Fairy Tale Fix - 104: Billy The Don, Billy The Dean, Billy Supreme, Wisp King

Episode Date: March 25, 2025

It’s the end of Irish fairy tale month, and we've got two exciting tales to send it off in style! Abbie starts us off with Billy Duff and the Devil, a story about a lovable drunkard who gets up to all sorts of devilish mischief. Then, Kelsey sends us off with The Leprechaun's Trick, a proper Irish classic. Grab a pint and settle in!

Tail month. Irish. I am a little tired. I probably shouldn't be drinking. I am a little sick, but it's fine. Oh no. Yeah, because we had to reschedge our Saturday recording because we were under the weather. I'm super flimmy in the morning.

Super flimmy in the morning. Okay. Is it allergies? No. No, I'm coughing stuff out of my lungs. It's great. Oh, okay. You're sick. Nobody wants to know about it. But I'm also like, I feel fine in the afternoon. Tell me how it feels to do it.

I feel fine in the afternoon. So I'm like, no, I'm totally fine. I'm not sick. And I treat myself like I'm not sick. And then you are. Yeah. So anyway, I just don't want to be sick. I'm so tired. We keep getting on and off again sick and it's like, stop it. It's super annoying. We do seem to trade off. Then one of us is always low-key not doing great. Then one of us is one of us is always like low-key not doing great It's fine, you know what the sun's coming out it's slowly becoming spring at least here

How's your your your march has just begun really? Ah, well Weather go quick weather corner. Mm-hmm. Hang on. Let me see if I can find the meme that explains the cycle of seasons in the Maryland DC area. Does it have the February fake out? It does not call it the February fake out, but it does call it something else. Hang on. It's very accurate. Also known as maybe false spring. We have here in the mid-Atlantic 12 seasons. Winter, fool's spring, second winter, spring of deception.

That was last week. I like that one. Yeah, me too. Yeah. Spring of deception is always somewhere mid to the end of February. I called it the February fake out with all of my coworkers, but nobody knew what I was talking about. Yeah, yeah. Spring of deception, third winter, which is what we're back into it this week.

Yeah. Toward the end of March, we'll get into the pollining. Yeah, where it's nice out, but you just have such bad allergies, you can't enjoy it. Honestly, and I know I've said this before, it is my favorite thing that I discovered after moving to the East Coast is, wow, spring really means something around here. Because it is dead, it is cold, it is covered in ice and mud, and then at some point toward the end of March, there's flowers fucking everywhere. The Pollining. That sounds like a horror movie.

It sounds like The Happening, which had a lot to do with pollen. Yes it did. Oh my God, I wonder, they should have called it The Pollining wonder they should have called it The Pollining. They should have called it The Pollining and I would have enjoyed that movie more, but that would have required a sense of humor. Yeah, that definitely should have been a horror comedy. Yeah. 100%. Tonally, it was a miss.

Why? Even if the idea was fun. But anyway, so after The Pollining, we have spring and then we have summer and then we have summer, and then we have hell's front porch. Yep, yep. That's around August. Then we have false fall, second summer, and then actual fall, and then it all starts over. That sounds accurate.

Yeah. Except for here, we don't have a false fall. It's just summer, summer, summer, summer, summer, summer. You just have endless summer, and it's all hell's front porch. Yeah. Except for here, we don't have a false fall. It's just summer, summer, summer, summer, summer, summer. You just have endless summer and it's all Hell's front porch. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes it's nice in June, but only sometimes. But pretty much June through September is Hell's front porch in Northern California.

Yeah. It's hot as fuck. And then you have a nice little fall that obviously doesn't really end. Winter doesn't really happen. I mean, I disagree. It gets cold. I guess maybe after the holidays, it gets cold and there's nothing nice and toasty about it. It's just cold and you're like, all right. Right. But what temperature is it though? I don't know. Probably like 50s, 40s, 50s. It's fall. It's too cold. I don't like it.

It's still too cold. I agree. I don't care for that temperature. But the 40s are fall here. But I agree with you. When I lived where you lived, I also agreed that that was winter and that it was far too cold. Yeah. And I'm sure that whoever lives in Canada and or Minnesota thinks that the deepest January where I live is fall actually. So it's all relative. But also I have heard, and this is something, so I've heard that like people who move to LA, this is like specifically like a Southern California thing, but like the 60s in Southern California hits different.

Like it's a different kind of cold. So it feels colder. Like even people who live in Minnesota that moved to LA have been like, no, 60s in LA is different. Maybe. That's just what I've heard from other podcasts, LA-based podcasts I have listened to. That's fair. Maybe it's like an ocean breeze thing. Yeah, maybe it's because it's no, it's not as humid maybe.

Yeah, it's no humid and you're right on the ocean. So maybe there's like a colder wind or something. It's because you live in California. You're like, why the fuck is it so cold? I want to wear my flip flops. I want to wear one sweater and that's it, not a jacket or a hat or gloves. I understand. You know? Makes sense to me. I just want to, what do Californians do?

Smoke a bowl and eat a taco truck, taco. We could be talking about the weather forever. We could. Oh gosh, do you have any other exciting news for Irish Fairytale Month? What else have you been up to? Wait, did you ask me if I had anxiety news? No, I said do you have exciting news? But anxiety news works too. Yeah, like in anxiety news, I have so much that I can't say on the podcast probably.

Most of it's work related. Yeah, me too. Work, I forget how busy spring is and right now I'm trying to like be chill about it because my job's, it's not an emergency. I'm not doing heart surgery. Like it's, nobody's going to die if I don't finish a task. But people have waited to the last minute to ask me to do a bunch of stuff that I want to get to.

I don't wanna let anybody down, but I know I'm going to have to because I am working on something that takes up all of my time and brain power, all of it. I have to bring my noise-canceling headphones into work and Sean, my co-op, my office mates, and be like, all of it. Like I have to bring my noise canceling headphones into work and like, Sean, my co- my office mates and be like, don't talk to me. Sean.

