Espresso - your personal conspiracy theories

Episode Date: May 18, 2023

On this episode benny reacts to your personal conspiracy theories (like how incognito mode STILL gets you)🏁 INDIANALAND 500 DAY PARTYIndianapolis, IN 5/27 (Day before INDY500) Noon-4 @ Tin Roof FREE ENTRY 😍Support Benny (get an extra episode and LIVE STREAM every Sunday!)🔒𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi 🔺𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://www.youtube.com/@espressowbenedictLeave a rating and review boo🎧𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso/id1514492317 

Hey, this is America. If you want to find love, go on a reality show. Yeah. Go to Cabo with a bunch of Instagram models and compete for the affection of

Instagram models. Hey, upcoming party. Indiana Land 500 the day before race day, March 27th, noon to four. Might make a little deal. If you get there early, I'll buy you a drink. I'll buy you a... Oh, what if I did glasses of wine?

If you get there, who wants a glass of wine at 11 a.m.? Absolutely everybody. Noon to four, race theme. I'll see you there. downtown Indianapolis, tin roof. That's next Saturday. Not this Saturday, next Saturday. Get your race fits ready, girl, because you need to make a little pit stop.

Oh, God! Shot 263. I'm your benedict palizzi and today we're going to figure out your personal conspiracy theory before that remember to join the patreon five dollars a month for an extra episode every single week in a live stream on sunday night why wouldn't you bro it's dope too it's ask me anything in there we go crazy in there we get sexy in there we talk about a lot of wild shit join it's fun i feel like it's a real family you know it's good you should in the dude i tell i do cringe moment of the week on uh the patreon podcast you don't want to miss uh this week's actually yeah you do actually don't

listen to it five dollars a month for an extra episode every week on patreon okay yeah we're gonna talk about uh your personal conspiracy theories for me i know this one for a fact and big shampoo is not gonna like this but, all shampoo is a scam. All of it. Now that's bullshit because mine like has more volume. It's all a scam. It's all a scam. Dude, they told me. They're like, you know why you lost your hair?

It's back now because I had to get a hair transplanted twice. You know why you lost your hair? I'm like, why? like it has partial partially has to do with genetics but the shampoo and conditioner you've used your entire life it just has millions of chemicals in it and that's why you lose your hair that's like 50 of it even more than 50 they're like yeah you just got it and i was like so what what do i use and they're like, yeah, you just got it. And I was like, so what do I use? And they're like, Johnson's baby shampoo. It has nothing in it. It's just straight up like soapy, like make your hair clean shit and water.

That's why it's like so thin. I think like the thicker your shampoo, you ever hold up like some Tresemme, some VO5 or whatever, some V8, whatever it's called. And it's like a can of paint, bro. That's scalp and hues, Addy. All shampoo is like, I think about that with like a lot of beauty shit, like proactive, dude. Is that the biggest scam anyone's ever ran ever?

Five bottles. The lotion, the repair, the fucking foundation, the shine. I'm like, first first of all who has the time bro five bottle dude i hate getting ready for bed already you want me to put a five-step process into this shit i'd rather have zits and then they put ashley simpson on the cover of it bro scam alert so this i mean ashley simpson's not a scam dude she's like scam alert. I mean,

Ashley Simpson's not a scam, dude. She's like, a simp, dude. But I mean, the whole product thing, scam.

And I think Lizzie McGuire was in that mix too, bro. I mean, Hilary Duff, same thing. What else? Oh, emergency.

Come on. When's the last time you had emergency and actually felt better? It's just not, it's just, it's just Tang. I promise. I promise it's not doing shit. Liquid IV. We've had this talk, dude. Liquid IV doesn't do anything. It's just Gatorade powder. Put it in, babe. Just keep peeing yellow. I'm like, cool. When's it,'s it uh do something and it's too good too bro you know when you get liquid iv and you just can't stop drinking it because it's

literally gatorade of course you're not gonna it's so good no no no baby girl coffee where are we at on coffee it's got to be kind of fake right there's no way i'm just spending 20 a day on coffee and it's just changing my life it kind of does change my life though i'm really not like i just need my little my little candy ass needs a midday treat 9 30 a.m it's the only thing I want to do. Just get some fucking coffee. My little happy ass walking to the coffee shop. Buying some fake ass coffee.

