Fairy Tale Fix - 42: It’s God’s Work, I Guess

Episode Date: April 26, 2022

Kelsey brings us back to Ireland for one more story, called Satan’s Cloven Hoof. Abbie reads a tale with an important marriage lesson from Iraq called The Sign of the Tassle.

No wonder you couldn't read this without doing a lot of prep work on it. Snake was sarpent. Sarpent. Boy, hello there. Hello. Welcome to Fairy Tale Fix. I'm Kelsey. Hooray. I'm Kelsey. Hooray! I'm Abby.

And this is the podcast where we read each other fairy tales and go, what the fuck? That's the whole podcast. That's what we do. Sometimes you remember to fix them. Oh, yeah. Sometimes, if we have a fix. If we have one, which we increasingly do not. I know. we're finding some really good ones lately in fact the one i'm going to read you today so i know this is way way past um saint patrick's day and our little irish celebration so when we did our random reading

back you know like over a month ago, I actually had picked one called Satan's Cloven Hoof. And I was ready to read it. I was really excited about it. And I tried and it was written in that Irish dialect where it's like written out phonetically. And I absolutely could not read it. It was really difficult. And I was really interested in the story. So I went through and I re-translated it. Went through, transcribed it all into like a format you could read. Yes. Yeah. I have a whole Google doc. So I'm so excited. I'm so excited that you're actually going to tell it to me because when you were reading it through, you were kind of going back and forth because it's so long and it was so time intensive. But I remember you got me really jazzed about it

because you kept saying like, no, I have to, I have to tell it to you. It's just, it's too bonkers not to tell you this story. So I'm very hyped. Yeah, so I'm bringing us back to Irish folktales for just this episode and then I'll probably do something different next time. But I don't know.

I was really excited about this. Incredible. Yay. I did want to tell you, though, I had the cutest thing happen to me the other day. I guess I don't know if it was cute. Okay. So I was driving home, and I almost ran over a toad. I just – I had to like –

On your bike or in your car? In my car. I'm driving in my car. See this poor little toad like hopping across the street. So I swerved to miss him. And then I was like really worried about him being in the middle of the street. So I actually got out of my car and like, I was like, okay, like shoot him across the street. Uh-huh. Get out of the road. He was enormous. Giant toad. Aw. And I was like, should I adopt this toad?

Should I take this home as my son? Yes. I even asked Siobhan if she wants a brother. A toad. A toadly brother. No, that's perfect. That was your moment. That was your moment to secretly have some sort of heavenly prince in your household. And then he could go marry really well

and then you'll live in comfort for the rest of your days. Well, I do see toads a lot around my house and just frogs in general. It is that season. It's starting to rain. So I'm seeing him everywhere. It's great. I love it. But he was running away from me pretty quickly. He didn't ask to come home with me. That's fair.

It's a wild animal. Doesn't really want to come home with you. But I'm glad you're seeing so many frogs. am sitting in horrible anticipation of what of the new horde of horrible horrible monsters this spring will bring to Maryland the floating spiders yes Joro spiders will apparently Joro spider hatchlings will apparently

be parachuting into the northeast this spring as of this recording which we're recording this episode like roughly mid-march um they have not appeared yet but they are supposed to show up sometime this spring and then grow into palm-sized yellow and red horrifying spiders um fuck you mother nature i love that everything like that is always on the east coast like the murder hornets the cicadas and now the flying spiders at least the cicada swarm is once every 17 years

so that's not so bad and it did end up being kind of interesting uh-huh so i'm hoping that this will be a similar vein in the sense that it won't be that bad and it'll end up being kind of interesting. I'm hoping that like I want one resident giant yellow spider to live somewhere out of my eyeline on my porch, but somewhere where it can also get access to all of the mosquitoes that plague me during the summer. So in that sense, it might end up being great. Spiders are great. I have one living in my bathroom sink right now. Ew. I haven't named him yet. Or her. Or them.

I don't want to. Don't want to get attached? I don't want to impose my own cultural norms on this poor spider. Or cultural bullshit. Anyway, I haven't named the spider yet. I might. It depends on how long it stays there. If it stays there another week,

you should name it Leela. There you go. I love that. I always, I don't know. I always get sad when the spiders I named disappear. I had a black widow. She was outside.

I wouldn't let a black widow stay in my house. Good caveat. She was outside. And I't let a black widow stay in my house. Good caveat. She was outside. Um, and I just called her mama. Cause I'm, she was, she's mama. She's cute. I don't know. I liked her just where she was. Yeah. And she left one day and I don't know, I was kind of sad about it. I missed her. It's probably for the best. Probably, I guess. Or she got eaten by something bigger than her. I don't know. But anyway. But anyway.

I get very attached to my spider friends. Yeah, I know. And the toads that I meet. You love spiders and toads. I'm a weird Disney princess. You are. You're the best possible kind. I like all the animals, though.

There's also, like, I notice so there's kind of a pond by my mom's house and somebody actually, it's really sad, actually somebody dropped off, like, their pet white duck at the little pond. I know, it's sad, but he's still there,

like, chilling with the geese. It's hilarious and I absolutely love him. And it's just the one duck and then a bunch of Canadian geese that are constantly hissing at it. It's really sad. That's really depressing. But I love him. I've, I also thought about adopting that duck. I asked, I'm like, can we get a duck? How would you feel about having a pet duck? I just want all the animals to come live with me anyway. You should get a little farm. That's the dream.

