Fairy Tale Fix - 22: Dress For The Job You Want

Episode Date: July 20, 2021

Abbie tells us the story of a cat that’s dressing for the job he wants, Puss In Boots, while Kelsey tells the story of the Old Woman In The Wood, where a spunky maiden trespasses and rummages through a poor old woman’s jewelry at the behest of a bird.

did you see me look up and go is there is there uh yeah i saw that and immediately regretted my prediction i had to think about it it's gonna be fun on bun look at your gorgeous face i missed that face i was just about to say the same thing about you and how much I miss your beautiful, amazing, gorgeous face. I know. It's so nice that we've started doing this so we can actually see each other like on the reg. Yeah. See each other often on a semi-casual basis. So it's just kind of like, oh, look, it's Kelsey. So when I don't see you for a week or so because, you know, busy life, work, things, stuff,

it's like, it's just nice. I know. It's just – and it always feels like longer than it actually is. Uh-huh. Definitely. Because I feel like, oh, my God, I haven feels like longer than it actually is. Uh huh. Definitely. Because I feel like, oh, my God, I haven't seen Kelsey in ages. But we recorded we recorded an episode like two weeks ago. It's fine. Uh huh. Yeah.

Oh, gosh. But yeah, I'm I'm doing good. It was really sad putting Maddie on the plane. I believe it. Yeah. That's so nice that she got to come and visit, though. It was really wonderful. I hadn't seen her for two years.

So I got to hold her and hug her and squeeze her. And I haven't seen you for two years either. So I'm really excited to hold you and hug you and squeeze you. I know. I'm excited, too. I need to get the time off.

But I am planning on being in Baltimore for our podversary. Our podversary. Oh my God. I'm so fucking excited. At least I'm hoping that time works out. We'll see. I'm sure it'll be fine. I asked my boss for some time in July and he never got back to me. So I just bought plane tickets to Wyoming anyway. I was like, well, won't he be surprised? I mean, I'm only gone for two work days. So I don't think he's going to care or I'm going to be missed. I still get a little worried. I don't know. Plus I'm going to Wyoming. It's not like it's really going to be super fun for me. It's just like... I did see Wyoming family reunion on your Google calendar. Yeah. So I had a family reunion planned for 2020. But of course, the pandemic postponed it.

And my dad and I were planning on going, but we kind of never talked about it when it came up again this year until like about a month before. And so for Father's Day, I decided just to buy him tickets because, you know, he's like 70. He's not going to get a chance to go out there again, probably. Yeah, this might be his last opportunity to do the big family reunion. Yeah. So I thought it would be worth it and fun. And we're both like history nerds anyway. And there's like a ton of museums in Lander. Also, Wyoming is gorgeous. I mean, there are parts of it that are gorgeous anyway.

Yeah. Yeah. I keep forgetting that Yellowstone. Is that in Wyoming? Yes. Sure. It is. So I couldn't find a rental car either.

So we're going to have to be at the mercy of the taxi and uber gods because i couldn't rent a car because everybody's going to wyoming i guess which is weird i suppose there's an instagram influencer that i follow who's on vacation with her family in wyoming and they must be hiking in yellowstone or something because she's been like all of her stories have been this like these beautiful vistas of like mountains and pristine lakes. And so I was like, wow, Wyoming is gorgeous. But I now realize that that was definitely Yellowstone, probably the most gorgeous place in Wyoming. Mm hmm. Yeah. So I will be in Lander by the time this comes out.

I will be back. Mm hmm. I'm only going like Friday through Monday, but it'll be fun. I'm excited to spend some time with my dad and just kind of get out, I guess. So I'm going on a commercial flight from Sacramento to Denver and then from Denver into Riverton is a like little service plane that only carries like 30 people. Interesting. And I don't like planes anyway. And the idea of a smaller plane is giving me heart palpitations and makes making me like stay awake at night. But, you know, it's going to be fine. Like, you'll be okay. Fine. It's gonna be fine. Theoretically, a shorter ride to Wyoming is right there. Yeah, it's only an hour.

An hour long flight from Denver from denver to riverton anyway are you and then you're just ubering to lantern or yeah i got a taxi all set up like scheduled to come pick us up and then we're gonna have family look at you with all your plans that's what's going on with me just nervous about traveling but i'm excited to spend time with my dad and something i don't know it'll be interesting it's kind, but I'm excited to spend time with my dad and something. I don't know. It'll be interesting. It's kind of neat. I'm excited I get to see my cousin Sophie, who is super fucking cool.

I think she lives in Boston, and I haven't seen her since the last time I was in Wyoming, which was when I was like 12. So gotcha. It's been a minute. Yeah, but it'll be nice because i have family members that are also my age so it's not going to be like just me hanging out with a bunch of stuffy old bunch of old people plus your dad i mean he's old too but yeah but he's your old he's fun he's he's your dad yeah so anyway anything anything new with you uh i got a new tattoo which uh i

haven't gotten a tattoo for it's been i think we're coming up we were coming up on two and a half years and that is that is at least two years too long that's way too long to wait to get another tattoo to get another tattoo um especially when i have so much just empty space. Look at all this blank skin just like begging to be covered up with artwork. It's a Treasure Planet tattoo on my forearm. It's so beautiful. I love it. I know. That's like a green ring, right? It's the Treasure Planet from the movie Treasure Planet, which my sister and I love. We have a lot of nostalgia about it. We loved that movie growing up. I love that you got another sister tattoo. That's really special. This would be, I think, our third one. Oh, really? I thought it was the second.

