Fairy Tale Fix - 123: Swordscaliber!

Episode Date: April 28, 2026

Jack the Giant Killer Romance! Bloodlust! Two Headed Giants! Three Headed Giants! Demons! Cool names! Kelsey tells the Cornish legend of Jack the Giant Killer this episode, and it is everything. And yet, it still needed the Fixtresses help to add Feminism/Lesbians/More Epicness/One crucial renaming. Good thing for all of you we were here. Make sure to rate, review, and subscribe. You can find us on Instagram @fairytalefixpod, and chat with us on our Discord channel! Join our Patreon at patreon.com/fairytalefixpod and visit us at fairytalefixpod.com. Fairy Tale Fix Podcast is a Fantastic Worlds Production. Fairy Tale Fix is performed and produced by: Abbie Lammel (@bonanzafamine)Kelsey Horne (@monsieurcheval)With tremendous thanks to our good friend, Dustin Alexander In partnership with our Patreon producers: Angel EspinozaGisselle M. InganCynthia LammelWilliam JohnsonElizabeth MasoudDami SchlobohmCaroline DonhamMelissa BuronRabia SadiqTamra DerryLinda Kay PardonnetDana DomkoCait Williams Books and other media mentioned in this episode: Check out all the books from the show here!A Book of Giants Fairy Tale Fix Podcast is a Fantastic Worlds Production.

for topics to talk about. I'm like, what are we going to talk about up top? Like, I haven't been doing a million things. I have a million things to say to you. When I see you hit the record button, I'm like, wait, what do I, what do I do with my hands? But it's my own. I know. I feel the exact same.

I feel the exact same way. Sometimes it takes me a while to remember because, like, I will think about this during the week and be like, oh, that's really, that'll be fun to talk to Kelsey about when we record. And I try not to like text it to you so that we so that I save it for. Except I text you literally like all of my thoughts throughout the day all the time. So it's really difficult to do because you most of the time I'm like, ah, fuck it. I want to talk to her about this right now. Right.

I'm just like, oh, I got to tell Abby. I'm like, oh, I really like this song they played on the show just now. I'm like, I got to tell Abby about this. That is a fucking fire song. Bougy natives. snotty nose res kids. I've been rewatching Resident Alien and I fucking love the show.

The like indigenous representation is so good. Like they actually hired Native writers and actors and musicians. I love that. You talk about shows for so long. We always can.

I love T. But I really want to tell everyone about my bathroom real fast because I'm very proud. Fast forward through the rest of our media talk and tell everybody about the pride that you take in your home, Kelsey. Thank you. I need to memorialize this for myself, if anything. I took the wallpaper off my bathroom. Huge thanks to my mom and my, what is it, unemployment adventure. Adventures in unemployment.

That was one of the projects I really wanted to get done because we had this horrible wallpaper in my bathroom that was like peeling. I think it had been there from the 90s. It was peeling off on the top. The seams were really obvious. It was gross looking. I was worried that there was mold behind it.

Spoiler were alert. There wasn't. So that's good. That's so awesome. I'm so glad for you because that would have sucked. It's been an ordeal. So after this episode, I'm going to go sand and spackle the room for the second time and sand it again tomorrow and then maybe paint it. What would you paint it?

I'm going to paint it like blue. Blue is good. Yeah, like a boring, neutral color. I don't. I like blue. Blue was a light blue color. Yeah. Yeah.

Before the wallpaper was like white. that looked like paint streaks kind of, like texturey paint streaks. It wasn't like bad wallpaper, but it was a bad... No, it was great wallpaper. Application. Yeah, and just in rough shape. Yep. Oh, really bad.

But at the very least, it wasn't like the... It was not nearly as like tacky as it could have been. It's so funny. I'm just so proud because it's... been on my mind a lot this week. Like, I'm, I don't know why. I like having a finished project. I don't like having something that like, I hate having to paint and then wait a day

for it to dry and then you like do another layer or whatever. So projects like that kind of drive me crazy where you have to be patient. Ugh. I hate patience. Yeah, you have to take it in stages. I can't just do it all in one day. Mm-hmm. What?

Nope. What? And we had to like take the, we had to like, you know, take the. lights off and turn off the electricity and put on the little electric caps. Anyway, it's been a thing. I'm really proud of you. That's what I've been up to. What about you? What's, what are, I love your new desk. Thank you. I up, I finally updated my, uh, workstation slash my podcasting station. Stephen's old boss gave us her old motorized standing desk like a million years ago. And it's been lying in disassembled pieces against the wall. And I've been working at this shitty little cardboard desk that I got,

uh, on Wayfair for like $20. Um, like during COVID when it, when my job sent us all home. And I knew I was going to be working home for a while. I got a shitty little desk. And I've been working at that since then. But I finally got this up and running. Yeah. sleek. Thank you. It's very sleek. It even works. It goes up and down like everything.

So I'm actually podcasting to you now standing. Should I post that picture you sent me? You should. Of my room with my dog in it. I really love. Yeah, I love the Obie's right there. He's so, good boy. Yeah.

You can see Obi in this picture. You can see my like whimsical tapestry. You can see the illustration of me and Kelsey. Great pictures. Kelsey, you are all over this room. It's not just that or the fairy tale books, but also I have two pictures. I think you gave me these for, these are the ones you gave me for Christmas. One of them is me in a cape and you in a top hat with a mustache.

Yes. And then there's also the one that we all took at Aftershock. Oh, so fun. I love that. You have so many great, like, pictures up on your. walls like a round of people. I don't have a lot of pictures of like the people in my life. I need to do that. Yeah. That's good. It is nice to see the faces of the people I love. I many, many years ago and over the course of the next few years, I made a promise, my New Year's

resolution included doing something about my front yard. Oh yeah. Now I have an update. It is a small update, but I'm very proud of myself, which is, was that your 2021 resolution? Like the first, the first one we made on the podcast. Uh-huh. How time flies. And I will say it's, it's not a finished project by any means. I have not, I have not like sorted out everything. I have everything that ought to be done with this like little piece of land. But the bush, that was planted in front of my window or like in front of our basement window it's been dying over the past few weeks

and that was the main like the past few years and that's one of the reasons why I wanted to do something with my front yard. And it's not, and it was already kind of dying when we bought the place and I'm not a plant person. So I didn't know how to keep it alive. And then these vines started growing all over it

that started choking the life out. Damn nature. Damn nature. And the vines out here are fucking crazy because this is basically a swamp. And so the vines were literally strangling it to death. Like you could see the way the vines were wrapping around the branches of this bush. And like blocking its access to sunlight. And then and because like, because I'm lazy and I don't do anything with any of my,

with any of my shit, like, I'm just going to go ahead and I'm just going to send you this picture now too, so you can gaze upon it with me. Because I don't fucking do anything. I also, I don't weed. I don't take care of anything. And so it wasn't until last spring that I noticed that these two plants had also decided to start growing in the same area. I didn't plant them there. And they look suspiciously like some of my neighbor's plants. They do that. They didn't plant. Fucking trees. Fucking trees spreading their seeds everywhere.

So two trees have decided to take up residence where this old dead plant is. And I finally hacked all of the strangling vines away from all three of these plants. You're saving them. I saved two of them. I'm a knight and shining armor for two of these plants. But I was too late to save the original bush that was there. I've been watching it very carefully over these past couple of weeks to see if anything would bud on it. Nothing.

Even though like the other, the two trees have flowered and now produced leaves, that thing is dead. So my next order of business is to pull it out. Ah, yeah. God, I have so many plants in my yard. They just take over everything and they never stop growing. And it's like, go away. I cut it back and they come back stronger. Except this bush

This bush is good Fuck that bush That bush wasn't strong enough to live It was exactly A survival of the fittest bush These trees are super strong And willing to grow I definitely should send pictures of these

To plant people What is this and should I move it? Yeah I probably should I should just probably dig out all three and start over and plant a new bush there or something. Just don't even have a bush there. Just unless you want to cover up that little window.

I like covering that little window because that little window is the only part of my house that's relatively like on street level. Yeah. So I feel like it's too easy for people to be able to like stare into my basement. Yeah. Plant another bush. Plants another bush. Ask somebody smarter than I.

What bush? I don't like the one that. was there. So it definitely be different. Good thing. It's dead now. And I allowed it to be killed. Fuck that, bush. This is fairy tale fix. Hell yeah. This is the podcast where we read each other classic fairy tales and quote unquote fix them for your pleasure and ours. Hell yeah, and we're here today.

I've got a long one. Oh my God. I'm so excited. Because Abby, how good was the Laughing Apples? I loved re-listening to that episode. It was very fun. Me too. I really enjoyed editing that one.

It's such a great story. It's so funny. It was great. So in that same theme, I also picked one that I have been wanting to read from a book of Giants by Ruth Manning Sanders for a while. Yes.

