Fairy Tale Fix - 39: Slutty, Mischievous Phantoms

Episode Date: March 15, 2022

The Irish celebration continues! Kelsey reads an Irish tale that takes a violent turn in The Demon Cat, then reads another fairy tale called The Dark Horseman that has a very important Irish lesson about always having a story ready. Abbie reads Far Darrig in Donegal, another important lesson about always having a story ready for the fae!

I'm kind of tipsy, so I don't care about anything that happens right now. I'm just happy to be sitting here talking about fairy tales with my best friend, and I'm in a great mood. Good. I'm glad. So we finally nailed it. We've got this. We've got this. We've got this. We only had mild tech issues this time around. We're here and we're ready to do episode 39 of Fairy Tale Fix.

Woot woot, let's do it. Woot woot, I'm Abby. I'm Kelsey. And Abby is appropriately for this week's episode on beer number three today, gang. You want to know why? Abby's a fool. She's an idiot. She's beautiful, but she's so stupid.

You beautiful idiot. Such a beautiful idiot. Big golden retriever energy. Why? Um, I was cooking this morning and I put a pot in the or a pan in the oven to do like a baked ziti thing. It was in the oven for about 10 minutes. Then I got oven mitts and I took it out of the oven and I was stirring the stuff around. And then I was serving myself without oven mitts and was like, oh, I need to pan and then i grabbed the handle i grabbed the handle with my hand with my right hand the hand i do stuff with i have done that before

and it is the fucking worst i'm so sorry is it like all blistered? It is all blistered. It is bright red. It hurts so badly. So I've just been, A, drinking beer to numb my senses. And holding a nice and cold beer. And holding a nice cold beer can right against those blisters. It feels great. That's exactly what you got to do. That's the cure. Yeah, it's keeping me sane. Also, if you have any aloe at all that we do have an aloe plant yeah we have an aloe plant and steven snapped me off one of those bad boys and i've also been squeezing it all over my hand for hours you should snap one off and like put it in the fridge or the freezer for 10 minutes. Oh, so it's cold. That's smart. That's smart. I'll do that later.

I'm so sorry. I've done that before and it hurts so badly. It hurts so bad. Oh, I'm sorry. But it's okay. I'm feeling really good right now. You are not the lucky one today. Not the lucky one today.

Kelsey, because this is an audio medium and you can't see her. Kelsey is wearing a adorable hat glasses combo thing with a rainbow with a pot of gold crowning her beautiful blonde head and a pair of glasses with the word lucky on them. I was so prepared. I bought a bunch of St. Paddy's Day like party stuff for 2020 back before the pandemic was a thing. And I was planning on having like a big St. Paddy's Day bash. And I have not had that bash. We have not done it. So I still have these things in my closet. And today I decided to break them out. I'm really glad.

I'm so glad you found the opportunity to wear it. It fills my heart with joy to see you in it. It's fun. I love that stuff. I'll post a photo to our Instagram if you want to see. Yeah, absolutely. I also have my beer. This is my first beer. But I also have a shot of whiskey, of course.

Naturally, of course. Happy early St. Patrick's Day, everybody. Happy St. Patty's Day. Yeah, when this comes out, it will be the 15th. So we hope you are celebrating with lots of great Irish fairy tales and whatever other, you know, Irish themed things you like to do. Absolutely. A good old Irish slammer. Yes.

Celebrating with Irish slammers. That's what I like. Oh, and lots of corned beef and cabbage. Oh, my gosh. Just one of the best meals. And I still only make it once a year i need to i need to get on that make it more than once special i'm just not a huge like slow cooker person and that's one of those things it takes all day yeah i like very few things actually in the slow cooker and and like a beef stew is one of those things i feel like it melds the flavors really well but but

most of the time i don't like i don't like slow cooker meat. Yeah. Makes it soft and flavorless. I don't know. This is... That's good stuff. I do love a beef stew this time of year. You do love a good ziti. I love a good ziti. Well, not anymore. Now I'm angry and I've got a giant blister on my finger that only the cold, cold beer can ever makes me feel better. Okay. I have a question, though. Why were you baking? I guess it's later over on the East Coast, but it's still pretty early in the day.

Were you making like a dinner dish for breakfast? Yeah. Stephen and I aren't really like breakfast food people. Yeah. And we get like a meal kit service. And so that was one of the meals that we had left over for this week was a baked ziti dish thing. So I was just making that because neither of us are really like egg people or breakfast food people. I don't get that.

I love eggs. It's not super common. And breakfast food is still good. I just also really felt more like a pasta. I like it. Thank you. Do what you want. Yes.

It's just food and honestly dinner stuff is better earlier in the day than later in the day because it's so heavy what's so heavy about like dinner foods is that it helps you fall asleep later you're so full and you're like okay i'm done with the day i'm not planning on getting any work done after this. Done. I got that. Makes a lot of sense. Unless it's pasta. Isn't it? Aren't like the carbohydrates and pasta supposed to give you all this energy?

Well, yeah. Energy that you're supposed to use. When I was in field hockey, we used to have spaghetti nights like the night before a big match. Makes sense. Which didn't really make any sense to me as a kid because it was like here we are eating a bunch of pasta and like the next day we're all tired because we were hanging out and partying so it actually ended up being kind of a wash

i think it was more of a team bonding kind of thing but it was fun you're probably right i was also uh super hungry this morning because i came home yesterday and i slept for like 13 hours so i didn't actually eat dinner so i woke up when i wanted like a super super heavy uh pasta pasta dinner but i'm i'm super excited about like so like i i i think i may have mentioned on the pod before and i am pretty sure I've mentioned to you earlier, but I've like I've got this congenital heart issue in my family that we've been investigating. And I wore a halter for a whole day a couple weeks ago. It's like a heart monitor. Yeah.

