Espresso - your WORST new year's eve

Episode Date: December 29, 2023

support benny and get every other pod and a weekly livestream for $5/month https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzion this ep benny reacts to your worst new years eve (like giving a random girl a black eye when you're drunk crawling on the floor)🎟️ 𝗕𝗘𝗡𝗡𝗬'𝗦 𝗨𝗣𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗨𝗣 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦 St. Louis, MO 1/25 https://st-louis.heliumcomedy.com/shows/246366🌴 WATCH BENNY ON FBOY ISLAND SEASON 3 STREAMING ON THE CW🧢 "𝗙𝗕𝗢𝗬" 𝗙𝗢𝗥 𝟮𝟱% 𝗢𝗙𝗙 𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/

I gave a girl a black eye. I thought I got into a fight, but I guess she walked into it. At some point, I was flailing my arms so much that I gave a girl a black eye. I thought I got into a fight, but I guess she walked into it. If I'm ever drunk, I definitely can give a punch or two. So that's probably my worst New Year's Eve experience. I find it more funny, but. Yeah, you're like me.

When I get like drunk, I think I get like too wild. You know, like all of a sudden the room we're in isn't big enough. Like I'm too, I take up too much space and i will like do some shit like i'll pinch you or some shit and you'll be like stop and i'll do it again stop and i'll do it again that's what i'm like okay i need to stop i need i actually do need to like go in the other room but like for some reason it's funny like you know like you'll laugh and say stop and i'm like but she laughed so i'll do it again do the arm flailing what does that mean though because I can do this thing with my arm where I can like rotate it a hunt like like

all the way in a circle it's like one of my it's like it's like my talent I've got the worst talents man hold on let me try to do it real quick. Look at that. Look at that. That's a windmill. I've got two talents. I've got two talents. You know how people, like, I've never,

no one's ever been like, you're so talented. Like, if somebody said that to me, I'd be like, you don't really know what talent is then. I think it's crazy when someone that's gotta be the number one compliment. You're so talented. No one's ever said that to me. I've got two talents. I can do that with my arm and automatically give somebody a black eye like she can. And this is my actual talent. I can eat anything. I can eat it. I can bong. I realized that after I bonged the cocktail sauce, that's like spicy, very spicy. I can bong anything. I can eat anything. Anything's on the table. I'll eat it. I think I could eat a live fish and swallow it whole live. Yep. And then it would just be in my stomach and I'd be like, cool. And I'd shit it out. And it'd be like, I'd be like, how'd you like that?

That's my talent. I can flail my arm in a circle, like, that's my power, or I can eat anything, other people are, like, really good at, like, trade skills, like, they can do voices, they can, they can cut hair, like, I, bro, I can just eat everything, that's it, everything that's it I want to break free I want to break free five more let's keep going bro no joke I legit

spent new years worrying about death because of some guy him Justin Nunley don't tell him I said that hold on What did he just say? Bro, no joke. I legit

spent New Year's worrying about death because of some guy named Justin Nunley. Don't tell him I said that. I have no idea who Justin Nunley is. Should I? Is it? Is it? Justin

Danger Nunley? I don't know, bro. We might be going the wrong way on this one. 1.9 million. Oh, this guy. Dude, I see this guy every... He has 1.9 million fault. Oh my God. You ever watching a Tik TOK video and you're watching it and all of a sudden it goes to a guy and he's like, he like said, like, like it's like a, it's like a, what do you call that shit

on Tik TOK videos where you like duet it? I forget what it's called, but he, he, he was like popping up on my for you page every second. And I was like, oh, that's this guy, Justin Nunley. I don't know. I don't know what he's talking about, but how about when someone's telling a story and they name drop somebody or they're like, I want to go see this guy or I want to go. I met this guy at a party and they're like, do you, have you heard him? And I'm like, like I'm O for 500. Maybe I might be like four, four 2000 in my life on that. 2000 in my life on that. Have you heard of him? I'm like, no, never. How does everyone know every, everybody in everything about everything? I'm like,

I don't know. Shit. I don't know. Shit. Have you seen that movie? I'm like, how the fuck have you guys watched so many movies? Honestly, I'm looking into your eyes right now. How have you watched that many movies? Just like, I'm not, I'm not saying it's bad, but like, I'm just wondering how, when did you find the, it's crazy to me. You've never seen that? No. You don't know who that is? How would I know? I think I know like 2% of things. I don't know. Crazy to me. Yeah, we met that guy at that place. Have you heard of him? Absolutely not. Unless it's like Eminem or like Beyonce. Like don't I have no idea or like Doug Flutie unless it's like Brett Favre

I'd name like 52 Packers players I don't know them unless it's like Brett Favre Antonio Freeman Dorsey Levens Bubba Franks Clay Matthews Charles Woodson Desmond Howard

now just keep going dude I don't know love the Packers just keep going I don't know shit hi Benedict love you by the way I love you

but my worst New Year's was actually last year um my boyfriend at the time we were together for like five months he told me he couldn't come to new year's eve with my family because his dad was in the hospital okay he told me what hospital his dad was in the hospital. Okay. He told me what hospital his dad was in. I called the hospital to, you know, send flowers or something because, you know, it was New Year's Eve. Come to find out his dad was not in the hospital and he lied to me. So that was fun.

Ooh. Ooh. Damn. See, all right. Here's how we're going to do this. The guy just didn't want to upset you because he didn't want to do anything on New Year's. I can relate.

