Fairy Tale Fix - 1: Should Have Been A Pirate

Episode Date: September 29, 2020

Welcome to Fairy Tale Fix, a WTF fairy tale podcast. Abbie starts off spooky season with the fearsome tale of Bluebeard by Charles Perrault from the Blue Fairy Book, while Kelsey covers The Magic Lake from A Choice of Magic by Ruth Manning-Sanders.

Yeah, mine's probably going to get super loud when I scream laugh. Very possibly. If I scream laugh, I don't know. We're not that funny. We're exactly talking about them. This is a podcast about fairy tales. Fairy tales. That we're not reading to you. We're just talking about them to each other.

We're giving the cliff notes on the fairy tales to each other. Bad ones. Bad ones. And then maybe we'll fix them and maybe we won't because sometimes they're perfect. I don't know about that, but as perfect as they can be from us. I submit the wonderful shirt as an example of a perfect fairy tale where everything happens. Oh, I see. Yeah, that's actually the only fairy tale that I have zero fixes for.

Yep. Zero. Zero. Not at all. It's perfection. So they do exist. They do. You know, we just have to find them and that's what

this podcast is for that's true you know it's not like i've read every fairy tale uh there are so many yeah well that's partially why this podcast is going to be so great because there are so many fairy tales that i have never heard of, that you've never heard of, that anybody who has enough leisure time on their hands to listen to this podcast has never heard of. And I'm really excited to get to them and learn more about it. We should also probably, I guess, introduce ourselves. Absolutely. Are you Abby or Abigail? I'm Abby. I messaged you the other day and i was like what even is i don't have one um i aspire to be one of those fairy creatures that doesn't ever really tell you their name or makes you guess and then if you actually learn my name i have to do whatever you want so i do my best to

never tell anyway it's a whole what fairy tale is that? It's just I just it's just kind of like generalized fairy shit. I think half of that was like Rumpelstiltskin. I think it's in a few. I like the 10th Kingdom version where it's the axe man and his name is Julia. His name is Julia. Is there any like particular moment in your childhood that you realized you loved fairy tales or maybe something that you're thinking of maybe a specific book that got you into it and kept you into it as an adult the book that made me absolutely love fairy tales and then want

to keep reading them long into my adulthood past the time when you're supposed to put away childish things or whatever is a choice of magic because the illustrations are beautiful and the fairy tales are so fucking wacky they're wild they're so wild that is not the book i thought you were going to reference no what were you what did you think i was going to reference i thought you were going to reference that book about the dragon princess who's like, fuck this. I don't want to be a princess. I'm going to hang out with this dragon. That book is so good. Oh my God. But that's not like what I think of when I think of like folklore or fairy tale books. I think it was called Dealing with Dragons. And yeah, that book, that book was amazing. That was the book that made me love dragons, where it was this princess who didn't want to get married. And usually like princesses are kidnapped by dragons, but she actually went to the mountains specifically to be kidnapped by one.

And she hooks up with this badass dragon named Kazool. And Kazool takes her home and tells her, I like Cherry's Jubilee. If you keep my treasure organized and you bake me delicious baked goods, then you can live here and then I'll run princes away from you. She's like, deal. She's like, fuck, you got a deal. AKA exactly what Abby would do. Exactly what I would do. It's exactly-

If she were a princess. It's everything I want. I still might do it. Honestly, if I heard that there was a dragon somewhere, literally anywhere, I would probably have to fight my sister for the privilege, but we would both leave our partners and immediately go to wherever that dragon was. And then Maddie would win because Maddie's actually a baker. And all I could do is tell the dragon I can drunk history for uh fairy tales for

you that's also a very common fairy tale theme is women doing baking and cleaning and things like that to get what they want very true so that's an interesting that's hmm that isn't it that is a parallel that i had for me fuck you it was if it helps the dragon was a female dragon so it wasn't it wasn't like a gendered thing okay and then the dragon becomes king of the dragons and king is a gender neutral term yes and it's just the name of the job and then the king of the dragons makes the princess uh her chief librarian and that's where the book ends. So I feel like that's pretty good. That's fair. I feel like that struck a blow for women everywhere, frankly. But anyway, so that's me. That's my deal. Hello, Kelsey.

Hi, I'm Kelsey. My earliest memory and why I think I love fairy tales so much as an adult. And actually, I don't think I've ever told you this story, or maybe I have. You'll have to tell me. It's a little background also. Abby and I have been friends forever. Since we were 13? Yeah.

Yeah. 13 going on 30. Going on 31 for some of us. Shut up. No, I'm just kidding. I'm very proud of my age. Honestly, I peaked late, So I'm really, really happy. I mean, what a wonderful thing to be able to say. I had this Mother Goose book when I was a kid. And I remember my mom and my dad telling me

the real meaning behind the stories in there. I mean, so it's a Mother Goose book, so they're not necessarily fairy tales, but they're like Ring Around the Rosie. And I remember our mom and dad telling me all the gruesome things that are behind those stories. And I was absolutely terrified of that book. I remember looking at this book and being like, oh my God, it's all about death. And I was so scared of nursery rhymes after that. I remember throwing the book away and being horrified. And this is a theme in my life because I also was really terrified of horror movies. And now I'm obsessed with horror movies.

That is a true fact. I was scared so bad by Stephen King's It with Tim Curry. After I watched it when I was eight. Thanks, dad. I slept in my parents' bedroom for like a year. And I'm not exaggerating. This seems like it's got a clown on it. This is an appropriate movie for kids, probably.

