Fairy Tale Fix - 37: Abrupt Endings

Episode Date: February 15, 2022

This week Kelsey gets romantic for Valentine’s Day with a tale from Hungary called The Lover’s Ghost, and Abbie tells a much less romantic but wildly hilarious Korean folk tale called The Toad Bridegroom.

I will forever and always have Captain Planet as sung by Kelsey Horn stuck in my head for the rest of time. I think I sing it wrong too. I don't think the melody is. I'm pretty sure. He's our hero. That's how it is now. Next time I'll do my rendition of Gummy Bears, the theme song. Yes.

Yes. Please. Yes. Please do that. Hello and welcome to Fairytale Fix. I'm Kelsey. And I'm Abby. to fairy tale fix i'm kelsey and i'm abby and uh this is the podcast where we read each other uh adorable sometimes really awful stories and then fix them for you our dear listeners and for ourselves and our sense of pride i guess yes yeah we read fairy tales and we tell you how we would fix them which usually i don't know i feel like it usually makes them worse it makes them it makes them worse for the characters but a more interesting story for us i think yeah okay that's the perfect way to put it i love that

yeah thank you yeah these tales are wacky and crazy and I love them so much. I'm always so excited to tell you the story that I read. Likewise. I am very excited about my story for today. I'm very also excited for my fix for the story that I'm going to tell you today. Oh, I love it when you get a really good fix. That's like, oh, this would make the story so good. This would make it amazing. And sometimes these stories need to actually get crazier. You know, it's funny. Sometimes I actually remember the fairy tale with our fix instead of how it actually ended. Really?

Like, sometimes I'll be telling someone a story and I'm like, wait, how did it end? I can't remember. Especially Toads and Diamonds. That's one of the ones that I always am like, yeah, and then Fanny went off to live in the woods. Yeah. With her friends and with her snake friends. Yeah, with all of the snakes and toads. And she lived a happy life out there with the only people that love her.

She didn't die a horrible death for no reason. Absolutely not for just being. No, absolutely not. For just being rude to a rich lady. That's definitely not what happened to Fanny. No, that's why you remember that ending better because it's a better ending. And Bluebeard is still a pirate to me. So, and always will be.

Bluebeard will always be a pirate. Always be a pirate. Speaking of pirates. And for always, Bluebeard be a pirate. Always be a pirate. Speaking of pirates. Forever and for always, Bluebeard is a pirate. Did you do a pirate story? Did you finally get a pirate story for today? No, I didn't. But I have been playing this game called Sea of Thieves.

Oh, I've heard of this game. I get to be a pirate. It is so much fun. So Adam has been trying to get me to play this game for a while. And he's like, you're going to love it. You're going to be a pirate. It is so much fun. So Adam has been trying to get me to play this game for a while. And he's like, you're gonna love it. You gotta be a pirate. And I'm like, yeah, sure, whatever. And I kind of just like kept brushing him off until finally it was like, all right, I'll try this game. And it is freaking awesome. You get to like pick the size of your boat and assemble a crew of like your friends so usually it's just me and adam playing

right now and there are other pirates on the server and they can attack you and try to kill you but you could also go on like buried treasure hunts and go fight ghost ships and it's so silly and you're actually on a ship like steering it and doing the sails. I don't know. It's really cute. That does sound really cute. So that's what I have been spending all my time doing. Very charming. Yeah. Living my pirate dreams. Finally.

At long last living those pirate dreams. I'm so happy for you. I've heard that game is a lot of fun to play. I think my sibling, Madeline, was very into it for a little while as well. They were playing it with their partner, Dunce, I think. Uh-huh. Madeline, if you are still playing. Madeline, if you'd like that strict from the record. Get that on my crew. Yes, join Kelsey's's crew please do it's so much fun except you know when other

people are playing and they have like five people in their crew and they all come and try to kill you and then it's it's very exciting but also very scary it's still because you know how like being on the sea alone i don't know it freaks me out a little bit even though it's just a game you're still like in the middle of the ocean and people are attacking you and your ship could actually sink yeah no this is why I don't play games where

there's any possibility of PvP any possibility of PvP at all it is not it is anxiety inducing and not in like not in a fun way for me like i understand how that can be fun it can add a lot of spice to a game for other people but if there is any possibility that someone can come into my game and interrupt whatever i'm doing to try to

kill me yep no i hate it. No, thank you. I'm also not very good at these games, so I don't win the fights that I get into. Yeah, I don't usually win against other people, but it is so satisfying when you can finally get revenge. So what we actually like to do is do like stealth revenge. stealth revenge. So we'll grab these like explosive gunpowder barrels and we'll swim like really far and sneak onto their ship and then detonate it while we're on it. It's like a suicide mission. You're so insane. It's so fun. It's so satisfying. Oh my God. That sounds like a nightmare. And then you all end up dead on the Dutchman's crew together So like when you die in the game

There's really not that much to lose You just show up back on your ship Unless it sinks and then you just show up back on an island With a new ship I mean that's not so bad As consequences go There's like a waiting period where you're sitting there On the Dutchman's ship

Ooh they have the Dutchman it's like a ghost ship it's really creepy but then you're there with all of the people that died with you and you're just waiting for this door to each other is there is there like a way to talk to each other sort of uh it censors a lot of stuff like that but you can do um gestures at each other so i actually got killed by a guy and he was like doing a raspberry at me or whatever. I was really angry and then he was doing that and then it made me laugh. Bloody pirates. Bloody pirates.

It's very fun. It's very cute. That sounds very funny. It's a cute cartoony game i've been enjoying it it does look really pretty it's popped up on my steam recommendations a few times and i enjoy looking at the videos of it like the art style is really gorgeous yeah it's fun what about you what have you been up to lately we went we already had our very long witcher related rant but i was able to blend two things that i am obsessed with which is uh the witcher and vampires because i realized after after season

two of the witcher finished up after i finished watching it that i never actually beat the final expansion for the witcher 3 yeah uh which is blood and wine and so it's a vampire it's a vampire story and i never actually finished it i've been spending all of my time playing that expansion for the past couple of weeks in my spare time amazing thank you i fought the final boss uh a few days ago and this is how great i am at fighting and how great i am at video games. I tried to fight him once. I got him pretty whittled down on normal mode. I was feeling really good about myself. And then he transformed into his third and final form, the third stage of his stupid fight.

