Fairy Tale Fix - 106: Wrap It Before You Tap It

Episode Date: July 8, 2025

Now usually we stan a wicked hussy, but for once we’re with the prince during Kelsey’s retelling of Hacon Grizzlebeard, a 1930’s screwball comedy masquerading as a Scandinavian fairy tale! Abbie follows up with The Magic Eagle, a Timotean (Venezuela) myth that honestly could use more shenanigans, as it features only competent protagonists who heed the call to action, make a plan, and follow all the rules. WTF.

So I was really excited to tell you I finished my book Green Teeth. Oh, yes. I finished it. It's Green Teeth by Molly O'Neill. Some woman at Barnes and Noble totally sold me on it. She was just like, it's about a lake monster meets witch. They build a friendship to defeat an evil pastor. And I was like, I'm in. Hold.

100% in. Sign me the fuck up. Honestly, I recommend this book. I think you would really like it. It's a nice one and done, which I'm really happy about. I'm struggling with starting up series. I don't want to commit to more than one book right now at this time. I can't commit to more than one book. Yeah. So as I mentioned, beautiful listeners, I told myself I would read 12 books, like one a month. And so far it's going really well. I'm really proud of you.

You've been keeping to it. Yeah. It's really been fun. So Green Teeth is really cute. It's really wholesome. It's very much like a friendship book. And the last few chapters had me sweating. So. Okay. Yeah, it was awesome. Highly, highly recommend. It's basically like a lake monster called

Jenny and a witch and a goblin team up to defeat this ancient evil fey. Oh, so it's not actually a pastor, but he takes over a pastor's body. Of course he does. That's great. I don't think that's a spoiler. Nah. Nah. No, not really. Whatever. The adventure is the fun part. I'm sold. I am sold on the book. That sounds amazing because I also, oh my God, that sounds like it has all of the right vibes. Yeah, it's a quick comfort read. Okay. Like, just so fun.

I loved it. I even like cried a little bit at one part. So it's very, oh, and there's also a dog. So of course, there's got to be a dog. Excellent. Excellent. Is the dog, does the dog die? Does anything bad happen to the dog? You know, it's funny, kind of, but they also play it off like it wasn't actually that bad.

I'm not going to like spoil it. I feel like it's kind of a little up for interpretation. Interesting. Okay. I am even more intrigued. But I am really excited for my next book is the final girl support group that I've been like, I wanted to wait till June. The one you bedazzled?

I bedazzled it. I wanted to wait till June to read it because it's like, you know, like spooky camp horror. There's Friday the 13th in June this year. So fabulous. I feel like that's the one I've been actually like really excited for and I haven't been reading it. So I'm stoked to get started. Anyway, I'm so excited. And I'm really excited to hear how you like that one because like, because I haven't read it. But like, I have seen a couple of different like controversial online takes about it. So I'm excited.

I'm excited to find out which way you fall. Yeah. And whether or not then you recommend it because I was thinking about reading it and now you'll be able to tell me whether or not the vibes are right. And I'm excited. I'll keep you updated.

You'll keep me posted. Oh, also by the way, this is fairy tale fix. Thank you so much for it. Thank you so much for joining us today for all of our nonsense. I'm Abby. I'm Kelsey. And this is the show where we're going to read each other some classic fairy and folktales

and maybe fix them depending on how broken they are. Definitely. Yeah, absolutely. And get our fix from them. Our little fix. I just need a bite-sized story. Just a little bit of that good stuff. Did you end up finishing None of This is True? I did, and that's also kind of what I was saving to talk about for this episode. Excellent. Book talk. Yes.

We're just going to chat about books a little bit. Okay, so this is also a book that you recommended to me, so our listeners know. I recommended it with the sense of I didn't love it, but it was really interesting and I read it in two days also. I was sick. Yeah, absolutely. But I can also see why you devoured it in two days. Also, if I recommended it, you literally shoved your copy of it into my hands and said, I want you to read this. Read this and tell me what you think. I'm curious. Read this and tell me what you think. Read this and tell me what you think. I'm curious.

Read this and tell me what you think. Okay. So I also devoured it. There was a moment like, and I'm also not sure if I liked it, but there is a moment where I was supposed to be going to work and I was like, I can read one more chapter. Yeah. I can read one more chapter. I can read one more chapter. Yeah. I can read one more chapter. I can read one more.

And it's literally like a suspense book. Like it's, none of this is true by Lisa Jewel. Yeah. And it is, it was a pretty, it was a pretty good mystery. I really enjoyed the experience of reading it. Like it was, but also it made me feel insane. Yeah, it didn't like make you uncomfortable.

It did. It made me so uncomfortable. And like, and then also because it's like, you know, listeners like, if you ever pick up this book, keep that title in mind as you're reading it, because this book gaslights you so hard. I read it as in my April book because April Fool's Day.

April Fool's Day. Yeah, none of this is true. The writing was so good, right? The way she writes, excellent. The way she writes, excellent. I don't always enjoy it because sometimes I just want you to tell me the story. I just want you to tell me what's happening. But I really liked how this book did unreliable narrators. Yeah, very fun. Very, very fun. So that there are things that I just… But it didn't feel like a cheat.

It felt really well done in the sense that I didn't feel like the book itself was cheating. Yeah. So anywho. I'm glad you liked it. I really enjoyed it. I'm glad you had a good time. Like I said, I wouldn't say it was my favorite book or a story that I recommend enjoyed it. I'm glad you had a good time. Like I said, I don't think I wouldn't say it was my favorite book or a story that I recommend to everyone.

Definitely Green Teeth 100% recommend that to anybody. None of this is true. Only if you like thrillers. I do. I like thrillers. It's been a long time since I've read one. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Really well crafted, great characters.

I loved that, like, I loved that, like every character felt so real and so messy. And so. Yeah, quick, quick, like, just really easy to read writing to. It just like went by super fast. Mm hmm. Absolutely. And it was just, it was. Absolutely. It was just so gripping. Exciting? It was exciting. It was a thriller. It felt thrilling. I was so happy when we finally got to the crime portion of it. I did feel like it did feel like the beginning portion

stretched out a little long where I was like, okay, something weird is happening here. Let's get there. But as soon as we got to the dinner party. Oh my God, the dinner party was nuts. That was nuts. Maddie was with me at the time and we were reading on my porch and I kept gasping. It's also very relatable.

Definitely. Of the kinds of choices and the fact that real life is complicated, real relationships are complicated. What do you actually want to do about any of that? And like, oof, oof, oof. So like the book was so good and I felt very seen by the book. Like I felt like Lisa Jewel really sees me and herself and just middle-aged women everywhere or women that are staring down the barrel of becoming

middle-aged. Yeah. Lisa gets it. That's what I kind of want to read more books from her. Me too. Because it definitely wasn't like anything I've ever read before. I mean, I'm sure there are a million books out there like it. I just don't read that many, but it was fun.

The title and the cover really captured me, that's why I bought it. I mean that and like, you know, the description on the back. But none of this is true, like, oh, that's a very catchy title. That's a great title because then why write the book? Like very intriguing. Why write it?

Why even bother? Why even write it if none of it's true? But that's my favorite thing about it is that, yeah, nothing that happens in this book, nothing that anybody tells you in this book is true, but also there is something about that book that is very true. Definitely. Sorry, my final thought on it. So thank you for having me read it. Thank you for reading it and for telling me all your thoughts and feelings because I really wanted to know. Do you have any books that you're reading next?

I mean, yeah, I've got a stack. I've got a stack. I've got a stack of books. I've got a stack of books. I'm actually rereading currently one of my favorite like urban fantasy series that I started reading when I was like somewhere in high school. But it's like it's the hollows series, Baby Abby. I was deeply 15 when I started them. So it's been fun kind of going back and rereading them and actually still being like, damn, these were pretty good. Good taste. Good taste, Abby. I love books that you can reread years later and still get the same like kind of excitement out of. Or kind of like new things out of it. I don't know. I was realizing like that this like the first book in this series is like, By Panic, the book. And I think-

And you're like, oh. Oh, I found this deeply relatable. I wonder why. I wonder why. Now you know why. But like the character, the main character, like does end up kind of like landing on, nope, I'm straight at the end of it.