Don't fucking talk to me right now, but I love you. Don't be mad at me, but also. I have to ignore you. Like. Yeah, I have to. I have to put on like lo-fi. Actually today I was listening to rain noises. I really like this Spotify playlist. It's called like creaky pirate ship ambience. Oh Hang on

She's looking that one up creaky pirate ship ambience and it helps so like the noise-canceling headphones I actually really can't hear anything. And I get in the zone and I just- That's amazing. And I just design flyers fucking nonstop. Fire, fire, fire, fire and text, updating text. Anyway, it's not important what I do. Nobody needs to know my day job.

No one, not even you, really. I don't even, who even knows? You don't have to know about it. Who knows anything about anything? Work sucks. Creaky pirate ship. Even if you have a fun job, it's still work. Do any of our listeners have a job that's like so fun that they're not like half always thinking, do I really need a job? I think Fern genuinely loves their job. Oh yeah. I could see that working outside. Yeah.

Fern and Fern legit has a cool job that sounds useful and like it does good things for the world. And it's not like I don't think we do. It's just that also sometimes when you're designing flyers and doing really stupid marketing bullshit, you're just kind of like, what is the point of me? And I'm not even like designing stuff like I used to. I'm just Frankensteining, like putting flyers that have already been designed with like different colors and adding my own flare, which makes it look way better.

I'm looking up Canva templates and changing them to our brand colors and calling it good and good and fucking enough. I know. I think I should just like do Canva. I use FreePic a lot. I use their flyer designs. Pro tip, if you work for a nonprofit, you get Canva Pro for free.

Technically, we're not a nonprofit. Oh, really? Oh, okay. Yeah, it's a government thing, a government entity. It's like a nonprofit, but it's also not. In terms of the chaos and its lack of profit. It's a nonprofit. It's a nonprofit.

I got a nonprofit. It's fine. You won't find none of that here. I work in Parks and Rec. I don't know how much we're keeping in. I'm OK with saying we'll work for Parks and Rec. Yeah, that's great. I feel like you could just Google my name

and my job will come up. Yeah. You and I are not cleverly hidden. We use our real names. You know what? Who cares? We don't. It's not our real names. This is a fake name. That's why it's so cool. It's so cool. I should have used my maiden name. I don't know. You know what? Who fucking cares? Whatever. Anyway, we're not big enough to where I think it's a huge concern. No. Definitely not, which I'm grateful for. Me too. Keep it small. Keep it small. Me too. Yeah, I don't know.

I feel like if I ever got a stalker, I'd be like, yeah, let's hang out. I'm so starved for attention and friendship. What you doing all the way out there? Come on in. I made chicken piccata. You want some wine? Let's watch Severance. Oh my God, how fucking good is that show? Okay, I'm a little miffed.

I only just discovered it, but also grateful. It is literally, like Abby, it's the best thing I've ever seen ever. I agree. Three hours later. All right. Basically, watch Severance, people. We're going to keep all of that in. I'm going to cut all of it out and just end it with basically watch Severance, people,

and it's going to be like 10 minutes ago. Fucking watch it. It's so good. I mean, oh my God. All I want to do is talk about it. Anyway, watch Severance. But this show is fairy tale, and I'm Abby. I'm Kelsey. And this is the show where we read each other classic,

in this case Irish, fairy tales, and then fix them, question mark? They're kind of perfect. Okay, Kelsey, are you ready to hear the tale of Billy Duff and the Devil? Fuck yes, I am. Billy Duff and the Devil. I'm so ready. My body is ready. Give me three predictions for how you think it goes. Okay. I think Billy's a fool. Give me three predictions for how you think it goes.

Okay. I think Billy's a fool. Billy's a fool. Billy's a fool. All right, love it. But I don't think he's more foolish than the devil. Love it, love the prediction, so good. Number three, Billy Duff. I love Duff.

Makes me think of Duff beer from The Simpsons. Oh my gosh. That was not my thought. I was thinking Hilary Duff, but you're better. That's better. No shade to Hilary. No, never. I fucking love Hilary Duff. No shade to Hillary. No, never.

I fucking love Hillary Duff. I am still upset that how I met your father got canceled. I know it wasn't like the best. But it was fine. I was enjoying it. I still loved it. I enjoyed every second. Anyway, anywho.

All right, go on. Stop talking about TV. But we're talking about Billy Duff. Billy Duff. He's a fool. He's not more foolish than the devil and? And? This is the hardest part of the podcast. Literally. Yeah, it's the most difficult. Why didn't I think? And I knew it was going to be an Irish fairy tale. I could have like, you know what? There's a mean landlord. Fuck. We haven't had one yet this month. And we are due.

Due! Okay. All right. God. This just, it's going to give us everything. You're so excited. I read it to Stephen and Stephen also agreed that it fucking slapped and it has the best ending ever. Oh my God. Okay.

I can't fucking wait. Now, Billy Duff was an Irishman, a blacksmith, and a drunkard. Yes he was. Hell yes he was. Who are we casting as Billy Duff? God damn. Can it be Adam Scott? Sure.

Why not? I've got a thing right now. I mean, I don't know. Adam, okay. Let's read a little bit more and we'll see. Adam Scott is a little dour. He's got- What does that mean?

He's got rusting frowny face. He does. But he's also, when he smiles, it's a very, I love Adam Scott. It is very, yeah. I mean, I love him too. I do, but he's a melancholy man. And Billy Duffy is not. Billery Duff. Billery Duff. Fucking dying.

Oh my God. Go on. Okay. We didn't even get past the first sentence. He had the Celtic aversion from steady work and stuck to his forge only long enough to get money for drink and when that was spent, he returned to work. Hell yeah. Billy was coming home one day after one of these drinking bouts, soberer than usual, when he exclaimed to himself for the thirst was upon him. By God, I would sell myself to the devil

if I could get some more drink. Yeah, he would. Uh-oh, is this a Halloween story? No, it's not, I promise. It has kind of a similar story though. At that moment, a tall gentleman in black stepped up to him and said, What did you say? I said I'd sell myself to the devil if I could get a drink.