And then he killed me in like two seconds because he did that thing. And it's the thing I cannot abide. I cannot abide it in video games where they stun you and so you just have to stand there and let them hit you until you die and i yes i was so angry i flung my controller across the room i stomped around for a little while i yelled at my dog and then i i playfully yelled at my dog he wagged his tail at me the entire time. I didn't actually frighten my dog. He's a good sport.

He's a very good sport. But I felt much better. And then I went down. I sat down. I reloaded my save. And I immediately dropped myself down to story mode. Because fuck that i didn't even want to try again so i dropped myself down to story mode and i killed him super easy and i felt great about it the best kind of

vengeance absolutely just get in there i got you this time i've got you this time i've learned all of your moves about it i you going to do about it? I'm so much stronger than you and you don't have nearly as many hit points as you used to. You fool. Oh, I love it. Yeah, it was fantastic. I felt like a badass. It was a fun little vampire story.

Yeah. You know, I've been meaning to play The Witcher because I love the story so much, and I didn't realize that it was based on Slavic folklore. So I think it's a great game. I think it's a great game, and it's been out for a while, so you can pick it up on sale. Hell yeah. Or quite a bit less money. I'm so bad at starting new things. It always takes me forever. So.

And also the game is long, long. It took me, I think, like 200 hours or so to beat the main story. Yeah. And that's, that's because I also did, I did a bunch of side quests and I also just would leave the game running while i went and did other stuff so some of that is just like afk stuff but gotcha but the the main storyline is very long and there's a lot but at the same time the world feels so populated like there's just a bunch of interesting side quests that can catch your attention that you can run off and that's fun i like that when there's like a bunch of different things you can do in case you get kind of tired of the story arc yeah it's a it's a it's a good time i i enjoyed that game nice it is very long though what video games are you playing dear listeners tweet at us

yes please tell us what uh what games that you like that you think we should play. Yay, game recommendations. Yes, I mostly am only interested in RPGs or something single player. If you have anything involving multiplayer games,

direct those to Kelsey, please. Yeah, open world multiplayer. Mostly, open world multiplayer. Mostly, I like cooperative games. That's why I like the pirate games so much because you have people that can help you. If you have like a bunch of players, it's like easier to have a big ship.

You can have like a really three-mast ship. I've been playing the one-mast and it's a very tiny and very cute. You need to get some more crew. It's fun. You need to hire on some crew. I think my goal for that game is to get a parrot and then I'll be good. You have to like do a bunch of quests to get. You can get a parrot?

Uh-huh. You have to get a certain type of gold. You can get a cat or a dog or a – oh, actually, she didn't know if you could get a parrot. Yeah, you could get a parrot. It would be impossible to have a pirate game where you could get a dog but not a parrot. I mean, come on. Right? Oh, you could get a monkey.

Like that wouldn't make any sense. Oh, and there's like a Disney version too. Sure, a monkey version too. So you can be Captain Jack Sparrow basically. Yeah, we haven't done that yet. Oh, okay. Which I think is ridiculous because I just love pirates. I want to be Jeffrey Rush. That is what I want. Right. I mean, if you can play Barbossa, now you've got me. I love him so much.

So much. Captain Barbossa is one of my favorite fictional characters of all time. 100%. Did nothing wrong. did nothing wrong well speaking of ghostly pirates oh be ready for my story is it really going to be about ghostly pirates kelsey don't tease me it's not not quite not quite i wish i should have worked harder i didn't um so i actually chose my story today based on the fact that yesterday was Valentine's Day I know I was going with a theme I'm feeling very romantic oh my gosh I may change which story I decide to do oh really yeah I I had it down to two stories and one of them is decidedly less romantic than the other one and I I for I forgot that this was coming out the day after Valentine's Day I may have to change my

story yeah I was feeling very romantic so I picked one based on the fact that yesterday was Valentine's Day and I am not a super romantic person but gosh I love Valentineentine's day but i've always celebrated it in the sense that it's always been galentine's day to me like i don't take it as a serious romantic holiday i take it as i want to find punny valentine's day cards to send to all my friends i love it it's the best tradition of all time i adore valentine's day specifically because you always send me candy and a funny card. I just love the cards that come out. They're so cute and funny.

Remember when you're like in elementary school and you all have those mailboxes and you give each other little cards? That was always so much fun to me. I love that. Me too. And I loved the ritual like every February of going to the grocery store with my mom and picking out which like set of Valentine's Day cards I wanted to pass out to all of my classmates. I remember one of my favorite ones that I got was I got like Aladdin Valentine's Day cards one year.

And they're like the really, really tiny ones that you put in those little shoe boxes that you make. I wonder if kids still do that these days. That's fun. I hope so. It was so fun. I loved doing that. Yeah. Me too.

I liked getting them. It was fun. Yeah. You got candy. I mean, I don't know. I just think Valentine's Day is fun. I don't take it super seriously. And that's why my story is called The Lover's Ghost.

I'm so excited. Okay. The Lover's Ghost. Oh, and it's a story from Hungary. Hungary. Okay. FYI. I found it from the incredible Pittsburgh EDU site that you can find on our show notes. I'll link it. Oh, the lover's ghost from Hungary. The ghost is the male lover. And he was a sailor.

Sailor ghost. Okay, he's a sailor ghost. I want to predict something crazy. Do it. But I'm going to try not to put all of my eggs in the he's a sailor ghost basket. Sailor ghost basket. My third prediction is that his lover has already taken up with someone else by the time his ghost begins appearing to her. Lover has taken another.