I'm not saying he's right, obviously. You just got to tell the truth all the time because you always lose when you lie. I do relate. I'm not saying he's right. Obviously you just got to tell the truth all the time because you always lose when you lie. I do anyway. I've never successfully lied. I'll start lying and be like, you know what? Fuck it. Nevermind. I just, I don't know how to say this to you. I just don't want to go. Like I will, I'll come clean halfway through a lie and be like, I just, I just, I don't want to do it. But he just didn't want to upset you, but he ended up upsetting you so much more. But you know what I mean?

Like you just got to see, see the big picture there. Like he didn't want to do anything on New Year's. It's not that he didn't like you. He just might not have been feeling it. And he was like, my dad's in the hospital. You know, just a smooth one over on you because he didn't want to see you get upset i guess that is some pussy shit though that's some bitch shit like just i guess if you don't want to do something just just straight tell them but then they're gonna hate you it's kind of a lose-lose like and he just rolled the dice thinking he could get away with it i don't know man all right i mean unless he did something

on new year's eve that was like he did some shit like not with you you know then then that is then that dude guy is a piece of shit but like if anybody invites me over or invites me out on new year's eve this year i'm gonna say no nope nope even if it's somebody i love i'll be like no not at all because there's just no better feeling of there's no better feeling to me than not than just sitting just ordering food to go to your apartment on New Year's Eve by yourself. Yep. That's it. Maybe that's what he wanted to do. So I can relate. But if you know what I mean, I guess if you don't want to do something, just tell them. I feel like people get so upset if you tell them you don't want to do something though. So like, that's where I understand his thinking, but he like, I guess he just can't. I don't want to go. I don't want to go. I'm going to start, I'm going to start saying that

in the mirror every single, I don't want to go. Maybe I need to get out. maybe i need to try some new things maybe all right so my worst new year's eve experience i was probably like 16 right yeah nice just started drinking alcohol this one's the first time my parents didn't know and i went to my friend can we just why the why the soap opera music in the background oh my oh shit bold and the beautifuls on let me send in my voice message real quick friend's house we drank like so much vodka hold on it's making it sad it's making it sad and it's not sad hold on all right so my worst new year's eve experience i was probably like 16 right just started drinking alcohol the first time my parents didn't know and i went to my friend's house we drank like so much vodka like so much fucking vodka this is so dramatic and we went to open her window because we were so drunk and like just sweating and we opened the window and her entire air conditioning fell out the window no way literally

open the window her whole air conditioning unit fell out that's some drunk shit her mom to just completely yell at us. We were 16. I'm 30. It was still the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Top five. Yeah! That's how you end a voice message. Top five. I thought air conditioning units only fell out of windows in movies.

AKA Happy Gilmore. Cause that's the only movie I've seen, but that's so that's some drunk shit. You know, only stuff like that happens when you're like high or drunk. You're like, Oh dude, the whole air conditioning unit fell out of the window.

Yeah. And then your mom yelled at you when you were drunk oh my god i wonder how that went did she know yeah she knew because you can smell it and if you're 16 drinking alcohol you were drinking like some like weird smirnoff flavored shit you can smell that through a wall smirnoff passion fruit can smell it. I can smell it at the liquor store. Maybe every voice message should have like an instrumental in the background now. Because that was hidden. I was like, somebody better not have died during this because I'll cry now.

Yeah, first time you... The time you got caught caught drinking maybe that's an espresso question did i ever get i don't know if i ever got caught every time i'm i'm gonna when i was in a place where i could get caught drinking like under 21 i always had like an escape plan every time i enter a room or a party i was like okay this is what's going to happen. I'm going to go in the bathroom and there's a window in the bathroom and I can just, I can like, as anything goes and the cops are there, you know? So if the cops showed up to a party, I'd be like, okay, I'm going to go to the bathroom.

There's a window in the bathroom. I'm going to kick out the screen. Cause it doesn't matter. I'm running from the cops. I'm going to kick out the screen. I'll Venmo you 30 bucks to buy a new screen. And I'm gone. I'm gone. I always had a plan. Dude, the whole AC unit coming out of the window is insane. I just don't know how those AC units work. There's two in my apartment in LA and I have no idea what is happening. I'm like, how does this make the air cold? I've got a lot of questions about shit like that. You ever just look at a power outlet and think,

huh? I can just plug everything in here and it works. Doesn't make sense. All right, let's keep going. All right. Also, it's me again. Hiny she's back um second worst new year's eve i went to the beach same year

16 years old first year of drinking the music i went to the beach with my friends rented a beach house let's go to the beach beach let's go to the beach hanging out with with the fam like whatever having a good time i got so fucked up who are you i love you straight liquor i threw up in the sink. Love that. Violently. And my, my best friend, I mean,

I was fully blacked out. Obviously my best friend, she came in. God bless her. Olivia. Amazing. We love you. Whenever you say God bless somebody,

they did something fucked or they're just so dumb. Amen. And she scooped my fucking vomit out of the sink with her palms literally went in palmed my puke out of the sink and our best friend's mom whose whose beach house it was she was like trying to come in and see it was just like are you guys okay whatever she literally looked in and she saw us scooping my goddamn puke out of the sink and ladling it with our ladling it i think I'd be down with that. Like if,

uh, if somebody, if somebody I love threw up, I'd let them throw up in my hands. Cause it's like warm, you know, like it's not that bad. Like just, I'm down for that.

