Fairy Tale Fix - 100: Cinderella: Let Her Die

Episode Date: December 24, 2024

Come celebrate with us as we bring you our 100th episode of Fairy Tale Fix! We mark this momentous occasion with the tale that's been told 100 million times and counting–the transformation queen, the midnight majesty, the bippity-boppiest of them all, Cinderella. Abbie reads the Brother's Grimm version for a fun twist on the tale, and Kelsey gives our former friend James Finn Garner a chance at redemption with his politically correct version.

I can't believe you didn't have it ready. Come on. I'm sorry. I'm kidding. Don't push me. Let me do this in my own way. You got it. Take your time.

Take your time. Thank you. It's a delicate process. I wasn't thinking. Shut up. I was thinking. Shut up. I was thinking.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut you. It's a delicate process. I wasn't thinking. Shut up. I was already a coop in. Okay, go.

Woo! Happy 100 episodes of Fairy Tale Fix, baby. 100 episodes of Fairy Tail Fix Baby! Baby! Oh my goodness. 100 episodes. Woo! Oh, cheers to that. Cheers. How does it feel?

Ah, does it feel amazing? What are you feeling? Um, I don't know. I'm not sure. Hang on. We both have bubbly. We do both have bubbly. Let me look at my bottle. Hashtag not sponsored.

Hashtag not sponsored. I have Clarabelle Brut sparkling wine. Oh, that's amazing. From California. Yeah, California sparkling. Yeah, what are you drinking? I got this last night. It's a cupcake Prosecco.

Mmm. See how I love me some Prosecco. Good old cupcake Prosecco. Bubbly, sweet. It's the holidays, baby. This episode comes out on the 24th. Yeah, it comes out on Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. If that's your thing or Yule, which is my thing. I have a Yule altar this year. Yeah. Happy Yule. Merry Christmas. Kwanzaa also starts tomorrow.

Happy Kwanzaa. Oh, not Kwanzaa. Fuck, Monica starts tomorrow. I don't know when Kwanzaa starts. Kwanzaa is usually sometime in the winter. The 26th. It goes from the 26th to January 1st. Happy holidays.

Happy holidays. Grouson Krampus. Season's greetings. I'm wearing my Alluring Krampus sweater. Oh my God, Gru's Fun Krampus. I love it. It's so cute. Kimmy makes the world's best art.

You should all go. If you don't listen to the podcast, you should and you should go buy all their cute. Okay. I need to have that sweater. I've got to go buy that sweater just right now. It's so comfy. It's actually the second one I've purchased, because I wear it nonstop in the winter.

And I also have a headless horseman one. OK, got to get that too. Shit. I love Kimmy's designs. Me too, yeah. Kimmy and Ryan are amazing. A little shout out also to another podcast we really love, Textual Tension.

They announced that they're finishing the podcast for now. A little shout out also to another podcast we really love, Textual Tension. They announced that they're finishing the podcast for now. RIP. Criminally underrated. One of the best podcasts, I think. I love Textual Tension. I have listened to so many of their episodes. I loved the episode they did with us.

I loved our episode on their show. If you haven't yet, go listen. I loved our episode on their show. See if you haven't yet, go listen, go binge listen to all their episodes. I mean, there's a little extensive backlog for y'all to go listen to. It's worth it. Great show.

Great show. But I also, hey, I get it, podcasts are a lot of work. Yeah, they are. As we sit here beginning our 100th episode. Yes, 100 episodes and actually plus if you go over to our Patreon, we have bonus episodes. Right, exactly. So like technically, how many bonus episodes do we have? Like 28 or something like that.

Plus, we have some bonus bonus episodes. Right. We've got extra content and stuff we've done. But yeah, so we've made 128 episodes, technically. But this is our 100th regular feed. Yeah. Regular feed episode. And there's something very special. You clicked on it. You know what regular feed. Yeah. And there's something very special. You clicked on it. You know what it is.

Today we are talking. You already know. What? Cinderella. Mm-hmm. At last. I can't believe it's been a hundred episodes and we haven't done Cinderella yet. It only took us four years to be like, you should start doing some of the bigger fairy

tales that people actually know. What are we waiting for tales that people actually know. What are we waiting for? I don't know. We definitely have good plans in 2025 to read some more of the popular ones that people know because I also can't believe we haven't done Beauty and the Beast. I know. Or I guess we have done a few bigger ones.

We've been clipping through them. We've been clipping through them. We've been clipping through them. And we did Snow White, we did Little Mermaid, we did Red Riding Hood. Which ones even are there anyway? Jack and the Beanstalk. Oh my gosh, that's going to be a fun one. Rapunzel. That's a long one too.

I think isn't Jack and the Beanstalk like, I think that's multiple stories, isn't it? Technically. Jack has a few adventures. Yeah. But we haven't done Rapunzel yet either. I don't think it's a good one. Rapunzel's fun. Rapunzel has a lot more stuff in like, that's not pushed out like into the movies and stuff. Yeah.

Yeah. It goes. Yeah. That one also goes a little deeper. Really deep. If you have any suggestions for us, please message us. That's just the Western canon. I'm sure there's some big ones in other traditions that we haven't covered that I don't know

about and I haven't thought of. I know that we do have a couple of listeners who have suggested a few, so I need to go back through our Discord. Yeah. If you have already suggested something and we haven't done it yet, please suggest it again. Suggest it again. Please never stop sending us stuff. Sorry, we're being slow on our messages. Life is so hard. It's so busy. It's the holidays. It's the holidays. This has been a tough everything. It has.

I feel like that segues perfectly into our little announcement. I think we mentioned this earlier when we came back from our summer break, but we're taking a winter break. We're going to take January off from releasing episodes because we are at the end of our rope. Personally, professionally, spiritually, physically. Spiritually. Absolutely. We want to keep doing the podcast. This is how we are going to accomplish that. Because in previous breaks we've taken, this will be a longer period of time that we will not be in your ear holes than you have experienced before. We really hope that you come back and that you stick with us.

But we're going to take an actual break this time. In previous breaks, we have just caught up on our recording schedule because we had fallen behind, but we never actually stopped recording, editing, all of that fun stuff. This one is going to be an actual break. For most of December, we will do nothing. Yep. We're going gonna be replenishing. And we encourage everyone, if you can do that in your life, if you can find time to rest, replenish your soul. It's important. It's so important. It's really important.

We all deserve it at this time. And that way we can stay funny. Yeah. Hopefully entertaining if you're listening. We would love to stay funny. Hopefully entertaining if you're listening. We would love to stay funny. So yeah, we're going to take January off. The bonus episode will come out in February. We're going to get back to our regular schedule right after that, hopefully. But we do have a fun announcement for Patreon members. All tiers will now receive our bonus episodes. So we do have a $3 a month tier that was really just more of like, hey, thanks, we like your

podcast here. But now everyone will get the bonus episode. So as a reminder, December and January, we are donating all of our funds. 100% of our Patreon proceeds to different organizations. November was the ACLU. December, it hasn't been decided yet. There's a poll on our Patreon, but so far Planned Parenthood is pulling ahead. Which a fine organization, absolutely believe in the work that they do. So, if you'd like to kind of jump on the $3 tier or above for this upcoming month and donate to Planned Parenthood, you will get all of our bonus episodes.

Yep. The decision for where we're donating will be at the very end of December. I usually will pick on the last day and I'll make the donation on that day. Everybody's included. Then January, same thing. I'll put up another poll. People are free to comment, different organizations that they really care about. That'll probably decide our January 1, and we'll pick our January organization at the very end.

So yeah, feel free to join us on Patreon. We've got 28 bonus episodes plus a couple bonus bonus episodes. Yeah. I think we did one last year. We did of just the extra little stuff where we're just goofing off for your listening pleasure. In our very first episode, which is before the podcast even started, I think like a couple

years or like a year and a half before the podcast started. It was roughly a year and a half before we actually started the podcast. We did a test pilot. Yeah. And it is echoey, but it's a really fun episode. So echoey, but it's adorable. And it was when we really solidified our idea of how cute and funny we are and how we should totally make a podcast.

And we thought people would listen, which people do. It's crazy. I also love that in that episode, I remember thinking like, well, how should we end the podcast? And I'm like, Abby, what was your happy ending for the week? And I had thought about that zero until I said it out loud. So what was your happy ending?

I like our format better now, but that still makes me laugh whenever I think about it. What was your happy ending? What was your happy ending? Thinking back to making that pilot and wondering if anyone would ever listen to our show ever and then discovering that not only are there people who are willing ever listen to our show ever. And then discovering that like, not only are there people who are willing to listen to our show, there are also people who are willing to give us money to make it. And we haven't thanked our patrons in a while.

So we want to make sure we want to, on this like 100th episode, we want to thank everybody that has gotten us this far. Yep. Thank you so much. We do have a new patron. Should we mention them first? Yes. Let's mention our new patron first. Okay. I also think it's really funny that our new patron, Daniel, thank you so much for joining. I actually had just messaged you and asked you about your name because on the Patreon, it says 00.

Right. Like 00. 00. 007. Are you a- Very mysterious. Are you a handsome British spy, Daniel? A Canadian.

Probably not your Canadian. A Canadian, wait, can't, okay, anyway, British Canadian spy. British Canadian spy, yep. But I love that it's double O on our 100th episode. Anyway. Absolutely tickles me. Thank you so much, Daniel, for joining and for listening. And we're really excited to have you here. We also want to thank as ever,

our gracious, majestic, powerful fairy overlords. That would be Angel, who has been our fairy overlord from the beginning. We love you, Angel. Shout out to Angel. Since 2020. Since 2020. Angel! We love you. Angel, you are our king.

We need to have Angel back on this year. We do need to have Angel back on this year. We'll arrange it. Angel also graced us with his presence two falls ago telling us about La Llorona. We need him to come back and do more. Anyway we need them to come back. Such a fun episode. And do more. Anyway, so all glory to Angel. Thank you so much. And then also all glory to our other majestic, fabulous,

magnanimous, magical, fairy overlord Giselle. Giselle, thank you so much. We love you so much. You are so lovely, so funny, so generous. And also just a darn good time to hang out. Maybe that should be like part of the fairy overlord benefit is you can come on the podcast. We should probably have Giselle come on the podcast. That would be so much fun. So that everybody else can meet her. We've been having a ton of fun playing games, like playing games, just having like hangout chat sessions.

Thank you. We love you. Being amazing. We love you. Should we go through everybody else? Yes, we should absolutely thank everyone else too. Yeah, take a sip before we read all these names. Uh-huh. What the whistle.

