Fairy Tale Fix - 122: My Two Daddies

Episode Date: April 14, 2026

The Laughing Apples What’s so funny? Find out this week on Fairy Tale Fix (spoiler alert; it’s us) as Abbie reads us the Sicilian fairy tale The Laughing Apples as written by our favorite, Ruth Manning-Sanders. This is a long one so strap in! Make sure to rate, review, and subscribe. You can find us on Instagram @fairytalefixpod, and chat with us on our Discord channel! Join our Patreon at patreon.com/fairytalefixpod and visit us at fairytalefixpod.com. Fairy Tale Fix Podcast is a Fantastic Worlds Production. Fairy Tale Fix is performed and produced by: Abbie Lammel (@bonanzafamine)Kelsey Horne (@monsieurcheval)With tremendous thanks to our good friend, Dustin Alexander In partnership with our Patreon producers: Angel EspinozaGisselle M. InganCynthia LammelWilliam JohnsonElizabeth MasoudDami SchlobohmCaroline DonhamMelissa BuronRabia SadiqTamra DerryLinda Kay PardonnetDana DomkoCait Williams Books and other media mentioned in this episode: Check out all the books from the show here!A Book of Heroes & Heroines (currently out of print) Fairy Tale Fix Podcast is a Fantastic Worlds Production.

I'm trying to remember what his name was. But did your school have, like, a gym teacher who would come, when you were in elementary school, like they would come and they do PE with you once a week? No. Like, P.E. wasn't like a class in elementary school, but like they did have like a PE person. I had a second grade teacher and she was the PE person. She like did both things. She was like a teacher full time and then would also do the PE classes.

Mm-hmm. Um, Miss, she was the cutest and sweetest and nicest love. That's so adorable. Isn't that the cutest name too? Like, that's a really, that's a really cute name. She's adorable. Well, I don't think this guy actually taught any other, like, I don't think he had a grade or, like, took or anything at my school. But, like, there was, like, a gym teacher who would come once a week and we would do, like, a PE session.

I had an art teacher like that that would come to like different classes. And she wasn't like, we had, I don't know why I remember her name, but not the gym guy. I think it's because I hate moving. You're like, I don't remember you, but I remember your beautiful bald head. I remember, okay, so here's the thing is like I just this is how you know like sexuality is such a rich tapestry because even little me at. I think 10 years old, 10 or 11, was just like, wow, I really like looking at this man for some reason. He's got a nice, he's got a nice head. I liked his head.

I thought he had a cool mustache. And I remember his legs were beautiful. Oh. And because I was a tiny person, I saw a lot of his legs. because he'd wear like shorts in the summer. And I just like, and I would just, I remember. I know. They were, they were so toned.

I remember like even as like a 10 year old thinking like, wow, he has beautiful calves. So I had like a little bit of a crush on the gym teacher even though I can't remember his name. But yeah, I don't know. Bald heads have never bothered me. I don't mind a bald head. Bald is beautiful. But as we meant we were talking about this. before we started recording. But you got to make a decision. It can't be like half and half.

It's got to be like, if you're balding, just shade it, king. Just shave it. Yeah. Just go full, go for it. Go for it. Or go for it the other way if you want to try to resuscitate your hair line. Like get plugs. Get, um, yeah. Oh, and you're really getting so good now. Like with the technology for hair growth. Hair growth science has come, has come on. by leaps and bounds. But, you know, make a decision either way. Are you, are you trying, are you trying to bring the hair back? Go for it, King.

Technology has come so far. Godspeed. And also like women suffer thinning hair too. Like you are, you are not alone. Thinning hair is super common. Yep. Or, you know, if you've decided you don't feel like going that route, shave it off, babe. Yeah, hell yeah.

Wax it. Get a nice shiny head. I love it. a shiny head. Me too. It's a great look. Yeah. I think bald with a cap actually looks nice.

Yeah, me too. I love bald with a facial feature. I like that he had a mustache. What kind of mustache was it? Best mustache. Is it like big and long or was it like? No, it wasn't long. It was, it was just, I just remember it was like, he was just so well groomed.

Like the mustache was just, it was neat. It was. full, but it wasn't like a bushy. Like, it didn't remind me of my dad's mustache. Yeah. It was just a, it was just a nice, well-shaped, well-groomed mustache that it wasn't droopy. There weren't wild hairs anywhere. Love a good mustache.

I don't know. It was just, it was really, it was great. He had a big bald head, beautiful calves, and a fantastic mustache. Do you remember? Bebe. Caves? He was a science. I think I ever had.

I didn't either, but he would walk around always wearing shorts with his giant calf muscles. They were huge. And it was like, sir, are you a runner? Are you a pole vaulter? Like, how did you know? How did you get these? How did you get these gams? Where did these legs come from?

Legs for days. Amazing. Yeah, I never had him as a teacher, but I remember his calves. Got it. I honestly don't remember what he looks like at all. I don't think I was aware of him, really. That's a shame. It's a shame because I feel like I missed out now. You definitely did. I'm very sad. How does the high school science teacher get that grade of calves? I don't know. He's probably a runner.

I know. Something. He does something. Professional Pogo stick. Maybe he pogoed to work like Tigger. Do you remember Pogo sticks? Yes. Does it even exist anymore? Gosh, I feel like maybe not because they were so... No, they totally do.

They were fun, but so dangerous. You can buy them. They totally do? Okay. Like, there's like at Walmart, oh my gosh. I kind of want... Is it bad that I kind of want to get one? No, not a lot.

I also kind of want a Pogo stick. Like, it was so hard to this picture of a kid on a Pogo stick. Do kids still Pogo these days? Parents, please let us know. Oh, by the way, this is very jailfix. Oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh. Thank you for thinking of this six minutes in instead of like. At the end. I don't know, listeners, if you noticed last time, but I really shoehorned. I really shoehorned that theme song in because Kelsey and I didn't remember until we were doing the outro that we never did an intro. No, your editing was so smooth. I was impressed. I was like, oh, nice. Thank you. Perfect.

Perfection. Perfection. So smooth. And editing out, we had a long conversation and we had to edit out some names. We got real personal. We did. We did. Please don't stock either of us.

Yes. Please don't. But yes, this is fairy tale fix. And I'm Kelsey. I'm Abby. And this is the What the Fuck Fairy Tale podcast where we read each other, fairy and folk tales from around the world. And then we fix them.

We do. For a modern-ish audience. Yeah. For us. For you. We fix them for you. We're here for you. Thank you for listening.

We are here for you. Thank you for listening. We're so grateful and so excited. Quick shout out to a new listener that I discovered. a couple of weeks ago. Shout out to my intern, Danny, who told me she listens to the show and she started over from the beginning.

It's going to be years before she gets to this episode. But we probably won't know each other anymore. Or if we do, that would be super awesome. Well, here's hoping she gets there. I hope she gets there. But shout out to Danny in the meantime. I know you're doing very cool things at this point. What is it?

122. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, one 20. Time you reach 122, you're going to be running the world probably, as you should. Hopefully. Hopefully. And I hope that we still talk sometimes. That actually reminds me.

I wanted to send out a shout out to our patrons who I sent some cards to. So Amy, Lucas, and Franz. if your cards accidentally stuck to the envelope. So I'm just going to put this out there. I quit my job. And I've had, yeah, I'm on a wellness retreat is what I'm calling it. Yes, you are. I quit my job.

A well-deserved wellness. So I have some free time. Although I'm filling it up with like things to do. I'm not the kind of person who like does well with free time. I have to be doing something all the time. It's just my personality. Maybe is that ADHD? I don't know.

You're very industrious, whatever it is. You're bad at being idle. Yeah, I cannot. If I'm watching a show, I have to be like painting my nails or cooking something or planning my meals for next week or whatever. But there was, I was like, I need to send these thank you cards. I know they're super late. Thank you for being patient.

So I sent stickers and like a thank you card. and I didn't have envelopes that fit the cards that I have. And I got like really annoyed. And I was like, I don't want to go buy envelopes. Envelopes are just folded paper. So I went on like, I went and researched how to make my own envelopes. And I did. So that's why they look a little weird.

They are custom made for you three. Jesus. Custom made envelopes. And I didn't realize that as I was gluing the top and like ceiling. them that I think some of the glue might have gotten on the postcard. So I apologize. So you got Kelsey's an original Kelsey envelope. First edition, first attempt. And honestly, that's super special. I like when you were texting me photos of the process, like I was blown away. I was like, damn, Kelsey's really going above and beyond. What an amazing

personal touch. And then a. you told me that it was just because you just were, you're weirdly like, you were too lazy to go buy new envelopes, but you weren't, but like making them yourself didn't. You have to cut them into a square. And then I followed this person. I should shout them out. But you just search how to fold an envelope on Instagram. And it came up. It was super helpful. And it worked really well. And if you have like special paper. Yeah, they looked great. I was really excited about it because I have this special paper. that's like really pretty and I was like oh I'm going to use that but that paper was not eight and a half by 11 it was like just a little bit smaller and it did not fit and I was really mad and then I was like well I'm still going to make these envelopes I did it while watching Futurama so sounds like a nice time I I honestly kind of I love I love I love I love the journey that you've been on with this making a lot of stuff yeah you have been and also

Because I think like being industrious and being productive is a really good thing. I think that people like staying busy and devoting themselves to projects that make them feel like they accomplish something is an excellent thing. And I love it that you get to be in this phase right now where you don't have to explore that in exchange for money. You can do things that make you feel like productive and interested. I made granola, like homemade granola. And it's really good. It's also really easy. I'm learning things that I'm probably going to carry on

like with me, you know, like making granola. I made bagels. Okay. And they were really good the first day. The second day, they were like hard as a rock. I think I needed the dough too much. Is that a thing? Yeah.