Dude, that's a real ass homie. But how chunky was your throw up is all I want to know. It can't go down the drain. I know it's probably got one of the, Oh yeah. Okay. Throw up is pretty thick, isn't it? What was it? I need the deets on the throw up. Can you, can you tell me what you ate that day? What was the last thing I threw up? What was the last thing I threw up? But I'll never eat it again.

What's the last thing I threw up? Salmon, bro. I had a bad episode with salmon. I told you guys this, but I like, I ate a bunch of, I candied salmon, candied salmon. I saw it and I was like, I really like salmon and candy. So what is that? They're like, it's good, bro. I ate it.

I threw up for a whole day whole day the whole night just peeing out of my butt and just throwing up like but and when i throw up dude it is if you don't throw up like violently i don't fuck off you know if you throw up like gentle you're an idiot just let it rip if you're gonna throw up like i want i want to see it spray when i throw up in a toilet it's it i'm like that was like if a fire if you just fucking if you hit a fire hydrant with your car and it's like, that's my throw up. That's how it should always be. But if you like, I think I would, um, I would ladle somebody throw up with my hands if I loved them enough.

Kind of warm, kind of tangy. Takes your fingerprints off all that stomach acid. You got no fingerprints off. All that stomach acid. You got no fingerprints after. Whoops. Last one. I'm finishing this story, bitch. So she ladled my vomit. Yo, you got to leave a voice message every week,

whoever this is, because you're fire. Into the toilet with her bare hands. And her mom saw me do it it was so mortifying and it was such a crazy like new year's eve moment of like 16 year olds and 17 year olds just vomiting and throwing up it and she just respectfully saw us do it and what a queen of a mom she cleaned it up and tucked us all in because she was an angel baby oh and she was like this is your new year's eve as 16 year olds and i'm going to respect that so yeah sorry this is like a 35 part story no i like you benny i'm sorry i'm drunk i love you i love you too now throw up in

my hands that's insane what a mom what a mom that just gets it hey but if hey this is all i'm going to say that was the last voice, but if this is all I'm going to say, that was the last voice message. But if this is all I'm going to say on New Year's Eve, if somebody's if somebody's dead from drinking and you want them to love you forever, this is what you do. You clean them up. You might have to change their clothes. Put them in something comfy. Put a blanket over them. And here's the key. Plug their phone in right next to their stupid drunk head. And then go do whatever you got to do.

But they'll wake up and be like, oh, my God, my phone's charged. Bro, that's the number one feeling of all time. If you're down bad and you wake up and you're off oh my god i got so much shit to do today and i'm drunk and all my where's my where's my where but your phone's charged you're like okay i can do it but if your phone's on seven percent you're like no it's the worst feeling how about when you charge your phone it doesn't really charge you know just a normal night it's a wednesday go to bed chart plug your phone in out in six seconds because that's how we sleep on the espresso pod if you're not falling asleep in eight seconds you're not you're not tired enough people that can't fall asleep, do more shit.

I fall asleep in three seconds because one, I want to die. And two, I'm so tired. When I lay down, bro, all bets are off. I'm supposed to text you. I'm supposed to, dude, when I lay down, see you never. When I lay down, it's a wrap and cut. Right. When I got it gone, but I'll plug my phone in. Dude, I have, I have zero energy when I'm in my bed bro I can't do anything like it's it takes everything I have to set my alarm you know why is that is this because you're laying down and tired I can't do I don't know how people like get work done in their bed dude I can't move my finger when I'm trying when I try my arm everything is so exhausting i have to like email somebody real quick or like you know just like form a sentence to send to someone before i go to bed dude i'm like like fighting

for my life to send that shit it's so hard hard. I don't know how anybody does it, but like when you go to charge your phone and it fake charges all night, you plug it in, but it's one of those chargers where you gotta, you gotta flip your charger. You know what I mean? Like only one side of the charging thing works. You're like, what the fuck? How does this, how's this even a thing? And you plug it in and you think it's charging but it's not you wake up and your phone's on eight percent you're like god damn it and you gotta like secretly charge your phone you're like sporadically charge your phone the whole day you're like well i'm gonna be in this room for 14 minutes so i better charge my phone for 12 and your phone just the whole day is willy nilly

on 18 just surviving bro horrible day horrible day. Horrible day. Horrible day. All right. That was the espresso. Question of the week. Dear diary, dear diary. I don't know what's going on, I don't know what's going on, but I'm addicted to Subway. I know I said it on the last podcast. I know I said it, but it got worse. When I was in Indianapolis, I was there from Saturday, Saturday till maybe a week, Saturday to Saturday. That sounds about right. maybe a week, Saturday to Saturday. That sounds about right. Dude, I think when was Christmas? I don't know. I don't know what's going on with all that.

I was there for a little over a week. I had Subway every single day, every day. And it wasn't just like Sub, you know, um, a healthy sub. Dude, there was a couple of nights I'd get a... And who's buying a... This is crazy. I talk about Subway maybe on like 75% of my podcasts. I just cannot get over it. Who's... I saw somebody in Subway get a six-inch sub. For some reason,

that makes the least amount of sense to me ever. Six-inch sub? Get a footlong, eat the other half later. I want Subway right now. But there were a couple nights where I started. I was like, I got to have a meatball sub. I don't know why I got to have a meatball sub. I got a meatball sub.