Get a little farm and have a little menagerie of barnyard animals. I love that idea so much. Anyway, anything new with you? No. Okay. love that idea so much anyway anything new with you no okay no not outside of my of my resentment my general resentment of nature in this area that's it that's about it that's all I got I can't wait for you to tell me about that when it happens yeah I'll tell you you're gonna have to use like an umbrella when you go oh my god for no I mean, I hope it's not like that. But all I can picture is the end of

Charlotte's Web when all of Charlotte's hatchlings just like parachute away, but they're parachuting as like a little cloud. So I'm really hoping that it's not like that. Okay. This actually reminded me of something. I've got beef with Steven right now. No, why? I'm so mad at Steven. He sent me a TikTok of like somebody lifting over a rock and there's like a fuck ton of ants under it. And then the guy taking the video

just sticks his bare foot in the hole and just lets the ants start slowly crawling all over his foot and up his leg. Don't tell me that. Steven sent it to me. Steven?

I messaged him back and was like, Steven, why? I thought we were friends. So tell him I'm mad at him. And so is Adam because I made Adam watch it. And he hates ants. He absolutely hates ants. Oh, my God. Just hearing about hates ants. He absolutely hates ants. Oh my God. Just hearing about that TikTok, not even seeing it, just hearing about it is making my skin

crawl. And now you've done this to all of our listeners. Yeah. If I have to live in this house, so does everybody else. And it's Stephen's fault. Rest assured, as soon as we're done recording, I will march right downstairs and give him a piece of your mind yeah remember everyone we're all mad at Stephen right

now okay we're all mad at Stephen it's been settled because normally he sends me like just the most ace shit like and it's all hilarious or weird or creepy I thought Stephen and I were friends and I was sending him some funny stuff too but I guess now we're in a fight

some laughter laughter and I was sending him some funny stuff too, but I guess now we're in a fight. Some. Oh boy. Yeah. Sometimes Steven goes rogue with the videos. I just want to know why. I don't know. It's, it's,

it's sometimes he just, he, he usually finds stuff that's hilarious or weird or creepy or, or just straight up interesting. And that, but, and then the other week, he would just send me like a string of like poop related stuff. I don't know why.

But that was when I was having beef with Steven about the videos he was sending me. You know, maybe maybe I should be asking, is Steven okay? Steven's fine. You okay? Stephen's fine. You okay? He's in somewhat of a dark mood. But you know, it comes and goes. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know. I'll have stern I will have stern words with him after we're done with this. You definitely should because that was horrifying. I should send you the video and make you know, I don't send you the video. And make you watch it. No I don't want to see it.

I won't watch it. If you send me anything. In the next couple days. I'm just going to delete the message. So I don't have to know about it. Oh my gosh. It's awful. Oh boy.

Tell me. Tell me the cloven hoof. Tell me all about it. I'm going to tell you Satan's cloven hoof. Okay. So I was really excited to tell you this story. It's hilarious. And I love that.

Okay. So it actually explains. Why we have read about the devil only having one cloven hoof and not hooves. Do you remember in the green, the devil in the green coat? Yeah. I remember that he only had one hoof, one cloven hoof and the other was like a normal human leg. Yeah. We were like, hoof, that's weird. So this actually explains how Satan got his cloven hoof. I love, oh my God, I'm so excited about this. Also, just FYI, the story has so many problematic themes. Misogyny, racism, ableism. And while I'm actually going to cut out as much unnecessary bullshit as I can,

I'm also leaving in a few things because some of it genuinely just made me laugh. I know you know one of them. I already sent it to you. But just some of the misogynistic things are just so funny. Yeah. And the racist things are really just, you know, bad Irish words that, you know, they weren't spelled out correctly. So I wasn't absolutely sure, but I'm pretty sure. So we're just cutting them out. Love it. Love it. Love it. Love it. Love it. Okay. Thanks for the warning. Yeah. And also, this was actually, I'm pretty sure it was written phonetically in that Irish

dialect because somebody told the story. So yeah, it's awesome. I fucking love Irish folktales. Give me three predictions. I almost forgot. So you told me that this is how the devil got his one clove and hoof. So I predict that the devil's leg gets chopped off somehow. I mean, I feel like maybe that's a little obvious, but...

Well, I mean, it could be magicked into a goat's leg. Like there are a lot of other ways that he could come by a goat leg. Okay. So the devil's leg gets chopped off. Okay. What's your second prediction? I mean, if you don't want me to, if you think it's too obvious, then I'll skip it. No, no, it's fine.

I'm just teasing you. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm feeling very wry today. I like it. I didn't get any sleep last night. I already complained to Abby about this before we started recording, but I am a little tired, so. This is a fun mood on you.

I like it. So many different ways it could go. The devil loses whatever bargain he struck. And the protagonist gets married at the end. yay i'm so excited okay i'm terrible at surprises i always want to tell you everything right away i'm really glad you sat on this one i'm so excited to sit here and listen to your tale tell me all about it. So in the neighborhood of Glendalough County, Wicklow is a sacred memorial to St. Kevin and abounds with the legends of his life and works. The seven churches, which according to tradition were built under there in his direction and are now mostly in ruins. And in the graveyard of one of the churches is a curious stone cross of considerable size,

evidently monumental though. The inscription has been so defaced as to be illegible on the front of the cross. There is a deep indentation resembling that made of the hoof by a cow concerning this cross and the depression in its face. The following legend was related by an old peasant of the neighborhood. Oh my God. Yes.

