Espresso - worst date u've ever been on

Episode Date: June 9, 2022

espresso podcast shot 214 i'm your host benedict palizzi got a hot little show got a good little question remember to join the patreon for an extra episode every week we get a little we get a little silly over there it's only five dollars so you know help your boy out a little silly over there. It's only $5. So, you know, help your boy out a little bit. It's worth it. Only if you're fam. But all right. The Espresso. Quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week is,

what's the worst date you've ever been on? I told you guys, for me, it, my relationship was getting a little rocky. Not really, but it was just like, I don't know what's going on. And we went to an apple orchard and I, it was supposed to be just like, you know, just, just folk, just, just girlfriend day, you know, a good ass girlfriend day. Ooh. But like, I always got to do something else and kind of, and kind of shoot myself in the foot so I can make up for it. I do. It's weird. I don't know why, but, uh, I was like, I got to film a TikTok here. Like I have to. And the TikTok was like guys at the apple orchard, girls at the apple orchard. It was quick. It bad but like dude i had to i had to like have the

girls you know like record it and that was kind of like damn i probably shouldn't have done that and uh it was guys at the apple orchard and i just picked up an apple and threw it at the fence and i swear to god i dislocated my shoulder so that too and then i got broken up with like three days later so anyway and the video only got like 700 views i was like i must be shadow banned this is just horrible dude but uh yeah that was uh not the best time i don't even know if i even had any like apple cider or anything i don't even know if i even bought a pumpkin i don't even know and i even had any like apple cider or anything. I don't even know if I even bought a pumpkin. I don't even know.

And I think we went to a restaurant after that and the food was so bad. I was like, all right, let's call it. I swear to God, this, this Italian restaurant, the Indy best place ever.

The day we go that, that the date was horrible, worst food of all time. Anyway, but yeah, what was the worst day you've ever been on from? that the date was horrible. Worst food of all time. Anyway. But yeah, what was the worst date you've ever been on? From Anonymous. Okay. Here is one.

It's not the worst, but it's pretty bad. Yes! I love it. They go, I fucked up. It is so hard to record a voice message on the first rip though kidding me so the first three seconds i'm like so like oh then you gotta read all right all right so this guy wanted to make me dinner so i went over to his house first of all we're dinner except he what would you actually make well if i if i was making a girl dinner i'd be like so eggs did not start did not start cooking until nine o'clock after a whole bunch of weed and i was not aware we're

eating that late so i did not eat any snacks beforehand. So I was very, very, very hungry, and, like, in and out, like, seeing stars. Just, I had to lay down because I was so famished. I thought I was going to pass out. Shut up. And we were on this kung fu movie in the background while he was cooking his chicken parm, and it was finally done.

It was, like, after 10 o'clock, and I just, i just like inhaled it and then i had to go because i was like still hungry even though i just ate a shit ton of chicken parm and yeah worst date ever damn it's not why does it sound kind of fun i guess uh damn yeah normal people eat dinner at like six which is weird right that's like normal family dinner time six i fuck around eat dinner at 2 30 a.m then i wake up at eight and i'm like i don't work out because i'm like still full oh my gosh and i should probably sleep a few more hours i'm still full for some reason. Jesus ate like three hours ago. Dude, I make up every excuse in the book in the morning to sleep in. I swear to God. One time I, one time I slept for an extra hour

because my shoulders were cold. I swear to God. I was like, my shoulders are cold. This isn't right. I'm like, I'll sleep for 10 more minutes. 10 more minutes in the morning means one hour straight up. I was full in the morning. I was like, I got to digest. There's no way I can get up. I can't go on like this. But she goes, I think that would be kind of a fun date.

Maybe come over and help me cook some shit. I swear, bro. That's the most fun ever when you help somebody cook. Actually, I would burn everything, but yeah, maybe that wouldn't be good. I can't, I can't make anything, dude. One time I got, one time I got in trouble in high school and my punishment was to cook. one time I got in trouble in high school and my punishment was to cook I was like I was sucking up so bad so my mom would like let me like go out and shit or just go to my friend my mom wouldn't let me do anything I got in trouble so heavy I was like can I go to the gas station she's like no I was like oh my god not even to get a fucking gatorade no so I was sucking up so bad and I was like all right uh i'll make you

guys dinner i was just doing nice shit like just out of pocket nice shit i made i made dinner for him and i just it was like obviously it was like spaghetti and the spaghetti was just like every the whole time i was cooking it i was like checking in with them so they actually cooked it i was like how do i that's me during anything i'm like hey can you check this out real quick and then the person that checks it out just does the whole thing and i'm like thank god yeah i swear anytime i cook anything hey can you help can you like look at the directions real quick and let me know if i'm doing this right then the person that looks at the directions literally makes a whole cake i'm like thank you but that wouldn't be too bad so you're you're cooking and you're

watching a movie i don't know i'd probably i'd probably bail and like order a pizza and be like fuck this food actually she goes he also had an assault rifle hanging above his bed you should have just led with that he had an assault rival hanging above his bed. You should have just led with that. He had an assault rival hanging above his bed and another one on the ground next to his nightstand. I didn't fuck him. What kind of tour?