Doesn't do a goddamn thing to me. It's fake. Might be kind of real. But it's still fake. So much. I just want to know how much money I've spent on coffee. But what are your conspiracy theories? Oh, yeah.

And the OG, bro. The OG is I think fast food restaurants, I mean, they're all fake, but they pump out scents. Have you ever driven by a Burger King and been like, come on, bro. You smell like that? I'm starting to think Home Depot does it does it too with like the lumber aisle that home depot smell is what's making that smell i know they have like a fucking whole forest of wood in there but it all it just smells so like grassroots fucking it smells so like man in there.

Is advanced auto parts and O'Reilly's auto parts? You ever smell that? You're like, are you guys hiring? That plastic keyboard, they're just, that whole place is satisfying. What are yours though? What's your personal conspiracy theory? All right, the boy minute of the day not bad segment anyway um taxes i don't get them i don't understand them i hate them vilely with everything that's in me and don't even get me started on the process of it because i don't understand i mean imagine being an accountant

and how taxing that must be anyway Anyway, I don't understand it. Like, you're telling me I gotta pay money on the money that I earned doing ungodly things and I have to pay money extra on the things that I'm buying already with money that's already been taxed? None of it makes sense. Anyway, it's a total scam. I mean, I get we have the military we have to pay for. Respect. But you're telling me with the trillions that we're sending to other countries

we can't just be printing money out of thin air and use that to pay taxes what the hell is that all about makes no sense so that's my take on it's my conspiracy theory we don't really need taxes and uh that's it man every tax that's the first thing i thought of like my first actual thought about the government when i was a kid was like why don't we just print off money dude my dad ate that shit up he's like it has to come from somewhere and like to there's a checks and balances and i was just like okay never mind never but why can't we just print the money we owe this much money and we... I'm like, so just print it, right?

Or just like erase it? It's all fake. Yeah, I don't get it. I'll never get taxes because I do think it's all fake. You got to pay taxes on the taxes on the taxes on the taxes. You know that one meme that's like, how much do I owe?

And the government's like, guess. And you're like, what about this? And they're like, no, you go to jail. Why? I know, I know. I don't even want to talk about it because it's so like...

But I'll never know. I will never know anything about taxes. And I can't wait to never know. The day I figure my taxes out, bro, I'm going to be the most boring guy of all time. Can you imagine me doing tax? Dude, I look like I don't know anything. Do I look like I know numbers and shit?

Anytime someone brings up taxes, I'm like, I got to go to the bathroom. One time in college, this dude came up to me and he was like hey man have you done your taxes yet i'm like an accountant and uh i just like i need some practice with that stuff and he's like how much uh and he started asking me real questions and i've never been so red in my life i could slip on my ass naked and shit my pants in front of the most beautiful woman i've ever seen and i wouldn't be more embarrassed than i was when this guy asked me about taxes i was like uh um i usually fuck i just hold on a minute wait i think some i think it's on my phone

just throws up right there all over his feet and runs away. You ever just want to throw up and run away in a conversation? Can we do that? Can I get a pass? People's so locked into asking you shit face to face. I'm like, bro, I don't know. Damn. No!

Oh my God, he threw up all over my feet because he asked me about fucking taxes. Oh my God, he threw up all over my feet. So he asked me about fucking taxes. Oh my God. Yeah, I don't know, dog. I'll never know. Thank God, because anyone that listens to this podcast doesn't know shit about taxes. Thank you. I love you. Just keep going. I think people want weddings and not a marriage because like a wedding is an event. It's a show. Like thousands of dollars are put down for a venue, for a bar, for catering, for photographer. People are flying in, adjusting their whole lives to be there.

Like it doesn't matter if you have cold feet, you want to back out tough you gotta deliver you gotta go on stage you gotta gig you gotta perform gig so i i mean and then afterwards like you're just living with todd like if you really want to get married just do it in a very very boring way thank you and have a. We don't need all this pressure and all this crazy extra money spent. What is it? Hey, this is America.

