Extra Dirty with Hallie Batchelder - Dylan Kevitch: Shut the F Up and F Me

Episode Date: September 18, 2025

Buckle up babes! Hallie is joined by Dylan Kevitch or as you might know him... Shut The F* Up and F* Me!!!! Dylan spills from the best Grindr hookups being in FiDi, to the fact that he never actually graduated college, to how dancing on a cruise ship led him to discover his drink of choice before he blew up on TikTok. He opens up about Adderall, middle school bullying, and the messy tongue kisses of Jewish summer camp. Hallie and Dylan bond over being bad students, early mornings, and even how they both ending up stretchered for alcohol poisoning in college. They end with a hilarious round of dating & sex scenarios because we must know... how would Dylan react?! Love you cookies, enjoy! Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Oh my god, we should go clamping. What's that? It's like glamorous camping. Okay, I like the sound of that. Like, you know, like, Paris and Nicole, a simple life? You're literally speaking a dream of mine. What are you, little freaks? Okay, guys, I'm doing something really stupid right now.

We have an emergency debrief situation. Hi, this is Hallie from the streets of New York. Guys, I had every intention of state. in last night. Okay, guys, I have a very special fucking guest today on Extra Dirty. And like, you guys know, I never bring guests on. So this is a big deal for me. I'm kind of nervous.

I even put, like, makeup on. Me too. Oh, my God. I swear I got it's in my bag. Everyone welcome Dylan Kevin. Yay, Dylan. Julie Production Crap. Yay.

I am so excited. to have you on like say less i'm so happy to be this is gonna be a really fun bucket episode i'm like ready for it like the amount of people i send you to i'm like all your shares and you know what like every time i used to watch you like before i started asking people to fuck me i was like that's like the only bitch that like i really like vibe with like you feel safe with me yeah like i just feel like i relate to you like you're just like chic yeah you know we're just like vibe in new york How long have you lived in New York? I went to college at Pace University for commercial dance when I was like 18.

Okay. But I guess for like a decade. Yeah. You lived here for a decade? Mm-hmm. What part of the city? Well, almost a decade. Have you always lived?

Do you live in the Upper East Side? Yeah. Okay. I came from, I love like family stuff. Okay. Well, like. Like I mean like I like, I feel safer around family. No, I do too.

That's rich old money family. That's same. You're going to feel really safe around me. I love you already. Wait, so I started in Fidei, which was the best grinder in the city. Oh, really? Like my favorite hookups ever. Really?

Oof, my God, like, I never had sex like that since I lived in Fidei. All those Wall Street men are all gay. All gay and they're cheating. 100, on like, little twinks like me at the time. Oh, my God. Wait, so what is your type? Do you, like, older? You don't like younger?

I, so, like, the thing is, it's like my, the same age for me is weird. I don't know. If you're like, you're the same exact age as me, it just feels competitive. Yeah, I feel that. Because gays are, like, kind of, like, I don't know. But, like, maybe, like, two years younger, it's like, I don't know. I like it. But 45, oof.

Yeah. I love a 45. A big, daddy. A big daddy. Yeah. And where did you grow up? Philly. Philly.

Yeah. So that's been too far from here? No, not at all. And you did all four years at college? Mm-hmm. Okay. But a secret is I didn't actually graduate because I failed all of my academic classes because I hate homework. Wait, I don't like homework either.

And I have mental illness. Me too. Oh, my God. So thank God I was a COVID graduate because I didn't need to graduate. But also, like, even like if I were to pursue dance, I don't need an education. Wait, that's so funny that you're an actual through-and-through dancer. I feel like not everyone knows that. No one knows that.

It's just, you know what it is? The dance world is so toxic. Yeah. And like, it's just a small world. Yeah. And I want people auditioning to, like, dance for me. Like, I don't want to audition to dance for someone. I feel like you have, like, main character energy where you could have backup

dancers. I could picture you just walking through the streets, like, with just, like, five backup dancers with you at all time. Oh, that's the dream. When did you start on social media? Did you work at Locks Club? I was doing some research. So I was like kind of like the content creator, like intern vibe.

Yeah. Did you see the intern vibe? Yeah, I saw the intern stuff. So not really. I was kind of just like there to like help like, you know, make it something. But but okay. They needed star power. They needed star power.

They needed like a hot, sexy guy to just fuck it up. Yeah. But I, so I started social. media. I was dancing on a cruise ship like I told you. Yeah. And I got so depressed there. Yeah. Because, wait, what do you mean you were dancing on a cruise ship? Like, so right after college, it was COVID, it was tough. And then I made, got like a first like professional dance job on a cruise ship. I was like, okay, good. You know, I can travel the world. Yeah. I can just get the fuck out of here. Like on one of those like Mohegan sons? Like. The Royal Caribbean? Yeah, like Holland

America so would you like go on stage and perform for like people that like would go on cruise ships yeah like every week was a different vacation so that's when I really started to know what kind of like alcohol I like to drink okay and what is that gin you know I can't drink gin because it makes me into like a violent cunt you know what the thing is is that it does make me violent too yeah I know because it's the only I think I'm correct me if I'm wrong but like I think it's the only one that is fermented, like, differently or, like, made organically from potatoes. It is.

