Fairy Tale Fix - 31: Apple Tree Man Knows All

Episode Date: November 23, 2021

Kelsey enjoys a cup of hot apple cider (possibly with vanilla whiskey) while telling the story of The Apple Tree Man and explains some background about wassailing, and Abbie tells the story of The Old Witch who really needs to do her chores more often. Make sure to subscribe on Apple, Spotify, Stitcher, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Send your stories to [e-mail] and follow us on Instagram and Twitter @fairytalefixpod. Fairy Tale Fix Podcast is a Fantastic Worlds Production. If you enjoy the show, help us out by joining our Patreon at fairytalefix.cash and visit us at fairytalefixpod.com.

we've mutually trapped each other into doing this podcast. So that's good. I'm okay with it. I'll allow it. It's been so much fun. we're both always mutually late for our podcast yep but that's good that makes me i i think that that means that it just it just feels like a very casual hang which yeah which i like personally it's very casual makes it very low pressure it's extremely casual yeah this is the casual uh fairy tale podcast where you don't get facts and sometimes you get facts. Sometimes you don't. But the facts are mispronounced and from Wikipedia. And loosely researched. Very loosely, lightly researched. We look at the first thing that comes up in the Google search.

Yep. Yep, that's what I did today. Is what we read about it and that's it. If you want an education, you're going to have to go elsewhere, but we do have a lot of fun. There's lots of educational podcasts out there. Yeah. So, you know, but I'm really excited to hear the, because I remember vaguely you telling me last year, but it was right as December was coming to a close, or we already had our stories picked out for winter last year or something. I think it might have been in the spring when I

read it. But I remember you saying like, oh my God, I read a story. I love it so much. I can't wait to tell it to you. And I was like, oh, that's great. I can't wait for our next recording. And you were like, oh no, I can't tell it to you until late fall. And you were like, oh, no, I can't tell it to you until late fall. I know. I was really bummed about that because the story, I mean, it's just so good. Has that happened to you? Where you're like, oh, wait, this would be a good seasonal one.

Yep. Yeah, I've definitely, there's definitely been, I can't, I mean, I can't think of any off the top of my head right now, but there's definitely some that I've waited for, for the more appropriate time. Yeah. God, these stories are so good. I know. How great are fairy tales? The best. Very exciting. I'm always excited about this. I always like read a story and I get way too excited to tell you. Well, I mean, do we just want to crack into it today? Just want to tell me your story do we have any like housekeeping update type things that we need to do or how are you are you hung over

nice i'm not even gonna lie i'm a little hung over today i um went I went out for, you know, honestly, I went out for a beer with my new friend Nyla here in the city. We went for a beer, turned into two beers, but it was still just two beers. But I didn't eat yesterday. I just kind of forgot. Yeah, that's always a mistake. Yeah. I kind of forgot until dinner time about food and eating it. And then we went for a walk and then I had a beer, but it was an 8%. And then I had another 5% on top of it. Beer is the worst to drink when you have an empty stomach because it fills you up.

And then you're like, I don't need to eat anything. I feel great. I'm going to have another beer. Yeah. I mean, I did eat something when I got home, but I had a great time. It was a wonderful evening. I had exactly two beers and now to end now because I am 31. I don't feel so good. Oh, I'm sorry. No, it's okay. I did it to myself. And my body just can't. I just can't have those beers like I used to have them.

It's just a reality of getting older. I definitely feel that. Been there so many times. Friday, actually. Yesterday was my hangover day. so I'm feeling great today. I'm so glad that you're feeling amazing today. I wasn't too bad yesterday, really. No, I feel more or less fine.

It's just like it's a headache and I feel sort of bleh, but it's fine. We got a really nice walk though there's a big park by my house and it we kind of went sort of in the evening so it was very it was just kind of getting darker and it was crisp and cool and yeah i was drinking a hot apple chider which is my favorite thing ever for the walk that sounds so good it was amazing yourself or did you get it somewhere? I made it myself. Abby is a chai queen. I don't know if she's ever talked about this before, but she used to work for a chai company. I used to work for Chico Chai. The best chai company. Shout out. 100%. I still 100% stand it. They don't sponsor me or anything. 100%. I still 100% stand it.

They don't sponsor me or anything. Although, Sarah, if you are listening, I would accept a Chico Chai sponsorship. Oh, yeah. Yeah, their chai is my absolute favorite. It's so good. Yeah, their chai is so good. And Abby knows how to make all of the specialty drinks. Yeah, because I used to work the booth at the farmer's market where I'd serve them to

people. So we did pumpkin pie chai and apple chai. The boba one's my favorite. Yeah, we did. We did cardamom boba. So just like boba and a cardamom simple syrup. And we'd usually pair that with our iced oolong chai tea. Saying chai tea is actually redundant. I was gonna say when you said chai tea, I was like, really? Yeah. I mean, because I used to yell at people who said that because I was being pedantic. And now I've and now it's sort of started seeping back into my vocabulary now that I haven't worked there a couple years. But yeah, chai just means tea. It's it's I wasn't gonna say anything. But that made me giggle a little bit no it's fine i had to catch myself just being like no you it's not don't say chai tea i do the same thing honestly

and i didn't work for the chai company though so i feel like i get a pass yeah you gotta you gotta pass i feel like i feel like most um most americans gotta pass until uh until someone tells them uh- them chai means tea. And then you can just call it chai. It's fine. We've all got our own things we're pedantic about. Like mine is when somebody says like, oh, that's karma or like instant karma. Every time I think karma doesn't work that way.