Yeah. And Dad, he's like a, he's super into horror movies anyway. So he probably had read the book and knew what was coming and let me watch it. But now I'm obsessed with horror movies. I think that really helped the whole fairy tale thing yeah not so much the disney princess stuff which you know obviously i also loved and still love of course but i feel like that like most things that scared me as a kid i'm obsessed with this well and i think that really hits on a lot of good points about why a lot of adults are still very into fairy tales, because they are really dark and really scary and full of really like confusing, horrifying themes for children. And there's just something really fascinating about that, that I think is a lot

of fun to delve into. I love the idea for this podcast is people are constantly on the internet, like, oh, well, the real version of, you know, the Little Mermaid is like this and this. And sometimes they get it wrong. And that really drives me nuts. So there are so many different versions in Fractured Fairy Tales. It's very cool. So many fairy tale subversions, and then obviously the Disneyfied versions, which are fun in their own right, but definitely really sanitized, but also with troublesome messaging. Sometimes not as troublesome as the original.

They got rid of cutting off Cinderella's sister's toes, but they didn't fix any of the other stuff that was problematic about that story. And I'm really excited to talk about that. I'm really excited. I'm really excited to get into it. Yeah, do you want to start? Do you want to tell me a story? Yeah, let's let's get into it. I'm going to tell you a story. Before we start, I want to make a quick disclaimer to all people who are listening to this first episode. Kelsey and I, not historians, not professional folklorists, we have bachelor's degrees in anthropology, which we studied together. And it's been a while. of our anthropological training either. You know, take all of this with a grain of salt. Remember, we are not professionals. Treat us kindly and enjoy the story that I'm about to tell Kelsey and you. Kelsey, are you familiar with the story of Bluebeard?

No. I mean, it's a pirate. I think that's the extent of my knowledge, right? Okay, cool. This is great. I'm very excited about this. So the way we're going to structure this is when a story is not well known, or when the other person has never heard this story, we are going to ask each other and our listeners for predictions about what they think this story is about. And then we'll keep a record of the points. I don't think the points actually mean anything. It will just be a tally of who is winning at the time. Sounds good.

Which sounds fun to me. Who buys the next drink next time we see each other. Exactly. Who picks up the tab the next time we see each other, which, as we are still in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, may be a long, long time from now. But anyway, that's not the point. So Bluebeard, and just to give you a little context to help with your prediction, just in case it helps at all. is a French folktale that's at least as old as the 1400s, but most likely older. So it's a medieval French folktale.

I feel nervous being the first to predict anything. I'm really excited that I made you do this first. So Bluebeard, obviously a pirate. Okay, that's prediction one. He's got a blue beard. Since this is the first time i'll let you have that one okay wait okay how wait what's this point system based on i'm very competitive you get one point per correct prediction and you get three predictions oh i get three predictions yeah you probably said that and i was i didn't actually

i didn't actually so you're fine i was worried i was like am i already spacing out okay bluebeard the pirate he definitely steals some treasure and has to fight a ghost yes i fucking love it okay bluebeard's a pirate He steals some treasure and he has to fight a ghost in this story. Definitely. Amazing. I'm very excited. I kind of hope he loses. That's not part of my prediction. It's just a hope. It's just a hope. Okay. Well, without further ado, then let's crack into Bluebeard. So as I said, this is a french folk tale from the brittany region of france from the 1400s or earlier brittany by the way sidebar because i had to look it up because i didn't realize that brittany was a part of france i thought brittany was part of britain because the word britain

was kind of in it that's not true it's it's like it's a celtic ethnicity uh of coastal france cool um that is actually still ethnically linked to like the welsh and whoever the fuck lives in cornwall so still in england somewhere anyway but that's that's not the point this is from the britney region of france okay i'm gonna read the opening paragraph in full because it delights me. Okay. There was a man who had fine houses both in town and in country, a deal of silver and gold plate, embroidered furniture and coaches gilded all over with gold. But this man was so unlucky as to have a blue beard, which made him so frightfully ugly that all the women and girls ran away from him. What? I'm horrified already. How cool would a blue beard be today?

I know. I was actually just about to say, I feel like that must have been a very different time because I actually have seen dudes with blue beards i'm already a little turned all over the place yeah and it looks awesome also i thought the i thought the french were supposed to be fashion forward but apparently they weren't in the 1400s but you know what maybe because they're so obsessed with fashion that's why they were like oh this is blue beard was unfairly judged and he was actually a trendsetter i didn't realize this was a drama okay it's a fairy tale kelsey it's a drama it's a french fairy tale moreover yeah when i think pirates i think action and pirates of the caribbean i don't swashbuckling treasure hunting well you'll see

you'll see anyway okay so okay one of his neighbors who was described in the story as a lady of quality has two daughters they are both hot and he wants to marry one of them neither of them are super into it on account of the blue beard and the fact that he's been married before and the fact that all of his previous wives have mysteriously disappeared. Oh, shit. It's kind of a combination of things, but I think it's mostly the blue beard that they object to. Not the fact that he probably is murdering his wife. No, that's not the main concern. It's definitely the beard thing.

And I'm actually, I'm not even joking because that literally is what they say later. So he's pretty persistent, though, and he takes them both on a trip to one of his country chateaus, along with their mom and a few of their friends and other young people of the neighborhood for a week of feasting and writing and other party activities. Yeah, he is loaded. He is super rich. He has several chateaus. I'm even more turned on. I know. He seems like a pretty good marriage prospect aside from the fact that he probably has been killing all of his wives. Why is this me watching Sense and Sensibility? I don't know. But I actually did get major sense and sensibility vibes off of this story. Anyway, so he brings them out to his country estate along with all of their friends and their mom. So it's not creepy. And they go and they ride and they fish and they party and they stay up all night and they never go to bed for like a week and they have an amazing time. And all of this actually wins over the younger sister who began to think the master of the house not to have a beard so

very blue and that he is a mighty civil gentleman, whatever, you know, it was the beard, but it doesn't actually look that blue when she's been up for seven straight days and has been drunk out of her mind the whole time. Makes perfect sense. When they return to town, they get married pretty much immediately. And about a month later, Bluebeard tells his wife that he's got to go make the rounds at all of his other country estates slash affairs of great consequence. He thinks she should head back to that country palace with all her family and friends to make good cheer in his absence. I love him. I know. He sounds like- I want to marry him.