We are humbled and grateful and oh my gosh, so excited to have everybody here. Thank you, Caroline, Cynthia and Bill, Dami, Elizabeth, Rabia, Tamra, Daniel, Adam, Charlotte, Vailroo, Bea, Natalie, Brittany, Shanti, Christopher, Benjamin, Candice, Kitty, Eagle King 64, Ellie, Fern. Continuing down the list. Thank you. Jeremy, Hannah, Jackie, Jen, Katie, Carrie, Linda, Lynn, Maddie, Nick, Noah, Olivia, Sarah, Jess, Tabitha, Jordan, Zach, Melissa, and Violet. We are

so grateful for your support. Literally couldn't make the show without you. You have gotten us to episode 100 and continuing beyond. We couldn't be more grateful. Thank you so much. We're so excited to do freaking Cinderella. I know. Oh my God. I am so stoked. Do we just want to get into it? Because there's a lot to cover.

Yeah. I think we should just get into it. With Cinderella. Okay. Oh, and just FYI upfront, I want to remind everyone, Abby's going to read Cinderella, but I'm going to be reading the… We're going to give James Finn Garner one more chance to read himself. Mr. Garner, you have one opportunity.

So I will be reading the politically correct version at the end. And oh my gosh, I'm a little scared. Better? Oh my God. I'm still traumatized from the Snow White version. That was not better than the original fairytale. No, it wasn't. That was not a fix. That was just awful. Just the worst. It was awful. But we're going to give Mr. Garner another chance because he's usually right on. It was the 90s. It was a time where that stuff was considered funny. It's not. We all know better now. I get what he was going for. It's just.

Yeah. Anyway, but first, are we doing any predictions? I wanted to give a little background about Cinderella and then tell you which version I'm going to be reading. Okay. Yeah, there are so many versions of the story. There's so many. And honestly, there are a couple versions of Cinderella that I might read in future episodes, just because they are very different and very interesting.

So pretty much every culture has a Cinderella variant. It's such a classic and common story, especially in Asia, Asia, the Middle East and Europe. We read one, right? I think we read a version that was like the golden something. Oh, yeah, the golden slipper. That was episode 34, the fishy godmother. Fascinating, the golden slipper. That was episode 34, the fishy godmother. Fascinating, the golden slipper. Are you remembering that? Where it was like a fair, like there was literally a, like the godmother was actually a fish.

Yeah, was that a Russian one? Yes, it was. Okay. That's, you know, that's so interesting because because I'm about to get to it, but the Chinese version of the Golden Slipper also features a fishy fairy godmother. Oh, I love it. Which would make, which honestly that tracks that those two variants would be similar because since Russia and China are right next to each other. Yeah. Yeah, it's a fish. That's so cool. Yeah. You read that one. It was a random reading. It was a while ago. Okay, damn. Episode 34. A while ago.

If you want more Cinderella, go re-listen to episode 34, I guess. So we've already technically done Cinderella on the pod, so I'm shutting it down right now. Well, we're done. Bye. We're done. Bye. Good-bye. Happy New Year. See you in 2025. Oh, my goodness. Okay. The oldest known recorded version of Cinderella is a Greek story, like an ancient Greek fairy tale about a girl named Rhodopis who the Greek geographer Strabo

recorded the story sometime in between 7 BC and AD 23. And it's about a Greek slave girl who marries the king of Egypt. And it follows exactly the same story pattern where like she goes to like a party, the king falls in love with her, there's a slipper involved, and she becomes queen of Egypt. That's wild. The humans have been telling each other this story in different ways for so long. Forever. Yeah. I love that. I love that we're like connected

to our ancestors throughout history. And like before it was even recorded. That's just so cool. Like, but like that this story is so old, but like, but that's why like this story is so old that it has seeded itself into pretty much every culture in that part of the world. So like Asia, the Middle East, North Africa and Europe

all have a Cinderella story, which is pretty cool. Yeah, that's really cool. And I guess I should say pretty much every culture within those geographic locations has a Cinderella story. It's not like, you know, definitely not trying to say that Asia collectively has a Cinderella story.

There are a lot of countries within Asia that have a Cinderella story. Yeah, definitely. I may, so the Chinese version is pretty it's pretty similar to the Cinderella that I think most of us are familiar with. But I may one day read the Vietnamese version because that one's kind of long and it's like a little epic. There's also a gender bent version in The Arabian Nights. I love it.

That I'll read someday. Those are pretty unique and very, very different variations on the tale. The one that we're all the most familiar with is the Charles Perrault, I know. Charles Perrault, I know. Charles Perrault? The Charles Perrault version of the story, which is the one that Disney based their film. Yeah, here's a look at you Trish, by the way. Here's a little link to our friend Trish who called us out, fine.

Fine. We'll say it right, I guess. God. Pro. So that's the version that I think most of us are the most familiar with. It's also like, it's the version that like Rodgers and Hammerstein based the Cinderella musical off of. Amazing.

Zero Nuts for that version. Oh, Zero Nuts for that version. It's perfection. It's super good. Specifically, the Brandy and Whitney Houston. Oh, yeah. That's specifically the one I was... Yeah. Apparently, they've made a bunch of movies of that musical. There are so many. Cinderella is one of those fairy tales that you know what I'm going to say. I keep asking why do you keep making this story? Let's stop. It's just okay. We know it. It's just okay. It might be one of the few times where I actually really do prefer the original fairy tale to any of the adaptations. I'm so excited. I know like a couple bits, tidbits from the original but not...

I feel like there's always a surprise. There are always, exactly, yes, there are always surprises. And again, not the original fairy tale. There are no original fairy tales, but you know what I mean. Right. I know it. I know exactly what you mean. Let's see, there was another thing. Okay, so the one that we're mostly familiar with

is the Charles Perot version that was originally written down in 1697. I'm not gonna read that one because like, if you saw the Disney cartoon, you know that it's beat for beat exactly the same story. Oh, okay. Cool.

So I'm going to read the Brothers Grimm version. Hell yeah. Which that one wasn't written down until 1812. So it's a little later. Much embellishment. Perfect. Fun. On the original story.

Those Germans really know how to take a fairy tale and give us some nightmares too. They sure. They sure freaking do. How can we make this scarier? How can we make this worse? This is actually a horror story. It is. That's about as much as background as I feel like giving to be honest. I don't want to read the Wikipedia page. Yep.

Go to the fairy tellers. They know everything. Couture is amazing. Listen to the fairy tale, the fairy teller, the fairy tellers episode if you want the full historical context of the story. Go to Wikipedia. If you want the full history of the story and you don't want to listen to another episode about it, that's great. I'm going to read us the Brothers Grimm version of Cinderella, otherwise known as Ashenpooter.

Ashenpooter. I'm so excited. I think so anyway. Hang on. Let me look at the table of contents to make sure that that was right. Ashenpooter. Ashenpooter. Sorry, it's Ashenpootle. Ashenpootle. Sorry, it's Ashen Poodle. Ashen Poodle. Yeah, is the Brothers Grimm version of Cinderella. And Kelsey, I do want you to make, I want you to guess, you can give me three guesses about what you think is different between Ashen Poodle and- Ashen Poodle, okay.

And the Charles Perot version of Cinderella. All right. Well, I do know a couple of things for sure because I've watched Into the Woods. Into the Woods is definitely based on the German version. Yep. Yeah. Are there a lot of differences?

Oh, you probably can tell me. Oh, okay. Although if you remember Into the Woods pretty clearly, then you... I feel like I might know. Yeah, I think you might already kind of get it. I might get it. I'm going to make some predictions that I don't know if I got because I've also read different versions of Cinderella

and seen so many. I don't know if this is from the German version or not. So I'm just gonna make some guesses and we don't have to count them towards points if you don't want to. It's just for fun. Just for fun. We're just doing this for funsies.

I feel like there's an important tree in the story, but I can't remember if that's from an adaptation or not. I'm going to make a prediction. I want to make a prediction about the mice. I can't remember if, I don't know if mice are actually in it or not. And I don't want to look at your face. I'm going to pour myself more champagne while you talk.

Don't look at me. Oh man, I love the idea of little cute German mice. They're speaking German. I think the mice are in it. I'm just going to say mice are in it. That's what I want. They're my favorite part of the whole story. I'm going to make a prediction about the evil stepmother because I really don't remember this.

I'm taking this off Snow White. The evil stepmother gets her comeuppance. Is that too, is that obvious? I don't know if she does though. I shall say nothing. Okay. Those are my predictions. Important treat, the mice are in the German version

and the evil stepmother gets her come up. How do you spell come up? It's come up. C-O-M-E-U-P-E-N-C. Google keeps trying to tell me I'm trying to write commonplace, but that's not right anyway. All right, does that work? That works for me. Okay. I'm so excited. Cinderella, Cinderella. Obviously, I am reading this out of the complete first edition of the original folk and fairy

tales of the Brothers Grimm, edited by Jack Sipes. Our main man, Jack Sipes. Our main man. Okay. Once upon a time, there was a rich man who lived happily with his wife for a long time and they had one little girl together.

Then the wife became ill, and as she became deathly ill, she called her daughter and said, Dear child, I must leave you, but when I am up in heaven, I shall look after you. Plant a little tree on my grave and whenever you wish for something, shake it and you'll have what you wish. And whenever you are otherwise in a predicament, then I'll send you help. Just stay good and pure. Oh, stay good and pure. Stay good. No. Stay evil.

But you are right. There is an important tree. Yes. Okay. I thought so, but I couldn't remember if that was from the adaptation of that book we read for our book club that we did once. Oh yeah. I forgot about that. Cinderella is Dead. That's one of the books.

Yeah. That was a great book. Okay. It was fun. It was really fun. It was good. It's gay. Gay.

It was gay as hell. It was hell. 10 out of ten. As she said this, she closed her eyes and died. I know. That's dramatic. Her child wept and planted a little tree on her grave and didn't need to water it for her tears were good enough.

Aww. Yeah, she cried a lot. That's so sad. It is sad. Think about how much water a tree needs. Yeah. Especially like it's salty water, so how useful even is it? You probably have to look probably up the water at twice as hard.

It's a magic tree. The snow covered the mother's grave like a little white blanket, and by the time the sun had shaken it off again and the little tree had become green for the second time, the man had married a second wife. However, the stepmother already had two daughters from her first husband. They had beautiful features, but proud, nasty, and wicked hearts. Yeah. Ugly stepsisters because their hearts are so ugly. Exactly. Exactly. But just something I like about the...

