Espresso - worst accidental text

Episode Date: September 30, 2021

🔒 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗰𝗹𝘂𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝗰𝗮𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙠 (𝗼𝗻�...���𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗺) https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ♦️ 𝗦𝘂𝗯𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 🔹 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙚 & 𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬 ;) on this episode Ben answers the Espresso Question of the week: what's the worst accidental text you've ever sent? like sending a video to your dad of you doing coke off of a record player... Ben relives choking on a bagel for the 800th time, he tells us about his nose sounding like a semi-truck horn, comes up with new IPA names and realizes how LoUd Beyonce is 🔸𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗝𝗢𝗛𝗡𝗦𝗢𝗡: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

Transcript
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Starting point is 00:00:00 You are listening to the Espresso Podcast. Shot one set. Open your gather books to the Espresso Podcast. Shot 177. Amen. Imagine if you just started listening to this podcast. What the hell? Shot 177.
Starting point is 00:00:26 Okay. Okay. Yeah. I like this. Yeah. I like this little beat right here you got going on. Yeah. Turn that up a little bit. Oh, okay. I like that. Turn me up. Turn me up. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:00:41 Uh. Yeah. This little noise reminds me of when I put my finger in my mouth And did that little pop thing on my cheek I'll never forget the day when I learned that Since fifth grade I was poppin' all night, poppin' all day Poppin' my finger in my cheek, my day was made, yeah I was poppin' at the crib, I was poppin' at the mall
Starting point is 00:01:10 See how I live, poppin' at the crib, yeah Poppin' at the crib, okay My mom got mad at me when I was poppin' my cheeks at the crib, yeah This thing right here, you know what I'm talkin' about? Yeah When I was poppin' my cheeks at the crib, yeah This thing right here, you know what I'm talkin' about? Yeah Poppin' so much, a player should be paid, yeah Poppin' my cheeks, yeah What's up?
Starting point is 00:01:39 Espresso Podcast, Shot 177 I'm your host, Ben Polizzi. What's good? How we doing, y'all? Bro, I just found some, uh, I just found bagels in the break room. That's the most office shit I've ever said in my life. But I walked up here all fucking... And I was choking on food from Starbucks because I eat so fucking...
Starting point is 00:02:03 I eat... I eat... I eat, I eat, I eat everything in seven seconds and I never think it's going to like affect me. And I ate one of those little like peanut butter and jelly boxes from Starbucks. Why doesn't Starbucks just have peanut butter and jelly? Why doesn't every place just have peanut butter and jelly on deck? Every store should just have peanut butter and jelly One time I went into Whole Foods and they had a peanut butter and jelly And I have no idea how it got there I look for it
Starting point is 00:02:32 Every time I go to Whole Foods I just look for the peanut butter and jelly Then I leave It's never there 30 times, just me Like if they looked at their security camera I'd be like Every time
Starting point is 00:02:42 30 times But they have a little Peanut butter and jelly box At Starbucks And I ate all the carrots And apples and shit first Cause I was like Let me get that out of the way
Starting point is 00:02:52 That's how I do everything I'm like Best for last Fuck Best for last So I just slammed Like a bunch of carrots And apples
Starting point is 00:03:03 I didn't even like And I was walking in here And I was in the elevator And I was like like if somebody got in the elevator with me they would have been like I think he's gonna die I'd like sweat running down my face and shit like I couldn't even talk I was in the elevator like almost dying like dizzy as fuck sweaty back almost died for the seventh time Because he ate some shit too fast In my car Bro I swear to god I've almost died three times
Starting point is 00:03:32 From a fucking muffin But yeah that's what just happened And I like rushed to the sink To get a drink And I look to my left and there's a bag of everything bagels Everything Everything bagels. Everything. Everything Bagels are off the chain, dude. You know why they call them everything, right?
Starting point is 00:03:54 Because that's what you got to clean up when you're done eating them. Everything. Everything. Oh, God. This guy. I think Blueberry's a close second. If we're ranking bagels right now. Are we a rank podcast?
Starting point is 00:04:10 But no, that cinnamon sugar joint is low-key fire. That's not even a bagel, bro. That cinnamon, like, swirl bagel with, like, the crunchy shit on top. When people get that, I'm like, you just ate a fucking Cinnabon. You ate a Cinnabon at your desk. You bitch. Alright, what's up, man? What was the question? Okay. Espresso.