No, because we've got our ankle tattoos, which are tributes to Into the Woods. And then we have our Paradise tattoos, which they were doing these after the campfire to give relief to, I think, the Paradise School District. And so the artists at our favorite tattoo parlor in Chico were hand drawing pine trees onto people's arms. So Maddie and I have those. So I got a new tattoo. I'm very excited about it. I will have two new tattoos by the time we come back. What are you getting next? There's an artist, Joe Lave, who does these like funky little art deco animal tattoos. So he's going to do a raven on me for Baltimore. And then individual feathers on the wings are going to be

sort of layers of like a gemstone design that he does and a botanical like flowers, but art deco style design that he does. So I'm really excited. He hasn't sent me the sketches yet. I'll have this tattoo after this after this comes out. Nice. Anyway, I'm really excited about it. I love tattoos. I love getting them. They look so good on my body. Yeah, they do. I love getting them. They look so good on my body. Yeah, they do. And in other news, I got told that I'm going back to the office. I believe only one of my coworkers listens to this podcast. Lisa, you can't tell anyone that I complain. Lisa's got you. Lisa's got my back. She always does because Lisa's the best. But anyway, so yay, we're going back to the office for at least a few

days a week. So none of my old work clothes fit me anymore because I gained like 30 pounds over the course of this past year. So I panic bought like $600 worth of like office clothes. It's fine. What else are you going to use that money for? Like household repairs and like saving money, I guess. I don't know. But anyway, I bought a lot of clothes that hopefully will fit and just to give me a little happiness boost to go back into the office because at least I'll look nice. Yes. And at least you're only going back for a few days at first, just not full time right away, right? I think it's shaping up to be three days in the office, two days out.

Yeah. I don't think anyone would even think of that as complaining. I think that's going to be an adjustment for everyone, just going back into an office and not wearing PJs all day. just going back into an office and not wearing PJs all day? I mean, I don't wear real pants anymore. I don't wear bras anymore. I don't wear makeup anymore. And I'm going to have to start doing all of those things again. And I don't want to. I think a lot of people are going through that. I started working from home right before the pandemic. So I am set. I'm set. I'm just really lonely. I am like my house is becoming like a prison and I'm going a little bit batty from it. I actually have been going through a pretty like big depressive episode lately and it's been rough,

like really rough. I'm just, I'm pent up and like bored and lonely and like sick of this fucking house. So I'm trying to find, you know, good ways to get out of the house. And I think I'm going to start going to a gym just to like be around other people. Also, I like, you know, I like running on a treadmill. Like I actually enjoy that quite a bit but i just like being around people and not just stuck in a room stuck inside with your cat uh-huh even my cat over it when i first started staying home she was so excited and followed me everywhere and now she's like oh you're still here I was kind of hoping for some alone time. Uh-huh. Oh, Kelsey.

Oh, so. Woof. But it's all good. We're doing great. Doing so good. How are you feeling about your depression right now? I know you went off of your medication. Yeah. I actually started counseling. It's just like an online counseling. So I don't know if I like it yet because it feels more like homework than like helpful because I go on every day and she's like, can you fill out these questions? And I don't know how I feel about it yet because we haven't got to the actual like conversation part yet. Right. But I feel, you know, I feel okay. I feel positive. It's like you just have to figure it out and figure out healthy ways to deal with depression and anxiety. Anxiety has been really bad lately too.

I keep panic waking up. Like where you wake up and I'm worried about something and I cannot get back to sleep and my heart is racing. It's very annoying. Yep. So I'm doing okay. Not the best. Not the worst. Mm- worst. Hanging in there. It's all good. I'm excited. Justin's actually coming over tomorrow. He's going to stay the

night. We're going to go to Sierra Nevada and we're going to go hang out. I don't really know what we're going to do, but we'll figure it out. That sounds really fun though. Yeah, I'm excited. And I'm so jealous. I'm so jealous. I want to go. You're just going to have to come visit me at some point. I'll just have to come visit. I'm thinking about make a springtime trip out next year. That'd be fun. Because that's when your parents come back, right?

Exactly. Yeah. So you'll have a, I mean, you can always stay here as long as you want, but it's also nice to like. I mean, it depends. And it really depends on where they're actually living. There might not be space for me. That's true. They're not going to be able to go back to their old house. So I might I might be taking advantage of our hospitality. Absolutely.

A little update. We got a bunch of amazing messages from Aurora on Facebook. Yeah. And she explained a lot of stuff about East or the Sun, West or the Moon, which I don't think we have time to get into today, but I want to very soon because she gets some really interesting facts. But she's so funny. She said, I keep forgetting that I've needed to throw down over the unprovoked attack on the character of Ever After and she says she says quite frankly and lovingly how dare you and here's why and she like has bullet points of all these things like danielle's meet cute with henry be being her nailing him with an apple so hard he falls off his horse it's a good scene i really love when she says leonardo da Vinci being everyone's fairy godmother.

She saves herself with a sword in this essay, I will. And then it like tapers off. So Aurora, fair point. We hear you. I need to hear the rest of this essay. I need to. Also, I have some refutations. We'll go through it at length.

So I think we need to rewatch Ever After because I haven't actually watched it as an adult either. So it could hit different. I have. Here's the thing. I know that we, when did we come for Ever After? I can't remember which episode that was anyway, When did we come forever after? I can't remember which episode that was anyway, but I'm sure, I'm sure we did. The thing is, I do still love that movie.

I think that movie is great. I would happily watch that movie like literally every time. I just also have some, some spots where I'm just like, this is not like a good movie. I am really excited to rewatch it. It's on the list. Yes, let's do it.

