Espresso - your "i'm not him" moment

Episode Date: May 4, 2023

On this episode benny reacts to your "i'm not him" moment (like a rapper who forgot how to rap)🎟️ 𝗕𝗘𝗡𝗘𝗗𝗜𝗖𝗧'𝗦 𝗨𝗣𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗡���� 𝗨𝗣 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦Boston, MA Thurs 5/4https://wl.seetickets.us/event/Benedict-Polizzi-800pm/532615?afflky=LaughBostonSupport Benny (get an extra episode and LIVE STREAM every Sunday!)🔒𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi 🔺𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://www.youtube.com/@espressowbenedictLeave a rating and review boo🎧𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso/id1514492317 

Nothing more alpha than finishing having sex with toilet paper balled up in your nose. Upcoming stand-up comedy shows of Boston? I'm coming to your city, girly. Tonight at Laugh Boston, get your tickets in the description of the podcast. I'll start the show. I'll start the show Shot 261 I'm your waitress Benedict Polizzi And today We're gonna figure out

Your I'm not him moment But first Hey remember to join Patreon Five dollars a month For an extra episode Every single week And a live stream

On Sunday nights Are you fucking kidding This guy does that too His Patreon's like that He's like that live streams are getting way like dude i was showing my toes on the live stream my yellow spray tan toenails were just on youtube youtube live link patreon live stream i'm telling you i'm telling you we're doing it all bro it feels like a big sleepover.

You know those sleepovers where you gotta be real quiet because your mom's down the hall? That's the Patreon live stream. So join every Sunday night. Ask me anything. Are you shitting me? Ask me. It doesn't matter. We're asking.

It was like an all-star team of people in there last time, dude. We got people, people from the Instagram DMs randomly joining my Patreon, sliding in the live stream with funny ass little comments and shit.

I love that. I love it, bro. So pop on. Was that the bitchiest way to drink something? So pop on, live stream, join patreon and then like in the in the patreon episodes too are like there's a whole different vibe than this podcast you know i'm talking about like some personal shit i'm talking about the like traveling to like different comedy clubs the people i'm meeting there like the fans and shit like that like there's some patreon people

that just come to the shows and they'll like whisper in my ear like this lady like there's some patreon people that just come to the shows and they'll like whisper in my ear like this lady like there's this lady in the front row of the show i did in tampa and i was like there's nobody over 40 here but this like older couple in the corner like what is going on so i was like messing with them i was like telling them to take their shoes off and shit tell them i was gonna suck on their big toes and shit like that just you know normal stuff and after the show i was like she came up to me and she's like, Hey, and I was like, what, what's up? Hey, yeah, yeah. You guys in the front row. And she's like, she came up to my ear and she goes, I pay $5 a month for an extra and I was like you know it was like that

but like no it's just yes join the Patreon podcast is all I'm saying five dollars a month that's it there's a lot of shit going on there but yeah and if you're coming out to the Tampa like if you came out to the if you come to any of my shows I love you there's a group of people that came to the show and at the same

time in unison they all look at me and they go with arms wide open and i was like yo i got some fire ass fans and everybody's like not to mention not to be creepy or anything but everybody's so hot all the fans i'm like you guys look good hold on i gotta turn this light real quick time me so i'm fucking i'm a spaz you ever have that moment of realization? You're like, I'm a fucking spat. Like, I'm a, I'm a psycho. But yeah, the fans popping out to the shows. I love you guys. And you guys are so funny, dude.

Like, I love it. Like, this girl came up to me after the show. And she's like, hey, you did a really good job. And I was like, thanks. And she goes, but I want my money back. I love shit like that. Dude. And everybody has the funniest shit to say after shows. I fucking love it, dude. I mean, I went on this big rant on this podcast about people that show like other people, their kids. Oh, you see this picture. Look,

look at this picture of my kid. Oh my God. And like, you're like, oh my God, he's so cute kid oh my god and like you're like oh my god he's so cute and shit like that like how old is he like can he walk what's he said was his first word like shit like that but in your head you're like dude i don't give a fuck about your kid you know obviously nobody cares about your kid right am i the only one hey nobody cares about your fucking kids ever, ever, ever. I don't care if your kid's George Washington. I'd be like, sick, bro. Doesn't matter. Don't care. Your kid's Shaq.

