Espresso - wildest thing you've stolen?

Episode Date: November 24, 2022

🎟 𝗦𝗘𝗘 𝗕𝗘𝗡𝗡𝗬 𝗟𝗜𝗩𝗘 𝗔𝗧 𝗗𝗘𝗧𝗥𝗢𝗜𝗧 𝗛𝗢𝗨𝗦𝗘 𝗢𝗙 𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗘𝗗𝗬 𝗗𝗘𝗖𝗘𝗠𝗕𝗘𝗥 𝟮𝟮https://dettickets.houseofcomedy.net/event/benedict-polizzixFIl4hV🔥𝗠𝗲𝗿𝗰𝗵 https://benedictmerch.com/🔒𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi 🟣𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso-w-benedict-polizzi/id1514492317🟢𝗦𝗽𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗳𝘆 https://open.spotify.com/show/1Ka4dMrpfGxYPGZsUJ1Csf🔸𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 https://www.cameo.com/benedictpolizzi?utm_campaign=profile_share🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸 https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺 https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

haha espresso podcast shot 238 i'm your girlfriend benedict palizzi and this week we're gonna answer the question what's the wildest thing you've ever stolen but first hey get your tickets detroit house of comedy december 22nd i'm headlining and i'm bringing my boy joey Molinaro with me. Remember to go to benedictmerch.com. Grab all your merch, your Taha Fuck merch. You're feeling glonky. Who's buying this?

Everything at benedictmerch.com. And we got to do these guys. Crewneck. Sexy. Go check it out. And remember to listen to these guys podcasts on all streaming platforms youtube apple pods spotify that's me and joey's pod and remember to join the patreon five dollars a month for an extra episode every week and we go crazy on that shit because you

there's no copyright there's no there's no holding back bro fam knows ask somebody that's joint that's in the patreon fam they'll be like bruh fam knows fam i don't know what that means but you know what i mean all right let's get going espresso question quick quick quick quick quick question of the week what's the wildest thing you've ever stolen i told you dude when i was in college i stole a like we were i think i was a damn i don't want to say colepto because everybody's like i seriously was a colepto everybody fucking says that but uh i mean i stole some shit everybody you got to steal some shit growing up you have to if you haven't stolen anything like who come on bro live a little

everybody's got to steal something sometimes it's just part of the game you know what i mean sometimes it's part of the game sometimes you got to steal something to just it Sometimes it's part of the game. Sometimes you got to steal something to just, it's part of the game, bro. Like at Whole Foods, sometimes you just got to, sometimes you just got to like, you know, you get the, you get the warm, the hot, hot bar at Whole Foods and it's like 45 pounds and it's going to, the check's going to be like $55. Sometimes you just got to put it on the scale and have your hand under it for a little bit. It's part of the deal. Your suitcase at the airport.

See those videos of people putting their suitcase on the weighing thing at the airport? Sometimes you got to have your foot under it because it's part of the deal. Sometimes you see like a skateboard on the side of the road. Sometimes you just got to pick it up and put it in your car. Because it's part of it. It's part of life yeah but one time we like uh in college we were at these girls house and i swear they didn't even care we could we could have like we could have like picked their house up and put it on a semi truck and driven it to like 45 minutes away

and they'd been like it's fine you know it's those type of girls we literally took their lawnmower and put it in the back of my jeep and just it wasn't for real we weren't gonna like cut our grass the next day because we lived in a fucking dorm but we just like wanted to see their reaction and of course like they didn't mow their grass so they never knew so i just had a lawnmower in my jeep for like 17 weeks i think we took their nutella too though and i ate all that shit the same night yeah but i was a little bitch and i did shit like that in college but like it was it was it was more for the reaction you know they stole our lawnmower then you bring it back you don't really fucking keep their lawnmower but uh let's talk what's the wildest shit you've ever stolen from