Aside from the mysterious disappearances of all of his previous wives, he sounds pretty awesome in every possible way. It's just that one red flag. Just that one. It's one little red flag of the six or so times women have gone missing around him, but let's not focus on that part. Absolutely. Because here's what he said to her. Here, said he, are the keys of the two great wardrobes wherein I have my best furniture. These are of my silver and gold plate, which is not every day in use. These open my strong boxes, which hold my money, both gold and silver. These my

caskets of jewels. And this is the master key to all my apartments. But for this little one here, it is the key of the closet at the end of the great gallery on the ground floor. Open them all, go into all and every one of them, except that little closet, which I forbid you. And forbid it in such a manner that if you happen to open it, there is nothing but what you may expect from my just anger and resentment. So she's got to open that door. Yeah, obviously. You must never go there. Kelsey, do you think she's going to open the door?

Do I get a point if i predict this correctly nope we're in the story now wait i have a question abby would you open the door no i don't think i would i mean he's i um if i've got a pretty sweet fucking husband and he told me that i could have all of his money and all of his jewels. And he had to party it up all the time. Like I get to bring my friends and family and I get to go to his Chateau and party up party it up with all of his gold and silver and jewels and fine furniture and whatever. What's the first thing you think this jump edge does um yeah but wait there's more so she promises to have a great time and not open the closet and he gives her a hug and he takes off for his important french nobleman stuff and she takes off for the country with what apparently according to the book is a pretty

good chunk of the entire town uh the story explicitly mentioned that most of these people didn't want to come the first time because the dude's blue beard is the most terrifying thing they've ever seen. I don't know why. I even googled it after I finished the story to figure out if there was some unlucky aspect to the color blue or something in medieval french but i couldn't find anything they just really also you know you know i really love that with a beard you could also shave it off but he obviously has a lot of self-respect and he loves his blue beard um yeah everyone else he knows that he is a beautiful special butterfly and yeah fuck what everybody else thinks exactly because also he's fucking rich he's got to blue he's fucking rich he's got so many doubloons

wait frank's that's in france whatever thatard i'm i know so far it seems like he's pretty reasonable here so far no ghosts yeah so far no ghosts damn but anyway don't worry i think that might be blackbeard yeah it's definitely blackbeard kelsey god damn it i don't know open the door anyway so bluebeard's wife and the whole town and all of her friends arrive at uh their country chateau they have a wonderful time apparently most of this wonderful time consists of everybody running through the house screaming about how nice everything is, which is exactly what I would do if any of my friends had ever dated a celebrity. Yep. Fair. That's totally fair. But anyway, they're all running through the house exclaiming over the fineness of the furniture,

in which I got more Jane Austen-y vibes. This woman, though, Bluebeard's wife, she is 100% not paying attention because all she can think about is the room her husband told her not to go into. It is extremely, as you said earlier, Simba in the Elephant Graveyard, Belle in Beauty and the Beast heading straight for that flower that she was told not to touch. It's never enough. It's you gotta know. You gots to know. So she eventually just abandons her guests, even though it's rude, and heads for that hallway. Does she have a name?

No, she does not have a name. There are only two named characters in this story, and we haven't even gotten to one of them yet. Okay. Just curious. Yeah, she does not have a name. It's actually one of the things that I would fix about this story. And we haven't even gotten to one of them yet. Okay. Just curious. Yeah, she does not have a name. It's actually one of the things that I would fix about this story. That's a common fairy tale problem.

Women just don't have names. They just don't have names. Who cares? Curly's wife. The beautiful maiden. Exactly. The princess. The young girl.

The whatever. In this case, her name is Bluebeard's wife. Then again, I bet Bluebeard wasn't his real name. Probably not. It was probably like Jean-Pierre or something. Just a really dope nickname. Yeah, because it was really super, super dope beard that was incredibly fashion forward that was ahead of its time and nobody properly appreciated.

Agreed. It's okay. We'd appreciate it now so she goes down to the closet and she stands there for a bit staring at the door and deciding whether or not she wants to brave bluebeard's punishment for opening it and naturally she decides to fucking do it and here is what she sees she then took the little key and opened it trembling but could not at first see anything plainly because because the windows were shut. After some moments, she began to perceive that the floor was all covered over with clotted blood, on which lay the bodies of several dead women, ranged against the walls. These were all the wives whom Bluebeard had married and murdered, one after another. She thought she should have died for fear and the key which she pulled out of the lock fell out of her hand there's also a really great picture of her do of

her doing exactly what you're doing right now of her clutch of her like clutching her face as she runs through as she walks through the door her standing the key has fallen into a puddle of blood and she is just standing in the doorway with her hands clutching her face now now i'm switching my tune you brave brave woman are you empathizing with her now anyway she fucking books it back up the stairs to her room and tries to calm down but she can't because of all of the dead women which isn't helped when she realizes that the key is now stained with blood and she can't wipe it off because as soon as she cleans one side the stain reappears on the other dun dun dun it is magic magic uh bluebeard comes home that night suspicious.

