Everything Is Content - Everything In Conversation: Agony Aunts, Love Stories & Saying The Thing

Episode Date: August 26, 2026

Hello EICrushes!This week's episode is brought to you by Hinge, who are helping us to get deep into discussions about romantic advice, taking risks in love and 'saying the thing' (whatever that thing may be).First up we're chatting about dating advice. Where does the impulse come from to seek it and give it, who do we personally trust and can advice still be helpful even if you don't take it?Next up we discuss Hinge's newly released No Ordinary Love audiobook- the third iteration of the series. Five stories, written by five amazing authors about five real Hinge couples who all took a risk. We also talk about our own big leaps- Oenone in getting back with an ex, Beth in asking for what she wanted and Ruchira in sharing her fears with her now husband.And then finally we read out your dating takes and dilemmas- fizzling fears, advice skepticism and more!Thank you all so much for listening and to Hinge for sponsoring this episode! We can't wait to hear about your favourite stories from the No Ordinary Love series, so consider our DMs wide open for any and all thoughts, feelings & opinions. We LOVE being in conversation with you all.O, R, B xLinksSpotify - Hinge Presents: No Ordinary Love narrated by Tembe Denton-Hurst, Nicola Dinan, Curtis Garner, Raven Smith, and Rufi Thorpe Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'm Beth. I'm Richerra. And I'm Anoni. And this is Everything in Conversation. A content snack before your Friday feast. This week we're exploring why we're so drawn to relationship agonance, advice books and where the industry is going, both good and bad. I want to get into the good, the bad and the ugly of dating and relationship advice. But firstly, I wanted to ask you both. How important is relationship. relationship advice to you. Are you someone that has taken it that seeks it out? Do you ever read like Agony Aunt columns or tune into Relationship Advice podcasts? So I feel like I come and go with this kind of thing. I guess it makes sense that when I am feeling a bit lost, I definitely rely on some Agony Aunt style things. I definitely listen to those kind of like therapy relationship style podcasts. and I definitely went through a phase of listening to them quite extensively

just because I feel like sometimes they can feel quite gossipy, but also they can just feel quite enlightening because there's so many different things that happen to people when they're in love, when they're in long-term relationships, when they break up, all those kinds of things. And I just feel like we're not really given a guidebook on it and that's become a bit of a guidebook. And even if it's not something that's happening to me,

Sometimes I just get in the frame of mind of just thinking, this is a long old life. I wonder how people make it work when they're in love or when they're falling in love. What about you, Beth? Totally the same. I will, if anyone ever wants a recommendation for an advice column or a book, slide in our DMs, I swear to God I will sort you out. I have this kind of like insightfully acknowledge of ones that I've read. But yeah, I have for years and years, love this style of writing.

I love, especially it is reading sort of into your own future. I'm reading about people that have been married and divorced. I'm reading about people that have been widded. I'm reading about people who have been through, you know, certain grief or certain situations that I'm yet to find myself in. But I do think knowing life, life is long, I will be there at some point. I think it's so insightful. I don't even think it's an over-ergging it by saying certain advice that I've read and even received personally has changed my life. I know that there's so much bad advice out there. But a good piece of advice can genuinely rewire your life and re-root your entire existence, I personally think. Well, I think we needed it. I think we grew up with such toxic ideas of what love was, like the fireworks and the sparks, and you'll know it as soon as you see it and it's love at first sight. And if they're not whatever, even though in a funny way and we'll come on to this, like that kind of rhetoric is coming back on some circles on the internet, which kind of champion this idea that, you know, if you wanted to, we would, when you know, you know. So I needed concrete, maybe a bit more sort of like grounded, logical, not even advice,

but kind of templates for what love can look like, not should look like, because that's another great thing about reading, listening and being curious broadly about relationships is they do often look very different. And you might just find your kind of Goldilocks porridge in and amongst a big load of stories that don't relate to you. One of my favorite things to do, though, is I am obsessed with when I meet usually like a parent's friends who have a really interesting love story, where they're older than me. It's usually like a really fabulous woman who I'm already sort of like kind of obsessed with, want to be like her. And then she tells me like a wonderful story about how her and her partner arrived at the place they were at in a way that feels less conventional or more exciting.

and it just gives me like a tangible framework to be like, especially when I was single, to be like, okay, there's lots of ways to arrive there. But yeah, I mean, I do, I am a sucker for it. And also, I'm just nosy. So I do love reading Agnly-a-Colum. It's not even because I don't even necessarily care about the answer. I just like care about other people's problems. I mean, we are definitely in a golden age.

