Espresso - worst living situation ever

Episode Date: November 3, 2023

on this ep benny reacts to your worst living situations (like your landlord living a tent IN THE LIVING ROOM)🌴Stream FBOY ISLAND S3 on CW app for FREE🔺𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://www.youtube.com/@espressowbenedict💋Leave a rating and review boo🧢Buy some shit benedictmerch.com

My now ex-husband and I decided we were going to get a divorce and we lived in the same house together for like three months after we decided that. He just stayed in the guest bedroom. At the same time, we decided we wanted to get a divorce. My mom also broke off her engagement and came and lived with me. And then my sister ended up showing up and needed somewhere to live. So she also came to live with us. Okay. What up, fam? He's in LA. He feels good. He thinks he feels good. He's back in the studio. He's a little nervous, but we'll figure it out. Espresso Podcast Shot 287. I'm your annoying little brother, Benny, And I'm holding the mic like an ice cream cone right now. Can we talk? Let's talk. But before we get started, remember I'm dropping a podcast on Patreon every other week because we got to, we got to grow the kiss club. You already know that we got one rule on this podcast and it's kiss me every day. It's just one rule. And that's,

it's pretty simple and that's it. But we. It's just one rule and that's, it's, it's pretty simple and that's it. But we got to grow the kiss club over on Patreon. Support your girl. It's only $5 a month for a podcast every other week and a live stream every Sunday. And those live streams, I swear to God, the last live stream we'll talk about later. We'll talk about it later, but yeah, only $5 over there on Patreon. What else? Oh, hey, watch FBoy Island season three on the CW every Friday now at nine o'clock across the board. We figured it out. We figured out time zones. Apparently it's just nine o'clock everywhere. Why couldn't we do that two weeks ago? I don't know. But nine o'clock on the CW, if you have

cable that's on Fridays, and if you don't have cable and you're a normal person, uh, you can stream it the next day on the CW app for free. It bangs the CW app bangs. You just watch it. There's no like bullshit. You just, I'm watching it. I watch it on my phone sideways and just walk around my apartment, uh, like a normal person. Cause if you're not doing that, you're crazy. Um, yeah, but, uh, okay. We'll talk about F boy stuff next week on the pod. It'll be on Patreon. We'll do ask me anything from episodes five and six. This is where it starts this is where f boy island starts to get like whoa whoa we're doing the social media reveal like we'll we'll see we'll see but we'll talk about it next week

but this week the espresso question of the week what's your worst living situation ever what was the worst one everybody's got one where they're like, yo, I might, I might blow my head off if I live here any longer. Uh, for me, it was when I slept on a twin bed, the size of a diving board in the dining room of my college house. And I didn't see anything wrong with it. Cause I'm like, kind of, I don't know why I'm like this. I wonder what happened in my childhood to make me like this, but I don't care where I didn't until like two years ago, I did not care where I was sleeping, where I was living. Like you could put me in like a, like a crawl space and I'd be like, yep, this is it. This is

what I like. Cause I like living in weird places. Like I remember when I was a kid, I wanted to live inside of the Island in our kitchen for like my whole childhood. I kind of still do like just in that little box underneath. Fuck. I don't know why it just seemed cozy, but, uh, in college I was like, yeah, dude, let's cut down the rent. I'm going to live with you guys and I'll just live in the dining room. And everybody's like, are you sure? And I was like, I don't give a shit. They're like, what if you like have a girl over? And I was like, you don't know me, do you? But I slept on this tiny ass bed in the corner in a room with just like two open doorways. The kitchen was right there in the living room was right there. So like when I went to sleep, everybody just saw me like,

I didn't give a shit. I'd cable in my room. Like it was cool to just be in the middle of the house until it got dark. And that's when like I had sleep paralysis, but it really kicked in, in that house. I think something was haunted in that room. Cause every single night in the middle of the house, I would get so scared. I would get frozen and there'd be a clown sitting right next to me or a demon or something. I can remember it every single night. I slept with a nightlight on, like I slept with the kitchen light on cause I was so scared. But like there, there was like, it wasn't every night, but there was like six or seven, probably like a dozen times I had to run to my friend's room and like sleep on their ground. scared. But like there, there was like, it wasn't every night, but there was like six or seven,

probably like a dozen times I had to run to my friend's room and like sleep on their ground because I was too scared. And I would still do that today. Is he still scared of the dark? Yeah. Does he still sleep with a light on? I think you're crazy if you sleep like in with all the lights off. That seems like dangerous. Almost. I always sleep with a light on. Doesn't matter what it is. Closet light on. I don't know why, like a pitch black room. Like, I don't know. I can't do it. I don't want to like surrender. You know what I mean? I don't even get under the covers, bro. I'm so like, dude, that's how scared of commitment I mean? I don't even get under the covers, bro. I'm so like, dude, that's how scared of commitment I am. I wouldn't even get under the covers when I sleep. I'm like, I don't know if I'm, I don't know yet. I don't know yet. I don't know yet. Don't turn the lights on. Cause I'm like, yeah, I don't know. I might wake up. What if I wake up?

You guys know what I'm talking about? If you fam knows fam, baby, you know, you know, we're all the same. Uh, where else did I live that I wanted to blow my head off? Uh, I live, I tried to live in LA for like four months, but couldn't do that. Lived with a guy named Juan. Uh, they were from Compton and Brooklyn, New York and me Benedict from Greenwood, Indiana. That didn't work out too well, but learned a lot. Uh, yeah, I couldn't do it. Yeah. I w I did have my own room and it had like a single bed in it. And I was like, this is fine. But like, I never, dude, I, this is how, this is how, this is how uncommitted I am. I never like took my clothes out of the suitcase for four months. I was just living out of a suitcase and that drove me fucking insane. But yeah, that was rough. Uh, i didn't have my own food in that house i just

like ate what they ate and they just had like tostadas every night and i was like all right dude we're having tostadas again let's go i guess who am i to say i don't know this isn't my house but yeah i remember i i didn't want to live there so bad i'd wake up at 6 a.m uh work out at la fitness shower there and go to whole foods for the rest of the day then come home at like 10 p.m i was like i don't know what you guys did today but i don't care either but let's hear yours what's your worst living situation ever um let's hear it so my worst roommate situation i lived with the boy and he was gross the living room smelled like straight bo he had like eaten like shaken bones like sitting on the side of his little table by where he would stink up the place for like five or six days.

And the last thing was that like I went to go use our washer and it smelled like straight shit. So I thought maybe he shard himself and like he washed like his underwear already. No, no, he put like fresh, raw, sharded underwear in the washing machine that made it smell like shit. Needless to say, I wanted to die.

To die. Dude, she's always hitting. Yeah, everybody has a horrible roommate. And you give them the benefit of the doubt early. Like, I think I've had the most roommates of all time ever. I promise you nobody's had more roommates than me. I've probably lived in 15 different places and I've always had two or more roommates. I've never not.

I had I had no roommate for like three months in Indianapolis. Fire three months, dude. How do you have a roommate after not having a roommate you can't go back you got to be solo but uh yeah I was given the benefit of the doubt at first like all the people I like dude I had so many like different like people like dude I swear to god I was in a dorm for like four years in college. You're supposed to be out of the dorms after you're a freshman. I was in the dorms till I was a junior.

I was like, I don't know, dude. I just didn't like sign up. Like I never read anything or read any emails or check any emails. And they're like, you missed the sign up for the like apartment thing. I was like, all right, I guess I'm just in the dorms again. So many roommates. But like they like at the at first I was like oh this guy's dope but they'll just do one thing over and over that just pisses me off dude i it wasn't as bad as hers with the chicken bones in the living room dude bo will

fuck i will i will file a complaint if you have bo that just i can't ride with bo cringe moment of the week cringe moment of the week this girl came up to me at a comedy show and she's like i thought you i thought you were gonna be on the show so i came and now you're here for the second show and and just four times i talked just four times within that one minute conversation. I was like, does she smell like shit? I know it's not me. I know it's not me. I don't smell like that. I know what I smell like. Yo, you ever smell yourself? Another cringe moment of the week. This is the ADHD podcast right now. Cringe moment of the week. dude, this is just, this is the ADHD podcast right now. Cringe moment of the week. We'll talk about this later, but I went to Disneyland. I have to bring

it up right now. I don't care. And it was cool. It was, it was lit actually way better than I thought. Like I went out on a limb and went to Disneyland. Cause I don't do, you guys know, I don't do shit. And I was like, you know what? I'm doing it. I'm gone. Fuck it. Got to do something different every once in a while. That was my different thing. And it was fun. But like halfway through the day, I like did that thing. You never, you do that thing and you like turn your head before your body knows you like turn your head real quick and you smell yourself, bro. and you smell yourself, bro, I smelled myself like midday at Disneyland. I went to the bathroom and took a pirate shower immediately. I was like, yeah, I got to go to the bathroom. Okay, bro. I went, I, I went to the, the paper towel dispenser, got, uh, got like stacked like five on top of each other,