Well how much do you want for seven years and the devil to get you then? Mm-hmm. Well, I can't tell exactly when it comes to the push. Will 700 pounds do you? Yeah, I'd take 700. And the devil to get you then. Oh yes, I don't care about that. For seven years though. Yeah, 700 pounds for seven years.

Wait. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not 700 pounds of booze, 700 pounds cash. Yes. When Billy got home, he found the money in his smithy. He at once shut the smithy and began squandering the money, keeping open house. Amongst the people who flocked to get what they could

out of Billy came an old hermit who said, "'I'm very hungry and nearly starved. "'Will you give me something to eat and drink?' "'Oh yes. Come in and get what you like. Oh, following the fairy tale rules. He may be a fool and a drunkard, but he knows his fairy tale rules. Yeah, but he's a nice guy. Yeah, he's a nice dude. He's a lazy alcoholic, but he's a really nice dude. He's a lazy alcoholic, but he's a really nice dude. The hermit disappeared after eating and drinking and did not reappear for several months when

he received the same kindly welcome and then again it disappeared after that. Fairy. Absolutely. Fairy. A few months afterwards, he again appeared. Come in, come in, said Billy. And after he had eaten and drunk his fill, the hermit said to Billy, well, three times you've been good and kind to me.

I'll give you three wishes and whatever you wish will be sure to come true. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. He's got fairies and devils. God, I love Ireland. I know. Ireland rules.

Fucking rules, So hard. Okay. I must have time to consider, said Billy. Oh, you'll have plenty of time to consider, and mind they are good wishes. Next morning, Billy told the hermit he was ready. Well, go on. Be sure they're good wishes, said the hermit. Well, I've got a big sledgehammer in the smithy, and I wish whoever gets hold of that hammer shall go striking the anvil and never break it till I tell him to stop.

That's a bad wish, Billy. That's so weird. That's such an odd choice. That's an odd choice, but yes, sure. Maybe he's got a plan. Oh, no, you'll see it's good. Next thing I wish for is a purse so that no one can take out whatever I put into it. Oh, Billy.

Billy, that's a bad wish. Be careful now about the third wish, said the hermit. The hermit's like, bro. I mean, I'll do it, but. Are you sure? Are you sure? Well, I have got an armchair upstairs and I wish that whoever may sit in that armchair will never be able to get up till I let them. I see where this is going. Do you see where this is going?

Uh-huh. Well, well indeed. They are not very good wishes. Oh, I've got my senses about me. I think I'll make them good wishes after all. I like the idea that Billy's like, oh, I've got a plan. Oh, I've got a plan. And the fairy's just like, the fuck? Like, okay. I mean, here you go. They're your wishes. They're your wishes. Most sometimes people wish for endless food.

Sometimes people wish for endless money, you know, but you know, whatever. A serving tray that's always full when you ask you to. You know, these are the kinds of things I'm used to granting, but fine, yeah, sure. We'll do this for you. If I could just wake up every day and snap my fingers and be ready, like, showered, makeup, dress, hair done, everything.

A superb wish. That's really my wish, that's my only wish. I hate getting ready in the morning. I want a mirror where I stand in front of it and I'm able to do that thing from Clueless where I just use it to pick out different outfits and then boom, it dresses me. That would be so... Yep. That's the dream.

Come on, Billy. But he has never seen Clueless and so he doesn't know what to wish for. Also Billy's the dream. Come on, Billy. That's the dream. But he has never seen Clueless, and so he doesn't know what to wish for. Also, Billy's a man. Men don't have to do as much or think as much. I wish they did. At least the men I know in my life. I think there are men- Not all of them, obviously.

With fashion sense, I think they should get on it. White t-shirt, jeans, shoes, done. Done. Lame, boring, hate it. You want to do your makeup or your hair. Dry your hair. Oh my God. Anyway, anyway, this isn't about me.

Anyway, back to Billy. This is about Billy. It's not about you. This is about Billery Duff. Okay. The seven years, all but three days had passed and Billy was back working at his forage for all his money was gone when the dark gentleman stepped in and said, now Billy, during these last three days, you may have as much money as you like. And he disappeared.

Oh, he kind of sweetened the potchos now. Absolutely. He didn't have to do that. He didn't have to do that. He didn't have to do that. What a gentleman. Seriously, he's making sure his last three days are fun as hell. Yeah, you know what? Hell yeah.

Hell yeah. On the last day of his seven years, Billy was penniless, and he went to the tap room with his favorite inn, which was full. Well, boys, said Billy, we must have some money tonight. I'll treat you and give you a pound each. And rising, he placed his tumbler in the middle of the table and wished for 20 pounds. No sooner had he wished than a ball of fire came through the ceiling, and the 20 sovereigns fell into the tumbler. Fuck yes! Best party trick ever! It's a great party trick.

Everyone was taken aback and there was a noise as if a bomb had burst and the fireball disappeared and rolled down the garden path, the landlord following it. Ah! Yes! Fuck you, landlord! After this, they each drank what they liked and Billy gave them a sovereign apiece before he went home. What a guy. The next morning, he was in his smithy making a pair of horseshoes when the devil came

in and said, Well, Billy, I'll want you this morning. Yes, all right. Take a hold of the sledgehammer and give me a few hammers till I finish this job before I go. I was just about to ask, why the fuck is Billy doing working on horseshoes? I don't know. You're about to find out. Uh-huh. Now we know. Yeah. So the devil seized the hammer and began striking the anvil, but he couldn't stop. So Billy laughed and locked him in and was away for three days.

But also like how nice of the devil to be like, yeah, sure, I'll help you with this chore. Yeah, okay. Maybe there's like a fairy rule where he has to fulfill certain requests until he actually takes them or something and it's just not specified. Maybe. Maybe. Or he's a nice dude. I'm just saying. Maybe the devil's kind of a homie.

He's like, yeah, here's endless money for right before there wasn't even part of our contract. I'm just feeling generous today. I've got sympathy for the devil right now. We always do. But regardless, Billy has no sympathy for the devil. He locks him away for three days. And during this time, the people collected around the smithy and peeped at the cracks in the shutter for they could hear the hammer going night and day.

