Fairy Tale Fix - 40: Billy’s Too Much Fun

Episode Date: March 29, 2022

We’re finishing up our Irish celebrations with a few leprechaun stories for you! Abbie reads Master And Man, a delightful tale about two party bros with an important lesson on consent, and Kelsey reads The Leprechaun, which is actually two stories; one about getting your gold, and one about how to definitely NOT get your gold.

You are smiling so much. Yes. Why are you in such a good mood? Please tell me. Okay. The reasons are threefold, Kelsey, my friend. Let's hear it. reason number one um it's march and we're still doing more irish fairy tales and hell i love them so much me too i love so much that every single one is toll is like it's some

guy saying oh yeah my neighbor billy mcwhhis-face bumped into a ferry and had a problem and let me tell you all about it in exchange for a pint. You missed the he was super drunk. Billy McWhat's-his-face was super drunk and also Billy What's-his-face from Kelly or

from Daraball or Donegal or whatever. Very specifically. From this hill in Ireland. And you're so right. Had a few pints and then something awesome happened. And then he told me about it because he was clever enough to escape and now I'm telling you. It's pretty much the greatest.

By the way, this is Fairytale Fix. Right, yes, that. This is our podcast. I'm Abby. I'm Kelsey. And we're taking Irish fairy tales and probably not fixing them today, because honestly, what's to fix? Oh my gosh.

Okay, so our podcast is called Fairytale Fix. And so often I forget to think about a fix. So I'm going to have to get back to you on that. Okay. But why else are you so happy? Okay. The other reason is stupid. And I know it's stupid, but I love this latest run of dating shows with wacky premises. Oh, my gosh. What are you watching right now? I haven't watched it yet because I don't think it's out yet. But I was scrolling through Twitter right before we logged on to this.

And I saw that NBC has a new show called The Courtship, where apparently they just decided to take the bachelorette but make it bridgerton okay nice okay i'm so excited it's basically they take a beautiful young woman and they put her in a lot of very beautiful regency england era gowns and then they put a bunch of these handsome men in equally good looking Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy tight pants and billowing white shirts. Uh, yes.

And then they make them court the way you would have had to court during Regency era, England. Like I want to watch that. Write letters or go to chaperoned dances at fancy houses. Why haven't they thought of doing something like that before? I don't know. That has limitless possibilities because now I want to see a dating show that's got specific rules like you're aliens or you're specifically in the 1920s.

I don't know. I think that just, that's such a great idea. And also it's basically a show of watching somebody doing like live role-playing. Yes. LARPing. Except you LARP as like two aliens who have to fall in love.

Oh, or like knights. I just, I want that. I don't know why I want to watch knights flirting with each other. Me too. Oh my God. I want a gay medieval knight. I got very specific for that for some reason. That's what I want. So like it's a gay dating show, but make it Camelot. It's a gay dating show, but make it Camelot. Okay. My question is for the show that's coming out. Do you get to see them as their modern day persona after?

Like, do they do all this like fancy courtship and then it kind of shows you like, because I feel like that would also be juicy is after they LARP and fall in love. Do they keep it going once they enter the modern day? It's so messy. I love that so much. Because I feel like the answer is no. Probably not. Or they might. Or they might.

They might follow the love is blind model where, you know, you do all of the falling in love in like a, you know, quote unquote, tightly controlled experiment. And then you have to go out and live your messy lives together on camera for a few weeks after you meet. God damn. That sounds incredible. Doesn't that sound amazing? I honestly have no idea because it was just the trailer and it was just this beautiful woman in beautiful dresses talking to beautiful men. Now you need to update me immediately as soon as that hits. I will let you know if it's worth it.

I cannot wait to watch it. I am so excited to become unnaturally obsessed with it. It's probably going to get canceled after one season, but I am still overjoyed. One season's probably all you need. And then they'll continue our ideas with like the medieval knights and the aliens. And just that's a limitless possibility you just keep dipping just keep dipping back in that well absolutely fuck yeah i have been watching nothing but futurama because solid choice it is my abby knows this everyone who

knows me well knows this it is my all-time favorite comfort food show i could probably quote it like i think at least like 30 30 of the things I say in my everyday life, I'm quoting Futurama. That's true. I have to try to stop myself from doing it because a lot of times it doesn't make sense to anyone else but me. It's bad. And obviously they announced the new season of Futurama coming and John DiMaggio got, he got paid that goal, baby.

He was holding out for more money, which is the most Bender thing you could possibly do. John DiMaggio. He was just channeling his character. Absolutely. Right? Like, of course,

you know, Billy West as Fry and Katie Siegel as Llo would both be like yeah let's do it and then bender would be like holding out for more money like wait wait wait what's in it for me and i fucking love that and i'm so glad they decided to pay him and hopefully raised the uh you know salary of also billy west and katie sigel because voice actors do not get enough credit no yeah they really don't a totally random note but that is all i've been watching because i'm just so excited for more futurama i never wanted to end honestly i wanted to keep ending and then starting up again because i think that's hilarious. Like that's the best. It really is the show that just won't die,

which is so cool. Like I also, because it's also fun to watch it in different eras. Yeah. So I feel like, because like shows that go on forever, like Family Guy or The Simpsons, they honestly kind of run out of stuff to say

that's very interesting. I really like how Futurama like is forced to take breaks for like decades at a time. And then when they come back, I feel like they have some fresh material, like they've got some new ideas. And all of their seasons start in a very specific way to that era, I guess. And then it ends a specific way to that era. A lot of people say, oh, well, they ended it perfectly. They ended it perfectly every time they've ended it, in my opinion. So I'm excited to see how they do it this time. But I need something new to watch. I definitely need to move my brain. It's just such a comfort food show and I never want to stop watching it. I think I've watched it like at least three times in the last year

already, like the entire series, just because I keep going back to it because it makes me laugh nonstop. I mean, I guess not all of them. Some of the things obviously didn't age well, but yes, there are a lot of it didn't age. There are several episodes that I can think of off the top of the dome that didn't age well, but anything to do with the Martians, the native Martians is anything on Mars, like Amy's entire family.

