Fairy Tale Fix - 11: Rumpelstiltskin I Blame The Least

Episode Date: February 16, 2021

Get ready because we are switching it up this week! Kelsey tells two classic tales; The Three Billy Goats Gruff and Rumpelstiltskin, while Abbie tells us about their Politically Correct counterparts that already have perfect fixes written by James Finn Gardner.

I mean, I do want a bigger goat. So absolutely. Always. How are you doing today? Oh boy, I'm doing great actually. I had a really nice day. Good. Stephen got up and walked the dog this morning. So I actually got to sleep in. Oh, nice. Which was really nice. And I played Assassin's Creed Valhalla for a good chunk of the day and took notes on my fairy tale. Very nice. I had a lovely time. I had a lovely day.

And now I get to hang out with you and talk about fairy tales. So I'm in a great mood. Sounds good to me. I'm glad you're in a good mood because I am not. I am really grouchy. I already talked to Abby about this before we started recording. But I'm just in a foul mood. Not for any like particular reason. Just it's just one of those days.

I think I'm just tired. My sleep schedule is all off completely wonky um so i think i slept in too long today do you ever like get those days where you wake up and you you know you sleep in your breakfast and then you want to take a nap right after you have breakfast yes you're like already tired again. Yeah, absolutely. I get the overslept sleepies a lot where now my body is just in sleep mode and that's all it wants to do for the rest of the day. It happens to me a lot if I get 10 hours of sleep. Yeah, that's what I did. And I didn't take a nap. I didn't let myself sleep. I cleaned a lot today.

So now you're cranky? I'm just really grumpy about it. But I'm very aware of it. That's okay. I'm trying to be nice. We're alternating cranky days because I was cranky two episodes ago. You know, sometimes you just have cranky days and that's okay. I'm a little nervous i'm really excited we picked out some really special fairy tales today we are actually we collaborated yeah i'm excited this

is going to be an interesting experiment because we're also changing formats just a little bit for this episode i'm going to read a couple of classic fairy tales, one from Espeoncin and Moe and one from the Brothers Grimm. I'm going to read their counterparts from a genius who already fixed them. It's very on brand for us for a fairy tale fix. Yeah. So some beautiful genius already fixed the two stories that we're about to read today. So I'm going to be reading those or summarizing them. But the book that I'm going to be reading from is Politically Correct Bedtime Stories, which is modern tales for our life end times.

And it's been a while since I've read one of those stories. But I love those books when I was younger. I know, me too. I loved reading these when I was younger. Like, it's definitely satire. It is absolutely poking fun at PC culture. But I also genuinely like how he fixed most of these stories. They're genuinely great. I was rereading the two that we were going to do today, and I was just like, man, that's such a good way to do this story. And I genuinely don't remember how those ones end either. I'm so excited. Because I was just thinking more about it. And I love that someone already went through and did this because a lot of the things that he points out in these fixes are exactly the

problems that you and I have with most of these fairy tales. I mean, let's be real. A lot of these fairy tales are highly problematic. And that's why we fix them. They are very terrible, but also very delightful, which is why they're so much fun to talk about and also think about how you would fix them for a modern audience, which is what we do. Well, sometimes I think about it as a modern audience. Other times I'm just like, what do I want to read? What's my personal fix? And then I make it 10 times worse, which is fun.

I think so. I think everybody really vibes with that. I know I vibe with that. I hope so. Do you just want to get started? Yeah, let's get into it. The first story is The Three Billy Goats Gruff from Aspiansen and Moe. And that is from the book East of the Sun and West of the Moon. And you can check it out in our show notes. The book is still for sale, so you can definitely purchase it. Just follow the link on our show beautiful i'm actually i'm very excited about this because i don't remember this story

at all there's more versions than the one i'm reading you oh should we mention that we're not doing predictions this time oh yeah i don't think we need to do predictions just because these are pretty well known and they're also pretty short yeah And I've already got the fixes for them right here. So I don't think we need fixes. This is a different type of episode. Let us know what you think. But we're not going to do fixes. Well, maybe.

A fix for the fix. Or our fixes. And then James Finn Garner's fixes. Exactly. The Three Billy Goats Gruff. Exactly. The three billy goats Gruff. Once upon a time, there were three billy goats who were to go up the hillside to make themselves fat. And the name of all three was Gruff, which I think is confusing. They're all named Gruff. It's a last name. It's a family name. It's a last name. Okay.