He does. No mention at all of what happened to the townsworth of people that are still presumably rifling through his things. But anyway, he comes back. His business ended early. Blah, blah, blah. He asks for his keys back. blah, blah, blah. He asks for his keys back. So our girl is brave, but she's not especially cunning because the key to the closet is just blatantly not on the key ring anymore. And she makes up some really dumb lie about, oh, I know I left that key around here somewhere.

And he was like, okay, give it back though. And she eventually just has to hand it over and that's when he's all oh hey there's blood on this ski um why and she says i had it but i didn't open it i swear i just wanted to look at it if only that's what she'd said kelsey because what she does say is i don't know does this say that in the book yes i don't know and he goes like bitch i know you know i really hope that's in the book too it's not it's not this is what he actually says you do not know replied bluebeard i very well know you were resolved to go into that closet were you not mighty well madam you shall go in and take your place among the ladies you saw there oh no so she throws herself

at his feet and begs for her life but he is adamant that them's the rules i mean and he told her he did he did tell her not to do this she could have lived it up at that chateau for the rest of her goddamn life as long as she had not gone in that closet. Them's the rules. So she changes tactics and asks to be allowed to say her final prayers. And he says he'll give her a cool 15. so when she's finally alone she calls out for her sister who was the only other named character in this story i don't know why her the mother's not named none of no one else is named but bluebeard and ann who is bluebeard's wife sweet ann sweet Sweet Anne. Sweet Anne. That's actually what I imagined reading the story the first time. So Bluebeard's wife calls to Anne and begs her to go up to the top of the tower and see if their brothers are on the way because her brothers promised that they would

also come to the chateau and they were supposed to arrive that day. But I imagine the conversation going exactly like, Sweet Anne, beautiful Anne, my precious land mermaid sunfish, would you please go up to the tallest tower and look for our brothers? Anne does so because she's a beautiful sunfish, and she always is here to help. And she and her sister do that classic fairy tale thing, you know, where there's like three call out and then every time it's a failure. So Bluebeard's wife will call up to Anne and be like, do you see anything? And Anne will say, no, nothing but dust and green grass. And that happens. That happens twice. And then the third time when Bluebeard's wife calls up to Anne, Anne says that she sees a flock of sheep. It's not very helpful. Then I imagine

that Bluebeard's wife, who's now named Leslie in my mind, just goes like, and focus is kind of what I pictured. And all the while, because I guess the 15 minutes are over because Bluebeard is banging on the door, which his wife has locked and banging to be let in, telling her like, your time's up. Yeah, essentially calling her to come down. And she keeps going like, oh, don't worry, I'm coming. And I'm coming to my execution. I promise. I have no reason to skip it.

I just gotta find the right outfit. I gotta dress right. It's gonna be my ghost outfit forever. Exactly, exactly. So she calls up to Anne a fourth time because time has pretty much run out at this point. And Anne says that she sees two horsemen on the road. And the wife tells Anne to make a sign to them

that they should kill those horses trying to get here. And then she finally goes downstairs to where Bluebeard is waiting with a very scary looking scimitar, apparently, according to this drawing. It doesn't matter. So she throws herself again at his feet. He's planning on lopping her head off. And she asks him, like, may I have one final moment to collect myself? And he says, no, recommend thyself to God, and is just about ready to strike when, bam, her brothers came bursting in the door. Amazing.

Right on time. It wasn't a guillotine. And it wasn't a guillotine. It was crazy French people. The gate was opened and presently entered two horsemen who, drawing their swords, ran directly to Bluebeard. He knew them to be his wife's brothers, one a dragoon, the other a musketeer. So he ran away immediately

to save himself, but the two brothers pursued so close that they overtook him before he could get to the steps of the porch where they ran their swords through his body and left him dead. Nice. Fucking awesome. Still no ghost. Still no ghost. God god damn it and we've come to the final

paragraph so you are going to be disappointed there's still no ghost so because bluebeard had no heirs his wife leslie got all of his estates all of his money all of his fine gold and silver plates all of his fine furniture and his plates, all of his fine furniture, and his many chateaus scattered throughout the French countryside. So she still got to party it up. So she still got to party it up pretty hard. But now without the ugly husband. Yeah.

She made use of one part of his estate to marry her sister Anne to a young gentleman who had loved her a long while. She used part of her estate to buy captain's commissions for her brothers and the rest to marry herself to a very worthy gentleman who made her forget the ill time she had passed with Bluebeard. Nice. That was beautiful. That's actually a very happy ending. She still got all her stuff and didn't die. Exactly. Which is why I do like this story. I have a couple fixes for it. One of them is that her name is Leslie because Leslie and Anne and the protagonists of fairy tales who do very brave things deserve to have names. And the second fix, I don't know. I think it's just part of that like raging angry feminist in me that my mother raised, but I don't like that her brothers

rescue her. I think she and Anne should have killed Bluebeard. i don't like that her brothers rescue her i think she and ann should have killed bluebeard i don't know how exactly that would have gone down but i think instead of sending ann to the tallest tower to like look for their brothers she should have sent ann to the armory to get a couple of fucking swords themselves oh hell yes or i mean if i had been in that situation as soon as you see all the dead brides, you get the fuck out of there. Or, I mean, you're there with all of your friends and family. Everybody obviously doesn't like Bluebeard already. Show all of them.

Be like, hey, guys, come look at this shit. Because with him making a ruckus, and this is the other thing I don't understand. With him making a ruckus and carrying on, and the whole town is still presumably at the chateau. Yeah. Nobody else intervened here? I mean, you had to ask your sister. You couldn't have asked just everybody? Yeah.

Could everybody please, Ma Bluebeard? Oh, it turns out I married a murderer. I married a serial killer. Could everybody please help me? I want a little background on them. Did Vale die because they couldn't not look in that closet? I assume so. How did he kill the first one?