It is Jack the Giant Killer. Oh my God. We're finally doing it. Yes. I hope that's okay. Totally. It's not Jack and the Beanstalk. These are different stories.

Just so you know. Okay. That's actually a good distinction. I thought Jack and the Beanstalk was part of the Jack the Giant Killer. Jack and the Beanstalk is a different story. It is in this book. It's actually the first story in this book. The Jack, the Giant Killer, is different, and it is long, and it has six parts to the story.

Incredible. Incredible. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm glad I'm not going to trivia tonight. Yeah. Okay. I'm ready with my predictions.

However many predictions you want, honestly, I don't care for. Jack, the giant killer. The giant is in two chapters max. Two chapters max. Okay. Jack does other, has other feats he accomplishes aside from giant killing. Aside from giant killing. He's a multi-talented king.

He's a multi-talented multitasker. All right. Jack is a boastful son of a bitch. Love it. Do you have others? Bonus prediction, that gets him into Trebel. And final prediction, there's a, there is a princess somewhere. There's a princess somewhere.

Okay. Awesome. I'm really excited to tell you. because I have been wanting to read it for a while. And one thing that I also really like about this story is that it starts off in Cornwall. And one of our good friends, Chadwick, has just, either is moving or has just moved to Cornwall.

To Cornwall? Uh-huh. Oh, fuck, that's so cool. At least I'm pretty sure. Right? Right? Chadwick, this is for you But that's fucking dope

All right, Adam just came home So before I start, I'm going to go tell him hi Romance I told Adam to come knocking the door And say bye before he leaves, so Okay He's going to interrupt the podcast again God

He felt so bad He's like, I'm not going to interrupt your podcast And I was like, no, I want you to He should. It sounds like we're live Yeah, right I know he was like, did you just say you were going to go say hi to Adam? Are you going to leave them in the podcast? And I was like, I don't know, maybe.

I might. Now I'm going to. Abby edited. No, I think you should leave it in. All right. Tell me about Jack the Giant Killer and his princess and how he's a boastful son of a bitch. So excited to tell you. Part one, Jack and the Giant Cormoran.

It wasn't any Jack, you know. And it wasn't any Jack, I know. It was Jack the farmer's son who lived in Cornwall a long time ago. There was a giant, too, who lived in Cornwall at that time, and his name was Cormoran. Okay. Cormoran lived in a cave. The giant has a name? That's neat.

Hell yeah, he does. He absolutely does. And he lived in a cave on a rocky island, and he was a hungry, hungry, hungry giant. He ate boys and girls and men and men. women and cows and sheep and pigs and horses, he would come wading ashore, waving his spiked club and smashing and grabbing and snatching up this and that and other to take back to his cave. Wow.

He had been allowed to go on much longer. There wouldn't have been a thing left alive in those parts. Does it say he comes ashore? Because he's in his cave. Hold on. Yeah, because he lives in a cave on a rocky island. On a rocky island. So I just, but the, oh my God, just like the horrifying implication of like this.

It's like a puddle for him. This giant mountain is moving up the beach at you. There is an illustration. Oh, my God. Wow. He's dressed differently than I thought. He's dressed very nicely. He's a nice hat.

He's dressed very nicely. He's got like a doublet and a fine hat. Mm-hmm. With his spite club. He's a hungry, hungry man. Okay. And he's a bad, bad man. Okay.

Sounds like someone should kill that guy. Yeah. I wonder who. Well, one winter's day, the mayor and the counselors locked themselves in the town hall to hold a meeting because something had to be done about Kormner. Something. One said they should do this and another said they should do that, but none of them knew what to do. and that was the truth of it. And whilst they were arguing,

there came a great hammering at the door, but nobody would open it. They were too frightened. So then came to great... So then there came a great crash at the window that broke the glass, and they all jumped up and hit under the table for they made sure it was Cormoran.

But I wasn't Cormoran. It was Jack. Oh, my God. Enter our hero. He leaped down from the window seal, from the window sill. The window seal. And the mayor and the counselors crawled out from under the table.

What's the reward for killing the giant? said Jack. I've heard tell there's enough treasure in his cave to make a man rich for life, said the mayor. You're welcome to all of it if you can kill him, but you must mend that window. But fuck you for breaking our window. Thank you very much.

Absolutely. Responsibilities. important. When I get my treasure, I will, said Jack, and laughed and jumped out the window again. Just fucking breaking windows and shit. I'm unconcerned. The nerve of this guy. I love him.

He took a pickaxe and a shovel and a horn and some long, thin planks. As soon as stark, he got into a boat and rode over Corman, sorry, rode over to Cormoran's Island. towing the planks behind him. He could hear Cormoran snoring in his cave, and it was like all the waves of the world roaring together. Hmm. Okay. Sleepy sound and sleepy well, said Jack,

and don't you wake up till morning? Cormoran didn't wake up. Why should he? He was afraid of nothing and liked to sleep long and soundly, especially on dark winter nights where he had been eating all day. Jack worried with... What? Relatable.

That's what I do on Long Winter. nights too. I know, right? That sounds really nice. I love sleeping as long as possible. Yeah, after eating all day long. Boys and girls and cows and sheep. Boys and girls, cows and sheep, yeah. He's a giant. That's what they do. I know. Jack worked with his pickaxe and shovel all the night long, and in front of the cave, he dug a huge, great pit 20 feet deep and 20 feet broad, and he covered the pit with planks and strewed up the planks with seaweed.

By the time the sun rose, the pit was ready. So then Jack stood on the far side of it, on the far side of it, put the horn to his lips and blew a rousing blast. And here it says, tantavi, tantavi, tantavi, which I think is supposed to sound. I think you're supposed to make trumpet noises. I know, but it's tant. Tant-a-t-a-tent-ve. Tant-a-vee. Tant-a-be.

Bim-b-ba-be. Exactly. So Cormoran leapt up, rushed to the mouth of the cave, and roared out. Who dares to rouse a giant in his wrath? The man shall be the giant's mourning broth. And Jack answered, Tis I, little Jack, with the sun at my back, but with the sun in his eyes, the old giant dies. Son, I can see you well enough, bawled Cormoran. And into my breakfast pot you go.

Yes, Cormoran's could see Jack well enough, because the sun was shining on Jack. yellow hair. But he didn't see the pit covered with planks at seaweed at his feet. And he took a step forward with his great arm outstretched to make a grab at Jack. And Jack took a leap backward. Cormoran made a rush forward then and trod on the planks. The planks broke under him and down he went, head over heels, into the pit. Ooh. Okay. Before he could scramble out again, Jack was at him with the pickax. The pickaxe went into his head. And there he was dead as a door knocker.

Damn. Question. Yeah. If he sleeps so soundly that Jack could do all this outside, why could he not go in there and pickax his head while he was asleep? You see, it seems like that would probably save a lot of time, don't you think? It really would. You know, I bet Jack realized that and was like, but I came up with this great plan.

Oh my God. Maybe he's just like that. Maybe he's like, no, but this way is funner. Because this way, I can taunt him a little first. There you go. Okay. All right. His ADHD, I withdraw my question.

Already had a very specific plan of events that have happened. He was really hyper-fexated on this pit idea. Yeah, exactly. He was ready. He was like, no, this is going to work. Plus, what if he, like, woke up? What if he swung the pig axe and it didn't go through his head and he missed? That's a really good point.

So. You know what? I withdraw the question. You go, Jack. Jack has a plan. Can't believe you were going to question, Jack. I mean, you know what? Me neither.

That was, I'm a silly bitch. Can't believe you. You silly bitch. Do continue. Then Jack dug a channel and let his sea into the pit. And the dogfish and the crabs had a merry time of it, eating a bold cormoran, until there was nothing left but his. his bones.

Meanwhile, Jack went into the cave and the treasure that was there, you wouldn't believe, chest full of gold, chest full of silver and rubies and pearls. And when Jack had got all that treasure to shore, he was a rich lad indeed. He bought his father the biggest farm in all the seven parishes, and he gave his mother a necklace of pearls and bracelets of rubies. And there wasn't any poor people in that part of the country for a long time. for Jack gave money away with his right hand and with his left. I love Jack. Jack is the best.

Hell yeah, he is. And I bet he fixed that window, too, because he's such a good guy. Well, he became very famous and got a new title by the Order of the Mayor and Counselors, and his title was Jack the Giant Killer. Fuck, yes. They couldn't knight him because only the king could do that. But they presented him with a sword and a belt with a rhyme on it. a belt just like the tailor

Yeah with the 7 and 1 blow Okay The 7 and 1 blow belt And it has a rhyme on it It has the rhyme This was the rhyme Here's the valiant cornishman

Who slew the giant Cormoran It was the mayor's daughter Who embroidered these words On the belt and letters of gold Ooh So Jack's fucking rules He's a cutie Yeah

Who are we casting is Jack in the movie? Oh my God. So obviously it's already very different from Jack and the Beanstalk because Jack and the Beanstalk was like a dumb little kid. Yeah. This is a handsome youth, a handsome, clever youth. Doing all this giant slang. I don't know.