So, but I also, so I do wonder if the book had been written at a different time, like if it hadn't been like a, because it was published in like the early 2000s. So the part of me that wonders like, you know, what the author might have been exploring within herself and if it had been published at a different time, maybe she would have had a different conclusion. But I've been, anyway, I've been deeply enjoying it. If anybody else ever read the Hollows series by Kim Harrison, please get at me and let's talk about it. Yeah, give us all your book recommendations.

Please send us some because I need some for the rest of the year. And I don't have, I have like a few books in my queue, but like nothing I'm super excited about. After Final Girl Support Group. Yeah, like I have another one that's my queue, but nothing I'm super excited about. After Final Girl Support Group? Yeah. I have another one that's a romantic comedy book that I got for $5 because I bought something at the Cafe Barnes & Noble. Then I have a couple books from the Booker heat.

Actually, I'm excited for The Lore of the Unicorn. I'm excited for you to read that too. I want to know everything. I want to know everything in there. But this has to last me throughout December. So if anybody has any recommendations they think I'll really like, please hit me up. No series. I'm not interested in series right now. Totally fair.

Unless it's really, really good. Outside of my nostalgic reread, I could do a duology maybe, but I'm also, yeah, I want a tight standalone story. Oh, okay. I think you should read The Butcher of the Forest, which was the book that I was reading when I was visiting you. Yeah, that looked fun. And it was really small. It was a nice, tight, like, I can't remember the page count, but it was like a novella length thing. I kind of wish it had been a little longer,

but also I'm wondering if she's gonna turn it into, like it's a standalone book, but I think there's potential for a sequel that I would be interested in reading. And if they're that short, I'm into it. Yeah. Sometimes it's nice to have just short, I'm into it. Yeah. Sometimes it's nice to have just a, I mean, that's why we like our fairy tales so much.

They're nice short stories. Exactly. They're usually pretty whole and complete sometimes. Sometimes, I mean, you know, and then we make up our own headcanon if it's not. So there's that. Ooh, I'm currently watching a K drama that my friend Jen turned me on to, which is all about Korean folklore.

Oh, cool. Which is a good time. It's called Korean Odyssey. It's on Netflix. It's about like a monkey deity who falls, well, it's an enemies to lovers like situation with like a asshole monkey thing. Love that. Asshole monkey.

Monkey deity. With an asshole monkey who falls in love with a girl who can see ghosts. It's like grim if the romance was better. You know, I would love that. I love that. Maybe I'll check it out. I've got Netflix. Yeah, it's excellent. My first story, I'm gonna tell you,

and then I'm gonna tell you the name of it so you have time to think about your predictions while I go pee, and I need to refill my mimosa. The story is called Haken Grizzle Beard. What country is it from? It is from, OK, I found this story from Norse Fairy and Folk Tales compiled by James Shepherd. And it is translated by George W. Dissent. So is this Scandinavian?

Okay, cool. I don't know exactly what country. Let me count them. How many predictions do I get? You get three. Hagen Grizzle Beard. I actually think Caroline might have planned to tell us this story because that sounded really familiar when I saw it.

But then she ended up telling us a different story. She told us the one she wrote instead. Of course I chose it because Grizzle Beard. Love that. Yeah, obviously. Love that. Obviously, that would be a very attractive title to Kelsey. I think that's how you say it. Haken, it's like bacon, but. Love that. Obviously. That would be a very attractive title to Kelsey. I think that's how you say it.

Haken, it's like bacon, but with an H. Sure. Is that how you would say it? I would say Haken, yeah. Or Hakone, maybe. Oh, hold on one second. I opened a YouTube video and it's really loud. Okay. Hakon.

Hakon, okay. Oh, this says it's from Italy. Okay. Hack on. Hack on. Okay. This is from Italy. Hack on. I'm probably... Hack on. Weird. Okay. Haken.

I like Haken. What's shaking, Haken? What's shaking, Haken? I love it. Okay. That's what it is. I'll be right back. Okay.

I'll be here thinking about my predictions. Okay. thinking about my predictions. Get our minute of silence in there. Okay, my predictions are thus. Yes. Horse murder. Love that for us. And so smart for a Scandinavian story. Grizzle beard is a troll. Ooh, grizzle beard is a troll. Okay.

Important food. Important food. Okay. Important food. Important food. Okay. I'm so excited to tell you this. Oh, thank you. I have the book out, but I also found it on the internet. So I'm going to read it from that so it's a little easier. Okay. Sounds good. So I'm actually reading it from the sacred texts.com, which you'll be able to find in our show notes. All of the fairy tales there are free, obviously. It's pretty cool. It's a great website. Also, Abby, I'm absolutely dying at your completely wrong but also correct prediction.

Oh, I'm so excited. What's up? You're wrong, but you're also right, and I love that. But I'm also right. I'm right, but not in the way that I intended to be. Exactly. He popped it, he blocked it, and he dropped it. He dropped it. So, I'm very excited. I am retickled by my own joke and I…

Me too. It's a good position to be in in life. Well, you've got another one coming up, so I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I'm so fucking excited. Okay. Haken Grizzlebeard, once upon a time, there was a princess who was so proud and pert that no suitor was good enough for her.

Which you know what? Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Good for her. No suitor is good enough for her. I agree. Well, she made a game of them all and she sent them about their business one after the other.

But though she was so proud, still new suitors kept on coming to the palace for she was the beauty, the wicked hussy." The wicked hussy. The story is already so judgmental. I know. It's hilarious. I do love that. Wicked hussy. She is a wicked hussy though. Oh, okay. Is she? For real?

Not just because no man is good enough for her. That's probably true. That's probably true. So one day there came a prince to woo her and his name was a Haken Grizzlebeard. But the first night he was there, the princess bade the king's fool, cut off the ears of one of the prince's horses, and slit the jaws of the other up to the ears. Ooh. Because she's a fucking psycho pig.

Okay. Yeah. Ha ha. What? A funny prank? Mm. Okay. I feel like she is a wicked hussy. I agree with this story. I do support women's rights and their wrongs, but not when it comes to animal cruelty. Is this like the equivalent of like keying somebody's car? She took a, what was it? She took a Louisville slugger to both headlights.

Yeah. Oh my God. oh no, yeah, probably. Fucking A. But also like- And she didn't even do it herself. She made the king's fool do it. And not just kill this horse. I don't even know if it died actually. So cut off the ears and slit the jaws of the other up to the ears.

That's fucked. That's so fucked. Cause like, oh my God, like, oh, ooh, killing, that's fucked. That's so fucked. Because like, oh my God, like, oh, ooh, killing it's one thing, but like, that's just straight up like, that's just cruelty. And to what a horse, what did the horse do to you? Why are you making, oh God, why are you giving it the Joker treatment? Wicked Joker treatment. Wicked Joker treatment. Wicked Hasi.

So the prince went out to drive the next day. The princess stood on the porch and looked at him. Well, she cried, I never saw the like of this in all my life. The keen North Wind that blows here had taken the ears off one of your horses and the others stood by and gave to what was going on until his jaws were split right up to his ears. And with that, she burst out into a roar of laughter because she's fucking crazy, ran in, slammed the door and let him dry off.

Okay, so I don't think they're dead, but horribly mutilated. Horses are not dead, yeah. I feel like you get a half point for horse mutilation. The horses were harmed. The horses were harmed. Two of them actually. Because damn, every single time.

She's laughing about the North Wind blowing, like taking the ears off. That's awful. Anyway. Okay. Wow. What are we going to do to Punisher? He drove home. He drove home, but as he went, he thought to himself that he would pay her off one day. After a bit, he put on a great beard of moss, threw a great fur cloak over his clothes,

and dressed himself up just like any other beggar. He went to a goldsmith and bought a golden spinning wheel and sat down with it under the princess's window, began to file away at a spinning wheel and to turn it this way and that for it wasn't quite in order besides it wanted to stand. So when the princess rose up in the morning... That's so casual. He casually got a golden spinning wheel. I mean, he is a prince. Yeah, but like they did, yeah. He commissioned it to be made.