Starting point is 00:04:31 Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week. Week. Week. Espresso question of the week. I ask a question every Sunday night or like on the weekend on Instagram. And then you guys reply With a voice message We gotta do voice messages bro
Starting point is 00:04:50 It changes the game It makes the podcast so much better So if you hit me with the Normal text response You're done So Yeah The espresso question of the week was,
Starting point is 00:05:06 what was the worst accidental text you sent to somebody? I told you guys mine. We were having, like, a guy's night. Oh, it was so funny. It wasn't even, like, a guy's night. It was, like, four guys. We were just playing video games. We just didn't want to, like, it was just a video game night game night and like when i always feel so bad when girls are around and video games
Starting point is 00:05:29 are on bro i can't i can't like when when my friends are playing video games and there's girls over i'm like okay i guess i'm like the fucking circus clown of the night entertaining the girls because there's dude i i hate that. It makes me uncomfortable. I'm like, I can't fuck, but there's a girl over and we were like playing video games and it was like, one of my friends just called her and she came over and it was like, Whoa, wait, what? I didn't know we were doing this. And she was like, I was like, Oh, she's probably dropping something off. Like who knows? She'll probably leave in like a second, but she kept like staying and kept chilling. She got like super right when somebody, whenever somebody sits down, you're like, fuck, that's
Starting point is 00:06:09 15 minutes. Dude, my dad told me he, uh, he had an office. My dad's so fucking socially awkward, dude. It's so funny. But he had an office in a building and people would come in his door and fucking, Hey, Joe, say, do you think, uh, and my dad's in his head is like, Holy fucking shit. My dad can't talk to anybody, bro. But he had like, like six chairs in his office that he couldn't like, he couldn't like do anything with them. So he just put shit on all the chairs so nobody could come in and sit
Starting point is 00:06:43 down and talk to him. Dude, I can't even imagine this motherfucker's office. It probably looks like a prison cell. But there's six chairs and it would just books on every chair so nobody sat down and talked to him. That's the funniest shit I hate when you're talking to somebody or you're about to leave and someone sits down next to you. You're like, can't you tell? Oh, shit, when somebody sits down. 20 minutes added to this conversation that you didn't want to be in in the first place.
Starting point is 00:07:21 That guy's a walking 15 minutes. My dad always says that shit. You see him at the game? Good for you. I'm glad you missed him. That guy's a walking two hours. Just because he talks for two hours. Dude, I hate when people can't, like, don't realize
Starting point is 00:07:37 that it's done. That's why I don't talk to anybody. Because I'm like, they don't want to talk. They don't want to talk. Every single person I see What's up dude Alright man hey I'll see Alright dude I just never break stride If you break stride for one second you're fucked
Starting point is 00:07:55 15 minutes of nothing I'll say something stupid too Whenever it's like one of those street conversations I always say something so dumb And I'm like fuck they probably expect me to be funny right now I say something so unfunny I'm like god damn it I say that how's the shows been going no good just surrounding the Midwest Midwest people love to laugh and I'm like what the fuck did I what? See it, bro Or I'll like at the end. I'll like combine two words Instead of like I'll be like I wanted to say like bro, but like dude came out. I'm like see a booed fuck
Starting point is 00:08:41 Every fucking time I mean All right, so worst accidental text you've ever seen Okay yeah and this girl was just like chilling When we were playing video games for way too long Like it was like We were like even talking about Like more guy shit so she would leave Somebody might have even farted
Starting point is 00:09:00 That's the The ladies you gotta leave alarm is when a guy farts. Like, isn't that so obvious? Every time a guy farts, it's like, okay, why is there any girls here anymore? Anytime a guy fucking shreds ass when there's girls around, I'm like... Why is that the most awkward situation of all time? I'd rather have somebody get in in a fight like a verbal breakup in front of me than someone fart dude we are all at this this uh like someone's someone was house
Starting point is 00:09:33 sitting and they had a pool so we're just over there for like a week and it was like four girls like five dudes and we were all just like by the pool just like just like having a free pool like to like lay out every day. Like it was just so nice. And everybody's over there. And this dude just kept fucking dude. And like, everyone was laughing, but I was like, I don't know, bro. I don't even know if that's funny. Honestly, like it's crazy. Just like, like this motherfucker this motherfucker, he was shredding. Like no holding back farts. And they were powerful, dude.
Starting point is 00:10:12 I was like, how? Like to not give a fuck that much. Oh, my God. I could never, man. Four girls there just fucking like on them and shit. I was like, the farts were just like soundboard farts you know i mean like i'm not gonna play damn that i kind of want to know i can every time i'm trying to find a fart on the internet
Starting point is 00:10:36 fart every time i'm trying to find a fart on the internet, I'm like, it's just never the right one. You know what I mean? Like there's like, there's specific, you know what I'm talking about? Oh my God. Hit for copyright. But, um, dude, this dude was just shredding. Just, I can't even do, I used to be able to kill that noise by the way but he was going off and it was like very uncomfortable but I don't know I have no idea what I'm talking about god damn it see it's like always that kind of farm it's just like no it's not realistic
Starting point is 00:11:27 come on give me one more swing okay that was kind of good but they were long and hard and powerful and i was just like is this fate like i i felt like it was a dream you know when you dream something weird like that and you're like i'm glad that didn't happen in real life it's not crazy it wasn't like a nightmare but i'm'm glad that didn't happen in real life It's not crazy It wasn't like a nightmare But I'm glad that shit didn't happen in real life That happened Anyway this girl was over We were playing video games
Starting point is 00:11:51 Somebody even farted She kept sticking around She stayed through the fart So I was like She's never gonna leave And I text my friend And invited her over for a little bit I was like yo
Starting point is 00:12:00 When the fuck is Caitlyn leaving? Cause she was kind of being annoying too And I sent it right to her And I was like, yo, when the fuck is Caitlyn leaving? Because she was kind of being annoying, too. And I sent it right to her. And I was like, she goes, she looked. I didn't even know I sent it to her. I was just like, I think I sent it to my friend who I thought was the dude I sent it to. I put my phone in my pocket and I was just like chilling. Caitlyn looks at me.