Cool. He's not in my life. Don't care. But he came up to me and he's like, yo, great show, man. And real quick, this is a picture of my kid and i was like just love you guys man love you when i say we're kissing after shows we're kissing after shows i don't care who you are your girlfriend's with you i'm kissing you you. She's not involved. We're kissing group kiss,

but yeah, I'll see you guys in Boston tonight. Um, Hey, what's your, what's your, I'm not him moment. It's your, I'm not him moment. I have a lot of them. My whole personality is pretty much. I'm not him. I'm not him. When I go out for drinks, let's get a beer. I'm not him, bro. You know what I'm getting? The sexiest, fruitiest, bitchiest thing on the menu. Not him. Not him. So watch the game. You know, I'm going to be doing, I'm going to be sitting on the arm of the couch like this on my phone, probably eating like Skittles or something. Not him.

Can't do it. I can't be him. I can't be him. Being him is a crime. And if you think you're him, you're not. You're her. i'm her but my i'm not him moment and let me like let me let me explain what this means like when you're him it means like yo like lebron is him lebron's him right sometimes he's not him i guess but some people are just like i'm him bro like i'm trying to think of an i am him moment

maybe if you like get away from from a cop like when you're on the date or something with a girl in your car and you like fucking lose them or some shit and you just go home happily ever after like you're kind of him you're kind of him if you lose a cop with a girl in your car playing it cool too like the music's on the same volume the whole time you got fucking lenny kravitz on in your car with a girl next to you and the girl's like this guy's pulling us over and you're like american woman stay away from me or just a sec american woman mama let me see don't come back around my door i don't want to see your face no more let me know you're in my die someone else can't ride now woman you pull away and the girl's like you literally fucking lost him and you're like oh yeah yeah

oh he was he was behind us to begin i didn't even see him then you pull in your driveway you're kind of him it's a him moment of him it's a him moment that song slaps downloading that shit right after this fucking podcast uh but my i'm not him moment all right so couple drinks couple drinks couple drinks a girl that I think is V attractive. You know, we're cool. It's not like that. But of course me with a couple of drinks in, I'm talking like two glasses of wine, maybe three, maybe, maybe, maybe one bottle, like edging on a bottle, you know, which like, when you think about it, a bottle of wine, like not that much, that's like what three glasses. Like that's like a, it's a, that's whatever you can operate on that. You're a little fuck. You're a little stupid, but you can operate on that. She messaged, she reacts to something on my instagram and i'm like oh shit dude

this girl said something oh my god and i'm like i'm with the f boys at the time i'm like what should i say back you know because these guys have game and also i want to know like what they'd say in the scenario like i know what i'm gonna say but i'm like yeah what should i say back you know like give me a few like i know what i'm gonna say but i'm like yeah what should i say back you know like give me a few like i get a few because they're my boys bro so they like sit and i'm like yeah okay yeah and then like we get carry on whatever you know not really just playing it playing it low-key i'm not like yeah and then what oh my god i love you yet so. So I have a, you know, it's like nine o'clock right now. So then like midnight rolls around and, you know, we're kind of faded.

We're kind of loosey goosey. We go home. We go back to the crib. Got the F boys. Everybody's there. We're chilling. We're just by ourselves. Like kind of winding down.

Might go back out. We don't know. we don't know we don't know we're in miami saying it like i'm not completely terrified of miami we're in miami i'm so scared of miami i'm never going back but we're feeling good like it's loud now like the boys are back in fucking town now and i think she dms again she like now it's starting to starting to be a little bit of conversation because i'm like letting loose a little bit i'm like yeah like you know just you know how you are like when you're when you're a little fucked and she's hitting back too so i'm like is she into this and i'm like i was pulling this move for a while bro dumbest move in the books don't do this i was pulling this move let me facetime you real quick