And I was like, let's see if it's still hitting the same. It's way better. And then I was like, you know what what i used to get chicken bacon ranch let's do that but i wouldn't get ranch obviously because i'm not a monster but i am a bitch so i'd get the chicken i'd get the sea bitch chicken bacon but i'd get less bacon too i just get two strips on the chicken, lettuce, tomato. And then like, they have like, they have like Chipotle sauce, bro. Hey, give me a little razzle dazzle chief. You know what I mean? When they put the, when they put the mustard on there, give me, do give me something sexy. If you make a sandwich and you don't put the mustard on like

a gay man, I don't want the sandwich anymore give me a swirl give me a zigzag hey give me a money sign i think i think if i if i made 10 sandwiches in my life nine of them had a money sign and mustard on them ah fuck fuck if you're making a sandwich and the sauce you put on it is not something fun I don't want the sandwich anymore sorry but no

Subway is hitting and like as I kept going I got it every day as I kept going to Sub it every day as i kept going to subway i would keep getting more shit like it started with a meatball sub then i got a chicken bacon ranch then i got like a cookie a cookie i don't need all the cook and then dude by the end of the week i was getting like drinks i was getting chips chips. I was getting six cookies, two foot longs. I will mow down two foot longs.

Mow. My mouth is a wood chipper with Subway. One after the other. Clockwork. Two foot longs bro like nothing happened either I'm going to Subway right after this podcast that shit is banging

anyway the oatmeal raisin cookies at Subway shut the fuck up ew oatmeal raisin no if you know cookies oatmeal raisin. No. If you know cookies, oatmeal raisin is it. Final answer.

Story ends there, people. Oh, uh, Dear Diary, my Indianapolis show was lit. I didn't know how it was gonna go, and that's part of the reason why I started eating Subway so much. Like, there were three days until the show. I was planning all my shit, like getting it ready, you know, getting a set ready, going to hitting different mics and shows trying to get, you know, it's a lot of pressure because

one, I have a headlined in like a while. Like I do a lot of standup, but it's always like 15 minute sets you know but now i gotta do 45 minutes so i'm like gotta get my shit together dude because my worst fear of all time is being up there and forgetting where i am in my set i've had so many dreams where i forget and i'm on stage and i'm like oh shit what am i supposed to next, bro? And it's happened in real life too. Yeah. Because like, this is the golden rule of comedy for me. And I've talked to some other people about this and it's the same for them.

Anytime you do a show and like your girlfriend's there or your family's there, you're going to bomb. And one time I did a show and my girlfriend came to it at the time and I forgot everything I was going to say. And I went back off stage. I was like, I don't know. And I just went out the door and then I came back in like I, like I restarted it. And for some reason it, like the crowd was like, okay, that was funny. And I was like, all right. So i was like all right so i just like in that panic i remembered what i was supposed to say but like thank god but uh yeah golden rule of comedy you're gonna bomb if anyone you like is there so i'm doing the show in indianapolis and everyone i know is there so i'm like i got a crush So that's a lot of pressure. So I'm spiraling all week

because I'm nervous. And I started getting Subway because baby's not going to drink. Gross. I'm not going to. What else am I going to do? I'm not going to smoke. So what am I going to do? I'm going to eat meatball subs because it makes me feel good. And I'm doing that tonight. I'm about to go get a meatball sub right now. I'm going to walk my happy ass right down the street, Hollywood Boulevard subway and get a meatball sub. But the show is lit. If you came to the Indianapolis show, thank you so much. I'm never going to forget it. It was one of the best nights of my life. It was exhausting because I forgot how hard it is to do two shows in a row. I can't imagine how people do five.

I'll figure it out one day. But for now, I'm like, yo, that was a lot of like, imagine like you do a whole show. And then you have to do it all over again. In between shows, I was like, yo, I got to stay focused. And everybody's there that you know, and you just want to say hi, and blah, blah, blah.

It was tough, but fuck it. But thank you for coming. It was one of the best nights of my life ever. And everybody that showed up, bro, thanks for saying hi. That means a lot to me. Thanks for getting the pics. I'll see you in St. Louis.

And it's going to go even harder. Every time, it just gets better and better. So I can't wait. Thank you, Indianapolis. See you soon, St. Louis. Show and tell. All right. There's, Indianapolis. See you soon, St. Louis. Show and tell. All right, there's... I love...

This one's for me. I love... Like... I love uniforms. I love alternate uniforms. NBA, NFL. I just fucking love it for some reason. I don't know the number style fonts. I love all of that shit. And I love secondary logos, not the main logo.

Like, you know how the Colts or like the fucking, whatever your hometown football team is, has their logo. And then they have like an alternate logo i love the alternate because it's like it's a little hornier it's a little kinkier and you're like oh there's just something about it that made and uh i went to a thrift store and i found this hat have you ever seen the bowls alternate logo look at this masterpiece with the horns this this type of shit makes me drool i love this and i had to buy it and i had to show you guys but there's this thrift store in indianapolis that i went to on Christmas Eve. Probably that was probably the best day ever. Like, like the, when I saw everybody at the Indianapolis show, that was fun, but the best day ever Christmas Eve, I just woke up, worked out. So got the, got the bullshit out

of the way. I worked out and then all day, I'm just, I'm just shopping. I go to a thrift store and they have this and some purple camo pants. I'm like, it's all I need. Best day of my life. Did I get Subway? Yes. Yes, I did. It was 5.55. Subway closed at six. And you bet your sweet ass I walked in there got a meatball sub and three cookies and a lemonade and ate it in the car while listening to Hilary Duff best day of my life okay cringe moment of the week cringe moment of the week um all right so i was in la i'm working out at this gold's gym it's a new gold's gym half of it's outside uh i hate to be i work out guy on the podcast but like dude i do so like you should too i don't like working out. I hate it. But you got to do it.