Starting point is 00:12:20 She goes, Ben, what the hell? And I was like then i'm just like no but uh yeah i don't know she was cool enough to like let it just pass but like i've never done that bad of one. Luckily, she was cool with it, but... Let's get into it. What's the worst accidental text you've ever sent? I'm not prepared. If I have to sign it in Instagram, I swear to God.
Starting point is 00:13:00 I swat to God. Here we go, here we go. Let's set it off right. My boy Liam up in here. Liam Pin Liam Pinero worst accidental text you've ever sent Hey Ben, it's Liam Pinero from 16-bit with the dog joke anyway, dude. This is so fucked up This only happened like two months ago. You know, you send your friends stupid shit all time and like stupid pictures Well, I was taking a shit one day, which I do naked minus the socks Which is important and i was
Starting point is 00:13:25 looking at my socks and i was like dude these socks are so jacked up it's not even funny so i was texting my friend anyway so i had my foot up on like the front of the toilet kind of like how you stand like a complete psycho and i took a picture of the sock with like my whole big toe out and i was like dude you think it's time for a new pair of socks haul and i sent it and dude after i sent it i clicked on it and i realized my dick like like in the toilet dude you believe that shit so i sent my friend a dick pic and i panicked and i like i called him after to try to distract him i sent him like 15 different like yep so i sent my friend a dick dick i think he might have liked it dude i always think that i always think that like when i'm on face like
Starting point is 00:14:12 when i'm on facetime or something and like you're facetiming so i always forget i'm on facetime and i start like digging in my ass and shit pick i did that during this this podcast i watched the last YouTube podcast And I was just like looking at myself the whole time Trying to find like a screenshot or something That I could use And like I literally I can't remember where it is
Starting point is 00:14:34 But I picked my nose, looked at it And then just like wiped it on something And I'll probably do that 17 times But sending an accidental dick pic When you're trying to send a picture Of your shitty socks, bro. What a fucking move. Oh my god, dude.
Starting point is 00:14:53 Try to distract him, too. That shit is funny. God damn it. I'm going crazy, crazy, crazy. Okay. Worst accidental dick pic. Let's get one more open here. Not one more.
Starting point is 00:15:10 Maybe like seven. Oh, Jeff Toy. Jeff Toy. Comedian from Louisville. Worst accidental text you've ever sent. Love this dude. Yeah, the worst text message experience I've ever had was when I was a young boy and texting still cost minutes, you know, cost time, cost money. I was trying to get this girl from church on a date with me.
Starting point is 00:15:37 Get this girl. And I was just texting along. I was like, you and me will go good. You know, we'll go good together. There was a lot of me's you know me you but when i sent the text i didn't get a reply from her and so i reread over my message and all my me's were misters so it'd be like you and mister will go great together uh very creepy all right love you You and mister will go great together Very creepy Alright love ya
Starting point is 00:16:06 He just kept referring to himself as fucking mister That's like weird Dude you can't say anything else about yourself Or refer to yourself any other way And have it be more creepy than Mr. Oh, dude. Unless it's Master. Same thing.
Starting point is 00:16:37 We should go out sometime. Oh, yeah? Yeah, you and Mr. Applebee's. Seven o'clock. See you there. Curbside to go. Bro. Devin.
Starting point is 00:16:51 That was good. Devin McLaughlin. Sarah McLaughlin. Worst accidental text you've ever sent. So we were at my friend's house all drinking, doing some drugs, and we were gonna do lines off of a record player, a moving record player, to see what it looked like on video, see if we can actually get the line while it was moving, etc. And took an awesome video of my buddy clearing this line right off the record and immediately went to send it to him and somehow had selected my dad
Starting point is 00:17:35 that was awkward and he sent back at least it wasn't you oh Oh my god, that doesn't happen more, dude. That shit is so funny. What was going on at the beginning of this fucking voice memo, though? This motherfucker had a whole everything bagel in his throat. So, we were... Shut the fuck up! No way. Me after I drink a glass of milk.
Starting point is 00:18:10 So, we were... Oh, shit. That's fried, though, dude. On a record player? What is happening? Right to old mister. Right to your dad. I fucked up and sent some shit to my dad one time It was so weird
Starting point is 00:18:28 Dude it's so My dad fucks up and sends me shit sometimes I'm like My dad will text me seven times throughout the day Just say sup I'm like You just texted me the same shit one fucking hour ago I'm not doing anything else
Starting point is 00:18:43 Working on stuff seven times in the day. Working on stuff. Sup B. Working on stuff. I think he sends the same ones to my sisters. Sup A. My fucking sister's name is Amory. My dad just calls us by our first letters of our names. How easy, though. Other sister's name is Tony. Sup, T. One time my dad sent me sup, T, and I was like, you motherfucker. This is like a scheduled thing you got going on here.