Think on it. Think on it on you cast. I'll have to think about it. Part two. I'll be thinking about it all the while. Jack and the giant tantrum. Damn it, there's two giants. Is it going to be a giant in every chapter?

Maybe. Maybe. I mean, I guess he is the giant killer. He is the fucking giant killer. Jack thought he would go on his travels and maybe kill another giant or two. I mean, now he's got some experience and he's thirsty for blood. Exactly. Now he's just a brutal, sick evil killer.

see yourself be the hero long enough to become the villain or something like that. Become the villain. That's super funny. So with a light step and a merry heart, he set off walking into Wales. Now there was a giant called Tantrum who lived in a wood on the border of Wales, and he was a cousin of Cormorans. And when he heard how Jack had killed Cormoran, he swore to be revenged. Ovenge! Orange! He was thinking of making a journey into Cornwall to find Jack and kill him

when it so happened that Jack in his journeying came to the outskirts of the very wood where tantrum lived. It saved him a trip. Oh my God! It was a hot day, and Jack was thirsty and sleepy, for he had walked many miles. In a little grassy dell, he stopped to drink from a clear stream of water that was bubbling from a rock. And when he had drunk a spill, he'd still. stretched himself out in the grass beside the stream and fell fast asleep. And so it was whilst Jack slept, the giant tantrum came to the stream to fill his water pitchers.

When he saw a man lying by the water, he stooped down to see what manner of man it was. Tantrum only had one eye, but it was a very big one. He could see with it even in the dark like a cat, which I love that detail. Yeah. Fucking giant cyclops that can see in the dark. Hell yeah. Oh, by the way, I have decided on casting for Jack. If this is allowed for this actor is dead.

But I would like to resurrect him for this film. Yeah. I just cannot stop picturing Keith Ledger in a knight's tale. Oh, yeah. Cute. Yes. Dreambo. charming, like,

Hell yeah. Oh, I love that. You be perfect. I know. It's inspired casting. Okay. Excellent. I could also see

Brendan Frasier. Oh, really, like a young Brennan. I was also thinking, since he said Heath Ledger, for some reason, I was like, what about like a young Carrie Ellis, like from the Princess Bride would be great? Oh, my God. Yes.

It's also him. Hell yeah. Those men in the 90s. Hot. I don't know any young blonde actors anymore, so. I don't care. This is the only one I could think of this one. I'm sure, like, if I spent a minute on it, I could think about it then.

Yeah. But these are, I think these are three excellent choices. I think Heath Ledger is a slam dunk. I agree. That's a great choice. Mm-hmm. Email or message us and tell us who you would cast as Jack the Giant Killer. Please, please, please, please.

Do it right now. Pause it. Do it right now. Pause it. Now go send me who you would cast. Well, wait. All right. So Tantrum finds him.

A cool Cyclops giant can see in the dark. Like a cat. Love that description. I don't know if that's in. like every version, but I, oh, by the way, in other versions, this story happens during King Arthur's time. Oh, that's fun. So, um, there's a lot more to the story and I probably should have researched more history, but I was busy taking wallpaper off my bathroom. You were very busy. We can always talk more about history later if we really want to. But I thought that was a really

cool thing. So, but I love this. That's a really interesting note. Yeah. RMS is just the goat. The fairy tale go. So it didn't take him long to read the words embroidered on Jack's sword belt. Here is the valiant Cornishman who slew the giant Cormoran. And when Tantaram read those words, his eye glowed and his heart bounded, for here was his enemy at his mercy. So he let his water pitchers lie and lifted Jack very, very quietly onto his shoulders and carried him away through the woods toward his castle, thinking about how he could put him in a pot and cook him for supper. As they went through the wood, the leaves of the trees brushed against Jack's neck and woke him up. Now I'm going to scrape, sure enough, thought Jack.

And twill take all of my wits to get me out of it. Why do I feel like Jack loves a challenge? He's like, oh, dang. We just saw how he's willing to go to a lot. lot of extra trouble over a much simpler solution. He's like, I need something a little harder this time. Yeah. Looking down, he saw that the track leading to the giant's castle was strewn with human bones.

And nearer they drew to the castle the thicker lay the bones. And if I don't look sharp about me, thought Jack, I wouldn't say but that my bones won't soon be lying amongst them. Tandrum carried him into the castle and locked him up in a big room while he went back to the stream to fetch his water pitchers. The room was over the great iron door of the castle. There was no windows, only barred gratings, but the bars were wide enough apart for Jack to stick his head through. He put his head out and looked down and he quickly pulled his head in again, for the ground was such a long, long way down that to look at him made him feel quite giddy. Oh. And if I were to jump out, I would never reach the earth alive.

So it's like a giant. Damn. I mean, it's a castle for a giant castle. So. So cool. It does sound cool. But then in the corner of the room, he found a long coil of thick rope. Oh, that's convenient.

Just leaving it there. It's a good thing that was in there. But he was just going to tie the rub to the bars and let himself down by it when he heard tantrum stamping back to the courtyard. Oh, my five wits tis now or never, thought he. So what did he do? Faster than fast, he made a running noose on one end of the rope and flung the other over the end,

and flung the other end over a beam with the end dangling down. Then, as tantrum was busy turning the key in the great iron door, Jack let down his noose and caught him neatly around the neck. Oh my God. Okay. Tanturn looked up with a roar. What are you doing now? You little thimble full of mischief, he bellowed.

Well. That won't save me. But he was too stupid to think of lifting the news from his neck. Aw. Idiot. So Jack skipped to the end of the rope and was dangling over the beam, took it in his two hands, hung on, and pulled with all of his might. The noose around the giant's neck grew tight and tighter and tighter still.

And he spluttered, he choked, he turned black in the face. And when his tongue hung out and his one eye goggled, Jack slipped through the grating and slid down the rope and cut off his head with his sword. And that was the end of tantrum. Wow. Hot damn. It's hard fucking core. Hardcore.

Jack's not fucking around. It's a good thing that rope was there. It's a good thing that rope was there. Real convenient. The giant was like the size that one man hanging off the end of it could incapacitated like that. He was too stupid to take it off. Aw. Aw.

Tantorum. You know me. I'm a sucker for giants. I know. Justice for. tantar him. I mean, he was going to kill him. It's true. Anyway, we'll get there. Part three, Jack and the Welsh Giant. Wow. So you can see there's a theme. There's a theme. Wow, there's a lot of giants in this. I love the giant killer. Who could have? I love the story. I love the giants. It's so fun. This story is going to keep us very

well fed. I'm excited. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Jack walked on into whales. The roads were twisting and narrow, and they led him on and on through the woods and over the mountains till he completely lost his way. When night came, he was in a narrow valley among the hills, and there was neither a house nor in where he might sleep. But by and by, he saw a light ahead of him, and walking toward it, he saw it was shining

from the window of a monstrous, huge house. except for this one light, the house was in darkness, but he groped about it till he found the door, and then he knocked on the good, and then he knocked on it, good and loud. Who's that knocking, and what will he be wanting? Came a voice from within. It was such a roaring voice,

the Jack knew it must belong to a giant, but he spoke up boldly. Tis the valiant cornishman, who slew the giant, cormorin, food and shelter does he lack, open then to little giant, Jack. So the giant unbolted the door, and he was a terrible, great giant with two stupid

looking heads, which is very funny to me. But he, and you know what, I'm going to change this myself because I'm going to change the pronouns to they, because I love in this Robin Jacques illustration. Oh, wait, sorry. I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm going to change it today and I'll tell you why in a second. Okay. Hit me.

Because they are obviously, what's the word? Non-binary? Non-binary. Thank you. But they were a cunning one and they opened. Oh, hold on. So they were a terrible great giant. Actually, I don't know if I'm going to be able to, like, change the pronouns that easily.

I'm going to do my best, though. Do your best. They were a terrible, great giant with two stupid-looking heads. But they were a cunning one, and they opened their two silly mouths with a wide grin and told Jack he would be welcome. Okay, so the giant has two heads. And I love it. In Robin Jacques's illustration, it's a male and a female head. Oh, my God.

Which I love. I think that's so fucking cool. Isn't that awesome? That is so awesome. Oh my gosh. What a cool, what a cool image too. I know. Isn't that a cool?

Like, yeah. Okay, anyway. I love it. I love it. I love it. Me too. Giant lore. Give it to me.

Giant lore. And also I just like that it's like, yeah, very like two heads. And you don't usually see that, like, the two heads, like split. in identity in any way. Like it's just usually two heads of the same person. Yeah, they look exactly the same. Yeah. I think that's so cool that we're on when shocked at that.

That's really fun. Love that choice. That's a really fun choice. So, yeah, no, I think they is much more appropriate. Oh, I said Jack, well enough. One of you, wait, oh, did I skip a page? Yes, I skipped a page. You were so excited to show me the illustration.

