Fairy Tale Fix - 10: Just Say Chicken!

Episode Date: February 2, 2021

Kelsey dives into the beautiful tale of The Frog from A Choice of Magic, which has it all–Witches, curses, giants, princesses, and princes who need to ask waaay more questions. Abbie retells the mysterious tale of a man failing upward in The Kingdom of Ocean from A Book of Mermaids.

I just want you to know and appreciate how much effort it took for me to not laugh every time you said the word cock. Ah, yeah. Yeah. That sound was Sierra Nevada's Hazy Little Thing IPA little thing IPA. Gabby, what are you drinking today? Did I see wine? You did see wine. It is a white wine. What kind of white wine? It is a white wine. I don't remember. I opened this bottle a couple days ago. You know that feeling where like you take a sip and you're like, is this still good? You know, if it doesn't taste terrible, I think it's still good. Yeah, it doesn't taste terrible, but it definitely tastes different than when I drank it a couple days ago. Oxidation. Yeah, I specifically opened it to go with the dinner that I made. Maybe it's

because like I'm not eating that food today. So the wine tastes really i don't know anyway it's a white wine i don't know what kind it's something i'm very something today i i have injured my feet many times today i might have broken my toe i don't know oh no but it's very purple at the moment and very swollen yeah you might have broken i might have broken my toe out. Yep. And I just accidentally bent my foot. And it's I'm doing great today. I hit it against the side of my fridge. And it was the kind of pain where like the bottom drops out of your stomach. And then you feel like then you feel nauseous for a few minutes. That's how I'm doing today. How are you doing today?

I'm good. I didn't really do a lot today. Just I slept a lot. It's Saturday. So Adam and I have been doing like Saturday morning cartoons. So we watched an episode of the Animaniacs on Hulu. That's pretty great. I definitely recommend it.

Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. Okay. Yeah. I've been meaning to check out the new Animaniulu. That's pretty great. I definitely recommend it. Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. Okay. Yeah. I've been meaning to check out the new Animaniacs. It's pretty funny. I just love Trace McNeil. She does the voice of Dot in Animaniacs. You would recognize her from Futurama.

She does Mom and Linda, the news anchor. So my two favorite characters. Yeah. Except for Morbo. I love Morbo. She does a two favorite characters. Yeah. Except for Morbo. I love Morbo. She does a ton of voices. Okay. She's amazing.

Like she's so talented and she's just hilarious. Okay. She's one of my favorite voice actors. Pretty much anybody on Featurama is my favorite voice actor.

Is it time? I've got a long one today. Are we going to segue? So I think I should go first. I chose The Frog from A Choice of Magic by Ruth Manning Sanders. Or it's a collection by Ruth Manning Sanders. She did not write the stories, but she collected them. And this one is from Ukraine.

Abby, I think you have read this one. So I'm just going to give you. Absolutely. So just a little backstory. It is a variant of the Frog Princess. So there are many versions of this story with many origins. So as I read through the story, I'll tell you a couple of fun. In the Russian version, they did this.

Oh, nice. Okay. I'm very excited about that. I didn't find all of them because i didn't read all of the versions still nice to throw in some details about different variations i'm very excited about this okay i do remember this one it's one of my favorites from a choice of magic i haven't read it in some time so i only have i only remember like some vague like watercolor brush strokes of the the general plot outline so I'm

really excited for you to retell it to me do you want to do any predictions or do you want to predict like how I would change it my fix I remember too much about it I think to fairly make predictions let's see if I can guess your fix based on what I remember about this story Let's see if I can guess your fix based on what I remember about this story. Okay. That sounds good. From what I remember about this story, I think you are going to fix whatever. I'm going to go off based on what I would want to fix about the story and just apply it to you because we usually agree. Yep.

That's very safe when your wife tells you a thing that she wants you to do or not to do regarding her personal property you don't ignore her and do the thing anyway because she had a good reason. Listen to your wife. Yeah. Listen to your wife. Don't destroy her property without her permission. I think what's fun about my fixes for this story is that it wouldn't change the story very much.

Oh, that. Okay. So my fix absolutely would change the story a lot yes okay well i try to you know it's like you you can't always fix it because you still like the story yeah that's true change the whole thing i just don't remember the second half of the story like i remember the first half i remember everything up until the incident that i am trying to avoid describing. And then after that, I only vaguely remember it. So I'm excited about this.

Okay. Well, settle in because it's a little bit of a long one. I'm settled. I have my wine. I'm ready. There once was a king with three sons, straight, tall, and handsome. And one day the king said,

my sons, it's time you married. Take your silver bows and your copper arrows. Ooh, fancy. So fancy. I always loved that detail. I know, silver bows and copper arrows. Go into the courtyard and shoot one shot into the sky. Where the arrows fall, you will find your bride.

Which sounds very dangerous. I know. What if it hits her? Your bride is dead. Good job. You pierced your wife through the heart. And now and so you just find a dead woman with an arrow in her. It'll be a very different story. Yeah, this is I mean, talk about changing the – talk about drastically altering the story. Yeah. So in the Greek version, the princes set out to find their brides one by one.

And by the time the older two are already married, that's when the youngest prince sets on his quest. And there's another version where the brothers go and chop a bunch of trees down. And they head in the direction that the trees are pointing to, to find their brides. Okay. So I guess there's kind of a bunch of different versions of this. Sometimes it's a king, sometimes it's an old peasant woman that tells her sons to go find brides.

The eldest son went out and did this, and his arrow landed in front of a princess from a nearby kingdom. The princess took it to her father and asked what to do with it. And her father replied, keep it, give it to none until the one comes to claim you as his bride. Interjection. This seems like a sweet loophole.

If she had her eye on like literally anybody else. Yeah. Right. I'm just like, just come, come say you shot this arrow at me. Hmm. Well, and it's also weird because it's like, so he knows about this tradition.