Starting point is 00:19:17 Fucking send a sup A, a sup B, and a sup T out all at 8 a.m., noon, 2 p.m., 3 p.m., 4 p.m., 5 p.m., 6 p.m. Okay, mister. But one time I was like, I was a senior in high school and I was going to, I was going to like this cookout or some shit. And I was like, oh, this is kind of like, and it was like, it was kind of cool. Like it was like oh this is kind of like and it was like it was kind of cool like it was like sense of when it was kind of like it was like the last day it was like one of the last days of school we're all seniors somebody had a house right by the high school and like their parents were down they're just like throwing a party it wasn't like a fucked up like drunk party it was just like a normal party but my dad my dad was still like hey watch it hey no you haven't graduated yet keep your shit to
Starting point is 00:20:06 you know he was just being all up and I didn't ever like cuss around my dad until like last year still kind of weird too and he would just ask me random ass questions because he'd be on my shit while I was at the party and he he was like, what's up? What's up, B? Of course. And I was like, nothing, just eating some food at this party. Like, fuck, my dad's probably going to come pick me up because he's mad that I'm here. And he goes, what are they having? And I was just not paying attention.
Starting point is 00:20:37 I texted him because I was just talking to someone else, and I just go, hot dogs and shit. So after not cussing ever in front of my dad he just gets a text as hot dogs and shit and he was like i don't know what he said after that but i was like my friend took my phone and like he didn't know that your name in there he thought he's so like i'm sorry but yeah it was all it was all fucked up hot dogs and shit hot dogs and shit let's do a couple more baby see there's some good ass long like messages in here man make them voice messages because it just hits better you know it hits so much better
Starting point is 00:21:19 wait a minute did i just see one? I don't care Somebody commented under one of my posts Like yo I sent a I sent a voice memo on your podcast And I spilled my whole heart out And you just left it on red Like bro I'm going through these shits quick So I'm sorry about that But I'll get you next time
Starting point is 00:21:42 Whoever that guy was I'm sorry. I love you. Okay, here we go. B Trask, what's the worst accidental text you've ever sent? So, the worst text message I've ever sent actually was quite recently. My next door neighbor texted me asking if I had any chili powder I could spare because she was making chili um is this a big bad wolf i checked didn't have any you know she responded okay thank you for checking and i went to choose some sort of you know stupid gift to
Starting point is 00:22:21 respond with and instead of picking something you know that a gift to respond with. And instead of picking something, you know, that a normal person would choose, I accidentally chose the one of the girl farting in the hot tub. So, yeah, that sucked. Next time you see your neighbor. You like farts, right? I just didn't know and I thought never mind bye see you later booed that's what i do here we go we'll do a couple more nia goss 666 going to hell but okay
Starting point is 00:22:57 my most embarrassing text i've ever sent to a friend has got to be when I was dating this girl and she was out in Asia for like three months and we kept sending like dirty pics and videos to each other and she had sent me one so I decided to
Starting point is 00:23:21 send her one back and I was in the process of making the video and finished up. Finished up. I didn't realize that I had sent this like six or eight, maybe ten minute video to my best friend instead of my girlfriend. And yeah, that was pretty embarrassing bro it was definitely a bit of him jerking it 10 minutes you fucking crazy ass who's watching that Who's watching that?
Starting point is 00:24:07 Holy shit, who's watching that? That fucking poor girl in Asia. God damn it, 10 minutes? Who the fuck is... Who watches that, bro? If she didn't skip through to like 9.50, you guys should stay together forever. Holy shit. Oh my god.
Starting point is 00:24:29 10 minute vid. Here we go. Oh shit, shit, shit. Doc bets. Worst accidental text you ever sent. I was in college and I was doing a group project with this guy. And I somehow accidentally copied and pasted the text that I sent my boyfriend which was I love you to this guy and the most awkward part about it is he replied I love you too
Starting point is 00:24:56 and I had to be like I wasn't meant for you oh shit I don't know i think it would have been more awkward if he didn't say it back i love you he's just like fuck you well that was cute as fuck compared to the 10 minute jack off story jafar antonio i'm i'm honestly scared of this one worst text you've ever accidental text you've ever sent Jafar his name's fucking Jafar bro this is about to be crazy here we go yo I got a fucking good
Starting point is 00:25:34 one for the text message thing my one of my bros sent me a story from a girl that she was like showing her ass and whatever and I was I was mad drunk so instead of texting back my bro i replied to her yeah and i texted something on the lines of damn that hoe was sexy as fuck and she got it she blocked me everywhere right to her ass you ever get those
Starting point is 00:26:04 holy shit dude i've done that before you think you're responding to the person who sent it to you but you're fucking going right to the person's story right to them right to the inbox damn that was sexy as fuck oh shit i did some shit like that on Twitter I thought I was sending a tweet Like sometimes I DM people tweets And like say something fucked up under it Because I don't want to tweet it obviously And I put it right onto Twitter
Starting point is 00:26:34 It was like about probably one of my fucking best friends That I was making fun of on Twitter Like a coach I actually know exactly who it was And I was like he's fucked up for that right on the Twitter oh shit that hoes sexy as fuck I gotta hear that I gotta hear him say that again oh I got a texting back my bro I replied to her and I texted something from on the lines of damn damn, that hoe is sexy as fuck. And she...
