Fairy Tale Fix - 102: The Crabfather

Episode Date: February 25, 2025

We are back this week with more shenanigans and WTF fairy tales for you! After a quick chat about our favorite mascots (AKA Crazy Crab who delights and horrifies), Abbie reads The Demon's Daughter, a tale that honestly could use a little more demon stuff in it. Kelsey then reads from her new book Japanese Folktales, The Quarrel of the Monkey and the Crab which shall be known hence forth as The Crabfather.

Can I immediately tell everyone to go look up that crab? Please, please do. Everybody pause this real fast and just go to Google or whatever your preferred search engine and type in. Mozilla Firefox, I believe is the only one not owned by a shitty billionaire. I believe what he's saying. But go search crab mascot and look at the Bay, what is it?

The Bay area? Is it a San Francisco? SFK. SFK. It's the crazy crab. This is the best mascot I've ever seen in my life and I need it in my life. Its eyes are like facing opposite directions. The pupil is falling off. It's starting to peel off one of the eyes.

Its face is on the bottom of its body like a horse. I think it is. It must be a horseshoe crab. It's supposed to be a horseshoe crab. But also like its face, it's clearly old, it's saggy, it's wrinkled, it's dirty. It's perfect. I love it so much. It's cursed. It's definitely cursed, that's for sure.

But it's my favorite thing I've ever seen in my life. And there's also a video that automatically pops up that it's like the worst mascot ever? Question mark. Question mark. Question mark. And you know what? I don't think the question mark need be there. I think it should be the worst mascot ever! Exclamation point. So we had when we were kids a mascot called Heater the Dragon. Uh-huh. Who rules? mascot called Heater the Dragon. Uh-huh, who rules?

If you look up Heater the Dragon Chico for the Chico Heat, this dragon is a perfect Robin Jacques dragon. He has a big pot belly. It's sticking out of his shirt. His tongue's lopped over his mouth. It's true. It looks like he's going, eh. Yeah, he's like, what the? What the?

It's so good. Jerky mascots forever. He's not cursed. I think heater just looks really friendly and happy and like a chubby baseball player. Well, he's like a Robin shock dragon. Exactly. But he doesn't look cursed the way the horseshoe crab does. The crazy crab is definitely cursed. I still love it. That's the best thing I've ever seen in my whole life.

I still think he's legit. I still think Heeter is the best mascot that I've ever seen in my entire life. And it could just be childhood nostalgia or the fact that I love dragons. But Heeter is the one. The crab is my favorite. I need everybody to comment. Okay, the last episode was comment Neptune. This is comment your favorite mascot that you've ever seen. Oh my God, guys. I need to like, or send us pictures via Instagram or Facebook or you can email us.

Please. Oh yeah, by the way, this is Fairy Tale Fix, the podcast. This is the What the Fuck podcast where Kelsey and I read each other what the fuck fairy tales and say what the fuck and then we fix them. But before we do that, we talk about random nonsense. Which is part of the show's charm, I think. 10 to 15 minutes of nonsense followed by like an hour of more nonsense, but like classical nonsense. Historical nonsense.

Historical, folklorish. Folklore. Folklore-ish nonsense. Historical, folklorish. Folklore. Folklore-ish nonsense. Yeah, please let us know the best mascot you've ever seen because Crazy Crab has my heart forever. Now like- Crazy Crab is going to haunt my nightmares. Mine too a little bit, but I'm okay with it. I'm checking to see if Crazy Crab has his own Instagram. When did they retire Crazy Crab? Because that will tell us. I know. I'm going to look up the lore and watch that video as soon as we're done here.

Then you have to report back so that all of us can understand the lore of Crazy Crab. I need to know. We shall see. I do have a really exciting, totally unrelated update that we were also talking about before this. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So as you know, we mentioned that we were going to donate 100% of our Patreon proceeds for November, December, and January.

Obviously, it is the end of February, hopefully. Maybe early, but we raised a total of $1,183.57 for causes that our patrons care about. So we put up a poll each month and said, hey, where do you want to donate? And we donated to the ACLU planned parenthood. And our last one for January, which I'm personally really stoked about was the Trevor project. Yay. Which is like a 24-7-hour hotline for LGBTQ youth. LGBTQ youth. I like LGBTQ youth.

Youth. Youth. For the Qth. I like LGBTQ youth. Youth. Youth. For the Qth. Do it for the Qth. Protect the Qth. But yeah, mainly for trans folks that are in crisis and they offer a 24 seven crisis hotline

that you can reach at 1-866-488-7386. So yeah, keep that phone number handy and dandy, share it far and wide. It's a really cool website. If you go on it, it even gives you like a little message that you can click escape three times and it will close the website right away. They're really legit. So I love this. I love this organization and we were really excited to donate to them last month. Good picks you all. Yeah.

Thank you so much. Yeah. Thank you so much for donating and helping us all feel like we're doing doing something. We love that for us. Yes, it's needed in these times, in these drying times. In these drying times. Cursed crabs and cursed crab mascots. Cursed crabs and money for the Cuth.

For the Cuth. Hashtag do it for the Cuth. Do it for the Ch. I like it. I fucking love it. Yeah, I'm going to say that all the time now. What have you got going on? How are you, Abby? Baby, I am tired down to my soul.

I am weary. I am straight up not having a good time, bro. For reasons, some of which are just the world at large, but honestly, I'm not gonna lie to anybody. Mostly have to do with my day job. I am tired. The moral of the story is that rich white men really do ruin everything they touch. They really, really do. They make everything about them. They are only interested in their own image. We're seeing that play out on a global stage at the moment, but I'm also seeing it play out on a micro stage within my own life. If you're a rich white man, you're fired.

You're fucking fired. You're fucking fired. Go away. It'd be like that sometimes. It'd be like that sometimes. It'd be like that all the fucking time. Oh, man. I'm so sorry. I'm in a dark mood.

I'm in a dark mood and I'm in a dark place. How are you? It's okay. It's okay. We get like that sometimes. I feel like I've, yeah, I don't know. I'm just trying to stay off social media a little bit more. I'm trying.

It's hard. You know what I've been really focusing on is... What? Like Duolingo. Oh, yeah. You're learning Danish. How is that going? Tell me more.

I got back into learning Duolingo or Danish via Duolingo Plus. Okay. So here's one of my favorite words in Danish. It is the word for soccer and it's fool butt. It just sounds like fool butt. Fool butt. Fool butt. So I really love saying that.

So like, if you're saying like, oh, he's playing football or sorry, not football, soccer. I mean, it's football in literally every other country but ours. Yeah. Football, American football is like full but Ameri-canks. I'm so bad at my pronunciation. Ooh, Ameri-canks. You could say like Han- Sounds like a slur. Oh my God, wait.

Hold on. I'm joking. It's probably not a slur. It just... So you could say Han spieler full butt sounds like he's playing full football. Mean far far spieler full butt. My grandfather plays football. I don't know.