I, although I do, I love Amy and I love Lauren, Tomuren tom i love i love the whole show anyway yes i can wax on poetic about via drama how much i love it and fry and leela have the greatest love story on television i truly love it the episode where fry has the robot devil's hands um is i think to this day one of the most like endlessly quotable and funniest pieces of television I've ever seen. Like, it's so good. I think that was their first finale.

I think that was their first, like, cancellation ending. Yeah. Oh, so good. I'm pretty sure anyway. Anyway, anyway, anyway. Oh, Futurama. I'm so, I'm also, I am likewise stoked that that is coming back for another season I can't wait um speaking of other things that we are super stoked about do you want to talk about

the other podcast we were just on yeah um so on March 23rd uh the ep an episode of one of my favorite podcasts ever but make it scary comes out and we are actually on it. We haven't recorded it yet as of this recording, but the episode we record it on, we record it in a couple of days as of our recording now, but it will come out a couple of days before this episode. So we're really excited for that. Yes. So excited. You can head on over to But Make It Scary's feed and our episode should be there. And what movie are we doing, Kelsey? What movie are we making scary? So the movie we chose was Ever After. This is somewhat of an apology to one of our listeners, Aurora, who told us a while back that we came at Ever After

so hard. And I re-listened to that episode because we did. We absolutely came after it for no reason. I think we both hadn't watched it in years. Many, many years. We were talking about that and how excited we were that it was on Disney Plus. And then we just needlessly- Ripped into Ever After for a while. and then we just like needlessly came after ever after and uh so we recently re-watched it and aurora we apologize because that movie is amazing like it is so delightful and adorable and i don't know why i didn't have like fond memories of it it is very like cheesy romantic yes i as for watching it i was remembering a little bit of what

of what i was talking about but it was so much more charming than i remembered uh angelica houston can do more within a single eyebrow than most people can do with their entire bodies uh it's beautifully shot. The costumes are gorgeous. The story is fun. Drew Barrymore is just a fucking goddess. Drew Barrymore is adorable. I absolutely love her.

So Aurora, we're also sorry we, we ruined it and made it scary or we're going to. Or did we make it even better? Yeah. So make sure to go over to bit make it scary check it out listen to all of their episodes um sequoia is hilarious there are so many fun episodes they take romantic movies and they make them scary it's so much fun it's so much fun they turn some of some of your classic favorites into a really terrifying horror film and

it's really it's a good time but we're giving it a very fairy tale fix makeover it's it's so incredibly on brand because aren't fairy tales really like if you actually read a fairy tale they are already kind of horror stories. Like, they're just a big bucket of what the fuck. That's why we love them. Indeed. Indeed. Are you ready to get into some Irish horror? Horrifying it is. So the story I am telling you today is a story that i was going to tell you last episode when we were doing the randomized readings but we we landed on it and it was too long for the amount of time we had left in the episode so i picked something else but i really wanted to redo this one because it is amazing i am super excited. It is called Master and Man. And I will give you a further hint

because I think that we already talked about this last episode. It is from the leprechaun section of Fairy and Folk Tales of Ireland. Gotta get cozy. Okay. It's March, baby, and I need to do leprechaun stories. Hell yes. Agreed. All right. I don't know a lot about leprechauns. I want to predict that there is a snide comment about a landlord in this one. Beautiful. Love that prediction. I had to pick up an Irish fairy tale for today too. And I read a lot of, I read a few different ones and all of them had snide comments about landlords and it kept making me laugh.

I'm going to guess that the protagonist does not end up with a pot of gold. Okay. No gold. No gold. No gold. And three, I want to predict that Master and Man.

I don't love that title. Mm-mm. I want to predict that the leprechaun tricks the protagonist. Tricky leprechaun. Tricky leprechaun. This is the hardest part of the show, quite honestly.un tricks the protagonist. Tricky Leprechaun. Tricky Leprechaun. This is the hardest part of the show, quite honestly. Is making the predictions.

Easy. Whose idea was it to make predictions? It was Abby's. It was mine. That's whose. I think it's fun. It is fun. It's just very hard.

My brain. Okay. Tell me a story. Okay. Master and Man. It begins in fabulous traditional Irish fashion with the town drunk. Yes. Amazing. Billy McDaniel was once as likely a young man as ever shook his brogue at a patron. I kind of want you to call him Billy McWhat's face. Billy McWhat's face.