Something I like about the Brothers Grimm version, because in the Charles Perot version, they're ugly on the outside and the inside. Yeah. And so I kind of like this original version, or this German version version that's like, no, they look pretty, but pretty doesn't mean good. Yep. Yeah, I like that too.

After the wedding had been celebrated and all three entered the house, a difficult time began for the poor child. What's this terrible and useless thing doing in our rooms? the stepmother said. Off with you to the kitchen. Whoever wants to eat bread must first earn it. She can be our maid. All right. Did you earn bread? Yeah, she's hot.

Come on. All right. Come on. Keep up. Keep up. The stepsisters took away her clothes and dressed her in an old gray smock. You look good in that, they said, while mocking her and leading her to the kitchen, where the poor child had to do the heavy work.

She had to get up before dawn, carry the water into the house, make the fire, cook, and wash. Meanwhile, her sisters did everything imaginable to cause her grief and make her look ridiculous. They poured peas and lentils into the ashes of the hearth so she had to sit there the entire day and separate them. In the evening, when she was tired, there was no bed for her and she had to lie next to the hearth in the ashes. Since she always rummaged and dust and looked dirty, they named her Cinderella." Is this also while the dad's still alive? Yes.

I haven't heard that he's died yet. The dad is alive in this version of the story. That is upsetting. He's just kind of letting this happen. Also, what a waste of peas and lentils. Are they rich enough to really be wasting food like that? Well, they're not wasting food because they're making her pick it all out.

And then she washes it and presumably uses it. Oh, bastards. Yeah. What mean girls. Yeah. Huge assholes. At a certain time, the king decided to organize a magnificent ball that was to last three days, and his son was supposed to choose a bride at this event. The two proud stepsisters were also invited to it. Cinderella, they called to her, come up here, comb out our hair, brush our

shoes and fasten our buckles. We're going to see the prince at the ball. This is happening so quickly. I know. It's like it's all, it's fast. It's fast pace. Cinderella worked hard and cleaned and brushed as well as she could. However, the stepsisters Like it's all, it's fast, it's fast pace. Cinderella worked hard and cleaned and brushed as well as she could. However, the stepsisters continually scolded her and when they had finished dressing, they asked her in a mocking tone, Cinderella, wouldn't you like to go to the ball? Yes. Yes.

Yes. Oh, yes, Cinderella replied. No, actually, okay, wait, real fast. This is when Cinderella becomes the goth chick and is like, fuck no, I'm too busy getting high with my, like, this is when, like, today Cinderella rebels and becomes a goth punk. I'm not into that girly shit. Yeah, and becomes a bitch. You're fixing it already. Where's that version of Cinderella? It has to exist somewhere.

I'm sure punk Cinderella is around here somewhere. It has to. No one's thought of that yet, because that's what I did in junior high when everybody made fun of me. I mean, we'll get to this during our discussion of media adaptations, but in the Cinderella movie we watched last week, I feel like they were kind of trying to do that. It wasn't for a punk reason. She was too busy being a businesswoman. I didn't hate it though. Cinderella replies that she does want to go to the ball, but how can I go? I don't have any clothes. No, said the eldest daughter, that's all we'll need for you to show up there.

If the people heard you were our sister, we'd be ashamed. You belong in the kitchen where there's a bowl full of lentils. When we return, they must be sorted and take care that we don't find a bad one among them. Otherwise, you know what'll happen to you. What? Why isn't Cinderella beating like, why isn't she kicking their ass?

I don't know. It's such a good question. And I feel like every single adaptation has tried to find an answer to that question and has not done a good job of explaining why. This is why it's called Fairy Tale Fix. Cinderella becomes a vigilante and starts training at night. Instead of a fairy godmother, it's like her apprentice.

She goes to learn how to use a sword or like Antiham combat. I love this. I think this is exactly how you fix it. I feel like anytime anyone has ever tried to play this fairy tale straight, it just doesn't work because why? Why is she putting up with this? Yeah. And the answer in like 1812 terms or 1600s terms or like 6 BC terms is that women had absolutely no agency, couldn't go anywhere, couldn't make their own money. Their only economic option was living in their father's house until they could find a husband who would feed them. So that's the real answer. It's just that for a modern sensibility, that doesn't work.

That's true. I guess Ever After touches on that a little bit where she's really sassy, kick ass, she doesn't take shit. I mean, she kind of does, but not. But she doesn't really have anywhere else to go. And I feel like I agree with you that I think that movie has done it best. Yeah. Of explaining why she's still here. And because like the other servants are her family and like take care of her. Yeah. And like, you know, anyway, it's a a whole thing. That's why in the story anyway, she's not going anywhere.

I want her to run away, meet up with a group of bandits. What about Cinderella and Robinhood meet, and then he trains her and they plan their vengeance together. I love that too. Okay. Anyway, sorry. Let's finish the story and then we'll fix it. I'm just upset, okay? I know.

I was also bullied as the young girl. I know. I know. This story is a little triggering. Why did Cinderella put up with it, AKA, why did little Kelsey put up with it? That's just it. I didn't. I dressed in all black and wore fishnets and decided, I don't want to go to your stupid

dance. That's true. Anyway, go on. That's true. Sorry. Okay. your stupid dance. That's true. Anyway, go on. Okay. So the stepsisters leave and Cinderella stands there and looks after them. And when she could no longer see them, she went sadly into the kitchen and shook the lentils onto the hearth and they formed a very large pile.

Oh, she sighed and said, I'll have to sort them until midnight and I won't be able to shut my eyes no matter how much they may hurt, if only my mother knew about this. Then she knelt down in the ashes in front of the hearth and wanted to begin sorting. All at once, two white pigeons flew through the window and landed next to the lentils on the hearth and wanted to begin sorting. All at once, two white pigeons flew through the window and landed next to the lentils on the hearth. They nodded with their little heads and said, Cinderella, would you like us to help you sort the lentils? Yes, answered Cinderella. Should have been mice. But it's not. It's pigeons. Should have been mice. It's rude. Pigeons.

It's pigeons. Pigeons are great. Pigeons are a slandered bird. That's true. I 100% agree with that. I do love pigeons, but for this particular story, I'm mad it's not mine. Yeah. Well, we're not reading the Charles Perot version, are we? Are we? Okay, go on. The good ones for the little pot, the bad ones for your little crop. And peck, peck, peck, peck, they began and ate the bad ones and let the good ones remain. And in a quarter of an hour, the lentils were so clean that there was not a bad one among

them and Cinderella could smooth them out in the little pot. And now the pigeon said to her, Cinderella, if you want to see your sisters dance with the prince, then climb up to the pigeon coop. Oh my God. Okay. Cinderella, if you want to see your sisters dance with the prince, then climb up to the pigeon coop. Oh my God. Okay. I love where this is going. I take it all back. Thank you. Pigeon godmother instead of the fairy godmother. I think the fairy godmother is more going to be like the tree and like her mother's ghost or whatever.

Okay. Yeah, you're right. But I love where this is going. I love fairy tale pigeons. How often do we get fairy tale pigeons? Never. And we should get them more. This is the first and probably the last.

The first and last time. Cinderella followed them and climbed to the top of the ladder of the pigeon coop and could see the ballroom from there. Indeed, she could see her sisters dance with the prince and a thousand chandeliers glittered and glistened before her eyes. And after she had seen enough, she climbed down the ladder.

Her heart was heavy and she laid herself down in the ashes and fell asleep. Oh, pigeons are like, yeah, come up here and look what you're missing. Yeah, come check out what you're missing. We can all watch. So I love the idea of her sitting on the pigeon coop with all the pigeons and watching the splendor. The next morning, the two sisters went into the kitchen and when they saw that Cinderella had cleanly sorted the lentils, they were angry because they would have liked to have scolded her. Since they couldn't do that, they began to tell her about the ball and said, Cinderella, it was so much fun, especially the

dance. The prince, who's the most handsome one in the world, led us out onto the dance floor and one of us will definitely become his bride. Oh, Oh, look at me. You're so handsome. So rich. Yes, Cinderella said. I saw the chandelier's glimmer. That must have been splendid. What? How did you manage that? The eldest sister asked. I climbed up to the pigeon coop. When the sister heard this, she was filled with jealousy and she immediately ordered the pigeon coop to be torn down. What a bitch. What a bitch. You can't even look. Also, I forgot the the ball was three days. I did know that from Into the Woods. Yep, from Into the Woods. But she goes each night and she's- Yeah, that's right.

This one she doesn't get to go to the first, at least to the first night. Does that mean mice are in the second night? Oh my God. Okay. I'm so excited. Deep breaths, Kelsey. I'm going to sip my champagne. Hold on.

Sip your champagne. My Prosecco, I mean. Okay. Now, Cinderella had to come and clean again, and the youngest sister who had a little sympathy in her heart said, Cinderella, when it turns dark, you can go to the ball and look in through the windows. I love that there's a secret half-nice sister. Yeah, well, that's kind of like- That's like a common trope in a lot of the adaptations is there's always one sister who's like kind of nice,

actually. But like kind of has gone along with her mother and sister. Yeah, peer pressure. Actually, it hasn't said a single thing about her stepmom, has it? Yeah, her sisters are doing all the tormenting. Interesting. It's not even an evil stepmom, dang it.

I mean, her stepmother was the one who sent her to the kitchen in the first place. That's true, that's true. But she hasn't been like the ones kind of poisoning her daughters against her, which is usually how it goes, I think. And the father's still alive. And the father's still alive. I think that the two adults are just sort of off on their

own little world doing their own little thing. And this is a sister's tale. This is just Mean Girl. This is literally Mean Girl's 1.0. Okay. No, said the eldest, that will only make her lazy. Here's a sack of sweet peas, Cinderella. Sort the good from the bad and work hard. If you don't have them sorted cleanly by tomorrow, then I'll spill them all into the ashes and you'll have to starve until you fish them out. You can't sit with us. You can't sit with us. them out. You can't sit with us. You can't sit with us. Cinderella sat down on the hearth in distress and poured the peas out of the sack. Then the pigeons flew into the kitchen once again and asked in a friendly way, Cinderella, do you want us to sort the peas? Yes. The good ones for the little pot, the bad ones for

your little crop. Peck, peck, peck, peck it all went so quickly as if 12 hands were there. When they were finished, the pigeon said, Cinderella, do you want to go dance at the ball? Oh, are you going to make her a dress? Oh, my God. She cried out. Oh, my God, she cried out. Oh my God. Oh my God. But how can I go there in my dirty clothes? Go to the little tree on your mother's grave, shake it and wish for clothes. However, you must return before midnight. Nice. So Cinderella went to the grave, shook the little tree and

spoke, shake and wobble little tree, let beautiful clothes fall down on me. And no sooner had she said this than a splendid dress lay right before her along with pearls, silk stockings, silver slippers, and everything else that belonged to her outfit. Cinderella carried everything into the house and after she had washed herself and dressed herself, she was as beautiful as a rose washed by the dew. So beautiful. Is the tree in the Charles Perot version? Nope. Okay.