Another one of my favorite things is the word someone in Danish. Oh, okay. It sounds exactly like no one. It sounds like no one. No one. It's N-O-G-E-N, it's no one. And what does it mean?

Someone. Okay. Anyway, it's very confusing. I love that. You are a chaos monster. You really thrive. Things that make me laugh, you know what? Let's go.

It's a dark time. I need that dopamine hit. Thanks. Please and thank you. Please and thank you. Chaos for Kelsey. I love that for you. Good for you. I like that you're kind of taking this time to learn something about other people and enrich yourself. And not like wallow. Well, it's also like, so Duolingo is like just the app on my phone. So I'm not trying to be like, oh, no more phone or like screen time. So instead of social media, I just like, I'm like, okay, I'm gonna click on something else, just click on something else. I feel like that's fine. I downloaded a stupid like pizza game that's like you just, and it was nothing but ads every literally every 30 seconds,

but I had a great time. Amazing. For like a whole evening, just letting myself rot my brain with like a pizza game instead of news about the world. I love it. I think that's actually such a great thing. Like just train yourself to click any app but the social media ones. Yeah. I downloaded a coloring book app. Ooh. Which is basically just, it's color by numbers

and you open up a pretty design and you just click on your screen and then pretty colors happen. And it's so soothing. I love it. Yeah. Oh my God, no one next. Yeah, I just was like, I need some,

cause I also deleted like TikTok. Right after it was banned, I deleted it. And then I was like, I don't know. I didn't like the message that they got. Like- Yeah, that was, that was so ass kissy. Yeah, I don't know. I just decided I don't need it at all. You know what?

I should actually probably stay off and do something else with my brain for a little bit. It doesn't have to be good for my brain. It just has to be different. Just has to be different and has to be like less dire. Less dire is good. There's my glowing advice. It's great advice.

It's really good for your mental health. You know what else is good for mental health? What? Reading folklore. Yes. This is my elegant segue. It's perfect. That's an excellent segue. It's perfect. That's an excellent segue.

Into telling you my story. Tell me what you're going to read. I'm going to tell you this story. It is once again from Monstrous Tales because I think my new thing is that if I read a book and the story in it was disappointing, I'm going to read it from the same book next episode and find something better. Yep. You know what? Yeah, that was kind of disappointing. It was. It was just kind of like, eh, whatever.

Which one have you chosen? And have you read it or are you blind reading? I have skimmed it and gotten the vibes to see if I was into the vibes. I like it. The answer is, I think this is an interesting story and TBD on whether or not we're into the vibes based on how it ends. Are you making predictions then?

I don't think I should because I've read too much of it to make predictions, but I also did not read it closely. Like I said, I've read too much of it to bank predictions, but I also did not read it closely. Like I said, I'm in a weird place. I was like, yeah, good enough. And then I... Fair. You know what? D for done. D for done. Our good old college days expression, you know what? Yeah. And it's accurate as hell. And you know what, gang? we're deeper done on everything right now, especially if

it has to do with work. Pat yourself on the back. You showed up. You did things, probably. And you're going to get to pay your bills this month. And deeper done. It's over. Why is the story called? The story is called The Demon's Daughter. Ooh. The Demon's Daughter. I bet she's hot. She is hot. Just look at this picture. It's a little blurry, but I am getting the vibes.

You get the vibes. It's giving me a legend. Ooh, it is giving legend. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm probably going to make all my predictions based off of that. I think that's a great idea.

So number one, a demon. Do you want me to tell you where it's from? Oh yeah. I mean, that's- I don't know if it'll help, but- It won't, but that's okay. This is a story from Syria. Geography corner time?

Geography corner. Syria is a Mediterranean nation. It is also in the Middle East. It borders Turkey to the south. It also borders Iraq and Jordan and Lebanon. And I think it might border so-called Israel. That definitely didn't help me with any predictions. No.

So. I didn't think it would, but I did want to give you just in case. Just in case. You know what, sometimes it does give me ideas. It doesn't change anything usually, unless it's an Irish fairy tale, then it'll change my mind.

Then you automatically know these vibes. Then I get specific, which by the way, next month, hey-o. Oh, just what we need. I need some Irish fairy tales, damn it. But that's not this month. My first prediction is, so it's called the demon's daughter. The demon's daughter. I guess the demon doesn't wanna marry his own daughter probably. I was gonna base it off of the legend.

I'm just gonna, the daughter, wait, a marriage is involved somehow, or the idea of marriage. I don't want to be like she gets married, but maybe like she's betrothed. You know what I mean? Like the theme of marriage. Okay. Okay. I just really-

Usually a pretty good bet in a story involving a woman. Okay. Okay. I just really- Usually a pretty good bet in a story involving a woman. My second prediction is that, there's a demon deal. Okay. And that's nothing to do with legend. Ooh, okay, my third prediction, there's a unicorn. Wow, we're swinging for the fences out here.

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please. God damn it. I want a unicorn so bad. Amazing. I honestly, I don't know if you're right or not because like I said, I skimmed the story. I know. Even just a one sentence throwaway about a unicorn would be good enough for me.

Okay. So I love the energy you're bringing to this. Thank you. Here we fucking go. Here we fucking go. Once upon a time, there were three sisters who had neither father nor mother. So it's already mysterious. Yeah. He adopts her. Oh, that's so cute. That's so cute. Daddy, daughter, love. Okay, sorry. I know, isn't it cute?

The idea of it. You've literally said one sentence. They washed wool and every day the eldest went to the market and sold it. And with the money she brought what they, and with the money she bought what they needed to drink and eat. One evening when the sisters were at home, they heard the mosque calling the sundown prayer, and the youngest said to the eldest, Get up and light the lamp. She began searching for matches,

but finding none, she took the lamp and climbed up to the terrace to go get a light from the neighbors. She went from house to house until she came to a terrace she didn't know. Stranger danger. And it's a demon, so it's just nothing but fire inside. So it's easy peasy and she can just get it and ski-daddle. You're not entirely wrong. She looked around her and found 41 lamps lit, 40 small ones and one big one. She lit her lamp from this one, but immediately she heard a voice coming from the lamp saying, You took fire from me. You will bear my child.

Whoa. I know. What the fuck? Is that how demons have babies? Oh my God. What a horrible way to get pregnant. Right? Well, well, I don't know.

The conventional way is pretty fun. It's not the worst. I suppose it's not the worst way to get pregnant now. The girl was still a virgin, so she didn't worry over these words. She's like, yeah, yeah, big talk. Big talk, big fella. And when she returned to her sisters, they said, where have you been? We've been sitting here without a light while you were visiting with the neighbors. Wow.