I'm so excited. I can also just see like the cinematic opening. If this was a movie of it's just like, it's a dark night and you're going through this old church yard and this is creepy cross. I love it. I did try to find a photo of the cross. There is a cross in Glendale called Kevin's cross,

but it does not have an indentation. So I don't think that is the same cross. There is a cross in Glendalough called Kevin's cross, but it does not have an indentation. So I don't think that is the same cross, but I mean, they're all in ruins. So it's probably old and just demolished by now. Yeah, probably. I will post some information about that in the show notes. Cool. But it wasn't really that interesting. So was just very religious it's like if you look it up there's a bunch of people hugging it because apparently if you can fit your arms entirely around it and give it a hug it'll grant you a wish oh cool or you'll find your true love or something um and not really anything about satan's clovenhoof which is way cooler so you okay and i'm also very sorry

that I don't have an Irish accent for this because obviously that would make this a thousand times better. I want to hear this old man telling the story so bad. You must know that among all the saints that went to heaven from Ireland, there isn't one Baron St. Patrick that stands in a better place

than the blessed St. Kevin of Glendalough for the wonderful things he has done is past all telling. It was Kevin that built all the churches in the Vale, and when he lived, he owned all the land roundabout, for he had restored King O'Toole's goose. So a quick synopsis of King O'Toole's goose, which I will also post a link to the whole story in our show notes. It already has so many side stories. Wait, so this old man's like telling a story and then he starts telling another one before he's even properly started. This happens a few times. Oh my God. Yes. But he goes over this very quickly. I'm going to give you a little bit more context because it's really cute. So King O'Toole had a pet goose and loved her so much because she reminded him of the days when he was young and could explore and hunt, which is like just the cutest thing ever. And as his goose grew

older, she couldn't fly anymore, which made the king very, very sad. And one day, St. Kevin, disguised as a regular lad, overheard the king's laments about his poor goose and promised to restore her youth if he could have all the land that the goose could fly over. And the king agreed because nothing in the world

could be too much to pay for his beloved goose. How far do geese fly? Which is so cute. I mean, far. That's, yeah. Very far. Half the kingdom from my goose's youth. Right.

So St. Kevin magically makes this goose young again, which is also funny to me because it's very unchristian-like. Just to be like, and you're young again. Like, I guess he blesses the goose and then it's young again uh-huh Saint Kevin kind of sounds like a fairy creature to me well that's I mean that's one of the fun things about Irish stories so that I think it kind of smashes yeah like smashes like local pre-christian beliefs together with like I'm just like it's a saint definitely not a fairy lord yeah absolutely uh so anyway the goose becomes young again and flies over all of this land and so saint kevin got all of it and then back into the old man's story uh it was he too saint kevin

that put out of the country the very last snake that was left in it after saint petrick had drove the rest into the sea for he met the beast one day as he was walking in the hills and took took him home with him the snake got as drunk as a piper so saint kevin put him in a box and nailed it up and flung it into the sea where it is to this blessed day. So this also makes me think of like somebody's proud grandpa just telling like absolutely not true stories about their grandson that they're so proud of. Okay, so he threw the last snake in Ireland, which aren't snakes a euphemism for pagans?

Yes, well, you know, I have read different things about that. I was actually going to talk about that for our St. Patrick's Day episode, but I couldn't find enough like conclusive information. I think it is like a thinly veiled metaphor for pagans because there were never any snakes in Ireland.

Yeah. But some people say it's not and it's more complicated than that. And, you know, I think our friends over at the Fairyytellers podcast went over all of that in their St. Patrick's Day episode. Okay.

So if you want to learn more about that, I'd suggest to go listen to them. They're very educational and smart and pretty. We love them. I probably will go listen to that episode because I've always wondered about that. But okay, continue. Okay.

Yeah, there was a lot to this story. That is very small. That's a side story. I'm going to stop asking so many questions. No, it's okay. I love it. This is going to take a while. This is a great story.

But tis my belief that the best work St. Kevin had ever done was marking the devil so that if you'd meet him on the road, you'd know in a minute that it was he himself and no other. So make ready to either run away from him or fight him with praying as fast as he could, because you see, it's no use to strive with him any other way, seeing that no weapon can harm him. In the olden days, the devil looked like any man, a tall fellow like a sogger or a poor or lazy hand on a sailing vessel. Oh. Which also sounds problematic, but I'm going to continue.

Okay. And he's also got a high hat coming to a point and feathers on it with fine boots and spurs and a short red jacket with a cloak over his shoulder and a sword on his side as fine as any gentleman could have at those times. Okay. cloak over his shoulder and a sword on his side as fine as any gentleman could have at those times okay he used to go about the country deceiving men and women the latter being his place, having a fine time. Well, one day he was traveling about and he heard of St. Kevin and the church he was building. So he says to himself, sure, this won't do.

I must give up my trifling and look after my business or my affairs will go to the dogs. They will. The devil wasn't Carrie when he heard the news and was having a fine time there. For when St. Patrick converted Ireland, he didn't go to Carrie, but only looked into it and blessed it and hurried on. But he didn't forget it, intending to go back, but the devil took up living there. But when he heard St. Kevin's doings, it was too much for him, so he came to Carrie to Glendalough with one jump. And

there, sure enough, the walls of the church were rising before his eyes, and he stood on the hill and heard the evening song of the monks that were helping St. Kevin do the work. Okay. Another cute side story. Like, oh, and St. Patrick was going to bless that place, but he didn't. By the way, in passing, this is why the devil's here. Let me back up. It's a lot like here. It's a lot like watching one of those episodes of How I Met Your Mother where Ted's like, wait, what was this?

Was the goat there? Was that the year after? I don't remember. Carrie's fine, but that's where he lives. St. Patrick didn't have time to do the full thing there. So now he's in Glendalough. Yes. Yeah. And the devil made it from Glendalough from Carrie with one jump, which I love. Fabulous. And seeing all the churches being built, this made the devil very mad. And he stood on the

brow of the hill cursing to himself and thinking that if any more churches got into Ireland, his job would be gone. And he better go back to England where he came from. Just a cute, sly little fuck you to England. Fair. From this guy. That is where the devil comes from. The devil made up his mind, though, that he'd go for St. Kevin if he could. But mind you, the blessed saint was so well known to all the country that the devil feared to take him on.