Because I'm trying to be hot. If you're not trying to be hot a little bit, I mean, come on. So, yeah, I work out. Go to this Gold's Gym. Everybody's hot there. Everybody's under 30. I'm like, yo, what? I'm trying to, like, you know. I'm trying to, like, I kind of get blown away a little bit. I'm like, yo what I'm trying to like you know I'm trying to like I kind of get blown

away a little bit I'm like oh shit dude I better like be on my game thank god I'm wearing like like decent looking workout stuff because you know like people when people work out it's like their first year of working out and they're kind of like, they're kind of like they try hard. So they like where they get their fits off at the gym. Maybe it's an LA thing, but dudes are getting their fits off. I'm like, I would wear that to the mall and he's working out in it.

Girls are full beat, bro. They got, they got all their makeup on eyelashes on i'm like yo where am i right now so i got the i got the cropped espresso merch on espresso hoodie benedictmerch.com 25 off when you type in f boy at checkout the espresso merch is by far my favorite because it just looks so good on a hoodie. Cropped it, wear it to the gym.

Got some Jordan shorts on, you know, normal, normal shit, dude. I wear the same thing to work out every single day. I've worn the same thing for four years to work out. I don't get my fits off. Maybe, maybe shoes. Maybe I'll like buy some like $120 workout shoes. I go in there and I'm like, damn, I better work hard because people are in the... We're in here. People are wearing shit they got for Christmas in there.

I'm like, yo. So I'm doing my thing. I'm getting a little sweaty. And you start to get sweaty when you're working out. You're like, oh, I'm going hard. Guy comes up to me and he goes, hey. I'm like, oh, God. I immediately think I'm in trouble because anytime anyone talks to me, I think I'm in trouble.

He goes. So you're just going to lose every year on that show. Cringe moment of the week. And he really starts asking me about it. He's like, bro, you're just going to lose every year. Why don't you? You didn't think to, like, up on season three i was like yo you know way too much and like being funny with him but he was like serious he was like dude no for real like you couldn't like you get this close

every time why don't you just and i was like bro i was a i was a whole f boy this year i i changed it up and we start like but then he starts like laughing and shit and like we start having a good time but he was just like god damn dude can you just i that's a that's the type of interaction i love though like if i see somebody out in public and they recognize me and say what's up like i want you to be like crazy i don't want you to be like like like bro i'm just a normal fuck you know just like you can talk shit it's funny to me but i do love when people say hey like if somebody reads if somebody says what's up like i like i love you i will hug you maybe kiss you too only if you're a dude though but uh if you say what's up to me in public i love you forever um what else happened

cringe moment of the week um okay i was in a plane coming to la every time he says coming he thinks of bad things and i'll never be mature but it happened it happens every time when someone says come it happens every time when I say it too there were two flight attendants I was in the aisle on my flight and I was like okay damn that sucks because I never know when I book a flight I'm just like I don't know what seat like just fucking put me in a seat they all suck I don't care you know you're picking a flight and it's like do you want to be in the back do you want to be in the middle do you want to upgrade the seat $16 this one's 29 this one's 35 I'm like just fucking put me in the free seat they all suck I could be the pilot of the in the captain captain's chair. And I'd be like,

this fucking sucks. So I just pick a random ass seat. They put me in the aisle and I'm like, yo, that sucks that I'm in the aisle because every time I'm in the aisle on a plane, they, the stewardesses just beat the shit out of me. Doesn't matter if they're walking by, dude, if my knee is this much, this much, my knee is this much in the aisle, it's getting dislocated by the drink cart. Dude, some, dude, they don't give a shit. It's crazy to me, dude. A flight attendant will just kick the shit out of your foot. And I'm like, yo, dude, I'm sorry. My shoelace was in the aisle. Dislocated shoulder, torn ACL. What happened? Oh, I just took a Delta flight. Dude, the drink car, they literally ran over my foot with the drink cart and it didn't even look back i was like jesus

oh my god man but yeah that's that's that um and before we took off i took a picture of two flight attendants that were on the plane and i was like a picture of two flight attendants that were on the plane. And I was like, the look of two flight attendants that are going to beat the trash out of me with the drink cart. And I posted it on my story on Instagram. And I got the free Wi-Fi on the plane. And during the flight, one of them DMs me and goes, whoops, not that being me. And I was like, bring the drink cart over to seat 29 F and pour coffee on my head,

please, please. But even that, thanks for saying what's up. thanks for saying what's up thanks for saying what's up it is crazy though dude flight attendants will beat the shit out of you what else cringe moment of the week so i wasn't in my la apartment for like however many days i was in indianapolis like nine days or something like that and i come back to the apartment thinking everything's gonna be fine and dandy because i actually left it in a good

i was like i cleaned some shit up like i'm gonna be happy when i get home but i get home and i don't know if i'm stupid or deaf or what, but I sit down at my computer and dude, something's just chirping. And I'm like, what the fuck is that? Time to find it. Like I, at first, this is how dumb I am. At first I thought it was a cricket outside. And I was like, that's a loud cricket. And I'm like, well, that's coming from the living room like where i am right now and i'm like that's my computer's making that noise i'm like oh and i look up on google macbook chirping sound and it's like that, that means your MacBook, uh, when you installed the