anonymous so it's late we're drunk no propane dominoes is closed but we got burgers so we're at a house party up the street at this girl's house. We go out on her back deck, unhook her propane tank from these girls' grill, drop it off the second-story deck into the fucking yard, and make this German foreign exchange shoot and carry it home like a half mile to our house so we can make burgers. Literally stole a fucking entire propane tank from some girl's grill at a party up the street from our house. And one kid upper deck

the toilet hell of a fucking night oh bro that's so funny when you're drunk and you're hungry nothing's stopping you dude we don't have any propane you had to grill it's such a guy thing gotta fire up the grill 3 a.m god damn it you couldn't like warrant you couldn't do it on the you couldn't do it on the stove stovetop burgers nah bro that's wild but throwing a propane tank off a second story balcony i feel like something should explode in my head you throw it it hits the ground and like you get that mushroom nuclear cloud that's what i saw but damn i bet those burgers hit hard i'm starving let's keep going

it's wild bro propane i bet they didn't even know or care that's the thing about girls any like manly thing you could steal a girl's tv and she'd be like uh all right cool as long as you don't like steal their straightener i swear to god you could steal their their bed and their straightener it's like the only two girls are like oh my god guys they're so simple and idiot like the only thing you need too is your bed and your straightener and your fucking i guess all your uh hair shit too but besides that bro free game just keep going okay ben you asked for a voice message so i will try and deliver hopefully you can hear me just fine and by the way sometimes i i do the espresso question of the week and you guys type a paragraph this long and i'm like i can't do anything with that so please leave a voice message because it's i don't

know it's just i know it's i know it's a bitch to type stuff out so that i don't and then i'm not going to read it so voice messages are the key just keep going and this might be in a couple of segments. So, 2015, I'm in college. One of my friends is getting married. Bachelorette party in Broad Ripple. Hope that never happens to me again. But, you know, in true fashion. Got drunk before we even got there. And as we're rolling down the road.

Can't wait. Can't wait. See someone walking in a literal penguin suit. And I'm not talking about a tuxedo. I mean straight up college mascot slash furry costume. Legit penguin. So I

get out of the car. The car that is still moving, yes. And convince this person to just let me try it on. Now as soon as I get it on... You got to be a totally different person when you drink because you sound so damn sweet right now. This one time...

at a bachelor party... when you're drunk. Let me try on the fucking costume! I start running down the street sprinting like this man is not getting the suit back it is mine he's sitting there and basically boxers and a t-shirt and i'm running down the street as happy as can be in a freaking penguin costume so you know i take the penguin costume for a ride we see a few bars we're hanging out we're dancing yeah i know you run into that guy again yeah pretty pretty hazy at this point

but i just remember the most glorious feeling of being on that top balcony at rock lobster you know what i'm talking about and i'm fist pumping the night away i do know what she's talking and that's when i was found and had to give back the penguin suit. But let's just say it was the 30, 45 best minutes of my night. The bride wasn't too happy. No. No, that was an interesting conversation the next morning. No, that's the shit you got to do.

That's what you have to do on a bachelorette party or a bachelor party somebody's got to go rogue and do some crazy shit dude the bachelor party was sick remember when she took the fucking penguin suit you know two questions still remain one who was this man and two why was he wearing a penguin costume it was not halloween we were nowhere near it was probably the summer you should be wearing any sort of animal costume pretty sure there wasn't a furry convention in town not entirely sure why he was wearing it if we could figure out all right but it's also broad ripple 2015 the bar is pretty low yo yeah. Yeah, you gotta be drunk.