He's just, oh, you found an arrow? Yep, that's going to be your husband. You have to marry that guy. So that's cool. Yep, hang on to that. The eldest prince set out to follow his arrow and came upon the kingdom, met the princess walking in the palace garden and said i've come for my arrow she was all like none shall have it but the one who takes me for his bride and he's

like that's me yo and they were married it said that exactly in the book by the way word for word yep that sounds very like that sounds very accurate to the time period meanwhile the second prince shot his arrow and it flew far until it landed in the courtyard of a Duke's castle. The Duke's daughter was sitting on the steps before the door and the arrow fell at her feet and she picked it up and took it to her father. Look, Papa, I found a copper arrow. What shall I do with it? And the Duke said, keep it. Give it to none until the one who claims you as his bride. Everybody's pretty in on this cultural tradition then. Yeah, yeah. So it's just like known, I guess. And I feel like that arrow has to fly really far to

get to like another kingdom. It's like magic bows and magic arrows, for sure. The second prince follows his arrow and finally comes upon the Duke's daughter. And he says, I've come for my arrow. And the Duke's daughter said he says i've come for my arrow and the duke's daughter said no one shall have it but the one who takes me for his bride and the prince says i will take you for my bride and yada yada they are married blah blah blah that's how it works and guess what happens again does the youngest prince now shoot his arrow and follow it? That is correct. So the youngest prince, whose name was Ivan, had shot his arrow.

I think Ivan is probably my favorite fairy tale name for a prince or young man or whatever. I think we're a little biased because we both really like Russian fairy tales and every single male protagonist is named Ivan. Now remember, this is Ukraine. Still. And actually, there are lots of Ukrainians who, if any, are listening who are screaming at the radio right now about how that's not the same as Russia. So I apologize. When Ivan goes to claim his arrow, it is sitting on a mound in the middle of a swamp. And on that mound sits a little green frog clasping the arrow in her arms.

I've come for my arrow, said Ivan. I give it only to the one who takes me for his bribe, said the frog. Oh my god. And Ivan went home very troubled. To give Ivan a bit of a break, that is very troubling. That is troubling.

I don't. He's like, oh, no. I get that. I didn't shoot that arrow. I got to go. Oh, I was picking it up for a friend. I'll go let him know that you're waiting for him it reminds me of the princess who didn't want to marry the stove and the iron stove oh great you know i think that's fair

absolutely but the king called the three princes before him and said tell me my bright falcons which is such a cute nickname for them that is such a cute nickname for your kids The king called the three princes before him and said, tell me my bright falcons, which is such a cute nickname for them. That is such a cute nickname for your kids. My bright falcons. My bright falcons. Such pride. Tell me of the brides you have found.

And the eldest prince said, I have found a king's daughter. The second prince said, I have found a duke's daughter. And Ivan wept and said nothing. What are you supposed to say? Why do you weep? Yeah. He says, how should I not weep? My brothers have found their brides and I found only a green frog in a swamp.

Is this fitting? I have found a frog. Is this fitting? No, it's not. It's weird. And I'm totally imagining like all of his brothers and the guards are all laughing at him right now. Everybody's literally holding their bellies and pointing. Uh-huh.

While he just cries buckets on the floor. Ivan weeps a lot in this story. He does. He cries a lot. That's the thing he does best. But the king says, take her, my son. She is your fate. But the king says, take her, my son.

She is your fate. So the eldest and second princes rejoiced and married their brides. Then Ivan was married to the little green frog. And if the frog rejoiced, Ivan did not. The king gave each of his sons a beautiful little house to live in with their wives. And one day he said, now we'll see which of my daughters-in-law is the most skilled in weaving. Let them each weave me a piece of cloth and let them bring their cloths to me tomorrow morning which seems like a weird sexist move to me but okay I wasn't going to say anything but I you weren't I mean I'm very

disappointed I actually absolutely was going to say a lot about it um but then you beat me to it i don't want to belabor the point that is a very stupid sexist competition that you've decided to foster among your three new family members pitting women against each other okay and pitting women and frogs against each women and frogs against each other so not exactly fostering sisterly affection there are you yeah like who's the better weaver why do you care king like don't you pay people for that or have serves for that is that of yours so that night ivan wept and the frog said ivan my husband why do you weep okay also why is ivan crying about it go go on dude Ivan cries so much like I'm not exaggerating my wife I'm gonna say the phrase Ivan weeped like every other sentence okay maybe not

that often but pretty stupid pretty he we pretty he he weeps a lot. He does, especially about things like, my wife won't be able to weave my father a cloth. Oh no. My wife is a frog. I mean, I guess that does kind of suck. I wouldn't be very happy if I had to marry a frog. No, no,

no. Yeah. I think it's got bigger problems than whether or not the frog can weave, but do continue. But he does say, how should I not weep? The king, my father,

bids each of his daughters-in-law to weave him a cloth how should you weave a cloth and the frog said don't weep go to bed and sleep the morning is wiser than the evening which is my favorite line in this whole novel story yep novel when i say novel because it's Because it's such a long fairy tale. Because it's so long. But I love that. The morning is wiser than the evening. Yeah, that's genuinely very good advice. So Ivan goes to bed and sleeps.

And what does his wife do? She takes off her frog skin. Hell yeah! Look, there she stands, now a beautiful maiden, none more beautiful. She goes down to the courtyard, snaps her fingers, and skeins of colored silk fall into her right hand and her left hand. She gathers skeins of silk, stands at the bloom, and weaves those silks into the finest of cloths, emblazoned with eagles.

Which sounds like dope as hell. That sounds amazing. She goes back into the house lays the cloth beside ivan's pillow and puts on her frog skin again she's a frog princess what but ivan doesn't know this yet because he's too busy crying like a baby instead of asking questions well i mean he doesn't need to ask any questions yet. Are you a talking frog? How is it that you're a talking frog?

Okay, maybe he does need to ask some questions. He's not asking enough questions. In the morning, Ivan woke, and there was the fine cloth, none finer in the world. He took it joyfully to the king, and the king said, This is indeed beautiful never have i seen

anything more beautiful it shall hang on the back of my throne oh dang that's how fine it is that's how good it is but for the work of my other two daughters bah it isn't fit to be seen throw it on the ash heap which is so harsh were they real i mean because they couldn't have been that bad i mean damn throw it on the ash heap yeah and now let me see which of the three can bake the best cakes why why why is there pitting women against women. And also, why didn't Ivan ask about how the cloth magically appeared by his side when he woke up? He just cries. He doesn't ask questions.