They're the family Gruff. Well, on the way up was a bridge over a burn that they had to cross. And under the bridge lived a great ugly troll with eyes as big as saucers and a nose as long as a poker. Which I love that imagery. First of all came the youngest billy goat Gruff to cross the bridge. Trip trap, trip trap, went the bridge. Who's that tripping over my bridge? Ro the troll yeah oh it is only i the tiniest billy goat gruff and i am going up the hillside to make myself fat said the billy goat with such a small voice oh my okay now i'm coming to gobble you up said the troll oh no pray don't take me i'm too little little. That I am, said the billy goat.

Wait a bit till the second billy goat gruff comes. He's much bigger. Oh yeah. Again, very sibling. Very sibling-esque. Don't eat me. Eat my big brother. I forgot that each goat sells out the sibling that's coming behind him.

And the troll's totally into it. And he says, well, be off with you. A little while after came the second billy goat gruffed across the bridge. Trip, trap, trip, trap, trip, trap, went the bridge. Who's that tripping over my bridge, roared the troll. Oh, it's the second billy goat gruff, and I'm going up the hill to make myself fat, said the billy goat, who hadn't such a small voice. Now I'm going to gobble you up, said the troll. Oh, no, don't take me.

Wait a little until the big billy goat gruff comes. He's much bigger. And the troll's like, all right. Sounds fair. Get off with you. I'm going to, you know, just they keep selling them out. So just then, up came the big billy goat gruff. And in all caps, trip, trap, trip, trap, trip, trap with the bridge.

Just to emphasize that this is the big one. Yeah. Yep. For the billy goat was so heavy that the bridge creaked and groaned under him. Who's that tramping over my bridge, roared the troll. And then again, in all caps, it is I, the big billy goat gruff, said the billy goat, who had an ugly, hoarse voice of his own. Now I'm coming to gobble you up, said the troll. So the big billy goat says well come along i've got two spears and i'll poke your eyeball out

your ears i've got besides two curling stones and i'll crush you to bits body and bones nice that's a cool little poem he was prepared i think the billy goat flew at the troll and poked his eyes out with his horns and crushed him to bits body and bones and tossed him out into the burn and after that he went up the hillside and there with the billy goats they got so fat they were scarce able to walk home again and if the fat hadn't fallen off them why they're still fat and so snip snout, this tale's told out. The end. Oh my god.

They said fat a lot at the end of this. You know, billy goats gotta eat. They do. That's true. They do indeed. Okay. It's funny. I actually didn't realize this one was an Asbjornsen and Moe story. I was looking for it in the Brothers Grimm book.

Really? So that was a little bit of a surprise to me. I also thought it was a Brothers Grimm story. I'm trying to think of how that one's going to be made politically correct. I will just tell you how they make that one politically correct. Weirdly, I think making it politically correct made it longer. So they form a club against the troll or just the troll? Just you wait. Okay. So first, a little background because I want to give James Finn Garner his due.

A little background on the book. It was published in 1994 by James Van Garner, who was a Chicago-based satirist. And the book is called Politically Correct Bedtime Stories. He also published a few other very funny books like Politically Correct Christmas Stories and Once Upon a More Enlightened Time. I also, when I was kind of digging, I was poking around on his website. in when I was kind of digging, like I was poking around on his website. And apparently in 2012, he wrote another book called Tea Party Fairy Tales, which is supposed to save children from the socialism that he promoted with his earlier books. Can you tell that it's politically correct from the 90s and not like today? That is one of the things that I also wanted to mention about this book is just a little disclaimer.

today. That is one of the things that I also wanted to mention about this book is just a little disclaimer. The whole purpose of this is to tell these stories in a way that they couldn't possibly be offensive. But there's actually some very outdated forms of PC-ness in here that actually are offensive by today's standards. That said, I highly recommend this book. It's one of the funniest things I ever remember reading as a child. I absolutely loved it because it did take a lot of the problems that I have with classic fairy tales and definitely fixes them. I also have a funny story about the one, the story that I'm about to read that I hope my mom is okay with me telling. I think I've told Kelsey this story before, but I think it's always worth telling again. She tried reading the story, the version in

this book is The Three Codependent Goats Gruff. And my mom tried reading this story to her church group, who were all a bunch of very lovely people in their way, but very serious, often sanctimonious, white, Quaker, hippie, PC culture to the max to the point where they started using it as like a weapon against each other. And she thought this story was really funny because it kind of is mostly poking fun at those kinds of people. And she was trying to kind of rib them a little bit. And they were very upset with her and did not forgive her for a long, long time. So be warned. Be warned. But also enjoy because I do. Here follows the story of the three codependent goats Gruff.