Oh, I didn't know that. I think my mom told me that I reacts with everyone's body differently. So some people, it makes it, like, really, like, sexual. Some people make it really, like, violent. I'm violent and sexual. And I, I'm not, like, violent. Like, I want to beat you up. I just, like, grab you and dance with you.

And I throw, like, I throw myself. Wait. But I love it. Maybe, like, that's kind of how it makes me. But, like, I remember back in the day when I, I was drinking gin, I just wanted to curb stop all these bitches that cost me. Yeah. But now maybe it'll turn me into like a more like violent sexual person.

Yeah. Not in like an illegal way. Listen, violence is fun sometimes. Yeah. But what were we saying? I don't know. We were talking about violence and gin. Yeah, no, literally.

But you were on a cruise ship. I was on a cruise ship and we went like the Caribbean. That was great. And then we went to Alaska. it I was starting to go to bed thinking like what the hell am I living above and my whole TikTok page was like cruise ships like going down you know one of my like things that I do like before I like go on a flight I will watch like airplane crash simulations like in the middle seat like you're like you want to watch airplanes crash when you're in the sky you're definitely

drinking gin on the plane like that's wild No, just to, like, fuck with people that are, like, sitting next to me. Are you in first class? Like, obviously. Yeah. Now I am. Yeah. But, like, you know.

I'm getting there. Yeah. I'm going to get there. You know, it's embarrassing when, um, you're in coach and you have to walk by, like, the first class people. Like, I'm so embarrassed because I don't belong there. No, we don't belong there. I don't belong there.

We were never built for this. No, I'm not built for it. Have ever sat in the back row of, like, a Spirit Airlines flight? Uh-huh. Because I have two. I've done it to L.A. There was this one guy. that I hooked up with, billionaire.

Like, he was a rich guy. And he didn't want to, like... But he wanted to humble me. So he sent me on a flight that was, like, three connecting flights back from the Bahamas. After this, like, lavish, we went to his friend's island and everything. And then he sent me back on, like, economy back row, like, spirit of arms. Okay, like, there's other ways to humble people. Yeah.

But was it good? It was so good. But then he got me pregnant. Oh, are you being serious? No, dead ass. And I couldn't keep it. Yeah, well, you don't have to. No.

But like. At least I don't think so. I don't know what the loss doing. You don't need a kid right now. No. No. I mean, your kid would be so iconic. I should have kept it.

The guy was billionaire. I feel like your baby would be like crawling like around with us. No, yeah. I bring the baby out to the club. Yeah, the baby would literally be so huge. Yeah. That was like my last like situation ship. what's your love life like okay so this is where shut the fuck up and fuck me comes from

because my pussy is so dry wait same like i do not fuck like that that's why i keep reposting because i like want people to shut up and fuck me too and i've gotten some guys to like come over but like okay this is where where i get a little vulgar tell me everything so tight your ass yes i'm guessing your bottom we haven't even covered that obvious i might i've such a good ass like and in my back and arch so oh yeah I was like made for it but like I need a BBL yeah no you don't no no it's not like the thing

anymore I feel like no a baby BBL I just distract them with good head I know I was watching you and I was watching your podcast of how you give really good head and honestly I feel like I could totally I like was picturing you doing it too really yeah and I can just be like yeah she's definitely looking at them too yeah right in the eye that's direct eye contact Act is everything.

And it's like when you don't look at someone in the eye, it's so weird. It's so weird. It's like you're doing a job. I'm literally like, look at me. No, it's like a whole performance. Look at me. I turn into like a porn star. Oh no, it's a performance.

No, it's a performance. I turn into like a fucking porn star. You want to like pop out for that. I, yeah, like sometimes like this is why I like older because like you can like be like more like performy. And I love kind of screaming. sometimes. Like, give me an example.

Okay, like, like, they're just like, like, you know, like, they love it so hard. I was picturing like, ah! No, like, there's like sometimes where I'm going to, like, oh, oh, yeah, I'm like this. Ha, ha, ha, ha. But no, there's sometimes where it's like done, I'm like, who. I think they have a little too far. fun but they love it they love it moaning my moaning is so performative can I hear it in theatrical here um I'm scared okay it's like a little one I love it but I know it could be like

let me drink my oh yeah cheers cheers I send you to Alex all the time I'm like you have this guy is the funniest guy I've ever seen my whole entire fucking literally like you know what i love i'm not even trying to lick your pussy right now but you know what i love about like you gradin and alex and like that vibe is that you guys are so successful but you're just so like living it like you're living in it you're not like annoying about it yeah you know like you're really just like this is it i'm just like i hate the word influencer me too i call myself an entertainer no yeah we are entertainers like i'm only influencing you to fucking that's it.

I'm obsessed to you. I feel like we're the same person. We are and I knew this because I can feel it. What sign are you? I'm a Libra. My mom's a Libra. Oh, God. I'm an Aries.

You're an Aries? So, like, am I a land sign or an air sign? Should we test our compatibility? Yeah. I think you're, like, maybe a land. I'm not familiar with the Libras. But what's your moon? A Virgo.