And bagels are fun to make because you have to, you boil them in like boiling water and then you bake them. Okay. It's like, it's a fun process. I've made a baguette. I'm just, you know, I've been going on run. Anyway, it's been very fun. I'm on my wellness retreat. I'm getting my head right and then I'm going to get back into the workforce, like a good

capitalist. Yep. Like a good little capitalist stooge. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But I'm just, ugh, this has been, it's been so fun to watch. It's been a lot of fun to spectate. It's very fun.

Yeah. And I'm glad I quit during the spring, too, because it's been really nice outside. So it's been a lot of time outdoors and not like, you know, cooped up inside. Yep. Sitting in your little office at your little desk, doing your little job. Okay. Are you ready to tell me? Oh.

I am very happy to say that at last, I am going to tell you the laughing apples. Yes. I am very excited to read it to you. I read it this morning. It is, it's a long one, as we've said before on the pause. So it wasn't a good fit for a cold read. I thought it was a good time. I really enjoyed the story. So I'm excited to read it to you. I think it's, I think it's worth it. It's worth its length. Okay. Oh, I'm so excited. Do you know approximately how many pages it is? It is. So I think with illustrations, it's around 18 pages. Woo! I think without illustrations that still comes in at around 15.

And that's like page sizes are like in the like old library book editions of the Ruth Manning Sanders books. So this book is from a book of heroes and heroines. Nice. I know I was going to read it and I do not have that. No, I think I'm the only one with this copy. So that's really exciting for me because there's some good ones in here. Like the story, because this is also what the, like the princess and the firebird came from this.

Oh, nice. There's a couple of others in here that I'm kind of stoked to read to you at some point. A huge shout out. Thank you so much, Melissa. She sent us two more books. She sent us a book of monsters. Oh. So Melissa, you're so sweet to us.

I know. Everyone, please go buy as many books for Mad Media as you can. Absolutely. The books are amazing. The stories are incredible and the people behind republishing these, Melissa, is just the best. It deserves all your support for keeping these books in circulation because they're fantastic. And I actually have a copy of a book of monsters already, so maybe we should do a giveaway soon. I think you should because I've got, well, yeah, I've all.

got a copy of a book of monsters as well. I think mine might be like an old paperback Ruth Bannings Sanders though. We can discuss later. We'll talk later. But so this is the laughing apples. This is a story from Sicily, which I believe we've done one or two Sicilian. Yeah, I think there's a couple mermaid stories or just a mermaid stories. Is it the Yeah, I think the Three Mermaids was Sicily. We've done a few. And I believe we've already geography cornered it. But just as a refresher for everybody,

Sicily is a, it's the largest Mediterranean island. It is technically part of Italy down at sort of the southernmost end. Yeah. Okay. The laughing apples. Oh, my gosh, I'm really excited about this. Give me three predictions. Okay.

For what you think the laughing apples is about. I really predict I'm going to hate the laughing apples part. I hate talking flowers. I can't imagine laughing apples being any better. But I also predict that the laughing apples are hardly in it. And my third prediction is a great, the, the protagonist goes on a great journey. I mean, it's so long, it's got to be like a great journey, right? I think you're about to find out.

Bonus prediction. Ooh, yeah. It doesn't count. It doesn't count. If you want to give me four, you actually told, you totally can. I just want to do a bonus prediction of I really, really want there to be a cranky old wizard in it. Wizard or witch. One always hopes for a cranky old wizard.

It's a bonus, so it doesn't matter. But I really want it to be a wizard. I don't know why I just really want that. I mean, obviously, I love a cranky old witch too. Yeah. You love a cranky old magic user of some variety. I really do. I just want them to have a beard.

It can be a witch. I just imagine like, I love a long beard. Really long wizard beard. That's what I want. Okay. Get me that. Okay. Oh, bonus, bonus prediction.

This wizard cursed the apples and that's why they're laughing. Or cursed. That would be. Yeah. That's so fucking creepy. I have a. I have story ideas. I need to start writing these and making my own books.

That's probably never going to happen because I will never like sit down and like start writing. I mean, out of all of your productive wellness retreat tasks, sitting down to write something has not happened yet. That's true. Maybe I should. If I still had a laptop, I need to take a laptop and go to a cafe for like four hours and just, you know what? Maybe that's what I'll do this week. I'm going to pencil it in. Oh, look at it.

I would love it if you did that. Look at Bree behind you. She's like sticking her nose under the door. Oh, can you see her? Okay. Look at her. She's playing. The dog is on the other side of the door.

Oh, that's why. Okay. So she's enjoying taunting him by sticking her little paws under the doors. It's so cute. I can hear him, I can hear his nails clicking out there. It's adorable. Okay. All right. Anyway. Okay. I'm going to get started. Okay. The laughing apples. Part one. The merchant's three daughters. Mm-hmm. I bet they're hot. Oh my gosh. They're so hot. A lot of classic fairy tale trips in this one. I think it's really enjoyable. Okay. I love it. A merchant had three daughters. They were all very lovely, but the young, whose name was Zafferana was the loveliest of the three.

Starting off strong with our leading lady has a name, Saffirana. The merchant often traveled into foreign lands, and always on his travels, he carried with him the portraits of his three daughters. Well, now, one day the merchant traveled to France. What do you laugh at all? I'm imagining these, like,

he's carrying around these giant portraits. Oh, my gosh. That would be so funny. I actually like that better than the, I imagine that it's probably more like small but small like his wallet pictures of his father's daughters exactly like very wholesome very wholesome and sweet but but like giant oil painting portraits is now what I imagine um and apparently he's like a gemstone merchant so he could afford that shit oh because he he travels to France and he sold some jewels to the French king

and the king was delighted with the jewels and the merchant said, yes, your majesty, those jewels are doubtless rare and precious, but I have more precious jewels at home. So he's also trying to do a little other business while he's there, advantageous matches and such.

He's matched with his jewels. Exactly. His giant oil painting. See, now I'm imagining him pulling like a red velvet curtain off of the three. Of the three. The king looked at the portraits. He gazed and gazed at the portrait of Zafferana and said,

This maiden and no other shall be my wife. You know how he loves the youngest of three maidens? The kings love the youngest daughter. Lover. It's fine. It's not weird at all. That's great. And not a problem.

Let's just pretend the youngest is already in her 40s. I'm, yes, we're that exactly. All three of these women fully grown. Hell yeah. Okay. So the king accompanies the merchant home. And as they're sailing, through the Straits of Messina, and

just to everybody knows, more geography corner, Messina is a city on the coastline of Sicily, and it's actually the closest point between Sicily and mainland Italy. Oh, cool. And that's where the Strait of Messina is. So they're traveling through the

Strait of Messina, and a strange thing happened. There came a voice, a threatening voice, out of the air, and the voice said, do not touch Zafferana, for Zafferana is mine. Is it a cranky wizard? That frightened both the merchant and the king of France.

And when they reached the merchant's home, the king scarcely dared look at Zafarana. Instead, he gazed long and lovingly at the merchant's eldest daughter and he married her and he took her home with him to France. He's like, yeah, she's still hot. She's still hot. You know what, actually? The giant voice in this guy can keep her. It's fine. Zaffirana is spoken for.

I'm not even going to look at it. the bitch. I want the eldest one now. She'll do. That's amazing. I love that it scares both. Yeah. The fuck was that. So not long after this, the merchant took another journey this time to Portugal. And again, he carried the pictures of his three daughters with him. Three, even though the eldest is married? Yes, it still says three. I know. He's like, I don't know if it's going to work out. He's not, he's not marketing her this time.

The reason he carried the portrait. There's a big X over her face. No. No. You can't have this one. She's the queen of France now. No, I mean, you know, there's also the slim possibility that he carried these portraits in the first place because he likes his daughters and wants to look at their faces every much in a while.

But regardless, he does show all three portraits to the king of Portugal. You never know what's going to happen with these things. You never know. Merchant of all the beauties in the world, your daughter Zaffirana is the most beautiful. She and none other shall be my wife. And so they set sail. I bet Zafrana so boring. She has no personality.

And these men are just picking her based on her looks. Based purely on that face card. Yeah. Rude. Rude. So rude, truly. So they're sailing for Sicily, and they're once again sailing through the Straits of Messina, and the threatening voice once again calls loudly,

Do not touch Zafferana, for Zafferana is mine. Ooh. Ooh. And the merchant said to the king of Portugal, My lord king, it is certain that some enchantment lies upon my poor youngest daughter. This is the second time I've heard that voice. I dare not give Zafferana to you in marriage. But if it so pleases you, you can have my second daughter.

You can still have this one. You can have this. She's pretty cute too. She's a sparkling personality. She's actually the funniest because she's the middle child. Exactly. She needed to come up with some coping mechanisms. Amazing.

So the king of Portugal, who's also scared, said he didn't want to have anything to do with enchanted girls. And when they arrived at the merchant's house, he turned his eyes away from Zafirana. But he gazed long and lovingly at the merchant's second daughter. And he married her and took her home with him to Portugal. Nice, nice. Yeah. So, you know, well done, well done eldest two. Good job.

