Fairy Tale Fix - 25: Fear and More Fear

Episode Date: August 31, 2021

Kelsey tells the story of The Kindly Magician (but was he?) from one of our favorite books, Chinese Fairy Tales and Legends. Abbie reads a story about a father who (as usual) promises way too much, too soon, and his very clever daughter in The Monkey Bridegroom.

Did you say Finnegan's drug? I did. I did. This coffee isn't helping. This coffee is not helping me. I actually think I might chug this and go get another one. Hell yeah. Why not? Why not do it? For everyone's reference, I have a strawberry

banana mimosa this morning. God damn. That sounds incredible. I want that. Very tasty. I got a really fancy Prosecco because I really like sparkling wines. I'm trying to branch out and try some different ones. Which one did you get? I'll have to go look at the bottle. It has a brown label on it. I got it at Trader Joe's. Hashtag not sponsored. I got a really fancy Prosecco, but I don't know which one it is. Yeah. I think I paid a little bit more. I didn't go with the La Marca, which is what we usually do or what I usually do. We. Well, absolutely. No, I mean, like we is correct. When I'm feeling fancy, I mean that like we is correct when I'm feeling fancy I go for LaMarca if I'm feeling like I'm gonna treat myself to something $20 a bottle today yeah yeah I think this was like two dollars more than the LaMarca hashtag not sponsored again

not sponsored but LaMarca is delicious we should totally post this but we've done this isn't our first professional gig together yeah this isn't the first time that we've been paid to talk about various subjects that we are passionate about yeah we had a little uh tv show tv little web show. Oh my God, I can't fucking talk. Oh my God, I don't know. I don't even know what to call that, like a web series of short videos. It was called Fill My Jug. It was! Because we were doing it on behalf of a local liquor store that had jug in the title. They were awesome. It was just a local liquor store and he gave us free alcohol in exchange for giving him cute little one minute videos.

We made him cute little videos for him to put on his YouTube channel and on his Instagram. Yeah. And one of them was LaMarca, probably my favorite. We'll have to post those at some point because they were pretty funny. We absolutely have to post the lamarca one because the lamarca one's my favorite anyway because we scream a lot reviewing that one i was trying to get abby to open it by like popping it and then she did and it startled both of us yep yep yep yep yep that's very on brand for the two of us i think yeah so if you wanted to see our beautiful faces actually together and talking we'll post those at some point maybe. And LaMarca may not stan us, but we definitely stan LaMarca. So I feel like that review is still

solid. Yeah. Good old Finnegan's jug. The person who owns it was really nice, really sweet to us. Frank is a good guy. Yeah. We had a lot of fun doing that. Yeah. sweet to us. Frank is a good guy. Yeah, we had a lot of fun doing that. Yeah. I like the ends are my was my favorite because Abby would add like a cute little not really like a blooper, but just something we did that was really silly. Yeah, something like a cute non sequitur. It's actually what Dustin does only he puts it at the

front of our show right before our intro song. Yep. Always hustling. That's us. Always hustling. Always trying to work together. We're just good partners. We are good partners. I love working with you. Oh, and Adam had a correction. I think he had a correction.

So I was telling him the three mermaids. Obviously, that was our last episode from two weeks ago and i was telling him about the story because i thought it was really funny i don't know when he has a chance to listen to it so i was just i'd just like to tell him like spark note style uh-huh and he said because i was telling uh him what a great name granizia was and he's like it's granizia oh because it's italian and then he also made a really funny joke about the italian cat going meow at the end he's like no you have to say it now oh no oh so many missed opportunities also of course it's granizia that makes purpose yeah i said granizia that's such a cool name and he's like it's probably Grenizia because it's Italian.

Yep, that makes sense. Absolutely. Well. Because my husband's a know-it-all. I was in a drama class with an Italian exchange student in high school whose name was Cecilia, although it was spelled like Cecilia. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. Oops.

On behalf of me, I apologized to italian speakers everywhere yeah we're really sorry granizia is actually way better than that's a way better name than granizia i already liked granizia but granizia just has a really that makes a lot more sense yeah as a name so i just man sorry italy i wish you hadn't told me that i want to go re-record the whole episode now so i could get the names right sorry italy hey we're learning and it's very fun. Yes, it is. I love learning. I love learning about important things and about things that make me feel really stupid. I feel like Italian words are especially hard to pronounce.

When English is your first language. I feel like everything else is hard to pronounce when you speak English as your first language because English makes no sense. Phonetically, like English phonetics is what I was trying to. Because yeah, Garnisia makes perfect sense if you're doing it that way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If, you know, English is your first language. I do have something fun I want to tell you about. Okay.

So this is kind of weird, but there's a spider that lives in my bathroom. Okay, hang on. I'm going to make a prediction about where the story is going because I just know you at this point. So there's a spider that lives in your bathroom. And if you're treating it anything like the one that used to live in your office at Chico State. You want to have babies? Yes, you've been feeding it. Mama spider.

Yes, you've been feeding it. Mama spider. Because I remember you specifically went to Petco and I think bought flies or something to feed to the spider in your office. And then I thought about it. And then you had a little family. I'm pretty sure they all starved to death. And I still feel very sad about that. Yeah, I think they did all starve to death, probably because you were no longer there

taking care of them. Oh, no, they definitely died while were no longer there taking care of them. Oh, no, they definitely died while I was still there in my last work. But this is a different spider. This is Fernando. Tell me about Fernando. So he lives in my bathroom. I don't mind spiders.

I actually quite like them. You know, they keep pests away, even though he's kind of in an obvious spot that I feel like if I had any guests at my house ever, it'd be really embarrassing to be like, yeah, that's just my pet spider. That's just Fernando. He moved in a while ago. I love him. He's great. He's like a little wolf spider or house spider. He's just like a little brown one.

He's small, but I'm really proud of him. He shed his exoskeleton. Good for him. So I feel like he's thriving and it makes me really happy. And also, there's another little spider that moved in next door to him and I named him Jeff. Jeff? Jeff and Fernando. I'm just really surprised Fernando hasn't eaten Jeff because Jeff is like the tiniest spider I've ever seen. Like really tiny.

