Fairy Tale Fix - 101: Comment Neptune

Episode Date: February 11, 2025

Can we offer you some WTF Fairy Tales in these trying and completely precedented times? Abbie and Kelsey are in an altered state of multiple kinds after the winter break, as is the title character of the Punjabi fairy tale The Ruby Prince! The title character of China’s A Dragon’s Favor is chill as hell though - maybe too chill.

Action. We're fucking back, baby. We're back, baby. Hello. It's so good to see you. I love your beautiful face. Did you miss us? Oh my God. I missed you. Specifically, you, Abby. I missed you so much. I missed you so much. We took too much of a break. We broke too hard. I like when you were like, yeah, let's take a break and let's just hang out, you and me like on a not recording thing. That would actually happen because we were the… This is why we do this podcast.

This is why we started a podcast. I am reminding everyone right now, this is why we have a podcast. For one, it's fun, but also because I love you so much and we are bad at being friends. We're so bad at being friends. If I don't schedule it, if there's not something at stake, I won't get to see you. We will, we would, but it wouldn't be nearly as often. We need structure. We need structure.

We need something telling us what to do. We need a schedule. A schedule. And here we are. Oh my God. I can't believe I've already forgotten to ask you. We're already recording. We've been talking for like two hours.

Because we just wanted to hang out. I still forgot to ask you. Did you see Nosferatu? No, no, no. I'm seeing it on Wednesday. Okay. We'll get back to that. I was sick again. Oh, no. I was sick again. God damn it. I don't know why my body hates me. You're getting sick. I'm not doing it on purpose. I'm not talking to you.

Abby's body. I'm talking to you. Quit it. Knock it off. Hey, everyone. This is Fairy Tale Fix. Yes. Welcome back to our What the Fuck Fairy Tale podcast that we have— If it seems high energy, that's because we had a little bit to drink before. We did. And we're having a little bit to drink now. Yeah, I think we should get it started, don't you? Let's get this party started. What are you drinking first of all? Okay, well, I have red wine.

Smart. A. And then B, as my shot, because each of us have a shot, we've also already taken one. So be prepared for this episode to be loose. It's going to be real loose. Real loose. I have some apple cinnamon whiskey that was distilled locally in Maryland. Sounds delicious and also sounds- It is delicious. Very hipstery.

It is very hipstery. It is very hipstery. I'm so into it. God damn it. I wish that's what I was drinking right now. I'm a fancy bitch. You are so fancy. Local. Mine's aqua beet and it's not local,

but it's also not technically- And you called me a hipster. You said I was a hipster. You said I was a hipster. Okay, but it's not- Oh, I see your apple cinnamon whiskey and I raised you a berry and I raised you some aquavit. Okay, but it's not actually from Scandinavia. I think it's made in Oregon or something. I should probably look it up, but it was the only aquavit I could find, okay? It's very important at the holiday. Wow, I can't believe you didn't get the imported.

I've never had Danish aquavit. It's always been Norwegian. I feel like close enough, right? I don't know. Do we have any Danish listeners that are going to yell at me? Please do because I've never heard from you. Please do. Close enough for government work, as they say. It was what I could afford and what I could find, and actually really what I could find

because I was ready to pay a lot of money for aquaweed in this town. So, Skål. Skål. Okay. So good. Oh my God. As we were talking about, this is actually probably a pretty good update for Fairy Tale Fix. Wait, should we say our names?

Oh, yeah. We didn't say our names. Who are you? Who even are you? You haven't seen me since last year, but I'm Abby. And you're the most beautiful, perfect human I've ever seen, ethereal being I've ever seen in my whole life. I love you too.

I think you're the most beautiful fairy ice queen that I've ever seen in my entire life. I'm Kelsey. Moon goddess. Oh, yeah. I got my little moon thing on today. Absolutely. But also you just have a very moon energy. Thank you. I love that. I feel like you've got a very, I'm going to say Neptune. Ooh, that's interesting. Why Neptune? You've got a very Neptune-y because Neptune is so mysterious and dark, but also icy blue and pretty. Fuck yeah. Oh my gosh, you actually had reasons. pretty and like… Fuck yeah. Oh my gosh, you actually had reasons. Yeah.

I wasn't expecting it. I was just like Neptune. Ooh, left field. I know. Well, out of all the planets that I know, which probably aren't even as many planets are… You heard about Pluto. It's messed up, right? I did hear about Pluto. Neptune. I give you a Neptune. Ooh, and you got the I. I love Neptune. Neptune's a beautiful planet. I'm happy to be Neptune. Also, Neptune is the god of the seas. Any? Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to go with Neptune. I also really like Saturn. Saturn's a gorgeous planet, 100%. Saturn has the rings. Saturn does have the rings. Saturn is huge. It doesn't have that big blue pulsing. I think doesn't Neptune also technically have rings? They're just smaller.

That's Uranus. Uranus is also one of my favorite planets. So pretty. Anyway. She's got the whole thing. Uranus is actually a very beautiful planet. It's got very thin rings. You know, there's something to be said for all the planets and why they've got their own beauty. What planet do you align with? Please comment on our latest Spotify episode and just comment your planet.

How much your planet? But also tell me why I want to know. I want to know what planet are you and why. Or if you don't want to do Spotify, just message us or email us. Can you comment on Spotify episodes now? You can. I didn't know that. And we have some comments.

It's pretty fun. Oh my goodness. I can't wait. I'm going to go look at all the fucking comments. And I love that is like if you leave a review for this episode, which we hope you do because it helps us move up in the charts, just comment your favorite planet. That's all you got to do. But also like why? I mean, you don't have to. But bonus points, I want to know like what planet you like the most or what planet you align with and why.

What planet matches your spirit? Mm-hmm. Anyway. My shot's already heavy. I don't know about you. We do have a little bit of an announcement. I don't think I brought this up to you, Ebby, earlier, but we talked about it last episode. We're back from our break. We have a really exciting announcement that all $3 patrons now include our bonus episodes. Yay.

And I'm pretty sure I already put that on Patreon. So if you sign up for our Patreon for $3 a month, you get all of our bonus episodes and like all the past ones. for three dollars a month. You get all of our bonus episodes and like all the past ones. But for some reason, if it's not working, let me know. I clicked like the little thing on Patreon. We do all of our own office work. We sure do. So if for some reason you signed up for a Patreon for $3 and you're not getting our bonus episodes, leave us a message and let us know. Click the little thing that says you should get that bonus, but I don't know if that's how it works.

Yeah. Please report back if you are at the $3 tier if you are still receiving our transmissions. Exactly. It's February. It is. How are you feeling about the fact that it's, I mean, technically we are recording in January because we're getting a little bit ahead of the game as we usually do. We're trying.

We're trying to get back to being ahead of the game. Cause we were playing it real fast and loose toward the end of 2024 there. As we do. As we do. We're an indie podcast. That means it's me and Abby and sometimes Justin when he is available, we love him for that. We do, but he is off, he is starting his second career at the moment, so he is busy. Which we appreciate and respect. Which we love for him.

Absolutely. But that does mean that it is now just the two of us. I edited that Cinderella episode the night before it was supposed to be posted. It was a fun episode, though. I really liked it. It was fun. I. That was a fun episode though. I really liked it. It was fun. I think it was a good time. I think you edited the shit out of that episode.

I did, didn't I? You really did. I was amazing. That was fun. Because we recorded for three hours and I managed to get it down to 220 and I'm very proud of myself. I still can't stop thinking about how over Cinderella I am. I know.

To be honest. Yeah, I'm with you. I am. I know. To be honest. Yeah, I'm with you. But anyway. I'm with you, babe. If this episode comes out in February, I mean, Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Hell yeah. I am not in a romantic mood, though. No.

No. No? What kind of mood are you in? I'm in a monster mood. I want to eat the world kind of mood. Are you sure? That's not kind of romantic though. It could be romantic.

