Fairy Tale Fix - 128: We Have Two Problems Here

Episode Date: August 19, 2026

Stan Bolovan & Auld Cruivie We’re back, baby! Rested, hydrated, and ready to make all your dreams come true: specifically the Dragon and Scary Tree related ones. Abbie kicks things off with the Romanian tale of Stan Bolovan from RMS’s Book of Dragons, followed immediately by Kelsey’s telling of Scottish folktale Auld Cruivie. We are confused but pleased to say that for once…the men are alright! Make sure to rate, review, and subscribe. You can find us on Instagram @fairytalefixpod, and chat with us on our Discord channel! Join our Patreon at patreon.com/fairytalefixpod and visit us at fairytalefixpod.com. Fairy Tale Fix Podcast is a Fantastic Worlds Production. Fairy Tale Fix is performed and produced by: Abbie Lammel (@bonanzafamine)Kelsey Horne (@monsieurcheval)With tremendous thanks to our good friend, Dustin Alexander In partnership with our Patreon producers: Melissa BuronTamra DerryDana DomkoCaroline DonhamAngel EspinozaGiselle M. InganCynthia LammelElizabeth MasoudLinda Kay PardonnetRabia SadiqDami SchlobohmJosie The Mountain Troll Books and other media mentioned in this episode: Check out all the books from the show here!A Book of DragonsWoodland Folk Tales of Britain and Ireland Fairy Tale Fix Podcast is a Fantastic Worlds Production.

Welcome to fairy tale fix. We are back from Hot Goblin Summer. Yeah, we are. I'm Kelsey. And this is the, what is this? It's a podcast. It is a podcast. Where we read each other classic fairy and folk tales from all around the world and quote unquote, fix them for you. So you can get your fairy tale fix. I don't want to be like, I was looking at myself in the mirror the other day, admiring my own beauty. Why wouldn't you though? You're so beautiful. I mean, I love looking at you. But it really, it really is neat like seeing the little changes in my face.

But I was like, I actually really like the like little lines forming and like, I don't know, your little smile lines, crows feet. Like finally becoming slowly becoming the old witch. I was always meant to be. Always destined to be. but also like I also I agree with you that I also do appreciate just the ways in which my face has started to sort of like finally wrinkle a little bit that because it just it looks I'm just like wow I just look really I look like all of the um I'm beginning to look like all of the baddies that I loved so much in movies and TV growing up of like women who were in there not that you and I are necessarily middle aged yet but that we're we're starting

to get there and we're starting to look like those women. And I just, I love it. I feel so confident. I feel so beautiful. I also feel like a couple of wrinkles on you makes people take you a little more seriously. Yeah, for sure. I've always had a younger looking face that it is kind of nice, like, feeling more respected at work and like, oh, you're not just a dumb kid anymore. You're not a dumb kid.

You might actually know what you're talking about. Your little forehead wrinkle when you frown tells me that. Yes. And don't get me wrong. There are plenty of things about aging that I totally crash out about and freak out about too. Totally. But lately it's been kind of nice. I like it.

Oh, I love it. Yeah, it's neat. That makes me so happy. Speaking of old witches. Yes. Yes. Excellent segue. Beauties.

Yes. Is the universe listening to us? because AMC Plus, which I do not have and I've never watched. I didn't even know that was a streaming channel. Oh, that's what interview with the vampires on. Oh, I watched it on something else, I think. Got it. But anyway.

Oh, Netflix, maybe. Sorry, that's beside the point. You're trying to talk about something else. This is going to come out in August, but we just saw, I literally just saw the trailer that dropped for Yaga, a Bama Yaga series coming up this October. So that's fucking exciting. I shared it immediately without doing any due diligence.

I watched the trailer and that is the extent of my knowledge. The trailer looks sick though. Like I am so excited. And also like I like how AMC Plus has handled most of their shows. Yeah. Where they've adapted something else or if they've come up with something on their own. There's a lot of AMC Plus shows that I think are good. Yeah.

So I'm excited to see. that they're doing this project. Yeah. And fucking, what was her name, Trinity? Yeah, Carrie Ann Moss is one of the cars. I know, amazing. Is she Babiaga? I feel like it's going to be multiple actors playing.

Absolutely. Because she, because Carrie Ann, like, I mean, everybody, you should just go and, like, watch the trailer. And truly, I feel like as a group, as a team, we really manifested this for ourselves. I think so. No team. We've been saying forever that that would be such a rich series. There's so much potential there. Yeah.

Sexy. And like, scary. Sexy, she might eat, she might eat you. She might help you. She might, she might,

she might, like, Oh my God. I'm really excited. So it's going to be a yoga autumn. Baba Yaga Autumn for sure. Very exciting. But yeah,

no, Kary Ann Moss stars. is starring at there's there's one person I didn't know in the main cast um but but the other other stars would be hudson williams of heated rivalry fame oh shit I haven't watched that yet well now I'm really excited to do that absolutely I'm excited to watch him do I'm excited to watch him do something really different yeah so that's exciting and then also uh Noah Reed who played um David's love interest in Schitts Creek. Oh, okay. I hadn't gotten that far in Schitts Creek. So, well, he played like so, so Dan Levy, who co-wrote and co-produce a show with Eugene Levy,

um, like gets a boyfriend about halfway through Schitt's Creek. Yeah, I think I've watched maybe like the first season. It's one of those ones that I haven't finished yet for some reason. I think he just really had to be in the mood. You do. It's, and it's one of those cringe comedies, especially in the first season where like, you really have to. You really have to. be in the mood for that. Yeah. Before you push through. But, but yeah, but so he gets, he gets an adorable boyfriend halfway through that show's run.

Yeah. And that's Noah Reed. Yeah, they get married. It's adorable. Oh, my God. It's so sweet. I love. Well, based on what I know about, you know, the shows that the other actors are in, I'm excited for this cast.

Me too. I think this is, I'm, I'm so excited about this. I cannot wait. It looks amazing. Everybody run to watch the trailer right now. Maybe we'll do a little watch party thing. I don't know. I'm really excited.

Anything with Baba Yaga, fuck yeah. Bring it to the forefront. Please. On board immediately. And the soundtrack for the trailer was really cool. Oh, yeah. So yeah. And everybody, I know this is like way after it's been out for a while, but please message us and let us know what you think.

We want to know if everybody's excited or if you're not, if you're skeptical. Yeah. I feel like the universe was listening to us, though. It's happening. I feel like the only thing the universe really fucked up with is they didn't consult us or our good friend Chadwick. I know. For the Young Award. No one asked us to help write it.

I know that's true. No one asked us to direct. They really should. They really should. They really should. That's the only thing the universe really missed on. So manifest harder. Yeah.

Everyone. I wonder, I need to look for more podcasts that go deeper into Baba Yaga lore because she's so great. Mm-hmm. Maybe that'll be our homework before the show. Yeah. Actually comes out. And do some more research and read some more stories. I definitely think we should read a bunch of Yaga stories before it comes out.

We should read a bunch of Yaga stories. Um, but you were, you were going to tell me about your recent crafting. Missap. Speaking of like old ladies and old lady activities, old witch activities. So one of the main things I'm doing during my Hot Goblin summer is crocheting. And I'm specifically crocheting Halloween granny squares to make like a cardigan because I really want that. I really got into like wanting to buy an old like 80s, 90s looking like ugly Halloween sweater thing. And I was like, why don't I just make it? I'll make my own. And so I started making granny squares that are Halloween. And I'm like, I'm so happy.

I have this relaxing hobby where like it's making me irate. Like I have been so angry because so many of these patterns, either the creator that makes the pattern, their video and their pattern, their written pattern, don't match. And it makes me so like irrationally, like, mad. Makes me so mad because I have to keep starting over and I'm like, what do you mean? Like put it in, that's not the second stitch. That's the corner stitch. What are you talking about? It's like making me really upset. And then also, another thing that's really pissing me off is many of them are AI generated crochet patterns that I'm finding. So they are not real. They do not work. The math is a mapping. Is crochet mostly math? I don't know.

anything about crochet. So you like make like you do it is a lot of math and that you have to keep track of how many stitches you're making like a cross because like you go back into that. So like say you have like three stitches in a row. You have to double crochet into each of those three stitches. But if you're going back and there are only two stitches, then you're supposed to have three, but there's only two to stitch into. And it's okay. It's yeah. I can see how that's rage bait. Yes. And so many of the patterns are fake. And also, also it's hard because I, it's hard to pay attention that much. I like to, you know, let my mind wander when I'm crocheting. I don't want to have to count. Watch TV. Exactly. I just have Bob's burgers on in the background. But anyway, it's been making me laugh how I've just been crashing out over crocheting. What have you been trying to crochet? I'm curious. I have done a bunch. I did a grow, a, uh, granny square that's like a spider web, a granny square that's an eyeball. The one that made me crash out was a candy, like a round candy, like just looks like a piece of Halloween candy on a

square. And that made me so upset because I ended up making two pieces, like crocheting two candies essentially. And they both didn't work. And then I finally finished one. And it was way too fucking big for a granny square. I even, like, I went to bed and I like was, I was, I was like talking to Adam and I'm just like, don't even talk to me. I'm in such a bad mood. Don't like leave me alone. Don't even talk to me. Don't talk to me.