Half the time people steal shit, they're probably drunk. There's no way you would ever do that sober. Hop off your pedal bar. Hey, can I try on your penguin suit? But the guy wearing the penguin suit, I guess it's a good, because the guy wearing the penguin suit probably wouldn't care if you stole it, you know? That was just his vibe. Let's keep going. One time I was at a Popeye's and I was drinking and smoking and we needed a

bag for our whiskey bottle. So I was trying to get their attention to give me a paper bag. And they were so busy that they ignored me. So I jumped behind the register and they acted as if like they looked like i was about to rob the place i'm like listen i just want to grab a bag and then i'm leaving and i grabbed the bag jumped back over and left i think that's fine that's fine dude that's fine i'm so glad his smoke alarm didn't go off but that that's that's the shit you do. When people are busy, just do it. And Popeyes employees are used to people jumping behind the counter.

Every video I've ever seen in my life of a Popeyes, there's a fucking guy on the counter. And I'm like, oh, God. I've never, like, I don't get embarrassed that easy because I've done some stupid shit. But every time I see a video and someone's standing on the counter at a fast food place, I'm like, oh, I can't watch. But when shit's busy like that, bro, just whatever. I don't think they cared at all. Popeyes is kind of like whatever place, too.

Just keep going. No, I think in that case, like, bro, that's helpful. Personally, I used to steal DVDs and sell them at FYE because I was a junkie. But the funniest thing I've ever heard of a friend stealing was my buddy's band did a house gig where the guy who owned the house didn't pay them. So they stole his oven racks. Where do you get oven racks? That would suck for a punishment. Didn't pay us a stole as oven racks.

Damn dog. Dude, imagine if he just walked his happy ass in his house the next day with a frozen pizza. Fuck! Where my goddamn oven? Yeah, for real how where do you you gotta go to where do you get you gotta go to lowes dude this is what you do when you you have to then he has to steal oven racks from home depot that's what i do that actually happened at my oven one time the knob broke on my oven and my mom stole one from lowes and put one on there because where the fuck are you gonna buy an oven knob just chain reaction of stealing shit

that's what i think that's what those appliances are for at lowes like hey if yours fucks up just fucking pull and plug walking out of lowes with oven racks. Oh yeah, everything's fine. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. See you next time. Yeah. That's so true. Where the hell do you buy oven racks? What are you going to do?

Call the like the place where the appliance company and ask them to send you oven racks that that would take literally a day stealing from Lowe's. Skip God. One. I hate that I'm repeating this so it happens when you type out a message bro it's all about the voice message baby

probably like the second or third sex shop i ever went to sex shop this woman working it was on the phone with somebody so i go in the back room whatever, and it looked like nobody had been in there since like 2008. Anyways, there's all this different flavor. Every sex shop feels like that. Not that I ever go. So I grab this organic kind and throw it in my pocket, grab something else and check out with that, and I get in my car, i'm driving home and i realize

that it's expired um and that's when i realized that was probably the lowest point of my life expiring organic lube stealing lube bro that is some down bad shit first of all who needs it oh my god lou no one dude lube is weird one time i got like sample lube samples like from my college because you know your colleges think they're all fucking cute and funny and they like put condoms out there like in the dorm you know and they had lube and i was like i guess i'll take some because like who knows what people are into and i still have the same lube from college it's like in my sock drawer what the fuck who uses lube bro i guess it may i guess it makes sense though because girls do girls. Why are girls so fucking thirsty? Before, during, after, not even doing anything.

Just do you have water? Can you fill up my water? Do it. Oh my God. Why are girls? Why are girls mouths always so dry? Because girls never drink any goddamn water. Just just a cup of water a day it's all we're asking that way at night your boyfriend or whatever doesn't have to get up and fill dude

the amount of times i filled up water for a girl i'm just gonna buy a a fucking a Coligan aquifer machine. That'd be the best. That's your Christmas present, bro. Don't know what to get your sweetie? Hey, Coligan, man. You know what I'm talking about? The office like, what's it called when they're like, the water jug talk or whatever.

Get your girl a water cooler for christmas that shit would slap right by her fucking bed can you get me some just point to the fucking hey call again man that'd be fire get your girl a water cooler no yeah that would probably get you in trouble no i think about it um you're a dick i don't want this fucking ugly thing by my bed fuck you and there you go there goes your relationship merry christmas to you just keep going i I've got three instances, and that was all involved drinking and other people's houses, two parties and one just random event.