Or I don't know if you call that. Maybe it's too much information about relationships and dating advice because of the access that we have to content. And as we know, everything. is content specifically everyone's relationships everything is online is this a simpler time because we will have all of this information at our fingertips which gives us the knowledge that we so crave or do you think maybe it can make things a bit harder out there so i think exactly what you said it just feels like it's become harder to know where to go for advice in a way and i feel like

what you said right at the beginning asking people has always been the best form for me i remember when I was single, just constantly asking people in relationships, I was like, but when did you, like, when did you get into the relationship? Like, obviously you date, but like, when does it become a thing? Because I just felt like, when I was single, things kept fizzling out and it almost felt unimaginable and it felt impossible to remember how things naturally fall into place. So I just needed people to say that. And that's the kind of thing where it's so hyper-specific and niche, that question or what I was searching for, that I could only ever just get that from people and sitting down at the pub or over dinner or whatever. and just asking them directly, can you break down in the most granular detail, how you've ended up with the person you're with, or how your last date went?

I just think it's the comparing of notes that I found really, really helpful. I do think the internet has made it really difficult. There's all these labels and trends and moments that people talk about. There's all this new glossary of things that we're meant to know about dating, all these experiences that people have put words to. And I think it can become really overwhelming just because, I mean, there's a new language. language for dating and romance and love, but it's also just helping to make the situation feel even more complex than ever before. So yes, the past might have been simpler and more difficult in lots of ways because the advice was less. But now I feel like it's gone supercharged in the

other direction perhaps. Yeah, I think it's something so lovely about exchanging advice. I mean, obviously it's not about treating your friends as kind of round the clock advice columnist, but I think asking for help or just being like, what do you make of this? It's so holistic. It's so lovely and it's so helpful to remember why people give advice, even if the advice is not what you end up going with. I think it's the talking about it. It's the sharing. It's a kind of intimacy, isn't it, that ends with you having a bit of clarity, hopefully, or even if you've got no clarity, you have at least shared, you have at least half your problem. And I do think advice when kind of given and sort out, not asking for too much from that person, I just think it's the loveliest,

like, bonding thing. And like, maybe sometimes you just have to let your friends give you the advice and you do the exact opposite thing. But it's like, so what that thing, it's like when you flip a coin in the air, it's not about letting the coin decide. It's like when the coin is spinning, you might realize, oh, I actually want to do that. This is how I want this to go. I think it can be the same with giving and receiving advice. And also, as you say, it's kind of gossipy. It's kind of a lovely, like, oh, let me see inside the beautiful mess of your dating life. And I'll show you mine. It does make me, at every point in my dating life, it has made me feel less alone. It's made me feel really hopeful because talk to a married person, talk to a person in love, talk to a person

as wise as the trees. So often they'll be like, oh, I was where you were. And unless you seek of advice, I just don't think you hear those stories often. I've just realized that I make every life decision via the tossing the coin thing. Basically, like, especially if I'm out for dinner, I will say to the waiter, should I get the X or the Y? And then they'll tell me the Y. And I'll think, great, definitely want the X. That is honestly that how I make everything. And I think sometimes advice is useful, even when it's the wrong advice, because it helps you conceptualise what you think is the right inverted commas advice. And unlike the past and the present, I mean, we all are nostalgia sick. I think we have like a problem. But I always think

about how funny is that sort of the idea of love in the past, like the love letters that were sent and the songs that are written feel so much more romantic. But we know statistically and just through evidence that relationships probably are much healthier, much better. We have a language of talking around what love is and it's so annoying that the love that we were brought up to believe was true was a fantasy in a way like those letters it obviously exists in some ways but a lot of love is actually so much more boring and so much more domestic and I think that's that's the utility of people speaking honestly in a way that I don't think that they did in the past well yeah I mean like so many of the like ancient laws around love or the tales are about people