hit the soap pump on that thing. People in the bathroom probably thought I was insane. And we were at Disneyland. So everybody's insane. But I was like, got it wet, got the paper towel wet, went in the stall and just fucking I had to no choice but then I realized like it wasn't my body that smelled you ever have that that like pair of shorts or something that you wear a lot like probably too much I wore jean shorts so like you already, mommy's not washing those. Cause when do you wash denim? Never once every four years. Cause I'm like, denim doesn't smell. It doesn't, you can't even tell you could spill a whole fucking slushy on a pair of jeans and you wouldn't be able to tell. All right. Um, but you know, you wear those clothes and right when you like sweat or start to sweat or like it's been like

two hours it just like activates the smell oh that shit was fucking full blast and like i was so self-conscious about it i was like sitting like this the whole time anytime we did anything i was like talking to people with like my body away from them i was like my ass and hips were fucking two feet over here and my face was over there whoa cringe moment of the week but bo will fuck me up like if i smelled somebody that smelled like me i'd be like i'm never talking to you again you ever like has somebody's breath ever been so bad you like you're not even friends with them anymore i gotta write that shit down oh my god somebody's breath ever smells so bad you can't even i don't even like you anymore sorry i'll forget it

sorry, I'll forget it. Cause it's true, dude. It's true. Yeah. I can't do BO. I can't do it. Just, you know, I'm starting to like, all right. I life hack. Uh, I know I've said this before, but if you're somebody that is self-conscious about armpit sweat, because I am the most self-conscious ever about everything, but armpit sweat has got to be the ugliest creation on the planet. You know, like you take a picture with your arm up in eighth grade and there's just a fucking whoa what's going on in there big guy you nervous huh dude is so weird and gross so i was like i can't do it because i'm the most nervous sweaty fuck ever so i always had the the leaf i always had the leaf. I always had the, my shirts were done. Every white shirt I had finished, finish him. So, um, I found this thing called certain dry. It's like a roller ball and you put

it on your armpits. And for the night that you put certain dry on your, it's like eating your pores alive. I think it just like eliminates all your pores, like cements it over. Cause I used it for like a long time, probably like two years I was using certain dry and I put it on like every three months and I didn't sweat on my armpits for 10 years. I figured it out. 10 years, nothing. I would work out in sweat. My mind, all my clothes would be soaked dry. Insane. But I think, uh, I think it's running out because I smelled my armpit the other day and I was like, all right, time to get back on the certain dry, but that's the life hack. If you have BO, go to Walgreens, get certain dry in

and it's going to burn that night. It's going to burn that night, but like, just know in your head, the pain is where the pain's always worth it. The pain is always worth it. Golden rule of the express podcast beauty over pain baby all right let's keep going worst living situation when i first moved to la i slept on a futon couch of a one-bedroom apartment with a bus driver i met off craigslist named john but he liked to go by yawn so he was a soft j and he had a cushioned toilet seat and he was gay i'm still in touch with him literally in touch but uh this guy yeah I would never be able to do, I'd have to know somebody a little bit to just

move in their apartment, you know? So I was hunting on Craigslist. Well, when I tried to live here the first time, I was like, I got to live somewhere and it might have to be like in a, just in somebody's room in their apartment. But like, wouldn't that be weird to not know somebody at all and just be like hey i'm moving in i think it's weirder if you list a room in your house like that yeah anybody literally anybody it's crazy the padded toilet seat bro that those really do like change the game. Once you go padded toilet seat, you can't go back. Bro. Why is the toilet seat so cold? You ever, you ever like fear sitting down on a toilet seat? I have before. It's always when I'm sick, when I'm sick, the toilet seat is negative 20 degrees.

I'm like, fuck, I have to shit, but i don't want to sit down like it's just too cold like i can't even bring myself to do it and i'm just like fuck it i'll do it and but it's so cold for like it's so cold for like 20 seconds but when you get that when you sit down it goes like this When you sit down, it goes like this. It's playtime. I'll sit there for four days. Insane.

Ew. Yeah, I don't know. I guess, though. You got to do what you got to do. And if you got to just live in a guy's house with a cushioned toilet seat, it's so weird that everybody's ass is just on that. So gross. I used to be guy that like in public bathrooms would like mummify the toilet seat, bro. I'm to a point now where I'm like, looks good to me.

And I just sit down. Oh, I don't care. I don't care. Whatever. If it looks good, like you give it the eye test. If there's like one speckle of pee, I'm like, and I just sit down, but you can kind of tell when a toilet seat's gone through it. And it depends what time it like, what time of day it is too. If it's like, if it's like 10 AM and I go into a go into a restroom and the toilet seat looks good, I'm like, yeah, they just cleaned this like four hours ago, so we're good. But if it's like 10 p.m., we're mummifying.

We're fucking, we're doing the works on that thing. And I don't care. I am a guy that will, I'll do it it all in public i can't like shit in public it's so weird i have to i have to go that i hate the word poop oh my god oh my god i hate the word poop but um yeah i mean if you can't if you can't take a deuce in public, trying to figure out a good way to say, but if you can't take a deuce in public, grow up, that's the only way. That's the only way I go to the bathroom. I don't even go in my apartment. I go to Starbucks. I'm like, what's the code G one thing about me. I know all the bathroom codes, homie, everything.

codes, homie, everything. They should make an app for that bathroom codes in your area. So you don't have to buy something, bro. Those Starbucks. Cause like you have to pee so bad in Starbucks. Every time you're in there, even if you don't have to pee, you're like, fuck, I gotta go. Now I got to buy a muffin and a cake pop just to pee. All but uh yeah i'll go anywhere new app if anybody wants it bathroom codes in your area but let's keep going what's your worst living situation oh when i first moved to la i slept on a futon in a one-bedroom apartment okay it's the same exact one, except for it sounded like he was recording it in a hot tub. Let's keep going. Hi, Benny. In college, I turned my bedroom into a walk-in closet and ended up sleeping in my living room on a two-seater sofa.

Thank God I'm only 5'1". Otherwise, it wouldn't have worked out in the turn your bedroom into the closet dude that's some real like i'm down with that if you want to just have a big fucking closet yeah because i'm. Like how fun is it sometimes just sleeping on the couch in your, in your like living room? It's sometimes it's the most fun I've ever had in my life. You know, you're just like, I'm sleeping out here tonight. It's like, you're at somebody else's house. So you're watching like TV. You don't give a fuck. You're like, you just, your phone's charging right there. It's like, you're sleeping at someone's house.

You're like, you just, your phone's charging right there. It's like you're sleeping at someone's house. I might do that shit tonight. Dude is crazy in LA. I have like a, my couch in my apartment. I got to give you guys a tour on Patreon. Ooh, I will. That's sexy.

That's what, that's what's coming up in the live stream. Apartment tour. My couch is a beanbag couch. And I know that that sounds poor but it's kind of a slay it's not bad like maybe i'm crazy maybe i need a new couch i don't know but like why does it kind of go hard if i if my room was small enough to turn into a closet which it is and my living room was nice enough to sleep there every night, which I think, I think I might do this. Why does this sound good? Just realized I look like I had boobs, uh, on the, on the YouTube, um, video by the way. Um, yeah, this is available on

YouTube and you can see that I had boobs this entire podcast before I just fixed my posture. It's crazy because I can't see how I look right now. I'm just doing this. What are we talking about? Oh, change. Just sleeping in your living room full time. I'm fine with that. I'm so down with that because who cares?

No, I need like a bedroom so I can rest my head. Just shut the fuck up and sleep on the couch. Dude, I took a nap on the ground today. That's some real tired boy shit. You're only real if you can sleep on the floor for like three hours. Oh, dude, we stay in a hotel room. I'll sleep on the ground. I don't give a shit. We stay in a hotel room with three people and there's two beds. I'll see you tomorrow. My back might hurt a little bit, but I'm on the fucking floor, dude. I don't care. Give me one pillow and a blanket. A throw blanket.

I'm gone. Doesn't matter. I'm out. But it's so fun to sleep in your living room. It is. The kitchen's right there. And like, maybe you got a, there's a candle, you got the coffee table. You just feel like you're at your aunt's house or something the night before Christmas is you're like excited. It's just

better. It's just better. The bed is kind of a trap. You know, you're the bed in your room is like, it's hard to get out of, but when you're sleeping on a couch, it's like, all right, I'm up. I don't know why, but dude, naps on a couch go crazy. How good does that feel? Fuck, dude. Couches are meant for naps. Especially if they're beanbags. Okay, let's keep going.

