Fairy Tale Fix - 119: It’s A Metaphor!

Episode Date: February 24, 2026

This week on Fairy Tale Fix, the horrors persist but so do we! Because we have to. Kelsey follows up on her promise to deliver some Chinese dragons in The Four Dragons, and then reads a short, truly WTF Chinese fairy tale The Magic Cask. Abbie reads a beautiful Russian tale we've both heard of but knew nothing about–The Princess and the Firebird.

Hey. Are you? How are things? Tell everybody what's been up with Abby. Abby has been doing things. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Making moves, but not literally yet.

And it's so hard to think about, like, what's what I feel like talking about, like, on a public forum. Uh-huh. Like, it's not like my coworkers really live. listen. Yeah, exactly. But at the same time, they could. But they could. And I know that occasionally at least one of them does, but it's my, it's my work bestie who I already told everything. Uh-huh. So, hey, Jess, if you're listening. Hey. Yeah, honestly, I don't know how much I want to talk about anything that I'm currently up to. I was not, I was not, I was not prepared. I don't know.

No worries. You know what? Things have been really hard. I think for both of us, it is a time. Yeah. I'm in a dark place right now. But at least, at least, hmm. What are some good things that are happening?

We have each other. We have this podcast. We have all of our lovely listeners. There are fun video games and good books and... We have a new patron to thank. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Thank you, Amy.

Yes, thank you, Amy for joining our Patreon. We hope you love the bonus episodes. And, yeah, we're so stoked to have you. Thank you so much, Amy. It really does mean a lot to us. We're both going through it right now. We are. Even just a small token.

of like someone out there appreciates what we do. Yes. It means so much to us. It does. It feels so good. Especially in these very trying times. The world's crazy. Yeah.

Gosh. I feel like I did have stuff that I wanted to talk about, but now I can't remember. That always happens. We just, we got like, we got embroiled into like a cover, like a real talk. conversation about our lives before we started recording and it just drove everything except like work and family health issues and like everything else straight out of my brain. But it is like it's February. Maybe there's something there.

Yeah. I did. So I'm selling my feelings lately. I actually was inspired and I wrote a poem. That's how you know I'm depressed. I'm depressed teenage, Kelsey now because I'm writing goetry. I wrote a haiku. Because I went on a walk and found the cherry blossoms.

It's a hykoo. Okay. And it goes. Cherry blossoms bloom, but I'm still sleeping in this eternal winter. Oh, my God. It's a beautiful. It's a beautiful haiku. I'm not laughing because it's a bad haiku.

No, it's lovely. But it's so sad. Yeah, so that's how I'm doing right now. I was like, this is so deep. I even put it on my Instagram stories and everything. I fucking love it. That's great. Wow.

It's kind of like Myspace, Kelsey, came back. Yeah. I was like, you know what? Or remember when we all made ourselves like live journals? You know what? I never got on that. And I'm sad I didn't. I never did like the MySpace where you like,

change the theme and like the background and we did coding and stuff like that. And of course, mine was always ECHAML. Yeah, exactly. Mine was Evanescence and I did their song Understanding. So like one of the pre-fallen songs that you can only find like on YouTube now. Nice. Deep cut.

I thought it was so cool and moody as fuck. You were cool and moody as fuck. Thank you. That's a beautiful haiku. Read it again. Cherry blossoms bloom, but I'm still sleeping in this eternal winter. I like us I was writing and I'm like, eternal winter with my fingers like counting. Yeah, counting out. All the syllables.

Because my winter feels eternal. It's a metaphor. It's a metaphor. Everything's blooms. and looks nice and smells pretty, but I'm still sad. The winter is inside me. Do you get it? I do. Anyway.

I do. I vibe. That's a real vibe. That makes sense to me. Kind of same. Except cherry blossoms are not blooming here. Like the outside weather corner. the outside absolutely matches my mood.

No, it's not still snowing. Okay. This is family, this is early February in Baltimore. And it snowed like it never snows here. And Baltimore is not, we're not snow people. We don't have the snow equipment to really get rid of the snow. So, and then it has not been warm. It has not gone above freezing.

in like two weeks. And so all of that snow and ice, and I speak of literal ice, is still solidly everywhere. Blocks and blocks and blocks of it. Blocking the roads. Okay. You know why?

You're making me feel better. Things to be grateful for. Because it's the February fake out. So it's been. like 70 degrees. It's been like I couldn't wear a sweater on my walk. It was so warm. So at least there's that. It's going away. It's supposed to like start raining and go back into the 50s this week, which is fine. I know it's the February fake out. I'm expecting this. But it's, it's nice to have that little break in sunshine and just be like, oh, the sun is going to come back someday.

Someday. Someday shall return. But and it is nice that if it's winter inside, at least it's not winter outside. And vitamin D and sunshine is good for you. But you know, I don't know. Things are tough. I hope everybody else is doing much better. And if, if, you're also going through a hard time, you're not alone. I feel like it feels very transitional. I know a lot of people going through a lot of like changes right now. It feels like there's something in the universe that's just like, but it's also, I feel like it's also felt that way for like too long. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's felt that way for like multiple years in a row. where everything's just like kind of in a state of yeah metamorphosis lots of change everybody's kind of going through it yeah personally professionally spiritually ecumenically

grammatically I'm having an existential crisis every day yeah but it's okay It's going to be okay. It's got to be. Because it has to be. It has to be. We have no choice.

Who goes first today? You, I think. I think it was me last time. I'm a second story. I'm almost done listening to it to get you at it. There are so many fun title ideas for that. Well, I think now we have to save it's a meta. for this one.

It's a metaphor. It's a metaphor. I'm so I think last episode it has to be drugs. Drugs. I'm going to send them. Actually, I'm going to tell them to you right now and then everyone will have to wait to find out what we end up deciding. I'm only halfway through, but I feel like I came up with a lot.

Okay. I love new book alert because that was, you got a new book and that was fun. I did. That was fun. I also liked horse murder was right there. I also really like the way you yelled Ruth. So I did Ruth with like an exclamation. I also really, I think this is going to be your favorite.

High quality nasty horse stories. A promise is a promise. Not my daughter. And I love drugs. I'm not done with it yet. but there's so many, we said so much funny shit that last time is good. He says so much funny shit. High quality nasty horse stories.