Do spiders often eat other spiders? I assume so. I think they can eat anything they can get. And I don't think I have a lot of bugs in my bathroom. So I'm actually kind of worried for Fernando too. Hey, Fernando made his choices. Yeah, he has one of those cool little webs that's like a little tunnel. I'm actually kind of worried for Fernando too. Hey, Fernando made his choices. Yeah, he has one of those cool little webs that's like a little tunnel.

So he'll run in and like hide. And when I blow him out, I like spiders. God, the more you talk about it, the more my skin is just crawling. Like my skin is twitching right now. And I'm like, oh God, one of them's on me. But I'm really happy for you and for your little spider roommates they live there they don't bother me I think they're cute actually when I see him I get excited I was so excited when he shed his exoskeleton I was like are there two spiders in there now and then it was not and I got really excited I'm glad Fernando is thriving in your bathroom it feels like he's thriving I feel like that's a good thing that he shed. So that's what's going on in my life. Which is honestly, that is such a Kelsey story

that I am. I'm just delighted. I've known you forever. To those who are new to the joy that is knowing Kelsey, I feel like I get a spider story every few years or so when another important spider comes into her life. For years or so when another important spider comes into her life. For a while there, the important spider in your life was Ellie, which was the tarantula at the nature center that you worked at. Yeah, she was a cutie. She's a Chilean rose tarantula.

She had a big personality. If you held her long enough, she would start to make a web on your hand, which was hilarious because it's like she just puts her butt down and rotates and then puts her butt down again. I thought she was funny. How was that a personality and not just like something that makes you want to scream and fling that giant spider? Because she was so cozy on your hand. She was she was chilling.

She was chilling and chilling. OK, I'm sorry. Again, Dustin, just... I shouldn't be allowed to be on a podcast. Someone take her microphone away. Someone get me a new co-host, I can't. So I was talking to Abby about she's going to come visit me in a month or so. Oh, yeah.

And Abby was like, well, I just got to make sure that you know steven's okay with watching the pets and i was like sorry but pets like plural oh my god oh i was like oh yeah i guess i haven't mentioned on the podcast that i'm planning on visiting yet yeah sure we can talk about that like No, Abby got a cat and failed to mention this to me. I thought that I told you. Yeah, I got a cat. Tell us about your cat because I need more information. I mean, I already know a little bit, but I'm still like, just amazed that you forgot to mention. The cat's name is Bree, which is short for Briag because we named her after Omadon's dragon from the Flight of Dragons movie. Amazing. It is amazing.

That dragon is amazing. That movie is amazing. James Earl Jones plays an evil wizard in that movie. And I highly recommend it to everybody. But it actually is legit. It's legit. It wizard in that movie. And I highly recommend it to everybody. But it actually is legit. It's legit. It's a great movie. So we have this great cat now and she's a tabby and she's four.

And we adopted her from the shelter down the street. And she and the dog are getting along beautifully, which is great. They really enjoy playing. By playing, I mean she puts herself somewhere just out of his reach. And he gets very excited and runs around the thing that she's perched herself on while she stares at him and then tries to bat him occasionally from where she is. And then, and this is how I know that she's enjoying herself and isn't just scared. Because eventually he'll calm down, you know, and he'll go get one of his chew toys and then he'll you know plant himself somewhere in the vicinity and chew his chew toys and she'll stare at him

for a few minutes and she'll start creeping towards him really slowly and she's just planning how do i get his attention again oh that's so cute because occasionally she'll rush forward to wherever he is and then whack him on the nose really really fast and then she'll run back to wherever she was before oh that's adorable yeah it's really it's really cute they they really like each other good oh my gosh I'm so happy to hear that. Yeah, me too. It's always like kind of nerve wracking because Obi, he's a really young dog and he also, you know, is a, he's a pandemic puppy. He wasn't especially well socialized before we brought him home. I don't think he'd ever seen a cat before. So we were just like a little bit like, eh, I don't know.

Like, we'll see, we'll see how this goes. It's probably why I didn't mention it for a while, because I was like, well, we're kind of making sure that Obi doesn't kill the cat. Not that we would have let it get that far. I realize that sounds bad. But we're making sure that Obi doesn't want to kill the cat. Because then obviously, we'd have to send the cat away. Yeah, for sure. And so we we didn't it's kind of like not telling anyone about like a pregnancy before the third month or whatever just in case it doesn't work out but it's working out great good i'm so glad to hear that brie well she is freaking cutie she is so And like the dog just loves her in a very intense but friendly way. Good.

Yeah. We love her too. She's starting to get really cuddly where she just likes to – she's actually spending time like curled up in her laps or in the case of me when I'm trying to work, lying across my keyboard. The best. Just the best. Just the best. She is an accomplished killer of bugs. Nice.

Which is... Not lazy. Yeah, which is really different from our previous cat, who unfortunately passed away last year. But our previous cat wouldn't hurt a fly. We're actually pretty sure that if we ever put out traps, she would warn the thing that we were trying to trap because she was a gentle and lazy soul. Yeah, Thor kitty. She was a good kitty. Yeah, she was a good kitty. But Bree is more than happy to kill whatever. Perfect. Yeah, she's an indoor only cat because I'm pretty sure that if we let her out,

she would be a scourge of the local bird population. And they don't just they don't deserve that heat from her. She should leave them alone. Oh, she sounds adorable. And I'm so happy her and Obie are getting along. Me too. I it's it's really it's really relieving. And we're just a big, chaotic, happy family. Love it. At the moment. So yeah, that's what's going on with me i also got another tattoo i will send pictures of both the cat and the tattoo yeah together to the instagram yeah sure i can make it i can make that work cats and tats cats and tats that's what we do here on fairy tale fix podcast yeah oh my gosh so is there anything business-wise we need to get to before we read our stories?

I think just one thing, and that's basically that we have our podcast-iversary coming up in just a couple short weeks. On September 28th, that will be our anniversary episode of the podcast. And we really wanted to do something big for that to celebrate because we have had so much fun this year. So we're going to be doing a giveaway, possibly like a fairy tale book with some merch. We might do a live fairy tale reading on Twitch or something. We're still sort of working out the details of, of how we want to celebrate our one year anniversary. But we figured that for our regular episode that we release on the 28th, we are going to cover sleeping beauty.