That is not how karma works. But, you know, after explaining it to people and being annoying you eventually realize nobody cares nobody actually cares yeah that's the shut up kelsey it's a hard realization to come to that nobody actually cares and you're so you're just kind of coming off like an asshole instead one of those things i do is uh it's called bruschetta it's pronounced bruschetta because it's like an italian thing it's not a french thing but in french it would be bruschetta but if i say bruschetta i sound like a fucking asshole like i sound like the most annoying person yeah so although you are the person that started because you made bruschetta for me

a few years ago and i called it bruschetta and you corrected me and i have not been able to get that out of my head for nobody else says it that way except for probably like fancy chefs like i got really really into cooking and making my own bread and stuff maybe not making my own bread but like i made focaccia that's another one everyone says focaccia instead of focaccia fucking chef john i love you but chef john from food wishes he's the one that made me sound like a jerk he did this to you. Although Okay, so here is so here's the here's the word that I get that I got pedantic about that everybody hated me for. And it's such a Chico thing. I don't think I think anybody who but so this might be annoying for anybody who's not from there. But what was it? Amen? No, oh my god. Okay, sorry. But that's too. Sorry. Now

there's two stories. Now there's two stories. Now there's two stories. The first story is when I worked at Chico Chai and I would do, I would work at the, at the booth serving people chai. And you know, one of our options was chai with almond milk. You could have chai with whole milk or chai with almond milk. And people would come up and be like, I'd like a chai with almond milk. And I would say like, okay, one chai with almond milk coming right up. And they'd be like, oh, you must not be from around here. We call it almond here. And it's all like, no, I am from around here. And I say almond.

I've lived here since I was two. I still say almond. It's the way you're supposed to pronounce it. And I don't, shut up. Yeah. And Chico's kind of rural. So they say like, we shake the L out of it so it's almond and not almond yeah i mean that's cute like it's cute and it's fine if that's the way you say it but

it was always the look on their face like they would just look so smug yeah about the fact that oh you must not be from around here no we're just not just not. Fuck you. We're just not farmers. I'm just not an almond farmer. Uh-huh. I'm a townie and I call it almond. Ah, anyway. Okay, what was the other one? The other thing was everybody, we had a local

pizza place, maybe a New York style pizza. Everybody called it Celestinos. It is Celestinos. It's Celestinos. It is not Celestinos. is Celestinos it's Celestinos it is not Celestinos and I realized that I am getting big time on my high horse for someone that was pronouncing Italian names Cecilia and Grenizia

a few just a few episodes ago I understand I am the I am the world's biggest hypocrite I have actually asked the owner of Celestinos too is it Celestinos or Celestinos and he's like it owner of Celestinos too. Is it Celestinos or Celestinos? And he's like, it's definitely Celestinos. Yeah.

It's such a great pizza place. Everybody gets the name wrong. And every time I hear it, it takes all of my effort not to like correct them. Even though, yeah, we say Grenisia instead of Grenisia. Because we're giant hypocrites. But still, I stand by it. You should call it the right thing. Dustin, you're a frequent offender.

No, does Dustin say Celestinos? You know what? Maybe, you know, I might be slandering his name when he's not here to defend himself. I might be misremembering it. But there was someone, there's someone in my life who calls it Celestinos every time, even though I have corrected them every single time.

And now I think they're doing it because they want to make me upset. Yeah. Or to make a point that I'm being annoying, which is valid and super fair. We've all got our things. I think if anyone ever tells you you say something wrong, you just reply, I've heard it both ways. And leave it at that. Because maybe you have, maybe you haven't, but who cares? That's very diplomatic.

It's fine. Very diplomatic of you. I like it. Heard it both ways. So I'm so excited to tell you this story. It is called The Apple Tree Man. Yes. Oh, my God god from botanical

folktales of britain and ireland and it was collected by folklorist ruth tongue around 1920 in somerset amazing okay so i have some really great stuff to tell you about this story uh but i'm gonna tell you after you give me your three predictions about the apple man it's the apple man or the apple tree man sorry yeah the apple tree man okay because that's it's important i feel like that's crucial it is it's very important okay the apple tree man okay i think that the apple tree man is a person that only ever seems to be encountered near an apple tree grove. He appears no other place.

I'm not giving you any hints. Nope. I feel like sometimes I give you hints. It's really hard not to. I just want you to win. You've always got my back. You're always in my corner. My second prediction is that there will only be an apple tree in the story for a

paragraph. That's a really great prediction. And our protagonist is a young man out to seek his fortune in the world somehow. Okay. I love that. So. These are my predictions. The apple tree man is a person that seems to be encountered only near an apple tree orchard. Mm-hmm. He is only to. Sorry.

There's only going to be an apple tree for one paragraph in the story. And it's about a young man out to seek his fortune yep i love it those are great predictions thank you let's get started tell me the story so i love this book because it is one of those folklore books where in the beginning it gives you a little bit of a background so the so in english folklore the apple tree man is the name given to the spirit of the oldest apple tree in the orchard and in whom the fertility of the orchard is thought to reside tales about the apple tree man were collected by ruth tongue in the cider producing county of somerset it is said that every orchard has its own apple tree man.

That is really cool. Hell yeah. That is awesome. Oh man, one of my predictions was going to be the apple tree man is the spirit of an apple tree, but... That would have been more on the nose. That would have been much more on the nose. Anyway though, yeah, I'm so excited about that. That's great. Yeah. Speaking of which, after I did my research today, I went. So the reason I was a little bit late after we already like rescheduled was I had to go

make myself a nice cup of hot apple cider because it just goes so well with this story. It goes perfectly with the story. Absolutely. So if you are listening, I very highly recommend pausing and going to make yourself some hot apple cider with or without vanilla flavored whiskey in it. That's totally up to you. Up to you. I'm not going to tell you what I did, but I bet you can guess. Well, it was very specific vanilla flavor.

Like, you know, you could have said with or without a shot of brandy and I wouldn't and I, you know, could have gone either way. But you got very specific. Mm hmm. All right. All right. Tell me the story. I'm very here is the apple tree man. There was an old farmer who had two sons.

The elder was hardworking and thoughtful. He had a love of the land, of the nature and the old ways, which made his life rich. His pockets never jangled with coins, but he never really minded about that. The younger son was very different. He was spoiled and greedy, and he expected everything to be done the way he wanted. And we all know someone like this. The two brothers had no love for one another, which is like really, really sad. I love my sister.