It could get romantic. Oh, I don't know if I should mention that. So for the months of December, just in case. Tell the people. Tell the people. Just in case for the months of November, December, and, yeah. Just in case. Tell the people, tell the people. Just in case for the months of November, December and January, we donated 100% of our proceeds to causes we care about.

And it is still currently January. So November, we donated to the ACLU. And in December, our patrons decided that we were gonna donate to Planned Parenthood, which fuck yeah, reproductive rights. January, we don't know yet. And this is going to be a couple weeks into February. But you can go check our Patreon to see what you all decided to donate towards.

So hell yeah, we love you guys so much. Thank you so much to our patrons, seriously, for sticking with us, especially during our break. We know it's like you love us the most and we really appreciate you for sticking with us as an indie podcast. We're really small. Like I said, it's just me and Abby. We're just sitting here. Just hanging out and hanging out with all of you. And we also just really appreciate you guys giving us the time to kind to take a bit of a breather and take a real breather this time. I know that the wait was a little longer than it usually is, but it was much appreciated

and much needed. I'm ready to tell you a fairy tale. I'm fucking stoked. I'm ready to hear it. What are you telling me? This fairy tale is called The Ruby Prince. The Ruby Prince. It is from India.

And the reason I chose it, and I actually was really excited to ask you this, I didn't even look it up because I wanted to ask you, when you were young, did you ever pick a series based on, there were like, there was like this series, I can't remember what it was, but it was like princesses based on like different gemstones and it was like the diamond princess.

Oh, yeah. They were called the jewel princesses and there was the diamond princess, the emerald princess, the sapphire princess, and the ruby princess. The ruby princess lived in the Red Mountains and had a dragon and her name was Roxanne and I left her. I knew everyone noticed. I started that series. I never finished it. Did you read all of them? I read every single one. Yeah, you did. Oh my God. So did my sibling. I think we used to play pretend, like which princess we were. Hell yeah. All the time.

Didn't each book come with a little piece of jewelry too? It came with every single one came with a little piece of jewelry too. That was so fucking cool. Like perfect marketing for little young adults. The dream. You show a pretty girl around your age on the front cover and all of them had a magical creature best friend. Hell yeah.

Okay. What was the series called again? It was called The Jewel Princess, or it was called The Jewel Kingdom. The Jewel Kingdom. I need to like, I kind of want to reread some of these. Oh, sure. You absolutely should and let me know if they were actually bad because I can't remember. I'm not recognizing. Oh yeah, I remember this artwork.

Ooh, I'm going to, The Diamond yeah, I remember this artwork. Ooh, I'm gonna the diamond princess steps through the mirror. This is probably the one that I got. I'm gonna send it to you real fast. Post it to our Instagram. But like that was probably the first one I bought. And I think I remember this one. It came with a piece of jewelry. Like, and that was kind of like what first got me into reading like, I don't know, young adult novels. That was so cool. Did anybody else read this? Please, please tell us that this wasn't just a fever dream

that we had. Exactly. So the reason I picked this story was cause it's called the Ruby Prince. I love it. I imagined it having a Ruby on the front and I was really stoked about it. With like a little fake ass plastic Ruby necklace. Exactly.

Okay, so it says it's from India, but on Wikipedia it says it's Punjabi folktale, so it could be India or Pakistan. Okay, because Punjab kind of spans both countries. Yes. And if we're going to do a little bit of a geography corner. Ooh, please. India is just southeast of Pakistan. India is also just south of Nepal and Bangladesh and China. Check it out on a map. Abby's much better at doing geography corner than I am. You did great.

It's real south. It's also west of Thailand. There's also a huge country Myanmar or previously Burma. Beautiful. Anyway. Well done. That-hmm. So. Beautiful. Anyway. Well done. That is where it is.

But it is called the Ruby Prince, which sounds awesome. It would only be better if it were the Ruby Princess. That's already the fix. Make the protagonist a woman. Sorry. With a dragon. Okay. Once upon a time.

Oh, yeah. You haven't given me your… Give me your three predictions for the Ruby Prince. That's rude that you haven't given them to me yet. So rude. Sorry. My apologies, my bad. Once upon a time. Okay. Yeah. What are your three predictions? This is a romance. A romance.

The Ruby is cursed. The Ruby is cursed. The ruby is cursed. The prince is a butt head. That's such a good prediction because I honestly can't remember. Okay, it's a romance. The ruby is cursed and the prince is a butt head. I stand by them. Without further ado.

Oh, by the way, I got this story from fairytales.com because they list them out via region and I really wanted to do an Indian folktale. So fuck yeah, fairytales.com with a Z. Everybody go there and download their app. Fuck yeah. Sure. I think. Sure. Hashtag not sponsored.

Hashtag not sponsored. Once upon a time. Excellent. Beautiful story. A poor Brahmin, which Brahmin is like a priest in Hindu. It's like one of the higher castes. Yes. I love. Abby just knew that immediately. I's like one of the higher castes. Yes. I love, Abby just knew that immediately. I looked it up while I was reading this last night.

Abby just knows it off the top of her head. She's so smart and beautiful. Thank you. I also, I did a lot of prior research in prior Indian folk tales that I've read. Bopaluchi specifically mentions that she is from a specific caste. A poor Brahmin was walking along a dusty road when he saw something sparkling on the ground. On picking it up, it turned out to be a small red stone. So thinking it was somewhat

curious, the Brahmin put it into his pocket and went on his way. By and by, he came to a corn merchant's shop at the side of the road. Being hungry, he bethought himself of the red stone and taking it out, offered the corn dealer in exchange for a bite and supper as he had no money in his pocket. Okay, you know, fair enough. Now for a wonder… It's a fucking ruby though. Yeah, but he doesn't know that. He's just a poor Brahmin.

He's never seen a ruby and he's like, he's like, oh, it's a cool red stone. So for a wonder, the shopkeeper was an honest man. So after looking at the stone, he bade the Brahmin take it to the king for, said he, all the goods in my shop are not equal in its value. I'm telling you right now, my fix is that this shopkeeper gets his due because that is the kindest thing anyone could have ever said to this Brahmin. Let him know that it's like, that's a really valuable stone, my dude. That's a ruby.

That's a ruby. That's a ruby. I can't give you anything for that, what that's worth. He could have lied. He could have lied and said like, oh, thank you very much. Yes, here's your corn. Would you like a free side? For real?

Very cool. So the Brahmin carried the stone to the king's palace and asked to be shown into his presence But the Prime Minister refused at first to admit him Nevertheless when the Brahmin persisted that he is something beyond But the Prime Minister refused at first Nevertheless when the Brahmin persisted that he had something beyond price to show, he was allowed to see the king. Now the snake stone, which I didn't really quite understand why it's called the snake

stone. I guess it's like red. Maybe it looks like a snake. It doesn't really say, but I thought that was interesting. Yeah, that is interesting. Now the snake stone was just like a ruby, red and fiery. Therefore, when the king saw it, he said, what dost thou want for this ruby, O Brahmin? And the Brahmin replied, only a pound of meal to make for a girdle cake, for I am hungry. Nay, said the king.

A girdle cake or a griddle cake? Is it girdle? It says only a pound of meal to make for a girdle cake. Interesting. Okay. A girdle cake that helps you keep it real tight. Yeah, right. Exactly.

A girdle cake but without all the cake ramifications. Okay. So he just wants to make a little cake. Just fucking hungry. He's hungry. He wants lunch. He's just hungry. He's like, the other guy wouldn't give me anything and I'm just real hungry. Nay, said the king, for it's worth more than that.

Oh my God, is it worth his daughter? Oh shit. He sent for a lock, which is 100,000 rupees, a lock of rupees from his treasury, and counted it over the Brahmin who went on his way rejoicing. Wow. Okay. So what I love is that everyone he's encountering gives him a fair price for this ruby. Yeah. This is a pretty cool like… This is a decent kingdom full of upstanding people. Now that you've made your predictions, this is one of those stories where I literally could not have predicted which way this was going at any given moment.