Yay. We're going to do a big one. We're going to go for a big one. We're going to watch a bunch of sleeping beauty related content. Yeah. We'll be, we'll be like reading and watching things inspired by the classic fairy tale. And then we will read the classic fairy tale and talk about different talk about its history, talk about different versions, and just all in

all have a good time with what is definitely one of my favorite fairy tales. Yeah. So if you have any suggestions, any versions of Sleeping Beauty or just related things, definitely let us know. You can message us on Instagram or Twitter or Facebook or email us at info at fairytalefixpod.com. Yes, please. We want to know what your favorite Sleeping Beauty thing is. What's your favorite thing about sleeping beauty because i think there are like a lot of different versions yeah i i'm not i'm not sure if there are a bunch of different versions outside of like probably like a shorter version and a longer and a longer one like what we found is often the case with like these brothers grim stories i thought that was one of the ones where

it's like there's like a French version and like the Brothers Grimm version. Oh, maybe so. I don't know. Like this is partially what we'll do research on and uncover for our Sleeping Beauty episode because I actually realize I don't know a lot about Sleeping Beauty outside of I think i read the original fairy tale once or twice and seen the disney movie so i'm very excited about this that'll be good i'm stoked all right yeah uh make sure to email us or message us at your favorite sleeping beauty trope and you know shows or whatever i know there's a bunch of different movies i know yeah a bunch of different movies there's a bunch of different books based on it or that use themes similar to. All right. Well, are you ready to hear a story today? Because I have a fun one. Tell me. I chose it from Chinese fairy tales and legends.

Nice. Okay. The story I'm reading to you today is called The Kindly Magician. Okay. Oh my gosh. I'm very excited about this. Yeah, I love all of the stories in this book. They are so much fun. Okay. So give me three predictions for The Kindly Magician. Prediction number one, The Kindly Magician is not the main character. He is just someone that the protagonist encounters at some point during the story. Okay. The second prediction, because I've been so richly rewarded by every Chinese story that you've told so far,

I predict that there will be a boss ass dragon in this story somewhere. All right. Excellent. That's the good stuff. And then prediction number three, but my third prediction is that there will be some kind of natural barrier in between the protagonist and whatever their goal is, woods or a river. Okay. That they have to cross and find a clever way to do it.

Okay, cool. I will take all of those. This tale is called The Kindly Magician. Once upon a time, there was a man named Du Zixuan. In his youth, he was a spendthrift and made no heed to his property. He was given to drink and idling, which, same. And when he had run through all of his money, his relatives cast him out. That makes sense, too, though.

And one winter day, he was walking barefoot about the city with an empty stomach and torn clothes. Evening came on and still he had not found any food. And without end or aim, he wandered about the marketplace. He was hungry and cold and seemed well nigh unendurable. Turning his eyes upward, he began to lament aloud. And suddenly, an ancient man stood before him, leaning on a staff. Yes! Who do you think this might be? It might be the kindly magician, I hope. It might be.

Might just be. What do you lack since you complain so? I am dying of hunger, replied Jutsi Shun, and not a soul will take pity on me. So the ancient man said, how much money would you need in order to live in all comfort? Okay. I know. That's an interesting question. How much money would you need? I was just about to say, what an interestingly subjective question.

Like, how much money would I need? I mean, here's the thing. Here's the thing. I'm relatively comfortable right now. Like I'm fine. But that's just because like my job currently pays me enough to sustain more or less the lifestyle I want. But like if someone was just going to hand me money and say, how much do you need to like be good for the rest of your life? Yeah. God, what is that number? I guess take your salary, double that,

and then multiply it by how many years you plan on living. Gosh, that's a really good, there you go. Yeah, I guess like, I don't know, a million dollars. I don't know. Like money. Hang on.

I'm actually going to go. I'm just going to calculate this. I want to get a calculator out. How many more years do i plan on living not very many let's get let's be real i decided it would be seven million seven million okay if i plan to live to 100 which is a huge stretch i don't plan on living that long not very many not very many more years just you know i just want to live to be 100 which is a huge stretch. I don't plan on living that long. Not very many, not very many more years. Just, you know, I just want to live to be 100. But you know what? Now I have an answer in case this guy ever comes to me and asks. Okay. So like if I let's say I want to live

another 70 years or so until I'm 100. See, I'm cheaper than you. I only need about 3 million. Only 3 million. I only need about 3 million. Only 3 million? I only need about 3 million. Like I said, I gave myself a doubled salary. Oh, you doubled your salary. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. To be very, very comfortable. Hang on, hang on. Let me go ahead and multiply that by two. Okay. I need like 7 million. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. About 7 million. You're right. You're right. You're right. I was lowballing myself.

You were absolutely lowballing yourself. I was like, I guess I'm fine right now. I don't know. Well, that's what our friend Zuzi Jun does. Okay. He says, if I had 50,000 pieces of copper, it would answer my purpose. And the ancient said, that would not answer. Well, then a million.

That is still too little. Well, then three million. The ancient man said, that is well spoken. And he fetched a thousand pieces of copper up the sleeve and said, that is for this evening. Expect me tomorrow by noon at the Persian Bazaar. Expect me tomorrow by noon at the Persian Bazaar. I love so much that he also lowballed what he thinks he'll need to be comfortable for the rest of his life. He's like, God, I don't know.

Yeah, and the magician's like, no, keep going. Keep going, bud. No, come on, really, what do you need, though? At the time set, Suzy Chun went to the Persian Bazaar, and there, sure enough, was the ancient, who gave him three million pieces of copper, which is fucking awesome, and then he disappeared without giving his name.

So our boy held the money in his hand. His old extravagance returned. He rode on pampered steeds, clothed himself in the finest furs, and went back to his wine and led such an extravagant life that the money gradually came to an end. You see, that's why. Mm-hmm.