Commissioned. I feel like there's like a little bit of stuff missing from the story every now and then. But you know, it's fairy tale land. So maybe he did just have a gold spinning wheel lying around. He had a gold, yeah, he'd already made one and didn't have an immediate use for it. So when the princess rose up in the morning, she came to the window and threw it up and called out to the beggar if he would sell his golden spinning wheel. No, it isn't for sale, said Hickey and Grizzlebeard, but if I may have leave to sleep outside your

bedroom door tonight, I'll give it to you. Oh. Oh. Oh. Well, ho, ho, ho, ho. Well, the princess thought it a good bargain. There could be no danger in letting him sleep outside her door. So she got the wheel and at night Haken Grizzlebeard lay down outside of her bedroom. But as the night wore on, he began to freeze. He just, just, just, just, just, just so cold. Do let me in,' he cried. "'You've lost your wits outright, I think,' said the princess. "'Oh, it is so bitter cold.

Pray do let me in,' said the hanky grizzle beard again. "'Hush, hush, hold your tongue,' said the princess. If my father were to know that there were a man in the house, I would be in a fine scrape." Oh, literally says that. It's like, I am almost frozen to death. Only let me come in and lie on the floor, said Hagen Grizzlebeard. Yes, there was no help for it. She had to let him in. And when he was, he lay on the ground and slept like a top.

Slept like a top. Like a top. Okay. Which I feel like nowadays has two meanings. It sure does. Absolutely. Yeah. Go on.

Definitely not like a bottom. Sometime after, Hagan home again, or hold on. Some time after, Higgin came again with a stand to the spinning wheel and sat down under the princess's window and began to file at it, for it was not quite fit for use. When she heard him filing, she threw up the window and began to talk to him and to ask what he had there. Oh, only the stand to the spinning wheel which your Royal Highness bought,

for I thought as you had the wheel, you might like to have the stand too. What do you want for it? Asked the princess, but it was not for sale any more than the wheel, but she might have them if she would give him leave to sleep on the floor of her bedroom the next night. sleep on the floor of her bedroom the next night. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Uh-uh-uh. Well, she gave him leave only to be sure to lie still and not to shiver out and call hoodoo-doo or any such stuff. Haken Grizzlebeard promised fair enough, but as the night wore on, he began to shiver and shake and to ask whether or not he might come near

and lie on the floor alongside the princess's bed. There was no help for it. She had to give him leave, lest the king should hear the noise he made. So Haken Griswoldbeard lay alongside the princess's bed and slept like a top. It was a long while before Hake and Grisivoyard came again, but when he came, he had with him a golden wool winder, and he sat down and began to file away at it under the princess's window. Then came the old story over again. When the princess heard what was going on, she came to the window and asked him how he did and whether he would sell the golden wool winder.

she came to the window and asked him how he did and whether he would sell the golden wool winder. It is not to be had for money, but if you'll leave me to sleep tonight in your bedroom with my head on your bedstead, you shall have it for nothing," said Haken Grizzlebeard. Now I see his game. I'm imagining this is very sexy. Like, there definitely. He has to be hot, otherwise there is no fucking way. With his moss beard?

Yeah, I mean, maybe they like that. A little sad it's not like a real one. Yeah, his moss beard. Then why is he called grizzle beard? That's true. Did he just put moss over it? What if he just put a fake beard over it? I think he put moss. That's hilarious.

That's very funny. I wonder, or if he just put a bunch of moss in his beard. He just already has one of those super long grizzly beards. Oh, I like that. And now it looks green. It just looks less unkempt. Yeah, exactly. But he has got to be a strapping man for her to be. Because there's a flirty energy of, oh, there's

nothing to be done about it. I have to let him sleep in my room. Oh, I have to let him sleep next to my bed. I love it. It's very sexy, very flirty, very fun. Very fun. I loved her except for the horse thing. I think maybe there's just a joke we're not getting or something. That's true.

It could be. Because she said something about the North Wind carried away your horse's ears. I wonder if- Maybe it had to be there. Maybe it had to be there. Maybe they really just didn't care about animals at all and they're like, oh, oh, it's so funny. Anyway.

I stuck. Yep. I'm just going to get over it. Go on. I love a wicked hussy. So, well, she would give him leave if only he gave his word to be quiet and make no noise. So he said he would do his best to be still,

but as the night wore on, he began to shiver and shake so that his teeth had chattered again. It's so bitter cold. Oh, do let me get into bed and warm myself just a little," said Hickey Grizzlebeard. Get into bed, said the princess. Why, you must have lost your wits. That's a bridge too far. Do let me get into bed.

Hush, hush, be still for God's sake, said the princess. If father knows there's a man in here, I shall be in a sad plight. I'm sure he'll kill me on the spot. Let me get into bed, said Haken Grizzlebeard, who kept on shivering so that the whole room shook. Yeah, he's definitely like a huge guy. Yeah. Well, there was no help for it.

She had to let him get into bed. She had to let him get into bed. She had to let him get into bed with her. There was no other choice. No other choice. Just like she had to let him sleep in the room. So she let him get into bed where he slept both sound and soft, but a little while after the princess had a child. I bet she did. So sound and so soft.

They were just sleeping. It's literally one paragraph where it's like, where he slept both sound and soft, but a little while after the princess had a child. Had a child from the sleeping. Yep. So, so soundly and so softly. It's definitely the first time they did that. Definitely.

I mean, that was the first time. Definitely not when he was sleeping on the floor. Definitely not then. He just had to come into her bed. And do you think daddy is happy about this? Daddy no, is not happy about that because she is a wicked hussy. A wicked hussy. So she had a child at which the king grew so wild with rage that he was near making an end of both

mother and babe because he's also a wicked husky. Everybody in the story needs to calm the fuck down. He needs to calm the fuck down. Absolutely. Except maybe Grizzlebeard because I think he was actually a little too chill about what she did to his horse. I'm for real. Well, he's getting her back, I guess. This is like all- I guess. Like- He could be what some would call a troll. He's a troll. Amazing. Amazing. Just after this happened, came Hic and Grizzlebeard, tramping away once more, as if by chance,

and took a seat down in the kitchen like any other beggar. So when the princess came out and saw him, she cried, Oh, God, have mercy on me for the ill luck you have brought on me. Father is ready to burst with rage. Do let me follow you to your home. Oh, I'll be bound. She's like, get me the fuck out of here. I got to leave.

Take care of your children and your baby mama. Absolutely. You are responsible for any children you have. Wrap it before you tap it if you don't want the consequences. Wrap it before to have it. That's definitely a title contender. Oh, I'll be bound to your too well-bred to follow me, said Haken, for I have nothing but a log hut to live in.

And how shall I ever get food for you when I can't tell? For it's just as much as I can do to get food for myself. And yet I had a golden spinning wheel, a golden stand, and a golden wool winder. I know. Why doesn't she go get the stuff and bring it with her? She's panicking. She's freaking out. She doesn't want to get murdered.

She somehow managed to hide the entire pregnancy from daddy, but not... It just happens to be a child here all of a sudden. Oh, what is the problem? Where did this kid come from? I don't know. Oh, yes. It's all the same to me how you get it or whether you get it at all. Only let me be with you for if I stay here any longer, my father will be sure to take my life." So she got to leave with the beggar as she called him and they

walked a long, long way, though she was but a poor hand at tramping. When she passed out of her father's land into another, she asked who it was. Oh, this is Hagen Grizzlebeards, if you must know. If you must know. If you must know. And just a quick little reminder, because I didn't realize this while I was reading it. She doesn't know that, like, she met Haken Grizzlebeard when he was a prince, obviously. So she recognizes the name, but she doesn't know that that's... Right, but she doesn't know that this is Haken Grizzlebeard, because he so cleverly disguised

himself with moss in his beard. With moss in his beard and a big fur coat. And a big fur. But she did meet him as a princess, so she knows his name. Yes. So I know. That confused me for a little bit when I first read it. So everybody else is probably smarter than me. So anyway. That's not true. Indeed. But I did kind of pick you though, yes.