How did that even start? It doesn't say. Why is he just leaving their bodies in that closet? It doesn't say. Why do serial killers kill anyone? I'm sure that he had some fucked up reason for killing the first one. And I'm pretty sure that the reason all of the other ones are dead is because they looked in the closet and he told them not to. So my other fix for this story would be don't look in the closet.

Just, you know, live out the rest of your days with this guy with a sick blue beard. Yeah, I just wish people hadn't been so judgmental. Maybe he wouldn't have needed to kill all those women. Maybe he wouldn't have needed to kill all those women. I actually went down a bit of a blue beard rabbit hole. And I did a little more research into sort of the background of this story. And there's like a couple professional folklorists, there's a bit of a debate about what the moral of the story is supposed to be. It could be taken as a traditional women's curiosity has dire consequences story, like even the serpent or Pandora and the box that releases all the evil. And those stories are supposed to instruct women to follow their husband's rules or God's rules. But many folklorists argue that this story is actually a subversion of those because the point seems to be to encourage women to not unquestioningly follow patriarchal rules. That is cool.

That's different. Yeah. Which is one reason why I like this story. When was it? Does it say when it's written? It's definitely medieval. It could have been the 1400s. There are a couple of different sources for who people think this

story was based on. A possible inspiration for Bluebeard could have been a 15th century Breton and convicted serial killer, Giles de Reis. I don't know French words. I should have looked that up. A nobleman who fought alongside Joan of Arc and he became Marshal of France at some point, but he was then hanged and burned as a murderous witch because it turned out he was a serial killer, but he didn't kill his wife. He did some other really bad stuff to kids that I'm not going to talk about because it's, you know, not a true crime pod. So if you are interested in him, go ahead and look it up. The other one, which I like more, is the early Breton king, Connemore the Accursed,

and his wife, Tryphene. Amazing names. I know. I know. The Accursed. Connemore the Accursed. And the story goes that Connemore married Tryphene, and she was warned by the ghosts of his previous wives that he murders them when they become pregnant. Damn, see, there was the ghost. There were the ghosts, Kelsey. You sensed that there were ghosts around this story somewhere? I mean, well, you know, when you think fairy tale, I don't think pirate. When I think pirate, I think ghost story.

Yeah, ghosts, treasure, like sea monsters. I definitely don't typically go straight to pirate unless it's like like you know like a ceiling when i can think of this hook from peter pan so there's probably more but more pirates i'm not a fairy tale expert or a pirate expert why do you think i'm doing this podcast that's exactly we're here to learn we're here to learn and we're here to grow uh The only other thing I want to say about Connemore is that Connemore the Accursed was, he is a historical figure. He was a real French medieval king. And he was known locally as a werewolf because he was so massively cruel. I tried to look into it more to see why people thought he was a werewolf. There was nothing. It just Wikipedia just casually said like,

they thought this guy was a werewolf. And then said no more about it. That's awesome. Yeah. So that's Bluebeard. Bluebeard. All right. Good job.

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed that. You got no points. Well, no, I got one because he was a pirate. Oh, wait. No, that wasn't in it at all. He was not a pirate. He was a French nobleman. He was a french nobleman he was a french damn it he was a french nobleman that was amazing thank you i'm glad you

enjoyed that i'm glad you enjoyed that i'm glad that now you now you know the story of bluebeard by the way it's really cute so um i'm in my closet recording and it's really dark in my closet but there's like a little bit of light at the bottom of the door. And I was looking earlier and Cheval, my cat, her little feet were like, she's like, what the fuck are you doing? Scrabbling underneath. Yeah. What is happening? Why are you talking in there?

Are you okay? Why can't I come in? Yeah. Oh, my God. Cats and closed doors. I know. They can't I come in? Yeah. Oh, my God. Cats and closed doors. I know. They can't stand it. Okay.

So I am not really much of a storyteller. But you're going to tell me a story anyway. I'm going to tell you a story. I'm very excited for you to tell me a story. And also, don't sell yourself short. I think you're a great storyteller. We'll see. We're going to find out.

Also, I'm tipsy. So, you know. I promise to be a really good audience well you have to make some predictions for this i'm so excited but okay this is from a book that you gave me so i'm very positive you have read it which story is it it is called the magic lake and it is from the book a choice of Magic by Ruth Manning Sanders and with some amazing illustrations by Robin Jacques which if you google Robin Jacques um awesome illustrations like they're really fun the illustrations in that book are so beautiful they are like I said

at the beginning of the episode those illustrations are a good chunk of why I still love fairy tales there's a beautiful drawing of like mermaids on a sea dragon in there that i am still obsessed with it there are several books there i think the one you're thinking of is i don't know if it's in no it must be a choice of magic because that's the one you have but there's also like a book of mermaids the book of dragons yeah i have to collect them all obviously somehow. Somehow they're out of print. So it's actually kind of difficult to get your hands on them. Yeah. Copyright 1971. Oh, and the origin for this is Ireland. Okay, Ireland. I do not remember the story. I have a few stories in A Choice of Magic that I returned to over and over and over, but the magic lake is not one of

them. So if I if I did read it, I don't remember it. Will you still allow me to make some predictions? Oh, yeah, absolutely. You lightly told me a couple of things about the plot earlier. So out of fairness and respect for that, I will not guess those things. I already know a couple of the elements of it. So I'm going to guess that at the bottom of the lake... What makes it magic? I think I get that. Magic! I'm totally taking that from Galavant.

Ricky Gervais. Oh my god! I love that part! I was wondering why that sounded familiar. It's magic! It's magic! Magic! Oh my god. If you guys haven't watched gallivant do yourselves a favor and fucking do it it is you love on netflix fairy tales musicals and it's so good and over the top wacky acting um oh gallivant is the best it is and it only two seasons, but it is a complete perfect story.