who is this guy who the fuck is all of a sudden I'm FaceTime guy? Worst face ever. My face is red. I'm sunburned. I'm kind of drunk. My eye, this is what I look like FaceTiming. It's just like every time I FaceTime somebody, I'm just looking at what I look like in that top left-hand corner. And it's just my fucking, I'm like, that's what I look like like and all of a sudden i'm facetime guy with shorty the girl the girl bro i have no idea what i said on that facetime but it went on entirely too long i might have cried i looked like shit i was bloated and at the same time like my dude jabrian was uh in the room because we like shared a room and he was like dude shut up he said that like four times so like i was i was just out here saying shit low-key probably confess my love on some like funny shit not like

for real probably for real and i don't know i didn't i didn't like talk to her but then like uh two weeks later uh i saw snapchat of her with her arms wrapped around young gravy at a pool party in las vegas and i was like oh i'm not him i'm not him. I'm not him. I'm not him. Do you think you're him? You think you're him sometimes? Guess what?

You're not. That's my I'm not him moment. He thought he was him. And every time you think you're him, what's going to happen? Something really bad or you're going to accidentally injure yourself and probably tear your ACL. I've had an I'm him moment like that before. I was playing basketball. It was like an intramural game in college. Didn't really care. We was just kind of playing to play. Hey, you want to be on our team? I was like, yeah, why not? Fuck it. Everybody else is doing it.

Guess I'll fucking play basketball at night when I really don't want to be on our team i was like yeah why not fuck it everybody else is doing it guess i'll fucking play basketball at night when i really don't want to at all oh girl i like shows up to the game well this changes absolutely everything now i'm michael jordan because you know dudes once a girl is there everything fucking changes doesn't matter dude like i'm not gonna try dude shorty was like she looked good and she was like on the women's basketball team like fuck so now i really gotta like i gotta prove to her that i'm kind i scoop it up clear breakaway i'm like yo bitch i'm dunking this shit like i'm kind of at that phase in my career where like if it's like a perfect lane I can dunk in a game. Perfect lane. I'm not bragging here. I'm saying like, if there's no one in the way and I feel good, I've had eight hours of sleep. I had a banana that day.

There's a lot of variables that'll make me dunk, but it was hitting and she was there and it was fucking right in front of me, bro. And right when I pick up the ball and look at the fucking orange rim and I'm like, I'm going for it. My best friend from the fucking other team like dives, hits my foot, tore my meniscus, bro. I'm not him. It is what it is, baby. Happens every, it is, baby. Happens every... It happens every time when I see her. It happens every time when I think of her.

It happens every time when I try to impress a girl, I tear my ACL. I'm not him. But yeah, every time, yo. Every time I see a girl, every time I see a celebrity, guy or girl, bro, I just crash and burn. I'm not him. Crash and burn. Let's hear yours. Let's figure out how you are not him

here we go so the way i found out i was not him was took this chick on a date you know delightful time a couple hours steakhouse shot the shit got to know each other had her laughing the gigs the whole nine yards and yeah you know dropped her off dropped her off. Very next morning, she's like, hey, had a delightful time. I think you're really great. But don't we think we should see each other again? I'm like, okay. Just curious as to why, though. And she goes, we're conservative.

I'm like, yeah. And you seem to be pretty liberal with sharing your opinions. Anyway, so yeah, that happened. And I texted her. I'm like, hey, here's my Venmo. The bill is this much. Just shoot me your half. Because while that seems very petty,

and cheap as Scrooge McDuck, he would stink of a Scrooge McFuck. Oh, my God. Dude, the way you guys, that was art. The way you guys are starting to leave these voice messages has me fucking oh dude i love you guys but uh yeah you're too conservative what a bitch here's venmo here's my venmo pay me That's crazy. I don't think I could ever do that to anyone. Oh, you don't like my date. Who's buying this? You are. You're buying half

too conservative. I would hate that. That would actually, that would melt me to my core. You're too conservative. That's like a big, uh, that's like a, nobody wants to be conservative. If you're like called a conservative person, you're like, wow, I played safe. That's cool. I don't know how I'd be able to take that. You're so conservative. Dude, you couldn't have been that conservative. I know you Milky boy. You, you probably dropped a few lines on her. Like, conservative with your money? Dude, I'm kind of a wreck, though.