Love a Virgo. Are you, like, organized in life, messy at home. Yes, I'm very OCD and perfectionist, which is why I was running three minutes behind you. I almost crashed out on my whole team. No, literally. I'm one of the most punctual people ever. I show up like 15 minutes before. It gives me anxiety. Yeah. So I like, I feel like out of control when I am late. Literally. And like I'm very timely and I like feel like I want to be respectful of everyone else's time. So when I was behind you, I was like, fuck. No, baby, you're fine. But then that shot in. I'm kidding.

Okay, what were we talking about? Your arch? My back, my arching back. Yeah, so you, so, what are we talking about your arch? I don't know. It keeps going back to my back. Yeah. Oh, your love life.

What is your situation right now? So I'm not really talking to anyone. I'm really so single, but you know what? I really am just looking to play. Yeah. I'm not, I get really, yeah, and I just, I'm not, I don't want to be distracted by someone. Like, you know.

And I think it's people, you know, It's, like, really, like, I'm at the age where, like, all my friends are getting married. How old are you? 27. Okay, Sam. Oh, work. So, oh, God. Um, and it's just, like, I'm, like, going to weddings and stuff.

And I'm like, this is, I can be so happy for them, but, like, it's really not for me. Yeah. Like, at all. I don't subscribe. And sorry, guys, if, like, you're mad at me for this, but bachelettes are so weird. No, they're so weird. They're so weird. They're so pick me and so creepy.

And it's, like, we're celebrating the fact that you're. riding one cock for the rest of your life and also it's just like what are we doing and why am i paying for it and exactly and why am i paying for like my misery of being single and you are getting laid for the rest of your life and i think it's really good if you're like a mother getting remarried like get go on a batch have the moms just go and let their hair down and just fuck it up i hate the sachets what's the sashet like you know bride to be or like any of that stuff like one of my best friends is getting married but like she's just like we're going on vacation yeah which is fine no and that's i bring me to fucking like aruba or something please i have time share

and a ruba i'll bring you to ruba please i've always wanted to go time share is like it's it's kind of suspect honestly it's like we i actually really want to go to greece really we were just there i know i saw like jealous of your life no that was really fun trip you would have been the perfect I need a like a grease guy so have you have you gotten fuck since you started telling the internet shut up and fuck me no you haven't got fucked once I had no but I've been rubbing a lot and like if it's like a gay thing like I feel like gay sex isn't always penetration it's like rubbing and licking and I feel like a lot of gays I now are so like getting fucked like they're at like there's a spectrum where they're either like at sex parties yes where they're like like Like getting fucked. Like having like five sums. Are most of your gay friends bottoms? No.

Like gradient's not. He's the top. Yeah. Which people get shocked by. Yeah. And he doesn't really hook up with many people. Like I think I've said this before. I think I've had, you know, more than him.

Good for you. I know. I love you and all. You know what? I preach it. God. That's amazing. Yeah.

It really is. Really. Yeah. It's like an explosion of fireworks. Oh my gosh. God, I love that. And I do really love it too, but when I stop doing it consistently, my pussy just closes up. Yeah, I feel like a Boston cream donut.

Oh, God. And you can't get pregnant that way. Exactly. Just go in there, babe. Don't go in here yet. Don't break anything. Yeah, yeah. You can hit the back door.

With the back door. So who do you listen to? Like, as we're singing, who are your favorite artist? Tate McCray. Tate, I left her. I just saw her last week. I, when I was dancing growing up, I used to go to this convention called Bobby's, or no, it was dancer paloosa.

I was like all these different choreographers choreographing there. Yeah. And I always did Bobby's beat camp. It was like the jazz funk one. Yeah. And I remember her coming in and like literally stealing the goddamn show. Like she's been famous in the dance world. since I was like doing competitive dance like that bitch is like been been doing it she's

fucking insane and I just saw her live and I was like did you go to the VMAs no oh you went to her I don't know why yeah right I mean kind of fucked up me either but but I went to her actual concert I want to go in October it was so her flexibility my jaw was on the floor the whole time no she she's known for her tilts like how could you flop her like is like I don't know like if I was like I mean oh how would you fumble her as like a girlfriend I don't know how she has ex-girlfriends that aren't like on the floor crawling for her back crawling for her back like I think she's one of the most like insane human beings ever like her performance at the VMAs like all first of all I think is like this bitch is like working like she's like

She's, like, dancing her ass out. And, like, on top of that most incredible voice. Such a good voice. And it seems like she's really good live. That's what I heard. Like, her voice. No, she's incredible. I don't know how you move like that, dancing, and then sing like that.