If you want to find love, go on a reality show. Yeah. Go to Cabo with a bunch of Instagram models and compete for the affection of Instagram models. And if there aren't cameras, it doesn't count. Fuck.

That's how you do it, bro. Yeah, but people, every time I see a wedding invitation i'm like we're still doing this i just cannot wrap my fucking head around that shit yeah we're having this wedding and we're flying to cabo for it i'm like who do you think you are bro you're just my friend um no i don't want to fucking do any of that i love you bro but like send me the video dude if i got married i'd be like uh let's just like sign the contract and like then we're married i'm not having a pop who am i fucking p diddy getting married who gives a shit about my marriage it can't just be me right everyone that gets married i'm like okay yeah sick i mean congrats but dude why and why is it always at the weirdest place i have to drive all the way out by

the outlet mall for the wedding what just just yeah we're married now all i need is the ig post honestly and that's the only reason people get married anyway i don't know bro i don't know it's kind of wild to me people getting people having the big celly does anybody really want to go maybe the mom maybe the mom if she's crazy does anybody really want to go? Maybe the mom, maybe the mom. If she's crazy,

dude, I right now, if I was like, guys said to my family, I'm getting married. This is where we're having the wedding. And this is where the re we're having the reception. They look at me and go,

what the fuck? And if none of them showed up i'd be like thank you is his brain warped i think i'm the only normal one dude i'd have i have the most low-key wedding uh and then that's it we're married i guess the priest at the wedding like he doesn't give a fuck about you dude i don't know man i don't know maybe it's me i didn't come up with this one so i don't know if it counts but my favorite conspiracy theory is that magic johnson is lebron's dad um they both look similar dude this is a very good voice message you can he's bringing the fucking heat right now early in the face and both physically um they play basketball similarly they have an

obvious kinship towards each other just socially um magic johnson was obviously pretty promiscuous back in his day so magic johnson being lebron's dad is my favorite conspiracy theory yo that is the most like undiscovered topic of all time the biggest celebrity in the world lebron james lebron i think about lebron james every day whether i like it or not bro I don't I'm not like a big NBA fan I like obviously it's around it's always on social media and shit I think I've thought about LeBron every single day since I was probably fucking 14 and yes I am in love with him but I mean who's not if LeBron James committed a crime or like some shit came out about him that nobody knew on some scandalous shit bro i would cry and i don't even really like him dog he's just so popular

and we don't know who his fucking dad is nobody not a fucking clue nobody's gonna claim it and be like i'm his dad fuck it nobody knows there's no like speculation it's magic johnson that is so fried no one knows lebron's dad it's just like never even brought up it's so weird somebody get out there and find this fucker jesus christ all right uh let's keep going all right conspiracy theories i want this anonymous by the way um you got a couple that come to mind one if you look remember that turtle video where they pulled the straw out of its nose it was bleeding it was graphic got millions of views we had to switch

over to paper straws okay if you are the head of paper straws wouldn't that be the perfect thing to do to silence the competition and if you look into the location of where that turtle was found it is right off the coast of the number one paper straw manufacturer in the world you tell me okay i love it that if you look if you wanted to silence anything if you were uh beats by dre and you wanted to get rid of fucking apple airpods you'd shove one into a turtle's nose. And the other one is I think Apple Maps tries to put you into rush hour on purpose because sitting there idling. I got to hear this shit, bro. He's spitting right now.

Sitting there idling, waste more gas. And if you're Tony Gas, you want that. Tony Gas is paying Tony Apple to throw all the cars onto the same highway every day. And Tony Apple's getting a cut. A small cut. That's what I think.

Tony Gas, bro. Oh, Tony fucking Gass. Back at it. He's right, dog. All this shit's a scam. Paper straws, bro. Hey, turtles, just fucking move your head, damn it. I don't know.

It can't be that. You're just going to watch a straw just bury into your face? Give it a little fucking shimmy or bite that shit. You bite everything else. But yeah, bro. He was spitting. He was spitting. Great voice message.