Here, let me show the apartment. Here's the TV with Kung Fu Panda on. And here's my room with two assault rifles on the ground. People who like are obsessed with guns are so weird. Why? Why do you need it? Why do you need it? Unless you go to a shooting range, which everyone does. Remember that span of time where like every single person was posting them at a shooting range on their instagram i was like dude don't don't let me go in the shooter shooting range bro i swear to god i'll literally blow my leg off like i promise i would walk into a shooting range. I'm shooting my hand off.

It's like a no brainer. A hundred percent. 10 out of 10 times. I'd put $7,000 on it. I'd blow my fucking finger off. Easy. Or I'd like shoot the gun and I would like underestimate the power of it. I'd fucking hit myself in the face and give myself CTE. Oh

No, no way, bro All right, here we go Worst date. It was a nice Italian restaurant and her husband called her up to let her know that her Oh the accent though doesn't it just sound so pure this guy could sell me fucking anything and I'd be like yes Doesn't it just sound so pure? This guy could sell me fucking anything. And I'd be like, yes! 16-month-old baby was running a fever and needed to come home from her girl's night. Wait.

It was a nice Italian restaurant, and her husband called her up to let her know that her 16-month-old baby was running a fever and needed to come home from her girl's night. Oh, my God. First of all 16th month 16 month it's just a year old that would kind of be a relief i don't know does anybody ever really want to go on a date if i was in the middle of a date and the girl's like i to go home. I'd be like, hell yeah. Get the fuck out of here. See you never. I mean, text you 15 times wondering if it was me.

All right. Worst date from anonymous. One of the absolute worst dates I have ever been on was a blind date with you. And I had to go to a country concert. This is fake. Wearing a Ben Wallace basketball jersey. And I got hammered off of summer shandies. Ended up falling in love with the girl. That's the end of the story.

Hold on, there's more nothing ever transpired between the girl and i she married a doctor and i'm here that actually did happen oh shit there's like a span of time where everybody in Indiana just goes to country concerts and I don't like country music, but everybody was just going. Seems like every girl I've ever dated just loves going to country concerts. So I'm like, all right, fuck it. Let's go. So me and my homie in college just act like it's not a country concert and wear like basketball jerseys and get so drunk and pretend like it's not like it's a rap concert or something it was so weird listen to rap music all the way there i don't know what music to listen to on the way to concerts i'm like should we listen to what's going on

should we listen to like like so we would have so if if we're following the rules we would have been we would have to listen to like ladyebellum on the way there. We went to Lady Antebellum, Lady A concert. Worst fucking time ever. Oh shit. It wasn't bad actually. We just got home at like 2 a.m.

And I was like, I don't know if we should have done that. Jesus. I've seen every country performance ever. There's not one country artist I haven't seen live. Seen them all. I literally, I had the mega ticket. Oh, shit.

I'm the most Indiana girl of all time. Indiana girls don't even get the mega ticket. And I was like, got it. Save a horse, ride a cowboy. All right, let's keep going worst date from anonymous i've been trying to tell this story but it just does not fit in one minute anyway long story short i go on a second means it's gonna be the longest story ever date with this guy he gets his cousin to drop him off at the bar convinces me to drive him home he orders six beers just in the hour and

a half that we were there he drinks all of them but he was already drunk so he's just getting worse as the day goes on and I like cannot wait he told me after the third beer that he was going to be done he decided to order three more absolute trash so I we were going to my car i parked up to the wood line and he like passes my car and goes behind and i'm like okay that's weird he's just full out peeing in the woods like right behind my car though like there was a tree behind my car he peed on that tree okay he missed all three turns he was supposed to tell me to get to his house and then he expected me to go inside which i did not but yeah did you go on a date with me sounds like he was just super comfortable with you i don't know that sounds like normal does it i guess you're supposed to be like really polite and respectful on the first date with