Yeah, no, it's crazy. And she has asthma. Of course she does. Literally, of course, she has asthma. God gives his strongest warriors, wait, his strongest soldiers, the hardest jobs. I guess. I'm not good with like sayings like that

The only saying I know is when you spit Tell me your favorite saying I don't know if I'm saying it right But when you're in like a moving car And you like spit outside the window Your spit comes flying right back I think that's just a fact I'm a saying

Okay yeah A saying is like You win some you lose some Or like the apple doesn't far fall If I'm far the apple doesn't fall far from the tray yeah there you go okay or like the back door is always open and it's like or it's also like and don't break anything no you break it you buy it yes yes we learn something new every day every day is a school day that's another thing oh i hate school

No, I hate school, too. Were you a good student growing up? No. I was in a good student growing up. I was just, my attention span was terrible, and, you know, I don't know if I even can say this. My parents literally put me on Adderall. You can say that. Okay.

My parents put me on Adderall in ninth grade, and I feel like I grew up, like, with a weird, like, I don't know. Like, I grew up on medication that, like, numbed all my emotions. So I just felt like really numb in my high school years, but like in middle school and stuff, I was crazy. But I think they were like at the time that was a medicine that was kind of a new thing. And it worked like when I first took it. I was getting great like, you know, scores on my test and stuff. They're like, oh my God, this is amazing. So I was just put on it for so long.

And I didn't realize like it literally ruined my like, I don't know the way I can like feel and be emotional. emotions. That's like something I've never even thought about it. Because I went on, I had really bad ADHD and like OCD kind of like when I was in seventh grade and I was like kind of like figuring that out. And it was like a newer drug, Adderallon Byvance. And it was like, oh, like if you go on this, like you'll get really good grades. And I remember like you just feel kind of like your whole body's numb. But you're like wired. No, literally. And it's like I remember like you just, I couldn't even cry. Like about like, and I just thought like, oh, like I'm just so like emotionalist, but no, when I got off of it, I was crying. No, he crashing out.

Crashing out. Crashing out. Yeah, the come down's crazy. And also, I was a fucking bitch by like 5 p.m. Yeah. You probably weren't eating enough. Oh, honey, I wasn't. I, this was my meal. I'm not kidding. Every day. I had, like, I went to Dunk, and I had a strawberry glaze donut with a co-off. Didn't eat anything. And at lunch, I literally sat there, like, looking at people. Like, why are you eating? Yeah. And then I had. had a salad for dinner judging them yeah but a lot of my friends were put on adderall too so we kind of all were like really stale together yeah you just like weren't saying a word at lunch like a word and then when I look back on it I was like mom dad like what like why did you do that did you put me

through yeah yeah I feel that like I wasn't a good student at all what was what gave me like a really crazy story like from middle school yeah before you were put on drugs like i don't know like i was just kind of i didn't want to do homework i think i was a very lazy kid very lazy and and i kind of just wanted to like hang out with my friends and not do much and then like go to bed when i wanted to and sleep in no i half days or like two hour delays or snow day fuck me fuck me and also Like, did you ever used to play, like, hooky? Like, I'm so sick. And then your parents were like, it's fine.

And that feeling when your parents said it's fine and you can just go right back to bed. To bed. And you're just out. Oh, out. I didn't realize, like, when we were young, like, how early we had to be up. 6 a.m. Yeah. Like, a whole day.

And then, like, pick out a whole fit. Yeah, like, a whole fit, like, brushed our teeth, put in contact. Like, we were doing it all. Yeah. For what, though? For who? And also. And also.

And also. school. Like, yeah. And I used to wear those sugar lips. Uh-huh. Love a sugar lip. And I was, yeah, they were really good day back in the day. And I was kind of like on the tubbier side before like eighth grade.

And then they would be like, Hallie, you look like this lot. Like you have to like take something from the lost and found and change. So I would have to like go into the lost and found. Oh, yeah. No. If like you're if you wear shorts, if your shoulders were showing, you would have to go to the fucking lost and found. Like, I'm sorry. I'm not. wearing your hammy down yeah no so weird and it's like do you guys know what a sugar lip is yeah get what the fucking time yeah like come on wait so did you go to a private school so i went to public

school and then my parents put me in a private school in like seventh through eighth grade and it was like terrible like i got bullied there so much like it was really bad well because i was so always so gay and flamboyant like i never came out like i was my were dresses at my third grade birthday party like my mom painted my nails for kindergarten like I was always just gay and like I would know I didn't know that it was like different or a thing until like I got bullied and people are like you're gay and then one day I remember I went home and I searched up like what gay men and it just like I was like oh is that like not normal like at such a young age so it was really weird wait that's like so powerful that you always like knew who you were though yeah I feel like

it's almost like, because Graden says the same thing. He's like, I was born gay and like I never like, no one ever questioned it. Yeah. But like people, like that's so like, that's so 10 years ago to get bullied for being gay. It's so, that would never happen now. No, and it's like people that do, it's like, get with it, please. And they're also gay too. Like most of them are.

Well, yeah. What do you think about the theory that like most men are gay? Because Graden says this all time. Okay, so I actually have a really good. thing to say about that. Preach, babe. So I went to overnight camp for like 11 years and I stayed and I lived with like boys and stuff, obvi, and they used to like do things with me.

And like I now see them with like wives and stuff. So boys are just horny in general. So like a hole is a hole. And when you're all in like when like the locker room like anything like time, like all guys are together, it's like they're everyone, they're just fucking horny. Yeah. So it's like sucking dick is like you can just put a paper bag over someone's like a mouth is a mouth. A hole is a whole.