Go on, go on. Was as likely a young man as ever shook his brogue at a patron. A patron, by the way, is apparently a type of festival held in honor of a patron saint. What's a brogue? an accent a way of talking oh okay i gotcha i think because i remember people saying irish brogue oh okay yeah that makes sense

that's what i'm gone with uh shook his brogue at a patron emptied a, fearing for nothing but the want of drink, caring for nothing but who should pay for it, and thinking of nothing but how to make fun over it. Drunk or sober, a word and a blow was ever the way with Billy McWhats's face. And a mighty easy way it is of either getting into or of ending a dispute more is the pity

that through the means of his thinking and fearing and caring for nothing this same billy mcdaniel fell into bad company for surely the good people are the worst of all company anyone could come across okay good people in this in this context meaning fairies gotcha yeah yeah you don't wanna you don't wanna mess with fairies they're bad company or great company it so happened that billy was going home one clear frosty night not long after christmas the moon was round and bright but although it was fine a night as a heart could wish for he felt pinched with cold by my word chattered billy a drop of good liquor would be no bad thing to keep a man's soul from freezing in him and i wish i had a full measure of the best never wish it twice billy said a little man in a three-cornered hat, bound all about with gold lace and with great silver buckles on his shoes, so big it was a wonder how he could carry them.

And he held out a glass as big as himself, filled with as good a liquor as any eye looked on or lip tasted. Fuck yes. Right? That is the kind of leprechaun I want to catch. Hell yes. You don't want to catch this leprechaun. Oh no, I'm scared for poor Billy. Success, my little fellow, said Billy McDaniel, nothing daunted, though well he knew the little man to belong to the good people.

Here's your health anyway, and thank you kindly, no matter who pays for the drink. And he took the glass and drained it to the very bottom without ever taking a second breath to it. Success, said the little man, and you're heartily welcome, Billy, but don't think to cheat me as you have done others. Out with your purse and pay me like a gentleman. Don't be a stingy jack. Do not be a stingy jack. Nobody will want you. Is it i pay you said billy could i not just

take you up and put you in my pocket as easy as a blackberry wow i guess wow i mean he did finish that big glass of liquor like lickety split he did he did can't he be blamed for the words to come out i mean i'm just giving him a break that's all really seems fun billy's super fun that's billy's problem billy's too fun that's the entire opening paragraph of the book is billy's too much fun. Billy McDaniel said the little man getting very angry. You shall be my servant for seven years in a day. And that is the way I will be paid. So make ready to follow me.

Woof. Right. Seven years. Seven years. That's a long time. Yeah. Yes. It's a very long time. one drink he shouldn't don't give the we folk

lip don't do it and don't be stingy jack anyway don't yes oh when billy heard this he began to be very sorry for having used such bold language towards the little man and he felt himself yet could not tell how obliged to follow him the live long night about the country up and down and over hedge and ditch and through bog and break without any rest when morning began to dawn the little man turned around to him and said you may now go home billy but on your peril don't fail to meet me in the fort field tonight, or if you do it may be the worse for you in the long run. If I find you a good servant, you will find me an indulgent master. So home went Billy McDaniel, and though he was tired and weary, never a wink of sleep could he get for thinking of the little man, but he was afraid not to do his bidding. So up he got in

the evening, and away he went to the fort field. He was not long there before the little man came towards him and said, Billy, I want to go on a journey tonight, so saddle one of my horses, and you may saddle another for yourself, as you are going to go along with me, and may be tired after your walk last night. Billy thought this very considerate of his master and thanked him accordingly but said he if i may be so bold sir i would ask which is the way to your stable for never a thing do i see but the fort here and the old thorn tree in the corner of the field and the stream running at the bottom of the hill with a bit of bog over against us it's beautiful imagery it is beautiful imagery i really like it's it's it's

it's a beautiful story ask no questions billy said the little man but go over to that bit of bog and bring me two of the strongest rushes you can find billy did accordingly wondering what the little man would be at and he picked two of the stoutest rushes he could find with a little bunch of brown blossoms stuck at the side of each and and brought them back to his master. Get up, Billy, said the little man, taking one of the rushes from him and striding across it. Where shall I get up, please, your honor, said Billy. Why, upon horseback, like me, to be sure, said the little man. Is it after making a fool of me, you'd be, said Billy, bidding me get a horse back upon that bit of rush. Maybe you want to persuade me that the rush I pulled up a while ago out of the bog over there

is a horse? Up, up, and no words, said the little man, looking very angry. The best horse you ever rode was but a fool to that rush. So Billy, thinking all this was a joke and fearing to vex his master, straddled the rush. Baram, baram, baram, cried the little man three times, which in English means to become great. And Billy did the same after him. Presently, the rushes swelled up into fine horses and away they went at full speed. But Billy, who had put the rush between his legs without minding how he did it, found himself sitting on horseback the wrong way, which was rather awkward with his face to the horse's tail.

So quickly had his steed started off with him that he had no power to turn round and was therefore nothing for it but to hold on by the tail. That's cute. At last they came to their journey's end and stopped at the gate of a fine house. Now, Billy, said the little man,

do as you see me do and follow me close. But as you did not know your horse's head from his tail, mind that your own head does not spin round until you can't tell whether you're standing on it or on your heels. For remember that old liquor, though able to make a cat speak, can make a man

dumb. Oh, interesting. I know. I love that. Uh-huh. Also, this leprechaun is savage. Yeah, he's an absolute savage. His words cut real deep.

The little man then said some queer kind of words out of which Billy could make no meaning, but he contrived to say them after him for all that. And in they both went through the keyhole of the door and through one keyhole after another until they got into the wine cellar, which was well stored with all kinds of wine. The little man fell to drinking as hard as he could, and Billy, no way disliking the example, did the same. The best of masters are you, surely, said Billy to him. No matter who is the next and well-pleased will I be with your service if you continue to give me plenty to drink. Oh, Billy. Billy, Billy, Billy.