When I go on dates, bro, I will buy everything there. With, like, an act like I have a lot of money. I'll act like I'm Peyton Manning on a date. Cabernet? We'll take it. Capicola? We'll take it. Caprese? We'll take it capicola we'll take it caprese we'll take it actually anything that starts with c and ends with a val we'll take it doesn't matter creme brulee yeah i don't like it at all but we'll take it two of them please i'll buy everything then i I'll be like, what the fuck did I just do? But that's like my, I don't know why I do that, but I'll fucking, I'll load up on a date. I won't regret it really either,

because I don't think I go on many dates. So when I do, I'm like, what can I buy next? Low key, that's how my dad used to take me out to eat. That's how my dad used to take me on dates. I'd get all dolled up and my dad would spend $9,000 on me. I'm like, Jesus Christ. That's where I learn it. Conservative, bro. You're too conservative. That might be the worst thing to say to anybody. Yeah, you're nice, but you're so conservative.

All right, let's keep going. When did you learn that you're not him? Yo, Benny, what up, man? My biggest I'm not him moment was probably a few years back. So I rap on the side, you know, perform whenever I can. Anyway, my friends know that I can do that. And I was at a party and we had all been smoking, you know, weed. I was fairly inebriated and lifted, as one may say.

But of course, people started freestyling and they were going around and they get to me. And everyone's been hyping up the whole time, like, oh, yeah, Aaron's about to kill it because, you know, he can rap. And they get to me and I completely forget how to rap. I completely suck. The beat just kind of keeps going. I'm like, yo, uh, yo. And I pretty much pop a doc and just kind of have to pack it up and walk off stage because I am too high, dude.

Oh, that's when you do it. I've been in that situation, but not as a rapper. And I will, uh, yeah, will uh yeah uh okay yeah that's right hold up uh restart that uh I'll do that for three and a half minutes because I don't know what to say you're a freestyle rapper doing that for like way too long uh hold up okay that's right uh-huh yeah he doesn't know what to say so yeah i got too high and forgot how to rap when i was expected to be the best rapper in the room so after that i guess you could say my freestyle career was a rap

i fucking love you guys dude I fucking love you guys, dude. Oh my, that, yeah, that is the worst moment of all time. Of all time. When you, when you're, it's like time to do your skill and you suck. Oh, what was I so bad at all the time that like, oh, when I played, I played football, like going to college to play football type shit. Not good, but like, you know, still good enough still good enough to you know whatever everybody can play sports in college you just have to like know what college you go to and uh we were playing like like seven

on seven or something it was like me and my friends it wasn't like real shit and i'm like the guy that's going to college for football and i suck my friends are better than me like dudes that are just going to like community colleges are just like bro like i couldn't catch them like i like you know what i mean like i couldn't run anybody down fucking dude that plays cross country just decided to play with us that day fucking outruns my bitch ass i catch a cramp can't drop in passes and shit i'm supposed to be the guy dude never been more embarrassing on f boy island like i'm supposed to be the funny guy you know hey supposed to be the funny guys got the comedy in my bag right right right right in front of everybody nikki glazer's like, oh, so you're a comedian.

Tell Luis a joke. And I was like, oh my fucking God, dude. Like, it's hard to be funny. It's hard to be funny on TV. It's hard to be funny in front of 26 F boys and the girl that you're going after.

And then it's hard to be something funny when somebody's like, tell a joke. Even after Nikki asked that, she goes, and I was like, you fucking. I can't remember what I said. I said, hey, I kind of pulled it off. Hold on. What did I say? Fuck. I was like, it was a cheesy ass joke bro they didn't put it in the

final cup it was like knock knock and she's like who's there and i fuck i forget what oh god damn it obviously dude i'm doing it right now i'm not him right now i forgot the joke fuck i forget what it was damn it was good too i was hoping they'd put it in but i forget i'll think of it later never will think of it again knock knock who's there i can't fuck dude i'm an idiot all right let's keep going I was in Greece for like two weeks with my girlfriends celebrating and I came back to Los Angeles the morning of my birthday

and found out that while I was gone my man had been sleeping with our best guy friend yeah so uh i was kicked out of the house but you know i can't even be mad about it because i'm not him i ain't got it like that never will Dude, this girl brings a fire every time. Can you write a book? Everybody knows. If you listen to this podcast, this girl comes on here every time and has a wild story. Please write a book. There's more.