Yeah, so far all of my predictions are wrong. He's like, okay, bye. I got my money. Oh, God, I should have known that the ruby wasn't even going to matter after like two sentences. I don't know. He's like, well, no. Okay, anyway. Okay, I'll shut up.

Tell me the story. Okay. So the Brahmin got a bunch of rupees for this gift and he went on his fucking merry way and probably lived his best life, which is what we wanted for him. And also for the first guy, I can't even remember what he did. It's real loose. Hold on. I'm only a little bit, this story is much longer. Okay. You're going to have to edit this. I sure am. I think you should just edit it exactly. I think you shouldn't leave anything out. Just

keep it all in. I'm not going to edit it at all. I'm just going to line up our audio and hit publish. Print. I know what you should do. You know what? Whatever. Who's even listening anyway? You guys like this already if you're listening at 101 episodes. Comment Neptune. Then the king called his queen and gave the jewel into her custody with the many instructions for its safekeeping. Four said he there was not its leg in the whole world and the queen determined to be careful wrapped it in cotton wool and put it away in an empty chest, locking the chest with double locks.

Oh my God. So the guy is just gone. We're following the ruby and not the dude that found the ruby. Oh, okay. Hell yeah. This story doesn't follow anything. I'm just telling you right now. Oh God. Okay. So just be prepared. Okay, I'm prepared. Okay, she locks it in the chest.

Yeah, she's taking her job very seriously. She's double locked it. She's like, all right, you tasked. I love that she has a job too. She's taking it seriously. Yep, absolutely. I'm the queen. I'm taking care of this. She's in charge of the money. So there the ruby snake stone, again, it's called a snake stone. Now I'm just imagining it shaped like a snake. Lay for 12 long years. At the end of that time, the king sent for his queen and said,

bring me the ruby. I wish to satisfy myself that it is safe. 12 years? He's not using it for anything. It's pretty. It's locked away. And 12 years later, he's like, oh yeah, I've got a pretty fabulous ruby around here somewhere. Where is it? For no fucking reason. Let me just make sure it's still there. Apropos of nothing. The queen took her keys and going to her room, opened the chest and lo, the ruby was gone. Oh my God. And in its place was a handsome stripling, which means a handsome young man. And? It says stripling like a bunch, so I'm just going to say handsome young man. Is that what that means? Yeah. According to Google, stripling said it means a handsome young man. Why would you call a handsome young man a

stripling? Stripling is maybe strapling. It says S-T-R-I-P-L-E-I-N-J. I still think that's weird. All right. Anyway. A handsome young man. A handsome young man and she shut down the box again in a great hurry because and thought and thought what she had better do to break the news to the king. Ugh, it was just a man. There's a man in here. Those are diamond dozen. What happened to the actual ruby that was worthwhile?

I need a drink of Prosecco. Suck it down. Obviously, Helen. There it is. This is drunk history. It is. All of fairy tales. This is drunk fairy tales.

Maybe we should rename our podcast. Happy 2025. D for done. D for done. Now Ashley thought the king of the game is going to be a king of the game. This is Drunk Fairy Tales. Maybe we should rename our podcast. Happy 2025. D for done. D for done. Now, Ashley thought, the king became quite impatient and sent a servant to ask what the delay was.

Then the queen bade the servant carry the box to the audience chamber and going thither, no tither, yeah, no thither, withither keys, she unlocks the chest before the king. She's like, fuck, I guess I'm gonna get caught. And she opened the box and there's a fucking young man and outstepped the handsome young man. At least he's really handsome. Everybody's astonishment. He better be.

I mean, that would be kind of crazy if you put a jewel in a chest for like 12 years. Imagine you forgot about that thing you hid away as your investment for your old life. And then an old man or no, a young handsome. Old young, you know what? Who's to say? No, because in your mind- But he's handsome.

He's a hot man, which means he's an old man. He looks like Jeffrey Rush. I'm just saying. The most handsome man you could possibly think of. And I don't know how anyone else can think of anything else. Anyway. I'm dying. Okay, also I have so many questions.

I have no answers for you. What's the Ruby in egg? How long has he been in the chest? Damn, you just reminded me of another new fairy tale I really want to tell now. I might have to tell it next. Okay. Okay. But he is called the Ruby Prince.

So who are you? Quoth the King. And where is my jewel? Quoth. I am... He says that. It says quoth. Quoth.

Which is so good. Funny. Great. I am Ruby Prince. Return the boy. More than that you cannot know. Because he's mysterious and sexy. And he looks like Jeffrey Rush.

They say young, but I feel like that's subjective. Then the king was angry and drove him from the palace. But being a just man, so this king isn't a total dick, he first gave the boy a horse and arms so that he might fight this way in this world, which is pretty cool for like a mad king. Well, especially when like my beautiful Ruby is gone and in replace is this stripling.

Stripling. Hello, hello, who are you? in replace is this stripling. Stripling? Yeah. Hello. Hello. Who are you and what have you done with my jewel? Oh, you are the jewel made flesh. Well, I don't have any questions about that. Get the fuck out of my house. Here's a horse and a sword. That's the perfect reaction, I think.

I feel like this king's got it. What would you do? I would have so many questions and then probably have him stay because a ruby turned into a person and that's magical. He is the ruby prince. Right. Trust me, the story goes Prince. Right. Trust me, the story goes on. Okay.

Oh, boy. Okay. Just brace yourself. And it's also Jeffrey Rash now. Wait, who's a young stripling that you would imagine? A young stripling? It's an Indian story. So I suppose. Oh yeah.

The two actors that come to mind immediately are Dev Patel, naturally. Oh yeah, hell yeah. Okay, because I have been on my psych rewatch kick, I am casting this young stripling as Sandil Ramamurthy. And he played, he is an Indian actor who played in the Bollywood episode from Psych. Oh, he's beautiful. Isn't he beautiful?

He is a beautiful man. That's a beautiful man right there. He's very like and romantic and I loved him in that episode of Psych. So that's what I'm missing in my brain. Oh I love that for all of us. Isn't he handsome? Look at the jawline on this man. It's insane.

And the hair. And the hair. It's so full and curly and like… Great smile. Yeah. But also great stoic face, like great, I mean, business face. Yeah, okay, I accept it. This man is hot. Yeah, he's right. Anyway, so… Oh my God, the story's not even halfway through. Okay. Okay. To continue telling me… We're going to get through it. I'll just throw it again. About Sandil Ramamurthy. The king was angry and drove him from the palace, but being just a man.

He gave him a horse and a sword. Yes, that's right. He's not a total asshole. He's like, here. No, that's actually very decent of him. Good for the king. Good luck, bro. You're not my Ruby and I hate that. Get out. Now as Prince Ruby journeyed on his steed, he came to the outskirts of the town and saw an old woman making bread. And as she mixed the flour, she laughed and as she needed it, she cried. Why do you laugh and cry, mother? Quoth. Ruby Prince.

Quoth. Quoth. Because my son must die today. Return the woman. There is an ogre in this town which every day eats a young man and it is my son's turn to provide the dinner and that is why I wait." But she didn't explain why she laughed. But she's probably like me and then she just laughs nonstop all the time out of nervousness.

So valid. Valid. Yeah. Then Prince Ruby laughed at her fears and said, he would kill the ogre and set the town free only The old woman must let him sleep while in her house and promised to wake him when the time came to go forth and meet the ogre What good will that do me? Said the old woman you will only be killed and then my son will have to go tomorrow

Sleep on stranger if you will, but I will not wake you." Then Prince- Oh damn. Okay. Yeah, she's like- You're not even going to try? I know, right? You're not even going to try? You're not even going to give your son a stay of execution until tomorrow?