I think that has to be it. I think that has to be it. Because it made me laugh so hard. And it's good without context too. Sometimes I will pick a, or I will like suggest an episode title based on just like how funny it is in the moment when I'm listening to it. but like when there's not context, it's not as funny. You know what I mean?

Yeah. But I'll be listening to it. It's just, it just hits. It's fun. It hits in context and out of it, that particular, that particular one. I call it nasty horse stories. I forgot. Anywho.

Are we, do you want to get started? Let's, yeah, I say let's just, let's just, let's just, get into it because I like it's just one of those days or it's like I just can't think of anything to talk about that isn't a fucking bummer and that's why we have this podcast in the first place so that we don't so that we can take a break from bumming ourselves out yes I don't know if anyone else is following along Tish's Tish Black's fairy tale a day but it's February she's doing a fairy tale every day encouraging other people to read fairy tale a day and it's very fun so i think that is our happy place right now that's

definitely mine same just these these stories like just i just these stories that are just like full of magic and people overcoming like truly insurmountable problems or not which is also sometimes hilarious um i have two really different stories to tell you today fantastic i am we'll see how much time we ended up having after you've told me yours, but I'm kind of debating between reading one of the stories that we didn't do in, from Heroes and Heroines or a couple of Old Lady's stories. Okay. Oh, both of those sound great. I'm also still, I was still thinking about laughing apples and I really want to know what that story's about. I think he said it was like,

pages. It's so long. Maybe I'll just plan to do that. I'll do old, ladies stories today and I'll just plan to do the laughing apples next time. So the first story I'm going to read today. Surprise, surprise, surprise. I told you this was coming. The four dragons. I told you I needed more Chinese dragons in my life. And so this is one of the stories I'm going to with you today. I am so excited and happy. Okay. Okay. Is the country China or is it a different variety of Asian dragon? Okay. How many predictions do I get? Yeah, just give me three. Love it. Okay. It is short, but it's fine. The dragons, each dragon represents a different direction. direction okay treasure i love it treasure what's your third mischief oh excellent excellent okay

The Four Dragons. Oh, and I found this from fairy tales with a Z.com. Incredible. Love them. Oh, I'm just going to kick back with my glass of wine because I can do drugs again. And you tell me. Drugs. A story.

We love drugs. Drugs. Mm-hmm. Take a little bit. Did I tell everybody what I was drinking? You did it. Oh, tell the people. I'm drinking.

the people. A half red wine, half diet Pepsi, or I think Coke is usually better. But it's really good. It's a cocktail. I can't remember what it's called, but it basically tastes like sangria. Like, it kind of rules. Like, that sounds disgusting. When I first heard of that, I was like, that's really nasty.

But it's actually really fucking good. It sounds delicious when you describe it as it tastes like sangria. But yeah, like it just, why, like, when he first told me, I was like, why would you ever put soda? Yeah. It sounds gross. It does sound gross. But I'm glad it's working for you. Oh, by the way, this is fairy tale fix.

What? Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. We get around to it eventually. Yeah, sometimes. Sometimes. You clicked on it. You know what it is. You know what it is.

I'm Kelsey. And this is the podcast where we read each other classic fairy tales and fix them for a modern audience in the loosest possible format. Yes. And it's fun. Join us. Everyone loves it. Okay. The Four Dragons.

Once upon a time, there were no rivers and lakes on earth. but only the Eastern Sea, which was guarded and inhabited by four dragons, the long dragon, the yellow dragon, the black dragon, and the pearl dragon. Ooh. One day, the four dragons flew from the sea into the sky. They soared and dived racing through the clouds. Come over here quickly, the pearl dragon cried out suddenly. What, asked the other three, looking down in the direction where the pearl dragon had pointed.

On the earth, they saw many people putting out fruits and cakes and burning incense sticks. They were praying. A white-haired woman, kneeling on the ground with a thin boy on her back, murmured, please send rain quickly, God of heaven, to give our children rice to eat. The rain had not fallen in a long time. The crops withered, the grass turned yellow, and fields cracked under the scorching sun. How poor these people are. They are starving, said the yellow dragon.

and they will die if it doesn't rain soon. The long dragon nodded. Then he suggested, let's go and beg the Jade Emperor for rain. I love it. Yeah. Helpful, helpful dragons. Dragons love people.

We don't deserve that. We don't. I love the concept, too, of like a long dragon, and that's the description for that one. How, I mean, because, like, Chinese dragons are already kind of long, you know, comparatively. this one's really long this one's like super long like how long are we talking are we talking twice the length are we talking three times the length it's like never ending you actually never see the end

it's like a world sized i imagine if it were a cartoon the end of the long dragon would never come on screen it would just be like love that this would be such a cool cartoon absolutely so saying he leapt into the clouds. The others followed closely and flew toward the heavenly palace. Being in charge of all the affairs in heaven on earth and in the sea, the jade ember was very powerful, but he was not pleased to see the dragons rushing in. Why not? Why do you come here instead of staying in the sea? The long dragon, because jade emper is a dick. I'm just going to tell you right now. Look this guy. He really pisses me off. Spoiler alert, the jade emper sucks. Yeah, he fucking sucks. It's always the people, the people in power that fucking suck.

Yeah, he was like, you should have stayed in the sea, mind your own business. Why were you even flying around? Stand your lane, dragons. Stand your lane, dragons. This fucker. Okay, anyway. The long dragon, step forward and said, The crops on earth are withering and dying, your majesty.

I beg you to send rain down quickly. All right. You go back first, I'll send rain down tomorrow. The Jade Emperor pretended to agree while listening to the songs of the fairies, which is such a funny, like, random note. He is not paying attention at all. At all. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Just get out of my face, peasant. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll send it down tomorrow. The four dragons responded, thanks, your majesty. The four dragons went happily back to the sea, but ten days passed and the rain didn't come. The people were increasingly desperate and they

suffered more. Some were eating bark, some grassroots, some forced to eat white clay when they ran out of the bark and grassroots. Damn. I know. That is bleak. Very bad. Seeing all this, the four dragons were sad, for they knew the jade emperor only cared about pleasure and never took the people to heart. They knew they had to help. But how to do it? Seeing the vassi, the long dragon said that he had an idea. What is it out with it quickly? The other three demanded. Look, is there not plenty of water in the sea where we live? We should scoop it up and spray it toward the sky.