who defy all of these situations to come back to the person they love over decades. And you kind of think our struggle right now is like so many people will not get a text back and it just feels like those two things are so different and one of them feels grander and more romantic and more exceptional and extraordinary. But the reality is the communication expectations now are so much higher. We want people to communicate more openly and we want to know what they're up to and things like So in a way, even though it feels more mundane, we're more in each other's lives and those kind of grand details of just not speaking to the person you love for decades, but like getting there and telling them

this huge declaration of love, it sounds better. But I feel like in a way, our expectations are higher now, even though it feels like everything is so much less romantic and the love is so much less powerful. I think it is a historical thing that you can track. And I do think we can look at the age we're in as one of yeah kind of more transparency around dating and love more kind of honest accounting of the domesticity of it and I do worry the only thing that I do worry about is that we're exiting an age of nuance with the advice that we give because I think because we're also transparent and we see into each other's lives but we just see glimmers I think we can sometimes slip into this really black and white thinking about advice and about dating and about you know the starts of

people's relationships sometimes and actually we are going to go. onto this with some stories from Hinge's new No Ordinary Love series. But so often you will tell some of the story of how your relationship began and they'll go, oh, and apply these labels, these kind of black and white labels of, oh, you must never give someone a second chance or that is not a good sign or, oh, no, no, no, I wouldn't have that. Whereas actually, I think it just depends. I think the prescripted advice about second chance is getting back together, couples who choose to wait a while, couples who choose to take things fast or slow. You can't put it into boxes. is you can't give love advice by numbers.

And that is the only thing I worry about, I think, as we kind of enter this era of like liberation and let's talk about the sticky things in relationships. It is that fear of people applying really broad advice. People's relationships are entire universes. And I think we should tread carefully, especially when being like, you should do this, you should do that or you must never do that.

Because really it does, it depends. I so agree about the rules, the rules we make for ourselves, the rules that we think are true. but are there like is there a myth rather than a rule is there a myth about love that you got disillusioned of that how you say that you were disillusioned with that you learned that you basically became disabused whatever you realized that it was worth this thing because my one was this idea that you have this like one true love and then I remember getting older and realizing wait this can't

be right because I've had like three already and then feeling quite sad because there's a simplicity in the idea of this like there's two souls and there's two halves and a meet a whole and it feels a bit sad that the romance of that isn't true but then it's actually such a relief because one of the most fun things to do in life is falling love so the fact that I found out I felt a bit sad that I wasn't going to meet this soulmate who's like predetermined and predestined to be mine that then thought oh what fun I could do this like for the rest of my life if I thought was there a myth like that maybe maybe people still subscribe to that but was there something that you thought was like a rigid truth about love that that

then when you realized it wasn't you're like actually it's kind of better firstly that one definitely but i also feel like realizing that i disagreed with that removed so much pressure because i was like god i have to be out every day i have to go to every country just to make sure i try and meet my soulmate what pressure on me i have to put be in every situation and have every job to try and increase my chances and probability of meeting my soulmate it's impossible it's so scary what i've what if i narrowly miss them like sliding doors how awful. So relinquishing that pressure was amazing. The other one that I had was, when you meet the right person, it will be easy. And I'm going to say, yes, I do agree with that to a degree, but it's not as black and white as that one statement. It's yes and. So things should

be easy in the sense that you shouldn't feel insecure. I believe you shouldn't feel like this person makes you feel unsure of your place in their life or how they feel about you. But I do think saying that love or being in love or being in a relationship should always be easy is setting yourself up for a bit of a nightmare because being in relationship with anyone, being in relationship with yourself is difficult. These things take introspection, you know, they take honest communication and especially if, and I will get onto this, if you are in any way avoidant like I have been previously, it does challenge you to change your communication style and to also take a risk more often than you might be comfortable with.

Those things aren't easy. It is easy because you then mould this thing into something that becomes so smooth and so wonderful and so so easy actually. But it takes a bit of grafting, at least in my experience. And that was something I learned, but it made it nicer in the longer term because I think I've grown into a better person. and I'm really happy with a lot of the changes that I've encouraged myself to make, such as taking a risk with friendships, with relationships, being honest, and speaking my truth and giving people a chance to know the real me. What about you, Beth?