Type thing. And so yesterday was my appointment to actually go find out like how the old ticker is doing yeah and i must have been more stressed out about it than i realized because the uh genetic counselor told me that everything went great and that my heart is 100 totally fine and i had been convincing myself that like every single every single flutter of my heart was a sign of like an arrhythmia or an irregular beat I had convinced myself that like my that my heart was all messed up yeah and she told me that it was actually 100% fine and everything I'd been experiencing was totally normal and she just she said that it's actually not uncommon for people that discovered that they

had that there's like a family heart concern to develop something that she called cardiac awareness or something yeah which is all of a sudden like because like most of the time your heart beats your brain sort of relegates that to background white noise so you don't really notice it in the same way you don't really think too much about your breathing or don't really think too much about the fact that you have like have skin. But if you if you are like aware that there might be an issue with your heart, suddenly your brain starts devoting a lot more attention to monitoring that. And so so everything I've been feeling is actually totally normal. It was really relieving. I'm fine, which is great. But I don't think I realized how stressed out I was about it because I didn't think I was stressed out until I got home and just laid down on the couch and collapsed

like I just fell asleep and did not and did not wake up again for like 13 hours geez well that's good I'm glad you got some rest I'm glad everything's fine me. That's scary stuff. Anything going to the doctor wise is like terrifying. So I think you were absolutely within your rights to be feeling stressed out because that's – I remember the first time I had like a real doctor appointment and she was like, you need to come in for a blood test. And I put it off for like, I'm not kidding you, a whole year because I just, I believe it. So I did not want to find out I have cancer or something like when I die, I just want it to be like really fast and I don't see it coming. A total surprise would be the best. I want it to be something kind of weird where people are like,

yeah, did you hear Kelsey died? And everybody's like, oh, no, that's so sad. I'm so sorry. And then they're like, but did you hear how? Like I got impaled by an icicle or. Like you had like a final destination style death. Yes. Just something kind of wild. I definitely didn't see it coming.

I do not like I do not want to go to the doctor and find out something's wrong with me. That kind of anxiety would just... Yeah. So I do not blame you even a little. Immense, immense relief. So, so much. And a 13-hour nap. And a 13-hour nap.

You told me about this, but I feel like it was a few years ago, and you hadn't decided if you wanted to like go in or something. Oh, because I too procrastinated for two years before I actually started looking into it. Because I'm like, I'm like you, I do I do want like, I would love it if death was was a was a surprise that I didn't that I don't actually experience. But as soon as it became clear to me that that's like an actual possibility with this condition, and it's a preventable possibility, if you know about it, yeah, it's like I don't actually want to like surprise die. Yeah, yeah. Just go to the doctor. It's always the best call. Yep just go to the doctor it's always the best call yep go to the doctor if you

if you can get tested i'm also i'm living in one of like the the two cities in the world where there's actually like a specialized clinic for exactly this thing oh that's so cool so is that where you went it would have been stupid not to go yeah Yeah. It's, it's John Hopkins has a, um, has like a whole clinic that's devoted to studying this, this condition. Um, so it would have been stupid not to do it, but I did procrastinate for two whole, for two whole years. So I'm just, I'm, I'm relieved. It's, it's not so bad.

Like if I, if it turned out, I did have it. Like a lot of my, a lot of, like I said, a lot of my family members do. And now that we know about it as a family, I think we're all, we we're all managing it really well and everybody's been really on top of it and is doing great absolutely but i was still super nervous so i am i'm great today i'm having a wonderful day good minus the minus the hand thing minus the hand thing. Minus that. Yeah. Yikes. Just keep drinking those beers. I'm just going to keep numbing the pain. It's Saturday. It's Saturday.

We're doing our St. Patrick's Day episode. It's perfect. Did you have anything you wanted to talk about or feel relief over or just talk about in general? Or do we want to dive into our stories today? I think we should just dive into our stories. I don't have anything super exciting going on other than like, it's been really nice outside. I have been outside running and like enjoying feeling like a wood nymph running through the park and seeing lots of wildlife, which has been really exciting. And all the little like flowers that are starting to bloom. It's just gorgeous outside.

So that sounds wonderful. That's what I'm spending all of my free time doing. Perfect. That's good. Go out and soak up all that vitamin D and run outside like a fleet, beautiful wood goddess. Yeah. Just running through the park, pretending I'm a wood nymph. I love that for you. That sounds amazing.

And also sort of fitting today because today I think we're continuing our March theme of Irish fairy tales. Yes. I'm so excited. I actually finally got an Irish fairy tale book. Hell yeah, that I'm going to read from. Perfect. What what fairy tale book? I got the same one you have a treasury of Irish fairy and folk tales. I really wanted to go out to a local bookstore and find like an like you know find one from a local bookstore I guess but I do not have a lot of those in my town I have to drive far away to small cities in order to find like local bookstores so I got this at good old Barnes and Noble oh Barnes and Noble book mecca

yeah the place that really kind of carries a little bit of everything and can be relied upon all the time. Yep. So I am stoked to have it. It's also just a gorgeous book. And as always, if you want to check out the books that we are reading from, we always post the link in our show notes. But hey, also feel free to email us or DM us on Instagram or Twitter or Facebook or whatever social media platform you prefer. Yeah, we are happy to send you the links directly because we we love these books. And 100% well, we're happy to share the info that we have with you. Yeah, happy to like like and yeah absolutely happy to happy to help you source interesting interesting fairy tale books all right and i think it's my turn to go first you get to go first today i'm okay a little i'm really excited to find to to to do this with our

