Espresso - wtf were u even doing in 2016

Episode Date: January 22, 2026

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That's what it's all about. Perfect gym clothes, honestly. I'm the new gym shark. Let's get to the question of the week. Espresso, quill, quack, quack, question of the week. What were you even doing in 2016? taken over. Yeah, baby.

Whatever you were doing in 2016, that's the real you. Mm-hmm. However you looked. Whatever your job was, that was peak you. Might not like it. But you're just going to have to deal with it.

That's you, babe. Doesn't it just seem like the start of everything? Like, I looked through my camera roll. There was nothing even in there. Like I had pictures of, of like, um, like half of it was pictures of like my apartment and stuff. Like there, there were like three pictures of me. I was like, all right. Okay. That's fine. A lot of shoes in there. Coach and JV football. So, so exactly what I should be doing right now.

Coach and JV football going so bald. The, the start of balding for me. every time I blink three hairs popped out of my head still do getting haircuts have super cuts dude that was the that was the the origin story of my baldness super cuts getting a haircut in there before a jv football game you're getting kind of thin back here yeah we got this product you can you can buy from us over the counter it'll really help it out you know how soul crushing that guy that is soul crushing

Every guy remembers where they were when they were like, oh my God, I'm going bald. Sitting in the chair. Super cuts. Worst news of my life. Thought about it every day since then. They've got like that camera they use that football practice to like film up. They like film behind the offensive line and all the coaches are standing back there.

Yo, it's just a camera for male pattern baldness. You know what I'm saying? Football people know what I'm talking about. It's that sky cam right behind the line of sky. Oh, yo. I didn't watch a play. I was just like, that's the back of my head. And it isn't insane that you never even see the back of yourself,

like your whole life, really? Your whole life. Who is that? Oh, my God, do you see the back of yourself in a mirror at a weird angle? I'm like, what a pussy. That's me. Can't stand the way I look from. Who knows?

Who knows what that even looks like? Oh, droopy shoulders. wearing Roshi runs, 2016, not doing anything really. So pale. So ugly. But hey, that's just me, baby. What were you even doing in 2016? So what I was doing in 2016, living with my best friend,

we both stayed in our separate rooms and communicated through text. Beautiful. I was going out with my group of boys. It was eight of them, aka I kept them alive by being. the designated driver. I got my apartment with one of my homies who left eating chicken bones all over the place. That was a weird experience. And I think that was kind of when I was humoring getting a big girl job.

I think I was working at Starbucks and Wells Fargo. That was absolutely terrible. And oh, yeah, and I was having some hair troubles. like the wigs to the weaves, like they were, they were looking a little rough. They weren't really looking natural. So I was getting into my black girl hair era. That was cute. Still trying to figure out.

Still don't know what I'm doing. So, yeah. Oh, yeah. And we, I think we were, was I drinking margaritas every day at that point? I can remember. That's either 17 or 16. I was drinking margaritas every day because people are stressing me. How?

Man, what a time to be alive. Oh, my God. Crazy. Yeah, everybody was so, we were so drunk in 2006, so much wine. What was I eating? Can you even remember that? Like, I've pretty much eaten the same thing for the last three years. Dozen eggs probably every day.

Chicken. Just me just demolishing chickens every week. Probably like 240 chickens a week. What was I eating though? Like I had like no idea. This was my diet in 2016. This was like, I thought this was a genius plan.

Just because like my sister's old boyfriend told me about it. Like how crazy is that like you really don't know anything until you like hear something? And then you just like, all right, maybe that's what I do. I would just like eat healthy during the week. And I didn't even really like I was on top of it. But I was like I was eating all. I was eating muffins and shit. Like why do I think muffins were kind of healthy?

I was even just like playing it safe all week and on the weekend I'd wild out. And at the same time, I'd be like, why am I not? Why don't I like look better? I keep worried. Like I wasn't doing anything to look better. Your roommate. Oh, yeah. I lived with my best friend roommate too.

