees in August, because it was cheaper. I'm like, dog, you shouldn't have got married when you were poor. What's the I just, I just got to know, man. I know I'm like, I probably sound annoying, but why, what's the hurry? I just really want to know what the hurry is. Now, dude, when girls are 25 in their head, they have like, that's the siren. They have, oh, woo, got to get married alarm.

Girls will pick just the near. guy. Type into Google. A girl when she turns 25. Guy near me. When I was like, right after college, I was seeing people get married and I was like, I know she doesn't even like him. Right?

You know those people? There's no way. I'm like, in my friends, I'm like, I know you, bro. You don't really want to do that. Then they get divorced. And I'm like, I mean. yeah good for you when they get divorced dude when people get divorced i've never been happier am i satan when people get divorced i'm like good move being divorced got to be getting divorce got to be the

funniest thing of all time hey yeah let's get married let's have a family a couple kids and then uh one day you know i'm just going to be like i'm just just kidding I didn't really like you that much. Oh shit. After 14 years, hey, you know what? I'm just messing with you. Wasn't really into it. Whoops.

News flash, babe. I don't know. Okay, I'm a wedding coordinator. So I feel like this is right at my alley. There was one wedding that I did at our venue where the... There's only one person that hates weddings more than me. It's got to be here. A couple spent the majority.

of their wedding budget on our actual venue and chose not to follow any of the recommendations that we had for food or anything like that. And they had it over the dinner hour, but they didn't serve dinner. And they only had one piece of appetizer per person. So they ordered four different appetizers and each person only got one piece and they had brought in donuts to substitute for their wedding cake and because there was no dinner oh my god there was only one appetizer per person passing out they um the guests went and ate all of the donuts during cocktail hour oh yeah when they opened up the dance floor for dancing at like 7 p.m everybody was like door dashing jimmy john's table side and everybody left by 830 maybe i'll be

right back with another one oh my god i love this dude i need some wedding planner dirt i i have to i i know wedding planners hate weddings more than anybody else i know it it's so dude doesn't make any sense to me when people have a wedding and then the reception like two hours away. I'm like, honestly, who planned this? Like, I'm not the guy that should plan anything, but I know, I know that this is inconvenient. Like, if I know one thing, bro, going to a wedding and then driving somewhere else for the reception, keep in mind, nobody cares about either thing is a huge, the whole day. Bye day. Bye, bye, by day. So another wedding I coordinated, I could tell that the wedding party was going to be a bit of a handful.

And I was right, just kind of based on the rehearsal. It was very loud, very disorganized. Probably me and five my friends. And the entire groomsman party showed up wearing shoes with Playboy bunnies printed all over. them to their wedding day, which was great. And then another wedding that I did, they were openly snorting, crushed Adderall in the bridal suite and pairing it with alcohol. That one I did let my manager know about because I didn't like the idea of pairing Adderall and alcohol and potentially getting into some kind of crazy psychiatric crisis.

But I could tell wedding stories all day. Keep them coming, babe. Okay. Bye. That just seems like every wedding I've ever been to, dude. I hate to be this guy, but every wedding I've been to, me and my friends, again, we're like 23, not ready to do anything. frontal lobe not even developed yet

let's get them married we're getting trashed in the in the groomsman little room in a church bro that was the first thing hey you know why everybody wants to get so drunk at a wedding because nobody wants to be there I'm so sorry

I just I can't I can't deal with it anymore sneaking beers into a wedding in the church it just doesn't make any sense I'm like I'm going to the whole wedding I was like I'm going to hell dude

I've got four beers in my men's warehouse rental jacket right now there's no way this checks out I've got beer breath by a baptismal font and we got we gotta go all day

I got 99 bananas shooters in my back pockets just standing in there. How you doing? How you doing? Oh, you're her dad? Oh, my God. Yeah. That's a beautiful church. Beautiful. Me, haven't slept in 48 hours. White stuff in the corners of my mouth. Yeah. You'll be lucky to have them. What am I saying? Uh-huh. My left eye doesn't work. Uh-huh. Exactly. I know, right? Yeah, the priest for a minute, I didn't even,

uh-huh. Fake wedding voice. You got to put on your fake wedding voice. Masking your drunk breath. Uh-huh. Oh my God, you're her cousin. I don't know. Every time I'm at wedding, I'm just, I'm just totally against the other family that's getting married. I'm like, I hate them all. I hate them all. Every one of them. I don't want to see them ever again. Hey, they're getting married and you have to, the families are joining. I don't like them even more now. Okay, so I was at one of my best friends' weddings and I wasn't a bridesmaid. She didn't really have like a wedding party, but she gave me a dress that she wanted me to wear to kind of match the whole vibe and ambiance she was going for. I like it. So anyway, usually when, you know, a dance breaks out.

