Espresso - your dumbest injury

Episode Date: June 30, 2022

shot 217 espresso podcast i'm your host benedict polizzi right here it's my boy liam pinero you've seen him on tiktok this is eminem from tiktok that's an awfully hot that's all that's it me too now i just do polite cat calling on TikTok. I've turned over a new leaf. What is that? Can you tell me? You just wear a baseball jersey and- That's it. You just tell nice shit to people.

Ray, remember to join the Patreon podcast for one extra episode a week. It's worth it, I promise. Liam, right? It's only five bucks. I am a subscriber. I am a subscriber. I would say it's worth it. A lot of good content on there.

It gets a little crazy over there. It's a little- Yeah, you don't want to see the bloopers, though. There's one of me worth it. A lot of good content on there. It gets a little crazy over there. It's a little un- Yeah, you don't want to see the bloopers, though. There's one of me and Liam, actually. You don't want that. You don't want that. Yeah, we kiss every video we make. What if we kiss on this podcast?

On accident. I mean, what? Stay around to the end. All right, let's get into it. The Espresso Quick, Quick, Quick, Quick Question of the Week this week. What's your dumbest injury? Do you have one? Probably when I...

What? You solved it. Probably when I crashed the fuck out of one of these scooters down here and couldn't use my left hand for a week. Bro, didn't I send you a picture of that? No. I had a huge... No, because you couldn't text.

I was trying to text i was drunk but i was trying to i've never seen you are you drunk i've never seen you not dude i think about this every single day i swear to god every day when i'm in the shower i think of you and i think about when you go bro you know how much weight i gained over quarantine and i gotta say it say it 60 pounds bro 60 fucking pounds and i go why you just go bro twisted teeth now they got it 60 pump no now they got it it's every shower across from your house holy shit yeah hit me up let me snap in, hit me up. I'm going to be snapping you. Hit me up at Wobb World of Beer. Bro, what was I going to say? No, it was 60 pounds. I got up to... Wait, how'd you lose it all up?

I just stopped drinking it so much. And they made twisted tea light, which is half the calories. Oh, shit. That's when you know you're fucked. I felt like a real piece of shit, though. So I was like, I got to do something. I tiktok the other day and this lady was like cleaning her toilet and her bathroom floor around the toilet and the caption on the screen said getting my husband's bed ready after drinking one twisted tea bro i was like are you married to loom i went

from 180 to 230 that's so fraud but no one cared or noticed. I guess it's 50. It's 50. I must have. Well, maybe I was 175 and I said 55. Whatever the fuck. It's bad. It's bad. But you fell off a scooter. So I'm down to 204 now.

But yeah, bro, I crashed the shit out of my scooter. On what? I crashed into a flower bed. Of course, you're like, oh, sick. But of course, you think it'd be like a soft it's the one flower but they had a damn huge manhole in the middle of it so i just my hand just like scraped the manhole and it was like one of those graded ones who had like the holes and it was just like a freaking cheese grater it was like a cheese grater my hand was like flat bro and apparently

next morning i walked through my apartment lobby and the concierge guy is like your hand doing better i was like oh fuck i was like even he knows you knew about that he goes bro you came in last night blood gushing like i was like oh shit so that was even wrap it up or anything or would you just let it hang i just all i did was pour water on it that's what i do and i get hurt everything do you need a band-aid i'm like fuck it bro mo woke up the next day she's like you need hydrogen peroxide oh my god i was like oh so. Mo woke up the next day. She's like, do you need hydrogen peroxide? Oh, my God. I was like, oh, let me walk it off.

I was like, there's like grass in my hand. Fuck it rocks. There's a flower blooming out of it. Fucking crazy. Is that a mum? What about you? Oh, mine. Yeah.

What the fuck did I say? I remember. I don't watch your shit. Shut up. Quotes every video. Oh, mine? Yeah. What the fuck did I say? I don't remember. I don't watch your shit. Shut up. Quotes every video. Oh, no. It was like an intramural basketball game when I was in college.

And, like, you're not really supposed to play intramural basketball when you're on the football team because they're like, you'll get hurt. But we're like, fuck that, dude. So there was a girl in the crowd that i liked and another dude on the on like the other team like was just he was playing like really good defense he's like my best friend so he's just fucking with me like the whole game no oh yeah but he was always kidding around and fucking around too so there's a loose ball and i'm like going after it hard so i was like oh i'm gonna dunk it on this fast break in front of this girl. This dude goes hard as fuck at it too. And I'm like,

what are you doing, bro? We both collide. Fucking tore my knee up. We were both. No, just both. Our knees got like tangled up and we couldn't even,

we couldn't walk for four days. I had crutches, bro. How did you fuck up your toe like that? If you're watching the YouTube, if you're listening to home, I can explain it. It's basically a 90.

Get it out. It's basically bust the dogs out, bro. This is going to encourage people to go onto the YouTube, if you're listening at home, I can explain it. It's basically a 90 degree angle. Should I get it out? Bust the dogs out, bro. This is going to encourage people to go on to the YouTube channel. Subscribe. For two reasons. Go to YouTube and subscribe. He's showing his feet.

I know a lot of y'all want to see that. But the thing is, I don't know which one's which, so I got to check both feet because both of them are fucked up. You don't even show this on the Patreon type shit. Oh, yeah, I do. No, but it's literally like a right angle. I need to know how that works out. I need to clip my toenails, too. I'll spot you.

I'll spot you. Look at this, bro. Can we get in on that? Thumbnail? Bro, tell us the story of how it happened. Bro, it just happened. How does that just happen? Bro, it just did.