with our with our irish fairy tale books uh because they can be quite challenging to read because they're written in such a Irish conversational style. So I'm excited that you're going first. Read me a story. Okay. I'm going to pick from the last half of this and I want you to tell me when to stop. Oh, okay. Fun. Here I go. Stop. It's a promising guess uh we landed on a section called the devil yes which is very exciting i probably shouldn't have told you that no because we both get to make guesses i get all the same information you do okay this is from a treasury of irish bar and folk tales and it is in a very irish

dialect the demon cat oh by lady wilde which also sounds very promising the demon cat leads our protagonist into hell that is my prediction for prediction one. Whoa, I love it. Prediction two, the deal with the devil that is inevitably going to be made, the devil lejouzes. Okay, I love it. And prediction number three, the cat dies. Okay. I am also going to make some predictions since I have never read this story. My prediction is that, okay, there's going to be a talking cat. Mm-hmm. Great.

I believe that this cat, the demon cat, probably tricks the owners into thinking it's a regular cat. I hope that's true. That sounds funny. And I predict that. I mean, I don't want to go all Nury Murray here, but I predict that somebody is going to really hate this cat and want this cat dead. That isn't one of the owners. So prediction number three, somebody wants his cat dead. Perfect. Oh, it's probably not even a demon cat at all.

They probably just say that. That's not my official prediction, but. No, but kind of like that story, the witch that we read a few months ago, where it's like, was she a witch or was she just some old woman that lived in the woods that everybody hated? Oh, the old woman in the wood. I love that story. Okay. The Demon Cat by Lady Wild. There was a woman in Connemara, the wife of a fisherman.

As he had always had good luck, she had plenty of fish at all times, stored away in the house, ready for market. Nice. Good for her. But to her great annoyance, she found that a great cat used to come in at night and devour all of the best and finest fish. So, she kept a big stick by her, determined to watch.

One day, as she and a woman were spinning together, the house suddenly became quite dark, and the door was burst open as if by the blast of a tempest, when in walked in a huge black cat who went straight up to the fire, then turned around and growled at them. Oh, my God. Wait, how big a cat do you think? Like, panther-sized? It says a huge black cat. I'm going to guess it's just a regular like Maine Coon sized cat.

Okay. Like big, but not gigantic. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Not like a big, large predator cat. I still wanted to go with my unofficial prediction that somebody just thinks it's the devil and it's not. It's just a regular cat.

just thinks it's the devil and it's not it's just a regular cat why surely this is the devil said a young girl who was by sorting fish i'll teach you how to call me names said the cat yes it's talking and jumping at her scratched her arm until the blood came damn there now he said you will be more civil another time when a gentleman comes to see you and with that the cat walked over to the door and shut it close what the fuck to prevent any of them going out for the poor young girl while crying loudly from fright and pain had made a desperate rush to get away just then a man was going by and hearing the cries he pushed open the door and tried to get in but the cat stood on the threshold and would let no one pass on this the man attacked him with a stick and gave him a sound blow the cat however was more than a match in the fight for it flew at him and tore his face

and hands so badly that the man at last took to his heels and ran away as fast as he could now it's time for my dinner, said the cat, going up to examine the fish that was laid out on the tables. I hope this fish is good today. Now don't disturb me or make a fuss. I can help myself. And with that, he jumped up and began to devour all of the best fish while he growled at the woman.

So let me get the story straight, the story so far. Women minding their business.-huh yeah a cat comes yep one woman says what the fuck cat get out of here the cat scratches her and tells her to mind her manners and then beats up a guy that comes by and then decides to start eating their fish maybe Maybe this cat really is the devil. Probably. Away out of this, you wicked beast, the young woman cried, giving it a blow with one of the tongs that would have broken its back, only it was a devil. Out of this, no fish you shall have today. But the cat only grinned at her and went on tearing and spoiling and devouring the fish,

evidently not a bit the worse for the blow. On this, both of the women attacked it with sticks and struck hard blows enough to kill it, on which the cat glared at them and spit fire. Then, making a leap, it tore their heads and arms till the blood came and frightened women rushed shrieking from the house. Wow. It took a violent turn i'm starting to think this cat really is the devil i think yes no this cat definitely is a demon it says so right there

in the title but like more demony than most cats are in general anyway, as just the animals that they are. Spitting fire is definitely a demonic trait, I think. I think that's pretty badass. Yeah. No one's mistaking this cat for a demonic creature. But presently, the mistress returned carrying with her a bottle of holy water. And looking in, she saw the cat still devouring the fish and not minding so she crept over quietly and threw holy water on it without a word

no sooner was this done than a dense of black smoke filled the place through which nothing could be seen but the two red eyes of the cat burning like coals of fire then the smoke gradually cleared away and she saw the body of the creature burning slowly till it became shriveled and black like a cinder and finally disappeared and from that time the fish remained untouched and safe from harm for the power of the evil one was broken and the demon cat was seen no more the end bummer. That took a very violent turn that I wasn't expecting. Surprisingly violent, completely random of just random demon cat enters fish wife hut. You got a point.

