Fairy Tale Fix - 32: Sometimes You Have To Set Boundaries

Episode Date: December 7, 2021

Abbie tells us the wholesome tale of Bull’s Winter House while both Abbie & Kelsey cast Parks and Rec characters for the story. Kelsey tells a tale about three extraordinarily talented women and their superficial nephew-in-law in The Three Aunts.

You didn't. Did you have any fix? And we're back again. you know i was thinking the other day i was listening to another podcast and realizing that other podcasters introduce themselves at the top of their show and i don't think literally every time, like every episode, like they'll be like, hi, I'm so-and-so and I'm so-and-so and this is the show we do. And I was like, wow, that sounds really professional. Maybe we should try that sometime. Maybe we should try that sometime. Maybe we should try that sometime. It also helps when they have voices that are really similar of being reminded about whose voice is whose.

But you and I don't have that problem. I don't think. I don't think so either. I don't think our voices are too similar. No, but neither do the people on those shows either. Everybody's pretty familiar with the sound of their own voice and they know who they are. So do you really need to know who we are? Do you really care? I barely care. I mean, we're basically essentially like the same. We're pretty much the same person anyway. So this is a fairy tale fix a podcast where we talk about

fairy tales yep because they are wacky they are fun they are what the fuck did i just read they are wrong they are so wrong you know but i really love that we have stories you know that were told orally in like the 1200s that we still talk about today we still make movies based on fairy tales today like even now in the year 2021 in the year of our lord, we're still talking about this crap. Yeah, it's so crazy to me. That's so wild. I always think about Red Riding Hood because, you know, that's one of my favorite fairy tales. First evidence of that story is like in the 1200s from what I've very lightly, loosely read, or maybe I heard. I read it on the internet, so you know it's true. So you know it it's true. So you know, it must be

true. But I mean, I don't know, that sounds about as true as anything else. But I also I agree. I think that's one of the one of the reasons why people really love this podcast and then also other fairy tale related content and why people keep coming back to these stories over and over and over again, because they definitely, you know know have themes that sort of continue to stay relevant and continue to stay interesting and i think a lot of human beings all over the planet have very similar fears and desires and aspirations and just stuff they like to think about and tell stories about and i think that that's really cool that they are still so common and so appreciated. Yeah. I think that's great. And there are some that, you know, we never talk about and didn't make it over to Disney because they're so stupid.

Because they're so stupid or too good, too interesting. Oh, yeah. That's true. Too ambiguous. There's a lot of that's true ambiguous there's a lot of those yeah there's a lot of those too i don't know i was trying to pick my fairy tale last night and so i read you know through a bunch of them and i really want to read one of these one day but from our russian fairy tale book some of them are just like, they don't even have an ending. It's just like about Prince Ivan and he's off in the world and he's doing this and he's doing that. And then he fell asleep on the stove and he's still there today. And I was there and drank mead and it ran down my mustache. Like they're so fucking weird. I don't understand. I know. It's absolutely wild how some of these stories just it's an epic story.

And then it just kind of trails off. Yeah. It's like he's still sleeping there on the stove today. It really has. I kind of am done telling this story now. So that's the end, I guess. Because they were told by drunk people in taverns. I'm telling you.

Absolutely. That is the reason, you know. They finally got too drunk to finish the story and just trailed off. Mm-hmm. They were just yes anding each other about Ivan's great deeds until finally they just, you know, and then, you know, he got drunk and fell asleep. And that's the end of the story. I was there. So I know. Yep. There's actually, that was one of the ones I read last night. It was so much fun. I laughed a lot while reading that. I'm not going to tell you that one today because I feel like I just did.

That was really everything. Prince Ivan went and did great deeds and he fell asleep on a stove the end. And he's still there today and I saw him. I love that though. I love I mean, I loved the ending. I don't know if it was a Russian fairy tale or if it was one of the ones from East of the Sun, West of the Moon. Maybe it was Doppelgrim. But I feel like the end of it was like, you know, that they went to a wedding and then the story ends with the narrator going like, and I was there at their wedding, but it kind of sucked for me because I only got a crust of bread and then I had to go home. And that's the end of the story. Oh, those are so fun. And I love I just love love that they are like they keep that part of the story

in it like i understand why you would take that out and like edit the story and make it like a more a whole actual story but i do also love reading that it makes me laugh every time me too i love it when it's kept in more of the folktale narrative um where there is like a narrator and it's the person who is telling you the story right at this moment. Or like if there's little breaks in between the stories and the narrator's telling you a little bit more. What was that one? I can't remember, but the narrator was really worried about the protagonist. Was it East of the Sun, West of the Moon? I think it was East of the Sun, West of the Moon again, because the narrator tends to be very present in those stories in that book norse tales and russian tales

so far anywhere where it's really cold and kind of dark for good chunks of the year the narrator is very present and very concerned about the protagonist i mean that's how I like to tell my stories. So anything new with you? Do you have any winter plans? Honestly, no, I don't. Not really. It's cold. It's dark outside. I don't want to leave my house. There's nothing really going on except cold, oppressive darkness. I guess I'll go see my family for like the Christmas break. Do you have you said you have bars nearby you right like that you can walk to? Yeah, there's a couple

find out if they have mulled wine or hot toddies and go on a mulled wine hot toddy run because that there you go. That sounds like winter plans. That's like that's that's a winter plan. That's something that is something to do. Or I could do that in my house where it's warm and I don't have to go outside. But I thought that was something you liked,

the rushing of the outside coldness to the next warm place. Oh, that's very specifically a New Year's Eve mood. Oh, okay. Not like a regular winter thing. That's just... No, it's a regular winter thing that I'm just slogging from my house to whatever warm place is closest. Okay. And it's not exactly festive. I'm also feeling dour. So don't, you know, take everything I say with an absolute grain of salt. You can always build a snowman. Does it snow enough where you live to make a snowman? Not in December.