Loads, Addy. especially if they're beanbags okay let's keep going loads addy well i would have to say my current living situation is probably the worst i've had so far um after getting separated earlier this year i'm currently living on a queen-size mattress in our guest room which is you know the size of a walk-in closet and some other houses it's not quite working out with my lifestyle because i'm used to being on a california king and wow okay ten of me doesn't really know how to work on this little bed also wildly uncomfortable still having to share a master bathroom with someone you're divorcing it's very inconvenient especially when you accidentally leave toys in the shower. Have you?

Dude, one time. Okay, this is wild. One time I just like in high school, I went to a girl's house to change and then go do something. It was a girl I was like friends with. And she lived right by my high school. So I was like, yo, I'm coming to your crib to change. And then we're going. And I went into like, I was, she was in her room and I was like, I'm not going to change in here. So I'm going to change into like your parents or whatever the fuck this is across the hall.

When guys change, we'll go anywhere. Like I'll go behind a fucking, I don't care whose room this is. I'm going to be in here for 30 seconds tops i'll change in five seconds i don't give a fuck and i was just like i'm going in this room to change she's like no no and i went in dude and there it was it was their bathroom and there was so much sex shit dude i on the shower there were those like there are those like things that are like suction to it that you like hold on to. And I was like, bro. Is this like a joke? Your parents are fucking like this.

That's crazy. Too much. Too much. Too much. You guys need to jerk off and shut up. Am I like the least sexual person ever? I feel like I am sometimes. I like having sex in public. Like everybody do. I'm like, I don't really, uh, I just like having normal ass. I just feel like I'm gonna get in trouble if I do that.

Like I'm gonna get caught and arrested. I don't know. I'm just like, I'm a bitch, I guess, but who knows? I just like some normal shit. Really? No pressure. Um, yeah, but if you're going to get divorced or split up with somebody, I would dip. I don't, I couldn't, yo, we're getting divorced, but we're still living here. I wouldn't be able to get i'm that type of like attached person where like if if i'm with a girl and we break up and we still live together we're still dating like we're not breaking up until you live somewhere else like this is how it is like oh like i'm still gonna be like yo do you want some coffee do you want do you want to go out i i fucking hate you but you want to go to applebee's you live with me you're my girlfriend you live with me and we broke we broke up and we hate each other you're my girlfriend sorry

i don't make the rules babe but if you live in the same house like imagine But if you live in the same house, like imagine dating someone that lives in the same house with their ex. Hey, uh, guess what? You're cheating on me every night. Name one person who doesn't still kind of like their ex. I hate my, okay. It's because you love them. Everybody kind of still likes their ex a little bit even if it's one person you can't i mean you dude you liked them for sure for sure at one point you're not just gonna be like fuck you forever i'm never gonna think you do come on and you still live with them crazy shit come on babe come. Come on, babe.

Come on, babe. The Wi-Fi is so bad. I'm so sorry. Need to get that figured out, don't we? This is crazy. So I got kicked out of my parents' house when I was 17. Crazy. So I was still in high school, but I worked at a restaurant. And these college students who became my friends allowed me to live with them.

So it was me and like four dudes. And they had this extra space in the basement. in the basement so i slept on a twin mattress in the basement with like a curtain draped over like part of the beam so like as a wall and then this like cinder block thing i made a little shelf out of and i stayed down there for probably a whole year maybe two before um i was able to like find my own place and it was one of the situations where like they're all college students and i'm just new to this life um they're just like partying all the time i have to go to high school in the morning oh no. But it was definitely an interesting situation. A whole year down there, you stuck it out.

I swear to God, I don't know what it is, but I don't think it sounds too bad. But yeah, I would. I guess if I was in high school and I was living with a bunch of people who worked at a restaurant, I would become a piece of shit. with a bunch of people who worked at a restaurant, I would become a piece of shit. Cause like, how do you just, I've been in that situation where I lived in a house where people would party hard and I would just be chilling in my room. Like you're just sitting in your room. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, that's just going outside of your door you're just trying to like fall asleep watching sports center and shit there's literally 16 people outside your dorm going I'm like, I'm just trying to watch Bowling Green and Akron in here and fall asleep.

So fried, dude. You're scared when you wake up in the morning because you don't want to see what happened outside of your room. Yep, just locked in my room. Trying to the bowling green game that's crazy twin bed i don't know i don't know what it is but like i all fall asleep i'll fall asleep during a fucking concert doesn't matter i'm gone dude people who work at restaurants though though, are a different breed. I've been there. I'm not judging.

I've been there. I am judging. But I can only judge because I've been the restaurant guy. And that lifestyle is insane. Is it the hardest job in the world? I think it is. For no payoff. Is it the hardest job in the world?

I think it is for no payoff. I were just, I've never worked so hard in my entire life. Then when I worked at a restaurant, dude, it's just the memorization and the never leaving. Bro, I think I would be off at work at nine o'clock. Nine o'clock, you're cut. And I would stay until 1 a.m. I was just like doing shit. I was like, can I leave? Can I leave? No, you got to fucking do that in this and you got to do that.

You got to fill that up. You got to fucking mop the ground. You got to build the wall outside that got fucking wrecked by the tornado last year i'm like god damn when can i just leave then you gotta roll silverware i'm like bro my ass sweat is amazing and people who work at restaurants are so horny i'm like ew everybody that works at a restaurant, they all just, they all, dude, I did it. I dated a girl that I worked with at a

restaurant. Because I was like, oh God, what's wrong with me? I couldn't help it. I'm like, we're here. Like, fuck it. I love you. Do you have the 30s today? The 30s section? Oh, cool. I have the forties. We're right by each other. Guess what? We're getting married. Such a bitch.

But yeah, dude, that's just how it goes. Oh my God. This was, oh, here we go. Okay. So my worst living situation, I live in New York City. And when I first moved, I lived in Queens for like a year. When I first moved into Manhattan, I took a room that this guy had posted. Essentially, he advertised it to me. It's like he was only going to be there for like a week. And then he was going to be gone in like Columbiaumbia for like months so i was like cool i'll stay here for a few months so it was me and this other girl from the ukraine and like he had essentially made a wall dividing us it was made out of styrofoam this man was probably like in his

50s or 60s and he had just slept in the living room in a tent the entire time and he was always there he did not have a job i would like come home from work he would just be there um and he would always talk to me about like going to the club i would see him on tinder like in our living room in i guess his bedroom his tent bedroom living room um yeah he would always talk about going to the club and like how back in the day he ran a club and he was friends with p diddy um it was one of the creepiest experiences i've ever had and i don't know how i stayed there as long as i did my sister used to creep me out telling me that he definitely went through my underwear drawer when i was at work the bathroom so that just freaked me out more thankfully i only sit there for like five months but it was five months way too long that's a nasty one homeboy was in a tent in a house dude i think that's what

that that would actually be me that's me that's like my ideal living situation like camping but not camping camping but in a house that sounds perfect everybody's like want ideal living situation, like camping, but not camping, camping, but in a house, that sounds perfect, everybody's like, want to go camping, I'm like, fuck no, but like a little bit, if we weren't outside, dude kind of had his shit together, didn't he, that's why I can sleep and live anywhere, because when I was a kid, i did all i wanted to do even right now i just want to make a fort in the living room and watch a movie why does that shit go so hard a bunch of chairs a bunch of blankets and you're just down in there try to make a fort you trying to make a fort that's all i said when i was a kid hey you're trying to make a fort

dude when my oh my god i had a castle fort one time i hated putting it away it was so sad but my bitch ass would make a fort oh my in the living room while your mom's making dinner you're just chilling upside down like on the couch but it's a fort touching your own ass and shit trying to make a fort trying to make a fort bro me and i swear to god me and my best friend did it and we were in high school 16 years old made made a fort and just watch like girls gone wild commercials on tv while we were in the fort it was just so much better than laying on the ground watching tv right let's make a fort how many blankets did we have you know how many blankets you gotta have

to make a goddamn castle to make that tent you ever see like you go into a sporting goods store and you see a tent that's like oh that shit goes hard it's got like a bonus room in it you're like what are they doing in there i do want to like oh dude sometimes i see a tent and i'm like yo does that have a upstairs you know you always see those little things on twitter maybe it's just my twitter but i always see like a a tweet that's like uh yo wal Walmart's selling these like little mini houses for like $9,000. I'm like, I would buy that in four seconds. One of those little mini houses. Oh, you know what? You know why I like those little mini houses so much? Because when I was a kid, I wanted one of those playgrounds in the backyard more than anything. And I swear to God, my parents almost did it like three times, but like they just, they just didn't bro. Those playgrounds with the, with the slide and like the little like clubhouse area up top.