RAM memory in your MacBook, it wasn't installed directly. And I'm like, I never fucking did that. So I don't know what that's talking about. Now I got to take my whole ass computer to the Apple store and then like, I take a shower and it hits me. I'm like, that's my fucking smoke detector. How could I, you know, when you hear a sound, you're like, where is that coming from? And then, so I'm doing 1200 different things. I got to leave that. Like, like I'm in a hurry, bro. Like I'm, like I'm mad. You ever been in a hurry so much where you just got to do this like four times during your, like, I got to hurry for five hours. I got to stay on task. I can't have any ADHD. I just got to fuck. I just got to go crazy. I got to be locked in focused. And I did this so many times during my hurry hours.

And I had to like give myself a self-talk. I was like, stay locked in you dumb ass. So I didn't have time to mess with the smoke detector. So i'm doing all this shit in my apartment every five seconds i'm like dude i'm like of course i have one of these smoke detectors right now i like the i guess the battery was going out i don't know so i'm like i gotta leave i come back to my apartment i hit a walgreens i get the nine volt battery we're I'm going to change this before I blow my head off. Open up the smoke. Smoke detectors piss me off, dude. I'd rather have my whole

goddamn place burned down. I'm like, why is this so annoying? Hey, smoke detectors, fucking plug them in so we don't have to change the batteries. And how come everyone's is done? Oh my god dude has the smoke detector ever fucking worked and saved someone's life i kind of think no

because jesus dude and then obviously this happens it can never go right i open the smoke detector change the battery fucking lock it back in beep beep beep i'm like dude okay maybe that was like the final beep that confirmed that the battery's in we're good to go beep beep beep i'm like there's no fucking way that the smoke detector i changed the battery in the smoke detector. It's still going to beep. Like, what do you want me to do? I don't know about smoke detectors. I don't have smoke detector knowledge. Jesus Christ, bro. So I, I take a shower cause I'm pissed the whole time I take a shower. And then dude, I just, I, I cannot. Why? there's one rule of smoke detectors just change the battery and that's it nope not even that i got the right battery i put it in the right way i

did all the shit smoke detector please please help me jesus christ i feel like a slave to a smoke detector dude so i just ripped it off the wall and put it in my car so I didn't have to hear it anymore. So right now, I just have a gutted circle in my wall with wires hanging out of it. And I put the smoke detector in my car because I was like, I smoke detector, you're lucky I didn't throw your bitch ass in a pond. So right now, it's just in my car. Beep, beep, beep. I right now it's just in my car. I can't hear it.

And I'm proud. I might never drive anywhere again because it's pissing me. I'm like, it took everything in me not to put that on the ground and stomp on it like a Coke can. Shut the fuck up. Oh my God, dude. Cringe moment of the week. All right. Let's see days of the week then i'll shut up

i can't wait for new year's so i don't do a goddamn thing thursday national short film day um man man i know that's like a like an, short films. And I know you got to start somewhere, but man, I've never watched one. Never watched a short film. Congrats on being short though. You got me there. Short film day. At least it's short, but i've i'm just not a movie person i never will be short film no i'm sorry but i'll i mean if i'm ever in a movie it will probably be a short film and i'm gonna eat my words one day how about me wanting to be an actor and just not seeing any movies ever? You've never seen that?

No. What do you want to do? Be an actor. Huh? That's me. That's me. National card playing day. Oh, God, bro.

I know I've been kind of a whiny little. Dude, my mom, instead of saying whiny, my mom used to say snotty. Quit being so snotty. Weird words your parents said for 500. Snotty. Why are you being so snotty? Ew. Sorry, I'm being so snotty ew sorry i'm being so snotty national card playing day you cannot man even if it was like

i don't think i can ever that's one thing i can't do I don't think I can ever. That's one thing I can't do. If you're going to teach me how to play it, no, I just can't do it. I've talked about this before, so I don't really want to go in on it, but it's just the last thing I'm willing to do is learn something.

Imagine learning something. Imagine figuring something out. Imagine getting it. Like a whole ass card game explanation and then you execute it you got to be the smartest person in the in the world dude if you explain a card game to me it's going to take me a whole year i'm gonna have to play it every single day and come back the next year and then we play and i'll be able to play but every time there's a card game and there's a group of people i'm like you play for me and i'm gonna i'm just gonna be here dude i've been invited to so many like you euchre i've been

invited to so many euchre parties and i'm like i'll go but I'm not touching a card. Dude, it's just work. Dude, if we're hanging out, work is all day. And then you want me to stop working, go to your house, and work more? You want me to memorize stuff and learn stuff and pay attention? Yo, I can do three adult things a day. Three. This is one of them. This is one of three adult things in this podcast. Dude. And then I'll do one more thing. And then I'll do one more thing. I got to clean my apartment and I got to put together. I got to do some other shit.

But then after all that, you want me to sit there and like think? No! I love when I turn into Satan on this podcast. No! No! Gross, dude. Euchre tournament? Suck it.