Wow. Is this girl's name Farah? Ungrateful. Her sisters were like, what are you even thinking doing? Well, you see, this is the eldest sister. So. Oh, yeah. So reverse. No, by God, I was not with the neighbors. But while I was looking for somewhere to light our lamp, something extraordinary happened to me. As I was walking along the

terraces, I suddenly found myself in a place I didn't know. And there I saw 40 small lamps, and in their midst one which is as big as the copper trough. I lit my lamp from it and then it spoke to me, you took fire from me, you will bear my child." She's saying that like, oh my God, listen to what this fucking lamp said. She did. She's saying, she's like Ray. Telling it so casually for something that's kind of like, it sounds so threatening. Are her sisters going to freak out? I think it'd be like, that's the house. Don't you

know about the house? Nope. This is why I chose this story because I just thought this was so funny. The sisters replied, did you hear this with your own ears? Do lamps talk now? That's such a sister reply. Yes, it is. It's such a sister reply. They're like, oh, lambs talk now? Okay. And they refused to believe it. Wow. Rude. Rude.

But six months later, they saw that their sister was big like a woman with child, and the three sisters cried copiously over it. But one night, when nine months had passed and they were celebrating he whose eye never closes and who never sleeps, the wall cracked open and a demon emerged and greeted them, but they fainted in their fear. The demon, who understood that they were afraid of him, fetched water to sprinkle on their faces until they came to, and then he said to them, Don't be afraid, girls. I'm your eldest sister's husband. The moment has come for her to give birth, and I will assist her. With these words,

he pulled a knife from his pocket. Don't be scared, shing!" -"Exactly!" -"I like this demon so far." -"Me too." -"Don't be scared, shing!" -"Shing!" So, he pulled a knife from his pocket and slit open his wife's side and said, "'Come, my daughter.'" And then the and slit open his wife's side and said, come my daughter. And then the baby emerged from her mother's side.

Aw, little Dina baby. Aw, no, body horror. I'm into horror. It doesn't faze me. Still, it's fucking sick. I want to see it.. I wanna see this movie. Being a woman is so much fun sometimes. I love having a uterus. It's a nonstop party having a uterus.

Nonstop party. So then he said to the mother, everything you desire, food, clothes, et cetera, will be yours. You need only say to yourself, I want such and such thing, and immediately it will be ready so that you need no longer wash wool or do any other work. I will go now, but in 15 years

I will see you again. Goodbye and may God protect you, he said. And with that, the demon disappeared. The demon said, may God protect you. That's weird. But I like how supportive he is. He's like, Hey, anything you need, baby girl. Anything you need, babe. Just say the word. Say the word, it'll show up. Also, in retrospect, it sounds like it wasn't hard for her to give birth and that she healed up real quick from that. It was a really easy, quick, it was a quick C-section, yoink the baby, everything's good.

All right. So, so far this actually seems like a pretty cool deal. Yeah, not bad. I mean, I guess like, what are you gonna do with a demon baby? That would be a funny movie. Three, three ladies and a demon baby. Three ladies trying to raise their demon baby. Yeah.

I'd watch it. I would 100% watch that. I'd watch that movie. Especially since like, you know, so far this is kind of cute. It is cute. So far. So far. So the woman raised her daughter and every time she desired something, she received it, and thus, 15 years passed. One beautiful day, the daughter asked her mother to go out walking with her for a little while. They walked, and when they had sat down on the bank of the river, the girl rose to wash her hands.

But with this movement, she let fall a gold bracelet adorned with precious stones. The child burst into tears over her bracelet, but her mother said, don't fret. Tomorrow we'll go to the goldsmith who will make you another. Get up and let go home. Your daddy will get you a new one. I mean, literally all you have to do is say, I want my gold bracelet back and boom. Like come on. Also like you're 15 and you're crying like chill out.

I don't know. And also you're a demon you're crying, like chill out. I don't know. And also you're a demon. I cry when I drop things. I cry when I lose stuff all the time as a woman of 34. There's people dying, Kim. Harsh but true. Now I know who I'm casting this in my head as so far. Wait, who?

I think I actually missed the reference. Oh, the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian. Oh, fuck. Okay. Oh my God. Kim Kardashian loses her diamond earring in the ocean and her sister is, I think it's her sister. I don't really pay that much of close attention to the Kardashians.

Whatever, one of her family members. To be honest, yeah, but she's like, people are dying, Kim. That's fucking hilarious. Because she lost one of her many diamond earrings. I think that's what it's a reference to. Don't quote me, I don't watch the Kardashians. I know it from memes.

I do love the idea of casting the three sisters as the Kardashian sisters though. I think that's so funny. We're doing it. Okay. There's people dying, Kim. That's good. Okay. So they left the beach, but later the king's son came to the same pathway and sat on the riverbank. He spotted something shining in the water and commanded one of his servants to go down and bring him back the bracelet. That's one way to do it. Great. Be rich.

Be rich, get richer. Yeah. A happy ending for the rich people. A happy ending for everyone. How. A happy ending for everyone. How original, the rich are happy. This is a horror story, go on. Okay, so the servant goes and gets it and the prince is very surprised and said to himself, ah, it is women like the mistress

of this bracelet who are worth tears and complaints and neither silver nor gold. So like randomly judgy. I don't know. Like, oh, there's a rich lady around. There's a rich, whiny woman around here somewhere. She doesn't deserve this gold bracelet. So then he called his servants and ordered them to bring his horse. He mounted it without paying heed to anyone else and sick and slumped over, he returned to the palace. Why is he sick? This is where we're getting into the bits. I only skimmed. It's cursed now. Okay.

I hope so. Wouldn't that be great? Yeah. I mean, it is a demon. We haven't really got into that part of it yet. She's a demon's daughter. Demon shit better start happening soon. I want some heads to start spinning around. So the prince is sick and when his mother asked him what was wrong, he replied, oh mother, if you love me, you will bring me the mistress of this bracelet so I may marry her.

Yep. Yep. Yep. There you go. Now we're talking. Mm hmm. A lady this fine. A lady this fine.

I must make mine. Ooh. His mother took the bracelet and began her search all along the streets of Damas, Damas, Damas, Damas, whatever. Um, Do you want me to look it up? No, I'm pretty sure it's Damascus. Because that's in Syria. I'm looking at a map of Syria and it says so right there. Well, there you go. That's probably the one. Anyway, but it just says damn it. It's like how everybody calls Sacramento Sacktown.

Sacktown. Great. I'm kidding. They don't call it that. It just says that at the airport. I know. That's what makes it so fucking funny. No one calls it that. It just says that at the airport.

I know. That's what makes it so fucking funny. No one calls it that. It's called Sacktown. But for whatever reason, the marketing and architecture people at the Sacramento airport want people to call it Sacktown. They want it so bad. It's so good. You know what? I feel like it's made me start saying Sacktown. You know what? It's catching on because it's so fucking funny. It's like that crab mascot. Full circle. Okay, okay. Sorry. I'm gonna let you finish. I'm gonna let you finish now.