The cat died. The cat did die. Yes. Point for me. Point for you. It was a talking cat. Yep. Two points for me. My third prediction it was a talking cat yep uh two points for me my third my third prediction

was somebody wants this cat dead yes yes good good call good call on that one that was very true okay so two for you one for me fixes for this story is um why is why why yeah the story was a little bit nothing yeah why is the cat here also wanted fish I guess yeah which is kind of okay I

am a little disappointed that I didn't get my cat leads unsuspecting women into hell story that I was hoping for that would have been super fun I like that idea a lot me too do you cat leads unsuspecting women into hell story that I was hoping for. That would have been super fun. I like that idea a lot. Me too.

Do you have a fix for it? Yeah. Just that there was more to the story. It was, it was just a little nothing. It was fun. A little violent. It's good times.

Oh, all right. Let me read you this next one. Okay. We're going to switch it from the devil and I'm going to pick one from the front of the book, hopefully. Are you ready? I am. Okay. Tell me when to stop. Stop.

This story is called The Dark Horseman. Ooh, I'm so excited already. Can you give me a hint about which section it's from? Yeah, it's from, I don't know if this is really going to help, but it's from Popular Notions Considering the Seed Race. S-I-D-H-E. Oh, the she, yeah, which is like a... The she race? I think it's Gaelic for fairies. Okay. The Dark Horseman.

it's Gaelic for fairies. Okay. The dark horseman. Uh, my first prediction is that the dark horseman convinces someone's youngest daughter to get on his horse with him. I love that. The dark horseman is from, uh,

the land, the land of fairy. So a, a different, it's a different plane of existence to ours perfect and the dark horseman does have his head i love it i'm going to predict that there is a race in this story a race perfect love it i'm going to predict that the dark horseman does not have a happy ending okay and lastly i'm going to predict that the protagonist falls in love at the end

oh cute okay love it without further ado the dark horseman perfect this let's go one day a fine handsome young fellow called jemmy nolan set off to walk to the fair at slain whither some cattle of his had been sent off for that sale the same early morning and he was dressed in his best clothes spruce and neat not one in all the county round could equal jimmy nolan for height strengths or good looks okay jimmy is quite a guy i love that everyone in very in irish fairy tales has names i know that we talk about that all the time but i just yeah i love that too and i love this part he went along, quite gay and merry in himself, until he came to a lonely bit of road where never a soul was to be seen. But just then, the sky became black dark, as if thunder were in the air, and suddenly he heard the tramp of a horse behind him.

Yes. On turning round, he saw a very dark, elegant-looking gentleman mounted on a black horse riding swiftly towards him. Jemmy Nolan, said the dark horseman, I have been looking for you all along the road. Get up now, quickly behind me, and I'll carry you in no time to the great fair of Slane. For indeed, I am going there myself, and it would be very pleasant to have your company. I'm going there myself and it would be very pleasant to have your company. I should have predicted that he got someone to get on his horse with him, not... You should have. Besides, it sounds like Jemmy's a very fine fellow and it says right in the text that he is quite gay.

That is exactly what I'm imagining. Is this dark horse been flirting with jemmy 100 i love it so much thank your honor kindly said jemmy but it's not for the likes of me to ride with your lordship so i would rather walk if it's pleasing to your honor but thanks all the same handsome and polite what a catch truth to tell jemmy in his own mind had a fear of the strange gentleman and his black horse and distrusted them both for he had not heard the people tell strange stories of how young men have been carried off by the fairies and held prisoners by their enchantments down deep in the heart of the hill under the earth where never a mortal could see them again or know their fate and they were only allowed to come up and see their kindred on nights the dead walked and even then they walked with them as they rose

from the graves so again he began to make, but meanwhile kept looking around for some path which he could escape if possible. Come now, said the dark horseman. This is all nonsense. Jemmy Nolan, you must really come with me. You see, now I feel bad for Jemmy. I know. This is not a good scenario. No, he's following his gut.

He's been told not to get in the car with strangers. Yep. And this guy is pushing him. Mm-hmm. And with that, the dark horseman stooped down and touched him lightly on the shoulder with his whip. And in an instant, Jimmy found himself seated on the horse and galloping away like the wind with the dark horseman. And they never stopped nor stayed until they came to a great castle in a wood where a whole set of servants in green and gold

were waiting on the steps to receive them. And they were all the smallest people Jemmy had ever seen in his life, but he made no remark for they were very civil and crowded round to know what they could do for him. Hmm. Interesting. Has he swept Jemmy away to be his bride because he definitely has i love it

take him into a room and let him dress said the gentleman who appeared to own the castle so this is like a new oh no no so this is still the dark horseman who owns the castle and in the room jemmy found a beautiful suit of velvet and a cap and a feather. And when the little servants had dressed him, they led him to a large hall that was all lit up with garlands of flowers and music and dancing were going on. And many lovely ladies were present,

but not one in the hall was handsomer than Jemmy Nolan in his velvet suit and cap and feather. Oh my God. That's cute. Oh. Will you dance with me jemmy nolan said one lovely lady no jemmy you must dance with me said another and they all fought for him so he danced with them all one after the other and the whole night through till he was dead tired and longed to lie down and sleep take j Jemmy Nolan to his room and put him to bed, said the gentleman to a red-haired man, but first he must tell me a story. I have no story,

your honor, said Jemmy, for I am not book-learned, but I am very tired. Let me lie down and sleep. Sleep indeed, said the gentleman. Not if I can help it. Here, Dav davy and he called to the red-haired man again take jemmy nolan and put him out he can tell no story i will have no one here who can't tell me a story put him out he's not worth his supper oh geez wow okay it's taking so many turns i mean you're the one that kidnapped him dude yeah what are you doing asking him for favors when you straight up kidnapped the guy? So the red haired man thrust Jemmy out the castle gate and he was just settling himself to sleep on a bench outside when three men came by bearing a coffin. Oh, ho, Jemmy Nolan, they said. You are welcome. We just wanted a fourth man to carry the coffin. And they made him get under it with them.