Yes. And also, you threw their previous efforts on the ash heap. This is not inspiring them to try harder the next time. This is bad management? Management's the wrong word. All of this is bad management management's the wrong word all of this is bad parenting you know what's funny though i kind of like the idea of this king just being a wonky old

man that's like just fucking with them for no reason because he's just a dick yeah like i'm imagining him as really old and senile and like go bake me some cakes ivan goes home weeping i think he needs to have some faith in his frog wife she made the cloth thing happen the frog says ivan my husband why do you weep and ivan says how should i not weep the king my, my father. No, no, we get it, Ivan. You're a prince. Yeah, yeah. He says that a lot.

The king, my father. So how can a frog bake cakes? Better yet, why aren't you thanking her, asking her about the cloth she wove the night before? But anyway, the frog says, don't weep. Go to bed and sleep. The morning is wiser than the evening so Ivan goes to bed and slept meanwhile the eldest son's wife said to the second son's wife what shall I do I've never baked a cake in my life neither have I said the other wife let us watch

the frog and see what she does then we will do the same which I love this little like scheming going on at least two women are on the same team. Yeah, they're getting together. They're like, all right, we're not going to be outdone by a frog. Not a second time. Also, that absolutely tracks. They're a king's daughter and a duke's daughter.

Yeah, why would they know how to bake a cake? Why indeed? The two wives go to Ivan's house and watch through the window. The frog was on the table mixing batter. She was pouring more and more water into the batter until it was steaming wet. She took the batter and climbed onto the kitchen stove, laid the batter on a hot slab. The batter bubbled and steamed and flowed all over the stove, which sounds super appetizing. So the other wives ran home and did the same they had a fine burnt mess for the night's work but as soon as they were gone from

the window what does ivan's wife do she takes off her frog skin and becomes a beautiful maiden none more beautiful she calls she whistles and there now on the table is a bowl full of creamy batter she snaps her fingers and now there are delicious little cakes baking in the oven okay so i can't remember and maybe it's mentioned later in the story but is she actually doing this with magic or is this something that is being done for her that she is teleporting into the kitchen? It is definitely magic. She's just like snapping her fingers and making things appear.

That is cheating. That's what I wrote in my notes. It says, oh, so she's cheating and using magic. Yeah, she's cheating and using magic. I forgot about the king's daughter and the duke's daughter entirely. Otherwise, I think my fixes would have been different. They will be different by the end of the story. It's a very Cinderella. Ugly stepsisters are all upset that this little frog is doing all these amazing things and they can't keep up because it's just a poor little

swamp frog. I can't believe I'm losing a baking competition to a frog. I mean. Same. I kind of get that though. I feel for you. I definitely feel for them. So when the cakes are done, she takes them out of the oven

and lays them on a silver tray beside Ivan's pillow. Then she puts on her frog skin again. In the morning, Ivan woke, and there were the cakes. Oh, never had he seen such cakes. Without thanking his fucking frog wife, he runs the cakes to the king who gobbles them up. And he says, these are the most delicious cakes I've ever tasted. But as to those two messes my daughter's-in-law made, throw them to the dogs. So they threw them to the dogs but they would not

eat them false dogs eat everything happy knows my experience i i yeah my dog eats the plaster off the walls so i know that he would absolutely eat burnt cakes, so that's how you know that these cakes are real bad. They're that bad. They're so bad. The dogs won't even eat them. They eat literal garbage and each other's poo, but they won't eat this cake. Yeah, they're real bad.

Now, the king told his sons that in three days, he would host a fine banquet for his sons and their wives to attend. Ivan went home weeping again. Still no faith in his frog wife. Still not even asking her about how she made the cloth and the cakes. Being a totally entitled, spoiled jerk. Yep. Ivan, my husband, why do you weep?

How should I not weep says ivan in three days time the king my father is to give a banquet to which we three sons must bring our wives how can i take you to the banquet my frog i shall be mocked by all the guests and the frog said sleep now been my husband. All will be well. I'm just imagining my daddy. My daddy. The king, my daddy. My father. Why? Yeah.

My father, the king. Why isn't he asking his wife about all the stuff she's making? Why isn't he like, how did you make these cakes? You're a frog. Why be embarrassed about your champion baker slash weaver? He doesn't even call her my wife. He just calls her my frog. My frog.

At least it's my frog. Yeah. Well, that's kind of cute. That's true. That is kind of cute. Appreciate that he's drawing some pretty firm distinctions about you are a frog. The day of the banquet came and Ivan was sad as sad. And the frog said, go on ahead, my husband.

When the rain begins to fall, know that your wife washes herself in raindrops. When lightning flashes, know that your wife is araying herself. When thunder rolls, know that your wife is coming. So Ivan put on his finest clothes, mounts his horse, and rides off to his father's palace. The brothers and their wives had already arrived. The brothers were richly clad and their wives dressed in silk embroidered with gold and silver and wore diamond necklaces. Pretty.

Yeah. I mean, it's a banquet. That's fancy. The brothers mocked Ivan. What, Ivan? Have you come alone? Where is your wife? Couldn't you have brought her tied up in a handkerchief?

Which I mean, sick burn. The rain begins to patter on the palace roof, and Ivan said, Now my dear wife washes herself in raindrops. And his brothers mocked, Ivan, are you crazy? Then lightning flashed, and Ivan said, Now my dear wife is arraying herself for the banquet. And the brothers shrug and say, yes, he is mad. I like how he switched to dear wife.

Better appreciate. Maybe he is getting a little more faith in his frog wife. I hope so. Then came such a clap of thunder that the whole palace shook. Now comes my wife, my little dove, said Ivan. Which, where was this enthusiasm earlier? So a glass coach drawn by eight fiery horses dashed into the palace yard. And out of the coach and up into the banqueting hall stepped a princess so beautiful that everyone held their breath.

The queen and king both look at each other and gasp and talk about how beautiful she is which for the record i i looked up like most beautiful women in the world i actually googled that phrase you did and i decided i want lupita nyong'o to play the to play the frog princess as someone who just makes you hold your breath when she appears yes her beauty is so otherworldly and like ethereal yes she just looks like she's just from another plane of existence i've seen photos of her where she's in a dress like fabric just seems to do what she commands it to it just seems to swirl perfectly wasn't she gonna play cinderella in a disney movie or maybe people were just saying they wanted her to play cinderella that was a long time ago i think

i think that might have i've never heard a cinderella rumor about her she definitely looks like she needs to be uh some sort of princess though in a fairy tale movie who would you choose to play in the frog princess in the movie version obviously there are a lot of very beautiful women out there but when i think of someone who like when she appears on a screen i just i hold my breath a little bit because like wow this person's so pretty white no i do hold my breath because i'm not sure what she's going to say. Because she's a goddess. Because she is.