I'm so mad. I can't do it. Oh no. But it's fine. So that's what I'm working on. I love it though. I've made some that I really like and I'm going to post it when I'm done. All the different squares.

I've seen some of the squares and they're really good. Like, I'm genuinely very impressed. Like, they look excellent. I can't wait to see, like, the finished product. Yeah. Me too. I'm excited to stitch them all together and use them. Yeah.

I just, sometimes you just need to take a craft break. Uh-huh. Especially when you're getting AI slop patterns that, like, literally don't work. No. They don't make any sense. And, like, or they work. One of them was. a skull. I followed an AI. I'm pretty sure it's an AI pattern anyway. A lot of people were commenting

that it was. And I realized it probably was after I made it. It didn't really work, but it worked well enough that it does kind of look like a skull. And I was like, yeah, okay, that's fine. I'm like good enough. Good enough. Yeah, close enough. But it doesn't look like the picture. It's anyway. Because it's not a real pattern. I mean, it's a real pattern in so far as it kind of worked. Yeah, I know I should just follow like the videos, but then you have to like really pay attention and And which is good too. It's good for me. I feel like I've been, you know, I haven't done any crocheting for really long time. So it's like getting back into a a thing where I'm learning. And it's a different pattern every time. So it's not just like kind of mindlessly doing the same thing over and over, which is also fun. But it's been kind of nice. I'm trying to use my brain.

Yeah. trying to use your brain as if you don't use your brain all the time. But anyway, yeah. What have you been up to? What's your hot goblin summer look like? Maybe I'm not using my brain enough because I just drew a giant blank. I've been reading books. That's great.

It has been great. Anything, any special book standout that you really like? Oh, so this is another book that I'm reading right now. It's called The Raven Tower. and it's great title it's a good title great um and this one's sort of about like it's a it's a very it's another it's another like very gendery book um and it's in its in its queerness it's got multiple like trans characters and it's sort of like a it's a fantasy retelling of hamlet um but there are like literal like one of the main characters is a literal god um who is observing the

other main character. So it's also, it's just told in a very interesting way. And it's kind of, it's like also a murder mystery. Like it's a very like, palace intrigue murder mystery. Oh yeah.

With, told from the point of view of a god who's, of a, a god who's just watching. There's, you know, there's no limit to imagination. There really isn't.

I love that so much. Yeah. So that's, But I'm audio booking that. I've been audio booking so much. I've got a whole Brandon Sanderson related rant that I can't remember if I've done it on a different episode or if I should do it the next time we record. It's long and I don't want to belabor this episode and not get into our stories because, oh boy, I've got some stuff to say. I'll just tell you later.

Okay. I really want to know. I want to hear everything. But yeah, we do have a few more very important announcements. Before we getting to the housekeeping updates. A huge announcement. Welcome to our new patron, Bina. Hoor-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo.

Heray, Bina. Thank you for joining. We appreciate it so much. We're so excited to have you here. And I also have an announcement that actually I read this book a while ago. My listener, Mai, sent us The Kings Equal, and I read it. And I'm really excited to send it to you. Oh my God, yes.

Remember we talked about this a little while ago. I am so excited to read this now that you've read it. Yeah. I need to send it to you, but it's so funny because it's like about this king or I guess technically it's about a prince and he's just such a fucking asshole. He is the worst. And he has to like, I don't know. It's kind of like his, the king dies and he wants to become the king, but he has to find

a princess that is his equal and he's such a narcissist. an asshole that it's like kind of a yeah exactly it's like kind of about that and it has such a great twist so before i like get super into it and it's a little too long to read on the podcast um but it's a really fun book my thank you so much for sending it to us i'm sorry it's take i think she sent it to us like a year ago probably or more and i read it like months ago and i just okay there's like not right we need to do our book swap then because i'm i need to send you this Princess kills monsters and then... Yes.

Like I said, there's too many things to do. There's so many things. Agreed. To read. I'm very excited to read that. I can't fucking wait. It's so good. It was really fun.

I really appreciate it. I love the art in it too. So... Okay. Oh, my God. There's art in it too. And I can't wait to hear what you think of the end because I feel like your fix will definitely be similar to mine, probably.

Is it controversial? Is it divisive? Yeah, well, I mean, I think it has a pretty classic fairy tale ending, but I want to give it a much darker, meaner ending. Hell yeah, that's our, I mean, that's our wheelhouse. That's our, that's our bread and butter. I think that's up for updates. Amazing. So I think it's now time. So speaking of Patreon people, speaking of books, people. speaking of books, people have sent us, speaking of folklore that we should be doing more of.

We got a note from one of our newer patrons. Franzi. That you know what? We're just not doing enough dragon content for Franzi. And you know what, Fronzie? I hear that. I respect it. You are correct.

I agree with you. You are correct, exactly. And Franzi. Oh, sorry, go on. No, no, you're going. No, you are, you are a very smart, a very smart and beautiful individual. And we appreciate you for bringing this up because really, when is the last time we did a dragon story? I can't remember.

And that means it's been too long. Uh-huh, uh-huh. So Franzi is objectively correct. And Franzi sent us a story recommendation too. Oh my gosh. And also I just want to throw out, they also wrote in their message about how they were inspired by a podcast to go and like read fairy tales with a group of friends. And I think that's so fun. Like what a fun hang out evening.

It's funny because I don't think about it because we do it all the time. Well, because that is like, but that is the main way that we hang out. It is. As we get together and read fairy tales. Yeah, that's so, like, what a cool idea to, like, hang out with your friends and, like, tell each other oral stories. Like, it's, like, so, it's so simple, but it's also so, like, ancient. Yes, exactly.

Like, there's something so special about that, I think. And it's a fun way to connect and, like, you pick a story that you like and tell your friend and then they do the same. Like, I don't know. I just, I love that so much. that's so cool. Agreed. And so I love that as an idea for like a friend hangout and a party.

It warms my heart so much to think that we maybe even inspired that a little bit. That's truly such an honor. So thank you so much. So I decided to cold read this one because neither of us have read it. And also I was inspired by our bonus episode releases over that like, We had so much fun, like I had so much fun cold reading The Six Servants with you. It's so fun. Sometimes it hits.

Sometimes it doesn't. But I feel like since this one was recommended to us, it's going to be a good one. It's going to, yeah, it's going to hit. Exactly. So this one's about like seven pages long. Okay. It's called the Yellow Dragon. It's from China.

And before I even turned to the page that it's on, We both get to make, I would say since it's seven pages, three predictions. Hell yeah. We haven't read the yellow dragon. No, okay. Oh, my God. It popped up in the show notes and it's because I just typed it in. I just typed it in.

I was really nervous. Okay. I do have a prediction. Once again, from everything I know about dragons, especially Chinese dragons. Important pearl. So this is the yellow dragon. One upon a time, there lived in China a farmer called Yin who had an only son called Wu. We've read this story.

We have? Uh-oh. Ww-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-what. What did we read it as? A dragon's favor. I think that might have been it because this is, I read it from my Chinese myths and fairy tales book. Oh, it came from a different book. Okay. Yeah.

That's so funny. That's super funny. Have we read all of the ones from a Book of Dragons? No, we definitely haven't. You know what? I'm just going to, we're just going to pick one. Okay. From there.

Francie! Franzi! You'll get there. You'll hear us do it. Unless they're all cut up. Unless maybe it's like slightly, it's probably read slightly different if it's in RMS. It's read very slightly differently, but it's, it's pretty much, it's pretty much exactly the same though, from me skimming through it. Okay.

We have done like half of this book already. Mm-hmm. But you know what? I think what I'm going to do is I'm going to do an old, an old standby trick when we're doing a cold read. Yeah. Which is, which of these stories is just some guy's name. Yes. So that's the best way to do it.

Those are usually the best stories. Those stories usually are incredible, but we never pick them because the name is so crazy. So Stan Bolivan is what we're going to read today. Okay. Check to make sure we haven't done that already. I don't really stand. You know, that does kind of sound familiar. It does sound vaguely familiar.

Maybe we've done Stan Bolivam. How do you spell his last name? B-O-L-O-V-A-A-A-A. B-O Sorry, B-O-L B-O-O-V-A-N Stan Bolivan I'm not seeing any bolivans

delightful Okay, that, this is a Romanian story Okay It's also medium-mish length Have we've done, we've done Romania, I think, before Or do we need to do a geography corner? Let's do a geography corner

anyway. Just for fun. Yeah. Because just because he told me doesn't mean I remember. Nor I. Okay. Okay. Friends. Listeners.

Other geographically challenged individuals, especially if you were raised in these United States. Yeah. Romania is a Eastern European country. It is just above Bulgaria and Serbia.

And it's also bordered to the northwest by Hungary and to the northeast by Moldova and Ukraine. And it also has a little bit of a coastline in the Black Sea. Let me look at that. Yeah. Would you look at that? So that is where we are located. Hell yeah.