I really need to clip my toenails. Right before I put socks on to come here, I was like, I should clip my toenails. You look like you just like... But nobody will see my feet in like four years. You just kicked the fuck out of a tree and that just happened. Dude. No, like it just happened.

Like really. You have. It grew like that. Your feet look like they're in mid-transformation and like turning into a werewolf fucking foot. You know how you always show that transformation? That's a stranger thing. The fur starts coming out and like. Oh, it's always the feet fur.

It looks like it's mid transition my toe just took a left turn bro when I was 14 it was like your toe took an L Matt Quest feet Matt Quest feet I use Yahoo Maps

that's good that's good what a way to there's really no like what a way to get the show off on the right foot hey we're 10 toes down totally what a fucking bunch of idiots we are

so you fucked your knee up i fucked my hand up no but there's really nothing like there's really nothing that caused that unless i just didn't get new shoes for a long time my feet were just like pressing to get some size eights when i was like fucking 19 i still wear eight and a half though i still wear them they're cheaper youth bro now we youth feet on that ass every guy size 12 every guy in the world brown hair beard size 12 feet every single guy that's ever lived you guys got size 12 they're like yeah well 11 and a half bro if i like the shoe i don't give a fuck i'll wear a goddamn six bro i'll squeeze it 10 and a halfs before, if I like the shoe, I don't give a fuck. I'll wear a goddamn 10 and a half. Bro, I bought a pair of 10 and a halves before just because I like the shoe. It'll fit better.

You're like, I guess I'm 10 and a half now. I'm going to have your toe after it, but I don't give a shit, bro. All right, let's get into these. Yeah, let's hear it with the fans. Espresso question of the week. What's your dumbest injury? From anonymous. All right, here we go i dislocated my shoulder playing air hockey getting a little too overzealous wow zealous air hockey bro you put you you fuck with air hockey no because i always

think it's gonna hit my finger because i think it did once and i'm like fuck why am i playing this times have changed they've made some adaptations and modifications the paddles now a lot of them have like a little plastic lip that comes up like all the way up here really just hold the handle it's got a lip yeah dude and now they even got like plexiglass dividers on some covid shit that's not for covid but it's to keep it's to keep the fly pucks i really just like the air that came out. I always put my face on the table, and they'd be like, we're still playing. Sure, for sure. Air hockey.

I used to get crazy in some air hockey, too, man. I see how that would happen. Shit's no joke. Dude, but I haven't seen air hockey in like 10 years. Dave and Buster's. Oh, really? No, they don't. Yeah, they got like two.

I love Dave and Buster's more than anything. Do you fuck with it, too? Yes, bro. It's like on my favorite day i would go to david busters bro i love david busters you gotta you got a points card me too bro you're trying to play some fucking techin later i've got two points cards i don't know where the hell is that yeah i'll play techin dude i went on the men in black ride you ever get strapped into that thing yeah i played everything i've never been more car sick in my life. Bro, and if I lose... Why did that sound like I just shit myself?

I don't know. Good excuse, though. Oh, sorry. Anyways, what's the next? What's the next one? Bro, if I lose in air hockey, I'll be like, fuck! You're in the middle of Dave and Boston playing players.

It doesn't matter, though. I swear to God, I don't give a flying puck if they look... Ah, shit. It's the icing on the cake. What? God damn it. All right, let's go to the next one. Yeah, back when I was a kid,

I stole shoes from someone's porch and they caught me. So I ran, I sprinted... In Britain, you can... ...over some tree stump and I flew and then I broke my toe and they were still running after me. So I literally like I hid under someone's stairs on the house and then I called an ambulance. And then yeah.

There's another. Hold on. I have no idea. I mean, yeah, he broke his toe or some shit. Was that just me? yeah there's another hold on I have no idea what Andrew was yeah he broke his toe or some shit was that just me

yeah smashed my foot wait there's more shit yeah that's the second part alright let's do it part two and then for the next two weeks

I was at work I was doing light duties for two weeks and I was in crutches at work so and I never told my parents. My parents told me what happened.

I just told them I went for a run, and then I tripped over a curb. And I never told them about the shoes. Wow, even he was like, that sucked. Dude, what shoes were they, you think? Jesus Christ. Just fucking scuba diving flippers. He's like, that sucked. Dude, what shoes were they, you think? Jesus Christ. Just fucking like scuba diving flippers. He's like, I need these.

They were definitely Crocs. Hey, breaking your toe in Britain sounds like bloody hell. You know what I mean? Hey, but that's karma. That is karma. Listen, it better have been a great pair of shoes, man. How'd you even know they were your size? Did he even get away with it, though how'd you even know they were they didn't even get away with it though they were your size yeah when people steal shoes it's

pretty much a gamble steal shoes fucking three sizes too small i only have like still wear them there's a shoe so i wouldn't really even care dude i go through my shoes i wear the fuck out of them everybody's like dude your shoes are dirty i'm like i got them yesterday i've just been like outside so i like what are you guys doing your shoes to keep them clean do you clean them every night you you are a bit of a you know an animal you'd be roaming the streets like a motherfucker out here dude just eating everything 3 a.m he'll be walking in needlers i swear 11 55 bro get a tis tis trip dude i'm gonna charge needlers an appearance fee 11 55 to midnight probably should fuck hey man i hope your toe is doing better yeah for real i hope you got those shoes too

no dm dm what the shoes were because i really want for real let's keep going uh honestly it's probably a tie of dumbest injury between either i broke my wrist rollerblading and i didn't know how to stop so i um just like jumped in the grass area and broke my arm or i was riding my bike to school and there was like a huge hill and i went down the hill and the sprinklers turned on and I panicked and pumped the brake and I flipped over and knocked my teeth out like damn my whole like front of my teeth to that point I no more I couldn't even couldn't even ride a bike without thinking about that bro stay inside no shit one time i wrecked my bike in my old neighborhood and it was like i i hit the brakes like he did and there were like two

like girls in the front yard and i wrecked it and i just laid there for probably like two and a half hours because i didn't know what to do only gets fucked up in front of girls oh that's it dude dude face down for two hours there i he okay? I was just like... Just acting like you were dead. I had no idea what to do. I was like, I can't just get up now. That was like the worst crash ever. I broke my wrist, sort of, not really very similarly, but in a stupid way as well.