I love the idea that Zafarana is just an absolute dud. face is her face is really hot yeah she's the personality of a brick wall a brick wall a brick wall that's you know that's not true you know she's like the nicest sweetest yeah but she's not the funniest she's not the bravest no she's not the most resourceful that's for the oldest the eldest daughter exactly exactly um but she is brave also also a little snippy, a little like... A little snippy. A little put upon.

They feel bad. The eldest daughters, we feel bad for ourselves. The middle child, the funniest, the best personality, knows all the best restaurants. Exactly. And the youngest ones are the prettiest. But there ain't nothing going on up there. Absolutely nothing going on upstairs for youngest daughters. It's all out.

apple sauce. Hey, you said it. Anyway, that's actually not the case. Zafarana, as you will see, is pretty resourceful and cool. Nice. Yeah, of course she does have one, she does have one major problem, though, which people, people get to. The story doesn't think it's a problem. I think it's a problem, and I think you will agree with me. I can't wait. Okay. So, Zafarana now lives alone with her father, and her father could never forget that threatening voice. But the day came when he must take yet another journey overseas. So he called all his servants together and said, To you, I entrust my daughter, as you value your service with me, guard her well. Master, said the servants, we'll guard her with our lives. So the merchant sets out on his

journey with a heavy heart. And for a time, all went well in his house. The servants obeyed Zafferana's slightest wish, but they kept their eyes open to see that no evil befell her. And one morning Zafferana said, today I want to go for a drive on the hills. Oh, a drive. Yeah. She wants more specifically, she wants her carriage to be harnessed up, get the coachman, get the footman, and then she wants to be taken for a drive. I love that for her. Yeah.

I don't know. I'm like picturing her in like a little car. She's like, I know. That would be so funny. And now I can see it with like she's got head scarf. Oh my God. That would be so cute. Yes, big sunglasses, headscarf, like the full, like, 40s Hollywood starlet.

Bright red lipstick. Pocodotts, probably. Mm-hmm. Cigarette. Oh. Now I'm in love. I know. Sounds hot.

But no, she's actually a prim young lady who is being, she is sitting in her carriage with her ladies made and, you know, being driven by a team of horses in a carriage. Okay. So when they get up to the hills, Zafferana said, I'm going to get out and take a stroll. And she jumped down from the carriage and set off up a steep hillside, her maid going with her. And the carriage waited. The carriage waited a long time.

And then the coachman heard someone screaming. It was the maid screaming. She came running and stumbling down the hill. Our mistress, our beloved mistress, she cried. A cloud came down from the, sky it wrapped itself about our dear mistress and oh it rose into the air again and carried her off that's her husband that was her husband the coachman jumped down from the box seat and the footman jumped down from behind the carriage they left the horses standing they ran up the hill this way

and that way no they couldn't find a trace of zaffirana and in great distress they turned and drove home to carry the sad news to the old housekeeper Teresa. Oh, Teresa. I know. Teresa gets a name too. She's only, she's never seen again after her next line. What an icon. Yeah, absolutely.

And what an iconic, uh, iconic line. You fools, you dumb heads, cried Teresa. Of course our mistress Zafferana must still be on the hillside. and she called all the man servants together, abade them take lanterns and go back up the hill. If you have to search till dawn, she said, don't you dare come back without your mistress? Mm-hmm.

Damn right. Hell yeah. The men went. They searched through the night. They searched till dawn. They searched till midday. But they did not find Zafferana, for the cloud had carried her far, far away.

And that there was a sad homecoming for the merchant. But he was just a man. He remembered the whole, he remembered the voice he had heard in the Straits of Messina, and he did not blame his servants. Whose voice was it? He asked himself. One thing is certain. It is the owner of that voice who has taken away

my darling Zaffirana. And oh, whoever you may be, he cried, stretching his hands up to the clouds. I pray you, deal kindly and fairly with her. Then he sent up messengers east, west,

north and south, seeking for news of Zafurana, but all the messengers came back with the sad tidings that they had heard nothing of her. Amazing. Amar, I'm really glad he didn't blame the servants. Yeah, me too.

Like, he's, he's, like, he's, he's, he's, he's not, um, an unreasonable person. Like, the reason he was worried in the first place was he was hearing mysterious voices coveting his daughter and. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like Teresa was ready to chop their heads off. I feel like she was like, don't you fucking come back without her. Don't you fucking dare come back without her. Part two.

Carried off by a cloud. Ah. I love it. That's so fun. I know. It's a really fun story. Like, it's a fun adventure. Okay. And what had become of Zaffirana? Well, the cloud had carried her away and away and set her down before a great castle. And at the entrance to the castle stood an old white-haired man. The old man was dressed in handsome robes and his eyes were bright and sparkling, but his shoulders were stooped and his voice was husky.

I'm just going to give it to you right now. now. Yeah. Cranky wizard. We got a we got a we got a cranky old. We got a cranky old either. It never says wizard. But he's cranky, he's old and he can use clouds. So I, I do. So I'm giving it to you. Bambo, boom, bam. Bam, bam. That's like, I was reading it. I was kind of like, oh yeah, Kelsey's going to love this story. I'm so excited. Zaffirana, he said, I have waited long for you. Come in now. All shall go well with you if you serve me faithfully. Please be like a witch apprentice. Zufferana felt frightened. She answered meekly, I will serve you as best I can, since it seems I can do no other.

I was kidnapped here by a cloud and I don't really know what else I can do. For real. That's so funny. She's like, all right. She's like, okay. I have no other choice. Yeah, all right. And she followed the old man into the castle. Now she must read to him, sing to him, play to him on the zither, whilst he sat and listened, nodding his head until he fell asleep.

Zafferana had no other work. The rooms were kept bright. The meals were duly served. But Zafferana never saw. by whose hands all this was done. And the days passed and the weeks passed. And then one morning, the old man said, Zafferana, the sun shines and the birds are singing,

come into the garden and comb my hair. So Zafarana took a brush and a comb and went with the old man out into the garden. The old man sat on a bench under a pear tree and Zafarana stood behind him and brushed and combed his long white hair. Kind of unusual to have like, we're combing an old man's hair and not the other way around. Yeah, yeah. And he doesn't seem like, he's not like, you're my wife, at least not yet. He's just like, you're going to, it's very howls moving castle. No, it's, is it house moving castle? No, it's that other book I read that kind of remind me,

it's another like wizard brings in a witch, not a witch, but like a girl. And like, no, you have to live in my tower with me. I care of what it was called. I actually didn't like that book very much. Anyway, go on. I'm sorry. Oh, that sounds cool when you remembered, tell me. But if you didn't like it very much, I probably won't know either.

Yeah, it was disappointing. I didn't like the main character. Oh, yeah. Later, you have to tell me how your vampire book ended. Speaking of which. That's how it ended. But yeah, he's not, he's not especially, he doesn't, he, he just wants her as a companion. Okay.

It seems for now. As a apprentice of magic. Let's keep reading. The old man sat silent for a while and he said, Saferana, I have something to tell you. You now have a little nephew. Your eldest sister who married the king of France has given birth to a, baby boy.

Oh, exclaimed Zafferana, how I should love to see him. And so you shall see him, said the old man. My cloud shall take you. But mind you, I cannot spare you for long. The moment you hear my call, you must come back. Yes, I'll come back, said Zafurana. Is that a promise? Said the old man.

Yes, it's a promise, said Zafirana. I believe her. Totally. She's a good girl. She's the youngest. Yeah, she's the youngest. Of course. Sure.

If I don't, you'll probably just kidnap me via cloud again. Then the old man took her indoors and into a big room. In the room, there were three armchairs. One was made of pure gold. One was made of silver. One was made of lead. When you returned to me, Zafrana, said the old man. You will find me sitting in one of these chairs.

If I'm sitting in the gold chair, it will mean that I am pleased with you and all will be very well between us. If I'm sitting in the silver chair, I shall not be pleased, but neither shall I be displeased. But if I am sitting in the leaden chair, I shall be so displeased with you

that I doubt I shall be able to forgive you. Oh, my darling Zafranah, whom I love as if you were my own daughter, do not cause me the grief of having to rebuke you. Oh, I love you as my own daughter. Interesting. Very interesting. Don't make daddy sin love.

the lead chair. Oh, make daddy mad. Don't piss off daddy. Daddy. Do you think he's going to sit in the lead chair at some point? Hmm. I bet it's going to go gold, silver, and then lead because Zephrana's going to get more and more tired of his shit, where she's like, actually, I want to be with my sisters and be free. Oh man

What a crazy prediction I know I'm so good at guessing She's gonna be like huh Actually I do care about my bodily autonomy I don't I don't want to go back yet

I would not Willingly cause you grief said Zafrana For indeed you are good to me How is he good to her I mentioned earlier that I feel that the story doesn't think there's anything wrong with Zafirana, but I do. And we're going to begin to see some of that as the story continues.

Well, be, well now, be off to visit with your sister, said the old man. He went with her into the garden again, put two fingers to his lips, and whistled. Immediately a cloud came floating down from the sky. The cloud wrapped itself round Zafrana, rose with her up into the air, carried her swiftly, swiftly over the land, over the sea, over the land again, and set her down in front of the palace of the king of France. Zafranah ran into the palace and found her eldest sister sitting by an open window with a beautiful little baby boy in her arms. I know. The eldest sister was overjoyed to see Zafrana.