You know, she probably has gone through this over and over in her head. She's going through the five stages of grief. Fair enough, Fair enough. She's past the, what's that stage where you're like bargaining. Okay. It's one of the stages. Right. She's hit acceptance and she's hit acceptance hard. Real hard that she's laughing and crying while she does her job. Then Prince Ruby laughed again. It is of no use, mother.

Fight the ogre, I will. And as you will not wake me, I must even go to the place of meeting and sleep there. So he rode off on a steed beyond the gates of the city. And tying his horse to a tree, he lay down to sleep peacefully. Bye bye, the ogre came for its dinner. But hearing no noise and seeing no one,

it thought the townspeople had failed in their bargain and prepared to revenge itself. But Prince Ruby jumped up refreshed by slumber and falling on the ogre, cut off its head and hands in a trice. Real easy. These he stuck on the gate of the town. No biggie. Yeah. Fucking no biggie. He stuck them on the gate? He's hot and clever.

Clever and brutal. Yeah. He stuck them on the gate and returning to the old woman's house, he told her he had killed the ogre and lay down to sleep again. He's like, man, I'm real fucking tired. Now when the townspeople saw the ogre's head and hands peering over the city gate, as you said, like creepy, they thought the dreadful creature had come to revenge itself for some slight.

Therefore, they ran to the king in a great fright. And he thinking the old woman whose son who was to have formed the ogre's dinner, must have played some trick, went off with his officers to play where she lived, and found her laughing and singing. And why do you laugh? He asked sternly. I laugh because the ogre is killed, she replied, and because the prince who killed it is sleeping in my house. Great was the astonishment at these words. Yet sure enough, when they came to examine more closely,

they saw that the ogre's head and hands were those of a dead thing. Then the king said, so it was all part of a plot. It's all part of a plot. Then the king said, show me this valiant prince who sleeps so soundly. And when he saw the young handsome strapling, he recognized him as the lad whom he had driven from the palace. And then he turned to his prime minister and said, what re-roar- what re-roar- reward. Why can't I say that word? Reward.

What reward? What reward? This youth have. The prime minister answered at once, your daughter in marriage and half your kingdom is not a reward for the service he has rendered, which damn, that's pretty high. That's pretty high, but I was thinking, in my mind, when he came back triumphant and stuck the ogre's hands on the gate or whatever, I thought that the billiard was going to be like, oh my God, amazing. Here, I don't even know what to do about this. No, he needs a lot of help.

He's like a king that's like, I don't know what to do. Right. But no, he asks advice. I like the king. The king is my favorite character so far. He seems confused but fair. He's like, get out of my house, but I'm not going to leave you defenseless. That's fair. Horses weren't expensive luxury. That's true. Horses are still an expensive luxury. Giving someone a horse is like, damn, that's an expensive present. Very true, very true. So, Ruby Prince was married in a great state to the king's fair daughter and half the

kingdom was given to him to rule. But the young bride, much as she loved her gallant husband, was vexed because she knew not who he was and because the other women in the palace tweeted her with having married a stranger and a man come from no man's land. Ah, excuse me. Did they not marry strangers? No. They're all like, oh, this dude is from my high school.

We don't even know who your dude is from. I thought this was medieval times when you married someone from the neighboring kingdom sight unseen. Didn't people marry strangers all the time? This is a huge plot in the story. They're pissed. They're like, who the fuck is this guy? Okay. All right. I mean, I can understand they're mocking that you married someone who hatched him a ruby.

Sure, but I don't know if that really came up. Fascinating. Okay. You know what? I stand corrected. Maybe they all went to high school with their husbands. I want more ruby lore. What the fuck with this Ruby? Yeah. I honestly can tell you right now, there are no answers for that. All the other palace women married their high school sweetheart.

Yeah. They're all mad. They're like, who the fuck is this guy even? She's like, I don't know. They're like, well, why the fuck not? Then they just keep like giving her shit for forever and ever. And it starts to get to her a little bit.

Okay, all right. So, so, the relates says that. So, day after day, she would ask her husband to tell her who he was and whence he came. And every day Ruby Prince would reply, dear heart, ask me anything but that. For that you must not know.

Oh, shit. Okay. So it is a mystery. Okay. I can see why this is getting to her now. And maybe by stranger, they just mean like totally unknown person. Yeah. Like we don't know where he's from. We don't know who he is. Who's his family? What's his kingdom. Like we know nothing about it. Who's his prince we don't know. We're going to get sued if we sing this song 20 more seconds. Holy shit.

Okay. I don't want to pay for the song, Kelsey. Okay, sorry. So the princess begged and prayed and wept and coaxed until one day when they were standing by the riverside, she whispered, if you love me, you will tell me. It says like what race you are, which feels problematic, but it's like, who are you?

Right, like it's like, where do you come from? Who are you? Right. It's like, where do you come from? Who are your people? If you love me, which is like the classic. The classic. Classic nagging wife. I don't know. I mean, but also like I am 100% on her team. Who even are you?

Who are you? Where did you come from? Who are your people? Where did you go? Where'd you go? Where'd you come from? Who are your people? Where did you go? Where'd you go? Where'd you come from? Where'd you go? But as you know in fairy tales, you can't just divulge that information. No. I don't know where this comes from, but all of a sudden the prince is standing in water,

and that's part of it. So now Ruby Prince wants his foot. Yeah. So he's like, hold on. Connect those dots for me. Yeah, I know. I remember reading this last night and thinking like, this part's kind of weird. But all of a sudden he's in water and I feel like that's kind of like a metaphor. I feel like maybe it might have been written better in books. Okay. This feels like a dream sequence. We're like, okay, now he's standing in water. Yeah. All of a sudden, Ruby Prince is standing in water, and his foot touched the water as he replied, Dear heart, anything but that for you must not know.

Still the princess, imagining she saw signs of yielding in his face, said again, If you love me, tell me who you are. Then Ruby Prince stood knee-deep in water. His face was sad as he replied, Dear heart, anything but that, for you must not know. Once again the wilful bride put her question, and Ruby Prince was waist-deep in the stream. Dear heart, anything but that. Tell me, tell me, cried the princess. And lo, as she spoke, a jeweled snake with a golden crown and a ruby star reared itself from the water

and with a sorrowful look toward her disappeared with her husband beneath the wave. Huh. Then the princess. Okay. Hmm. Hmm. Huh. Then the prince is… Okay. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. It's like this…

It's not written exactly like that, so it's like kind of confusing. It just sounds like all of a sudden a snake appears and the snake disappears, but I'm assuming the husband does too. Well, it says that the snake takes the prince with him. It doesn't say that in the text. Oh. It just says the snake appears and then disappears, but I added that. Oh, okay. Interesting. Yeah, yeah. I feel like there might be a translation like… Yeah. I feel like maybe the prince turns into a snake. That would be way cooler

but it doesn't sound like that. I don't think that and I'll tell you why later. Okay. All right. The princess went home and wept bitterly, cursing her own curiosity, which had driven away her handsome, gallant young husband. Yeah, women, stop being so fucking curious. Why are you asking so many goddamn questions? Quit asking questions. Just do what the word says. She offered a reward of a bushel of gold to anyone who would bring her any information about him. Yet day after day passed and still no news came, so the princess grew pale and weeping salt tears.

At last, a dancing woman. One of those who attend the women's festivals came to the princess and said, Last night I saw a strange thing. When I was out gathering sticks, I lay down to rest under a tree and fell asleep. When I awoke, it was light, neither daylight nor moonlight. And while I wondered, a sweeper... Sorry, this story gets really weird. Okay. A sweeper came out from a snake hole at the foot of the tree and swept the ground with his broom,

and then followed a water carrier who and swept the ground with his broom and then followed a water carrier who sprinkled the ground with water. And after that, two carpet bearers who spread costly rugs and then disappeared. Even as I wondered what these preparations meant, a noise of music fell upon my ear and from the snake hole came forth

a goodly procession of young men, glittering with jewels and one in the midst, who seemed to be the king. Then, while the musicians played one by one, the young men rose and danced before the king. But one who wore a red star on his forehead danced but ill and looked pale and wan. That is all I have to say. Okay. It's very fairy. Very fairy. Here's a very specific instructions and details for you.