I have made no bargain with you, said the little man, and will make none but up and follow me. And away they went through keyhole after keyhole, and each mounting upon the rush which he left at the hall door, scampered off, kicking the clouds before them like snowballs, as soon as the words Baram, Baram, Baram had passed their lips. When they came back to the fort field, the little man dismissed billy bidding him to be there the next night at the same hour because he apparently just wants a drinking buddy uh-huh yeah nice thus did they go on night after night shaping their course one night here another night there sometimes north and sometimes east and sometimes south, until there was not a gentleman's wine cellar in all Ireland they had not visited and could tell the flavor of every wine in it well.

I better than the butler himself. Oh, that's so cute. I love that they're just cute. Just drinking buddies. Yeah. He's just kind of like, oh, you sassed me. You're going to have to be my drinking buddy for seven years in a day i feel like billy would have been okay with that regardless just absolutely

you did not need to geos him to make him do it he would have been happy to come along regardless one night when billy mcdaniel met the little man as usual in the fort field and was going to the bog to fetch the horses for their journey, his master said to him, Billy, I shall want another horse tonight, for we may bring back more company than we take. Oh, that sounds sexy.

Oh, it is. So Billy, who now knew better than to question any order given to him by his master, brought a third rush, much wondering who it might be that would travel back in their company and whether he was about to have a fellow servant. If I have, thought Billy, he shall go and fetch the horses from the bog every night, for I don't see why I am not, every inch of me, as good a gentleman as my master. He gets an assistant for his, for his assistant. He's the assistant to the assistant to the regional manager.

Goddamn. That's adorable. Well, away they went to Billy leading the third horse and never stopped until they came to a snug farmer's house in the County Limerick close upon the old castle of Kara go gun ill. I'm sure i'm wrong but anyway that was built they say by the great brian barue within the house there was a great carousing going forward and the little man stopped outside for some time to listen then turning around all of

a sudden said billy i will be a thousand years old tomorrow. Whoa. God bless us, sir. Yeah. That's what I said, sort of. I mean, yeah, you pretty much had the exact same reaction as Billy, which is damn. Looking good for your age. God bless us, sir, said Billy. Will you? Don't say those words again, Billy, said the little old man, or you will be my ruin forever.

That's how I feel when people say prayers to me. Absolutely. When people say, like, I'll pray for you. God bless you. Shut up. Never say this to me. I think I just burst into flames when you said that. I am 100% a demon

and you should not say this to me. I fucking love this leprechaun. Now, Billie, as I will be a thousand years in the world tomorrow, I think it is full time for me to get married. I think so too,

without any kind of doubt at all, said Billie, if ever you mean to marry. Oh, sorry. I know. So supportive. It's just so cute. I just love their friendship.

It's really adorable. And to that purpose, said the little man, have I come all the way to Kerrigo Gunnell, for in this house, this very night, is young Darby Riley going to be married to Bridget Rooney, and she is a tall and comely girl and has come of decent people. I think of marrying her myself and taking her off with me. Hell yes. Do it. And what will Darby Riley say to that?

Said Billy. Silence. Said the little man putting on a mighty severe look. Silence, said the little man, putting on a mighty severe look. I did not bring you here with me to ask questions. And without holding further argument, he began saying the queer words which had the power of passing him through the keyhole as free as air, and which Billy thought himself mighty clever to be able to say after him. Nice. And fairytale creatures hate questions they hate them don't ask questions or ask a lot of them it's hard to tell like there are some

questions you should ask but most of the time shut up and don't go in rooms that they say don't go into. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I feel like that's debatable. That's fair. I actually, I do take that back. It's the only way you get to find out if your husband's a serial killer. Here's the key to this room. Don't go in.

Don't go in there. Don't ask questions. What am I going to do? Not go in there? Come on. In they both went for the better viewing the company. The little man perched himself up as nimbly as a cock sparrow upon one of the big beams, which went across the house all over their heads. And Billy did the same upon another facing him,

but not being much accustomed to roosting in such a place, his legs hung down as untidy as may be. And it was quite clear he had not taken pattern after the way in which the little man had bundled himself up together. If the little man had been a tailor all his life, he could not have sat more contentedly upon his haunches. Don't know what that means. Tailors crouch a lot,

I guess. I guess. Or they make really good pants. They make, or they make pants that don't cut off your circulation when you crouch. I don't know. I don't know what that means. They've got all the audacity.

That's all I know about tailors. Tailors have all the audacity. That's all you need to know about tailors. Basically, Billy's uncomfortable. There they were, both master and and man looking down upon the fun that was going forward and under them were the priest and piper and the father of darby riley with darby's two brothers and his uncle's son and there were both the father and the mother of bridget rooney and proud enough the old couple were that night of their daughter as good right

they had to be proud and her four sisters with brand new ribbons in their caps and her three brothers all looking as clean and clever as any three boys in Munster and there were uncles and aunts and gossips and cousins enough besides to make a full house of it and plenty was there to eat and drink on the table for every one of them if they had been double that number wow it's a great wedding. This is the wedding crashers movie I want to see. Yes. It's a leprechaun and Billy McWatts' face crashing it. A leprechaun and his best friend, Billy McWatts' face. I feel like we could rename this story like Party Bros. I don't know. I just I love them so much.