Okay. Lover has taken another. Perfect. I love those. It's really funny. I actually just Googled like the most romantic fairy tales. I was like, oh, I'm going to find a super romantic one. And I don't know how this came upon, but I came upon pittsburgh.edu. You know, they have a bunch of fairy tales just available, which are amazing. And it took me to a section called Spectre Bridegrooms. I'm so excited. I love that that was just a section in this. Spectre Bridegrooms was so excited. Yes. So there's a bunch of great stories in here. And when you go to the show notes and check out the

link to go to the story, there's all of those in there. So this was my favorite. Here is The Lover's Ghost. Somewhere, I don't know where, even beyond the Operensian Seas, there was once a maid who had lost her father and mother. Yet she was not alone. She loved the handsomest lad in the village. And she sure did. They always do. But of course.

And they were as happy together as a pair of turtle doves in the wood. Aww. as happy together as a pair of turtle doves in the wood. Aw. They fixed the day of the wedding at a not very distant date and invited their most intimate friends to it. The girl, her godmother, the lad, and a dear old friend of his. So just a four-person wedding. Sounds amazing.

I love that. Very intimate. I'm a big fan of a small wedding. Absolutely. So time went on and the wedding would have taken place in another week. But in the meantime, war broke out in the country. The king called out to all of his fighting men to march against the enemy. The sabers were sharpened and the gallant fellows on fine, gaily-caparisoned horses swarmed the banners of the king like bees.

Nice. Good imagery. Yeah, it's really, I like how this is written a lot. Yeah. So John, our hero, took leave of his pretty fiancée, and he let out his gray charger, mounted, and said to his young bride, I shall be back in three years,

my dove, which is so cute. That's so cute, but you can't get married real quick first. My dove. That's my favorite nickname. I do. I love that a lot. All right. So he's a cavalry man and not a sailor.

Yep. Sorry. But it is okay. He is the man in the relationship. So far. He's still alive. It's not that obvious, is it? You told me it was from a section called Spectre Bridegrooms.

Well, it's also called The Lover's Ghost. I feel like that gives a lot away. I thought about not telling you the title of the story, but it's too late for that. Well, I mean, you know, it could have been the woman. Maybe it still will be. It won't be. I shall be back in three years, my dove. Wait until then and don't be afraid.

I promise to bring you back my love and remain faithful to you. Even were I tempted by the beauty of a thousand other girls. Well, that's nice of him to say. I don't know why he has to say that at all, but okay. I don't know. People follow armies and offer services. I don't know. Maybe it does need to be said. Well, the last accompanied him as far as the frontier and before parting solemnly promised to him amidst a shower of tears that all of the treasures of the whole world should not tempt her to marry another even if she had to wait 10 years for her john

so for him it's beauty for her it's money okay fair enough at least they're honest with each other they're honest with each other the war lasted two years and then peace was concluded between the belligerents the girl was highly pleased with the news because she expected to see her lover return with the others she grew impatient and would sally forth on the road by which he was expected to return to meet him she would go out often 10 times a day but as yet she had no tidings of her john three years elapsed four years had gone by and the bridegroom had not yet returned the girl could not wait any longer but went to see her godmother and asked for her advice who i must tell you between ourselves, was a witch.

Yes! Oh, I love how the storyteller presents it. It's just like, come here, lean a little closer so I can whisper it to you. It's in parentheses. She's a witch! Yes, amazing, incredible. I knew you would love that. I always, I love a witch. you would love that. I always.

I love a witch. Give me a witch. Me too. The old hag received her well and gave her the following direction. As it will be a full moon tomorrow night, go into the cemetery, my dear girl, and ask the gravedigger to give you a human skull. If he should refuse, tell him that it is i who sent you then bring the skull home to me and we shall place it in a huge earthenware pot and boil it with some

millet for say two hours sorry i'm just stuck on the gravedigger uh just like oh you tell him i sent you he knows better than to refuse me bits and pieces of dead people. You may be sure it will let you know whether your lover is alive yet or dead, and perchance it will entice him here. Yes. The girl had a spooky ritual.

I'm so excited. Doesn't this sound like she could become a witch's apprentice? It sounds like she should be a witch. It's also her godmother. I know. What is a godmother for except to teach you how to summon the dead? Mm-hmm.

The girl thanked her for her good advice and went to the cemetery the next night. She found the gravedigger enjoying his pipe in front of the gate. Good evening to you, dear old father. Good evening, my lass. What are you doing here at this hour of the night? I have come to ask you to grant me a favor. Let me hear what it is, and if I can, I will comply with your request. Well then, give me a human skull. give me a human skull with pleasure which is my favorite line of the whole story he just he doesn't give a fuck he's just straight up with pleasure 100 percent uh which one do you want we have a wide variety this gravedigger is such a bro oh god so bad at his job you know it was a different time back then this is gotta be what 1600s sure

anyway uh so he says what do you intend to do with it i don't know exactly myself my godmother has sent me for it well and good here's one take it which i love so much oh god oh the crew that gets me every time i read it oh the girl carefully wrapped up the skull and ran home with it having arrived at home she put it in a huge earthenware pot with some millet and at once placed it in the fire the millet soon began to boil and throw up bubbles as big as two fists the girl was eagerly watching it and wondering what would happen when all of a sudden a huge bubble formed on the surface of the boiling mass and went off with a loud report like a musket. The next moment, the girl saw the skull balanced on the rim of the pot. It has started, it said in a vicious tone. The girl waited a little longer when two more loud reports came from the pot and the skull said he has gone halfway

another few moments elapsed and the pot gave a three very loud reports and the skull was heard to say he has arrived outside in the yard oh my god oh nothing about this seems good what oh my, this is such a good ghost story. The maid thereupon rushed out and found her lover standing close to the threshold. His charger was snow white and he himself was clad entirely in white, including his helmets and boots. You tried to pretend that he wasn't dead. I wonder why. As soon as he caught sight of the girl, he asked, will you come to the country where I dwell?

To be sure, my dear Jack, to the very end of the world. Then come up to my saddle. And the girl mounted into the saddle and they embraced and kissed one another ever so many times. Babe. Aww. Aww. Honey, he's dead. The country he comes from is the land of the dead and is the country where you live very far from here yes my love it is

it is very far but in spite of the distance it will not take us long to get there. All I have to do is kill you. Then they started on their journey. When they got outside of the village, they saw ten mounted men rush past, all clad in spotless white, like the finest wheat flour. As soon as they vanished, another ten appeared and could very well be seen in the moonlight when suddenly John said, how beautifully shines the moon, the moon, how beautifully march past the dead. Are you afraid, my love, my little Judith? And she has a name. She has a name. Aw. Little Judith. John and Judith. He's the cutest nicknames for Hearst. I still stan it.