The drinks are flowing My go-to move Is doing the worm In the middle of the dance floor So You know the party's going The dances going The drinks are flowing

And I'm buzzing And I'm like It's go time So I jump in to the middle Of the dance floor Circle, you know, opens up And there I go doing the worm

and doesn't my dress come all the way up and my entire ass was exposed to everybody all the family kids bridegroom everybody saw my butt

um yeah so pretty sure someone got a video of it too but yeah oh yeah so many picks that was that was memorable Her big moment. Oh, what's she going to do?

Dumber. Dumpy.com. Dumpy on the dance floor. So we're going to Commando. We're going to Commando at weddings. Figured it out that is the place to go Commando. You know the boys are. You know the bros are going to Commando.

Didn't know the girls were. At least, I hope. at least you were doing the worm forwards so white though so white but it also kind of hits when somebody can hit the worm and do it right you're like wow dude's kind of getting some elevation

bro's got a little hang time down there smooth worm upper body strength but when somebody does the worm backwards cut his head off The worm backwards got to be the dumbest thing. Wait, what? The worm backwards or the fish hook in the mouth?

Me at every wedding, though. Fish hook guy? Hey. To a girl I think I like. To a girl that has no idea I exist. Hey. Me. Me at every wedding.

Hey, me at every wedding. She doesn't even move closer to me. I was really, really young, and I was at a wedding. And they did the whole tap-in-the-glass thing with your silverware. Oh, yeah. Big speech or whatever to get everybody's attention. They tapped the glass, like with a fork or knife or whatever. So they give their speech.

And at the end of the speech, I thought it was really cool how they made that noise with the glass and it's everywhere. So I went ahead and I tapped the glass with mine and I tapped it so hard that I broke it and like the contents

of the glass guy everywhere. So yeah. So tap in the glass. Or for me it was always they tap the glass and the bride and groom kiss bro.

I was on that. That's all I wanted the whole time. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. They kiss. Ding, ding, ding. They kiss. Ding, ding, ding, ding.

somebody shoots me in the neck sorry every second hey make him kiss again dude make him kiss make him kiss make him kiss you won't hey you want me at every wedding hey kisser kiss her pussy he always this sweaty at a wedding do kisser kisser I'm not surprised you broke the glass dog every single thing they serve it's like plastic glass it's not real glass at a wedding it's plastic glass plastic plates plastic knives every I'm convinced every wedding I've been to has been like it's it's not a it's not a good financial situation yeah

I mean there's a couple I've been to they've always been Barnes in the middle of nowhere why is it always that big ass hoe down four hours away why are we in Tennessee a destination wedding you got to be kidding me for what

we're going to cancun dog i mean you better pay for absolutely everything everything uber to get me every like come on man so the most right thing i've done at a wedding

i went to my ex's wedding but it wasn't like a x it was like the x but to be fair he sent the group text to like all of our friends. And I purposely respond and it was like, I don't know if I'm going to be able to go just in case he forgot to take me out. So we kept a side combo about it.

He did a side combo and he just said, let me know. So I just pulled up to the wedding in my classyish, hope for show dress that I could wear. And I got checked out three times while he was dancing with his break. So, but I'm no longer toxic like that anymore because that's just like not nice karma. That's got to be. that's that might have to be a guy's worst fear

right you're getting married you kind of don't even like guys when guys get married are they 100% sure they want to do it I know that sounds that sounds like weird but like I think maybe it's me

I think there's like a 10% like you know if this got rained out really wouldn't be mad am I insane it's always 90-10 girls it's like 200 over zero even if they don't want to do it

they're still going to do it but guys it's like there is a there's a little percent in there that's like don't know and then on top of that the girl you probably should have married is there. Hey, having fun. No! Dude, when you're in a relationship and you see a girl that you actually kind of like more and she's having fun, yo! I gotta excuse myself. Bro,

bro, nothing, nothing worse in that moment as a dude. Why are you in a relationship if you don't really like her because sometimes in relationship things happen or you know what you know what it is you're in a relationship with somebody and it's like you know it's a good relationship but then you just it doesn't even have to be a girl you just see your friends like having fun and you're like oh my god oh my god i can't go to that because i have a girlfriend uh uh uh uh I always get caught up. Because if I'm in a relationship, I'm like, what if I wasn't?