Starting point is 00:27:06 Who says that, though? Even their bro. Damn, that hoe is sexy as fuck. Oh, shit. Oh, Jafar. Hell yeah, dog. That was a good... You guys killed that shit.
Starting point is 00:27:23 Thank you. Thank you, Spress. Spress hoes. Spress gang. That was the Espresso quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week. Now let's go
Starting point is 00:27:37 viral. Viral's a segment where I take The most popular hashtags on the internet And just talk about them But first Remember the Espresso podcast is brought to you by Wave 1 Media If you want to start your own show Visit thewave1.com
Starting point is 00:28:05 Viral If you want to start your own show, visit TheWave1.com. V-V-V-V-Viral. Hashtag. Shut up. Did I not do this? Oh, no. Oh, my God. This is from last week. I'm tripping right now. Okay. Okay. Holy shit. Hashtag. I wish I knew this when I was younger. Hashtag. I wish I knew this when I was younger I have written down everything gives you wrinkles I have no fucking idea
Starting point is 00:28:48 Oh maybe I should have done that when I was younger Bro I never put on sunscreen one time in my life I don't know why the fuck I think Every time I'm like I don't even care It's so fucking stupid Every time I go to any beach I could literally I could go to fucking Phoenix, Arizona
Starting point is 00:29:04 And stand on a skyscraper. I'd be like, donate it. I never put it on, bro. And I get so burnt. Dude, my fucking crow's feet. I had crow's feet when I was like six. I walked into kindergarten with fucking baseball glove face. Dude, somebody, somebody fucking commented that on one of my goddamn pictures.
Starting point is 00:29:26 I was so proud of this picture. You know, when you post a picture on, on Instagram, well, this is honestly, this is, this is what I do anyway. I have like seven. Okay. Every time I want to post a picture on Instagram, I take a video of myself like doing shit. And then I take screenshots of the best like frames and I took like seven screenshots and I send them all to like one of my friends and I'm like dude pick one cuz I can't pick pictures like I'm so bad at that I have no idea when I look good if I were to pick the picture that I thought looked the best it'd be the most fucked up ugly one where I'd be like but I don't know it's weird but I sent that and I in like, but I don't know. It's weird. But I sent
Starting point is 00:30:06 that and I, and like, I think I sent it to my sister cause they know they like, they get it. And I'm like, yo, which one? She like, she thumbed up one of them out of the seven. I was like, thank God I don't have to decide on anything. That's the one fucking posting it. Let's go. That was the one I kind of liked too. So it felt good. I was like, let's go. We've got a pick, got a good fucking pick out. I had like a new shirt on. No, I had new shorts on too. It was like polka dot shorts. It was kind of fucking whack, but I posted it and I was hype and the comments were funny and shit and some dude just goes, yo, there's my old baseball mitt.
Starting point is 00:30:51 And I think about it every day. But I don't know, bro. I've just never... I kind of don't think it matters or something to put sunscreen on or like... I wish I had... I wish I had like some lotion I put on my face or something before bed but i do the farthest i go is just putting on fucking hand lotion like i put hand like i have
Starting point is 00:31:14 hand lotion i put on my face and i never do that shit before bed and i'm gonna be the wrinkliest motherfucker ever dude jesus christ bro my crows feet are popping right now I need to sleep like this and stretch these bitches out my shit is my shit looks like two rakes oh my god I've got cartoon crows feet hashtag to me time is. No, I don't want to do that one. Hashtag what people learn from kids. I honestly hate being around kids now, man. I like messing with kids because they're funny and cool and shit,
Starting point is 00:32:01 but they do not, like, can't blame them, but they do not know when to fucking stop. It sucks. And I don't either. For some reason, I'm around my little cousins and shit, but they do not, like, can't blame them, but they do not know when to fucking stop. It sucks. And I don't either. For some reason, I'm like, I'm around my little cousins and shit. And like, they have to leave or something with their, I never, I'm never like, Hey, you gotta go. I just can't be that guy. So I'm always like fucking around with them until like forever. And they're like late and their parents are pissed and it's all my fault. I'm like, whoops. I don't know. I can't be that like stiff ass like cousin that's like no I can't yell at kids bro I feel so stupid I think it's because I got yelled at as a kid all my fucking life so I was like I hate that guy but uh dude what I learned what is it what
Starting point is 00:32:38 people learn from kids god I'm dumb as fuck that's what I learned every time I talk to like a girl that's in like sixth grade that's my cousin or just Like some weird instance They make me feel I'm like how are you this smart Dude girls in like Grade school and shit Are way smarter than I'll ever be
Starting point is 00:32:57 How do they know They know fucking everything They know all the slang My little cousin was like Looking through all my TikToks and shit. And she like knew everything. She's like, don't listen to that part. Or she like knew all the like trends and stuff. I was like, bro, you are insane.