For this story. I love it. Yeah, me too. So... That's Slavic, isn't it? What's considered Slavic? I think Slavic is more like Ukraine upward. Okay, no.

Well, am I wrong? Did you Google it? I did Google it. Although I question Google sometimes, aren't all the time, but it says Romania is not Slavic. It's a romance-speaking country with a Latin-based heritage. Yeah. That was my understanding because it's like, it's still fairly close to like Greece and Turkey. Yeah.

Okay. So like I would consider it like adjacent to the Slavic countries, but we're not there yet. Yeah. It sits surrounded by Slavic countries. Yes. Yeah. Cool. Okay.

Super cool. Okay. So that's that's Romania. That is where Romania exists in the world, friends. And we are going to read the story. Stan Bolivan. Kelsey, take it away with what you think Stan Bolivan is about. Okay.

Ooh, this is very different. This is very different. I imagine the vibes are going to be quite different than the yellow dragon. Now I'm not so sure that the dragons are going to be benevolent. you know what now I'm going to predict the dragons a real pain in the ass that's a great prediction because like I feel like because we've read a couple of Greek dragon stories and not that like Romania

Romania is not Mediterranean like it's not the same kind of culture but I don't know I just I feel I feel like pain in the ass dragon is probably going to be yeah I feel like that's usually it when it comes to dragons that aren't from China. Okay. Dragons are a real pain in the ass.

But that's not always true. We did have the wonderful shirt, and that dragon rules my heart and soul. So good. So anyway. But that's a Slavic dragon. That's true. So my second prediction is that

Stan Boulevan needs to learn some lessons. Okay. Yeah, he probably does. That's my guess. He's a little bit of a troublemaker maybe. Absolutely. My third prediction is there's a witch. I want a witch and a dragon. Okay. I love it. I hope we get that. Me too. Stan Bolivan says his name 3,000 times

hyperbole I like it Stan I think Stan Well did you already predict the Stan Stan's a problem Yeah I predicted that he has a problem The dragon's a problem

Stan Bolivan has some lessons to learn Yes okay But that's kind of the same thing It's kind of the same thing That's why it kind of panked weird to me Um Stan Bolivan is the village idiot Village idiot

I really hope that's true Um yeah that's kind of and needs to learn some lessons I don't know why I now kind of have like an Irish story going at my head a little bit Yeah I'm trying to think myself out of it

There's a there's gonna be a princess Okay in there somewhere Is that three? I hope there is a princess and I hope she's a witch. Me too. That would be fun. And her and the dragon are...

Well, no, I want the dragon to be a pain in the ass, so they can't be friends. Anyway. Maybe she identifies as a pain in the ass. She's a dragon, a witch, and a princess. All in one. Somebody write that story, please. Please and thanks. Please.

Well, I mean, someone kind of did once. Did you ever read Dealing with Dragons as a kid? No. It's an awesome. You're a favorite. I should get that. I want to check it out. Fantastic Children's book about a princess who gets kidnapped on purpose so that she

doesn't have to marry anybody. You know what I just realized too? What? I just described Mad Men and Mim. And Maleficent. Yes. The dragons are all pain in the ass. It's a witch and it's a dragon.

She is a witch, except not a princess, I guess. And a problem. You know what? Close enough. Close enough. She's a queen. She's a queen.

Damn it. That's better than a princess. That's way better. Okay. Stan Bolivan. Once upon a time, there was a man called Stan Bolivan. He had a little house and he had a little orchard and he had a good little cow and he had a good little wife.

That's nice. And if the wife comes last, it's not because she was leased, but because whilst his little house and his little orchard and his little cow made Stan feel happy, his wife made him feel unhappy because she was always crying like bitches do. Episode title idea like bitches do. She cried after breakfast. She cried after dinner. She cried after supper.

She cried when she went to bed. And she wouldn't tell Stan what she was crying about. And that was the worst of it. Oh, she has depression. She is depressed, Stan. She needs to go to therapy. She needs therapy, Stan. Oh, no.

Well, you know, I kind of feel really bad for them both, actually, in this. Yeah, no. It's also hard to be a partner of someone with depressed. So that's valid. Yeah. It's super valid. Because you don't know how to help them. Yeah.

And especially like in this medieval period before the invention of like therapy and better life through chemistry pharmaceuticals. She also might not even have depression and just be crying because life is so hard. And also life is hard. Damn. Like we I feel like that we don't talk about that enough, which is like you know what? you don't even need to be like chemically imbalanced, depressed to be crying all the time. Yep. Around here.

Life is hard. Bidges be crying. And bitches be crying. I feel like the episode title. It actually makes me think of how you cry everything. Yes. I'm a crier. I cry constantly.

That's very cute though. I like, but you're not all the time. This is obviously a problem. Right. Yeah, she's a problem. I'm not a problem. No. My constant crying is... You're adorable. Adorable. Happy tears, sad tears. That's just... Angry tears, frustrated tears, tired tears, hungry tears. I'm still a giant baby is what I'm trying to say. An infant. Someone take care of. of me. Okay. Anyway, so she won't tell Stan

why she's crying. Don't bother, she said, leave me alone. You wouldn't understand. It's the cruching. She just can't fucking get these patterns right. Her hobbies are pissing her off.

Don't fucking talk to me. Don't fucking talk to me. Oh, don't bother. She said, But Stan did bother. He bothered after breakfast. He bothered after dinner.

He bothered after supper. He bothered when he went to bed. Until at last she did tell him. And what do you think? She was crying because they had no children. Oh. Yeah. That's really sad.

Aw. Yeah, that's so tough. That's tough. That's tough. And Stan, he seems like a good guy. Stan does seem like a good guy. like a good guy. I mean,

look, the bar is on the floor, but he did clear it with caring that she's crying a lot. One gnail how she's doing and stuff. Yeah. Stan hadn't thought anything about it before, but now that he did think about it, it did seem to him to be a great pity.

It made him very sad, and he felt like crying. There they were now the two of them, both miserable. So one day, Stan took a journey to consult a magician. Great idea. A plus. Oh, fuck.

I almost said magician instead of witch. Fuck. But I didn't. Well, you didn't. Magic person is what I should have said. Stop assigning gender. I really need to. That's heteronormative of me.

It's very, very, very, very, very beautiful. But you know what? I specifically want a witch, okay? I know. I don't want a wizard. I don't want a magician. I want a mean old witch. You're not getting one. Sorry.

A crafty musician. Not musician. Magician. The magician was sitting on the steps outside his door. He was wearing a robe patterned with suns and moons and stars like Mickey and Fantasia. He had a big, right? He had a big crystal globe on his knees and he was looking down into this crystal globe have been twiddling his thumbs while Stan told of the sorrow of himself and his wife.

His wife needs a name, it just occurred to me. What do we want to call her? What's a Romanian name? Oh, I have no idea. Just Google one. Google a girl's name. Romanian names. Okay, here are the top girl names.

I mean, it doesn't need to be a girl name, but whatever. It could be Maria, Elena, Iowaana. Let's do Iowaana. I like Iowana. I love it. Okay. Iowana. When Stan had told all.

I want to be crying. Sorry. I'm sure that's how you pronounce it. Gosh, no, I'm not, but we're doing it. Okay. I love it. Don't be sorry. I think that's hilarious.

Apologies to any Romanians. who ever listened to this. Yes. So sorry. Stan told of the sorrow of himself and Iwana. When Stan had told all, the magician stopped twiddling his thumbs and drew his forefinger across the crystal globe

as if he was tracing a picture in it. Said he, are you sure what you're asking for? Children can be a great burden. Yep. That's a fact. You got to be sure. Yeah.

Only have children if you are 100% gung ho about it. I mean, she was crying nonstop. I feel like she's thought about a lot. Yeah, she really wants to be a parent very badly. Stan said, sorrow is a greater burden. A joyful burden is but a light one. Only give us children.

And he fell on his knees at the magician's feet and kept crying out, give us children, my lord, give us children. Oh, all right. I said the magician, have it your way. And he took his crystal globe under his arm and went into his house and shut the door. This is great. I love it. He just brings out some babies.

He's like, here you go. Here you go. How many you want. Stan was tired and Stan was hot and Stan was dusty before he got home that evening. But all the same, the sorrow was lifted from his heart. And when he drew near his little house, he heard a clear ringing laugh. and that was Aywana's laugh that he hadn't heard for long enough

he heard other sounds too a chattering and a chirruping and a clapping of hands and a patter of feet and when he turned the corner of the lane and came into view of his little house and his little garden and his little orchard what did he see Kelsey

Bibis Bibies Bibies what did he not see children in the orchard children in the garden children tumbling out through the door, children crowding in at every window. Amazing.

Amazing. Suddenly they're running a daycare center. And all of them the same size and all of them very little and very fat and very impudent looking. And all of them laughing and shouting and not one of them with a stitch of clothing to bless itself with. And in the midst of this crowd of little children stood his wife laughing as merrily as any of them. See, that's my nightmare. Yeah.