I know. I know that sounds bad. I know it sounds bad. But every time I'm in a relationship, I think of myself, not in a relationship. But I'm like, man, I kind of kind of had it going on. What up? so I don't know how wild this is to see you at a wedding

but I believe it's just super corny but I was put at a table where there was a guy who was prepping for a bodybuilder competition and he literally brought all his meals and ate them at the table like he didn't drink the whole night he didn't have any of the appetizers not even the main meal.

He had literally like three meals and, you know, when you're at a wedding, you're there for a couple hours and he ate them all at the table. Like, he could just went to his car because you know that motherfucker didn't drink that night, but he didn't. And to not be corny, just go into your car and eat those meals. And I have to show everybody like, oh, you're prepping for a bodybuilder competition. Yeah. Like, those guys are just crazy.

it's like of course you want to look good and be fit but to be at that level and like you're not really competing at like some crazy mr olympia level it's not even worth it one day of eating the stupid plain chicken and vegetables that they give you at a wedding anyway which is kind of healthy yeah i mean just eat it and don't be cornball dude go to the car to show. He's trying to make it about him. How can I make this about me? Got your little meal prep, clear plastic, little locks on the side. Rice, chicken, veggies. Yeah, I eat it every day. I am that guy. I am that guy. But I would, uh, I would definitely just eat the wedding food.

Because the wedding food is low key is healthy. It's fake. but like in theory vegetables and chicken you're eating that's the same thing you're eating and how nice would it be

going out to the car during that how many breaks during a wedding do you need 13, 14 hey let's go outside for a second

that's when I want to pick up smoking why did you start smoking weddings how did I just had to get out of there Jesus Christ let's keep going Last one

So about three years ago At my cousin's wedding I was swiping on this app That's like purely meant for hooking up It's called Field And match with this girl And You know we make plans for after the wedding

To get together And spend about an hour Walking around the town You know smoking, getting to know each other, and then, you know, maybe 45 minutes or another hour and air quotes, you know, hanging out, and air quotes. And having, you know, talked to her since then, but fast forward to now my younger cousin's getting married in three weeks, and I hit her up after not talking to her for the last

three years, and she's going to be my plus one at the wedding. So, yeah, maybe not too wild, but no one really there will know the back story. So anonymously, all your listeners will. Kind of player. There's just a hookup only app, you dirty dog. Who knew? Isn't that every app, though? Every app is a hookup app.

Are people really getting into relationships? from apps. How desperate are you? How desperate are you? You had to download an app to find somebody you love. What? I don't know.

I mean, I guess that's pretty much what Instagram is. You just find people on there you want to like be friends with and stuff. Your Instagram's more of a dating app than dating apps. Hey, you want to know who you like? Who's popping up on your story?

story first. Jesus Christ. I looked at my story the other day, or I looked up with the people that were like had stories active the other day. I was like, oh my God. What is this? All of them have sternum tattoos.

Just kidding. Is he kidding? Is he kidding? What kills me is so funny to me is when girls find like other dudes that have like a tinder. You know what I mean? like they're in a relationship when a girl's in a relationship with a dude and that dude has like a secret

Tinder oh my god bro you didn't think she'd find that out what bro every girl probably has a password to your email account every girl has all your passwords I'm convinced

you didn't think she was going to find your fake dating profile dog I've seen so many people that are like Oh my God He activated his Tinder after we got in one fight And he thought I would know Girls

Oh my God It's amazing I don't know how you guys do it But you have a secret group chat That has every girl in the world in it And you know everything about everything Dudes would have no idea if I did a girl

and she had a secret tinder who's telling me? Who's telling me? Guys don't say anything about girls after they like do anything with them. Maybe in like sixth grade

but after that I'm like dog I don't want to know any of your business. Girls are like, let me, I want to know how big is this dick? I'm like, Jesus. what happened to like personal info bros are just like yeah i mean

bros are like guys don't even want to like tell you what happened they're like uh we just like kind of we we we were I saw for like a second that's that's how much detail guys are given you hung out with that girl last night yeah we just like uh got food that was it they could have spent the whole 24 hours together that's what the guy's saying where'd you guys say where'd you guys go? I don't really. I mean, I don't know.