The water will be like rain drops and come down to save the people in their crops, said Long Dragon. That's sweet, but good ideas. There's one major problem. I don't actually think that comes to play, but because of salt water, right? Yeah, that was what I was thinking. Mm-mm. Okay. Magic.

Magic. It's mad. This is like at the beginning of the world. Yeah. Good idea, said the other dragons agreeing to help. But, said the long dragon after thinking about it a bit, we will be blamed if the Jane Emperor learns of this. We will be blamed if the Jade Emperor learns of this.

I will do anything to save the people, the yellow dragon said, resolutely. Then let's begin. We will never regret it, said Long Dragon. The Black Dragon and the Pearl Dragon were not to be outdone. They flew to the sea, scooped up water in their mouths, and then flew back into the sky where they sprayed water out over the earth. The four dragons flew back and forth, making the sky dark all around. Before long, the sea water became rain pouring down from the sky. It's raining, it's raining. The crops will be saved.

the people cried and leapt with joy. Yay. Yay. Oh, my gosh. On the ground, the wheat stalks raised their head and the sorghum. I should have looked this up. Sorghum? Sorghum.

It's a millet. Oh, okay. Delicious. Yeah. So fucking the best food ever starts growing again. And the god of the sea discovered these events and reported it to the Jade Emperor. because he's a nark and nark It's just get stitches, motherfucker.

How dare the four dragons bring rain without my permission, said the Jade Emperor. The Jade Emperor was enraged and ordered the heavenly generals and their troops to arrest the four dragons. And being far outnumbered, the four dragons could not defend themselves, and they were soon arrested and brought back to the heavenly palace. Go and get four mountains to lay upon them so that they can never escape the Jade Emperor ordered the mountain god. Mountain god used his magic power to make four mountains fly there, whistling in the wind from afar, and press them down upon the four dragons. That must have been quite a sight. For real. Imprisoned as they were, they never regretted their actions.

But as they were determined to do good for the people forever, they turn themselves into. to four rivers, which flowed past the high mountains and deep valleys, crossing the land from the west to the east, from the west to the east, and finally emptying into the sea. And so, China's four great rivers were formed from the dragon's kindness. He-long-jing, the black dragon in the far north, Huang Hei, the Yellow River in central Trina, the Yangtze in the Long River farther south and the Zhugeang Pearl River in the very far south Wow

So sorry for totally butchering the pronunciation of those rivers Oh the end I love that story I love that story so much Oh I love that like they wanted to help even though they're like because the Jade Emperor is a jackass. Like they didn't give a fuck. They needed to be punished.

They helped anyway. And I love that they were like, we'll do it and we'll never regret it. Never regret it. And then they wanted to help so much that they became the rivers, the four great rivers of China. Isn't that so cool? That's really lovely. That's so cool. Yeah.

Anyway, I love that story so much. It made me very happy and I love it I mean and we love an origin story for a geographical feature Absolutely For like how did we get these four huge rivers And there's a lot of like

Cool graphics of them And like where the rivers are too I will post to our Instagram too So yeah check it out It's very cool I love helpful dragons Helpful Chinese dragons Are the fucking best

me too. Oh, I'm looking at some of the graphics for the dragons in their rivers. Jade emperors, dick. What an asshole for real. I wonder if they're, but there are more stories about them. There's a lot of like Chinese god lore. So I'm sure there's a ton more stories. Maybe he has some redeeming qualities at some point. Well, he was the central character in the, in the, um, Zodiac story. Oh, yeah. But that was also like, he challenged everybody to a contest and there were no rules.

You could drown your competitors if you wanted to. And he's too busy listening to fairy music to care about people starving to death. That sounds very like classic, like rich guy. I'm eccentric. I can do anything. want. I am eccentric. What is that from? Rat race. Rat race. Oh, my gosh. Do you ever watch? Yes, I did. I did. I remember, I remember that I remember now. Just like, I'm eccentric. Yeah. I can do anything I want. Okay.

Man, rich people have been a problem forever. Forever. For fucking ever. Okay. Okay. I have another story, but it's in my book that's in the living room, so I need to go get it. Okay, go get it. I'm very excited. I love that story. This one. Oh, here, you can think of your, I'm going to give you two predictions because this next one's really short.

Okay. But it's called the magic casket. And casket as in, or wait, cask? Like a barrel that wine is usually in or something. Okay. thank you because I was going down to burial. Yeah. Yeah, not like that.

Maybe casket's the wrong word. I'm eccentric. I don't know why I said casket. It's just cask. The magic cask. Okay. That makes sense. All right.

The magic cask. Never ending contents. Never ending contents. And. Mischief. Hell yeah Oh which By the way

I didn't do my predictions From the previous story Yeah so each dragon represents a different direction I don't know It represented a different river That's similar Yeah I don't think I get that one

Okay I don't think there was any treasure Oh there was mischief though There was definitely mischief So I think I get it They didn't follow the rules They said fuck the authority Fuck the police.

Fuck the police. And then they made it rain. Yeah. I love that for them. Me too. So maybe I actually can't do mischief because I did get that one. So I mean, I'm not going to roll that over. I'm going to do something else.

Okay. Okay. It's a love story. A love story. Okay. I found this one to be quite unhinged and it made me laugh a lot. Delightful. I'm so excited.

tell you. It was one of those ones that made me go, what the fuck? And it's one page. The Magic Cask. Oh, and this is from Chinese fairy tales and legends, the Richard Willem and Frederick Martin's book. Oh, yeah, with a beautiful cover. Yeah, I love this book so much.

And it has a little thing at the beginning that kind of tells you about it. So it says, in China, casks or barrels. for holding liquids were made of stone, not wood, so they didn't have lids. Oh. The cask in his tail, however, also has amazing magical powers. Incredible. Okay. Okay.