Indeed, said the princess, I might have married him if I chose and then I should not have to walk about like a beggar's wife. Maybe you shouldn't have split his horse's face open. Seriously. It's fucked up. So whenever they came to grand castles and woods and parks, she asked whose they were. The beggar's answer was still the same. Oh, Hagen grizzlebeards.

And the princess was in a sad way that she had not chosen the man with such broad lands. Yeah, you chose grizzlebeard and his green mossy beard. You wicked hussy. You wicked hussy. You decided that you would rather mess around with a mossy beggar. Girl, I get it. I mean, he's obviously high. Money isn't everything.

Money isn't everything. Last of all, they came to... You got to see what that peen do. What that peen do. Last of all, they came to a palace. What is that? Does the carpet match the drapes? Do you think he put moss in his pubes?

I hope so. Last of all, they came to a palace where he said he was known and where he thought he could get her work so that they might have something to live on. So he built up a cabin by the wood side and he's a builder. He's also truly committed to the bit. So he built up a cabin by the wood side for them to dwell in and every day he went to the king's palace as he said, he would and to draw water for the cook. And when he came back, he brought a few scraps of meat, but they did not go very far. One day he came home from the palace, he said, Tomorrow I will stay at home and look after the baby,

but you must get ready to go to the palace, do you hear? For the prince said you were to come and try your hand at baking. I bake, said the princess. I can't bake for I've never done such a thing in my life. Well, you must go, said Haken. The princess said it. If you can't bake, you can learn.

You have only got to look how the rest bake and mind when you leave, you must steal me some bread. I can't steal, said the princess. You can learn that too, said Aiken. Hey, yeah, you can. You know we live on short. Aiken Grizzlebeard is my boy. I fucking love this guy.

I love him. It's rare that I'm siding with the prince in this situation, but here we are. He has a grizzle beard. I just love him. It was literally why I chose this story because he's so great. So when she was well on her way, Hagen ran by a shortcut and reached the palace long before her and threw off his rags and beard and put on his princely robes. Amazing.

The princess—I know. What a quirky guy. What a quirky dude. What a kook. The princess took her turn in the bakehouse, as did Bacon Bait her, for she stole bread till her pockets were crammed full. So she's about to go home and even, the prince said. We don't know how much of this old wife Haken Grizzlebeards.

Okay, so this is what I don't understand is literally the prince is saying, we don't know how much of this old wife of Haken Grizzlebeards. I think we'd best see if she's taken anything away with her. But why is he calling the wife of Hickey Grizzlebeard when they were just saying the name? See, I think that's what confused me. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, now that is confusing. I also don't know what that means. Is he talking to himself? There's two Hickey Grizzlebeards. That's funny if that's true.

He has two personalities? Oh my God. I mean, that's not what's going on obviously. Now I'm wondering. Okay. Okay. Maybe, yeah, confusing. So anyway, I'm going to just refer to that as the beggar because I find that that's why I was confused.

It's not just me. Okay. No, that is confusing. I don't get what that means. We don't know much of this old wife of the beggar because I find that that's why I was confused. It's not just me. Okay. No, that is confusing. I don't get what that means. We don't know much of this old wife of the beggars. I think we'd best see if she's taken anything with her. So he'd the rest his hand into all her pockets and felt her all over, which also, and he found the bread and he was in a great rage and led them all a sad life. It's like kind of old timey. I think the translation is not perfect.

Led them all a sad life. I think like he just made her a little miserable. Yeah. She began to weep and bewail and said, The beggar made me do it. I couldn't help it. Well, said the prince at last, it ought to have gone hard with you. But all the same for the sake of the beggar, you shall be forgiven this once." When she was well on her way, he threw off his robes, put on a skin cloak and a false beard and reached the cabin before

her. So committed. He's an asshole. When she came home, he was busy nursing the baby. What was the baby doing all day? I know. Did he leave the baby alone? I hope he didn't. I hope you brought the baby doing all day? I know, did he leave the baby alone? Like, I hope he didn't. Like, I hope he brought the baby with him and passed him off to a nurse or something. I bet he did. He left the baby at home with three fairies.

It was fine. Yeah, it was fine. You know how those silly kings do. Yeah, they're just, you know, they're weird. Well, okay. This is the origin story of every tricky king. For sure. Yeah.

This is the like, I love that tricky king origins. Yeah. So he's at home nursing the baby. Well, you have made me do what it went against my heart to do. This is the first time I ever stole and this shall be the last. And with that, she told him how it had gone with her and what the prince had said. But after a few days, after Haken Grizzlebeard came home at evening and said, tomorrow I must stay at home and mine the babe for they are going to kill a pig at the palace and you must help to make the sausages.

I make sausages, said the princess. I can't do any such thing. I have eaten sausages often enough. But as to making them, I've never made one in my life. Well, there was no help for it. The princess said it and go she must, for not knowing how, she was only to do what the others did, and at the same time, Hagen bade her steal some sausages for him. Nay, but I can't steal them, she said. You know how it went last time. Well, you can learn to steal, but who knows if you may have better luck next time, said

Haken Grizzlebeard. When she was well on her way, Haken ran by a shortcut, reached the palace long before her, threw off a skinned cloak and false beard, and stood in the kitchen with his royal robes before she came in. So the princess stood by when the pig before she came in. So the princess stood by when the pig was killed and made sausages with the rest and did Hagen bade her and stuffed her pockets full of sausages. I love this for her. I love that she's learning to bake. She's learning to make sausages. She's probably making friends with all the

other like kitchen maids. Yeah, all the other wicked hussies that live in the palace. I really love this for her. Me too. I think this is good for her. But when she was about to go home at evening, the prince said, this beggar's wife was long finger last time. We may as well see if she hasn't carried anything off.

So he began to thrust his hands into her pockets. When he found the sausages, he was in a great rage again and made a great do threatening to send for the constable and put her into the cage. I like that it's the cage and not a cage. The cage. Yeah. The cage. Well, I mean, is that like a thing?

Is that like a torture device that the castle would just have on hand? Like the cage? Yeah, like an Iron Maiden. Or like in movies where it's kind of like the stocks where you put people in a cage that's hung in the square or whatever. Probably. That's so fucked up telling her to steal and then catch her. And then catching her and then like using it

as an excuse to like fuel her up a little. This I don't like so much. It's not great but it is funny. But it's also kind of funny. And she did mutilate a horse earlier in the story so I don't feel that bad for her. Oh God bless you Royal Highness. Do let me off. The beggar made me do it, she said and wept bitterly. Well, you ought to smart for it, but for the beggar's sake, you shall be forgiven. When she was gone, he changed his clothes again, ran by the shortcut. When

she reached the cabin, there he was before her. Then she told him the whole story and swore through thick and thin that it would be the last time he got her to do such a thing. Now, it fell out a little time after when a man came back from the palace and he said, "'Our prince is going to be married, "'but the bride is sick, "'so the tailor can't measure her for the wedding gown.

"'And the prince's will is that you should go up "'to the palace and be measured instead for the wedding gown. And the prince's will is that you should go up to the palace and be measured instead of the bride. Oh my God. Isn't that so cute? Honestly, yeah, that's kind of cute. Like, that's kind of cute. Like he's like, all right, I've tortured her enough.

And now she knows how to be useful. Wow. For he says you are just the same height and shape, which is so lucky. But after you have been measured, mind you don't go away. You can stand about, you know, and when the tailor cuts out the gown, you can snap up the largest pieces

and bring them home for a waistcoat for me. Nay, but I can't steal, she said. Besides, you know how I went last time. You can learn then, said Hagen, and you may have better luck perhaps. She thought it bad, but she still went and did. I believe in you. Yeah. He's like, baby girl, you got, he must be so charming.

He must be. She thought it bad, but she still went and did as she was told. It's a little taming of the shrew-esque. I was totally going to say that at the end of the episode when we discuss our fixes because it's very taming of the shrew-esque because he is punishing her for being so wicked. I don't know, I had a different thought in Escape Me, but we'll talk about it later too. You're so right. That's my whole point. But it's still fun.