Snow is very much like a January to March sort of thing in like my section of, I don't even know if we're technically, does Maryland even count as the Northeast? My section of the Eastern seaboard, I guess. Maryland is so weird like our weather our weather is sporadic and a little all over the place and i actually kind of like it i think it's kind of fun except except in march march is as we have discussed previously the worst season

all the time everywhere forever you know it's been super foggy here lately which is crazy because it's not usually foggy so early in the year but it's been like really thick fog and it's very exciting it's like it looks super different whenever like i guess everything looks different when it's foggy and so i've been forcing adam to go on fog walks with me every time fog walks cute because i want to go like look at it i want to go enjoy the fog because it doesn't happen very often it's super weird totally random like i'm surprised to hear that um i'm happy for you though because that does sound really pretty i hope it goes away before the weekend's over though because driving in fog is not fun.

Yeah, much less fun. It's only fun for the fog walks. But that's what I really like about my neighborhood because that's actually really common in sort of like late fall, early winter mornings here because I'm also, my house is up in sort of a hillier neighborhood. So there's just fog that just kind of settles in lower, lower down from me.

Nice. And it just, it just looks, it just looks beautiful. It is, it is one of the nice things. It's one of the reasons I'm glad I have a dog because he does make me, he does make it a necessity to leave the house and go appreciate how pretty it can be outside in the winter despite the fact that it's cold as hell yep um but what about you do you have any fun winter plans are you doing anything exciting outside of fog walks i don't have like a ton of

fun winter plans at least not yet i'm sure stuff will come up. But I did actually just see Evanescence in concert, which was awesome. Oh my God, that's right. I saw your Instagram. Yes, that's so cool. I guess it's not like a winter plan, but it was something I was super excited to do. So I feel like I'm good on my plans for the whole rest of the year because that was amazing. It was so much fun. I haven't been to a live concert in forever. I got to see them with Hailstorm, which was really cool. That is awesome. Yeah, it was really fun. It was a very long show. Both of them had a super long set.

That's pretty cool. Yeah, and they did a couple of songs together, which was cool. Really? Yeah, yeah. I got super cool. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I got super excited. That sounds dope. Amy Lee sings with, uh, Lizzie Hale for break in,

which is the hailstorm song. Okay. And then they did a cover during Evanescence's set. They did a cover of Lincoln parks heavy together, which was awesome. Yeah. I want to go. You should.

They're probably going to be on the East Coast at some point. I think they already did the East Coast. Yeah, it was amazing. Evanescence is my favorite band of all time ever. And it was so cool to see them live again. And I got like really good seats. We did it old person style. So like I got really close like seated seats so I didn't have to stand around a bunch of strangers.

Nice. Okay. So you also kind of felt like a little safer. Yeah. Yeah. And the venue was really cool. Like, you know, we had to show our vaccination card to get in. We all had to wear masks. So everybody's really safe about it. Nobody was throwing a fit. Like, it was awesome oh my god they're gonna be in Pittsburgh on December 14th there you go you should totally go oh my god then I can just it was a great show see my parents and go oh my god I'm considering it I'll but I'll think about it later I'll think about it offline. I'll think about it offline. But it was great. I loved, you know, I like,

I love live music and I just missed it. I hadn't been to a big concert in forever. And I guess I'm really excited because December, a lot of cool bands come out and do shows like in my hometown anyway. So that'll be exciting. It's true. So Kelsey, I have a confession to make.

I'm not a good person like you i uh did not spend a lot of time yesterday looking at potential stories that i could do for our show today oh yeah um nope nope i actually forgot that i hadn't actually picked anything until i was setting up my recording booth uh you know, 20 minutes ago before we started talking. So I'm going to do a blind reading today, I guess, because I don't, I don't know, I'm going to give you a choice. Oh, okay. You may choose either a reading from the first edition Brothers Gr grim or from ruth manning sanders's a book of magic animals oh my gosh i feel like if i go with the magic animals there's

more chance of it being like i don't know i don't know no i love, I love all the Brothers Grimm ones too. But yeah, I'm going to have to go with Magic Animals. Dope. I'm really excited. I'm glad you picked this one. Which thanks again to Chris Otto for donating these books to us. You are the best. You are the best.

You are our favorite. We adore these books so much. We do. Oh my gosh. I love it so much. Okay. We've got like 11 books in here. Oh, you know what?

It's wintertime and there is a story called Bull's Winter House in here and I'm just going to read that. Yeah, I love it. Bull's Winter House. Bull's Winter House. All right. Are you going to make predictions in that case? Hell yes, I am because I have no idea what Bull's Winter House is about. And is it Bull Bull obviously like the

animal right like it's B-U-L-L apostrophe S so it's possessive Bull's Winter House so we each get three predictions since neither of us have heard this story

I'll go first I already have a prediction though I'm so excited fine I will since neither of us have heard this story. Okay. I'll go first. Okay. I already have a prediction though. I'm so excited. Okay, you go first. Fine, I will. I'm predicting that the bull is the protagonist. Okay.

I'm also going to predict that the bull's winter house is a temporary house. Do you mean like a seasonal place? Yeah, it's like a seasonal place for other wayward animals i love that i have something very specific in mind okay that's fun and i also want to predict that there's going to be like elves or trolls in the story okay oh does it say what country it's from russia russia oh that's awesome okay i know i'm well i'm really excited now now i kind of want to take back the elves and trolls thing no i'm keeping it okay those are my three predictions that the bull is the protagonist

that the house is a seasonal house for wayward animals. That sounds really cute. And there are elves and or trolls involved in the story somehow. I'm going to predict that Bull's Winter House is that it's not actually like a house or like a barn or whatever for animals. I'm going to predict that Bull's Winter House is like a palace. I'm going to predict that the bull in question is like a palace. I'm going to predict that the bull in question is like this more of a mythological bull than an actual bull,

if that makes any sense. It's a... I don't know why that's so funny. But you know what I mean. Like I'm predicting... Oh, okay, fine. I'm going to get more specific. The bull is actual...