At my absolute nightmare. If you came home to your house overrun with little children. I would turn around and leave. I'd leave. I'd go find a bar somewhere until they decided to go home to whoever's children they actually are. Those can't be mine. But Stan loves it. And so does.

Really? I thought he was going to be like freaking out. He is freaking out a little bit. I'm sorry. His wife loves it. Oh, okay, okay. Heaven's alive, exclaimed Stan. How many of them are there?

A hundred at least. But not one too many left his wife. A hundred and one naked children. Yeah. Instead of fucking Dalmatians. Make that cartoon, Disney. We dare you. Well, maybe not, but a hundred children needed some feeding and some clothing.

And very soon the children had eaten up all there was to eat. And Stan's wife had cut up all her petticoats and chemises to make little garments for them. And still they were half of them naked. And though Stan was very happy and his wife was happy, yet when he heard the children crying out, Daddy, I'm hungry. Well, it was time to think a bit. I should have specified to the magician what you meant by children. Yep. So Stan scratched his head and thought.

Oh, my God. Okay. I was just thinking about where is the dragon? Where is the dragon going to come up in this? Where, okay, let's both make a... Is the dragon going to come and eat half these children? Ooh, I think the dragon is going to offer to eat half the children. Oh, my God.

Oh, no. No, no. Sorry, retraction. The dragon's going to give Stan a job. Hell yeah. Stan obviously needs a job to feed this huge family. Oh, my God. Okay. Is your prediction the dragon is going to eat the children?

I don't really think that's going to happen. But I really don't know what I really have no idea. And I don't think we're going to find out for a minute. Okay. So Stan scratched his head and thought and thought, and then he said, old woman, this won't do. I'll have to go out into the world and find something to eat. He was very hungry himself, truth be known, for all the cow's milk had been given to the children. And the children had eaten all the little green apples off the trees in the orchard.

And his wife had made up every scrap of flour into little cakes for them. And Stan hadn't eaten a morsel himself since goodness knows when. So off he went. and the way seemed very long. Bye. Because he didn't know exactly where he was going. And towards evening he came to a great sheepfold and a shepherd was driving the ewes and lambs

into the fold for the night. If I wait until dark, thought Stan, I might be able to pick up a lamb or two and carry them home. I know it's not exactly right, but then with a hundred hungry children, what can a man do? Thievery is sometimes the only thing it can do.

And I don't think Two lambs is even going to cover that. I don't think. I think the children will eat those lambs. A hundred children? Yeah. That's... That's not going to do it, but, you know.

But he's trying. He hit himself and waited until night. There was a moon, but there were also clouds. And Stan was waiting till the clouds should come up over the moon when he heard, yes, a rushing sound. And down through the air swooped a dragon. Yes. Yes. The dragon scooped up four lambs, one in each of his feet,

and took two ewes in his jaws and flew off again. Now there was pandemonium in the sheepfold. Lambs bleeding, sheep's buying. And the poor frightened creatures jumping over hurdles and running in all directions. The shepherd was shouting and running. his dog was barking and rounding up the sheep and Stan was puffing and panting for he was rather fat

and doing what he could to help when the sheep were back at the fold Stan and the shepherd sat down side by side and the shepherd began to beat the ground with his fists and wail every night it's the same he wailed every night that dragon comes to rob me and soon I shan't have a sheep left

Stan's like oh no stealing sheep That's horrible. That's horrible. Who would do such a thing? That evil, bad, naughty dragon. Mm-hmm. So Stan had been helping himself to some of the shepherd's bread and cheese

and taking swigs from the shepherd's water bottle. Now with food inside him, he was feeling equal to anything and a very bold thought game to him. I love this. Will you give me if I rid you of that dragon, he said. Three fine fat rams and one of every three sheep and one of every three lambs, said the shepherd. And a bit of food for myself to keep me going till the dragon comes again. As much food as you can eat, said the shepherd.

Well then, that's a bargain, said Stan. Oh, Stan. Oh, Stan. I love Stan. I think Stan's great. Stan's had too much wine. Stan has had too much wine. Stan hadn't a notion of how he was going to get rid of the dragon,

but he was so grateful to have plenty to eat that he spent the next day happily enough with the shepherd. It was only when night came and the moon rose up clear and full in a cloudless sky that he began to feel a quaking of terror in his stomach. Mm-hmm. By and by the quakings became so unbearable that he was all but running off into the night and making for home. It was only the picture of all of those children, all clamoring for food that kept him waiting for the dragon. Aw.

Yeah. He's got mouths to feed. He's got mouths to feed. Also, you know, I hope I, I wantia's happy with the side of the job that she got. Right? Yeah, she's stuck there. Like, she has to listen to them.

She has to listen to all this clamoring. Like, honestly, I think Stan is really happy that he got the hunting for, the dragon part of the deal. At least he's not just outright abandoning the family, though. Yes. Absolutely. Again, the bar is on the floor.

I stand, Stan. He is rising to the occasion. He is figuring out how to solve the problem. Love that. Yeah, me too. And I also love that he's like, yeah, now that I've had some food, I think I can kill a dragon. This is like that question.

Have you heard that like if you ask like any man? Like do you think you could land a plane? Like 90% of them say yes, even though they have like zero experience. I think I could kill a dragon. I could totally kill a dragon. I can do it. How hard could it be? I think I want.

It's an emergency. I can figure it out. Mm-hmm. Which I do appreciate the can do attitude. Totally. You know what? In an emergency, you want to have that sort of... You want to have that sort of...

Delusional optimism. Yeah, a delusional optimism, yes. So it's... Good job, Stan. So at midnight came the rushing sound, and down through the air swooped the dragon with the moon shining on his scaly back and lighting up the horns on his head

and the cruel spikes on his wings. He sounds awesome. Hell, yeah. Oh, is there an illustri? an illustration of the dragon? No, no, nothing yet. Nothing. Come on, Robin.

Nothing yet. Come on, Robin. Don't let us down. Show us one of those derpy dragons. He would do the dragon so dirty. Now or never thought Stan, and he stood up boldly at the gate of the sheepfold and shouted, Stop. Dude, this dragon's totally going to give Stan a job.

Right. I feel like this. The dragon's going to be like, Excuse me. Excuse you. You're a bold fellow. Uh-huh. How would you like a job?

How would you like a job? I like your moxie. You got moxie, kid. The dragon clattered to the ground and stood there staring. Well, I never, said he. And who may you be? Who's talking to me? I love it.

And Stan answered, I am Stan Bolivan, the great Stan Bolivan who eats rocks all night and in the daytime gobbles up the flowers in the mountains. And if you touch those sheep, I will gobble up you. Hot damn, I love it. Damn, Stan. Delusional optimism that this is a good plan and it will work. You'll have to fight me first, says. the dragon. Oh no, actually, I have to do a different line reading. You'll have to fight me first, said the dragon, but his voice trembled a little because for all his vicious look, he was a coward at heart.

Aw, little baby. Fight you, bellowed Stan. What next? Don't you know that I can kill you with one breath? I and carry your corpse into the mountains and make you into a sandwich with my flowers. with my flowers. The dragon was really frightened now. Well, good night, he said hastily. Hey, hey, not so fast, said Stan. You and I have an account to settle. What for?

For the sheep you've stolen, they all belong to me. That fellow you see skulking behind a bush yonder is only one of my hired shepherds, so pay up, or it will be the worst for you. Well, I'm really actually, you know what? I'm starting to feel bad for this dragon. Because the dragon doesn't have any money. Oh, no. I know.

How's he supposed to be doing this job? The dragon needs a job. Roll reversal. Uh-huh. Oh, man. And the dragon was just doing what dragons do? What would you say? I did not see that coming.

Me neither. And like also dragons do like he need the dragons got to eat too just as much as those kids. He should go eat those kids. A hundred is too many kids. I'm, you know what? I'm just, I'm just saying and I know this is dark. Parents plug your ears. But I, we have two problems here.

And they could be solved with each other. I'm obviously getting. We're kidding. So the dragon doesn't have any money. And he was turning yellow with fright. Oh, hey, it's another yellow dragon. It is another yellow dragon. See, we delivered.

You're welcome, Franzi. He thought the great Stan Bolivan was going to make him into mince meat and put him in a sandwich to eat with his flowers. Tell you what, he said. You come along home with me, and my mom has bags of money. If you'll stay with us for three days and keep her in good temper by helping her with this and that, I can promise you she'll give you seven sacks full of ducats a day. Mommy dragon?

Mommy dragon. Okay. Okay. To live for three days with two dragons, Stan didn't fancy it. but when he thought of 21 sacks full of ducats and of the food it would buy for all those hungry children, he said, all right, I'll come. What a good dad. Good dad. Honestly, big fan of everyone in the story so far.