They spent three happy days together, three happy days that seemed to Zavrana so very short a time. But at the end of the three days, she heard her master's voice calling, loudly, calling clearly Zafferana, Zafferana, and she jumped up, kissed her sister and said, I must go, my master calls me. Blah. Blah. Oh, stop a little longer, just a little longer, said her eldest sister. But Zafrana would not stop.

She hurried out of the French King's Palace and the cloud floated down from the sky, wrapped itself around her. Over the land, over the sea, and over the land again, the cloud carried her and set her gently down in front of the old man's castle. I'm not saying her situation is ideal, but it is kind of cool to be able to travel via cloud to see your family. It is cool. Yeah.

And like, she doesn't, she doesn't have a hard life. Yeah. She doesn't seem to hate this old man. He's sending her on clouds to visit family for important family events. Mm-hmm. Still though. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. He's awful strict about time limits.

She also really doesn't have any opinions about anything. She sure doesn't, does she? So far. I'm just kind of like, because there's nothing going on up there. Apple sauce. She's just like, man. I would never want to. What did she say?

I would never want to. I would never willingly cause you grief for indeed you are good to me is what she said. I would never willingly cause you grief, said no one. man ever to any man. I will cause you grief every second I have. As soon as you piss me, don't piss me off. Okay. So Zafrana hurried into the castle and found the old man sitting in the gold chair.

He was smiling. You're a good girl, Zafrana, he said, and I have missed you sorely. Come now. Sing me to sleep. You're a good girl. He's getting creepy and creepy and creepy. You were by the good girl. Sitting in his gold sucking chair.

Yep. Yes, good girl, Zephrana. So she sang and the old man wept, and she thought wistfully of her eldest sister and wondered if she would ever see her again. Well, it wasn't very long after this. The old man went with Zephrana into the garden again, seated himself on the bench under the pear tree,

and bade her brush and comb his hair. The old man sat with his eyes closed, and Zafferana thought he must be dozing, so silent he was. But suddenly he opened his eyes and spoke. Zafarana, I have good news for you. Your second sister, who married the king of Portugal, has given birth to a little daughter.

And I know you will want to visit her. I will call my cloud to take you. But remember, oh, remember Zafrana, that when I call you, you must come back at once. Okay. Uh-huh. I'll remember, said Zafferana. Then the old man called his cloud, and the cloud came and wrapped itself around her, and it rose with her into the air, carried her over the land, over the sea, and over the land again,

and set her down before the palace of the king of Portugal. Zafirana went into the palace and found her second sister sitting rocking a cradle, in which lay a most lovely little baby girl. Then such joy there was, the sisters embracing the baby, lifted out of the cradle and laid in Zafferana's arms. In three days from now, our darling baby is to be christened, said Zafferana's sister. She shall be called by your name and you shall be her godmother. Aw.

I know. I seem really close. That's sweet. It's really sweet. Three days, such happy, happy days they were for Zafarana. But on the fourth day, as she stood in the church before the fountain with the baby in her arms, there suddenly rang out a loud voice, her master's voice, calling Zafferana, Zafferana. Oh, I will come, dear master, whispered Zafirana.

I will come when the christening is over, but I cannot put the baby down and leave the church in such an unseemly hurry. Dear master, you will understand that. And this is the part where her sister is like, what the fuck are you doing with this guy? And gets her like a good talking to. This is my fix is that the sisters are like, I'm sorry, what? You're living with an old man who tells you what to do and where you can go? Intervention. Yeah, yeah.

Is he a king? Is he a king? He's got powers. Is he hot? No, he's old? What? No, what? This is my fix.

Yeah. Keep a running list of fixes in your. your head. I have a few and then I have an ultimate favorite. Okay. Ooh. Um, bo, boo, boo, okay. So she says she won't come, like, but you know, she'll come after the christening is over. But the voice went on calling and getting angrier at every moment. Zafrana. Zafrana. Tentralvary. Seriously. Though strangely enough, no one but Zafrana heard that voice.

Well, as soon as the- You drop that baby right now. You drop that baby on its head immediately and come back. Well, as soon as the christening ceremony was over, Zafranah handed the baby back to its nurse. Goodbye. I must go now. She whispered to her sister and hurried out of the church where she found the cloud drifting restlessly among the tombstones in the churchyard. Ooh.

That's definitely silver chair worthy right there. We're going to have a bit of a silver chair moment. You couldn't drop the baby. I guess, exactly. But like, but in a resentful, I guess you couldn't drop the baby. I guess I get it. But. I still kind of think you should have dropped the baby, though.

Okay. What is she going to do to piss them off? Now, this is what I'm really excited about. You'll see. We'll get there. But also, she definitely will piss them off. I'm still waiting on these apples. It's going to be a minute.

I'm going to settle in. You're telling the story amazingly, by the way. Thank you. Thank you. It's a really fun one. Like, it's fun, it's fun to read. This is super fun. Yeah, I'm glad you're enjoying it.

And I love that. I don't know why I just imagine the protagonist being a man. So I love that it's about like a maiden. Like that's so fun. And her sisters are there and like. Me too. I love girlhood. Girlhood.

That's girlhood. Yeah. Oh my goodness. Okay. So the cloud wraps her up and takes her back to her master's castle. And in the great hall, the old man was sitting in the silver chair. When he saw Zafranah, he didn't smile, but neither did he frown. So you've come back to me, Zafrana, he said.

Yes, dear master, I have come back. I had to call you a great many times, Zafrana. He's being very. Patriotic. Treating her like a child. Yep. Yes, dear master, but go, go, said the old man irritably. I will hear no butts.

Fetch your zither and sing and play to me that hearing your sweet voice, I may forget that I am bexed with you. Ew. Yeah. Dear master, I came as soon as I could. You did not, cried the old man. You did not. If I called you once, I called you a hundred times.

Could she have run into the cloud with the baby? Stolen the baby? I guess she could have stolen the baby. She holds on to it really tight. Do you want to leave? No. Zafrana fetched her zither and played and sang to him, and by and by she had him smiling again.

So her life went on peacefully for several weeks, and then one autumn morning when the leaves were falling from the trees and the birds had ceased to sing, the old man said, give me our hand, Zafranah, and come with me into the garden. I have something to tell you. Hand in hand they went into the garden. Hand in hand they sat down on the bench under the leafless pear tree.

Little one, said the old man gently. I have bad news for you. Your father is very ill. In his troubled dreams, he is calling for you, Zafrana, and I think I must let you go to him. That's how she's going to piss him off. there it is this girl

you're not my real dad you're not my real dad oh my god I should be the title of the episode title idea I love it here's a picture of them under the tree by the way

oh I love it oh she looks real little yeah look she looks very young he's not being he's definitely creepy but not like he's not like

pedophile creepy he's just a creepy old he's just like a weird old man yeah Hmm, maybe he is her real dad. Who wants to be her daddy? What if he is her real dad? Oh, I'm crazy.

Oh, yes, dear master. Indeed, indeed I must go, don't distress yourself, my dear little one, said the old man. You shall go and your father will recover. But the very moment he is able to rise from his bed, you must come back to me, Zafrana. Do you understand that?

Yes, yes, dear master, I understand that. I will come. the old man clenched his right fist he struck his clenched fist into the palm of his left hand I am filled with sorrow he cried I fear you're going to disobey me Zafranah I fear that when you return you will find me sitting in the leaden chair but go now

go quickly why I don't know why the way that you said that kind of made me think of Catherine O'Hara in Schitt's Creek myra like just so dramatic So dramatic. I'm filled with sorrow. Yeah. Absolutely.

And also just like so controlling such an asshole. Mm-hmm. Like you're going to make me, you're going to make me punish you. Ugh. I need to know more. I need to know more. I know. Why?

And who? There's more story. Don't worry. Okay. We're about. Oh, are we even halfway through? I don't even know. We're about halfway through.

And even another question that I keep thinking about is do the laughing apples have teeth? Is it like a mouth? You mean, is it like that like Malaysian fairy tale that we read? I don't know. I just hate, I hate apples shouldn't have teeth. They shouldn't be laughing. I agree with you. It freaks me out.

I can't stop thinking about it. We'll get there. We'll get there. Okay. Okay. Okay. So the cloud comes and take Zafferana home to her father's house. Her father was indeed ill.

He looked a mere wraith of his usual sturdy self. But the sight of Zafarana did him more good than all the doctor's medicines. Day and night, she sat at his bedside and nursed him and sang to him by the songs he loved best. And by and by he was sitting up and by and by and by. And by and by, he was able to rise from his bed and take little walks in his garden, supported by Zafarana's loving arms. Isn't she supposed to leave as soon as you can get out of bed? Yep. Okay.

You are my health, my strength, my joy, my darling little daughter, he said. And now you have come back. You must never leave me again. But scarcely had he spoken these words when Zaferana heard her master's voice calling, Zafranah, Zaferana, Zaferana. Zafrana. Dear father, said Zafrana, I think I must now leave you. What?

Leave me? Yes, dear father, though it breaks my heart, my master is calling. Dad, help. Dad, help. Dad, help. Daddy. Help, Dad. This old man kidnapped me.