I love those ones. I think just in my, like, such a solid list. It is you don't have to believe in soulmates and it's not unromantic to. And that relationships, even great relationships are easy. I think those two, I'm going to piggyback on those ones. I think mine is maybe more of a dating myth that dating the right person or a person you have loads of chemistry with equals a rollercoaster of emotions and that there's nothing to do and that dating, early dating especially is this kind of exchange of coded messages and mixed signals and things like that. I had this idea. I had this notion of okay, but it's early dating.

So, of course, I have to feel unsure. It's early dating, of course, you know, that's my issue to deal with in-house. My uncertainty, my whatever. I just have to grin and bear it. and maybe with the right person, it will end in, you know, secure bliss. But until that point, I just have to suffer. I took until my late 20s, which I'm not going to say as like embarrassingly late, but for me, I was like, oh, I wish this had been sooner is when I realized,

oh, it's a myth that I can't do anything about this. It's a myth that I have to play it cool to a certain extent and that I can't at any point, just go, hey, what's the situation? I think this is probably a myth of my own making, but when I realized there wasn't a rule and that I could just open my mouth and speak, oh my God, my entire dating universe opened up, exploded. Yeah, but also it works in reverse

because there's, we need these frame. It helps, like humans are always looking for stories and frameworks and guidelines and information that makes you make sense of things. But the irony is that some person, because we have all these labels like playing at cool, being too keen, what for someone, they might perceive as playing at cool

is just someone's relaxed nature or someone being keen is just a very enthusiastic person. And so that's the other thing. like people are so complex and no one person will have the same relationship with someone else. Like every single relationship I've had, I've been the same person, but I've also changed and I would have brought out and received different things from those partners than their other partners might have done.

And it is kind of like an alchemy of there is some self, like there are things you can change. And I even think this idea of someone being right for you is interesting because I do think people can meet and their kind of communion makes them right for each other because of the ways that they draw things out in the same way that you could meet someone who's actually really nice, but you both just for some reason hit those weird spots that make you both uncomfortable or anxious. And it doesn't have to come from a place of maliciousness on either part. And I think that the framework is helpful. I think it helps us get through the day.

And sometimes when you or a friend is experiencing bad things in dating, it is helpful to pull out some kind of card that labels that person. as persona non grata just for the ease of in this hyperdigital age parking something and not feeling obsessed by it but the truth is that there are no rules so lots of you know that i got married this year it ended up being one of the best days of my life anoni beth i know you're in relationships too so i as you both know met my partner on hinge and i think anoni you did as well yes so hinge are actually supporting this episode as they've launched their incredible audiobook no ordinary love The series follows five real love stories from couples who met on hinge and took a risk.

They are read out by lots of our favourite authors, Raven Smith, Nicola Dynan, Curtis Garner, Temby Dentonhurst and Rufie Thorpe. So I absolutely love the series and the story in particular, Raven Smith's, which was called Thou Shall Play It Cool. And it touches on so many of the things that we just spoke about. It features Michael and Elena. Michael shares that he's gone on a date with someone else that morning. this news pushes Elena to share that she only wants to date him and this amazing thing happens. They both share how they really feel and it leads to a discussion about being exclusive. And I don't know, I just loved that risk taking.

And it's exactly what I was talking about. Love really requires you to put yourself in the firing line a little bit and just to take a big leap of faith. And I think the right person for you will do the exact same at that moment and you'll meet each other, I guess, just like soaring in the air or something. Sorry to be trite. I also love these stories and Nicola Dynan's story about Carty and Raker is, I don't know if I've ever spoken about my story about how I met my partner on Hinge. He was actually the first person that I matched on a dating app, I think ever because I'd been in a five-year relationship prior to that when I first met to London.