First one was a flat bill Spain hat for like soccer Spain. So I took that. It had to be close to your heart forward to a house party i took a bunch of video games yeah easy uh i think three video games i just was drunk took them said you know whatever i wish you would say which games they were let me take them and then last if it was like mlb 2009 fuck off bro sleep uh but if it was like ssx tricky you got away with something bro like you might the cops might be still after you it's a beats box like not a beats pill but a beats boom box from a new year's eve party that's crazy i did it and they took it back for me and i thought it was mine that one that one i'm ashamed about yeah i just walked right out the door with it yeah a little bit of piece of shit sprinkled in there i also find this one common uh not so much

like the lawnmower but uh we found a uh we went upstairs at a uh party, and this was high school, and there was a stop sign on somebody's bed on somebody who was passed out. A stop sign, which was bigger than a 2x4. It was a thick block that was torn out of the ground and brought into somebody's house. I look forward to the podcast. Dude, guys stealing video games, normal. Boombox pill thing, you're kind of fucked up for that,

but you confessed. What's going on with guys stealing? What is the fascination? Every time a guy sees like a shiny yield sign, he's like bro i will never fucking get that every college house party you ever went to i like the guy you go to the fucking the the wrestling guy the football guys the baseball house they all had a damn stop sign on the wall. Why?

Or like a road sign. Guy's last name. Andrew Zav. Like, shut up. Who likes that? Just your boys, really. There's like 15 traffic signs in my room right now i swear to god let's keep going some fucking cheetah print and cow print fabric i mean the the thin kind to put on some freaking snapbacks and yes i got arrested for it terrible idea oh you you like you went to

joanne fabrics and stole some shit he stole some cheetah and zebra print fabric to put on snapbacks at least it's like creative damn i didn't even think about this people are gonna start telling me shit they stole from actual stores oh all right my boy creative is fuck just keep going so one time i stole a projector from an artsy fartsy party in the middle of the party and another time though i was completely blackout i have a three second memory of racking the entire contents of whatever was under their bathroom sink and then open the door and then it goes back to darkness oh my god what'd you do with all that shit dude stuff under people's sink is so weird and random if you look under my sink dude bottles of shampoo with this much in them razor blades from razors i don't even know existed anymore there's so much hair products

under my sink like to save my hair from like five years ago then i was just like fuck it transplant you just took everything from under his sink that's you probably did them a favor because damn can you come to my apartment and rack my sink oh to look under my sink and see absolutely nothing i'd be like yes that's when that's when i know my life will be in order yo but the uh people stealing projectors was a thing. Was that ever a thing at your high school? I swear every high school in the country, there was some like nerdy kid that was like and took every projector out of every room.

And the principal came on the announcement scene. He was like, this has been happening after. And after school, all dead. 16 projectors in some nerd's car. Let's keep going. Buddy of mine once stole the entire preacher curl bench in the bar with the plates from the rec building that was yeah a block away from our college house while he was absolutely hammered uh it was a sick accident in the living room for a week and a half before the local police tracked her down how did they track that shit down oh it was probably easy look for the biggest fucking meatheads in the apartment complex.

Yeah, they probably have it. The apartment with the barstool flag on the wall and the fucking 10 bottles of Tito's on top of the kitchen cabinets. They probably have the fucking preacher cool curl thing too. That is a thing in apartment complexes. Uh, pisses me off so bad, dude. If you live in an apartment and there's a weight room in it, somebody always steals the forties, forties, the perfect, the perfect dumbbell weight, forties gone. gone every every apartment gym i've ever been to the 40s are gone i'm like i can't blame them just think imagine having those in your apartment upstairs you're just like fuck yeah don't have to go downstairs

sucks but it's just survival of the fittest out here baby let's keep going so when i was younger probably 10 11 would you steal the bucks iga on the south side of indy i'm sure you know where that used to be but uh yeah i would go in there and take uh packs of baseball cards and act like i was looking at them as I walked through the store with my family. So I would break off into the back of the store and put them in my pants and just walk out with the family like nothing happened. I guess it's not too wild, but, you know, kids got to do what a kid's got to do when you got no money.