Yeah. It's reminding me a little bit of the Ballad of Tam Lin, It's reminding me a little bit of the Ballad of Tamlin, which is the story of a beautiful boy that gets kidnapped by the fairy queen and then his mortal lover has to rescue him from parties and parades by holding onto him while he changes shape. What did he do to save him? His mortal love, I can't remember the exact circumstances of the trial, but she has to hold onto him while the fairy queen turns him into various shapes that are meant to frighten or wound her. And if she can hold onto him, well, he changes from a viper to a lion to a, you know, to a stag or, you know, whatever. Yeah.

I can't remember exactly what animals, but like if she can hang on to them through all of it, then she can keep them. Oh, that's cool. It's a good story. A little similar. Okay. But I'll keep going before I get into it too much.

So the next night, the princess went with a dancing girl to the tree where, hiding themselves behind the trunk, they waited to see what might happen. Sure enough, after a while it became light that was neither sunlight nor moonlight. Then the sweeper came forth and swept the ground, the water carrier sprinkled it, and the carpet bearers placed the rug, and last of all, to the sound of music was glittering processions swept out. How the princess' heart beat when the young prince with the red star, she recognized her dearest husband and how it ached when she saw how pale he was and how little he seemed

to care to dance. Then when all had performed before the king, the light went out and the princess crept home. Every night she would go to the tree and watch, but all day she would weep because she seemed no nearer getting back to her lover. Aw, but she just goes and watches and can't get him back or be a part of it. All because she asked too many fucking questions. Uh-huh, as we know. I don't know. I feel like usually our thing is like ask more questions, but sometimes the fairy tales are like, don't ask the question. Well, I mean, kind of specifically in stories where it's like, don't ask your husband so

many questions. Yes. Always ask the woman questions, but never ask a man a question. Well, I don't know. I also feel like this is like, this has happened in stories where it's gender flipped, where like the woman questions, but never ask a man a question. I don't know. I also feel like this has happened in stories where it's gender flipped, where the woman is the magic woman with the secret, and she's like, don't do this thing. Her husband's like, I gots to know. Then he fucks it up. Yeah. She kind of did that in this one. He's like, please, I will answer any question except where I come from. Stop asking that

question. I think it's outside inquisitors being like, hey, what the fuck is going on? Where is your husband even from? Yeah. It's getting to her and she's— She lets them get in her head. She gots to know. She gots to know. And does she know now? I don't know.

I don't think she knows. Anyway, it's very fairy nonsense though, which I love. Very fairy nonsense. This is very cool. It's kind of romantic too, in a way. She's just watching her man's dance, even though he's not having fun. She's just watching her, watching her man's dance, even though he's not having fun. She's just watching him nonstop. Okay, so at last one day, the dancing girl said to her, oh, princess, I have hit upon a plan.

The snake king is passionately fond of dancing and yet is only men who dance before him. Ooh. Now, if a woman were to do so, who knows? But he might be so pleased that he would grant her anything she asked. Let me try. So she's like,

she's like, the snake really only likes to watch men dance, but maybe if she sees the me dance, or if he sees me dance. Like he'll get really excited, like a little variety. Oh yeah. likes to watch men dance, but maybe if she sees the me dance, or if he sees me dance. Like he'll get really excited, like a little variety. Oh yeah. Which, whatever.

Whatever. In a very heteronormative world, sure. I don't know, it kind of sounds like if this guy only has dancing boys, it's because he likes watching the dancing boys. I agree. But man, these folk tales are very boring and heteronormative. So, nay, replied the princess, I will learn of you and try myself. She wants to dance for her own man.

I do love that this is coming into like, it's a dance off. It's a dance off. It's a dance off. So the princess learned to dance and in an incredibly short time, she far surpassed her teacher. Never before since was such a graceful, charming and elegant dancer seen. Everything about her was perfection and she dressed herself in the finest muslins and silver brocades with diamonds on her veil till she shone and sparkled like a star. Okay. Has Bollywood made a movie of this

folktale because I want to watch it. I bet they have. I want to watch it. 100% they have to have. With a beating heart, she hid behind a tree and waited. The sweeper, the water carrier, and the carpet bearers came forth and turned, and then the glittering procession. Ruby Prince looked paler and sadder than ever, and when his turn came to dance, he hesitated as if sick at heart. But from behind the tree stepped a veiled woman, clad in white with jewels flashing, and danced before the king. Never was there

such a dance. Everybody held their breath till it was done and then the king cried aloud, Oh, one down dancer ask what he will and it shall be yours. Oh my goodness. Okay. Give me the man for whom I danced replied the princess and the snake king looked very fierce and his eyes glittered. He was like, me? Absolutely. I know, he's probably like, the snake king's probably pretty hot.

Who do you think is the snake king? His eyes glittered. He's like, hell yeah. You've asked something you had no right to ask and I should kill you for not my promise. Take him and be gone. Quick as thought, the princess seized the ruby prince by the hand, dragged him beyond the circle and fled. After that, they lived very happily

and though the women still taunted her, the princess, her tongue never asked her husband of what race he came, the end. I feel like... Huh. It ends kind of abruptly, but basically, she's like, I never asked him about who he was again, the end. Stop. Well, because I feel like she kind of got her answer. Yeah, that's true. It was that guy. She knows now. He has never explicitly told her, but he is of some kind of got her answer. Yeah, that's true. It was that guy. She knows now.

He has never explicitly told her, but he is of some kind of magical, fairy kind. I need to see the snake king. Does he look like a snake or does he just have like… All right, hear me out. Hear me out. Snake head. Oh, yeah. Hot. Really like cut, ripped body. Rippling body. Absolutely. And like I can't decide on like man bottom or snake bottom.

God, that's such a good question. Right? Okay, okay, okay. Man bottom if snake head. Snake bottom if man head. Kind of one of the same, right? I mean… I think he's a naga. I think it's snake bottom human top.

Snake bottom… That's such a good question. I don't know. I think he's a hot man, but from the waist down, he has a sinewy, scaly snake body. He's like a centaur if the horse bit was a snake. Yeah, I got you. The horse bit was a snake. I don't know. I'd have to see it. I'd have to see it. I don't know. Or is it just a full on snake?

Just a full on giant snake. Yeah, the snake king is just a giant snake. Really? So far his personality was, I mean, he does like men dancing. He loves men dancing. But he did love, he especially loved the woman dancing. So. Well, he likes a little variety every once in a while. Yeah. You know, he's just like, whatever I can get. And also, this is my prince. Is

it his son or is it like a prince and like this is my prince? I think we're not supposed to ask that question. God damn. Okay. The only fix I remember for this. Okay. So what I love about the story, besides us just being like, it's fun. I love that it ends up being a bride heroine finding and like fixing her shit. Finding her husband, getting him, and she works hard to like, obviously the dance sequence

has to be like a montage and she learns it really quickly and she's like, she works her ass off to get her boy back. I love that it ends in a dance off, that she dances to win her man back. Yes, she does. I fucking love that. It honestly redeemed the whole story for me. It's got to be a Bollywood, right? Someone has made this into at least a short film, surely.

I feel like I don't see… Oh, wait. Piyali Siam is Ruby, Prince of Bollywood, maybe? Maybe? I'm going to look at more. If you know, send us a message. But yeah, that sounds amazing. I love the idea of a dance off. I also, so my main fix, genuinely my main fix is that the first guy, the retailer, the corn merchant who tells the Brahmin that it's worth more than anything he has in his shop, that we get to look back on him and he gets money. The Brahmin gets his money and gives at least half of it to the corn merchant. To the guy. Because he could have taken all of it.