I know. I got way too excited. Okay. whilst he sleeps, we can kill him easy, whispered one silly mouth to the other silly mouth. And he gave Jack, okay, see, I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it. Am I fuck it up? It's okay. I believe in you.

And they gave Jack food and they showed him to his bedroom. It's pleasant dreams I will be wishing you, said they. And should there be any noises in the night, don't you be scared now? To it only be dratted rats in their dancing, whatever. Don't you worry about it. Don't you worry about it. Don't worry a pretty little head man who has just told me you kill giants. Come on in. Come on in.

Yeah, maybe you shouldn't introduce yourself by the way. Anyway. Jack's got a plan. Yeah, Jack's got a plan. I mean, of course he does. Never fear, said Jack. I shan't stay awake listening to the rats dancing and he yawned loudly. But he did stay awake for he didn't. didn't trust the sly look in that old giant's four eyes.

By and by, he heard the giant walking up and down in the next room muttering to themselves. The giant shouldn't mutter softly if he tried. The giant couldn't mutter softly if they tried, and Jack could hear every word they said. Thinks himself a brave boy, does he? Thinks there's nothing to be scared at. Thinks the old giant has a little soft heart and wouldn't harm a mouse. thinks he can sleep and snore and take his rest as if he was at home in bed.

But he shan't see the morning light. My club shall dash his brains outright. Yeah. We'll see about that, said Jack to himself. And he slipped out of bed, laid a big block of wood on the pillow, and went to hide behind a cupboard. I love how delightfully unsubtle they are. So unsubtle. And Jack's so not worried about it.

We'll see about that, said Jack to himself. Oh, wait. I already said that part. Did I? Yes. Okay. By and by, the giant opened the door, felt their way over to the bed, and brought down their spiked club.

Whack! Whack! Whack! On the place where Jack's head should have been. The block of wood splittered into pieces. Indeed, to goodness. now his bones crack, whatever, said the giant, and off they went laughing. In the morning, when Jack came down to breakfast, the giant stared with all their four eyes.

Did you sleep well at all? They asked. Oh, I said Jack, well enough. One of your rats ran over the pillow and gave me some flicks with his tail, but that didn't worry me very much. It's a hard head you have, said the giant. Damn. But we shall see. we shall see. And now we'll have some breakfast. They gave Jack a bowl with six gallons of porridge

in it and brought over two bowls for themselves, one for each head. Six gallons. Six gallons. Damn. I mean, if you're a giant, you gotta eat. Does the porridge have any suspicious meats in it?

Little bone sticking out of it. A little eyeball bubbling up. They had two shovels for spoons, one in each hand, and they shoveled the porridge into both mouths at once. Do they have two stomachs? That's such a good question. It looks like one. It's just two heads. Yeah.

But I mean, they're still giant. It's true. Yeah. Eating with a shovel. And that's why they thought Jacqueline needed a half. portion for breakfast. Jack's also very hungry. It's you as a hearty eater for your size, said they,

marveling at the way the porridge in Jack's bowl was disappearing. But Jack had a leather bag under his coat, and he was dropping the porridge into the bag because he didn't want the giant to think he had a small appetite. I could eat that much again, said he when the bowl was empty. But first I'll show you a trick. And he took the knife and ripped open the bag and came out all the porridge.

I'll wager my life. You can't do that? Can't I indeed? said the silly giant. And they took up a knife and ripped up their belly. And out came all the insides of them. So that was another giant dead. Giants are so stupid.

Stupid giants. Aw, it's mean. But this one was stupid. My snowed one. Yeah, slicing itself open. I like how competitive they are, too. I know. They're like, I can do that.

Amazing. Part four. Jack, the King of England's son and the giant with the three heads. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my God. We're getting more heads. More and more heads. Holy shit.

It's happening. Now it's so happened in those days that a princess was carried off by a demon. Yes. Excellent. By a demon, that's fun. By a demon though. That's a fun miracle. Not just a princess, but a princess and a demon. And a demon.

Wow. Shut up in a castle in Wales. And when the king of England's son heard of it, he said he would set her free and he rode off into whales. But on his way, he fell among thieves and they took his horse and robbed him of all they had. Sure. Yeah. He was wandering about not knowing where to go or what to do when he meant. met with Jack. The prince told Jack's story and Jack said, we'll travel on together.

But where shall we sleep this night? said the prince. I haven't one penny to pay for a bed. Really? The prince can't find a place to sleep? You don't have a, you, uh, you, uh, well, I mean, he did just get robbed. I know, but he's the prince. Like, you think he's good for it? You think he could just kind of show up somewhere at an inn and be like, hey, I will send the bill to my father. Put it on my tab. I'm the prince. Is it? Is it?

Is it? Is what that big? Is whales that big? I mean, it's kind of big. I feel like you would probably know. Anyway. That doesn't matter. No matter.

England and whales are enemies, though. But I guess if he's going to. save the Welsh princess, you know, that's pretty nice of him. Yeah, I mean, this isn't King Arthur's time. Is that when their enemies? I don't know. I don't know either. I hesitate to blog about it. I wish you would. Just act like you know and it'll be fine. No one's going to question it. I mean, you know, I thought the whole point of Camelot was that nobody, nobody fights with Camelot, maybe, except Mordred? I don't know. I don't remember.

Chris? We need to, yeah, I will ask Chris. All right. Well, Jack's not worry about it because he's Jack and he's the man with the plan. Okay. He's always got it going on. He's always got a plan. No matter. Also, he's not afraid to fall asleep by a stream. Or in a giant's house. I guess he wasn't really sleeping. Yeah, that's true.

I guess he waited a little bit. Mm-hmm. Anyway. No matter, said Jack. A mile or two from here lives a giant with three heads. I was on my way to kill him. It's in his castle, we'll sleep this night. You stay here under this bush and I'll go arrange it. Love this guy.

You too. The prince hit himself behind the bush in fear and trembling. He thought he had seen the last of Jack, but Jack went on his way till he came to the giant's castle and there he knocked on the gate. The giant put its three heads over the gate. Who knocks, said the first head. Who knocks? said the second head.

Who knocks? said the third head. I'm imagining if it were a movie, it would all be at once. Who knocks? Who knocks? Who knocks, knocks, knocks, echoed the walls in the woods and the mountains. Oh, wow. Only your poor cousin, Jack, said Jack.

didn't know we had a cousin said the three heads what news poor cousin jack bad news cousin said jack heavy news terrible news the king of england's son is marching this way with an army of sixty thousand men and he is sworn to kill you oh poor cousin jack blubbered the giant out of his three mouths what shall i do i can manage three hundred men a hundred to each mouth but i can't manage more. Well, if I were you, I should hide, said Jack. Oh, yes, poor cousin Jack, I'll certainly hide. I'll go down into my vault and you can lock me in. When the King of England's son arrives with his army, give him a feast and tell him I've gone to Scotland to visit my uncle.

So Jack locked the giant in the vault and went to fetch the prince. And you've just given him the location of his next victim. Your uncle. He's so scared. He's so scared. This poor giant. I'm sad. There's no illustration of this one.

I know. I'm a little bummed. That sounds awesome. Three heads. Hell yeah. I know. All right. So Jack locked the giant in the vault and went to fench the prince.

And they feasted together and went to bed and slept in peace while the giant hid in the vault and trembled. In the morning, Jack opened the giant's treasure chest and gave the prince as much gold as he could carry. And when he went to the giant's stables, he found a good horse for the prince and so sent him on his way. And then he went down into the vault and released the giant. What news now, poor cousin Jack, said the giant. And he was still so frightened that all of his three mouths were twitching. Brave news, said Jack. The prince is Army is on the march to Scotland.

They opened your treasure chest, but they didn't take much. And the prince went to your stables and took away your best horse because his own had fallen lame. But you've plenty of horses left and plenty of treasure. So cheer up, my cousin. And the giant cheered up. His mouth stopped

twitching and they asked Jack what reward he could choose for his kindness. Oh, nothing much, said Jack. I saw a few old things at your bedside that take my fancy. An old cap, an old coat, and a rusty old sword

and a pair of moth-eaten slippers. Oh, poor cousin Jack, said the giant. Those are treasures above all my treasures. Treasures. I can't say the word treasurer. Treasurer. Treasers. The cap will tell you all you want to know.

The coat makes its wear invisible. Hell yes. And the sword is the sword of sharpness. So on the nose. Wow. It will cut in two pieces. The sword of sharpness. It's the sword of sharpness.

It will cut in two pieces whatever you strike it with. And the shoes are shoes of swiftness and will take you at one bound wherever you wish to go. But there, you have saved my life and you'll shahad them. Aw. So Jack took the cap and the coat and the sword in the shoes and said goodbye to his three-headed cousin. He thought he ought to make himself invisible and cut off the giant. Three heads with a sword of sharpness. He's been so nice to you.