Oh. And some of them had the rock climbing wall. If you had that, you're a bitch. You are. Everybody had that a basketball hoop in the driveway in a playground in the backyard, dude. Suck my dick in there. That's crazy. Oh, and they all went to shit too. They all like you ever go to your friend's house and their playground in the backyard was just like like all fucked up and like like weathered i was like god can you guys clean this shit up i love a clubhouse dude oh fuck you make your own rules up there and shit you gotta have no what's the password that's my shit dude that's what i would do if i was that guy in that tent living in that house bro i'd I'd have so many like, yo, you gotta have a, what's the password? Why does that sound fun? A tent in a house.

Yeah. If you, if you're in a tent in a house, you are smelling people's underwear. That's just part of the deal, babe. Part of the deal. Let's keep going. part of the deal let's keep going what up bro so it's uh sounds like it's kind of similar to yours um in college i actually lived on the porch in my college house with like five roommates not too bad um i had two i had two space heaters in there in the winter. It got down to like 40s, maybe like mid-50s. I'd have two space heaters on the porch. Yep. And also funny about the living situation is I live with two brothers who are twins, and they slept in the same bed.

No! So that was an interesting uh living situation we would have parties like and we would have my like living room we would set up like a you know table have pong or whatever and literally like five feet away was where i was sleeping on the porch yep exactly dude sleeping on the porch sounds kind of nice you know because every time you spend time on the porch you're like it's very relaxed dude there's never high intensity on the porch if you're on the porch it's like hey shut the fuck up you know no complaints out here dog like it's a nice night i'm thinking about my grandma's house for some reason my grandma lived

like 30 minutes outside of detroit it was kind of a hood ass neighborhood now i think about it yeah it was bad okay not that bad but like it was just like old and hood big ass you know those big ass houses that are like wait i'm like damn there's a monster ass houses that are like, wait, I'm like, damn, this is a monster ass house. That was like it. And the porch. And then, you know what I'm talking about? Like a summer night. Oh, fuck. I'm about to cry.

Ah. You know what I mean? A summer night. And like, you can hear the bugs and shit. You can see the lightning bugs. This is some Midwest ass summer nights. But you're in the screened in porch you're on like like one of those one of those chairs that's like rocking but it's stationary oh you know i'm talking about it's screened in you can hear like the cicadas

it's like it's dark out but it's still kind of light. It's dark out, but it's still kind of light. Like in, like in 40 minutes, it's going to be so completely pitch black outside windows open. There's no AC on no AC on. It's just all dude. That's my fucking type right there. No AC dude. Windows open fans on. It's just all, dude, that's, that's my fucking type right there. No AC, dude. Windows open, fans on. Oh, you can hear all the outside noises without the, but you're inside on the porch and you're just chilling. Just talking about whatever. Nope. We're not talking about anything hardcore. We're not talking about anything we hate. We're not talking about anything we hate we're not talking about and we're just talking about like like easy stuff oh yo maybe like maybe maybe you're like are about to get some ice cream or something maybe you're about to get ice cream from the freezer like if you're like hey if your dad lets you that's my shit dude and like in the living room that's connected to the porch like

there's like a baseball game on or some shit that you're not even paying attention to it's just on the the cubs are playing the tigers or some shit and you can just hear it but no one's paying attention to it but you can just hear it oh bro i'm gonna I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry. Yeah. Big, big. Dude, the porch sounds good sleeping on the porch. It's like, wait, dude, when you're on the porch, too, it's like when you're a kid or whatever, it's like way past your bedtime, too.

But you're like, fuck it. We're just chilling out here. I'm big Windows up AC Or windows up fans on guy no AC Windows up fans on No AC For life No but it's like still kinda hot

Yeah if you're a bitch it is That's how That's how I had it growing up My parents didn't turn on the AC for fucking anything Yeah, if you're a bitch, it is. That's how I had it growing up. My parents didn't turn on the AC for fucking anything. It could be 198 degrees outside. 98 degrees. God must have spent a little more time on you. Crazy I think, I think about that song at least four times a week, that message in that song, you know what I mean? But it could be 200 degrees outside.

Nope. Windows up. We're not turning the AC on only turn my family only turn the AC on when we were, when my aunt would come over when like actual people would come over. We'd turn the AC on. But besides that didn't matter. You have your friend over. Yeah they're going to fucking suffer. Bro my friends would be like we're not coming over dog. I'm like why?

Your mom doesn't turn the AC on. I was like oh that's a fucking me problem. Dude. Windows up AC. Or windows up fans on or windows up fans on windows up fans on it just feels good it just feels it feels like summer when you have the ac on it just doesn't feel like summer anymore it feels like you're in a store just keep going my worst living situation was sleeping on a mattress on the floor of a basement. And this was not a nice basement. It was as bad as you can imagine. It took a long time to make it livable.

But I mean, a good part is that I was subletting. So like, I mean, if you're owning a house, you have all the responsibility. If you're leasing, you got some responsibility. For subletting, dude, I could burn that thing down and it wouldn't matter at all. I could tell the cops I did it and it wouldn't matter at all. That's my understanding of law. I want to sublet. A bad part is I had just gotten a girlfriend and it wasn't at a stable point yet.

It was at the point where, like, she might still be judging me. My friend said, nobody is sleeping with you in that basement. Relatable. Let's just say the basement didn't get finished. But I did. Ah, this fucking guy! let's just say the basement didn't get finished but i did bro that's my shit right there dude great voice message and i think you know who it was he's the main anonymously but yo that is so true i just want to know what every ex-girlfriend has ever thought when they walk into my living situation, bro, they're

probably like, dude, you're a fucking caveman. And I'm just like, I don't care. So not romantic. Everything I've ever done is so like, wait, dude i now i sleep and on my windowsill is a severed leg i don't give a fuck i don't care oh my god dude yeah that's funny. At the point where she's still judging you and you live in a basement on a fucking tiny ass mattress. I get it. When I lived in that house in the dining room with the twin bed, all my clothes were hanging on a rope in the basement, a rope, like from one wall to the other, there were hooks on the wall and I just fucking got a rope like from one wall to the other there were hooks on the wall and i just fucking got a rope

from lowes a rope like like some boy scout shit and i just tied it from one wall the other and just hung all my clothes on and the clothes were so heavy the rope was like dipping so my clothes were like almost touching the ground in the middle it was so stupid and the washer and dryer were down there so i do laundry and like wash all my clothes and then i'd get them out of the dryer and just fucking put them all over the ground like one girl was like where are your clothes at and i was like they're downstairs my dumb ass was like, you want to see? She's like, yeah. What was I on?

She walks downstairs. Each step of the stairs like, don't come down here. Don't come down here. Don't come down here. She's like, what was that? I was like, like oh it's just the stairs weird as shit downstairs bro there was a wrestling mat in my basement for no reason there's a big ass table with all my clothes on it. It looked like a merch table, a rope with all my hung clothes on it. And then just piles of clothes on the ground unfolded. And she goes, Oh, these are your clothes. And I was like, yeah. And she goes, do you want me to help you fold them? And I was like, Ooh, yeah. So I think we, I think me and this girl just literally folded my clothes and i was like

sorry and then she left a play has got to do what a play has got to do but yeah she was probably like you're insane you ever think dude there's got to be so many times when girls would be like, you're not okay. And I'm like, yeah, I know. Just keep going. I'm going to speed through this because it is a lot. I once moved in with a girl of about 10 years friendship from high school. I was renting a room.

She was going to be renting a room. I thought, let's not do that in the same city. Let's move in together. We did. I knew she had a history with drug abuse and alcohol. I also knew she had been to rehab for both. I wanted to believe that she had gotten better since I had known her for so long. Oh my God, she was not better. She would come home constantly to countless beer bottles everywhere, couldn't even be bothered to put them in the recycling bin. Every day she was taking, I'm not kidding, upwards of six hour long showers because she was either depressed, hungover, or both.

She was a nursing student who never fucking did any sort of work. I don't know how she was paying for rent other than the fact that our house looked like a goddamn hostel because of how many men were constantly in and out that were different every time. I ended up staying at my boyfriend's for a while because I didn't want to get lumped in with it. A guy she was dating broke up with her once and our neighbors called the police while I wasn't staying there because she was scream crying so bad through the house. I could go on she wrecked a bunch of my furniture i had to catch her from drunkenly falling into my fish tank a couple times this woman was a wreck i ended up moving out and staying in a tent by choice for the summer Hey. What's her number?

She's single. Dude, the fish tank. So many times with the fish tank. Hey, just don't have a fish tank. New roommate alert. I've never had a roommate like that. I've never. I've always.