I can't imagine like not having your sibling be your best friend. Yeah, I mean, I know like, it definitely happens. I've seen it more than a few times. But it always makes me super sad because yeah, it's a built-in friend for life or it should be. But sometimes, I guess sometimes,

you know, it's not a guarantee. I also like that it's the older brother in this story that is like the harder working one. Because usually it's always like the younger brother is the nice protagonist. Usually there's three brothers and only the third one doesn't suck. Yep. Somehow. The old man died one spring and it was the custom in that part of the country that the youngest son got all of the inheritance. What?

The big house, everything in it, all the land, and all the animals. Speaking as the oldest sibling, I take, no, that's not how it works. Yeah, that doesn't seem very fair. He made a great play of giving bits and pieces to his extended family, but he also delighted in his new power to make his older brother feel small and worthless. Because, you know, fairy tale siblings. Wow. Okay. The older brother got the castoffs and worn out things.

His dad's old moth-eared donkey, an ox that had all gone to skeleton and sores, and a tumbledown old shack and outhouse with a scant bit of grass and two or three groaning old ancient apple trees nearby, and all that remained of an orchard where his dad had once lived with his grandfather, but the cottage was only rented to the older brother. The younger one made sure that he always got rent in full and that the elder brother took it up to the big house on time every month. He always got rent in full and that the elder brother took it up to the big house on time every month. So it's also it's like a fairy tale sibling and mean landlord all in one.

All rolled into one. Oh, my God. No. This is awful. Well, the older brother is just the best and doesn't complain about any of it. He rolled up his sleeves and set to work. Oh, my God. Is this going to be one of those stories about how like he just works so much harder that all of that stuff is going to be absolutely amazing after he put some hard work into it? I mean, I don't know about hard work, but you'll see.

Okay, I'm excited. I'm excited. Go on. Go on. He went out along the lanes to cut lush grass for the two animals and cut ash elm holly and ivy for leaf fodder he gathered the gentler healing herbs from the springtime hedge grow clover goose grass fingers and thumbs and he made sure there was plenty for the animals to eat the ox and the donkey fattened up quickly and with the advice from a local wise woman, possibly a witch.

Ooh, I hope so. He mashed together burdock, comfrey, and nettle to put on the sores of his ox, saying the right words as he did so, and the old ox picked himself up and walked smart and strong. Yeah, for sure. A witch. Definitely a witch. Yeah. He's doing witchcraft on this ox. He's doing witchcraft right now.

He's saying the right words and rubbing like a tincture that he made himself on it. Like this man's a witch which I like him even more. And I like that they

list the herbs out in this book too. Like of course I mean they you know a botanical it's a botanical folklore. It's so good.

It's basically almost like a how-to for witchcraft except they don't give you the words, so. Unfortunate. Unfortunate. He then turned the beasts to the old orchard, and all the goodness and herb magic came out of the other end of the animals and treated the land. Nice.

Great. Okay. I love it. That's perfect witchcraft. The gnarly old apple trees flourished. The trees were struggling under the weight of the mistletoe, so he cut them off to sell at the winter market. He then carefully pruned the apple trees, which would strengthen them in time, but he

knew it would take years before they fruited again. Unfortunately, none of this helped the older brother pay rent, and life became increasingly difficult for him. He did some work at the farm next door, but it didn't bring in much money. By the end of the second year, he had used up all of his savings, and he was barely scraping together enough money for food and rent. Then one day,

the younger brother paid a visit to the older brother's cottage, the first time he had visited since their father died. No love lost there i guess yeah makes me so sad and angry yep yeah this guy sucks and he's about to suck more so oh okay okay i'm bracing myself it'll be christmas eve soon when they say the beasts can talk at midnight i've heard them tell i know right, right? I've never heard that. I will pay

much more careful attention to my dog. I've heard them tell down in the village that there's treasure around here somewhere, and I'm set to ask your donkey when he can talk. I reckon he's got more brains than the other one. He'll know that he has to tell me the truth if he knows what's good for him

because I'm the owner of this place. like okay okay talking animals at midnight and also talking donkey talking donkey but what does he think the donkey knows why you're gonna find out okay so he's basically like he's not even stopping by to say hey like hey bud how you holding up you know we haven't spot we've been spoken a while it's fyi i'm gonna need to uh talk to your donkey on christmas eve so yep the donkey and the ox i the younger brother suspiciously but he didn't take notice so like i feel like the donkey and the ox this would make such a great cartoon i feel like the donkey and the ox like giving each other such a great cartoon. I feel like the donkey and the ox giving each other that look like this guy. Yep, this guy over here.

Get a load of this guy. The younger brother poked his older brother in the ribs more playfully and said, It'll be your lucky Christmas because if you come up to the big house and wake me up just before midnight on Christmas Eve so that I can come and listen to the animals, I'll take some expense off your rent for January. But if you don't wake me, then I might just find myself a new tenant. Got that? Oh, my God. He's such an asshole.

Okay, man. I hope he dies. Honestly, or some other horrible thing happened to him that's that's the dream bad bad little bro and also awful tent awful landlord awful landlord that's yep christmas was a soggy affair that year and by the time the sun had gone as low in the sky as it would and the celebrations were due the constant rain had soaked all the cheer out of the older brother. Poor guy. On Christmas Eve, he was determined to do something about it.

That evening, he went out to the shed and gave the donkey and ox a little bit of extra food, and then he opened the cupboard in his kitchen and got out the last bit of the year's cider. cupboard in his kitchen and got out the last bit of the year's cider he mulled the cider over a little kitchen ashwood fire using bits of cinnamon and clove and then he poured it into his mug and took it outside to the orchard that does sound really nice and maybe or maybe not added a little bit of vanilla whiskey or a little brandy that actually sounds better i just don't have any brandy i mean the only time i ever want brandy is when i want to add it to my hot apple chai like so you know otherwise what good is it it was still slating with rain and perishing cold and the water soon ran in the rivers down the elder brother's neck into his raggedy shirt but no matter he went up to the biggest and oldest

of the ancient apple trees pulled out a hard crust of bread from his pocket dunked it in the cider elder brother's neck into his raggedy shirt but no matter he went up to the biggest and oldest of the ancient apple trees pulled out a hard crust of bread from his pocket dunked it in the cider and put the soaked bread in the crook of one of the tree's branches then he started to sing and i'm not gonna sing this time oh no i was getting excited i'm not gonna sing this time but i am really excited because there is a YouTube video where you can listen to, there's like a video of people actually singing this song. Ooh, okay. All right.