Maybe I'd gone on some other apps like at uni, I'm not sure, but the first time that I properly matched someone and I remember I stared at his profile for so long and I remember just thinking he looks really kind. So I guess that's like a safe person to go on a date with. Anyway, we went on a day. It's now over four years later. We were not to get for a long time. The reason I related to the story that Nicola writes is this couple, they're both kind of hesitant. They have grambles about how quickly they want to become a thing. And when I first met my partner, he was quite certain that he wasn't really looking for anything serious. And because I'd just come out of a relationship, I thought that was fine. And it took us a long time to arrive at where

we are and it was quite an unusual route in that we were actually broken up for a whole year like properly broken up not together and something in that year thankfully meant that when we had a conversation about both of us kind of being like maybe we could make this work it worked that time and I just I just relate to that idea of things don't always meet you at the place that you think that you're at and I think actually Beth that might even be kind of similar to your experience in terms of this didn't look it wasn't how I would have scripted it if I was writing the story of my life but I wouldn't change how it unfolded at all. No, not at all. And I do think of the stories, I really did feel, oh, I'm being reflected in the characters, in, in Nicholas story and then also in Ravens, because it is, it's two people. They're very interior stories of people having these moments of like, I don't know what to do because I've got these rules or I've got these parameters, but I just don't know what the right thing is. But here's the leap. I'm going to take it. And I think, maybe I never told this story. I mean, you two obviously both know, but I met my boyfriend on Hinge just over a year ago. And it was, it was a fairly unlikely occurrence in that we matched in

London where I wasn't meant to be. I went for my birthday for a trip and then I was meant to come home and then a friend said, do you want a house sit for me? I live in a so-and-so neighbourhood. And so I went on a hinge and similar to Michael in Raven's story, who's written as perhaps a dating novice, of course I'm not a dating novice and all that knows me like, I've been around. I've been dating. But I was in this place similar to Michael that I wasn't, it wasn't the centre of my universe. And so I, instead of obsessing, instead of being really worried about what would It was really exciting. And so I had a little look. And then I think my partner was one of the first people I matched with, the only person in this time on Hinge that I went on a date with. And despite me

living in Wales and him living in London, despite the fact that neither of us in that moment had been actively looking for a relationship, it did just work out. And the reason that it worked out, the reason that I felt so tethered to this story in particular was, I think our success hinges on the fact, hinges on the fact that we just talked. We both stepped off. our respective ledges and said, okay, here is my situation. I'm not, I don't want to play games, but also this is a situation. I won't be dating other people, but you may do as you please. You know, I kind of think had we not done that, I like to think it would always have ended up in this like lovely place we're in now, but I think it would have been, we would have taken the long way,

we both would have felt unsure. And so it did take that momentary discomfort of saying, hey, I like you a lot and this is what that's going to look like for me. I don't know, I thought those two stories especially were just so magical because it's success that comes off the back of kind of risking something or just being really, really honest. The reason why I related to Raven's story, similar to you, is that I guess it really does fall on the leap of faith idea. And like Raven says about Michael in the story, there's almost this inclination to listen to an anxious voice, to let that anxious voice dictate how you behave whilst dating. And in the story, Michael decides to try something else to maybe not let

that dominant, anxious voice dictate how he responds to Elena. And in the early days of dating my now husband, sorry, I literally still need to adjust to using that term. It like makes me feel like I'm, it makes me feel like a child dressed in like a detective coat or something. Anyway, in the early days of dating my now husband, I built up the confidence to say what I was really feeling. And that feels like such an obvious thing, but it really wasn't an obvious thing for me. I felt like I was probably slightly performing still, performing being a bit easygoing, performing being the chill girl who doesn't really have any worries, she's all good, you know, that kind of thing. And I'd done that quite a lot while stating and it obviously hadn't worked very well for me.

And I used to get these avoidant tendencies. And I don't know if you relate to this, but I used to really want love, but then when I would be in the situation of love, have this anxious voice that would just say, you know, it's going too fast. It's going too fast. What if you never speak again? What if you ghost this person? What if they ghost you? What if you delete their number? What if you just delete their number right now? And it sounds so ridiculous because it had nothing to do with the other person. It was almost like the more, the closer I got to getting what I wanted, I almost wanted to flee and hide away or like just fall off the face of the earth. And I think not really ever speaking to anyone about it made that voice quite loud