He's kind of like the polar bear from East of the Sun, West of the Moon. The bull is actually a prince that has been transformed into a bull somehow. And bull's winter house is his palace. Okay, perfect. Oh, I like that. I know. I'm really hoping that I'm right. That sounds like a really fun story. a really fun story um and the protagonist is going to be a beautiful young maiden i'm really making a lot of east of the sun west of the moon style predictions on this that's okay i'll allow it also i feel like if anybody ever needs help coming up with book ideas if you're a writer or know a writer that needs help coming up with ideas ideas, if you're a writer or know a writer that needs help coming up with ideas, I feel like we have a lot. We have so many.

I just made up a whole story myself just now while making these predictions, and I want to read that story a little bit. And I feel like we do that a lot with our predictions. We'll get one idea about what this story is going to be based on the title, and then we'll basically write all of our predictions based on that story that we already have in our minds. Which is a terrible idea. It's a terrible idea. We always get disappointed. So someone should write these stories for us. We also just were talking yesterday about how we tried to write a book before about a

yep werewolf who accidentally bites a taylor swift-esque pop star and then they have to like hide it then they have to figure out how to hide the fact that this pop star is a werewolf now even though she's super fucking famous um i still really want to read that book i don't think we're ever going to finish it if someone else wants to take that idea and finish that book, please do and let us know. Yeah, because we wrote, I think, the first couple of chapters that are very short. It's very like, I mean, we're not, well, I'm not a great writer. Abby's. Yes, you are.

Abby's so talented. Your chapter, your prolog where like Kelsey wrote this incredible, this is such a tangent off of getting this story started, but Kelsey wrote this incredible prologue of a man stalking this teenage girl into a dark alleyway because he thinks he's going to like mug her or whatever. And then he gets too close and then she turns around and she turns into a werewolf and she eats him. And Kelsey wrote that and it was incredible. My favorite part was that she was I don't know why I think I do. I think I had a dream about this. She was like really pissed off that she had to turn into a werewolf to kill him because it ruined her freshly painted nails. Yes. Yes. I like that part was so fun to like she killed like

she turns her hand into a werewolf clawed hand and like rips his heart out. And she's like, three coats. Three coats, dude. Three coats. And then she eats him. So I think you're a brilliant writer who is an actual genius. It was just the very first plot. You came up with the rest of the plot.

And I want to actually read that whole book. Anyway. We'll do it. Well, you know, we won't, but we'll keep talking about it. If you're a writer and need ideas. Let us know. Anyway, we have great ideas. We'll workshop it. We'll workshop the plot with you and you can just actually fill it in. Perfect. Okay.

Okay. I'm so excited. Me too. Bull's Winter House's in it's in the singular possessive so bull's winter house i'm so stoked for this me too god damn it i think you're gonna be right just reading the first paragraph once upon a time bull ram pig cat and cock went on their travels together god damn it no why do you do this to me god damn it rms why okay wait wait will you say it again i want to hear the other animals everything else no just say chicken just it's a rooster everything else left my brain as soon as you said that once upon a time bull ram pig cat and rooster went on their travels together oh that's so cute i know it's super adorable

they came into a forest and there they spent the summer very happily they found plenty of food bull and ram ate grass cat caught mice rooster picked up insects and plant seeds pig ate up everything and anything hell yeah yeah. Then came autumn. The wind blew and the rain fell. Bull said to Ram, Brother Ram, after autumn comes winter and with winter comes snow and ice.

It will be very cold, cold enough to freeze us. Come, let us build a house together. It's so cute. I love the story already. It's very wholesome so far. I like this. But Ram said, I shan't freeze i have a thick woolly coat i shall run about and jump about and keep warm why should i help you

build a house oh that's rude super rude i wish you could change predictions mid-story because now i feel like this is going to be a morality parable about why you should help people even though it doesn't immediately benefit you. So new prediction. New prediction. It's too late. We're in it now. No, yeah, too late because that's obviously where this is going. So Bull went to Pig. Brother Pig, winter is coming with snow and ice. Let us build a house together lest we freeze. But Pig said, no, I'm not going to build a house. I shall dig a deep hole in the ground. When the snow comes, I shall hide away in my hole and wait for summer. Do pigs do that? I don't know. I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think pigs are burrowing animals. Well, I already have this suspicion that they're all going to want to use Bull's winter house.

What? And then he's not going to let them because they didn't help him build it. I don't know. I don't know. I'm so excited. Okay. So Bull went to Rooster. Brother Rooster, let us build a house to live in when the winter

comes. But Rooster said, what do I want with a house? When winter comes, I shall perch in a holly tree. No, he won't. The berries will feed me. The leaves will shelter me. Oh, I shall be snug enough. You're a chicken. You perch nowhere. These fools. Okay, well, you know, they've all got plans, though, so. Yeah, dumb ones that aren't real.

Well, I don't know. Why does a bull need help? Why can't, I don't know. It seems like they've all got their own thing going on. Sometimes you have to set boundaries. But I do. Okay, sorry. Come on. know it seems like they've all got their own thing going on sometimes you have to set boundaries but i do okay sorry come on hey you know what that's fair enough we haven't heard the rest of the story yet before we make not even a page in yet so bull went to cat brother cat winter is coming let us build a house together lest we freeze but cat said bother your house i know how to keep warm i shall curl up under rooster's holly tree and wrap my tail around my

nose no okay then that's cute i don't know you're gonna get cold real soon i bet i bet that's what happens cats always try to come inside as soon as it gets cold out. I thought the cat was going to say, I'm going to find a dumb human to take care of me. Honestly, that is a more strategic winter plan, I think, for a cat. Yep. He's like, do you realize how cute I am and how many dumb humans will put out a bowl of milk and let me sleep by their fire? Uh-huh. Like, for nothing.

Okay, so no, not one of them would help Bull build a house. So he had to build it all by himself. He chose a dry place. He got logs. He built up walls. He made a roof. He stuffed the chinks between the logs with moss. He went to town and bought a stove and a lot of food. That's so cute. The idea of a bull buying a stove. This must be an alternate universe where talking animals are just normal and just a part of the landscape. Yeah.

Like in Cats Don't Dance. Why did I think of that movie? That movie, yeah. I love that movie. That movie gave me nightmares. That was a creepy one for me. Absolutely. I'm imagining more Zootopia since there are so many.