Because yeah, you said it was like a play by play of the Disney version. Yeah, it's why I'm not reading that one because it's beat for beat exactly the same. Okay. Like fairy godmother, fairy godmother, mice, pumpkin, glass slippers. That's where all of that comes from. Okay. Yeah. This one's pigeons. I really love that actually. Yeah. Like I was sad at first, but like the more I think about it, it's so cute. When you think about it, they are the mice of the sky.

Rats with wings. Rats with wings, baby. Have you seen the meme where it's like, it's a bunch of rats and they're looking up and they're like, angels and it's birds at least. That's hilarious. Hold on. Angels. I don't know if I to find it real fast. It's such a cute little comic. No, I can't. I'll find it later. That does remind me though of like my dad

has told me on multiple occasions that doves are just pigeons with good PR. They really are. They're literally the same bird. It's the same bird. Oh, I love them. They're like smart. They're so smart, though. Yeah. If anybody knows why pigeons in, oh my God, I bet it's Katrina. Oh, now I need to ask why pigeons and not mice? Why is like mice French and pigeons German? Pigeons German. Who knows? I'm just really interested. Anyway, she gets to shake a tree. Anyway, she shakes a tree, beautiful dress comes out. She dresses in the beautiful dress.

The classic Cinderella moment. She has her classic Cinderella moment. And When she stepped outside, a carriage already stood there drawn by six black horses adorned with feathers. Because they're actually pigeons. Because they're actually pigeons. I love it so much. There were also servants dressed in blue and silver who helped her inside. Then off they galloped to the king's castle.

Blue and silver because they're pigeons. Because they're pigeons. Oh my God. I love it. I love it. When the prince saw the carriage come to a halt before the gate, he thought that a strange princess from afar had come traveling to the ball. So he himself went down the stairs and helped Cinderella out of the carriage and led her into the ballroom. And when the glitter of the 4,000 chandeliers fell upon her, she was so beautiful that everyone there was amazed.

And the sisters also stood there and were annoyed that some other young lady was more beautiful than they. However, they didn't think in the least that it might be Cinderella, who was presumably at home in the ashes. Now the prince danced with Cinderella and showed her royal honor. As he danced, he thought to himself, I'm supposed to choose a bride and I know she's the only one for me. Of course.

Yeah, because she's the prettiest. Because she's the prettiest one. On the other hand, Cinderella had lived for such a long time in ashes and sadness, and now she was in splendor and joy. So we love this for her. But when midnight came, before the clock struck 12, she stood up and bowed goodbye. And even though the prince begged and begged, she refused to remain any longer. So the prince led her down the stairs. The carriage was below and waiting for her and it drove off in splendor as it had come. On the steps of the palace. I don't know that song well enough to sing it right. What were you singing?

The On the Steps of the Palace. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Goodbye. Goodbye. When Cinderella arrived home, she went once again to the little tree on her mother's grave. Shake and wobble, little tree, take these clothes back from me. Then the tree took the clothes and Cinderella had her gray smock on again.

She returned to the kitchen with it, put some dust on her face, and laid herself down to sleep. Hmm, sneaky. Still sneaky. And in the morning, the sisters came. They looked morose and kept quiet. Then Cinderella said, Well, you must have had an enjoyable time last night. No, a princess was there and the prince almost always danced with her. Nobody had ever seen her or knew where she had come from. Was it perhaps that lady who arrived in the

splendid carriage pulled by six black horses? Cinderella asked. I like that she's kind of nagging them a little bit. Me too. That's so good. How do you know this? As I was standing in the entrance to the house, I saw her drive by. In the future, stay inside working, said the eldest sister, who looked angrily at Cinderella. What business do you have to stand in the entrance of the house?

Such an asshole. Mm-hmm. She should have called her other sister out. Oh, well, she told me. Yeah, yes. She should have done that. Come on, Cinderella. Call her out.

For a third time, Cinderella had to dress up the two sisters and as a reward, they gave her a bowl with peas that she was to sort. And don't you dare leave your work, the eldest daughter called out to her. Cinderella thought, if only my pigeons will return, and her heart beat anxiously until the pigeons came as they had the previous night and said, Cinderella, do you want us to sort the peas? Yes, please. Once more, the pigeons pecked the bad ones out.

And once they were finished, they said, Cinderella, shake the little tree. It will throw down even more beautiful clothes. Go to the ball, but take care of that you return before midnight. I love this one because it's like multiple days. And so there's a bunch of outfit changes. Yeah, that would be fun. I feel like you only ever get like the one. Yeah, and I want to see multiple ball gowns. Yeah. And they have to be better than everybody else's. Yes. Absolutely. We've been thinking about this for a while. But

we'll get to that. Cinderella went to her mother's grave, shake and wobble little tree, let beautiful clothes fall down to me. Then a dress fell down and it was even more glorious and splendid than the previous one. It was made out of gold and precious gems. And in addition, there were golden gusseted stockings and gold slippers. And after Cinderella was completely dressed, she glistened like the sun at midday. I know.

A carriage drawn by six white horses that had plumes on their heads stopped in front of the house and the servants were dressed in red and gold. When Cinderella arrived, the prince was already on the stairs and led her into the ballroom. And if everyone had been astonished by her beauty the day before, they were even more astounded this evening. And the sisters stood in a corner and were pale with envy. I like that he was waiting there for her too. Hell yeah.

Like, oh, waiting for this, huh? He's like, I know that hottie. She'll be back. The prettiest. Yeah. Who has the expensive magic gowns. With the expensive gowns and the fancy servants. Come on. Did her sisters really think a prince?

Come on. Come on. Because this isn't Disney's prince. This isn't the prince that's like, no, father, I want to marry for love. Right. This is just a regular prince. This is a regular prince who definitely wants to marry a princess pretty specifically. If the sisters had known that it was Cinderella who was supposed to be at home in the ashes. They would have died of envy. Now the prince wanted to know who the strange princess was, where she came from, where she drove off to. So he had people stationed on the road and they were to pay

attention to her whereabouts. This prince is crafty. Abby, where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from? Where did you go? Sorry. Where did you come from? Cotton Eye Joe. Yes, he is absolutely Cotton Eye Joe-ing her. Hey, that's smart. It's super smart. I like that she's so secretive though.

Although I'm a little disappointed in this story that there's nothing about like, her like Cinderella and the prince conversing. Like it's literally just, and he danced with her. Like, but give me a little more, like, cause I know he's gonna still marry her even though she's poor, but like give us a little more story between them besides they just danced and he was like, oh yeah, she's pretty.

No, I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. But that's that is sort of the problem with it's one of the problems with Cinderella as a story is like in in virtually no version of the fairy tale. Do you actually get like any kind of falling in love sequence or anything. At least that's the... I feel like that's usually the adaptation's primary fix is they show that part at least. They used to talk to each other a little bit. Although, okay, I mean, we'll get to it, but I have a controversial opinion. Ooh, okay. I will shut up.

Just kidding. I won't. Sorry. That's literally the podcast. It's for you not to cut out. It's actually my job. I'm going to interrupt you 12 more times before we... Amazing. Okay. Also, I'm just going to also interrupt and say I'm annoyed that the pigeons were wearing

red and gold because they got blue and silver. that's pigeon colors. Like that's, that was a specific, I thought that was like a specific, like they were pigeons that were turned into servants and they look like they were wearing silver and blue because they look like pigeons. Right. If you think about it, pigeons often have very iridescent feathers. Red and gold are also colors that show up. Yeah, but not as predominantly. Incent feathers. Red and gold are also colors that show up. Yeah, but not as predominantly. I mean, I love red and gold over blue and silver, personally. They're wearing iridescent livery. That's my head carry.

I just think it's cute. I like the idea that the horses still have feathers. They still look like pigeons. Yeah, those are horses, but they're very pigeon-y horses. They're feathers. They're wearing feathers and they're little plumes. They've got little... Yeah, they did the horses. Anyway.

Anyway. Okay, I promise I won't interrupt you for at least one paragraph. Let me get that paragraph out. Hang on. I need more champagne for this. Cinderella is not my favorite. I mean, yeah, it's a little boring. I've got loads of fixes.

So many. But mainly the one where she has a cool training montage. And she just seeks vengeance and they kill the prince instead, because she's with Robin Hood and they rob the ball. They, while the ball's going on, they rob the king. And instead it's like an Ocean's Eleven type like heist. Oh my God, Cinderella as a heist movie is so good. And Cinderella and Robin Hood are like in the same kind of era, aren't they-ish? Yeah, I mean, because there's so many different versions of Cinderella, pick one.

And I'm sure that it's in an era, it shares eras with something. Plus, we've heard a million Robin Hood stories and a million Cinderella. So what if? They teamed up. They teamed up. It would be so good. It would be so good. They just rob both of them and they run off or then, you know what? I don't want them them to fall in love I just want them to like do the high because they're both gay obviously obviously they do the heist Robin Hood runs around the woods all day with a with his merry men very merry men yeah made marians actually into cinderella in my head cannon yeah

it's where they're pan and they all sleep together. Oh, that's sexy too. Anyway. Put them in go their separate ways. Anyway. Yeah, sorry. Let me finish the story. Fine.

I know. But I promise we're getting to the good part. We're getting to the good part. Oh, I'm so excited. Okay. Okay. I know. But I promise we're getting to the good part. We're getting to the good part. Oh, I'm so excited. Okay. Okay. Anywho, he is cotton-eye-jowing her because he wants to know where she come from, where she go. He also had the stairs smeared with pitch, so it would be harder for her to run away so fast. He is clever. You're right. He's super smart.