Yeah, that would be annoying. At the end of three days, Billy returned and opened the door and the devil said, Oh, Billy, you've played a fine trick on me. Let me go. What are you going to give me if I let you go? Seven years more, twice the money and two days grace for wishing for what you like. Oh, God damn. Okay. The devil paid his money and disappeared and Billy shut the smithy and took to gambling and drinking so that at the end of seven years he was without a penny and working again in his smithy.

Okay. That was very generous. I still feel like this devil's like giving, he's like, I like you, Billy. Yeah. That was a good one, Billy. All right. You know what? Fair enough. You got me. I like you, Billy. Yeah. That was a good one, Billy. All right. You know what? Fair enough. You got me.

On the last night of the seven years, he went to his favorite public house again and wished for five pounds. After he wished, a little man entered and spat the sovereigns into the tumbler, and they all drank all night. Next morning, Billy went back to his smithy. The devil, who had grown suspicious, turned himself into a sovereign and appeared on the floor. Billy seized the sovereign and clapped it into his purse.

Then he took his purse and laid it upon the anvil and began to beat it with his sledgehammer when the devil began to call out, spare my poor limbs, spare my poor limbs. Jeez. Oh, Billy. How much now if I let you go, asked Billy. Seven more years, three times the money and one day to which for what you like.

Billy took the sovereign out of his purse and threw it away when he found his money in the smithy. Billy carried on worse than ever gambled and drank and raced squandering it all before his seven years were gone. Billy! Come on. Come on, man. He's got what? He's got another seven years. Well, no, now it's up.

Nope. He gambled and drank and raced. He just keeps adding vices. Yeah, but we know. We know. Who knows what's going to happen next? On the last day of his term, he went to his favorite inn as usual and wished for a tumbler full of sovereigns. A little man with a big head, a big nose, a big mouth, a little body, and little legs with clubbed feet and a forked

tail brought them in and put them in the tumbler. The drunkards in the room got scared when they saw the little man, for he looked all glowing with fire as he danced on the table. I like that he's getting more devil-y as the story goes. Like it's a gentleman and then like a weird little guy and now this is like a full on imp. Yeah. When he finished dancing, he said, Billy, tomorrow morning our compact is up. I know it, old boy," said Billy.

Then the devil ran out and disappeared, and the people began to question Billy. What is that? I think it's you, Mr. Duffy, he's after. Oh, it's nothing at all," said Billy. I should think there was something, said the man. I'm afraid my house will get a bad name, croaked the landlord. Not in the least, you are only a coward, said Billy. But in the name of God, what is it all about, asked an old man. Oh, you'll see by and by, said Billy.

It's nothing at all. He's not worried. Not at all. Next morning, Billy went to his smithy, but the devil would not come near it. Mm-hmm. So he went to his house and began to quarrel with his wife. And whilst he was quarreling, the devil walked in and said, Well, Mr. Duffy, I am ready for you.

Ah, yes, just sit down and wait a minute or two. I have some papers I want to put to rights before I go. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Ah, yes. Just sit down and wait a minute or two. I have some papers I want to put to rights before I go. Also, he has a wife. Of course he does. He has a nameless wife that he just goes home and starts fights with. My fix for the story is that his wife has a name and that he's whining and dining her real good while he's out drinking, gambling, and racing.

She's also out there drinking and gambling and racing. Absolutely, 3,000%. That's what I want. She's actually the one putting him up to it. Absolutely. I want her goading him on. That's my fix for the story. Yep.

Spoiler alert. Perfect. Because everything else about this is perfect. Okay. So the devil sat down on the armchair and Billy went to the smithy and heated a pair of tongs red hot. And coming back, he got the devil by the nose and pulled it out as though it had been soft iron. And the devil began yelling but he could not move and Billy kept drawing the nose out till

it was long enough to reach over the window when he put an old bell topper on the end of it. And the devil yelled and snorted fire from his nose. He's pissed. The whole of the village crowded around Billy's house at a safe distance calling out, from his nose. He's pissed. The whole of the village crowded around Billy's house at a safe distance calling out, Billy and the devil, the devil and Billy Duffy. The devil got awful savage and black guarded Billy Duffy terribly, but it was useless.

Billy kept him there for days till he got civil and said, Mr. Duffy, what will you let me go for? Now that I've had some time to think about it, time to cool off if you will. It cool off if you will. Only one thing, I am to live the rest of my life without you and have as much gold as I like." The devil agreed.

I mean, that's basically the way he's been living. Yeah. So he's done kind of asking for another seven years. He's like, all right, just leave me alone and give me as much money as I want. The devil agreed, so Billy let him go and immediately he grew rich. He lived to a good old age, squandering money all the time. I love that for him. Me too.

Go Billy. You know what? But him and his wife, they're both squandering it together. Go Mr. and Mrs. Duffy. He lived to a good old age, squandering money all the time, but at last he died. When he got to the gates of hell, the clerk said, Who are you? Billy Duffy, said he. When the devil, who was standing near heard, he said, Good God, bar the gates and double lock them.

Fuck no, get out of here. No, for if this Billy Duffy the blacksmith gets in, he will ruin us all. Old Billy saw a pair of red hot tongs, which he picked up and seized the devil by the nose. No, not again. When the devil pulled back his head, he left a red hot bit of his nose in the tongs. That's poor guy. The poor devil.

I know. I feel bad for him. Billy Duffy is not to be fucking trifled with. I mean, Billy Duffy is the devil in this situation. You're not wrong. You're not wrong. Then Billy Duffy went up to the gates of heaven and Saint Peter asked him who he was. Billy Duffy the blacksmith, he answered, no admittance. No, no, no, no. You are a bold bad man, said Saint Peter. Are you sure this isn't? Is he going to have to wander around with hellfire because nobody would take him? This is the Halloween story.

Damn it. I forgot that's how it ended. Incredible. A different name and the story is longer. It is different. It's definitely different. It's different, but it ends thusly. I fucking love it.

Good God, what will I do? said Billy, And he went back to the earth where he and the piece of the devil's nose melted into a ball of fire. And he rose to earth till this day as a willow the wisp. The end. Willow the wisp, that's so cool. It's so, it's slightly different. It's slightly different. I love it so much.

