Fairy Tale Fix - 45: Aladdin: Never Stop, Never Stopping

Episode Date: August 2, 2022

We’re back, baby! Join us for a super-sized episode of Fairy Tale Fix with Abbie reading the framework tale for 1,001 Nights (also known as The Arabian Nights) with the wildly serial killer-esque story of Scheherazade (which we have a brilliant fix for), and Kelsey reads the incredibly long but oh-so-classic Aladdin and the Wonderful Lamp.

You know, housing is getting so expensive. I keep telling Adam, maybe we should sell our house and just go buy a little shack in the woods. Build a hut, you know? With chicken legs. Why not? What's stopping you? Hello. Hello. Hello. Welcome back.

It's nice to see your face. You're looking tan. Oh, thank you. You also look very tan, very beautiful. Thank you. I spent my summer sunning myself on a rock in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea. So glorious. Sending many sailors to their deaths. Sendingending many sailors to their deaths. So many sailors to their deaths. It

was a very, very, very good time. I'm still getting used to my land legs. I know. I miss my mermaid tail just a little. Me too. It was it was very cool. I will say I like having legs. I believe in having my feet firmly planted upon the ground. Having a mermaid tail was fun for a couple months. But you know what? I still have a crushing fear of the sea and being in it. And being in it any farther than a beach where my feet can still touch the sand. So it was a good time.

That is a valid. What an adventure. All very valid. The sea is a very scary place. Thank you. It's terrifying. And it's... I believe human beings should be where there's air and ground.

She be a harsh mistress. She be a harsh mistress. Fuck, now I wish I had chosen a pirate story to come back with. Oh, man. Next time. Next one. Then we'll do pirate stories for the next episode it's a deal it's a pact i think the next episode is my birthday episode too so

yeah i don't know i just i love pirates so much everyone i just i love pirates i love them nothing wrong with that i didn't see any pirates while i was out swimming in the ocean being a mermaid. Many sailors, but no pirates. Unfortunately. Which is fine. Anyway, welcome back. We're so stoked to be back. We were gone for a couple of months. We hope you love the Patreon episodes that we released. They were a couple of our absolute favorites that we had been wishing were out in the public for a while now. So let us know what you thought of those. Yeah. And you finally, most of you finally actually get the joke now. So it's always fun listening to someone say an inside joke over and over.

I personally, I love it a lot feeling excluded you know but then you start to like become in like come in on the inside joke that happens sometimes yeah well i feel like the roland one was pretty obvious about why we hated that story so much it's nice to actually be able to hear the full thing though yep uh it's's really cute. Actually, Adam and I have an inside joke where basically our GPS was trying to kill us and take us down a road called Bear River Road. So every time Bear River Road comes up, which surprisingly, it comes up a lot. Yeah. There are a lot of places named Bear River Road.

It's so weird. And we always look at each other. And I don't know how this happened but i guess adam told his dad about this so adam's dad will randomly look at adam i guess while they're driving to work or something and be like bear river run or like i don't know it's just he's now on the in on the inside joke somehow and i think that's lovely the more the merrier it made it like a different joke and that's very endearing to me that's adorable yeah i like that it's very transformative he inserted himself into our inside joke and i think that's amazing

so now it's like it's got a couple of layers on it anyway yeah because it just kind of slowly changes the joke over time into something a little different yep exactly it just keeps going it's the joke that just keeps on giving and giving so what did you actually do for your summer vacation i spent most of it on the river tubing, you know, obviously with my mermaid tail. Wink. Wink. 1,000 winks. It was so funny because this year is especially windy. Don't worry. I'm not going to talk about the weather too much, but I will say that like it's been so especially windy in California that we... So normally, we tube down the Sacramento River and it takes maybe an hour to get to our favorite

spot where we get off and drink and hang out. And we were on the river last weekend for two and a half hours because the wind was so strong. It kept blowing us back up the river. That's crazy. It was so fucking annoying. And it was hilarious because I was just so hungry. Like I hadn't had lunch and the place we stop at has burgers. And I was just like, I need a burger. And I just kept like paddling myself down the river. Yeah. So funny that you have to fight the wind to actually let the river's current take you where it's supposed to go. Yes. We also, there's a little area that has kind of a whirlpool and you can get stuck in it on a regular day. So we, we got stuck on it. Me and my sister got stuck

on this little whirlpool. And it was so cute because the sheriffs drove by on their boat. And my sister made a joke and was like, can you give us a tow out of here? And they did. They came up to us and gave us this hook that I put on my little raft. And they towed us out of the whirlpool. It was very hilarious and really fun. Nice. Did they give you a lecture on whirlpool safety? No, they were laughing a lot and then we're like, you headed to Scotty's? So it was wonderful. Yeah, it was a great day. It was really long. I got really sun drunk. You earned your burger. It was glorious. I had to paddle so much.

I did. I earned my burger. I was so tired. And then I had, you know, a couple of drinks and I was feeling amazing. It was like perfect. And summer, you know, here doesn't end until early October. So it's still summer. Yeah.

It's still going to be summer there for a while. It's still a little summery in Maryland too. Proper fall doesn't really start until the end of September. Actually I've heard August referred to before by other Marylanders as the devil's front porch.

I feel like that's true everywhere. Yeah, I think August is just really hot. August is just really hot and August is just really hot and, in my case, muggy. It's because all the August babies are so hot. Yeah. Leo season. It's just overwhelming with all these sexy people. My birthday is August 16th.

In case no one was aware, I'm one of those weird people who loves my birthday. Not too much, I don't think. I don't think I'm one of those weird people who loves my birthday. Not like not too much. I don't think I don't think I'm annoying about it. No, no, you're not. You're very charming about it. You're not one of those people who insists that everyone celebrate all month long. Yeah. Birthday month.

I don't know. I think I've said that before, though, or birthday week. You've said it, but you don't enforce it. Like saying it is one thing. If you're one of the people that enforces it, I judge you a little bit slash don't enforce it. Like saying it is one thing. If you're one of the people that enforces it, I judge you a little bit slash don't want to be around you during your birthday month because you get a day, you get one. There's one day where you may enforce birthday, whatever that, and I will go along with cheerfully because I like you. And I do want to celebrate the fact

that you're here. It's great, but I don't even, you don't get a month. I don't even really see it as like a day that I'm celebrating me. I just see it as like an excuse to party. An excuse to throw something fun. And you do throw great birthday parties. It's why I love that you love your birthday because I love going to your birthday parties that you plan for yourself because you're really good at it. And it's a lot of fun. There's just not enough holidays in between that you get to celebrate. So I get antsy by August. Anyway.

But we're back, baby. We're back, baby. I spent my summer vacation sitting on my front porch. Oh, I love that. It was lovely. I read some books. Yeah, get a front porch. I recommend them.

That's so East Coast. It's a very East Coast thing. I sat on my porch. I drank cool drinks. I people watched. There's lots of activity on my street. I chit-chatted with my neighbors because all of us, our porches butt up against each other. And they were also enjoying the nice weather outside.

Any good books? Yeah, I'm actually going to talk about one of them. Two of them actually on the show today that I read. And then I'm making my way through this book that came out in the spring called Siren Queen that I haven't finished yet. But it's so awesome. The plot is essentially this 1930s Chinese-American starlet finds out that Hollywood is full of literal monsters and then becomes a literal monster herself to get good parts. Why does that kind of sound like our book idea? Well, that's what Maddie said. That's what Maddie said. My sibling exactly said that. She says, that kind of sounds like your celebrity werewolf book. Which we totally will write someday. We'll do it someday because it's too good an idea not to do.

That's awesome. Oh my gosh, that sounds amazing. I want to read it. It's a lovely book. It's written in this really dreamy prose. Honestly, you feel a little high while you're reading it. It's very hazy and super lyrical and very- I'm sold. I'm going to get it. It's gorgeous. It's so much fun. It's called Siren Queen. And the author is Nevo. Cool. Well, I'll link it in our show notes. Yeah, please, please do because go buy it from bookshop.org or Indie bound, Indie bound.

If Barnes and Noble is the option available to you in your area, fucking go for it. No judgment. But if you can, if you can wait a minute for Indie bound to ship you something, then you know, support local booksellers. Yeah, that sounds amazing. It was nice. I had a good time. It was a nice break. And now it's back to being hell's front porch instead of mine. So I'm back to being inside where I can escape.

But yeah, we're going to cut our inane chatter a little short today. Oh, yeah. I don't know if anybody saw. We got our first bad review. Back in June. I don't know. I totally get it. Inane, chattering, giggling.

It was so weird because my husband had asked me just like the weekend prior to me noticing it. If we had a bad review. And I was like, No, not yet. But if we get one, it'll be about our giggling, I bet. And that was accurate. It made me laugh so much. Yeah, I get it. It's not for everyone. That's fine. Absolutely. Get out of here. It was delightful you do not you do not have to listen to our podcast you might just not like podcasts very

much in general but i know the the inane chatter they were saying like the story gets lost and i can definitely see that um for someone who just wants to listen to the story and not the commentary. I totally get that. Totally, totally get it. Not, not, this is not required listening. Obviously. We also got another, another review though. Yes. Oh yeah.