I still ship it. No, no. I am so excited that she was like, absolutely, I'll go with you. I'm so excited to go to the land of the dead. I don't know. I don't think she realizes yet. No. She's real pretty, it sounds like.

She's real pretty. I am not afraid while I can see you, my dear Jack. As they proceeded, the girl saw a hundred mounted men. They rode past in beautiful military order like soldiers. So as soon as the hundred vanished, another hundred appeared and followed the others. And her lover said, how beautifully shines the moon, the moon. How beautifully march past the dead. Are you afraid, my love, my little Judith? I am not afraid while I can see you, my darling Jack. As they proceeded, the mounted men appeared in fast increasing

numbers so that she could not count them. Some rode past so close that they nearly brushed against her. Again, her lover said, how beautifully shines the moon, the moon, how beautifully march past the dead. Are you afraid, my love, my little Judith? I am not afraid while I see you, Jack, my darling. So romantic. So romantic. You are a brave and good girl, my dove. I see that you would do anything for me. As a reward, you shall have everything that your heart can wish when we get to my new country. They went along till they came to an old burial ground, which was enclosed by a black wall. John stopped here and said to his sweetheart, this is our country, my little Judith.

We shall soon come to our house. Okay, sweetheart. This is our country, my little Judith. We shall soon come to our house. The house to which John alluded was an open grave at the bottom of which an empty coffin could be seen with the lid off. Go in, my darling. Oh, no. You had better go first, my love, Jack, replied the girl. Oh, my God, I love this so much.

You know the way. Tell me she slams that coffin lid on him thereupon the lad descended into the grave and laid down in the coffin but the last instead of following him the maid ran away as fast as her feet could carry her and took refuge in a mansion that was situated a couple miles from the cemetery when she reached the mansion yeah she is the smartest good girl good girl get the hell out of there like stay sexy stay sexy so pretty ssdgm judith when she had reached the mansion she took every door but none of them would open to her entreaties, except one that led to a long corridor at the end of which there was a dead body laid out in a state coffin.

Hmm. The lass secreted herself into a dark corner of the fireplace. As soon as John discovered that his bride had run away, he jumped out of the grave and pursued the lass, but in spite of all his exertions, he could not overtake her. Okay. When he reached the door at the end of the corridor, he knocked and exclaimed,

dead man, open the door to a fellow dead man. The corpse inside began to tremble at these words. Again, said Jack, dead man, open the door to a fellow dead man. Now the corpse sat up in the coffin

and as Jack repeated a third time the words, dead man, open the door to a fellow dead man. The corpse walked to the door and opened it. Is my bride here? Yes, there she is hiding in the corner of the fireplace. Come and let us tear her

in pieces. Oh my god, really? That's the plan yep he's just taking her home that was a zombie story and with this intention they both approached the girl but just as they were about to lay hands upon her the cock in the loft began to crow. An announced daybreak and the two dead men disappeared. The next moment, a most richly... Sorry. Those, uh... Those cocks.

Those cocks. Those cocks be crowing. Those cocks do be crowing. I knew you'd like that part too. Yep. Please keep going. The next moment, a most richly attired gentleman entered from one of the neighboring rooms. Judging by his appearance, one would have believed that it was the king himself who at once approached the girl and overwhelmed her with embraces and kisses.

What? When? So romantic. What? When? So romantic. What? When? When did this happen? When? I'm sorry, story.

I have a question. When did the king show up before? Just then. The next moment. Wait, I thought it said that he'd been by her village before and had tried to like get her to marry him no that was no am i wrong in existence i know they all kind of blend together at one point gotcha yeah no absolutely all right sorry no this is the first mention of him at all okay really random he's just really excited and you're gonna find out why i don't think he's assaulting her. Actually, I think it says like he's overwhelming her with embraces and kisses.

But I think he's just like, I'm imagining him more kissing her hand because he says, thank you so much. The corpse that you saw here laid out in state was my brother. I have already buried him 365 times with the greatest pomp, but he has returned each time. And you have relieved me of him, my sweet, pretty darling. You shall become mine and I yours. Not even the hoe

and the spade shall separate us from one another. And the girl consented to the proposal of the rich gentleman, and they got married and celebrated their wedding feast during the same winter and this is how far the tale goes this is the end of it the end it had kind of an abrupt ending i mean but the the rich guy or the king showing up at the end of the story to go marry the maiden is always a very abrupt ending it's usually the last paragraph of the story oh it's on par i love that he just shows up at least there was like a reason he was like no it's not just like oh and the king happened

to be riding through the woods. It was I've tried to bury my brother like more than 300 times and you have finally managed to get him to like rest in peace. I love you

so much. Marry me please. And she's like okay alright my husband's dead who cares who cares you're a king you say a king you say do you think she's got things to do she doesn't she can't

wait around for a dead man nope well and the thing is she did I mean she'd already been waiting for Nope. And the thing is, she did. She moved on pretty fast, though. I mean, she'd already been waiting for him for like nearly 10 years. I think, you know. It was just three. Three years. But, yeah. Well, the war was three years.

And then. No, the war was two years. No, you wait. It was. And then she waited two more years. So it was four years. Still. Whatever. She waited a long

time after that whole i i think she says she would wait 10 years yes yes that must have been where i got that number no matter how rich he was and then anyway well apparently you won't happy valentine's day valentine Day. That was not a very romantic story at all. That's why I picked it. That's the kind of Valentine's Day stuff I like. My fix. Yes, please tell me your fix. Clearly.

I think I know. Yeah, I think everybody knows. Clearly, the maid moves back in with her godmother and becomes an apprentice witch and learns magic. And also, I think it'd be cute if she married the gravedigger so she could get all the free skulls she wants. All the free skulls for her magic. Although it sounds like anybody really can.