No, that's wild, though, with your family. That's some dirty shit bro anytime i ever stole anything from a store like some stupid shit i had it was a solo mission and it was always batteries or sharpies because i'm like uh sharpies are 16.99 for one i'm like dude i'm just i just need to write on the science fair board yeah that's some that's some crazy with the fam bro baseball cards kind of a cop oh my god sick cop bro kind of though that's wild but you were bold you probably steal the most shit before like uh high school i bet oh you know what i always used to steal dude i'm so damn i'll

probably get arrested for this podcast i'm so damn i'm so obvious when i'm trying to steal shit this is what i would steal i'd go to dick sporting goods which used to be galleons and i'd go like where the it was like where the basketballs were and i'd rip open packs of baller bands. That's the most me shit. Those Nike rubber bands that said like baller respect. You know, they said stupid. Those were so hard, bro. My mom wouldn't buy them for me. She was like, you don't need fucking rubber bands, Nike rubber bands. I was like, the fuck I do or The fuck I don't. I don't know which one but yeah. What else did they say? Swag. They were so tough dude. I might have had 68 of them. I was such a piece at the mall. There was a mall rat. Every time I walked in the mall.

Stealing the dumbest shit. Rubber bands, dude. But they were like incredibly expensive. Never did it with the fam, though. You wild boy. That looks long. Don't listen to it. Let's keep going.

What's the wildest shit you've ever stolen? I stole a Tamagotchi oh when i was in like sixth grade and she came knocking at my door for her tamagotchi um after school because they were very important back then. Bro, yeah. No, you're not getting away with that shit. Baseball cards? Fuck it. Beats boombox?

Take it. Propane tank? It's all yours. Atomogachi? That's my child. I'm surprised the FBI didn't knock on your door that's like taking someone's baby back then bro tamagotchis were like those were the only video games i had growing up that that was considered that was the only thing we had we had tamagotchis i sucked at it my fucking little dinosaur died in like eight minutes i was

like i don't know i was like it's too confusing there's two buttons on it dude my sister had that she might still have that shit alive my sister was so good at nurturing that damn thing dude she had a tamagotchi for 12 minutes that thing thing was already a developed ass T-Rex. I was like, thing was in Jurassic Park in like a day. I was like, damn bro. She knew all the hacks and shit. She'd make it go to sleep. Like we, she couldn't get on her Tamagotchi for like two days.

Cause she got in trouble. She'd make it go to sleep for like two days. I was like, how do you know my shit's dead the batteries are gone it's probably fucking in like a like a mini kids pool bottle like just at the bottom that's wild bro yeah you can't take a tamagotchi not on my watch just keep going when i was in college i went to a fraternity yep and they deserve it i don't care what you stole they deserve probably a dozen or more textbooks and sold them back to the university bookstore for a couple grand and i would 100 do it again no regrets see that's the difference between girls stealing shit and guys stealing

shit girls will do it with like an intent like guys aren't stealing textbooks because we're like guys think in the moment girls think long term girls steals textbooks she's like i can resell these for like a grand and who's reading textbooks the guy that you stole those from is probably like oh he probably didn't even know they were gone and you just walking around with an extra rack in your pocket guys steal shit that looks cool like yield signs girls are like i can make money off of this like tomorrow guys are like i'm gonna put this on my fucking living room wall for the boys just because it's shiny and i can pull in like you guys like the thrill of like pulling shit out of the ground girls are i'm gonna slip this into the backpack that's meant for textbooks that i'm already wearing at a party that's some baller shit i'm so i'm so i'm so i'm so i'm so motherfucking proud of you