So he laid about the grass on his breast like a snake for three or four days until they were putting on the roof of the church. Then he thought he'd try. Now, I must tell you one thing. The Blessed Saint was at that time only a young fellow, though they don't make him any better than he was. And when he had left home, he'd been with a sweetheart named Kathleen, and she loved him better than her life, and so did he her her and that he'd lay down and die on the spot for her. But his duty called for him to be God's priest.

And he turned his back on his father, his mother and saddest of all Kathleen, though it was like tearing out his heart and came to Glendalough. Oh, that's sad. It is. Oh, that's sad. It is. Kathleen was likely to die, but after a bit, she got over it a little and went into a convent. Forrest says she, I'll marry no one and I'll meet him in heaven. But St. Kevin didn't know what to become of her, and he tried hard not to think about her. But once in a while, the vision of her would come back to him like the memory of a beautiful dream.

That's very sweet. He gets very romantic about this now about this time while the devil was laying about in the bushes watching the work and the tower of the big church being lifted above the trees the blessed saint began to daydream and saint kevin said to himself things are too easy entirely it's just these times when all is going on as smooth as a duck on a pond, that the devil comes down like a fox on a gosling and takes on everyone unbeknownst and wins the victory. I'll have a care for after the sunshine comes the storm. So in the evening, St. Kevin ordered his monks to say a thousand credos. So in the evening, St. Kevin ordered his monks to say a thousand credos. And after that was done, he got in his boat and crossed the lake.

He climbed up to his bed and went to sleep. But the devil was watching him like a hawk, for he laid a trap for the blessed saint to catch him. That was this way. Everybody knows Satan is slicker than a weasel and has a memory like a miser's box that takes in everything and lets nothing out. When you do anything, the devil hugs it close till a time comes when he can make a club of it to beat you with it. Yeah. The old fellow remembered all that passed between Kathleen and the blessed saint, and he knew how hard it was for St. Kevin to forget her. So he thought he'd put him in a fix. Perfect. Oh my God.

I'm so excited. After the saint had gone to bed with his cloak over him and it was snoring away snug as a flea in a blanket. Here comes the devil climbing up the rock in the exact image of young Kathleen. Okay. Because I was picturing robot Devil from Futurama. Now I'm picturing Robot

Devil in like the old ladies clothes from that. Okay. Oh my gosh. That's so good. Granny Esther's clothes. Oh my god. That's such a good episode. Now you might think it queer, but the devil can take any shape he pleases and look like anyone he wants to.

And he does for the purpose of tempting poor sinners into destruction. But there's one thing to which he's always known when you've given up to him or when you've beaten him, no matter which he's got to throw off his disguise and show you who he really is. When he does it, he isn't the elegant, dressed up devil that you see,

but the real old monstrous form with his horns and tail sticking out, eyes as big as an oxen's and shining like fire and great bat wings on him. Yeah. The most nefarious smell of sulfur you ever smelled.

But before, he looks all right, no matter which face he has. And it's only be the goodness of God that the devil is bound to show himself to you. Because it's his will that all men shall know who they're dealing with. And if they give up to the devil after finding out who he is, then they go to hell with their eyes open. And if they beat him, he's got to show himself to let them see what they've escaped. Nice. I love the mythology of this. This is very fun. Oh, yeah. It's great.

Well, as I was saying, he always comes back to his story because it goes off on a little side tangent. I was just musing about God and why he makes the devil do it. But anyway. Well, as I was saying, the devil was climbing up the rock in the form of Kathleen and came to the saint's bed and touched him on the shoulder. Blessed saint was lying there dreaming of Kathleen as there's no harm in that. And when he woke up seeing her by his side, he thought his eyes deceived him. Kathleen, says he, is it yourself that's here? I mean, thinking I'd parted from you forever? It is, says the old deceiver. And no other, Kevin, darling, and I've come to stay with you.

Aww. Sure, darling, says the saint. You know how it broke my heart entirely to leave you. No more would I have done it but the will of God. You know I loved you, and God forgive me. I'm afraid I love you still, but it isn't right, Kathleen. Go in peace in the name of God and leave me, says he. No, Kevin, said Satan, throwing himself onto Kevin with both arms around his neck. I'll never leave you, letting a tear drop onto the face of the blessed saint.

It's no easy matter to say no to a woman anyhow, even to an ugly woman. But when it's the good-looking one, and she's asking you, their arms around you and the crystal drops like diamonds falling from her eyes that look at you like stars through a shower of rain. By Job, it's myself that doesn't understand why Kevin didn't give up at once. And so he would if he hadn't been the blessed saint that he was. Oh, my God. Like this old like I feel like I would want this old man. He's so cute and he pisses me off a lot. I feel like it's charming only because he's some old man.

Yes, exactly. If anyone younger than 75 is saying stuff like this, then I can't. Even to an ugly woman. It's hard to say no to women, even the ugly ones. And then he gets all romantic and says like. Oh my God, yes. Like with the tears, like diamonds falling from their eyes. And oh, how do you say no to that?

Even if she's a total cow. I sent that to Abby while I was translating this because it made me laugh so hard. So stupid. I love it. Oh, my God. All right. But Kevin is a literal, actual saint. And so he is not swayed by the love of his life hurling herself at him.

Yep. And he was mightily flustered and no wonder and stood there with his breast heaving, doing his best to resist the temptation to trade a crown in heaven for a love on earth. The storytelling is really, really beautiful. Yeah, that's a really, I mean, that's really beautiful imagery, even if it makes me like roll my eyes a little. Oh, grandpa, you know, that exact like, I've met this guy. Leave this place, Kevin, said the tempter, and come with me. We'll go away and be happy together forever.