Let's have it. Let's just let's do a movie night with Caroline and we can rewatch ever after. And then Aurora and I can have like an email debate about it. It might be time to do another Listener Tales episode because I feel like we're kind of we've reached a critical volume of. Yeah, I think we have one planned for August. Stuff August stuff yeah I think I think we've got enough stuff so maybe we can do Aurora's we can unpack Aurora's feelings about east of the sun west of the moon and yes ever after in that episode that sounds awesome I am excited for it me too that sounds oh god that sounds like the best time that sounds like an absolute gas I'm really really looking forward to that. But I was really excited to get that message. Thank you, Aurora. That made me laugh really hard. That unprovoked. And I'm sorry, but I kind of did it again. Unprovoked attack. You know, when I was younger, I also wasn't as big of a fan of Drew Barrymore for some reason.

I don't know why. But as an adult, I love her. Yeah, I think Drew Barrymore is great. And Angelica Houston is great. Yeah, you guys don't have to agree with us on everything. In fact, we prefer it when you don't so we can have these conversations. Absolutely. Prefer it when you don't so we can have these conversations.

Absolutely. Please keep sending us your thoughts and feelings about our attacks on your favorite stuff. You know, that actually reminds me. There is that game, Hero Fight, or what's it called? Super Fight. Super Fight. So it's a game where you get a character, and then along with that, you get like a couple of superpowers and they're not always like amazing. They're really random. Yeah.

You get like a couple of traits. Yeah. And I love that game because I'm not like a sore loser. If somebody can really genuinely convince me that this person would win over this, like I will accept that. Very easily probably. Like that's a really good point those are some solid arguments some solid arguments uh yeah i love that game anyway i also i also love that game but i am a little bit more competitive about it argue it into the ground that is how the abby do that is how the abby do i get it from my mother

anyway do you want to tell me a story i am going to tell you a story and i'm going to tell you the story that we did not have time for me to tell you at the end of our last episode uh today i will be telling you the story of puss in boots yay i'm stoked i couldn't find a version in any of the books that i own besides the one from the complete first edition of the brothers grim uh edited by uh jack zipes which is excellent but but sometimes those stories in here do tend to lack certain details that i remember from other versions that make me sad sometimes. Or the story is just awful, as we discovered with our most recent bonus episode of All Fur, where it turns out that I only saw the modern version that gets cleaned up a

little for the kids. Yeah, that story was just terrible. terrible yep that story was like just pure awful it was absolutely cursed nothing about it was sweet which is exactly why we do this podcast but still so today i am going to read you puss in boots boots in boots okay in boots so yeah in honor of antonio banderas playing puss in boots and shrek oh i love him i love that character too he's so cute like the whole trope of a cat being like cute but evil it's just so perfect so three predictions for puss in boots and i definitely have read the politically correct version at one point. Prediction number one.

Puss is a guardian of a king or a prince or something. Okay. He's like a bodyguard. Prediction number two. The boots are magic. Ooh, they're magic. Prediction number three. There's

a witch in the story. I have no idea. I don't think any of those are right. So your predictions are Puss is a bodyguard to a prince or a king. Not specifically to a prince or a king. Just a bodyguard.

Just a bodyguard. Okay. All right. I'm editing that one. That's what you said. But Puss in Boots is a bodyguard. The boots are magic. Yes.

And there's a witch. Yep. Okay on me loving it all right let's do it a miller had three sons a mill a donkey and a cat the sons had to grind grain the donkey had to haul the grain and carry away the flour and the cat had to catch the mice. When the miller died, the three sons divided the inheritance. The oldest received the mill, the second the donkey, and nothing was left for the third but the cat. This made... I know, I mean, I would have been stoked, but whatever. I'll take him. This made the youngest sad, and he said to himself,

I certainly got the worst part of the bargain my oldest brother can grind wheat my second brother can ride on his donkey but what can i do with the cat once i make a pair of gloves out of his fur it's all over wow that's rude seriously so you know it's a little stunning that the cat hears this and instead of deciding to like kind of flip him off and leave and go do his own cat stuff, he says instead, listen, there's no need to kill me when all you'll get will be a pair of poor gloves from my fur. Have some boots made for me instead. Then I'll be able to go out, mix with people and help you before you know it. Cute. Plus it's a talking cat. Plus, it's a talking cat.

Yeah, it's a talking cat. Fairy tale people do not have any respect for talking animals, which blows my mind. I'm sorry. Go on. I'm sorry. I was going to say, also, I love that there's a donkey in it. That's cute. I don't – yeah. It is very – yeah in it. That's cute. I don't.

Yeah, it is very. Yeah, it's adorable. Yeah. Shrek. Donkey. Puss. The Miller's son was surprised that the cat could speak like that. But since the shoemaker happened to be walking by, he called him inside and had him fit the cat for a pair of boots.

Oh, that's so cute i know and i love how the shoemaker's just like you know just happens to be walking by it just happens to be i feel like that is an excuse for this man being like i'm not a crazy cat dad i mean the cat asked me to make him boots the cat talks and asked for boots am i gonna not make him boots. The cat talks and asked for boots. Am I going to not make him boots? Yeah, I would do literally anything my cat asked me to. If she came up to me and asked me something, it would be done. 100%.

Anyway, so when the boots were finished the cat put them on and after that he took a sack filled the bottom with grains of wheat and attached a piece of cord to the top which he could pull to close and then he slung the sack over his back and walked out the door on two legs like a human being

cute so are the boots magic wait are we gonna okay okay wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait a minute i want to know now at the time there was a king ruling the country and he liked to eat partridges however recently the situation had become grave for him because the partridges had become very difficult to catch for some reason the whole forest was full of them but they frightened so easily that none of the huntsmen had been able to get near them and the cat knew this and thought that he could do much better than those silly human huntsmen definitely yeah i mean he obviously

can he's a cat he's a natural killer especially like in particular a natural killer of birds that's what a partridge is right it's a bird right yeah it's like a game bird of some okay they look more like quails oh okay without the little head thing oh so like a more boring version of a quail i guess i like the little head things i like that that's your take they've got cool little zebra stripes i just love birds though so um it's not fair to ask me puss in boots loves birds too he likes to kill them when the cat entered the forest, he opened the sack, spread the grains of wheat on the ground, placed the cord in the grass and strung it out behind a hedge. Then he crawled back in back of the hedge, hit himself and lay in wait. Soon the partridges came running, found the wheat, hopped into the sack one after the other. And when a good number were inside, the cat pulled the cord.