I think they're so cute. I know. I mean, I feel for Bridget. It's her. It's her literal wedding night. It is. And it's about to be an interesting, more interesting night than she thought it was going to be. Now it happened just as Mrs. Rooney had helped his reverence to the first cut of the pig's head, which was placed before her, beautifully bolstered up with white Savoys.

I looked up what white Savoys are, by the way, and it is either a fancy kind of paper or a kind of cabbage. Oh, okay. I think it's cabbage in this case. All right. Who knows? cabbage in this case all right who knows so mrs rooney is serving uh the priest the first cut of the pig's head and the bride gave a sneeze which made everyone at table start but not a soul said god bless us all thinking that the priest would have done so as he ought if he had done his duty no one wished to take the word out of his mouth which unfortunately was preoccupied with pig's

head and greens and after a moment's pause the fun and merriment of the bridal feast went on without the pious benediction. Wow. The priest is totally at fault here, I guess. He is falling down on the job. I like that everybody is like looking at him like, are you going to bless her? I'm not going to bless her. That's his job. I don't want to upstage him and make him feel bad for not blessing her. I can't do that. The devil doesn't listen to me.

Okay. So things, you know, whatever. She sneezed. No one said bless you. They all, you know, they moved on. I feel like that's, is that an important note? Yeah. Because, okay.

It's a very important note. I'm so scared for Bridget. Of this circumstance, both Billy and his master were not inattentive spectators from their exalted stations. Ha! exclaimed the little man, throwing one leg from under him with a joyous flourish, and his eye twinkled with a strange light, whilst his eyebrows became elevated into the curvature of gothic arches. Ha! I know, it's great imagery, right? Ha! said he, leering down at the bride, and then up at Billy. I have half of her now, surely. Let her sneeze, but twice more. And she is mine in spite of Priest, Massbook, and Darby Riley.

Okay. Brides beware. Don't sneeze at your wedding. It's very important that people say bless you after you sneeze or the wee folk get you. This is the second fairy tale I've read where this has been a major plot point. Incredible. And again, the fair Bridget sneezed, but it was so gently and she blushed so much that

few except the little man took or seemed to take any notice. And again, no one thought of saying, God bless us. And again, no one thought of saying, God bless us. Billy all this time regarded the poor girl with the most rueful expression of continence, for he could not help thinking what a terrible thing it was for a nice young girl of 19 with large blue eyes, transparent skin, and dimpled cheeks, suffused with health and joy, to be obliged to marry an ugly little bit of a man who was a thousand years old barring a day. You don't know her life. Maybe she's into it. Maybe she'll love that. But also it should be her choice. Billy seems like a nice, he's a nice boy.

Absolutely. He's like, you know, it doesn't seem right that she'd be forced to like marry this like crazy, this like creepy old Just because no one said, God bless you. And it's already her wedding night. I feel like she's going to be real disappointed. Yeah. Darby Riley sounds awesome, and she's probably really stoked about marrying him. At this critical moment, the bride gave a third sneeze and billy roared out with all his might god save us oh billy billy

whether this exclamation resulted from his soliloquy or from the mere force of habit he could never exactly tell but no sooner was it uttered that the little man, his face glowing with rage and disappointment sprung from the beam on which he had perched himself and shrieking out in the shrill voice of a cracked bagpipe. I discharge you from my service, Billy McDaniel, take that for your wages. And he gave poor Billy a most furious kick in the back.

Is this where bros Before Hoes came from? This is exactly where Bros Before Hoes came from. This is the Bros Before Hoes origin story. He's so mad. So he gives Billy a kick in the back, which sent his unfortunate servant sprawling upon his face and hands right in the middle of the supper table. If Billy was astonished, how much more so was every one of the company into which he was thrown with so little ceremony. but when they heard his story father cooney laid down his knife and fork and married the young couple out of hand with all speed and billy mcdaniel danced the rinka at their wedding and plenty he did drink at it too which was what he thought more of than dancing the end

that is exactly how i wanted it to end i wanted it to end with him partying it up. Yeah. Oh, that was so fucking good. Me too. I love it so much. This story is everything I love about Irish fairy tales. Gosh, that was just such a delight. How incredibly fun.

I know. I love it so much. I love that he's just like, it's just the leprechaun wanted a drinking buddy. So they're drinking buddies for years. And then Billy's like, I don't know. I mean, I was with you when we were stealing a bunch of like rich people's wine, like that was really fun. And I was supes into it. But it seems kind of wrong to make a 19 year old marry a 1000 year old. Can't let that go, bro. And not even just the 19 year old and 1000 year old. Also just the,

like it is her wedding night. She doesn't even know it's happening. Uh huh. Yeah. Billy is a king of consent. This, I don't know, bro.

This seems wrong. She's just sneezing. You know, that's not like consent to get married. Also, the leprechaun seems super fun. Maybe he should try dating. He does seem fun. I'm sure that if he picked out like some other town lush and took her all over the place stealing fancy wine, she'd be happy to marry him.

Yeah. Just saying. Just saying. Obviously, he's got partners out there that like his company. Billy thought he was cool as hell. He just feels like he has to force people into his life. He should really work on that in himself. He should really look into that. Yeah, I don't have any fixes for that. That was amazing. None. It was perfect. Perfect start to finish. No fixes.