uh skip gone skip gone no and yeah this one right here i hate that i'm telling anyone this, but a friend of mine and I went to a fraternity party back in college. They deserve it. We stole the batteries out of a gaming console hand controller for our vibrators. So there's that. Down bad. Hey, the fact that you had a vibrator in college though are you 40 and divorced or are you in college the vibrator game really took off for girls like

not in that dude if you had a vibrator in college like like go outside you don't need a vibrator if a girl walks outside in college 19 guys are like what's up how you doing my name's fucking jeremy what's good like after uh the game do you want to like fucking come on like we're having like a togo party you can't get some dick you gotta have a vibrator in college that's i'd be pissed at that oh they took our battery our batteries our batteries that's what you have them for batteries batteries they took our batteries and i'd be like oh for like their uh ceiling fan or some shit i'd be like uh it makes sense for their vibrators i'd be like god damn it stealing anybody's batteries i was kind of like i get it because batteries are

such a bitch to buy that's why i stole them because he never and they come in packs of 52. I'm like, I need one battery. I'm like, this thing could power a jet engine. I don't need 52 batteries for $64.99. That's how I understand. Pass. So when I was like 3-4 years old I stole a pack of Pocahontas printed underwear

from Kmart I stuffed it in my stroller my mom made me go back to the store with her the next day and give it back so that was embarrassing and it was underwear that sucks and then yeah I guess in college we just stole a bunch of street signs

and dumb shit one said speed hump and I put that over my bed that was really fun for a while okay that's it bye ah fuck you're my worst nightmare dude a girl with a traffic sign in her room

yo you definitely played football at recess with the boys that's wild i didn't know girls were into that stealing speed hump if i walked into a girl's room in college and she had a speed hump sign above her bed i'd be like see you later alligator uh what was the first thing she stole oh pocahontas i know when i was a kid i stole m&ms like you know the checkout line my mom would never let me i you know when you're a kid and you're in the checkout line with your mom at

like a store and you're just looking at that candy and you're like. Spitting, drooling on the ground and shit. My mom never let me have the candy. And one day I got the M&M's package and I squeeze. I didn't even open the package. I didn't even steal the package. I squeezed an M&M through the plastic and put it in my mouth. Like a so fucking obvious through the package. One M&M through the plastic and put it in my mouth. Like a so fucking obvious through

the package. One M&M put in my mouth. Never. I still feel guilty. Dude, I took a nap and I got home because I felt like it was going to reset my life. You ever take a nap and hope your life changes when you wake up, but it's 10 times worse. That's what I did. And when I woke up, I heard cops like a cop siren outside. I was like, I was like, what are you crying about? And I just had to like keep lying about shit because I didn't want to confess. I stole one

peanut M&M. Shit was fire though. Moral of the story by some candy for your little piece of shit kid skip god weirdly uh jimmy johns was my favorite place to steal from in college the chips several times would steal the chips yeah i don't know the chips are probably like a dollar they deserve it jimmy johns is annoying would always steal them would never pay for them and then just to add insult to injury i also decided to steal the signs on their bathrooms so they were these like oh i know them cans that had um a man and woman figure on them obviously and i just really wanted

them so i ripped them both off of the doors and i brought them back to my house and put them on the bathrooms in my house so sorry jimmy johns of oxford ohio um i probably owe you guys a lot of money yeah jimmy johns signs are their sign game is like a1 that voice message i don't like Jimmy John's, but that made me want Jimmy John's. That bread. Fuck, Jimmy John's is fire. They deserve it, dude. Subway, too. One time I stole a bag of chips at Subway, and my stupid ass, I stole it at the beginning of, you know, you go to Subway,