It doesn't sound hard. I love how her godmother was even like, if he resists, tell him I sent you. And he didn't resist at all. He had no follow-up questions. With pleasure. With pleasure. What the hell do you mean? Oh, gosh.

My question is, like, why was her godmother – okay, you know, because my additional fix for the story, and I think it probably ties in with yours, is, is like why was her godmother not supervising her doing this ritual she just tells her to boil it with millet and she's like peace she's like bye and then like the the skull ritual actually summons the the corpse of her dead lover this godmother has crazy auntie energy yeah crazy wacky auntie energy i'm actually here for it she's like here's how to do witchcraft even though you're not a witch and now i'm gonna leave now and i'm not gonna supervise you doing this at all i am not going to advise you about the possible things that can happen i'm just gonna say Oh, you want to find out why he's dead? I, you know,

boil a skull and some millet ask, I guess. I actually love her. That's my fix is the godmother supervises this ritual. That's a really good fix. Thank you. Thank you. Clearly this girl is very like sweet and very like and very brave and runs very very fast but she's not a great thinker immediately

it takes her a minute i've never heard that before she's so pretty that's funny to me i like it it. I'm gonna use that. Oh, honey. Oh, honey. I love that story so much. Thank you for telling that to me. I'm going to go tell it now to everybody that I know. You got one point. Yes, one point for me.

Although he should have been a sailor ghost. I would have been. If all of this had taken part on a ship and he was a pirate ghost oh i want pirates you know i feel like there there have to be pirates in fairy tales they just haven't come across them yet yeah there have to be right like because there's so many like there's so many pirates in fairy tale things that are modern day like stardust they have lightning pirates yeah yeah they have the lightning pirates you know what i'm gonna make that my mission i'm going to find you some pirate

i'm going to find you a pirate folktale i'm going to search high and low and i will find you one you know part of the reason i feel like I don't find the stories of the things that I want is because I also, I love pretty much all of the stories I read. So I immediately stop and I go, Oh, I'm going to tell her this one. I don't keep looking for another story. I just get too excited about the one I'm currently reading. Nope. It's really easy to just be how it goes. Yeah. Same. I'm just like, Oh my god kelsey will love this one or or sometimes i find we're like oh kelsey will hate this one i'm definitely gonna tell her this one yeah basically i think our podcast could go on forever and ever i don't think we'll ever run out of stories

nope it's entirely going to be a question of like how long we can afford to keep doing this. Oh, man. Oh, by the way, super fun news. We now have 12 five-star ratings on Spotify. That made me really excited. We do? Oh, excellent. Thank you to all 12 of you who rated us on Spotify. Or just listen.

You don't have to rate us. No pressure. But, you know, they are our favorites. Yeah. I'm not saying no pressure. I'm saying a little pressure. A little pressure to go leave us reviews, you know, either like by giving us some stars on Spotify or by leaving us a review on like Apple or Google podcast or something, it really does help grow the show. And it's totally free. Only do it if

you like us. Yeah, you don't have to go leave that. If you don't like us. Actually, I don't know. Sometimes the one star reviews for podcasts are my favorite because they're so funny. They're always mad about something that doesn't have really anything to do with the podcast or like yeah something else is bothering them like i don't know to leave a one-star review or even like a lower review i feel like you really have to hate that podcast which you know that's too. You're allowed to have your opinions. Yeah, feel your feelings about us and don't tell me about them.

Just don't say it to my face. I'm really sensitive, okay? I'm really sensitive. I will cry. Well, we're going to take a quick break and be back in about a minute for my story. And in the meantime, we're,

we're, we're diverting from format a little bit and popping in the trailer for another show that we love. So, so, so much could have been heroes. Do you like stories, fairy tales,

adventure, happy, sad, scary things. Do you like fantasy gaming or just enjoy some good collaborative tale telling then do we have the podcast for you come travel with us in the lands of un on could have been heroes podcast could have been heroes as an actual play podcast where six old friends adventure as six total strangers who after missing their shots at destiny, now get a second chance to make a

mess of everything. Tumble down to Farry Tall, a world cast in the spirit of Wonderland and Oz, but with more murder, blood, and swears. Set in a unique and developing RPG that filters fantasy, horror, pop culture, and other wonderful nonsense through the brains of a bunch of weirdos making their dream game. You can catch Could Have Been Heroes on iTunes, Spotify, Google Play, and wherever else you get your podcasts. I just stole a french fry from Adam. You did.

And it fucking stabbed me in the roof of my mouth. I'm sorry. I'm glad I finished my story. Yeah, now all you have to do is react to mine. Oh, okay. I'm excited. Tell me your story. I'm reading from a new book today.

This book is called Favorite Folk Tales from Around the World with Jane Yolen being the editor. I loved her books growing up. She wrote a very upsetting series about dragon pit fighting that – Like cockfights? Yes, exactly, like cockfights. Always trying to find a way to bring up cocks. Yes. Just for you.

But essentially that, but with dragons on like a desert planet in the far future. Um, it is, that's a wild ride. I don't know. It sounds like it could be good, but it also sounds like it could be fucking rain of fire. That should have been, how do you make the dragon apocalypse? Actually,

it was, it wasn't boring dragon apocalypse. It is, it is absolutely metal, like underdog. Awesome, but also very disturbing series. Anyway. So are these like classic fairy tales or these retellings? Yeah. These are classic fairy tales. Someone approached Jane Yolen and asked her to curate a selection of fairy tales, but it's all from like the Pantheon Fairy Tale and Folklore Library. Cool. People should do that for us. And then that's the book we're going to write. We're going to write the fairy tales, but with our fixes. With our fixes for them. I am not kidding.

I feel like that's a great idea. I think that's, oh my goodness, that could be our book deal. That could be our book deal. That could be the book deal that we get. First, we need more reviews on Apple Podcasts so that we get big so that someone will offer us a book deal. Yeah, damn you listeners. No, I'm just kidding. Then we'll publish a book of fairy tales with our fixes on them. Oh, I want to write this book so bad.