That is the most good-hearted thing I've ever heard. That's in the first paragraph of the story. That was a really long story. It was, but it was good. Or like the Brahmin who they give the money to, he recommends the corn merchant to the king and the corn merchant is now the corn supplier to the palace. Exactly. He didn't have to do all that and that was like the nicest. That was really sweet of him. That was very honest. That was so nice. Maybe we're just living in a very jaded time.

He's the real hero of the story. But honesty from a business person. He's the real hero. He's a hero. Support small local business because they're the real ones. That's all I want. I just want to hear more about how he's doing in life and his own hero. Support small local business because they're the real ones. That's all I want. I just want to hear more about how he's doing in life and his own daily kill. Even the Brahmin, what's he doing after 12 years? What's he up to? Yeah, off living his best Brahmin life, I suppose.

This story just went in a lot of different places. It went a lot of places. Which was fine. It was really fun. I do. But the singular redeeming quality, it ends in a dance-off to save the prince. I love it for that. That's great. Me too. It was fun. Thank you for that. Yeah. The only fix I have is that that corn merchant gets rewarded. Yeah. That's the only – I love the dance-off. I agree, too. Although I feel like a more detailed dance-off would be fun to hear about or if there were a video and music to go with it, that would be really fun.

That would be really cool, but that's getting into adaptation. It's true, but that's what I want. But in the text of the story, I do think it would be kind of cool if… Oh, okay. Here's the fix. If it was like a real dance off, like where the snake king has a champion, like a dance champion. Yes. No, the snake king himself. And so then she has to dance better. Oh my God. Yes. It's like, wait a minute. I didn't know you were such a good dancer. And the snake starts to dance, but it's like a snake. Now in my mind, it's not like half snake,

half man. It's just a snake. It's just a snake. And he's doing his own dancing routine. Okay. And so she has to be more sinuous and more flexible and more of a graceful dancer than a literal snake. And that's how she wins the prince back. Okay. Like, I love, like, okay, that's the fix. It's an actual dance-off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As our heroine, I want the chick from Galavant really badly. The woman who plays Isabella? Yes, Karen David. Karen David. Just because I really love her so much.

Could she do the dance though? I don't know, but she's got the voice. She's got a beautiful voice. If we're making it a musical. I feel like we should go for a Bollywood actress. Okay, fair enough, but I do love her. And if it were a musical, I just don't know what a Bollywood actress is. There's a million.

I feel like I've seen a couple of clips of people just going bananas over. Hell yes. Hang on. I'm going to cast this right now. Okay. The 20 best dancing divas of Bollywood according to IMDB. Madhuri Dixit, Sridevi. Hang on, I'm trying to see if there's – Oh, Rekha. I have heard of Rekha. Okay. I will find clips that I've seen and send them to you. 100%, like a top Bollywood actress. Yeah, who is just known for this sort of sinuous- Yes, amazing dancing.

Sort of dancing. Yes. Dancing against a giant CGI snake. Absolutely. Obviously, voiced by a premier Bollywood actor. Obviously. I can't just... You know what? I need to watch more Bollywood. That is what me too. This is telling me is more Bollywood should be in our future. If anyone has any Bollywood recommendations, please send it to us. Please send us. I did watch Bride and Prejudice recently, which I don't know if Bride and Prejudice is technically Bollywood.

It's awesome though. It's really, it is Bollywood. It's a Bollywood musical version of Pride and Prejudice and it's very fun. That sounds so good. It's so good. We're going to move on to my story. Yeah, let's move on to your story. I'm in a monster mood.

Hell yes. Here's the thing. I decided I was going to do a story from Monstrous Tales and then I declined to actually read one, so you're going to help me pick one based on title. Oh, yeah. I love that. Okay. I'm going to let you choose between two stories. Yeah. What are my choices? The demon's daughter or a dragon's favor? A dragon's favor, for sure. Okay. I thought that was probably going to be what it was.

Absolutely. Yeah. Anything with dragon in it. Perfect. I mean, I agree and I'm glad that you do too. Oh. Quickly going over your predictions. Oh, I don't think I got any. You said there was a romance. There was a romance. It was.

Okay, you know what? There was romance. It was totally romance. The ruby was cursed. It didn't really say anything about the ruby, which is annoying. Oh, I think that might've been my main fix is that there was more lore about why he was a Ruby for 12 years. I need more information.

That was it. No, no, because then the point of the story is to stop asking so many fucking questions about how the magic works. Why is he Ruby? Stop asking. I'm with the princess. I am the princess. Stop asking or he'll disappear. I don't care.

I'm not in love with him. The prince was not a butt head, but it was a romance. So you got one point. One point for me. Good for me. Good job. I don't know, maybe Ruby was cursed. He was like that for 12 years. It's true. Good job. I don't know. Maybe Ruby was cursed.

He was like that for 12 years. It's true. I'm giving you a half point. You get one and a half. I love drunk Kelsey. Drunk Kelsey is so generous. It was kind of a curse. He's just – and then he can't tell his – he can't be honest with his wife about

it and then she has to go into a dance house. That's at least worth a half point if not a full point. Hey, you know what? I agree. I'm with you. I'm on your side. That's kind of a curse. It's kind of a curse. It's kind of a... You know what? If you can't fucking talk about it, yeah, it's a curse. It is a curse. You know what? I should go full point for that. Yeah, full two points. You get two points. Good job.

Yeah, I do. Good job, Abby. Yeah, you're fucking, fuck these rules. Ruby was cursed. All right. It was cursed. If you can't talk about it, it's a curse. That's fair. You know what? 100%. 100%. Two full points. You know what? Thank you. Thank you for your diligence and adhering to really investigating whether or not our predictions were true. That was the face that I kept forgetting about because that was like the least interesting part

of the story. Right. Because at a certain point, who fucking cares about that ruby anymore? I'm telling you my story now. You have to give me predictions. Oh, yeah. Where is it from? China. God damn it. It's one of the best countries. China has all the good stories, as does South Korea. Anyway, so a dragon's favor. I don't know.

Oh my God. The dragon needs it real bad. I don't know what is. What is it? What is it in that sentence, Kelsey? The dragon needs it real bad. Does the dragon need to get fucked? The dragon needs it real bad.

Wow, okay. This is my first prediction. My second prediction is that the dragon gets it real bad. Like not in the way I think he wants, real bad. Okay, I love it. Excellent. Keep going. My third prediction is that— This episode is unhinged. It's an unfair exchange. An unfair exchange.

For whatever it is that the dragon needs, it is an unfair exchange. Fucking incredible. I'm so excited. These are very open to certain interpretations. Oh, wait. You haven't read it either, right? I have not. What are your predictions? Okay. I was going to go in a boring direction. There's an important pearl. Oh, I like important pearl though. The dragon is a tricky dragon.

Oh, tricky dragon. That needs it real bad. That needs it real bad. And gets it real bad. What is it? We'll find out. The sea is prominently featured. I'm just going to write the sea. The sea. That sounds right. Dragons and Chinese folklore. They're usually elemental of some kind. They're usually like the air or the wind or the sea or the river or the heavens. It's something, but it's usually the sea. It's always something with these Chinese dragons.

It's usually the sea. It's always something with these Chinese dragons. It's usually the sea. And they need it real bad. That's my own thing. That was probably a terrible prediction, but that's what I want. That's fucking hilarious. I love it so much. The dragon needs it real bad and the dragon gets it real bad. We should do shots of four episodes more often.

Welcome to drunk fairy tales. A dragon's favor from China. To those who win their favor, the dragons are preservers even when they come forth as destroyers. I love that. That's so promising. I do. as destroyers. I love that. That's so promising. The story is told of how Wu, the son of a farmer named Yin, won the favor of a dragon and rose to be a great man in China. When he was a boy of 13,

he was sitting one day at the garden gate looking across the plain, which is watered by a winding river that flows from the mountains. He was a silent, dreamy boy who had been— I know, he sounds awesome— who had been brought up by his grandmother, his mother having died when he was very young, and it was his habit thus to sit in silence, thinking and observing things. An introverted baby. Yeah, a little introverted baby. Along the highway came a handsome youth riding a white horse. He was clad in yellow garments and seemed to be of high birth. Four man servants accompanied him and one held an umbrella to shield him from the sun's bright rays.