He's a clever girl. He's a really smart prince. He's a prince who prepares. See, you know the song well enough. I've seen it a million times. You literally have a tattoo on your... I literally have an Into the Woods tattoo. Yep. Amazing. Okay. He spread pitch on the stairs. Cinderella danced and danced with the prince and was filled with so much joy, she didn't think about midnight. And all of a sudden she was in the middle of dancing with him. And she heard the clock began to strike. She was reminded of the pigeon's warning and was terrified, so she rushed to the door and flew down the

stairs. However, since they were covered with pitch, one of her golden slippers got caught and Cinderella didn't stop to take it out of fear. Instead, just as she reached the last step of the stairs, the clock struck twelve, and the carriage and horses disappeared, and Cinderella stood in her gray smock on the dark road. In the meantime, the prince had rushed after her, and he found the golden slipper on the steps. He pulled it from the pitch and carried it with him, but by the time he made it down the stairs, everything had disappeared.

Even the people who had stood guard came and said that they had seen nothing. Cinderella was glad that nothing worse had happened, and she went home. Once there, she turned on her dim oil lamp, hung it in the chimney, and laid herself down on the ashes. It didn't take long before the two sisters also returned and called out, Cinderella, get up and light the way. Cinderella yawned and pretended that she had been wakened from her sleep. As she showed them the way, she heard one of the sisters say, God knows who the Presumable Princess is. If she were only in her grave, the prince danced with just her alone, and after she

had gone, he didn't want to remain, and the entire ball came to an end. It was really as if all the lights had suddenly been blown out, the other said. Meanwhile, back at the palace, the prince was thinking, if everything else has gone wrong for you, now the slipper will help you find your bride. So he had a proclamation announced and declared that whichever Baden's foot fit the golden slipper was to become his wife. But the slipper was to become his wife. But the slipper was much too small for anyone who tried it on because she's so dainty and not like other girls. So tiny and has a small... See, this is part of the... She goes away and she trains. She packs on muscle and she just gets big. Huge. She just gets big and strong and loaded with muscle. A super-mask lesbian.

Yeah. Like that's hot as hell and wears suits and does the hair flip thing. Mm-hmm. We'll pour it on me. That sounds amazing. The golden slipper is too tiny because it's made for a very dainty little girl. Indeed, many couldn't even slip their foot into the slipper and couldn't have done so even if the single slipper were two.

That's, that's, I don't know, the whole like, small feet fetish thing is super weird. It's so weird. I don't get this part of the story. Remember how like feet binding used to be a thing. Like it's problematic, weird as hell. The prince has decided he is going to make every fair maiden in the land try on the fucking slipper. Yeah, he is. He's got a thing for feet. But the slipper is dainty and tiny and small because Cinderella is dainty and tiny and small.

As all women should be. Go on. Finally, it was the turn of the two sisters to take the test. They were glad because they had small, beautiful feet and believed that it couldn't go wrong for them and that the prince should have gone to them right away. If you were looking for a babe with tiny feet, you should have come here first. Man, luckily these days we just have, what's it called? Tinder?

Only fans. Only fans. Right. Oh my God, new fix for the story. Women can make money by selling drawings of their tiny feet. I love it. Listen, said the mother secretly. Here's a knife, and if the slipper is still too tight for you, then cut off a piece of your foot. It will hurt a bit.

But what does that matter? It will soon pass and one of you will be queen. Yeah, I guess. I guess. Here, just mutilate yourself. Just mutilate yourself. It's fine. It'll hurt a little if you cut off your foot or a piece of your foot, but like whatever.

Times is hard, Abby. Times is hard. So the eldest sister went into the chamber and tried on the slipper. Her toe slipped inside, but her heel was too large. So she took the knife and cut off a part of her heel until she could force her foot into the slipper. Would they part of her heel until she could force her foot into the slipper. Would they not notice her doing that too? Are they like, here, take this shoe in the back room and try it on?

That sounds exactly like what's happening. She can take the shoe into the back room. Because the scene where everybody's just trying it on and it doesn't fit and he's trying. Yeah, I'm thinking of the- That's the Charles Perot version, maybe. Yeah. Well, I'm actually, I was thinking specifically of Nathan Lane doing it. Nathan Lane, like, because he's in the brandy version of Cinderella, isn't he?

No, no, that's Jason Alexander. Is he not in Cinderella? Nathan Lane is not in the... You're right, you're right. He's in Mirror Mirror. Yeah, yes. Yeah, Nathan Lane's in Mirror Mirror. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Nathan Lane's in Mirror Mirror. It was just Snow White. I watched the brandy version of Cinderella today in preparation for this. So it's very fresh in my mind.

Good for you. Impossible. It's the only version of Cinderella that I accept. You know what? Perfect. Anyway. I'm going to stop interrupting you. No, no. Why not? I feel like Nathan Leigh would have been perfect for that role, I guess. He would have, but also Jason Alexander is still perfect for that role. Jason Alexander just nailed that role. He was so good. Oh, 100. Oh yeah. Love him. Love that.

Love him. Okay. Anyway, she cuts off a part of her heel and then she forces her foot into the slipper. Then she went out of the chamber to the prince. And when he saw that she had the slipper on her foot, he said that she was to be his bride. Because two women can't possibly have the same shoe size either.

No, and he doesn't know what her face looks like. And also, what is with all that blood? You know what? It's fine. Let's not worry about that. Let's not worry about it. Then he led her to his carriage and went to drive off. However, when he came to the gate, the pigeons were above and called out, Looky, look, look at the shoe she took. There's blood all over. The shoe's too small. She's not the bride you met at the ball.

The pigeons are fucking calling him out. The pigeons are like, if you'd use your eyeballs, you could tell that there's blood all over the shoe. Come on. They're like, if you'd use your eyeballs, you could tell that there's blood all over the shoe. Come on. They're like, my guy. My guy. The prince leaned over and saw that blood was indeed spilling out of his slippers. I'm glad that they brought this up.

I thought it was just not going to be brought up. No, no, no. They definitely bring it up. There's blood coming out of that shoe. And he realized that he had been deceived. It's like that part in Into the Woods when they do pull the shoe off the evil stepsisters. And the prince has a thing about blood.

So he's throwing up in the bushes on the side of the road. That's so funny. Anyway, so we brought the false bride back to the house. However, the mother said to her second daughter, take the slipper and if it's too short for you, cut off one of your toes. So the sister took the slipper into her chamber, and since her foot was too large, she bit her lips and cut off a large part of her toes. Then she quickly slipped her foot into the slipper and came out of her chamber.

Since the prince thought she was the right bride, he went to drive off with her. He was clever. He was clever. See, this, it wasn't his idea. The pitch absolutely was not his idea. Some servant had this idea. Some wingman. Yeah. So when he came to the gate, the pigeons called out again, looky, look, look at the shoe that she took. There's blood all over and the shoe's too small. She's not the bride. You met at the ball."

She's not the bride, you fucking goofball. The prince looked down and saw that the stocking of the bride was colored red and that her blood was also streaming out of the slipper. So the prince brought her to her mother and said, she too is not the right bride. Is there another daughter in your house? Hey, but maybe get her some help. Does she need a bandage or a therapist? No, said the mother, there's just a nasty Cinderella. She sits below in the ashes. I'm sure the slipper won't fit her. At least the stepmother finally has kind of a part where it's like. Like she's in it now.

Yeah. Telling her children to cut bits of themselves off. Yeah. Okay. We're seeing where the trauma is coming from. You understand a little bit more why her daughters are like that. Not that it's an excuse, but you know. The mother didn't want to have her summoned, but the prince demanded she do so. Therefore, Cinderella was alerted, and when she heard that the prince was there, she washed her face and hands quickly so that they were fresh and clean.

When she entered the room, she curtsied. The prince handed her the golden slipper and said, "'Try it on. If it fits you, you'll become my wife.'" Still doesn't recognize her though. Oh my God, it's you. Hey girl. Right, like you would think. Would you like to become my wife?

The classic fix for the story. So Cinderella took the heavy shoe from her left foot and put this foot into the golden slipper and after she pressed a bit, her foot fit as though the slipper had been made for her. And when she stood up again, the prince looked at her face and recognized the beautiful princess and cried, this is what I thought. He's just not looking at anyone's face. He is staring at their feet. It's the feet that are important to him. 100%. Girl, run.

Girl, run. I mean, I guess he's got money and you've got a shitty situation, but. I guess. Take his money and then run. There you go. The stepmother and the two hottie sisters were horrified and became pale, but the prince led Cinderella away. You just said hottie sisters. I heard like. You heard hottie.

H-O-T-T-I-E. That is how I heard it. And then I realized you meant like hottie. I meant H-A-U. Hottie. The two hottie sisters. Okay, sorry. Hotties. He helped her into the carriage and as they drove off through the gate, the pigeons called

out, looky, look, look, there's no blood at all. The golden shoe is a perfect fit. She's truly the bride. You met at the ball. The end. Oh, wow. Okay. Love the pigeons.

Me too. Look, there's no blood. That's proof. That's proof. It's not like her face or whatever. Me too. Look, there's no blood. That's proof. That's proof. It's not like her face or whatever.

It's not the fact that like a million women could have the same shoe size. Nope. Man, that- She has the daintiest feet of all the women in the land. In the land and they're golden slippers, not glass. So is it glass in the Charles Perot version then? Yeah, Charles Perot has everything the Disney movie has. It had the pumpkin turned into a carriage,

the mice become the footmen. What about Lucifer the cat? No, that was unfortunately an embellishment. Lucifer the cat is one of my favorite Disney cats. Lucifer is such a good name for a cat. I want to name a cat Lucifer someday. It's a genius idea. Oh man.

That was great. I got one point because there was an important tree. There was an important tree, you did remember that. Yeah, I honestly thought that was from a different adaptation. I thought that was from Cinderella's Dead. I'm pretty sure there's a tree in that one, right? There is, yeah.

But that story is more based off of the German version. Mm-hmm, yeah. Of the story. Very fun book if you haven't read it. It's great. Yeah, it's very charming. Well, good job. Good job. Sorry I interrupted you one million times.

That's the whole idea behind our podcast, so you are forgiven. I also just, I do think you're, we kind of talked about this, but like Cinderella is really boring. It's a really boring story. It's kind of talked about this, but Cinderella is really boring. It's a really boring story. It's kind of a boring story. I mean, we've heard it, we've seen it. And honestly, even though I do have a fix, it's like I wouldn't watch it. It's just been done.

It's been done. Cinderella is dead, literally. Cinderella is dead. Let's let it die. Let's let Cinderella be dead. Because I'm over it. Yeah. Let's adapt any other movie. I feel like it's a weird bummer note to do our 100th episode on it in retrospect of like, oh yeah, I'm actually not a huge fan of Cinderella.