But somehow he couldn't do it. It seemed too mean. Oh, I love Jack. Okay. Jack's a good guy. Right? Isn't that cute? He's really only killing people that are trying to kill him.

Or killing, you know, children and everyone. Sure. Yeah, the first one, for sure. I love it so much. You too. So he put on the shoes of swiftness, and at one bound, overtook the prince. I think we can't be far from the castle where the demon has shut up the princess, said the prince. Then I'll go on and announce your coming, said Jack.

And at one bound, he reached the castle. He thought to find the princess chained to a stake or charmed into a magic sleep or locked in a high tower or any one of those things that captive princesses usually are. But no such thing. To his surprise, he found the prince. Princess at Liberty and holding her court as if the castle belonged to her. But she was held captive all the same. She was held captive by a spell that the demon had put on her, a spell that turned her kind, heart, cruel.

Oh. I'm going to kind of love that for her. I've got it. I love, yeah. Was the spell agency? Yeah, I'm just, I've got to say, I might have a fix with this story. forming in my mind, which is like the princess just wanted to fucking live by herself and do whatever she wanted.

And they're like, oh, it was the demon. It was a demon. Was it? I love that for a thanks. Yeah. I love that for a fix. Okay. Keep telling me the story.

I will. Yeah. I will. When she heard the prince was coming. she pretended to be very pleased and said, We must prepare a banquet for him. And when the prince arrived, she feasted him royally and called him her deliverer and her true love.

But before she went to bed, she wiped her lips with a handkerchief, slipped the handkerchief into the bodice of her dress, and said, You must show me that handkerchief in the morning, or you will be hanging from the castle wall. The prince laughed. I shall know where to find it, says he.

But he was troubled. it didn't seem a nice remark for a lady to make for her true love. He's like, that was kind of weird, right? Wait, does she not think I'm her true love? Yeah. But Jack put on his cap of knowledge, and then he understood that the princess's heart was wicked, and he knew what she meant to do. She sounds like a wicked hussy indeed.

I don't know. I kind of think you'd be funny if Jack seduze the princess. He was like, oh, and made on with her? I know where to find it. I know where to find it. Easy. Easy. In the middle of the night, she called her demon and gave him the handkerchief.

The demon carried it away to his den deep under the earth, but Jack in his coat of darkness and his shoes of swiftness followed at his heels. The demon put the handkerchief on a shelf and went to bed, and Jack took the handkerchief back. back to the prince. In the morning, the prince showed the princess, the handkerchief, and she laughed, I knew you would easily find it, said she. But that night, before she went to bed, she kissed the prince on the lips. And she said, tomorrow morning, you must show me the lips that I last kiss tonight, or my executioner will cut off your head. I will show you my own

lips, said the prince. But again, he felt troubled. He's a little troubled. In the middle of the night, the prince called up her demon. She raided him soundly, sorry, in the middle of the night, the princess called up her demon. She raided him soundly for being so careless about the handkerchief, but neither she nor he knew how it had been stolen from him. But now we have the Prince and our power, said she. And she kissed the demon on the lips and told him to go and not show himself again until she called him. Okay. This relationship's a little, can he?

Because also her demon? Mm-hmm. Who kidnapped too? The demon sank down to his den, but Jack and his... That's such a funny fix that it's actually just her. I kind of love that. The demon sank down to his den, but Jack and his coat of darkness and his shoes of swiftness followed at his heels. And when they reached the den, he drew a sword of sharpness, cut off the demon's head and brought it back to the prince.

That's too bad. I know. Boo. Boo. All the demon did was like give a princess a nice castle in her own life. Maybe Jack finds out what's going on. And he's like, you know what? I'm going to go.

Oh my God. That's the, I love that. He's just kind of like, wow, this, I have more giants to kill. This really seems like none of my business. Or like he takes the prince with them and they have a little buddy. Oh, I love that. Adventure. It's like, look, dude, she clearly left on purpose.

That would be cute. Plus, he has too many things. He could give the prince some shoes or a coat or a cap. He's got way too many things. Yeah, he should give two of the items to the prince. And then they can build up their little team and find two more guys. And then they each get one magic item.

Ooh, and one of them actually is a giant. Okay, sorry, anyway. The three-headed giant decides to join Porka's Jack. Oh, my God. Okay. Love it. Okay, sorry. And in the morning, when the prince showed the princess,

and in the morning, when the prince showed the princess the head, she gave a cry of horror and fell down. down in a swoon. That was my boyfriend. When she recovered from her swoon, the spell had gone from her, and she was good and kind again. And willing to go back to her father's castle and marry whoever her father tells her to. Yeah, sure the spell was broken. Become a little baby-making machine because the spell was broken.

All the evil that had been in her heart was completely forgotten. And the prince didn't remind her of it. you may be sure of that. All of the sex she wanted to have and all of the drugs she wanted to do gone from her mind. Wamp, wamp. The prince and the princess

and Jack set off for the King of England's court and a splendid coach drawn by eight white horses. The prince and the princess were married the next day. The king knighted Jack and offered to keep him at court. But Sir Jack said he would rather kill a few more giants because he is a problem.

Because he's got a problem. He's tasted. Which is why I don't believe for a fucking second that he stayed at that castle, but he realized there were no giants there to murder. So he took his leave of the king of England and started once more on his travels. Jack's a sociopath. He's a sociopath. He thirsts for giant blood. I just want to fucking kill him all.

Yeah. It's a problem. But it's a problem. Real problem. Sir Jack. Sir Jack. He's fucking knighted now. He got knighted.

I actually, I love that for him. Yeah, I know he's pretty great. I do feel like it could be funny if he seduced the princess and they just left the prince. Also very fun. Ooh, and then the prince and the demon could do some fun stuff. Ooh. It sounds like the prince also needs a little sexual liberation. Maybe they both should have stayed with the demon for some fun.

Ooh, there's a fun twist. It just keeps getting better. This, like, no, truly, I think, I think that whatever weird little sex games they're playing with each other, Jack is like, you know what, this is none of my business. And then he leaves to go murder more giants. I got to get out. You guys, I think you can handle it. Work it out. You know, I think you just need to have some really honest conversations with each other. About boundaries, you know, consens. Yeah, absolutely. Safe words. Safe words. Yeah. Oh, what's the safe word? Oh, my goodness. Cormoran. I was thinking it had to be something giant related.

Cousin Jack. Aw, Cousin Jack. Obviously, he's my favorite giant. Anywho. Part five, Jack and the giant Thunderel. Thundrel. Thunderl.

I like Thundrel. These are cool fucking names. Cool name, yeah. Jack traveled far and why in his shoe, sorry, hold on. This beer is actually making my mouth quite dry. Drink your water. You're doing a great job, by the way.

I am very entertained. This is a great story. Isn't it fun? You're reading it very well. Yes. I love all the giant lore. Yeah, it's still pretty long, but just like the amount of different giants that you get to. And a demon?

And a demon. Just throw a demon in there. Why not? Oh, in the King Arthur, like, old version, it's like literally Lucifer. Oh, okay. That's cool. It's a demon called Lucifer. Jack traveled far and wide and his shoes of swiftness.

And somewhere in mid-England, he came across two giants sitting at, outside a cave under a hill. Oh, okay. Two. Two giants. Okay, this is crazy. The giants had only one head between them, and they were holding a conversation by tossing it from one to the other. What?

There is not a picture of this, and I'm very sad about it, because this sounds cool as hell. I can't believe you wasted your illustration on the two-headed giant. Yeah, it's like two bodies, but one head. but it comes off. That's crazy. Toss it to the other one. Isn't that cool? That's cool.

Okay. Thank you. That's my favorite. That's awesome. Okay, so they were holding a conversation by tossing it from one to the other. When Jack put on his coat of darkness, ran between the giants and caught the head on the point of his sword of sharpness. The head was cleft in two pieces, and both the giants fell down dead. Wow.

That was fast. That was almost too easy, said Jack. And he went into the cave to look for the giant's treasure. Okay. From the cave, a passage led deep into the hill. The passage twisted and turned, and Jack stumbled along in the dark, till at last he came into a big room where a light was burning in a stone lamp. This was the giant's dining room,

where there was a long table strewn with bones, and a stone hearth with a fire and over the fire, an iron cauldron with steam coming from it. and its lid bouncing up and down. Jack didn't stop to see that it was... Jack didn't stop to see what was in the cauldron, for he heard a sound of crying and groaning coming from behind the door,

and stepped into a dungeon, crowded with weeping women and groaning men. Wow, okay. The dungeon was the giant's larder, and the men and women were intended to go one after the other into the boiling cauldron. But when Jack told them the giants were dead, and they were free,

their weeping and moaning turned to joy and laughter. Jack found the giant's treasure coffers in a cellar under the dungeon, and he split them open with his sword of sharpness. Sword of sharpness is so like... It's so stupid. You couldn't think, like, okay, that has to be another fix for this story is we have to come up with a better name for that sword. A cooler name for the sword.