That's such an easy thing. Don't have to worry about anything. Really weird when you like don't understand the roommate that you're living with. Oh, like in like in college, you got to like, you're like, what are you doing? I'm like so you're just going to watch TV all day I forgot that's how like normal I had to I had to leave so many times the part time jobs

the double part time jobs I think that's good that might be the way to go over a big girl or big boy job just the just a Starbucks every now and then you know God that's so it feels so good yeah JV football coach

and I don't even know what else I was doing working like for a radio station just the only way I can stay like with like a little bit of head space I'm not going to go completely insane have to be doing 15 different things for my head to work right I'm like no I need two completely different jobs

that like distract me from everything for me to not run through a brick wall 2016 let's see here I was a year into the job slash career that I have now.

I was not married, but we were living together, doing all the things, pretty much married. Oh man, I was childless, which is crazy to think about. And I'm pretty sure we were

we were hanging out, probably drinking every night. I swear. to God. Just kind of living life. No one knew. And yeah, I'm pretty sure that was all of 2016. Nobody knows what we did. Until I got married the following year. And things just went rolling from there. So that was my 2016. What were we doing? We had no idea. Who were we dating to, you know? Like, I don't even

think I talked to a girl in 2016. I promise you. There was one year I didn't talk to her. I mean, I was this past year, I didn't talk to a girl, but 2016, I was like, let's see if I can do it. Let's see if I can just go a whole year. No female interaction. Just talk to my family, my roommate, and that's it. I swear to God, I did it. I think I went out to eat with my dad like three times a week because I was like, I don't know. Bro.

What were we doing? We had no idea we were about to hit COVID. Oh, yo. The best time of our life. lives. Man, if I would have known that. I'm glad I didn't know. I'm praying to God there's a COVID in 2020. So please. Please China. Run it back. I know you can do it. Just what a feeling. When everything shut down, I've just never been happier in my life. That's how I think we should treat a lot of stuff. everything closes.

Like, I feel like they do that in, like, other countries and stuff. Like, I feel like in, in, like, Europe. Like, if it, like, rains, everything just closes for, like, weeks. I'm just making this shit. I have no idea. But I feel like if it rains, like, places should be like, not today. Like, your gym should be like, it's raining. What were we doing?

No one knows. 2016, the year I just listened to Ray Shrimmered, on repeat. I think I had a CD player in my car or something. Because I was banging Ray Cremmered. I was trying to put everybody on. I was like, yo, this is it. That girl is a real crowd, please.

2016, I was working in news. Hated it. Wanted to take a running leap from the fucking fifth floor window every other day. Ended up quitting, moving into film and television. and I had a tight little fucking body. Oh shit. Tight little body.

It's so true. Man, take me back to tight. We can get there. We can get back to tight bod. Just got to clean it up. Doing so much yoga in 2016. I was working in the news too. That was big internship year.

Went from real. job during the day to internship, got fired from the real job, went internship to just like doing stuff like JV football and radio stuff, just doing whatever. Working in a newsroom though is top three weirdest places you've ever been in your life. It really does seem like you're like people are playing a trick on you. You walk into the newsroom, I'm like, anybody alive? Is anyone, dude, everybody's freaking out. People typing away. I'm like, this seems so stressful.

There's people walking around. Dude, there's like makeup and you're just like, I don't know if I, I'm like, are we allowed to have fun here or not? Could never tell the vibe in a newsroom. I'm like, yo, can we be funny? Can we do funny stuff? Can we like say stuff? Or is everybody like going to die?

people are getting there at different times of the day I never understood that those people that wake up for the morning news they're getting they're waking up at like 2.30 a.m. I'm like hair and makeup get ready with me get ready with me to kill myself for the morning news I set my alarm at 2.30 I do my hair for seven and a half hours

different outfits every day I don't know I couldn't do it I couldn't do it I had my little, like, for the news, you have to, like, put your reel together. And you guys saw my reel. I was editing that reel to, like, you're supposed to, like, send that out to different, like, news. What is it called? Outlets?

No, new. I forget. But, um, I just couldn't even watch it. I was just like, I can't. I don't even know who that is, man. I don't even know. I don't even know who that is. I'm like talking not like me.