Yes. Okay. Well, we'll put that idea in the idea brain. So anyway, this is from favorite folktales around the world. And I didn't even remember that this was coming out the day after Valentine's Day. And I still was reading stories from the section called True Love and False. Oh, I love that. Yeah, in this book.

So I was torn between two different stories. Yeah, in this book. So I was torn between two different stories. Whichever one I don't read today, I will probably read on the next episode because I like them so much. So I want you to choose between either The Toad Bridegroom or Taken. God, I want The Toad Bridegroom. I want it so bad. You want The Toad Bridegroom. I want it so bad. You want the toad bridegroom. You know why? So by the time this comes out, actually, I think your tattoo might be more complete. Yes. This hasn't probably been announced on the podcast yet. We've probably

posted a picture of it. Abby has a fucking Baba Yaga fairy tale sleeve in the works. And it's incredible. I know it looks incredible so far. I've only, I've only, as of this recording, I've only got the hut so far. I've got Baba Yaga's chicken legged hut.

And then I think by the time this episode comes out, I will have added a unicorn growing out of a tree. So good. Just so good. And then there's also going to be a full moon on my shoulder with a rabbit in it from the Rabbit in the Moon folktale from Japan, which that's my artist's favorite folktale. Have you told me that one? I, I have not told you that one. I don't think, I don't know that one.

I might, uh, I, you know, I might do that one. I might do that one pretty soon after like, I'll do that one after, um,

Gina adds the rabbit in the moon tattoo to my sleeve. And then we can post a picture of it. Awesome. Um, yeah. If, if anyone who lives in the Maryland area area is looking to get a beautiful illustrative tattoo, Gina Takaoka at Dancing Fox tattoo in in Baltimore

is so amazing. They're so fun. They're so lovely. Their art is incredible. We'll post many pictures as this process continues, but anyway. But it, it made me, it made me want to get a tattoo. And I've really, I actually think I sent it to you. I really want to get a toad tattoo. I really want it. You sent me the tattoo, the tattoo you were looking at. Yeah.

It's actually from, you know, I'm going to post this one too, because I never have any reason to post it. But it's from one of my favorite artists, and we follow her on Instagram. But she is ridiculously talented. Her name is Jamie Lauby. And she is, her Instagram is jamie.lauby. I will repost this picture, but I want this toad as a tattoo. It's like a toad with a witch hat and he has a worm in his mouth. Yes. Oh, it's so cute. And it would look so pretty.

I love it so much. That or I want a toad licking its eyeball because I think that's funny. I love toads so much. They're one of my favorite animals of all time. I think they're just the coolest. They always look grumpy, which I think is cute. Where would you get it? I don't know.

I won't. I'm not a tattoo person. I know, but it would be so pretty. It would be so cute. I don't know where I would put it because I probably wouldn't actually get it. Maybe on a shoulder blade. I don't know. Sure. But I just think toads are the coolest. So I want to hear the toad bridegroom. Yes. So we're keeping it. We had a specter bridegroom and now we're going to have a toad bridegroom. Yeah. Is that the one you were thinking about switching it to?

It was the one I was thinking about switching it to. Yeah. The other one was either going to be Taken, which is an Irish story. That was the one that I had a better fix for, but I still like the Toad Bridegroom very much. So this is the Toad Bridegroom from Korea. Make me three predictions. Okay. I'm just going to do predictions based on what I want the story to be about. Great. I want it to be a real toad and not like a person turned into a toad. I'm going to predict that the marriage or marriage proposal isn't like someone isn't happy about marrying a toad. Because that's usually how these stories go. Although a story from Korea, I feel like it could change.

I don't know. And thirdly, I feel like this is based on a fairy tale that you've already told me, but I'm going to predict it anyway. Somebody's dad made a huge mistake. So you're really going the monkey bridegroom way with this one. I think somebody's dad made a huge mistake or just any animal bridegroom story you know what i mean most animal bridegroom stories are usually someone's dad made a huge mistake stories that's my guess amazing all right i love all of those predictions and uh let's let's let's do it tell me a tale i'll tell you the toad bridegroom long ago there lived a poor fisherman in a certain

village and one day he went fishing in the lake as usual but found that he could not catch as many fish as he was accustomed to and on on each of the following days, he found his catch growing smaller and smaller. He tried new baits and bought new hooks, but all to no avail. At last, even the water of the lake began to disappear until in the end it became too shallow for fishing. And one afternoon in the late summer, the bottom of the lake was exposed to view and a big toad came out from it. The fisherman immediately thought that it must have eaten up all the fish and angrily cursed the toad, its parents, its brothers, its wife and its children. Then the toad spoke to him gently, rolling its eyes.

Do not be angry because one day I will bring you good fortune. I wish to live in your house, so please let me go with you. Yes, I would say yes. Absolutely. Yes. Well, the fisherman was annoyed that a toad should make such a request and hastened home without it. Rude. Gosh, this fisherman. Uh-huh. That evening, the toad came to his house. His wife, who had already heard about it from her husband, received it kindly and made a bed for it in the corner of the kitchen. Then she brought it worms and scraps to eat. I love her. I know. She's actually a really nice person. Also, I just want to mention that maybe one of the reasons I love toads so much is I have

so many of them around my house. You do. It's really cool seeing them. Also, so many frogs. I have got a ton of frogs and a ton of toads that live by my house. And so often that when I open my back door, I have had more frogs fall on my head than I can count. Like, yeah, it's like a little plague in my house. Uh-huh. Except I actually enjoy it because they're very fun. I have found a frog in my toilet before. Ew.

Like, they are everywhere. Yeah. I mean, I've seen them on your back porch after it rains when I come visit. Yeah. But that's never in the toilet. That's good because I would scream. Yeah. They're fun.