Sword of sharpness. Like... Yeah, no. No, no. Yeah. I mean, it's no excatement. But like, Yeah, but like,

It's king, Arthur time. So it's got to be like, cool fucking name. It's got to be cool sword. It's got to sound like a sword. Sharp scalliger. Sharp scalliger.

Shark out of you out of a pond. Sharp scaliber. No, that's still a better name than the sort of sharpness. That's what I'm calling it from now on. Sharp Scarabur. I hate short of sharpness. Plus it's hard to say. It's too many asses.

it is sharp scalaber it is so we split them open with sword scalaber and I guess that's still technically too that's sharp scalaber sharp scaler and he shared the treasure equally among the captives then which is he's so nice cool dude yeah he's like a little bit of a sociopath

but like he knows he knows what he knows what's right when he's not on a bloodthirsty mission. It's like that he only kills killers. Right. He's like Dexter. Exactly. He's a serial killer of giants. And he's kind of psycho.

But if the giants are nice enough, he's like, well, it seems too mean. Oh, yep. Too mean. Then singing and dancing and praising Jack, they all came out into the sunlight and went all together to a nearby castle that belonged. to one of the captives, and there they feasted and made Mary. The castle is entirely surrounded by a very wide and deep moat, with only a narrow drawbridge to cross the moat by.

You'd think they were safe enough inside that moat, but in the midst of their rejoicing, a messenger came leaping over the bridge with his hair standing on end. He told them that the dead giants had a nephew called Thundrel, and that he had two heads, and he was the biggest and fiercest giant and all of that part of the country. Hell fucking yes.

Now Thundrell was coming like a moving mountain to avenge the death of his uncles. Oh, what shall we do? They all cried in terror. We have escaped one horrible fate only to meet another. But Jack laughed, which seems a little insensitive. Now you shall see some sports, said he. Because he's so fucking excited.

You are hanging with the guy that casually told you, oh, I killed those two giants. Don't worry about it. Have some money. Let's go. Let's go party. He's like drunk now at the same time. Yeah. He took his, he took sword scorn.

Scaliber. Yeah. And went on to the middle of the drawbridge, and he made a cut in it on either side so that all that was firm of it was just a narrow gangway in the middle. Then he put on his coat of darkness and went across the moat to meet Thunderell. And there he came, the moving mountain, waving his club and gnashing all the teeth in his two heads. He couldn't see Jack, but he could smell him. And he came.

roaring out. Fee, F, foe, bum. Classic. Fuck yeah. I smell the blood of a cornishman. Oh. Be he alive or be he dead.

I'll grind his bones to make my bread. Fuck yes. And Jack put on his shoes of swiftness, threw off his coat of darkness and sang out. Here's little Jack the Cornishman who slew the giant Cormoran. If you can touch him for,

or a hind, I'll give you leave his bones to grind. And off he went like the wind, round and around the moat, with thunderall bounding after him and making the ground shake at every step. I love that image of like a moving mountain that it's just, this guy is so fucking huge. The giant Lauren, this is my favorite. Yes. I'm gone, cried Jack, putting on his coat of darkness. And now you see him here, slipping off the coat again.

So he's just like taunting him. And round the moat and round the moat and round the moat they raced. Thunderel was puffing and roaring and beating about with his great club. And he only beat the air for Jack was always just out of his reach. I'm not tired yet, said Jack. But I think you are. So we'll make an end. And he leaped onto the drawbridge and ran lightly over it.

Thunderel clattered after him. but when he got to the middle of the bridge, there it was all but cut in two. His weight broke it down and into the moat he tumbled. And when he waited to the side, he put up his big, ugly heads and tried to scramble out. Jack stooped and cut both the heads clean off with one blow of his sword scalabur.

Yeah. I told you I'd show you some sport, said he to the watching crowd. And they all went back to the castle and finished their feast. Yeah. Let's go back. Let's keep partying. Fuck, yeah. Oh, my God. And it's like an illustration of them falling into the boat. Yeah. I still think you missed an opportunity with the two giants tossing their head back and forth.

Oh, I know. Isn't that the coolest? I want to hear more about them. I thought for sure, when I was reading that, I thought when he cut their head into, I thought it was going to like merge into two heads. And they were going to be that. We're like hydrant. and then leave. Yep. Oh, sweet. Thanks. That's my fix for that part. I like that a lot. Is that they're like,

man, thanks, sweet. Because I love giants. I don't want them to do. I know. And I like the idea that like he doesn't kill them all the time. Yeah.

They were like, thanks, bud. And then they bounced. Then they bounced. And then he was still able to rescue all those people. And then they can have their party. I love that they're having a party. I like the idea that Jack does this just when he's like super drunk.

He's like, oh, I got it. I got it. There you see. I kicked his ass. More beer. I got these shoes of swiftness. The swords caliber. It does sound like what a drunk person would call their gear.

Yeah. Hell yeah. Okay. Part six. Jack, the giant Gallagantua and the Enchanter. the what what is this giant's name Gallagantua

that is so hard I love that Galagantua my love I love it dude it's so fucking good and the next illustration okay

Isn't this a great story I am I am so enjoying this so very deeply please bring it home. I'm really scared to watch the movie because I just feel like... How could it possibly be this good? It could never live up to this. You know it's only going to have like a one or two giants in a max.

It's not going to have a giant tossing, two giants tossing one head back and forth. There's no way it's going to do all the coolest parts. We're probably going to get the bit with the princess and that's it. Ugh. Boring. Okay. Boring. Jack was, I mean, I'm still going to watch it, but yeah, but, you know, there's also a

1962 version. Jack was soon off on his travels again. He traveled uphill and he traveled down Dale over rough and smooth for many a mile. Towards sunset, he came to a desolate land, parched and brown with neither tree nor stream nor any sign of life. He crossed this land and came to a great mountain with a little tumble-down cottage at its foot. By the time Jack reached the cottage, it was nearly dark. I can travel no farther tonight, thought he. So he knocked at the door. And the door was...

He's a little hungover. I can't travel anymore. I need some water. My head is killing me. Maybe a breakfast beret. Some greasy potatoes. Oh, mm. Mm-hmm.

The door was opened by an old, old man. His thin white hair fell to his shoulders, and his white beard reached to his knees, which is my favorite. His hands shook, his lips trembled, and he peered at Jack through half-blind eyes. Father, said Jack. Can a traveler have lodging for the night?

Oh, and maybe some greasy breakfast burritos. Burritos. Burrito. willingly my son said the old old man in his old thin trembling voice i gotta do better though a bowl of soup and a bed of straw is all i have to offer you as long as it's got potatoes in it maybe some bacon mhm jack stepped in and sat down by the fire and the old old man brought him a bowl of soup it's a lonesome spot you live in said jacques Jack, I, I said the old, old man, a lonesome and weary spot, but it was not always so. Once and not long ago, this hovel was a palace, and I was a strong, happy man. Lord.

I love that he's just like a crazy old man. Lord of our wide and fertile lands to the east west, how farther from I could see, all gone, all change. But how can that be, said Jack? Okay.

It's a long story. How can that be? You're doing amazing, by the way. Take a break if you need it. Oh, thanks. I'm just long for the voice. I didn't think about that. On top of this mountain, said the old, old man, is a many-towered castle where the giant Gallagantua and his friend, the enchanter.

And because I would not give Gallagantua my only daughter for his wife, the enchanter, snatched her away to the mount-dop and a flaming chariot drawn by two fiery griffins. Damn, that's cool. He changed her into a milk-white dough, and all of my people, he turned into birds and beasts, and he carried them to the top of the mountain. And my friends, he made a barren wilderness, and my palace he turned into a hovel, and he struck me down in pride of my manhood

so that I became what you see now. Would he had killed me? For whilst I live, I never. the crazy hope my daughter will one day be rescued. Father, said Jack, I will rescue her. He's already calling him dad. I think it's like how people call him like, daddy, grandfather, grandmother.

Yeah, it's a term of respect for an elder, for sure. It's pretty fucking, I'm pretty sure he's probably going to marry this princess. Bearing, boom, boom, meo, p p p p p pia. I feel like that needs to be a part all in itself. It's so good. And the old, old man shook his head. Ah, no, my son, you cannot. Many and many a brave knight has tried and failed.

Father, said Jack, do you see what is written on my sword belt? Now I want it to be fucking Nathan Fillion. With like how cocky is. Oh my God, I love it. That's so fucking funny. Do you see what's written on my sword belt? My sword belt? My sort of sharpness.