Thank you. She takes the bracelet and begins her search in all the streets of D-town. At every house she passed. At every house she passed, she asked, "'Is there anyone here to whom this bracelet belongs?' All admired the bracelet, but she always received a negative reply until she arrived at a house in which she found a young girl

who was as beautiful as the rising sun. Uh-huh. Oh, so it's like a Cinderella story. Hell yeah. But isn't she still a demon's daughter? Fuck yeah, she is. Okay. It's the evil Cinderella. Heck yeah. I hope.

One hopes. Yes, certainly. Except she's not poor and people aren't mean to her. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, so there aren't a lot of parallels. She's a demon's daughter, which means she grew up in wealth and privilege. Yeah. Yeah.

When she had greeted the girl and the girl greeted her in return, she asked after the owner of the bracelet. Yes, certainly I know her, the girl said. It is I, myself. And then her mother arrived and as they conversed, the queen asked her if she would like to give her daughter's hand to the prince. And she replied, It is impossible for me to answer either yes or no. But when her father arrives, I'll consult with him and tomorrow you will

have our reply. The demon 100% would want his daughter to marry because they wanna control everything. 100%, yeah. Yeah. Although I'm wondering if demon means something different in like Arabic culture. Like demon might not mean from hell,

like it might mean like minor god or deity or something. Totally. We'll find out. We'll find out. Maybe. If they don't start doing traditional demon shit, I'm going to assume, yeah, it's just like a fey creature, essentially. Yeah, yeah. I think that that's kind of the vibe because the queen leaves and one hour had hardly passed when the wall cracked open and the demon emerged. Cool. Daddy's home. Daddy's home.

When they had greeted each other and he had kissed his daughter, the mother told him of the queen's proposition and asked if he would consent. Yes, he said, but for the bride price, you must ask the fiance for 40 camel loads of silver. Whoa. That's a lot of silver. What's 40 camel loads of silver in today's wedding? I don't know. Look it up.

Holy shit, that's a lot of silver. A fuck ton, I imagine. If he gives you this, you may marry off my daughter without hesitation. Then he addressed his daughter, I will give you a piece of advice which you must never neglect, which she totally will, obviously. And when she had assured him, she would not. He continued, when your husband visits you, you must not speak a word to him until he says, I beseech you by your father, the master of the lamps. If he says these words, you may speak to him, but if he does not, you will

never ever speak to him, even if you stay with him for 100 years. That's so specific. Why do you want that? Like, how would he know that? Can she write this hint down? Does that count as speaking to him? Can she tell her mother to tell him? Oh, can she tell the fireplace? Yeah. Oh. When in doubt, tell the fireplace. When in doubt, yes, absolutely. By my head and by my eye, she said, and then the demon departed.

The next morning, the queen arrived and asked them for their definitive answer, and having heard it, she asked how much they wished for the bride price. After learning that they were asking for 40 camel loads of silver, she returned. Exactly the right amount! God damn it. That's lucky. No, no, no. The queen asks the family, how much do you want for her bride price? Oh, and she says this is our price. Yes, exactly. No, she should have went higher so they had something to negotiate.

Well, some people aren't smart, Kelsey. Not everyone's as smart as you are. Well, my listening comprehension skills aren't always with it. I thought that was what they were offering and I was like, right off the bat, damn. Nope. Okay. That's the price. You got to go higher. Yeah. I thought the like, come on, where's the haggling? Okay, so they want 40 camel loads of silver. And so the queen returns and informs her son of this reply.

And immediately he called his lackeys and ordered them to prepare 40 loads. And when everything was ready, he sent them with the soldiers and the lackeys and bade it be said that he wished to celebrate the marriage that very night. When the family had consented, he stayed in the palace until the evening and then presented

himself at his fiance's house. He found her as beautiful as the rising sun, but when he spoke to her, she did not reply. He was surprised and thought she was mute. But when he recounted this to his mother the next day, she said, No, my son, your wife is not mute. By God, she twitters like a bird. She won't shut up. That's so good. She twitters like a bird. But she just doesn't speak to him. They spent a year in this way. But as she never spoke to him, he decided to marry a second woman. You won't talk to me. I need someone to talk to me.

Oh, he needs somebody to talk to. He's lonely. The new bride wished to see her rival. She went to visit her and when she greeted her, the other bride returned the greeting and was not mute at all. She's like, hey, girl, what's up? Because the demon's daughter is a girl's girl. Absolutely. This is in our heads, she is. She needs a name.

They all need names. I know. This is my fix. Also, what are you talking about? Her name is Kim. Fair enough. fair enough. Who is this other woman going to be, Paris? Oh, I love it. Yes. Great. This is strange, Paris said to herself. Here is a girl such as this who is married to the king's son and who nevertheless never speaks to him. The demon's daughter called a slave and commanded her to bring the meal so that she might dine with her guest. She did not know it was the prince's concubine. And the slave brought them various dishes.

Oh my God. It's like a whole girl's girl meeting right now. I love that. They're all going to start spilling the tea. But as she presented the dishes, she let one fall on the floor and it broke. Man, there are plans within plans within plans because now the slave girl was dropping things. Yeah. The dish was of emeralds and zircons and had no equal in the collections of all the kings of all the world. Seeing it was broken, the mistress took a whip and began to whip the slave and continued until she cried out, I am under the protection of your father, the master of the lamps. And hearing these, I

know the plot thickens. I love it. And gets, you know, a little. Also but like Barf, who decided to make a plate? What the fuck? Made of like, encrusted with jewels. Right. That's dumb.

And then you overburdened this poor servant girl. Yeah. And yeah, I don't know. I feel like this is one of those fairy tales where everyone is behaving poorly. Except for this servant girl, she just accidentally dropped a dish. Yeah. Well, I don't know. Or did she? He made it she just accidentally dropped a dish. Yeah. Well, I don't know. Or did she?

He made it sound like she had a plot. Because she is working for the demon. But anyway, after hearing these words, her mistress stopped whipping her and let her go. So that's nice, I guess. The rival. Oh, sorry. My daddy. Oh, you know my daddy. He worked for my daddy. So the rival who heard them went home and said to the king, which the footnote here

is quick to assure us, the king is the prince. Thank you. But some time has passed, I guess, and he's king now. footnote here is quick to assure us. The king is the prince. Thank you. But some time has passed, I guess, and he's king now. And the text made absolutely no mention of this. Anyway, but she said to the king, Sire, today I visited your wife and I dined with her. She twitters like birds and is not mute at all. She won't shut the fuck up. On the contrary, I observed a little episode. Her slave who was presenting the dishes to us let one fall and it broke. So her mistress took a whip and began to whip

her. But the slave cried out, I am under the protection of your father, the master of the lamps. And at those words, she suddenly stopped hitting her. It was crazy. Bing. Bing. Yeah. She suddenly stopped hitting her. It was crazy. Bing. It was bing. Yeah. The king meditated on these words and thought, by God, I will say these words to her

and then perhaps she will talk. That's quite a logical leap. He's still really into it though. He went to her and said, my dear, I am your slave and I'm going to die because of you. I beseech you by your father, the master of the lamps, speak to me even if it is only one word." Wow. And when she heard these words, which her father had told her about, she replied to the king,

my dear, you are my soul and my heart. And the couple embraced each other. Aw. Happy Valentine's Day. God, happy Valentine's Day. It's so romantic. Here is- You know just what to say. Oh my God, that would be the Valentine's Day card for this is you know just what to say. You know just what to say. And then the quote that's like super long right underneath.