Great enunciation. Definitely Canadian. But, uh... bidding great voice message great enunciation definitely canadian but uh is apple maps really doing us like that i mean everybody's using apple maps right what's the what's the alternative ways i'm not downloading that shit bro the the you gotta put a gun to my head to download an app and the fact that you have to do it for every thing ever every restaurant every service

of imaginable download our app I'm like I'd rather be I'd rather go hungry I had to get the DoorDash app the other day it was like the most shame I've ever been through in my life downloading that shit and it i did i ordered an exacto knife from door dash is that the laziest shit but i couldn't find one dude and i was just like maybe

fucking door dash has it they canceled the order i was like exactly and how come every door dash driver is a complete piece of shit can Can we find out that conspiracy theory? Every time I see a door to anyone door dashing, I'm like, oh, you're handling my shit? I don't know, bro. Tony Cass? Yo, yo, yo, Benny boy. Bro, listen, my conspiracy theory is not, it's a wildly popular one.

And it's the one that, you know, mattress firm, it's a money laundering front. Because every time I go past one, I ask myself, who's buying this? No shit, man. That would be, that's the number one. That's an elite who's buying this? No shit, man. That would be, that's the number one. That's an elite who's buying this. I think you just ordered that shit online though, right?

Are you going in there to try out beds? Are people really doing that? How awkward is that for the guy working there? You just have like four people come in every 12 days and they just fucking jump on beds and leave. I'll take my chances, bro, and a big fucking slab of cotton yeah i bet it feels good i don't know fucking deliver it i swear to god i've had the same bed since i was 12 years old i told you guys this already yeah i can't stop thinking about it now because why would i ever get a different bed ew it smells no it doesn't i'm not just out here

pissing all over my bed every night dude or am i uh mattress firm what are we doing it is the only place where you could actually figure it out and like try it out though if you really want to know like how big is it they've got like all those online like mattress uh things now that you have to download an app for purple they're like all over like uh satellite radio and shit every commercial is about a goddamn mattress you just unfold it in your room room. Mattress firm. Is it a scam? Has anyone ever gotten their bed from mattress firm? I did a fucking commercial for him, bro. I did a fucking commercial for him. It was the best commercial I've ever done in my life. Um, maybe they're the last real ones left. Maybe it's that kind of thing.

You see any other bed stores around? Me trying to get on their good side now. Let's keep going. Here's my conspiracy. So everybody knows that the government spies on you and tries to steal your shit. I think they use porn to do that. And here's my theory.

So I watch porn, right? I mean, I'm a guy, so, uh, but that's not the point. Uh, but when I'm like watching, I'm using the incognito mode, even though I'm using incognito mode, you know, they're still stealing shit from you. Like they somehow find my Instagram page because, you know, like the bots get in and I try to follow you and try to talk to you. And then so I usually ignore it. But every once in a while I get a little curious and I start talking to them. So they ask me like, oh, like I want to text you like give me your phone number. They're trying to steal your phone number. Like, oh, where are you from?

I want to come over and fuck trying to get your address. And then they're like subscribe to steal your phone number. They're like, oh, where are you from? I want to come over and fuck. Trying to get your address. And then they're like, subscribe to my OnlyFans. They're trying to get your credit card number. It's all a conspiracy. Yeah, if anybody was going to scam you, it would be porn. Obviously, they're checking what categories you watch. That way, they can figure out if you're a pedophile or not

anyway that's my conspiracy I wouldn't mind the government looking after me they probably know I'm good at fishing some people say I'm so good at fishing that I'm a masturbator oh my god he's off the hook

I'm kind of scared of the internet in that way, though. How about when you just think of some shit and you see it on your Explorer page? You're like... What did I think of the other day and I just straight up saw that shit? And I was like, ew, gross, brother. Tapped in. You can't do shit on the internet i don't even know what incognito mode is bro you ever fallen for a scam you know that email you get every once in a while that's like some some super bland and it's like, your transaction has been processed, bro. I get one every single,

every month. I don't know if I'm actually paying for it or not, but they email me every month, and it goes, your Zoom subscription has been renewed. I'm like, I've never fucking paid for Zoom. I've never, I hate Zoom. Look at your payment here. And I'm like, fuck, dude, is that real or not? But I don't want to click on it, because if I click on it, I'm like fuck dude is that real or not but i don't want to click on it because if i click on it i'm like do i get a virus or some shit how about that when you like fall you fall for a trap how old do you feel the amount of times my dad's gotten got off of a fucking like a virus scam thing. He has no fucking clue what he's doing.