You know, it's fine. I think it's a classic. It is really cool that it's been told for forever. Right. I mean, that was the fun part is doing the research and this story is so old. And there are so many different cultures that have a version of it. It's interesting to think that, like, kind of mean girls have existed for so long, or women, or that women have been pitted against each other for so long. That part moreover, I think,

that the patriarchy of various cultures has pitted women against each other for thousands of years. They're so long. And also men haven't been looking at women's faces or listening to what they say. And there have been a lot of absentee fathers who just sort of be like, oh, whatever. He never died in that story. He didn't, but he exits the story completely in the second paragraph. It's like he married this woman and he's never spoken of again.

So it's also these stories pit women against each other and then let men off the hook. Yep, 100%. He's never mentioned again as if he is not complicit in his daughter's suffering. Yeah. The prince is just let off by not knowing who it is until the pigeons confirm it for him. Exactly. He still probably isn't sure until the pigeons tell him as he's coming through the gate. It's very interesting in a lot of different ways. We've also heard it so many times. If anybody wants to hear our more complete thoughts on Ever After specifically, we have the episode we did with But Make It Scary. That's episode 37 of that

podcast. It's a great episode. So fun. It was really fun making that movie scary. Yeah. We made that movie scary. We also like, I really enjoyed Sequoia's version of Making It Scary. Yeah. But Make It Scary also has an amazing backlog of episodes to listen to. So what is your favorite adaptation? Well, I feel like I know that. Hold on. What's your favorite besides Brandy version?

It's probably Ever After. I mean, I rag on it, but it's definitely my favorite of the Cinderella adaptations for sure. Yeah. I don't know how you can really beat Brandy's version. It was so good. The music was so good. It hit the story on the head with,

while being funny and lighthearted and cute. Yeah, and I like the songs in the musical. I have not been able to get 10 minutes ago out of my head. It's just so lighthearted and fun. I love Whoopi Goldberg in it. And I love everybody in it. Everybody's flawless. It's great.

That's easily my favorite one. Same for you. Definitely. Definitely. Yeah. I guess I do, I don't know. I like the Disney version just because I like the mice. I think they're cute.

Yeah, the mice are cute. The animated ones specifically. I think the live action Cinderella remake was boring. I told you as you were like, I'm going to watch it. I was like, yeah, I'm not. I'm not going to rewatch it because I don't remember anything about it. I just remember being really bored. The only thing I remember is like, be kind.

Be kind. Be kind. That's like... Have courage and be kind is the refrain over and over and over and over again. Oh, okay. Which kind of brings me... This kind of gets me into my hot take. Oh, yeah. I do agree that each adaptations need to insert a little bit of Cinderella and the Prince getting to know each other a little bit of Cinderella and the prince getting to know each other a little bit to sell the story, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to know what they said. I don't want to know how they found out they actually relate to each other. I don't want to because it's never done well. Oh, unless it's the brandy version.

Possibly with the exception, well, the brandy version doesn't really. They have one song in the beginning where they talk about how they both feel trapped in their lives for various reasons, which makes me roll my eyes because it's the one flaw in it is one of you is royalty and one of you is a servant in her own house.

We have so much in common. One of you is actually trapped. That's funny. And one of you is going to be king someday. I guess that could be a trap if you don't want to be king. But the level of trap is so different. That's true. Like, sure.

I'm not saying that rich people don't have any problems, but the comparative problem is so crazy different, you know? Yeah, that's very true. So it's the one flaw in the play is like they're just like, yeah, and you feel trapped and you just want to run away and never come back. That's the thing that they bond over. It's like, I get why she wants to run away and never come back. Isn't that also Aladdin a little bit?

Yes. Do you still feel the same way? 100%. Okay, but also Jasmine's trapped in a sense that- Jasmine's a woman, which I have slightly more sympathy for that because it's not like she's going to be Sultan someday. She's trapped and her father owns her until he decides who to sell her to. Yeah. Like, hell yeah. I love this. I love this. Keep going. Sorry. So, okay. So, this is why- I want you to have a megaphone right now. Bingo Woman sucks. It's so

hard. And it used to be harder. Anyway, so it's also why in all of these Cinderella adaptations, it's another reason why this story does not work translated for a modern audience. Cinderella stays because financially she has no other option. The story only makes sense within a pre-Renaissance context, really. Cause it's the only time, I just, ugh, ugh, ugh. So like, I just hate everything about that part of it. And so then when they actually try to have the prince

and Cinderella get to know each other, I just don't really, they almost always go for the, they share a similar feeling of being trapped angle. And I hate it every time they did it in the live action. They did it in the live action Disney remake. You know where they didn't do it? Where? I think in the 2021 version that we just watched together. Do you remember why he liked her in that one? We watched, so.

You are right, but I hated that adaptation for different reasons. Me too. Do you want to talk about it? Yeah, let's talk. Let's talk. Let me just say real quick though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Finish. The reason why the animated... I love the brandy version. I think it's so good. I think that one of the reasons why the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical works and one of the reasons why the original animated Disney sanderilla is the goat is because they show a getting to know each other

scene, but they cover it over with a song. That's very true. You're like, what are they talking about? About how attracted they are to each other. Yeah, that's true. Like, so this is love is a goaded song. It was actually one of the things that I was so mad in the live action adaptation that they didn't do, so This is Love?

Yeah. Oh, it's such a good song. It's so beautiful. Anyway, what would a Renaissance, now I'm on a different thing, now I'm just curious, what would a Renaissance green flag question or green flag date look like? What was he? Obviously, because I think I've told you before, I'm on like bad first date TikTok for some reason. I love it. And it's very fun for me.

I love hearing about bad dates. And it's usually, it's usually no man ever asks any questions whatsoever. So what kind of questions was he like? So what? Well, so this is another reason why Ever After is such a good, it's like it's such a good Cinderella adaptation. It is the exception to the getting to know each other rule

partially because the movie itself calls out the fact that their circumstances are so different. Because the prince starts off in like a, yeah, I feel so trapped by my life, kind of like the direction that every other adaptation takes the prince. And Drew Barrymore is all like, fuck you. He calls him out on it. Fuck you. You're rich, handsome, and powerful. You think I'm handsome, you say. You think I'm handsome, you say.

I loved that, and they bond over books that they've read. Oh, yeah. It's been a while since I've watched it, literally since before that episode we did. Don't make it scary. So that's good, bonding over mutual interests, as opposed to sort of like a mutual background, I think makes more sense to me. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, because that way they get to know each other

and it's like, oh. Right, like they're actually getting to know each other instead of like, I'm gonna whine about being a prince to you. You're a woman who likes, who can read for one. Can read. Someone bothered to teach her. Oh, she's a witch. She's a witch.

And then he has a burn instead. You're poor, but you could afford these shoes. She's a witch. And then he has a burn instead. You're poor, but you could afford these shoes? She's a witch. She's a witch. Oh my gosh. That would be a hilarious adaptation where he just kills her because he finds out she's poor and he feels bamboozled. See, that would be the truth. That would be the truth.

That would be realistic. Like I said, even if they did my fix where they have Cinderella, she runs off and has like a training montage with Robin Hood and they heist the king, I don't think I might watch it just because I said that specifically. I would watch it if it was part of a fairy tale mashup of some kind and the Cinderella thread was just one part. Yeah. You know, it's a beautiful real life Cinderella that they can make a movie out of. What? Isn't Lana Del Rey, didn't she marry like an alligator tour guide in from Florida that she met? See, I thought you were going to go in a Grace Kelly direction, but sure, let's... I think Lana Del Rey married a guy that does an alligator tour.

I think you're right. And I love that. I'm Googling it. Cinderfella, which is another adaptation from the 40s, I think. I didn't watch it though. Oh my God, yeah. Jeremy Dufresne, a Louisiana-born alligator hunter and tour guide. Alligator hunter.

I love it. I love that. I would watch that adaptation. See, if we didn't- That modern-day adaptation. Yes. I want to know how that love story unfolded. Is Pretty Woman, is that like a Cinderella kind of?

No. Okay. I don't think so. I would classify that under more like the princess and the stable boy trope. Okay. Sure. Something? I just know that a lot of these older German fairy tales are based off of aspirational. You're poor and now you're not. It was easy.

Right. Yeah. It was easy and now you're the richest person in the whole country. I get that like the stories themselves are subversive in the sense that they're about breaking class barriers or ascending. Yes, ascending. It's 100% ascending. Yeah. I get why the story exists. I get where the story comes from. It does not work in a modern setting. Yeah. That's a good point. Yeah.

Well, and I do think there's something to be said for the 2021 Cinderella with Camille Cabello. Do we want to talk about it then? I definitely want to talk about it because we watched it together and I actually had a great time but the more I think about it, the more angry I get. Have you felt the same? Absolutely. So we watched it together. It was a grand old time. And I think we liked it a lot more because we were watching it together and interrupting

each other and talking about it the whole time. Which happens with us. Multiple movies, this is how it's happened. We were like, this is great, actually. I don't know why we've not. It's hard to hate a movie when the company is so good. Right? We're having fun no matter what.

Exactly. In fact, the worse the movie, the better it is for us because we get to talk over it. The more fun we're having, for sure. But yeah, hated the fact that they specifically had a gay man as the fairy. No, wasn't he? What did he say? He was the fairy godmother. I don't think he said fairy though.

I think he said fairy godmother. I don't think he said fairy though. I think he said fabulous godmother. Something like that, yeah. Specifically. And I, no, I didn't hate that part. Hold on, hold on. Just wait. I hated the fact that they used that. Yeah, let me cook. I hated the fact that they used that as a specific like I hated the fact that they used that as a specific reason to get us to watch it. Then there were zero gay characters at all besides the, as Abby put it, the non-threatening ones. The fabulous godmother and the mice were the only characters that had any sort of queer commentary.

Right, but they used Billy Porter's presence in the movie as such a marketing gimmick. Yeah, who was on screen for like two minutes. Two minutes. Yeah. So, and I just, and there were so many good opportunities. I don't know if anyone has seen that movie. So spoiler alert ahead, but there's like the prince has a sister. Don't, you don't have to bother watching it, although it was kind of fun. It was fun. It was really upbeat.