Hey, we're having a Euchre tournament. You want to... Blast a hole in his chest like a cartoon you don't want a cartoon get shot but they're not dead and there's like smoke coming off of them and they just have a gaping hole in their chest and you can see through them i'm picturing bugs bunny that's what i just did to the guy asking me if I want to play cards hey do you want to pledge of allegiance day can we update it

update the shit you remember when the church updated church and everybody's like no no they should have they should have updated a lot more too but pledge of allegiance day this thing should be six seconds long and every word should mean something the pledge of allegiance right now it's like what the fuck are we talking about i pledge allegiance to the flag the figure the the thought that we had to do that every morning growing up is culty of the united states what a fucking oh my god dude if you made me say a prayer and the prayer

and pledge let's go every morning the fact that we were just doing that is amazing i pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america oh my god fucking kill me dude i can't even take the national anthem when they do the national anthem before a game i'm like i'm going to the bathroom or changing the channel this shit is boring worst part of the game imagine being a player in a basketball game and you're ready to go i can't wait to get out there and play and then you gotta fucking do the national anthem i'll be like i don't want to play anymore dude that's annoying the pledge prayer and pledge every day at the beginning of the school day. Shut up!

I'm done. Maybe the first day of school, but Jesus, every day? Am I crazy? That shit is annoying. Friday. National Pepper Pot Day? I don't know what that is but um i'll eat it you know me babe i'll bong it what's the next thing i should bong new question barbecue sauce i'll take down some a1 oh Oh my God. Oh my God.

Nothing's worse than that cocktail sauce. So now I feel like the sky's the limit. I feel like I could have died and I didn't. I escaped death. The way I walked. Oh, I knew that day was going to be bad when I bonged the cocktail sauce. I woke up and I was like, fuck. Because like, it's the fact that I had to go to the mall to buy a bonged the cocktail sauce. I woke up and I was like, fuck. Because it's the fact that I had to go to the mall

to buy a bong to do it. That was the worst part. I was like, man, I got to prepare to die. Okay. Is he going to bong barbecue sauce for the St. Louis show? We'll see. No interruptions day.

Couldn't be me. Could not be me, man. If there, if there's anything I love more than an interruption, I, I self sabotage the whole day by interrupting myself. God, I'm so hungry right now. And that's part of it right there. Like before I did this podcast, I was just eating and drinking everything. Cause I was like, I don't know. Maybe I will. I think I ate three chocolate balls. How about those, those chocolates that are like gold? They're like, they have a weird like name. You know what I'm talking about? They're, they come around, they come out during Christmas, but they're like, you know, they're, you can get them all year round they're like super bougie looking and they're like in like the half shell thing and like there's a gold foil ball they're called like something far like it's the most like why the fuck would I buy that candy you know what I'm

talking about why the what those suck you know what you know what I mean talking about, why the, what, those suck, you know, well, you know what I mean, what are those, I don't, I don't want to look them up, because I don't want to give them any airtime, but I'm like, those can, those can, like, those can go right to hell, bro, if those disappeared, I think everybody would be like, oh, yeah, those, I remember those, no one would care, Oh, yeah, those. I remember those. No one would care. Far our chocolate.

For Ferraro. Yeah, there it is. Hey, if you like these, I mean. I don't know what to tell you, bro. They're not good, though. Ferraro wrote Rocher. What the fuck? Ferraro Rocher? What the fuck? Ferrero Rocher. I don't like you. They're just so mid. They're just so mid. They really are. They're just like, hey, Ferrero Rocher chocolates. Who's buying this? But I've never gotten more than this year.

I was getting them for Christmas. Oh, here you want to, have you ever had one of the, no, I've never had one of those. Cause they look like, they look like no fun. That's what that candy is. No fun. Not, they look like some grandparents candy and even grandparents would be like nah i don't want that shit ferrero rocher chocolates get out of here man who do you think you are coming in here with your razzle dazzle ass gold wrapper i don't know i don't that's just not uh and I'm not talking shit like I haven't had them I ate them and they're like I had three of them and I was like these no I'd rather have an M&M original original M&M you know those are the worst ever original M&Ms. Yeah, I'm not.

I'm just not. I'm not into those. And I wish I could be. And salute if you like them. But do you really? Are you lying to yourself? There's so much better candy out there that you can fuck up.

Ferrero Rocher. Sorry, babe. Sorry, babe. Hey, you're trying too hard. I know you got to try, but you got it, but you just haven't found it yet. But I think you think you've found it and that's where you're wrong. Saturday. Oh no. Okay. Yeah. Saturday national bicarbonate of soda day i don't know what that means but lately i had a dr pepper there's no reason dr pepper should be that good there is no reason dr pepper should taste slap like that i took one sip and i was like, you know, I've had Dr. Pepper before, but fuck. That shit is good. And it was kind of like, like not great for a while.

And then they really, something happened and Dr. Pepper started, they like, I don't know what, what, what it was, but people's like, I, I know now I get it. Maybe it was the college football thing that they did, but like their marketing promotion, I was like, Oh no, Dr. I tried it the other day. I'm like, this is just ice cream. This is cold ice cream melted. Fuck, it was so good, dude. That tastes like nothing else in the world. Dr. Pepper tastes like nothing.

Coke is like, but Dr. Sprite is like, all right. Okay, I get what they're doing with Sprite. There's no really household carbonated drinks that hit like Dr. Pepper Sprite. There's no really household. Carbonated drinks. That hit like Dr. Pepper Sprite. For a minute I was into like Crush. But now I'm like. It kind of gives me a headache.