You ever, dude, in the thing that works, if you ever get hacked or whatever, how about the people that are like, my account got hacked and like their stories are like, ask me how you can make $5,000. Are those the dumbest people alive they have to be right because the only reason you get hacked by that thing is if you actually believe it you know

you can make $5,000 tonight someone actually was like oh for real click that shit how dumb how about the people during covid that were playing that one game that had like the four corners thing and you like circle it and it was like send this to a friend and they were like really doing that shit dude people really lost their minds i won like four times and made like 50 bucks but like it was so dumb it's isn't real wait what you say italy it's isn't real bro i need some facts dog

why not Why not? I don't think I'm a... I don't think I... I don't know, bro. As an Italian guy, I can tell you I'm not a real Italian. I don't know shit. I don't know anything. I'm all... I'm Fazoli's, bro.

Italy isn't real. That's hard. That's bold of you to say. Italy isn't real. He just thinks of it like all of the levels on Mario. He's like, it's not real. I've seen it before. I played a game and I saw it.

Okay. My conspiracy theory is I don't think I believe in dinosaurs. Because I do not believe that we came from monkeys. So were people just living with dinosaurs? I just don't get it. Baby girl, that's crossing my mind too every single day we found the fossils i think somebody just put them there bury some weird shit in the ground and see who uncovers that in like two million years

what are they gonna find in the ground now, bro? What are they going to find in the ground now? Just a bunch of, like, contact lenses? Found another fucking contact lens! Jesus, what were these people doing? Just a bunch of wallets. Fuck! just a bunch of wallets fuck do we think dinosaurs were just chickens that were like super zoomed in

I saw a dinosaur the other day and had a bunch of feathers on its back I was like bro that's a chicken it's a big chicken you watch Jurassic Park and that'll change your mind. How about Jurassic Park being the only evidence I need to see to know that there were dinosaurs? I could be like, yeah, there weren't dinosaurs. I watched JP3.

I'm like, dude, I think I'm going to become an archaeologist tomorrow. The life of an archaeologist just digging up shit the whole day i don't know dog i don't know that's a good one though yo benny my uh my conspiracy theory is that oxygen actually slowly kills you over time yeah it takes like about you know 80 85 years to like slowly have an effect on your body to where it just wears you down and uh they just haven't found out but um yeah i guess knowing would be a breath of fresh air the sky

dude This guy! Dude. I don't know about that one, homie. That's a lot. I'm just holding my breath for no reason right now. But oxygen. I'm thinking about it right now. Yeah, does it's probably the one that's probably the thing that kills you how about fuckers that just smoke all the time and then my grandma smokes she lived she lived to be

106 i'm like damn she never worked out a day in her life and smoked cigs everyday she's 106 just died I'm like what am I doing then everything's a scam everything's a scam everything's a scam la-dee-kin-da

if oxygen kills you if the oxygen kills you an oxygen mask bro how about to have i wanted to put on an oxygen mask and just let that bitch take over my life dude and that's just instantly killing me those dudes that are super tired and they put on an oxygen mask like like when they're playing football oh how good does that feel an oxygen mask when you're sleeping is that the best sleep of your life just how about when you that first time you breathe in oxygen not that first time yeah it does kind of scare me though like when like babies breathe in, they start crying immediately. I'm like, damn, dog. Like you got to get used to that shit.