Once upon a time, there was a man who dug up a big earthenware cask in his field. So he took it home with him and told his wife to clean it out. But when his wife started brushing inside of the cask, the casks. So hard to say. The cask suddenly began to fill itself with brushes. No matter how many brushes she took out, others kept taking their place. So the man sold the brushes and finally managed to live quite comfortably. So ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, me.

Never ending contests. I'm excited. Yeah. It's so happened that a coin fell into the cask by mistake. At once, the brushes disappeared and the cask began to fill itself of money. So now the family became very rich. for they could take as much money out of the cask as they ever. Oh my God.

As ever they wished. You can change what it makes. Yeah. That's so cool. So cool. Now, the man had an old grandfather at home who was weak and shaky. Since there was nothing else he could do, his grandson sent him to work shoveling money out of the cask. And when the old grandfather grew weary and could not keep on, the young man would fall into a

rage and shouted him angrily, telling him he was lazy and did not want to work. Yikes, elder abuse. That's your grandfather. Just calm down. You have endless money. Like, chill out. Where are you going in a hurry? Money makes people evil.

I swear. It does make people evil. One day, however, the old man's strength gave out and he fell into the cask and died. At once, the money disappeared and the cask began to fill itself with dead grandfathers. What? Then the man had to pull them all out and have them buried. And for this purpose, he had to use up again all of the money he had received. And when he was through, the cask broke.

He was just as poor as before the end. What? That's so fucked. Filled with dead grandfathers. It just keeps cloning his dead body. Like, it's so fucked. That is bazonkers. That's really fun.

That's very fun and crazy. What the fuck? I love that he was mean to his grandfather and then he ended up losing all of his money because of it. Me too. Yeah. Stop being such a asshole. Stop being an asshole. Asshole.

Money makes people evil is my suggestion for the title of this episode. alongside it's a metaphor, just noting this, noting this for editing Abby. We need to start having people vote again. Mm-hmm. We do. If we can ever get them done in time. But, oh, my God. I love that it felt.

Like, when he fell and when I first read that, I was like, is that going to, what's going to more dead grandfathers? Holy fuck. Like, that's horrifying to imagine. Yeah, yeah, it is. that I like that he had to spend all of his money bearing. I'm so messed up. Oh, goodness. Anyway, no fixes for either of those stories for me.

Both of them are kind of perfect. Totally perfect. Love it. Yeah. Maybe like maybe one note about how the man learned a lesson at the end about. It's pretty perfect though. Yeah. I mean, honestly, I don't care if you learned to lesson or not.

Because now you're a poor again, fucker. Yeah. Fucker. That's what you get. Sorry, my headphones are like falling off. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed those two stories. I really did. I'm going to be thinking about that last one for forever,

just envisioning what a cask full of dead, like dead grandfathers that just keeps spawning and you have to re-barry your grandfather's corpse over and over and over and over and over. That's so fucked up. It's so fucked. You should have walked at his pace. I don't know what to tell you. Like, what would you put in that cask?

I mean, money's a good one because it's like, I'm sorry. Yeah, money's a good one. We were just talking about how we don't work. I could get whatever the fuck else I want if I have a never-ending source of money. Mm-hmm. I could buy everyone I know a house. That would be nice. It would be so cool.

You know. You just start playing the lotto. Yeah. Buy lotto tickets and get really lucky. Yeah. Or not. I don't know. Or not.

I've heard that sometimes like I don't know that. Yeah. Money can also fuck your life. But you need it. But we need it. So maybe the answer like shouldn't be money. It's just it's tempting to have it be money because. Marshallows.

Gosh, money solves a lot of problems. I'm so hungry. right now. Marshmallow sounds really good. You know what I really like? Some kind of food. I like these. I wouldn't want an endless supply of them,

but I'm really into this Trader Joe's vanilla meringue cookie. It's like a crunchy marshmallow. That does sound really good. And I really like them. And they're only like 25 calories each and they're kind of big. So I feel like not as guilty eating them. So is that like your fun thing answer for your endless casket of?

No, we wouldn't want an endless amount of marangs. What I? Coffee. Coffee beans. Absolutely. Coffee beans? Yeah, they're expensive. See if you don't have to buy anymore, that'd be nice.

That'd be really nice. Ooh, medicine. Some sort of medicine that's really fucking expensive that people like need that I could give away. Yeah. an endless supply of like diabetes medication. Yeah. Insulin.

That was it. Yeah. To fuck over people with charging so much money for that stuff. Something like that. Oh, can you invent new things? But no, you have to have some, it has to have been something you already have that you can put in it. So you don't switch things out as wanted. Oh my God.

I would totally clone Chaval. But then you'd have like before you could stop it, you'd have like 10 Chival's. I want 10 Chivalves. She's my favorite. Ooh, books. Books. A choice of magic. Mm-hmm. Yeah, endless books to give our friends.

That would be hell of cool. I mean, also just wine. It is a cask. It's a cask. Yeah, absolutely. Endless wine. Endless, oh, okay, there are certain soups that I would want an endless supply of. What kind of soup?

Are you thinking? I'm really obsessed with this, like, chorizo potato soup thing right now. So it could be that soup. And then sometimes I could switch it out for like wonton soup. And then sometimes I could switch it out for chili. I'm hungry to.

All right. Why don't you tell me a story? So we can go eat some food. Yeah, absolutely. Pizza waiting for you. I think I changed my mind about what I want to. to tell you because we've got plenty of time today. So this is a story that, like, I have vaguely heard of but never actually read, but I've

seen it referenced a lot of places. And I've been, like, weirdly waiting to tell it. But why am, what am I fucking waiting for? What are you waiting for? Nothing. Nothing? I don't know. The perfect time.

Now is the time. Now is the time. So this is still from the book of heroes and heroines by Ruth Manning Sanders. And this is the Russian fairy tale of the princess and the firebird. Oh, okay. Yeah. Sounds familiar. Right?

Like, I feel like we see it referenced in a lot of fairy tale, like, novels that are based on folklore or, like, video games that are based on folklore. But I've never actually read the original fairy tale. It's time. It's time. It's time. Let's go. I think we each get three predictions. Okay.

I'll go first. Okay. My predictions are the princess is hardly in the story at all. Incredible predictions. You know, I was also thinking the firebids probably not in it at all, but I'm going to go with the princess is hardly in it. Okay. Second prediction, there is a person of magical persuasion. Oh. Okay, like a wizard or a witch.