Seriously, what good are you? I feel like she's not telling anybody about this. She's very, like, quiet victim where she's just, like, can't say anything to help herself. There doesn't actually appear to be anything preventing her. It just doesn't occur to her. Like, she's just kind of going along with it. Aw.

Sweet summer child. Yeah. She is really trying to people please her way through this kidnapping situation. And has you a master more claim on you than your father? Oh, I don't know, I don't know, answered Zafrana. I only know that I must go. Your master is nothing but a thief, cried her father. A bad, wicked thief.

He stole you away from me. Is he then so young and handsome that you love him more than you do me? He's neither young nor handsome, answered Zafrana. He's an old frail man, but he has been very good to me. Girl. I know. I know. Has he been good to you?

He kidnapped you. He's, I mean, I guess he's not torturing you, but he's keeping you away from your family and he's. Yeah. Like, what is it about like this situation? And you have asked zero questions, apparently. Aw, Zeprana. Like, yeah. She's very frustrating.

I feel like her big sisters really failed her in this situation. Just the women in your life need to help you grow and learn. But in a weird way, like this, her sisters were also kind of randomly carted off by dudes that came by the house. Like it's just, you know, so there's also just a certain amount of like, I don't know. Yeah. this is this is life this is what we do life this is this is this is girlhood in fairy tales well this has an excellent fix obviously multiple obviously there's a few there's a few and we haven't even we're there's more oh my gosh let's do it okay she looked up and saw the cloud slowly descending from

the sky see his messenger has come she cried then his messenger has come she cried then his messenger can wait, said her father. No, rather it must go away. You are not a slave girl to be ordered about by any master. You are my daughter. And until you marry your place is here with me. You know, okay. Okay, dad.

Way to put your foot down, dad. I'm loving this. I like that better than he stole you from me. Yeah. Um, what could Zafurana do? What can Zafurana do is the real question? What's, yeah.

Of the whole, of the whole story so far. What can she do? She has zero, she has taken zero agency. Mm-hmm. She's not even bluebeards wifing it, where she runs through the castle and opens all the drawers and shit and tries to figure out what's going on. Yeah. Okay.

She lingered on, but with dread in her heart. And then one night when her father slept, she stooped and kissed his forehead. I do think it's funny that Zephrana's like, now two men are telling me, to do. But she does end up following the wizards. The wizard and not her dad. And also, like, I find it's so confusing. Like, what is compelling you to go back?

Like, there doesn't seem to be any kind of spell on you. Yeah. Well, he did say he would, like, have to force you. Did it? Yeah, he said he would, like, otherwise I'm going to have to come down and, like, grab you with my cloud again. I think I said that, but I don't think it was in this story. Maybe it's just fear.

I mean, this is obviously an abuser and she's, like, just really scared of him that she's, like, even leaving her dad. That's true. You know, I guess, like, it's, you know, the psychology of what's going on with her is must be very confusing. I know. I wish that's another fix for the story is I just want more of, like, what she's thinking or what she's feeling. Mm-hmm. right like what's what's what she's going through and what's compelling her to kind of keep going back it's very um like kind of kind of classic like kidnapping and cult behavior kind of yeah

call your dad you're in a cult call your dad you're in a cult and she's like her dad is like upset about this too absolutely He's like this guy doesn't own you What's going on? Also, I was going to try to sell you off to the king of Spain And you really You really fucked up my plans I really fucked up my plans

I still have this whole oil portrait I've been carrying around Does this wizard have any money? He's got unseen magic servants, I don't know He's got magic clouds He's got magic clouds And maybe a garden.

He's got a garden. Filled with all sorts of fruits and vegetables, maybe. Where are these apples? Why is the story called the laughing apples? We're only halfway through. Okay. We're only halfway through. Tell me, tell me.

Remember your own prediction. I'm so excited. Oh my God, is she going to turn into a laughing apple? She's like, she's like, What's going on? And it's like, it's a metaphor. She is the apple of her father's eye. Oh, my God.

Okay. Okay. Please keep telling me the story. I love it. I'm glad you're having a good time. I'm loving telling it. Okay. So the cloud swoops around her, takes her back to the old man's castle.

And she finds him in the great hall sitting in his leaden chair and frowning. Dun, done, done. He spoke no word to her, either good or bad, nor by and by when they sat together at supper, did he say anything at all? The silent treatment is like the worst. It is. Oh, that's bad.

It is. Zaffirana knows that's bad. She's very frightened. She tried to give him news of her father, but she might have been talking to a log. When they had eaten their supper, she dared not rise from the table. And so they sat in silence until midnight. And then the old man got up and snarled, go to bed. Whoa.

Daddy's angry. Daddy's angry. He's not mad. He's just disappointed in you. He's just disappointed. Good night, master. Zafrana said timidly. But getting no answer, she went to her bed and fell into a troubled sleep.

And it seemed to her that she had, only slept a few minutes when she heard her master's voice calling, Zafrana, get up, open the window, and see what the weather is like. No, obediently, she rose, opened the window, and looked out. Dear master, she said, the sky is overcast and I think it's going to rain. Good, called the old man, lie down and sleep again. So Zafrana gets back in bed, she slept, and again she woke to hear the old man calling. Zafrata, open the window and see what the weather is like.

Look out the window yourself, bitch. No. No, it's more torture. This is sleep deprivation. And she's, you know, people pleasing her way through it. So she goes up and she looks out the window again. And this time she says, Master, it's raining heavily.

I see a flash of lightning. And hark, here comes the thunder. Good, called the old man. Lie down and sleep once more. So she shuts the window, she gets back in bed, falls back asleep. And once again, she wakes to hear the old man calling, Zafarana, get up, look out the window and see what the weather is doing. She gets up, goes to the window, it's rattling. That storm is crazy out there.

When she opens it, the window just blows back against her hand. She looks out and she cries, oh, master, the scouts. is black. The rain pours down in torrents, the lightning flashes, the thunderbooms. Never in all my life has I seen such a storm as this storm. Good, said the old man. Now dress yourself and go. You shall not stay here a moment longer. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. This asshole. This. cranky old wizard this cranky old wizard now that i got one i'm mad at him i know i'm sorry no it's okay it's fine master cried zafferana you cannot mean it so long and so faithfully i have served you you cannot turn me out into such a night into such a storm

now finally she has some agency there you go finally has some agency but it's a little it's a little too little too late, which is just a reminder for all of us, your boss doesn't give a shit about you. Nope. No. Do not serve them long and faithfully. You will be turfed out into a storm if they feel like it. You have to fuck shit up early. Fuck it up early.

Hold your boundaries. No one can control you. No one can control you. Not even some cranky old wizard is close. Louds. Hell no. But he can't control Zafrana. He says, go, go ungrateful girl. Go back to your father, who means more to you than I do. I will never look on your face again. Unless he added after a pause. You can find and bring me the laughing apples. But that you will never do. Never, never, never. Oh. Goodbye then, dear master.

And may heaven bless you, whispered Zafrana. I know, I know. Fuck you. Fuck you. I'm out of here. Fuck you, dude. Yeah. And she dressed and went out into the storm.

I hate Zafrana. I know. Grow was fine. This is a low moment for her. Just be like, fine, I will go onto that storm. I don't care about you. I will go back to my dad. You too.

I do care about my dad more than I care about you. Yes, why? Anyway. Okay. Part three out in the storm. Zafarana looked for the white cloud, but no white cloud did she see only the rain falling and the flashes of lightning. She called to the cloud, but the cloud did not come in her very voice.

voice was drowned with the loud tumult of the thunder. Bowing her head against the storm, she set off to walk home. But how was she supposed to find her way home? She only knew that her father's house lay somewhere to the west. And so unhappy and dizzy did she feel that she could no longer tell west from east or north from south. She could make no headway against the wind. And so she went the way the wind took her.

and that was not in the direction of home. All night she walked. With the dawn, the wind dropped, but it was still raining heavily. And seeing a peasant's hut by the roadside, she decided to ask for shelter, and she knocked at the door. Oh, my God.

Is there going to be an old witch as well as an old cranky wizard? Now you're asking for too much. It's a peasant. Sorry, I got greedy. I got greedy. Don't get greedy. Don't get greedy. That's my figs.

No story can be everything. What do you want? Said the peasant. Just a shelter from the rain, faltered Zaffirana. Just to sit down for a little while and rest. Well, you can come in, I suppose. Grunted the peasant. It's rainy.

Let her in. God damn. Yeah, damn. But a beautiful lady like you shouldn't be out at all in this. weather in this weather. It's not fitting. No, Zafferana said. It isn't. Yeah, you're right. I know. But she faltered, she swayed, she was just about to faint when the peasant took her roughly

by the arm, ran her into the hut, and dumped her down before his kitchen fire. Wife, he shouted, we've got a visitor. I don't know, he's growing on me actually. I know, I think he's kind of funny. He's like, oh, bough, fine. What are you doing out there? Fine, come in. Wife, you shouldn't be out in this, you know?

Oh, my goodness. I really do feel like Zaffirana needs a strong female mentor in her life. she does. I'm going to, we're going to get to a particular paragraph after which I'm going to pause and tell you what I would rename this story. Ooh, okay. Because yeah, she's, she's got inner, she's got shadow work to do on like herself. Yeah, she does.