and you pick your bread, then all your other shit. I stole it first. So I put it in sweatshirt pocket right here a bag of baked lays i stole baked lays i didn't even steal a cool i didn't even steal cheetos or barbecue late i stole baked lays they probably given those away anyway put in my hooded sweatshirt pocket got my in the whole time i was ordering my sub my crinkly yeah i'll take italian herbs and cheese turkey lettuce to make he's probably like bro just pay for him i might as well just fucking eat eat like ate the chips while i was ordering it was so obvious dude eat like ate the chips while I was ordering. It was so obvious, dude. Nah, but I'm glad you didn't steal the Jimmy John's cookies because those are ass. Jimmy John's cookies, dude. Everybody knows it. If you like Jimmy John's cookies, what are you doing?

Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A fast food cookies. Actually, it goes Subway, Chick-fil-a chick-fil-a fast food cookies actually sub it goes subway chick-fil-a mcdonald's sucks never had burger king they're so like they're so normal um uh jersey mike's subway damn all the sub shops have fire ass cookies subway subway chick-fil-a jersey mike's and there's one more that's like fuck they have cookies can't think of it right now let's keep going i once stole the caps off of all of the condiments in this one dude's fridge. Oh. Just because I could. And that's the only thing guys have in their refrigerator is condiments.

You know he didn't care, dude. He probably moved and took all the condiments with him with their caps off yeah put saran wrap and a rubber band on the top because some bitch took all the caps he didn't even do anything he probably deserved it yeah i think i'd be like damn i gotta deal with it you know i'm not gonna go and buy all new condiments. That's like $78. Dude, off of a fresh, like, dude, if somebody took the cap off of a fresh ketchup bottle and threw it away, I'd be like, just take it day by day. Take a deep breath. Everything's going to be okay. Why is it? Why is buying condiments such like a, Oh my God, I need mustard. Cause you forget four times before I actually actually

buy it. I needed mustard for two and a half years. I just forgot every time I went to the store. I was like, every time I got home, mustard, We all live the same life. Just keep going. One of my favorite things to do when I hook up with someone and the sex is terrible and I don't come is I will steal something from them.

These items have included a super sick Lakers starter jacket. Oh my God. To the batteries out of his Roku remote. That hurts bro.

Like as a guy deep down, you know, when the sex wasn't good, you don't really want to admit it, but like it might hit you a couple days later. You're like, ooh, that was trash. And then he goes home and his jacket's gone what a horrible ass day and he can't watch tv he's like oh i gotta get this out of my head i'm freezing cold just had the worst sex of my life let's sit down and tv fucking doesn't work at all never talking to you again let's keep going i went to a frat party in frat parties and when i was leaving i went through their kitchen yep and i stole all of their protein powders

oh i walked out of there with like eight of them. I think they deserve it. Dude, frat houses deserve everything. Something is happening at frat houses that I don't like. And I don't know what it is, but like it's not okay. It just doesn't seem like all those dudes should live in the same house with nothing going wrong. Like, dude dude that's your that's the tax you pay frat boys people just get to steal shit if you host a party every weekend

like you're getting got it's part of the deal just keep going a couple more yo so the craziest thing i ever stole honestly i't steal, but my best friend stole it. So we're drunk at the gas station buying some snacks, you know? And you know how sometimes you go to a gas station and they'll have like those little mini fridges where they sell Red Bull out of? Yeah. So on top of the mini Red Bull fridge, they had this giant plastic bowl, the Red Bull logo. And when the cashier looked down and grabbed my chain, my friend goes over to the Red Bull fridge, breaks the giant plastic Red Bull logo off the fridge, stuffs it down his pants,

walks out the door. Cashier had absolutely no idea what happened. Came back the next day, asked the cashier what happened to the fridge. And he said, I don't know. We just came in this morning and it was gone. So they got away with murder. Also, Nikki Glazers is way hotter than any of those other chicks on that show. Dude, this fucking guy.