We can link, we can maybe link that in the show notes. Yes. I am absolutely going to encourage everyone to look at it because it is just the coolest video, which I'm going to talk about later. Old apple tree, I wassail thee and hoping thou will bear for the lady knows where we shall be till the apples come next year. He tipped the last of the cider at the roots of the trees and continued for to bear well and to bloom well.

So Mary, let us be. Let every man take off his hat and shout to the old apple tree. Hats full, caps full, three bushel bags full, and a girt heap under the stairs. Hooray! This last cheer came from the older brother's mouth sounding so small in the cold rain that he didn't have the heart to cheer anymore. The rain carried on,

and he found himself looking at the apple tree, all its cracked bark and awkward branches and globs of mistletoe, wondering just how long it had been growing there and what it must have seen. Then a voice came, a dry, cracked voice. Ah, that were a drop-o good. The older brother looked around and he was sure there was no one else in the orchard. He looked back at the apple tree and watched as the fissures in the trunk of the old apple tree gnarled themselves into a huge, barky grin with two knocks on the

wood for beady, pippy eyes. Yes, I love this. I love it. Creepy trees are my favorite. Love it. Come now, you take a look under this diggity root of ours. There be treasure right over there, said the apple tree man. And he waved his branches over to the middle of the orchard. The oldest brother wasted no time in finding a spade and dug in the spot. And it wasn't long before the spade hit metal and up came a box full of shining gold coins. Yes. Excellent.

Tis yours and no one else's, said the apple tree man. Puttin' away safe and by quiet, Bowden. The older brother hauled the metal box into an old sack

and took it back to his little shack where he hid it under the kitchen cupboard. Then he returned to the apple tree and said his thanks. Tis a pleasure,

said the apple tree man. Now go call your dear brother. Tis nearly midnight. I love how the apple tree man knows. Hell yes. Apple tree man knows all. His root network extends far. He sees all things. I love that so much. It's so good. Totally imagining him having like a crazy like cockney accent i can i can definitely i can definitely hear that okay just like one of those like rural english gentlemen yes exactly voices i'm oh i love that i love ancient trees i love ancient trees that can speak to you i love that he was able to get this gift because he was like observing observing the sort of like traditional like pagan ways of like cultivating your cultivating your land.

I he was was sailing, which I'm going to tell you about a little bit later. I was just about I was just about to ask because like because isn't because was sailing is like kind of the origin of Christmas caroling, right? Oh, I don't know about that. But I'll tell you about what I don't know about that. But I'll tell you about what I do know. Okay, tell me about it later. Okay. So the elder brother went to wake his brother at the big house. And when that was done, he went back to his kitchen, took the sack of gold coins and a few of his belongings, and started up the road to seek a new life.

Meanwhile, the bleary-eyed younger brother hurried through the pouring rain up to the orchard and into the old cattle shed just as a church clock struck midnight he stood close to the faces of the donkey and the ox and looked at them expectantly with his teeth clattering from the cold sure enough after some time had gone by the donkey turned to the ox and said you'd know this greek gertie fool that's listening to his sewing manly. He'd want us to tell where the treasure is. And that's where he won't never get it, said the ox.

Someone took it already. The end. Yes. Yes. I love that. That's great. I like that they're just looking at each other. I feel like the ox and the donkey are very like they make me think of like the old men from the Muppets

that are just always sort of hanging out like making snarky comments about everyone else exactly yes that's totally that reminds me of I love how they don't even talk to him. They ignore him and talk to each other. They're just like, right? This guy thinks we're going to tell him something, but you know. But we're not. So I feel like you got one point because it was definitely the protagonist was out trying to find his fortune and he did. And he did. Yeah. no, I think I think that that's a good point for me. This story was so good. Do you have any fixes? No, definitely not.

How could you fix that? It's so good. Except for maybe like, I was imagining the old apple tree man like slapping the younger brother with his branches. And that made me laugh. I feel like it would be just such a good like cartoon. Yes. I would love to see this animated. Yeah. I would love to. I think the way I would love to. I too would love to have seen a scene of the younger brother trying to get the treasure buried at the in the underneath the apple tree man.

But no, my one fix for the story is just like, oh, why'd you leave the donkey and the oxen here? Why didn't you take them with you? Oh, that is such a good fix. Yeah, you should have. The younger brother, like clearly they weren't being taken care of very well. Like you should have taken the animals too.

Yep. Okay, that's the perfect fix. Perfect fix. That's a great story. So, okay. So what is why sailing it? Because I know that I've read about it before, but I can't I can't quite remember what it is. Yeah, definitely. So all of this information I got from a blog called blood and spice bush. If I'm going to link it in our show notes, they also, you know, list all of their sources for where they got

information. And they also have a couple of great videos of people actually wassailing. So it is the coolest. Definitely check it out. We'll post it on our social media as well. So wassail refers to drinking to someone's good health. And it's basically like people party it up every year to help wake up the old apple trees to encourage a fruitful harvest for the next year. Gotcha. And this is so cool. This was an exact quote from the blog. So it's a story told in Jeffrey in Monmouth's history of the kings of Britain written in 1135 and tries to explain the origin of the toast, which is the wassail.

I also think Monmouth is the same guy that I think wrote sort of the first version of the King Arthur legend that actually got put to paper. So that's the same guy, right? That's correct. Yeah. So it says,

while Vortigern, and I'm probably going to say all these names wrong, so I apologize. Well, I would not know. While Vortigern, and I'm probably going to say all these names wrong, so I apologize. I would not know. While Vortigern is being entertained at the royal banquet, a girl, Renwine, came out of an inner room carrying a golden goblet full of wine. She walked up to the king, curtsied low, and said, Lavard King was hail. When he saw the girl's face, Vortigern was greatly struck by her beauty and was filled with desire for her.