Pure and true. I don't know. I think Blake Lively is so pretty and has such incredible hair. And this great beauty mark right on the top of her cheek. And she's always dressed so glamorously, especially when she was on Gossip Girl. I could see that. She would make a great frog princess. Anytime she enters a scene in one of her movies, it's just not going to lie. A little bit breathtaking.

A little bit breathtaking for me. I'm like, just wow, you are so beautiful. She is absolutely stunning. They have to, well, you know, what's the thing that you do? Audition. Yes, they have to audition for the role. These are the choices. I think Lupita is the better actress though.

Yes, hands down, Lupita is the better actress. And she's also another, just one of those actors that's just, she walks into a scene and it's just, what was I talking about? I've completely lost my train of thought. Someone so pretty came in here that I just every interview that I've read with Lupita Nyong'o makes me think that she's just the best. She might just be the best person. Yeah, having a great personality and being beautiful is just unfair. The king rose and led the beautiful princess to the table and set her on his right side,

and everyone began to eat. The frog princess had a strange way with her. With everything she ate, she put a little in her mouth and a little in her right sleeve. With everything she drank, she put a little drop in her mouth and a little in her right sleeve with everything she drank she put a little drop in her mouth and a little drop in her left sleeve okay okay okay i wrote wtf like she's hot but she's weird exactly the other brother's wives watched and copied her, a bit in the mouth and a bit in the sleeve. It didn't seem to them a pleasant way of eating and drinking, but they weren't going to be outdone by a frog, even if she had turned into a princess more beautiful than the sun.

When the feast was over, they all head into the courtyard to dance. The wives of the two elder brothers said, let Ivan and his wife dance first. For they thought, even if she is lovely, she was born in a swamp. How could she learn to dance? Oh, ho, now she would be put to shame. Which it actually says, oh, ho, in the book. And that's my favorite. This has a very like oral fairy tale

yeah it reads like it's supposed to be spoken out loud which is the best it's really fun so ivan and his wife let out the dance and the frog princess moved so lightly so beautifully that her feet scarcely touched the floor and everyone watched in amazement. The princess bade Ivan sit down for she had mind to dance by herself. You're getting in my way. Yeah, she's like, can you just go over there, hon? I've got some stuff to show everyone. You threw off my groove. You're throwing off my groove.

So off she goes, skimming over the floor like a swallow over a pond. She waves her right sleeve a little bit, falls out of it. The little bit turns into a garden. A bit of food. A bit of food. I forgot this part as well, that she flings food out of her sleeve. Inside? Yep.

I've got a lot of logistical questions that I did not have as a child reading the story i have a lot of no answers great and this is also a really fun part so in the middle of the garden stands a pillar and on the pillar is a white cat running up and running down when the cat runs up he sings songs and when he runs down, he tells stories. How tall is the pillar? How long are these stories? They're like really short. Only tells part of the story while he's running down and then sings about it on the way up.

Off the princess goes again and waves her left sleeve a little. A little drop falls out of it. There now flowing through the garden is a little river with white swans swimming on it the company watched breathless but when the princess sits down to rest the courtyard echoes with cheers now let my other two daughters-in-law see what they can do cried the king that's so mean you can't make them follow that. Oh, but they do. Oh, boy. So the two wives got up to dance, although they didn't much want to.

And they danced and twirled, and they were doing their best to the poor things. But the king was frowning. So one daughter waved her right sleeve, and a bone flew out of it and hit the king on the forehead. sleeve and a bone flew out of it and hit the king on the forehead the other daughter waved her left sleeve and splash a deluge of wine and soup flew into the king's eye enough enough cried the king you clumsy fools sit down before you blind me take your partners gentlemen and let the dance become general oh my god i mean i'm not sure what he was expecting. I forgot about this. Everyone danced and the frog princess sat and watched. But Ivan ran to the stable, jumped on his horse, and galloped back to his little house. Could that princess really be

his wife or would he find the little green frog at home? Up into the frog's room, he ran. And what did he see? A frog skin lying on the floor. Oh, my dove, my wife, my beautiful one. Never shall you turn into a frog again. Selfish. And he picked up the frog skin and thrust it into the fire. Okay. So I completely misremembered this scene. I thought that he discovered the frog skin before the ball.

And then she told him, I'll level with you. I'm secretly a very beautiful human woman. But you can't destroy my frogskin because reasons. That's what I was assuming that you were remembering. But there's also a version by Andrew Lang, I think in like the Blue Fairy book that you have. So maybe that happens in a different version. Could be, but I've never read it in a different version. So, okay.

So I don't know. Anyway. So he just finds it, throws into the fire and he rides back to the palace. So at dawn, the party broke up and Ivan went home with his wife. She went into her room and looked about and she asked, where's my garment?

I like that. She calls it her garment. And Ivan says, if, where's my garment? I like that she calls it her garment. My garment. And Ivan says, if you mean your frog skin, I've burned it. And she cries out. Alas, alas, Ivan. Ivan, what have you done? Without my skin, I am forbidden to remain here.

Seek for me on the mountain of glass. If so be that you may ever win there. Goodbye. Goodbye, my Ivan. and she waves her hand turns into a cuckoo and flies out the window the window cuckoo flies out the mace window so it's a little gray bird it's way cute Ivan wasted no moment he ran to the stable leaped on his horse and galloped off where was was he going? He didn't know. But find his princess again, he must and would.

He rode and rode, asking all he met if they would tell him of the mountain of glass, but no one could. Until one day, he met a little old man, white as milk. Which I also googled old man, white as milk. You did? I just got a bunch of stock images of old man melting glasses of milk. I almost sent you one earlier today. Oh, my God. Because it made me laugh. The old man white as milk.

Wither away, my friend, asked the little old man. To seek my wife on the mountain of glass. Do you know, little old one, where it may be? How should I not know? Certainly I know, said every old man to seek my wife on the mountain of glass do you know little old one where it may be how should i not know certainly i know said every old man ever then tell me tell me cried ivan why should i tell you my son it's the same whether i tell you or not for i think you will never win there it should take the bravest man in the world to reach that mountain. Go home, my son, and live in safety. What? We all know Ivan is not that man.