Love it. Love it. And three talking animals. Give them to me. Let's go. It's giving swan princess and I love it. Yes, please. God, that sounds so fun.

How great is that movie? That movie is so great. I want to just adding that to all. in my rewatch list. You know, it's a bummer. No more Mr. Nice Guy is not on Quobas. It's not on title either. And it makes me cry every day because it's such a great song.

It's such a great song. I wonder if we can make requests. You can on Quobas for sure. There's like a form you can fill out. Okay. That's like, please try harder to get the license for this song. Mm-hmm. Pretty please, thank you.

Pretty pleased and thank you. I need to see. of title does that. Okay. My predictions. The princess is the firebird. Ooh. I love that.

Curse. Curse. She's cursed as the firebird because it's like the swan princess. Because it's like the swamper. Exactly. Get off the swine princess. No.

Never. A handsome talking frog. Was he actually a prince? Didn't he say? It always claims to be. Yeah. I don't think he was, was he? I don't think he was.

God, I love that movie. It was so cute. It's flawless. I love the idea of a frog that's lying about being a prince. That's so funny. But he's just a normal frog. He just... With high aspirations.

He just wants a pretty girl to kiss him real bad. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Then you know what? We're going to go for the full Swan Princess. A trifecta prediction. True love's kiss. Ooh.

I don't feel like we hear a lot about true love's kiss. We don't. I think Disney made True Love's Kiss up. I feel like we have... Have we heard about it? I feel like we've seen it in a couple. Was it in Sleeping Beauty at all? I don't know if it was true love's kiss, but it was like...

It was a kiss. Hmm. I don't know. Yeah, Disney totally made it up. Yeah, stupid Disney. Stupid Disney. Toying with our feelings. Oh.

All right. The princess and the firebird. Once upon a time, in a faraway country, there lived a good king and a good queen. All their people loved them, and they loved each other dearly. They should have been happy, and they would have been happy,

were not for one great trouble. No kids. Oh, yeah. God damn it. I was thinking we were going to say a horrible wizard was rolling. A horrible old wizard was lurking around. Oh, no kids. All right.

No kids. All right. So you can imagine the joy of everybody when at last the queen gave birth to a baby girl. Yay. I mean, we already knew there was a princess. but all the bells rang all the people danced and feasted and sang songs and praise of their little princess who really was a most beautiful baby chubby healthy blue-eyed golden-haired like a little angel the people said wow wow okay whatever i bet the baby was ugly all babies are yes even your baby

I'm a witch. Now came the day of the baby's christening. She was to be, oh, she has a name. She was to be called Irina. Aw, cute. And the king invited all the wise men and prophets in the kingdom to attend. And he listened eagerly as these wise men, one after another, looked at the baby and foretold her destiny. A little sleeping beauty here.

Sounds, yeah, sounds very familiar. One said, she will be loving and she will be greatly loved. Oh, that's a really, that's a nice blessing. Yeah, that's nice. That's a really nice one. Somebody gets in there and they're like, every time she speaks, diamonds are going to fall out from mouth. Yeah. No, all three of these are, all three of these are actually really nice, except the third one's a little weird, but another said she will be skillful in all her ways.

Yes, please. So she's going to be loving and talented. Mm-hmm. And then the third one is the one that's a little strange. She will be better than skillful. She will be virtuous. Okay. Could meet a couple different things.

Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, no one jumps in with she's going to be so pretty. Yeah. Or she's going to speak in diamonds. So random. But one old prophet took the baby in his arms, looked at her long, shook his head, and said, Your Majesty's, you will not be able to keep this child.

One day, though I cannot tell on what day, she will leave you and wander over the face of the earth. This is cool. I've actually got goosebumps right now. Yeah. Like, I like that, I like wander off the face of the earth. Wander over the face of the earth. So, ooh, okay. Ominous.

Like, I love that this is such an interesting baby. Very many interesting baby predictions. He's just fucking with them. He's like, he's like, because he's a horrible old wizard. Yeah, come on. I've been waiting for my cranky wizard. Mm-hmm.

No, no, no. Both the king and queen determined that this should not be. So they do the thing that they always do. Put her up on a tower. Lock her up. Get out of here. Go to a cabin in the middle of the woods. Sounds like having experiences will be bad for you.

So the king had a little underground palace built. And in this palace they put the princess with an old nurse and many maidens to wait on her. Every day the king and queen came to visit her. And the little princess was happy and merry and grew every day more beautiful and more good. She danced and sang and did her lessons with an old gray beard of a professor, but she knew nothing of the great world outside, for the professor was forbidden to teach her geography. No geography corner for her.

No geography for her. I was just about to say, so she's an American child. The fame of the beautiful. beautiful little princess spread far and wide. And by the time she was in her teens, suitors came from all over the world seeking her hand in marriage. The king entertained these suitors royally. He feasted them and then he sent them away.

In his eyes, they were none of them good enough for his darling little daughter. Besides, there was no hurry. The king and queen both agreed that she was yet too young to be married. You know, they sound like okay parents. At least they're not like throwing her in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. she doesn't even know that they're her parents. She's not locked up in a towel. Like, it's not the worst.

Right. Definitely overproductive. Hire a lot of people to teach her and keep her company. Like, she's got friends. They are also locked underground with her, but they're paid to be her friends. Never mind. They're paid friends. But that's just being a princess anyway, I think.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You know. At least, yeah, at least they seem like they're around. And they can't. And they're like, she's too young. Yeah. And at the very least, they're not doing the thing that other people do.

Whereas it's kind of like, what are you, 13? High time you were married. Get married. Get out of here. Okay. Someday, said the king, we will find a suitable husband for her. Ah, but not yet, not yet, said the queen. For then she will leave us.

And then, oh, then I think my heart will break. Oh. Oh, they love her. I know, that's kind of sweet. It is really sweet. The princess was now 17 years old, and the throng of suitors was bigger and more troublesome than ever. There were princes from all over the world and even one or two young kings who had journeyed hundreds of miles and royal dukes from the king's own realm. Okay.