I'm having a good time. They're both behaving badly, poorly, you know what I mean? Yeah, well and like him more than her at this point because like now he's really now he's really like Sir you are a father lighting her and punishing her and like making her live in this little log cabin With him and like tell and like and I'm a little worried for her that she feels that like she has to do this Not because like he's so hot but because like she's afraid of what will happen to her that she feels that she has to do this, not because he's so hot, but because she's afraid of what will happen to her if she doesn't. He'll kick her out, and she has nowhere to go. I'm a little torn.

It's not great. The longer it goes on, the less funny it is. I'm still having fun. I'm choosing to enjoy it. It's a fairy tale. It's okay. It's a fairy tale. Yeah. But also, yeah, sir, you are a father. Sir, why are you making your child live in this hut? Get it together. Get it together. Yeah, exactly. You're a prince, damn it. She stood by while the tailor was cutting out the gown and she swept down on all the

biggest scraps and stuffed them into her pockets. When she was going away, the prince said, we may as well see if this old girl has not been long-fingered this time, do. Do. He began to feel and search her pockets and when he found the biggest pieces, he was in a rage. He began to stamp and scold at a great rate while she wept and said, Ah, pray forgive me. The beggar made me do it. I couldn't help it. Well, you ought to smart for it. But for the beggar's sake, it shall be forgiven you." Why isn't the beggar getting it anyway?

I also wonder why, I don't know, This is an ask more question situation because why does the prince keep saying for the beggar's sake? Yeah. Why is the beggar important? Because he's so great. He's awesome and everybody loves him. So went now just as it had gone before. When she got back to the cabin, the beggar

was there before her. Oh, heaven help me, she said, you will be the death of me at last by making me nothing but what is wicked. The prince was in such a towering rage that he threatened me both with the constable and cage. Sometime after, Hanken came home to the cabin that evening and said, Now the prince's will is that you should go up to the palace and stand for the bride, old lass, for the bride is still sick and then keeps her bed,

but he won't put off the wedding. And he says you were so like her that no one could tell from the other. So tomorrow you must go and get ready to the palace. Oh my God. I think you've lost your wits, both the prince and you. Said she. Yeah. Do you think I look fit to stand in the bride's place? Look at me, can any beggar's troll look worse than I? Well, the prince said you were to go and so you must, said Hagen Grizzlebeard. There was no help for it, go she must.

And when she reached the palace, they dressed her out so finely that no princess ever looked so smart. And pretty and funny. And pretty and funny. And beautiful. The bride train went to church and where she stood for the bride and when they came back, there was dancing and merriment in the palace. But just as she was in the midst of dancing with the prince, she saw a gleam of light through the window, and lo, the cabin by the woodside was all in one bright flame. Oh, the beggar and the babe and the cabin, she screamed out and was just about to swoon away. Here is the beggar and there is the babe.

Here is the beggar and there is the babe, and so let the cabin burn away, said Hagen Grizzlebeard. Then she knew him again, and after that, Mirth and Merriman began and write Ernest. But since that, I have never heard tell anything more about them. The end. Wow. So, Abby, you got one and a half points. I do believe I did.

That man was a fucking troll. He was totally a troll. That man was trolling. Totally trolling. That's so funny because that is not what I meant. That man was a troll, 100%. But he was totally a troll. And the horses weren't murdered, but they were mutilated.

Yeah. I'm going to give you a half point. In fact, part of me wants to give you a half point for important food because there wasn't like an important food, but food was very important. Because you kept stealing it. You know what? Yeah, I'm going to give you two points for that. Oh, excellent. Yes. Two points. Two points for Abby. I fully agree that I deserve those because unintentionally being right is so funny. That's my favorite actually.

I love that so much. And that was a really good story. I really enjoyed that. Yeah, that was a fun one. That was so fun. I definitely think everyone was behaving poorly, but it was just a fun ride. I enjoyed the story. It was a fun ride. I mean, because there's also part, Taming of the Shrew is such a problematic trope,

and this was definitely a Taming of the Shrew-esque tale. But I don't know. I still enjoyed it because it was funny. Yeah. I like that he just puts on a fake beard over his real beard. Over his real beard, obviously. I love that. Yes, that's very important.

I don't know. It doesn't explicitly say that, but that's how I like to imagine it. That's totally what happened. I love that the story is very winky about... Oh, and he slept so soft and soundly, and then a little while later she had a child. And she just had to let him sleep in her bed. There was nothing else to be done here. Certainly not for calling for the castle guards to yonk him away. I know, right? No, so like-

I feel like this creeper just came into the house. So it's very like, so there's also like, it's a very sexy story for a fairy tale. Yeah. And like, I kind of imagine that in like a dramatized version of it, like even him searching her pockets could be like a little, like have a little sexual tension there. Also, she like kind of like have been wishing she'd married the prince instead. Yeah, exactly. So, it's like, I don't know.

It's very- I don't know. ... very flirtatious. Exactly. I liked that story. My only fix for it is that she didn't mutilate the horse. I don't understand why. I don't get the joke.

Yeah, I agree. I think if she had just like, I don't know, what if she put like clothes on the horse or like something cute like that, something just not me. Literally anything but mutilating animals like with a dog. Yeah, or like swapped the horse with a donkey or something. There you go. Just any other kind of thing to make her less scary sounding. She sounds psycho. 100%. What the fuck is going on in your mind? Yes, a wicked hussy indeed. It was so funny because as I was reading it, I was just like, I love her. And then I was like, what the fuck? What the fuck?

Okay. Never mind. So classic what the fuck fairy tale. That was so fun though. I loved it. I'm glad you liked it. Me too. It's a fun time.

Thank you for telling me that story. Yeah. Yeah. yeah. Okay. So the story I'm telling you today is actually a, it is going to be a cold reading from me. Ooh, okay. Love it. But what book did you choose?

I chose Fearless Girls, Wise Women, and Beloved Sisters. Fuck yes. Because reading from the other Wise Women book reminded me that this book exists. It's so good. The last time we read from that book, because I just decided to look it up on the show notes real fast. Oh, okay. Cool.

Yeah, yeah. Was 2022. Dang. In October. And it was the Vampire Skeleton. Oh, I love that story. That's a great episode. It's such a good episode.

Everybody check out episode 51 if you haven't because it's also the skull and the vampire skeleton. That was a great episode. Agreed. Yay. I'm so stoked. Me too. So the story that I am going to read, and it's a cold reading because the book

kind of fell open on this story, so it just kind of seemed like a sign. But then I had other stuff to do this morning and I didn't actually get a chance to read it first. No worries. So this story is called The Magic Eagle. Ooh. Okay. I love how people use, like for movies and stuff, they use like a red tail hawk, like

an actual red tail hawk call instead of an eagle call because eagles don't sound like fearsome like that for the American eagle thing. I was just talking about this with my coworkers the other day. That's so funny. Because their sounds are actually, their call is so embarrassing. So they want something that's much more impressive sounding. So they use the sound of a red-tailed hawk and I think that's so funny. That's amazing. I didn't know that.

I'm glad that you told me that. I get to know that now because red-tailed hawks do sound cool. Yeah, they have that pew. Listen, look up eagle. I can't remember what they're called, great eagle or whatever, but just eagle noises and they're just like kind of like, like, that was a terrible impression. Eagle. But they're not that it's not that impressive. They're like, I don't know, I'm going to look at a bald eagle scream.

Oh my God. That is not a fearsome noise. It's chirping. Uh-huh. Yeah, they chirp. It's making chirping noises. It sounds like a cheeping songbird and not like a fearsome eagle. Yeah. That's like a red-tailed hog, I'm pretty sure. No, I think you're right.

But eagles are like not, I'm pretty sure. No, I think you're right. But eagles are not, I don't know. It's big. It's such a squeaky sound to come out of such a majestic looking animal. They're so majestic looking. It's so red-tailed hawks. I don't know. It's fine. Oh, yeah.