Ivan drew his sword. Damn! He didn't burst into tears? Yeah. I'm surprised it wasn't Ivan weeped. Ivan wept and went home. Will you tell me, little old one, or shall I cut off your head? Okay, where was this guy earlier in the story?

Good old-fashioned fairytale violence. And the little old man laughed. I see you have a stout heart and took a small ball out of his pocket. Roll this ball before you and follow where it leads. It will show you the way to the glass mountain that stands at the end of the world. So Ivan thanks the little man, takes the ball and throws it before him. Off the ball rolls and Ivan follows. One of the reasons this has always been my favorite story is this is actually some very cool world building for how this fairy tale land

work. And there's so much going on here i feel like rolling a ball before you shows up in so many other fairy tales as do glass mountains and frog princesses and it's just all very fun over the hill over dale through the forest through the bog and fen he rode until he came to the end of the world, and there, towering up into the sky before him, rose the glass mountain. Round the mountain flowed a great river, and over the river stretched a narrow bridge, and beyond the bridge stood three giants keeping guard. The ball stops rolling. It will not cross the bridge. Ivan was about to gallop over the bridge when there barring his way stood the little old man

white as milk stop stop don't you see the giants yes I see the giants said Ivan what of it Ivan is so into his frog wife now he's definitely like single-minded redeeming himself yes he's redeeming himself a little bit I mean it is his he created this situation and it is his fault so he is attempting to correct it the little old man gives him some really specific and amazing advice okay there is this of it said little old man if you cross the bridge now the giants will tear you limb from limb then eat you by the mouthful will that save your princess he's all sassy too which is the best at sunset the giants lie down to sleep then you may cross but take these four cloths and wrap them around your horse's hooves lest by his clattering

on the bridge he will wake the giants nevertheless as soon as you have passed them, the giants will wake. Here is a packet of dust. When you have passed, throw the dust behind you. The dust will fill the giants' eyes, and they will see nothing so you can escape. And he continues with more instructions. He's got more? This little old man just knows everything about this whole area. It's pretty great.

So he says, ask the miller for a night's lodging. At supper, the cook will bring him a roast cock. He will eat it all himself, refusing you a mouthful. The bones of the cock, he will order his cook to throw under the mill wheel, but give her a piece of gold that she may hide them for you. And when the miller sleeps, be off with you to the mill wheel, but give her a piece of gold that she may hide them for you. And when the miller sleeps, be off with you to the glass mountain, taking the bones with you.

Throw them at the mountain, one after the other. They will make steps for you to climb by. At the top of the mountain, you will meet a witch, the bony-legged. Remember your manners, Ivan, and don't vex her.

She holds your wife in her hands. Never vex a witch. holds your wife in her hands. Never vex a witch. Uh-uh. And farewell to you. In this world, we shall not meet again. And Ivan had scarcely time to thank the old man before he vanished. I love that that old man gave him such specific advice. He really laid it out.

He gave him a play-by-play. Was Ivan taking notes? He clearly gave Ivan more credit than Ivan deserves when he gave him the ball and told him to roll it toward the glass mountain at the end of the world. Right. This kid, you know, he's got it. He's got it under control. I'll just help him get there. And then he almost charged across the bridge that had all of these giants on the other end. And he was like, okay, clearly you need the whole thing spelled out for you. I like, I imagine the old man,

like watching Ivan going off with the ball. He's like, he's, he's, he's got it. Right. Right. He's,

he's, ah, shit. He'll be okay. He's, he's doing his old man, like hustling through the woods. Like,

God damn it. Should have told him about the giants and the miller and he doesn't have it he don't got it ivan bound the four cloths around the four hooves of his horse and waited until sunset then the giants lay down and slept ivan crossed the bridge his horse hooves made no sound nevertheless the giants started up the moment he had passed them. This is totally like in like most RPGs. It's like it doesn't matter if you do it right. If you hit that trigger, they're like, wake up.

Yep. So he shook the dust out of the packet, though it was still day before him. It was night behind him, and the giant stumbled here and there in the night seeking but not finding okay so the old man gave him some magic he needs it real bad he definitely did he was what was he gonna do he's just gonna ride right into them come on ivan get it together it's a very helpful sprite ivan rides on and comes upon the mill and says the miller what do you want and ivan says a night's lodging but the miller tells him i give no common man lodging but ivan pulls the prince card and tells him he'll pay him handsomely and then the miller lets him come in they sit down for supper smart so the miller eats

and eats and toward the end of the meal the cook brought in a roasted cock grow up abby i can't you eat none of this said the miller to ivan this is my dish and he gobbled up the whole cock and bathed the cook through the bones behind the meal abby is like trying so hard not to crack up. I'm fine. Keep going. Just say chicken. Just wants to keep the cock all to himself. I wish you guys could see Abby's face.

She's holding it and like wailing her face back and forth. Just say chicken. Just say chicken. Just say chicken, okay. Just say chicken. Abby's crying a little. Or like foul or something. I don't know. Like whatever you need to do to make it sound old timey.

My fortitude only held out so long. Abby literally has tears in her eyes. It's the best thing I've ever seen. Please get through the rest of this but ivan had already given the cook a piece of gold to hide the bones under her apron and when the miller had gone to bed and was soundly snoring she brought the bones to ivan and what good they may do you is none of my business, said she. True story. You keep, you know, keep your head down or whatever. Here are your bones. I got my gold later days.

So Ivan took the bones and rode off to the foot of the glass mountain. He threw one bone at the mountain and there was a step. He got onto that step and threw another bone, another step, and so on with him up and up till at sunrise he reached the top of the mountain and what did he see a great glass castle and at the door of the castle stood the old witch bony legged which is a dope nickname is bony legged and like our bone is bony legged related to Baba Yaga, do you think? Oh, my God.

I was literally just about to tell you that in the Russian version. Oh, shit. Okay. Or in some versions, it's Baba Yaga. Of course, because Baba Yaga is like a catch-all for whenever they need a witch. Ah, the handsome young man, cries Boney Laked. Come in, come in, my precious. Tell me, none so handsome. What do you want of me?

And Ivan bows low. I've come for my princess, my dear wife. Well, well, I will give her to you, but first you must do me a little service. A plus witch voice. Though I will gladly serve you, madam, says Ivan. Such manners. Old boney-legged took him to a garden behind the castle, Such manners. Old Boney-Legged took him to a garden behind the castle, and in the garden was a big pond. I have been waiting years to have this pond baled dry, said Boney-Legged.