And I could never be that roommate roommate i'm always too ashamed of that like the roommate that has a different person over every night to like bang i'm like i've never had a roommate like that i feel like it's it's crazy i would have to sit down and talk with them be like dude you're insane i would move out You're insane. I would move out. Don't you feel ashamed to have different people that in people are seeing you bring different people over every night? I could never do that for the sake of my roommate.

I'd be like, I'm so like, I can't do that, dude. Not even maybe two different people in the span of two years. That's crazy. Six hour shower. Dude, I bet you were so pissed off. I don't know if this is, this still happens, but remember you'd take a shower and use all the hot water. Is that still a thing? I would, dude, I would be the third person to take a shower in use all the hot water is that still a thing i would dude i would be the third person to take a shower in my family and it would be ice fucking cold because my sisters would take showers on 98 degrees god must have spent a little more time on you and then i the once it was time for me to take a shower there'd be zero hot hot water. And I'd be like, okay, cool ice bath. But whatever.

Cold showers are in now. It's hot. Fuck. Six hour showers. Depressed, hungover nursing student. Freezing your fish tank. And having different dudes over every single night. Sounds like every girl in college. Honestly, though. single night sounds like every girl in college honestly though how long does did she say she lived there that's crazy i don't think she said

oh they were like their friends in high school that's why she stayed there okay good for you for sticking that out but i would have dipped shorty guy that's been sick for 18 weeks straight all right i guess this is you know it's gonna be fucked up when somebody just starts with all right like they're already sick of it. They haven't even said anything yet. All right. The worst living situation I've ever had, which is currently my mom bought a shed six years ago, I guess. I like it.

I guess I like it She created a bathroom In it and then like Insulated it and put up a bunch of drywall And put a door in it And made it like a little tiny house right So I live here now And It's paid off

That's my cat in the background Sounded like a baby He just wanted to chime in On this living situation Cause he lives here with me. He's pissed too. There's currently no running water. I have to go over to my mom's to shower and do laundry. How do you have internet right now?

And it's really kind of hard to maintain, but I just, I still am thankful for it every day because I don't pay rent. So, you know, it's it's better than struggling elsewhere in a different way. So I feel also I had a studio apartment in Roanoke, Virginia. Sexy. The it was like three-story different type of thing. And we had the bottom apartment and the entire kitchen flooded. So that might be worse, but I don't know. Something about not paying rent is just satisfying. I don't even care what it is.

If you're not paying for it it's like yeah but living in a shed with a bathroom that your mom created created send pics of the bathroom i'd love to see like the zillow screenshots of that fucking place for sale oh, that's a good idea. A fucking shed on Zillow. I don't know. I don't know what that idea is, but you know what I mean? There's something there.

Not at all. I hate to say this, but. It kind of sounds like you live in a shed. Oh no. The cat, the cat in the background. Help. How come I don't really blame you though? Cause every time I see a shed, man, I'm like, can I live in that? You do too. You do too. Every time you see a shed in somebody's backyard, the first thing that crosses my mind is, can I live in that? Maybe it's anytime I see anything. I'm like, wait a minute. Could I live in that? Oh shit. I just got scared as fuck. Cause I looked under this table and I thought I saw a person.

Hey, and he's scared again. The amount of times I've been fucking scared during this podcast. I wish someone would make a compilation times. I've been scared during my own podcast and he thought he saw someone's eyes under a table. Now he's wants to end the episode. Wow. God must have spent a little more time on you.

Lives in a shed with a created bathroom in it. Don't know how you have Wi-Fi, but it's for free. Not going to lie. And you got a cat in there. Kind of sounds like a deal. Don't blame you. Just keep going. Okay.

I apologize for my voice, but I'm sick. Hey, so am I for the past year and a half. So last year, my now ex-husband and I decided we were going to get a divorce. Um, my now ex-husband and I decided we were going to get a divorce and we lived in the same house together for like three months after we decided that he just stayed in the guest bedroom. At the same time, we decided we wanted to get a divorce. My mom also broke off her engagement and came and lived with me. And then my sister ended up showing up and needed somewhere to live. So she also came to live with us. So my mom and sister were sleeping on a blow-up mattress

in the master bedroom when I was sleeping on the bed while my now ex-husband was sleeping in our guest bedroom. It was a great living. And a demon lives there too. And we heard him at the end. That one song. People that break up and live in the same house. How do you do it?

How do you do it? Maybe I'd be able to, but I I've never met a girl that'd be able to do that. Once a, once I, every time I've been like broken up with or whatever, or yeah, I don't, yeah. Every time I've been broken up with the girl is gone. She doesn't say, oh, well, maybe sometimes I just don't reply, but the girl would never want to see me. So I think you're still in love. Yeah. Break up with a girl and live in the same house.

Guess what? You're still together. It's the rules, babe. But your mom and your sister sleeping on a blow-up mattress? For how long? I don't care whatever anyone says, I've never slept successfully on a blow-up mattress. I blow it up, it looks great.

But when I wake up, I'm sleeping on the ground. Because it deflates immediately. I'm like, what? How does this work? And every time I'm blowing up a blow up mattress, you like, it's always so confusing. You have to like, cause you never do it and you never know how. So you have to like hook up like the machine that's like for like two and a half hours and it's always like 2 a.m and you're like fuck i don't know but we gotta blow it up somehow and it takes like 25 minutes to hook the machine up to the little port thing i'm like what are we doing i've never successfully slept on a blow-up mattress they suck dude

just i'd rather sleep on like a decent rug that rug that's in front of your kitchen sink i'd rather sleep on that i don't give a fuck bye man that sucks man that sucks that would drive me insane i would have to leave all day if i lived in a house like that i would leave the whole day i would be at whole foods in that little like area where people it's like a cafeteria area after you get your your uh hot bar meal that you kind of steal you go in that little area where there's homeless people because they've got wi-fi and outlets dude if i have wi-fi and outlet in a bathroom i'm good i'm good for three years wi-fi outlet bathroom bye found my apartment. So my worst living situation is where I'm currently living right now.

I moved in with my boyfriend three years ago and then we broke up one year ago and we still live together and we're not moving out until next April. Guess what? You're still in love. So, yeah, I live with my ex-boyfriend in a one bedroom apartment and one of us sleeps in the bedroom and one of us sleeps in the living room. There's no way. And it fucking sucks. Yeah, it's it's mad awkward and we're stuck.

We're literally stuck. There's no way. So, yeah, it's mad awkward and we're stuck we're literally stuck there's no way so yeah it's rough if i lived in an apartment with my ex-girlfriend this guy who's been sick for 48 days straight and probably 68 days actually if i lived in an apartment with my ex-girlfriend i would be like so are we having movie night? Like I wouldn't be able to just, just pretend that we were broken up. How do you do that? So are they having people over? You know how girls are after a breakup, bro? They are disgusting. Dude, girls after a breakup, we'll just like, what happens?

breakup will just like what happens guys after a breakup are like i'm just gonna work out girls after a breakup are like what is even happening dude just different dudes and whoa i would not be able to handle that i wouldn't be able to handle that yo you can't the one thing about one thing about our breakup is you're not bringing them here i'm not just gonna watch homeboy just walk in the house that i'm in i would cry but i'd actually probably be like what's up dog you trying to like play madden steal her boyfriend hey yeah you guys can fucking hang out later i'm playing i'm playing. I'm playing NBA live with your boyfriend. I could never do it.

How? I'd feel guilty going somewhere at night if I lived with my ex-girlfriend. I swear I'm going to the store. I'm actually going to the store. I'll bring home the receipt. Okay, this might be too late of a submission. Oh, girly. You're right on time. About two years ago, I moved down to Miami from Massachusetts with my boyfriend of around two years.

And the minute we moved here, he got swept up in the lifestyle and I was still working. And the only reason I'm diving into my relationship issues is because I decided to break up with him. The problem was this was still during COVID and it was also when everyone on earth was moving to Miami. So there was like no apartments available. So for three months, I had to live with my ex-boyfriend. He slept on the couch every single night and I like kind of lost my right to be like, Oh my God, you like left the toilet seat up and blah, blah, blah. I had to just basically act like he didn't exist for three fucking months. And then I finally got an apartment and had to move basically his entire home out from under him because it was all my furniture and everything.

But yeah, after that, I will never live with another person again. And that is my a single girl. OK, bye. Crazy. Who are we that's just why man i was so close to but that's why you don't move in with your girlfriend or boyfriend you just don't do it just don't do it just don't do it oh my god i was it. Oh my God. I was close, bro. I was calling people in my family, like, yo, should I move in with this girl? And they were like, um, yeah. And my family's the worst to like ever ask relationship advice about because everyone in my

family's relationships are like fucking weird. No one knows one knows shit if you uh the most non-committal no allegiance ass family of all time is my family and i was asking them yo should i move in with this girl they're all they're all like probably not dude i could have i could have been dating this girl for 17 years they'd have been like don't do it and they're right dude just don't do it just don't do it don't do it they're not the one hey next time if your girlfriend is like we should move in together just remember me saying this she's not the one it's the realest shit though i'm so sorry hey next time your girlfriend says or if your girlfriend ever says hey babe you want to move in together? Just remember these words.