Yeah, because I feel like Mommy Dragon is going to know. She's got to know. She's not going to be easily as duped as. I don't think mom. I don't think Mama Dragon is going to. be as scared of some guy saying, I'll make you a flower sandwich. So off they went, Stan and the dragon to the dragon's house. And when they got near it, Stan could see the old mother dragon looking out and her great eyes were shining like two

lamps and lighting up the path and the trees and the very blades of grass. She sounds awesome. Yeah, it does. She's also, as you predicted, not stoked and not fooled. What? She called out, no, sheep! And she flew into a rage and flames and sparks came out of her nostrils. My mother's a bit of a tartar, whispered the dragon to stand.

You'd best stay where you are and I'll go in and I'll explain things to her. Aw, I love this dragon. He's cute. He's so cute. You. Stan was glad enough to stay where he was. The dragon and his mother went into the house. And again, Stan thought he would run away.

And then again, he thought of his hungry children had he waited. He's such a good dad. Good job, Stan. He's beginning to rise far above the bar. I feel like dealing with two fire breathing dragons in an effort to feed your hungry children is pretty, you know. That's pretty brave stuff, actually. It is, it's very brave. We love Stan Bolivant.

I stand, Stan. Inside the house, the dragon was whispering to his mother, I've brought home a most terrible fellow. He eats rocks and makes dragons into sandwiches. We must get rid of him somehow. The mother dragon gave a yelp of laughter that shook the house. I love her.

Me too. You just leave him to me. fix him. So the dragon called Stan in. Stan didn't sleep well that night, though they gave him a tremendous bed with a feather mattress that billowed up all around him like the waves of the sea. But he kept dreaming that the mother dragon was setting the bed on fire with the lamps of her eyes. Hell yes.

In the morning, she said to him, I would like to see which is the stronger. You are my son. And she took down an enormous club bound round with seven hoops of iron. Now, try which one of you can throw this the farthest. Hell yeah. Just eat him. Yeah, just eat him.

I like her playing with him. She's like, you know what's funny? It really is the dragon that has some lessons to learn. It really, oh my God, that's so true. It's not Stan. It's the dragon. It's the dragon. which like don't believe people.

Yeah. Especially not tiny humans. Tiny puny humans. The dragon took the club and went to the door. He twirled the club. He twirled the club lightly three times round his head. He gave it a fling and it fell to the ground three miles away. Wow.

He and Stan walked after it and there it lay half buried in the ground. Stan knew that even if he had six. seven strong men to help him. He could never so much as lift it. So he stood looking down on it. So he still looking down at it and sighed. What a pity, he said. What's a pity? said the dragon. It's such a beautiful club, said Stan. I was thinking it's a terrible pity. It should cause your death. What do you mean my death? cried the dragon. It's this way, said Stan. Whatever I throw always comes back to me. because my hands are like magnets. There you go.

I love Stan. It wouldn't hurt me, of course. I'm too strong, but it might hit you on the head in passing, and then it would crack your skull. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It's a darn shame.

That's a darn shame. Oh, well, you needn't be in a hurry to throw, after all, so the dragon, let's have something to eat first. And obviously Stan loves that idea. Hell yeah. I'll wait all day if you like, said Stan. I'm not in a hurry to crack your skull. So the dragon went home and fetched a pile of food and they sat by the club and feasted

until night came. And then Stan stood up and stared at the sky. Said the dragon, what are you looking at? At the moon, said Stan. I'm waiting for it to go down in the sky. Don't you see it's exactly in my way? But of course, if you're in a hurry, I mean, I'll throw up the club now. mind you, it will land slap in the moon and I expect it'll stick there.

You don't mind losing it, I suppose. It's given like the brave Taylor. It is. It's one of those contest stories. Yeah, I love it so much. Yeah. I wonder if Stan is just Romanian Jack. Pretty much.

Yep. It sounds like it. Yep. We'll add him to the Ivan and Jack. Yeah. You know. Universe. Universe.

Stan. The dragon did mind losing his club. It had been left to him by his grandfather, and he prized it. I love these dragons that live in a house and have very human family structures. It's so cute. Very cute. I don't know why I'm imagining this dragon to be very young. Oh, yeah.

I'm definitely thinking he's like a young dragon. Whatever, whatever that means for dragons. Yeah. Yeah. Just young and gull. Mm-hmm. Don't throw it, he said. Oh, but I must, says Stan.

Your mother said so. It was to be a trial of strength. Well, let me throw it for you, said the dragon. She'll never know. Oh, she'll never know. Oh, my goodness. I think she's going to know. I want them to become friends now.

Me too. I think Stan should have a dragon bestie. Yeah. But Stan said no and kept on saying no Until at last the dragon offered him Seven sacks full of ducats Not to throw the club to the moon And Stan said

Oh, okay Deal I guess And the dragon Picked up the club and threw it back towards the house And it landed a mile behind the house Three miles to you and four miles to me said Stan I win

Yes, you win, said the dragon gloomily. So now I feel bad like they're taking advantage of the poor little guy. Yeah, really. I mean, and he doesn't really have a choice to be fair. To be fair. But, you know. He wants to live. And he's got a hundred children to feed.

And a very happy wife. Yes. Blissful. I hope she's happy. I mean, she's probably pretty hungry too at this point, though. Mm-hmm. So he went And he went galloping into the house

And told his mother That he had all the difficulty in the world To prevent Stan from throwing the club to the moon Oh dear The mother dragon began to feel a bit frightened too Next morning she said Now you two go and fetch me some water And she gave them 12 buffalo skins

And told them to go on filling them till night They went to the spring And the dragon filled the 12 skins carried them home and brought them back empty. Now it's your turn, he said to Stan. Stan took a knife from his pocket and began to scratch up the earth around the spring. Said the dragon, what are you doing? Digging up the spring, said Stan.

It's a waste of time carrying water in little skinfuls. Might as well carry the whole lot at once. No, you mustn't do that, cried the dragon. My granddaddy made that spring. Leave it alone. Here, I'll carry your skins for you. So sentimental. So sentimental about his granddaddy.

Mm-hmm. It's very sweet. Yeah. No, said Stan, and went on with his digging. So in the end, the dragon offered Stan another seven sacks full of duckets not to dig up the spring. And Stan said, all right. And the dragon carried the skins full of water all day. And in the evening, he was tired and crossed.

But Stan lay and snored on his feather bed. He had only to stay with the dragons for another 24 hours, and he felt like he was getting the better of him. He really is. And he's not wrong. Yeah. Yeah. The next morning, the old mother dragon told them to go to the forest and fetch her some wood. So they went to the forest and the dragon began pulling up the trees as if they were small sticks and laying them neatly in rows.

But Stan climbed to the top of a tree that had a wild vine trailed about it. They tied the top of the tree to the top of the next tree with the vine. And the dragon asks, what are you doing? and Stan says tying the trees together saves time then I can take the whole forest back in one go No no cried the dragon My granddaddy planted this forest I love how much of a landscaper his granddaddy was

Sounds like he really did a lot He did a lot And less of like the pillaging type dragon And more of the conscientiously planting trees and carving up springs and stuff kind of granddad. Living off the earth. Mm-hmm. Living off the land.

Yeah, exactly. It's cool. Cowboy dragon. Cowboy hippie dragon. Hellboy hippie. I won't, said Stan. I'm not going to run backwards and forwards worth two or three trees at a time. What a waste.

So the dragon offered Stan seven times seven sacks full of ducats to leave the forest alone. And Stan said, okay. And the dragon ran backwards and forwards all day carrying the firewood home and Stan spent a lazy day watching him. So the third day came to an end and in the morning Stan would be free to go home with three sacks full of ducats for each day and seven more sacks full of ducats for not throwing the club to the moon. and seven more for not digging up the spring and seven times seven more for not pulling up the forest and the only thing that troubled him was

how he's going to get all that money home. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Heavy. And he's not that strong. Yeah. So how do we think he's going to solve this problem? The webs we weave.

Oh, the webs we weave. This is why like keep your lies consistent and as close to the truth as possible. I mean, I assume he's just going to trick the dragon into carrying it for him somehow. Carrying it home somehow. Yeah. But that night, when Stan had gone to bed, the dragon and his mother sat in the parlor and had a long talk.

And Stan put his ear to the floorboards and listened. We shall be ruined, wailed the dragon. No, we shan't, said the old mother. What can we do, wailed the dragon? You must kill him, obviously. Obviously, you should have done that from the get-go. We should have done that from the get-go. Jump Street. This guy should be dead.

I darts, wailed the dragon. He's too strong. He'll kill me. No, he won't, said the old mother. You wait till he's asleep and then take your granddaddy's club and hit him on the head. Oh, will you? Thoughts, Dan. The dragon and his mother blew out the candles and went to bed and wait till you hear him snoring, whispered the old mother. But Stan got up and fetched the pigs trawl, filled it with Earth, laid it on his bed, and covered it up with the blankets. And then he got under the bed and began to snore loudly.

And this is the point at which I think I will show you that we did get a derby Robin Jacques Dragon. Oh, hell yeah. What the fuck? Yeah. Oh, no. And then there's Stan under the bed. That. Oh, no.