But Dr. Pepper is so good. Dr. Pepper. I get it. I get how people are addicted to Dr. Pepper. Like fuck. That is. I drank that shit., I get it. I get how people are addicted to Dr. Pepper. Like, fuck, that is, that, I drank that shit and I say this, that is snazzy. It makes me want to snap my fingers and do, shake my little stupid ass. So good. Imagine like having a bowl of ice cream and putting dr pepper in it i feel like the whole entire your apartment would explode there's no reason dr pepper should slap like that sprite sprites up there too you ever had a sprite and you're just like god damn that's exactly what I wanted like for some reason when I want a Sprite like I gotta have a Sprite the word Sprite it tastes like Sprite like it tastes like the word Sprite I don't know how they did that but damn

and it is like refreshing you're like, hmm, hmm, hmm. Where are we at? Where are we at on time? We're just fucking chit-chatting away today, aren't we? Sunday, National Champagne Day. Never really understood champagne. Red wine, I get it because it, it like tastes a certain way but champagne i'm like this just tastes like sparkling water that someone pissed in i've never gotten that before champagne and what's the other one pinot noir pinot grigio i'm like this tastes like piss but i mean you could say

that about a lot of stuff like beer i'm like this tastes gross actually all the time but i'm still like i've had beer before sometimes it is refreshing though guy who said he stopped drinking but now wants beer like i get it for some reason i do get it at the end of a long day you ever just want to go home and crack a beer kind of you know what now that you say it a bottled anything in a bottle bottles and cans dude it's such a different thing it's the same thing just packaged differently no that's that's not that's not it it's the same thing it's just in a different fucking package there it is that's ashley the producer i never told you guys about no anything in a bottle is a thousand times better it's crazy actually

but it's just so much better and more fun it's more fun and you know that universal hour of peace day no thank you new year's eve is sunday the holidays are really there the holidays really got it confused this year i'm like no way christmas is on a monday that's disgusting huh and new year's eve is on a sunday that's so weird but like i guess we're doing it make up your mind day that's not gonna be me dude i can't decide on shit because i've made so many everything why can't you decide you need to why can't you decide because i dude i decide on and i'm always wrong i've never been right so that's why i don't like making decisions you don't like making

decisions because you're like a libra rising scorpio capri sun animal crackers no i just every time i decide on something it's fucking wrong and it pisses me off so i don't want to do it anymore that's why you like can't make decisions i know because every time i do it's fucking wrong and it pisses me off. I don't want to do it anymore. That's why. You can't make decisions. I know because every time I do, it ruins my day. That's why I can't make decisions. Thank you. Bye.

I call him back and I'm like, should I have hung up? Monday. New Year's Day. New Year's Day. What a stupid day. Everybody's just like, huh, is that open? Over under on how many times New Year's Day I'm going to go. I wonder if that's open today. But that is an issue, though. I was hungry on Christmas Eve. Good luck. Nothing open. Nothing. What are you supposed to do if you're hungry on Christmas Eve?

Okay. My bad. After a certain time, it's like 8 30 PM Christmas Eve. I was like, dog, um, not even Walgreens gas station, food services, food marts and shit. Food marts, such an old ass word. I just said nothing. I'm like Papa John's closed at 6 PM on Christmas Eve. Shut up. Stay open. Are you kidding me? stay open are you kidding me christmas eve pizza christmas eve za now we're talking but i didn't eat a goddamn thing on christmas eve i woke up on christmas starving i didn't eat till like 4 p.m christmas eve was or christ Christmas Day was bad for me, bro. It's bad. Went to like my step mom's house. It was so weird. Like, you know, when something's so like it doesn't hit, you know,

when something's so uncomfortable, it wasn't uncomfortable. I was just like, I don't want to. This sucks. You know, when something sucks so bad, you got to take a nap after to like forget it something so uncomfortable it wasn't uncomfortable i was just like i don't want to this sucks you know when something sucks so bad you got to take a nap after to like forget it happened that's what i had to do on christmas i was like i'm trying to enjoy this and not be like in a bad mood and like trying to like you know just just fucking do it and be entertaining and a good person and like you know light hearted all the things I was like, I w I'm doing it. I'm trying, but it's just not working. And I went home, it was raining and shit. And I went home and I, I had to, I went to sleep for like three hours. Cause I was like,

that sucked. And then I woke up and I was in a better mood. Something ever sucks so bad. You gotta kind of die after it for three hours. Just die. I was like, I got to die after that. I woke up and I was like, okay, back. Sometimes you just got to die. What do we do when we don't like something? We just die for a little bit on the couch with SportsCenter on. Six volume SportsCenter. Perfect. Perfect.

I don't need to hear sports center. I can just watch it and then go to sleep with a big blanket. Love it. Love it. All right. I got to go. This is crazy. I love you guys. Express fam join Patreon, get every other podcast in a live stream on sunday and all the secrets in the world and some merch and like bro just it's a good time over there and i encourage you to join i would like you to join please because it's how i survive and uh i'll see you in st louis got a show january 25th uh it's gonna be a banger and we're gonna kiss after get your merch benedictmerch.com f boy at checkout for 25 off and watch f boy island season one two and three on the cw it's free you don't even have to log in you just get the app and then on the CW. It's free. You don't even have to log in. You just get the app and then

type in FYI and it's probably on the home screen and then you just watch it. It's good. Promise. What else, man? I know there's some other shit. I know there's some other announcements. I think that's it. Yeah.

Tell your homies and your girlies about the pod cause we're a fam here and it's just gonna get better and better and I love you guys thanks so much see you next time ciao fuck