She's not the one. She's not the one for you. You know it too, deep down. You know it. Last one. If it isn't the realest shit ever. Hey, Ben, I'm back with another story about living in a eight bedroom, eight car garage, two acre mansion in L.A. with seven other gay guys. Wow. who worked in the film arts photography industry and wanted to turn this huge beautiful space into a place for film sets music video and photo shoots and it was great we had celebrities over

all the time doing work you know we had models over we had um film crews coming in and out there was always events in the backyard but again i'm living with seven gay guys who work in the film and arts industry in LA. So the roasting and the drama and the arguments was just relentless. It was like next level toxic environment. And they ended up basically voting me out of the house, like voting me off the F boy Island, except it's my living situation because I was a woman and they wanted to have orgies. Um, and I wasn't really invited to those. So that's my worst living situation. Hope you like the story. Um, great to hear you back doing podcasts. um great to hear you back doing podcasts oh man thank you for the voice message but also i've been doing this podcast i didn't take a break

did i but uh yo if someone's having an orgy i feel like i would be so uncomfortable how do you just how do you just accept an invite to yeah i'll do it and everybody's just naked what I don't know. I guess I just have the most normal sex ever and I like it, but like, yo, I mean, how bored do you have to be to just fucking have an orgy? Like get a job, dude. You gotta have something better to do. You know what? Let's all fuck each other. I couldn't do it. I don't think I could ever do it. I would sleep through it. I swear to God, I would sleep through it. I'd be like, I'm good. Bye. You got voted out of your house by eight gay dudes. I'd be like, you're right. I don't belong here. Bye. Dude, eight gay, eight gay dudes sounds like trouble. Dude, eight gay dudes sounds like trouble. It does. One gay guy living in your house, like, that's a blessing. But eight?

I'd be like, holy shit, dude. That's just eight girls, and that's a lot. Dude. Vote it out of your own house. Pick up the slack, babe. Orgies? I couldn't do it. I just can't.

I can't even imagine. Bro, I went to a swingers club and my mind was blown. People are just sitting there naked. Sup? An orgy? I wouldn't know what to do. I would sit in the corner like a dog. That's what I would do during an orgy.

And just look at shit. I'd be like, oh, really? Bro, because I get turned off easy. Like if one person has like weird ass hair, I'd be like, I'm out of here, dude. This is fucking clown show. I'm gone, bro. His ass looks so weird. I'm out of here, yo.

Oh, my God. That's it for the voice messages. This rest of question of the week was crazy. I love this podcast and I love you guys. Thank you so much for leaving voice messages, but we got some more to talk about. Dear diary. Did it did to dear diary. I went toland for my birthday and i never do shit like this

but for some reason i was like all right you know what let's just fucking let it play and i told you about this a little earlier in the podcast but i smelled so bad like hour five and i couldn't take it anymore so So I had to give myself a fucking bath in the bathroom. I had to give myself a shower in the bathroom stall, but the whole day was, was fun. And I was with people that knew what they were doing. And that's why it was fun because when I'm in control, I, you ever just have a day where somebody is making all the decisions for you. That's, that's literally why I like reality TV I you ever just have a day where somebody's making all the decisions for you that's that's literally why I like reality tv because people are just telling you what to do all day

all right now we're gonna go over here all right no no no no no no no get dressed and we're go outside we're shooting a scene all right okay they're coming over everybody come down like I don't have to make any decisions and that's how it was at disneyland i was just like cool i'm doing whatever i haven't had a day like that in a long time where i didn't have to worry about like content i was just like fuck it let's roll it's fun dude it was really fun and oh my god i don't know how i didn't do it but the merch at disneyland i forgot I forgot about like what amusement parks were like they it was just a town it dude Disneyland is just a town of bullshit hey best ride at Disneyland I swear to god I feel like not a lot of people have gone to Disneyland because my demo is like Midwest and Disneyland's like on another planet the Pirates the caribbean caribbean i have no idea the pirates

of the caribbean of the caribbean ride if there wasn't a more i swear to god it's it was the most romantic thing i've ever been on in my life it's just like on like a, it's on like a stream. You're like a, you feel like you're on a river and you're in a boat thing. And I was the first car, you know how you're like, yo, yo, he's going to be like the, Oh my God, the first car and roller coaster has like a longer line kind of. Cause it's like the thrill. It's like, it's like more dangerous. I was on the first car and the pirates are like Caribbean ride, yo. And it was so smooth. And I swear to God, I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid. Like Disneyland, like all the rides are inside. There's like a couple of rides outside that slap, um, and credit coaster.

That right. That was, that was legit. And credit coaster went crazy. Like I was like, I could lose my shit on this ride. You know when you're on a roller coaster and you're like, oh, fuck. Shit's getting real. That's how it was. Like, halfway through the ride, I was like, oh, this is a fucking roller coaster. Yo. When you're starting to go through tunnels and you think your head's going to get chopped off and shit.

Every time I've been through a tunnel on a roller coaster, I'm like, there goes my head. And then it doesn't happen. I'm like, whew, another close one. There was a loop. Yo, your boy hasn't been on a loop in a minute. And this is my trick to roller coasters. Um, if I don't scream, if I don't scream like that, I'm going to throw up. So at every instance during the ride, every turn, every fucking whirl, every loop, every hill, I don't care. I just have to, because if I don't, I'll get sick. Um, the pirates of the Caribbean ride though. Oh my God. It was, I thought it was the most romantic night I've ever experienced in my life in this boat, on this river, the stars in the sky. There's like a restaurant right there too, that you can eat at. I like this is amazing we were inside of a warehouse

and the sky was fake i thought everything was real the people obviously they were like okay there's like there's like pirates of the caribbean people like and they're like robotic but god damn they looked real i thought i knew they were fake but like some of the animals i was like yo you can't tell me that's not a cat you can't tell me that's not a real cat you can't tell me it's not a real goat you can't tell me it's not a real bird like they disneyland can do their thing with like the mechanical shit we went on a star wars ride and of course we walk into this fucking it takes forever to get in there and then the guy explained the ride to us is like a guy from star wars and he's like you must

there's two pilots two gunners and two engineers and you have to and like it's like a fucking it's like the chucky cheese band you know like there's those like that chucky cheese concert that you used to watch as a kid it's like that but that shit looks so real there's this robot guy explaining the ride to us and everybody is like listening to him as hard as they can i'm just looking at everybody like yo this motherfucker is not real this is the dumbest fucking thing ever. So many gift shops at Disneyland that I can't, I piss my pants thinking about it. How many times did I pee at Disneyland? 487.

I bought four drinks at a star Wars bar. The receipt, the total on the receipt, $254. I love doing shit like that. I don't know why, but like sometimes I'm just like, fuck it.

$254 for four drinks. And they weren't even good. And I think I drank it in nine seconds. Disneyland. Went crazy. Best birthday ever. Best birthday ever. I said it, bro, is insane.

Bold move, dude. Everybody was in such a good mood there was nobody in a bad mood at disneyland i'll give them credit for that i had my doubts i was talking my shit about disney nobody was in a bad mood and there's like there's kids everywhere and i didn't even really notice and kids are are annoying as fuck. But after a while, I was just like, yo, let's just have some fun. It was my birthday. Everybody was saying happy birthday to me. I felt like a bad bitch at a bar. Oh my God. But it was like the ride. People were like, happy birthday, Benny. Cause my, my button said, it's Benny's birthday I'm gonna cry thinking about it alright show and tell

oh my god do I have pictures of this okay I went to my first party in LA and let me tell you um it was everything you thought. What did I go as? Let me turn my brightness up real quick.

A divorced mom. Dude, everybody was so sexy at the party. Everybody was sexy. Just everybody was hot. And I, of course, was a 40 year old single mom. Fuck it. You know how we do it. We go against the grain on the espresso pod. And everybody doubted me too. I had no costume and I was like, I can't, you know me, if I'm dressing up, if I'm getting, getting in costume for a party, I'm not going to half ass. I got to go in and all my divorce mom shit is in Indiana. So I'm like, fuck, dude, I had to rebuy. I don't have a car here. Everybody's like, you can't do it. The party starts at nine. It's six o'clock. I'm like,

this is my life. This is my whole life. And I'm about to show you, dude, in three hours, I got an Uber to get a spray tan. The spray tan place was closed. I'm 0 for 1, but I got to keep fucking chopping, baby. I got to keep chopping. All right. Can't get a spray tan, whatever. I'll be pale tonight. Then I go to Party City. Party City, for some reason, is 45 minutes away from Hollywood. What the fuck? Pull up at Party City. I got to find the wig. The wig, the 40 year old single mom wig. They have it. And you know, when something like you, you got your doubts about some shit you're about to do. And then like you see one sign and you're like, all right, I'm all in. That was a sign. I was like, I don't know if I'm going to be able to pull this costume off.