I am. This one was nice. That we completely missed somehow. It was all the way back in March. When we first started begging people for more reviews. So thank you very much, person who actually did it. Here, I'm going to read it because it made me so excited to see it. But I wanted to thank Milkmaid08 on Apple Podcasts.

They said, it was a fun way to drive home from work. Abby and Kelsey will tell you a story or two and make that drive home and awful traffic better. You will laugh. You will cry. You will make other drivers wonder what is wrong with you, which is my favorite. You know,

my favorites coming up seriously though. These ladies have a thoughtful methodology for critiquing fairy tales and making a more palatable and a modern society. I've now realized that my greatest aspiration should have always been to be a witch in the woods. Yes. Which is so good. I love that so much. So thank you, Milkmaid, whoever you are. I'm sure you're on our discord. Let us know if you are. Yeah, thank you so much for that. That's really sweet. I love being called thoughtful and someone thinking that I have a methodology. Absolutely.

Makes us sound really smart. And we really appreciate you for that. I just like that we helped you discover your true passion of becoming a witch in the wood. It's what everyone's passion should be. Every single human being on the planet, if they were a witch who lived in the woods i think would be a lot happier literally the dream yeah stupid cultural society expectations and needing a job and internet and job internet and indoor plumbing and money and stuff so we just want to thank all of our patrons so much and we also want to give a shout out to our newest patron, Shanti. Shanti. We love you.

Well, that's him saying your name correctly. Let me know if that's incorrect, but we just want to thank you so much for joining us over our vacation. You are the best. And we also want to thank all of our other amazing patrons, Sarah, Hannah,

Nick, Olivia, Melissa, Ellie, Caroline, Jordan, Jeremy, Madeline, Kaylee, Zach, Kelsey, Dami, Chris, Jen, Julia, Adam, Noah, Ricky, Elizabeth, and Angel. Thank you.

Thank you all so much. I am ridiculously excited. We have something very special for you today for our first episode back. Mm-hmm. We're going to be... Can you guess what it is yet? I like to see the instrument parts. I know. I know.

Oh, God. It's Aladdin. We're doing Aladdin. Woo! Woo-hoo. I'm so excited. Yeah, me too. I've never actually read the story, So I'm, I'm really excited about it.

I've only, you know, seen, seen the Disney movies. So I'm really excited to see what they kept from it and what they scrapped. I also understand that it's very, very long. So yeah, it's a long one. Although there's a lot of dialogue. So it might go faster than I think. I can't tell. Okay, we'll find out. So the story Aladdin and the Wonderful Lamp is one of the stories in the 1001 Nights folktale collection. And the 1001 Nights has a very interesting framing story around the entire thing. So I'm going to do the framing story for 1001 Nights before we get into Aladdin. First, I want to do just like a very, very small amount

of history. It's a very, very shallow overview. If you want a deeper dive into 1001 Nights, then the fairy tellers naturally have a fantastic series on it that you should go check out if you're curious about getting more in depth into the history. I just am going to listen to the smart people over at the fairy tellers. They do. Jeff are incredible. They do really smart history. Yeah. And so go listen to that and then come back and you can listen to us goof goof off. But just a quick overview of the 1001 nights if you're not familiar it's a collection of middle eastern folk tales that were first compiled during the islamic golden age which is the 8th through the 14th centuries so it's very medieval collection uh it was collected over many centuries previous by

various authors translators and scholars across West Central and South Asia and North Africa. A lot of stories in 1001 Nights can be traced back to root stories in medieval Arabic, Egyptian, Indian, Persian, and Mesopotamian folklore and literature. So it's just a huge smorgasbord of all of the countries in that very broad region, contributing various stories that were compiled into this collection. I did think this was interesting, and you may have already discovered this looking into Aladdin, but I did want to mention that Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp and Ali Baba and The Forty Thieves, which are two of the most prominent stories from 1001 Nights, were not originally a part of this collection. They were added by a folklorist called Antoine Galland.

Who got the stories from Hannah Diab. Yeah, yeah. Who was a Syrian storyteller that came to Paris. Without credit, which is rude of gallant he's french right so yeah guy on guy i don't know whatever he was rude he was rude he was a contemporary of uh he was a contemporary of charles perot if that gives you an idea of like the time period he also actually um from what i read also conspired to get diob sent back to aleppo that's fucked up yeah fuck that guy so like so this guy comes to paris tells a couple

awesome stories and then antoine wants to claim them for himself. Yes. Wow. That's exactly right. Well, I mean, that's what it's... That is some very colonizer energy. Okay. That is what it said on Wikipedia. Anyway, so... I believe it, though.

It sounds right. That's big European energy. And Aladdin was probably published from Antoine in 1710, to give you an idea. I love the way you said that. Antoine. Antoine. Because I can't say his last name. I gave up on saying his last name. I am grateful that we do have the incredible story of Aladdin, though. So there is something

to be said for that, I suppose. I'm glad that it was included and that it's survived this long um so that we can so that we can still read it uh there are also another story that people might be really familiar with because there was a dreamworks movie made about this was sinbad and sinbad was also added to the 1001 nights sort of after the original compilation. And it had had like sort of a long storied history outside of that compilation beforehand, but then it got added into 1001 Nights afterwards. You'll also you've also you also have probably heard of 1001 Nights referred to as the Arabian Nights, which is where we where we get that.

And there are more fun stories from that book that I do plan to read. There are so many. You know, a lot of the ones that I like are really long. So that's why I haven't read them yet, honestly. Yeah, really long, really funny, really cool. Really what the fuck? It's fantastic. So that's the 1001 Nights. I'm going to be reading the framing story, which is the story of Scheherazade

for you, and I'm going to be reading it from the Richard F. Burton translation of 1001 Nights. It's called The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night. So it was published in the 1880s by Richard Burton. I thought that this was really interesting, though, because this was sort of at the height of Victorian moral decency,

strictness and various laws about that. So it actually was because there's so much sexual content in the Arabian Nights that it actually was technically pornography as far as the Victorians were concerned. So in order to read it, you had to have a private subscription to be able to read 1001 Nights. Sexy. Super sexy. I want some of those stories. Yeah, there's I mean, there's so many. There's so many of them. It's raunchy. It's it's there's

some there's some really naughty stuff in here. Ooh, we're going to get into it. We sure are at some point. I hope. No, I definitely want to. He published an original 10 volumes, and then he did an additional seven after that. Because there are 1, 1001 stories in here. So and they're all pretty long.

So it's got several volumes. And I also just wanted to briefly mention this. This is taken directly from from Wikipedia, and it's got quote marks around it. But Burton's 17 volumes, while boasting many prominent admirers, have been criticized for their archaic language and extravagant idiom and obsessive focus on sexuality they have even been called an eccentric ego trip and a highly personal reworking of the text his voluminous and obscurely detailed notes and appendices have been characterized as obtrusive kinky and highly personal oh my oh my and there's also they're based on some of the sexual content in

these stories there was also a lot of speculation about his sexuality i love it as well so we might have another chaotic victorian bisexual boy god i fucking hope so on our hands damn in the best way in the best way and and the worst way because there's also one of the criticisms of his translation is that he is that he did take a lot of personal liberties and he was trying to he was trying to sort of evoke chaucer who wrote the canterbury tales which were another like medieval collection of English stories. He was trying to evoke Chaucer with his translation and he also changed a lot of it to suit him. So it is, it is still the more,

it is still the most prevalent translation of 1001 nights. So it is what I'm going off of. And it's also what I could find on project Gutenberg's website. So that's, I'm, so I'm going with his translation, but I just want to caveat, take it with a grain of salt because it was a Victorian English boy who translated it and he definitely had his own opinions, perspectives, and agendas that went

into the translation. I'm excited to talk about that a little bit today because I read two versions. Nice. I'm excited about this. Okay. So the framing story. I'm going to summarize because it's really long, very upsettingly sexist and very upsettingly racist for a good chunk of the first part of the story. So I'm just going to briefly summarize and then, and then read it more faithfully after that. Um, so to, to quickly, to quickly summarize the first part of this framing device, there is a Sultan called Shariar and he and his younger brother, uh, Shazaman have a very close relationship. shah zaman have a very close relationship shah zaman is his second it's his second in command so shahriyar goes to visit his brother in a different city and spend some time with him

they have a great time and then the king returns to his own city to find his wife having an orgy, essentially, with a bunch of the household servants. And he naturally has them all put to death. Naturally. Obviously. And just join in. And he- It just looks like fun. Yes.