Yeah. It's a terrible dragon. Everyone, this dragon has like a fat pot belly. He's holding up the club like with human looking hands and he's the longest snout. Mm-hmm. And like those weird kind of like little alien antenna things. Yeah, they look like alien eyestock horns. With like big angel wings.

Yeah. Oh gosh. another classic Robin jock crazy looking dragon Oh my gosh Kelsey I don't know if you saw it I only just noticed it But there's like a little family portrait hung over the bed Of the dragon's of the dragon family Cute

That's cute actually My grand daddy I love it If Stan wasn't such a cool dude It didn't have so many kids to feed at home I would say ah kill him Right Who cares

Who cares? But I kind of, I like Stan. Yeah. Doing it for his family. He's not doing it just to like fuck with the dragons. He's not doing it just because he's a dick. He's got, he's got a family to feed, you know? Yeah.

I respect him. Yeah, me too. Okay. So the dragon kept tiptoeing in with the club. He brought the club down with a tremendous whack on top of the pig straw. And from under the bed, Stan gave a tremendous groan. The dragon went tiptoeing out again, and when Stan heard his snores shaking the house, he got up, carried the pig's trough down to the yard, and made everything tidy. In the morning, when Stan came down to breakfast, the dragon and his mother gaited as if they were seeing a ghost.

How, uh, how did you sleep? stammered the dragon. Not too bad, said Stan. A rat ran over my face and tickled me with his tail, but I caught him and sent him about his business. I don't think he'll trouble me tonight. Tonight, gasped the dragon. I thought you were going home this morning. No, said Stan. I find myself pretty comfortable here, so I've decided to stay on for a bit.

The dragon and his mother went into another room and began to quarrel. It's all your fault. Why did you ever bring him here? said the mother dragon. As if I could help it, said her son. He was going to make me a sandwich. Is that like in all caps? Yeah, that's so good.

You've ruined me, said his mother. I'll have to give him all the gold I've got. Better be ruined than let him stay another hour, said the son. So the mother dragon fetched all the sacks she could lay hands on and began cramming them full of ducats. We're but simple folk, she said to Stan, and though we've enjoyed your company, we're not used to visitors. In fact, my son and I are thinking of going to the seaside for a change. So here's a little present for you. Stan stood and stared at the sacks full of ducats.

There were 83 of them, all bursting full of gold pieces. Wow. Yeah. Noice. What are you? Noose. What are you waiting for? Said the dragon.

I was just thinking, said Stan. What will my people say when I arrive home with that miserable little lot. They'll say, the great Stan Bolivant has been away only three days and he's come home, weak as a dragon. No, I couldn't do it. I'll have to stay. I love weak as a dragon. Uh-huh. That's funny. That's funny. Rude. Super rude. Professional gas lighter. Absolutely. That's another great title idea. The dragon gave a shriek and his mother gave a shriek, and they said Stan should have seven times as many sacks or even seven times seven as many, if only he would go home.

Well, well, said Stan, I see you don't want me to stay, and I'm not the kind of fellow to make myself disagreeable. So I'll go, but only on one condition. Any condition. What is the condition? Shrieked the dragon. That you carry the sacks home from me yourself, said Stan. Then I shan't be put to shame before my friends.

In an instant, the dragon was seizing up the sacks in his claws and piling them on his back. Well, goodbye, said Stan to the mother dragon. And thank you for your hospitality. Don't mention it, said she, and slammed the door in his face and locked it. So Stan and the dragon walked off towards Stan's home. And when they got near, Stan could hear his children shouting. All hundred of them. All hundred.

of them. That's a loud, that's loud. Mm-hmm. Said he to the dragon, my dear friend, I'm feeling rather worried about you. I have a hundred children and they're all as strong as I am. They don't mean any harm, of course, but they are rather rough. And in their playfulness, they might tear you to pieces. Torn to pieces by a hundred little Stan Bolivans.

A hundred little Stan Bolivans. A hundred little Stans. The dragon trembled so much that he let all the sacks tumble to the ground. And then the children who had heard Stan's voice and who were, moreover, exceedingly hungry. Having had nothing to eat since Stan went away, came rushing out, waving their knives and forks and shouting, Give us something to eat. We will have something to eat. Oh, my God.

It's a hundred kids. Terrifying. Screaming for food, waving knives. Three days without eating anything, too. They're real. They're starving. Kids need food. This magician is a problem. It's a problem. I think we found the real problem. Yes. I think the dragon needs to eat this magician.

Ooh, I like that as a fix. That's a fun one. Yeah. The cause of all of their problems is this magician. Mm-hmm. Because he sure took Stan's request. Like he took, he did the letter of it, but not the spirit of the request. Yeah. I told you began Stan, but the dragon didn't wait to be told anything. He gave a loud scream and rushed away, vowing to himself that he would never come near Stan's house again.

Uh-huh, fair. Yeah, fair enough. You should have done that sooner. Because Stan's a professional gas lighter. Yeah, yes. So Stan and what did we name the wife? Iowa. Iwana.

So Stan and Iowana and their hundred children gathered up the gold and had plenty to eat and plenty to wear and plenty to spend for the rest of their lives, the end. Wow. Wow. A hundred kids. One hundred kids. Oof. Woo.

That's quite a bit. That's many, many. What an interesting, what an interesting fairy tale. Yeah. I was not expecting that. Me neither. Any of it. The ones that are just about, just about some guy are always really fascinating. Yeah, they are. It's like, you never pick that one because it's just like, oh, that's a name, but they're always. Yeah. Really fun. A wild ride. Yeah, that was a ride. Um, what are, how do we fix this ride outside of O'any's name? Iowana's name. I definitely think the dragon should have eaten the magician. Yes.

Because the magician's a jerk. Just. Yes. A real problem. A real problem. But I don't know. I mean, it was cute. It's funny.

I mean, I kind of wish that the mother had the mother dragon. hadn't been tricked as well. But also I did want Stan to get money for his kids because he really needed it. He really needed that money. I think I think that like, because I like Stan, and I think Stan is doing a good. Yeah. And I like the way he stits. I like the way he stands by his family. I like the way that he, you know, persisted in finding out what, like, why his wife was sad. And then he, then he found a solution to that problem. And then when that, solution turned out to bring a hundred more problems. He found a solution to that problem.

Yeah. I like Stan. I'm glad Stan's a winner. I'm glad he's such a good liar. I'm glad dragons are stupid, apparently. Yes. I do prefer a story where dragons are really cunning and more difficult to trick. Yeah, me too.

But yeah, I don't know. I didn't really have a problem with that. I thought that was overall a pretty good story. Yeah, it was cute. I think the dragons locate that magician and eat him in the name of their grandfather. Hell yeah. And all's well that ends well. I think that's the perfect ending.

Yeah. How would we do points-wise? Okay, Stan, your predictions were Stan Bollivan says his name 3,000 times. I don't know. He said it a little bit. A little bit, but it wasn't always just... I wouldn't say it was excessive. It wasn't Stan Bolivand.

Yeah. It was mostly just Stan. And he didn't... Yeah, it was mostly to Stan. I don't think he was a village idiot. He was pretty intelligent. He was pretty smart. And there was no princess.

And no princess, yeah. I think that was a scratch for me. How do you do? My predictions were the dragons a real pain in the ass, which he was at first. But he wasn't... I think Stan's the pain in the ass. Yeah, right? Like he wasn't really that much of a pain in the ass other than to the shepherd.

And then Stan Bolivant needs to learn some lessons to know it was the dragon. And there's a witch. So I don't know. Scratch for both of us. I think that you do have an argument for the dragon begins as a pain in the ass. Yeah, but he wasn't a real pain in the ass, you know? Yeah, he would just scooping up some sheep every once in a while. Yeah.

I think it's a scratch. Yeah. We should have predicted that the protagonist. was going to be a pain in the ass. I know. I wanted to, I almost predicted, too, that the dragon was hardly in it.

But the dragons, I'm glad the dragons had a bigger role. Me too. It took a minute. It did. I thought we were doing, we were going the way of a book of magic horses. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Where like a dragon might be seen in the distance at one point. And so it counts as a dragon story. That was cute. Yeah. the illustration of the dragon. So funny. So derpy.

Oh, man. So derpy. Just kills me. A Robin Jacques classic. The disrespect. Disrespect. Okay. So I am reading to you,

Alde Cruvy. It is a story from Woodland Folktales of Britain and Ireland by Lisa Schneido. It had been a while since we've read one of these. Yeah. These books are amazing and I feel like this one was just very summary and fun and I really liked it.

Oh my gosh. I'm so excited. Okay. Again, it's called Ald-Cruvy and it is spelled A-U-L-D-C-R-U-I-V-I-E. Which doesn't tell you anything. Well, I feel like old is old. Like, old English for old, maybe. Maybe.

Can I make that my prediction? Yes. How many predictions do I get? Well, I don't think it says like the, well, maybe it does. Yeah, you can make that a prediction. You can have three. Okay. Okay.