And with that word, and as the fate of the saint was trembling in the balance, the holy angels of God stood beside him and whispered in his ear that the Kathleen he loved before was pure good and that she'd die before she'd come to him this way. No, says he with sudden strength it's not kathleen that's in it but an evil spirit god's presence be about us get you gone satan and don't trouble me the minute that blessed saint jumped up off the ground with his two feet gave that old retrobray a thundering kick in the stomach and when he doubled up with the pain and fell back and clapped his hands together in front of him,

St. Kevin gave him another kick in the rear, asking your pardon, that sent him clean over the cliff with St. Kevin gathering stones and flinging them after him. Nice. Although I do gotta say, I think it's cheating

that you need angels to remind you that Kathleen would never do this. You gotta have your homies help you out. Yeah, but your homies are supposed to be your earthly friends. You can't have literal angels come down to be like, she's not this. He's a saint. I think he... I don't know.

I have nothing. I have no opinion on that whatsoever. Fair enough. Go on. You're going to love this next part, though. The minute the saint kicked him over the very first kick, Kathleen disappeared, on that whatsoever. Fair enough. Go on. You're going to love this next part, though. The minute the saint kicked him over the very first kick,

Kathleen disappeared and there was the old black beelzebub tumbling over and falling down to the lake, holding his stomach and trying to catch himself

with his wings before he'd hit the water. By the time he got to the bottom and flew away, bellying worse than a bull with a dog hanging to his nose

so that all the monks woke with fright and couldn't go to sleep again until they'd said a credo, but the blessed saint stayed up all night for fear the devil would come back.

Satan flew over that hill and rubbed himself before and behind where the saint had kicked him and didn't go back for he'd have enough of the saint at that time,

but he was mightily vexed to not lose the chance to do some mischief before it go away. He pulled down all of the walls that the poor monks had built that day. Oh, now there's some that say it was the real Kathleen that St. Kevin kicked over. Which,

oh my God, which oh my god but i'm sure that's not true for it's not an irishman to hurt a woman that way that makes me believe that the story i'm telling you is the true story and that it wasn't kathleen at all but satan and saint kevin threatened with such impoliteness and my blessing on him for that the same for he came out very well accepting five or six blisters on his face where the devil's tears touched him that's well known to make blisters on whatever they touch i love that so much that there's like a group of people that are like that was really kathleen dude bullshit like bullshit she didn't want to be a nun and she came to him and was like

hey let's run away and get married. And he kicked her off a cliff. Oh, no. Poor Kathleen. Oh, gosh. Oh, boy. Those are the doubters. Those are the nonbelievers who are just kind of like, bullshit. The devil came anywhere.

That's so funny to me. That's hilarious. I love that. Okay. What else does this charming old fellow have to say about this story? So much. Okay. Well, as I was saying, he pulled down the church walls and the monks put them up again. And the next morning they were down.

And this happens like over and over and over. Oh, and this kept happening for the monks could build up faster than the devil could pull them down. The saint had half the monks on the wall to watch during the night, and when Satan come flying along like the dirty bat that he was, there were the monks on the wall to watch all night, so the devil watched them until they finished their work. Of course, in time, St. Kevin wanted another church and began to build it. Well, one day, the saint was walking among the hills when he heard the clattering of a horse's feet behind him on the road,

and before he could turn around, up comes the most elegant black horse you'd ever seen and a tall gentleman riding him with the look of a sogger, a broad hat on his head and a silk jacket with gold trimmings and gloves to his elbows, the same as he was a rich lord. God save you, says the saint. God save you kindly, says the gentleman. And they walked together and fell into conversation. I'm told you're building another church, says the gentleman.

It's true, says the saint. But it's myself that's bothered about the same, for I have no money, says he. Have you asked for help, asks the gentleman. Indeed I have, says the saint. But the times is hard and the money is going out of the country to them blackguard landlords in England, says he. Is it blackguard? Oh, you're right. I bet that's it.

I don't think I translated that one. Sometimes some of them I got rid of and some of them I was like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, that is a. Scoundrel. Yeah, the scoundrel landlord. I apologize. That is a... Scoundrel. Yeah, the scoundrel landlord. I apologize. That is a racist fucking term.

And, like, such an old-timey one that you don't remember. And it's also written out phonetically, so it wasn't like... Right. But another wonderful insult to England and landlords. Hilarious. All in one. It's right you are, says the gentleman, but I have hopes of better times when the tenants get to their own land.

I'm going right to them, evils. I'm the new Lord Lieutenant and able to help you with the job under a proper understanding. At first, St. Kevin was surprised. He hadn't heard of the appointment of the new Lord Lieutenant, but he reasoned with himself that it could easily be done without him knowing. So he thought he'd try his luck with him. Good be to your Lordship, says he, and make your bed in the heavens. And it's thankful for any small favors you please to give for it's very poor we are.

And what would you say to a present of 10,000 pounds, says a gentleman. And with that, St. Kevin knew an old enemy and stared at him. I love it. He's just kind of like, Oh, that's a lot of money to offer me out of the blue for no reason. This is definitely the devil. Oh,

he's no fool, but the devil had had enough of St. Kevin's heels for he'd felt the kick he could, he could give. And the blessed St. Was well-circumstanced in that quarter as a donkey, and Beelzebub knew that, so he never stayed. But when he saw Saint Kevin coming, immediately the black horse changed into a big dragon

and dropped off the devil of his own image and went off spurring the dragon. He and the beast, flapping their wings as fast as they could to get out of the saint's way. The smell of sulfur so strong that the saint did nothing for an hour but hold his nose and cough. After his two experiences, the devil saw that it was no use trying to trick Saint Kevin, but reduced his work to bothering the monks at work. Does the devil really have nothing better to do with his time? This is his job, is to bother to bother people to fuck shit up he's doing his job this county in ireland specifically