Can't have him getting a tan. And the young, stribling thought, do I like him or want to be him? An excellent question for any young boy. Ha ha ha ha. The youth drew his horse up at the gate and addressing Wu said, "'Son of Yin, I am weary.

May I enter your father's house and rest a little time? I'm wondering, how do you know who this kid's father is? The youth is a dragon. This is my second prediction. Oh, your bonus prediction. My bonus prediction. The boy bowed and said, enter. Yin came forward and opened the gate. The noble youth dismounted and sat on a seat in the court while his servants tethered the horse. The farmer chattered with his visitor. Food was brought and when the meal was finished,

the youth thanked him for his hospitality and walked across the courtyard. Wu noticed that before one of the servants passed through the gate, he turned the umbrella upside down. And when the youth had mounted his horse, he turned to the silent observant boy and said, I shall come again tomorrow. And Wu bowed and answered, come. The strangers rode away and Wu sat watching them until they had vanished from sight. When evening came on, the farmer spoke to his son regarding the visitors and said, The noble youth knew my name, and yet I have never set eyes upon him before. Wu was silent for a time.

Then he said, I cannot say who the youth is or who his attendants are. You watched them very closely, my son. Did you notice anything particular about them? And said, woo, there were no seams in their clothing. The white horse had spots of five colors and scaly armor instead of hair. The hooves of the horse and the feet of the strangers did not touch the ground. Ooh. Ooh, I love this.

Wait, is this in a ghost section? No, I think they're magic. I think they're magical. I forgot to make a prediction about the monster aspect of it. Oh, yeah. What section is this in? It's in the same section as the disobedient daughter who married a skull. Oh, that's such a good story. I love that story. This is a great compilation. Yeah, I love this book. You got me this book, and this book is such a good fucking choice.

Hell yeah. Every single story in this book has been fucking gold. Everyone go buy Monstrous Tales. Okay, this is the not as they seem section. Okay, okay is the not as they seem section. Okay, okay. Ghosts. Their hooves are touching the ground. I just think it's magic. I think ghosts is a different section of this book.

Okay, okay, okay. I just think they're celestial. Absolutely. Prove it. Why don't you prove it? Maybe I will. Yin rose up with agitation and exclaimed, Then they are not human beings but spirits, said Wu. I watched them as they went westward. Rain clouds were gathering on the horizon, and when they were a great distance off,

they all rose in the air and vanished in the clouds. Yin was greatly alarmed to hear this and said, I must ask your grandmother what she thinks of this strange happening. Yep, ask the grandmother. Absolutely, always ask grandma. She's going to know. Okay, I just want to make like a quick, like there are footnotes in this book, in this story. So the footnote on the, they all rose off in the air and vanished in the clouds. The footnote for that is the appearance of four servants with the dragon god indicates that the coming storm is to be one of exceptional violence. Oh, that's spooky for voting. Yeah, very foreboding. storm is to be one of exceptional violence. The old woman was fast asleep, and as she had grown very deaf, it was difficult to

awaken her. When at length she was thoroughly roused and sat up with head and hands trembling with palsy, Yin repeated to her in a loud voice all that Wu had told him. Said the woman, The horse spotted with five colors and with scaly armor instead of hair, is a dragon horse. A dragon horse? Abby! A dragon horse. That's the best kind of horse. That's the best kind of horse. That's exactly my favorite kind of horse. Hell yes. The dream. When spirits appear before human beings, they wear magic garments. That is

why the clothing of your visitors has no seams. Spirits tread on air. As these spirits went westward, they rose higher and higher in the air going towards the rain clouds. The youth was the yellow dragon. He is to raise a storm, and as he has four followers, the storm will be a great one. May no evil befall us. Fuck. Yes. I love it. Somebody put in, go to YouTube and search like rain cloud, thunderstorm, atmosphere, and listen to the rest of the story along with this. Amazing. Amazing. Then Yin told the old woman that one of the strangers had turned the umbrella upside down before passing through the gate. That is a good omen, she said. Then she lay

down and closed her eyes. I have need of sleep, she murmured. I am very old. Okay, they fucking love her. She's like, no, turn that shit off. I'm old. I'm going to bed. I'm going to bed. And she literally says, I am very old. You guys just pissed off a bunch of spirits and there's a dragon and now I got a good bit. No, I think she says that like they did honor to the spirits because it was a good omen.

Oh, that's true. But did they? They did. They hosted them. They were very polite. They gave them food. They gave them tea. Another coming for revenge, right? Okay, sorry. Maybe it's just… I think the implication is these people are going to avoid a very terrible storm because they were nice to the yellow dragon. No, okay. I guess I should turn my lights back on. Oh my goodness. Okay. Heavy masses of clouds were by this time gathering in the sky and Yin decided to sit up all night. Wu asked to be permitted to do the same and his father consented. Then the boy lit a yellow lantern, put on a yellow robe that his grandmother made for him, burned incense, and sat down

reading charms from an old yellow book. The storm first… Witchcraft. The footnote on the yellow book was, an interesting glimpse of the connection between color symbolism and magic. Everything is yellow because a yellow dragon is being invoked. And Yenna is a witch. No, Yenna is a farmer. The old woman doesn't have a name. I know, but Yenna is the one reading from the yellow book, right?

Wu is the one reading from the yellow book. Oh, shit. I'm sorry. The storm burst forth in fury just when dawn was breaking dimly. Wu then closed his yellow book and went to a window. The thunder bellowed, the lightning flamed, and rain fell in torrents, and swollen streams poured down from the mountains. Soon the river rose in flood and swept across the fields. Cattle gathered in groups on shrinking mounds that had become islands surrounded by raging water. I know, scary. Yin feared greatly that the house would be swept away and wished he had fled to the mountains. At night, the cottage was entirely surrounded by flood. Trees were cast down and swept away." It's like, it's crazy out

there. Yeah. Damn. I feel like, I don't know, I feel like we've been having so many crazy weather climate change shit happening lately. The coming climate change perma storm is indeed getting pretty fucking scary. We cannot escape now, groaned Ian. Wu sat in silence displaying no signs of emotion. What do you think of it all? his father asked. Wu reminded him that one of the strangers had turned the umbrella upside down and added, Before the dragon youth went away, he spoke and said, I shall come again tomorrow. Yeah, he's come indeed. Yin groaned and covered his face with his hands. Said Wu, I have just seen the dragon. As I

looked up towards the sky, he spread out his great hood above our home. He's protecting us now. Aw. I know. Because Wu's the witch. Sorry. Because Wu's the witch. Yeah. Or his grindweather is.

He's reading from the book. That's true. He's the apprentice. That's true. He's the apprentice. That's true. Wu is a witch. Alas, my son, you are dreaming. Listen, father, no rain falls on the roof. Yin listened intently, then he said, You speak truly, my son. This is indeed a great marvel. It was well, said Wu, that you welcomed the dragon yesterday.

He spoke to you first, my son, and you answered, Enter. You have much wisdom. You will become a great man." I mean, like, are you really like someone, like a prince shows up on your doorstep and says like, can I have a glass of water? And you're like, no. You did kind of the basics. Right. I mean. But the basics. Right. I mean. But the basics are important. The basics are important.

A lot of people in these days would have said no. Yeah, absolutely, fuck you. Or give me money for it. Much damage have been done by storm and flood and large numbers of human beings and domesticated animals had perished. This is after the storm was over, I guess. Oh, I missed a sentence. The storm began to subside and Wu prevailed upon his father to lie down and sleep. Then while they're sleeping, lots of damage. In the village, which was situated at the mouth of the valley, only a few houses

were left standing. Damn, this is a crazy storm. Mm-hmm. Shit. The rain ceased to fall at midday. Then the sun came out and shone brightly while the waters began to retreat. Woo went outside and sat at the garden gate, as was his custom. In time, he saw that the yellow youth returned from the west, accompanied by his four attendants. When he came nigh, Wu bowed and the youth drew up his horse and spoke, saying, I said I'd return today. Hmm. Hmm.