A whole is a whole. I feel that way. Because like I see a lot of people that come out with like kids and wives. But like they're on Grindr. I know. Like Green will open his grinder in Antucket will be at like a restaurant, like a popping restaurant where like a dad's like with all like his family, his wife, his kids. Yeah. And he'll pop up Grindr and all those people will be on it.

It honestly gets me anxiety. No, it's, it's really scary because I did hook up with a dad that had children in a wife. Did you know? Mm-hmm. Okay. It was in college, though. No, it's okay. I mean, yeah.

It takes two to tango, babe. Exactly. But, like, I've been hooking up with a lot of gay men. Like, they're bi. There's a bi epidemic. It's not epidemic, but it's an epidemic for me. because I feel like they don't want part of the buy. Yeah, I want the eye.

Listen, they want the be in the eye. Yeah, I 100% agree. Like, I feel like buy is just like an excuse. It's a gateway. Yeah, it's like, no, why. Can I say that? Yeah, I think it's okay to say that.

Everyone knows I'm not homophobic or anything like that. Like, I love gays. Yeah, you do. You're a gay man at heart. I am a gay man and a woman's body. I love that. But I keep, like, hooking up with these guys that. you know want me to like fist their ass no and that's a telltale sign and you wouldn't

would you do that once I had a guy on all fours and he wanted me to like finger his ass and eat his ass did you yeah you know what I respect I'm a people please her I actually respect that so much because I don't eat ass you don't eat ass no I like eat it too like like no is not my vocabulary i'm picturing you eating like i'll jump off a diving board to like go into someone's ass can you eat my ass yeah maybe after this that'll be a different segment for extra dirty oh yeah you have to subscribe yeah it's a oh my god it's subscription only content um yeah i i but like guys just love their assy in because we have a g spot in there and that's why it's good to it's good that you do that because that's probably why guys get so bored sometimes

because they want to be like pleased by like their g spot too like the dick isn't just the g spot like you have a full on pussy in their ass in their ass and yes it might be a little feminine when you're doing it and they're like arching their back but listen we're human and we're sexual yeah we like to play what is your go-to drink order on a first state um i am a wine girl i love wine like i think wine makes me the horniest oh red wine like please please like put me in a fucking cage and hide me from your dad yeah red wine makes me feral i want to be just like legs spread open on like a gorgeous bed and just fucking go insane on my fucking pussy you stole the words right out of my mouth literally but no i do like wine

and i also would just do a little gin a little three like glasses of gin. It's just it really amps it up. It's just when you get blacked out on it, you will not remember. Like, we were just talking about the point. It gets you fucking nuts. Is there a drink order that you were with a guy that you'd be like, what the fuck, you're fucking weirdo for ordering that? A jack and coke? A jack and coke? Yeah. That's a good one. I know, but it makes people's breath smell really bad. Yeah, it's kind of a suspect. Yeah. Like, I think it's, I like the taste of it, but like, I love Coke. Me too

No but like I love Diet Coke Yeah me too As well Yeah But like No Jack and Coke just makes people's breath smell Sometimes and you might not know it but it does

Yeah No it's it's just like Yeah it's a very aggressive drink order When there's like martini Yeah it's also like it's more just like Let's just wait to like after dinner Like get a Jack and Coke at like a dive bar or something I think like

for guys a gin and tonic great that's a great first drink order like a scotch on the rocks yeah great first drink order one that would freak me out is if a guy like sat down with me and he was like can I have a leachy martini oh I get where you're going with this

you know what I mean oh okay I got you yeah I got you now yeah leachy martini we were like this is a red flag drink order ooh like babe don't even say martini porny sorry martini Cosmo yeah oh a Cosmo martini I feel like if a guy said I'll have a Cosmo martini, babe, you gotta get up and run. I mean, my dad loves Cosmos.

Yeah. But, like, he's married with four kids. Yeah, like, established. When, like, you're fine. When you have that, like, babe, drink all the Cosmos and all the martinis, but fucking get a whiskey. Actually, not a whiskey, a scotch. No, whiskey's also, like, very potent in the smell.

Yeah, it is. Whiskey gives, like, like, put on a fire, watch, like, twilight, and don't talk to me. Oh, my God. In, like, the middle of the woods. Middle of the woods. Oh, God. We should go clamping. What's that?

it's like glamorous camping okay i like the sound of that like imagine me and you in the woods camping like you know like paris and a cole a simple life you're literally speaking a dream of mine and we could just like make it chic and document the whole thing oh my god like please i would i feel like i would i feel like you would be paris and i would be nicole yeah actually we could be like either one i like yeah i think i would be paris and you would be i would be nico because i feel like you would actually like have your shit together and I would kind of be like and like if someone fucked with us like I will fucking you will stand on fucking business yeah have you ever been with a girl um no but when I went to overnight camp like I hooked up with a girl because our counselors

used to make us like grab a girl and like bring them to this place called boys hard top like this it's no it's Jewish overnight camp guys it's culty and weird and that just sounds sexual in itself it's weird hard top A boys hardtop, I mean it's Boy's hard top It's like a volleyball court And like we would have dances every Sunday And our counselors who were like 20 years old