Oh, just what a sweet baby angel Billy McDaniel is. Yep. Did you get any points? I had guessed or predicted that there was a snide comment about a landlord, which there was not. I predicted that the protagonist would end up with no gold. That really wasn't. He ended up with no gold. Yeah. I would count that. And also he was a tricky leprechaun. I didn't think so at first, but he was trying. But you said he would trick the protagonist. That's true. Okay, I think that was one point then. One point for Kelsey on that one. I am actually going to read a story called The Leprechaun. Yay! We're both doing a leprechaun. We had to get our leprechaun stories in for the end of March. Hell yeah.

And this one is actually kind of like two stories, which I thought was interesting. Okay. So go ahead and give me three predictions for The Leprechaun, and that's all it's called. Wow. Oh my God. That's just, that's a lot of nothing. That gives me nothing. What do you know about leprechaun. And that's all it's called. Wow. Oh, my God. That's that's just that's a lot of nothing. That gives me nothing. What do you know about leprechauns? Very little.

They're wee little men with pots of gold. And they were attacking Jennifer Aniston in that one movie. They were? What movie? I think it's just called Leprechaun. Oh, is it like a B-horror movie? Yes, it's a B-horror movie starring Jennifer Aniston and

she gets attacked by a leprechaun. Are you fucking kidding me? I gotta watch that. Oh my god, it's there! A 1993 movie. I wanna watch that so bad. It's a har A 1993 movie. I want to watch that so bad. It's a horomedy. Yes. It's a horomedy. Yeah. No, it's definitely not like a horror film.

It has eight films. Stephen told me about this movie like a couple years ago. And I was like, oh, no, I'm no, absolutely. I'm not interested. I don't want to see it. And he finally sat me down and watched it because he really likes it. And I was pleasantly surprised by how funny it is. I need to watch all eight of them. According to Wikipedia on St. Patrick's Day, all leprechaun movies are played on the sci-fi channel. Amazing. Yeah, go check it out. I thought it was pretty funny. I enjoyed watching it. And Jennifer Aniston is so pretty and had such great hair. So my three predictions

for this leprechaun, I just love my story so much. I just want more of it. I keep wanting to make predictions based on Master and Man. I know. Sadly, I don't think my stories are as good as that. That was... How could you top that? I mean, it's nigh on perfect. My prediction is that there are two major protagonists, one for each mini story. I predict that the leprechaun is trying to trick them. I predict that one of the protagonists does not make it.

Like, dies? Yes. Does not make it. Okay. I mean, that was a really nice way to put it, but like, goddamn. Does not make it. They don't make it out of the story. Okay.

Well, because I also, I think that's a pretty daring, that's a daring prediction for an Irish fairy tale. They almost always live. Otherwise, how would you know the story? One of my favorite pirates quotes. No one's ever lived to tell the tale. And he's like, where do the tales come from then? Where do the tales come from? Yeah, okay.

Yes, yes. I remember that. That was pretty funny. go from. Yeah. Okay. Yes. Yes. I remember that.

That was pretty funny. Like seeing the ships with the black sails. Anyway. Tell me all about it. I love leprechauns. And it also gives a little prologue about leprechauns, which I think is kind of fun. So this is The Leprechaun by Lady Wilde. leprechauns which i think is kind of fun so this is the leprechaun by lady wild the leprechauns or leith brogan meeting artisans of the brogue are merry industrious tricksy little sprites who do

all of the shoemakers work and the tailors and the cobblers for the fairy gentry and are often seen at sunset under the hedge singing and stitching they know all the secrets of hidden treasure and if they take a fancy to a person will guide them to the spot in the very wrath where the pot of gold lies buried. It is believed that a family now living near Castellaria came

by their riches in a strange way all through the good offices of a friendly leprechaun. I'm so excited! And the legend has been handed down through many generations as an established fact. And so our story begins. There was a poor boy once,

one of their forefathers who used to drive his cart of turf daily back and forward. And to make what money he could by the sale, he was a strange boy, very silent and moody. And the people sale he was a strange boy very silent and moody and the people said he was a fairy changeling for he joined in no sports and scarcely ever spoke to anyone but spent the nights reading all the old bits of books he picked up in his rambles the one thing he longed for above all others was to get rich and be able to give up the old weary

turf cart and live in peace and quiet all alone with nothing but books around him and a beautiful That does sound nice. So, because he was an introvert, he's obviously a fairy changeling. He's a cursed child. Poor kid. Now, he had read in the old books how the leprechauns knew all of the secret places where gold lay hid. And day by day, he watched for a sight of the little cobbler and listened for the click, click of his hammer as he sat under the hedge mending the shoes. At last, one evening, just as the sun set, he saw a little fellow under a dock leaf working away, dressed in all green with a cocked hat on his head. So the boy

jumped down from the cart and seized him by the neck. Oh, no. Calm down. Okay. And again, I think when you're trying to catch leprechauns, they're pretty quick, right? Yeah. Yes, I'm sure. But like by the neck? I know. It still seems rude. Yikes.

Now, you don't stir from this, he cried, till you tell me where to find the hidden gold. Easy now, said the leprechaun. Don't hurt me and I will tell you all about it. But mind you, I could hurt you if I chose. For I have the power, but I won't do it, for we are cousins once removed. So as we are near relations,

I'll just be good and show you where the place, the secret gold that none can have or keep except for those of fairy blood and race. Oh, what? Gossip. So maybe he was a changeling. Maybe. Oh, my God. Mind blown a little bit. Like, oh, yeah, we're cousins.