So the story starts off basically the same, except we actually get more detail on where the goats live and why they live there. There's still three goat siblings named Gruff, and they're all very close. And they live in a lush green valley in the winter. Very close. And they live in a lush green valley in the winter. And in the summer, they travel up to a different pasture in the mountains so as not to overgraze their valley and to keep their ecological footprint as small as possible. They're very responsible goats and they care about the environment. Well, you're not going to love them for very long. So, you know, like in the original, they have to cross a bridge over a chasm to get to their summer pastor.

And so the first goat, who the book says was the least chronologically accomplished of his siblings and thus had achieved the least superiority in size, goes to cross. I know. And so lo and behold, a troll leaps up onto the bridge. This was the interaction. Over the railing and onto the bridge leaped a troll, hairy, dirt accomplished,

and odor enhanced. Yarr! Odor enhanced. Intoned the troll, yes. and odor enhanced. Yarr! Odor enhanced. Intoned the troll, yes. Odor enhanced and dirt accomplished. Yarr, I am the keeper of the bridge, and while goats may have the right to cross it, I'll eat any that try.

But why why Mr. Troll bleeded the goat? Because I am a troll and proud of it. I have a troll's needs and those needs include eating goats. So you better respect them or else. Sounds fair enough. I guess. I don't know what the or else is supposed to mean because he is saying that he is going to eat you.

So what is the. It's like, let me eat you or else. Or else you don't. Or I don't know. Yeah, I'm just, I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean, but it's fine. The goat was frightened and he says, certainly if eating me would help you

become a more complete troll, nothing would please me more. But I really can't commit to that course of action without first consulting my siblings. Will you excuse me? And he runs back into the valley. So what I already like about this fix for the billy goat's gruff is that he doesn't sell out the sibling behind him. He goes and he runs back into the valley to confer with his siblings i do i do like this fix very much

i like it a lot so then the next goat and this one is more chronologically advanced than his sibling and enjoys an advantage in size although the book does note that this does not make him a better or more deserving goat. I love that. Me too. So true. It is true. The thing is, is like he's making fun of PC people, but I actually also really appreciate these notes about how just being a larger, older goat does not mean that you are a more deserving fellow i do too i appreciate it i like it it's so true it is so true so this new goat tries to cross the bridge and the troll repeats the process this time with the goat making the excuse i have a very close family and it would be selfish of me to allow myself to be eaten without asking their opinion.

I have respect for their feelings too. I would hate to think that my absence would cause them any emotional stress. That's very thoughtful. It is very thoughtful of this second goat. And the troll just screams, fine, go then. And the goat promises to come back as soon as they reach a conclusion because it's just it's not fair to keep the troll in suspense about it and the troll heaves a big sigh and goes like you're too kind fine fine so at this point the troll is getting really impatient it is after all his right to eat one of the goats, damn it, to be a more complete troll. You understand. Everyone deserves to achieve like the pinnacle of their selfhood.

And this one is the most chronologically gifted and therefore the biggest. He's pretty much twice the size of the troll. And the troll is now completely terrified of this final goat sibling and falls all over himself apologizing. There's no way he's going to poke his eyeballs out. That would be very rude. It would be very rude indeed. And, you know, the most chronologically advanced goat knows this okay yeah so the troll falls down on his knees and says oh please please forgive me i was using you and your goat siblings for my own selfish ends i don't know what drove me to it but

i've seen the error of my ways and the eldest goat also goes down on what passes for knees and goats and said, Now, now, you can't take all the blame for yourself. Our presence and supreme edibility put you in this situation. My siblings and I all feel terrible. Please, you must forgive us. It's amazing. It is amazing. So good. So good. The troll begins to sob. No, no, it's all my fault. I threatened and bullied you all just for the sake of my own survival. How selfish I was. The other goat replies. We were the selfish ones.

We only wanted to save our own skins and we totally neglected your needs. Please eat me now. They continue on in this fashion for some time. Each trying to be guiltier than the other until they actually come right back around to being pissed at each other and are now yelling at the other person to go ahead and either eat them or knock the other off the bridge. Look, said the goat, rearing to his full height. No one is going to take away my blame for this, not even you. So eat me before I pop you in the nose. And the troll says, don't play guiltier than thou with me, Hornhead.