I was racing a kid in middle school, and we were on the basketball court, and it was a down and back, and I went to stop myself on the foam behind the thing. Fuck. Both wrists. Wrist. Left wrist. Luckily, it was my left wrist. So I could still write is what I'm saying.

Right. Definitely. But no, that was pretty stupid too. Because I was like, who does that? Yeah. Stopping in rollerblades like he was talking about is still like, how do you do it? Bro, fuck that. I was too scared to like put my heel down.

I just like have like a controlled collision with like the wall i just like i like wait until i'm a little slow and then i'll just like say fuck it and he's like did you make out the wall because aren't you supposed to use like a little rubber thing yeah the rubber that you press back on it's like literally a pencil if i do that i stop immediately and then i fuck myself up so i'm like i don't care whatever i do like jump into the grass a lot when i wear rollerblades not that I did like yesterday just around that's having the rollerblades with four wheels on them that's the only thing I'm worth a damn at the inline skates I'm not good with so hey I feel your pain brother unless

they were speed skates cuz okay Brink those are way easier let's keep going long story short i was taking my pants off to get in bed turned the light off too early i ripped my pants down and split my eye open on my desk chair and i didn't have health insurance at the time so i uh yeah i just butterfly stitched it and called it good wow himself holy shit fucking gi joe i would just let that shit rock dude bloody arm for two weeks what's up what's up dude i've almost fallen down probably every time i try to put on pants how about putting on pants it's crazy it's bad yeah putting on socks i'm like i see why my grandpa always did this on the stairs bro he definitely recorded that inside a washing machine did you hear the beginning if i could hear the tide the tide sport the tide the pod i almost injured myself fucking just now bro

it's the dumbest injury on a podcast fucking nine inches off the ground falling off a goddamn chair into a glass door let's keep going this is two of them all right so i'm a marathon runner um and i've been running long distance since 2016 i've ran now four marathons and in January of 2021, while just running on the treadmill, easy little six mile day, I felt something feel weird in my groin area. Long story short, I got a fricking hernia out of nowhere. Wasn't running hard, was running a fairly, you know, fast job, like an eight minute mile pace. And I get a hernia. The part that makes it really dumb

is that I was unemployed at the time because I lost my job during COVID. And like the one time I get hurt where I have to have surgery, I don't have health insurance. now i got a job now i have health insurance i can't uh get my surgery covered by health insurance because i was not covered at the time i got injured so yeah that was pretty dumb damn well now that i know everything about fucking health insurance sounds like they gave you the runaround you want part two yeah yeah damn all right yeah so that was a dumb injury for dumb timing for during something that i'm that i do normally so i ran five races with i still have i still have the hernia never got a fixed x it's six grand and i am saving

up for the money but i ran the boston marathon in april uh with a hernia but i ran in like three hours and 25 minutes so i did pretty good but yeah that's my dumb injury for you just wanted to say it's time i think that's a pretty good time i you know i'm jealous of runners man because i'm very bad at it but it just is have you ever ran a marathon? Fuck no. The most I've ever ran at once is five miles, and I was like 14. The PE lap? You can do anything when you're 14. Literally.

The best shape of my life. That was the most adult voice message ever, bro. No shit. He's saving up for hernia surgery. Come do my taxes. God. Remember saving up for cool shit when you were a kid? He's saving up for surgery. Bro, that sucks.

Half his paycheck. Low key a good time though. To the hernia fund. God damn. Hernia bottle in his room. That's a hefty price tag though. Holy shit. Good thing he was only doing just a simple, easy fucking eight miler.

Because otherwise that could have been bad. Tough mudder. Eight minute pace. Eight minute pace. I look like I do the tough mudder. Eight minute pace. Eight minute pace. I look like I do the tough mudder. Spartan race. Fucking hell. Let's keep going.

I was in like first grade at my big brother's baseball game. And I was running like around with like my boys and stuff. Turn around, smack my face on a tree. Had to get like six stitches kind of right below like my nostril. It was, smack my face on a tree. I had to get like six stitches kind of right below my nostril. It was the day before field day at school. So I had to go into field day with a band-aid across my fresh stitches

that looked like a band-aid mustache. Welcome to Nelly. Yeah, I was going to say, at least you look like Nelly. Field day, yo. How fucking... Jesus, dude. Field day. Did you have it? Yes, bro. What a time. It was like Jesus, dude. Field day. Did you have it? Yes, bro.

What a time. It was like the day before school got out. Nothing better. Nothing do. Bro, nothing. Just throwing water balloons and drinking fucking... Just playing kickball and pying people in the face. I was like, Jesus Christ.

Drinking Tang. Just kicking the glass. That sucks. But listen, I will say it's, it's all, it's not even that for me though. It's the phone, bro. I run into shit all the time. Just on my phone. I should run into so many more trees.