He asked his interpreter what it was that the girl had said and what he ought to reply to her. She called you Lord King and did you an honor by drinking to your health. What you should reply is drink hail. Vortigern immediately said the words drink hail and ordered Renwine to drink. Then he took the goblet from her hand, kissed her and drank in his turn. Okay. Which I think is really cute. That's super cute. Yeah. So, West sailing is practiced differently all throughout Europe,

each place has their own specific customs and traditions. Offerings of toast or cake sopped in cider are hung from the branches of the apple trees and cider is poured onto the roots to encourage growth. And noise like drinking and partying and gunfire and dancing is made to frighten away all of the evil spirits which might harm the tree's bounty and also to wake up the sleeping winter trees that's really cool and i love this part um in the blog they write in normandy young apple trees were not harvested to leave apples for the fa, which was also called pixie hoarding. Okay. So that's a little background on wassailing. And it's so cool. In the first video on this blog,

it's just a YouTube video. And it's from British Movietone. You can actually hear the exact song that is in this book being sung in the background. Nice. Oh, that is so cool. It's so cool. Yeah. Yeah. And it looks like you have to watch this video. It looks like a blast. Like it is. This party looks like just the most fun and I want to go while sailing. Yeah. This sounds like, oh my gosh, that sounds like an incredibly fun, like fall party,

fall festival. It looks like, like they're all drinking hot apple cider and dancing and singing and they pick, um, like a wassail queen or something and they lift her up and like carry her throughout the orchard. That's amazing.

It's so cool. Oh, it's so cool. I want to go. I do too. So that's what I It's so cool. Oh, it's so cool. I want to go. I do too. So that's what I would like to do this holiday season. I want to go wassailing. I want to go wassailing.

I got to find somebody with an apple orchard. Because it's specifically a winter festival. Yep. Right? It usually happens, I think, from December 12th through like December 26th. Gotcha. Maybe that's why I got it confused with like caroling. Yeah, maybe or maybe. I don't know. I don't know the origins of caroling. I'm sure there's more than one. But yeah, I love that in this story, the older brother is just

singing. He's doing his little wassail. He's story, the older brother is just singing. He's doing his little wassail. He's singing to the apple tree and it works. And it's not even just that the tree bears fruit. Yeah. It's that he tells him where there's buried treasure to help him get the heck out of there. So I love that so much. I love that so much. I wish that he'd taken his animals with him because, you know.

Yeah, that would make it a perfect story. That would have made it a perfect story. But everything up until then was just solid. It was gorgeous. But then you also wouldn't have gotten the donkey and the ox giving the younger brother, like, the side eye and basically just sassing him. Which also was great. But I also think that it would have been funny if there had just been, like birds or something perched in the rafters there you go like he goes to the cattle house and sees that the animals are gone and he's like what the fuck and then up in the

rafters there's two crows or ravens or sparrows or whatever and and then they start talking at a midnight gong like this guy this guy so good the apple tree man is a bro a true a true friend absolutely so good anyway oh my god i love i'm so glad i finally got to tell you that story i'm so glad i finally know that story and they and also I enjoyed I enjoyed the background information on wassailing and what seems to be like the coolest winter festival ever yeah I I mean I had those the blog and the video like saved but I didn't actually have time to like read it or look at it so I was kind of glad you were late you had a little more time to like look into some really cool history so So being late is always preferable. That's my takeaway from this. Yep.

And partying, I love any holiday or tradition that involves partying is just like the best. I love parties. Or yeah, like an origin or an explanation for a festival or a party of some kind yeah absolutely it's perfect okay so the story that i'm going to read you today because i know that it is you know getting getting on in the year but i'm still in very much a witch mood i was feeling some witches today. So I'm going to read, I'm going to read you a story from a book of witches. I love it.

By Ruth Bannon Sanders. Yeah. The best. And this, this story is called the old witch. The old witch. The old witch. Classic.

The classic story. Why are they always old though? The old witch. Why are witches always old in these books i have thoughts and feelings about the title that i will tell you after we've done the story oh my gosh okay that makes me want to predict that the old witch is hardly in it at all okay that's my first prediction is that the old witch is hardly in the story i don't know if that's a good prediction but based off of what you just said that's gonna be my first guess

i am also going to predict i want to predict that the devil is going to be in this one oh a devil prediction okay i want that i want. I want a devil. That's fun. That's a fun one. Okay. And I would also like to predict that our protagonist is a jerk at first. Oh, the protagonist uh problematic in the beginning okay so our predictions are i do love that i love that arc having a problematic protagonist and then they like get they learn a lesson yeah yeah absolutely okay so our predictions are

okay the old witch is barely in the story the devil will be present in some way and the protagonist is a shitty person at the beginning of the story correct okay i don't i'm not really playing it safe today but no i love it makes me happy um we'll see where we end up so this story is called the old witch no no other information um but i think it's my biggest my biggest problem with these smaller editions of the reith manning standards books is they don't tell you which country oh yeah that's a bummer she got these from so no idea there were two sisters who lived at home with their father and mother. And it so happened that the father fell sick and was not able to work. So there they were without much money and getting poorer every day.

One sister moaned and wept and grumbled. But the other sister said, well, a father can't work. I can. I will go into service and all of the money I earn, I will send home. Was that the younger sister? It doesn't say. It just says one sister moaned and wept and grumbled and the other one got to work. Interesting. Okay. Yeah.

So she packed up some clothes in a bundle, kissed her father and mother, said goodbye to her grumpy sister and set off for town. her father and mother, said goodbye to her grumpy sister, and set off for town. She called at this house and that house, but no one was looking for a servant, so she walked on into the country. And she came to a place where there was an oven, and the oven was hot and it was full of loaves of bread. And the loaves called out of the oven, little girl, little girl, take us out, take us out, we've been baking for seven years and no one has come to take us out. I feel like they're probably done.