I'm saying stuff I wouldn't say. I don't even know who that is. And then I put together all the messups. And I was like, that's who I really am. And then I put, I had to put that out on Instagram. I'm like, I can't. I cannot show people. I cannot show people.

Me saying like, and then the Pacers went on a seven o row. I would kill myself. Bro, 2016. I was in college thinking, artists like Uzi and Tripi Red were like goats. Kind of. And I was also just doing lame-ass shit, like getting drunk. I know.

I didn't remember what I did when I did some fuck shit, smoking a fuck ton of weed. I think I tried LSD the first time in 2016. And I was recording a lot of music. Basically just drugs, football, and college. Yeah. God, you really don't know what you're doing until you're like. Honestly, like maybe 30. Or am I just the dumbest guy?

I don't, I, my whole life, I'm like, I kind of, kind of have a little bit of game playing when I'm 30. But still, every day I'm like, I don't know. I don't know, we're just doing it. We're just day by day. No, no clue what you're doing in college. Still blows my mind. first day of college. So, uh, you're 18, first day.

Yeah, right now, I'm your guidance counselor. Right now, pick what you want to do for the rest of your life. You're 18. Go. I remember sitting in there like, dog, I don't really know. And they're like, did you know you were going to college? And I'm like, yeah, but like, I don't know. Like, isn't the first year like, aren't we just doing nothing anyway?

Like, I was like, we have to pick right now. Is there something I can do that is like, A lot of things, he's like communication degree. I was like, that's it, boom. The degree you pick when you have no idea what you want to do with your life. Communication degree. How would I know? Oh, you want to do architecture?

How do you know that? Like, I kind of think I like art. Do I didn't even take a class? I didn't even take an art class in high school. And I went in there and I was like, I don't know. I like Nike jerseys and stuff. And the dude was like, what about art? I was like, I guess.

Dude, so dumb. What am I doing in this office? I can remember in college just taking art classes, but I was like, this isn't the art I want to do. I completely understand why people don't go to college. I'm like, yo, all this stuff, I mean, dude, I was drawing, like, with a pencil and paper, a hallway for, like, 75 days.

I was like, bro, I'm never going to do this ever again. why am I here? I don't know. I got to figure it out somehow. So I was actually serving a mission from the LAS church in Oklahoma City in 2016. I actually found out my dad died, so that was cool. What a year, man. 2016, did I go to church once?

Probably not. Did I probably film like a sketch in a church? Probably. can't, dude, I just remember a one time. I have like a, a weird memory of, I think my mom dropping me and my sister off at church. This wasn't in 2016. This is just like after we did, I think we did something bad. My mom, my mom pulled up to church, let us out of the car. We opened the doors, went inside and prayed and then went back into the car because I, God, I wish I, wish I remember what we did. But my mom literally, dude, you know you did something bad when you had to go to church and they weren't even doing church.

You know what I mean? When you go to church and the priest wasn't, nothing was happening, but for some reason the doors were always unlocked at our church. So anybody could just go in there and like pray if they wanted to. And yo, I just remember my mom was like, we're get in the car. God, what could I have done? almost I almost lit the house on fire or some shit but I remember getting in there putting a kneeler down saying like three Hill Marys

and going back to the car just quiet the whole way home Does anybody else do a shit like that? Hey Ben obviously not from the US I was in the army during 2016 Until 2018 Part of me thinks god damn You ever just think like damn I'd be so perfect for the army?

I talk so much shit about the army But like man I think I think I think I think I'd be a perfect fit But like in my dumb head I think I'd be like winter soldier You know what I mean I'd be like yo when are you guys giving us a super serum

Let's go Super Soldier serum when we get that I'm like I don't know they're eating pretty good. They're all working out. Like, I get why people go. They're with the homies. It's their choice.

Nobody made them go to the Army. They're just like, all right, let's get it. Some of that having a schedule. I think there's something wrong with my brain. I don't understand people that don't operate on a schedule, though. Some people that, like, every day, they're just like, yeah. And then I think, you know, you want to go to the beach? I'm like, you can just go to the beach on a Tuesday.