Everybody was really hot. I enjoyed watching it with you. I don't know that I would have had the same experience otherwise. Get a good friend that you like and watch it and make fun of it the whole time. There you go. That's good advice for any movie. I think so. But they really, like the prince has a sister

who's obviously better suited to run the country or kingdom, whatever. And they just had so many opportunities to make it gay. So many. So many. It didn't even have to be Cinderella. It could have just been that the princess, the princess sister had like a gay lover and she got to like, I don't know, it just. There were opportunities to actually involve queer characters in like, yeah. In a way that wasn't a plot device or a marketing gimmick.

Which really bums me out. And it was cute because Cinderella in this one is like a business person. She is, she's like, she's the one creating these dresses and she's trying to like become a girl boss and sell her dresses, which is fun. That's such a good idea. Like, why not? That was a, I thought it was a fun twist on like,

cause like the entire like problem of the story is Cinderella is trying to find a way out of her like present economic circumstances. And so having it be more focused on wanting to make her own money was interesting. That was an interesting direction to take it. And her stepmother is actually trying to push her to get married. Yeah. Because that's true. Yeah, her mother is actually supportive. I think when she finds out the prince is interested, she's like, you have to get married. Yeah. Because that's- Yeah, her mother is actually supportive. I think when she finds out the prince is interested, she's like, you have to do this.

Well, I wouldn't call it supportive. You're right. Not supportive, but- It was not supportive. It was more, oh, the prince wants you, that's great. You have to marry him so that he can make good matches for your step-sisters. Which, by the way, the stepmother in this movie was... Idina Menzel. Idina Menzel. Amazing. Yeah. She was great. She was the best thing in it.

She really was. I mean, besides Billy Porter, but he was only in it for- He was in it for two minutes. He was barely there. Oh, it was pretty sad. Oh, Pierce Brosnan's also in it. Pierce Brosnan was in it. Mini Driver. Underutilized. Who did not get a song. Didn't get a song, which is a crime. Oh, yeah. The whole thing's like a musical. Yeah. But it's a jukebox musical, which also pisses me off. Yeah.

I thought it was fun. I was like, I only recognize half the songs though. Yeah, that's fair. I mean, for a cheap straight to TV movie, I think maybe it was like an Amazon Prime movie at the time. I can't remember. It's still only an Amazon Prime movie. Okay. Like, yeah.

But yeah, the costumes were great. I'll stop being such a bitch about it. You enjoyed it while we were watching it. I did. I just, the more I think about it, the more I'm like, ugh. Yeah, it really really upset me that they used the queer characters as a marketing gimmick.

I hate that. But the costumes were really colorful. But that was also, I thought, a problem because the whole idea was that Cinderella was trying on all these dresses. And I just didn't understand when she showed up to the ball, she wasn't standing out at all. Yeah.

But that's not why the prince fell in love with her. The prince falls in love with her because she's sassy and was like breaking the rules and pissing off his dad. You got to love somebody who your parents don't love. That's always a turn on, right? That's always a turn on. They piss off your parents. Yeah. He needed a little rebel to inspire him. a turn on, right? That's always a turn on. They piss off your parents.

He needed a little rebel to inspire him. I do like that at the end, he comes to help her with her shit and his sister becomes the crown princess, spoiler alert. Yeah. like his sister becomes the crown princess, spoiler alert. But it was fun. I'm being unnecessarily hard on it. There are just definitely elements of it that like... Yeah, for sure. I'm totally with you. But I did have a lot of fun watching it with you. It was fun watching it with you. I really enjoyed watching it with you. I feel like I very much have rose-colored glasses for stuff that I experience with my friends. Absolutely.

Super, super same. I had a great time. That was the best movie ever. Definitely not ever. But yeah. I think it got a lot of unnecessary hate. I think people dunked on it so hard and it didn't deserve it. Yeah.

I definitely wasn't expecting it to be terrible and it wasn't actually kind of fun. Yeah. It was fun. The costumes were fun. The music was fun. It was very upbeat. It was pretty short. Yeah.

Or maybe it was a little longer than I think it needed to be, but. I thought it was long. I think there were things that they could have cut. I liked the King and the Queen's little side story. The Queen tells the King off. I don't know. If you love Cinderella, I would recommend it. If that's like one of your favorite stories, I would definitely be like, check it out, it's cute.

But it's no, Cinderella meets up with Robin Hood in the woods and I have a sweet vengeance montage where she's training and then they have a heist. Yeah, I think Cinderella is actually undercover at the ball because she's helping pull off a caper. Exactly. The fix is the fix for the story. I love it. It would be so good. What's your fix for Cinderella? Nope, that's it. That's the one. Okay, yeah. I have totally switched over. I guess when I was originally reading through the story,

my fix for it was more... It was more like the prince's cleverness kind of continues to carry over. Honestly, all I want from Cinderella is for the prince to just actually know her face, I guess. Yeah. He can go door to door looking for her or whatever, but truly, my ultimate fix for Cinderella is that as soon as he sees her face, he's like, oh, it's you.

Hey, girl. Hey, girl. Hey, girl. That's another reason why I like the Rodgers and Hammerstein brandy musical so much is because Paolo Montalbond comes out of the kitchen to see her in the courtyard and she turns around and he's all like, it's you. You can still do the ceremonial putting the slipper on or whatever. Yeah. I think Ever After does that too, right? Ever After does that too. Is there even a slipper?

There is. Oh my God, it's been so long. She leaves her shoe behind on the steps of the palace. The steps of the palace. All right. Are you ready? Did you remember that I'm going to be reading? I do remember. Do you have any final thoughts about Cinderella or its adaptations? No. I guess my final thoughts are like, please stop. Please read any other fairy tales.

There are so many. It's been done. I've had my partner ask, Adams asked me several times, do you think you ever run out of fairy tales? No. No. I don't. But I do have a different version of Cinderella.

I am scared. By our former friend James. Our former friend James. James, James Ben Gardner is on thin ice. He's got to win our love back. And we're going to find out now if he does. Do you want to give me three predictions? And this one's kind of long too. This is going to be a long episode, I think. Well, it's already at two hours. Let's try. Let's see. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. It's seven pages. It's medium. We did promise the people.

We did promise. We can always cut that out. I could read it fast though. Okay. Give me three predictions for what you think the politically correct bedtime stories version will have. Who, I mean, no one could have predicted the last one. I think I might remember the end too well, so I'm trying to think. Okay. Do you want to just skip predictions? Yeah, let's just skip predictions on this one. Okay. Unless you want to make some. Nah, let's just do it. Okay. Let's just get her done.

Let's just get her done. Let's just get her done. Okay. Cinderella. There once lived a young woman, spelled W-O-M-M-O-N, named Cinderella, whose natural birth mother had died when Cinderella was but a child. A few years after, her father married a widow with two older daughters. Cinderella's mother of Step treated her very cruelly and her sisters of Step made her work very hard as if she were their own personal unpaid laborer. One day, an invitation arrived

at their house. The prince was celebrating his exploitation of the dispossessed and marginalized peasantry by throwing a fancy dress ball. Cinderella sisters of step were very excited to be invited to the palace and they began to plan the expensive clothes they would use to alter and enslave their natural body images to emulate the unrealistic standard of feminine beauty. Correct. Correct. It was especially unrealistic in their case as they were differently visaged enough to

stop a clock. Because they're ugly in this story. Physically, yes. Differently visaged. It's so funny. Her mother of step also planned to go to the ball, so Cinderella was working harder than a dog. An appropriate, if unfortunately speciesist metaphor. When the day of the ball arrived, Cinderella helped her mother and sisters of step into

their ball gowns. A formidable task, it was like trying to force 10 pounds of processed non-human animal carcasses into a five-pound skin like a sausage. I don't know why he couldn't just say that. I guess that sausage isn't politically correct. It's less of an evocative image. It's still fat-shaming.

It's still fat-shaming. Yeah. James, Jim. Jim, Jimmy, Jimbo. Jimbo. Jimbo. Jimbo. Next came immense cosmetic augmentation, which it would be best not to describe at all.

As evening fell, her mother and sisters of step left Cinderella at home to finish her housework. Cinderella was sad, but she contended herself with her Holly Near records." It's that. I don't know what that means. Who's Holly Neer? Holly Neer is a music and activist. Oh, she's from Ukiah. I don't know. Move on. Yep. Suddenly there was a flash of, let's like, I feel like this era maybe it would be like Stevie Nicks or... She was probably like a feminist folk singer. I'm going to go check her out right after this. Yeah.

Suddenly there was a flash of light and in front of Cinderella stood a man dressed in loose fitting all cotton clothes and wearing a wide brimmed hat. At first, Cinderella thought he was a southern lawyer or a bandleader, but he soon put her straight. Hello, Cinderella, I am your fairy god person. I love this. A non-binary fairy god person. We love fairy god person.

Or individual deity proxy proxy if you prefer. If you want to go to the ball and bind yourself into the male concept of beauty, squeeze into some tight-fitting dress that will cut off your circulation, jam your feet into high-heeled shoes that will ruin your bone structure, paint your face with chemicals and makeup that have been tested on non-human animals. Oh yes, definitely. She said in an instant. Her fairy god person heaved a great sigh. I love this actually. And decided to put off her political education till another day. I love it. Me too.

With his magic, see, this is a really good point where they could put, he could put there, like, cause they're non-binary. Right, right. If you, if he continued, if, if Mr. Garner continued to update it. Uh huh, yeah. I got a fixed for the fix.

With his magic, he enveloped her in a beautiful bright light and whisked her away to the palace. Many, many carriages were lined up outside the palace that night. Apparently, no one had ever thought of carpooling. Soon, in a heavy, gilded carriage painfully pulled by a team of horse slaves, Cinderella arrived. Soon, in a heavy, gilded carriage painfully pulled by a team of horse slaves, Cinderella

arrived. She was dressed in a clinging gown woven of silk, stolen from unsuspecting silkworms. Her hair was festooned with pearls plundered from the hardworking, defenseless oysters. And on her feet, dangerous though it may seem, she wore slippers, made a finely cut crystal. Every head in the ballroom turned as Cinderella entered. The men stared and lusted after this woman, W-O-M-M-O-N, who had captured perfectly their Barbie doll ideas of feminine desirability.