Also, I love talking bread. Talking bread in a house that just the oven has been on for seven years and the bread is baking. How could you not do what they say? I mean. Yeah. So the girl took out the loaves, laid them on the ground, and went on her way. That's it? She just.

That's it. That's all she did. They didn't give any more information? They weren't like. No. None. They didn't thank her? No.

Fine. She hadn't gone far when she came to a cow standing by itself in a field with a lot of milk pails around it. And the cow said, little girl, little girl, milk me, milk me. Seven years I have been waiting here and no one has come to milk me. I can see that being real creepy. So creepy.

I felt, you know, honestly, I felt uncomfortable just saying it. Milk me. Milk me. No, thank you. Or if you agree, or if you do want to milk me that's also weird i get the i get the bread thing that's that's cuter the cow seems creepy to me the cow wants the cow wants to get milked so

no one's milked the cow in seven years so the girl so the girl milked the cow into the pails being thirsty she drank some of the milk and the rest she left in the pails that's fair fair enough i'm surprised she didn't eat one of the loaves of bread yeah me too she went on a little farther and she came to an apple tree the branches of the apple tree were so loaded with fruit that they were bound to the ground and the apple tree said little girl little girl little girl, shake me, shake me. Seven years I have waited for someone to shake down my fruit and my branches are so heavy that they will surely break.

All right. You poor tree, of course I'll shake you, said the girl. And she shook all the apples off the tree, propped up its branches and left the apples in heaps on the ground. She is a very nice girl yep she uh is the opposite of a problematic protagonist at the start yep it's all good it's all good she went a little farther and came to a house she tapped at the door and a witch opened it

perfect that's what i want to happen to me. Why not me? Why not you? The girl asked if she wanted a servant and the witch said that she did. And that if the girl pleased her and did what she was told, she would pay her good wages. By making her a witch? By hopefully making her a witch's apprentice. Please? If only. If only.

So the girl took service with the witch the witch said sweep and dust cook and wash and be careful to keep the hearthstones clean for as you see they are made of marble and are very precious but one thing you must never do you must never look up the chimney or you will repent it oh i feel like i know what's gonna happen i don't know what would give you that impression that you'd be able to predict what will be happening i'm very scared that's very i i always love it when when characters say stuff like you will repent it because repenting something seems really intense it does it's much it's it's very like serious and intense sounding we're past simple regret at that point we're repenting it like that's you know very

intense the girl worked hard and she worked well the witch was pleased with her but she didn't pay the girl any wages if i do thought she the girl will then take them and go home and then I'll lose her. I mean, that's how jobs usually work. And it's how jobs work, but... But she'll need more money soon after that, right? That's the idea is that like, you know, they work for you, then you pay them

and then they still need work because they still need money because unfortunately we need money for food and shelter and stuff this witch definitely didn't go to business school she did not get her mba in business sorry that was so stupid oh boy okay anyway so she's you know afraid that if she actually pays her the girl will Sorry, that was so stupid. Oh, boy. Okay.

Anyway, so she's afraid that if she actually pays her, the girl will stop working for her, which actually often most of the time it's the opposite. That's true. Where if you don't pay someone, they'll stop wanting to work for you. Well, all went on smoothly and dully for a time. And then one day when the witch was out, the girl was on her knees cleaning the hearth and she forgot what the witch had said and she looked up the chimney. And mercy me, clitter clatter, a great bag full of money came tumbling down. That's not what I thought it was going to be. The girl looked up the chimney again.

That's way better. It's way better. What did you think it was going to be? What did you think was going to happen if she looked at the chimney way better it's way better what did you think it was going to be what did you think was going to happen if she looked up the chimney i thought it was going to be like the dead body of her last you know maid or whatever i love that that would have been cool but i don't think this this girl would have thought that that was cool yeah i also like that she didn't like she wasn't enticed to look in the chimney. She just did it, like, kind of accidentally. And then, what do you know? Bags of money fall down.

But she's a nice girl. She's not going to take that money, is she? Is she? She looks up the chimney again. She looked up many times, and every time, down fell a bag of money. Holy shit. Okay. Every time, down fell a bag of money. Holy shit. Okay. Oh, thought the girl. This money will keep my family in comfort at home for years and years.

And she gathered up as many bags as she could carry and ran out to go home. Okay. First of all, I feel like that might be a little problematic. Yep. But she wasn't getting paid for like the work she was doing. So it's also a little bit fair. I feel like this is ethically ambiguous. Ethically ambiguous. She is stealing, which is problematic behavior.

But she also was, the witch was stealing her labor. Yes. Exactly. Her labor. Yes. Exactly. So is she stealing or is she just collecting her wages that the witch never actually paid her? You know?

And she had to just, she had to take the wages without, you know, clearing it with the witch first because the witch was never going to pay her, which is also very behavior so i'm going to give her a pass on this one yeah i would do plus i mean if she looks up the chimney every single time and another bag of money falls down i'm the witch must be fine the witch is doing okay. She's... Oh, gosh. If we're going to continue to make this awful exploitation of labor and not paying a fair wage analogy going, the witch is Jeff Bezos. She's got plenty of money to spare. Steal from her forever all you want. I'll allow it.

Does Elon Musk need all that money? No. Steal it. Is he even going to notice that it's gone? He won't probably. And unfortunately, the witch is not Elon Musk. She does notice the money is missing. Yeah, she does. So when the girl had gone some way, she heard the witch coming after her, shrieking at her to stop so she ran to the apple tree and said apple tree apple tree hide me so the old witch can't find me if she does she'll pick my bones and bury me under the marble stones oh i have heard this one before i remember that poem yeah okay i didn't remember it until just now. Is it coming back to you?

It is. It's all coming back. Do you remember how it ends? No. Awesome. Maybe. I don't know. I definitely don't get any points.