That's so funny. I beseech thee. I beseech thee by your father, the master of the lamps speak to me. But here is the end of the tale. If it is good, you will give me a round cake and if it is not, you will hang me from the mulberry tree at the end. I don't know if I would say that like totally ruled,

I don't know if I would say that like totally ruled, but no. I thought it wasn't bad. It was fun, but there was one. Okay. It needed more demon shit. A thousand percent more demon shit. Where are her powers? I was right that the theme of marriage was involved somehow. You were.

Good job. At one point, there was a no demon deal. Was there? No, no, that's not a deal. I would grant it to you because she used his lamp to light her fire and he said, you used my fire. You're going to make a baby for me now. You know what?

I forgot about that part. You're right. I get that point. I think that counts. You are generous. I am benevolent. So I got, okay. Yeah, I got two points then. So theme of marriage and demon deal.

There was no unicorn. And that is my fix for the story. Ooh, unicorn. Okay. A unicorn would come as they were hugging at the very end of unicorn runs in and steps in both. Amazing. God, I don't know. There wasn't enough demon shit happening. I agree. I agree because like I, okay, so like,

I'm so confused. Why did the demon want this daughter? I feel like there needs to be, I think the daughter needs more of a destiny than becoming, you know, queen. Or if her destiny is to be queen, there needs to be like some demon-y reasons why. The daughter has to have some demon powers because she's half demon. Yeah.

Obviously. You should talk like being able to control unicorns. Yeah. Ooh, love it. Or she can turn into a unicorn. I would love that so much. And also like why, why? Like why the entire end of the story?

Like why did he need to say these words to her for her to be able to speak to him? Outside of the demons a puckish control freak, which can also be funny. But then I want to hear his side of the story. More demon shit. More demon shit. More demon shit. I want to know what the slave girl, I want to know her story. Yeah, she's serving, she serves her father? Was she hired by her father to watch her? Was she a spy?

Is she also half-demon? What happened to the mother? Who cares? What happened to the three sisters? Why weren't they hanging out? Right, I don't know. The story is full of holes. Full of holes? It's full of holes.

All right. Well, are you ready for my story? I am ready for your story. Good, because I feel like it's really satisfying. It is from a new book that I got. I'm super excited about it. It's called Japanese Folk Tales. Oh, yeah.

I have a copy of that too. Oh, yeah. With the called Japanese Folk Tales. Oh yeah, I have a copy of that too. Oh yeah, with the baby. Yeah, yep. That's the one that I read my Lord Bag of Rice out of. Oh nice. Yeah, so I'm excited to see what else is in there because I haven't done another one. It's got some good ones. I'm really stoked.

And I read like a few of them and I decided, it's always like the title that I don't think is going to be a good story that ends up being my favorite. Mm-hmm. This is called The Quarrel of the Monkey and the Crab. Ooh, okay. My literal thoughts when I saw that were, what do a monkey and a crab have to quarrel about? The monkey and the crab.

All I can think of is the monkey bride group. But it's probably going's probably a bit different. Oh, and it's from Japan, obviously. Right. Have we done a Japan geography corner? I don't know. I can't remember. Do one. Do one for fun. I'm going to anyway because I'm curious. Do one. Do one for fun. I'm curious. So Japan's like this little tiny island, like millions and millions and millions of people live on. I think Japan's really cool. It has some really cool history. I remember one of the creation myths was that somebody dipped a spear in the ocean and that's what created the islands of Japan.

Ooh, okay. I'm pretty sure. Don't quote me on that, but that's something from our college days and I thought it was super cool. It is east of Korea, North and South Korea, obviously, and it is. It also borders Russia. There's an ocean, there's the Sea of Japan, if we can believe Google Maps. I mean, apparently we can't because they'll call it whatever. Give me three predictions for the quarrel of the monkey and the crab.

The crab's quarrel, they're fighting because the crab doesn't want to be eaten. Be eaten? What's your second prediction? There's treasure. Treasure. And three. Marriage is a theme. Marriage is a theme.

Okay. Without further ado, I need to stop saying that, but I love it. It's still funny. I'm still laughing. Without further ado. The quarrel of the monkey and the crab. Long, long ago, one bright autumn day in Japan, it happened that a pink-faced monkey and a yellow crab were playing together along the bank of a river. As they were running about, the crab found a rice dumpling and the monkey a persimmon seed. The crab picked up the rice dumpling and showed it to the monkey saying, look what a nice thing I have found. Then the monkey held up the persimmon seed and said, I have found

something good. Look. Or I also have found. So they're both like, check it out. Check out my treasure Check out my treasure Okay, you do get a point for that. I'm telling you right now Though the monkey is always very fond of persimmon fruit He had no use for the seed he had just found the persimmon seed is hard and uneatable Like a stone he therefore in his greedy nature felt very envious of the crab's delicious rice dumpling.

Yes, indeed. And he proposed an exchange. The crab naturally did not see why he should give up his prize for a hard stone-like seed and would not consent to the monkey's proposition. Then the cunning monkey began to persuade the crab, stone-like seed and would not consent to the monkey's proposition. Then the cunning monkey began to persuade the crab, saying, How unwise you are not to think of the future!

Your rice dumpling can be eaten now and is certainly much bigger than my seed, but if you sow this seed in the ground, it will soon grow and become a great tree in just a few years and bear an abundance of fine ripe persimmons year after year. If only I could show it to you then with the yellow fruit hanging on its branches. Of course, if you don't believe me, I shall sow it myself though I am sure later on you'll be very sorry that you did not take my advice. I was wondering if this was going to be the final ultimate lesson of the story, but I

love that the monkey is like, nah, I know what this persimmon seed could be already. I want the dumpling. Yep. Yep. Instant gratification, which I mean, you can blame him. Absolutely. I want the dumpling too. I want dumplings.

I'm hungry. I know this sounds so good. Fat persimmons and rice dumplings sounds so good right now. And also, I think this is rude, but the simple-minded crab could not resist the monkey's clever persuasion. Well, crabs don't really have brains like that. They got tough exoskeletons. They are the bugs of the sea. Aww, I love crabs. He at last gave in and consented to the monkey's proposal and the exchange was made.