Empty it for me and you shall have your princess. Here is your baler. And then she gave Ivan a thimble with a hole in it. Oh my god. If the pond is dry by sunset, well and good. But if if not i shall have to cook you for my supper none so handsome so we're pretty sure if we know which one she would prefer and so back with her into the castle screeching with laughter i love bony-legged. Ivan throws the thimble into the pond and begins to bail out the water with his cupped hands. But the hours go by,

and the more water he bails out, the fuller the pond becomes. He will never empty that pond. He will never win back his princess. Old bony-legged is going to have him for supper, no doubt about it. Does he weep? Oh.

He ruined it. Sorry. Shabby damn. Ivan flings himself to the ground no doubt about it does he weep oh he ruined it sorry Ivan flings himself to the ground and does what he does best weep Ivan my husband why do you weep and Ivan sprang to his feet my love my beautiful one my princess yes it was indeed his princess the princess waved her little hand over the pond and behold the pond was dry now we are saved cried ivan not how the hell did you do that come let us go from here quickly quickly and not yet said the princess we still have to deal with the witch who has held me in her power for these many

years and when she finds the pond dry she will take the shape of a rain cloud a huge dark cloud draw your sword Ivan and when the cloud comes come at will look well at it and strike where the darkness is thickest and scarcely had the princess spoken when sure enough a black darkness of cloud came rushing from the castle it was all black but blackest near the ground and there ivan struck a sword the darkness screams the darkness vanishes and there on the ground lied old bony legged pierced through the heart yeah then the princess turned herself into a cuckoo, took Ivan under her wing, and flew with him down the mountain, past the mill, over the giants, across the bridge. And there she set him down and turned back into her own beautiful shape and called and whistled.

And Ivan's horse, when he heard the whistle, came galloping over the bridge, and Ivan and the princess got a horseback ride and rode to their home where they lived happily, none more happily forever after. The end. Oh my god, that story is such a ride. It's so good. I love this story. Oh, glad. Yeah, it's so beautiful. I really love it. It's one of my favorites i love how the princess is so wise and so skilled and so gentle in some versions she has a name oh what's her name i think it's in most russian versions vasalisa the wise vasalisa is the is like the female protagonist name name in many, many of these folktales. What was not cool... Pitting women against women against frog women. Just pitting people against each other.

Yep. Pitting your children-in-law against each other. Yeah, that's not a great welcome to a family. And I don't think it would have changed the story much if they had been friends instead. No, because Ivan still would have been crying a lot about the fact that he had to marry a frog, which honestly, I don't blame him for too much outside of the fact that he doesn't ask nearly enough questions for the situation that he's in. I mean, after the first weaving of the cloth, why didn't you ask, hey, how did this get here? You're a talking frog. Why are you crying about the cakes?

How did you do this? Can you make a cake instead of just assuming? Would have been good. Maybe when the old man shows up, you don't try to chop his head off. I don't know. He got his way with that one. He did. I love some good old fashioned fairy tale violence.

He did. Violence is the answer in fairy tales. I also really liked that the old man enjoyed that too. He laughed. He was like, you have a stout heart. I'm going to reward you. I admire your moxie. You got moxie, kid.

You got moxie, kid. I'm here with my story, which is very short. I'm very excited. What book is that? This is actually A Book of Mermaids by Ruth Manning Sanders. I think that's the one Dustin got for you. This is the one that Dustin got for me for my birthday. So A Choice of Magic, which is the book that we read out of the most often when we do her stories,

which is the book that we read out of the most often when we do her stories. The one that Kelsey just read from is a book that pulls some of the best stories from each one of these smaller anthologies that she did that were more around a theme. This is something really cool about this also is that it's a so Ruth Manning Sanders's collections have been out of print for a long time, which means that it's really hard to get a hold of them. But recently, this really, really cool lady named Melissa Buren managed to get permission from Ruth Manning Sanders's estate to begin reprinting these again in paperback. So you actually can buy these and have your own copies. So we'll link that. And we love her and she shall be our friend, whether she likes be our friend.

Whether she likes it or not. I really want to be friends with her because we're clearly obsessed with a lot of the same stuff. This is the foreword to this new edition. I discovered a book of mermaids one hot summer day in our tiny public library. The magical people and places in Ruth Manning Sanders' stories cemented my lifelong love affair with books. I am grateful to the estate of Ruth Manning Sanders and her grandson, John Floyd, for giving me permission to reprint a book of mermaids. I have been wanting a good mermaid story, so I'm really excited. Me too. I decided to read a mermaid story because it's the end of January, the holidays are over, New Year's Eve is over, and I'm done with winter. I'm ready for warm weather and I am ready for

beaches. I want to think ocean. That sounds nice. This story is called The Kingdom of Ocean. Give me three predictions for The Kingdom of Ocean. The only thing that I know about this story is that it is from India, but I was not able to find anything else about it, no matter what search terms I plugged into the internet. I predict that there is an ocean monarchy, not a princess or a prince, but a king or queen. That's fine. We'll take it. I'll take it. You predicted that there will be a Murmark. A Murmark. Can I predict that somebody's going to piss off the Murmark? Yes. And my third prediction is that there are no humans.

That is a prediction that you are making. I love these predictions. Because they're wrong? Okay, so here is the Kingdom of Ocean from India. There was a ship and it went sailing across the ocean. But in the midst of the ocean, a storm rose up and beat upon the ship and broke its stem and stern. The ship went down and all the crew were drowned. Except one young sailor who caught at a floating plank and so managed to keep his head above water. Damn. Not about his survival, just that he's human.