Would like convince us to like go get a girl And like one of the other cabins And then when our cabin and age division is called to go home Bring her up to Boy's Hard Top And like we would just kiss like for two minutes Like a little lick in the mouth And I remember sorry Sabrina But I remember I used to get with Sabrina

And like you're such a gorgeous girl I love you but gosh she wanted to go to second base and I was like no I can't do that I could only just put my tongue in your mouth like for five seconds and I would literally go like this oh love you Sabrina I don't talk to you yeah and that's when you knew but honestly you probably just like that was like the confirmation it was I honestly didn't even need that confirmation I was like Jesus what am I fucking getting out of here but it was fun. I felt like it was two girls, like, one cup.

I've been with a girl before. Yeah. I feel like you would look, no, you just look, you're just like, I feel like you would look hot kissing a girl. No, yeah, I love kissing girls. Girls are, girls in my opinion, are better kissers. Yeah, and you just give a lot of, like, sex appeal. Really?

Yeah. I'm an undrying spell right now. Which is so shocking, but you need it. But I just, like, needed it for, like, I just like I don't know I needed a reset but now I'm ready to go balls to the wall I want to be juggling everyone's balls

my mouth this wall I feel like you're going to be like I'm going to hear you oh yeah you're going to be screaming like you're going to be giddy up from the upper side you'll be hearing me I'll be like I'll be sleeping and be like like that's a raven

yeah I had a vision and it's you riding Well, like, guys right now are just, like, hiding from me. I feel like men are just, like, kind of scared to me, to be honest. Why? It's because you're, like, you are, like, a strong woman and, like, you're not, like, you're just, like, boys don't like that, I feel like. They like a weak bitch. They like a weak bitch because, like, when a girl is more, like, when they give, not saying that, like, you have masculine energy, but it comes up.

Like, it's just, like, a masculine, like, way to just be, like, stronger than a man. like personality-wise and just saying what you want to say like that kind of intimidates men and when men are intimidating it makes them just like feel less than and they just never want you so don't take it personally I know I just feel like maybe oh is there they're looking for us Dylan oh god it would be so iconic to get arrested on here oh my god imagine they heard us talking about coke and they like came for us yeah Marshall called the police and said hi they're doing cocaine. Okay, let's do this cute little segment.

I feel like you're going to thrive in this. Okay. The segment, I'm just going to be like, it's dating and sex life scenarios. Cute. And the premise of it is like, how would Dylan react in the situation, okay? Okay.

Let's do it. And then I'll put my two sons in there if I have something to say. Oh, he is. Okay, so say you're on a date. And he asks you to take pictures of him for his Instagram. What would you do? I would take them. You would?

Yeah. You know, it's fine. No, I feel like that's kind. Yeah. If it were me, though. Yeah. And like, and a guy was like, can you please, like? I feel like it's different if it's like two gays.

Yeah. You know? That's true. But if like I was a girl, I'd be like, babe, no. Yeah. I'd be like, fuck off. Yeah. Okay, so you're on a date and he orders chicken fingers off the kid's venue.

And he's a man. Well, then I... Thank you for clarifying that he's a man. Yeah. I would be like, fuck, I'm paying for dinner. because clearly he's not paying if he's getting chicken fingers. It's giving $100% cheap. Okay.

I thought it would be getting like... Well, actually, you know what the thing is? It's like, I don't want to eat. I just want to drink and have like a cute little like... I just want to drink and suck. Yeah. Drink and sock. Like, I don't want to see you eating.

Drink and suck. Drink and suck. Drink and suck. Drink and suck. Drink, drink and suck. Okay. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Uh. So say you're under. date and he tells you he has a hard out and he has to leave at a certain time what would you do i would be pissed i hate when people like don't fucking ask me to date you this night if you have plans bitch yeah like i want you to i want you to potentially fuck me after yeah like literally yeah like do not fucking tell me you have to go what do you think about fucking on the first date i'm okay with that i'm so i'm pro it no because if they're not listen guys we all have to

fucking agree with this if they're bad at sex it's not going to work no yeah so might as well like cut to the chase yeah fuck me okay you're having sex any high fives you mid sex oh my god I actually feel like that kind of happened to me before really yeah I don't know if it was a high five but something like high fivey I don't know I don't know like a tunnel or something yeah just like something like that but I you know you know what I would probably blank out and not know what to do. I feel you.

And keep writing. I'd probably ignore it. I'd probably be like this. I'd be like, Okay. Woo! Yeah. Like,

who! Spirit fingers. Yeah. Okay, so say you're hooking up for the first time and his sex playlist is all Sabrina Carpenter. I would get distracted. You start singing?