My brain doesn't work like that. I'm like, dude, I need like, there's got to be a lot of, like, first of all, you got to let me know like two weeks ahead of time if I want to go to the beach so I can tell you no. Because why? It might be an L.A. thing too, because people out here are just like, yeah, we're going to the canyon. I'm like, what?

Just because? We're going to take pictures. It'll be fun. Come on. What? We're going paintball. Maybe it's because I don't do anything. Back on the Forbes list, crazy.

I had just started a new career in dominating submissive American men for financial domination. Huge fetish in the U.S. And to this day, I'm still doing it. Men are suckers. Look it up. That's huge fetish. Yo. So like, what does that mean? If I type this in, what is it going to come up?

I don't want to get into this right now. Like, I didn't even type it in right. I googled dominating men in America and like a picture of the Alabama football team came up. I was like, I mean, was that like dudes that like getting like peed on and stuff? Because I mean, I mean, maybe I am into it. So my 2016 was a little bit up. and down. I started the year off getting

fired from my job. There it is. Because of a failed drug test after a workplace incident. And I turned 21 in April. Sorry, if it sounds like I'm reading this, I had to write everything down.

Oh, you're the man. I actually got my girlfriend at the time to smoke her first cigarette during the Super Bowl halftime. Whoa. And she broke up with me two months later. I was unemployed for eight months I love you My parents slowly burning through the

$4,000 had saved up No bills Which was nice so it lasted It was really the only year That I celebrated 420 I got absolutely stoned And then I went to a Cincinnati Reds game It's first time

Flying in an airplane Hey Um So you're Pokemon Go at the University of Cincinnati. It was pretty fun. Go cats. I started my job at Cracker Barrel in August.

I might have been too young and dumb to realize I was just depressed the whole year, but I choose to look back on that. Whole year is pretty fondly. There was no consequences for my actions, which was the best part. But yeah. Yo, were we all kind of sad in 2016? I don't remember being that happy. Like, nothing was like, hell yeah.

You know what I mean? Everything was just kind of like, uh, like I don't want to go back to 2016 at all. Like usually when I think of like 10 years ago, I'm like, oh, it'd be so sick. Like 2016, I'm like, I wouldn't really want to. Like our, like my furniture was bad. Like everything was just kind of like, I don't think.

I don't know. What do you say? He got a hot. Oh. burning through money at his parents' house, man, everybody's gone through that. I remember I got laid off from my job and I had to file for unemployment. I don't know if a lot of people have done that or not, but I was like, I have no idea what I'm doing here.

And then the government would just get or somebody would just give me money all the time. I was like, okay. But like, honestly, I was kind of like, it's not worth all the like the paperwork I have to do. I had to like fill stuff out all the time. I was like, I had rather just not even, Jesus Christ, bro. When it comes to paperwork, I'm like, this ain't even, are you guys even keeping track of this? Every time I feel anything out, I'm like, who's even looking at this?

I don't know. Getting stoned. Every time I ever smoked. I'd smoke and just be like, oh, yeah, this is why I don't do this. Okay, cool. And then like, I don't know. Seven months later. Oh, okay.

Yeah, this is what, okay. Yep, this is why I don't do this. Like, never got into Pokemon Go. That was such a little era, though. People were just like weirdly walking around everywhere. I was like, are this supposed to be? Oh, Pokemon Go. Is he homeless?

Pokemon Go. What are you doing in my bathroom? Pokemon Go. Okay. Man, 2016. 2016 was a different era. Like I'd say early 2000s, 2016. And freaking.

is this? Like 1990s were probably the best, man. Now today, things aren't even the same. Like, the world's different. And not in the best way you know, but 2016, I was enjoying being a teenager, being outside, drinking some lemonade, playing football, getting into weightlifting. Man, I was doing all that good stuff. But now, like now, man, the world's falling apart. Countries fighting. more than usual, more assassinations, ice, not trying to get political or nothing, but it's crazy, you know, with 2016, man, old town roads, don't even give me started on that. Freaking, like, that was the era, man. Like, I do admit early 2000s better than 2016, but it was crazy.