First paragraph. But hey, so you got two more to go. The waves drive this plank on and on, long way away from where he'd been sailing from until it finally washes up on a small island. And he wrings the water out of his clothes, rests for a while, and then, you know, he sets out doing the Tom Hanks and Castaway trying to figure out where the food might be, how to get water, shelter, etc. He finds many trees and shrubs which dazzle him with their beauty but when he reaches up to pluck down a fruit hanging from the tree he finds that it's not a fruit at all it's a sparkling jewel and so are all the other fruits on the tree well that's a bummer because you can't eat jewels exactly he says heaven help

me what use are these gems to a starving man but he still gathers a handful of those and puts them in his pocket yeah i mean why not don't say you wouldn't do the same thing abby's abby's basically the human version of an otter she likes shiny rocks i love shiny rocks. I love shiny anything. I'm a human magpie otter creature. This guy gets me. But anyway, let me tell you about what's happening to this guy. He wanders the island until sunset, until he comes to a well. And beside the well, there is an apple tree. And he's eyeballing the tree. And he's thinking, are those rosy apples really fruit or are they also jewels? He scarcely dared to reach up his hand and pluck one, but hunger raged in him and he felt that if he couldn't eat,

he would die, which that's true as human beings. If you don't eat, you do die. Was it an apple? He had had good luck they were real apples and he ate till he was full then he felt thirsty stooped over the well and was just cupping his hands to drink when he sees down into the bottom of the well the most beautiful face in the world lupita nyongos gazing up at him from the bottom of it. It was a mermaid's face, and there she was, coiled up on her silvery tail and beckoning to him.

She would be a beautiful mermaid. Especially with a silvery tail. What color tail do you think she'd have? A gold tail? Wait, Lupita Nyong'o or me? Lupita Nyong'o. A golden tail? You would have a green tail. I would have a green tail, Absolutely. It's my favorite color.

Like dark emerald green. Yeah, I like a deep, rich green. That'd be my tail. Maybe pecked out here and there with like silver and gold scales every once in a while just for added flash. What about you? Oh, red, obviously. Obviously.

Anyway, so she's at the bottom of the well, coiled up on her silvery tail and beckoning to him. He didn't stop to drink. He didn't stop to think. He took a dive and down he went. Dumbass. That guy's going to get eight. Welcome to the kingdom of ocean, said the mermaid. And she took him by the hand and showed him all the wonders of that kingdom.

And the richest dream that anyone ever dreamed was not to be compared to the wonders she showed him. Golden palaces, sparkling streams, rainbow bridges, green meadows where the white sea horses browsed, radiant gardens lit up by flowers that smiled and nodded to him, forests of crystal where brilliantly colored fishes darted and sang among the branches. Caves filled with diamonds. Caves filled with pearls. Caves filled with rubies. Of emeralds.

Of sapphires. Treasure houses of gold and silver. The wealth of that kingdom was beyond all wealth on earth. Please tell me he gets eaten. You are about to be simultaneously disappointed and very pleased. Oh, wow. I'm really excited, actually. I am queen of this kingdom, said the

mermaid. Okay. Yeah. Happy. Monarch. Would you like to be king? Oh, no. What? Well, I know my fix for this story already. She says, would you like to be king? Would he? Would he not? So the mermaid called her subjects together and they brought a diamond crown and set it on his head. They wrapped him in a golden cloak and put silver shoes on his feet and made him their king. She's got really low standards. Yes, this is true. They're just like, she's like, ah, a man. Would you like to be king of my kingdom? I just met you. I think maybe the fact

that she's so desperate for a king, he should be a little more wary. I think so. I think obviously this is true. I get the impression that she's an immortal being. So maybe she's just had so many husbands that she was like, fuck it, you're cute. But does making him king, well, is he still mortal? Will he die? Does he become immortal? Does he become a mermaid? I have more. There's so many questions. There's more in this book about this. Tell me everything, Please. For a long time, the Sailor King lived with his mermaid queen in great contentment. Whatever he wanted,

he had only to wish for. And wherever he wanted to go, he could go in an instant for the golden cloak spread out like wings and carried him whether he would. His mermaid wife asks, is it a happy life you have with me? And he replies,

it's a very happy life, my queen, but tell me one thing. I will tell you anything, said she. In our palace, there is a hall of pillars and between two of the pillars, there hangs a veil. What is behind that veil? This is what he asks her.

And she does like the typical like, ah, better you had not asked me. Is it all of her dead husbands? Oh my God, it's like Mermaid Bluebeard, I wish. But if you must know, you must. That's what I'm hoping for. So they went together into the Hall of Pillars. And at the end of the hall, there was a veil hung between one pillar and the other.

On the veil, there were pictures. The whole world was pictured on that veil. And the pictures moved and changed. Forests grew up and faded other. On the veil, there were pictures. The whole world was pictured on that veil, and the pictures moved and changed. Forests grew up and faded again. Cities rose and fell. New cities rose. Ships came and went. Rivers flowed and dried up. Birds sang and were silent. The sun blazed. Clouds gathered. Snow fell. Night came and dawn again. And the mermaid just gestures at the veil, and she's, isn't this great? Isn't that enough for you? And the sailor says, no.

Show me what's behind the veil. She's totally mermaid blue beard. She draws the veil aside, and there, high on a pedestal, stood the statue of a little warrior clad in armor from head to foot. The sailor puts his hand out to touch the statue of a little warrior clad in armor from head to foot. The sailor puts his hand out to touch the statue, but the mermaid basically slaps it away and says,

no, the touch is forbidden. No touchy. No touchy. And she drew the veil again in front of the statue and led the sailor out of the Hall of Pillars and asks him to promise her that he will never touch that statue. And he says, what would happen if I did? And she says, I cannot tell you.

I don't know. And he thinks she's lying. She knows. And he wants to know too. It was a little anticlimactic though. A statue? I was hoping it would be a bunch of dead humans. I'm going to tell you right now, your idea is better.

That's my fix. This is a dark fix. So he thinks that she's lying about not knowing what will happen if he touches the statue. And he decides to find out for himself because reasons. Irrepressible human curiosity. He is Bluebeard's wife. Sure, sure, sure. He also would open the closet. Gotta touch that statue.

He just can't get the thought of the little statue out of his mind. He thought about it. He dreamed about it. He went back into the Hall of Pillars, draws aside the veil, and just stares at it. Why shouldn't I touch it, he said to himself. It's only a little image. What harm can a little image do to me or to anyone? Classic. He goes back often and just stares at the statue, lifts his hands towards it, draws it back again. He made a promise he's not going to touch the stupid statue. But he became dissatisfied.

The wonderful world he was living in didn't please him anymore. The mermaid with her great love for him seemed to him silly now. Her subjects irritated him. Am I a king and may I not have my own way, he thought. Am I to bow to the will of a mermaid wife? Oh, man. Yeah, he sucks after all i promised her nothing i must and will touch that little image let happen what may so he goes back to the hall of pillars draws aside the veil and touches the foot of the statue and the little foot darts

forward and gives him a kick, a tremendous kick that sends him flying up through the roof of the palace he was hurled and over the sparkling streams and the rainbow bridges, over the meadows and the gardens and the crystal forests, up and away from the kingdom of ocean, up through the waters of the well and across the island and over the seas and on and on till he came down on the shore of his native country. It seems overly nice. It's too nice for him. You are going to continue to think this.