What about that one time you breathed in, you inhaled, and it felt like somebody was stabbing you in the ribs with a butcher knife? I was like, ah, okay. That first time that happened, I think I was in like fourth grade. I was like, okay, i was like okay yeah yeah yeah this is death this is death right here just standing in the hallway like i'm dying right now just looking at people and shit like they have no idea that i'm dying right now and then it goes away and you're like oh that was a weird day bro you're like should i tell my mom should i tell my mom i kind of died

today or was that a fluke thing what's the thing that happened to you when you thought you were dying new espresso question of the week next week that's happened to me like four times in my life the knife in the ribs and i'm like okay yeah this is the time this is it fuck i'm dying what do you do like what if you're in the ribs and i'm like okay yeah this is the time this is it fuck i'm dying what do you do like what if you're in the car and you that that shit really happens and you're dying do you just floor it to a hospital and everybody in the er is just like waiting their turn on shit i'm like what if somebody really is dying i come in here and cause a big ass commotion i

swear to god they still wouldn't let you in a room they'd be like no you gotta wait for larry larry kind of tweaked his foot he dropped a jar of jelly on his foot he's next i'm like i'm dying there's a knife in my ribs by the way i figured out how to beat that. If you get knife ribs and you're like, oh, fuck, and you breathe it again, you're like, oh, my God, it's going to kill me, is what you do. You breathe all the way out. And breathe it back in and you're good. Still haven't figured out hiccups though but that's how you

in the rib syndrome let's keep going so my personal conspiracy theory is that face mask they don't work their only purpose is to leave a gooey wet substance on your face i don't know i don't fucking touch them but all my friends that use them like literally they still look old and they have some dry ashy cracky skin like it's just it's a scam it's not real big scam it's just so dumb too all of those skincare products are all scammy like how much shit do you need to actually do to your face to make it look good like there are girls that are going above and beyond every day and i'm like i literally could not tell the difference i'm'm like, seriously glowing.

I put this skin treatment on last night. I put fucking rub this ball on my foot. That's the funniest one to me. The fucking, the little jewel you rub on your face. What is that doing? There's no way that's doing anything. I put this mask on every single night. I put lotion.

I'm like, I don't have time for all that shit bro i know i'm not like doing everything in the world but like who has time to just sit there and roll a ball on their face i'd be like and then wear a stupid sloppy mask on your face who's actually doing that? I get the Biore strip. That shit went hard. But that might have been a scam. Nah, that couldn't have been a scam.

Because when you rip that bitch off, ripping off a Biore strip, dude, that was cooler than like opening a fortune cookie. Remember ripping off a Biore strip? And all those little blackhead spikes would be on both ends. You'd be like, fuck yeah. That's my Mount Everest, baby. Those mountains right there. That's mine. That's what I climb. My Everest, my Rushmore, my face is all over those fucking mountains. Ripping off a Bure strip was just revitalizing. How about when you

rip off a Biore strip and there's nothing on it? You're like, damn it. My favorite pastime, dude. Throwing a Biore strip on my nose, brushing my teeth, watching American Idol. Oh. Ha.

Ha. Whoa. I know you remember that noise. With a crusty Biore strip on your nose. That's how I sneeze. Oh my god. Hold on. Hold on.

Hold on. Excuse me. All right, back to the meeting. You ever American Idol sneeze on them? I'm out on this one dog let's keep going okay so this is more based off of scientific reasoning than it is actual fact whoa what podcast did this turn into bill nye the science guy bill bill bill But this is my personal conspiracy theory. This guy is smart. And he's fam because he leaves a lot of voice messages.

But let's go, baby. I'm excited. If two ugly people get together and make a baby, the baby is going to be absolutely beautiful and will turn out to be a beautiful person. That does happen. But if two beautiful people get together and make a baby. Never hot, never hot. The baby will come out to be absolutely and atrociously ugly.

Usually. And will more than likely look bad growing up as well. And for whatever fluky reason, if an ugly person and a beautiful person get together and make a baby it's just kind of a crapshoot more so it ends up becoming a beautiful baby though i don't i don't know that's just my theory yeah can two hot people just make one hot person once can that can we just do that one time never seen it every baby i've ever seen i'm like and how about like tall dudes their dads are always short their dads are always like just touching six they do have those tall ass moms bro tall ass moms run shit they do

if you got a tall mom you're you good. You could be 5'6". Dude, if you date a girl that's 6'2", dude, your kid's going to be 7 feet tall. NBA superstar. That's what every guy thinks, though. Every guy thinks that deep down, like, my kid's going to be in the NFL. I brought your name Steve.