Oh, right. But I was thinking more specifically of like animals, talking animals who live alongside humans. Because that's the cats don't dance scenario. I don't remember that part. Humans and talking animals live alongside each other. I haven't seen that movie in a really long time because as i mentioned about it gave me like weird nightmares i didn't like that movie when oh it's the little girl that's why oh my god it was a little girl she's creepy as hell i just googled

it no my gosh yeah okay no she's she's a creepster, that little girl. How many pages is the story? Sorry. We should go. Let's just stop being so tangential. It's actually – it's like two more pages. Okay. We're fine.

We're good. It's not super long. Anyway. This is going to be a tangent-heavy episode. It's fine. It is. I'm sorry. I'm feeling loosey-goosey today. So he went to town. He bought a stove and a lot of food. He gathered a great pile of firewood.

He worked hard. And when winter came, the house was finished. Bull went into the house, shut the door, and made a roaring fire in the stove. And as can be predicted, outside the wind was wailing, the snow was falling falling and all the trees were covered with white but bull sat by his fire he was warm and cozy cute super cute good for bull imagine him with a little mug of tea reading a book that's also precious in the forest ram was running here running there shaking the snow off of his woolly coat. But as fast as he shook snow off his coat, more snow fell onto it. Crazy.

The snow was in his eyes, in his nose, in his mouth. His horns were white with it. His woolly coat couldn't keep him warm. He ran to Bull's house and banged on the door. Bull, Bull, let me in before I freeze to death. I mean. I'm so excited to see what bull says me too okay so bull opens the door just to crack i'm just i'm on the edge of my seat woo in rushed the wind in world the snow brother ram what is this you said you were going to run about and keep warm in your woolly coat. No, I won't let you into my house because you wouldn't help me build it. Petty. Petty as fuck. I'm kind of here for it

though. As you said, you have to build boundaries. And when people won't help you work on a thing and then want to use the thing after you worked so hard on it like you know you're allowed to say no creating boundaries goes both ways it sure does if you'd helped him build the house you can use the house yeah i love oh my gosh never never mind uh bull has bad boundaries because after he says that to ram uh ram says then i shall die i shall die on your doorstep is that what you want and bull immediately caves he goes oh okay come in that's because bull is the best yeah i guess this is going to be a story about how bull is still really nice good good buddy that's a good friend bull flung the door wide ram ran in and lay down by the fire bull slammed the door and the wind went on its way

whirling the clouds of falling snow up and down and round and round pig had dug a hole in the ground and crept into it as apparently pigs do but the snow was blocking up the mouth of the hole pig was shoveling the snow away with his snout but as he shoveled one heap away another heap biled in because snow pig was gasping and wheezing i shall be suffocated in here very soon he thought and he struggled out of his hole and ran squealing to Bull's house. Bull, Bull, let me in before I die. And Bull opened the door just a crack. I love that. Me too.

Just like one eye peering suspiciously out. What, Brother Pig? I thought you wanted to spend the winter lying in a cold hole in the ground. No, I won't let you into my house because you didn't help build it. Then I must lie down and die on your doorstep. So dramatic. I'm actually like

casting these characters in my head a little bit as you're reading this. Oh boy, who is Brother Pig? I don't have one for Pig yet, but I was imagining Ram as Aziz Ansari. I think that's really funny. Like the sprightly little critter that just jumps on over all the rocks. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. Oh, no. Like all whiny and stuff. I'm eating my hot choccy.

Exactly. Maybe these are all just – No, I'm sorry. These chalky. Exactly. Maybe these are all just, no, I'm sorry. These are all Parks and Rec characters. Bull is Ron Swanson. Oh, and obviously Tom is the first one to break.

Absolutely. Oh my gosh. Yes. I love this so much. I love this. This is now a Parks and Rec fan fiction where everyone's an animal. That's perfect. I love it.

Okay. So, you know, Ram is Tom. The bull is Ron. Pig is probably Jerry. Like I was thinking Jerry. Yeah. But I mean, but is that just because they fat shame him a lot and pig is like oh maybe so maybe it's deeply uncool but that is who i thought of first so we're gonna we're gonna stick with it all right

okay well obviously i was gonna have donna as the cat obviously i mean donna has to be the cat and then leslie has to be in there somewhere we'll figure it out maybe leslie's the rooster well we're gonna we're gonna keep the name sorry that was a longer that was a long tangent of parks and rec fan casting for this parks and rec fan fiction that i'm reading i feel like that's that's fair though i like it so pig is super dramatic and uh claims that he's gonna lie down and die in his doorstep maybe pig can be andy actually oh that's perfect yeah because he lived in the hole and andy lived in the ditch andy literally did live in a ditch um so we're gonna go ahead and say that pig is andy

we're moving on pig uh also gets to come in because Bull slash Ron is a real softie. Bull opens the door wider. Pig staggers in and lays down in front of the fire beside Ram. Bull slams the door, brushes the snow off Pig's bristly back and says, my floor will be in a puddle soon. Rooster sat perched in a holly tree. The outside branches of the tree were heavy with snow and the wind tossed them up and down and this way and that way icicles hung from the inside branches and tinkled as the wind blew an icicle hung from each of rooster's yellow feet his feet were numb

he couldn't hold on to the frozen branch he tumbled head over heels out of the holly tree, pecked the icicles off his feet, and ran to Bull's house. Bull, Bull, let me in. Oh, go away, brother rooster. Why aren't you sitting safe and snug in your holly tree? It wasn't safe. It wasn't snug. Their plans are not working out. Their plans were bad.

Play stupid games when stupid prizes. Bull is the only one who is thinking ahead. Well, you wouldn't help me build my house, so why should I let you in? If you don't let me in, I shall die

here on your doorstep. Okay. Come in. Bull opened the door, a crack and rooster rushed in and lay down in front of the fire beside ram and pig oh cat was crouched under cocks cat was crouched under rooster's holly tree i can't do it like it's just it's impossible he had his tail wrapped over his nose, but he couldn't keep warm. The ground was frozen hard and the windblown snow was driving in under the tree. Soon Cat would be buried in it.