Once the sack was closed tight he ran over to it and wrung their little necks oh jesus he's very violent it is the it is the original like first edition yeah exactly once the slack was closed tight he ran over to itung their necks, slung the sack over his back and went straight to the king's castle. And the sentry called out, stop. Where are you going? To the king, the cat answered curtly. Are you crazy?

A cat going to see the king? Oh, let him go, another sentry said. The king's often very bored. Perhaps the cat will give him some pleasure with his meowing and purring. The king's often very bored. And honestly, I would also love a visit from a talking cat when I'm bored. I would too. Especially, I mean, if the cat brought me my favorite meal. Yes.

Hell yeah. meal yes hell yeah when the cat appeared before the king he bowed and said my lord the count and he uttered a long distinguished sounding name sends you his regards and would like to offer you these partridges which he recently caught in his traps and the king was amazed by these beautiful fat partridges indeed he was so overcome with joy that he commanded the cat to take as much gold from his treasury as he could carry and put it in the sack. Nice. I know. All right.

He's a pretty generous king. Yeah. But he really, really loves partridges. And also, I bet that cat in the little boots is so cute. So cute in his little boots. Uh-huh. I would give that cat anything it wanted to to it's a talking cat who brought me my favorite food take whatever you want this king has um big carl energy big car from the imp cat

like he dies he dies oh my god it took me a minute to remember what story you were talking about. Crazy old man. That's just like, I love this. I love this tucking. I love this talking cat. Nevermind that it's like literally like a little demon. Um, this is just a normal cat who just so happens to talk or decided to finally

choose to talk to humans. Cause maybe it's something all cats can do. That's a good point. Because if they could, they probably wouldn't. Most of them anyway. I fully like if there's any animal on this earth, any domesticated animal on this earth that could talk, it would be cats because they probably still wouldn't. I mean, their meows mimic baby cries anyway. That's true.

Because they're manipulative little beasts. Manipulative little beasts. Little adorable monsters. Mm-hmm. Anyway, meanwhile, the poor Miller's son sat at home by the window, propped his head up with his hand, and wondered why he had given away all he had for the cat's boots when the cat would probably not be able to bring him anything great in return. But lo and behold, the cat enters, throws down the sack from his back, opens it and dumps the gold at the Miller's son's feet.

Now you've got something for the boots. The king also sends his regards and his thanks. And the Miller's son is so happy to have such wealth, and even though he didn't understand how everything had happened. However, as the cat was taking off his boots, he told him everything and said, surely you have enough money now, but we won't be content

with that. Tomorrow I'm going to put my boots on again and you should become even richer. Incidentally, I told the king your account. Just no big deal but uh just just just fyi fyi i told the king your account just keep in mind keep it in mind keep it in mind white lie you know this cat's got it all figured out it sounds like it's all part of that oh i'll figure it out it's all part of the plan so the following day the cat puts his boots back on and goes out hunting again and brings the king a huge catch of partridges. And so it goes every day and every day the cat brings back gold to the miller's son.

And at the king's court, he has become a favorite so that he was permitted to go and come and wander about the castle wherever he pleased. that he was permitted to go and come and wander about the castle wherever he pleased and one day as the cat was lying by the hearth in the king's kitchen and warming himself the coachman came in and started cursing may the devil take the king and the princess i wanted to go to the tavern have a drink and play some cards but now they want me to drive them to the lake so they can go for a walk i mean i'd rather go to the tavern too. But sometimes my boss also makes me want to work when I'd really rather not. It's really mean. When the cat heard that, he ran home and said to his master,

if you want to be a rich count, come with me to the lake and go for a swim. The miller's son didn't know what to say. Nevertheless, he listened to the cat, went with him to the lake, where he undressed and jumped into the water completely naked and meanwhile the cat took his clothes carried them away and hid them i mean the cat obviously knows what it's doing it's okay he's got a plan he's the cat with the plan and the boots and the boots. And all of his master's clothes. Trust in the puss. Trust in puss.

That came out super weird. I loved it, though. That was very funny. Just trust in the puss. The puss can always be trusted. Oh, I'm going to die. Oh, boy. All right.

Dustin, cut that out! Don't! Leave it in! This is X-rated! Oh my goodness. I didn't... All right. The cat took his clothes, carried them away,

and hid them. And no sooner had he done it than the king came driving by. Now the cat began to wail in a miserable voice. Ah, most gracious king! My lord went for a swim in the lake and a thief came and stole his clothes that were lying on the bank. Now the count is in the water and can't get out. She just can't.

And if he stays in much longer, he'll freeze and he'll die. I love this cat. It's a devious plan, but it just, it really hinges on just the assumption that like the people in this culture are so unwilling to be naked in front of strangers that they would rather freeze to death. I get that a little, honestly. I understand like, you know, you're trying to think of like literally any other plan, but eventually, you know. The count doesn't even know that, well, the count, the miller's son doesn't even know that this is happening to him. He's just like, I'm chilling. I'm going for a swim. Yeah. He's going for a swim. But anyway, the count, the miller's son, doesn't even know that this is happening to him. He's just like, I'm chilling.