He didn't invest. Didn't invest and forgot that it's not coming in. This is how much you get for the rest of your life. Like you're not. Yeah, exactly. That was a mistake a little disappointing i will say i thought that he would have learned his lesson already reminds me a little bit of some irish fairy tales we've read in the past yeah yes yes absolutely

we need to get a bottle from bottle hill come and uh remind this guy so instead of wearing brocade he had to wear cotton and instead of riding horseback he went to the dogs and finally again he was running about barefoot and in rags as before and didn't know how to satisfy his hunger so once more he stood in the marketplace inside but the ancient was already there and taking him by the hand said are you already back to where you were that's strange however i will help you once more how many years did it take him did it i'm gonna guess like a couple years like a few but it is a fairy tale so it'll probably happen again what you're crazy i'm sure i'm sure that this man on the second time around has learned how to spend his money wisely and also like do kind things for other people with his. Zhu Zicheng was ashamed and did not want to accept help, but the ancient assisted and led him along the Persian bazaar.

This time he gave him 10 million pieces of copper and zuzi chun thanked him with shame in his heart with the money in hand he tried to give time to adding to it and saving in order to gain great wealth but as is always the case it is hard to overcome ingrown faults gradually he began to fling his money away again and gave free reign to all of his desires. And once more, his purse grew empty, and in a couple of years, he was as poor as he had ever been. Then he met the ancient the third time, but now was so ashamed that he hid his face when he passed him. But the ancient seized his arm and said,

Where are you going? I will help you once more, because I'm the fucking best. Aww. And I will give you 30 million but if then do you not improve your past all help which is super he really is like the kindly magician that is so nice i'm excited to get to the end of this story i already have so many thoughts full of gratitude zuzi chun bowed before him and said, In the days of my poverty, my wealthy relatives did not seek me out. You alone have helped me three times, and the money you give me today shall not be squandered, that I swear. But I will devote it to good works in order to repay your great kindness.

And when I have done this, I will follow you through fire and through water if needs be. And the agent replied, That is right. water if needs be. And the agent replied, that is right. When you have ordered these things, ask for me in the temple of Lao Tzu beneath the two mulberry trees. So Zhu Xichun took the money and went to Yangzhou. There he bought a hundred acres of the best land and built a lofty house with many hundreds of rooms on the highway. And there he allowed widows and orphans to live he bought a burial place for his ancestors and supported his needy relations countless people were indebted to him for their livelihood so oh okay okay he's getting it together yeah turned it around turning

it around he's not he's not gonna fuck it up. When all was finished, he went to inquire after the ancient in the Temple of Laotse. The ancient was sitting in the shade of the mulberry trees, blowing the flute. He took Tzu Tzu-Chun along with him to the cloudy peaks of the Holy Mountains of the West. And when they had gone some 40 miles into the mountains, they came to a dwelling fair and clean. It was surrounded by many colored clouds, and peacocks and cranes were flying about it. Which sounds like really pretty. Yeah. Love it.

Within the house, there was an herb oven nine feet high, which I have no idea of what an herb oven is, but it sounds interesting. Hang on. Hang on. I'm just going to Google it real quick just because I am very curious. Herb oven. Nope. Just a lot of references to acupuncture and herbal medicine. Anyway, do continue.

Maybe, I don't know. I have no idea what an herb oven is. Maybe we'll get some context clues. The fire burned with a purple flame and its glow leaped along the walls. Nine fairies stood at the oven and a green dragon and a white tiger crouched beside it. An evening came. The ancient was no longer clad like an ordinary man, but instead wore a yellow cap and wide-flowing garments. Taking three pellets of the white stone, he put them into a flagon of wine and gave them to Juzi-chan to drink.

He spread out a tiger skin against the western wall of the inner chamber and bade tzuzi chun sit down on it with his face turned toward the east and he said now beware no matter what happens to you whether you encounter powerful gods or terrible demons wild beasts or ogres or all of the tortures of the underworld or even if you see your own relatives suffer, do not speak a single word, for all of these are only deceitful images. They cannot harm you. Think only of what I have said and let your soul be at rest. No sooner had he said this than the ancient disappeared. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my gosh. I'm so excited. Like I'm very tense right now enter the worst drug trip

great tell me about it zuzi chun saw only a large stone jug full of clear water standing before him the fairies dragon and tiger had all vanished suddenly he heard a tremendous crash which made heaven and earth tremble a man towering more than 10 feet in height appeared and he called himself a great captain and he and his horse were covered with golden armor he was surrounded by more than a hundred soldiers who drew their bows and swung their swords and halted in the courtyard okay giants Okay. Badass. Terrifying. Yikes. Yeah.

Terrifying. But Jiu-Jitsu-chan remained unmoved, so the giant went off raging. Then a furious tiger and a poisonous serpent came up roaring and hissing. They made as though to bite him and leaped over him, but Tzu Tzu-Chan remained unperturbed, and after a time, they dissolved and vanished. Okay. I know, this is like... He's doing great? He's doing really great you know it's really interesting the magician really didn't say why he should do this

i i also you know i did notice that i am just hoping that all will become clear at some point but at the same time like zushi sh did say, I will do whatever you want. That's true. So this is what he wants him to do. No questions asked. After a while, a great rain began to fall in streams. It thundered and lightninged incessantly so that his ears rang and his eyes were blinded. It seemed as though the house would fall and the water rose to a flood in a few moments time and the streamed up to the place where he was sitting.

But Suzy Chun remained motionless and paid no attention to it. After a time, the water receded. Then came a great demon with the head of an ox. He set up a kettle in the middle of the courtyard, bubbling with boiling oil. Oh, no. He's being tested. Yep. Okay. He withstood the pain and the boiling oil did not harm him. And finally, the demon dragged him out again and drew him down the steps of the house before a man with red hair and a blue face who looked like the prince of the underworld.

Yeah. Okay. The prince cried, dragon his wife. What? Yeah, I know. Apparently, this guy's been married for 10 years and it just is now mentioning it. I think this is a long time after he's had the money, but that seems kind of random to me, too. Wow. Okay.