I would start singing and I would at the house tour. I'd be like, in the first sex. third floor and i promise none of this is a matter are you big to be i am i love her i love her she's really cute she should come on this pod i would love her too Sabrina if you're available please come on this pod for please please please please don't prove haley's wrong okay yeah so you're having sex and he has a micropine it's an easy it's like sucking on

a carrot. Okay, the sucking part would suck, but the writing would be great because I wouldn't feel anything and I can really like perform and like, it would just be like a practice show. Yeah. Like in like a, like a cardio. Yeah. Like for the gays, like when the dick's really small, it's honestly sometimes like, okay, I can do this tonight. It's manageable. It's manageable. You don't want a big ass girthy cock. Um, I do. Sometimes I think there's such like a thing is too big. 100%. And I don't think it's too big for your mouth. Like, I like looking like my eyes are falling out. Yeah.

But, like, when it comes to my back door, babe, like, relax. We can't, like, create a tunnel. And also, like, who do they think they are? Like, they think they're really going to fuck me? So, yeah. Are you really going to fuck me? Yeah. Okay, so say you're having sex and he moans the name of the not preferred sex.

Wait, what do you mean? So, like, say you're fucking him and he moans. Hallie? Um, or Susan. I would be very confused, but I would probably just keep going. Yeah? Yeah. I'm trying to think about me.

I mean, for you, I feel like that would be kind of really fucked. If it was Dylan, I would feel like it would be fine. But for you, if a guy was fucking you and he said, Katie. Like, you would be like, what? No, this is the not preferred sex. Oh, sorry. So, like, say I'm like, I, like, assume he likes girls. because we're having sex and he makes out like Matthew.

Oh, I didn't read the question right. I would be like kind of turned on by it. You would? Yeah. That's fun for you? Yeah. I would be very confused. Yeah.

I would just be like, huh? Yeah. It would be confusing for you, I feel like. But for me, I'd be like, oh, yeah, I might better than that fucking piss you're packing like. So yeah. Maybe I need to have more of that attitude. Yeah.

Okay. So say you're texting and you ask for nudes. what do you do you always end yeah yeah i do my snaptog got hacked though okay so yeah so i think it's actually really iconic for nudes to be released and i don't want to put that into the universe because there's some nudes that i take and it's like a little like i'm like raunchy minor videos and i'm doing like blow off cock oh i want to say no like i love them and i honestly hope they get yeah me too they're like kind of iconic no i feel like you would probably like you probably look so good there's there's this one video where I have a massive pink dildo and I'm just like plowing myself

with it oh and like it's like full like open legs like the whole thing and it got it got saved camera roll when they hacked my snapchat no yeah you're doing god's work I am but like people could learn a thing or two yeah exactly you're like let you say I always say like I wouldn't lose followers from the situation oh yes you know what I'm saying Okay, good. Okay, you're having sex and he's a pillow princess. No. I'm done.

It's not going to work for me. Can you give me a perfect example of a pillow princess? You lay there and they just fuck you and you're not like, you're not pushing back on it. You're literally maybe arching a little bit and they're just fucking it and they're maneuvering you for a position. Like you're not like, you're not in it with them. You're like dead fish. Like you're literally like this. Yes.

But like you're not like, yes. Like you're just not giving it to them. You're not. You're giving nothing. And there is some. times where I'm like that. Well, sometimes I'm just like tired. Yeah, exactly. But I'm always like, if I'm having sex, because it's like become like a rarity at this point. Yeah. I'm giving it my fucking all. I'm winning an egot from my performance. 100%. So if I want to be a pillow princess,

forgive me. Yeah. Right? Forgive me and just fuck me. Exactly. And they'll be fine with that. Okay. So you're meeting his friends and their nickname for him is Mr. STI. um i wouldn't i wouldn't no no no i would probably kiss him and maybe like hump a little bit but no intersection no we cannot not have you ever gotten anything because i've gone chlamydia no how was that for you it it was like i feel like it's kind of fun to get it yeah yeah the antibiotics were fun yeah like i and oh you get drunker with anti antibiotics yeah so i loved it i'm not putting that out there Yeah, no, don't. Don't do that.

Don't get, I mean, if you get committee, it's fine, but don't drink on anti-depressants. Or antibiotics. Yeah. Oh, we're sorry? But like both. I think you should drink on antidepressants. Listen, you don't need an... Never mind.

Never mind. We're going down. Yeah, we're going down like... No. Okay, so you're planning a date and he suggests you go over to watch and play video games. No. No. Because you want to know why their comfort are probably.

smells like shit. It's probably like navy blue too. Navy blue and it's not with a duvet cover. No duvet. And the pillows are flat. No headboard. And they have like an anime poster. Oh my God.

Like Spider-Man. Oh. And like a gaming console. Ew. And a keyboard. Yeah. And like there's like weird things. Like a very like crackable rag in the corner.