I'll be walking into traffic on that thing. Oh yeah. I should be so dead. Street signs, bro. That's how we're going to die. Did you know that? For sure. Just recording something stupid. Filming a fucking TikTok., bro. That's how we're going to die. Did you know that? Oh, for sure. Just recording something stupid.

Filming a fucking TikTok. Oh, God. Who's buying the... Dude, that's how I'll die. I'm just going to be doing a Johnson cameo with a gun to my head. We were talking about that the other day when we were filming our show. You were out on the street and me and Wyatt were talking about how that's how you're going to die for sure.

For sure. A thousand percent. Filming a video. 100%. Dude, I kind of think if a car is coming at me like moderate speed, I think I could like jump on it. Do you ever think about that? Like I'm not going to let it hit me,

but I could like jump on the hood and maybe like fumble my way off the back. All the time. Think about how you could survive like deadly scenarios. I'd go right through the fucking windshield. Like right now. And kiss the driver. Oh, sorry. Like right now, what if a shooter came in here? I already have a plan.

What are you going to do? Mic off. Mic off. Immediately, baton. Then I'd kiss him to distract him and just fuck him up. To distract him and then I'd just fuck him up. If I really got in a fight, like a real fight, that's my first move. Nah, dude, I'd take jujitsu right to the mouth. I'd just lay on my back as soon as he walked in.

Come here. Pin me. Pin me then. If you're such a big fighter pin me come kiss me i mean pin me what would they do though honestly has anyone done that in a fight an actual legit fight yeah like a street fight come on bitch come on and then you just bro if i was fighting someone i knew would probably kick my ass i probably like take my pants off or some shit oh you have or take theirs off. Oh, hell no. They'd leave. I won.

Exactly. Walk away, bitch. Just take it. Oh, you want to fucking fight? You want to go? Walk away, asshouse. Just face him with your ass. Beat my ass then.

The best fight ever. No shit. Imagine seeing that video. World star. World star. And Pornhub? I don't know. Oh shit. Imagine seeing that video. World star. World star. And Pornhub? I don't know. Listen.

Whoa. Hello. This guy's fucking business on the top. Look at his feet, though. Damn. Baby. I'm not going to be the guy that talks about people on the pod. That's not me.

Sorry. Let's keep going. Back to business. All right. If anybody has a dumber injury than this yes they deserve a medal so i initially tore my acl playing rugby and that wasn't really a dumb injury happens but i was about probably almost a month out of post-surgery and i was out with my roommate at the bar drinking obviously and we were walking home and we got into an argument about some dumb shit and he just

kept pressing my buttons so we got to our driveway and i ended up just turning around and punched him in the face and we got into a fist fight um and i retore my acl oh and the fist fight and had to get surgery again um yeah yeah we laugh about that one imagine now imagine tearing your acl twice bro shit i'd get surgery twice on my weird shoulder jesus you know i've never had surgery i've never had to be really i've had like 37 i don't even have my wisdom teeth taken out i still have my wisdom teeth and my tonsils i think my wisdom yeah me too i'm 25 it's probably why you're so wise but yeah i'm 25 and I still have both. Believe that shit?

Both? Yeah, I said both. Yeah, fuck you. He's a 10, but he says both. God damn it. Yeah, I don't know. I'm just never going to get my wisdom teeth taken out. Yeah, exactly.

Seems dumb. Tonsils? I have them. Just locked in there? Yeah. Bitches are there. Just doing nothing? Staying solid.

What a worthless ass invention, tonsils. What are you thinking up there, God, for that one? Yeah. And what's up with the gallbladder if we don't need it? What's up, appendix? Yeah. You got your appendix? Fuck yeah.

You got your gallbladder? Just ready to explode whenever. Dude, I know. So weird. Why do I feel like it's like a ticking time bomb? I know. It's like some people go their whole lives with it. Obviously, most people. But like, why don't I just like it's like a ticking time bomb? I know. It's like some people go their whole lives with it, obviously most people, but like,

why don't I just like, well, I'm just positive my shit's just going to, probably like my wedding and it's just going to fucking explode. For sure, that would be it. It's going to blow out of my fucking abdomen. Jesus. That's my dumbest injury. So it was my wedding day, all right, and then fucking my appendix exploded.

Let's keep going all right so the worst injury or most embarrassing injury that i had that no one really knows about so it's only embarrassing to me uh i sneezed no extremely hard and while i was taking a shower and i completely threw my back out on the shower floor in pain for 10 minutes couldn't move eventually had to crawl out and call off work for the day oh what a great fucking injury though whenever you have to call off work and you're not like dying perfect fucking injury though whenever you have to call off work and you're not like dying perfect day i thought he was gonna say he did it when he was like shitting and he like shit his fucking small i don't think i've ever sneezed in the shower you know i have really yeah all over the wall nothing are you serious yeah oh yeah that is a

good sneeze turn the head and then because you don't have to cover your... I have sneezed in the shower. And you're right. That's the best sneeze of all time. Just turn that bitch to... Just against the wall. Fuck! Yeah, and be so loud, bro.

Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck it. Shower sneeze is great. I can see that, though, bro. Blowing your fucking back out. Dude, I hold my nose sometimes when I sneeze, and I'm pretty sure my eyeballs are gonna fucking

pop out when i do that i've thought i've thought about that a lot so hard bro dude me too everything i do is just so obnoxious sneeze sneezing at home and at home sneeze bro there's nothing like it how about girls sneezing i'm like jesus christ what are mouse? Like, you're Chinese now? Are you doing karate? Yeah, exactly. You're gonna fucking crane kick me? Hold on, I have allergies. I'm like, wait. Fucking crane kick me? Or they're like...