How it looked crazy. God. did that not sound like a cartoon turtle or something you think that was one of those voice bots Old Town Road Lil Nas X I mean did he start like the like

hip hop country I don't know but uh god I can't even remember what that dude said I just was hypnotized by his voice just kicka I was part of And I would go to Amsterdam for a techno music festival and then go to Berlin for another festival and some music and some clubs.

But that's what I was doing back then. I'm so scared to go to Amsterdam because isn't that where hostels are? I watched a movie Hostel one time. I'm like, I'll never go there. Oh, so people just trick you. They really make you think every place. Well, it's because I've seen two movies. But they really, like, every time I see it like taken, I've seen taken in hostel.

I'm like, I'm never leaving this country. Damn. They do, they're doing all that? Um, you need to like live a little. I mean, what for what? If there was a, if I was a billionaire, I would take a tour. Like, they have to have like a world tour. Can you go on a world tour?

I would do that. Like Carnival Cruise World Tour Just take me to every place I need to see Boom we're done But like other than that I mean I'm gonna get killed So 2016

I was 28 years old I was with my wife as of now You know we were on our second year dating I just finished my whole Club Going out days You know know he smelled so good.

Pretty much stopped at 27. I was like part of this promotion group. And I was doing it with my wife, you know, that first year that we were dating. And then we both stopped. And then, you know, by 28, I already had, I looked at my photo album. I went to five weddings in 2016, which is crazy. Because all my friends were either around 20 and 30 and everybody was, you know, going on with their lives and having careers and starting to get married.

So it was a big wedding year. And then, you know, what I was into was huge was Kanye West. I mean, he had me in a chokehold. I was a big Kanye West guy at that time. The Life of Pablo, the Panda, Panda, Panda, Panda, Panda, that shit, you know, was my fucking jam. I was wearing the Yeezy boost. I was wearing the Adidas Ultra Boost. Those are hard.

I had the long, you know, hemline T-shirts. Yeah, dude. That was that. The racers. jeans, I mean, that whole entire look or you do with the Chelsea boots, that was a big look with the skinny jeans with the Chelsea boots with the long hemline shirt.

I mean, boy, those were the times. God, dude, those long shirts in the front and the back. I was rocking those two. It didn't seem right not to wear them. God, what a, that was such a weird era. You're right, it was all, 2016 was Kanye West. I would bang Kanye OS on the way to my 9 to 5 job.

Just lit volume on. I would go to work at 6 a.m. just to get it over with. Our boss is like, you just had to be here. How many hours is that? Five. Five to nine. Nine to five.

How many hours is that? Three plus five. Eight hours. Is he done? You just had to be here eight hours. Dude, I would get there at 6 a.m. just so I could leave super early two or something. I don't know.

I can't do math. But it would bang life of Pablo in my car. And the songs kept getting better. Like I don't know. I can never listen to a whole album when it comes out. I think I did that with the Drake album one time. But I just every single, I'm like, yo, I hate this song. Then the next week I'd be like, yo, that's my favorite song.

Every song on that was a banger And they all they were also different The racer jeans The long hem shirts Big wedding year You're so right How come 19 of my friends got married I had no business

Being at any of those weddings Sure, yeah All right for sure Just the only guy Eating dessert during the reception Everybody during the reception Dancing having a good time Kind of getting drunk

I'd always be like Why isn't nobody eating these cupcakes 2016. It just reminds me it just being so pale. So pale, so dumb. Had no idea it was doing. Just a horrible haircut. Tita, Tud, tweet of the week,

not gonna lie. 11 minus 8. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Not gonna lie. 11 minus 8 equals 3. Still kind of hard for me to do. I don't know what it is with the 8s. I don't know what it is with 11s.

I don't know what it is with threes. When I'm like calculating time zone stuff, I'm like, okay, so it's 1 p.m. on the east coast. Dude, it literally, I have to,

I have to like close my eyes and get into like my concentration phase. Me trying to figure out what 11 minus 3 is. Even 11 minus 2, I'm like, are you sure? Are you sure? 10 minus 2?