The ending is perfect. He just becomes a willow the wisp. Have we ever had like a willow the Wisp in a story before? No, I think it was the first. That was so good. Fucking incredible. Part of the magic of Ireland. Where did you hear the story?

I found this on fairytales.com. Fuck yeah, fairytales.com. You know what? Hell yeah. Thank you, fairytales.com. Fairytales.com can get it. They can. They're sexy.

They really need to lay off the ads. The ads are getting a little ridiculous, if I may. They're out of control. But get that gold, baby. As they should. Oh, my goodness. That was a wonderful fucking story. Get that gold, baby. As they should. Amazing. That was a wonderful fucking story. The only fix.

Get some of that cheddar for your wife too. I want her to be just as into debauchery as you. I want Mr. and Mrs. Duffy to be the rowdiest couple ever. I feel like that would be fun. Yeah. I want Mr. and Mrs. Duffy to be the rowdiest couple ever. I feel like that would be way more fun. It would have been more fun. It certainly would have been more fun for Mrs. Duffy. It only mentions her once though, so. That he goes home and he starts to fight with her.

But no, Mrs. Maggie Duffy, because she also deserves a first name because Billy has a first name. I love it. Billy and Maggie. Yeah. it. Billy and Maggie. Yeah. No, Billy and Hillary. Wait, so was it Billy Duff or Billy Duffy? The story is called Billy Duff. He's only referred to as Billy Duffy throughout the entire story.

I love it. Yeah, no idea. Both. Neither. That's amazing. No idea. Both. Neither. That was amazing. Great story. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I think it's so much fun. I didn't realize the similarities to the Jack O'Lantern story in full.

Yeah. It was like, ooh, something about Hellfire. Nobody wants him. Yep. Nope. The ending is exactly the same, but I think the story is super fun and different enough that I liked it. Yeah. Absolutely. And ending as the Will of the and different enough that I like it. Yeah, absolutely.

And ending as a Willow the Wisp, that's so cool. I love that that's how it ends. Hell yeah. Willow the Wisp possibly leading other drunkards to more mayhem probably. Yes, exactly because Billy Duffy is a mischievous fuck. Love that for him. Me too. It's great.

I love that he goes down there and the devil's like, don't let him in. This dude is fucking crazy. Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy. Would you say that Billy's a fool? No. Billy's an alcoholic, but he's not a fool. That dude has a plan. Well, was Billy not more foolish than the devil? The devil was certainly more foolish than Billy. Yes, for sure. The devil was absolutely overconfident. He's not more foolish than the devil.

So yeah, that's one point. That's one point for you. There was a landlord, but was he mean? He wasn't really. Billy, I mean, if anything, Billy's got a mean dad. Yeah, right? Oh, so good. Oh my God. But this story truly, this is a classic.

It really has it all. It does. It's everything you want. Great job, Abby. Thank you. You told it beautifully. Thank you. I'm very proud of myself.

I very much enjoyed that. That was so good. I'm glad much enjoyed this. So good. What an epic, well, ending story to Irish Fairy to my, obviously I'm going to tell one, but now I don't want to go. But I can rest on my laurels knowing that I found a really good one. That was amazing. I'd hate to follow that act. But you're gonna. All right. I do have one. Okay. I'm stoked. Tell me.

It's one that I read last week or two weeks ago, I guess. Is it the Leprechaun one? Yes. I'm going to read it. I mean, I think I told you about it. I don't know if we talked about it on the episode, but. You just mentioned that you read a leprechaun story that you were thinking about saving for this week since it's a little shorter. Yes. Okay. That's all I know about it. Let's fucking go.

How many predicciones do I get? Yeah, the full three. It's shorter, but whatever. It is called The Leprechaun's Trick. Fuck. Yes. We love our tricky Irish folk creatures. We do. What section of the book is it from? Oh, this is from Fairies, Elves, and Goblins, the old stories. Oh. It's saying to add me. That scream.

I'm just excited. Because the other story you've read me from that fucking slapped. So I'm- Is this? Oh yeah, there are sections. Shit. It is from the section, some fairy tribes. Oh, no fairy tribes.

Oh, no, wait, that's not a section. That's one of the stories, hold on. But there are like sections. Okay, there are sections, but they're not named. So just kidding, that first one was the name of another story. Oh, I see, okay. But they're like kind of spaced out. Okay.

Oh, look, Tamlin is in here. Oh, that's awesome. I wonder if they have a store in like in prose form or if they put in the ballad. Oh, I wonder. Good luck. I'm curious. Okay, let's go to Tamlin, page 102. I think you saved that one for our bonus episode. If you want a bonus episode, everybody go check out Tamlin on our Patreon. We did that for our February, just barely kind of making the cut for February bonus

episode. I feel like it's a Scottish fairy tale or ballad, whatever, but it was very much like it had a very Irish fairy like. Oh yeah, well because I think it was still very much like in that sort of Celtic, Gaelic, Fair Folk tradition. And no, it looks like it says, once upon a time there was a thick dark forest. So it's in a... Oh, I'd be so curious to know what the difference is because it sounds like the sort of rewrote the ballad to be more of a prose. Yeah, I'll send it to you if you want.

Okay, yes, please do. There is some ballad-y things, but it's the very end. It's kind of short. Yeah, give me three predictions for the leprechauns trick. The leprechauns trick. Money is important. Always. Yes, it is. There's a switcheroo.

Oh, I love that. Switcheroo. And last one. An old switcheroo and a how do you do. Oh, God. Amazing. I love the culture switcheroo. That's fun. And the leprechaun is helpful to someone.

Is helpful to someone. To no one, remember, because in Danish someone is no one. Oh, there's no one. I don't think that's funny. that in the last episode, but. I did leave it in the last episode. Okay, good. Juan Sonny Morning. Excellent.

That's a great start. Tom Fitzpatrick was a real great name. So good. Well, he was strolling along beside a hedge when he heard a tap, tap, tapping sound coming from the other side. He crept to the style, climbed over it, and tiptoed toward the noise, wondering what on earth it could be.