So. God, mind blown a little bit. Like, oh yeah, we're cousins, so. Come along with me then to the old fort of Lippenshaw, for there it lies. But make haste, for when the last red glow of the sun vanishes, the gold will disappear also, and you will never find it again. Come off then, said the boy, and he carried the Lippercorn into the turf cart and drove off. And in a second, they were at the old fort and went through a door made in a stone wall. Now look around, said the leprechaun, and the boy saw the whole ground covered with gold pieces.

And there were vessels of silver lying about in such plenty that all the riches of all the world seemed gathered there. Now take what you want, said the leprechaun, but hasten for if that door shuts, you will never leave this place as long as you live. Oh God, there's a lot of rules being thrown at him in a very sudden haphazard manner. I think he can handle it.

So the boy gathered up his arms full of gold and silver and flung them into the cart and was on his way back for more when the door shut with a clap like thunder. And all the place became dark as night. And he saw no more of the leprechaun and had no time even to thank him. Which I think is cute that he was thinking about thanking him because. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that makes sense. So he's on the right. He's on the good side of the door. he's on the good side of the door he's on the door side of the door that's not locked in the dark yes okay all right i missed that i was like oh no yeah he was just about to go in for more and then the door shut and then the door shut okay oh and he wanted to thank he wanted to thank leprechaun that is sweet even though he like grabbed him by the neck okay so he thought it best to drive home at once with his treasure and when he arrived he was all alone by himself he counted his riches and all of the

bright yellow gold pieces enough for a king's ransom and he was very wise and told no one but went off the next day to dublin and put all of his treasures into the bank and found that he was now indeed as rich as the Lord. So he ordered a fine house to be built with spacious gardens and he had servants and carriages and books to his heart's content. And he gathered all of the wise men around him to give him the learning of a gentleman. And he became a great and powerful man in the country where his memory is still held in high honor. And his descendants are living to this day rich and prosperous for their wealth has never decreased, though they have ever given large to the poor

and are noted above all things for the friendly heart and the liberal hand. But the leprechauns can be bitterly malicious if they are offended and one should be very cautious in dealing with them, as Abby's story told yes and always treat them with great civility or they will take revenge and never reveal the secret of hidden gold and then it just starts into like another story amazing it doesn't give a break at all i was super confused by this well it has like a little ominous paragraph in between about just kind of like, now let me tell you about what happens

if you cross one. But I love that so much. I'm glad that like, you know, all of his descendants were really generous with their riches. Yeah. I think that's the right way to go. If your family makes a lot of money, you should have an open hand and try to

give out a lot of it back to other people. Yes. That's good. And I love that people are noticing that it's kind of strange that this family just sort of came into wealth out of nowhere. Suspiciously out of nowhere.

They must have fairy blood. Exactly. Yeah, and he definitely had to have been a changeling. Had must have fairy blood. Exactly. Yeah, and he definitely had to have been a changeling. Had to have been. Yep. I love that. I wish there was more to that story. That's my fix for that one. Good call. So what happens when you cross a leprechaun?

So, one day a young lad was out in the fields at work when he saw a little fellow, not the height of his hand, mending shoes under a dock leaf. I think how small that person is. Yeah. Not even like as tall as your hand. Yeah.

So like four inches maybe? Mm-hmm. Teeny tiny. Very, very, a wee person for sure. teeny tiny. Very, very, a wee,

a wee person for sure. And he went over, never taking his eyes off him for fear he would vanish away. And when he got quite close, he made a grab at the creature and lifted him up and then put him in his pocket. Just. What? You know,

Billy, Billy got indentured servitude for seven years in a day for just insinuating that he might. So we'll see how this goes. Well, then he ran away home as fast as he could. And when he had the leprechaun safe in the house, he tied him by an iron chain to the hob. Now tell me, he said, where am I to find the pot of gold? Let me know or I will punish you. I know of no pot of gold, said the leprechaun, but let me go and I may finish mending the shoes.

Then I'll make you tell me, said the lad. And with that, he made down a great fire and put the little fellow on it and scorched him. Take me off, take me off, cried the leprechaun. I'll tell you just there under the dock leaf where you found me. There is a pot of gold. Go dig and find. So the lad was delighted. I know it's fucked up.

Abby's like glaring. I hope he dies. He deserves it. So the lad was delighted and ran to the door. But it so happened that his mother was just then coming in with a pail fresh of milk. And in his haste, he knocked the pail out of her hand and all of the milk was spilled onto the floor. Then when the mother saw the leprechaun, she grew very angry and beat him. Yeah, good.

Go away, you little wretch, she cried. You've overlooked the milk and brought ill luck and she kicked him out of the house but the lad ran off to find the dock leaf though he came back very sorrowful in the morning for he had dug and dug nearly down to the middle of the earth but no pot of gold was to be seen the same night the husband was coming home from his work, and as he had passed the old fort, he heard voices and laughter, and one said, They're looking for a pot of gold, but they little know what a crock of gold is lying down on the bottom of the old quarry. Hid under stones close by the garden wall, but whoever gets it must go of a dark night at twelve o'clock, and beware of bringing his wife with him. So. Okay. it must go of a dark night at 12 o'clock and beware of bringing his wife with him. So I feel like that's really specific.

That's I think that's too specific. I think that they definitely know that he's there. Just yelling out these various specific instructions. And don't bring his wife with him. And don't bring your wife. Women, right? They're just going to cause trouble and make sure you don't get your gold.