Oh, and I found out that my ex was the bottom in the relationship. Oh, and him and my ex-guyfriend are still together to this day. So they're in like a long-term relationship now. It's been three years. They're still together. You're not shit, dude. Sometimes you just got to find out that you're not shit oh you thought you were hot guess what complete opposite

i don't know i don't know so bottoms are like kind of a bitch a little bit i guess right you're dating a bottom and you found out we're on vacation isn't that so you can't be mad at that like if i dated a girl and when i left she like cheated on me with another girl i'd be like dated a girl and when i left she like cheated on me with another girl i'd be like yeah i mean i get it god damn it i can never get mad at shit it always makes sense anytime i want to get mad at something i really think about it and i'm like you know yeah i don't blame him at all actually actually that is the right decision for you in your career if you believe it i'm not him i'm not him let's keep going so my i'm not her moment i'm not going to look fully put together

in public 24 7 i love the females that look top-notch tins all day i hate not me no are we bummy are we cute are we a bad bitch are we a sports girl we have no idea it depends which personality wakes up that day i so get that who the fuck knows i didn't know I was gonna wear it it took me an hour to pick out this fit people that know what they're wearing

and what they're doing and how they're I don't know I don't know if you're him or you're just like thinking too much I don't know shit it does all Thinking too much. I don't know shit. It does all depend on who you're going to wake. I love you, burpy boy. Whoa, burp 27 times on this podcast.

28. I have no idea what kind of... Dude, the last two days for me have been like decent because I've woken up like, oh shit. Okay. Yeah. You ever catch yourself having a good day? I'm like, oh shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Don't do that. Don't do that. I'm like, don't let the world know I'm having a good day. Cause something will fucking happen. I was having such a good day on Sunday. Everything was going right. Like shit was just good. Like I was in a good mood. Something else happened unexpectedly that like worked out. I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What is going on? I was having such a good day this past Sunday. I thought I was going to die. I was like, I better not drive anymore today because somebody's just going to fucking stone cold T-bone me off the road. Having such, it's such a crime, bro. we can't even have a good day without being like oh shit like i was driving home at like 6 p.m and i was like this is the day i die yep because everything's going so well i was all everything lined up i was like my sister

randomly facetimed me that doesn't ever happen it was like a pop-in conversation my roommates like back now like that's probably a reason why i'm gonna die who oh yeah like my friends are in town like i'm going out to eat i'm going to meet up with people and like have fun it's cheat day like video did well today. Like just too many things are happening. I was like, I'm dying. I'm going to die. I was like, it was hanging over my head the whole day. Dude, that's got to be some fucked up shit, right? Is that some, I probably need to go to therapy for that.

Just having so good of a day, you're like too good to be true i definitely slowed down like seven miles an hour and i definitely like made sure my seatbelt was on though i was like yeah someone's gonna hit me you boy dying but i don't get uh how people can just wake up and fucking know what they're know know what they're gonna look like know what they're going to look like, know what they're going to wear already. I feel you on that, baby G. Am I going to be a sports guy? Am I going to be a fucking, am I going to be a hot guy? I'm only hot guy really two days a week. And that's because I got to go get a spray tan on

those two days and I got to shave my entire body and make sure the facial hair is good. You're looking at me on my worst day right now. I got to do some work on this beard. Spray tan days are big days. You already know you got to get your shit together. You got to shave your whole body. I'm not going into taking a spray tan with hair on my tits. Hair right here on the spray tan day, you won't catch me. You'll never catch me at suntan city with hair on the back of my arms during a spray tan i'm locked in i'm smooth you can see that your boys your boys got new freckles on spray tan day the beard is the beard is looking extra douchey on spray tan day. That shit's lined and dined.