Just bald and cool. Oh, no. Yeah. Red-tailed hawks are very cool and majestic looking. And bald eagles are very cool and majestic looking. But I love that honestly is such a hilarious metaphor for America. It really is. That we really are all about what it looks like versus what it actually is. 100%.

They look fierce. They are. They're big, strong, rappers. Yeah, they're cool birds. It's just all about presentation and then kind of lying to ourselves about... Gosh, I feel like there's another fact about bald eagles that is they steal other birds like stuff. like they steal their nests or something.

They're little thieves. They're scouts. They're very cowardly birds. It's one of the reasons why I remember reading that when the founding fathers were debating what our national bird should be. Ben Franklin wanted a turkey because turkeys are indigenous to the area and very large and impressive and will fight you. They will. I've had turkeys look at my car and just puff up their feathers like, yeah, come at me. Come at me. I'll fight you, bro. With your fucking car. Whereas bald eagles look impressive, but they're actually pretty cowardly birds. Anyway, that's

so funny. I'm so glad I know that now. I did not know that. Thank you. I learned something new today. Our national symbol, the bald eagle. The bald eagle makes such cute cheeping noises. But we lie in movies and pretend it makes a really impressive screech. I know. I think that's so funny. It also kind of makes me think of how the fake sounds they make for dinosaurs when really like they probably sounded like birds. They also probably sounded like cheaping songbirds.

Gosh, I mean, that's still terrifying. Sure, because it's a giant monster. Birds are terrifying. If a bird's attacking you, even a small one. There's a reason why there are so many stories in which birds peck out someone's eyes. Like birds are scary. Then I will swoop down and rip the little girl's face off. Rip the little girl's face off.

It's a German fairy tale. It's pretty dark. Oh, my goodness. Anyway, okay. This is the Magic Eagle. The Magic Eagle, and it's from the Timotayan people of Venezuela. Okay. Well, since it's Venezuelan, I was originally thinking maybe, you know what? I'm still going to make this prediction.

The Magic Eagle's not so great. Love it. Okay. Excellent. Shitty eagle. He's not shitty. He's just not so great. It's still an eagle.

Oh, well, thank you. It's a magic. Okay. Well, maybe he's just not, maybe they, he, she, they, I don't know. Whatever. They're great. They're so great. What else?

Oh, do I get, are we doing three predictions? I don't know. Whatever. It's so great. That's so great. What else? Oh, are we doing three predictions? Hang on. Let me try not to look. Yeah, it's definitely a three prediction story. Okay. It's like two pages. All right.

Magic Eagles, not so great. Oh, Venezuelan. That's so cool. I don't think we've ever read a Venezuelan story. I don't think we've ever read a Venezuelan story. I don't think we've ever done a Venezuelan story before. It's a new country for us, which means we're going to do a geography corner after we do our predictions. Good idea. Okay. Second prediction is... Is it bad that I want to predict fairy tale mice?

No, go for it. Why not? I don't think that would be good in that situation. I mean, maybe not. I think this is probably more in the lake, but also like you never know. No. Magic, the magic eagle. I should have made you made predictions first so I could piggyback off of your radius. See, I can't even. I don't, hold on.

This is the hardest part. It is. And I'm always wrong anyway. You're always wrong, but also right. I'm always, yeah, hilariously sort of right. All right, I'm gonna predict there's a fight. Ooh, a fight. Okay.

There's a fight and also something about fish. Fish? Something about fish. Something about fish. You got it. Okay. I don't know. Love it. Eagles like to fish, right?

Sure, actually, yeah, I think they actually are fishing birds. So that's actually probably not a bad prediction. I don't know. I'm predicting the magic eagle is barely in it. Oh, that's a great prediction. The magic eagle is a deity. Oh, I like it. Deity. You know. And finally, talking animal. Well, let's hope it's a talking fish. That'd be fucking slap. I would love that.

What if the magic eagle picks up a fish but the fish is like, please don't eat me. Please don't. I have a family. I'll make you magic if you don't eat me. That's what creates the magic eagle. That's what makes it. The eagle becomes magic in the story. That's kind of fun.

I love that idea. The fish grants it. The fish grants magic in the story. That's kind of fun. I love that idea. The fish grants it. The fish grants magic. Magic powers. I would totally love that story. That would be pretty awesome. Okay, so quick geography corner for those of us, including me before I looked at a map who don't know where Venezuela is.

I knew vaguely South America, but I didn't think it was at the very top of South America. It is the northmost country in South America, although there is a little bit of Colombia that juts out over it, but it is Brazil. That's it. Those are the three. Love it. Its capital city is Caracas. Wow, that's a big end. The Timotane people are from the, my directions are all fucked up up in the westernmost part of the country. That is where our story is set.

Very cool. Here we go. One day long ago, God Chess left his home in the sky and came to earth to bestow on his favorite chieftain a rare and beautiful gift. It was an eagle made of solid gold. Fuck yeah. That's a great gift. That's a good gift. Wait, is it alive as gold or is it just like a statue? So skillfully designed was this bird that it seemed to be almost alive, so it's a statue. Love it. The chieftain took the eagle in his strong hands. He looked at it in odd silence, overwhelmed. He could find no proper words with which to thank the God for favoring him over the chieftains of other tribes.

Aw. God, I know. He's so humble and so humble. He's not like, yes, I deserve this. Yes. I understand why I am the chosen of God. Yeah, exactly. Instead he's like, wow, thank you so much. I don't know what I did to deserve this. Love that. Love a humble king. You too. God Chess understood the chieftain's silence and said, because of your goodness and wisdom, you alone are worthy of this honor. This golden eagle is not only beautiful,

but it has magical powers that will bring your tribe victory in battle and good fortune in times of peace. Guard the eagle and keep it safe until I ask for its return. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. The chieftain answered humbly, oh, great God chess, I hope my tribe and I shall always deserve your kindness. When you want the eagle back, only give us a sign and the golden bird

will be returned at once. Oh my God, he's going to lose the eagle. I fear so. Bonus prediction. Bonus prediction. A deity has given someone an instruction, this instruction will not be obeyed. Oh my God. Now I'm so nervous for him. I guess we don't have to be nervous for this chieftain in particular because the next sentence

is, and so it came to pass that for generation after generation, the God's gift brought victory and good fortune to the tribe. The golden eagle was passed from one noble chieftain to the next. Okay, good. Well, you know what? I'm happy for him. That guy stayed gold. Stay gold, baby. He had a great life. Love that for him. Okay. Me too. Now I'm not so worried. So years have passed and still the God chess has not asked for the return of this cherished possession.

Finally, an unusual event took place. It had never before happened in this triumph's history. A young and beautiful princess became the ruler for it was the law of the Timotane people that a daughter could succeed her father if there were no sons. Fuck yes. I'm going to be pissed if she's the one that loses the shingle. You probably will be.

Women. This can't hang on to this. Actually, I have hope. This is the book that's all about stories where women do cool stuff. Yes. Love this. Fucking love this book. Me too. Okay, because the princess was wise and beautiful,

she was accepted by both the men and women of her tribe. They were proud of her just rule. They loved her kind and gentle ways. Although she looked fragile, she was as strong as the little hummingbird whose dainty wings can carry it on long flights. I love it.

Though her close friends sometimes worried about her frailty, they were sure that no harm could ever befall their beloved princess. Famous last words. Nevertheless, she had not ruled for so many moons before she became ill, so ill that the witch doctors were powerless to drive away the terrible affliction that threatened her life. They spent hours making special brews and medicines, while priests burned sacrifices to chess on the altar.

In desperation, the people painted their bodies red and danced until they fell from exhaustion. They pleaded with chess to spare their princess. Still, there was no answer and the tribe sat helplessly as the princess grew weaker each hour. I know, I'm very worried about her. One morning, long before sunrise, the princess awakened from a restless sleep. She called weakly to her dearest friend and companion.