Does he get eight wives? Does he get eight wives out of being a tool? Oy, this guy. Oh boy. Okay, so he makes it to his native country he doesn't know what to do after this uh getting back to the kingdom of ocean it sounds like a lot of work to be honest for a life he was getting pretty dissatisfied with yeah what a tool you know so he just kind of shrugs he dusts himself off and he decides to go back to the village where he was born. He just heads home.

Now you're nobody again. You're a sailor. But that works for him. His father and mother rejoice to see him because they thought he was dead because he's been gone for a long time. In typical overbearing parent fashion, he walks in the door and they say like, oh, I'm so glad you're alive. When are you going to go get a new job? and they say like, oh, I'm so glad you're alive. When are you going to go get a new job? And he thinks, join another ship? Not he.

He had had enough of the ocean forever and a day. He apparently hasn't changed clothes since he got shipwrecked because he still has those jewels in his pocket. Oh, gross. Yeah, but I mean, if you're in the ocean all the time are you just constantly taking a bath that is a way to look at it sure okay anyway absolutely he sells the jewels and buys a little farm and he falls in love with a girl in the village. He tells her all about the mermaid, but she didn't seem to think that, and this is what it says, a thing with a tail mattered one way or the other. So they got married. And sometimes the sailor remembered the time when he had been a king,

and then he would think rather longingly of his queen under the ocean. But he thought of her less and less as the years passed and he lived happily enough with his new wife but whether his mermaid queen still thought of him or whether she didn't who can tell the end brilliant i think i get two points for that i think the statue was pissed at the king and the wife was petty toward the queen somebody gets pissed at the monarch someone gets pissed at the monarch uh-huh oh that's right that was your prediction i'm not gonna give you that one how dare you madam because i don't think the little soldier statue counts you don't think he was pissed and kicked him out of his ocean

because he touched his foot? That was not supported by the text. That is something that you are inferring. Yeah, which is what you do in stories. And also, I think his new boo is very petty. She was like, she's got a fish tail. I'm not worried about that that's petty that's dismissive maybe i thought i got that one but okay one point yep i'm uh i'm not gonna give you that

i see how it's gonna be i'm gonna stop giving you extra points just for no good reason you should stop this is a game and i like to win. I loved that story. That was not what I expected. Yeah. And he definitely did not deserve any of that. Talk about like a dude failing upward. The entire story. Is he an edgelord? Kind of by the end, I think. I think he qualifies as an edgelord, especially once he's been king for a while. And he's, oh my God, all my subjects are so annoying. And this woman who loves me is so silly with her affection. I'm so bored at being a king. Yeah.

Oh my gosh, this is so boring. I'm so bored of all these caves with pearls and rubies. Yeah. Am I a king? May I not have my own way? That is very edgelordy. Boy, bye. So I think that he and his wife, who called his ex-wife a thing with a tail, I think they both sound terrible and they deserve each other.

And I hope this mermaid is happy. So what is your fix for sure? I feel like there's a lot of fixes. A lot of fixes that would dramatically alter the nature of the story. I want our mermaid to make better choices and maybe kick him out herself. I wish that the protagonist deserved anything he got a little more. The thing that i would fix about this story is being given a reason to like the protagonist because i i feel like they they kind of give you nothing he really just fails upward the entire story and and seems to have no redeeming qualities yeah i think if they had given him a little more personality, maybe he had tried to save someone while his ship was sinking.

Maybe because I am very dark humored, but I think it'd be funny if he had opened the veil and it had been a bunch of dead humans. Yes. Past kings that she had gotten mad at. That is an excellent fix for this story. Instead, I basically am looking for- Undersea bluebeard. Blue haired. Yeah. Blue tailed. Blue finned. Blue finned. That would have been so fun. In our bonus episode, the other Indian folktale that

we've read, everybody had a strong as fuck personality. It's just so awesome and so noble and also really good at fighting. And I'm a little disappointed by this second protagonist in the second Indian Folk Tale I've read. By the way, if you're interested in listening to that extra bonus episode, you can sign up for our Patreon at fairytalefix.cash. I think you have to go to the second tier in order to get our bonus episodes at $6 a month, which is like, you know, a latte per month. And then you get like a whole extra hour of good, good content. And it's a really good story.

Abby tells an Indian folktale and I tell a very, it's fun, but a little disappointing grim fairy tale. It's disappointing in a similar way to this one, I think. Yeah, you just have a lot of questions. Yeah. A lot of fixes. But it is an excellent episode. And then we also were doing that every month. So now is a good time to sign up for our Patreon. Extra bonus episode.

Oh, I do want to say about this story though that one thing i do really appreciate that this about the story is like the the imagery is super lush i love the description of the island and the fruit trees and the everything under the sea and like his underwater kingdom i just just really, I really appreciate that. I love the descriptions in fairy tales. They're always very beautiful. I mean, obviously people are like, oh, it's very fairy tale-esque. Yeah. Which although lately when people are like, oh, that's, it's so fairy tale. I'm like, oh gosh, you don't want it to be fairy tale.

Because fairy tales are a horror medium. Thank you so much for listening to Fairy Tale Fix. If you enjoyed the show, please subscribe and leave us a review on Apple or Stitcher. It helps us so much. It helps people get to know the show and it helps people find the show. If you love the show and want to support us,

you can also get extra episodes, merch, books, and other bonus content by signing up at fairytalefix.cash for about what you pay for a latte a month. You can find us on Twitter, Instagram, at fairytalefixpod, and please email us your favorite fairy tales,

folklore, nursery rhymes, and other such things. Literally anything. We just want to hear from you. Info at fairytalefixpod.com. And the frog princess is saved by her sweet Ivan, who asked her many questions about her ways. She then taught her sisters-in-law all of her tricks,

how to weave and how to bake, and they all lived happily ever after. And the sailor was still an ungrateful jerk to the mermaid queen, but then she stood up for herself and decided to kill him. And then he took the soldier's place behind the veil. And then the mer-queen lived happily ever after.

The end.