Starting point is 00:33:16 Make you feel so fucking dumb. I'm intimidated when I talk to like my cousin that's a girl and in seventh grade. I'm like, stay away from me, bro. You know, way more. Make me feel so goddamn dumb. You don't know what. Why'd you. Oh, dude, this happened the other day at work.
Starting point is 00:33:34 Wasn't a fucking. It was a girl that was like. I don't know. She just works at the Eagle with me. And we were. Oh, shit. I said that. She works at the restaurant with me and we were uh oh shit i said that i'm not she works at the restaurant with me
Starting point is 00:33:53 and dude i get so like awkward when it comes to like spelling and shit and we were all getting coffee from starbucks and i was like in like their order ahead wasn't available so we had to write down our order and i was like uh i was just writing everybody's shit down and she was like or she was like give me a quad shot of espresso with pumpkin and with pumpkin sauce and pumpkin sweet cream and I spelled pumpkin p-u-m-p-k-i-n and she's like why did you put an m in pumpkin and I was like holy fuck I've been fucking that up all my life it's p- U N it's P U N. I thought it was pumpkin for like six minutes. And then I Googled it on my phone. I was like, is it, I literally had to Google that shit. And then I was like, Hey, it's is an M like went up to her. Like I was like eight. I was like, it is an M duh pumpkin. like eight. I was like, it is an M. Duh. Pumpkin. And then I spelled sweet cream. I spelled sweet because I was like in a hurry. And you know what? Like the pen sucked. I was like,
Starting point is 00:34:51 I don't want to fucking. When the pen sucks, I suck, bro. Sweet cream. I spelled cream C-R-E-M-E. Like imagine writing a bunch of shit down when people are watching. That sucks. I don't know how to spell anything if someone's watching me. I don't even spell... No, I spell my goddamn name. I'm like B-E-N-N-N-N. What's up?
Starting point is 00:35:18 Yeah, that's good. That's how I spell it. C-R-E-M-E for cream, though. I was like, I think that's how they spell it Like that's how they spell it Cause it's like a French thing Fucked it all up Pun can creme
Starting point is 00:35:33 Calm down a song Hashtag calm down a song Literally bro I've been thinking about that take somebody had it was like what's your i forget what the question was what's uh what's the hill you'll die on and some guy was like beyonce songs aren't like good enough to break up destiny's child beyonce solo Beyonce solo songs. Calm down a song. All Beyonce's. Dude, Beyonce is fire, but she is loud as fuck. Every time there's a Beyonce song in my car, I'm like, oh!
Starting point is 00:36:21 Jesus Christ. Oh my God, they're so loud, bro. Every Beyonce song, I'm like, can we take it down to 48 decibels? It's not a Beyonce song, but you know what I'm talking about. Jesus Christ, dude. They should just play Beyonce. Ambulances should just play Beyonce songs. Everybody would shut the fuck up and get out of the way. Oh!
Starting point is 00:36:52 Dude, she is loud on her songs. Bianca. My dad fucking called her Bianche one time. I was like... My dad acts like he doesn't know any celebrities names so fucking stupid we did this that we me and him broadcasted games one time and we did this thing where it was like we did like one of his favorite musicians against like one of mine I can't believe I just said musicians, but he picked like, uh, the, the band that sings that song. That's like Barracuda. Of course my dad fucking picked that
Starting point is 00:37:33 song. I can't wait to hear a what Barracuda song. Barracuda. That's my dad's favorite fucking, uh, barracuda that's my dad's favorite fucking uh band of all is so annoying barracuda song what is it who sings this heart oh my god of course dude i want to play this song so bad it's so like a song my dad would like but it was against beyonce and he was like announcing the fucking uh little little music off we were doing and he was like hard against beyonce i was like announcing the fucking little music off we were doing. And he was like, hard against Beyonce. I was like, everybody knows who the fuck Beyonce is. You don't have to play this game. Beyonce.
Starting point is 00:38:17 A-dun-dee-un. All right, let's do days of the week. Da-da-da-da. Days of the week. This is every day has a national day, and I just run through them. So, you know, like National Pizza Day is some random ass day. Every day is like that. So this segment is me just ripping through the national da-da-da-da days of the week.
Starting point is 00:38:41 Thursday. Thursday. National Compliance Officer Day. Is that like the parole officer thing? Compliance. Reminds me of a guidance counselor. Oh, that would suck to be a compliance officer. Complies with its outside regulatory and legal requirements.
Starting point is 00:39:07 Individual who ensures that a company complies with its outside regulatory and legal requirements. Bro, that job is hell. I can't even, like, log into shit, let alone do some, like, that task. Legal stuff? I don't know anything. Guidance counselor. Remember your guidance counselor in school? Like, why were they cool?