It's clear. So, at his shout, a young woman came clattering into the kitchen. She gave one glance at Zafrana and said, here, leave her to be. me. And there she was stripping off Zafrana's dripping clothes, bundling a blanket around her, pegging up the wet clothes on a line, and exclaiming all the while silks and satin, what

lovely things. Zafrana was thinking of her old master's words. I will never look upon your face again unless you can find and bring me the laughing apples. Is she seriously going to try

to go back to him? Oh, my God. She was also thinking of her father. She felt she could not return to him in disgrace, knowing well how enraged he would be, not with her, but with her good old master. Were it not perhaps better rather than return home to seek for those laughing apples? If she could find them and bring them to her master, he would forgive her and there would be no ill feeling on her father's part against him. What?

This story should be called centering men, the fairy tale. Another title idea because absolutely. Like the way this girl does not think about her own wants, needs, thoughts, dreams, desires, fears, shit that pisses her off. Like nothing about yourself. Yeah. And you're also worried about your kidnapper. Your two daddies.

Worried about are your dad's getting along? And that's the only thought that you have in your brain is you don't want your dad to be mad at your kidnapper. I want to slap her so hard. So hard. And she's like, oh man, I'm never going to see my kidnapper again. I better go do this impossible task he set me. Oh my gosh.

But she's going to. Yeah. It's what the story is called the laughing apples. Okay. How great would it be if the laughing apples were the ones that were like, girl. Girl, no. And that's why they're laughing.

It's like she tells them her story. And they're like. And you came all this way? Oh my gosh. That would be funny. Okay. Potential fix. Potential fix.

Or a part of the overall fix. Okay. Yes, it would be best to seek for those apples. But then she thought of the dangers that she, a girl, might meet from rough men and on the road. And she had another idea. And she said to the peasant's wife, as you admire my clothes,

I will give them to you. If in return, you will let me have an old suit of your husbands. We're about of a size, and it would be safer for me in my journeying. Bless us, cried the peasant's wife. You can't mean it. Indeed, I do mean it, said Zafferana. Carlo!

shouted the peasant's wife. Bring your Sunday suit. No, no, said Zafrana, not a Sunday suit, just an old work-a-day one. Amazing. Kylo! Wife! Cute. The young ladies mad, thought the peasant's wife, but she quickly fetched some

patched and well-worn garments belonging to her husband and helped Zafrana to put them on. Then she took a pair of scissors and ruthlessly cut short Zafranna's long golden hair and having done all that, she sat back and regarded her handiwork with smiling satisfaction. You make a handsome lad, she said. And as for me, oh, ho, won't I cause folks' eyes to goggle when I march to church next Sunday and all your fineries. For march to church and them, I will. I love her so much. She's so cute.

She's like, yes! I'm going to have the nicest clothes! I'm going to look so fucking good. Yeah. Zafrana now felt it was high time she went on her way. But what way was it? She asked the peasant Carlo if he could direct her to the place with the laughing apples grew. The peasant had never heard of such things.

He thought they couldn't exist. But he was now as convinced as his wife that their guest was mad and he was anxious to get rid of her. Get her out of my house. Get her out of here. So we took her to the door, pointed to the road running south and said, you just keep walking straight ahead, my lady, and you're bound to come across those apples sooner or later. I also really love how nice the wife was like,

you make a fine lad. Like, she's very supportive. I mean, she's also very excited for the trade. She's stoked about these clothes. But she's like, you know what? You look great. You look great. You're pretty handsome lad.

Yeah, very supportive. You'll do fine. What an ally. Well, as for him, he just takes him outside. points any direction and says like just keep walking that way and you'll get it. You'll find them. Sure. Yeah. You know, that would be a really funny short series or like small series is like hijinks that this couple has of like people coming from the Wizards Palace just showing up at their house. I would love it if they're at some kind of like crossroads, like between neighboring kingdoms or something.

And like wayward princes and sorcerers and stuff just like find themselves in their hut all the time. That could be a book in our supernatural hijinks. 100% stories is like the diary of the couple that lives outside the Wizards Tower. The diary of Carlo and Giata. Ooh, I love it. They're like, here's some weird shit we've discovered. It's an odd thing living outside a wizard's tower. That's perfect.

Got it. You've got it. The creativity is inside you. You've just been tired because you work. So cute. Oh, here's the picture, by the way, of Carlo pointing our heroine any old way. She does look. She does make a handsome lad.

She's a handsome lad. That's so cute. Yeah. I love it. Aw. She too. Man, she's gaining. I feel like she's gaining, she could gain.

There's so much potential for her to. gain personality in this story. 100%. Maybe she just needed, she just needed to be away from the men. Mm-hmm. You'll, you'll see my, this is part of my fix. Or she becomes one of the men. Nah?

Yeah, absolutely. She has like a little trans journey in addition to an overland adventure. Me too. Okay. Okay. Zafrana thanked him and set out and the peasant went back into his kitchen and said to his wife, I think were well rid of her wife. Maybe, answered the wife.

But oh, what a beautiful lady. Oh, girlhood. Girlhood. All I ship. I don't know, whatever I love her. Ally. Sisterhood. Exactly.

Part four, the wheel at the world's end. Ooh. I know. It's cool. Pirates, pirates. I don't know why. That sounds like pirity. At world's end.

in the wheel. Like a pirate ship wheel. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I was thinking more like a water wheel. I don't think it's called a wheel. But it's not. It's fine.

Go on. The thing that steers the boat. What is that calm? I don't know. It might be called a wheel. Sure. This I'm pretty sure is more of a water wheel. Okay.

Zafrana walked on her way. The day was still early and she met but few people. Only just now and then. laborer going to work in the fields. Of those she did meet, she asked if they could tell her where to find the laughing apples, but they either shrugged their shoulders and passed on thinking she was making some game

of them, or thinking she was crazy, smiled and nodded, and told her that the apples were not far off and she only had to follow her nose. That's really funny. So on, she went and on. She was feeling that she could go very little further.

and that in the end she must just lie down under a hedge and die. When she saw, I know she's very dramatic. But also this girl's been raised either in a wealthy merchant's house or in a castle. Like, Just go to your dad. He's not going to be mad. He'll just be happy to see you, girl. Or go to your sisters.

Go to your sisters. Oh, my God. your godmother to the heir to the throne of Portugal. Maybe you should just go chill there. Like I said, all applesauce up there. Not a thought in that head. Nope. Instead, she's going to go find these fucking apples for a jackass old man who kicked her out in the middle of a storm.

I mean, I would totally get it if she were like trying to do it to like get back. some handsome lad or princess or whatever. Some romantic. But this is just a random ass old wizard that's been controlling. And she's, she is like the exact, what is it called, Stockholm syndrome. Mm-hmm. Which isn't really a real thing. And I won't get into it now.

But it's like. But, you know, but like colloquially, yeah. Like she's, she has overly identified with her. kidnapper. She's in a cult. Yeah. Yeah. And she needs to get some self-esteem.

Yeah. Anyway, she's kind of contemplating, just lying down under a hedge and just calling it. I think that's best. Yeah. But she sees a white horse

standing by the roadside, cropping grass. The horse, was saddled and bridled, lifted his head, gave a joyous witty, and sprang into the road in front of her. Zafrana, Zafrana, cried the horse. I have been expecting you. I love this. I know. It's great. The wonderful horse.

The wonderful horse. Oh, said Zafrana, I never knew horses could speak. They can't as a rule, said the horse. But it just so happens I can. And it just so happens also that I know you are seeking the laughing apples and that I know where to find them. So up with you on my back, Zafranah, and we will journey on together. Oh, she's having a fever dream. She is dying.

She did die under that edge. Oh, no. RIP. RIP Zafrana. Everything from here on out is just her dying brain giving her hallucinations. For real. Oh, that's fucked. So Zephrana scrambled onto the...

That's actually so funny. That might be a fix for this story. Now she's just hallucinating. She's just hallucinating now. So Zafrana scrambled onto the horse's back. And like, oh, my God. And the images you're about to, we're about to hear about are so fucking trippy that now I think I'm, that might have replaced my fix. right.

Okay. She gets on the horse. He sets off at a steady trot down the road, and he was turning his head and talking to her over his shoulder. By and by, he said, we shall come to the end of the world and to the borders of the other world. The laughing apples grow in a garden in the other world, and between the two worlds stands the great wheel.

The wheel turns, turns, turns. it's been turning since the beginning of time and will turn until the end of time. When the rim of the wheel touches the ground of this world, I must jump onto it. When the rim of the wheel and it's turning all but touches the earth of the other world, I must jump off of it and you must sit tight in the saddle, Zaffirana. You will not be afraid? No, dear horse, I will not be afraid. So the horse trotted on and on along the high road and came at last to the world's end.

and there was the great wheel slowly turning. The wheel was so huge that as it turned the top of it kept disappearing into the clouds, whilst at the bottom it was all but scraping the ground. Ooh, cool. It's just a giant fucking mill wheel in the middle of the road. Yeah. But she's fine. Yeah, she just wants to make sure her master's okay and not mad at her.

I just don't want anybody to be mad at me. Don't be mad. Hold fast, cried the white horse, and he sprang on to that part of the wheel's broad rim that near the ground. And now up they went higher, higher, until glancing behind her, Zafrana could see the whole wide world from horizon to horizon with its seas and rivers, cities, villages, fields, moors and forests spread out like a map. You're not afraid. You're not afraid. Yeah.