he'd hang about all day and night doing all the mischief that he could because if i can't stop him by jenemy i'll delay them and make it the slowest job they ever undertook and so it was when they'd finish a bit of the wall and would leave it to dry the devil would come and kick by Jynami, I'll delay them and make it the slowest job they ever undertook. And so it was. When they'd finished a bit of the wall and would leave it to dry, the devil would come and kick it over. And when two of them would be carrying up a heavy stone, the devil, unbeknownst to them, would knock it out of their hands and make it drop onto their toes, thinking that they'd swear quietly to themselves, but they never did. When a holy father would lay down his hammer and turn his back, the devil would snatch it up and flee it at the wall,

knocking over a water bucket and upsetting the bricks, making the monks forget where they'd put things. And in general, being a shit starter. He is the devil. He is the devil. And I wrote that last part. That was me.

See, now all I can picture is, um, Sean from the Good Place. Yes. Where it's just, it's all about, like, it's all about trying to get these monks bad place points. Hell yes. Oh my gosh, that's hilarious. Where, like, maybe they'll curse under their breath.

Yeah, exactly. So that I can do worse things to them, wasp nostrils or something. so that I can do worse things to them, wasp nostrils or something. Oh, yeah. So good, too. So good. Oh, my God. All right.

Okay. Now, when St. Kevin consecrated the church, they took with it the ground about as far as you can see at that stone wall. So I'm imagining they're actually at the cross and he's like telling the story and pointing for he says sure it'll always be handy so of course in time as the second church was being built one evening saint kevin went out with a bucket to milk his cow that had just come down from grazing on the hill well he led the calf to her and the poor little beast was so hungry for i believe the cow hadn't come up the night before, and began on one side and the saint on the other. And the calf was sucking away with all its strength. The calf punched and the cow kicked, for mind you, the devil was in them both, the poor beast.

Oh, no. And it wasn't their fault. And it wasn't their fault. And between the howling and the bucket in one hand and milking with the other, keeping his eye out for the cow's heels and shoving the calf from his side, the saint was likely to lose all the milk. Stand still, you creature, or I'll beat the life out of you, says he, very mad. But the cow wouldn't do it. So the blessed saint took the calf by the ears and dragged him away. And then the cow ran at him with horns. So he had to let go of the calf's ears

and dodge the cow. He got a club in case the cow tried to hook him again and opened the gate to the field behind the church, driving the cow in and keeping out the calf. He shut the gate, wiping the sweat off of his blessed face, and got the bucket and set to milk again. But this time, the cow was mad at being shut off from the calf, And at the first squeeze he gave her, she jumped like she'd hurt a banshee. And then she lifted her heel and gave him a kick to the skull, fit to crack it, and laid him on the grass. She put her foot in the bucket and stood looking at him as if he'd had enough. The devil left the cow and the saint asked God to forgive him for cursing her. Sure I will, your reverence, said in a deep voice behind the saint asked god to forgive him for cursing her sure i will your reverence said in a

deep voice behind the saint what that same favor for it's a fat bitch she is i don't really understand what actually happened there what the devil was in the cow okay and the saint was mad at the cow so he was cursing her but then the devil came out like i'm sorry yeah i didn't yell at you bad for yelling at the cow and he's like god forgive me and then the devil's like i forgive you i will yeah i don't know i'm god and i totally forgive you kev kev yeah that sentence is really confusing and I actually couldn't fully translate that one. Okay. But St. Kevin stood up, rubbing his head and looked around. And sure enough, there was Satan himself standing there, grinning away with that horrid mouth of his, stretched from ear to ear, laughing at the fix the saint was in.

Well, the minute St. Kevin set his two eyes on him, he knew he had him. For you see, the ground was consecrated, but the devil didn't know it. For it was done one time when he'd gone off to Cork to attend a landlord's convention to raise the rents on a lot of starving tenants. That being a favorite job with him. Oh, my God. The shade. The shade. The shade.

The shade. So he does in fact read Lend-A-Low sometimes for other jobs, like joining landlord conventions. Yeah. Landlords are clearly the devil's work. That might be my favorite side story. That's very funny. I love that a lot. That's wonderful.

If he'd known that the ground was holy, he'd never dare set foot on it. For you see, if you can catch the devil on holy ground where he has no business, you've got him fast and tight and can pull him in when you please. But the saint wasn't going to give the old deceiver any show. So he ran at him and gripped him by the horns, same as you would a goat, and threw him to the ground and tied his hands with a piece of his own gown that he tore off. And the devil, do what he could, wasn't able to break loose. Now, said St. Kevin, you slithering, blood-sunking, something racist, Irish bad words. A lot of them. I'll fix you, you old hippopotamus.

That one was true. Which is cute. Yes, excellent. I'll fix you, hippopotamus. So every soul in Ireland will know you wherever you're met. So he rolled up his sleeves, spit in his hands, and went to work. He cut off the devil's left leg at the joint of the knee and laid it in the grass. He took off the cow's right hind leg at the knee and screwed the old cow's leg onto the devil's knee and untied Satan and told him to get up. It is poor cow, but I feel like the kisses for the greater good.

I feel bad for just yelling at the cow and like cutting her off from her calf and then he cuts her leg off like it's god's work i guess i'm sure it wasn't an easy decision but that's great okay so he puts the cow's leg on the devil yep and now he said saint kevin go at once and i obey to you that when you meet a man or mortal the first thing you do is show that foot so they'll know from the start who you are now off with you you, you vagabond and more Irish curse words, or I'll kick your backbone straight up into your skull. Ow. Yes.