Old, like this, it's a, the title is a person. Okay. title as a person they're whatever that title is it's old because it's old old old equals old oh yeah and yeah three um it's shorter than yours but it's still long enough for three i think river spirit i don't want to river spirit yeah okay okay okay Al-Cruvy. And I think, so it does have a little bit of an intro about the story, but I think I'm going to read the story first. And I'm not going to read the exact intro, because you have to buy the book to get all the cool lore behind it written by Lisa Schneider.

But it's totally worth it. These books rule. Okay. Oh, and I also did, find this story. So I think it's interesting that this is folk tales of Britain and Ireland, because I found this story also mostly in Scotland. Oh. So just keep that in mind. That most of the, I was looking it up afterwards and I, it was very Scottish. So I thought that was kind of interesting. That is interesting. Yeah. A woman lived in a little tumble down stone house somewhere in the middle of Aberdeenshire. Aberdeenshire, I said that totally wrong, huh? Where there were still old woods that have never been cut down.

She worked as a washerwoman for the local Laird, but he had a black heart and he paid here scarce enough to survive. All her furniture was made of sticks cobbled together from the woods next to the house. And her husband had died, but she had a little boy, Jack, who's the apple of her eye. Oh, my goodness. Okay, well, Jack is going to be a little troublemaker. When Jack was about five years old, the evil laird appeared at the door of the cottage in one morning. He looked around with him with contempt.

If you want to remain here, he said, you will have to do more. I need a new shepherd. I'm sure that lad of yours can do it. He'll start tomorrow and I'll hear no more about it. But he's only five years old, cried his mother. Oh, my God. The Laird was gone. Jack's mother had no choice.

She decided to put her little boy both inside of the sheep and inside of her in the safest place she could think of. She would put him under the greatest oak tree in those woods that some called Ald Kruevy, the father of the place. Ald Kruevy would look after Jack well. So it's a big oak tree. Give him to the trees. to take care of him. That's how Jack grew up, learning to watch and listen and look out for danger. If there were any problems for the sheep, the little boy called out and his mother would come

running to help. Jack's eyes and his ears became as keen as those of any wild animal, always on the lookout for any trouble. The old oak tree shaded him from the sun and protected him from the rain and wind. It looked after him. Over the years of his learning, Jack also learned the calls and the language of the birds. He learned their alarm calls and that the creatures in the woods knew for telling danger. He learned their quiet contact calls of the woodland at peace. He knew the tiny chatter of the subsong when the winter turned to spring as teenage Robbins experimented with their newfound notes. And best of all, he learned the bird songs that set the woods a light with joy. I just love the way Lisa Schneider writes these stories. Like,

Me too. That's so beautiful. These are such, yeah, beautiful nature stories. I just, the words are so lyrical. And, like, you just really feel the, the peace of being in that situation and that scenario, like, when you lay under an old tree and. Yeah, she's very poetic. She is. A perfect person to be, you know, rewriting these folk tales. Yep.

by the time Jack was a young man he was helping his mother out with all the tasks the foraging and making and weaving and mending that meant they could just about scrape by on the poor wages of the miserly old laird but the part of the day he looked forward to the most of all was the shepherding the time in the woods with ald cruevy listening and watching that was when he felt most alive Aw. One midsummer's day, Jack was resting his back. One midsummer's day, Jack was resting with his back against the great oak. The sheep doing fine, the wildflowers blooming in the grass, and the birds less insistent now after their springtime surge, busy looking after their fledgling young. But their songs today were different, and Jackless and hard to find out what was happening. We're leaving this evening called the Blackbird, calling its alarm at the wrong time of day. Just for one night, trilled the wren.

We'll be back tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, after the trees, trees, trees have danced, shouted the song, Crush. Oh, my God, I'm so excited. The birds were leaving, the trees were dancing. How odd, thought Jack. But look, here was his dear old... It was so weird. But here is his dear old mother and her skirts and shawl,

bringing him food for his lunch as she always did. Jack's mother sat down beside him. There's something I need to tell you about. You won't think me mad for saying it, but there you are. Go on then, smiled Jack. There was an old saying around here that once every 50 years on midsummer's night, the trees start to dance and they go to drink from the little burn, said his mother carefully. Oh, the birds have told me all about that already.

I thought you were mad. Or you thought you were mad. There's more, said his mother. When the trees come out of the ground and stand on their roots to dance, they leave big earthy holes, and the bigger the trees, the bigger the holes. They say that in the earth, there is treasure to be found because that's where the trees were born. The old stories talk of gems and gold and silver. Now Jack had stopped joking, and he was listening carefully.

Yes, he is. Ooh, money. Treasure. Treasurer. You have to be sure, she continued, to only go into the smaller holes that the saplings and young trees have left behind and only take a little bit of treasure.

It's not right to be greedy. The trees don't like it. Oh, yeah. I bet they don't. Uh-huh. Jack called out to Alde Cruvy. Would you mind if we took just a little bit of treasure? he asked, we need to replace and renew so many things in the old cottage.

Could you share just a little bit with us? There was no voice to answer, but both Jack and his mother felt in the rustle of the leaves and the shimmer of the sunshine and the glade that all cruvy trusted them, and he was giving them permission. Oh, I love it. Because, I mean, yeah, if you ask the nice old tree that's been looking after you, you know, and not just people. Yeah, that's really sweet. I love it. I like that a lot of like folklore is like you ask nature before you take something from it. Absolutely.

And never take too much. And don't take too much. Like don't be greedy. And ask permission. Yeah. On no account, said Jack's mother, try to go down the hole in the earth that Ald Cruvy leaves behind. You would be lost to the world. You would never get out. I've made you something to help just in case, and she handed him a little ball of nettle fiber cord.

Something tells me Jack is absolutely going to fall in this hole. Uh-huh. And Jack's mother totally knows that. Yes. Just in case. Mm-hmm. I made you something to escape with. Jack's mother left him to the sunny afternoon and the shepherding.

While the sun was getting low in the sky that evening, when Jack saw another figure, in skirts striding toward him through the ferns in the grass. It was the young servant from the big house. Molly was her name. Oh, Molly. Jack had a bit of a sparkle for her. And he thought she was beautiful there in the woodland glade

with the summer evening shadows cast all around her. I bet she was. Yeah, she was. Molly ran up to Jack under the oak tree. Jack, the old lords in a funny mood today. I thought I should come to warn you, she said. He's muttering something about tonight's the night and sharpening his knife, something being planned. The old story?

Oh, no. Ask Jack. So you've heard it too, she said. I think the old fool wants to go gather treasure tonight as much as he can. I'd have to go, but I have to go, but be careful, Jack. She flashed him a smile. A sexy smile. She ran back to the house.

Lurdy smile. I added that. That evening, Jack crept out of the cottage near to midnight and up to the clearing in the woods with Ald Cruvy standing close by. The full moon was bright in the sky and the stars were blinking through the deep blue. With the last of the dusk of the day departed to the northwest. So many just like little details. I love. Me too.

It's beautiful. Jack stood in the clearing and a strange hush descended over the place. Then, quietly at first, a creaking and groaning started all around from the earth itself, getting louder, impatient. The trees were lifting into the sky, the graceful birch and ash swaying, the holly's cackling their leaves against one another. Slowly but determinedly, every tree in that place began to stand on its roots and shake the earth free from around it.

Oh, this is so cool. That's all I'm going to see is the trees fucking like. Yeah. Getting out and dancing. Slowly creaking out. I wonder if this was like if this story or stories like it was an inspiration for the ants. I wonder.

I mean, I love the idea of trees like being, I mean, trees are definitely alive and talk to each other. It's like a whole network. Yeah. But like their root systems and the soil and I love it. It's like very like very nonsense. Absolutely. To have them like uplift their roots and go off and dance in the moonlight on midsummer night.

That's so beautiful. That's so fun. It's not so cool. Yeah. I love it so much. I love imagining it. Yeah. Me too.

I think this would also be a really cool like animated short. Yes. Absolutely. Like this would be magical. Mm-hmm. Like Fantasia style. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, for real. Like put this, like if they ever do another Fantasia. Mm-hmm. Do this one. Let's see where was it. The next thing we manifest. Oh, yeah.

But like not Disney. It would be our own. Sure. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Our own thing with actual animation and not have it be all like that cheap 3D. Fair enough. Yes, absolutely.

That's what I would want. Mm-hmm. All right, let's see. The breeze whipped up around Jack as the branches of the trees swirled, and up on their roots, they danced together as if to invisible music. Then, creaking loudly with ancient cracked bark, Alde Cruvy himself started to move, haltingly at first with his bark groaning,

and then gradually more and more as his roots became free and he danced slowly with the other trees. Oh, he's all old. Yeah. He is. He's all, old, cruvy. I think I was right. I think so, too.

I think we'll have to look it up. It doesn't explicitly say. Yeah. But I'm sure that's got to be it, right? Yeah. Because he's an old tree. He's old groovy. Old groovy.