Not caring so much with these two men. think and that there's a whole wide world out there for you, SEPRA. And you have a magic horse now. Yeah. Get the laughing apples and keep them for yourself. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. That's what I think she should do. That's kind of my, that was my original fix for this story.

Keep them for yourself, although that sounds creepy, so I don't know. You'll see what actually happens. Eat them. Feed them to the horse. Okay, sorry. You'll see what happens. Shut up. We're getting there.

Don't shut up. Keep talking. You're not afraid, Zafrana, said the horse. No, dear horse, I'm not afraid. I am lost in wonder. But now they were up among the clouds, and Zafrana could see nothing. And now they were coming down out of the clouds,

and Zafrana could see the wide landscape of the other world, with its glittering domes of silver and gold, and its brilliant green meadows and its clusters of white towns and villages, and gardens gay with flowers of every color. Hell yeah. Just stay there. Just stay. Find a new life.

You got to, okay, sorry. No, no, please keep talking. That was a joking, shut up. No, I totally get it. Okay. If the people were but friendly to us, mortals, what a world to live in, said the white horse. But they'd look upon us as we look upon us. upon earthworms and no wonder.

Hold tight, Zafrano. Hold tight. I'm going to jump. I love this horse. Me too. This horse is awesome. It's my favorite character besides the wife and Carlo. Giat.

Giata. Yeah, her name is Giaata. We've decided. I think that's a person name and not like a brand of something. You know what? It's beautiful either way. It doesn't matter. Giana is.

I like it. Zafrana clung to the horse's mane That part of the wheel's rim On which the horse stood near the ground The horse leapt off of it And there they were in the other world And Zafrana slid down from the horse's back The breezes blew softly

The sun The sun shone brightly The birds sang merrily It was indeed a beautiful world Zafrana would have liked to linger and look about her But the horse was impatient They look upon them like earthworms is such a great description of like being in an alien world. Mm-hmm.

Absolutely. And like what and then also like what the fairy creatures who inhabit the other world think about ours. So cool. Yeah. It's fantastic. It's, yeah, I love it. It's very beautifully written. It is.

And also I just love the, I love like a. journey to the end of the world in fairy tales. Like, I think that's so fun. Really cool world building. Yeah. You see the garden yonder, he said. The garden over there to the left of you with the hedge of flowering bushes and a golden gleaming gate. In that garden grows the tree of the laughing apples.

Run now, Zafrana. Push open the gate. It is not locked. And pick three apples. You can't mistake the tree on which they grow, for you will hear the apples laughing. But you must hurry back. I know. I hate it.

You must hurry back for the apples will cry out when they are picked, and the gardener who is sleeping under the hedge will wake and rouse the people. If we are caught, our lives will be forfeit. For how should the people of this fair world have mercy on such as we are? I just want to say, I like to save earthworms. That's true. I just feel so bad when it's like raining and they're like on the sidewalk, and it's like, oh, the grass is over here.

Like pick him up and put him near the dirt. Yeah. So you're like one human out of billions who would earthworm need not fear an encounter with. Probably accidentally killing it in like trying to help it. Like I'm accidentally crushing it with my fingers trying to pick it up. Yep. Because I'm a big, dumb giant.

Big, dumb. Nice. Sweet, well-intentioned giant. Oh, little guy. Let me help you. Poor little guy. Squish. Look, I helped.

I saved it. I tried. Anyway, I love it. This is so, this is creepy. I like it. It is. It's weird that the laughing apples part is actually the least creepy thing in this world. I know.

It's kind of weird, right? So far. The gardener is going to like wake up. I imagine it looking really creepy and being really big. Zafrana ran. She pushed open the gate of the garden. She heard the laughing of the apples. That's so funny.

I don't like it. She hurried to the tree. She caught hold of one of the lower branches, pulled it down, plucked three of the round rosy apples, and thrusting them into her pocket, ran out of the garden again. But the apples were laughing. We're stolen. We're stolen. And the garden gate screamed, a thief, a thief!

And the gardener woke and shouted, and the people of the other world came running out of their houses. Thieves, thieves, thieves! The air echoed with their cries. But the white horse came galloping. He snatched up Zafrana by the belt of her tunic, swung her onto his back, and away with him to the great week. leaping onto it. So what's so funny?

I don't know what I was laughing. What's funny is that Sephora came all this way at all. That's hysterical. I still want to add to as part of my fix. A little scene where she interacts with the apples and they laugh at her for doing any of this. You came all the way for us for that. For that? I like the idea of they're laughing in a mean way.

Girl. They're like the laughing at you apples. Yes. Amazing. The laughing at you apples is great. So now the wheel begins to turn the other way. Round it went and round, turning and turning. Zafrana clung to the horse.

And with her back to the other world, she saw the familiar landscape of this world spread out below her. Then she heard the horse cry, hold tight Zafrana. I'm going to jump. And jump he did and landed safe and sound on the grass in a meadow. Now, said the horse, we can go home. Home? said Zafrana.

To your master's castle, said the white horse. Do not think this is home, said Zafrana. Okay, I love that for her. Me too. Oh, how tired she was. She thought of her old master's scowling face. She remembered how he had driven her out into the storm. he had said he had said he would forgive her if she brought him the laughing apples.

Yes. But could she forgive him? Okay. Well, she would give him the apples anyway. And then perhaps she would go back to her father. Yes, that was her home, her father's house. All right. She is having a little bit of a character arc, but...

Just a little bit. Like, she's thinking for half a second. that maybe she's, it's okay if she's mad at him. Good for her. You know what? It's small, but I'm happy for her. It's small. Like, you know, she's, she's doing, she's growth comes in small increments.

Mm-hmm. Which is, hey, that wasn't cool. Can I forgive him? Him? I guess I'll bring in the apples anyway. I already got them. What the hell? I don't anybody to be mad of me.

What the hell? Dear father, she whispered, her head sank down against the horse's mane, and she fell asleep. The white horse was galloping, galloping. On his back, Zafrana was sleeping. In Zafranah's pocket, the apples were singing. This was their song.

Magic here, magic there, on the ground, in the air. mortals with their earthly sight See not everything or right But who eats of us shall learn Truth from falsehood to discern When Zafran awoke Where was she? She was in her old Master's castle in the big room with the three chairs

The gold, the silver, and the lead. Her master was sitting in the gold chair So that's good He was Who cares? I'll man, it would have been better if she had been

woken up in the gold chair or in the whatever chair. The lead chair? Because she can glare at him. I guess it could end like for Zafrana's character, I imagine it would end like

in the gold chair and she's like, I forgive you. Ooh, that's kind of fun. And now I'm your daddy. And now I'm your daddy. I'm your daddy now. Oh my goodness. Okay.

So he's saying, sitting in the gold chair. He was not frowning, but neither was he smiling. And oh, how old and frail he looked. So you have brought me the apples, Zafrana, he said. Yes, I have brought you the apples. And she took the apples from her pocket and held them out to him. They were not singing now. They were whispering something that sounded like, happy, happy, happy. But Zafrana didn't feel happy. What? What the fuck is going on with these apples?

I don't know. They're high. They're judgmental as fuck. They're like, this bitch. She's never going to be happy. She's never going to be happy. Ever. Because she refuses to set boundaries and so she's just going to be miserable.

But Sifrana didn't feel happy. She felt resentful and inclined to cry, which she's never been more relatable to me. Oh, that's such a people pleaser thing to just be like, you're so mad and resentful, but you can't, like, just be mad and angry, so you cry. Right. So you're like, exactly. So you're going to frustration cry about it instead of. Poor baby.

Poor baby. I will only take one apple, said the old man. The second you will give to the white horse whom you will find waiting in the courtyard. And the third, you will eat yourself. Okay. Hell yeah for offering one to the horse. Yeah, the horse totally gets one. Fuck yeah.

I think that's cool. And yeah, hell yeah, of course she gets one. She should get all of them. Fuck you guys. I'm glad that she at least gets paid for her hard work. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I'm not hungry, said Zafrana.

Oh, shit. That was a great line. Sorry, I'm going to shut out. Fuck you. Nevertheless, you will eat one apple, said the old man, so angrily that Zafrana felt frightened. She turned from him and hurried out into the courtyard. Now he's pissed. Oh, you'll eat a fucking apple.

And we won't be cool until you eat one. She turned from him and hurried out into the courtyard. There was the white horse patiently waiting. Zafrana held out an apple on the flat of her hand. My master said, you are to eat this, she said. Whilst I eat, you must eat, said the white horse. I'm not hungry, said Zafrana again. But the apple will give you a wish, said the white horse.

So Zafrana shut her eyes and bit into the third apple. And what do you think she wished for, Kelsey? Do keep in mind, this is centering men, the fairy tale. I think she wished for the apple to stop screaming while she hit it. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, wow, the pain. Oh, God. amazing.

No, I think she wishes for everybody to not be mad at her and probably to go home to her dad, probably. Yeah, she wishes that she was with her dear father. Zafrana, Zafrana, that was her father's voice calling, and the voice came from within the castle. Zafrana flung down the remainder of the apple and ran back into the room with the three chairs, though now I'm just imagining that apple was just screaming. Like it's just got a giant hole in its side.

Oh, God, the pain. The pain! What did the horse wish for? You'll see. Good. So she flings down the screaming apple, runs back into the room with the three chairs. An old king wearing a gold crown was sitting in the golden chair. A tall, handsome prince was standing at his side.