Me on spray tan day. Twice a week. I'm a scam. He's a scam. Stretching my small eye out on the way there. I might have white strips in, but after that spray tan, I'm feeling so good. I might might die You ever feel so good

You think you're gonna die Me every Sunday Here we go Hey Benny, back here again My not him moment I was dating a girl for a few months And then she came out and told me that she had slept with somebody else So I figured it was another guy And that I was really mad about it Turns out it was actually a girl for a few months and then she came out and told me that she had slept with somebody else so I figured it was another guy and that I was really mad about it turns out it was actually a girl that

we both knew and were friends with so I had to think of the idea of them scissoring I guess you could say I got the snips dude is this a thing now do you guys have a private message board for the espresso podcast where oh my god all these voice messages are gas you guys are johnsoning these now all of you guys this is the best podcast of my life got the snaps i can't tell is that funny shit or not's funny, but like, it's not funny at the same time. Like, those, they are like, because you got to think about them a little bit. But yeah, dog, I'm with you. If your girl cheats on you with another girl, like, it's not that much of a diss, honestly. It's just kind of like, yeah, I'm just really not him.

I'm just, I'm not him. Like, you, like, you were were like, I was so bad at that that you had to date one of your own kind. I ever think about that shit. Like, damn. You really had to date a girl because I was so bad at doing all that. That's wild.

I don't know. That's like a i agree moment you're still him you're still him if she would have cheated on you with another dude yeah you're pretty much not him bro because that's like a lateral move for her a girl cheats on you with another dude it's like she's kind of she kind of just like is a bitch and she's just dating another you she might have done you a favor but yeah you're not him you're just not him she could have told you bro girls can just be like yeah you're just not him and i'd be like all right but right, but that's cool. That's cool. Just let me know if I'm not him or not. If I'm himmy junior, if I'm himmy Garcia Parra, if I'm Mia him, just let me know. Yeah. I don't have a problem with you. Let me know that I'm not him. Himmy neutronutron?

Him Duncan? Can he keep going? Will he stop now? Himmy Johnson? Himmy Johnson, Himmy. Talk up! Yeah, just let me know if I'm not him. It's cool. We can talk about it, but if I'm not him, I'm not him.

If I'm not him, Thomas, I'm not him, Thomas. The moment I realized I wasn't him was a couple weeks ago. Love it. I got hit on by a 15-year-old girl in Target. I'm 23 years old. Why the fuck can't I pick up girls my own age? Ooh, bro. What were you wearing dog that's wild

in Target you're kind of him for being in Target though you are him hey take the positive take the positive out creepy that you got hit on by a 15 year old girl but can't talk Take the positive out. Creepy that you got hit on by a 15-year-old girl, but... Can't talk.

Creepy that you got hit on by a 15-year-old girl, but you're in Target, bro. We're starting off the hymn. Hymn Network is tuned in in Target. Just disregard Shorty. Blinders on, girl. I'm him right now in Target i'm picking up like lean cuisine and shit in target frozen food section i'm getting tombstone pizzas i'm him don't decrease my himness

why why can't you pick up girls your age you must be putting off immature vibes. What were you doing in there, dog? Were you riding the cart? He's like, why can't I pick up girls my own age? He's like... Just brushing by the cereal why can't i pick up girls my own age in target you're hiding in the clothes rack

somebody splits the hangers. You're like, why can't I pick up girls my own age? Walking around, fucking licking a big lollipop. I don't know why. Keep getting hit on by freshmen in high school. Sitting Indian style in the toy section. Shooting Nerf guns and shit at people that walk by.

I don't know why. Gets in a car seat, leaves. I don't know why. Gets in a car seat, leaves. I don't get it. That's wild, bro. I don't know. Let's keep going. All right, your boy is not him. When I was in high school, I was hanging out with a girl,

and she broke up with her boyfriend. So she called me, and I went over there, and I was in high school, I was hanging out with a girl and she broke up with her boyfriend. So she called me and I went over there and I was like, oh, finally, I'm in. And I'm the one she called the first call. I was like, your boy's got it. But then while I was over there, a senior called her. She looked at me and she goes, I think you need to leave now. Your boy's not him. Ah, fuck.