internally and it felt like kind of having a battle with myself to quieten this bizarre voice that wanted to just run away from a situation. And one day I took a bit of a leap of faith and I just told him. I said exactly what I've just said to you and he didn't flinch. He didn't run like I thought he would. He wasn't like, oh, that is a really bizarre thing to say. That must mean that you don't like me. He just was like, yeah, I get that sometimes too. Isn't it weird? I get that. Just like let it say what it needs to say and I just ignore it to be honest because I know I want to see you. And I was like, oh, it can just be that simple. He's just said he has the same thing. I'm not bizarre. I'm not a weirdo. This is normal. And after we had that conversation, I both felt like I could

tell him anything, which was this wonderful new experience I had not encountered before because I was honest. And then also that voice became so quiet. I was no longer battling with myself. And yeah, I didn't have to worry about both showing up as my honest self and saying a thing, saying the thing that might sound bad. And I also no longer felt compelled. to run away because I could be all parts of myself with somebody and they wouldn't run from me. Whatever the opposite of avoidant in love is what I have. And I think what's so interesting in opposition to that experience meant that it's a mixture of luck, a mixture of like putting myself out there that gave me this idea of abundance when it came to relationships. I was so lucky

when I was younger. I would kind of fall in love. It would turn into a relationship. When it ended, there was always someone else. So I always had this idea that love was kind of around. every corner. But then that makes you make your own weird rules about things because I always felt like there was enough fish in the sea. I just didn't have this jadedness that so many of my friends within dating. And not saying it was better, it definitely wasn't. It was just such an interesting thing. It's so interesting how our experiences of love are shaped by the things that have happened before. And so for some people, it might just be luck of the draw or where they live or maybe they live somewhere really remote. So it was only like three people that they could date. Like it's just

interesting how whatever happened to you in your teens, in your early 20s, then kind of assesses how you approach relationships. And I was really good at saying what I felt. I was never really overly cautious in hiding my feelings. And the one rule I had always was just don't go back because I had this view that there would always be someone else. If it ends, it's over. There's so many more fish in the sea. Go fishing. Don't look for the last person like you've broken up for a reason. And it was such a strongly held rule of mine that when I, I, you're I was broken up for my partner for that year and about six months in said to one of my friends like, oh my God, I think I want to get back with him.

They were like, okay. And I remember thinking like, well, I can't do it. And I had so much, it was all happening inside my head. It was my ego. It was my pride. It was this thing that I'd latched on to because I think love is one of the only things in life that is so intangible and so wanted and no one will give you a straight answer about what it really is. And so we do little things to like protect ourselves, whether that's becoming avoidant and nervous around.

how people are going to respond if we open ourselves up or making just little regulations about things we shouldn't do. And then I broke that rule and it really, I really struggled with it. I grappled with it. I felt embarrassed. I felt scared even though it all had just happened inside my head. And maybe that needed to happen. Maybe that like changed something in me. I think that the fact that we had to go through those hurdles not being together re-addressed or like move the needle in some way. And I don't even know what it was, but it reshaped, I guess, how I viewed love. And I think that I am someone that kind of subscribes to attachment styles, but I also think they're not perfectly prescriptive.

They're just like a good way to kind of categorize. But yeah, I think that both being in relationships, not being in relationships, can actually change you in a way that's fascinating, even if the ending isn't marriage or love. I think that sometimes they can make you be a person that. you know, we're growing and evolving and hopefully for the better. There's a line in Raven's story that I highlighted and just kind of stuck with me, which was modern dating culture trains people to ration their enthusiasm carefully, to stagger affection into manageable morsels. And I think for me, very similarly, it was the eschewing of that

ideology that has made it possible for me to learn and grow and for dating to, instead of being like, either this ends in happily ever after or it's been a waste of time into, this is just a journey. This is so eddy. It's a time for me to discover what I'm capable of. It's a time for me to find you my desires. Grow as a person and find the weaker spots in my communication and then really work on them and really bridge the gap. And I think for me, I've had these situations where it's as simple as one conversation, but it completely alters the course of my, you know, my next relationship or how I date. It's the idea that I'm allowed to just ask for what I want. And I had this a few years ago. I was in the early, early days of dating someone. And I think the