The greedy monkey soon gobbled up the dumpling and with great reluctance gave up the persimmon seed to the crab. He would have liked to keep both too, but he was afraid of making the crab angry and of being pinched by a sharp scissor-like claws. Yeah, yeah. They then separated, the monkey going home to his forest trees and the crab and his stones along the riverside.

As soon as the crab reached home, he put this persimmon seed in the ground as the monkey had told him. In the following spring, the crab was delighted to see the shoot of a young tree push its way up through the ground. Each year it grew bigger. Till last it blossomed one spring. In the following autumn for some fine large persimmons.

Oh, okay. Which I love persimmons. They're delicious. I like the hard crunchy ones that are like apples and I like the big fat ones that you can use for like baking and stuff. Delicious. A multifaceted fruit.

It really is. I had the best. Along the broad, smooth green leaves, the fruit hung like golden balls and as they ripened, they mellowed to a deep orange. It was the little crab's pleasure to go out day by day and sit in the sun and put out his long eyes in the same way a snail puts out his horn and watch the persimmons ripening to perfection.

So cute! So cute! How delicious they will be to eat, he said to himself. At last, one day, he knew the persimmons must be quite ripe, and he wanted very much to taste one. He made several attempts to climb the tree in the vain hope of reaching one of the beautiful persimmons being above him. But he failed each time. We didn't think it through! Because the crab's legs are not made for climbing trees, but only for running along the ground over stones, both of which he can do most cleverly.

That shitty monkey is going to hold this over him somehow. Abby, I'm so excited for you to hear the rest of this. Good God. Okay, go on. In his dilemma, he thought of his old playmate, the monkey, who he knew could climb trees better than anyone else in the world. Damn straight. He determined to ask the monkey to help him and set out to find him. Running crab fashion along the Stony River bank.

I love that they explicitly like, he's running like crab. Because he's a crab. Because he's a crab. Over the pathways into the shadowy forest, the crab at last found the monkey taking an afternoon nap in his favorite pine tree. With his tail curled tight around a branch to prevent him from falling off in his dreams. He was soon wide awake, however, and when he heard himself called, eagerly listening to what the crab had told him. When he heard that the seed, which he had long ago exchanged for a rice dumpling,

had grown into a tree and was now bearing good fruit, he was delighted. How excited. For he'd once devised a cunning plan which would give him all the persimmons for him. Son of a bitch monkey. This is a son of a bitch monkey. He consented to go with the crab to pick the fruit for him. Son of a bitch monkey! This is a son of a bitch monkey. He consented to go with the crab to pick the fruit for him. When they both reached the spot, the monkey was

astonished to see what a fine tree had sprung from the seed and with what a number of ripe persimmons the branches were loaded. He quickly climbed the tree and began to pluck and eat as fast as he could, one persimmon after the other. This monkey sucks! That's so funny though. Each time he chose the best and ripest he could find and went on eating until he could eat no more. Not one would he give to the poor hungry crab waiting below, and when he had finished, there was a little but hard unripe fruit left. You can imagine the feelings of the poor crab after waiting patiently for so long as he had done for the tree to grow and the fruit to ripen, and when he saw the monkey

devouring all of the good persimmons, he was so disappointed that he ran around the tree calling up to the monkey to remember his promise. The monkey at first took no notice of the crab's complaints, but at last he picked up the hardest, greenest persimmon he could find and aimed it at the crab's head. The persimmon is as hard as a stone when it is unripe. The monkey's missile struck home and the crab was sorely hurt by the blow. Oh my god! Again and again, as fast as he could pick them, the monkey pulled off the hard persimmons

and threw them at the defenses crab till he dropped dead, covered with wounds all over his body. What the fuck? Exactly. There he lay a pitiful site at the foot of the tree he had planted himself. This is truly a what the fuck fairy tale. What the fuck? I mean, like this is, okay, well now it's shaping up into a metaphor about like choosing your friends carefully.

Just wait, God damn it, I love the story. Oh no, there's more. When the wicked monkey saw that he had killed the crab, he ran away from the spot as fast as he could and feared and it's trembling like a coward he was. Son of a bitch. He's a son of a bitch monkey. Now the crab had a son who had been playing with a friend.

Oh, excellent. Avenge me, Junior. This story is so random. It's my absolute favorite. Go on. Now the crab had a son who had been playing with a friend not far from where the spot, the sad work had taken place.

On the way home, he crossed his father dead in a most dreadful condition. His head was smashed and his shell broken in several places and around his body lay the unright persimmons which they had done their deadly work. At this dreadful site, the poor young crab sat down and wept. It's like the scene from Lion King. Father. Don't say things like that. Dad, we gotta go home.

No, don't do that to me. I will cry. Kelsey, I'm this close to crying this week. Don't do that to me. I'm sorry. I promise it gets, I don't know if it gets better. It gets better. Okay. I'm going to amuse myself by imagining a crab sitting. That'll cheer me up. Oh my God. I just started thinking about the crab mascot again. Oh my God, listeners, Kelsey is red in the face. She is laughing so hard. She is bent over double wheezing.

I just started thinking about the crab mascot again. I'm glad that we talked about the crab mascot today on this of all days. I didn't even think about that. Okay. I have tears in my eyes. Okay. Uh-huh. Stupid.

Is this cock for you? I have tears in my eyes. Okay. Uh-huh. Stupid crab mascot. Is this cock for you? It is right now. That stupid crab mascot. I'm imagining him getting built with persimmons. Okay. I can totally handle reading the rest of the story. Oh my God.

I love crabs, guys. I believe. Oh gosh. Okay. All right. I'm sad. I feel bad. I'm laughing, but really it is very sad. Right. The crab is dead. His father is dead. Right. But when he had wept for some time, he told himself that crying would do no good. It was his duty to avenge his father's murder. Fuck yes.

And this he determined to do. Get him, Junior. And now he's got like a little detective hat and a magnifying glass. Oh, cute. He looked about for some clue which would lead him to discover the murderer. Looking up at the tree, he noticed the best fruit had gone, and all that around lay bits of peel and numerous seeds strewn about the ground, as well as the unripe persimmons which

had evidently been thrown at his father. Then he understood that the monkey was the murderer. For now, he remembered that his father had once told him the story of the rice dumpling in the persimmon seed. Okay, Sherlock. He remembers the story. From long, long ago. The story is so random.

The young crab knew that the monkey, the young crab knew that monkeys like persimmons above all other fruit. And he felt sure that his greed for the coveted fruit had been the cause of the old crab's death. Alas. Is the Miami Vice thing going to happen now? Oh my gosh. Okay.