someone you don't know yeah i guess i've never been on a date with somebody I actually don't know at all. Does anybody do that? Like you're just like, all right. Yeah, let's go on a date. Me and you never talked. I guess at that point I would be like very respectful and like gentlemen. But if I know her like bro, I'm'm just gonna be myself and piss on trees although there's one i also forgot to mention that when he got into my car he started touching everything

and now i know boys don't wash their hands but i just watched him touch his dick and put his hands all over the stuff in my car so he unplugs my phone from the charging cord because he wants to play his own music in my car he turns on pink floyd which all power to you but okay he turns it all the way to max volume okay all right that would get me pink floyd is blaring in my car as we're driving down the road we only had to make three turns He neglected to tell me every single turn that I was supposed to make, but he sees somebody he knows on the side of the road. He starts full out barking at this person he knows. Barking, okay?

I'm so embarrassed. I'm gripping the steering wheel. Cannot wait to get to his house. So to this day, we still call him PP Boy. Me and my friends refer to him as peepee boy oh my god that dude sounds like a good time though i'm not gonna lie i don't know mate i mean he was just like having like a hell of like a really good time i think i don't know maybe you should maybe lower your expectations a little bit but i guess you're i mean who's that would be funny to

me if somebody just started barking at i guess he was being annoying yeah and the music was up yeah if the music was up i'd be like get out of the car but if the music was at a normal level i'd be like let's kiss him out the window pee pee pants i never even i never keep track when somebody just goes to the bathroom and starts like touching stuff i would never think that think about that worst date ever um i went on a really fried date with the girl that i used to date we like made up this big scenario that like all right what if we went on a date and like we both wore like white contacts and you just wore like a white dress and we acted like dead uh wedding like we were dead people at a wedding the whole time

and we like went in a limo and shit and took pictures and we were just dying laughing the next weekend pulled up in a limo rolled down the window white contacts i was like what's up see that kind of shit like girls don't like that like that was all i was i was kind of upset like she was i was just fucking around like whatever but i kind of think that she was deep down she was very pissed and embarrassed but I was like we're just having fun baby G but it didn't end well and then we went to the apple orchard the next

weekend and now ya boy don't have a boo alright let's keep going I think I still have those white contacts i'm gonna do the whole next podcast with white contacts for sure what a weapon to just have white contacts on you i need to use those more i'm just gonna like walk into jimmy john's what's up yeah i'll take a gargantuan they're like actually that'd probably be the most normal thing at Jimmy John's downtown.

Dude, the Jimmy John's downtown. Don't go. Jesus Christ. I was in there. Me and two of my friends were in there ordering shit. And it took so long. I ate my entire sub before the next person ordered because they were so dumb. Everybody works downtown i'm like what's wrong with you guys no it's like it's it's crazy everybody that works in a store downtown i'm like where are you from bro they look so weird i'm like

dude it's gonna be interesting because the chick-fil-A is going to be downtown soon. Nina, all their workers are robots, dude. My pleasure. They're all homeschooled. All Chick-fil-A employees are homeschooled. That has to be. Chick-fil-A interview. Were you homeschooled?

Yep. See you tomorrow. See you tomorrow. Yeah, but we'll see about that bro i'd love oh if chick-fil-a employees were rude has that been a video yet because that's kind of funny i'd love for a chick-fil-a employee just to slap the shit out of me yes for a ketchup hey can i have another shake this one like is kind of i'd be like i love you chick-fil-a i respect you so much more all right here we go worst date from anonymous get ready for this one so the worst day i've ever been on in my life

long story short so this guy, we're, we go to this nice restaurant, and we order a charcuterie board, our full fucking meal isn't even there yet. So all of a sudden, he starts opening up to me, and he's like, oh my god,

I want to tell you something. I've never told anyone this before in my life. I do this really weird thing, whatever. And I was like, oh, what is it? He's like,

oh my god, I can't believe I'm about to say this. I've never told anyone in my life. No way. I was like, hey, you don't have to if you don't want to, but like, what is it? And so he looks at me dead ass and he says, I do this really weird thing where I rip. It's just that first fucking word where I rip off my toenails. I said, what? I was like, oh, you mean like you clip your nails like you clip your toenails like we all clip our nails right dude oh no no no baby girl this motherfucker

he's like no i rip off my toenails i was like what and i just go into panic mode so i start asking questions because then like i don't want to be like a bitch. I don't know. So I was trying to be nice. I was like, why do you do that? Like, how do you do that? Do you like just use your fingers or do you have to get pliers? He's like, yeah, sometimes I'll use pliers. Sometimes I'll use tweezers. Like I rip off the whole nail. I'm like, what the fuck? And I was like, why? He's like, well, I do it because I hate myself and this and that and then he started going into this whole thing about how he hates himself and then he went into full detail about how he

ripped off the nails and mind you we're still on the fucking charcuterie board and then our main meal comes and it just goes downhill more from there I don't know why I didn't walk out you look he loved it. If any guy's opening up, you just stay there, sweetie. Because that's the last time it's going to happen.