Exactly. Like, wait, what? That wasn't even real. What did you just turn into? That wasn't even real. You just want me to say you have a cute sneeze. Don't fucking play me. Yeah.

It is kind of cute, though. Yeah, it is. Do it again. Feather. Yeah. Just fucking throw pepper at her fucking yeah do it again those people that sneeze 19 times in a row i'm like i said bless you after the second one i low-key do that too that's wild me and me and my girlfriend do this thing where we don't say sneeze off knees we say fuck you like every time seriously that's what it deserves every time either of us should be like fuck you and then i'll do the same thing fuck you i'm nervous i always think about sneezing like how come nobody's ever

done it like during a pro game or anything right like i've never been watching a basketball game on tv and the point guards like free throw yeah no shit on shit. On the line. Super Bowl. Tom Brady. Hot, hot. Hot, hot. Take off sides. Lose the game. Do people sneeze?

Blame it on Mucinex. Do people ever sneeze and shit themselves, though? That's got to be a thing. That's got to be, right? I know I've peed a little bit. A shnee? A shnarr? I don't know.

I'm not thinking of it. You've peed a little bit? A schnit. A schnit. Holy schnit. Yeah, I've peed a little? A schnit. A schnit. Holy schnit. Yeah, I've peed a little for sure. I always kind of pee a little. Everybody pees a little.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it just... Just like throughout the day, you're just like, oh, damn it. I just pee a little. Yeah. Turn the corner in Whole Foods. I just pee. That's why I wear diapers.

Same here, bro. He says, same here, bro. Why is everything I'm doing sounding like I'm shitting myself over here? You hear that? Every noise. I just schnit. God damn. bro why is everything i'm doing sounding like i'm shitting myself over here you hear that every noise god damn now you can really fart and nobody will know no shit all right let's keep going we always end up talking about fucking a few months ago i was carrying my niece around and i stepped off a curb and rolled my ankle, dropped my knees, snapped my ankle, was in a boot for almost a month. Dropped to his knees.

And my niece was very pissed at me. Oh, dropped his knees. Wasn't a fun day. Did she get hurt? I don't know. That was wild. I had to listen to that back. Next audio message.

So my uncle dropped me and broke my arm that's my dumbest injury he dropped bro i was just thinking the other day uh when i was with some kids i was like how do kids just not fucking get killed all the time people throwing them up like this kids and dogs don't get hurt bro like what speed is this never mind kids and dogs can run into through fucking traffic and get bricked by cars they'll just be like and cats bro you've seen the videos of cats falling 90 fucking feet just land perfectly just continue being fucking shitty at the world just continue being a little bitch you are hate everybody i hate every time a cat falls i'm like thank, thank God, dude.

All these cat people are like, oh, I love my cats. They're so much better than dogs. I'm like, they don't even like you. They're the devil. They don't even like you. I've never seen a nice cat. Even when they're being nice and they lick you, their tongues are like fucking fangs, bro. Their tongues are the hardest things in the world.

Their tongues are hard? Dude, have you ever seen a cat's tongue close up? No. I'm going to Google it. You can keep talking. Cat's tongue. Old cat's tongue. But he dropped his... I wonder how many curbs have just wrecked people's lives. For those of you listening at home...

Cat got your tongue? Google it. Google a cat tongue. Yeah, look it. They got these fucking like bristles on them. Oh, God. They have demon tongues. Yeah, to like fucking clean themselves I guess. I don't know. No, that's a hairbrush. That's what I'm saying.

Like, even when they're being nice, they're still fucking your life up. I feel like I just fucking... Just got rug burned because my cat licked me. Exactly. I got sandpaper

rubbed all over my arm. Let's keep going. Yeah, let's keep going. How many are there? Let's keep going. About six or seven more. Ooh. Nah, let's keep going.

This one right here, it's not even a... Not even a thing? Just play it anyway. This one's four. Four? That one was nothing. It's a movie. I don't know how to do this, but I have two really dumb injuries.

One of them, I was at work and we had sliding glass doors. And I was sprinting back and forth at three in the morning. This was when I was doing work and we had sliding glass doors and I was sprinting back and forth at three in the morning. This was when I was like doing news producing and someone shut the glass door and I didn't realize it. And I ran face first into it and bounced off and I broke my nose and had to keep producing my show again at like three in the morning with blood running down my face because no one was there to help me. And yeah, I broke my nose in two different places and I had to get a nose job on my work's dime and that was a really bad one. And to this day, I still get made fun of for it. And there's like signs all over my old work

that say this is glass, like don't run into it. Holy shit, who's Windexing those? Just painting the glass. Keeps going. Stupid bitch. Second one was county track meet in eighth grade. I was about to win, I was about to win like 100 hurdles

and I tripped over the second to last hurdle. I was like three ahead of everybody else and I tripped over it and obviously didn't want to fuck up my face. So I put my arm out and I broke my arm. I dislocated and fractured my elbow. Had to have surgery.

Ambulance had to come pick me up on the tracks. This was in front of like six different schools because it was our county track meet. And that was also super embarrassing. So I don't know which of the two I think is the worst of my injuries. Dude, track is just embarrassing. Did you ever run track?