I'm going for a swim. Yeah, he's going for a swim. But anyway, this is what the cat's doing. Okay. He's saying he's going to freeze and die. When the king heard that, he ordered the coach to stop. And one of his servants had to race back to the castle and fetch some of the king's garments. And the count put on his splendid clothes and since the king had already taken a liking to

him because of the partridges that he believed had been sent by the count he asked the young man to sit down next to him in the coach yeah the princess was not the least bit angry about this for the count was young and handsome and pleased her a great deal in the meantime the cat went on ahead and came to a large meadow where there were over a hundred people making hay who owns this meadow my good people asked the cat the great sorcerer they replied ah okay well listen to me the king will be driving by and when he asks you who the owner of this meadow is i want you to answer the count and if you don't you'll all be killed wow i know dramatic and also damn it sorcerer just a little off wanted it to be a witch i know so close so close the cat continued on his way and came to a wheat field so enormous that no one could see over it there were more than

200 people standing there cutting wheat and the cat asks who owns this wheat my good people they replied the sorcerer and he tells them well when the king drives by and asks who owned the field you're going to say the count or you'll all be killed okay bye and he runs on and he comes to a splendid forest where more than 300 people were chopping down large oak trees and cutting them into wood. Who owns this forest, my good people? The sorcerer. Listen to me.

The king will be driving by. Ask the forest to say it's a counter. You'll be killed. And the cat continues on his way and the people watch him go. Since he looked so unusual and walked in boots like a human being, they were a little afraid of him. And soon the cat came to the sorcerer's castle, walked boldly inside, and appeared before the sorcerer, who looked at him scornfully and asked what he wanted. The cat bowed and said, I've heard that you can turn yourself into a dog, a fox, or even a wolf, but I don't believe that you could turn yourself into an elephant that seems impossible to me and this is why i've come i want to be convinced by my own eyes again the cat with

the plan i know he's a little mastermind little mastermind sassy smart and just knows exactly how to goad people in all the right ways he's's a perfect kitty cat. Yep. Perfect kitty. The sorcerer doesn't like being taunted so and says, ha, that's just a trifle for me. And within seconds, he turns himself into an elephant. Well, that's great, but can you also turn yourself into a lion?

Nothing to it, says the sorcerer. And he suddenly stood before the cat as a lion. The cat pretended to be terrified and cried out, that's incredible and unheard of. Never in my dreams would I have thought this is possible. But you'd top all of this if you could turn yourself into a tiny animal,

such as a mouse. I'm convinced that you can do more than any other sorcerer in the world, but that would be too much for you. What is going to come of this? Wow, I don't know. I don't know if it's like totally obvious or whatever. It's really not like he's not going to eat the sorcerer.

Is he like, and the flattery had made the sorcerer quite friendly and he said, Oh no, dear cat. That's not too much at all. And soon he was running around the room as a mouse. And all at once the cat ran after him, caught the mouse in one leap and ate him up. I guess he was running around the room as a mouse. And all at once the cat ran after him, caught the mouse in one leap and ate him up. I guess it was obvious. I mean, you did guess it. But I just don't know why. I thought the cat was going to ask the sorcerer to turn him into a human or something. Nah. This cat loves being a cat, doesn't he? Why would a supremely graceful, intelligent, beautiful being want to be as something

awkward and weird looking as a human? I ask you. Good point. I think most of us would rather be cats anyway. So the cat eats the sorcerer. And while all this was happening, the king had continued driving with the count and the princess and had come to a large meadow. Who owns the hay? The king asked.

The count, the people all cried out just as the cat had ordered them to. You've got a nice piece of land, count. The king said. Afterward, they came to a large wheat field. Who owns that wheat, my good people? The count. My, you've got quite a large and beautiful estate. Next, they come to the forest.

Who owns these woods, my good people? The count. The king was even more astounded and said, You must be a rich man, count. I don't think I have a forest as splendid as yours. And at last, they come to the castle. The cat stood on top of the stairs, and when the coach stopped below, he ran down, opened the door, and said, Your Majesty, you've arrived at the castle of my lord, the Count.

This honor will make him happy for the rest of his life. And the king climbed out of the coach and was amazed by the magnificent building, which was almost larger and more beautiful than his own castle. by the magnificent building, which was almost larger and more beautiful than his own castle. And the count leads the princess up the stairs and into the hall, which flickers with lots of gold and jewels. Naturally, the princess becomes the count's bride. And when the king died, the count became king and Puss in Boots was his prime minister. The end. That was amazing. Clever cat and also kind of generous. I was expecting the cat to do something more for himself than for his buddy or the guy that said, you know, oh, I get the useless cat. Uh-huh. I know. He was pretty selfless in that whole situation. I really enjoyed this story.

I really liked the story of the clever cat who finangles everything so that he he essentially cons the king into believing that that the miller's son is actually someone really important i've got like a couple of minor fixes for the story though um one of one of them being i want a little more detail and like okay what does puss get as a reward yeah like besides i guess prime minister he gets made prime minister because he's a very clever cat but tell me tell me more tell me about how like he you know gets gets fed for the rest of his days and always has like a place in front of like the royal palace fire or whatever and has the cutest little castle made of carpet. Yes. Like, honestly, the ending of the giant and the dwarf, that's the epilogue that I want for Puss in Boots in this story. Uh-huh.

Tell me how Puss gets his own, like, tiny castle that, like, he gets to live in inside the big castle. Uh-huh. And you find him, like, a gorgeous wife cat. you find him like a gorgeous wife cat. See, when the sorcerer came up for some reason, I was like thinking, I was expecting the cat to be like trick a sorcerer into turning him into a human. So he could be successful or whatever.

Because usually in fairy tales, people are very selfish. And Puss in Boots was not selfish. Nope. He was a gentleman and a scholar. A gentleman and a scholar, indeed. And that's kind of another fix for this story. Honestly, the Miller's son doesn't do anything.