I love this story. He at first thought of going to attack the monkey at once, for he burned with rage. Second thoughts, however, told him that this was useless, for the monkey was an old and cunning animal and would be hard to overcome. He must meet cunning with cunning and ask some of his friends to help him, for he knew that it would be quite out of his power to kill him alone. The young crab set out at once to call on the mortar, his father's old friend, and told him all that had happened. He besought the mortar. His name is, so it that had happened. He saw the mortar. His name is, so it's like a nickname, like the mortar. So I feel like this crab's like,

yeah, that's like his nickname. It's another crab friend. It's another crab who's nicknamed the mortar. Oh my God, is he putting together a team? He's putting together a crack team to go, to go mur merc this monkey. Oh, fuck yes, they're going to go merc the monkey. The son of a bitch monkey. Son of a bitch monkey.

He besought the mortar with tears to help him avenge his father's death. The mortar was very sorry he had heard the woeful tale and promised it once to help the young crab punish the monkey to death. He warned him that he must be very careful what he did, for the monkey was strong and cunning. Okay. The mortar now sent to fetch the bee and the chestnut, also the crab's old friends. Oh my God! I know, it's like...

Everybody's got a cool nickname. It's the crab's old friends. It's just like, oh my God. I know, they're getting the gang back together. I fucking love this. They're getting the band back together. This is Kings of the Wild crab edition. In a short time, the bee and the chestnut arrived and they were all told the details

of the crab's old death and the chestnut arrived, and they were all told the details of the crab's old death and the monkey's wickedness and greed. They both gladly consented to help the young crab and his revenge. After talking for a long time as the ways and means of carrying out their plans, they separated, and Mr. Mortar, now he's Mr. Mortar, went home with the young crab

to help him bury his poor father. Oh. That's sad. I'm still sad. He never got to taste even one of his persimmons. Not even one, because the monkey is a wicked monkey. Life is unfair. When all this was taking place, the monkey was congratulated himself, as the wicked often

do before their punishment becomes upon them. Hell, yeah. On all that he had done so neatly, and do before their punishment becomes upon them. On all that he had done so neatly, he thought it quite a fine thing that he had robbed his friend of all of his rape persimmons and that he had killed him. Still smile as hard as he might, he could not banish altogether the fear of the consequences should his evil deeds be discovered. If he were found out, and he told himself this could not be, for he had escaped unseen, the Krabs family would be sure to bear him hatred and seek revenge on him. I mean, you know, he's not wrong. He's not wrong.

Yeah. So he's paranoid as fuck, basically. Is it paranoia if it's true? Is it paranoia if it's true? That's a good question. He's just continuing to be a cunning and correct monkey. And he thinks he's scared for a couple days and then he's like, I must be free again. And decides to go out. He convinces himself. No one knows that it was I who killed the crab. I'm sure that old thing breathed his last breath before I left him. Dead crabs have no mouths. Who is there to tell that I am the murderer? Since no one knows, what is the use of

shutting myself up and brooding over the matter? What is done cannot be undone. Yeah. Just like a narcissistic psychopath. Just keep that justification machine going. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. With this, he wandered out into the crab settlement and kept about slyly as possible near the crab's house and tried to hear the neighbors gossip roundabout. So he's still like trying to hear what they're talking. He's still paranoid. Of course.

He's not paranoid. He's being smart because those crabs are coming for revenge. Yeah, they are. He wanted to find, oh my God, I love this part of the story so much. He wanted to find out what the crabs were saying about their chief's death for the old crab had been the chief of the tribe. Oh, and by the way, he was also the chief. By the way, that's why he has all these old friends. Like, lore drop. I love it so much, it's the best.

But the monkey heard nothing and said to himself, They are all such fools that they don't know and don't care who murdered their chief. Little did he know in his so-called monkey's wisdom that the seeming unconcern was part of the young crab's plan. Devious, devious little crab. So cute. He purposely pretended not to know who killed his father and also to believe that he had met his death through his own fault. By this means he could better keep the secret of revenge on the monkey, which he was meditating. So the monkey returned home from his walk,

quite content. He told himself he had now nothing to fear. One fine day, when the monkey was sitting at home, he was surprised by the appearance of a messenger from the young crab. While he was wondering what this might mean, the messenger bowed before him and said, I have been sent by my master to inform you that his father died the other day and falling from a persimmon tree while trying to climb the tree after fruit.

This being the seventh day is the first anniversary after his death and my master has prepared a little festival in his father's honor and bids you come to participate as you were one of his best friends. My master hopes you will honor his house with your kind visit. Wow.

Devious. I love it. The plan is in motion. Cue the Expendables theme song. Yeah, there you go. When the monkey heard these words, he rejoiced in his inmost heart, for all his fears of being suspected were now at rest.

He could not guess that a plot had just been set in motion against him. He pretended to be very surprised at the news of the crab's death and said, I am indeed very sorry to hear of your chief's death. We were great friends, as you know. I remember we once exchanged a rice dumpling for a persimmon seed. It grieves me much to think that that seed was in the end cause of this death.

I accept your kind invitation with many thanks. I shall be delighted to do honor to my poor old friend." And he screwed some false tears from his eyes. Oh, he's really working it. Yeah, because he's a son of a bitch. The messenger laughed inwardly and thought, the wicked monkey is now dropping false tears, but within a short time he shall shed real ones. But aloud, he thanked the monkey politely and went home. I love that line so much. Delightful. Within a short time, he'll shed real ones. He'll shed real tears. Motherfucker. Motherfucker. When he had gone, the Wicked Monkey laughed aloud

at what he thought was the young crab's innocence, and without the least feeling, began to look forward to the feast to be held at the day in honor of the dead crab to which he had been invited. He changed his dress and set out solemnly to visit the young crab. He found all of the members' crab's family and his relatives waiting to receive and welcome him.

As soon as the boughs of meeting were over and they had led him to the hall, here the young chief mourner came to receive him. Expressions of condolence and thanks were exchanged between them and they all sat down to a luxurious feast and entertained the monkey as the guest of honor. The feast over, he was next invited to this tea ceremony room to drink a cup of tea. When the young crab had conducted the monkey to the tea room, he left him and retired. Time passed, and still he did not return. At last the monkey became impatient.

He said to himself, the tea ceremony is always a very slow affair. I am tired of waiting so long. I'm very thirsty after drinking so much sake at the dinner. Wow. Because he's also an indiscreet monkey in addition to being a wicked one. Yep. Lousy son of a bitch drunk monkey.