Sword scaliber. My sword scaler. I am all the blind, said the old, old man. How should I see? And Jack took off his belt and held it close to the old man's eyes. Oh, you're going to just read it. to him, honey. I know, too. And the old man peered and blinked and made out the words. Tis the valiant cornerishment who slew the giant Cormoran. He who can slay one giant can slay another,

said Jack. And I've slayed six so far. But still, the old old man shook his head. What can you do, my son? The two terrible fiery griffons sit on each size of of the castle gate. They wait, they watch, and they never sleep. He who ventures to pass them goes to his death. They tear all to pieces with their beaks and claws. Not so,

said Jack. Here in my bundle, I have a cap of knowledge. Shoes of swiftness, a coat of darkness, and swords caliber. Fuck yes. With my shoes of swiftness, I will reach the mountaintop in one bound. With my coat of his hangover is like slowly getting better because of the soup.

Because of the soup. In my coat of darkness, I will walk between the griffons unseen. With my sword of sharpness, I will cut off their heads. With my sword scaliber, I will cut off their heads. With my cap of knowledge, I'm a match for the enchanter. Now have and be praised who send us such a deliverer, cried the old man, and he shed tears of joy. Aw. He spread straw on the ground and Jack lay and slay.

slept soundly. Early in the morning, Jack Rose, put on his cap of knowledge, his coat of darkness, and his shoes of swiftness, and promising the old old man he would see him again, and he took his sword scalver and set out on his adventure. With one bound, he reached the top of the mountain. With another skip, he was up at the top of a flight of stone steps that led to the gate of the many-towered castle. There, on either side of the gate stood the griffins.

their watching eyes blaze like red hot coals and their beaks shot out blames and their claws were like, razors was fucking awesome. So fucking metal. I love it so much. And their feathers were wings as sharp swords,

but not as sharp as sword scalyber. Yeah. They had iron spikes on their lashing tails. They're metal as fuck. They're cool. Man, now I'm kind of sad. There's not a, Like an illustration of that.

I know. I feel like Robin Jack really missed a lot of golden opportunities to show us like, show us the real stuff. This next illustration is pretty fucking cool, though. Okay. All right. I'm excited. But Jack passed between them unseen. And when he had passed, he drew sword scaliber and sneak-snack off-rolled their heads.

Yes. And that's the illustration I want. Oh, God. So cool. And so he came to the castle gate. Oh, I say bye to my husband. That's fine. You got leave that in.

Romance. And so he came to the castle gate. There was a horn hanging by a silver chain in the gate, and under it were some magic words written in blood red letters. Thanks to his cap of knowledge, Jack could read those words. Pretty convenient. He used a lot to this three-headed giant. Yeah.

He really does. I hope that the three-headed giant is properly thanked. He who wants this horn dares blow, shall the giants overthrow. Who blows it twice shall make to fall, gates and towers, roof and wall. Who blows it thrice in that same hour, he breaks the dread enchanters power. Ho-ho, says Jack. Oh, ho! Now we shall see things happen.

He took down the horn, set it to his lips, and blew a mighty blast. The giant put his head out of a window. Jack waved his sword scalabur and snick-snack off-rolled the giant's head. Oh, my God. The giant didn't even get a chance. I know. So fast. Oh, man.

Okay, I'm actually really bummed. Because his name is so cool. Gigantual. Hold on. I don't even remember. Gigantathor or whatever it was. Gallagant. Galangentua.

Galangentua. God damn, that's a cool name. I know, right. And he doesn't even get a chance. He just sticks his head out the window. Yeah. Jack put the horn. Yeah, just snick, snack.

All right. Jack put the horn to his lips again and blew two mighty blasts. And there was a roaring and a rumbling. And the stones were cracking. The walls were swing. And the towers were bending. Crash. Down fell the castle.

And there was the enchanter. with his bats wings and his steeple-crowned hat, dancing and screaming among the ruins. And that's what the illustration is of. Oh, shit, okay. That actually is a pretty awesome. It's not as cool as the Griffin, but like... It's not as cool as the Griffin, but that is pretty fun.

It's like some skinny guy with bat wings and a tall witch hat, and he's just like dancing in the flames. Dancing. Yeah. I mean, there's a... I know that when you first started saying enchanter, I was picturing the enchanter from Monty Python. I was picturing him.

Okay. With the long beard and the goats horns and stuff. Yeah, that would have been cooler. Yeah, that would have been cooler. This guy is kind of... I'm a little disappointed. Yeah. Especially after the description of the Griffins.

Yeah. The guy who invented those, I was expecting something a little extra. I still love it, though. It's pretty great. Jack put the horns to his lips again and blew three mighty blasts. The enchanter set himself a light and flew up into the air, blazing and screaming. But by and by, the blaze went out, and there was nothing left but the scream. and that too soon faded.

Then from amongst the ruins and up the clefts of the mountains, flocks of birds, and a multitude of bees of all sorts came flying and running, led by a milk-white dough. The mountain itself began to sink slowly into the earth,

and when it had disappeared, Jack found himself standing in front of a fine palace amongst a crowd of people. Looking round him, he saw no wilderness, but a wide, fertile land of meadows and orchards

and farmsteads with men and women working, men and women working in the fields and moving in and out of the houses. Wow, they're already back to work. It's like the end of the Lion King. Uh-huh. It's all green again. Then out from the palace stepped a handsome, smiling man with curly black hair and a short black beard. He was super hot. And a beautiful, I put that part.

I know. And a beautiful. I don't. And a beautiful young girl ran from amongst the crowd and flung her arms around his neck. My father, my father. Daddy, she cried. Daddy. And all the people rubbed their eyes and said, surely we've been dreaming.

We are come home again and this is our noble Lord the Duke. Wait. And this is his lovely daughter. So who are the people working the fields? They're all the beasts that were coming out of the ground. No, no, I know. but how are the people also standing around exclaiming? The magic is broken.

Okay, whatever. Ah, it's magic. Yeah, I feel like this part needed a little more more. Yeah. The fight should have been long. The battle should have been more epic. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Thunderell got a better story. Yeah, got a better story. Got a better battle. This needed more. It needs a little more. Mm-hmm. Because it's great. but it was like, oh, he just read how to kill him all and then it did it.

Yeah. I thought it was going to be like he blows once and then the battle ensues and then he blows twice and more like shit happens. He has to run out of the castle because it's falling. I like that better. And then he has to actually battle the enchanter instead of just the enchanter. It happens too quickly. It does. But that's what he has with the cap of knowledge.

Everything comes super easy to him. He just has too many superpowers. Yeah. He does. That is too many magic items. You get one maybe two. Yeah. Yep.

Agreed. Go on. And what happened next? Why Jack married the Duke's daughter, of course. Yeah, of course he did. And lived happily ever after. He killed a lot more giants too. So that by the end of his life.

Because he could never quench his thirst for giant blood. He could never quench his thirst. There was only one giant left in all of England. And that was the three-headed one that Jack hadn't the heart to kill. But that giant two died in the end of old age, the end. I love that ending. That's so funny. But that giant.

and also died to the end. She also died, but like of old age. That ending kills me. It's so funny. Yeah, that part of the ending needs no fix whatsoever. That's fantastic. I'm really glad to know that. But we need a giant battle scene.

Yes, with gargantella. It also has a, there's also a different name. Hold on. I feel like in other stories there might be a bigger story because the end, there's two different names depending on like who you look at. I read about it, but I didn't write it down because I was watching because I was busy watching resident alien while I was thinking about it. Oh, I think this is for the movie. I don't want the movie. I don't want to know the ending of the movie.

Oh, because it's Jack the Giant Killer. Sorry, the movie is called the Jack the Giant Slayer. Oh, all right. I'm pretty sure. Okay. So in one story, it's Galagantus. Gallagantis is also pretty cool. Galagantus

Oh man I thought it had it's it has like a link so I clicked on it because I thought maybe he has his own Wikipedia page but it just goes back to the same giant the giant killer And then Galagantua is in the Joseph Jacobs

version which I think is where Ruth Manning Sanders got most of first off Gallagantua Galangangua A better a better a more metal ass fight for Gallagantua befitting of his name. Yeah, than him just sticking his head out of his window.

He's mining his own business and sticks his hat out of the window. Exactly. Yeah. Give the man a chance to swing his own spiked club around. Yes. Somebody, okay, that's my main problem with this story is that Jack really doesn't have any problems. Like he overcomes nothing.

He's just awesome from the start. So it's a little bit self-serving at the story. Like, this is all from Jack's perspective of like, yeah, he's so awesome. I mean, history is written by the winners. So, like, this is clearly what he told the town bard happened in his life. I would like him to have to overcome, like more, just have a tougher time with it. maybe have to overcome his own lust for killing giants. Oh my gosh.

And what that means, what that says about him. Right. Like, and then also, like, he's finally tempted to settle down by this princess. And he has to work on himself. Yeah. And maybe she's the one that's like, are you okay? Are you okay? Do you want to, why do you?

What hole inside yourself are you trying to fill with giant murder? Mm-hmm. And it's too many things. two, like four things like knowing everything being super fast, being able to be invisible and having like a crazy sword scalper is too. Too many things. Yeah, it's too easy. I feel like we should take that cap away from him. You can't, you can't know everything.