Hornhead, you smelly hairball. I'll show you guilt. And with that, they wrestled and bit and punched and kicked as each sought to don the mantle of blame. Eventually, the other two goat siblings hear the commotion

and come to check it out. They see what's happening and not wanting to fail to accept their share of blame for this. They also join the fray. Well, unfortunately, the bridge is not constructed to carry all of their weights. So it snaps and they all fall into the abyss. To the abyss? the abyss into the chasm i don't know why i was imagining it like a like a little creek or something i think in the original story it is but but but this book says chasm oh and on their way down they each felt relieved that they would

finally get what they deserved plus as a bonus a little extra guilt for the fate of the others the end i'm trying to imagine somebody getting mad it's just obviously satire i love it it's wonderful yeah it's obviously satire but when you read stories like this to people who have no sense of humor yeah um especially no sense of humor yeah especially no sense of humor about themselves and the way that they kind of operate and move through the world definitely then then it becomes that it's not it's not a very funny story because this is directly roasting this is definitely like a story that's directly roasting people who take the performance of allyship too far.

Yes, totally. Performative allyship is exactly the right description for that. Where it's just like, no, I want all the blame. I want all of the attention. Everybody focus on me and my guilt about this situation and how I oppressed this or that person. And so they just kind of destroy each other with their own one downing or one upsmanship in terms of who is the most guilty. And, and, and the people that my mom went to church with did not find that story amusing because they are that they are exactly those kinds of people in terms of like how do you feel about them tweeted us at fairy tale fix pod i'm genuinely curious like i said i haven't read those stories in a long time and i'm definitely going to be looking at them with

a different point of view now as culturally we should be everything changes the more time goes on and the more we're changing your views on what politically correctness means. And yeah, it's actually a really interesting subject for me. I think that stuff is really cool. Yeah. As culture continues to evolve and we continue to talk about difficult subjects and continue finding different ways to talk about difficult subjects in a way that doesn't completely obscure the point or I guess not even the point, but like completely obscures the purpose of what we're trying to do with changing our language and changing our patterns of behavior around the stuff that we do as a culture that's really fucked up. Did you have any fixes for it?

Fixes for the fix? No, nope, not for this one. Yeah, I thought it was great. This was just perfect. It's one of my favorites from this book. It's just so perfect and it's so funny. I like the original Billy Goats gruff too, because it's very, I don't know, I like them tricking the troll. Yes, I like that the goats are clever in the original. And I don't know, i'm just a sucker for fairy tale violence i thought it was funny when he pokes the size of those horns i remember um i was reading that at breakfast just kind of poking through the book trying to

figure out um which fairy tale is gonna read you like a couple weeks ago and i read it to my husband over breakfast because it made me laugh so much it's just so awful it was like oh my gosh who tells their kids this kind of story yeah that was more violent than I remember yeah you know um the story is from an older Aspiansen and Moe book so maybe I'm sure there's uh more cleaned up versions yeah that must have been what i read as kids because what i read as a kid because i remember the ending of that story being the oldest goat like butts the troll off the bridge and he falls to his death in a very like disney vil a very bloodless disney villain sort of way and not, he poked his eyeballs out and crushed his bones and body to bits.

Man, I love that a lot more. That little rhyme was not included in the version I was read as a child. I've got a lot of fixes for my next one. Oh, I bet. Rumpelstiltskin is highly problematic. Highly. Oh, boy. Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Definitely got fixes for that. I am really excited to hear Rumpelstiltskin again because I haven't heard the original version in a long, long time.

Kind of like with the Billy Goat Scruff. Yeah. And this one I'm reading from the original Folk and Fairy Tales of the Brothers Grimm. Reading from the original Folk and Fairy Tales of the Brothers Grimm, I do have a later edition version, but I figured I would read the really old version because it's going to compare a little bit more nicely, I think, to the politically correct version. Probably. Which I'm excited to hear because reading this, it's been a while since I read it too, and it makes me very mad. It's so problematic. Okay, let's get into it.