Some place. She like showed me. That's it. That's it. And that's, that's it. That's it. They could be married in five years. Wouldn't know anything about it. How the hell do we wind up like this? Why were we waiting? Just keep kind. Just do days.

Days. Days of the way. week Thursday today IPA day IPA day IPA lot God Gumblehead

you know you just tell when people drink IPAs that's the funniest part about IPAs it's so obvious oh you drink you drink It's either 100% You've never had one or that's all you drink All right, cool

Yeah, I'll take like a zombie dust What a thing What an idea And we just pounced on it And they're They are so popular At restaurants All IPAs

What do you guys have on we guys have on tap I haven't drank in a hot minute but yo I don't even know if this counts as an IPA but boy the best beer I've ever had probably not a surprise

but that I shouldn't even be talking about this but that blue moon with that with half of an orange in it? I mean, come on. Is that an IPA? I don't know. But just an orange juice with some pizza? Get out of town! Crispy crust. Just shoving oranges in that thing. Half the reason I'm drinking anything is for the fruit. Wittress has got to be so pissed.

I'm sorry. Yep. Yeah, I'm the guy that orders a club soda and gets 14 limes and 14 lemons around the rim. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You're going to talk shit about me behind my back to the rest of the wait staff. And that's fine. That's fine. I just got to, I just have to have all the fruit you had. And when I worked at a restaurant, I was eating all the fruit. I thought it was so crazy that they just had oranges, cherries, lemons, and limes. Hey, will you cut the fruit before we open? I had an orange peel over my mouth like a monkey. Who's not eating all that? If you work at a restaurant, you eat so much crap. And you won't turn it down either. Pass by those little, you know how every restaurant

has like those little like dull dull pineapple like cans for the bartender to make like mixed drinks with pineapple bro i was clapping those where's all the pineapple cans where's all the canned pineapple going me 13 cans rattling around in my cargo pockets i don't know don't know don't know down in it and like cruise Routons, bro. Oh. Oh. Get over here.

We just had it in our, in the restaurant I worked in, we just had a huge, huge, huge, Cambrough of raisins. Shut up. Golden raisins. Every time I come downstairs,

Oh. Oh. Just tractor size handful. holes. Don't care. We had a big one of almonds too. I was like, is this a trick? Am I going to be on like punked?

Don't leave any food around me, boy. All that little shit during the day. Just fries. You know what I mean? Just fries. Fries on the side of a plague. Yeah, I'll take four. Are you kidding me?

Everybody's doing that. And if you're not secretly eating the food that people don't eat, you're disgusting! I don't even know if we can talk. So this kid ate, ordered 13 chicken wings, had two. You don't think I'm going to take down 11 chicken wings real quick, that he didn't even touch.

He might have sneezed on him. Good. all that. Dude, I was eating carbs that you couldn't even believe. Spoon bread? Just a big fluffy pancake with butter on it. Hey, we got a spoon bread. If anybody want,

before they could even end the sentence, bro. What? Oh my God. That restaurant life is so wild. The way you hated it, but the way like, if you put me in tomorrow I could still probably do it

the way you hated it but you kind of miss it at the same time starts crying gets a job at Buffalo Wild Wings Sea Serpent Day so can snakes be under water and in the air I'm still kind of not understanding

one. I always see videos of snakes in the water and I'm like okay so they can just be in there for how long?

For how long? If you ask me we really need to put I know I know nobody asked but can we just put a little more

respect on electric eels can we think about electric eels for a second big snakes that electrify you and we're not talking about that oh yeah floaty thing terrifying teeth uh huh like a snake uh probably faster yep oh it's disgusting yeah that's scary looking

comes at you quick uh huh what else does it do it can electrify you what there's so many animals that I'm like are we sure do we is that a myth

are those really not electric do they call them that was that like a god dang saw a video of an eagle that picked up a goat and just dropped it from like a really high mountain

and killed it I didn't know Eagles were doing that. I know Eagles are fierce, but bro, if your dog got scooped up by an eagle, I would be like, nothing you can do

about that, baby. You know what's happening, but can you stop it? Just keep going. Pickled all day. Friday. Pickleball Day. Can't hate on pickleball. Can't hate on it because we played it my freshman year in PE class and it was the best week I've ever had my life.