Talk about standing around for six hours. Do you want to come come to my track meet i hope you have your whole weekend blocked off jesus christ you can watch me you can come out for six hours and watch my 30 second event yeah that's all the way at the end of the whole meet dude during track i used to literally do homework the whole time that's all anybody did Just on the fucking midfield on the football field. Just fucking working on vocab. Wear pajamas until you have to run and just do homework. Track is embarrassing, bro. Holy shit. No, yeah. You gotta give me. Like barely

wearing clothes. I'm slow. You gotta give me props. Everybody's here. Everybody. There's girls on the team. What are we doing? She had some good ones. How about running into the door, bro? Who hasn't? Who hasn't who has dude i fucked up my screen door like when it's dark out and you're like it's just that's the the lighting outside yeah bro if you're in a place with other people and they shut it and you left it open blame it

on my dog shit my mom's like what the hell happened to the door i was like junior it's fucking junior junior is hungry that's rough rough i didn't even do that pause off holy shit pause no those were good bloody had to keep producing man hey way to stick with it you ever had been like super injured and had to like actually do something like she said she had a bloody nose and she had to produce a show you ever had like a... Did you ever fuck yourself up flipping a house? For real, though. You just get to like slam shit? Yeah, that's the best part.

Because my dog Liam's an actual house flipper. So you're just in there wrecking walls with a sledgehammer? Yeah, the demo. The best part of... I love that shit. I'm not talented enough to do any of like the... I can fuck shit up. I know.

I'll like take all the shit out i'll be in the kitchen smashing cabinets bro i would love to see that bro you can come to the next one but uh yeah and then after all that's like all right time to call a contractor see anybody the whole house is demolished you're like all right um my work here is done we destroy it and then take all that shit out because i got a nice dumpster plug too so we'll do all the then we'll give them the demo and removal. Then we'll give them like the blank slate and we're like, hey, we can't do this shit though.

So can you like give us some cabinets and walls back? Thank you. Please. Yeah. The wall I broke down? Thank you. We need that again. Sorry.

Thank you. No, but I don't think I have, man. Really, my worst shit was I was like so young, I didn't really have any super important obligations how about you um oh i had to serve at the restaurant with hives on my face did you eat some shrimp oh yeah dude i eat shrimp there every day two sides of shrimp every day i eat it in 17 seconds and then go back to work bro people take lunch breaks i was like bro i'm eating it i'd put shrimp in my fucking pocket dude i swear and work at the restaurant dude i like every time i went up to the table i'd be chewing on something i was like

in your mouth what's up how you guys doing hey can you guys give me a heads up for what drink you want because i'm gonna have to google it before i know shit give me every table guess what i said when i got to every table what what's up no but for real but uh yeah dude and i ate some shrimp one day that was like undercooked i guess and i just had hives the whole entire night people are like are you okay and i was like i don't know but here's your fucking hush puppies i don't know but here's your straight up cup of fucking vodka. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They're like, this drink's too strong.

I was like, why are you complaining? Yeah, right? It's a bang for your buck. It's also supposed to be an old fashioned. Oh, seriously. I looked it up. It seemed really complicated. Yeah.

Just too new age for it. Enjoy your vodka. Enjoy your college drink. The amount of times I was, I was a frat boy bartender for sure. Frat boy bartender. Holy shit. Those are the best. Those are for sure the best, bro.

How are you complaining? Shit. It's a Jeep thing. Oh, I had to do... Yeah, you wouldn't understand. But I had to do a podcast one time right after I got my hair transplant. That hurt, bro. Shit.

I don't even know if I used headphones when you were Lincoln Burroughs. Yeah, when I was G.I. No. G.I. No. Holy shit. I might go back to that. No. That's kind of hot. All right, let's keep going.

Dumbest injury I ever gave myself, hands down, is like summer, sophomore year of high school like 2007 my mom is like I just met these two girls on a golf cart like driving around you need to go with them and like makes me go and I'm so like with these two random girls driving through like back country roads we like go to the gas station get drinks and they're like taking me back home and I'm on the back of the golf cart there's like two railings to hold on to but I'm only like I'm on the back of the golf cart, and there's like two railings to hold onto, but I'm only like, my drink is in one hand, and then like I'm not holding on with the other hand,

and we take this really sharp left turn, and I fall off the back of the golf cart, and I just like come to on the pavement. My entire left side is like burning, all torn up. There's blood on the pavement. I twisted my ankle and they like i don't even know these girls they don't even know me i was so embarrassed i was trying not to cry but definitely dumbest injury i've ever given myself you ever flipped a golf cart

or anything no actually it seems like that i got kicked out of a golf course though oh i didn't get kicked out i got my driving privileges revoked. Yeah, I'm surprised I don't do that a lot more. The guy came out and he was like, hey, you can't drive anymore. If you're driving, you guys got to leave.

If I see you driving again, what are you doing? All you guys got to leave. Just fucking drifting that bitch. Trying to. Getting close as fuck to the water. Oh, yeah. Literally trying to hit my friends with it.

It's the only reason to go. I got invited to a golf outing. It was just in the golf cart the whole time. I was like, I thought people did this. Yeah, I thought that was like half of it. Bro, golf to me is becoming apparent to me that golf is kind of a degenerate sport. I thought it was for fancy people. But all my friends and people on TikTok go out there and get fucking hammered at 9 a.m.

and fucking whip the shit out of a golf cart that's funny i'm like maybe i should fucking go golfing no jerry you're just drunk yeah bring some you just want to drink at night drink some twisted tea i'll go i'll go anywhere hang out in the clubhouse go anywhere clubhouse what's worse though she said in the beginning what's worse than your parents making you hang out with some weird fucking people that you don't want to hang out with it's just every time you're with your parents. Bro, they're like, go hang out with the neighbor's kids. Oh my God. God bless.