Do you know what it could possibly be? Is it a leprechaun? Do you know what it could possibly be? Is it a leprechaun? Well, first he saw a gallon-sized brown pitcher. Then he spotted a tiny old man standing beside it. The fellow was no bigger than Tom's hand. That's real small. That's real small.

Dressed in a cocked hat and a leather apron. It's the leprechaun, thought Tom, and theirs me lived all my life until now, never believing they had existed. God damn it. I want to do it so bad, but I just can't. You are doing such a charming halfway there. Yeah. I love an Irish accent.

Okay. He stood dead still watching goggle-eyed. The leprechaun climbed onto a wooden stool to fill a wooden mug from the pitcher, then gulped it down thirstily. When he was satisfied, he sat down on the stool, picked up a small half-made shoe and set to work on it with a hammer and nails banging the heel piece firmly into place. I wonder if he's really got a hidden store of treasure like they say, thought Tom.

But hold on, I need to keep my wits about me. I've heard leprechauns disappear if you take your eyes off them, so I'd better not even blink. Better not. And they're easily offended. So if I want to get some of his treasure, I need to act polite. Okay. I love Tom. Tom has a plan.

Tom knows how leprechauns work. Tom is out to get money. He's an Irishman. He's got it. He's got it. Well. Okay. Maybe he don't got it. He fixed got it. Well. Okay. Maybe he don't got it.

He fixed his eyes on the little fellow like a cat on a mouse, then cleared his throat and called out in the friendliest voice he could muster, good morning to you honest man. That's a very fine piece of work you have there. Wow. The leprechaun looked up. Great tall talk, Tom. I mean, like, what else do you fucking say? You just got to be like, hey.

No, you're right, because the only alternative is, are you a leprechaun? Holy shit. That's what I would say. The leprechaun looked up and gazed at Tom a long moment. Finally, he said, good morning to you too, mortal, and thank you kindly for the compliment, which I hope was sincerely paid. Is there something I can do for you? It's not. It was bad small talk. I mean, he answered, so it wasn't like the worst small talk.

I guess. I guess. Better not ask out right for the treasure, Tom thought to himself, because Tom is super fucking smart. Tom is a man with a plan. The smartest. So he said out loud, oh, nothing at all really. I was just surprised to see such a large picture under my father's hedge.

And I wondered what was in it. It's Heather's ale, said the leprechaun. I brewed it myself. I learned the recipe from the Vikings. Ooh, what that? Fuck the treasure. That's what I want. You're joking, Shirley, said Tom.

Viking booze? Okay. It's over a thousand years since the Vikings were in Ireland. Is it really? said the leprechaun. Well, then it must be over a thousand years since they taught it to me. Now then, mortal, that's enough of your questions. Instead of wasting my time gossiping with an old fellow like me, you'd better be off

minding your father's cows, for I have seen them break into the field of oats behind you and they're trampling the whole crop." Tom gave a start of horror and almost turned around to see what the little fellow had claimed was true. However, just in time, he stopped himself thinking, no doubt this is a cunning trick to make me take my eyes off the leprechaun. It's probably not. So he stood firm, staring at the little fellow severely, and then blurted out, You're having me on.

The leprechaun stared right back at him. I know all about your kind. You're all devious cheats. Tom went on brazenly. Oh, Tom, but you won't get the better of me. Come on, let's have a share of that famous buried treasure of yours. Damn, Tom. Be cool. You absolutely lost it, man. It's a good thing.

Tom didn't. It's a good thing you didn't lose his cool, right? Right. Stay polite. Tom, you absolutely, you folded immediately, bro. Immediately. Immediately. I'm so frustrated now.

Tut, tut, tut, the leprechaun said. Even if I had any treasure, I wouldn't share it with a cocky brat like you. Yeah, that's right. Damn straight. At this insult, Tom's hackles rose and he completely forgot his good manners. I'm sorry, he forgot his good manners? He already, he forgot them a minute ago. They've been gone.

Even if I had any, he mocked. Of course, we've got some treasure. All leprechauns have treasure. Everyone knows that. Well, if you won't share it willingly like a good fellow, I'll force you to. And he bent down and grabbed the leprechaun roughly knocking down the pitcher and spilling heather ale all over the ground You bully

Tom's a fucking idiot Tom's a fool. Tom's a fool. I should have predicted fool. I Mean, he started off so strong. I know he started off so strong But now alas. It couldn't last. You bully, the leprechaun screeched at him. You wastrel, you can't- Dance straight, tell him, light him up.

You can't scare me with your bad mouthing, Tom said breathlessly, clutching the tiny man in his fist. I've got you in my power now. Come on, show me your treasure or I'll squash you to death. Fucking threats. Son of a bitch. Don't threaten the leprechaun. The leprechaun peered out from between Tom's fingers, looking thoroughly intimidated. All right, all right. I know he's so tiny. He's so tiny. I keep remembering he's only the size of my hand. I know. Like, it's a tiny dude.

Mm-hmm. All right, all right, he muttered. I'll show you. It's hidden just a couple of fields away. Go exactly where I tell you and you'll find it soon enough. That's better, said Tom. So which way? Idiot.

He's an asshole. Go to the end of this hedge, said the leprechaun, then squeeze through the gap. He's a little bit of a wimp. He's a little bit of a wimp. He's a little bit of a wimp. He's a little bit of a wimp. He's a little bit of a wimp. He's a little bit of a wimp.

He's a little bit of a wimp. He's a little bit of a wimp. He's a little bit of a wimp. He's a little bit of a wimp. He's a little bit of a wimp. He's a little bit of? Idiot. He's an asshole. Go to the end of this hedge said the leprechaun then squeeze through the gap. Tom was really proud. Tom was really proud that he had persuaded his captive to cooperate so quickly. You literally threatened death. You threatened to squeeze him to death.

You spilled all of his ale, you fucking cretin. It's like 1,000-year-old recipe ale. Are you kidding me? You could have just shared a drink and had a great day. I bet if you'd asked him for a wee dram of it, he would have said, oh, all right then. But instead, where's your treasure? I know you have it. That's not yours though.