Starting point is 00:39:32 Nobody like all the guidance counselors at every place I ever went. It was like, okay, they're kind of like, like if I really needed to, I could like chill in this fucking office like all day and they'd be cool with it. Guidance counselor vibes they were like way cooler than every other person in your school or college you're just like fuck it you could like do homework in the guidance counselor's office it was like a lounge they didn't give a fuck in there ah sign up for spanish fucking idiot my guidance counselor fucked me up, dude. I swear to God, somehow in high school, I never took an art class. Like, it's required as AF, but I never took one.
Starting point is 00:40:15 I just snuck out of my high school without taking any art class. Went on to do art in college. I was like, oh, I guess. I never fucking took art before though In college They were like is this your How many What was your experience with art in high school I was like I'd never done it
Starting point is 00:40:31 Fucking tits popping out and shit Fat stomach I'd never done art I made a mask My teacher made me make a mask in fourth grade That's the most art I ever done My dumb ass 8am in a fucking art class If you wanted to be a graphic design major in college
Starting point is 00:40:53 You Which is like I did a minor What Is that weird If you wanted to do a graphic design anything in college You had to take actual art classes That weren't on the computer
Starting point is 00:41:06 first which is fucked up so like i had this 8 a.m class and i was like coloring with colored pencils and shit i was like what am i doing bro i sketched a whole ass like picture of martin luther king and shit i was like i took like two months i was like why the fuck am i doing this I took like two months. I was like, why the fuck am I doing this? Put right here all black on my hand. Yeah, but I never took an art class. They just let me sneak through.
Starting point is 00:41:34 I never do. This really fucked me up. For some reason, I snuck by without taking any geography. So I don't know where shit is. It's like the most sensitive subject ever. When somebody's like, well, let's get the map out here of the world. I'm like, oh, shit. I gotta go to the bathroom. You ever not know a question so bad in school you, like, literally go to the bathroom?
Starting point is 00:41:57 Or, like, lay on the floor so they don't see you? I swear to fucking God I did that one time. I didn't know a question so bad in math one time. I acted like I tied my shoe under my desk and hid for like 30 seconds. My face was so red and I was like sweating. I was like... And she started like re-explaining it and I was like... Dude, the biggest fu... No way, bro. It's like the last question... Dude The biggest
Starting point is 00:42:25 No way bro It's like the last question Last question of the Like the chapter that you had no idea What the fuck they were talking about Last question of the day Before you move on to like history Dude I was bouncing
Starting point is 00:42:39 I'm gone Kleenex Sometimes you just had to get a Kleenex in school Fuck it Can't deal with it anymore Gotta get a Kleenex I never once had to get a Kleenex in school Fuck it Can't deal with it anymore Gotta get a Kleenex I never once had to blow my nose in school I was always just for like
Starting point is 00:42:51 I had to get up bro I gotta get up and walk around in this bitch And I blow my nose like a fucking Semi horn Every time I blow my nose The first time Like when I got into school And I needed to blow my nose like a fucking semi horn. Every time I blow my nose, the first time, like when I got into school and I needed to blow my nose and no one was making that noise with their nose.
Starting point is 00:43:11 I was like, how do you guys blow, get anything out of your nose? Like every single person blows their nose like this. Some shit you realize when you get around other people. That's so funny. Every person would go up to the Kleenex box and be like, I was like, okay, she's a bitch. Some dude goes up there. Some big ass dude goes up there. I was like, what the fuck is going on? I waited like four months to blow my nose in school
Starting point is 00:43:48 and, and I waited until the whole class was at lunch. Cause I was like, my whole, I blow a cold. Loud as fuck, dude. Every time I blow my nose oh it's my x-men power it's my x-men power Wolverine you go down and take out the guards Cyclops you open the doors with your vision Ben you walk in the door and blow everybody's ear drums out got it every guard in the place good job agent agent loud nose Agent Loud Nose.
Starting point is 00:45:06 Agent Nosehorn. All right. Friday. National Scarf Day? National Scarf Day, bro. Right when I put on a scarf, the minute I fucking whip that thing around my neck, I look so gay. It doesn't matter, bro. It doesn't matter. I could be wearing a construction workers outfit. I put her a fucking scarf around my neck. Gayest man on earth. I look so gay in scarves. Actually,
Starting point is 00:45:38 construction outfit would make it even more. Bro, I cannot wear a scarf i had a jordan scarf with like elephant print on it i was like this is hard because my neck was cold as shit my mouth and chin it was just so cold i was like i need a scarf fucking right when i put it on hey i was like fuck can't wear this so bad saturday Saturday Uh National drink beer day Fuck you know I'm into I hate this I hate this man I hate this
Starting point is 00:46:14 I like IPAs Fuck Don't say it I like IPAs God damn it Oh shit That's me when I sit down at a bar. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. What kind of IPAs do you have on draft? Fuck. Oh, I picked the shittiest, most fucked
Starting point is 00:46:39 up IPA too, dude. I am a bitch for an IPA. I'll take the golden doodle papa shootle. Is it good? I'm like, is it good? And they start to explain. I'm like, oh, I don't even like, I even know it's kind of hoppy, but at the same time it's like sweet and it's bubbly. It's a wee and everybody loves it. The hopping doodle, schnapping doodle, fucking all the IPA names dude Get out of here Get the fuck out of here When I have to explain them to people
Starting point is 00:47:10 Oh my god I work at the restaurant What's up guys how you guys doing You been here before Yeah we've been here Alright you wanna start with drinks That's my server voice That's my server tryout
Starting point is 00:47:23 If I had a server tryout video You guys wanna start with drinks? Oh, yeah. What kind of IPAs do you have on draft? Ah! I got to go get a Kleenex after that shit, bro. I'm like... Tie my shoe under the table.