She's got choices. She's got choices. Girls got options. Turns out she's a little. I'm not. Oh, God, if only. That's the fix. That's the fix. She's gay. And her parents are so cool with it.

Hell yeah. But I also like how the book makes sure to specify two young kings. Young. Yes, they're young. You know? They're 11. They need a queen. Amazing. A little too young.

Okay. So the king gives the. each of them a magnificent feast and at the end of the feast he made a speech explaining that the princess was yet too young to marry but he thanked them all and if they would now come into the ballroom they would hold a merry dance the musicians were waiting he said and there were enough charming young court maidens from whom they could all select their partners so a couple of other girls married very well i assume and he's still like feeding them and letting throwing them a party Absolutely. Thanks so much for coming. Thank you for your interest. She is still a child. No wonder this king and queen are beloved.

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. They are rational people. I like it. 17 is still a child. So thank you all so much. Go away. So the suitors trooped into the dance hall. The musicians struck up and the dance began. And the night breezes brought the strains of the dance music, aw so merrily, so invitingly, down into the princess's underground palace.

The young princess was already in bed and asleep. Her old nurse yawned and cocked her head to one side. Dear me, how dull it was down here. And all that merrymaking going on in the King's Palace, the old nurse stood up. I'm just going out to have a peep, but what's happening in the King's Palace, she said. You girls.

keep watch on the princess and if she wakes and wants anything, one of you can come and fetch me. She doesn't at least get to go to the party. Granny goes to the party. I love it. That was really too bad, the girls thought. That old thing going off to enjoy herself and we shut up here. Whatever. It was she who should have stayed and we who should have gone, they said.

Well, why shouldn't we go as long as one of us is left? But who was to be that one? Certainly not I and certainly not I and certainly not I. So one after another, all those girls stole away, leaving the princess alone. But the last one of them was in such a hurry that she let a door bang behind her. They should have took the prince with her. Like, come on. I know.

Girls trip. Girls trip. They're going to get in trouble anyway. They're paid friends, not real friends. Right? Bring her along. Everybody deserves to let loose everything. She's 17.

She's old enough to, like, party at least. Right. No, she can go to the party. She just get married you. Okay. Nurse. Oh, like, and Princess Arena woke up. Nurse, she called.

No answer. Nurse. No answer. Nurse. Nurse. What is this princess? Like, a total bitch. Maybe.

Oh, wait. No, they said that she was going to. to be blessed with, like, being, like, virtuous. Kind. They didn't say nice. Didn't they said she would be loving and be loved? And loved. I still think it'd be funnier if she was kind of a bit.

She was kind of a bitch about it. Also, my figs. Like, they were just saying that. It didn't, it wasn't actually a prophecy. They were actually just being nice. They were being nice about their ugly baby. Princess Arena jumped out of bed. Where had everyone gone?

And oh, where was that lovely music coming from? Music that made her want to dance. And dance she did, round and round her bedroom and out of the bedroom and into the ante room where her maidens should have been sitting busy with their embroidery. But the ante room was empty. Where had everyone gone? They must have all gone to the dance and left her alone. She didn't like being left alone.

Why should she be left alone? Why shouldn't she also go and watch the dancing? Even if she wasn't allowed to take part in it, nobody could prevent her from watching. I agree. Hell yeah, Arena. Yeah, get out there, girl. Get it, girl.

The door of her underground palace stood invitingly open. Princess Arena slipped on an ermine robe and stepped out and up a flight of stairs into the palace garden. Oh, what a big starlit world. Nobody had ever told her the world was so big and so very, very beautiful. That must be heaven up there above her head.

I'll lit up with stars. She knew about heaven, of course. And now she was seeing it. The dance music was louder in her ears, but she didn't want to go into the dance hall. She could see her maidens dancing any day. All she wanted now was to wander on through the night and look up at the stars, which, oh my God, hard same. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Like, if I was a girl who had been trapped underground. Mm-hmm. But then you walk over the face of the earth. Mm-hmm. Key the-the-shut up. The maleficent music. Yeah. What is it?

Ha-ha-ha. Yes. No, no, na, na, na, nah. That's a fucking creepy-ass music. Oh, that's supposed to sound like. Oh, was that what it's supposed to sound like? I think so. We already talked about this.

It's crazy. Maybe. Super creepy. It's creepy. That music freaked me out. out. It is. But this doesn't, it wasn't like so ominous that was like, it could also just be adventure.

Like it wasn't like, oh, she's going to wander off and die. She's just going to wander off. I, from what, like, so far, I think that this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think that you locked her underground for 17 years. And now she's like, you know, this is her first time seeing the night sky. And she's just, and the wanderlust is going to get her. Yeah, it is. What happens next?

Okay. Oh, how beautiful the world is, she said to herself. How beautiful! And I never knew it. So she went on through the gardens, over the lawns, past the flower beds, tiptoeing there that she might not wake the sleeping flowers, and so round to the back of the palace. What was she seeing now?

A big cage whose bars were all a glitter, and when something inside the cage glittered even more brightly than the bars. Princess Arena, let me out let me out something was shrieking to her from inside the cage and the glitter of that something was leaping up and down up and down now fiery red and now brilliantly gold a huge bird beautiful yeah oh this story is so magical i like it a lot so far the princess had seen birds before the canaries and parrots the king and queen often brought to amuse her but never never had she seen her

a bird like this. Oh, you great, beautiful, wonderful, let me out. Don't stand gaping. Let me out. And Princess Arena opened the cage and let the firebird out. Good, said the firebird, ruffling his feathers and giving his wings a shake. Now, you'd better get on my back. It's high time.

We were off. I love it. Hell yeah. Off, said the princess, where? To the other side of the world, said the firebird. To where you're sorely needed. You've worked to do, princess, work to do. You've freed one prisoner.

Now you must free another. I love this. I know. This is great. This is amazing. But my father and mother, said Irina, said the firebird. Well, the firebird actually says poo, said the firebird. Pooh.

Pooh. We'll be back before they miss you. And as to those silly maids of yours, if they find you gone, well, serve them right. Teach them a lesson, that will. Now you just do what you're told. Don't you want to see a bit of the world? Oh, yes, I do. I do, said Arina.