He's literally the worst. He then approached the charcoal fireplace and began to pour some hot water from the kettle boiling there when something burst out from the ashes with a great pop and hit the monkey right in the neck. It was the chestnut, one of the crab's friends who had hidden himself in the fireplace. The monkey, taken by surprise, jumped backward and started to run out of the room. The bee, who was hiding outside the screens, now flew and stung him on the cheek. The monkey was in great pain. His neck was burnt by the chestnut and his

face badly stung by the bee, but he ran out screaming and chattering with rage. Now the stone mortar had hidden himself with several other stones on the top of the crab's gate, and as the monkey ran underneath, the mortar and all fell down on top of the monkey's head. Was it possible for the monkey to bear the weight of the mortar falling on him from the top of the gate? No! He lay crushed and in great pain, quite unable to get up. As he lay there, the helpless young crab came up and holding his great claw, scissors over

the monkey, he said, Do you now remember that you murdered my father? Fuck yeah! Then you are my enemy, gasped the monkey brokenly. Of course, said the young crab. It was your father's fault, not mine, gasped the unrepentant monkey. Amazing.

Can you still lie? I'll soon put an end to your breath. And with that, he cut the monkey's head off with his pincher claws. Woo! Thus, the wicked monkey met his well-merited punishment and the young crab avenged his father's death. And this is the end of the story of the monkey,

the crab, and the persimmon seed. The end. No. Woo! Woo! Wasn't that glorious? That fucking ruled. Twist and turns. That was basically the Godfather. I know, right?

They had like cool ass nicknames like the Mortar and the Bee and the Chestnut. Fuck yes. That was a mafia movie. That was so fucking good. It was so good. I loved it. Thank you for that. I'm glad you liked it. That has lifted my spirits. No notes, no nothing, no fixes, no nothing. That was great. I love, it was so random. It was like, oh, and he had a son and oh, by the way, he was the chief.

By the way, he was the chief of the crabs. Yeah, the lore of the crab just kept growing and growing. And he had all of these friends and his friends all had cool nicknames and they decided to come out of retirement. Glad you liked it. I know that one was, I feel like it was a little bit longer than I anticipated. Who cares? That fucking ruled.

I know, that was so good. That was a great story. I'm going to have to work hard for next episode because I got to get back on my group and find great stories again because that was so fucking fun. I know. I read a lot to find that one. And honestly, I read it and I was like the coral, the monkey and the crab. I wasn't super stoked to read it and it turned out to be the best one.

And it absolutely slapped. It was so cool. That was amazing. I feel like that's really like a theme in fairy tales. The least interesting the name, the better the story. I don't know. I think you're exactly right. I think no points. No, there was treasure. Oh, there was treasure. I got one point. Yeah. The persimmon seed and his friends. Oh.

And the power of friendship. Oh my gosh. The power of friendship was a treasure. Glad you like it. Yeah, I have zero fixes. Other than like maybe it ends with the young crab and his friends like eating a persimmon in his father's honor. Oh, that's sweet. I know. It's so sad. When as soon as the monkey fucking starts murdering the crab, I was just like screaming at the book like, what the fuck is happening?

Wait a minute. I have a fix. Okay. That's great. It's just to kind of increase the monkey's growing unease as he sits down. He's waiting and he's waiting and maybe a servant comes in and the servant serves him one of… Because he threw unripened persimmons. Serves him a persimmon. Yes, exactly. Serves himed persimmons. Oh, he serves them up for simmon. Yes, exactly. He serves them up for simmon. Oh, yes. That's such a good fix.

That's fucking perfect. That's so good. And he's like, no, they can't possibly know. So the monkey like shakily gets up to pour himself a cup of tea. Yes. And that's when- That's when he gets hurt. That's when Chestnut fucking gets him.

Bam. Chestnut hiding in the fireplace. That's so funny. It's amazing. All right. That's so funny. It's amazing. All right. It's incredible. I love it so much. I think that, on that note, is there a higher note

to end on than a story that slaps that fucking hard? I think not. I think not. I think not. So, what else can we do but call it? Thank you so much for listening to our show. We really appreciate everybody who comes back episode after episode to listen to us tell each other some truly like what the actual hell is going on here stories. If you want more of our nonsense,

you can find us on Instagram at fairy talefixpod. You can find us on our Discord. If you really want more of our nonsense and are willing to part with $3 or more, you can head over to our Patreon, which is patreon.com forward slash fairy talefixpod. Let's see, you should absolutely leave a review on this episode. I think the theme of the day is, what was it? It was comment, your favorite mascot. Yeah. Oh yeah, the most unhinged mascot. Oh, by the way, shout out. Thank you so much, Rabia, for telling us that your planet is Mars. Oh, thank you. I love that so much.

Okay, Rabia. Love it. That was so great reasoning. I love it so much. Thanks. What was Rabia's reasoning? So Rabia said her favorite planet is Mars because she's an Aries and has always been because she's an Aries and has always been Sailor Mars, but Pluto is also an alternate ego. Oh, okay. Oh, and also, shout out, Rabia had some really great Bollywood suggestions.

Fabulous, okay. Some movie suggestions, so we're gonna watch those for sure. And then also some actresses to play the role of the princess in the Ruby Prince. And I let her know that she is officially hired as our contracted casting director. Yeah, Rob is now our casting director

for all of our fairy tale films. Yep. Yeah, when we build our empire of fairy tale content. Yep. Yep. As soon as Hollywood gets on it. They'll know. They'll learn. Yeah. Yeah. And I think, oh yeah, you can, if you have other things you want to tell us that you don't

want to leave in a review, you can always email us at info at fairytalefixpod. And we love you all very much and thank you for checking us out. And so what even was my fix? More demon stuff, basically, is the be all and end all of what I want from that story. More demon things, particularly having to do with Kim, the demon's daughter, being able to turn into a unicorn, or she has fun demonic powers with which she continues to amass golden jewels because she is, after all, a Kardashian. And the monkey right before his death was served a persimmon just to really fuck with him right in the end

and get him real scared. And that's when he got pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, by chestnut and beef and the mortar. And finally the young crab who needs a sweet ass nickname. That's another fix. That's another fix. A sweet ass nickname. We'll have to think about it.

Snips, citizen snips. Snips, citizen snips. We'll have to think about it. Snips. Citizen Snips. Citizen Snips. He snips his head off. Fuck yes. Okay. Yeah.

He snips down. And they all lived. Oh, no. Sorry. Go on. And then they also team up. Old time and become like superhero crabs and they join our friends in the superhero fairy tale.

Yes. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. superhero crabs and they join our friends in the superhero fairy tale. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. We have ghosts and I can't even remember at this point. There's ghosts and skeletons. There's ghost hunters. There's skeletons. There's demons. There's horses. There's crabs. I don't know if they were dwarfs, but they were just like maybe men with like weird magical powers.

Seven different dudes that this guy kept coming upon. Oh, the six servants. Yes. Yes. Thank you. There we go. It was fucking awesome. The six servants is a great story.

So good. The justice order. The justice order. That was what it was. The crabs are going to join him and they're going to. The justice order. The justice order. That was what it was. The crabs are going to join him and they're going to… Okay. Yes. Crabs join the justice order. Okay. Thank you. Anyway.

Hell yes. And they all lived. They all lived. Happily ever after. Happily ever after. The end.