Like, he just kind of whines in the beginning about how, like, getting the cat is a rotten deal. Yeah, he was going to make him into gloves. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was going to turn the cat into gloves and and and then also doesn't seem to be very like quick on the uptake like he just like there's nothing about like the king turns him and goes like wow like this is a very nice little part of the land you have here and the miller's son just like says nothing the entire time is supposed to be like uh uh yeah uh yep that's all that's all mine absolutely

you know you think the moral of the story is don't hate cats i'm kind of hard-pressed to find a moral beyond like the usual like fairy tale moral of being quick and clever and flexible and willing to lie a little bit to get what you want really does you a lot of favors in life. Yes, it does. That is very true. And always eat sorcerers, I guess. Amazing. Wonderful story. I absolutely loved it. That totally tracks with Puss in Boots' character in Shrek. Clever and also just really really cute yeah clever cute helpful charismatic in his cute little boots in it in his wee little boots wee little boots that's puss in boots that's where that story comes from i really like it i enjoyed that very much thank you you're welcome and i think i got one point

wait no did i there was no witch were the boots magic i feel like that's they just gave him an edge it was that these boots are made for walking kind of situation i i honestly don't know why the cat needed boots i think it was to make him even cuter or to make him more like person-like, more unusual, make him stand out more. Dress for the job you want.

Dress for the job you want. You might be able to argue your way into a point with the cat is someone's bodyguard. But he really wasn't like a hired bodyguard. He was,

he just did it on his own. Like, yeah, he didn't really guard him. He just sort of he was like the ultimate bro. He's the ultimate wingman. Yeah, basically for this for this Miller's son who definitely didn't deserve it. Yeah, for this really nothing sort of Miller's son who I really want to know, like how he keeps up the deception his entire life. really want to know like how he keeps up the deception his entire life like i'm sure once he does open his mouth and starts like saying words his suave cat can't be with him all the time how does he how does he manage to like keep this going long enough to become king is

maybe the cat ends up being the king because the Miller son gets like fucking killed or outed as like a simpleton I don't know I don't know I don't know I like to think that I'm just not sure I guess he had a castle and a bunch of people who swore that he owned like

all of their stuff so maybe he's a little eccentric and doesn't know a lot about nobility things but I don't maybe he's a little eccentric and doesn't know a lot about nobility things but i don't know yeah he has a nice castle all right all right all right do you have a story for me i do have a story for you i have a very classic brothers grim story oh good okay we both did one yeah you know i was looking through and it I don't know why I actually got a new book and I really wanted to do a Russian fairy tale, but none of them were super sticking out to me in the length that I wanted.

I wanted to find a short one, but I was only finding long ones in that book that I wanted to read. The stories are great, but some of the shorter ones or like the medium length ones are a little bit, they're just not as satisfying, which will definitely, I'll definitely read them. And I think everybody will kind of, you guys will start to get it, like why they're not so satisfying. Yeah. I went with The Old Woman in the Wood or in the original, the first edition is The Old Woman in the Forest. And it's pretty short and it's just like a nice little fairy tale. I think it's pretty classic, which I like.

So give me three predictions for The Old Woman in the Wood. Okay. So my three predictions are The Woman in the Wood, the old woman in the wood is witch. Second prediction, this is a three brothers story in the typical Brothers Grimm format. Wonderful. excellent in some way. And then because I'm still riding that puss in boots high, there is a clever talking animal in this story. I love it. Jesus. All right. Well, tell me all about it then. Okay. Stealing my moves. I really like this story. So it's just a really simple, classic little fairy tale.

I'm so excited. Once upon a time, a poor servant girl was traveling through the woods, and when she arrived in the middle of it, she found herself in the power of a murdering band of robbers. Oh my God! All at

once, they sprang out from the bushes and came toward her, but she jumped out of her cart in terror and hid herself behind a tree. As soon as the robbers had disappeared with their booty, she came from her hiding place and saw her great misfortune. And in the first edition, it talks about how all of the people she was with were murdered and killed. In this newer Barnes and Noble classics edition, it doesn't talk about that at all. But I love being able to actually see the difference in these stories of like, wow,

that is really dark. Uh-huh. Yeah. In the first edition, it's just like, and everyone was murdered and lying dead around her. Like, it's really dramatic. That's really fucked up. Everything else is pretty much the same, though,

in both books. So she saw her great misfortune and she began to cry bitterly and said to herself, what shall I do now, a poor girl like me? I can't find my way out of the woods. Nobody lives here and I must perish with hunger.

I know what you should do. You should go be a witch who lives in the woods. Agreed. That is exactly what a young girl is to do. Is that maybe maybe that's what happens. Are we going to have like an 80 year time skip? Oh my gosh, that'd be so good. And then she's the old woman who lives in the woods. That's what should happen. So she looked about for a road but couldn't find one and when the evening came she

sat down under a tree and commended herself to god determined to remain where she was no matter what happened and i'm not really sure what that means but she's like i'm gonna go anywhere so maybe somebody will come like search for her the i commend myself to god line always because like that pops up in a couple different fairy tales. Which I think, and it really sounds to me like they're just giving up completely and just say like, my soul's going to God now. I'm just going to sit under this tree

and starve to death, I guess. That's dark. Yeah. So, she hadn't sat there long before a little white pigeon came flying toward her carrying in his beak a small golden key the bird put the key into the girl's hand and said do you see on great tree within it is a cupboard which is open with this key and you will find food so that you need not suffer any longer that That's sweet. Point for Abby. Yeah.