Like the Griffins, it would have been fun if you had to battle a Griffins. Yes. Maybe I should. Maybe we should rewrite the story in our fairy tale fix. but this would be such a good one. That would be a great one to be right. Because we have a lot of fixes for it. This is such a great story.

Like the bones are so good. He just needs a little, um, something. Too easy. Yeah. It was too easy for him. We need, we need to increase his challenges and give the, give the giants a little more going on. I do see some of these bites. I do kind of see it being like a funny comedy type situation,

where it's like Rick and Morty where he's actually just awful and like drunk all the time. But he's really smart. That's also a hilarious. It's just super easy for him. But he's super problematic. But he's a fucking asshole. Yeah. He's kind of not.

Like he lets that three head of giant live. So I don't know. And also he like always shares his money. Every time he gets treasure. He like splits it with all the people. I think that would make the story funny is if he were just an asshole. He was really good at killing giants. But he was an asshole.

or he just had a little bit tougher time for that. God, which is funnier? Which one do we like more? Oh, I kind of like I'm just being an asshole. That's very funny to me. Oh, my goodness. That's pretty good. I don't know.

But I also feel like that maybe is just too true to life. Yeah, that's true. The guy with all the cool toys and all the fancy gadgets and all the money is actually a giant jerk. Yeah. I still like the fix of him and the prince do like a buddy journey and they leave the princess alone who obviously likes hanging out with the demon. She was pretty happy there.

Yeah. I don't think she was under a curse so much as she probably summoned that demon on purpose. Mm-hmm. She was just. I think there was a crusty old man's out there somewhere that she didn't want to marry. And so she summoned a demon to take her away. She was just liberated. Yeah. She was just liberated.

That's not demon possession. Oh my God. There's no demon at all. That's the fix. There's no demon. There's no demon. She told that was the story she spread around before she abducted herself and moved into a castle elsewhere. She's like, now leave me alone, please. I'm demon possessed. You can't come over. Buddy prints. And then they can work together with all the cool stuff that they have. Ooh, or like a cool plot point would be that he like loses the cap. Ooh.

And what if the, like one of the giants got the cap? I like it. And the giant wasn't stupid anymore. And the giant became like smart. Super smart. And so we, and so then Jack actually has to use his wits. Like on the first giant to outsmart it. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. I like this. That's great. We got it. I think and then the prince can help him and they can work together. Oh, it would be so fun. That is really fun. I love friendship.

Or if the three-headed giant could get in there and be like. I love them bringing the three-headed giant along for this. Yeah. And the giant's like, I don't like all the violence. Mm-hmm. It's like a hippie three-headed giant. Yeah. Oh, I love friendship.

And I love, so maybe it's the final giant that gets a whole. hold of the cap. And then the three of them have to figure out how to out with him. Oh, I love that idea. Yeah. That's a really cool idea. And then the griffins definitely have to like get him and try flying away with them and they're fucking awesome.

And they tame the griffins instead. And they can ride them around. They sound so fucking badass. It sounds so fucking cool. Yeah. It sounds so cool. Iron, like, claws on their tails and shit. Oh.

Amazing. Yes, please. I want one of those. Yeah, that's pretty awesome. It was a good boy. What do we do? What do we do about the enchanter? Oh.

Like, because if the fight goes on longer, the enchanter probably gets involved. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Making an enchantress. Yes. And clearly she gets away and her and the princess get together. Oh, yes. Yes.

I don't know. They are two liberated, powerful women. Two badass ladies. Doing bad, bad, bad, nasty magic with each other. That's my things. I mean, obviously, we're fixing it for us. Right. Yeah, that's what I want.

And what we would almost always like is for the power of friendship and to be gayer. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, all my favorite things. And the cool Griffin stays alive. And the cool griffons stay alive because there was no reason for them to be like that. Yeah. I really love the story. I love the giant lore is so fun.

There's like so many cool things. And I want way more about the giant. Oh, I still want that part with the giant where he cuts his head in half. But instead of it like dying, it just turns into two heads. and they're like, thanks, fine. And they leave. They're like, we're going to go explore the world now that we can actually fucking do stuff. Yeah, we were under a curse to just share one head, which is why we were hanging out here eating the locals instead of going abroad and eating locals.

Yeah, exactly. They still have to be eating people. I love it. Obviously, but they can go eat some French people instead. We're going to go visit our uncle, our uncle in Scotland. Our uncle in Scotland. Um, hell yeah. So awesome. I love it.

So fun. Great story. Thank you for telling it to me. That was fantastic. You told it well. I love sword scaliber. Sword scaliber. I hate sword of sharpness. I don't know why that feels like insulting to the... Oh, because it's such a stupid name. Sword. Scalibur is also stupid, but like, it is funny. It's funny stupid though, as opposed to just boring stupid. Yeah.

Like, sort of sharpness is what, like, if you were playing, if you were playing with a seven-year-old, they would call their sword the sword of sharpness. I think it was just too, like, shoes of swiftness, cap of knowledge. Like, it's just a little too on the nose. And the sword deserves better than that, in my opinion. It does. Oh, and in other versions, I'm pretty sure King Arthur is the one who knights him.

Oh, that's pretty cool. So, I mean, he did get in the end. Good for Jack. So Jack's a badass. I think a lot of people believe that this is where either, I can't remember which came first, but the brave little Taylor is very connected to the story because seven will blow. I feel like the brave little Taylor might have came after as like a joke about the story.

All of Jack's feats are real. Like that's the story that the Brave Little Taylor was telling. Yeah. Because like Jack is, Jack is like legit a larger than life true hero. And then I think it definitely makes sense that seven and one blow would be making fun of this kind of character. That it was like, it actually was a lie.

Like, he didn't actually do any of that shit. Yep. Or he did, but it, but like, it's not technically a lie, but. That was funny. I love that story. We have, uh, if anyone's interested, we have done the Brave Taylor. Um, it was episode. Oh, it was a Patreon episode.

Oh. But we, but we, but I think we released it. We released it for a summer break. It's bonus episode 12. Summer break episode in June of 2024. Wow. It's called Good for Him.

Oh, my God. And that also has the Grateful Son. That was such a good story. There's a reason why we chose that one to release to the main feed. It's just too good. It's too good to keep behind a paywall. It also has the children of famine, which is so funny.

That was some good shit. I have to go back and listen to some of these episodes. They're so fun. These stories rule. Thanks for, agreed. Oh, I'm doing the outro, huh? Uh-huh. Okay.

These stories are so fucking good. I know. I fucking love doing this with you. I love reading each other these stories. They're so fucking crazy. They're so fun. All right. All right.

That's definitely going to do it for us today. Another long one. We hope you enjoyed. And again, always forever, huge shout out to Melissa for sending us Ruth Bannings-Sanders books. Thank you so much. Please go to Mabbs Media, buy them. Let us know if you need a link or something because they're the best books in the whole world. They're so good. They are. They're so fun. Thank you so much for listening to Ferry talefix. And if you enjoy the show, please subscribe, follow us, leave this review. You can also support. us at patreon.com forward slash fairy talefix pod and you'll get extra episodes. I think we're due for a bonus episode pretty soon. We are. You get stickers. You get a nice mermaid. A handmade envelope by me, probably or maybe I'll eventually buy envelopes. What else? Oh yeah. And you can find us on Instagram, the fairy tale fix pod. We'll post the, like,

illustrations from the story. And also let us know if there's a fairy tale you want to hear. You can email us at info at fairy talefixpod.com. And so a lot of things were different for Jack in our version of the story. But most importantly,

he and the prince and the three-headed giant embarked upon a buddy comedy adventure for the second half of the story. during which many things happened the giant that was sharing one head

they ended up hydraing so that the heads grew back separately and they were like oh sweet and then they ran off and they went and ate a lot of people in Scotland or France or somewhere good for them and as Jack the prince and the three had a giant continued their journeys

they ended up on the same mountain fighting all of the same cool, awesome metal shit that they did. But they actually fought them and it was really sick. It was just super fucking cool. And at some point, the giant gargantua. How can I remember? It won't stick in my brain. Yeah.

Gigantuela or something like that. Gigantuela so Thor. I don't. I don't remember his name. He had a super awesome name. Good for him. Love it. They had a much bigger part.

Jeez. They played a much bigger part. They had an epic battle during, at which point, Gargantia tour got the cap of knowledge and became super fucking smart. And then the three of them had to out with them. Oh, and they split. They split up the remaining artifacts among the three remaining champions. So Sharp Scalibur stayed with our hero, Jack. The three-headed giant got the shoes of swiftness

And the prince got the coat of darkness And they were able to slay the giant Meanwhile, the cool enchantress manages to go like, oh shit, this isn't my scene anymore. And she flies away on one of the griffins. Oh, hell yeah. the castle of the princess from the fourth chapter where they do nasty demon girl sex things to each other and they all lived

happily ever after the end the end