No, that's true. But it's just like, it just, she just was not mentioned. Yeah, they could have, you know, mentioned her just a little bit before. just was not mentioned yeah they could have you know mentioned her just a little bit before well especially during all of the times of how much their their overall financial well-being fluctuated in the past 10 years there's no mention of does he have kids what you know probably at this point right i just don't know okay anyway they drag his wife in i presume yeah she's brought in with chains and her hair was torn and she wept bitterly yeah yeah she's i'm sure she did the demon pointed to tzuzi chun and said if you speak i will let her go but he answered with not

a word and the prince of evil rude great name yeah that is rude i mean it's one thing to withstand all of these trials on behalf of like yourself and you've decided to take on this pain but the magician did say don't say anything if your relatives are tortured gotcha because he also said like it's not real nothing can harm you yeah that makes more fine yes okay he's just being very strong willed. I get it. He's being super tested. So he answered not a word.

And then the prince of evil ordered the woman to be tormented in all sorts of ways. And she pleaded with Tzu Chi Chun. I've been your wife now for 10 years. Will you not speak to me? Will you not speak one little word to save me? I can endure no more. And the tears ran in streams from her eyes.

Yikes. I know. It's super sad. Oh my God. She's like screaming and he's just not saying a word. Thereupon, the prince of evil shouted,

chop her into bits. And there before his eyes, it seemed as though she were being chopped to pieces but zuzi chan did not move because he's a fucking badass i guess yeah stone cold yeah okay scoundrels measure is full cried the prince of evil he shall dwell no longer among the living off with his head and so they killed him and it seemed to him that his soul fled his body and ox had a demon dragged him down into the lower regions where he tasted all the tortures in turn

hang on sorry i know i'm interrupting a lot with this story okay there's a lot happening there's so much happening and i just wow um i'm just i at first i was i was kind of going down the train of like no the kindly magician is like the best kind of person who just helps people without asking like questions or quizzing them about their worthiness of whether or not they should be helped. You know, what a great guy. What a great moral lesson for us all. And now I'm just kind of like, wait. Or was all of this just, he's just here to be a rich guy who's just fucking with this guy and like because he gave him a lot of money he could just torture him now like what is he actually dead

you'll have to see but yeah it definitely took a turn that i wasn't expecting so i knew you'd love it this is something yep something is happening don't worry i'm not wow it gets worse okay he's in hell he's being tortured to continue yeah but he still doesn't say a word because he remembers the word of the agent and the tortures to seem bearable so he didn't scream and he said not a word so it's like all these things are happening to him but he doesn't actually like feel the pain really like it's not that bad he's able to be sort of distant from it yeah because it's just a really bad drug trip heavy disassociation now he was dragged once more before the prince of evil the latter said as punishment for his obstinacy this man shall come to earth again in the shape of a woman punishment indeed

now there's gender swapping i love the story so much gender swapping punishments the demon dragged him to the wheel of life it It has caps like the wheel of life. Okay. Which is really interesting to me. I want to learn more about that. I have so many questions. Yeah. I wonder if that's a common fixture. And he returned to earth in the shape of a girl. He was often ill, had to take medicine continually. It was pricked and burned with hot needles, yet he never uttered a sound. It was pricked and burned with hot needles, yet he never uttered a sound.

Gradually, he grew into a beautiful maiden. But since he never spoke, he was known as the dumb maid. A scholar finally took him for his bride, and they lived in peace and good fellowship. And a son came to them who, in the course of two years, was already beyond measure wise and intelligent. What is happening? That's my reaction too. One day, the father was carrying his son in his arm. He spoke jestingly to his wife and said, when I look at you, it seems to me that you are not really dumb. Won't you say one little word to me? How delightful it would be if you were to become my speaking rose oh no oh man oh this is so fucked up tricky

tricky but the woman remained silent and no matter how he might coax and try to make her smile she would return no answer then his features changed if you will not speak to me it is a sign that you scorn me and in that case your son is nothing to me either. And with that, he sees the boy and flung him against the wall. And since Du Xichen loved this little boy so dearly, he forgot the ancient's warning and cried out. Damn it. After all of that. So close.

Wow. Okay. Before his cried had died away, Zhu Xichen awoke as though from a dream and found himself seated in his former place. The ancient was there as well. It must have been about the fifth hour of the night. Purple flames rose wildly from the oven, flaring up into the sky and the whole house caught fire and burned like a

torch. You have deceived deceived me cried the ancient seizing him by the hair and thrusting him into the jug of water what in a minute the fire went out and ancient spoke you overcame joy and rage fear and fear fear and fear fear and more fear well fucking seriously so much i know though i know though i know though like i i'm not even i made sense to me when you said it to be honest it was like yeah no that was a lot you should say it twice the ancient spoke you overcame joy and rage grief and fear hate and desire it is true but love you had not driven from your soul. Had you not cried out when the child was flung against the wall, my elixir would have taken

shape and you would have attained immortality. But in the last moment you failed me. Now it is too late. Now I can begin brewing my elixir once more from the beginning and you will remain a mere mortal man. What? What. What?

What? What? Abby's face. It was all a test. It was all a test. He would have been a mortal. I mean, I kind of figured

it was like a test for something, but I didn't realize that like in addition to all of like the kindly magician had singled this dude out to become

immortal why you know yeah okay i feel like the magician was like found like a poor guy and then was like you're gonna owe me so hard and then he kept fucking it up and he's like you're gonna owe me even more now i gotta test this elixir out either it's gonna kill you horribly well but he says he has to start over and start brewing it again like what what is this maybe you're about to tell me maybe i should shut up about what the situation is here and like why he why he's doing this i guess i should finish this god i have so many thoughts and feelings so many thoughts and feelings. So many thoughts and feelings. Zhu Zichen saw that the oven had burst and that instead of the philosopher's stone, it held only a lump of iron. The ancient man cast aside his garments and chopped it up with a magic knife.

Zhu Zichen took leave of him and returned to Yangzhou, where he lived in great affluence. In his old age, he regretted that he had not completed his task. And he once more went to the mountain to look for the ancient. But the ancient had vanished without leaving a trace. The end. You're welcome. Yeah. Wow.

Okay. Right. That was like a lot of story for kind of a lot of nothing. Wow. So much happened. But also at the end, nothing had happened really. Wow. Oh my gosh. I have, wow. I have so many thoughts and so many feelings about this story. I don't even know really where to start. So I told Adam this story this morning. Uh-huh. where to start.