Instead of joining in, like any sensible man, he has these household servants and his wife all put to death. And he's very upset about it. He goes and he complains to his brother about how this woman has completely dishonored him. And he doesn't know what to do about going forward to sort of reclaim himself and reclaim his energy and doesn't really know how to proceed. So he and his brother do drugs. Sounds right. Yep. Definitely sounds about right. And they each have the same vision. And what they envision is a-

They're so connected. They're really close. That's cute. It is cute. They're so connected. They're really close. That's cute. It is cute. Until it's not. It's super cute until it's not cute at all. to them alongside this really frightening ifrit which is a mythological being in islamic culture they're often associated with fire and the underworld and the dead and they you know typically are sort of represented by like smoke and smoke and flame and horns. And there's essentially like these very like scary demons. So there's a scary Efreet with this very beautiful woman.

And the beautiful woman is able to subdue the Efreet briefly. Like she puts him to sleep. She like lays his head in her lap and she pets his hair and she makes him go to sleep. And then she, you know, gets, then she gets up after the Ifrit falls asleep and goes like, oh, that's my husband. Uh, but he's sleeping now. So you two can fuck me. And they are like, what? No, we're not going to do that. Your husband's right there. Why would we do that? And she's like, if you don't fuck me, I'll wake him up and make him kill you. So this exchange goes back and forth

a couple times until they finally agree to have sex with her. And so they both have sex with her. And then they ask her why she wanted that from them afterwards. And she tells them like, oh, wanted that from them afterwards and she tells them like oh um you ah see this ifrit here like he stole me i would like i was not like a willing bride for him he he kidnapped me and forced me to marry him and so now every time he goes to sleep i enjoy running around behind his back with other men just to just to really stick the knife in for this guy which honestly that sounds fair to me yeah right i get it i totally get that that makes sense uh i'm i'm happy that she's found a way to you know make this life okay for her i guess um stick it to the man stick it to the men um that's not the lesson these men take from it the lesson these men take from this encounter I guess. Stick it to the man. Stick it to the men.

That's not the lesson these men take from it. The lesson these men take from this encounter is that all women are sluts. All women will eventually dishonor you. And all women are awful and are just not to be trusted. So. Sounds like it was written by a serial killer. Doesn't it though? Oh,

oh boy. Oh, I forgot to ask you for predictions on what you thought the framing story was about. It's too late. It's too late. I've kind of heard it before. I don't remember a lot of this part, but I remember the rest of it.

I'm pretty sure. Okay, great. Well, this part was all news to me. I only knew the second half of this. Yeah. Yeah. I think I know it because you told me like probably. sure. Okay, great. Well, this part was all news to me. I only knew the second half of this. Yeah, yeah. I think I knew it because you told me, like... Probably. Okay. Well, then I'm just gonna keep going. Because yes, it gets very serial killer-y. So,

Shariar wakes up and he, you know, he still must have a wife. It's, you know, something he still wants and still needs is to have a wife. But he says that like, oh, well, you know, I'll solve my problem this way. If I can't trust women, then I will just marry a noble virgin every night. And then after we've lain together, I will kill her in the morning and marry a new virgin in the next night. Perfect. And in this manner, no woman can dishonor me.

Wow. Perfect logic. If you think about it, the man's just making sense. It's very upsetting. Wow, yeah. Yeah, I don't remember that part of the story, but... No. But I love it. tell me more okay i feel like we're on a true crime podcast now this is it's a little bit it's a little bit a false crime okay so i will now i'm now going to

sort of like read the the the story going forward to the part that we're more familiar with. So in this way, he continued for the space of three years, marrying a maiden every night and killing her the next morning till folk raised an outcry against him and cursed him, praying Allah utterly to destroy him at his rule. And women made an uproar and mothers wept and parents fled with their daughters till there remained not in the city, a young person fit for carnal copulation

that makes sense bye bye not living here anymore presently the king ordered his chief vizier the same who was charged with the executions to bring him a virgin as was his want, and the minister went forth and searched and found none. So he returned home in sorrow and anxiety, fearing for his life from the king. Now he had two daughters, Scheherazade and Daniazade, of whom the elder had perused the books, annals, and legend of preceding kings, and the stories, examples, and instances of bygone men and the stories examples and instances of gone of bygone men and things indeed it was said that she had collected a thousand books of histories relating to antique races and departed rulers she had perused the works of the poets and knew them by

heart she had studied philosophy and the sciences art and accomplishments and she was pleasant and polite wise and witty well-read and well-bred. Now on that day, she said to her father, why do I see thee thus changed and laden with care? Concerning this matter, quoth one of the poets, tell whoso hath sorrow, grief shall never last, even as joy hath no morrow, so woe shall go past. When the vizier heard from his daughter those words, he related to her from first to last all that had happened between he and the king. Thereupon she said, By Allah, O my father, how long shall the slaughter of women endure? Shall I tell thee what is in my

mind in order to save both sides from destruction? Say on, O my daughter, quoth he, and quoth she, I wish thou would gift me in marriage to this king shariar either i shall live or i shall be a ransom for the virgin daughters of muslims and the cause of their deliverance from his hands and thine so he gets super mad he obviously does not want to give his daughter up for this she says awesome badass brave feminist yes she's a fucking awesome brave badass humanist and feminist uh and doesn't and wants to save all wants to save the women of her country from from this plague well you know from a horrifying story this is becoming very empowering and i love that's why i like that's why I still like the story,

even though it's, it's horror. Like the first bits are horrifying and awful, but this, but this really brave, intelligent, well-read, well-educated,

like brave, brave woman, um, saves so many lives. Mm-hmm. Um, I fucking, I fucking like,

so I fucking like it. It's good. Yeah. He says, I will not expose thy life to such peril how dare thou address me in words so wide from wisdom and unfar from foolishness know that one who lacketh experience and worldly matters readily falleth into misfortune and who so considereth not the end keepeth not the world to friend blah blah blah more medieval chaucer talk i can totally see why people criticize burton uh-huh for translating it this way because it's just like that's my guy that sentence does not make sense to a modern english reader yeah so he's so he doesn't want her to go she says needs must though uh make me a doer of this

good deed and let him kill me as he will i shall die a ransom for others and he says how shall that profit be when thou shalt have thrown away my life and she answered oh my, it must be come of it what will. And so he finally, you know, gives in and allows her to go. Hereupon, the vizier, being weary of lamenting and contending, persuading and dissuading her all to no purpose, went to King Shariar and after blessing him and kissing the ground before him, told him all about his dispute with his daughter from first to last and how he designed to bring her to him that night and the king is very surprised because he had made an exception for the vizier's daughters um because he he loves this man this man's been a faithful servant to him and he uh was he had decided that he was going to spare his daughters and And so he's like, I, you know what I do. Like, you understand that if you bring me your daughter, I will kill her tomorrow morning. Right? Like, why would you bring her to me?

And he replies, Allah guide thee to glory and lengthen thy life, O king of the age. It is she that hath so determined. All of this I have told her and more more but she will not hearken to me and she persists in passing this coming night with your majesty so shariar says great tis well go get her ready and this night bring her to me it's very excited creep he's a fucking creep and a giant asshole and after pleading with her one more time to not, to not make him desolate with her loss. She, she still insists on going.

It says that she, Harazad rejoiced with exceeding joy and got ready all she required and said to her younger sister, Dunyazad note. Well, what directions I entrusted you when I i have gone to the king i will send for thee and when thou comest me and sees that he has had his carnal will of me uh do thou say to me oh my sister relate to me some new story delectable and delightsome the better to speed our waking

hours and i will tell you a tale that shall be our deliverance and which shall turn the king from his bloody thirsty custom so when it was night their father carried j and which shall turn the king from his bloody thirsty custom. So when it was night, their father carried Scheherazade to the king who was gladdened at the sight and asked, has that brought me my need? And he answered, I have. And they have sex and she asks to say goodbye to her sister. Her sister Dunyazad comes in and asks her for one more story before she dies uh shaharazad turns to the king and says like oh is this is this okay like will you will you permit me to tell her this story and the king says tell on because he chanced to be sleepless and restless and therefore was pleased with the prospect of hearing her story so shahrazad rejoiced and thus on the first night of the thousand nights and a night

she began with the tale of the traitor and the jinn and so the story goes on in this way where it it's it's a very storyteller type story where um like shahrazad always opens it with it has reached mine ears oh auspicious king that such and such a thing has happened. And she's able to put him off for 1001 nights because every time the dawn approaches, she cuts off her story and it's like, Oh, well you're about to murder me.

So I can't finish the story. Darn. What a shame. And she's such a good storyteller that he keeps that he's like all right all right one more night one more night yeah i'll spare your life for one more day and so then she'll so the next night she'll she'll finish her story from the previous night and start a new one and she'll never quite finish it and so she keeps this up for 1 000 nights which is about two years and seven months until finally he realizes that he's fallen in love with her and um thinks that like has changed his mind and decided that like you know he can trust her

and so he spares her life permanently and makes her his queen. And that's the framing story for 1001 Nights. It was funny because we had originally wanted that to be the framing device for our podcast. And we're both really, really glad that we didn't do that because yikes. Yikes. I am glad we did. I mean, it to say that like blue beard is a lighter story is fucking hilarious but that's it's true

though it is it is somehow because you're not right there in the midst of this person deciding oh I just need to kill a woman every night so she can't cheat on me yeah but I still need to marry and have sex

with these women. Yeah. But to make sure they can't cheat on me, I'll kill them every morning. Very serial killer-y. Yeah. Very creepy. I love Scheherazade. She is a badass. Yes.