Boom. They had the wig on the day of Halloween I thought they're gonna be sold out of everything they had the wig bought it get the uber I gotta go to Claire's and get a bunch of fake earrings so I can put them all over my fucking face um Claire's closes in 20 minutes the farthest one is or the closest one is 20 minutes away I'm gonna get that the mall closes at 20 minutes away. I'm going to get that. The mall closes at eight o'clock. I'm about to get to Claire's at seven 59. Pull the trigger. The Uber cancels. Get, get another Uber. It's this guy in a Jeep. I'm like, yo, if I feel like it's a movie, I'm like, dude, we got to get to the mall in six minutes. He's like, all right, all right, all right, dude, floors it. We're in a Jeep Wrangler, but it's a movie i'm like dude we gotta get to the mall in six minutes he's like all right all

right all right dude floors it we're in a jeep wrangler but it's like the it's like the most soothing ride i've ever had in my life to the mall like like he had the pirates game on in his car his name was brad white guy in a jeep wrangler gray i was like this is are you my dad? He had the pirates app on the screen. It was like maps. Um, Apple music pirates. All right. Whatever. Pulled up at the mall. One minute left. I fucking, I don't know where Claire's I'm in a mall. I've never been in before, but I got mall sense. I don't know where Claire's I'm in a mall. I've never been in before, but I got mall sense. You're like, like, you know, uh, like Spidey sense. You just know when shits, I just know, bro. Like I know where the Claire's is just by like being in every mall ever and knowing I'm good with the mall. That's my happy place. So I walk in the food court and I'm like,

Claire's gotta be to the, it's like close to the food court. Always. Claire's always close to the food court. So I'm looking around. I spot it, dude. I almost jumped down from the balcony onto the first level. That's how like, cause I saw a girl like messing with like the display in the entrance. I was like, Oh, she's about to shut the doors. So I'm running in a mall. Don't care. This is for the costume. Don't care. Don't care. This is for the costume. Don't care. Passing people and shit in the mall. Run up in Claire's. They're not even close to closing. Like they're like they're they don't give a fuck. There's like 13 people in there. I'm like, oh shit. Pick out my earrings. Clip ons, baby. We're in the game. Fucking, I just buy a bunch of them because I'm not really sure what I want.

They're closing. I don't want to be rude. Okay. I got the shirt. I got the wig. I got the clip-on earrings. I got the sweats I'm wearing because single moms always wear sweats. Boom.

I still have time to go to Target and get slippers because single moms wear slippers. We know that. We're all single moms were slippers. We know that we're all single moms deep down. We know that. So, um, I go on the target app, everything, every store is closing in the mall because it's eight, it's like eight Oh five, but there's still people there, you know, but the, the stores are kind of closed. Some are still open for a weird reason. I'm like, why wouldn't you shut your doors? It's fucking eight o'clock. You're closed. Like on some retail shit, close your doors. So I'm, I'm in the food court just like looking at target shit. Cause I don't want to miss, I don't have time to miss. So I'm like looking at the, like I go to Google shopping whenever

time, anytime I want something, I hit nearby and see like what stores close to me have what. Target sold out of all their pink slippers. I'm like, fuck. And I see the next, the next pair of slippers on there is forever 21. I'm like forever 21. That's in the mall I'm in right now. I wonder if they're closed. So I fucking run again down the escalator, fucking passing people, looking at the fucking jewelry guy in the kiosk. He's like, why are you running? I'm like, I don't know. I got to get some fucking slippers, dog. Going to Forever 21.

There's so many slippers. And I'm like, fuck, dude, what do I pick? There's Disney slippers. There's slippers with like ducks on them and shit, and they're all, like, size 7, and I'm like, fuck. I could squeeze it, but, like, it's going to be uncomfortable. And I'm like, are these the only slippers you guys have to the employee there? And he's like, yeah.

But a little part of me was like, you're lying to me right now because you want me to the to the employee there and he's like yeah but a little part of me was like you're lying to me right now because you want me to get out of your store so i go rogue i don't take his word for it for the first time my entire life and i look for myself guys looking for things not a good idea but i did it and there was a little basket on top of like a display and there had Hello Kitty slippers in there. And I was like, this is it. Size large, which is like size eight, but fuck it. I'm rolling. I don't care. I don't care. Grab the slippers. Get an Uber. It's this Asian guy that is so cool. My phone's on 1%. Hey, do you have a charger, bro? He goes like this. He's got a charger in his, in between his fingers. And he's has a cool, he has like a

Polaris car or some shit. It's no Audi. He has an Audi. So my phone charges in like 17 seconds because it's a good car. You know, some, some, if you have, like, a Honda Accord and you try to charge your phone in it, it'll get to, like, it'll gain, like, 1%. But if you charge that bitch in an Audi, 100%. In, like, seven minutes. You can just tell, dude. Some cars charge phones better than other cars. It's one of those things. And this guy's doing everything, bro.

He's, like, so agreeable. He's so nice. I'm like, yo, can we stop at a gas station before we go to my apartment? And he's like, yeah, just let me know which one. And I'm like, really? Cause usually when you tell Uber people to like, you need to add a stop. They're like, no, they're like dicks about it. And this guy was like, yeah, just let me know what you want. We pull up at a gas station. Cause I'm trying to get like a polar pop to, to finish off my mom. Look, They don't have a fountain drink in this gas station. And he's like 7-Eleven across the street. And I'm like, I'll run over there right now. He goes, no, no. We'll go together. And I was like, I love you. We pull up at 7-Eleven. I grab a big gulp and a pack of cigarettes to finish off the look.

Did I want to smoke one? Obviously, just because. I hate cigarettes, but did I want to smoke one? Yeah, because it was a Camel Crush and it was cool packaging. And I wanted to pop that little ball inside. I get ready in my house, put my earrings on, put my wig on, put my, got my big gulp in my hand with like this much wine in it just to, just for the look. And I got the cigarette and I just, I'm waiting in line. All of these hot dudes, so many hot people. And I just look like the most

down, bad mom of all time. I'm waiting in this line for somebody to let me up to our section. Yeah. I'll pull up to a Halloween party in Hollywood by myself. You shitting me? That's the only thing I'm good for is doing things by myself. I'll see a movie by myself. I'll go to a fucking Broadway play by myself. I'll eat at prime 47 by myself. Macaroni grill. I'll be there at a table of four, pull up to a party in Hollywood, Halloween, hot people by myself, dude. We go and it's something about wearing like your clothes match your mood always. And when I'm in like relaxed, like fuck it clothes, my attitudes, fuck it. So at this party, fuck it. Everything, dude. I, and I was in character the whole, I, Oh my God, it was perfect. It was perfect. I could have nailed the fit a little

better, but it was a, it was a, the, for the first party i've ever been to and probably last we did our thing fam we did our thing oh and cringe moment of the week i'm with all the f boy island people the guys they're all there there's girls there everybody's hot all the f you know f boy island guys they're not they they're looking good bro their are out. And your boy has a wig on with, with septum piercings and shit, you know, single mom style. So I, I look, I'm completely not like anyone else and everybody's hot and I'm with the whole group and we're walking around and shit acting like we're celebrities. We're not. And this guy comes up to me goes yo are you benedict in front of everybody and i'm like because this happens like in indianapolis because like it's a

small like downtown you know i've lived there for fucking 30 years of course people are gonna say what's up but this is happening at a party at the w in hollywood i don't know you don't even know if that's a cool place or not but that's where it was and the suit goes yo are you benedict in front all air oh oh dude this guy yeah i think it's so cool i think it's i think i'm so cool and he goes bro i recognize you and i'm like yeah thinking he's gonna be like i've seen you on f boy island and seen you on tiktok and instagram and like bro i've seen your stand F boy Island and seen you on Tik TOK and Instagram. And like, bro, I've seen your standup. Like, dude, like,

like, like I'm, I'm like, this is my moment in front of everybody. He goes, dog, I saw you in line at party city 30 minutes ago. I go,

fuck. He goes, you bought that wig. Huh? I go, dude, get me out of here. Dude, bless that man. God, every time I think I'm cool, something like that happens.