Imagine opening up. Damn, boy. You look like you talk about your feelings. Damn, boy. You look like you're emotionally available. I might have to write that down for real. Dude, guy opens up you just let him go it doesn't matter what he's doing if i'm telling you some shit i've never told anybody strap in bessie oh dude but i i'm not gonna lie i rip off my toenails for sure. Who doesn't do that? And I'll do that on like, I'll do it like subconsciously. Like I'll be listening to someone tell a story.

Like if I was at a picnic with no shoes on and there was a girl that I was with and she was like telling a good story, I would like be so into it that I can see myself ripping off a toenail and being like, who's not ripping off their toenails. You've ripped it off in it, but the nail goes too, too short, like into your skin. You're like, ah, but I still got to finish it. It's just one thing I can't do is stop biting my, you ever bite your toenail? I know you have. Don't act like you don't be like it. You have't be like, you have. You have. You've sat on your bed Indian style,

tried to rip off your toenail with your fingers, couldn't get it, so then you bit it off. I didn't do that last night or anything, but it's just standard practice. But he said he used pliers for his toenails? Who is he? Frankenstein? Damn, the first time I got a... I still don't know if it's a manicure or pedicure, but when they do your feet,

probably a pedicure. That was... That was... I felt bad for this lady. I don't know if I tipped. I should have tipped her $700, bro. The thing she was doing on my feet, she had to take out like a circular saw.

She had to put like goggles on. She had to put on like a whole hazmat suit. Swear to God. There's sparks and shit flying. Oh, shit. there's sparks and shit flying oh shit one time I told somebody there was something wrong with my toe and I showed them my foot and they're like oh my god

and I was like oh it's not that bad it's just a scratch but they were saying they're reacting to my toe that was like that like turns I was like no that one's actually fine oh shit petty i should probably get one i haven't looked at my toes in like two and a half years no one no one knows what's going down there all right worst date you've ever been on so the worst date i've ever been on i went with this girl

on valentine's day we were supposed to go for pasta but i didn't make reservations so we ended up going to a really really sketchy part of the city and And the date was horrible. She had the personality of a wet cardboard box. And on the way home, we're at a stoplight, and we look to our left and see a guy get stabbed. And I said, this is a sign of what's to come, and I never talked to her again. After seeing the guy get stabbed, I said, shanks for nothing. Oh, my God! Oh, God! guy gets stabbed i said shanks for nothing oh god oh damn why do all these dates sound tight

y'all you guys are making me want to go on a date i almost said y'all making me want to go on a date i had to catch myself you ever just throw y'all in sometimes you got to y'all know what i mean so imagine one guys are so bad at making reservations i'm the worst person to ever go on a date with probably because i won't make the reservation i won't even think about the reservation until like three hours before the date i'll'll be like, oh yeah, damn. And then I'll try and they'll be booked. And I'm like, what the fuck? Then we got to go somewhere else. Oh, another weird date I went on.

I went on a hell of dates last year. Like probably every week. Shorty wanted to go to the Japanese steakhouse thing is that what hibachi is because i think she she wanted to go to hibachi but i was like all right let's do it and then we just went to a japanese steakhouse and i was like is this what that is and so i was like all right what's the best i was like asking people i was like bro what's the best japanese steakhouse like for real what is was like, bro, what's the best Japanese steakhouse? Like, for real, what is it?

And they were like, Benihana for sure, and I was like, all right, yeah. They say that in like rap songs and stuff, so it has to be fire. We pulled up like dressed nice. We didn't know Benihana was like the Applebee's of restaurants. Pulled up looking way too good.

Then we just went to some weird sushi place like up north, like in Zionsville. Like as they were about to close. I was like, it was like cold in there. We're the only ones there. So weird. She was on her phone the whole time in the car. I was like, damn.

On another episode of doesn't really want to be here. Anytime anybody's on their phone, I'm like, all right, nevermind. Peace. If I'm on my phone, don't talk to me.