He gave a leap, scattered the snow and ran yowling to Bull's house. Bull, Bull, open the door. Let me in. What, brother Cat? Is that you? Go and keep warm with your tail over your nose you who wouldn't help me build my house no i won't open the door then i shall die on your doorstep okay fine come in really laid it on thick bitch laying it on thick out there except

have the fact that he probably i don't know it does sound like they might actually die though i mean it's super cold i mean they absolutely would die out there i think bull's just having a little fun with them hell yeah so bull opened the door cat leaps inside bull slams the door behind him and cat clambers on top of the stove and lays there shivering bull piles wood on the fire he was really kind he had a barrel of ale in his house and plenty of food he handed around the food meat for cat nuts and potatoes for pig corn for rooster hay and bread for ram and himself and ale for everyone they ate they, and they were warm and happy. Super sweet. That is so sweet. I love that Bull also had like all of their favorite food ready to go. Like he knew. He knew they were

going to come. He absolutely did. Like this shows me that he was prepared. He was just messing with them. He's like, oh, but aren't you like all safe and snug in your little holly tree? Are you sure you need to come in? I thought you were gonna be fine. Bull is the dad friend. I love that. Me too. Okay, so night comes and bull damps down the fire and they settle themselves into sleep cat on the stove Pig on the hearth. Ram in one corner. Bull in another. And rooster on a beam. Out in the forest, though. Deep in the snow. Oh, hell yeah.

Seven hungry wolves were running and howling. Honestly, I thought the story was over. So this is like. It's going to. It's apparently not. But I also thought that like before I turned the page, I thought that was the end of the story. But it is not. Twisted turns. So seven hungry wolves were running and howling.

They saw a tiny red flicker of light among the trees. What could it be? They came bounding. Oh, it's a little house. Perhaps there's something to eat in the house. But then also perhaps danger. So they decide to investigate they prowl around the house in the dark sniffing and licking their lips shall we venture in or shall we not well let one of us go in and see how the land lies yes but which one oh i love this

name gritty gray here is the younger of us and the swiftest on his feet let him go in wow okay i love that the wolf has a name what was like none of the other animals do gritty gray gritty gray gritty gray gritty gray he sounds like a tough wolf like he's not from what i can see in the next paragraph gritty gray doesn't much like this idea but it is six to one and he must do as he's told because he's the youngest and that makes sense so pretty gray sounds like the oldest wolf that's like seen some shit I feel like I know different name I feel like you're if you're naming it wolf gritty gray that's you know that's a grizzled old man you're talking about uh-huh his fellow wolves hustle him to the door he opens it and creeps in and what happens bull leaps up catches gritty gray on his horns and tosses him across to Ram. Ram leaps up, catches him

on his horn and tosses him back to Bull. Cat leaps down from the stove and claws his face. Pig leaps up and catches him by the tail. Rooster runs along the beam, cackling and crowing. Check him up here! I'll tear him in two! Damn.

What the fuck? I like how this is taking a very violent turn a really sudden turn it was so wholesome it was very wholesome and very like red hen and like her bread or whatever like yes this was this was a really sweet i guess it's still sweet because they're all defending each other but also like damn also like, damn, can a wolf not get some food around here? He didn't help build the house either, but Bull can still probably spare some meat. The whole violent scene finishes off with Rooster wanting to tear the wolf in two with his claws. Bull catches him on his horns again and tosses him against the door. The door flies open and gritty gray rushes out galloping away over the snow

among the trees and the six other wolves go galloping after him. There's actually an illustration of gritty gray getting tossed out of the house. Can you see that at all? Yes. That's so funny. It's just this cute little log cabin and this wolf just getting like thrown out of the door so gritty gray and the wolves take off and by and by they

all sit down panting what happened gritty what happened oh terrible terrible things cried gritty gray scarcely had i got inside the door when a man with a pitchfork tossed me up against the wall where there was another man with a pitchfork who tossed me in front of the stove where an old woman sat sewing at least i think it was an old woman but i couldn't really see but whoever it was thrust pins and needles into my face and nearly scratched my eyes out and then the devil himself came stamping across the floor and caught me by the tail and all the time a little imp sat up on a beam shrinking chuck him up here and i'll tear him too and then the first man with the pitchfork gave me another toss to fling me up to the imp but i

fell against the door and the door flew open and that saved my life. But oh, it was touch and go. Everyone in this story is so dramatic. This is so dramatic. I love it. But to be fair, this did happen to him. That's true. I do have to say Greedy Gray and the Wolves sounds like a bomb band name. Hell yeah, it does.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Like a super cool, like classic rock cover band. Gritty Gray and the Wolves. I love it. Yes. So he finishes telling his story and then says, and catch me ever going near that house again. Catch any of us going near it, cried the other six wolves.

And they scuttled away farther into the forest, kicking up the snow with their rushing feet. So after that, Bull and Ram and Pig and Rooster and Cat spent a peaceful winter keeping warm in Bull's house and gobbling up all of Bull's store of food. He was a good-natured old fellow, was Bull. The end. Aww. Yay, good job. That was a great story. I love that story.

That was so fun. That's so adorable. Oh, man. That was super cute. I absolutely loved that. Me too. I like how it's so wholesome and then takes such a violent turn.

Oh my god. A surprisingly violent turn where they have a peaceful night. They're all full and warm and sleepy. Then they beat up a wolf. And then they go back to being peaceful and happy and warm and sleepy. Throw him up here. I'll tear him in two. I'll tear him in two.

I like that of course that would be coming in from the rooster. Obviously. Yeah. Really like that, of course, that would be coming in from the rooster. Obviously, yeah. Really, like, all crow. All crow and no bite or something. It definitely had to have that. It was a Russian fairy tale after all. Absolutely.

All right. Well, you got no points. No points for me. Definitely two points for you. I think I got two. You got two on that one. I think seasonal house for wayward animals i mean it didn't like yeah it didn't start off that way but i think that's that's where it ended up oh man that was so cute um i do have a fix for it uh-huh let's see there are no ladies in this story. And I think that that's a problem.