Scream and scream and scream. Anyway, so the fisherman's wife is a much nicer person than he is. She welcomes the frog in and feeds him and gives him a place to sleep. The couple had no children of their own and decided to keep the toad as a pet. Oh, I love it. It soon grew to be as big as a boy and they came to love it as if it was their son this is so good i know it's a huge toad and it's like their son oh it's soups their son it's adorable uh nearby there lived a rich man who had three daughters

and one day the toad told the fisherman and his wife that it would like to marry one of the three daughters. They were most alarmed at this unreasonable request and earnestly advised it to forget such an impossible ambition. But it's our son! But what do we have to provide for our son, the toad? These are my kind of people. I know. They're the best. I want to see like a little cartoon of this so badly.

It's utterly absurd, they said. How can poor people like us propose marriage to such a great family? And they added as an afterthought, you're not even a human being. I like that that's the afterthought their first thought was like um we're way too poor to offer to say that the lord should marry should marry off one of his daughters into our family and i and i guess another large hurdle is that you're actually a large toad and not a human.

Yep. So, Oh, and I guess you're a toad and not even human. And I guess you're a toad. That's something that's probably also an obstacle. So the toad replied, I don't care what the rank of the family is.

The parents may object, but yet one of the daughters may be willing to accept me. knows please go and ask and let me know what answer you receive i.e he went ribbit so the fisherman's wife went and called on the mistress of the rich man's house and told her what her toad son had asked the lady was greatly displeased and went and told her husband no none of my daughters will be marrying your toad i thought we had made it clear uh that is amazing that is not a question you should ever have come here with

my cheeks are gonna hurt after this one oh god it's so adorable she went and she tells her husband he was furiously angry at such a preposterous suggestion and this is less cute ordered his servant to beat the toad's foster mother jeez i know god damn she did in fairness show up at his house and ask if one of his daughters would marry her pet toad so i mean i mean i'm not saying she deserves to be beaten over it but maybe give her some help or not she's clearly not well or you know just a really kind loving person who adopted a toad who could talk which is also very wonderful of her definitely not a crime worth being beat no it's not certainly not nothing nothing is that's not true of nazis

just punch them okay you know what there's exceptions to every rule yes yes punch nazis always nazis racist just punch them right in the face it's okay it's legal that's legal i'm kidding that is not legal don legal it is legal you should definitely punch nazis all the time um anyway so the poor woman returned home and told the toad of her painful experience i'm very sorry that you have been treated like that mother the toad said to her but don't let it worry you too much just wait and see what will happen this toad makes his own look he does that is a 100 good luck charm right there uh yeah he's extremely lucky in the sense that what he does next is uh you know he's he's a man with a plan he went out and caught a hawk and brought it home. And late that night,

he tied a lit lantern to its foot and crept stealthily to the rich man's house. He tied a long string to the hawk's foot and then climbed a tall persimmon tree, which stood by the house. Then he held the end of the string in his hand and released the hawk to fly over the house. And as it flew into the air,

he solemnly declared in a loud voice the master of this house shall listen to my words for i have been dispatched by the heavenly king today you rejected a proposal of marriage and now you shall be punished for your arrogance what the fuck i love this toad. He means business. Yeah, absolutely. It's like a hawk, like a kite. He's got a hawk as a kite on a string with a lantern on its claws.

And he's all like, you rejected a marriage proposal. Now you shall be punished. He's got like a piece of paper making like thunder sounds in the background it really does remind me of that scene from um from mulan yes oh my god we're like we're like kriki is fanning the fire to make mushu's shadow like super tall although i do think a toad like the size of a boy is it would be absolutely terrifying oh 100 i don't think he would need he's so extra the hawk is not to inspire is not to necessarily inspire fear oh okay um i shall give you one day to reconsider your decision i advise you to accept the toad's Oh my god! Violence!

I know. Holy shit. The people in the house were startled by this nocturnal proclamation from the sky, and they opened the windows to see what was going on. When they looked up into the sky, they saw a dim light hovering overhead. The master of the house went out into the garden and kneeled humbly on the ground,

looking up into the sky. Then the toad let go of the string he held in his hand and the hawk soared skywards at the lantern still tied to its foot. The rich man was now convinced that what he heard was spoken by a messenger from heaven and at once resolved to consent to the toad's marriage to one of his daughters i i love this so much i want this to be a cartoon yeah and now I want Eddie Murphy to play the voice of the toad. Same. Next morning, the rich man went and called on the toad's foster parents and apologized humbly for his discourteous refusal on the previous day. He said now that he would gladly accept the toad as a son-in-law.

Then he returned home and asked his eldest daughter to marry the toad, but she rushed from the room in fury and humiliation. Aw. I know. I mean, it's a giant toad. Okay, I guess that's fair. Come on. I guess I wouldn't want to marry a toad. I would be the weirdo who wants to have the toad as my son. Yes, that's a much more likely scenario. Like I would so much rather adopt a toad as my child than marry a toad, you know? Yeah. Okay. That's fair. That's fair. I think his eldest daughter is well within her rights to like run out of the room just going like, how could you ask me that? God, this story is so good i know i love it so much uh then he called his second daughter and suggested that she be the toad's wife but she too rushed from the room without a word oh so is the third daughter gonna be like okay dad you know it the third daughter always does the third best daughter so he called his youngest

daughter and explained to her that if she refused she would place the whole family in a most difficult position indeed so stern had been the warning from heaven i know uh if you could see kelsey now she is rolling her eyes so hard yes it's all on you to make this right for us youngest daughter. The sweetest, nicest, youngest daughter. But the younger daughter agreed without the slightest hesitation to marry the toad. Amazing. She's a good kid. What a goddess. The wedding took place on the following day and a great crowd of guests attended, consumed by curiosity at such unusual happenings. Yeah. I would 100% cancel my plans to go to a toad wedding. I'm sorry. Absolutely. Sorry, what's happening? No, the town rich girl is marrying an actual toad. I want to see. I gots to go. I might even go for a dry wedding.

Yes. Oh my goodness. It might be worth it to see a toad get married. Maybe. Okay. That night when the bride and groom retired, the toad asked his bride to bring him a pair of scissors. she went and got a pair and then he asked her to cut the skin off his back this strange request startled her greatly but he insisted that she do so without delay and so she made a long cut in his back and you're going to be very upset kelsey because lo and behold there stepped forth from the skin a handsome young man oh goody we don't hate them i mean i guess good for the for the girl she doesn't have to be married to a toad yeah that's all he needed i mean couldn't he have mentioned that before no and and saved a lot of trouble i don't know just well no and do the story is not quite done yet. There's another paragraph left of shenanigans.