Starting point is 00:47:40 They forget I'm there. I'm like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Dude, I'm saying IPAs to people. We have the Hoppopotamus. And I like rip them off too. They're like, what do you have rotating? And the beer names are so fucked up. Hoppopotamus. Make America Juicy Again. Um, rind over matter, um, zombie dust, um, pop and doodle, smack your poodle. And, um, yeah. So if any of those ring a bell, dude, and they're like, I'll take a Coors Light. I'm like, no fucking shit.
Starting point is 00:48:22 Cause you don't want to say any of those fuck ass words back to me. God damn it. Oh shit. I'm going to tell my dad. Oh shit. I'm going to tell my dad to order a fucking IPA. That'd be the funniest thing. Curly kitten wets my mitten. That's my mitten. Sir, would you? Oh, my God. Sir, would you? I'll be like, Dad, get an IPA, please, for my birthday. He'll be like, sure, fine, okay.
Starting point is 00:48:54 Sir, would you like anything to drink? He's like, lobster tails, but not snails. I don't fucking know, but you know what I'm talking about? He would never fucking say that. That's my dad's crypt, and I just sang shit like that I tell you guys My dad wouldn't even say I went to Burger King one time I wanted fucking cinny minis so bad
Starting point is 00:49:13 I'm in the car he's ordering He's like what do you want I'm like cinny minis He looked at me for like 10 minutes And I was like what I was like the six The one with six in them they're fire And he was like, what? I was like, the one with six in them, they're fire. And he was like, you guys got the cinnamon things?
Starting point is 00:49:32 And the person in the drive-thru was like, the cinny minis? He was like, I guess. I was like, bro. Can I have the, I'm going to make his ass order an IPA quick Come here looking so crazy right now Sunday Oh wait did we Didn't do Saturday
Starting point is 00:49:59 Saturday National Strawberry Cream Pie Day I always want strawberry shit Saturday National strawberry cream pie day I always want strawberry shit And I see peanut butter chilling next to it And I'm like sorry strawberry Maybe next time but You've never upset peanut butter for me I just peanut butter is my fucking
Starting point is 00:50:18 Soul bro Peanut butter tastes regular to me Strawberry is always kind of a gamble But when I'm talking about ice cream Peanut butter I just want peanut butter ice cream And that's it Like that's it
Starting point is 00:50:35 I had a hell of an ice cream Sunday is just the day for ice cream I think I eat a fucking pint. It's impossible not to eat one of those pints of ice cream. Have you guys fucking had those? Dude, those Ben & Jerry pints of ice cream, nothing compares to those.
Starting point is 00:50:56 That is the best fucking amount of ice cream. Those little Ben & Jerry joints. God damn it. It's impossible not to eat the whole thing. Just like a cup of ice cream. It's fucking gas. Ben and Jerry's dude.
Starting point is 00:51:11 Are those even around anymore? Bass and Robbins. I hate Baskin Robbins. I went to the last time I went into Baskin Robbins. Um, someone fucking farted in there. And now that's all I think about every time I think about it. Like, I pass a Baskin Robbins, and I'm like, ew!
Starting point is 00:51:30 And somebody's like, you don't like that? I'm like, nah, somebody farted in there last time I went, so now I can't even think about their ice cream anymore. I just think about the ravioli that I smelled that came out of that guy's ass. I mean, it's okay. Holy shit. Every time Alright
Starting point is 00:51:47 It's a wrap Shot 177 Espresso Pod With Ben Polizzi Thanks for listening Remember to follow On TikTok, Twitter, Instagram, Cameo All that Benedict Polizzi Get a Cameo
Starting point is 00:52:00 A little Johnson Cameo For the homies. Or anybody. You're getting married. It's your dude's birthday. It's your girl's birthday. I don't have to do Johnson either. It can be fucking anybody.
Starting point is 00:52:16 Shall they? It can be Coach Racco. I need to start bringing these characters back. But yeah, follow. Get a cameo. Remember to subscribe. Rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, get a cameo. Remember to subscribe, rate, review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and join the Patreon.
Starting point is 00:52:29 Join the Patreon. That's a demand. What do they say in like army movies? That's not an option. That's mandatory. And they say something that's better than that But it's like all those words combined But join the Patreon man
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Starting point is 00:53:19 I really appreciate it. I love you guys. Thanks for listening. I'll talk to you guys next week. I fam.

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