Mestafa, she whispered through fever-parched lips. God Chess has given me a message in my sleep. He asks that the golden eagle be returned at once to his temple on the mountain peak. Better return it. Man, so the God isn't even worried about her. He's just kind of like, I want my shit back. Well, maybe that's why the God may,

or like maybe like she's sick on purpose so she could actually speak to the god. You know, like she had to be between life and death. Oh, Kelsey. I mean, it didn't work. It didn't work that way with the other teeth, but. That's fair. You know, maybe that's wrong. Nevermind. Still though, I like it. I like, I like where your brain's wrong. Never mind. Still though, I like it. I like where your brain's at. God gives us battles to his mightiest warriors. His mightiest warriors. God never gives you something you can't handle. Oh my goodness.

Also I fucking love that like, I just love that that she's got a bunch of close friends and this particular person has been taking care of her. Let's hear more about this awesome queen. So Mustafa was certain that the fever had caused the princess to be confused. However, to soothe her, she answered, it was only a dream, dear princess. No, no, cried the princess. It was no dream, but I am too weak to return the eagle myself. So it is you who must go for me. When it is returned to the god chest, I shall be cured." See?

There you go. I think you're on to something there. Don't fuck it up. Don't fuck it up. Mustafa, right? Mustafa. Mustafa, right? Mustafa. Mustafa. Mufasa, Mufasa, Mufasa. Mufasa, Mufasa.

Do it again. Poor Mustafa. She was filled with doubts and fears. Even if what the princess said was true, how could she dare to approach the sacred temple? Only the chieftain could visit the mountain peak. How would she find her way through the forests and canyons? Because you're a fearless bad bitch. You are going to figure it out, I'm sure. So she sobbed to the princess, but how will I find my way?

And the princess held out her hand weakly and replied, do not be afraid, dear friend, for Chess will show you. Bitch, you got this. You've got this, God, I am busy. I am so sick. I'm dying. Because you do me this favor. So she tells Mustafa, Chess will protect you and show you the way.

Now take the eagle from beside my bed and go at once. When you reach the mountain peak, bury the bird at the side of the temple and call three times to God Chess. He will hear and give an answer. Cool. Easy. Sounds easy enough. Sounds easy enough, right?

You just have to climb a mountain. All you've got to do is climb a mountain. With a golden eagle in your hand. With a golden eagle. How heavy could it be? How heavy could it be? How many people could potentially try to take it from you? Yeah.

Well, also give her an entourage. Yes, send her with someone. Traveling is the sounds like, it sounds like a team sport. This is a team sport. I love it. But no, Mustafa is going alone. I do not wish you to die, my princess, she cried. And though I fear for my life, I'll gladly go and deliver the eagle. And the princess looked at her friend and smiled, do not fear, for we shall both be saved. I think that means Mustafa is going to marry the god or something at the end of it. We'll both be saved. Okay. that's mysterious. I love it.

Very mysterious. Mistofe took courage from these words and with the precious eagle wrapped in a soft woven cloth of black and gold, she started on her journey. Each mile, her burden grew heavier until she had to rest more and more often to catch her breath. But each time she arose with renewed strength. When at last, Mustafa saw the mountain peak in the distance, her spirit danced within her and suddenly her

feet seemed to carry her like wings up the steep road to the top. Hell yeah. You got this. Hell yeah. You got this, girl. Only then did she sink down on a rock to rest her weary legs. The journey had taken most of the day and Mustafa was eager to do her weary legs. The journey had taken most of the day and Mustafa was eager to do her errand and return to the princess before darkness came. So using a sharp rock, she dug a hole at the side of the temple. With tears streaming down her face, she buried the precious eagle that had been her tribe's dearest possession over the long years.

That does sound like a lot of pressure though. It's so much pressure. She's probably still thinking her friends just hallucinating because she's dying. She's like, God, please fucking be right. But if not, you know where it is. You can always go back and get it if she's just hallucinating. It sounds like it was just a day trip. Yeah, it's fine.

She thought of the dying princess and called loudly three times, God chess, God chess, God chess, oh great spirit, receive the golden, which the princess asked me to return to you and spare her life." And Mustafa prostrated herself on the ground, overcome by her emotions and by the sacred place. All was quiet. When she finally lifted her head, Mustafa saw that it was dark and realized that she had fallen asleep.

Oh, shit. How long have I slept? she asked herself fearfully. I dare not venture down the mountain until daybreak or I shall lose my way. Besides, I must wait for a sign from God-Chess. She found protection between two large boulders. She wrapped herself in the black and gold cloth in which she had carried the golden eagle. And safe and warm she fell asleep once more. When daylight came, she awakened with a start. For a moment,

she could not remember where she was until she saw an unusual sight. There in the spot where she had buried the eagle was a fully grown bush with green leaves and purple blossoms. Cool. It was cool. Yeah, I like that. I was expecting you to say a fully grown man. I was like, uh-huh.

I love a bush. A bush is great. Yes, it's very cool. I like the flowers going to savor princess. Oh, I think you're probably right. Yeah, as she approached the plant, Mustafa was startled to hear a voice coming from the bush. Oh, I don't know if I like that, but.

Gather my leaves in the black and gold cloth and bring them to the priests of your tribe. Instruct them to make a strong hot tea and serve it to the princess." And Mustafa is so stoked. It is a sign from God chess, Mustafa cried joyfully. Without a moment's delay, she picked dozens of leaves from the plant but did not disturb the flowers. She left those to beautify the temple. She's got an eye for aesthetics. She also honestly knows her fairy tale rules. Do exactly as you are instructed. Don't get greedy. The ugly flowers. Don't eat the ugly flower. God damn, Catterhood's mom.

But we're all grateful that she ignored those instructions. Yeah, that's true. Very grateful. Where's my mini series? Where is it? Give it to me. H-B-O, listen up. Oh yeah, that would be great because then it could get really sexy.

It could get really sexy. And bloody. Super dark. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. She gathered the cloth together in careful folds and held it tightly under her arm as she descended the mountain. She ran through the forest without stopping to rest.

At last she could see the homes of the villagers. Mustafa hurried the rest of the way until she fell at the feet of the princess to whom she told what happened. The princess called the priests, who wasted no time in preparing the strong brew, and all through the night the princess took sips of the tea. By morning, her lips had regained their color and her eyes were sparkling as ever. The fever was finally gone. In just a few more days, she had regained her health and was able

to make the journey to the temple to thank God chess for the new plant that had restored her health. The end, I guess. The end, I guess. I turned the page and the story's over. I loved that. I definitely wanted a little bit more, but it was still... All the stories in this book are amazing. I agree. I really enjoyed that. Every story is good, obviously, because it's all stories about women being awesome. I really liked that. That was really cool. The eagle was barely in it.

The eagle's barely in it. There are no talking animals. I even forgot. Was it a deity? It was more like a… The eagle wasn't a deity. It was a present from one. Yeah. I'm going to, I think I get a point for the magic eagle's not so great. Yep. I agree. It was okay.

It was okay. It was fine. But there was no fight and there was no fish. No fish, no fighting. I do like, like, it also is kind of like a story where it feels like nothing happens, but that's because the task was given to a competent woman and she went and did the task and just did it, followed the instructions and successfully completed the task that she was assigned. 100%. I thought the chief was going to lose the eagle.

And then when it was like, oh, Mustafa is going to take care of it. And it was like, oh, well. Well, and then consider it done. And she didn't fuck it up. She didn't fuck it up. Like, she did exactly what she was supposed to do. This is kind of the opposite of most fairy tales I feel like we read because the eagle was given in the first place to a chieftain that also was a pretty swell dude.

Yeah. A humble king. It was a humble king. Everybody in this story was well behaved. Was so well behaved. And honestly, I feel like it needed a little, so I feel like the story could just use a little rascal. Causing her problems.

The story needs a rascal. She needs to be tempted to misbehave a little bit on her way to the temple. Or she needs some trials to overcome on the way up the mountain so that it's a bit more of a struggle. That's all it's missing. I was expecting when she said only chieftains are allowed to go there that she was going to be challenged somehow. Yeah. Totally. That's what it's missing. Yep. That's the fix. It's missing just a little struggle, but really this is... It was. It's just a story of a competent woman doing what she's got to do.