Oh, my God. Jack could see that the trees were moving down the hill. A great sea of branches. The trees were grooving down the hill. Fuck, yeah. they were oh my god they're all dancing to the beegees yeah it's a tree disco fuck yes god I want to see a tree disco so badly

I do I don't need treasure I just the treasure is watching trees dance absolutely so they're a great sea of branches and leaves wrestling and swing when they had moved from the clearing he walked carefully over to one of the smaller holes left by a birch tree, picking his way across the ground carefully to avoid falling or tripping. The hole in the ground was still huge, and as Jack peered into it, he could see the sparkle of a gem in the moonlight. Treasure! Treasure! Jack climbed carefully into the hole in the earth and scrabbled in the soil where he had seen a glittering. Before too long, he had unearthed a golden

cup and a whole heap more earth had fallen. He unearthed a sizable ruby and a small gold cuff and then he remembered his mother's words. That's enough, I reckon. He thought, it won't do to be too greedy. He grinned himself. Yeah. You don't want to break old cruby's trust. Exactly.

Well, he's just in some random birch trees hole right now, so. Oh, okay. Which is still huge. It's still huge, yeah, because those root netwere. works are wide and deep. Yeah, they are. That's enough, I reckon he thought it won't do to be too greedy. He grinned to himself and whispered, thank you.

Aw, what a good, sweet man. He's a polite young lad. Jack whispered someone or something from above, and Jack's heart leapt into his mouth. It took a moment for him to recognize Molly's boys. Yeah. Jack, hurry up. The trees are coming back. Sure enough, Jack could hear the swishing of the leaves and swaying of the branches, getting louder again, getting closer.

Jack tried to get a hold of some clods of earth above him and a foothold to climb out, but he fell back deeper into the earth and hole. Time and time again he tried, but he only made the earth looser as Molly's terrified face appeared above him. then Jack remembered the nittle cord that his mother had given him. Molly, catch this. And he kept one end and threw the ball of yarn up to her. She tied it to a nearby rock, and finally Jack managed to climb out to safety. Oh, cool. Okay.

Few. Few. In the moonlight, the place looked wrecked, with huge black holes all over the ground. Jack heard a scrabbling and clinking noise from the largest hole, the one that Ald Cruve. he had left behind. It's the Laird, said Molly. Of course it is. I followed him up here.

He's collecting treasure in a big bag. But the trees are coming back. He has to get out where he'll be buried alive. Oh, no. Oh, wouldn't that just be awful? Oh, worst. If the horrible, rich asshole landlord just was never seen again, and the tree's roots drank his blood. Ooh, I like that.

I like that little detail. Me too. If that's not how this ends, I think that might be my fix for it. But the trees are coming back. He has to get out or he'll be buried alive, cried Jack. Jack's better than me. Jack is, he's just a better person than we are. He's just a better person than we are.

He picked his way over to the great hole in the ground and called down to the Laird. You need to get out of there now. Away with you. Leave me to what's rightfully mind. Called back the Laird. Kelsey, stop. You're so funny. as the moon's shadow of a huge oak tree slowly moved across the ground toward him.

That's scary. I love it. Oh, my God. That's so creepy. That was the last time they heard the Laird's voice. Jack and Molly retreated to safe ground in the meadow. They watched with a mixture of fascination and horror as the trees danced and swayed their way back to where they had grown, where they belonged, and where the earth would hold them. the swaying slowly died away as the first

the swaying slowly died away as first one tree then another put its roots back in the soil dug deep and drank deep of the earth and the Laird's blood It should say that It's the fakes And became still again Last of all was Alde Cruvy

The Laird was so greedy He had made his own grave Jack and Molly Uh-huh Yeah Bastard Bastard Also it's like I love like an evil landlord's story

Me too It's always the best Jack and Molly took their treasure Back to Jack's mother Where she was presented with the gold cuff They sold the ruby and made enough money To mend the house and keep them all comfortable For all their days to come

And six weeks later In the warm light of the first harvest Jack and Molly drank honeymead and oak leaf wine from the same golden cup, and they made their pledges to each other. Oh, romance. I know. A few weeks after that, the new Laird arrived at the door of the little house. Good morning, he said, looking around the little place. I've heard you are hard workers.

I think I can reward you with a little better than what you've been used to. The new Laird didn't have a black heart. He had a kind heart. nice. Oh. I like that. That's good. He better.

Jack, his mother, and Molly were all treated better from that day onwards, and they all lived together in a bigger house at the edge of the woods. Whenever they could, they would go back to the clearing, sit under the shade of old cruevy, and listen to the songs of the birds, and they taught the same to the little ones who came after them. The end. I love that story. That was delightful.

That was so sweet. That was so sweet. Yeah. That was beautiful. Love it so much. I also really love your fix of explicitly saying the trees were drinking the blood of the evil Laird. Maybe at a little scene of the Laird still digging greedily away, realizing as the tree comes over here, the roots come into the hole and they start attaching themselves to him.

And so we have a little like horrible. panic from him realizing what he's done. Yeah, exactly. That would have been good. Yeah, just so that he can really appreciate that he caused his own demise. Hell, yeah. You know? Yeah, and just as a, don't take too much from Mother Nature as the moral of the story.

Yep. And that there's magic in the woods, and I love everything about it. That's so beautiful. Yeah. So everyone, please go by Woodland Folktales. of Burton and Ireland right now. And all the other ones, because there's also what... And all the other ones.

River folktales, botanical folk tales. It's awesome. I think there's like ocean at this point. Oh, I don't think I have that one. If not, I need to buy it. If that's real, maybe I made that up. I wouldn't doubt it. Yeah.

Anyway. Anyway, thank you for reading that to me. That was beautiful. Perfect. Perfect capstone. on our first episode back from Hot Goblin Summer. Let's see, hold on. I want to look at what does...

Oh. What's all... I'm sure it means, yeah. All-Cruvy means an old giant king tree. Yes. King tree. King tree. All right.

He's a king. And your predictions. were the title is a person, old equals old, and river spirit. So you got one point for that one. One point. Because it's old.

It old. It old. Yeah. Love that. I loved your fix about the trees drinking the blood. I definitely wish there was a little more panic. But that's because I am a... Some of these stories are so dark, though.

So I wouldn't be surprised if, you know... Yeah. They had been darker. Yeah, it wouldn't be out of place. Yeah, exactly. It was still fit with the collection. I think so. Drink the blood of the evil laird.

Good. Nourish the tree with your blood. Exactly. And then they'll make the wine from the trees. All cruevy has seen some shit. Hell yeah. I love it so much. So good.

Who's on the Outer? true. Oh, that's you. Me? Well, I think that was a pretty fantastic first episode back. Thank you very much for telling me that story and going on that journey with me with our new good buddy Stan and his wife and all of their many, many ravenous children. So many children. Which sounds really scary.

I know. I'd be scared, too. The dragon makes sense to me. But we're going to end it there for today. If you love this podcast and you're happy we're back and you would like to help us boost our signal a little bit, there are a couple free ways you can do that. One of them is to leave us a five-star review on any podcast catcher that will let you do that or leave a comment.

Comments are really king. If you can do that for us, that would be great. I think you've got several choices from this episode as far as what you might want to comment if you don't naturally have anything to say yourself. Bidges Be Crying is great. Blood, tree, something. There's something in there. Old Cruvy. Oh, tell us what you're excited about for the new yoga series.

What do you want to see? I really excited about this. me too i love that okay yes that's that's all like definitely leave that as a response um you can also get in touch with us uh you can follow our instagram at fairy tale fixpod you can write us at info at fairy tale fixpod.com um you can if you want to throw us a couple dollars to help us keep the podcast going we'd surely appreciate it you can go to uh patreon.com forward slash fairy tale fix pod to see our many Patreon tiers. You can join for I think as little as like $3 and get access to all of our bonus content,

all of our bonus episodes. And then higher tiers up, you can get merch and books and our undying gratitude and one-on-one time with us. Lots of cool stuff. And I think that's, I think that's it. Yeah. Let me remember what my fix was. Oh, yes.

And so, Stan and his wife, his name I keep forgetting. Iijuana. Iowana. Stan and Iowana and their 100 ravenous children do live together in peace and harmony in a nice big house and everyone has nice clothes and plenty of food. And they share generously with their neighbors because they seem like those kinds of people. um, Stan continues to gaslight

anyone who might harm the community with his impressive lying skills. And we love that for him. We Stan Stan. Meanwhile, the dragon, uh, I think catches wise to the fact that he's been had.

Like he's still scared of Stan and he's not going to go mess with Stan's family. But he and his mother do, um, pay the magician a little visit. Hell yeah. And either make the magician do a lot of cool stuff for them or eat him. dealer's choice. Both.

And everyone lives. Oh, you do yours. You do yours next. Yep. And Jack and Molly look down as the evil Laird gains panic in his eyes because he realizes what a mistake

he's made as the tree comes down and sticks his roots in his eyeballs and his face and drinks his blood and his fear. It is eyeballs as a great Additional detail. I love it. Hell yeah. And they dance on his grave that he made himself.

Because, or least Molly does, because she's petty like us. She's petty like us. And then you know what? That family needs this. Jack and his mom are too nice. Mm-hmm. And they all live. Happily ever after the end.