And a great storyteller, obviously. Yes, an incredible storyteller, obviously. Yes. An incredible storyteller. My fix for that story is that she kills him instead of telling him any stories. That she just fucking kills him. She just lures him to the balcony and pushes him off or something. Or I guess she would have to convince him and then she betrays him in the worst way. Instead of cheating on him she fucking kills him and she's just clean

that's a great that's a great fix that's my fix for that story my fix is a little different because I want her to still tell all the stories yeah so my fix is that I want him at the end of the 1000 nights to realize

that he is a vicious, shallow, terrible serial killer monster. And to install Scheherazade as queen and then like remand himself to the deepest dungeon somewhere or she orders his execution or something. Yeah, oof. That's some heavy shit. I have one or two more things that I want to say before we, before we leave Scheherazade behind. Those are our fixes for the story, but I actually read two great retellings of the Scheherazade framing device

over the summer. One of them is a short story and it's from this, it's from a book called Love and Color. Oh my God. I swear someone else recommended that. Oh yeah? And I was thinking about reading it. It's fantastic.

You'll, you would love it. It's by Bolu, it's by Bolu Babalola. Uh, and she has taken a lot of sort of like famous love stories about brown and black women and rewritten them and essentially done a fairy tale fix. She has done she has rewritten them for a modern sensibility and a modern, modern retelling. So Scheherazade is the second story in this book. I'm buying that immediately. It's really good. It's a great book.

So I hope that there's about a million people out there recommending it. So yeah, we'll link it in our show notes. That's Love and Color, Mythical Tales from Around the World Retold by Baloo Babalola. And it's fucking fantastic. I also read a book called The Wrath the dawn which is a it's a ya book and it's it's a ya it's a ya retelling of shahrazad by renee by renee adea or adea and that's uh like i i think that i think that was it's also an excellent an excellent fairy tale fix-esque uh retelling of of the shahrazad framing story so um i highly recommend that one as well

that story has so much potential it really does although honestly i will say i would read it or i would love to watch a movie adaptation with my fix or after she becomes clean she just fucking kills it yeah that'd be pretty great oh no i don't think i could handle the first part that's so horrific the first part's horrific yeah like i didn't even really i wouldn't want to watch that that would just be that's not even horror movie funny that's just sad and sad and horror funny that's that's that's how i watch horror movies. Horror movie fuck. Kill those sexy teens. But it's not even kill those sexy teens energy. It's all women are bad.

Yeah. Although you know that there would be a bunch of women lining up to like be one of the wives. You know how like serial killers have fans? Fans? And like people write to come in jail and shit yeah below like met poor mentally ill people that just need to be associated with someone who's famous for something i guess i don't know totally or would want their shot at being queen of maybe maybe i'll change his mind yeah oh i bet that somehow i bet

i bet at first there were a lot of girls who were like he won't kill me yeah i bet and he would that was one that was luckily the one that worked yeah yeah um shaharazad shaharazad strategy was was a good one because he's a lucky one was a lucky one um because he was bored yeah uh and she's an excellent storyteller so yeah um but there's actually i actually i misread a sentence it's actually even grosser and weirder and i have to tell you this sentence than i thought it's it's it's towards it's towards the end i thought that i thought i the way i read it first is they summon they summon her sister to ask for a story after they've had sex. Uh-huh.

That's what you said. Yeah. That's what I said. And that's how I originally wrote it. Um, that's not how that went. Um, so it says the King took her to his bed and felt a toying with her and

wished to go into her. And she wept, which made him ask what aileth thee aside from the fact that like i'm gonna have sex with you and then murder you in the morning oh what's wrong hey baby what's wrong and uh she replied like oh king of the age i have a younger sister and I would take leave of her this night before I see the dawn. So he sent it once for Dunyazad and she came and kissed the ground between his hands when he permitted her to take her seat near the foot of the couch. Then the king arose and did away with his bride's maidenhead.

And then the three fell asleep. Oh. And then when it was midnight, Scheherazade awoke and signaled to her sister who sat up and asked for a story just a sigh and okay well okay that was a story that sorry the ending is even weirder than i um originally thought so i had to say that i also think that's the moment the wine hit me just now or maybe i don't know so aladdin story so aladdin and the wonderful lamp so the story is very long. And or this is just going to be an extra long episode.

I think it should be. Me too. It comes jam-packed. We come bearing gifts from our long hiatus. We come bearing the gifts of really long banana stories. Basically, I needed to take the time. That whole time off, I was retyping out the story because I wanted to have it on my google docs right there nice so we talked about the history a little bit um i read two different versions i read my favorite which is a choice of magic by ruth

manning sanders of course. Goddess of Fairy Tales. Although her version is extra, extra long. So a lot of this is from Andrew Lang's translated version, which it says he translated the, it was the Tales from the Arabian Nights. Yeah, he very well may have. Richard Burton did did i think like the very first unabridged translation yeah uh and it was the one that i found on project gutenberg but but individual stories have been translated like multiple times a bunch of times yeah so i kind of put these two

together but it's mostly by ruth manning sanders just because i really love the way that she writes yeah do you want to give me any predictions on how you think it's different from the okay first mostly by Ruth Manning Sanders, just because I really love the way that she writes. Yeah. Do you want to give me any predictions on how you think it's different from the, okay. First of all, let's just talk about the Disney movie for a second. Cause I know everyone knows the story of Aladdin from the 1992 version.

Uh-huh. At least, um, that I rewatched last night. I also rewatched it last night. It's so fucking good. It's very good. Like, Disney nailed this one.

Mm-hmm. Or Robin Williams nailed this one. Robin Williams nailed this one. No, the music, all the music. Oh, my God. Lea Salonga, she has the most beautiful voice if you've never she plays the voice of jasmine and she sings she also sings uh the voice of mulan she doesn't do the talking voice but she does the speaking voice she is the most incredible singer she's so professional and

she just gives me chills i am obsessed with her absolutely as you should be she's an incredible singer we've whacked i think we've we've waxed a lot we've waxed poetic about her before probably during the mulan episode it's it's worth you have to watch this i have to post this um to all of our social media there's a medley that she does of all these Disney songs. And she just has the most incredible voice. I love this movie so much. I had so much fun watching it. I loved watching it last night.

Me too. It's a really good movie. It's never a dull moment. It's like every single song is flawless. Robin Williams is flawless. jafar is a delightful villain because he's just so happy you know he's just having he's out here having a great fucking time and him and his boy iago i know they're such good friends they make each other laugh oh my gosh it's it's really good it's a very good movie. I like it a lot.

I discovered last night that it's Stephen's favorite Disney movie. Oh, it's Adam's favorite. It's a good choice. Aladdin is his first favorite, but Hercules is very, very close. Also a solid choice. Yeah. Another movie with flawless songs. It really helps when the music is just

so good. Prince Ali still gets me so excited so yeah so it'll be really fun i'll kind of talk about aladdin as we go through the story and you'll obviously feel free to interject it is different but it's also very similar like they really did take this fairy tale and honestly made it better dis Disney's version is kind of my fix. Oh yeah. Do you want to make any predictions? That's an intriguing clue. Yeah.

Cause that's all I really have to go off of. I've never read the original story and I don't think I've ever watched, um, or read a, a different, like a different interpretation. I know I gave you a spoiler on accident at one you did so i i know that there is no like big blue genie exactly um this is a different spoiler

that i think you have forgotten about i'm bust out because i don't remember it but uh yeah give me give me like three predictions for how you think it's different from the movie. I think Aladdin is younger than the protagonist in the Disney movie. To be more specific, I'm going to predict that Aladdin is like 12 or 13 instead of 16 to 17. I think the love story is barely in it. I think that it's mostly not a love story. I think that there still is one. I just think that it's a much smaller, it's a much smaller part of the story.

Okay. I don't think Aladdin marries a princess. I think he marries like, he marries a rich girl, but I don't think Aladdin marries a princess. I think he marries like, he marries a rich girl, but I don't think she's a princess. Those are my three predictions. Perfect. I love it.

Without further ado, Aladdin. I'm so excited. I love the music so much. I wish we could have it going in the background the whole time. Ruth Manning Sanders actually sectioned these out. So this portion of the story is called The Idle Boy. Once upon a time and far away in an eastern country, there lived a very idle boy called Aladdin.

His father was a poor tailor and he tried to teach Aladdin his trade, but Aladdin wouldn't learn. No sooner was his father's back turned than the naughty boy was off and out into the streets. He did nothing but romp about and get into mischief. And this so grieved his father that he fell ill and died. Oh, my God. Which is really intense. He's really disappointed in his son. Wow, that is a very intense reaction to that.