Drinking with the leprechaun and then he probably would have given it to you willingly, bro. That's how it works. God damn it. Fucking Tom Fitzpatrick. Fucking Tom Fitzpatrick. Nowhere near. He could never hold a candle to Billy Duff. Billy Duff is supreme.

Billy the Don, Billy the Dean, Billy Supreme, Swamp Queen. Billery Duff. Billery Duff. That's all I can think of. I'm sorry. Okay. Not that ever since you said it. Okay, well anyway, so Tom's really proud of himself

for no reason whatsoever. Clutching the pecan tightly, literally kidnapping a man, and keeping his gaze fixed on him, he ran along the hedge and at the far end somehow managed to push his way through its dense thorns into an area of an open moor. Then it was leap over that ditch straight across that bog and if you don't mind, slip and drop me. This leprechaun is making this shit up. He is trying to get Tom Fitzpatrick to drown himself in a bog and I am here for it. You know what?

Me too. Up that hill as fast as you can and so on until they reached another field. Tom was surprised to recognize his father's own fallow land covered from end to end with yellow ragwort, which I forgot to do this earlier. What the fuck is ragwort? But we're gonna look up yellow ragwort. Okay. Oh They're cute little flowers they look like tiny little daisies. Oh my god, that sounds so pretty

Okay, honestly. Yeah, those are really those are cute. Those are some nice little flowers. They probably are kind of scratchy Like stem wise. Yeah, maybe. They look scratchy. It didn't pop up. They're not like nettles. But they're a pretty-ish kind of weed. Can be somewhat weedy. Yeah, it looks really pretty. I like it. Okay. So a gorgeous flowery yellow field.

The wretch has forced me to go on the most difficult way possible in order to end up where I almost started, he thought. Still best not to criticize until I've actually got my hands on that treasure. Fancy it being buried here and none of us ever guessing. Oh no, now is the time to best not be too critical or whatever. I know.

This is the most red flag man. He's like, what? He's like, don't lose your shit. Don't lose your shit. Don't lose your shit. Except he totally loses his shit. Immediately loses his shit and then says, okay, but now I won't lose my shit. Don't make me hurt you, leprechaun. He literally threatened

death. I'll squeeze you to death if you don't tell me. He's like, wow, he's really, he's really listening to me. Really? Okay, go on. Anyway. Okay. Here's where my treasure is buried," said the Leprechaun pleasantly. Whereabouts exactly? Asked Tom. Under that very ragwort stem, said the Leprechaun, pointing. Dig directly beneath it and I swear on my life you'll find a large crock full of gold guineas. Excellent, said Tom. Thank you, little man.

How far must I dig? You need to dig as deep as you are tall, I'm afraid, said the leprechaun regretfully. It has to be like that, you see, because I only want favored people like yourself to find it. Yeah. That I'll have to pop home to fetch a spade, said Tom. But that's no problem, for my house is just over there. You won't forget which ragwort it's growing is crawling under I hope said the leprechaun with great concern in his voice.

Oh my God. Not at all said Tom because I always think ahead. Look still clutching the leprechaun and watching him from the corner of his eye. He pulled a bright red handkerchief from his pocket and tied it carefully to the plant that the leprechaun had pointed out. There is that the right place? I got to give my slight Irish accent. You do. You have to get the lilt in there. It's terrible. Please don't. If we had any Irish listeners, they'd stop listening long

ago. They did. Absolutely. It's safe now. Exactly right, not at the Leprechaun. So I suppose you don't need me anymore now. Tom, tighten the handkerchief around the stem so that it couldn't blow off. No, I don't. Thank you kindly, honest man, he said. Just so long as you give me your solemn promise that you won't touch or move this marker

while I fetch my spade. Of course I won't, Tom," the leprechaun cried indignantly. What kind of fellow do you think I am? Of course. Oh my God. Me? Me? I would never, especially not to the guy who's fucking threatening me. Tom squatted down and released the leprechaun gently onto the grass.

Back to your shoemaking little man, he said. Sorry if I was rude before. Sorry if I hurt you and thank you again. Oh, now look who's Mr. Polite. No, no. This is classic like shitheal behavior of like you're only sorry you hurt someone after they've given you what you want.

Yup. Yeah. Motherfucker. Fuck you. Good luck, said the leprechauns squinting up at him. And with those words, he vanished. Tom raced home as fast as he could and in under 10 minutes, he was

back at the gate at the follow field and with a spade in his hand. Before opening the gate, he looked across it expecting to see the red handkerchief standing out amongst the heads of yellow ragwort. But do you think that's what he saw? How fucking no. He didn't. No, the leprechaun hadn't broken his word. He hadn't touched Tom's handkerchief. Instead, he had conjured up a thousand identical handkerchiefs and tied them all to the other ragwort plants. Oh my God.

He's so funny. That's a good one. I love it. Tom was beside himself with rage. He thought about seeking out the leprechaun again, but knew for sure he would never find him. This is why you get drunk with the leprechaun and become buddies instead of threatening to kill him. Fucking asshole.

Of course, he's having a raging fit now. Like what the fuck do you think was gonna happen? Did you really think? Bro. Did you think? Did you think? You were gonna get this gold. No.

No. He thought about digging up the whole field until he found the promised treasure, but it might not even be there, he thought. And even if it is. Right, how did you even know he wasn't fucking lying? I know. What a fucking idiot. The field's over 20 acres and the croc is probably not much bigger than the Leprechaun, and it would take me the rest of my life to dig to the depth, he said, over the whole piece of land.

And so Tom had no choice but to trudge shamefully home cursing the wily leprechaun, but most of all cursing himself being so naive. Of the end. Okay. All right. I think he should be cursing himself for being so fucking rude. Losing his cool immediately. Immediately. And Maybe you should be kicking yourself for like, maybe I'm a little too prone to violence. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the drama. Yeah. Am I the drama? Am I the villain? I don't think you're the villain. Yes, Tom, you're the villain. Fuck you, Tom Fitzpatrick. You suck. Don't curse the leprechaun and don't think it's the villain. Yes, Tom, you're the villain. Fuck you, Tom Fitzpatrick.