Following the instructions, doing it right, saving everybody. Love that. If women were in charge, the story. A little boring, but you know what? It's a little boring, but stuff got done and everybody lived. Oh gosh. I fucking love it. There's just a couple notes in the back of the book, in the back of the story. I don't know. I don't know if I love the before it says before they died out, the Timotane people lived in the Andes mountains. I am not sure. Sometimes

like sometimes we white people like to say that an indigenous group died out died out. But did they? I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. I'm looking at the Wikipedia page about Timotean languages. It says Timotean languages were spoken in the Venezuelan Andes around what is now Merida. It is assumed that they are extinct. However, Timotea may survive in the so far unattested Mutu language as this occupies a mountain village within the old Timote state. So I think it didn't die. I don't think it, I think it just transformed

as so many languages do. And people move and people change. And also, you know, the violent colonization of South America by Spain also probably had a lot to do with that and where people moved and what happened to them. But like, you know, I just, I don't love saying an entire people died out because that's almost never true. And also they're alive and well in the stories that we have. Like exactly. and well in the stories that we have. Exactly. Exactly. So like the culture can't be dead as long as the stories survive and the descendants

of these people are still alive. Yeah. Like. So I want to know something I learned about something in the Andes recently. Ooh, okay. Tell me. Here's the fix I'm going to make for ites recently. Ooh, okay. Tell me. Here's the fix I'm gonna make for it

because I think it sounds cute. This, okay. So the nature center that I work at recently got to chinchillas. Oh yeah, I got to see them. Chinchillas, Oliver and Felix, they are so cute. So chinchillas are actually native to the Andes, which it's funny to think about chinchillas are actually native to the Andes, which it's funny

to think about chinchillas being like a native wild animal anywhere and not just a pet because they're so- Cute fluffy pet. Because they're such babies and they're so sensitive. So like they have like the densest fur of any land mammal and if they get wet, they like won't fully get dry and it could like lead to like, you lead to like bacteria. Yeah, so many skin problems. They'll probably know. They're native to a mountain range?

I know they're native to the Andes. They're super sensitive. That's actually why the nature center got them because they were living in a classroom where the school didn't want to leave the air conditioning on like all summer. So it was probably kind of moist in there, like it was getting humid and getting hot. Yeah, it gets like 110 degrees here. So the nature center took them in. Also, they just wanted something fluffy. Why not? You know what I mean? Of course. You got to have something fluffy to pull out for the kids. They are so cute. I got to feed one. Because everything else you have is spiders and snakes and frogs.

Everything else is like for the spooky kids, but for everybody else. Not so cool. And they get like one sliver of almond as a treat per day. And I got to feed one of them a little almond. And he took it out of my hand so gently, gentlemanly just like just grabbed it and just started moving it. They're so cute. Anyway, that's so fucking cute. I'm imagining a chinchilla trying to trick Mustafa. Yes, I love it. Trickster chinchilla.

Don't trust the chinchilla. Oh, chinchillas are actually also named after an indigenous peoples. Oh, okay. That, you know, like, hunted chinchillas. Hunted chinchillas. Because they're there. Hold on, I've got to remember what it is because I was looking at We can get fun facts for our posts. From the Chincha people of the Andes. That's so fun. I don't know.

Just because you said it was the Andes, I was like, how cute would that be? Like a little trickster chinchilla. That's it. That's the fix. That is absolutely the fix is that she gets tempted by a trickster chinchilla companion. That's adorable. I love it. That's it. Okay. The rest of the cultural context paragraph, by the way, because I just got so annoyed by the first part of the first sentence that

I had to go through. Yeah, they didn't die out. Yeah, I agree. They didn't die out. The language is no longer spoken, but the people are still alive. People still exist. The stories are still here. Stories still are still here. Maybe update that a little bit. Yeah. Anyway. Coming from wise women. that a little bit. Yeah. Anyway. Coming from wise women and… Well, but I mean, that's why like, you know, the book itself is a little, it's a little

outdated and it's got some very kind of like outdated old school anthropology. Sure, sure, sure. Yeah. In it a little bit. But I still like the book because it's still got good stories. Oh, yeah. Okay. So it also says, the Timotayan people lived in the Andes Mountains in Venezuela. Women were allowed to become chiefs and warriors, but only men could become priests. The main god, Chess, was male. It seems to be no coincidence that the woman who makes the journey to the mountain peak leaves the gold and returns with herbal medicine. For thousands of years, village wise women and midwives have upheld the important tradition of searching the earth for useful herbal medicines. That's

the end of the note. I just, but I do like that note. Yeah. It's very important. Very important work. Absolutely. Very important work and like just trusting. I don't know. I love learning, I love like learning little cultural notes because like I think that we get fed this like, we get fed this idea in Western culture specifically that like women have net that like, there is nowhere in the world where women have ever been well treated or well respected. And that's just not true. That is very true in Western cultures. Matriarchies exist. But matriarchies exist and more egalitarian societies like this one also existed.

And we have made every effort, and speaking we in sort of the larger context of sort of Western European civilization, have made every effort to stop that out because Western civilization doesn't value women. But just because Western civilization doesn't value women doesn't mean that nowhere in the world has ever valued women. Absolutely. Historically. We have a lot to learn from other cultures. That's very ethnocentric thinking. We have a lot to learn from other cultures. Yeah. It's very ethnocentric thinking.

We have so much to learn from other people if we care to do that. Then also, we have so much to learn from... I feel like it's also like people are so distrustful of medicine or women that peddle medicine when that's actually such like a respected, like Western culture would burn a woman as a witch if things were getting kind of uncomfortable and she seemed like she knew a little too much about how to help people who were sick. Again, everybody should read Green Teeth because... Mm-hmm.

Absolutely, I feel like Green Teeth... A wish gets thrown into a lake. I am definitely going to check out that. I'm totally going to check out that. For being too awesome, essentially. For being too awesome. But there are, but there are cultures where that was a respected, that was a respectable profession.

I love that. Me too. Me too. Great book, great story. Yeah, that was great. Thank you so much. I'm gonna buy a version of that. It is in our show notes.

I was actually looking at it on bookshop.org just now. It is on backorder. Dang. But I'm going to buy a copy for myself. I need this. It's a good, like I think, yeah, you should have a copy. It's a great book. It's so good. So. I'm going to try to remember to read from it more just because I love that it's, yeah. It's like 16 bucks. Everybody check it out. It's on backorder though. It's like $16. Everybody check it out. It's on backorder, though.

It's probably out of print. Yeah, it says, buy newer used from an indie through our partner, Biblio. Cool. And there's links. I love Bookshop.org is just like the coolest. Everybody should go buy your books from there, because they're the best.

They donate to actual bookstores, like local bookstores. Yeah. It's a good Amazon alternative. Hashtag not sponsored, but we're just, because we like it and we use it, that's what you should use too. If you want. If you want. I guess you don't have to. That is going to be a wrap from us today. Thank you so much for coming back and listening to Fairy Tale Fix. You can find us on Instagram at FairyTaleFixPod. You can get at us and send us all of your favorite stories or tell us how we made you feel

at Info at FairyTaleFix Pod. Please send us book recommendations. Yes, book recommendations. We would love that. You can leave us reviews multiple places. Check the podcatcher that you're listening to this in right now to see if you could leave us a rating or a review because it really does help us out. The word for this episode is chinchilla. Chinchillainchilla. Oh my God. Yeah. Do we say it at the same time? We say it at the same time. The word for this episode is chinchilla, comment chinchilla. Let's see. Yeah, you can email us at info at fairy talefixbob. All right.

Yeah, that's it. And so the wicked hussy wasn't so wicked and did like a normal trick on Hake and Grizzlebeard. Yeah. Something not all. And didn't mutilate a couple of his horses. She just put funny hats on them. There we go. She put a fake beard on the horse. Oh my God. Yes. One had a funny hat and one had a fake long ass beard. Hilarious. Yeah. And a fluffy, adorable, trickster chinchilla attempts to derail Mustafa from her journey up to the sacred temple.

But she is a wise woman and she is able to resist. And they all lived happily ever after the end.