Well, the devil made a break for it because he wanted no more benedictions from St. Kevin. And not being used to his new leg, the very first step he made with it, kicked out behind against the stone. And it wasn't a cross at all back then, but they made this hole you see. And Saint Kevin took the stone and made a cross of it afterwards. But the devil didn't stop at all when the leg wouldn't go for him, when he'd seen the blessed saint coming, waving his foot about. So he rolled all over and over until he got to the wall and made a spring of it and out of sight like a ghost that's the way satan got his cloven

hoof because you see he's never learned to manage it and limps on it and they were all law so a lot of very um ableist terms and words here and though he wears a cloak is obligated to show the cow's foot whenever he talks with anyone for if he he doesn't, the leg does it itself. For it never forgot the trick of kicking. And if Satan waits a minute, up goes the cow's foot as hard and high as the last time she kicked the saint. No more did the devil ever come there again.

So the blessed Saint Kevin was left in peace to build the seven churches. And the devil wasn't ever seen in Glendalough till the day the saint was buried. And then he peeped over the hill to look build the seven churches. And the devil wasn't ever seen in Glendalough till the day the saint was buried. And then he peeped over the hill to look at the burying, but he wouldn't come down thinking it was a trick. And they do say that he's been to the best doctors in the world for him to get another leg, but they couldn't do it.

And so he must show his cloven foot so everyone knows that it's the devil himself and can run away from him before he has time to do them harm the end amazing oh i love that story well wasn't that so good that was so fun i love knowing why he why it's only one cloven hoof. I know. I thought that was so funny when I was reading that. I remembered the devil in the green coat. We were like, hoof? Hoof. Just one? Just the one?

He doesn't have two? Just the one. Just the one. And now we know the story. I love that. That's so exciting. Go St. Kevin. St. Kevin's a badass.

I did try to do some research about when um you know like people started visualizing uh you know the devil with cloven hooves or hoof but i couldn't really find anything there wasn't a lot about st kevin in it other than this story. So. Gotcha. Anyway. Incredible. Yeah. I loved that. I thought that was really fun. That's wonderful.

I'm so glad you, I'm so glad you decided to actually tell me that story. Thank you for taking the time to like actually go through and transcribe all of these, all of these words into like modern English. I tried my best. If anyone heard anything that sounded wrong, let me know. And yeah, because it was really difficult to read. I went through and just kind of. Yeah. Listeners, I just feel the need to let you know that this is how bad it was. When St.

let you know that this this is how bad it was uh when kelp when when saint kevin was having his dream it was spelled d-h-r-a-m-e in the book dream dream and snake was sarpent and like s-a-r-p-e-n-t and four was f-u-r for so it's just very um ir Irish brogue phonetics. Yeah. Hard to read without thinking about it a little bit as like a modern English speaker. Yeah. At least to read out loud for sure. And also just in your head. Some of the sentences I might have taken out completely because I had no idea what that meant at all.

Well, thank you for your efforts. That story was highly enjoyable. And it was delightful. I had so much fun. I don't have any fixes for it, honestly. You know, it's not really a fairy tale. That's more of a real Irish folk tale. I just thought it was really cute. I like the way he told it, even though some of it was problematic. Uh-huh. Absolutely. I mean, you already fixed it by deleting a lot of the, like, racist, ableist stuff. Yeah. That's a pretty good fix. Pretty good fix. Yeah, yeah. That's my fix yeah um some of the misogynistic stuff some of the misogynistic stuff was left in but that's just that was just pretty funny yeah that just made me laugh because

i haven't met that old man who's like my grandpa probably totally much like that absolutely just like casually kind of sexist oh no and not even casually just and you're like oh wow you really from a different era aren't you different times different times oh that was great thank you for telling me that story thank you for listening yeah i hope it wasn't too long okay no not at all um my story is quite short cool because i knew you were telling a longer one um i'm gonna be reading from the fearless girls wise women and beloved sisters anthology because i haven't read from that one in a little while. Edited by Kathleen Reagan. And the story that I'm reading to you today is the sign of the tassel. And the story is from Iraq.

The sign of the tassel. It's about a page and a half. So I'm going to let you go ahead and make me the usual three predictions okay i'm gonna go classic fairy tale style for this because i have no idea what to expect so i want to guess that there is a prince or princess there's a wise old person. Okay. Prediction number three. I predict that there will be birds in the story. Birds. I love it.

Birds. Important birds. Important birds. Okay. So this is the sign of the tassel. Once there was a man who married and took a wife. Every few days he would return home in a temper and she would feel badly about it, which makes perfect sense.

I also feel badly about it when my husband returns home in a temper, it's really off putting. I have beef with Steven now. So because of the ants video, because of the ant video that my god that i had to hear about horrible you didn't have to watch it at least i like couldn't stop watching it it was like a train like a train wreck you're like i just can't stop it's so horrible i hate it um so he comes back home in a temper and she and her feel bad. And so she said, oh, my husband, this will never do. You are often in a temper. You come home in a very bad temper indeed. Yes, he said, things go on in the town that upset me and I come home in a temper.

also have a very bad temper. And if we are both in a bad temper on the same day, who knows what may happen? You must give me a sign so that I'll know that you're coming home in a temper and so that I'll make allowances for you. Yes, he said. You are right. That's a good idea. Aw, they sound like a good couple. Yeah. They're communicating with each other. They've got good communication. I have read that some women paint their nails red when they're on their period to like warn their men. And I think that's so funny.

I was like, maybe I should start doing that. Just as a visual sign of just kind of like, don't provoke me. Don't at me right now. Yep. I am in no mood. I'm in no mood. Oh, this is awesome. That's funny.