Yeah. Representation matters. We should definitely be at least attempting to pass some variety of the Bechdel test in every story. So two of the animals need to have a gender change. Doesn't even have to be to women. But they can't just all be dudes. Yeah, I hear that. I don't know.

I was kind of just thinking, like whenever there's stories, especially in fairy tales like that, where it's just a bunch of animal characters, I feel like it's really just like a, for me, that's almost like gender neutral. Like they just threw in a pronoun, you know, like.

For sure. I guess that it just, it rankles that the pronoun is always he him. Mm hmm. Yep. And it's brother like, you know, like brother rooster, brother cat. Like, you know. So, you know, like. Let's get some sisters in there.

And that's my only fix, though. love that that's a great fix thank you thanks so much although with our parks and rec casting i do feel like leslie wouldn't have been any of the animals because she definitely she would have been the animal that was like on the side like a little bird helping, like absolutely helping. It was actually her idea to come up with this winter house and she told Bull to build it. You know what? Maybe Leslie was Bull the whole time because Bull was asking for help building the thing and was thoughtful enough to provide all of everyone's favorite foods. Yeah, I think Bull was actually Leslie.

I don't think Ron was in this story. I think we just needed more characters. Ron was Rooster, who thought that he could get away with being alone in his tree all winter long. Yes. And then needed to come inside. Just switch those two castings. I love it. Just switch those two castings.

Perfect. Unfortunately, I think April was probably the wolf who decided to fuck around and found out. Oh, that's cute. I like it. And her friends like her weird friend. I can't remember his name. The super weird goth one. Oh, the super weird goth one.

That everybody's scared of. Oh, or who's who's like Ron's ex-wife who works at the library? Tammy. that everybody's scared of mm-hmm ooh or um uh who's who's like Ron's ex-wife who works at the library Tammy Tammy obviously the librarian

would be one of the wolves obviously because librarians are evil according to that show oh my gosh I love librarians in real life so

what was the what'd she call them? Like book jockeys? Book jockeys. Swindling book jockeys or something. I love it. That was really fun. I would definitely watch the cartoon version of that. And I would like all of the Parks and Rec cast to voice them, please.

Yes, please. Yes, please. I don't have any fixes. I mean, I think your fix was perfect cool it's really the fix that it needed just a little more diversity which if we're going by parks and rec character casting then fine we fixed it excellent other than that no notes that was a lot of fun that was really fun that was super wholesome randomly violent and then back to wholesome yeah i love the idea of like all these animals living together in their little winter house drinking ale like that's so cute so cute love it what story are you telling me today

i have a fun one for you it made me laugh a lot it It is called The Three Aunts. The Three Aunts collected by Asbjornsen and Mo. Oh, great. Okay. From East of the Sun, West of the Moon. Okay. And it's A-U-N-T or A-N-T? Yes. Yeah. The Three Aunts. The Three Aunts.

Oh, my. Since we've been really tapping into our rich auntie energy lately that really called out to me i'm very excited okay so the three aunts are all related to each other none of them have any children of their own they're all spinsters okay this is a story about how they give a child a mysterious quest okay give a child a mysterious quest as ants do as ants do my aunts have given me many mysterious quests i can't say my aunt has given me any mysterious quests, but she really should.

She should. She should get on it. It is the duty of an auntie. Absolutely. It's to provide mysterious quests. She's given me lots of other things, though, so lots of love. And without further ado, this is The Three Aunts. Once upon a time, there was a poor man who lived in a hut far away in the wood and got his living by shooting.

Oh, yeah. By the way, this is like a Asbjornson and Moe story. So the wording is a little bit wonky at times. Yeah, absolutely. Shooting. I mean, do they mean hunting? Like, is that? that yeah he's a hunter so he had an only daughter who was very pretty of course and she had lost her mother when she

was a child and now half grown up she said she would go out into the world to earn her bread well lassie said the father true enough you have learned nothing here but how to pluck birds and roast them. But still, you may as well try to earn your bread. So the girl went off to seek a place. And when she had gone a little while, she came to a palace. There she stayed and got a place. And the queen liked her so well that all the other maids got envious of her. Uh-oh.

Ruh-roh. Mm-hmm. So they made up their minds to tell the queen how the lassie said she was good to spin a pound of flax in four and 20 hours. So I'm assuming that means 24. I think that means 24 hours, right? Like a day? Yeah, yeah.

Four and 20 is, yeah. Four and 20 hours. And that's hard, I guessing i know nothing about spinning anything i don't either i'm with this maiden and she's like super scared so yeah i think that is very difficult okay that must be difficult and you must know that the queen was a great housewife and thought much of good work have you said this then you shall do it said the queen but you may have little longer time if you choose which is really sweet the queen sounds reasonable like the queen sounds great she does sound great but the poor lassie dared not say she had never spent in all of her life

she's still really scared maybe she's trying to like impress her. And she only begged for a room to herself. That she got and the wheel and the flax were brought up to her. There she sat sad and weeping and knew not how to help herself. She pulled the wheel this way and that and

twisted and turned it about, but she made a poor hand of it for she had never seen a spinning wheel in her life. I'm totally imagining like when you go to a gym and you don't know how to use the machine. You're just like moving things around. Except with the added pressure of your boss wanted you to do this thing, but you don't know how. And so you just start, but you said you'd do it anyway because, you know, that's your

job. I can totally do this. I can totally know how to do it anyway because that's your job. I can totally do this. I can totally know how to do this, but you really don't. And so you just sit there crying in frustration for like, I haven't done this. That's not speaking from personal experience at all. The story is super relatable. Super relatable. Also, I just want to point out that when the but that when the ruler asking the impossible task in question is a queen instead of a king she does not threaten her

employee with death if they don't accomplish it uh-huh in fact i bet she could have told the queen she didn't know how and she might have been a little disappointed but i don't think she would have like bummer but she wouldn't have like had her executed and if you can't then you die i under i know that that's like the bare minimum but but apparently that's a really rough bar for fairy tale rulers to clear so i'm really happy i'm very happy with this queen yeah i really appreciate that about this story for sure so she's in the room and she's trying to figure out

the spinning wheel, but she just can't figure it out and she's crying and so sad. And all at once, as she sat there, in came an old woman. What ails you, child? She said.