Mm hmm. We digress. Okay. Predictions about the magic lake. Yes. The water of the lake is magic. At the bottom of the lake, there is some kind of sea monster.

Is that fair? Can I predict that? Okay. That's fair. And for my third prediction, the protagonist is given cursed jewelry of some kind. Okay. That's fair.

Okay. Kelsey. Yeah, I'll totally let you guess. You're totally wrong prediction. No, I'm kidding. Tell me a story. Okay, fine. God damn it.

So according to A Choice of Magic, this story originates from ireland and it's called the magic lake so what's interesting to me uh just a little preface about a choice of magic these are fairy tales that i cannot for the life of me for most of them find like on the internet i can't find more information about so while there's more background on stories like bluebeard I couldn't find any background information on this. I even internet searched particular phrases to try to find this exact story online. I couldn't do it. The only thing I found was a blog of another person that had kind of recapped the story. Yep. So that's one of the best things about A Choice of Magic is that I have never heard most of

the stories in it anywhere else yeah but they're all very uh common themes and i mean if you can get your hands on this book it's amazing so i love how in this particular book everything is written as if it's an oral story being spoken by like an old timey dude so they say a lot of funny things in this book so it starts off well well there was a lake with a bad name and it never tells us the name of the lake it just has a bad name so i'm assuming there's a lake it has a bad name it has a bad name and you could probably insert so i i kind of like to read these like and imagine like why why is this book written for little kids and so i'm imagining you could insert your own lake's name uh to make the story really

interesting for young children yeah if like you have a lake if you have a lake around yeah it's your lake the california park i used to live in that is a bad lake california so it's a bad lake but not because the lake is evil it's just kind of a pitiful lake it's man-made gross it's a sad small man-made lake but so yes it's a very bad lake and now i'm going to pretend that there are cursed things at the bottom of it. Do continue. I always have. I grew up around a lake. That's true. So I actually have a, like when I was little, I made up my own fairy tales about that lake.

And I made up a fairy tale that there was a giant snake that lived in the lake. And if you got too close or swam in the lake, because we weren't allowed to swim in the lake as kids, mostly because I think my parents were scared. They didn't want us to drown. But for me, I made up my own story about why I couldn't swim in the lake. It was because the snake monster would eat me. I love that so much. Yeah. Because you know how fairy tales are supposed to be stories that make kids behave the way their parents want? You did that to yourself. I did?

But yeah, the snake was as big as the lake. And anyway, this is a different story. There's no snakes in this lake. Okay. So the lake is mysterious and beautiful, but the young men who swim there constantly disappear. And it becomes locally known that anyone who swims in the lake will never come back. So one sunny day, a young farmer named Rory passes by the lake after heading into town to buy his girl a wedding ring. Aw.

I imagine them as him and his frat buddies are acting like idiots. They're probably drunk. I'm imagining this like it's a lame bachelor party. Oh, sure. Yeah, absolutely. Or bachelor party. Rural anywhere. A bunch of rowdy boys are walking back around the lake. Rory's throwing the ring up and down, like watching it glitter in the sun. I mean, he's probably very excited. So it's actually kind of romantic, but that's actually kind of sweet and i can imagine all of his friends are like ribbing him and getting him hyped about his wedding day and getting him hyped about the girl teasing him because he's so in love he's so in love oh that's so cute but lo and behold this fucking idiot drops the ring

straight into the lake yep that's fair and it falls down down deep to the bottom of the lake it ruins the whole party basically it is a bummer so and rory considers jumping into the lake after it but of course he thinks about all the young men that have disappeared into this lake before okay and he thinks of his girl peggy oh peggy she has a name she has a name i love that there's a fair maiden that actually has a name i think that's really sweet he thinks about his sweet last peggy his sweet last peggy and he thinks if he disappeared peggy would just fade away and die. He literally says that in the book, that he's worried

that she will be so heartbroken that she dies. He's like looking at his buddies and he's like, well, they don't have girlfriends, so maybe I could get one of them to jump in the lake. And he's starting to try to bribe his friends to jump in this treacherous lake. And he offers five guineas

to anyone who will jump in and retrieve the ring for him and his friends are all mumbling excuses because duh they don't want to disappear right i like how none of them are complete idiots yes so enter a young fellow named pedine who was a complete idiot who in the book says well no one ever no one really thought much of pedine like they thought he was kind of an idiot amazing okay upon seeing rory hold out the gold guineas in his hand this is a fun quote he's like then it's myself is the man for the attempt and i'm trying to imagine that like an irish accent then it's myself is the man for the attempt and i'm trying to imagine that like an irish i said this myself is the man for the attempt and he jumps into the lake jacket boots and all oh dude money hell yeah

also how much is five guineas i actually have that written in my notes to ask you how much you think uh five guineas is i don't know is money in today money I don't know, but I am going to Google it. Okay. I Googled it. Oh, you already Googled it? Okay. I did Google it. Okay.

Well, then I am going to make a guess then since it's already like we already have the answer. Okay. I think. Okay. Wait. This is a prediction extra point. Oh, you'll give me a point if I'm close? Yeah.

Okay. You're a generous God. I'm going to say five guineas is about 20 bucks in American today money. I'm just going to give you the point because Googling the answer was actually really difficult. I couldn't find a definite answer, but it was worth one guinea was worth 20 shillings. Okay. But it's different in today because today guineas are made of gold. But it's different in today because today guineas are made of gold.

So according to the internet, one guinea is worth like $327 or something. Okay, that's definitely not. He definitely didn't offer his friend like $700. So five guineas would be worth $1,600 something dollars? No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, no. There's no way he offered him that much money. But I mean, it's his wedding ring.