But Zafrana gave them skin. scarcely a glance for hastening to meet her and holding out his arms was your father. Look, daughter, I found you a prince with your oil portrait. I brought the crown prince of Spain back with me. Father, dear father, promise me that she'll never leave you again. Baby, you didn't have to leave any of those times. I don't think maybe he would have kidnapped her again. I don't know.

But there was Afrana safe at her father's arms. No need for promises, said the old king. Everything is now happily arranged thanks to you, my heroic little Zafranna. You think I have treated you badly, but you must forgive me. There was no other way out of our troubles. I am the king of all this country and this lad here is my son. Amazing. But a wizard whom I offended put a spell upon us both,

turning me into the crotchety old fellow you served so faithfully and my son into the white horse. What? I know. Wait. So wait, who's she going to marry? The horse or the... Well, the horse is a handsome prince now.

Yeah. The son. Yeah. Okay. Who's the son of the old kid. Okay, okay. I got to check. Who was under a curse to be a crotchety old man?

And his wish from the apple was to not be a crotchety old man anymore, but he's still an old king. I don't know. You know what? I don't know. Like, did the curse change your personality into being a bastard? Yes. I guess so. I guess so.

I guess so. Thou shalt be a jackass. Anyway, now you have broken the spell. If you can find it in your heart to fancy him, you shall marry my son. And we can all four live together happily in my castle. What do you say? Yay, it's a happy interview, everyone. Oh, gosh.

Zafranah glanced shyly. at the prince. Yes, indeed, she could fancy him. It shall be as my master wills, she said demurely. Oh, no.

I know. My fix for that line in particular is that it was never written anywhere in the history of humanity. Yeah. No. Nope. Demiorely. So demure.

She said demure. She's so demure. the old king laughed Zafferana's father shouted hurrah! The prince took Zafferana's hand. He raised her hand to his lips. He kissed it. Dear Zafrana, he said,

As you're a horse, I have served you. As your husband, I will love and protect you. Uh-huh. You've already ridden this horse. You've already ridden me. Oh, my God, amazing. Road me good. That's so funny.

Sorry, as your, when you're, Do you say after that? No, I know, it's a super funny line. Then he says, as you're a husband, I will love and protect you. No, well, that's nice. And tomorrow shall be our wedding day. The old king laughed again. You're in a hurry, my son, he said.

But not in too much of a hurry, I hope, said the prince to Zafferana. No, not in too much of a hurry, answered Zafrana. The end. Why not in too much of a hurry? because like the prince is saying like is that too soon for us to get married and she's like nope I'm good yeah wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow what a ride right that's the laughing apples we finally did it amazing um yes so many fixes but also overall overall I like the bones of the story a lot.

There's a lot of great world building. I feel like you could make this like into a full on novel. Absolutely. Like there's a lot of meat to the story here, especially if you incorporate our fixes, which is like, like, so for me, like, I think my ultimate, like, there's so many places where I want the story to be different.

But I think the mostly, I want it to, like, my ultimate fix is that it plays out more or less the same way. But like on her journey to the end the world, Zafferana really does some internal thinking about her relationship to herself and the men in her life. Yes. And thinks about what she wants and who she is and what she would like. I mean, there's, I mean, just the fact that when she gets back to the, to this world,

she's like, could I forgive him? That's such a good turning point. And it could have been stronger. It could have continued throughout the rest of the story. Well, I think where it could be stronger is because, like, she has that question when the horse asks her, you know, when the horse says, okay, let's go home. And she's like, what do you mean? It's like your master's house. And she's like, I don't know. I don't like, I'm kind of mad at him, actually. And then so my fix from there is that like, so the story is pretty much the same up until that point. And then at that point, she decides to go see her fucking sisters and each sister gets an apple. Ooh, that's a great fix. And so the three sisters each get a wish. Mm-hmm.

Ooh, I love that. Me too. And so that's probably my ultimate fix for the story. Others include she finds the wizard that cursed the, instead of going to her sister, she goes and she finds the wizard that cursed the king and the prince and becomes a wizard's apprentice. Fuck, yeah.

Like brings him the apples. Like that's a possibility. That could be fun too. I feel like the old man, her master, should have been a wizard and the horse just should have been a prince. I don't think it should have been like his dad or whatever. Yep. Agreed. I also, I mean, as soon as I said the word novel, I really think it could have been a cool opportunity when they were in the other world to like have a battle where the horse and her like have more of a story together to tell and like they have to fight off the like. crazy other world people.

Maybe like a fight, like an actual fight with the gardener. Yeah, exactly. Make that whole ordeal and that trip longer. I mean, if you were making it a novel, if you were making it like a full-length story,

I'm like, maybe. Inspired by. Yeah, I love the idea of her going back to her sisters instead, and she gives them the apple. And even they could like be, like,

and that like her sisters wish for her to have some agency and she wishes for like because they have what else like what could they wish for like they're fucking queens with their lovely family so maybe they wish something good for their sister and each thing kind of makes it happen

like the prince and the oh I like that I like that too you know what I mean she's no longer bound to her master or whatever ooh I like that that'd be kind of cool. That'd be kind of cool. I like that.

I do like that the horse gets an apple. Maybe she doesn't even an apple. Well, no, she has to have an apple. Three apples for three sisters. But I like that the horse gets an apple. You too. He did a lot of work. He just showed up and he's like, I'm here.

I'm here. I really don't want to be cursed. Ooh, instead of him turning back into a prince via apple, he gets his head chopped off. There you go. You goose girl it Goose girl. Goose girl.

Or you John and his brothers. That was the story where chopping the horse's heads off turned them back into a ban. Yep. There's so many. I still think saying goose girl is really funny. Goose girled. Very fun. I love that.

That was really like. Wasn't that fantastic? What a ride. What a journey. Speaking of Totally a couple points for Kelsey racked up in there Yeah definitely that the laughing apples

were hardly in it Yep Protagonist goes on a great journey I don't know Did I hate the laughing apples bit I mean I hate when you were talking About how they were laughing But

I didn't hate it as much as I thought I went Oh only only you can know That's true huh No I didn't hate it in the way I thought it was going to hate it. Yeah. They did not go. It's not like the one, the Malaysian fairy tale that we read where they graphically describe, like, the flowers with their teeth.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't like, I don't know flowers talking. Just freaks me out. I didn't love that they were laughing, but it wasn't like, I didn't hate that part. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Yeah. I mean, I do think there's something creepy about like the apples are just generally laughing.

Like, she can hear them laughing from outside of the orchard. What are you laughing at? What are they laughing at? They're laughing at you. The laughing at you apples, yeah. They really are. And then they were singing. I also would add that they started screaming when you eat them.

It's so funny. I love that as a detail. Yes, the laughter changes just screaming. Sent fruit and vegetables. Just, why is there so much of it? There's, there's, it's, it's not like a lot, but it's enough. It happens often. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Roses. It's a lot of flowers. Anyway. Awesome. That was great. What a great story.

Thank you, and thank you for spending like a whole hour and a half reading it. Yeah. You're welcome. That was a long one. I think we... Oh, sorry, go on. Oh, I just think, you know, it's... We've been putting off doing the long ones.

Yeah. Because they do take it so much out of, like, the speaker to talk for an hour and a half. Yep. Yeah, how are you doing? You did so well. You didn't really even, like, seemed to need that much of a break. Yeah, thank you. I actually...

So here's a thing. I prepared. I drank plenty of water this morning. I made sure that, like, I ate... I ate a sufficiently substantial meal before. Yeah, what kind of pasta did you make? I made like a lemon pasta. Like it was a creamy lemon pasta with like oven roasted zucchini and grilled chicken.

What kind of pasta? Like I'm talking. It's just spaghetti. Just like spaghetti noodles. Hell yeah, that sounds so good. Yeah. Well, great job. I think that's enough.

I don't think we need another. story. I think you can just be a solo episode. Yep, this episode is plenty. I think when we do the long ones, we don't need a second story. That story had it all. What else could you want? What else do you want? What could you possibly want? Thank you so much for listening to Fairy Tale Fix. We hope you enjoyed today's episode. If you would, I mean, God, it was, it was a fun story. That was great. If you also enjoyed it, please go ahead and leave us a review on this episode or of the show generally, wherever you listen to this podcast. Today's word or phrase is you have to tell us what you think the apples were laughing at.

Yes. Amazing. I'm really curious. You can also tell us what you think the apples were laughing at at our Instagram, Fairy Tale Fix Pod. Yes. You can email us at Info at Fairy Tale Fix Pod. And if you like the show enough to support us financially to help us run the thing,

you can go sign. Maybe even get a custom envelope. Do you want Kelsey to custom make you an envelope? Because she will. And all you got to do is go to Fairytale Fix. Go to Patreon.com forward slash Fairytail FixPod. And you can sign up. and you'll get a custom made a little gluey envelope that Kelsey made herself.

She's not beautiful, but she's going to have loads of personality. Yeah. Form over function. Fun over form. Never mind. I've been talking for a long time. That is, that's pretty much it. We love you. Thank you for supporting us. Thanks for listening. And enjoy the rest of your day. And so Zafrana gained some agency and got some, like eventually got some opinions and decided to keep the apples for herself and give them to her sisters. Yes. And all of her and her sisters lived.

Happily ever after. The end.