Oh my God. I had so much fun. And I didn't know if it was an actual game or it was just like a game my PE teacher made up in his head with his dad or something. I'm like pickleball. This is a game you and your. brother played when you're in your dad's garage one day when you're 12 and 13 and you're we're we're just playing it i had so much fun i had so much fun and it was we had such a good class all

week everybody was so happy the teacher was it do you know you when your p.e teacher's having fun with you you're like yes yes mrs hayling was even having fun with us yes she was playing Yeah, because every, I don't know, every PE class I've ever been to, we're always getting in trouble the whole time. I'm like, oh my God. Like, is there one thing we can do without getting yelled at? Jesus Christ.

Yeah, we're playing dodgeball and I threw the ball at the girl's face and like now I'm getting yelled at for it. We're playing dodgeball though. Bro, when your PE teacher starts getting in the action with the dog, too, you don't, you, nothing, nothing. more hype than that. Oh yeah, we're going in. Like your boys get excited. You're trying to get the teacher out. Oh. Or when your coach starts kind of coach at practice starts going in a little bit. You've never been more excited than when you're scrimaging and one of the coaches starts playing

QB and he starts running the ball. Oh my God. I thought I was in fantasy land. We're playing real defense. Our real coach who's probably like 30 gets under center, runs the option. He's like, hit me! Oh my God, dude. Doing fake pitches. I've never that's when I turned gay.

Nah, but when your PE teacher starts going ham with you. Beautiful feeling. I'm like, you do. You do like me. All those times you yelled at me, you were looking out for me. It's a, it's a moment, bro. Yeah, Coach K, he yelled at me earlier today. But then he picked me on his ultimate frisbee team.

He told me, he told me I should try out for the, like, the college team. Dude, there's always ultimate frisbee. Like, how come there's always every college camp is, I've ever even stepped foot on in my entire life. There's immediately an ultimate frisbee game going on in front of my face. Can't go anywhere without finding an ultimate frisbee team. CBD day.

Did anybody ever actually buy into that? I don't think that, I don't think they got me one time. Oh, CBD. I was like, okay, dude. Like, you just know, when something's fake. CBD-infused coffee.

Shut up. I don't think I ever took one hit of anything, CBD. Yeah, I probably would have died or something. Did they even do CBD anymore? You know what it is now? It's freaking Brazilian. Wait, what? buy chocolate.

Okay. I've had enough. It's pickle everything. It's Dubai, Dubai chocolate, and I don't, it's not good. It looks like the stuff you,

the crust on the edge of your lawnmower when you get done cutting the grass. That's on the lawnmower and you got to like bang it off like with your foot. You got to kick it off. That's Dubai chocolate. It's just a bunch of nothing.

You know when they start selling like stuff on the side of the road that it's just such a scam. Dubai, I saw a Dubai chocolate tent. Get the, get out! Dubai chocolate cookie. Hey, I fell for it. Come on. He's buying 12 cookies at a Dubai chocolate chocolate. one, I was like, this is the time I tried to buy chocolate.

Tasted like nothing. Dubai chocolate. Dubai, bye. I got to see you later. Come on. It's got. It was pretty good. a rice pudding day oh why does that sound kind of good oh why is that rice

or why is rice pudding sound kind of good though i don't even know if i've had it unless it was at a buffet but i've had it it it's kind of warm oh my god what's going on with rice pudding am i pregnant garage sale day a mom in the car during a garage sale day most dangerous woman in the world

you've never seen more fury behind someone's eyes than a mom on a garage sale day your mom on garage sale day just to get nothing too oh my god oh my god oh my did you see oh my god $9 oh we need to go to their house on the corner

they're having one they're having one all to get nothing maybe a chair maybe a chair for the patio it's cute it's cute that's a deal it's cute

trying to convince you I'm like what a load of crap at every garage sale what a scam yeah we don't want to crap

yeah do it we're gonna throw it out see if they want it yeah a tub of baseball cards