What's 20 shillings? I don't know. English money? Me either. It was like, well, one guinea is worth this many shillings, which is also worth this many... Pounds or... Pounds. Yeah, yeah. It went to pounds.

And then, so I had a really hard time. And then you have to look up the pounds to dollars conversion rate. Yeah, it was very confusing. But I like 20 bucks. I feel like that's fair. Because I feel like that would be like, I will give you 20 bucks if you'll jump in this lake for my ring. Peggy will be like super mad if I do it myself. So I'll give, man, bro, I'll give you 20 bucks if you do it.

Bro, bro. All of his friends are drunk, but they bucks if you do it. Bro. Bro. And all of his friends are drunk, but they're all like, nah. Nah. Nah. I don't know if that's right. I'm not a complete fucking idiot. Unlike Padin. Yep.

So Padin jumps in. He's swimming down, trying to find the bottom of the lake and swims until he is no longer surrounded by water, but by air beautiful gardens blue sky above him and a pathway wait so okay so he's swimming down and he's suddenly it's he's suddenly in what i imagine is like a dome of air does he just like fall to the ground yeah just he's swimming and uh it also says his lungs are about to burst so he's like trying to find the bottom of the lake because obviously that's gonna be where the ring is go back up and he just sinks until all of a sudden he's in this magical fairy tale land okay that's amazing

that's really cool that's fun that's the't it? Also, now it's worth it. 20 bucks isn't worth it to drown. Totally worth it. He still has money on his mind. He is a hustler. So he starts to follow the path, but he sees a bunch of men working on all the beautiful gardens. And he starts to recognize them as the young men who have disappeared that went to swim in the lake okay so he sees them and i guess it's not such

like an old legend that he actually knows their names he's excited to see them and he starts yelling out their names so he's like billy bob i didn't write down the names it's way too dark to read but you know he's like, Billy, how are you doing? And he just starts, like, yelling at all of his friends. And none of them look at him. They're working on the gardens. They're digging. They're shearing bushes.

You know, they don't look at him at all. No eye contact. And they're all singing this song, which is, Fair her face and white her skin. Have you courage her to win? And her wealth is far outshines Africa's gold and silver mines. She exceeds all heart can wish

neither rude nor tigerish. Best sweet as roses in a bower and graceful as the lily flower. Oh my God. That was, that's a really beautiful poem. They are all singing that. I am also beginning to remember the illustration that goes with this. Yes, it's amazing.

The song that they're singing gets him so excited. He's so stoked to meet this beautiful maiden. He doesn't have a girlfriend or a fiance. He's like super stoked. He's like, oh man, she sounds amazing. So he runs down the path and comes up to this beautiful grand house and he sees the maiden for himself except she's not beautiful and this is my favorite part about this fairy tale it says she is the fattest and ugliest mermaid that a man ever saw. And the story describes her as having pig's eyes, wolf's teeth, stringy green hair,

and wearing heavy gold chains around her neck. The worst part of this fairy tale is it's very fatphobic. Yeah. I'm not cool with it. They talk about how fat she is constantly, and that's the only thing that makes her ugly, and it's, fuck you. Quick disclaimer, we's the only thing that makes her ugly. And it's fuck you. Quick disclaimer.

We're not here for fat shaming. Absolutely not. That actually really bothered me reading this. But I also am imagining her looking like a mermaid version of Jabba the Hutt. Which only makes me love her more. And she's got all this jewelry and she comes flopping up to him also stringy green hair i had that in high school i thought it was i thought it was a neat look remember like when i i got blue after you dyed your hair blue yeah yeah i got blue streaks in my hair and then um i think

like the second time i washed it it all faded to green and it stayed green for weeks anyway so i really empathize with this mermaid it was kind of awesome looking though i'm not gonna lie like i said i kind of love her java is your favorite star wars character i completely forgot that um i don't know if you guys know this about me but i am a chaotic neutral so anybody who's like i'm just really in it for me. I'm so fucking awesome. Do what I say. I'm all about that.

You absolutely gravitate to those people. We are both villain sympathizers. Yes, of the highest order. I have some theories about that, but that's probably for a different episode. Okay. Let's definitely get into that later okay so um as i said i'm totally imagining this badass mermaid boss making men sing about how beautiful she is and forcing them to do her yard work oh hey oh absolutely

and i'm also kind of wondering at this point was this fairy tale written by a dude that was like just mad at his wife because he didn't like he didn't like mowing the lawn or whatever the medieval equivalent was they've just been together for so long and he's like all like salty about her yeah probably honestly that checks out it doesn't have a date for this that's another thing that really bums me out about this fairy tale is i have no idea when this was written so i can't really put a specific time to it other than i guess that they were guineas for money so it's definitely that 18 kind of like the recent past i guess then yeah is is when this story would have been told especially like names

like peggy probably weren't you know that's probably more of a more recently popular name so this amazing mermaid yeah this amazing badass bitch mermaid comes up to him and somehow she already knows uh his name and she actually has rory's ring so when pedine tells her he's come to retrieve it she hands it to him but after giving this boss bitch a backhanded compliment about how huge she is which again fucking rude pedine you're at her house and he's talking i don't know there's just like i said you come to my house he says something about how big her shadow is and he hope he wishes her well and it's just rude but he asked how to get the hell out of there and the mermaid says she thought he had come to marry her well i mean a wedding uh engagement ring did fall in the lake into her

domain and then this dude came down afterwards oh my god you know i didn't even think about that when i read this that it was an engagement ring that is the proposal so you know, I didn't even think about that when I read this, that it was an engagement ring. That is the proposal. So you know what? Fair. Yeah. I sympathize with her more and more. Well, Paddy is trying to smooth talk his way out now. He's flattering her and telling her he needs to give the ring to Rory, but will be back, all while edging toward the door. So he passes by all the young men singing again, who are now singing even louder than before because they can see the mermaid