It's all day, baby. 10 minus 2, my face. 11 minus 2? There's a lot of multiplication tables like that too. Something that just sits right with me. Just something about

5 times 5 equals 25. It's just that's poetry, babe. 6 times 6 equals 36. Nice. Nice. A little too easy, though. I'm a big I'm a big

8 times 4 equals 32 guy don't know why but it just is like yep right under there 8 times 3 is 24 just makes sense just makes sense

what is it 7 times 8 equals 56 always really like that one reminds me of like TV channels growing up that's how I remember it all multiplication tables I was like oh yeah that's Cartoon Network's 56 7 times 8 Cartoon Network Talk to me you ever have like you ever like miss a day of school

and they taught something and you just never learned it they taught one day I missed when they did the 12s the 12s multiplication tables I missed that and I just never learned them I was like uh I think I got like a 64% of the test because I was just like I don't know and I just never I still don't know any of them all the 12 I'm like 12 times 8, couldn't tell you. 74, maybe. 63. It's one of those.

Same with geography. I never, they never made, they never made me take a geography class in high school. I was just like, okay. Whatever you say, sis, guidance counselor, never. I was like, are you sure? Like, why, like, why me? Why me? I didn't ever want to ask because I never wanted to take one because I was like, that is like kind of hard to do. Geography. like those like all that little clusters that cluster of countries I just net I don't know shit about geography if it was for my life and somebody pulled a map down

and they're like tell me where Istanbul is I'd be like no idea art class either for some reason never made me take art class in high school I was like if you don't do it I don't know I was like I had to take 32 math classes Jesus Christ

Christ. It's two days. Back on the Forbes is crazy. Pocod Day. Slept on Slept on pattern. Can we get back into Pocod a little bit? They came out of those Pocod Nike shoes not too long ago. Dalmatians. Always works out. You wear too much Pocod, though. You turn into the Pocod guy. Don't be that guy.

You just got to have a little bit of Pocod every now. Nobody has it. Everybody's scared. They're just not doing it. Pocodot is, I guess I got a Pocodot. I got Pocodot shorts. I just bring them out, you know, just every once in a while. Really not sure if anyone likes them, including me.

Handwriting Day. She's a 10, but she writes like Satan. Never forget. Had a crush on a girl in college. I was like, I don't know. She might be like it, you know? You like think of the girl you're going to like marry when you're a kid. you're like, I'll probably like find her in college or something.

I'm like, what was that? It's like kind of her a little bit, you know? Went to her apartment, like with a friend to like study group. It's like, oh my God. This is like where this is like, I think we like each other, but this is like where it's going to like solidify it. Saw her notebook and her handwriting look like me drunk. It looked like my dad's handwriting.

I was like, ah, I don't know. determining factor. I was like, you can't have worse handwriting. And she wasn't even like, don't look at that. You know what I mean? She was like, here. I was like, oh, my fucking God. I hate that.

When somebody hands you something that they wrote down and you're like, I can't even read that. I don't know. I don't know. Saturday. Beer can appreciation day? God, can we appreciate Super Bowl beer commercials? Can we bring them back?

Can we do something like that again? peanut butter day don't even stop stop we're going clean till st patty's day but i can't even think about that right now peanut butter cookies in the bowl you're mixing it with the before they really turn into cookies though you know got the silver bowl full of the mixture got the eggs in there got the little cup of milk in there like got the what's stopping you from just taking a clump out with your hand i don't know if i don't know if i I could finish me. I've never made peanut butter cookies in my life. I don't think I'd ever get through the process. Like you set them on that cookie sheet to put in the oven. I don't think I'd get there.

I think I'm going to maybe put one on the cookie sheet and then I'd be like, I just kind of need to, I just need to kind of need to have this in my room by myself for a little bit. Just a purest form of peanut butter. Those Betty Crocker in the bag. God, I want to slap that bag so bad. You see that You always talk about this. Like literally. 2016. Ugliest we've ever been? The most true form we've ever been.

Wouldn't go back. I don't know if anything good happened. Let's do Coach P. Quarter of the week. Coach P. Coo-cook-cook. Quarter of the week. Own everything. No blame. No excuses.

The responsibility for effort in daily production falls only on me. Gonna cry and throw up. All right, I love you guys. See you next week. Ha ha. Bye.