Lay it on me. Rumpelstiltskin. Once upon a time, there was a miller who was poor, but he had a beautiful daughter. Now, one day, he happened to talk to the king and said, I have a daughter who knows the art of transforming straw into gold. He just happens to talk to the king and said i have a daughter who knows the art of transforming straw into gold he just happens to talk to the king yeah and he just happens to tell a huge lie about his daughter yep that is very likely going to end in her demise yeah like fuck this miller the king had the miller's daughter summoned to him right away and ordered her to spin all the straw in a room into gold in one night and if she couldn't do this she would die

thanks dad yeah what the fuck i'm imagining he was just like totally bragging and didn't think the king would ever you know call him out on it yeah like he wanted to impress the king or something i actually like this. The politically correct version has a has a reason why he started spreading that rumor. But we'll we'll get there. Also, this king sucks. Yeah. What an asshole. If you can't perform this impossible task based on what your dad told me.

Yeah. I'm going to kill you yeah so horrible fairy tale parents here they are and horrible fairy tale monarchs how pissed do you think her mother is at her father's line to the king her mother's dead her mother's dead for sure this would never have happened if her mother was still alive so she was locked in the room where she sat and wept for the life of her she didn't have the slightest inkling how to spin straw into gold which why would she and all of a sudden a little man entered the room and said what will you give me if i spend everything into gold well holy shit probably anything you want anything anything at all yeah so she took off her necklace and i would like to live please yeah yeah i'll give you anything so she took off her necklace and gave it to the little

man and he did what he promised and the next morning the king found the entire room filled with gold but of course this made his heart grow even greedier and he locked the miller's daughter in another room full of straw that was even larger than the first and she was to spin it all into gold then the little man came again and she gave him a ring from one of her fingers and everything was spun into gold so he seems pretty cool so far like at least useful that's fair a necklace yeah you know for your life he's helping out it's the king is still being a douchey greedy bastard but i'd be more like can you get me the heck out of this room and away from my father in this kingdom? You seem pretty magic. You seem pretty magical. Is there a, like, I feel like the king's just going to be keeping me on retainer if he thinks I'm spinning straw into gold. Yeah. Yeah. Oh God. Oh God. I hate the,

go on. Yeah. So however, on the third night, the king had her locked again in another room that was larger than the other two filled with straw. And he said, if you succeed, you shall become my wife, he said. And she says, no, thank you. Yeah. I mean, why? Why? Because he's a greedy old bastard. Why?

Because he's a greedy old bastard. So the little man came in again and said, I'll do everything for you one more time, but you must promise me your firstborn child that you have with the king. And here we get to where he's being unreasonable now. Yep. Basically, none of the men in this story are reasonable people. They're all trash.

The king is still the worst. So out of desperation, she promised him what he wanted. And when the king saw again how the straw had been spun into gold, he took the miller's beautiful daughter for his wife. Yay. Yay. And she, I guess, was probably pretty scared of this guy because he does keep threatening to kill her. So yeah. Yeah.

What a dick. So soon thereafter, the queen gave birth and the little man appeared before her and demanded the promised child. However, the queen offered the little man all that she could and all the treasures of the kingdom if he would let her keep her child. But it was all in vain because he was the worst. Does it say that in the text? It does, actually. He was the worst. In my version? Yeah.

Like he, period, was, period, the, period, worst, period, exclamation mark. Exclamation point. Question mark? No, there's no question. Yeah, that's just awful. And what do you want with this kid i just want to know what he's gonna do with the kid he wants to be a parent very very badly very scary he wants to raise a little sorcerer boy he's obviously a fairy yeah it does say he's a little man so i'm imagining like an elf i guess yeah or like just one of the the we folk as i've heard them referred to i've always kind of pictured him as like a gnome oh a gnome. Yes. Sprightly little gnome who would like to take your child.

Creepy. So he says, in three days, I'll come and fetch the child. But if you know my name by then, you shall keep your child. During the first and second nights, the queen tried to think of the little man's name, but she wasn't able to come up with a name because why would she? She became completely depressed. On the third day, however, the king returned home from hunting and told her, I was out hunting the day before yesterday,

and when I went into the deep, dark forest, I came upon a small cottage. And in the front of the house, there was a ridiculous little man hopping around as if he had only one leg and screeching. Today I'll brew, tomorrow I'll bake. Soon I'll have the queen's namesake. Oh, how hard it is to play my game, for Rumpelstiltskin is my name.

You idiot! You just gave it away! You just gave it away! That's interesting i i don't know in variations that i remember hearing before it's it goes the queen has the king send out messengers to all the corners of the land asking for the most unusual names that the people of the country have ever heard and the messengers report back and then she then rumplstiltskin appears every day of the three days that he allots her.