That's gotta sting. I mean, like, we've all been disappointing children at one time or another, but I never thought my mother was going to die of it. Yeah. Then Aladdin's mother wept and said, surely now you will mend your ways or we will starve. But Aladdin wouldn't mend his ways, and his poor mother had scarcely enough to buy bread. And there's actually supposed to be a song about this. They had written a song about this for the original Aladdin called Proud of Your Boy. But they wrote Aladdin's mom out of it.

So they got rid of it. Of course they did. They wrote Aladdin's mom out of it. So they got rid of it. Of course they did. Because, as I've said before, you can't have adventures if your mom is around caring about you. Well, wait and see. Well, one day when Aladdin was playing in the streets, as usual, a stranger passed by. Now you must know that this stranger was a mighty wizard who had flown all the way from Africa seeking a boy to serve his ends.

Sound familiar? Maybe. He kept his eye on Aladdin and the moment he found him all alone, he went up to him and said, Surely you must be the son of Mustafa, the tailor. So I am, said Aladdin. What of it? So Aladdin's just like a little street gangster. What of it?

Which I think is really funny. He's all tough. Who's asking? Wasn't Aladdin astonished when the wizard flung his arms around him and kissed him many times? The wizard claimed to be Aladdin's uncle and asked Aladdin to take him to his brother right away. Well, I can't do that, said Aladdin, because he's dead.

Then the wizard wept. Dead? Oh, no. I have come all the way from Africa to find him, and you say he's dead? Oh, my boy, what a terrible blow. But here, take these few small coins. Go quickly to your mother. Give her my love and tell her I will come to visit her tomorrow.

So Aladdin ran home and told his mother what had happened. Oh, my boy, what will you say next? You have no uncle. But he told me he was my father's brother, said Aladdin. He cried and kissed me. He gave me some money and send you his love he said he would visit us tomorrow confused but happy to have a little extra money the next day aladdin's mother went out and bought food and spent all day preparing supper nice in the evening the wizard came bringing quantities of fruit and wine he embraced Nice. Pray sit there yourself. But the wizard fell on his knees and kissed the sofa. Alas, my poor brother, he wept.

No, no, heaven forbid that I should take your place. But allow me, sister, to take seat the opposite the sofa so that if I may not behold my brother, I may at least behold the place where he used to sit. Wow. Which is personally giving me real Calculon vibes here. Such Calculon vibes. Yes, absolutely. Calculon from Futurama is a character that overacts.

Yeah. He goes, no. No. Very over the top soap opera acting. Uh-huh. Still better acting than Jafar, though. I still don't understand how Aladdin didn't cotton on to the fact that this man was sinister as hell. I mean, he's already giving him money.

And by this time, the wizard had quite won the heart of Aladdin's mother. And when they had eaten their supper, he asked Aladdin about his trade. Are you a tailor like your father? Aladdin hung his head and his mother answered, oh brother, Aladdin does no work at all. His father tried to teach him his trade, but he wouldn't learn. He spends all his time in the streets with bad companions.

He is an idle wretch. And I've almost made my mind up to turn him out of the doors. And with that, the poor woman burst into tears. Aww. I love his mother so much. Me too. She's very dramatic. Well, no, I mean, that's not dramatic.

Her husband died and her father, or her son's a little piece of shit. Yeah. It's his job as the man of the house to contribute to the household funds and to make sure that like the household is running at all and he's not doing it so he's an extra mouth to feed he's dead weight like yeah i mean i'd better check out this aladdin sucks yeah he is he is not the bright-eyed he is not the bright-eyed dreamer of the cartoon. They do kind of have that in the cartoon a little bit, which I really appreciate, though.

They have it a little bit, but he's at least scrappy enough to go out and steal his food. Yeah. You have to make him lovable. Lovable rascal. Exactly. So the wizard turned to Aladdin and said, Nephew, this is not right. You must think of helping yourself and your mother,

but perhaps your father's trade does not appeal to you. Come now, how would you like to keep a shop? I will take one for you and stock it with all sorts of fine stuffs. What do you say? And Aladdin was very interested and very excited about this prospect. Hmm. And this new section is called The Underground Palace.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes, please. Tell me more. I.E. The Cave of Wonders. Fuck yes. The next morning, the wizard came yet again for Aladdin. Today, nephew,

we will go into the country and enjoy ourselves and tomorrow we'll see about taking a shop for you. After a day of very fatherly advice and sharing cakes and buying him lots of goods, Aladdin much trusted the wizard.

Yeah, he's really like coming through for Aladdin in a time of, you know, I mean, I think Aladdin's obviously probably grieving for his father still and probably pretty grateful to randomly have a new father figure absolutely one that's taking such good care of him absolutely i'm just saying that the wizard's got uh you know he's playing a long game this is this is a good con he's putting a lot of work into it he is for sure i also if you ever read the ruth manning sanders version i had to cut a lot out because it is very long.

I will definitely read it after this. So they came to a narrow valley between two mountains. The wizard lit a fire, took some white powder from his purse, and muttered some words that Aladdin did not understand and threw the powder on the fire. Immediately, the ground opened, and there at the wizard's feet was a big flat stone with a brass ring fastened to it. Aladdin was frightened. He would have run away, but the wizard caught him by the arm and shook him roughly.

You fool of a boy, he cried. Am I not your uncle? Can you not trust me? Obey me and your fortune is made, but I will have nothing to do with cowards. Nice. Under this stone lies a treasure that will make you richer

than the greatest monarch of the world. Now, if you are brave enough, take hold of the ring, lift the stone and fetch your fortune. Heck yeah. At the word fortune, Aladdin forgot his fears. He's a cute kid.

And by the way, it doesn't actually say how old he is, but I think you're right. I think he is very young in this story. He seems youngish. Because usually by like 16, 17, you're like, you're a man now, you know? Yep. Yeah, I think you nailed it. I think he's like 10 or 11. Yeah.

Because it's like right around the age where like in medieval times, your mother might expect you to man up and take over the family business if your father dies. Like you should at least be apprenticed somewhere. Yeah. At that age. Which is also kind of sad calling him an idle boy because like he's a kid. Yeah. He's a baby. He's a baby. He's a baby. He's a kid. Yeah, he's a baby. He's a baby. He's a baby. He's a little baby. So Aladdin took the ring and gave it a pull, and the stone came up quite easily. Under the stone, there were steps going down, and there was a closed door at the foot of the steps. Go down, nephew, said the wizard.

Open that door. It will lead you into a palace divided into three great halls. At the end of the third hall, you will come into a garden planted with fruit trees. Walk across the garden to a terrace where you will see a niche, and on the niche, a lighted lamp. Take down the lamp, empty out the oil, and bring the lamp to me.

And the fortune, uncle, said Aladdin. Ah, the fortune. Chuckled the wizard. That will be given to you when you have brought up the lamp, i.e. you will get your reward. You will get your returnal reward. Y'all, that movie is so fucking good. oh yeah that movie is so fucking good although i and and and the the cave of wonders is also like a giant tiger with an earring yes very very cool very very cool um very much improved epic

so fucking epic okay princess jasmine has a pet tiger that's pretty fucking epic okay princess jasmine has a pet tiger that's pretty fucking epic it's i mean still my favorite thing about her they they really nailed that movie okay did a good job anyway aladdin went down the steps opened the door and at the bottom came to a came into the palace with three great halls he passed through the halls into the garden with fruit trees walked through the terrace lifted down the lamp from its niche emptied out the oil and thrust the lamp into the garden with fruit trees, walked through the terrace, lifted down the lamp from its niche, emptied out the oil, and thrust the lamp onto the front of his robe, tying his sash tightly beneath it. Much easier than in the movie.

He can actually touch things. Yeah. His pet monkey doesn't ruin it by grabbing a giant red gemstone. I'm really sad that he doesn't have a pet monkey in this. I'm a little bummed out that Abu is made up for the movie. Yeah. And Carpet. Carpet is probably my all-time favorite character from that movie.

That whole scene where he first meets them. How does an inanimate object have just the most personality of any character ever? And Carpet's such a wingman. Okay, anyway. It's a sublime character. So he's already gotten the lamp. And on his way back through the garden, he paused to admire the trees, which were glittering with fruit of every color. I do like that.

Yeah, it really does give some beautiful imagery. Yeah, I really like that. Yeah, it really does give some beautiful imagery. Yeah, I really like it. Because it's also kind of giving a little bit the 12 dancing princesses where they get followed under the ground and there's trees of gold and silver and diamond. Yeah, it's really magical. I like it a lot. Aladdin reached to pick up some of the fruit, but to his disappointment, he found that they were stones. Bummer. Indeed, though he

did not know it, they were jewels of immense value. Aladdin would have preferred figs or dates, which also makes me think he's like 10. Yeah. Like, oh man, I'm so upset that this is a diamond instead of a fig. Yeah, exactly.