So I told Adam this story this morning. Uh-huh. And he said, so the moral of the story is women should shh. And I told him I was going to tell you that and tell him to kick his ass. Wait. Where'd he get that? Where was that?

Because he only made a noise after he became a woman. Oh, sure. Yeah. That's the moral of the story. I told him you had to kick his ass. Yeah, I will absolutely kick his ass. I mean, the thing is, the thing is, is that there are so many folk and fairy tales where that is exactly the lesson of the story. So I don't know if I'm allowed to be too mad.

Wow. Okay. Tell Adam I will find, I will devise some way to punish him for such, for such a speech. Anyway, I thought that was such a wild ride. Yeah,

that was a wild ride. It didn't really mean anything. And there really wasn't any kind of like point or end. I, I don't know. I disagree. I really do like that he he goes through all of these tortures and he's able to put aside grief fear pain desire all of all of these sort of like earthly tethers and tethers to your body and tethers to your existence

and he's able to put all of that aside except for love and and that you need to put love aside too if you want to become something more than human and something and something immortal that you need to that you can't love and i i really actually like that he's able to put all of that aside except for his love. The line of demarcation, I guess, between what is a person and what is not. And not just love, but like a mother's love specifically. And that he couldn't put that aside in order to complete this task. I like that, actually.

It totally trips me out, too, because he starts off as a little girl and becomes a maiden and gets married and has kids. So it's like, he's on this drug trip for like, well, he lives an entire lifetime. Yeah. As this woman,

which is crazy. Yeah. I know that story had like everything. Wow. That story had like, honestly, I'm like, there's a lot to unpack in that, in that story and what the lesson of that story had like honestly i'm like there's a lot to unpack in that in that story and what the

lesson of that story might be and i'm sure there's like cultural context don't have kids i'm sure they make you super fucking weak they make you so weak that you end up being an immortal being so don't bother with the children that was my takeaway that wasn't yours uh no i i don't know what my takeaway is on that story yet but i love your conclusion i yeah wow that's a really that's a really interesting story i think we're missing potentially some cultural context oh yeah probably for a few different ways that that story could be interpreted. But wow, I really like it. I know. Isn't that great? I like Yeah, I like that story a lot. I genuinely love all of the stories in this book. They are so good. Every single one

has been gold in that book. Wow. So like, wow. Yeah, that that took such that took so many left turns. About what I thought this story was going to be about and then what it ended up being about. That was my reaction while reading it. And I was like, Oh, Abby's gonna love this. Did I get any points? You got one point because the magician wasn't the main character. That's true. Okay. There was a dragon in it. But it wasn't a boss-ass dragon. Yeah.

No, I specifically said boss-ass dragon. I got excited, but the dragon didn't say anything. I was looking for a story that had a boss-ass dragon, but I just thought that one was so wild and had the Prince of Darkness. Or wait, Prince of Evil. Well, and they also made a reference to the philosopher's stone in the book and i'm not sure if that's a if that's an actual something that made a cross that was that that's a crossover item in chinese mythology or because because you know that's that's obviously like a big

something something big and sort of western european mythology is the concept of a philosopher's stone so i'm just curious to see if it's the same thing or if that was just what they translated it to and it's similar enough in chinese culture okay so it does so what i one other thing i really love about this book which if you go into our show notes i'll put a link so you can look it up you can buy it for yourself but it has cool cool notes at the end of each story. But it actually says what an herb oven is. Oh, okay. It has a few things.

What's an herb oven? It has a few things that might be enlightening. So herb oven is a tripod kettle used for brewing the elixir of life. So that would have been helpful to know. Yeah. With which the fairies, dragon, and tiger are connected. In order to prepare the elixir, the master must have absolute endurance. It is for this reason that he placed Zhu Xichen in his debt.

Oh, wow. Okay. So was he really that kindly? No, I was just about to say that like if there was supposed to be a lesson in there about like giving people help without asking questions. He's still rich for the rest of his life. So didn't really help him yeah he really did but i mean in but in the end like also this guy sort of helped himself too by learning to be wise and generous with these gifts so it also says there's a an asterisk at purple flames rose wildly from the oven. Though Zuzi Chun had overcome his other emotions. So the fear and terror didn't affect him love and love in its highest form.

Mother love still remained in him. And this love created the flames that threatened to destroy the building. And the highest point in Taoism as in Buddhism is however, the absolute negation of all feelings. So you talked about that earlier. Wow, that is so, that's cool. You were so right. That's cool.

I was so right. You're so smart. So smart. And funny and pretty. Also, thank you, Eastern Religions class in college. I know, I loved Eastern Religions class. It was super fun. Any other great tidbits?

So obstinacy, literally, his real offense, however, I know. I loved Eastern religions class. It was super fun. Any other great tidbits? So absentee, literally, his real offense, however, is reticence or the keeping secret of a thing. This quality belongs to the yin, the dark or feminine principle, and determines Tzu Tzu Chen's reappearance on Earth as a woman. So, yeah, there's a lot packed into this story. That is a lot. Mm-hmm. That was a good one. Thank you so much for telling me that story. That is a lot. That was a good one. Thank you so much for telling me that story. Is there a way that you would fix that story? No, definitely not. I love it just as is. I think it was really a lot. Wild ride start to finish. Yeah. All I want is what I usually want, which is

where's my companion story about why the kindly magician is doing this or the not so kindly magician i want more information on the kindly magician i want to know his backstory and if he does eventually find someone to help him create life in the crazy yeah immortality yeah no never mind i found out my one fix and again it's a very predictable it's a very predictable fix for me his wife not going to be mentioned at all outside of the parts where she's being fucking tortured Never mind. I found out my one fix. And again, it's a very predictable. It's a very predictable fix for me. His wife not going to be mentioned at all outside of the parts where she's being fucking tortured. That's literally the only time that we're going to mention the one. Yeah, I was like, oh, so he's been he's been doing OK for a while then.