And they marched away over a hedge and ditch and field and bog and through briars and thorns till they reached the old churchyard in the valley. And then they stopped. Who will dig a grave, said one. Let us draw lots, said another. And the lot fell on poor Jimmy. Jimmy, you should have just told the guy a story. Any story. Tell him a story about your cows.

Well, at least he's not stuck with the fairies yet. Wouldn't you rather be? Like, I mean, just like hot people and dancing every night. And then you just tell the other guy a story and then you get to go to bed? That's not what Jemmy wanted. Jemmy just wanted to go home. Jemmy's a fool. So anyway,

they gave him a spade and he worked and worked until the grave was dug broad and deep. This is not the right place at all for a grave, said the leader of the party when the grave was finished. I'll have no one buried in this spot for the bones of my father rest here.

You couldn't have said that before? So they had to take the coffin up again and carry it on over a field and a bog till they reached another church ward where Jemmy was obliged to dig a second grave. And when it was finished, the leader cried

out, who shall we place in the coffin and another voice answered we need draw no lots let jemmy nolan stay in the coffin and the men seized hold of him and tried to cast him into the ground but jemmy was strong and powerful and fought them all still they would not let go of their hold though he dealt them such blows as it would have killed any other men and at last he felt faint for he had no weapon to fight with and his strength was going oh jemmy boy twist and turns what did he do to deserve this this sounds like a bad dream. Yeah, seriously. When Jemmy saw that the leader carried a hazel switch in his hand, he knew that a hazel switch brought luck.

So he made a sudden spring and seized it and rolled it three times around his head and struck right and left as an assailant. When a strange and wondrous thing happened,

for the three men who were ready to kill him fell down at once to the ground or remained there still as the dead. And the coffin stood white in the moonlight by itself and no hand touched it. And no voice spoke, but Jemmy never waited to look or think for the fear of men was on him. Lest they would rise up again.

So he fled away, still holding the hazel twig in his hand and ran over the field and bog through briars and thorns till he found himself again at the castle gate. Then all of the grand servants came out and the little men and they said, you are welcome, Jimmy Nolan. Come in. His lordship is waiting for you. And they brought him to a room where the Lord was lying on a velvet couch. And he said, now young man man tell me a story for no one in my castle is allowed to eat drink or sleep until they have related something

wonderful that has happened to them oh god i can just imagine that it's this gentleman that's just like waiting for him and he's lying he's lying very suggestively on his couch like he's got one hand under his cheek he's kind of looking up at Jemmy through his lashes, just kind of like, have you had enough punishment outside yet? I just wanted you to tell me a sexy story and or slash sleep with me. Then my Lord said, Jemmy, I can tell you the most wonderful of stories and very proud I am able to amuse your Lordship. So he told him the story of the three men in the coffin. And the Lord was so pleased that he ordered the servants to bring the youth a fine supper and the best of wine. And Jemmy ate like a prince from gold dishes and drank from crystal cups of the wine. Don't drink the wine.

Oh, no. And had the best of everything. And had the best of everything. But after the supper, he felt rather queer and dazed-like. Yeah, I bet he felt queer. And fell down on the ground asleep like one dead. He's tired. He had a big day.

He did have a really long day. And I do kind of like the implication that it's like, oh, you don't have any stories for me? Well, then I'm going to make you go have an adventure so that you have something to report back about. I am imagining Dennis O'Hare. The actor Dennis O'Hare is the Lord, is the Dark Horseman. That's funny. I like it. And now I want to imagine Zachary Quinto as uh as uh jemmy handsome i like that so handsome super handsome good choice probably super strong i don't know oh okay he could pick me up

probably all right so jemmy ate all of the fairy wine and all of the fairy food, which you don't actually know for sure if that's what it is yet. But he is completely asleep just on the ground right after supper. in his own field and all his beautiful clothes were gone and the velvet suit and cap and feather that he had looked so handsome in at the dance when all the fine ladies fell in love with him nothing was left to him of all the night's adventure save the hazel twig which he still held firmly in his hand and a very sad and downhearted man was jimmy nolan that day especially when the herd came to tell him that none of his cattle were sold at the fair Oh no, poor Jemmy. never yet made out why the fairies played him such a malicious and ill turn as to prevent him from selling his cattle but if ever again he meets that dark stranger on the black horse he is determined to try the strength of his shalala on his head and shalala is a club were he ever such a grand man among the fairies for at least he might have left him with a velvet suit and it was a

shabby thing to take it away when he just couldn't help himself and fallen down from fair weakness and exhaustion after all the dancing and all of the wine he drank at supper when the lovely ladies poured it out for him with their little hands covered with jewels it was truly a bad and shabby trick as jimmy said to himself that may morning when he stood up from under the haystack and just shows us to never trust the fairies. For with all of their sweet words and pleasant ways and bright red wine, they are full of malice and envy and deceit. And they are always ready to ruin a poor fellow and then laugh at him just for fun and for the spite and jealousy they have against the human race. The end. Jemmy was real mad.

He really wanted to keep that suit. Salty. Which is the best reason to pull a trick on someone ever. Oh, my gosh. He's just going to stay real mad about it for the rest of his life. You got two points. The dark horseman did have a head and the dark horseman was from the land of the fairies.