There is a talking animal in there. I'm not sure why I had to think about it because it happens so fast. I mean, it's kind of it's kind of brief. And I mean, yeah, anyway, yes, that is very exciting. So so the girl without asking any questions, went to the tree, unlocked it, and found pure milk in a jug and white bread. And of these, she made a good meal. When she finished, she said to herself, at home now the cocks and hens are gone to roost and I'm so tired. I should like to go to bed myself. So in a moment, the same pigeon flew up, bringing another golden key in his beak and said, Do you see on tree? Open it and you will find a bed within.

So again, without asking any questions. Wow. I actually don't have anything. I was. Abby raised her hands. I just needed like a like just a pause moment just because it's like this is it's always a bad idea. Always ask questions. They never ask questions.

I mean, I get the first part. She's starving. Yes. So, OK, I'll give her a pass. But now there's a bird. A second time. Yeah, there's a bed in there feel free to be unconscious so again the pigeon says do you see yon tree open it and you'll find a bed within so again she goes to open the tree or she goes to

into the tree which i'm not sure how she goes into the tree and then opens opens the tree wait opens the tree. Wait. Also, I just want to throw out, I want this to happen to me. I want to find stuff in trees and I want birds to tell me secrets. Yeah, that's what we all want. Except then you'd probably ask questions. It's a little cheeky of you, to be honest. It's a little pert.

It's a little fanny-ish. It's a little fannyannyish to ask too many questions about it um and the magic would probably be ruined you're right okay new take proper good girls don't ask questions kelsey they just new take don't ask questions just take the key and do what the bird says i think that's those are some solid rules for life. Well, it works out very well for her because she goes to the tree, opens it and finds a little white bed inside.

And after saying her prayers, she goes to sleep. And in the morning, the pigeon comes for a third time bringing another key in which he told the servant girl to open another tree and inside would find plenty of clothes.

And when she did so she found dresses of all kinds ornamented with gold and precious stones as beautiful as any princess could desire wow this is uh that's what i want this is this is some wood i feel like this is what i deserve yeah i feel like that's exactly what you should have so in this part of the woods the maiden dwelt for a long time and the pigeon came every day and brought her whatever she needed. And it was a very quiet and peaceful life. One day, however. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Let's just keep it. Dun, dun, dun. No, no. Just keep this going. Just keep this going until she's an old woman who lives in the woods. But then you wouldn't get another point. Unless she became a witch.

Anyway. Anyway. So one day, the pigeon came and asked the maiden whether she would do an act of love for him. With all my heart was her reply. And the pigeon asked her to come with him to a little cottage deep in the woods. And the pigeon explained,

in the cottage there is an old woman who will say, good day, but for my sake, give her no answer and let her do what she will, but go past her right hand and you will see a door which you must open and pass into a room where upon a table will lie a number of rings

with all descriptions and among them several with glittering stones, but leave them alone and look out for a plain one, which will be there and bring it to me as quickly as possible. Absolutely. It's, it's the Indiana Jones,

the last crusade test. It's a very important test. I mean, she didn't think this pigeon was doing everything for free, did she? Hell no. That's not how this works. So you got to ask questions. Like, wait, are you actually a magical talking bird or are you some creep in disguise?

Uh-huh. So the maiden thereupon went into the cottage and stepped in and there sat an old woman who made a great face when she saw her but said good day my child and the maiden made no answer but went toward the door where are you going cried the old woman which is fair because yeah she's trespassing like who who are you and why are you in my house? I kind of like that it's like this maiden's like super nice, but she'll also just go into this cottage and break into this lady's house and steal her stuff because a bird told her to. She owes that pigeon a lot. That's true.

I'm really torn on this one. This pigeon kept her alive. I'm really torn on this one. This pigeon kept her alive. So the old woman cries out to her and says, That is my house and nobody shall enter it unless I do wish. And she tries to detain the maiden by catching a hold of her dress. But the maiden just silently loosened herself and went into the room and saw the heap of rings upon the table, which glittered and shone before her eyes. Wow. the room and saw the heap of rings upon the table which glittered and shone before her eyes wow she's a really calm trespasser uh-huh just quietly going in ignoring this old lady going through her jewelry

while the old lady protests that like hey this is my house and you shouldn't be in here unless i say it's okay which i don't uh-huh it's like elder abuse seriously she saw the rings and she threw them aside and searched for the plane ring but couldn't find it and while she searched she saw the old woman slip in and take up a birdcage, which she made off with. So, of course, the maiden pursued her and took the birdcage away from her. Again, just rude. As she looked at it, she saw the ring that she was looking for in the beak of a bird in the birdcage. Okay.

She takes the ring. Yeah. So I guess the plane ring was hanging out in the birdcage with another bird. With a different bird. A different bird. Okay. All right. Okay.

So this bird doesn't talk or protest. And she's just chasing down the old lady and yanking stuff out of her frail elderly arms. Not a fan. She took the ring and ran home, joyfully expecting the white pigeon would come back and fetch the ring, but he did not. Home being like those hollow trees? Yeah.

Okay. Back to her neck of the woods, literally. Okay. So the pigeon didn't come, so she leaned herself back against the tree Back to her neck of the woods, literally. Okay. So the pigeon didn't come, so she leaned herself back against the tree and waited for the bird. But presently, the tree became weak and yielding, and its branches began to droop. All at once, the boughs bent round and became two arms, and as the maiden turned around, the tree became a handsome man. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Wait! Whoa! What? No. Okay. Who not only transformed into a human, but embraced and kissed her.