I guess. Yeah. OK. Sure. He has a wife now. But we're only going to mention her like literally not even at the end of the story, like where he goes home,

they don't mention her. She literally is only mentioned when she's being brought out to be like tortured so that he can be like silent about it. Still calm, ready to become an immortal. I would have lost that. I would have said something like a second after he told me not to, but I'm like,

wait, what, what, wait, what are the rules? Why are we doing this? Yeah. That's why you and I are not cut out for immortality.

And also probably why maybe Adam's right about what the moral of the story is. Women just can't shut up long enough to become immortal and transcend themselves. Can they? You know, long enough to become immortal and transcend themselves can they you know that actually reminds me of so aurora messaged us on facebook again uh-huh with an amazing meme by the way that i'm gonna send to you right now okay because it's it relates to this So she made a meme that was, as she put it, very niche, which, yes, absolutely, Aurora, but I loved it. But it says, don't ask questions.

Just take the key and do what the bird says. Don't ask questions. Don't ask questions. Just do what the bird says. That is the moral of the story of that one anyway she made a meme for us by the way i love that so much i i feel so famous you are making memes for us i love her so the story that i am telling you today is a story called the monkey bridegroom and it's from japan i'm using my book, Fearless Girls, Wise Women and Beloved

Sisters. And I've spoken before on the show about how Kathleen Reagan didn't exactly put a lot of contextual notes outside of noting what country the different stories were from. And often I have a hard time like actually googling it and looking up any additional information about the story. googling it and looking up any additional information about the story and then i realized like she has an entire acknowledgments section of the book at the beginning that acknowledges all of her sources i you know what it's okay so she has all of her sources up at the front so i can also acknowledge those people since those tend to be more original sources of the people who are originally telling the stories. The Monkey Bridegroom is a story from Japan. And Kathleen found the story in a book of folk tales of Japan by Keigo Seki.

Okay. And it was, I think think originally published in like 1963 so that is the story i also found another version of it in a different folk tale book from around the same time that where things go slightly differently so i'll tell you at critical points where they go a little different go ahead and give me three predictions for the monkey bridegroom from Japan. Prediction number one, somebody turns into a monkey. I like it. Okay. Prediction number two, there is a curse. There's a curse. There's a curse. It's not too vague. No, it's not too vague. It's fine. Prediction number three. I want to be about the moral of the story.

This is probably wrong, but I'm going to guess that it's a creation story. Ooh, okay. Those are all really fun predictions. Yeah. I should probably save my fun ones for the bonus odes, but. You probably should. But it's too late. Those are your predictions.

So. Lay it on me. Away we go go this is the monkey bridegroom in a certain place there lived an old man and one day he went out to dig up gobo roots which is a type of vegetable that's a staple in rural japan and he couldn't dig out a single one And just as he was wondering what to do about that, a monkey came along and called out grandfather, shall I help you pull up gobo roots? And the old man says, Yes, please help me. If you will dig up some roots for me, I'll give you one of my daughters as your wife. Oh, okay. Yeah, the monkey already offered though.

Oh, okay. Yeah. The monkey already offered though. Yes, but there's some cultural notes in the back of the book about the importance of making sure that you're not taking anything from someone without reciprocal. It still feels like he could have just asked one of his daughters to help him pull up roots. You would think that he could have just asked one of his daughters. And then you wouldn't have to wed your daughter to a monkey. Then we would have no incredible story. Okay, fine, I guess.

Anyway, he offers one of his daughters as the monkey's bride. Will you really do that? The monkey cried. Well, then I shall come to claim her in three days. And the old man, thinking that the monkey surely would never come to claim one in three days and the old man thinking that the monkey surely would never come to claim one of his daughters agreed to all that he said even the monkeys like dude i think you're really overselling a little bit okay i just offered to help you pick up some roots but i'll take it so the old man thinks that the monkey won't come for one of his

daughters which i don't know why he would think that because they always do. And the monkey begins pulling out gobo roots with him and soon they have a large pile. The old man thinks that monkey certainly has pulled up a lot of roots. Perhaps he really intends to come for one of my daughters. He's beginning to get a little worried about it. Is this guy suffering from like heat stroke? I don't know. Because he's making terrible decisions. Oh no. Oh God.

Did I just promise that monkey one of my kids? So a little overly generous. Finally, the monkey had pulled up every gobo root in the field. Well, he said to the old man, I shall surely come for your daughter. And then he scampered off. And the old man thought to himself, wow, he must really intend to show up. Why don't I ever tell him I'd give him one of my daughters? What shall I do? I don't think that any of my girls will agree to become his wife. I must try to persuade one of

them. This is what happens when you don't ask first. So the old man walks sadly home, talking to himself, trying to work himself through this problem. And when he gets home, he calls his eldest daughter and after telling her what had happened, said, when the monkey comes in three days, will you go to be his bride? What? She cried. Who would ever want to become a monkey's wife? And she refused to even consider it. Yeah, that's fair that's fair the old man then called his second daughter and asked her the same thing why she cried what a fool you are who would ever make a promise like that i may be older than your than our youngest sister but i'm

not going to become the monkey's bride i don't think anyone would do it and she refused completely is the youngest nicest one gonna be like anything for you daddy you know it since the older two have refused the old man thought to himself i don't think the youngest will agree either however i'll have to ask her there's nothing else to be done he went to his youngest daughter and told her what he had promised and that the monkey would be coming in three days to get his bride your sisters had both refused will you please go and be his bride his face paling the old man made his request the girl thought for a while and then replied yes father since you promised i will go and upon hearing this the old man was overjoyed crying really will you really do

it you can really count on the youngest daughters yep they're always they're always daddy's girls yeah they're always daddy's girls they are here to help you save face when you make a promise every time does it doesn't matter what country doesn't matter at all. They're here for you. Because this is definitely giving me big east of the sun, west of the moon vibes. Yeah. And devil in the green coat. Devil in the green coat. Yes, exactly. Yeah. So he's very excited. He's asking, really, will you go? I will go because of my duty to you, said the girl. But you must give me three things to take with me. What things do you want? He asked. I will give you anything you request. Please give

me a very heavy mortar together with a heavy maul for pounding rice and one toe of rice. And a toe, according to the book, is about 50 pounds. What? He cried. Is that all you want? If so, you shall have them. And he soon brought all of those items to her. In the other version of the story, she requests a big earthen jar with lots and lots of needles put in it. Interesting. Interesting.