I wonder how they got away after they stole that Red Bull sign. It must have given them wings. Oh, shit. That was a great voice message. Yeah, I don't know what the... It's something about stealing energy drink shit, too, because their packaging is so nice. You know what I've always wanted to steal, Loki? It's like about stealing like energy drink shit too, because their packaging is so nice. You know, if I always wanted to steal low key is like a, like a, like a rug, like, you know,

you walk out of like Walgreens and there's a Walgreens rug by the door. How fucking sick would that be? Like by like in your house? Well, not right now for me. Yeah. Because I'm an eighth grader, but like your college frat house has a fucking CVS rug out front. I'd be like, but there's some nice ass rugs like a designer store. What if you cop the rug? Sick cop, bro.

I've always kind of wanted to deep down. Never did. Cause like you got to roll it up, you know, rolling up. It's going to take a. Never did. Because like you got to roll it up, you know, rolling up. It's going to take a lot of time. Cameras are pregnancy. Just keep going.

In high school, I went to a party around Christmas time and I stole their entire Christmas tree. Just stole the whole thing. They had no idea. Obviously, they found out when there was no Christmas tree, but they didn't know it was me. That's fucking wild it might have been kind of nice because like you feel bad like you you're never just gonna go get another christmas tree you know you're never like ah the old one i don't want me to update our christmas tree you might have done them a favor they're like thank god because every you know people hang ornaments on trees and they're like

ornaments from like 1983 christmas start fresh babe i wonder what he did with the tree though did he put it in his house that's some shit I'd do. I'd take a Christmas tree from somebody's house, but then like on the way home, I'd like throw it off of a highway. There's a fucking fully decorated Christmas tree in the middle of a fucking highway.

I'd be like, yes. Last one. Okay. Well, this is really weird but good it's not necessarily a thing but it's more so the act of stealing that i used to do so i would wait until my neighbors were out of town and i knew how to break into their house and because my parents were so strict about letting me have candy i would as soon as i saw the neighbors pull out of their their house i would go in and steal airheads and then i would just casually walk around their house eating the airheads that i stole yo what the fuck that might be the weirdest one. You broke in their house? For the record, I was only about seven,

which I don't know if that makes it creepier or not. That's weirder. But it's not like I'm out here doing this as a full-blown adult. That laugh sounded like, i do it every day dude if i came home from my house and i saw a seven-year-old in my kitchen eating airheads i would a thousand percent move out of the neighborhood the next day i'd rather see an adult in my house eating airheads and be like what are you doing than a kid how'd you get in here you pick the locks with your dumb ass oh fucked up teeth and shit oh how do i get in here seven blue fucking mouth and tongue i'd be like ah it'd be the scariest fucking thing i've ever seen in my life

hi you know they do kids just act haunted when they're in trouble to they're like you know, and then they start crying. I'd be like the next day bro moving out exorcism in the house exit that'd be a can you imagine that? Why is your house need to be exercise exercised is that a word why does your house need that need an exorcism because there's a kid with a blue

mouth crying on my couch i'd be like okay yeah yeah we'll get fucking father mark in there tomorrow that's fucking terrifying all for airheads i would it too. That mystery airhead fucking slaps. I'd probably break into somebody's house for like a... Because they sell... Oh, airheads are fucking... Airheads are very underrated. So I totally get that. It's part of the deal.

Hey! It's the Espresso Podcast. Thanks for listening. I'm your host and aunt, Polizzi hey remember to come to the show in Detroit that shit's about to be sassy it's gonna be a good time Detroit House of Comedy December 22nd grab your tix in the description under the podcast and uh yeah join patreon get your merch at Benedict Merch and listen to these guys with me and Joey.

I'll talk to you next week. All right, fam. See you next time. Love you. I'm for real. I love you guys. No, don't turn this off yet. I love you guys.

For real. Thanks for listening, dude. I really fuck with you guys. I could send in the voice messages after you type the long thing out like it means a lot and you guys need to go all need to go to jail for all that shit. See you next time.