Crack like you're cracking the blankets and half. you pick up the blanket it just turns to death oh me yeah like no it's literally and i'm sure we've all been there before and we've all been in like a college storm oh god have you ever like been in a fat house yeah yeah those are the scariest terrible they smell like farts and fucking it's like what like just because you guys are men like it doesn't mean you need to be like dirty disgusting also like they my ex used to like pee in a water bottle next was that like get up and go to the fucking bathroom fucking pig yeah no literally you know no literally like it's not cute and it's like you're not better than everyone to just have a

fucking disgusting ass room clean it up clean it up no serious get a fucking mop yeah seriously or fucking all come together and get a cleaning service no literally give me that expensive yeah oh anyways that took a lot out of me no i just really frustrating okay so say you're planning a date yeah and he wants to go on a silent meditation class i'm into that because you know what people who meditate and stuff like that are really in tune with their pelvic floor and they're just so sexually good what is where's your pelvic floor right here like your pelvic floor like your pussy your hips your eyes okay yeah i feel like they're like very into like um like chakras yeah karma sutra yeah yeah jizzo and like your body like they would find

the clay yeah like it's like they can feel where everything just and you're just like this whoa like so yeah i like that okay fine maybe i'll be about that too i think that's actually something that you would really like i think i should do that a yogi they're probably gay though they're probably gay yeah i'll bring them to you yeah okay so you wake up in his apartment and realize there's no pillows on his bed, just one decorative throat cushion. No, beds are a huge thing to me. Yeah, same. Have the fucking European Euro pillows and have the chop and tuck that shit in.

Like, your bed needs to be clean. It's a sanctuary. So, turned offy when the bed's disgusting. Yeah, I agree. So no. I mean, we can have sex in it, but you will not be my husband or boyfriend. I agree. Yeah.

Okay, so you say you're at his house and he FaceTime's his mom. to ask where she puts the actual toilet paper to wipe his fucking out. Wait, wait, hold on, I'm sorry, say that again. So say you're at his house, and he face-times his mom to ask where she put the extra toilet paper. He face-times his mom? Yeah. Honestly, I would just be like, you don't know where the fucking toilet. Do you wipe your fucking ass?

Like, fucking. Why is he wiping his ass with oil and paper? Yeah, like, fucking get a fucking wipe. And get, you know, literally get a fucking wipe and a tushy. Yeah. What's a tushy? It's like a boudet. You know boudet?

Somebody's saying it right. Yeah, I know you're saying it right. That shit is, you turn it on and it fucking sprays your pussy. Wait, I need that. And when you take a good one and you just spray that shit up there. God, it feels good. It's a shower for your bussy. I think that would make me calm.

No, you know, sometimes it's like this. No, it's so good. Tushy. Tushy. Sponsor him. Yes, Tushy. Okay, Says LockScream is a selfie of himself. I can respect the love.

I think it's really amazing when people, like, love themselves. I really do. But no. No, I don't think that's very narcissistic. 100%. What do you think of gym selfies? You know, they turn me on. is there like a big like red flag on dating profiles when there's someone else in the first picture

like I agree with that and it's always like a hotter friend yeah yes and then you scroll and it's like that we it's the uglier one and it's up and it's just like you know what you're doing when you put your hot friend in your first picture yeah you ugly piece of shit fucking shit okay what if he hints at starting a couple's TikTok together no I see I don't listen I just don't I think it's a recipe for a disaster and also I don't want a boyfriend like that like posts and is like an entertainer like us like that's what I always say I don't want someone that's adjacent offline yeah I want someone rooting me from a doctor's office I can't have someone that has I always say that I would rather someone that has either like a lot more followers than me

like extremely famous yeah or like no followers at all yeah like not someone who's trying to like do it with me and like build it with me like yeah like they're so famous they're like hiding exactly or they have no followers exactly but like we are the star of the show like i have to be the star and you have to be the fan so yeah so obsessed with you no i'm so obsessed with you no i'm so i feel like we can go on for hours and hours we can and do like a different a bunch of different segments we should do one naked we should do one naked and have it just be blurting out the whole time we should like pretend like we're like on the beach and some sand in our bathing suits and just drink like a bottle of malibu together oh my god literally say last in arroa what was your

get fucked up like alcohol of choice when you were in high school tequila really mine was fucking hypnotic who i never heard of that it's bloom what's that what's that it's really scary oh like Hyponic in Malibu, and then raspberry spedka. Oh, yeah, the raspberry spedka's giving, like, college. Yeah. It'll put you into a fucking coma. My first Friday of my college year, I ended up in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. Same.

Really? I got structured out once. Wait, no, me too. And I thought, and guess what? The doctor was so fucking hot. And my R.A. came into a room. All of us are throwing up. All of us.

My R.A. hated me. Oh, me too, and he was so hot, of course. Wait, we're so much alike. I know. Are we lying to each other? No, I'm dead ass. This is all things I've said on the show before. Yeah.

My RA was named Halle, actually. And she fucking hated me. Yeah, because she's jealous of you. Yeah, we have the same name. Jealousy is a disease, get well soon. See, that's a saying. Yeah. And I feel like that's a great way to end.

Yeah. I had so much fun with you on. Me too. I want you to, like, keep coming on. Babe, invite me over. and we do have to do brunch though we do have to do brunch i fucked up that dumb bitch i was with couldn't find a fucking keys and i said you're really give me her number i want to text her i'm kidding but i love you and um guys thank you for tuning in again actually dirty another episode

as always you can watch on youtube and listen to me on every other streaming platform dylan i love you where can they find you TikTok and instagram and maybe you're bad. Ellie. Ellie, love you.