And the apple tree said, climb up among my branches and I will bend them over you. The girl climbed up and the apple tree crisscrossed its branches over her so that she was completely hidden by and by the witch came and said tree of mine tree of mine have you seen a girl with a willy wag and a long-tailed bag who's stolen my money all i had i love the apple rhyme i know me too i just i love that so much. And the apple tree answered, no mother, not for seven years. So the witch went off another way and the girl clambered down from the apple tree and ran on. Just as she got to the place where the cow was grazing, she heard the witch coming after her again. So she ran to the cow and said, cow, cow, hide me. So the old witch can't find me. If she does, she'll pick my bones and bury me under the marble stones and the cow said get behind the milk pails the girl crouches down behind the milk pails

and the cow gave the pails a kick and tumbled them on top of her and up comes the witch cow of mine cow of mine have you seen a girl with a willy wag and a long-tailed bag who's stolen my money all i had and it sounds like she stole all the witch's money though she took all of the witch's money it was not a stealing from a billionaire sort of situation like the witch should have paid her like maybe one of these bags of money she took all the money though i don't know i'm feeling i'm feeling like she's more problematic now she gets more problematic as time goes on. I needed more information. I also like how all of these things are sassing the witch because they didn't get milked for seven years.

They didn't get their limbs shaken for seven years because the cow answers, No, mother. I haven't seen anyone for seven years. Seven years. Seven years. seven years seven years seven years do all of these things belong to the witch because the witch keeps calling him like cow of mine cow of mine oh yeah yeah um so the witch turns off on another path and the girl comes out from under the milk pails and runs on she got as far as the place where the oven was when she heard the witch coming after her again. So she said, oven, oven, hide

me so the old witch can't find me. If she does, she'll break my bones and bury me under the marble stones. And the girl thought to creep into the oven, but the oven said, no, no, there's the baker. Go ask him. So the girl ran to the baker and he hid her under a pile of firewood.

I guess that there has been a baker around this whole time and he just didn't take the loaves out for seven years. Yeah, why didn't he take the loaves out? Seven years. I don't know. He was busy. It's a special kind of bread that takes seven years to rise and bake. Yeah, that's such a long time. I mean.

That's slow cooker bread. Slow bake. It's how long bread would take in an easy bake oven. That is right. That's perfect. That's what it was. It's an easy bake oven. Easy bake oven.

That's why it took so long. And it's still not done in the middle. It's still not done in the middle it's still not done in the middle okay anyway so the baker hides her under a pile of firewood and when the witch came up she's looking here

and there and everywhere and she sees the baker standing by the oven and says man of mine man of mine have you seen a girl

with a willy-willy wag and a long-tailed bag who's stolen my money? All I had. And the baker says like, oh gosh, well, let's look in the oven. So the witch goes to look in the oven and the oven says, get in and look in the farthest corner. So the witch climbs into the oven and the oven slammed its door and kept the witch inside for so long that the girl was able to get safely home. My word.

I felt like that was going to go in a different direction. Yeah, I thought that like the oven was still going to be on and the baker was going to kick her in there a la Gretel. Nope. All right. My word, weren't there rejoicings

in her home over those bags of money the girl brought with her? The family were able to now live in comfort. The father got well again. The girl and her sister had pretty clothes to wear

and all went merrily. But the girl's sister wasn't content. She wanted more money and more money. She thought she would go into service with the witch and get some money bags for herself. Oh, ain't that the way that's the way it goes in these things.

So off she went. And when she came to the oven, there it was full of loaves again. And the loaves called to her a little girl, little girl, take us out. Seven years we've been baking, and no one has come to take us out because the witch got lazy again. So this is seven years later. This is seven years later. Okay, okay.

Yeah, they lived in peace and comfort for a long, long time, and then the other sister got greedy. Gotcha. As the other sibling always does. That's a long time. Seven years is kind of a long time. Mm-hmm. But, okay. What do you want from me?

The other sister goes and she finds the Easy Bake Oven, and they've just come to the end of their seven years long baking term once again, and they've asked her to take them out. But the girl answered, no, I don't want to burn my fingers. And she walked on. She comes to the cow and the cow called to her, little girl, little girl, do milk me. Seven years I've been waiting and no one has come to milk me again. And the girl answered, no, I'm in a hurry. I can't stop to milk you. Bye. and the girl answered uh no i'm in a hurry i can't stop to milk you bye she goes on comes to the apple tree the branches of the apple tree were so loaded with fruit that they were once again bowed to the ground and the apple tree called out little girl little girl

shake me do seven years i've been waiting and now my branches are so heavy that they will surely break the girl answered uh no i can't stop another day maybe and you know i realized that the first sister was doing all the right things and they all helped her because she helped them right and that's you know like a nice moral to teach kids about like you should be kind to strangers but there's also like an interesting story about consent in here somewhere and how I have a feeling that this this daughter is going to be punished for saying no yes yeah um 100% like I this is one of those stories that is a little I understand what it's trying to do yeah yeah and I and I do agree that like you should help people where you can because you know know, A, it's the right thing to do.

And B, you don't know when they'll be able to help you in return, you know. That makes sense. It's all good. But, like, this girl, she's not even being rude. She's just, like, setting some boundaries. Yeah, and that's perfectly fine. Yeah. She doesn't want to burn her hands.

I get that. Totally get that. She's in a hurry. Also, that's not her bread. Yep. She doesn't want to burn her hands. I get that. Totally got that. She's in a hurry. Also, that's not her bread. Yep. Not her bread, Nina? Not her bread, not her cow, not her tree. And she's in a hurry and she can't stop.

Like, she even says, like, no, I can't stop to shake you. Another day, perhaps. Like, you know, if I've got more time, I'll come back. Yeah. And she hurries on and she comes to the witch's house and the witch takes her into service and says to her as she had said to her sister sweep and dust cook and wash and be careful to keep the hearthstones clean for as you see they are made of marble and very precious but one thing you must never do for real real really absolutely don't do this. You must never look up the chimney or you will repent it.