Interesting deviation. So he brings her everything that she asks for. And on the third day, the monkey comes as he had promised. The youngest daughter says to him, I am to become your bride. But when we go back to the mountains, we will want to eat rice mochi. So let's take this mortar, maul, and bag of rice with us. You can carry it all on your back. And the monkey loaded everything onto his back.

It was very, very heavy. But since his bride had requested it, he did not want to refuse. And they set off up the mountain, the monkey carrying his heavy load. What kind of monkey do you think this is? Because I mean, there's a lot of different kinds of monkeys out there. I don't know. Honestly, had intended to Google like monkeys, monkeys native to Japan. I think it might be a macaque. Yes, there's a a japanese a japanese monkey or macaque is native to japan and is found on all of the main islands oh i you know what i remember watching a nature documentary in an anthropology class about these particular monkeys because we were learning about how

culture is transmitted from parents to children and they were actually using these macaques as an example of washing your food being taught by by like monkey mothers to their children but that was also like a newly invented technology among this particular group of monkeys that like one day some monkey got the idea to start washing her food and then she taught her children and then her children taught their children etc etc etc and thus culture and technology is transmitted between people anyway i remember that that movie yeah but they're very like they're they're nice looking monkeys they're kind of like medium sized dish and they've got they're very cute whitish tan fur and really adorable bright pink faces. Yeah, definitely not like the worst if you're going to be an animal's bride.

Not the worst thing to be married to. I mean, that's at least a little closer to home than a polar bear. Yeah, but you can't ride this monkey around. It's too small. That's true. But you can strap a giant mortar pestle and bag of rice to its back. I guess. I feel like 50 pounds would be a lot for that tiny monkey, but go on. Anyway.

Okay. I just wanted to get a picture in my head for what kind of monkey we're talking about. Yeah. And for those of you listening at home, Google macaque or snow monkey. Yeah, they're very cute. So they head up the mountain, the monkey, his bride, and the heavy load that he's carrying on his back. And it was just the beginning of April. And on both sides of the road, the cherry trees were in full bloom. They traveled along until they came to a place where the road went close to the edge of a

deep canyon. At the bottom of the canyon, there was a river. At this point, the branches of the cherry trees fell over into the canyon, making such a beautiful scene that the girl stopped saying to the monkey, oh, such a lovely cherry tree. Will you please climb up and get me a branch of those cherry blossoms? And since this too was a request from his bride, the monkey agreed and began to climb up into one of the trees. Please get some flowers from the topmost branch, the girl cried from below. So the monkey continued to climb higher and higher. Is this about right? He asked, but the girl urged him higher and higher until he had climbed up to where the branches were very small and weak. It seems like a trap.

It's it's yes, you are right. It is a trap. The load on his back was very heavy and the branch he was on was very small suddenly it broke and the monkey fell headlong into the canyon below landing with a splash in the river as he sank from sight with the heavy mortar on his back he sang this song i do not regret my death but oh how sad for my poor bride And he soon disappeared from view. The girl was very happy and returned to her home the end. That monkey was so sweet. I know.

She was cold. I feel increasingly bad for the monkey as the story goes on. Yeah. Because he's just, you know, he's doing everything she asks of him. And then his final thought is sort of worrying about her. Like, oh, I hope she won't be too sad. Like, not knowing that she orchestrated his death.

Uh-huh. You know, I was actually, I didn't want to, like, say that because I didn't want to sound like a jerk. But I was thinking, I mean, you could just kill the monkey. Like monkeys are kind of small, right? And she did kill the monkey. done the devil in the green coat we've done east of the sun west of the moon in which these women are promised to either either very very scary men or literal animals on behalf of debts owed by their fathers and they accept uh-huh the beauty and the beast is another example it usually turns out that it's like a prince or royalty. Like something good comes of it.

But this. I liked that this story took a different turn with that very common theme. Yeah. But despite the fact that especially when you compare this to the polar bear prince from east of the sun, west of the moon, this monkey was downright princely in behavior comparatively yeah yeah do you have a fix nothing that wouldn't make this story not happen my my fix is like ask one of your daughters to help you go pick roots yeah right yeah no i think it would have been funny if the monkey had turned into a prince but still died but still died that would have been that would have been good also i'm just curious like because as much as i like that this ending sort of subverts that trope i'm a little curious to see what would have happened if she'd stuck with

it i don't know like yeah but i do appreciate that she was clever enough to get herself and her family out of this situation. Yeah, for sure. And she didn't sort of just passively accept that this is what her life has to be now. Oh, for sure. Yeah. She was like, no, no, I get it, dad. Family has to save face. Totally understand. You made a promise. Can't not keep our promises, right? So I'll just kill him. I'll just kill him. Oh, I like her. I really like it. So no, I guess I don't really have a fix for it.

Like there's a couple of things that I'm curious about, but no, that was fine. That was great. I like it. Oh, I do feel really bad for the monkey though. He seemed very like he didn't ask to marry one of his daughters. Yeah. And I think for what it's worth, he probably would have made an okay husband. Yeah. He just seemed genuinely like, hey, I'll help you pull up these roots. And then he's like,

you're going to give me a daughter. Okay. Okay. And then he's all worried about her. Yeah. His final thought is of her. So I don't know. It's just star-crossed, star-crossed lovers. That was fun. That was a good one. Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed that. I didn't get any points. points no you got no points at all but that's okay yeah no points but I liked your I liked your guesses

they were good guesses well thank you so much for listening to today's episode of Fairytale Fix if you enjoyed the show please subscribe leave us a review

on Apple or Stitcher and if you want to support us you can get extra episodes merch books other bonus content at our patreon by signing up at fairytalefix.cash for about what you pay for a latte a month you can find us on twitter and instagram at fairytalefixpod and please email us your favorite fairy tales folklore nursery rhymes and other such things at info at fairytalefixpod.com. And they were perfect and no fixes. So they lived happily ever after.

The end.