I love you you fuckers i kind of didn't understand that but i love you fuckers just for the just for the fuck so she just called in a senior on your ass while you were there like she was calling fucking she was calling backup while you're in the room we gotta listen to that one more time one more time one more time for the for the boys all right your boy is not him when i was in high school i was hanging out with a girl and she broke up with her boyfriend so she called me and i went over there and i was like oh finally i'm in and i'm the one she called the first call i was like your boy's got it but then while i was over there a senior called her she looked at me and she goes i think you need to leave now oh dude big seniors always fucking getting a job done dude if it's up if you could

be the hottest guy in the world you could be uh you could be who's the guy that played uh george of the jungle he was hot he was hot george of the jungle brendan frazier you could be brendan frazier in george at the jungle but if you're a sophomore sorry bro seniors taking your spot girls and older guys guys date a younger girl creepy girls date an older guy oh my god yes queen everything's so creepy to girls creepy you put on chapstick creepy you drive a jeep creepy actually it is creepy when you drive a jeep creepy actually it is creepy when you drive a jeep me yeah dog getting the job taken by a senior just what happens it doesn't even fucking matter how you look when you're a senior you could be a you could have you can still have zits bro you can be

a senior with zits zits are so sophomore junior but if you're a senior with zits you're still pulling bro because you're going to college next year big dog you're on uh you're going to saint bonaventure or whatever the fuck you're on ivy tech maybe you're on iv You're on Ivy Tech on the big campus. You're on Ivy Tech in Bloomington and telling people you're going to IU. Doesn't matter. You're still pulling. You're still taking spots.

You're a senior. You're wearing the shirt on Fridays? You're wearing the blue shirt that says seniors on it? You got it made, dog. Take any spot you want homeboy i'll see you next year walk in the halls of santa monica or some shit bro all right so there's no way to say this without sounding like a giant fucking douchebag so anyways i was i was smashing this chick once stop and i got a nosebleed bro so and i didn't know what to do and it was like my second

time having sex too so like i'm still not great at it but i definitely wasn't good at it and i got a nosebleed and then i like didn't know what to do so i like tried to make a joke and i was like what are you on your period and then like she just stared at me like what the fuck which i think is very fair um my dick's small too too, so it was extra embarrassing. But yeah, I'd probably say that. What could go worse during sex than getting a nosebleed? Oh, I'm so sorry. And you know people get nosebleeds only, it's not from stress.

It's not from, like, being too high in the air. You know why you get nosebleeds? Because you not from stress it's not from like being too high in the air you know why you get nosebleeds because you fucking pick your nose all day so in some when anytime anybody gets a nosebleed i'm like why you're just like so that's just your i pick my nose alarm going off right now during sex nothing sexier dude i don't know people are so weird now i'd probably fucking like that. Having sex and the person you're having sex with gets a nosebleed. I'd be like, haha, yeah.

That was so me. That was all me. You ever have sex so good, the other person gets a cut in their nose and blood runs out and they have to, hey, nothing more alpha than finishing having sex with toilet paper balled up in their nose and blood runs out and they have to a nothing like nothing more alpha than finishing having sex with toilet paper balled up in your nose oh my god he looks so hot right now fucking kleenex stuck up one nostril do you come so fucked

nothing would do the dumbest looking people ever always just have one Kleenex in their nostril and during the most passionate thing ever so should we stop or what i'm gonna take a shower sorry it's still like bleeding hold on can i like paint like uh can i can i put like eye black on your eyes only with my nose blood it's hot nothing worse than having a nosebleed during sex gotta be top three worst moments of your fucking life dude and you said it was because she's on her period you fucking idiot I love this podcast dude that's so stupid oh shit make it worse

how do I make it worse my nose is bleeding during sex how do I make it worse are you on your period shut the fuck up worst ever that's the most i'm not him shit all right holy shit hey come to the show tonight boston love you um join patreon because this is how the lives are now on Patreon live stream and the podcasts are even more fried I don't know how to tell you guys

you just gotta pay $5 a month for an extra episode every single week alright guys love you so much see you next time