They are, but also like, you know, yes, he must be a child if he's like, I want, oh, I wanted fruit. Uh-huh. It's a worthless rock. Still, he thought he would take some of the colored stones to his mother because he's a sweet baby angel who loves his mama. And he thrust into the front of his robe as many jewels as it would hold. Then he went back through the three great halls and climbed up the steps. The top step was a yard or so below the hole in the earth. Aladdin reached up his hands and grasped the edge of the hole.

Uncle, he called, help me out. Have you got the lamp? Shout out to the wizard. Give me the lamp. Yes, uncle he called help me out have you got the lamp shout out give me the lamp yes uncle then hand it up this i love how the scene is in it it's so good yeah well but in the differences the lamp was wedged down tightly under all the stones that heladen had picked up for his mom so he shouted no uncle i can't my hands are not free. I'll give it to you when I get out. You must hand up the lamp first, cried the wizard. No, uncle, I've told

you I can't. And this goes on and on until the wizard began to stamp and shriek. Aladdin felt frightened. Sure. He thought his uncle must be crazy. He tried to scramble out of the hole, but the wizard pushed him back. Mad with rage, he threw some more powder on the fire and said two magic words. The stone moved back and covered the hole, and there was Aladdin buried in the dark. Oh, my God. Uncle. Oh, no.

But the wizard had spread out his robe on either side of him like wings, flew up into the air, and never stopped flying until he reached Africa, which is amazing. That is an amazing mode of transportation. I'm really happy for him. But you went to all of that trouble to get the lamp. You had the kid with the lamp. He was right there.

I mean, and not to be cold or anything, but you can bring the kid up, get the lamp and then push him back in the hole or i mean the kid totally trusts you you could have just pulled him back up got the lamp even took him back to his mom and said well pockets full of diamonds i mean he's he's not the smartest wizard i think he he was just- A very dramatic wizard. Calculum. He was a frenzy.

All I can see is Calculum. You're welcome. Oh my gosh, yeah. He's just, he's letting his emotions, he's very emotional. He is a very emotional man. Not to be,

not to be trusted. I also love the line, never stopped flying until he reached Africa. When he reached Africa. Like, he didn't even stop to rest. He was just so upset. Never stop, never stopping.

All the way to Africa. Then indeed, Aladdin, as he wept and hammered at the stone with his fists, knew at last that this pretended kind uncle was no other than a wicked wizard. But what good was that knowledge to him now and why had the wizard wanted the lamp what aladdin could not know was that the wizard had read in his magic book of a wonderful lamp that would make him the most powerful man in the world by his spells he had found out where the lamp was and learned too that he could only receive it from the hands of another person.

And so he had flown from Africa and picked out poor foolish Aladdin to serve his ends, meaning to get the lamp from him, push him back into the hole and leave him there to die. You could have done. You wouldn't even have to kill him. No.

You could just get the lamp and then you could be best buddies. Yeah. Well, but then someone would know that he had it and could maybe like have that information tortured out of him by rival wizards okay maybe i don't know rival rival wizards i want to see that movie too that sounds awesome as soon as i said it i'm like

is there another story in the book of the thousand nights and a night if i that have uh you know you know rival wizard far was literally already a sorcerer and i want to know more about that like everybody's always talking about ursula's backstory which i also want to see i want but jafar has potentially a great backstory i bet he's got a fantastic backstory i would love to see i i'm so i'm still tangent tangent alert i alert. I am still angry to this day that we got a Cruella live action movie before we did Ursula or Jafar. Come on. I don't want to learn more about the puppy killer lady. I want sea witches.

I actually haven't seen Cruella. But going off of the Maleficent background story I don't want to hear the sap story I just want them to be fun and evil and I want to see Jafar meet Iago as a little baby parrot and they become besties evil besties same with Ursula and her two eels I'm sorry I can't remember the name. Obviously, I like Aladdin way more than The Little Mermaid. Flotsam and Jetsam. Flotsam and Jetsam.

Yep. I want that. And I want the whole spurned lover thing with King. Because the thing is, I don't want the sob story. I don't care if they had a hard childhood. I want to know why they're so evil. I would riot if Ursula is not a lesbian. Fine.

I will riot. Facts. Absolutely. Okay. Spurned best friend. Maybe Triton took her girlfriend away or something. Heck yes. Yes.

Absolutely. I don't know. I don't see them together personally. No, you're right. Or maybe Triton was a bully to her. I don't know. Ursula's clearly cruel. I don't really want Triton to be bad either.

No, I think it's like a, you know, I want to see the Friends to Enemies movie, you know? Tragedy. Yeah, I like that. I want to see the friends to enemies movie you know tragedy and misunderstandings and maybe some steal your girl action what if he stops being friends with Ursula because his new wife doesn't like her or something well let's workshop this later

we'll just write it it's fine we'll add it to our werewolf celebrity series. Ooh, if anybody else has a really good backstory potentially for Jafar or Ursula, please let us know. Let us know. What's your fan? Oh, send us your fan fiction. Oh, please do.

Oh, I want it so bad. Anyway. Especially for me, for Jafar. Anyway, anyway, anyway. Back to Aladdin. So Aladdin beaded the stone until his fists were sore. I mean, how terrifying would that be? And then he groped his way down the steps and felt for the door.

Perhaps if I can get into the garden, I shall find another way out, he thought. But the door had slammed shut and there was no opening it. And in all fairness, Aladdin freaked the fuck out. It says that right there in the text. Right there in the text. He freaked the fuck out. Ruth Bannick Sanders really got that one. I kid.

But he sat with his head in his hands and he rocked himself to and fro. He clapped his hands together felt the ring the wizard had given him and in disgust thought to pull it off his finger but no sooner than he had rubbed the ring there came a flash of light an the genie. I am the slave of the ring and will obey thee in all things. Take me out of here, whoever you are, cried Aladdin. And sadly, what? No musical number? He doesn't have to sit him down and explain the rules. He doesn't have to sit him down and explain the rules he doesn't have to sit him down and be like there's some proviso some quid pro quo i can't bring anyone back from the dead i don't like doing it i don't like doing it which you know what indicates to me that he can he can he can do it

but but genie sets boundaries he does and know what? He probably can make someone fall in love with you, but it also just makes them uncomfortable. He doesn't like it. Yeah. King of consent. Yeah. I love that song so much. It's a banger.

I literally get chills. Like I was watching it last night and I just love that song. There's also a version that Neo does of that song that I love equally and listen to it often when I go run. He does do a good one. And the music video is excellent. There's a little jazz in there. It's very nice. I am going to post that to our social medias as well.

Oh, I want to see it. So good. Disney really nailed that part aladdin had scarcely said the words before he found himself in a valley between the two mountains standing on the very spot where the wizard had kindled the fire the fire had gone and the hole in the earth had gone there was nothing but smooth grassy ground aladdin set off running and ran and ran until he reached home and there at his mother's door, he fell down in a faint. So I think this is really funny because in Andrew Lang's version,

Aladdin is very brave about all of this. And when the genie just takes him straight home, he's like totally fine. He's just like, take me out of here. And he's all brave propaganda, which is like the version that the man translated i do think that's funny versus ruth manning sanders where i don't think she translated it but she definitely

retold it and probably a more um realistic to a child yeah way to just child i mean fucking anybody like stuck in a hole and like. Fair enough. Absolutely. And now there's a monster. I'd be wetting my pants like. Yeah. Jeez. And this section is called the slave of the lamp.

So I am going to point out that the genie beforehand was the slave of the ring. So just keep that in the back of your mind are there two genies maybe okay when aladdin's mother had brought him to his senses with burnt feathers which is like smelling salts i had to look this up because I was like, what? So apparently it creates a really pungent smell to kind of revive somebody. And plenty of cold water. He told her all that had happened, and then he asked for some food. Alas, my poor boy, said his mother. I have not even a bit of bread to give you,

but I have spun a little cotton and I will go to sell it. No, said Aladdin. Keep your cotton for another time. Here is this old lamp. I will go out and sell that. Which I already feel like is kind of his little growth. Yeah, absolutely. He's getting some character development. Yeah. After all he just went through, he's like, no, mom, I'll take care of it, which I think is really sweet. And I think the wizard for all of his faults did perhaps shame him a little bit into getting his act together. Oh, yeah, definitely.

So Aladdin's mother took some sand and water to clean the lamp as it was very dirty. But no sooner had she given it one rub than there was a flash of light and an enormous genie rose out of the ground what wouldest thou said the genie i am the slave of the lamp and will obey thee in all things no no go away cried the terrified woman and flung up her arms before her eyes but laden snatched the lamp away from her i am hungry hungry, he said. Bring me something to eat. So Aladdin's getting a little braver. Yep. I get that.

He's hungry. Yeah, absolutely. You say anything you say? Food, please. They worked with the last one, so. The genie vanished at once and appeared again, carrying a silver tray in which there were 12 silver dishes filled with delicious food and six large cakes, two flagons of wine and two silver cups. He placed the tray down on the carpet and disappeared.