They're going to ask a lot of practical questions about what are you doing? And this doesn't seem safe. Can't have that. No. Nosy women. So the man hurried home and told his wife that he would go there that very night for it was black,

dark, and she must stay at home and watch for him and not stir from the house until he came back. Then he went out into the dark night alone. Now, thought the wife, when he was gone, if I could only get to the quarry before him, I would have the pot of gold all

to myself, while if he gets it, I shall have nothing. Oh no, they have such a horrible marriage. Oh gosh, I was just about to say, it sounds like my parents. It sounds exactly like my parents. Oh, no.

And with that, she went out and ran like the wind until she reached the quarry. And then she began to creep down very quietly in the black dark. All I can see is your mom now. Good. That's who I'm imagining too. She's like, he's just going to spend it all on antique jars. Yep. Which is true.

He would too. Sorry, mom and dad. It's fucking true. Sorry, mom and dad. It's fucking true. But a great stone was in her path and she stumbled over it and fell down, down, down till she reached the bottom. And there she lay groaning for her leg was broken

by the fall. Just then her husband came to the edge of the quarry and began to descend. But when he heard the groans, he was frightened. Cross of Christ about us, he exclaimed. What is down below? Is it evil or is it good? Oh, come down and help me, cried the woman.

It's your wife is here and my leg is broken and I'll die if you don't help me. And is this my pot of gold, exc the poor man oh my god only my wife with a broken leg lying about at the bottom of the quarry what a lazy witch and he was out of the wits end to know what to do for the night was so dark he couldn't see a hand before him so he roused up a neighbor and between them they dragged the poor woman and carried her home and laid her on the bed, half dead from freight. And it was many a day before she was able to get up about as usual. And indeed she limped all her lifelong so that the people said the curse of the leprechaun was upon her. Which isn't even fair because it was like her son.

upon her. Which isn't even fair because it was like her son. Yeah. What did she do? Well, I guess she did try to steal the gold first. She did try to get there first, which is funny.

That's fair. But as to the pot of gold from that day to this, not one of the family father or son or any belonging to them ever set eyes on it. However, the little leprechaun still sits under the dock leaf on the hedge and laughs at them as he mends shoes with his little hammer. Tick, tack, tick, tack. Because they are afraid to touch him, for now they know he can take his revenge. The end. Okay. Okay.

I thought that was a very cute little family, like, quarrel. Yeah, that's like a very cute little family drama caused by this leprechaun. And I love that the end of the story is the leprechaun continues And I love that the end of the story is the leprechaun continues to like taunt them

by still like sitting where they can see him and being all like, oh yeah, try it. Try it. I dare you. It's confusing to me because the wife comes home and she sees the leprechaun and she gets all pissed off at her son, but then she still tries to run off and grab the gold.

Even though she knows it's like cursed now yeah you got one point uh because there were two major protagonists all right uh the leprechaun didn't really try to trick them and none of the protagonists died the leprechaun kind of talking loudly and giving very specific instructions to make them go stumble down in the dark wasn't a trick? I mean, not by that specific leprechaun of the story. They just said voices. Oh, fair enough. Fair enough.

And it wasn't a very specific trick. Maybe they were just being super obvious. I don't know. Fair enough. And everybody lived. But yeah, my only fix is I want more information about the first person. And I just kind of a little bit more. I think it would be nice to hear more about his life living alone with his books. Good for him. Yeah. Because that was his goal, you know? Yeah, it's exactly what he wanted.

Even though he's the one who sees the leprechaun by the neck i guess just don't put him up and put him in your pocket well don't well unlike the the kid put the leprechaun in the fire that's true he's i think that's where he went wrong is yeah he put he tied him to a chair and then stuck him in the fire literally torturing yeah yes this poor creature torturing the coordinates of the pot of gold out of him yeah uncool i think i think you know everything else is just kind of like a oh that that was funny yeah i agree with your fix i want a little more backstory on how this kid is a fairy yeah or a Or a cousin once removed. Yeah. Very cute. Yeah. I love it.

And he's like, yeah, I'll give you some gold. You've got fairy blood. Why not? Why not? And I, yeah, like, okay. Say more about that, please. Yes. I want that whole story. Also, I thought it was interesting. No one in the stories had any names. Oh, you're right. That is unusual. It was all like the boy, the man, the wife. Yeah. Well, then that seems like that should be the end. Yes. That was our month of Irish fairy tales. We hope you enjoyed it as much as we did. God, so much joy. We hope you enjoyed it as much as we did.

God, so much joy. So fun. I fucking love Irish fairy tales. They're insane. Thank you so much for listening to Fairy Tale Fix. If you enjoyed the show, please subscribe and leave us a review on Apple if you can. It helps us a ton in the algorithm and helps make us actually show up for people who are searching for podcasts. And if you love the show and want to support us, you can also get extra episodes, merch, books, and other cool bonus content at our Patreon by signing up at fairytalefix.cash.

And you can also find us on Twitter and Instagram at FairytaleFixPod. Feel free to email us and DM us your favorite fairy tales, folklore, nursery rhymes, and other such things at info at FairytaleFixPod.com. And so Billy McWhat's-His-Face McDaniels just kept partying down all his life long as he deserved. No changes needed. And we got way more information about the changeling that got all of the gold and his family that lived wealthy for the rest of their days. And may your troubles be less and your blessings be more and nothing but happiness come through your door. And they all lived happily ever after. The end.