But if you date a tall girl, yeah, he's going to be playing for the rockets so funny two hot people just can't get it together and like also two like really athletic people the kid like never wants to do shit i'm like what'd you get helen keller never made any quotes she was blind deaf deaf, and mute. Her family was just trying to get money out of her. There's literally no way that she could have made up a quote if she didn't even know how to say words or write or see to write.

It doesn't make sense. What a life, dude. Every time I think about Helen Keller, I'm just like, oof. At least she could eat eat though, you know? That's some fat shit right there. Couldn't see, couldn't talk. Could she hear?

Blind, deaf, mute. Bro, what a chill, what a chill like homie though, you know? Just chilling with Helen Keller. The noise level in the room. Pristine. Yeah, she's just chilling. We're just chilling. Let's keep going.

Last one. So, it's probably because it's men in black, but it totally makes sense. I fully believe that all the people that work in post offices, they're an alien. Oh! I mean, okay, first off, have you ever actually known anyone that works in a post office? I never have. And whenever I'm in one, and you're stuck in line, I'll just watch them.

And I'm like, I think they're an alien. And maybe because sometimes I'm stoned. So I'm just like, that's definitely an alien. But I think everyone that works in a post office is not human. Dude, in that, you know how, you know, the what gave it away? That sentence I have to say to you. Is anything liquid fragile, falling out of batteries? That they say with like zero effort or intensity.

I'm like. Dude, people that work at the post office are just dying to get out of there it's amazing how come every time i walk into a post office it's just like a fucking free-for-all i'm like no no no my god and even when there's nobody in there it's just it's so like it's so like, it's so depressing. It's so chaotic at the same time. There's always somebody in there that like has the weirdest question. It's like, so we just bought the rights to this building. And I'm like, oh, these people aren't going to know anything about this shit. And the lady behind the counter is like, I'm like, no, you don't fucking know.

So we should be able to send our mail legally to this address. Cause I just, I just bought the, uh, the title to this building off Massachusetts in 1492 East Boston street. And the lady's like, okay, yeah, right, right, right. Okay. Yeah. I know exactly what you're talking about. So what's the issue here? I'm like, dude, you're in over your head, lady.

What the fuck how do you how do you go into a post office with that question you think they know no one knows shit how come every time every time i try to send a dude Dude, and I always get... Dude, I for real... I'm not trying to be a bitch. I get for real sexually harassed in the post office. Every time, I'm like, can I just... I don't want to be here. I don't want to return this, bro. I don't know what I'm doing. There's always something wrong.

I get grilled in there. I get harassed in there. I'm just like like is this what hell is there's always a line at the ass somebody always farted i'm like that's why i don't that's why i don't return anything bro that's why i buy shit online it's the wrong size i'm taking the l i'm not going to the i'm not going to hell to return this i gotta print off the shipping label, you don't have the right package. Oh, fuck.

I know you guys got like a bag back there, bro. Just hook me up. No, you got to buy a box for 1978. I'm like, getting God at the post office. Fleeced, finessed. Every time I go, that's 1892. I92 i'm like the address is this the address you're talking about i don't know it's just the one that guy told me dude those people want to shit extra for you the in post office employees won't help you i've been, I've been walked out of there

and been like, man, that guy was awesome. Dude, I kind of feel like every post office is all the same people. Every single one.

Go to the one on the south side of town. Go to the one on the north side of town. East side, west side. Same crew. You'd never know because you're not going to two in one day the hours are all weird bro it's fake it's fake

the post office in the bank i'm like can the bank just be open last thing dude can the bank just stay open for a little bit like a like it's a normal functioning part of society how come i have to make an appointment to go to the bank oh i gotta take some money out and it's saturday i have 15 seconds to get to the bank and back before they close because they're only open for from 9 45 a.m. to 10 a.m. I'm like, can you guys just operate like a store? Like, are people coming in there with guns every second or something? Like, come on, man.

All right, dude. Wow. That shit's wild. Thanks for the voice messages. You guys crushed. Come to Indiana Land 500 Part 2 next Saturday,urday may 27th noon to four at tin roof downtown and kiss me every day let me know what cities you want me to come to the show goes on join the live stream uh every sunday night on patreon five dollars a month for an extra episode

every single week and i'll talk to you guys next week fuck i have fam