This is not an actual example because my neighbors are actually lit. I did have some weird neighbors at some point in my life. All neighbors are weird. Bro, fucking hate that shit when your parents are like, go be nice. Go play. Go play with them. I'm like, fuck. Guys over there talking to a tree and I'm like, God damn it. It's. Go play with them. I'm like, fuck. Guys over there talking to a tree

and I'm like, god damn it. It's a tree that you're just throwing knives at like two days ago. Oh god, don't tell my mom about that. Drinking his water bottle with his mouth all the way around the bottle. So weird. Instead of the one lip in. I kind of have been drinking like that lately.

You drink like you're literally about to die. I do. I think I do everything. I'm about to die in two minutes. You eat and drink like you just got back from an island. I swear to God, dude. I eat like fucking Castaway Guy. Like I've never seen it before. Is there any food that you don't like? I'll eat it.

Well, since I've been doing these videos where I try all that fucked up food, like now I'm just like, all right, I can eat anything. I'll probably eat anything. That's true. I don't like anything. Yeah, that's weird. I know. I don't like you like like corn dogs.

Corn dogs are good. Corn dogs, chicken nuggets, mac and cheese. That's just anything you'd eat when you're six. Anything I can put in a fucking air fryer. Don't have to cook. Yeah, I just go to the kids. I find all the moms in the store. I'm like, this is probably good.

I like eggs too. Really? Just eggs with everything. I'm like, yeah, I'll throw some eggs in this bitch. I don't care. They don't get old. Right? Like, bro, there's so many ways.

I ate nine eggs the other day in one day. And I was like, damn, am I going to die? Is this okay? Bro, I go through some eggs too, low key. I put them in and on everything, bro. It's like a filler. I just didn't feel like going to the store and buying food. It's just more food that way.

More food that way. Whoopsie. Let's go. Let's keep going. Ooh, DJ. I got a little submission for you for dumbest injury uh last summer i was uh doing all drinking and ended up at a bar called pbr i know they have them uh throughout the country but it's a pro bowl riding themed bar sounds fun and. And yeah, I fell off the mechanical bowl and sprained my elbow. Yeah, not great.

Bullshit. I call a bowl on that one. No, dude, those mechanical bowls get kind of nasty. I've been on them before. Yeah, me too. They're fun, dude. I like them. Of course, I was like, I'm not falling off.

Bro, I was like, there's no chance I fall off bitching a full nelson easier to fall off than you'd think huh oh i was i was hanging on with everything i had bro i was sweat back sweat just on point my ass was out and shit bro just trying so hard dude you do it at fucking under the oh at the cadillac ranch yeah dude were you alive for that teeny and bartini's and cadillac ranch bring them back i did it at a mayor listens this podcast so oh shit hey get it done you know there's a new bar there now it's opening on like june 24th it's called nevermore what's it called because we'll go there 19 times in one night it's literally called nevermore i literally think it's like fucking edgar allen poe themed it's so weird i'm trying to see how i can't wait to go

i know just walking with a crow feather pen all right they're here uh get the fucking twisted tease nevermore dude there's no lights you just walk into the candle. Yeah, literally. There's no drinks. It's just a poetry slam. Yeah, exactly. It's a poetry slam. Holy shit. Alright, let's keep going. So my most embarrassing injury

was May of 2019. I was traveling from orlando to san francisco for a conference so my classmates at ucf and i we all went as a group it was great we got there at like 10 a.m had brunch and for some reason i kept telling myself you know what I really want to go on the golden gate bridge so my friend and I got on these like electric bikes from the marina up this bloody damn hill onto the golden gate bridge we get there halfway this cop pulls us over and he's like listen this is for pedestrians only. You either have to walk the rest of it or turn around and go on the other side.

So we walked the rest of it. And then we... That was part one. There's definitely six. Yeah, this sounds like a whole fucking movie. This is the second one. This is the sequel. Then we took pictures at the lookout point.

Then you had to bike even further to go to this tunnel to get on the other side, to actually bike the other side of the Golden Gate Bridge. So we're biking, and you have to bike around the pillars of the bridge. So we biked around the first one. These other bikers are whipping it like it's no tomorrow so when we get to the second pillar i took too tight of a turn i fell off my bike like dumbass and i scraped my knee and the handlebar went straight into my shoulder i didn't go see a doctor till like nine months later and they told me i have a torn

labrum oh shit are you my dad and i still haven't had surgery yet it's not the labor so that's what happened to my injury oh god the bike bro what happens in sin friend holy shit yeah it sucks not that the labor was a tough one man you'd know a shoulder boy oh man dude my my bone was sticking on my shoulder so bad it looked like a literal hot dog was in my arm i swear it was so i wasn't even gonna get surgery either just the most guy thing ever i was like this is how i am now my mom was like you have to get that fixed fucking frankfurter no shit yeah but uh the old bike bike strikes back the bike strikes the old huffy i kind of missed riding a bike i haven't rode a bike in so you know they're so expensive not the mongoose they are what isn't bro holy shit but bikes are like 600 bucks now i'm like

i used to get that shit for like 70 right yeah you ever ride a bike just in a store you're like mama need to try it out riding a bike you're like by the cantaloupes all of a sudden riding riding a bike in the walmart while shooting a basketball into the fucking hoop yeah with the plastic cover rolling out plastic cover knocking everything off the shelf somebody coming up you need to leave once i invented that plastic cover i was like fuck they're like this will get them. This will get those fucking kids. Still trying to shoot, though. This will get the fucking kids. That would have went in. Yeah.