And she guesses all of these different strange names that she's been told by the messengers and he says no to each one of them. And then the person that brings her his actual name is one of the messengers who was returning to the palace through the woods and hears. So this is actually the king being useful

for the first time ever in any variation I've heard. I also like that the king just memorized his little poem. Yeah, just knew the whole little poem. He's like, you know what was weird, honey? Today, I was out in the forest. This strange little man was reciting a very strange little poem.

Did you promise him our child? Yeah, right. Also, how sick and twisted is this game where it's like, guess my name? It is a typical fairy. Very fae. Out of all of the men in this story, Rumpelstiltskin I blame the least. It's in his nature. It's in his nature.

When the queen heard this, she rejoiced. And when the dangerous little man came, he asked, what's my name, your highness? And she responded first by guessing. Is your name Conrad? No. Is your name Henry? No. Is your name Rump? No. Is your name Henry? No. Is your name Rumpelstiltskin?

And the little man screamed, the devil told you that. And he ran off full of anger and never returned the end. All right. Finger guns. Hold on one second. I want to look in this earlier version to see if it says anything different. I didn't remember it being that short. I remember it being like there's a little more fuss.

Okay. So in this version, it says all night long, the queen racked her brains for all the names she could think of and sent a messenger through the country to collect far and wide any new names. And sent a messenger through the country to collect far and wide any new names. The following morning, the dwarf came and she began with Casper, Melchor, Balthazar, and all the odd names she knew. Each name, the little man exclaimed, that is not my name. And the second day, the queen inquired all of her people for uncommon and curious names and called the dwarf Ribs of Beef, Sheepshank, Whalebone. But each he said said that is not my name who named their kid ribs of beef ribs of beef wow okay all right maybe it was a fairy tale celebrity ribs of beef i love it i like sheep shank. Sheep shank is good.

So, and the third day, the messenger came back and said, I have not found a single new name. But as I came to a high mountain near the edge of the forest where foxes and hares say goodnight to each other, I saw there a little house. And before the door, a fire was burning. And round this fire was a very curious little man who was dancing on one leg, shouting, Today I stew and then I'll bake. Tomorrow I shall the queen's child take. Ah, how famous it is. Nobody knows that my name is Rumpelstiltskin. That one didn't even rhyme all the way.

Not even trying. But yeah, you were correct. She had messengers sent out. That is the version that I remember hearing the most often. Which book, by the way, is that? So this is Grimm's Fairy Tales. It is one of the Barnes and Noble classics. Okay.

So I'll add that one to the show notes too. I do think I prefer this book, this version. I've had this one since high school. Yeah. It seems to have the longer, fuller versions. Yeah, it has a little more interesting story to it most of the time. The first edition copy that we got is like, it's fun to look at the difference about how the story evolved over time. But those were like the original shorter versions of the stories that the Grimm's brothers took down.

I like reading the different versions, though. It's very fun. Yeah. But yeah. And in this one, he says, a witch has told you, a witch has told you, instead of blaming the devil. Uh-huh. I wonder if that was like a Christian element that they wanted to like not talk about the

devil. I don't know. But like witches, they all serve the devil so it's kind of the same thing as we know so i haven't ever seen any rumple still skin like movies or anything but there is that uh tv show once upon a time has a rumple still skin care scare uh a rumple still skin character that name is very hard to say and his character is so much fun i haven't watched all of the once upon a times uh seasons i got kind of like i kind of drifted off when they entered frozen into it honestly they lost me about halfway through season two

yeah as soon as they started introducing actual Disney princess characters. I liked it better when it was more the original fairy tales and not Disney style stuff. But his character is really fun. Yeah. No, I really liked the Rumpel storyline was really cool. Yeah. I loved what they did with this character, actually. He was a hottie other bit of of sort of general repel stoltzkin pop culture that i wanted to mention before we jump into the politically correct version is i actually just

listened to an episode of another podcast which just want to plug this one real quick it's called lavar burton reads on the off chance that anyone who's listening doesn't know who LeVar Burton is, he's the guy that brought us Reading Rainbow when we were kids. Oh, cool. Yeah, and also played Geordi LaForge on Star Trek Next Gen. He is amazing and one of my favorites. He loves Star Trek. I love Star Trek. I love Star Trek so much.