2002 Mark Tashara put all our in the garage and then you go in the dude you start you start

asking if stuff in the garage is for sale you ever do that it's not for sale you're like what about that leaf blower is that for sale you start like making things up in your head you're like if that leaf blow is for sale I might actually last one I had died a couple weeks ago you got to pee in their house too hey do you guys have a bathroom I know I'm really

sorry peeing in somebody else's house that you've never been in before I'm like this is how you decorate this good lord bathroom always smells like like flowers like wait too much. You're like, Jesus Christ. A lot of furry stuff in the bathroom. You ever notice that? You pee in somebody else's house, like unannounced. They always have like, um, it seems real busy. Like there's a lot of, like the rug is like shaggy. There's like a lot of rugs. There's like a thing on top of the toilet. That's a rug. There's like a rug on the toilet seat.

There's a rug but below the toilet seat. There's so many towels, extra, extra. extra extra, extra towels, towel by this, towel by that. I'm like, has anyone ever been in here before? This seems like, it seems like you, you decorated this bathroom when he moved in, then lock the door for seven years. I'm like, there's like little angel statues and figurines. I'm like, this bathroom is so much. God forbid, I move a half inch.

My elbow knocks over 13 little angel baby statues. Sunday Smoor's Day Smoor's Day I just They've just never done anything for me I'm sorry I'm sorry Smoor community

but I don't want anymore um even s'mores like s'm more even on fourth of july with the actual smore i'm like it's good but you really got it you really got to dress this thing up smores teddy grams smores pop tarts I think, I think they got us. You know what I mean? It's nothing. I need more chocolate and it's a lot of,

it's a lot of, it's a lot of marshmallow and gram cracker. And that really doesn't do anything for me. It's more as this, more is that, it's too much. It's not that good. We're overhyping. it. Somebody tell them we're done. I had a s'm cooking. It was kind of good.

I mean, that's like one out of every 20 things. I think I overstayed my s'mer welcome one time. I mean, I was looking for trouble. I was starving. And you know when you're like on the go and you don't have anything to eat, so you have to go to the grocery store because it's the only place open so I was like

I guess I'll just go to the grocery store and get something to eat but like it can't be hot because it's like you know what I mean I'm just like on the move in my head I'm like I'm probably just gonna like buy some granola bars or something and just like house a box of granola bars

I was starving but instead I just got a box of six s'mores pop tarts and I'm like these have to be gas like these have to be good took them all out I don't know how many Pop-Tarts that is individually

12 all on the way to some idiot's house best Pop-Tart flavor not a Pop-Tart podcast but best Pop-Tart flavor it's probably going to be like kind of a

kind of a hot take it's hot fudge Sunday it's hot foot sunday like I don't know if I would eat that in the morning for breakfast but like at night at night you telling me you're gonna rock

with a strawberry oh gee at night at night it's time to get naughty that Sunday and I dare you to put that thing in a microwave put that put that thing on 10 in the microwave ew you put in the microwave yes yeah let me pull out the toaster this takes 30 minutes i'll forget about it i'll burn my finger it's just a nightmare in a toaster microwave 10 seconds boom perfect still intact

remember the first time i put my pop tarts in a toaster i was like these are going to be amazing they're folded like this burnt weird i was like this is not a pop tart anymore i i kind of i almost prefer my pop tarts raw right out of the pack no don't even warm them up babe babe i want my pop tarts on default settings that hot fudge sunday at night hitting so hard. Oh, the chocolate Pop-Tart, too. Brown sugar cinnamon at night?

It's not doing it, man. It's not doing it. Even Hot Fudge Sunday in the morning, you're like, whoa, there's sprinkles on it. They were in their bag when they made Hot Fudge Sunday Pop-Tarts. Wild, Wildberry, I feel like I couldn't have those unless I want to sweep steaks or something. I was like, oh my God.

And I feel like a lot of people still don't even have them. Like, I've never even seen wild. I kind of haven't really seen Wildberry Pop-Tarts at my friend's house growing up. I haven't seen them, like, I only see them in the store and I'm like, whoa, those are like forbidden. HFS, babe. Cookie dot

No Cookie no Cookie no All right that's it fam I love you guys Thanks for tapping in Check the merch

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