I like that. Kind of a similar, definitely a similar vibe. Yeah. In this story. So anyway, so she says like, I want you to give me a sign so that I can just sort of visually see when you're coming home in a temper so that I can make allowances for you. And he says, that's a great idea. In those olden days, the men used to wear on their heads a red fez with a long black tassel hanging down at the side. So he said, I'll put the tassel of my fez toward the front on the day that I'm coming home in a temper.

And when you see the tassel hanging at the front, you'll know that I am upset. And whatever I say or whatever my words may be, you mustn't feel bad or take them to heart. Oh, that's so that's like so weirdly cute. I mean, also like probably not the healthiest way to like because you can't really help it if you're both in a like mood, but I don't know. Yeah. And also like it's not fair. I don't think it's fair to say that just like just because you know that I'm mad doesn't mean that you're not allowed to have hurt feelings if I say something. Yeah, exactly. Um, you're like me being, being in a snit, uh, about something that happened that's unrelated to your home life. It doesn't give you an excuse to come home and like be mean. Yeah, exactly.

And be generally upsetting. But you'll see. They work it out. They work it out. She said, that's a great idea. But when I am in a temper, what about that? I'll also give you a sign. She did this purposely to help him get rid of his bad habit. She told him, I'll wear a white apron. And when you see me wearing a white apron, you'll know I'm in a temper and you must put up with me. And he said, all right. They're so cute. They're adorable. I love this story so much.

She began to wait for him every day about the time of his return and to watch for him from the window. She could look out and see when he reached the top of the street if he had put the tassel to the front of his fez. I love her so much. She's a genius. Yes, that's so cute. When her husband came in and saw her wearing the white apron, he moved the tassel to the side of his fez, for it wouldn't do for both of them to be in a temper at the same time, or they might beat each other. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's a little intense. So he gave in.

so he gave in time after time once twice thrice the same thing happened until the husband said oh wife your fits of temper come at the same time as my fits of temper huh that's so weird oh my husband she said give up your bad habit and I will give up mine. A temper does no good. Allah has given human beings wisdom, but temper drives out wisdom. If you were in a temper in the city, what excuse have you for coming home in a temper? So my anger goes with yours, but I can control and put aside my temper. I beg you also to put aside yours and not to bring it home with you. And he said, indeed indeed you are quite right so from that time onward he did not put his tassel at the front

of his fez and he gave up his temper just as his wife suggested that he should and they lived happily ever after and neither he nor she gave sway to their angers oh Oh, that's so cute. That's such a good story. Thank you. I mean, I didn't write it, but I picked it. I didn't write it, but you told it beautifully. I appreciate you telling me that story. I thought that story was super charming. I liked it a lot. I liked the message behind it that just kind of like, you don't take out whatever frustrations you had during the day on the people you live with. Yeah, definitely. I mean, easier said than done sometimes probably. Totally.

Absolutely. But like, I don't know, like just kind of full transparency. Like this is actually the reason I like this story so much is this is a struggle that Steven and I have had from time to time where like he'll just kill, get really upset by something that happened like at work or on his commute home. And he'll just sort of bring that, like that temper in with him and just be generally just really unpleasant to

be around for a couple hours. And I occasionally like do the, do the exact same thing. And that was something that we actually had to work out as a couple when we were newly living together. Of just kind of like, yeah, this is just not this is not a pleasant way to live. You have to find a way to let it go. Unless I did something in which case you need to talk to me about it. But yeah, I know whenever Adam's in a bad mood, like almost instantly, it'll put me in a bad mood, or vice I know whenever Adam's in a bad mood, like almost instantly, it'll put me in a bad mood or vice versa. If I'm in a bad mood, it puts him in a bad mood. And then we're just both grumbly and unpleasant to be around.

Exactly. And it just sucks because you live with that person. You see them all the time. I really like this story. It's almost like a little marriage advice. Yeah. Folktale. No fixes for it outside of it says the word temper 50 million times, and I think that the writers should have mixed it up a little bit. Sounds like I wrote it. I do that a lot.

I get one word and I'll just keep using it. Yeah. You and whoever wrote this story. It just happens. I don't know. Yeah. Hey, but you know, that's what second looks and editors are for and a nice little um official break from the irish fairy tales yes we've officially broken our irish fairy tale streak um i'm gonna try to do i'm gonna try to do a couple stories from countries we haven't done before

or ethnic groups we haven't done before. Yeah, me too. I have a copy of the Arabian nights and I've read a couple really fun stories in that book. So I'm excited to tell those. Yeah, absolutely.

I'm really, I'm really excited to hear them and try to branch out a little bit more since we did like an entire month of Irish stories. All right. Well, that's going to do it for us today. Thank you so much for listening to Fairytale Fix. If you enjoyed the show, please subscribe. Hit that follow button. Leave us a review on Apple Podcasts if you can.

Zach is still our number one fan. Zach is still our favorite one fan. Zach is still our favorite listener. Go Zach. All glory to Zach. Yep. Thank you so much for leaving us that beautiful review on Apple. And everyone else who's written us a review, we really appreciate it. It helps people find us in the algorithm, the very mysterious and all-knowing algorithm. If you love Fairy Tale Fix and want to support us, you can get extra episodes, merch, books, and other cool bonus content at our Patreon by signing up at fairytalefix.cash. And you can find us on Twitter and Instagram

at fairytalefixpod. And please feel free to email us your favorite fairy tales, folklore, nursery rhymes, and other cool things at info at fairytalefixpod.com. And my story was perfect and I have no fix. And now we know why the devil only has one cloven hoof. And the author of the sign of the tassel or the translator or whoever wrote the story down and put it in this book, potentially, potentially Ms. Kathleen Reagan, don't use the word temper so many times in a row. There are other words for being in a pet that I would have preferred

got switched in and out. And they all lived. Except for the devil. Happily. And that cow. Ever. After. After the end.