Next Gen's your favorite, right? No, not even close. No. Okay. My favorite is Deep Space Nine. I will talk about Star Trek some other time, but Next Generation is still very good.

That's for our other podcast. Yeah, for a different podcast we will go into Star Trek Deep Dives. I'm currently midway through a complete Voyager rewatch, and man, that show's bad, except for when it's really, really good. When it's good, they just nail the little moral quandaries that they make episodes about and then the rest of the time it's just, it's very vampy nonsense. And I love all of it. Abby's a woman of many interests i have many interests most of them are

science fiction related anyway anyway if you don't already subscribe to lavar burton reads it is reading rainbow for adults and i highly recommend it basically he just reads you short stories that he likes and one of the ones that he read is, it's called Little Man by Michael Cunningham. And it basically is Rumpelstiltskin from the point of view of Rumpelstiltskin. It's really sweet and sad and very human. And just a really interesting little piece that sort of observes the Miller's daughter through Rumpelstiltskin's eyes and has some thoughts about why she decides to marry the king for one thing or. Well, I mean, she was terrified for her life, probably. That's one of the things.

And also she wanted to support her father who was impoverished. Oh, yeah. The one that lied about her. Yeah, but she still inexplicably loves for some reason. The story goes into all of that. And it's lovely. How dare you make me not hate Rumpelstiltskin and the Millers? He's still the bad guy in the story about him. One thing that I like, LeVar Burton always does a little bit of analysis at the end of

every story that he reads. And he does a little bit of talking about how stories that humanize and contextualize the villain. And anyway, it's really interesting. Which I know it's exactly like both of our jam is we love stuff that humanizes and contextualizes the bad guy. All right, definitely going to check it out. So this is the politically correct bedtime story version of Rumpelstiltskin. Right off the bat, he gives the Miller's daughter a name. Yay! So already the primary fix.

He names her Esmeralda. Beautiful name. Thank you. I don't know why I said thank you as if I came up with it. It's a reflex. You're welcome, Abby. Other than giving her a name, it's a very similar start. There's an economically disadvantaged Miller who is ashamed of his poverty instead of angry at the economic system that marginalized him in the first place.

his poverty instead of angry at the economic system that marginalized him in the first place and he very archaically and sexistly thinks that he could just marry off his daughter to a rich guy and all of his problems will be solved so he decides to spread the rumor that esmeralda can spin straw into gold what do you know a prince as greedy and gullible as most men of his station, here's the rumor, falls for it and has Esmeralda thrown in a dungeon with the straw and the spinning wheel and she sensibly bursts into tears because never has the exploitiveness of the patriarchy been made so apparent to her. This is perfect yeah it's pretty similar to the first to the first story so far because damn the patriarchy is really fucking over this girl as it's over us all so rumple stiltzkin finds her there and the same thing more or less happens than the original, except for how he turns the straw into gold. To turn the straw into gold, they took it to a nearby farmer's cooperative where it was used to thatch an old roof. With a drier home, the farmers became healthier and more productive,

and they brought forth a record harvest of wheat for local consumption. The children of the kingdom grew strong and tall, went to a cooperative school, and gradually turned the kingdom into a model democracy with no economic or sexual injustice and low infant mortality rates. For his part, the prince was captured by an angry mob and stabbed to death with pitchforks outside the palace. Oh, man. Oh, wow. I wasn't expecting that. I know. It's very exciting. I love it, though. Me too. I love this so much. As new investment money poured in from all over the world, the farmers remembered Esmeralda's generous gift of straw and rewarded her with

numerous chests of gold. It seems like that would take a lot longer than one night, though. Yeah, but the time limit no longer matters because the prince got stabbed to death by pitchforks. That's true, huh? Okay. Yeah, which I feel is a really fitting end for anybody that throws someone in a dungeon and says that they will be killed. This is a perfect fix. Yeah, this is so far absolutely perfect. And honestly, it only gets better.

So since the mechanic of, you know, the prince is already dead, there are no subsequent dungeons for Esmeralda to have to turn into gold. So we just jump straight to Rumpelstiltskin still demanding her firstborn child. He decides to do that anyway. Okay. Still fae. She didn't have a ring or a necklace. Yeah. No, he's still a fairy creature.

To which she replies with what I think is the only possible comeback. I don't have to negotiate with anyone who would interfere with my reproductive rights. Oh, I love her. Me too. Esmeralda is amazing. She's incredible. She's my favorite. Powerful, strong woman right there.