Ah, said the lassie with a deep sigh. It's no good to tell you for you'll never be able to help me. I feel like an old woman is exactly the person who can help teach you how to spin flax into something. And also, why is she going into her room randomly? Whatever.

She's an old woman. She goes where she wants to. Who knows? Yeah. She's chill. She's got this. Maybe I know how to help you after all. She's chill. She's got this. Maybe I know how to help you after all.

The lassie thought to herself, I may as well tell her. So she told her how her fellow servants have given out that she was good to spend a pound of flax in four and 20 hours. And here am I, wretch that I am, shut up to spend all the heap in a day and a night. And I have never seen a spinning wheel in all my born days. Poor sweet summer child. Oh, my poor girl. Sweet baby. Well, never mind, child, said the old woman.

If you'll call me aunt on the happiest day of your life, I'll spin this flex for you and so you may just go away and lie down to sleep because she's the fucking best. She is the best auntie ever. I'll spin this flax for you and so you may just go away and lie down to sleep. Because she's the fucking best. She is the best auntie ever. Well, the lassie was willing enough and off she went and lay down to sleep. The next morning when she awoke, there lay all the flax spun on the table. And that's so clean and fine.

No one had ever seen such even and pretty yarn. The queen was very glad to get such nice yarn. And she set greater store by the lassie than ever. Okay. She's super happy. Excellent. Yeah. She's like translation.

She's really pleased. Good work. But good job. The other maids, of course, were still more envious and agreed to tell the queen how the lassie had said she was good to weave all the yarn she had spun in 4 and 20 hours so the queen said again as she had said it she must do it but if she couldn't quite finish it in 4 and 20 hours she wouldn't be too hard upon her she might have a little more time yeah right that's just you know that's pretty good they're like trying to mess with her but the queen's actually pretty chill she's pretty chill and she's actually kind of a better boss

than some that i've had well this time too the lassie dared dared not say no but begged for a room to herself and that she would try. And there she sat again, because she doesn't know how to be honest, sobbing and crying and not knowing which way to turn, when another old woman came in and said, what ails you, child? At first, the lassie wouldn't say, but at last she told her the whole story of her grief. Well, well, said the old wife, never mind, if you'll call me aunt on the happiest day of your life i'll weave this yarn for you so that you may just be off and lie down to sleep because she's the fucking best oh that's so sweet the story is so wholesome so far i'm really happy

yes the lastly sorry i'm just thinking about the end it's making me laugh oh god something awful is gonna happen isn't it yes the lassie was willing enough so she went away and lay down to sleep when she awoke there lay the piece of linen on the table woven so neat and close no woof could be better and it says woof no woof w-o-o-f i didn't it up. I don't know what that means, but that makes me laugh. I'm assuming that's a person that weaves. No woof could be better. Yeah. Or like no bolt of cloth, I guess, could be better.

Oh, yeah. Okay. That makes more sense. Go on. You know, context clues. We get it. So the lassie took the piece and ran down to the queen, who's very glad to get such beautiful linen, and set greater store than ever by the lassie. I love that they call her lassie.

The lassie. That's very cute. Yeah. As for the others, they grew still more bitter against her and thought of nothing but of how to find out something to tell about her. Let it go. You do not need this workplace drama. Toxic workplace. That's a toxic workplace.

Yep. I've definitely been there. At last, they told the queen the lassie had said she was good to make up the piece of linen into shirts in four and 20 hours. Well, all happened as before. The lassie dare not say she couldn't sew. So when she was shut up again in a room by herself, there she sat in tears and grief. But then another old wife came, who said she would sew the shirts for her if she could call her aunt on the happiest day of her life. So the lassie was only too glad to do this

and said she did as the old wife told her and went lay lay lay you down to sleep hold on okay this is this uh book makes me stumble over my tongue i can literally feel my tongue tripping over like like the sentence structure is just not how we talk anymore so it just it gets confusing the lassie was only too glad to do this and then she did as the old wife told her and went and lay down to sleep the next morning when she woke she found the piece of linen made up into shirts which lay on the table and such beautiful work no one had ever set eyes on and more than that the shirts were all marked and ready for wear.

So when the queen saw the work, I know these old women like know what they're doing. They're great at this. And all she has to do is call them aunt, huh? Like on her wedding day or something like that, I assume.

Yeah, yeah. Like happiest day of your life. That's pretty much code for weddings for ladies. Oh, and it's coming. It's coming. Is this going to take a sudden violent turn because I both am dreading it and also hope so?

You'll see. Okay. So when the queen saw the work, she was so glad at the way in which it was sewn that she clapped her hands and said, such sewing I never had nor even saw in all my born days. And after that, she was as fond of the lassie as her own children. And she said to her, now, if you'd like to have the prince for your husband, you shall have him.

What? But you never need to hire workwomen. You can sew and spin and weave all yourself. That does not sound good because she can't do that um but i do love that the queen is impressed enough with her work that she's like do you want to marry my son do you want to like do you like do you just want to have him because you're really good at spinning yep she's super cute i love it and of course because the lassie was pretty the prince was glad to have her and the wedding soon came but this is where this is the turn that makes me laugh

excellent let's go let's hear it let's have it but just as the prince was going to sit down with the bride to the bridal feast in came an ugly old hag with a long nose i'm sure it was three l's long which by there's actually like pictures of this woman and it's like it's so long well and the thing is is like remember when i read east of the sun west of the moon and the prince was whining about how he didn't want to marry the troll princess because her nose was three l's long i'm guessing this is a similar kind of thing uh-huh yeah by the way um three l's is like a measurement in textiles oh which um our good friend aurora actually sent us a really cool um explanation of Norse mythology and how they use like textiles is actually like a form of Norse sorcery. So it's like they use that to talk about fate and magic

and stuff like that. Oh, that's really cool. I'm not going to get super deep into it right now. But definitely like one L is 1.25 yards long. Okay. So imagine that. Yeah. That knows so long. That's a long nose. Okay.