And I love it. Oh, my God, it was perfect. And everybody that I'm with is like, God, you ain't shit. And I'm like, you're right you are right sir cringe moment of the week i love you guys bro i love this podcast so much let's do days of the week that i'm fucking off forever but just until next thursday fuck friday world jellyfish day okay okay jellyfish how come everybody except for me has stepped on a fucking jellyfish everyone i know god the way i do they really look like that i i just want to experience a jellyfish situation just because of spongebob god damn when they

catch him in those nets and shit the sound effects of spongebob you ever do that you ever just watch spongebob i know i know no one watches TV anymore, but like everybody's had a moment with SpongeBob. They, they all have an episode. Everybody I know watches it. Like it's just, it's fucking SpongeBob is the funniest show I've ever seen. But while I'm watching it I never laughed I never smiled I was just like this the whole time me watching Spongebob funniest show most entertaining show I've ever seen in my life me the whole time

Me the whole time. I don't know why. I was just so fucking dialed in when it was on. And I did this one time in college. We watched Spongebob. And I think we were high or something. And you just listen to the background music. And it's like, it's crazy.

Like, just forget about everything and watch Spongebob and listen to all the sound effects and shit. And you'll be like. Ah! You, like, have to watch it. it's like sensory overload it's weird anyway national jersey day oh how did he know he didn't know he just knew oh jerseys are my shit sneak peek i'm doing the n NBA city uniform, uh, ratings video again, this year, do it every year. Uh, if you know me, if you know me, you know, that I'm obsessed with uniforms. It's the only thing I care about ever. Yep. Like every time there's a game on i'm not watching the game i'm just looking at the players like uniforms and shit that's it that's my favorite thing in the whole world and i will say that

till i die like there was a clippers game on when i was at the improv the other night and these two dudes were like yo bro the lakers like they got it and i was like dude i can't tell you anything about anything that's going on but those clippers city uniforms are slapping and one guy got it he was like yo there's only there's only there's a certain amount of people that understand the uniform like situation if you're a person that knows uniforms, I love you. I love you. And there's not a lot out there, bro. It's like two out of 50 people like know what I'm talking about. But like when you can get down with uniforms, you're my favorite person. Housewives day, housewives day. Um, dude, if you're a housewife, like you just have it made.

A part of me is like, if you're a housewife, do something with your life, like get another, like you should be like doing something. How can someone just sit at home all fucking day and watch TV and shit? I guess I saw my mom doing that. My mom was like a house, but she always was like doing shit. Like, yeah, she'd have like a soap opera on, but she'd always be like doing something too in the house or like babysitting or like, I guess I was a little fucking kid. So I was there being an idiot and she'd like watch over me. But housewives that are just at their house, like by the pool all day, do something with your fucking life. That would be cool for three days. I can be a housewife for three days on the fourth day. I'd be like, all right, I got to fucking sell something on Etsy

or something. Fuck. I can't just sit here with white wine. Sandwich day. Hey, nothing better than a sandwich that somebody makes for you. There's nothing better than that. You making your own sandwich. Disgusting. I mean, it's's good but you're like it's just fucking thrown together you don't give a shit just but when somebody makes you a sandwich your mom your dad just fucking your when your grandma makes you a sandwich yo they put so much love into it. Dude, if somebody makes you a sandwich and it has a tomato on it, they love you. I don't like tomatoes though,

but like it's the thought. Dude, my sister makes unbelievable sandwiches for herself. My sister would make a sandwich on fucking pumpernickel bread. Turkey. A tomato. Hey, sprouts? Lettuce.

Two different kinds of mustard. And then a bunch of fucking chips on top. Cutting that bitch into triangles. Oh my God. I would never put that much pride into anything. Yo, I could, I would just watch her fucking eat that sandwich like a fucking pervert I'd be like Oh my god I've never seen anything that fucking good in my life And it's always like in the summer

And she's just like Lazily fucking Yeah it's whatever Bitch that's the best sandwich I've ever seen in my goddamn life you might as well put a toothpick in that bitch sandwich so good you gotta put a toothpick in it that's so fucked you know it's gonna be fire and there's a toothpick holding that bitch together saturday play outside day i've had about enough of being outside. I got a spray tan today. I live in fucking Hollywood. I'm not sitting outside and getting a tan. I don't have that

kind of time, an hour to get a tan. Who can sit outside for an hour and get a tan? Who? Unless you're a housewife. No, I'm getting a spray tan. I'm moving on. I've had about enough of being outside, dude. Okay. Okay. It's enough. The pool. Yo, bro, let's go take a swim. What the fuck? I'm sorry. I haven't been swimming since I was in seventh grade and it was against my will. I don't give a shit about swimming. I'll go swimming four times. That's it. That's it for me. It's one of those ones. It's one of those things. I only got to do it once. Camping, never go twice. Canoeing, never going twice. One time. Good. I'm done. Golfing. One twice one time good i'm done golfing one time good i'm done forever retired swimming it's in that category i know swimming's like a thing but like bro it's not a thing unless you make me do it because i'm not i'm not i'm not going Candy day Man I didn't eat any candy for Halloween

That's sad isn't it It is sad You know what I can tell you guys this now But I was looking rocked on FBoy Island And I told you the diet last time Rotisserie chicken everyday Chicken for three months.

Working out every day. That's it. Protein and creatine. The normal shit. But Nikki Glaser was like, when's it going to end? She looked at me and she's like, Jesus Christ, when's it going to end? Do you have to have 19 abs to be happy? And then she goes like this she goes you

know what when you give up you'll be happy and i was like you're right, he's sad, that was the realest shit I've ever heard my wife shout out Nikki Glazer for telling the truth that I needed to hear, Sunday, love your red hair day, day um i still i'll put up this fight until i die it's not red it's not red people with red hair i'm sorry who's the colorblind person that was like that's red hair it's orange i hate it when people get that fucking confused like the most obvious color. Those people, the people with red hair, their hair is orange, orange. Everyone with red hair, their hair is orange. I don't know what we have to do, what contract we have to sign. It's been orange since I was born and it still is today.

Who called it red? And now we're just rocking with that it's like the people who look at like the red like dude the one time I saw this on the internet and people were just letting it ride someone said the yellow light was orange and everybody's just like yeah that's yellow. What am I missing sometimes with colors? People with red hair. It was confusing me so much when I was growing up. That kid has red hair.

I'm like, his hair's orange, but I guess we'll call it red because I don't know. Maybe I forgot or maybe I was sick the day we went over this, but that's fucking orange hair. I know what a carrot looks like. You're going to call a carrot red. I don't know. Let's tell you national donut day on Sunday. Um, I feel like it's an always national donut day, but fuck, I don't know what it is with me right now. I don't know what it is, but I will do anything for a baked good. Oh, I'm a little fucking wispy slut for a baked good. Oh, I'm a little fucking wispy slut for a baked good. A croissant?

Take it in the palm of your hand and cup my ass with a croissant. And I hope all the air escapes from it. A turnover? Bro, I swear to god my mom would buy cherry turnovers from the bakery at like your just local grocery store have you seen those i was addicted there was no better treat in my life than when i'd walk in the front door and there'd be up that plastic container. That's it's so loud. Your neighbors can hear that shit. And there's four cherry turnovers in it. I'd get home from school and eat three just unbelievable taste, a cherry turnover. taste. A cherry turnover. I would eat that thing and be in disbelief the whole time. I'll do anything for a baked good. A muffin. But I feel guilty when I eat them. But a muffin?

Just a muffin right now. Oh, the privilege of eating a muffin, a donut. I feel like I have to climb a mountain to deserve a donut. That is the most shameful ass shit. Oh, the donuts with like fruity pebbles and shit on them. And you like, you see those donuts on Instagram. Sometimes I'm like, do I, do I have to be the president of the United States to deserve that? Like, who's just out here eating that? That's amazing. I don't know. I probably have something wrong with my brain. Daylight savings ends on Sunday. Who knew it started and who knows anything about it? I'll never know. But, uh, yeah, I'll never know when that happens. Daylight savings times and I'll never care, but all right. That's the show.

That was a fun podcast. I love you guys so much. Remember to watch F boy Island Fridays on the CW at nine o'clock PM. What if it was on AM? That'd be so fried. 9 PM CW F boy Island season three. 9pm CW FBoyIsland Season 3 Remember to join Patreon $5 a month For a podcast every other week Cause we gotta grow the club Babe

We gotta grow the club Cause one day This shit's gonna pop I'm telling you Right now we're doing our thing We gotta grind it out This is how it goes But one day this shit top tier. I'm telling you, dude, I'm not quitting. I'm not quitting ever until we get there. And we're gonna just saying, join the club

and kiss me every day, please. Um, what else? What else? what else what else uh if you're in la say what's up i'll be at shows i'll be putting them on instagram follow me i love you guys so much thanks for the voice messages the podcast keeps getting better and better we're talking f boy island next week we're switching it up i love it i love you i'll see you on the live stream on sunday see you next time all right fam