Perfect. So good job. Good job me. And I got zero points for that one. That was a real softball, though, that he would have had. That's okay. I'll allow it. Thanks.

Oh, my gosh. That was very fun. That was very fun. That's everything that I love about Irish fairy tales is they're very conversational. And the protagonists always have names so it kind of sounds like it happened to your neighbor uh-huh and and the end of the story is just like the usual sort of like anticlimactic and then he was returned home and and he was physically kind of fine but also the fairy is just fucking messed with him for no reason. Do you have any fixes?

No. I think that was pretty great. Exactly as it was. That was very funny. Yep. I love Irish fairies. They are just the best. Do you have any fixes for that one?

I don't know. I feel like the dark horseman at least could have boned him. Fair. He was feeling pretty left out. He could at least have gotten banged out of it, you know? Agreed. Okay, that's the fix. I guess he does have some stories now. He's got

some great stories now. You know what? I bet that's why the fairies attacked him. I bet that's why they picked him attacked him i bet that's why they picked him i'm just like he's living a life that was way too boring this guy's life has been way too smooth sailing he has no stories about himself um we will give him one out of the kindness of our hearts i really do love the idea of uh the lord the Dark Horseman being played by Dennis O'Hare because he's just so flamboyant and hilarious. And he plays like a chaotic evil so well. Absolutely. He's like handsome and funny and sinister. And it would just work out really well. I think if you are unfamiliar with Dennis O'Hare, he is an incredible actor. He's on some seasons of true blood and he is also in some seasons of

American horror story. Excellent. It is my turn. So exciting. I slew, I slowed down on my beer because I wanted to be able to read in a sensible way. I struggled through that.

So I am excited to be sipping on my whiskey while you tell me a story now. Yeah, just sit back and enjoy. I hope I find something just equally fun and wacky and a perfect Irish fairy tale in here. So I'm reading from Fairy and Folk Tales of Ireland edited by W.B. Yeats, who I don't know why I said who. I don't actually know anything about him. Our boy.

We've actually read from him a couple of times through the Pittsburgh.edu site. Right. That's right. OK, so we've definitely featured some of his collection on our podcast before.

My mom bought me this book. So once again, thank you, mom. I love you so much. You're so beautiful. And I'm going to read a selection from this one today. So Kelsey, I'm just going to flip pages. Stop me when you want. Stop. So it's this is from the leprechaun section of the book. So excited. And so just to kind of like read through some of the stuff about what leprechauns are according to the book um the name leprechaun is from the irish laith brogue uh or the one shoemaker since he is generally seen working at a single shoe the leprechaun makes shoes continually and has grown very rich.

There's also a variety of leprechaun called a redcap who busies himself with practical joking, especially with gruesome joking. And that's literally all he does, according to the book. Well, I love that. In every other respect, no two Irish writers agree about what leprechauns

have in common uh some say they are withered old and solitary in every way unalike the sociable spirits of other writers and they dress with all unfairy homeliness and are indeed both most sluttish slouching jeering and mischievous phantoms slutty mischievous phantoms that's such a good description that is forever going to be what i associate with leprechauns beautiful okay i've never heard of leprechauns making like a lot of shoes yeah um that's kind of a new one for me too but that is what the book says that's cool and i'm going to tell the shorter one of the of the two leprechaun stories that are in this section because perfect yeah so this one is called far darrag in donegal by miss leticia mcclintock

perfect i am going to predict the leprechaun is going to steal someone's shoes that's cute in this one i i think that this is going to be a gruesome leprechaun tale so he is a red cap this is going to be a red cap sort of situation the leprechaun is trying to get rich and fails and fails okay i'm gonna guess that it's a tricky leprechaun um that's pulling pranks the leprechaun promises to make somebody else rich okay i love that that's fun although i think it's a lie that's not part of the prediction but unofficially you gotta keep it vague and i also predict that everyone in the story has a name i love that prediction that's so good and probably so true but we will see the one in the last story i read didn't it was just jerry uh jemmy nolan who

had the name yeah well the the people tend to have names and the fairies don't as often except except occasionally like i remember the fairy in um one of the stories you read uh yeah had a name i'm gonna guess in this one everybody has the name okay so this is farderig and donagall pat diver the tinker was a man well accustomed to a wandering life and to strange shelters he had shared the beggar's blanket in many smoky cabins he had crouched beside the still in many a nook and corner where poteen was made on the wild Inishowen mountains. He had even slept on the bare heather or on the ditch with no roof over him but the vault of heaven. Yet were all his nights of adventure tame and commonplace when compared with one special night.

So exciting. so exciting during the day preceding that night he had mended all the kettles and saucepans in moville and green castle and was on his way to kuldef when night overtook him on a lonely mountain road he knocked at one door after another asking for a night's lodging while he jingled the halfpence in his pocket, but was everywhere refused. Where was the boasted hospitality of Inishowen, where he had never before been known to fail? It was of no use to be able to pay when the people seemed so churlish. Thus thinking, he made his way toward a light a little further on and knocked at another cabin door.

An old man and woman were seated at each side of the fire. Will you be pleased to give me a night's lodging, sir? Asked Pat respectfully. Ooh, I like this. Kind of a throwback to the story you told. Can you tell a story? Returned the old man. Oh, I love that.

Ooh, fairies love stories. Uh-huh, yeah, they do. No, then, sir. I canna say I'm good at storytelling, replied the puzzled tinker. That is the wrong answer. Wrong answer. Incorrect. Incorrect, Pat. If a stranger asks you for a story, that's a fairy, and they're going to fuck with you if you don't have one.