Well, that was a meal. They ate until they could eat no more. And then they had enough over to last them till the next day. And when the food was gone, Aladdin sold the silver dishes and brought more food and when that was gone he rubbed the lamp again and bade the genie bring them food and clothes and everything that they needed so it's definitely not specified to three wishes yeah it's just whoever possesses these items commands the genies mother he said we shall never want again. We have two slaves to serve us with all that we can desire, the slave of the lamp and the slave of the ring.

And so Hina's mother lived in comfort for several years. I feel like that's kind of part one of the story. But I really love that. Well, I find it really interesting that they call themselves, you know, the slave of the lamp and the slave of the ring. And I also think Disney really fixed that because they made that a whole plot line. Yes. Where the genie wanted to be free because he was literally a slave.

And I thought that was so cool that they added a portion where, you know, Aladdin had to choose to either have another wish or to set somebody free. And I just I think that's so great. Yeah, I really like that they that they changed that part of the story. I think that's that's a really good change that they actually explicitly mention it and mention it as like something that is not desirable. Yeah. Like he straight up has these he like points to his little wrist cuffs like he's totally bound. Yeah. Like he straight up has these, he like points to his little wrist cuffs, like he's totally bound. Yeah. I just, I love that whole part of the storyline. I love it.

So I take it that does not happen in this story. Well, it doesn't really come up. The genies aren't really like characters. They're just kind of there. Mm-hmm. Again, that's just really what I feel like they did right. Absolutely. Nailed it. I love that aspect of it.

And I like that Aladdin and genie are friends. Mm-hmm. Because Aladdin's just a genuinely good person. And honestly, also really lucky that genie is a genuinely good. Cause you don't have to be, you can be like Jafar and be an evil genie. Yeah. I was telling Adam when we watched it last night, I was like,

what if genie was just fucking evil and a student? I was like, Aladdin, like freedom. He killed everyone. I don't know. Yeah. There's a lot of trust.

It's an awful lot of trust that you won't like absolutely that you want to absolutely murder everybody i said the same thing to steven last night and we were re-watching it after he releases genie i was like man he's lucky genie's nice yeah like a genuinely good being overall like because it also reminds me of every book that i have every every book that i've ever read that involves like demon summoning in some way or like or like uh using a demon to do things for you is like as soon as that thing gets loose it's murdering you uh-huh like you're fucked you're fucked i've often wondered that about like about the genie the genie thing too it's kind of like if

they ever get freed they just go on like a justified murderous rampage yeah because they are literally slaves i think most of the genies or i think they're usually called jinn in any other kind of folklore that I've come across with them. They're not happy or, you know, they don't love it. You know,

they're not Robin Williams being silly and making, doing impressions and stuff. Yeah. They're, they're pissed and they usually fuck up your wishes too. Right. Like, yes.

Like you have to be very careful with the wording of your wishes and so many, and so much other folklore and other, and other like other like books and novelizations of genie stories. Don't leave any loopholes because they will find a way to kill you with it. I kind of love that version too, though. I like the idea of genies having different personalities. of genie is having different personalities. All right.

Part two. And this section is called Sorry, Abby. The Princess. Damn it. All right. Well, I'm one point. I've got one point so far.

Yeah, you do. Good for me. And Aladdin grew up up so another reason you know he was definitely a kid he no longer wanted to romp about the streets he would now like to improve himself and he visited the shops and the merchants listened to their talk examine their wares and to his astonishment learned that the fruits that which he had plucked from the trees in the underground garden and which he thought were colored pebbles were in reality precious gems of the most value. Crazy.

He saw that none of the merchants had jewels to equal them, which also makes me think he didn't give them to his mom right away. Because she would have known. Come on. She would have told him immediately like those are rubies kid yeah yes i'll take those those aren't for you one day as he was walking in the city a messenger passed through the streets ordering all the people to close their shutters and keep within doors whilst the sultan's daughter went to and from the bathhouse aladdin thought he would like to see the princess's face, for he had heard that she was very beautiful.

But it wasn't easy to see her face because she went veiled. So what did Aladdin do but hide himself behind the door of the bathhouse and peep through a hole? Sure. Creepy. Like a fucking pervert. Yep. sure like a fucking pervert yep the princess lifted her veil as she went in her veil in quotes i feel like she was definitely naked

she's in the bathhouse i mean well i mean you know she she she lifted her veil she disrobed so she could get in the water but she traveled there probably you know wearing I know, but he's looking at a hole in the bathhouse. Yeah. She has to take off her clothes when she gets in there. Yeah. And Aladdin's a pervert. He's a pervert. Okay.

Sorry. No, she's like, she's naked when she gets in the water for sure. Yeah. He's a, he's a gro- he's a peeping Tom. He's terrible. Yeah. God damn it, Aladdin. This Aladdin sucks.

You were so cute. And then. And she looked so beautiful that Aladdin fell in love with her there and then. Yes. Love. That's what that is. She's smart and fun. Punctual. Beautiful. When he went home, he was so pale and thoughtful that his mother was frightened for him i've seen the princess said aladdin for one second threw a hole in the wall while she was bathing because i'm a fucking creeper and now i love her so deeply that i cannot live without her because i'm a mess of a person i will ask her in marriage from the sultan. And his mother burst out laughing and called him mad. Yep, that's fair. Because she's much smarter. Yeah. I love her so much. His mom

is such a character in this. I really appreciate it. Yeah, they didn't have to write her out. She's in it the whole time. She's in it the whole time. And I love that she's got so much of a personality of her own, which mostly amounts to laughing at him. And like crying over him and just being like, you fucking kid. What are you? What is there something wrong with you, kiddo?

I love her so much. Me too. But Aladdin said with all the audacity, why shouldn't I marry the princess? I have the slave of the lamp and the slave of the ring to help me. And what's more, those stones that I plucked

from the trees in the garden are jewels fit for the greatest monarch. I will offer them to the sultan. Uh-huh. Yeah. You haven't shown them to your mom yet. Maybe she didn't recognize them. I don't know.

He's talking about them like she knows that they exist so anyway so anyway so he convinces his mom to take the jewels to the sultan and basically asked the sultan for the princess's hand the sultan was in raptures never never in my life have i seen such jewels he said my good woman yeah he's i like this sultan he's very classic fairy tale king gotcha we're like a peasant like a like a merchant class person can just like pop in on him uh-huh and say like and he's delighted by it and he's like amazing gemstones.

Do you want my daughter in half my land? Here you go. In half my land, absolutely. For these rocks, no problem. Surely you must have some request to ask in return. Come, tell me what it is. So he's also,

he's not stupid, he knows. Sure. Monarch of monarchs, it is my son aladdin he has fallen in love with the princess your daughter so great is his love that i feared he would die if i did not come and ask you for her hand in marriage but i pray you forgive him and me the sultan turned to his grand vizier enter Enter Jafar II. Jafar II. This is a different person. Okay, but I'm assuming also evil. Well, I mean, you tell me.

Okay, all right. You listen and you tell me. What do you say? Asked the Sultan. Ought I not bestow my daughter on the one who values her at so great a price? Now the Grand Vizier had a son of his own, and he wanted his son to marry the princess. Sure. So he begged the Sultan to decide nothing for three months.

And by that time, he said, I hope my son will be able to offer your majesty a little more valuable present. Which doesn't sound evil. That sounds totally fair. Yeah, that sounds totally fair. It probably makes more sense as like, you know, a match for the princess anyway. present. Which doesn't sound evil. That sounds totally fair. Yeah, that sounds totally fair. It probably makes more sense as like, you know, a match for the princess anyway. Right? The sultan, who was greedy for riches, said to Aladdin's mother, good woman, go home and tell your son that I cannot allow my daughter to marry anyone for at least three months. At the end of that time, you may come again and let the bidding

begin aladdin's mother went home with the news and aladdin was overjoyed he thought about the princess day and night and marked off every day as it passed as one day nearer to his heart's desire but during those days the grand vizier was not idle. Sure. Like shitty lazy Aladdin. Of course not. Who just has two like eternal servants seeing to his every whim so he doesn't actually, he still doesn't actually have to do anything. Yeah, exactly. Honestly, he's

gonna make a bad sultan. The Grand Vizier's son is probably at the very least fairly well educated. Uh-huh. Yeah. This Aladdin kind of sucks. Yeah. Also quick note,

um, something else I prefer in the Disney version of this story, uh, people actually ask the princess what she thinks about the people who would like to marry her and seem pretty willing to abide by her saying no. They make such a big deal of her being like feeling like she can't choose who she loves yet they keep bringing different people by maybe jasmine in the movie kind of well she doesn't suck but well yeah i think it's because like she feels forced into it because she has to marry someone that's been made very clear to her is that like she does have to get married she has to marry someone that's been made very clear to her is that like,

she does have to get married. She just, she just gets to pick who it is, but it has to be a Prince. That's the problem. That's the problem is it has to, is it has to be a Prince, but,

but I'm just saying is, you know, people come by, they throw themselves at her and she sends them packing and she's allowed. Totally fair. I like that. I do like that. It's an improvement on this story where she gets peeped on in the bathhouse and suddenly she might have to marry that guy.