The women, W-O-M-Y-N, Of course. trained at an early age to despise their own bodies, which is true. That's fair. Looked at Cinderella with envy and spite. Cinderella's own mother and sisters of step, consumed with jealousy, failed to recognize her. Cinderella soon caught the roving eye of the prince, who was busy discussing, jousting, and bear-baiting

with his cronies. Upon seeing her, the prince was struck with a fit of not being able to speak, as well as the majority of the population. Here, he thought, is the woman that I could make my princess an impregnate with the progeny of our perfect genes, and thus make myself the envy of every other prince for miles around. And she's blonde too. Ooh. I mean, this is something that like crops up

in pretty much every Cinderella adaptation, including the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical. It's all so like, well, you've got to find a bride so that you can make babies with her. Yep so, you know James isn't wrong. I'm not wrong The prince began to cross the ballroom toward his intended prey his cronies also began to walk towards Cinderella So did every other male in the ballroom who was younger than 70 and not serving drinks. Cinderilla was proud of the commotion she was causing. She walked with head high and carried herself like the woman of eminent social standing.

But it soon became clear that the commotion was turning into something ugly, or at least socially dysfunctional. The prince had made it clear to his friends that he was intent on possessing the young woman. But the prince's resolute-ness angered his pals, for they too lusted after her and wanted to own her. The men began to shout and push each other. The prince's best friend, who was largely, if cerebrally constrained, Duke,

stopped him halfway across the dance floor and insisted that he was going to have Cinderella. The prince's response was a swift kick to the groin, which he left the Duke temporarily inactive. But the prince was quickly seized by other sex-crazed males and he disappeared into a pile of human animals. Okay, this is going pretty fast. This is actually clipping along. The women were appalled by his vicious display of testosterone, but try as they might, they

were unable to separate the combatants. To the other women, it seemed that Cinderella was the cause of all the trouble, so they encircled her and began to display very unsisterly hostility. Oh no. Unsisterly hostility. Poor Cinderella. She tried to escape, but her impractical glass slippers made it nearly impossible. Fortunately for her, none of the other women were shod any better. Oh, because they're all wearing super constricting heels. Yep.

The noise grew so loud that no one had heard the clock in the tower chime midnight. When the bell rang the 12th time, Cinderella's beautiful gown and slippers disappeared, and she was dressed once again in her peasants' rags. Her mother and sisters of Steppe recognized her now, but kept quiet to avoid embarrassment. The women grew silent at this magical transformation. Freed from the confinements of her gown and slippers, Cinderella sighed and stretched and scratched her ribs.

She smiled, closed her eyes and said, kill me now if you want sisters, but at least I'll die at comfort. Okay, I like where this is going. Me too. The women around her grew envious, but this time they took a different approach. Instead of exacting vengeance on her,

they stripped off their bodices, corsets, shoes, and every other confining garment. They danced and jumped and screeched in sheer joy, comfortable at last in their shifts and bare feet. Had the men looked up from their macho dance of destruction. I love macho dance of destruction. They would have seen many desirable women dressed as if for the boudoir, but they never

ceased pounding, punching, kicking, and clawing each other until, to the last man, they were dead. The women, oh my God, I love this so much better. This is healing. This is a good fix for the story. I'm enjoying this. Jimbo, maybe you're back in. We've got one more part.

All right, Jim. We're back. The women, a reminder, W-O-M-Y-N. Of course. Clucked their tongues but felt no remorse. The palace and realm were theirs now. Their first official act was to dress the men in their discarded dresses and tell the media that the fight arose when someone threatened to expose

cross-dressing tendencies of the prince. Ooh. Oh, okay. Well. We got so close. Oh, minus minus 50 points. Oh, minus, minus 50 points. And then it became transphobic. Their second was to set up a clothing co-op that produced only comfortable, practical clothes for women.

Then they hung up a sign on the castle advertising cinderware, for that was what the new clothing was called. And though self-determination and clever marketing, they all, even their mother and sisters of step lived happily ever after. The end. So I loved it except for obviously like transphobic. The transphobia, just general queer phobia, I guess, at the end, didn't love that. So minus, not minus 50 points.

The rest of the fix, the rest of the fix was pretty good though. Yeah. Never cease pounding, punching, kicking and clanging at each other until to the last man they were dead. I really enjoyed that part. Me too. All these gorgeous women are just taking off their clothes because they're so uncomfortable and they're all super hot.

They're all in their 90s. If we ignore some of the fat shaming at the beginning. I don't even know if it was fat shaming. I think it was a commentary on the fact that they feel like they have to do it. Oh, and you know what? It could be a commentary on the fact that you that maybe they're like, because I definitely feel this way. Like I feel compelled to try to squeeze myself into clothes that are too small for me. Yeah.

It felt, it didn't feel like he was doing it. It felt more like it was commentary on the fact that that exists. Yeah, like you course it yourself up. Mm-hmm. You know. You try to make yourself look small. You try to make yourself smaller than you are. Yeah.

Yeah. And wear uncomfortable clothes just to like. Oh, I like that. That's good. At least that's how I read it because it's politically correct. I think you're right. But clearly, Mr. Garner, you need to update your politically correct versions. Because this was also not politically correct.

I think this was just so 90s. It's just due for an update. Yeah. He needs to make a new one. Mm-hmm. I demand more politically correct fairy tales. For the 2024 time. You know, he's got some good ideas for how to make these things better. I like his fixes. He's very funny.

He's very funny. He's very funny. He's very funny. Yeah, and he obviously hates Trump. I'm looking at his Instagram right now. That's good. I was a little like... Worried that it was all like a satire or whatever. It is satire objectively, but like I was just... You just always wonder like where is the satire objectively, but I was just, you just always wonder where is the satire coming from? If he's on his Instagram complaining about DEI and people are woke now, then that's not the kind of satire that I'm... But it doesn't seem that way. It's more like he's

a liberal critiquing liberals. Yeah. We're satirizing liberals. Those stories are a product of the time. They are. Because from my quick little Instagram search, he does look pretty cool actually. He's probably a fucking riot. Probably. So anyway. If I ever grabbed a beer with him, I would absolutely rib him so hard over his snow white

thing. I'm just kind of like, bro, that was not PC. The fuck? That was so fucked up. It really was. That's just like how far we've come though, or how horrible it was not even that long ago and how horrible it kind of is still is. That was funny back then.

Those were like... Yeah, exactly. That that was funny back then. Those were like. Yeah, like that was, yeah, exactly. Like that was like a funny joke. Like the whole, I mean, look at our sitcoms from back then, like friends. And anyway, overall, I would give that story. And for that one, maybe an eight out of 10. Eight out of 10.

Absolutely. Love the fix. I just wish it hadn't of 10. Eight out of 10. Absolutely. Love the fix. I just wish it hadn't involved like. Cross-dressing. And cross-dressing is bad. Yeah, like you have a non-binary fairy god person. Right. Like what?

What? What? Exactly. Where are you going with that? I mean, I guess that would embarrass men back then. But it shouldn't. But it shouldn't. It should not be embarrassing. Dress however you want. And actually, I don't know, I love people who dress how they want.

Speaking of Billy Porter, wear skirts. Men in skirts look amazing. Yep. Yeah. Skirts, men in skirts look amazing. Yep. So. Yeah. That was fun. I feel like, I don't know if that really made up for Snow White, but.

I don't think anything will ever, I'm still a smart. Nothing will ever make up. Nothing will ever scrub my brain. What we'll make up for it is a new Snow White. Do it again. Take a second run at it. That's what I'd like to see. a new Snow White. Do it again. Take a second run at it. That's what I'd like to see.

I'm trying to think if I have any other Cinderella related thoughts, but I think that's it. We'll probably revisit Cinderella again just because there are just so many Cinderella stories. Yeah. There's that Scottish version I was telling you about. I'll just tell you real quick, it wasn't really that different except for the fact that Cinderella wanted to go to the prince of the ball or whatever. She had to trick her step-sister.

It was one of those fairy tale tropes where instead of cutting the wood, she cuts off her step sister's head. Oh, fascinating. Okay, that's- Which was great. I love that. It was very dark, but I feel like everything else was pretty similar and a little basic, but she gets to go to the ball because she cuts off her step sister's head.

Yikes. Yeah, it was dark. It was great. I really enjoyed it. But she gets to go to the ball because she cuts off her stepsister's head. Yikes. Yeah, it was dark. It was great. I really enjoyed it. That's an intense way to go. You clean your stepsister's blood off you and then go to the ball. You can go, you can do anything you want

if the people who are bringing you down are dead. Right. Just kill them all. Another fix. Just kill them all. Honestly, yeah, just kill them all. That's the fix. Cinderella goes in a murder spree is the real fairy tale fix of this. I'm surprised there's not that version already. She just gets an inheritance. She fixes her

problems by inheriting all their money by murdering them all. There it is. There's no possible person that can inherit this anymore. Or weekend at Bernie's, her stepmom. There's no possible person that can inherit this anymore. Or it has to come to me. Weekend at Bernie's, her stepmom. Well, she'd have to weekend at Bernie's, her father. Yeah, in the German version for sure. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Maybe he's already dead because he disappears real fast.

Just disappears. Well, then like every single Cinderella adaptation has to explicitly kill off the father. Uh-huh. Yeah, because what father is going to... You can't have a bad father. It's always a bad mother. It's always going to be a bad mother. You can't have two bad parents.

No. And it can't be the man. The man can't be the problem. The man can't be the problem. Wow. I feel like that sums up. I feel like that's the thesis statement of Cinderella. The man can't be the problem. Well, that is going to do it for us for 100 episodes. Woo! Freaking cheers! Freaking cheers! Whether this is your first or 100th episode that you're listening to or if you've listened to all of our bonus episodes, thank you so much

for listening to Fairy Tale Fix. If this is your first one, you picked a doozy. We hope you liked it. And if not, good-bye. Good-bye. Abby and I have been doing this podcast now for just a little over four years. And we're a very small, independent podcast, and we just have so much fun doing it. We do. Thank you for joining us.

If you enjoy the show, please subscribe. Leave us a review on Apple or you can leave us a five star rating on Spotify or you can leave comments on Spotify or you can follow us on Instagram. Show us a little love, let us know. If you want to support the show and get extra episodes and also donate for the month of December and January, you can also get merch

and other cool content at our Patreon by signing up at patreon.com forward slash fairy tale fix pod. You can also find us on Instagram and sometimes TikTok at fairytalefixpod. And please email us your favorite fairy tales, folklore, nursery rhymes, or episodes. What I really want to hear is what fairy tales have we not covered that you want to hear? That's what we want to know. Yeah. So send us a message or email us at info at fairytalefixpod.com. Gosh, what is my favorite fix for Cinderella? That people would stop. Gosh, I mean, honestly, yeah decided that Cinderella had been done enough and they focused their fairy tale retelling efforts on lesser known stories.

And we all lived happily ever after. At the end. At the end.