Yeah. Just tell a story. It doesn a fairy and they're going to fuck with you if you don't have one. Yeah, just tell a story. It doesn't matter if it's not great. Gotta be prepared. I don't know what this sentence is. Read it. I want to hear it. Okay. Then Yaman

just gang further. I'm pretty sure he means you're going to have to keep going then because the next part of the sentence is for none but them that can tell a story we'll get in here oh my gosh this is a theme today yeah we've got we're on a theme I love it and also I love that the theme of today is always have a story prepped gang yep always absolutely I want to have the one about the toad yes just have the guy's face just like the ungrateful bridegroom on deck oh my god i've got the i've got the

unbride i've got the ungrateful son on deck for the rest of my life if someone ever wants to hear a story it was so fucking good okay so good that was. That was our last Patreon episode, by the way, y'all go sign up for that. This reply was made in so decided a tone that Pat did not attempt to repeat his appeal, but turned away reluctantly to resume his weary journey. A story indeed, muttered he and wives fables to please the wee ones. As he took up his bundle of tinkering implements he observed a barn standing rather

behind the dwelling house and aided by the rising moon he made his way towards it which oh my god pat you're so stupid yeah that guy said the guy said no you can't stay here unless you've got a good story the barn is on their property, bro. But he's tired. He is tired. We all make mistakes when we're tired. Can't judge Pat too much. That's a fact.

That's a true fact. It was a clean ruby barn with a piled up heap of straw in one corner. And here was a shelter not to be despised. So Pat crept under the straw and was soon asleep. He could not have slept very long when he was awakened by the tramp of feet and peeping cautiously through a crevice in his straw covering, he saw four immensely tall men enter the barn

dragging a body, which they threw roughly upon the floor. Now he's got a story. Yes. Oh my god, do you think he's going to listen? He he's gonna watch what happens now and then he's gonna go back to the original house and be like okay i got a story the next lit a fire in the middle of the barn and fastened the corpse by the feet with a great rope to the

beam in the roof one of them i know this is so gruesome. You were right about that part. I was. One of them began to turn it slowly before the fire. Come on, said he, addressing a gigantic fellow, the tallest of the four. I'm tired. You take your turn. For truth, I'll no turn him, replied the big man. There's Pat Diver under the straw.

Why won't he take his turn? Called out. Called out. They know he's here. With hideous clamor, the four men called the wretched Pat, who seeing there was no escape, thought it was his wisest plan to come forth as he was bidden. Now, Pat, said they they you'll turn the corpse,

but if you let him burn, you'll be tied up there and roasted in his place. Oh my God. Jesus. Yeah. You should have had a story, buddy. Should have had a story.

Any story. Think of any story you've ever been told and pop it out. This is actually probably an admonition or I'm taking it as an admonition against living a boring life have a story ready for the fairies fans pat's hair stood on end and the cold perspiration poured from his forehead but there was nothing for it but to perform his dreadful task seeing him fairly embarked in it the tall tall men went away. Soon, however, the flames rose so high as to singe the rope, and the corpse fell with a great thud upon the fire, scattering the ashes and embers, and extracting a howl of anguish from the miserable cook who rushed to the door and ran for his life. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.

What is going on here? I'm so excited to find out. I have no idea. He ran on until he was ready to drop with fatigue. When seeing a drain overgrown with tall rank grass, he thought he would creep in there and lie hidden till morning. But he was not many minutes in the drain before he heard the heavy tramping again and the four men came up with their burden,

which they laid down now on the edge of the drain i'm tired said one to the giant it's your turn to carry him a piece now fey and trofell no carry him replied he but there's pat diver in the drain wouldn't he come out and take his turn come out-hmm. Come out, Pat. Come out, roared all the men, and Pat, almost dead with fright, crept out. He's just trying to do his job, guys. He staggered on under the weight of the corpse until he reached Killtown Abbey, a ruin festooned with ivy,

where the brown owl hooted all night long and the forgotten dead slept around the walls under dense matted tangles of brambles and benweed no one ever buried there now but pat's tall companions turned into the wild graveyard and began digging a grave this is awfully like your story uh-huh pat seeing them thus engaged thought he might once more try to escape and climbed up into a hawthorn tree in the fence, hoping to be hidden in the boughs. I'm tired, said the man who was digging the grave. Here, take the spade, addressing the big man. It's your turn.

It's not my turn, replied he, as before. There's Pat Diver in the tree. I love how they just keep calling him out there he is Pat come here and take your turn I like how they just know who he is too and they're like hey dude do some work just do a little work around here Patty boy this is your punishment for not knowing a story true enough so uh Pat once again is resigned to his fate comes down to take the spade but just then the cocks and the just then the roosters and the little farmyards and cabins around the abbey began to crow and the men looked at one another we must go said they and well it is for you pat diver that the roosters crowed for had not, you'd just have been bundled up into that grave with the corpse.

Wow. Why? What the fuck? I don't know. Have a good story. Damn. Two months passed and Pat had wandered far and wide over the county Donegal when he chanced to arrive at Raffo during a fair. over the county Donegal when he chanced to arrive at Raffo during a fair.