And the girl laughs to herself and thinks, we'll see who repents it. You or I. Oh yeah. This is where she gets. Yeah. She's where I like her. Me too.

And the very first time the witch went out, the girl looked up the chimney. Clitter clatter down fell a bag of money. The girl looked up the chimney many times and each time clatter clatter down plumped a bag of money. The girl gathered up as many bags she could carry and then ran out to go home. She had got as far as the apple tree when she heard the witch come screeching after her. So she said, apple tree, apple tree, hide me so the old witch can't find me. If she does, she'll break my bones and bury me under the marble stones. But the apple tree said, how can I hide you? My branches are trailing on the ground. They will literally break if you touch them. So the girl runs on. And very soon the witch came up and said, tree of mine, tree of

mine, have you seen a girl with a willy willy wag and a long tailed bag who's stolen my money? All I had. And the apple tree answered, yes, mother, she went that way. I do love that the tree is just like, yeah. Yep, right over there. If you see her. She's running through the field. She's got all your money. So the witch ran and the girl ran, but the witch ran fastest. Very soon, she caught the girl, took all the money away from her, beat her soundly, and sent her home. So all that girl carried home with her was an aching back.

The end. Aw. That's it? That's it. I know how I would have changed this story but i'm a terrible person and i just wanted the witch to actually bury her under their marble under the marble stones i know i thought the same thing when i read it because i was just kind of like okay well you didn't exactly make good on your threat here you just kind of beat her

took your money back and and i thought you were going to kill her and bury her under the stones but this this leads me into my my wondering i suppose about the title yeah because it's just called the old witch but she doesn't seem to exhibit any actual magical powers she's just very neglectful of her property yeah that that's that's about it and she hides her money in her chimney um was she a witch was she a witch or was she an old woman that lived alone and people just called her a witch i mean i'm getting very the old witch in the woods like which which story is that from that's the one with a golden key and she like steals her jewelry yes and it's like what's that really a witch i guess there's more evidence in that one that she was a witch than this one yeah there's

no evidence that this woman's actually a witch in this one she just seems like she's an old woman who lives alone out in the woods and everybody just calls her a witch yep and people are just stealing her money. Stealing her money. Like I don't love it. So my fix for this story is that this old woman like actually gets a little revenge around here. On these thieves. Like the first girl got away. You know, that's fine. You have to learn the pattern girl got away, you know, that's fine. You have to learn the pattern of the story,

I suppose. Mm-hmm. But this woman deserves to bury someone underneath her marble heart stones. Right? And turn her into soup.

Mm-hmm. Because, like, she just beat the kid up and sent her home. That's really nice of her. That's too nice of her. She should live up to her reputation more.

I agree. Or maybe, like... Milk her cow. I always want to take her, like, have her take her in as a slave girl nice of her that's too nice of her she should live up to her reputation more i agree or maybe like milk her cow i always want to take her like have her take her in as a slave girl and then she does all this work for no money and then she becomes a witch yes that's just what i want all the time you know what i actually like that better the first girl does get away and then the second girl um is just kind of like brought home and forced to like be her apprentice until she's the old witch that lives out in the woods. Yeah. By herself.

I like that. I like that a lot. That's good. That's the fix. Someday we're going to find a story where the young maiden turns into a witch. I'm almost sure of it. I believe it's out there. It's got to be out there somewhere.

I feel like that was Fanny's origin story. Like she's one of those old witches because she had to go out in the woods and live by herself. Yeah. I mean, in her story, she dies, but I don't think she does. I don't think Fanny dies. Oh, did she die? I thought she had to live out in the woods like with the snakes and toads. No, that's how we fixed the story is that she lives out the rest of her days in the woods becoming a witch and living with her new snake and toad friends.

I'm just going to start remembering our fairy tales based on the way we fixed them. Yep. Yeah, I thought our fix to that story was better. In the original story, she gets banished to the woods because no one can stand her. And then she you know just dies out there geez of exposure or something like that so well i loved the old witch i think it definitely could use a more dramatic ending but definitely definitely a more dramatic ending the the other thing is that like i would say that after the first girl was

able to escape you because she was doing all your chores and all of your um you know all of your all of your property were all of the things were wow your tree and your cow and your loaves of bread were predisposed to like her you should be taking better care of your property, madam. Yes, absolutely. Milk your cow, shake your branches, and I don't know. I feel like the bread thing was on the baker. You hired, like she hired a whole baker. I feel like that was his thing.

I don't know what's going on with him. Maybe she doesn't pay him either. And so he really doesn't put a lot like that was his thing. I don't know what's going on with him. Maybe she doesn't pay him either and so he really doesn't put a lot of effort into his job. There you go. That's why the same loaves of bread are baking for seven years. He's like, that's fine. It's fine.

I want more information on that, but that was wonderful. Thank you. I enjoyed that very much. I'm glad you liked it so much thank you so much for listening to fairy tale fix if you enjoy the show please make sure to subscribe hit that follow button and if you can leave us a review on apple or stitcher it helps other people give the show a listen if you love the show and want to support us you can get extra episodes merch books and other cool content at our Patreon by signing up at fairytalefix.cash.

And you can find us on Twitter and Instagram at fairytalefixpod. And please email us your favorite fairy tales, folklore, nursery rhymes, and other such things, such as what words you pronounce incorrectly or correctly that other people pronounce incorrectly. I really want to know. What are you a pedantic asshole about? We're very, very curious. We're very interested. You can email us at info at fairytalefixpod.com. So the elder brother went to wake up his brother at the big house,

and when he saw that was done he went back to his kitchen took the sack of gold and a few of his belongings along with the oxen and donkey and started up the road to seek a new life for all three of them and the old witch having learned the error of her ways when the first girl was able to steal from her so easily started attending to her property with a little more care and when the second girl came by and steal from her so easily, started attending to her property with a little more care. And when the second girl came by and she caught her, she took her back to her house, said, you know what? I feel like you've got potential with your sass and I'm going to make you my witch's apprentice. Yes. Yes. And they all lived happily ever after. The end.