No! Oh, no. Okay. Saying, the tree man said you have saved me out of the power of the old woman who is an evil witch she changed me into a tree a long while ago and every day I became

a white pigeon for a couple of hours but so long as she had possession of the ring I could not gain my human form what what what what classic fairy tale shit wait okay hang on i'm sorry so the trees that she's been sleeping in are those him

well okay thereupon his servants and horses recovered also from the enchantment, for they likewise had been changed into trees. It's that TikTok where you're just like, you're buffering. It's the buffering icon right now in my brain right now. I'm just trying to- You're like, wait. Wait, what? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay. All right. Keep going going keep going yeah it's it's amazing so good so the servants and horses also become

changed back into themselves and once more they accompanied their masters to his kingdom where he was a king's son of course and there he married the maiden and they lived happily ever afterwards. The end. Oh my God. Classic, like what? What's happening? Wow, yes, it's stories. That's why we do a podcast.

It's stories like that. I mean, Puss in Boots is fun and all. Uh-huh. But podcast and stories like that. I mean, puss in boots is fun and all, but it's stories like that. And I'm a tree. And also I was a pigeon sometimes. And that was definitely a witch. Since she was definitely a witch and not just some like old lady.

She didn't do a single thing that was like witchy she was just like sitting in her house minding her own business this girl comes in and just like goes going through her jewelry even though she says even though she even though she says wait no but this is my house and then she tries to leave with her most treasured possession, her pet bird. And as she's attempting to flee, this girl runs her down and yanks the birdcage out of her arms. Like, this is messed up.

It's so good. So good. I love that, like, yeah, I love that the old woman in the wood doesn't do anything witchy at all. So it makes me wonder if she really was. Are you sure it was her who cursed you? Are you just like, like, come on, come on, my prince.

Be real for just a second. Are you just kind of like blaming it on the old woman because you're kind of like a little ageist and a little sexist and so you just decided that she must be a witch who'd cursed you and like what are you a tree or are you a pigeon like did she curse you to be a tree or a pigeon which is it make up your mind oh my god also i mean i've just just had like full on last unicorn flashbacks with the tree becoming like a person who like tries to like molest you. Yeah, just automatically starts kissing her. Like I imagine.

I mean, she's pretty ride or die, though. She just broke into that old lady's house. That's true. On the say so of a pigeon. Like she... You know, she's got gumption or something. Yeah. I think...

The fix is pretty obvious. Like the maiden should have stayed in the woods and became either the new witch or like just became the witch. I't know i know that i want that to happen to me i want to well i don't want everyone i know to be murdered but i do want to go into the woods and have birds tell me secrets and find stuff in trees and that seems like a good recipe for becoming a witch maybe that's how the first one became a witch maybe that was the witch's the original witch's daughter or apprentice whatever maybe i like it that honestly would have been a story that i would have i i you know what i'm not gonna say that i would have enjoyed it more because i enjoyed that quite a bit because yeah wow there were some twists

there but it would have been a better story certainly if she flees into the woods and discovers that she can talk to animals and so the animals help her and so she lives in the woods is like an awesome hermit and teaches herself magic it's always gonna be about a prince though i just always does always does that's how i would fix probably 80 of these fairy tales just that seemed unnecessary there was no need to shoehorn a prince into this story like no wonder little girls are just obsessed with the idea of like getting married and like you don't have other goals like becoming a witch. It's really foisted on us as like a very specific value that we should have. Although I still like it.

It was a fun story. Oh, my God. That was so funny. That was that was incredible. That was so great. What if the tree just wrapped its branches around her and kissed her as a tree and then she became that girl then became that girl the girl that's married to a tree girl that's married to a tree tree man i don't know okay yes yes yes yes yes yes you know that girl the one that's married to a tree Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

You know, that girl, the one that's married to a tree. I know I said it like that's like a normal thing. Anyway, you got two points. There was the talking animal and the other point, the old woman, she was a witch. She was a witch? She was a witch? Was she a witch? Was she a witch? I don't know know but i'll take the point i'll take the point um and then also like i don't know like it turned like it turns out the talking pigeon was actually a prince but i will still take the point i mean that's still a talking animal though it's true it was a talking pigeon and a tree talking tree prince bird this isn't my personal fix but i feel like a fix could be that the prince

wasn't a tree the the pigeon came and became a prince i don't know why the tree was part of the prince transforming into a human i feel like that was a little odd but that's also what made it so funny to me yeah no it's honestly it's what makes the story it's what makes the story so good like it because it's a beautiful capstone on and sometimes i'm a pigeon for like a few hours for a few hours but the thing is like that was the big twist of you know i was expecting like like oh, something's happened to the pigeon. The, I was thinking, Oh, okay.

Um, the witch has probably captured the pigeon because she was the one who cursed him because he's obviously a Prince. And, and now she has to go like hunt, hunt for him. That would be way cool. Like that would have been way,

that would have been awesome. Um, she should have made it a little harder for the maiden. Like, so that's why I was so surprised that the tree comes to life and grabs her. So confused. Yeah, it was a really basic little fairy tale, but I enjoyed it. I thought it was cute.

That was wonderful. Thank you for telling me that story. You're welcome. And that is our show this time around. Thank you so much for listening to Fairytale Fix. If you enjoyed this little romp through whatever that was,

please feel free to subscribe. Leave us a review on Apple or Stitcher or really any podcast catcher that will allow you to leave one. It really does help other people find the show. If you want to support us another way you can get extra episodes merch books other bonus content at our patreon by signing up at fairytalefix.cash

for about what you pay for a latte a month you can also go to our website fairytalefixpod.com and find our patreon there as well as well as as links to our Discord and all of our social media. And then, as ever, please email us your favorite fairy tales, folklore and nursery rhymes, defenses of movies that we've come for, and other such things at info at fairytalefixpod.com. And Puss in Boots gets his due in three paragraphs describing the riches and wonderful things that that cat so richly deserves for being so selfless the entire story. And the maiden stayed in the woods and became the new evil witch, cursing anyone and everyone who came across her until the end of her days. Hmm. Beautiful. And they all lived happily ever after. The end.