And she scrambled up onto the firebirds back. The firebird shook out his wings. He rose into the air. Away and away he flew, away to the other side of the world. world, and there he lighted down in the courtyard of a great palace. Guards in shining armor were marching up and down there, but the glitter of the firebird's feathers dazzled them. For a moment, they clapped their hands before their faces, and in that moment the firebird flew into the palace through an open window.

Where were they now? In a room where a handsome young prince lay asleep on a golden bed. My fix is we're changing this to a princess. Mm-hmm. Now off my back with you, said the firebird to the princess. Oh, hush, whispered the princess. You'll wake him. The firebird laughed. That is for you to do, my princess.

He has been asleep for the past three years. The old witch cast a spell on him because he refused to marry her ugly daughter. It's like a reverse sleeping beauty. I love it. It is. This is great. I also. You shells.

I also, it's because of something I watched last night, but now I'm imagining the firebird is being played by Aquafina. It's like, it's like the attitude. I was like, it's kind of like a funny sidekick animal friend. It kind of reminds me when she played, aside from the horrible rap song in the Little Mariamid, but like it's a very, um, the name of the bird. Scuttle. Right? Yes. Cuddle, some like that.

It's scuttle. The old witch cast a spell on him because he refused to marry her ugly daughter. You shall sleep, she said to him. You shall sleep and sleep and sleep until a maiden who was never before looked upon the face of a young man shall kiss your lips. True loves kiss. Boom-m-b-b-b-b-b-l. I love it. I'm killing it.

Where's your mini air horn? I don't know. It's in my box. It's in my box of office stuff somewhere because they keep it on my office. Ha ha! The old witch thought that in the whole wide world there was no such maiden, but she was wrong, my princess. Now do your duty. What?

You hang back. You feel shy. Do you? Kiss him, I say. Kiss him. I haven't brought you all this long way for nothing. So sassy. So sassy.

And just be like, all right, go kiss him. Do it right now. Go kiss him, honey. Go kiss him, honey. Oh, by the way, here is the picture of Irina on the Firebirds back. Oh, that is really gorgeous. It is gorgeous. Dang, Robin Jacques.

It's almost too pretty to be Robin Jacques. I know. I'm like, that is a little bit more like, because usually I feel like his art is a little like more quirky and that's just like but he also did the princess from the nine doves with the great with the great tits and he did the three mermaids yeah no he's got some really beautiful pieces i mean i really like the quirkiness too i love the funny dragons and like the sea features he's so great but this is so straightforwardly magical and beautiful looking and i like it he was he liked the story Very shyly, almost unwillingly.

Princess Arena got down from the firebirds back and kissed the sleeping prince on the lips. Ooh. It's her first time ever seeing a boy ever. I know. How embarrassing. Oh, my God. Oh, embarrassing. What if he doesn't like me?

The prince smiled in his sleep. He raised his hand to his lips and murmured, Darling. but he did not wake. No. Kiss him again, said the firebird. That's so big and good. Do you think I ought to?

Whispered the princess who was feeling strangely shy. Of course you ought to, said the firebird impatiently. Princess Arena kissed the prince again. The prince drew a deep sigh. For a moment, he opened his eyes and then he shut them again. He's milking this. He's been awake. Yeah, this fucker.

One more kiss, said the firebird. I love that the firebird is basically me watching anything, which is you're holding the two. Now kiss. Now kiss. Princess Arena didn't need urging this time. Yeah, she didn't. Yeah, she's used to now. She's like, okay.

She's like, all right. It seemed to her that, nothing else mattered in the world but this third kiss that she must give the prince. Oh, wake up, do wake up, she whispered. And for the third time, she kissed his lips. Oh dear, now she was feeling shyer than ever for the prince sat up and put his arms around her, holding her close as if he meant to never let her go again. Aw.

Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. I love an unintentional Valentine's Day story. Me too. darling, my bride, my bride, my darling, he cried. Tell me who you are and how you came here. I am Princess Arena and the firebird brought me, but I think I ought to go home now. Home? You have come home. Home to my heart.

Oh, barf. What a line. What if this guy's like so gross. Gross. It's better if he's a girl. Yeah, for sure. The firebird was chuckling. You would better make the most of your time, he said. I must get the princess back to her little palace before cut crow. Or there will be such an uproar, such a weeping and a wailing, such a running, such searching as, oh, don't chatter, said the prince impatiently. Why did her little cat, like, her little castle seems so like condescending.

Gotta get her back to her little castle. Gotta get better, a little cat. Because this firebird is sassy as fuck and I love it. Yeah, for real. Who would you cast as the firebird? Oh my gosh. The guy I played Crazy Craig on Parks and Rec. Oh, fuck.

Yes. Billy Eichner? Billy Eichner. Fucking love him. That's off the dome. That's who I'd cast. He's so great. I also...

Oh, or the guy that played Titus on the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. That actually might be better. That'd be amazing, too. Okay, we've got three options. We've got Aquafina, Billy Eichner, and what is it, Titus? Titus Burgess, I think, is the actor's names. Yeah. If you have thoughts, dear listeners, please let us know who you would cast as the firebird.

Because I think this is very fun. So fun. Oh, my God. Fantastic. I also feel like, I was also thinking like this could be really funny. Like, the princess is Tina from Bob's Burgers. And it's Jimmy Pesto is the prince. And then the firebird, I feel like would be like a mishmash, like a two-headed firebird and it's Gene and Louise.

Yes. I love that like if they ever did like a Bob's Burger's retelling, that is exactly. That would be incredible. Like, oh, I don't know if I could kiss him. And she's just like kissing him over and over and over. Yeah, absolutely. That's perfect. The story's so cute.

I really love it. I love it. Okay. So the prince cuts the firebird off. Basically says shut up. It's not cock crow yet. Well, well, you shall have one hour in each other's company, said the firebird. You must make the best of that.