You suck. Don't curse the leprechaun. And don't curse yourself for being naive. Curse yourself for being kind of a dick. I know, for fucking real. So 10 out of 10 for the leprechauns trick. Absolutely. I fucking love that story.

That was a great story. Tom got, like everyone got, everyone had the day they deserved. I feel like I just want to hear about the great, I want to like see the end of the Leprechaun drinking with his buddies and laughing at this fool. Yes. That would be really satisfying. Drink your Heather ale with your friends.

Yeah. Laugh about how great, like laugh and revel in how great you are. And go find with Billy Duff. Go find Billy Duff or go find whoever Tom Fitzpatrick's nemesis is. I can't give him the gold. You can give him the gold. Oh, gosh. But no, better yet, go find Billy Duff.

Perfect leprechaun story. That was amazing. You were right. Money is important. Money is important. There was a switcheroo. There was a switcheroo for sure. A switcheroo and how do you do? The leprechaun was not helpful to anyone in the story. No, no. But I feel like he would have been if Tom Fitzpatrick had been fucking cool, but he's not. I mean, he dropped that great info about this awesome heather ale he's drinking.

I feel like that was an invitation to be like... Can I have a sip? I learned it from the fucking Vikings because I'm an ancient fey being. This is why Tom Fitzpatrick and those of his nature fucking suck because they're so focused on money that they are not here for the experience. They are not here for the plot. They want to skip straight to the end. They don't want the plot. They want to skip straight to the end. They don't want it. They don't want the journey.

And then when they do get their money, they're still not fucking happy. Yeah. Tom Fitzpatrick sucks. Absolutely. Glad you agree. Yeah, he started off strong. You're like, oh, he's got a plan. He knows what's going on, but then he immediately ruins it because he's a little bitch. Yeah. Oh my God. I had such high hopes for him. I believed in you, Tom. You know what? We can't have Billy Duff in every story. We can't. We can't. Too bad. Or what is it? Charlie?

We deserve Billy Duff in every story. Absolutely. Or Charlie. Yeah. The leprechaun was Billy Duff in this one. Absolutely. Or Charlie. Yeah. The leprechaun was Billy Duff in this one. He's got a great backstory. I know. I'm glad the leprechaun got a W. That's cool. I want to hear more about this Viking Ale and also all the other cool stories he probably has. Same. I'm actually going to look up Heather Ale. Is that a thing? Oh, I don't know. Heather ale from the Vikings?

Ooh, the folklore of Scotland, the legend of Heather ale. Yeah, a lot of these stories are like English, Scottish, Irish. The legend of Heather ale has numerous incarnations across both the Mull of Galloway and over the Irish Sea. All are similar and they speak of an Irish King who, having defeated a civilization, was faced with the final two of their kind and stated he would free them if they would share the secret recipe of Heather Ayl. Tight. Gosh. I love Irish Fairy Tale Month and I'm so sad that it's already over. But there's always next year. Thank you so much for listening to Fairytale Fix. We love you. We

love you so much. We're so grateful you're here. Listening to the show is the best thing you could ever do with your time. If you want to devote more of your time to our show, and we would appreciate it if you did, you can leave a review or a rating wherever pods are cast. We're up to 100 star reviews on Spotify. Hell yeah. We're at like 4.9, but yeah, 100. Someone make it 101.

Thank you. And hold on. We got a comment on our last Spotify episode. Who commented? Under CommentNeptune. Oh my gosh. I know we've chatted before, so I know you have another name, but Kitsune Chibiko. That's Giselle.

Giselle. Oh my God. I was like,ibiko. That's Giselle. Giselle, oh my God. I was like, I recognize that username. Giselle, Giselle. That's a fag of our fairy overlord. Am I the first to comment on Spotify? Technically no, but. Technically. Yeah, I think so.

Because Rabia commented Neptune. And also I have commented. Actually, Spotify did this thing where you could comment or send a message to your podcaster and I didn't know what would happen. So it was like, what did you think about this episode? So I just wrote, it's okay. It's okay. Did that appear as a comment under the episode? I don't know. I don't know what episode. I haven't looked at all of them. But anyway, well, Giselle, shant comment Neptune, but the celestial body I do identify with is the sun.

You know what? Hell yeah. I totally see that for you. Cause you're fucking. You are a fucking ray of sunshine. Hot as. Oh yeah, and super hot. You're so hot.

Yeah. And bigger than the whole universe. 100%. Well, that's not true about the sun. But like than the whole universe. 100%. Well, that's not true about the sun. But compared to everything else. Actually, our sun is kind of a medium-ish sized one. It's not even the biggest one. But compared to everything else.

In the solar system. Anyway, hell yeah, just well. Thank you for commenting. Hell yeah, just well. We love you. Okay, sorry. Go on. So for this episode, what should we have people comment?

Billery duff. Comment, billyory duff. There we go. I love it. Fucking excellent. Let's see. There are other things you can do. You can follow us on Instagram if you want access to like art and sweet memes and notifications about when the podcast is doing a new episode. Another way that you can support us is by supporting our friends.

This episode drops on March 25th. And in five days, we're going to be sitting down to record an episode with the fairy tellers and not my fantasy podcast and not my fantasy podcast. We're going to be talking about the Snow White remake movie. We haven't even seen it yet and we have a lot of opinions. And some of us never will. But I will be going on the episode to give very firm opinions about a movie I do not plan to watch. So stay tuned for details about when that episode drops. And if you would like to give us cash money.

That goal, baby. Give us that goal, baby. We'd surely appreciate it. You can go to patreon.com forward slash fairy tale fix pod. Okay. And so Mrs. Maggie Duffy also got to go hog wild on the devil's dime and became a will of the wisp at the end. Good for her.

And my story was perfect, except we got to hear about the fucking like riot night that the leprechaun had afterwards with his buddies drinking heather ale and we got to learn more about the Vikings and all of his other cool stories. Oh, hell yeah. And they all lived except for Thomas. Happily. Ever. After. Of the end.

The end.