Let's hear it. In the morning, presumably after they bone, the bridegroom put on his toad skin again. So romantic. Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. I'm glad you did this one he took his toad skin off just long enough to have his wedding night and then he puts that shit back he puts it back on again in the morning so that nobody noticed any difference her two sisters sneered contemptuously at the bride with her repulsive husband, which I would feel so sorry for anyone I knew whose dad had made her marry a toad.

Like, especially if it was my sibling. Whatever. She took no notice of them. At noon, all the men of the household went out on horseback with bows and arrows to hunt, and the toad accompanied them on foot and unarmed. But the party had no success in the hunt and the toad accompanied them on foot and unarmed but the party had no success in the hunt and had to return empty-handed the bridegroom stripped off his toad skin and became a man when they had gone and waved his hand in the air then a white-haired old man appeared and he bade him bring 100 deer when the deer came he drove them homeward once more wearing

his toad skin everyone was most surprised to see all the deer and then he suddenly stripped off the toad skin and revealed himself to be a handsome young man at which their astonishment knew no bounds then he released all the deer and rose up to heaven wait what okay so let me break this down for you they go hunting i got that part yeah they go hunting um he he takes off his skin he summons an old man the old man goes and catches deer for him he puts his toad skin back on and he herds all the deer to the mansion then he pulls his chin off and goes well i'm a handsome young man. And they're all like, whoa. And then he ascends to heaven. Peace. Peace. Carrying his bride on his back and his parents in his arms, the end. Oh my God. That was the best story you've ever told in this podcast. Isn't that amazing?

I love Korean fairy tales. They are so fun. Oh my gosh. That was so good. Seriously, you can't see my face, but I had to keep like massaging my cheeks because I'm smiling a lot. I'm trying not to laugh all the time. You really did. Oh my God. I love this story so much. Like, oh my God. Okay. Wow. So good. I have but one fix for it. What could you possibly fix? My only fix for it was that he keeps fucking with them for a little longer. Where like only his wife is in the know about the fact that he's actually like a heavenly prince.

He never told his parents or like. No. He just randomly once he got married, he was like, okay, I'm bored. Bye. He had to have sex. That was a perfect Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. Oh my God. That was a perfect Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. Oh my God.

That was amazing. What was your takeaway? I think it's always the same takeaway as just marry the animal. It's probably a prince in disguise or a princess. I don't think it's ever ended where, no, that's not true. The monkey bride. The monkey bride, Drew, I was just about to say. I don't think it's ever ended where, no, that's not true. The monkey bridegroom, I was just about to say. But I mean, in fairness, the monkey bridegroom never had a chance to reveal whether he was a prince or not because his bride-to-be murdered him on the walk back to his house.

Just 50-50 chance it's really a prince or it's really a princess. She should have rolled the dice on that one. The odds were in her favor that it was actually a prince of some kind. So if an animal proposes to you, just say yes. Just say yes. And then go from there. It's a prince. Oh my God. That was amazing. That was absolutely wild. I love that so much. That was one of my favorite stories you've ever told me thank you i was one of my favorite stories i think i've ever um read i like i love it so much yeah literally my only the only possible fix is that he keeps the ruse going a little longer because it's so funny i like i kind of like how abrupt that ending was though because i was not expecting that at all and he decided to have it at the end. It's like, hi, I'm actually a guy. I'm a heavenly prince.

Bye. I bet you weren't expecting this. Well, peace. Well, and I love that he like he takes his wife with him and he takes his parents. Yes, that was really sweet. I liked that a lot because it wasn't like he revealed himself and then just peaced out to everybody. this book to me a couple months ago and I hadn't had the chance to sort through it and grab a story from it yet. So thanks on Julie. This book is

incredible. It's got some amazing stories. That was so good. Oh wait, my points. Oh points. You got no points. No, I got two points. Okay, maybe one. The person isn't happy

about marrying the toad. she's she was she was fine with it she may she made absolutely no objection oh that's true huh the other two did yeah well crap well the other one was dad made a huge mistake which i think is true i think i get that point because he was totally fooled. But how do you feel? You know, that's a fair assessment. He did make a huge mistake. He completely fell for a toad prince's ruse. I love that imagery of him. I'll give it to you.

I love the imagery. It's so good. I'm so excited I told that one today. I'm also very excited to tell you the Irish one next time. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And we have I know this comes out February 15th, but we do have a lot of fun plans for March, I think. So stay tuned. A lot of fun Irish fairy tale plans. I might just do just Irish fairy tales for March. I'm in the mood. A lot of fun Irish fairy tale plans. I might just do just Irish fairy tales for March. I'm in the mood. They're so good. Yes, they are uniformly incredible, and I am very much in the mood.

Yeah, the next one will be March 1st, so that'll be perfect. I think there's no possible better note to conclude the show on. So I'm going to call it there. Thank you so much for listening to Fairytale Fix. If you enjoyed the show, please subscribe and leave us a review on Apple or Stitcher or Google Pods or leave us some five stars on Spotify. Literally anything will really help boost us in the algorithm and help people find the show. So please do that. If you love the show and want to support us monetarily, you can get extra episodes, merch, books, and other bonus content at our Patreon by signing up at fairytalefix.cash

for about what you'd pay for a latte a month. You can find us on Twitter and Instagram at fairytalefixpod. And you can also email us your favorite fairy tales, folklore, nursery rhymes, the video games you're playing right now, and other such things at info at fairytalefixpod.com. And the maid moved back in with her godmother and became an apprentice witch and learned magic and married the gravedigger instead and got all the free skulls she could ever want. and married the gravedigger instead and got all the free skulls she could ever want. And the toad bridegroom stuck around for another few months, absolutely messing with his in-laws by pretending to still be a giant toad with only his wife in the know.

And his parents still convinced that they just had a giant magical toad for his son. And they all lived happily ever after. The end.