Wu bowed again. But this time I shall not enter the courtyard, the youth added. As you will, Wu said reverently. The dragon youth then handed the boy a single scale which he had taken from the horse's neck and said, Keep this and I shall remember you. And then he rode away and vanished from sight. The boy reentered the house, he awoke his father and said, The storm is over and the dragon has returned to his pool. And Yin embraced his son and together they went to inform the old woman. She awoke and listened to

all that was said to her and when she learned that the dragon youth had again appeared and spoken to Wu, she said, Did he give you aught before he departed? Wu opened a small wooden box and showed her the scale that had been taken from the neck of the dragon horse. It was pretty cool. The old woman was well pleased and said, When the emperor sends for you, all will be well. Yin was astonished to hear those words and exclaimed, why should the emperor send for my boy? My boy. My boy.

You shall see, the old woman said as she lay down again, because she's old and she's tired. She's so tired. She's so tired. I feel her. Before long, the emperor heard of the great marvel that had been worked in the flooded valley. Men who had taken refuge in the mountains had observed that no rain fell on Gin's house during the storm. So his majesty sent couriers

to the valley and these bade Gin to accompany them to the palace, taking Wu with him. Why did the dragon pick these people? That's my question. Yeah. Everybody else's house is for wrecked and they also might have given nice hospitality. Right? Maybe they did visit other people's houses. Okay. Interesting. I love that. So, on being brought before the emperor, Yin related everything that had taken place and then His Majesty asked to see the scale of the dragon horse. It was growing dusk when Wu opened the box and the scale shone so brightly that it illuminated the throne room so that it became as bright as high noon. Nice.

Said the emperor, Wu shall remain here and become one of my magicians. The yellow dragon has imparted to him much power and wisdom. That's tight. Hell yeah. Thus it came about that Wu attained high rank in the kingdom. He found that great miracles could be worked with the scale of the dragonhorts. It cured disease and it caused the emperor's army to win victories. Very important. What an amazing gift. Yes, an amazing gift. It cures diseases and it makes sure that the emperor can conquer things very easily. That's a moneymaker for sure. Three cheers.

Woo was able to foretell events and he became a renowned prophet and magician. Meat. What? Meat. Neato. That's pretty neato burrito. That is neato burrito, Wu. The farmer's son grew to be very rich and powerful. A great house was erected for him close to the royal palace, and he took his grandmother and father

to it, and there they lived happily until the end of their days. Thus did Wu, son of Yin, become a great man because of the favor shown to him by the Thunder Dragon who had wrought great destruction in the River Valley and taken toll of many lives. The end. My fix for this story is that it is about the dragon and not the little boy. Yeah. It's very, as I was telling you earlier when I was having a hard time picking a fairy tale, man, I'm sick of hearing about these men. I'm fucking like, okay.

So now I'm kind of like, I'm wondering if this was a story that was seeded among the peasant folk of whatever era of China about how the emperor's advisor, like Counselor Wu, was dragon blessed. Yeah. That's why his wisdom is so great and he advises the emperor so well and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, because- It's a little Greek sounding too, like just being sort of kind. You vaguely extended some hospitality and a dragon arbitrarily chose your house. You showed the dragon basic hospitality and then you become a great honored magician and advisor to the emperor. All right. Sure. Whatever. That was honestly, that was a very disappointing

story. I didn't like it very much. I think it should have been about the dragon. Why did the dragon choose Wu? Where did the dragon go before that? What does the dragon do? Why did the dragon rain thunder down upon this valley? Where does the dragon live? Is his wife hot? I have so many questions. I think I get one point that that was an unfair exchange. I think so. He got so much clout for basically like… Giving this guy a glass of water.

Yeah. That was kind of an unfair exchange. Yeah. Boo. I don't like it. You did not get points for The Dragon Needs Anything Real Bad. No, The Dragon didn't need anything. There was no pearl, there was no C. No. Was it a tricky? I don't think he was. Yeah, I feel like The Dragon, I don't even feel like the dragon knew he was in that story. No. I don't think so. Dang. Dang.

Well, you know. They can't all be winners. They can't all be winners. Sometimes that's the way it goes. Yeah, that was… I liked the atmospheric telling of the story a lot. Yeah, me too. I definitely felt like it was a dark and stormy night and it was kind of cool, but it didn't really feel like there was anything at stake, even though it's sad that there was other houses, most other houses didn't make it. Right. People died, but I kind of wish that we'd gotten more of a procession of why is

Woo special? Was the dragon prince turned away at other homes and that's why Woo is special? I think that would have been cool to know because yeah, it just seemed… I feel like that would have imparted the lesson better. Also, I want to know more about this dragon horse. You should have told me more about the dragon horse. I wanted to know way less about Wu and his family and way more about the dragon horse. 100%. That's my fix.

I do love an old lady popping up and just giving wisdom and then going right back to sleep. Me too. But also that gave her less credit in a way. Just because she's old and she has wisdom. Hang on, there was a footnote about her that I didn't read. The footnote is, the Norse Vala makes similar complaint when awakened by Odin. It looks as if this is a Chinese story based on one about consulting a spirit of a wise woman

who sleeps in her tomb. There was a lot of it that sounded a little Nordic. Kind of, yeah. I wonder how much cultural exchange or crossover. Interesting. Or just like this is just a very common idea in human cultures. Yeah, absolutely. A lot of folktales transcend countries. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, I don't know. That was fine. The other stories in this book have been way better. I don't think that dragon was very – I wish – okay, the dragon should have been more monstrous. More monstrous. Agreed. For a book of monsters or whatever

it's called, Monstrous Tales. A very polite young man with a cool horse stopped by and Wu gave him a glass of water and so he decided not to flood his family's house. I think we need more. I think we deserve more. Agreed. Hear, hear. Hear, hear.

I think it's going to do it for us today. I think that was our first episode into 2025. Fucking cheers. Cheers, dude. We've been doing this for like five years. I'm proud of us. I know. I'm really proud of us. And I'm proud of you, listener, for sticking around for so long. If you're new, you know what? Welcome. Welcome, and we're proud of you too.

Or if you're not, I'll give up. Anyway. I'll give up. Okay. Anyway. I'll give up. I said good day. I said good day. Thank you so much for listening to Fairy Tale Fix. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe and leave us a review on Abler Stitcher. You can also have a five-star review on Spotify, which would be fantastic.

If you love the show and want to support us, you can get extra episodes, merch, books, and other cool bonus content at patreon.com forward slash fairy tale fix for about what you pay for a latte a month. You can also find us on Instagram at fairy tale fix pod. And please email us your favorite fairy tales, folklore, nursery rhymes, and other such things at info at fairytalefixpod.com. And so we heard about the awesome corn merchant

that fucking got half of whatever the Brahmin made because he was so honest and lived happily ever after. And also that that what else? There was a dance off at the end. Oh, yeah. Like a real one. Super cool dance off and it was described in much more detail. The Snake King got involved and even danced himself because he really didn't want to give up his boy toy.

It turned into a dance movie tournament. Oh, hell yes. It was epic and it was made into a super cool Bollywood movie and everyone sent it to us so we could watch it. Yeah. Amazing. Aspirational. In a dragon's favor, we got a little bit more of the dragon going to house to house and being rudely turned away by the greedy, shitty townspeople until he arrived at the house of Wu and he got his glass of water and he was like, damn, I won't destroy your house. Then he went back to his thunder palace in the sky and we got more information about the cool dragon horse and then also presumably the yellow dragon's hot wife. Oh yeah. And they all lived happily ever after the end.

The end.