Little kid. Just hanging on the rims and shit. All right. Let's keep going. Let's keep going. Are you going to add my snap? Or like, I'm waiting. Oh, my God, dude.

Yeah, Ben. No, I'm not on Snapchat. It's probably, she she's gonna fucking start talking my catfish you're gonna open her snap yeah benny's gonna no we'll run that one back are you gonna add my snap or like i'm waiting, so much sex voice. So like call 1-800 those commercials like

real late at night when you're growing up real late at night right before the girl warning girls gone wild bro quest dating sounds like you've seen a few we're doing some mommy all right let's keep going

dumbest injury submission here we go so it was in florida we were on a family vacation and my brother and i were in the pool we were getting kind of drunk and decided we wanted to kind of wrestle maybe box a little bit I was having him try to help me teach me how to fight and he said come after me and try to hit me and when I hit him I think I hit him harder than he was expecting and he kind of reacted and then busted out my tooth and then i ended up needed to get a crown and a root canal on uh actually two of those tooth teeth uh where he hit me so uh it was kind of a dumb injury um but yeah there you go i didn't listen to the first half because i'm still laughing about the guy who came up to this window and asked me and him if he

could park there who do they think you are? I was like, am I security? I'm the worst security ever. You're fucking Joe Hogshead? I'm Mitch Daniels all of a sudden. When people look for you, Ben, when they need help with anything. Oh, what a disaster. I don't know shit.

The worst person. I look like I don't know anything. What a disaster. What time does Don't Ask, bro? Who knows? I never knew what time. The worst person. I look like I don't know anything. What a disaster. What time does don't ask, bro? Who knows? I never knew what time anything was growing up. What time's practice? What are we going to don't ask him?

Jeez. But I want to run that one back, but it was kind of long. Tooth hurts. His brother knocked his tooth out. His brother said, come after me. And then he came after him. And he hit him harder than his brother thought. And then his brother reacted and knocked his fucking chin.

You ever lose a tooth on some dumb shit? Never, bro. Did you ever have braces? I had Invisalign. Thank God. Damn. Does that hurt? Yeah, bad.

Really? Especially for mine. My teeth were fucked. Bad. Wait, did you do it recently? No, I did it. I did it. The dumbest shit ever.

I did it right after I graduated dumbest shit ever i did it like app right after i graduated high school i started doing it instead of like while i was in high school i don't know but yes i always wear braces my teeth were awful just for the pants just red and green on christmas you motherfucker i would love to red and blue go rebels i did some dumb shit i ate a chicken patty with hummus on it and completely destroyed my tooth really yeah my dad lost a tooth eating Jimmy Jones like how does that happen I didn't like bite on anything I think his was like an olive pit or something hey like that's you're always that thing that

you're eating and it's like gets hard all of a sudden you like you bite down so hard you're like ah my dad's so loud he was like god damn in the middle of jimmy john's i'm like fuck bro we're getting kicked out of jj's freaky fast yeah but no i always think it's a ring like somebody you know yeah you know you put like a ring and like a cake and they're like will you marry me just biting the fucking... I always think it's a ring from Kay Jewelers just in my mouth. He went to Jared. Every kiss zails. Zails, bro. Alright, let's keep going.

Keep going. This is the last one. Oh! Alright, that's good. Yo, so... I was on a dirt bike this one time. Hopped on one. After a long day on the lake, drinking and shit, whatever. Everybody's drunk. This is my episode and try to get the bike started should have took it as a you know sign it didn't start the third time

fuck it you know um anyways i fucking took off next thing i know i'm in the hospital with two broken legs and an obliterated ankle long story short it resulted in me losing my left leg and your fucking license i would assume i would assume god he lost a leg is that the guy on the wheelchair that's what i was thinking about holy shit dude hey you lost your left leg i guess he's all right hey what a use of the look at him nothing's funnier than that shit i promise what a use of the word fucking obliterated that really paints the picture doesn't it dude how about somebody that doesn't give a fuck so bad about losing their leg that they end the voice message with

can you imagine losing your leg and just being like whatever he literally has he's fucking hopping around broke both of his legs at least he's got a good attitude or right you gotta yeah i looked at his instagram it says uh in his bio pro bmx below the knee amputee and then it has like a prosthetic leg emoji 12 18 21 damn recently damn dog i'm sorry to hear it but i'm i'm really glad OG 12, 18, 21. Damn. This was a go fund me. Damn, dog. I'm sorry to hear it, but I'm really glad you got a good attitude about it and shit. And you're just like out here being cool.

Also, I found it. It's on Ben's windowsill. Oh, shit. Yeah, he'd be super offended. I'm like, come to my apartment. He's like. Still got some blood on it. Oh, it's fresh.

Good for you staying positive, man. That's tough. The old leg, man. Way to go. I always wanted to ride a dirt bike. Parents wouldn't let me. I only wanted to ride a dirt bike because that Disney... I couldn't even drink Mountain Dew.

Motocross. I couldn't drink shit. All right. That's it. That was good. That's the pod, everybody. I'm glad you guys are all okay. Yeah, everybody's good. Everybody's fine. That was good. That's the pod, everybody. I'm glad you guys are all okay. Yeah, everybody's good.

Everybody's fine. We're good. Espresso Podcast Shot 217. Thanks for listening. Follow Liam on TikTok. Yeah, please. And we might be in a couple TikToks together soon. Foreshadowing.

Remember to subscribe to the YouTube. Join Patreon for one extra episode a week uh subscribe to apple podcasts and spotify and okay i'll talk to you guys next week all right fam wind it up