Among the crowd that filled the diamond, he came suddenly on the giant man. How are you, Pat Diver, said he, bending down to look into the tinker's face. You've the advantage of me, sir, for I haven't the pleasure of knowing you, faltered Pat. Do you not know me, Pat? He whispered. When you go back to Inishowen, you'll have a story to tell. The end. Amazing. Oh my gosh, that's so weird that we came upon two of those stories. I know. Oh my god, it's so cool. So the moral of this episode is have a story. Have a good story. Have one ready. Have one prepped. Have one on deck. Live your life in such a way that you automatically have a story

if someone says that you need one to stay there. That's hilarious. I love it so much. Me too. What a cool theme to have accidentally stumbled on for the day and what a perfect saint patty's day story it's yes two perfect saint patty's saint patty's day stories okay so were there actually any leprechauns in that story though i mean must have been i think i think the giant the giant yeah was must have been, I think, I think the giant, the giant was, must've been the leprechaun. Okay. Or the red cap.

Yeah. Something. Must have been, uh, that was so, that was so cool. I love it. And also I love that,

like, cause you know, it just, it's really thematically appropriate because you and I have a storytelling podcast and then we each got to read a story about the importance of knowing stories. I'm so happy. Yeah. What story, like if somebody, if you needed to stay the night somewhere to tell various some stories, which one would you choose? I could probably tell the paper bag princess. Nice. If someone ever asked me for a story, either that or The Deer and the Woodcutter

because I really liked that story a lot. I don't know if it's a paper bag princess. You don't? I will tell it. I will sum it up very quickly. Okay. It's one of my favorite childhood books. Can't remember the author off the top of my head,

but we can put a link in our show notes. But it's one of my favorite books for kids. I loved it growing up. It's the story of Princess Elizabeth and her fiance, Prince Ronald. And one day a dragon comes to the kingdom and burns the entire castle and kidnaps Ronald. And everything in the entire castle except for Elizabeth and one paper bag get burned. So she puts on the paper bag to go to the dragon's castle to rescue Ronald. And when she gets there, she encounters the dragon and then tricks the dragon into performing a bunch of really cool feats, like being able to fly around the world as fast as he can. And then, oh, I've heard you can burn down forests

with one breath but i don't believe it and the dragon's like believe it and then the dragon and then the dragon will burn down a whole forest with one big fiery breath and so she keeps challenging the dragon to these different feats until the dragon gets so tired he passes out and then she goes and she rescues ronald and then when she gets to the tallest tower that ronald is being kept in he looks at her in her paper bag and is all like ew come back when you're dressed like a proper princess and then you can rescue me and she goes and she's like wow all right well i just did a bunch of stuff for you and you're being a bitch about it. So you know what? You suck. I don't love you and bye forever. And then she

leaves and that's the end of the story. That's the perfect ending. I thought so too. No fixes. Oh, that's fantastic. That's hilarious. It's so good. I love that story so much. I've loved it since I was a small child. So that's one that I always sort of have at the ready. What about you? What story do you think you'd tell? Gosh, I honestly don't know. I need to go back and look at our catalog. I do really love The Ungrateful Son, though. It's a Brothers Grimm story that Abby told me in our last Patreon episode. And it is so fucking hilarious i was i was literally cry laughing i don't know how that always ends up happening on our patreon episodes they just get wild um

oh but it's so good and it's only like a paragraph yeah it's really short long and to this day i do agree i think that is one of the funniest stories that I've ever read. So good. Or the old woman in the wood is also just a classic. It's a classic. Hilarious. Random story, except I would also probably tell it with, you know, my fix. Yes. The ending. you know, my fix. Yes. Well, but that's what I think makes the stories fun and unique and original to us

is that we would tell them with how we would fix the story. Yeah. Yeah. It's a good one. Well, I think that is a pretty great note to end on. We had an absolute ball doing this today. And I hope that all of you did as well. Thank you so much for listening to Fairytale Fix. And

happy St. Paddy's Day. And happy St. Paddy's Day to us all. Go forth and enjoy and have a good time and always have a story ready to tell any strangers who may ask you for one. If you enjoyed the show, please subscribe and leave us a

review on Apple or Stitcher. Speaking of Apple Podcasts, our last review was from last april so we're entering a period of of desperation asking for reviews we're almost at the one year mark since the last time we got one please oh please someone go leave us a review we are begging you literally right at this moment do it right now um you can do that on google and apple and stitcher i'm pretty sure uh we want to we want to give a huge thanks and shout out to zach uh or coogs who left us our last review uh he wrote abby and kelsey are an absolute delight to listen to. It's no secret that this is their passion project of a podcast, and it's always a delight to listen to these two

discuss their fixes for well-known and lesser-known fairy tales. They both do well and highlight the subtle complexities of the stories they share and do a great job of coming up with thoughtful and often hilarious fixes for the modern listener of these tales. I look forward to every new episode to come. Thank you so much, Zach. Zach, we love you. We love you so much. Thank you for leaving that very thoughtful, very lovely review. And you currently have the award for our favorite listener.

If you would like to usurp Zach, you may do so by leaving us a review at any time, literally anywhere. And we will thank you and read it out on the podcast like so. Other things you can do to support us is heading over to our Patreon and signing up for one of our membership tiers. You get extra episodes, merch, books, other bonus content. And you can also find us on Twitter and Instagram at Fairytale Fix Pod. And you can mail in what story you'd tell to any stranger who asked you for one to escape a very strange fate at info at fairytalefixpod.com. And Jemmy Nolan still felt very slighted by the fairies and was very mad at them.

But he also felt a little satisfaction because he got boned by the dark horseman. Such a great fix for that story. I love it so much. Pat learned the value of just having a story freaking ready already. And he definitely had a good one from here on out. No fixes for that story. It was just perfect. And they all lived happily ever after.

The end.