Communication was just choppy and it wasn't really, you know, I like to know when I'm going to see someone next, even if it's a week from now. I don't want to hear from me every day, but it's nice to be like, oh, we talk every few days. I just had this one conversation where I just said, this is what a good relationship looks like to me. You are not obligated to fulfill this. If you don't want to or if you can't, that's absolutely fine. But this for me represents, you know, safety and happiness and I would enjoy this and stepped into that and I said this. And in that situation, it worked out really well and it was, you know, really positive thing. And it kind of hastened the end of our. situation. And we finally, we moved out of that and into something that took us towards a relationship. And I think had I not said that, we would have lingered in this really uncomfortable zone. So the minute I did take off that sort of, the minute I stopped staggering affection into manageable morsels, as Rabin says, and kind of as you say it, the minute I sort of said, like love is abundant. It actually became so. At the very least, had it gone the other way, I know I would have also been so glad for that because it would have saved me from really wasting my time. Yeah, I love that. And seeing it more as not end driven or results driven, like in a business

sense, which is such a bizarre way that many of us really look at relationships. It feels like there's like a business lens to it. It's like what are the results? What are we in a relationship? Is that a success at dating? A success at dating is just learning, growing, having a good time, having experiences. I think that is a difficult thing that we really put on. the world of relationships, romance, dating love, all of that stuff. It has to reach the end point of what is seen as, I don't know, a success or a happy ending, which I don't know, there are so many different kinds of happy endings. I was thinking, listening to your story, Beth, it really reminds me of Nicola Dynan's story about Carsey and Rucker and that intentionality. And I really did love that

in their story, this sense of, these are my expectations around communication. This is what is important to me or my expectations going into this while seeing you and really setting that out for somebody and that's not very common but it should be and it's also very healthy it sounds like such a transparent way to communicate with somebody and also if you tell somebody you know i don't expect to date someone who's texting me every minute of the day then you're not left in the sense of paranoia fear this inadequacy of what are they thinking am i doing the right thing how come they're not texting me as much as I'm expecting them. It just lays it all out in the open, I think.

I think the reason we got so much from this third edition of Hinges No Ordinary Love Stories is that they are ordinary in the most spectacular way, in a way that we can relate to and feels like something that we can touch. I think it's such a credit to the writers and the people who shared their stories that we were all able to find so much to relate to. And I really do think that you guys will get so much from them as well. So if you do want to listen to the stories, then you can find them on Spotify, and they're all actually also written on substack. And please do write into us and let's know if you've ever taken a risk while dating.

We'd love to hear your stories. So to round off the episode, we have got some anonymous questions from listeners that we are going to dig in. So I think we should start with one from Anonymous. Who said, I've always really struggled to say what I'm thinking while dating or in a relationship. Recently, things fizzled out with a guy I was seeing. But before that happened, I started to feel really stressed out as the communication. was dropping off and same were the suggestions of meeting up. I know I should have said something or asked where his head was at, but it got so panicked by the idea of doing it, which this feels

very tied in, miraculously to the stories that we were just talking about of opening up, of saying the thing, even if the outcome is not what you in that moment think. What do you guys think about this, this question? I see, I say this, but I'm quite good at confrontation in terms of saying something that maybe other people do get a bit nervous around. But I always think if the worst thing that's going to happen could happen when you say something, expose something about yourself, show you to do something that basically allows you to live in your truth, if the worst thing that's going to happen is they're going to walk away, then I think you've saved your stuff a bit of time. Because within these stories as well, there was the idea that we spent a lot of time priming ourselves

to be the perfect candidate for someone's partner. And then it only means that you have to eventually kind of come clean and say actually I'm really messy or like whatever and so I think that there is it does take courage and it can hurt your ego but I don't think you ever lose anything by being or saying the person that you truly are you just find out that that person isn't compatible and that is never ever like a negative comment on you it's just they're probably not the person that is going to enjoy a company literally just to piggyback it is never going to change the outcome whether you ask or not it's not to change the outcome that That's not the point of opening up about something or asking somebody a direct question.

The point is almost respecting the feelings that you have, aka the feeling of fear, the insecurity, just respecting that and facing it head on. Whether it works out or doesn't work out, it will always go in the same direction as whether it's protracted or you face it head on and just rip the plaster off, I think. 100%. I do think in the case of something fizzling out, because sometimes it means one thing, sometimes it means another, it could mean a dozen different things. And when you try and read a man or a person, like tea leaves, trying to decipher their emoji use or their gap to messages, you're going to drive yourself a little bit.