Oh my God. When someone's actually talking to you and you're reading something on the, on your phone, I'm like, can you see I'm busy? Does that talk? I think it's pretty like standard, you know,

that's pretty like, yeah know that's pretty like yeah let's keep going we got a couple more here we go worst date i've been on buffalo wild wings with this chick from plenty of fish and uh is that her her plan was just to order shots of Jack Daniels' Tennessee Honey. I think we each did three. Definitely wasn't feeling it. The date, that is. And then she looks to the other side of the bar.

She goes, hey, that's my stepdad. And she waves him over. And then the guy proceeds to come over and tell me how if this date is going to continue that I was going to come back to the house and meet her mother and play pool with him. And then I said I wasn't cool with that. And she said I was a little bitch. Took so long to end that. That's me at the end of every FaceTime. Like, all right, bro.

All right, man. Talk to you later. For sure. Hang up the phone. Okay. Takes me 15 seconds to hang up every time you ever stay on the phone with somebody after you like some people don't hang up right away and i don't either like i'll always wait for the other person to hang up so i can hear it and then uh i'll hang up but at one time with somebody it was fucking derrick one time he didn't we were just in the car or he was just in the car

and I FaceTimed about something stupid and he didn't hang up so just for like four minutes I was just like waiting for him to fart so I could say something I was like like I've never been that patient in my life just waiting for a fart I was like come on I know you're gonna do it but nothing ever happened I was just, come on. I know you're going to do it, but nothing ever happened. I was just like, bro, hang up. He's like, oh my God. Oh shit. Yeah, but he said Buffalo Wild Wings Wings one. That's crazy. Took a girl there. That's like an all male Buffalo Wild Wings is like one tit away from Twin Peaks. Imagine going to Twin Peaks for the food.

Do people really go there and just like, yeah? There's no way. Damn, boy, you look like you go to Twin Peaks for the food. This date sounds good. Hold on. Worst date I've been on. The order. I think we each did three.

Definitely wasn't feeling it. The date, that is. So her stepdad was there. She waved him over. They got drinks and then invited. I would be down with all that. I wouldn't have gone over. I hate games, with all that I wouldn't have gone over to I hate games though so I wouldn't have done that but they said invite actually I'm not bad I'm like

pool's like one of those games it's like it's like one step above cards like it's like yeah but all right you stop playing pool you end up just just playing with the balls you know what I mean this guy no but you just like end up just playing with the balls. You know what I mean? This guy. No, but you just end up playing pool with the balls. You start hitting balls into different holes and shit. No sticks. People that are really good at pool, I'm kind of scared of. How did you learn all this?

Do you have a knife? People that are good at pool, I'm like, are you going to kill me? That date sounds kind of lit, though. Wow, that's it shut up yeah damn that's the last one

and that was the espresso quick quick quick quick question of the week what's the worst date you've ever been on I think every date I've ever been on it's kind of bad it's just gotta be for a date to go good you just gotta you can do anything on a date

as long as you're with the right person that's the cutest shit I've ever said but honestly like I could go I could I don't think I like really doing fun things on dates I just like like I'll take a walk bro oh that'd be the dude i'll walk you can fucking i'll walk to texas there's no there's no limit i'll walk forever oh my god

with a shorty get out of here what's more fun what's more fun name something paddle boat pedal boat no horseback riding i think i don't like dates because i don't like setting the shit up i'm like oh my god i gotta call the horse place i don't know any horse terms i'll probably step in shit what do i wear when you're taking a walk it's just like yeah where that let's go are we gonna get something to eat i don't know maybe we feel like it there's no pressure you're just walking around my low-key holder hand first i definitely gotta definitely gotta be like the you hold her hand for a second but you're kidding you know when you actually touch somebody's hand and you're like are you trying to hold my hand you You do that with it for like two steps

and you're like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that. Then you keep doing it like three times. And that's the only game I have. Nah, you got to take a walk, bro. Are we going to get a drink? I don't know. Maybe I'm already drunk.

Do you know? Does it matter? Because we're not in a car. So who knows? I'll swear to god i'll walk to virginia making fun of shit see somebody you know that's the best time all right that's it shot what was this 214 i'll never know? 214? I'll never know. Shot 214. Thanks for listening, guys. I love you. Remember to subscribe, rate, review on Apple Podcasts. Tell the peeps to join the Patreon.

One episode, extra episode a week, $5. Subscribe on YouTube. Watch it live. Not live, but watch the video. And okay, I'll talk to you guys next week. I have fam. The merch is coming out soon, by the way.