Okay. So in came an ugly old hag with a long nose. And so got up the bride and made a curtsy and said, good day, auntie. That auntie to my bride, said the prince. Yes, she was. Well, then she'd better sit down with us to feast, said the prince. But to tell you the truth, both he and the rest thought she was a loathsome woman to have next to you which is don't be so judgy yeah that is super judgy that's your wife's auntie and i like how the girl is like that's your auntie and she's like oh absolutely yep yep um any any any lady that's gonna get you out of a bind uh is absolutely my auntie but just, in came another ugly old hag. She had a back so humped and broad that she had hard work to get through the door. Up jumped the bride in a trice and greeted her with, good day, auntie. Excellent.

Love her keeping her promises. Mm-hmm. And the prince asked again if that were the bride's aunt. They both said yes. And the prince said, if that were were so she too had better sit down with them to a feast perfect excellent no problem so far but they had scarce taken their seats before another ugly old hag came in with eyes as large as saucers and so red and bleared it was gruesome to look at her oh but up jumped the bride again with her good day auntie

and her too the prince asked to sit down but i can't say he was very glad for he thought to himself heaven shield me from such aunties as my bride has um yeah heaven's not gonna help you here because these ladies are trolls. Probably. So when he had sat a while, he could not keep his thoughts to himself any longer, but asked, but how in all the world can my bride, who is such a lovely lassie, have such loathsome, misshapen aunts? Rude. I'll soon tell you how it is, said the first. He asked loud enough that the aunts heard him.

I like that is so rude. Like this prince is the worst. Yeah. Rude, shallow and ableist. I don't like him. So the first auntie says, I was just as good looking when I was her age. But the reason why I've got this long nose is because I was always kept sitting and poking and nodding over my spinning. And so my nose got stretched and stretched until it is as long as you see it now. And I said the second ever since I was young, I have sat and scuttled backwards and forwards over my loom. And that's how my back got so broad and humped as you see it now.

over my loom and that's how my back got so broad and humped as you see it now and i said the third ever since i was little i have sat and stared and sewn and sewn and stared night and day and that's why my eyes have gotten so ugly and red and now there's no help for them so so said the prince twas lucky i came to know this for folk can get so ugly and loathsome by all this, then my bride shall neither spin, nor weave, nor sew all her life long. Oh my God. The end.

The end. The end. So she gets away with it because her husband is really shallow uh-huh and i think you can guess my fix for that go ahead and tell me anyway definitely i would like for the bride to hear this decide to not marry him and run away with her aunties and learn how to sew and weave and fucking lutely yes definitely that fuck you buddy i'm out of here you know like you know what i don't know if i want to be married to somebody this shallow um by yep who like horrible makes peasants do

back-breaking labor until their bodies literally like are bent out of shape and then like ignores that so that he can have a pretty life like right he's also like not worried about how much they work or like are you okay but or the the terrible conditions that they were forced to work in like no no no throw the whole man away right in the garbage i do just love that these like i love that the aunties like are there for her and they're like oh here's why i'm so ugly i know i love that i love that that they really just had her back the whole story long yep like the the best aunties best aunties i Best aunties. I love that. That was so fucking so cute. Mm-hmm. Oh, man.

And also so horrible. Like, just. Yeah. There was so much toxicity in that whole kingdom. It was suffocating. Mm-hmm. The only cool people are the aunties, the girl, and the queen. Yep.

And I guess the girl is questionable because she i guess still marries this guy i mean that's where the story ends maybe she overhears that and she's like uh bye yeah you don't know that's what i would like maybe she leaves that would be ideal she i don't know pulls up the ranks becomes queen and i don't know incites some really good change also a solid choice i yeah okay i'd be into that good fix i like your fix for it i don't know if i got any points because it doesn't say whether or not they're related or have kids of their own yeah and they did not give her any mysterious quest. Nope. They didn't. They just showed up and were the ultimate on to you.

Yeah. Yeah. I'd say no points. I'm sorry. That's fine. Nope. That's fair. I think that makes sense.

That was really fun. Those stories are so cute. I want more Asbjornson and Moe stories. I don't know if this book has all of them, like all of the collected stories. I don't know, but I do really like them. They always end up being really unique and interesting.

I mean, not that that was the best story I've ever heard, but I thought it was cute. I don't know. I liked it. That was fun. I like a story about auntie solidarity. Hell yeah. Look at that nose real fast. It's so good. It's a literal tree trunk.

It's a cane, pretty much. That is a walking stick nose. Wow. That poor lady. Here's the auntie with the eyes wow she looks like a character from like courage the cowardly dog oh i could totally see that just like that style all right i'm gonna send the last one because why not? Please do. She doesn't look that. She doesn't look weird, though. The other ones I get, but she just looks like an old lady.

Oh, yeah. Super hunchy. Poor old lady. How are you related to this? She looks really grumpy. She's tired. She's worked so fucking hard her whole life. She deserves to look tired.

Yeah. A life of backbreaking labor will do that to a person, you spoiled brat. Whoever made up that story. Isn't this a cute story about how she totally like got to live this dream life yeah right and all hinges on her husband being shallow and her lying about her talents and her lying about her

taking credit for other people's yep it's less cute it's fine though uh thank you so much for joining us once again to listen to fairy tale fix and these very adorable very fun only slightly problematic stories if you enjoyed the show please subscribe leave us a review on apple stitcher or any podcast app at all that will let you do that

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symbolism and other such things at info at fairytalefixpod.com. And so the animated version of Bull's Winter House was voiced by the actors from Parks and Rec, thereby sort of evening out some of the representation issues. And the young maiden saw how horrible the prince was and decided to give credit to the three old women for their hard work and awesomeness, then ran off with her three aunties and learned to spin and weave and sew and became extraordinarily talented. Love it. And they all lived happily ever after. The end.