Doolay. I remember I had this situation that sort of did remind me when I was reading Nicholas' story for No Ordinary Love, like the decision to speak or not speak really does kind of like fork a road in your life. I remember things were fizzling. And I thought, oh, okay, he doesn't feel this way and that's that. And it fizzled. And we just didn't really talk again. Until two years later, both of us had said, oh, you didn't. you know, you didn't really like me or you kind of fizzled or you fizzled it. And both us thought the other one was disinterested and had forced the fizzle. Had us, had either of us said at the point of fizzling off, oh, I'm actually enjoying this. Obviously, if you're fizzling away, the word fizzle has lost all meaning. But if you're doing that, then that's absolutely fine. But I'm going to tell you what I feel right now. It wouldn't have happened. And of course,

I believe in the shape of my life. I'm glad everything has happened as it did. But it's so interesting. It was such a valuable lesson for me in saying the thing and not letting the power of fizzle, which is just nothing. It's not real. Ask the question. Say the thing. Get the information. Do not try and decipher it because you can't read minds. Honestly, I think that the fizzle thing, it happens to me more like with friendships, but it almost always is just all happening in your head. You ask the question, they're like, oh, sorry, I was actually like at a funeral and you're like, oh, sorry. In your head, you're like, they hate me and they haven't messed me for weeks and they're actually like absolutely going through it. I have not text anyone in their phone book. And sometimes they

also are just a ghoster. Better to know and get the information and move into, you know, more exciting things. I think it's never the wrong thing to do. To seek information with an open heart, I mean, I've never regretted it personally. We did have a message from Louise, which I think we kind of have answered earlier, but she said, do you think it's always good to take advice? Because sometimes I think you have to experience things for yourselves. And when my friends give me advice on dating, I can find it a bit annoying because I really don't think any two situations are the same. And so it feels a bit like they're applying their own experiences to mine and might not actually be the right advice. And I do think I'm the worst for this. I love trying to make my

friends learn from my mistakes. And it's like I do think, I think a lot of the time, especially with friends and dating, people are looking out for you. But as I get into my 30s, I realize that sometimes people don't want a conclusion or an answer or advice. They just want you to listen. And you kind of have to let people fluff around and find out. Sometimes what advice works like we said like sometimes a vast works one person and actually your situation is completely different but it's actually really hard to get in the minds of someone else's relationship no matter how much they talk to you about it you will never experience it because it's everything that happens in the private moments behind closed jaws the like the the kind of intimate conversations

that they have and the communication that is never really shown to the outside world so no I don't think you always have to take advice but I think if people are giving it to you they probably it's because they care I've never heard fluff around and find out by I love that I do think the message that just underpins all of this and it is something I'm sure you come to via your experiences, but it is. There are risks of different levels. It will always feel, I think, to some degree, kind of scary to say the thing, to put yourself in the situation where you are being honest and your honesty could perhaps end with something beautiful, but also it could end with someone saying, ah, my truth is I don't feel the same. I think overall, and this is the messaging of all of these

stories, which, I mean, I'm so excited for you guys to listen to them. Please do feedback. Your thoughts on them. The messaging is it will end in something, it will generate something for you that is positive because you cannot live outside of your own truth. And maybe I, maybe this is best said, not in my words, but in Raven's words, in his story. There was no drama, no grand declaration, just a decision. They had a good shot. It sounds so simple, but it's not. Two people with their head screwed on and their feet on the ground, very quietly taking off. I think it's such a beautiful way to sum up what I know that we have been trying to say. That's going to goosebumps. which is it's not always some, it's beautiful, isn't it?

It's not always some big, dramatic, here's my truth and you have to, you know, sometimes it is just quietly saying, I'm in and someone else perhaps saying the same thing. That is literally what happened to me. Thank you so much for listening and for all of your amazing questions on this topic. We really value you being so candid and open with us. It is very special and we love you. Please, as always, do rate review and follow our show as well as seeking our Hinge's third edition of No Ordinary Love Stories.

You can find the link in the show notes. We'll see you as always on Friday. Bye. Bye!