there. They're like all nervously singing. She's so beautiful. So Petty reaches the gate and he ends up swimming up into the lake so he can get back into the water somehow

wait did he get the ring yeah he got the ring so she just gave it to him she's like oh yeah here you go so she's trusting too i love you i just want to know why all the other dudes are still there i know because she's clearly like not actively patrolling or anything but but but padin goes to the gate and he reaches the lake and while the story keeps mentioning that the mermaid is so fat she's like panting and can't keep up with him so she just reaches the gate and she starts screeching at him while he's like swimming away back up to the surface she's a mermaid could she not like swim after him i know she's got a tail and if he could do that why couldn't the other dudes? I have a lot of questions.

I have so many questions. But Padding reaches the surface and he gives Rory his ring. He was extremely impressed. All the men are just like, wow, you're amazing. They have so much more respect for him. And Rory happily gives him his five guineas. And it literally ends with Pad uh considering going back down since he did make sort of a promise yeah but it's like meh there's plenty of men down there for her to

marry if she wants and that's the end scene that's the end of the story that's the end of the story i mean he just was just like well there's already a bunch of other dudes down there that are stuck well i'm not gonna go down there and try to save them or i'm gonna take my five guineas and like skip off into the sunset like so what the fuck is the moral of this story um shit What do you think it is? I want to know why he didn't save any of his buddies that were down there. Like, what is this story supposed to teach you? Don't swim in your local lake, kid.

Don't swim in the lake? That mermaid might kidnap you. Maybe. Like, you'll get kidnapped by an ugly mermaid? And you'll have to dig this boss bitch's garden for the rest of time but i love her uh yeah she's not your average mermaid this is the only mermaid story i've ever read that's not like a beautiful yeah and i kind of like her game i like her i like her hustle i don't do oh and you guys the illustration of her is amazing. It's so good. She does have sharp teeth.

But I mean, I love her. I think she's the best. She looks really intimidating. She looks scary as fuck. With those giant teeth. And I think she's, isn't she like carrying some kind of spear or something? I think so. And she has all this jewelry.

Yes. Like this gigantic necklace. Mm-hmm. I am such a sucker for a real mermaid lore where it's like the mermaids are going to eat you. Yes.

Oh, yeah. So I would fix this story. Okay, yes. How would you fix it? Tell me. I would fix the story in that the mermaid eats Pettine and Rory never gets his ring back.

And that's just me. When he makes the backhanded compliment, she's like, I don't tolerate microaggressions. And then she eats him. Absolutely. That would be amazing. And it turns out all the men out there actually did just really appreciate her beauty. And they were singing about her and they decided to live down there. Well, because clearly she wasn't trying that hard to stop them. I it's not yeah that's the real ending yeah i love that that is a

great alternate ending to this story it ends so abruptly it's pretty funny i do think that's funny four and a half pages or something yeah but anyway it's very fun i love that story that was so good it's it's it's wild so wait how many points did you get because there was a monster but but i feel like that doesn't count because you did tell me that there i thought when i said sea monster i meant like like a different kind of monster at the bottom of the lake because you told me that there were gonna that there was gonna be a mermaid so i don't know i don't know if that counts true but i feel like for the sake of the story well for its original text not in the way that we read it that would be a monster at the bottom of the lake i mean it would be she did kidnap all those men technically maybe it didn't say she'd kidnap

them i'm just on her side so so maybe they just wanted to go live down there with her i mean if it was so easy for petting nobody nobody got any cursed jewelry and the water of the lake itself was not magical so i think i did i think i got no points i think i got i'm gonna give you two points because I think the monster counts. Okay. Even though I knew that there was a mermaid already. Yeah. But you just didn't know that she was the monster. That's true.

Which is my favorite kind of. I will accept the point then. And another point because I gave you the extra one for guessing how much. All right. Two points for Abby. I'm going to have to make like a cool little scoreboard or we could just make it up every single time yeah just throw out different numbers no i'm gonna keep track of the points do it i'm very competitive because i

you're competitive and i am my mother's daughter but yeah uh send us fairy tales that you want to hear about yes that you love or send us weird fairy tales that aren't fairy tales just weird shit your parents or grandma especially your grandma she told you some weird shit when you were little don't what did she tell you she told you some fucked up stuff not my grandmother but my great aunt told me a few stories that were very fucked up. And I love them so much. Like I said, everything that scared me as a kid is like my favorite thing now. But I want to hear what other people's grandmas told them.

We want to hear about your weird daydreams. We want to hear about your favorite fairy tales. About your weird daydreams. We want to hear about your favorite fairy tales. We want to hear about the weird stuff your grandmother used to tell you about why you should obey her. Because I feel like adults are making stuff like that up all the time. I know that. Oh, have you?

Here's one. Have you ever made up something and told a kid something fucked up to get them to behave that wasn't actually true? We want to hear about that as well. I actually have a couple of stories from when I was babysitting. What are you telling your children? What are you telling your children or the kids that you're in charge of? Email us your fairy tale fix at fairytalefixpodcast at gmail.com or tweet at us.

Tweet at us at fairytalefixpod. Thank you all who listened to this. And so the scary mermaid monster ate all of the men and made them do all of her yard work. And Leslie and Anne from Parks and Recreation teamed up to run Bluebeard through with his own swords. So they lived happily ever after. by Kelsey and Adam Horn. Listen to the show, discover other Fantastic Worlds shows, reach out to the hosts, and donate to our Patreon on fairytalefixpod.com.