And they did make the best of that hour. Oh, my goodness. Oh, it's way more chaste than that, actually. Princess Arena told the prince all about her underground palace and about her father the king and her mother the queen and about her old professor and her nurse and her maidens and about the dance music and her first sight of the wonderful

wonderful starlit world. Aw, they're like just catching up and getting to know each other. I love it. And the prince listened and laughed and interrupted the telling with his frequent kisses until at last the firebird cried out

enough, enough, it's time to go home. This is So cute. They're just like talking and making out. I love that. I love that. I love that. So adorable. And like age appropriate. I know. Isn't there anything better than being 17 and just making out? Just making out. Yeah. Oh, I love him. It was very difficult to say goodbye, but it had to be said, though not before the prince had promised to set out immediately with a suitable retinue to ask the king and queen, Arina's parents, for Arina's hand and marriage. I know. What are they going to say?

I mean, they got us, I guess. She's too young. Not my daughter. Again. It seemed to Princess Arena that she had been away from home for years and years. When the firebirds set her down outside her little underground palace, she could scarcely believe that the dance in her father's hall was still going on. And that the stars I was like,

I know, I was worried to. I was like, does the prince live in an alternate dimension? Because holy fuck. And that happens. It happens frequently.

And like an hour there is like 60 years or something. She comes back and they're all like skeletons. Yep. I don't know. When the fire, when the firebird set up, the dance is still going on and the stars were still bright in the sky. Now the firebird bade her good night.

and went back into his cage. The princess tiptoed into her little palace, and when by and by her nurse and maidens came in, they found her in bed with her eyes closed, smiling in what they thought to be a peaceful sleep. Yes, they have all been... Dreaming about one particular girl. About another princess.

Yes, they have all been very naughty, for if they hadn't been, no, it doesn't bear thinking of. And now what am I going to say to my mother and father when next I see them? No, best say nothing. Best leave it until my prince arrives. It seemed to Arina a very long time before the prince did arrive, for he had a great distance to travel right across the world.

And when he did arrive, he brought almost as much sorrow to the king and queen as he brought joy to Arina. It was so very hard for them to part with their darling after her marriage with the prince. But of course her happiness was the most important thing in the world. And the firebird cheered them up by telling them that he would be their carrier, that to fly with the king and queen across the world would be an honor and the more often the merrier. So sweet. Yeah.

I'm like, where's the, I feel like there needs to be some sort of twist or something, but it's just kind of nice. Yeah, everything's working out great. Everything's working out really, like, too well. Too well. Mm-hmm. What's this firebirds deal? What's the, what's the catch? What's the firebirds deal?

all he asked in return was to be freed from his cage. That request was immediately granted. Woohoo. And, woohoo. And after the wedding, the firebird built a nest for himself on the roof of the king's palace. By and by, he found a mate as brilliantly colored as himself. And very soon, they're perched on the roof a little company of squawking firebird chicks, whose red and green and gold plumage was a wonder to behold.

Aw. As for the king and queen, their frequent journeys across the world on the firebirds back, almost, though not quite, made up for the loss of their darling arena. And after all, as they frequently told themselves, the fact that arena was happy and free was of more importance than anything else. The end. Okay. Okay. That was really sweet. I feel like it needed a little more, I don't know, just something to like.

throw a wrench in their plans. It just, it was a little too nice. It needed a cranky wizard who was trying to prevent all of this from happening. Exactly. Like the witch who cursed the prince in the first place should have still been around and tried to curse the princess too. Dude,

that's the fix. Yeah. Just some, there needed to be like something, some adversity that they had to overcome because it was all just kind of too nice. It was real nice. I agree. I needed a little bit more of a roadblock.

Yeah. Just something right there at the end that's like... Yep. Nope. It's the witch. I think the witch needs to try to prevent them being together somehow. Mm-hmm. I only got...

I don't know. Does the firebird count as a talking animal? I think so. It's a bird. Okay. It even attracts a mate and has babies. Like it's a biological. logical entity.

Little baby firebirds. Yep, little baby firebirds. So cute. Okay, yeah, I got two points then because the princess was in the story quite a bit. Quite a bit. You got curse and true loves kiss. You got two points. I did.

Oh, my gosh. I love it so much. Although the princess is the firebird was such a cool prediction that also was. I know. Oh, I was very cool. That would have been tight. Mm-hmm. All right. Yeah, that was great.

So fun. Very magical and like pretty. Yeah. And like a very romantic, romantic tale. I loved it. Yeah. An accidental Valentine's Day. This will definitely come out after that, but whatever. Belated. It'll still come out in February.

Love is forever. Love is forever. Yeah. For every month. Well, I think that was a very fun episode. Thank you so much for telling me. great story. You're welcome. Thank you for telling me great stories. I love this show. I feel much better now. It's been, it's been a rough long time, but especially like in the last

couple weeks have been real, real rough. And I feel very uplifted. Me too. I feel restored. Yeah. Thank you. It's always great hanging out with people who fill up your cup. Yeah. It's the best. And thank you. We hope we hope that filled your cup as well. very important in these trying times times are really hard and stressful right now and you know just got to keep on just you got to just keep on i don't even know just read more fairy tales i guess read more fairy tales mm-hmm thank you so much for listening to fairy tale fix if you enjoy the show please subscribe or leave us a review or whatever whatever you can do on your podcast app give us like a follow or a little star, that'd be great.

You can also support us on our Patreon. We give out bonus episodes every other month. We also send fun content. We have some really exciting things, hopefully coming for our Patreon producers to thank them. And you can sign up for that at patreon.com forward slash fairy talefix pod. Yeah. So email us or DM.

us. Sometimes we don't get back to you right away, but we promise we're reading them and we will get back to you when we can. We love me. We love seeing your messages. It really brightens our day that people enjoy the show. It really does. Yes, please keep writing to us. It means a lot. It does. Thank you so much. And that's it. I was like, how to do the show again? What's the word for the day? Oh, comment. Money equals evil. We both went very different directions with that. One of those.

Yeah, comment something like that. We'll get it. We love you. And so my fairy tales were both perfect and I have zero fixes for them because they were both awesome. Hell yeah. Chinese dragons forever. Hell yeah, Chinese dragons forever. And in the princess and the firebird, everything happened exactly the same except, you know, feel free to make the prince a princess in your imagination, as I will be doing.

And also the witch that cursed the sleeping royal comes back in some capacity to try to prevent their marriage from taking place. Yeah. Yeah. Just throw a little adversity in there, a little spice. Yeah, little challenge. These princes have it too easy. Hell yeah. And they all lived.

Happily ever after. The end.