The story has really been fixed in every possible way. He's a bit taken aback and he switches tactics and says that he'll let her off the hook if she can guess his name. All right, says Esmeralda. She paused a second, tapped her chin with her finger, and said, would your name be, oh, I don't know, maybe Rumpelstiltskin? Ah, shrieked the man of nonstandard height.

But, but how did you know? She replied, you're still wearing your name tag from the Little People's Empowerment Seminar. I know. Amazing. Gotcha. Gotcha. He's still wearing his name tag.

You forgot to take off your name tag. off your name tag. Rumpelstiltskin screamed in anger and stamped his foot, at which point the earth cracked open and swallowed him up in a rush of smoke and sulfur. With her gold, Esmeralda moved to California to open a birth control clinic where she showed other women how to not be enslaved by their reproductive systems and lived to the end of her days as a fulfilled, dedicated single person. The end. Oh, perfect. Amazing. I love it.

Perfect fix. Perfect. Perfection. It's absolutely... I love that she goes to California. Yeah. Opens a birth control clinic. Amazing. It's absolutely perfect. This is exactly the fix that I want. Yep. Me too. I definitely need to get that book and read more politically correct bedtime stories because that was really fun. Thank you. You're welcome. I've really been enjoying rereading this.

As you said earlier in this episode, I read these the most when I was a preteen, I think was the last time that I read through them all. Maybe again, like a couple of times as an older teenager or in my 20s. But the meaning of them and my interpretation of them has changed a lot since I was a kid. I've changed a lot. was a kid. I've changed a lot. And so these stories have a new angle on them. And I, and I actually really appreciate how they have been corrected more. Just like the Prince getting stabbed to death with pitchforks makes me laugh so much harder now at 30 than it did at, at,

at 12 or 15 or whenever it is the last time I read it, because I was like, oh, well, that seems like overkill when I was a kid. But now, like as an adult and realizing just how messed up that story is in nearly every way, I actually am just like, yes, that is an absolutely just end. Excellent. Well done. Good fix. Well, I also love it too, because I was really, really young when those books came out, you know, in the, what was it, 94? Yeah, 94. Yeah. So I was like five when that book came out. So I was really young when I read them. Probably wasn't five. I was probably like 10. But I also didn't understand a lot of it. Yeah, I probably wouldn't have

understood the significance of opening a birth control clinic. And I didn't have any opinions on reproductive rights when I was 10. No, probably that I remember. Not at all. And then also even the bit about the Miller. I remember finding this book so funny, but I didn't get most of the jokes. Yeah, definitely. Like the Miller. I remember finding this book so funny, but I didn't get most of the jokes. Yeah, definitely. Like the Miller, instead of being angry at the system that oppressed him in the first place, he was ashamed of being poor. That actually really resonates with me now as an adult, as something that's real in a way that I thought was just a joke as a kid. And I just, man, I really appreciate this

book more, despite the fact that I also realize now as 20-ish years later, that there's actually some stuff in this book not politically correct anymore. Do you want to name the book and the author again real fast? Oh, yeah. It's Politically Correct Bedtime Stories, Modern Tales for Our Life and Times by James Finn Gardner. Sorry, I almost forgot. The back of the book also cracks me up because it's got fake review blurbs from famous fairy tale authors. Oh, I love that. So it's got, you know, Aesop of Aesop's Fables says, These stories are fables for our times.

The Brothers Grimm say, we were fighting between ourselves to see who would read it first. And finally, Hans Christian Andersen says, it's hard to believe that James Finn Garner could improve upon perfection, but he has. Wow. Amazing reviews. Amazing, right? amazing fake reviews glowing reviews from other famous fairy tale writers oh my gosh i love it so much i think that's gonna do it for us today thank you so much for listening to fairy tale fix if you enjoyed the show please subscribe leave us a review on apple or stitcher if you love the show and want to support us,

you can get extra episodes, merch, books, and other bonus content at our Patreon by signing up at fairytalefix.cash. And again, you can find us on Twitter and Instagram at fairytalefixpod. We post lots of cool stuff, so definitely check us out. And email us your favorite fairy tales, folklore, nursery rhymes, and other such things at info at fairytalefixpod.com if you want to hear your stories read by us on our podcast for our Listener Tale episode.

Yeah. And these stories didn't actually end up needing fixing because James Finn Garner fixed them for us. And we all lived happily ever after.