Yeah, she's not really involved at all. Boo. Okay. So the Grand Vizier was not idle. He sold his lands. He pawned everything of value he possessed. was not idle. He sold his lands,

he pawned everything of value he possessed, and in two months' time, he was able to go to the Sultan with an ivory chest crammed full of gold coins. And since the Sultan had already had Aladdin's jewels, he thought he might as well have the Grand Vizier's gold also. And he agreed that his daughter should marry the Vizier's son. But he felt rather ashamed of himself. He should.

So he kept the marriage a secret until the very day of the wedding. Classic fairy tale king. Wow. On that day, so the day of the wedding, Aladdin's mother went out to buy oil and found the streets crowded with excited people. As soon as she found the reason

that the princess was to marry the vizier's son, she ran home. Oh, my son, you are undone. This night, the grand vizier's son is to marry the princess was to marry the vizier's son she ran home oh my son you were undone this night the grand vizier's son is to marry the princess and aladdin's mom loves drama i can tell hell yeah super like you'll never guess what i just found out go get her kid aladdin went to his bedroom took the lamp, and summoned the genie. Aladdin bade the genie bring the princess and vizier's son to him at midnight after they were married. The genie obeyed. Kinky?

I know, right? This could have been a lot more fun. I wish. Maybe if we had been reading the other version. Maybe. The other translated version. other version maybe the other translated version sure enough at midnight the genie appeared again bringing with him on the bed which the princess and the vizier's son were lying were they frightened indeed they were as they should be because what the fuck what the fuck

aladdin told the genie to take the vizier's son outside into the cold until daybreak. And at once, the genie and the vizier's son vanished, and Aladdin was alone with the princess. Don't be afraid, said Aladdin. I'm not going to hurt you. Take your rest. I will keep guard. So Aladdin stood at the door of the room until daybreak with a sword in his hand. I bet she got a very restful night's sleep

but the princess spent a miserable night because fucking of course she did what yes and at daybreak the genie appeared again carrying the bridegroom on his back lay him down on the bed said aladdin Yeah. Aladdin is a hilariously simple person. He's like, oh, hey, baby, what's wrong? This is the weirdest solution. He didn't do anything before they got married. It was like, oh, after they're married and I'm just going to traumatize them both. Yeah. I'm just going to send one of them away with a genie for the night. And then the other one, I'm going to be like, oh, you seem stressed out.

You clearly need your rest. Don't worry. I'll be standing right here with a sword. Just watching you while you sleep, probably. So yeah, so this part is really funny because like the princess Jasmine, I'm just her name is Jasmine. She like goes to tell her mom about what's happened and her mom's like, you're fucking crazy. You were dreaming. And it happens for like two more nights and it keeps happening until the vizier son finally says, fuck this and begs the sultan to cancel the marriage.

And the sultan does because they never consummate astonishment yeah aladdin keeps aladdin keeps whisking them away so it it worked but okay anyway it is a little clever in that sense of like, I'm not here to try to make this forbidden love for the two of you. I'm just here to be so annoying that you just don't want to get married anymore. Yeah, pretty much. So I guess, did he do anything wrong? I don't know. I'm not sure.

I feel like he's a weirdo. I don't love that. Me neither. All right. What was the next part called this section of the story is called new lamp for old which i think is cute on the very day that the three months were up aladdin sent his mother to the palace to remind the sultan of his promise the greedy sultan was unsure and requested like a million more things to prove his worth. So Aladdin rubbed the lamp and Bay the Genie produced the gold trays and jewels and servants. And here is where they come storming the palace in glittering garments, carrying jewel-filled trays on carpet.

Nice. And wowing the crap out of the sultan. Yes. It's the Prince Ali moment. Prince Ali, fabulous he ali abama so that part actually happens in the fairy tale awesome i love that that's fantastic the sultan was crazy impressed of course sure and tells aladdin's mother that he accepts she went home with a joyful news and aladdin again summoned the slave of the lamp to basically do Aladdin's whole giant parade all

the way to the palace. No sooner said than done with no thanks or even a little friendly banter between Aladdin and the genie, which is what I wrote in my notes because I'm very disappointed. Aladdin's not like, Hey, how are you by the way? Doesn't care.

Poof. What do you need? Poof. What do you need? So Aladdin all dressed up with hella servants sent out for the palace with his mother and all of the people ran out of their houses to see him pass by and when the servants flung up all the pieces of gold among them everyone cheered till the streets rang and rang. Because he's generous. So generous. Aladdin summoned the genie to build a palace,

basically next door to the Sultan's, and it was finished by the next day. Okay. It was such a palace as had never been seen in the world before, built of gold and silver with gleaming and precious stones. And now Aladdin said he was ready to marry the princess, but only if she were willing. Yay.

That's nice. I wonder if Ruth Manning Sanders slipped in there. Which I am sure is exactly from Queen Ruth Manning Sanders. Judging by the tone of the framing story, I don't think the original story probably gives a shit. Although the original story wasn't in the original. That's fair. One thousand and one nights. So.

True. Who's to say? Who's to say? Well, the princess was willing. The wedding was held amid great rejoicing and Aladdin and his princess lived happily in their palace for some years. But far away in Africa. Yes! Dun, dun, dun!

Yes! The wizard was still yearning after the wonderful lamp. God, it's been like 10 years at this point. Yeah, well, he wants that fucking lamp. Who can blame him after casting many spells and burning a lot of magic powders he learned that aladdin instead of dying underground had married the princess and was now living in royal splendor unmitigated gall uh-huh and he knew that aladdin could have only succeeded in doing all of this with the help of the lamp.

Because he's lazy as fuck and there's no way that he was going to do this by himself. And he does my favorite thing that he does. He spreads out his robe and flew all the way until he came into the Sultan's city. He's just a giant bird. Perfect. He's just a giant bird. Perfect. Now, unluckily, Aladdin had just set out on an eight days hunting expedition so that the wizard had plenty of time.

He disguised himself as a peddler, just like he does in the movie. And he went to a coppersmith and bought a dozen bright copper lamps. With these, he hastened to Aladdin's palace and began walking about under the windows, calling out, new lamps for old, new lamps for old. A crowd gathered, new lamps for old, mocked the crowd, and pelted the wizard with stones and mud, which is fucking rude. What? Yeah, they're making fun of him because he's offering new lamps for old lamps. Right, which is foolish. Agreed. But, you know, don't put the pelton with stones in mud.

Why throw rocks at him? Geez. Wow. And the princess heard the uproar and sent a servant to find out what it was all about. And she came back laughing. Madam, she said, there is an old fool outside offering to exchange new lamps for old do you think you could possibly mean it i just so happen to have a gross fucking old lamp lying around that my husband won't get rid of uh-huh oh my god it's like you with your chairs.

New chairs for old. Y'all, my husband, Adam, the love of my life has just the apple of his grandmother that I fucking hate with a passion that I cannot describe. They were like the ugliest set of chairs and dining table and I want to throw them in front of a train. But he loves them so much. That's literally what just went through my head. Amazing.

And that is exactly what happens. The princess is like, hey, I've got an old lamp hanging around, which I hate that Aladdin didn't actually just tell his wife about the lamp or hide it or something or keep it with him. That's valuable shit to be lying around. So the servant took the lamp and ran down to the peddler

and said, give me a new lamp for this. And the peddler snatched up the lamp and ran down to the peddler and said, give me a new lamp for this. And the peddler snatched up the lamp and the crowd jeered. The peddler bade the servant take her choice out of his basket. And when she had picked out a shiny new lamp, he threw the rest of the copper lamps among the crowd and hurried away. Did you take these? I feel like that could have been in the movie and it would have been funny. That would have been pretty great.

I would have enjoyed that. Although I do really love Iago dressed up as a flamingo. That, yes. And the flamingo staring at him all lovingly. And then he's like, what are you looking at, Pinky? That was surprisingly funny. Because I haven't seen i haven't seen the cartoon in a while and i i could not believe how hard i still laugh at that joke

like i it's because the flamingo is so stupid which like his tongue hanging out of his mouth and iago's just his anger issues i have to talk more about Iago after this story. Which I know this is already so long, but I care. It's our podcast. Okay. After the story though. Okay.

So certainly the poor fellow was mad. She said, carrying up the new copper lamp up to the princess. And that night in such a lonely place outside the city gates, the wizard took the wonderful lamp out of his robe and rubbed it. A flash of light and the genie appeared. Master, what is thy will? Take up Aladdin's palace and the princess and myself and carry us to Africa.

And whiz, off went the palace wizard lamp and all nice, which I think is hilarious and kind of happens in the cartoon. The genie picks up the, the whole palace and just moves it. Yeah. Puts it on the, puts it on the top of like the cliff.

Yeah. Yeah. So I, I love that imagery. I love that. They kind of kept that in just a little bit they found they kept in a surprising amount of the story yeah definitely so this part of the story is called the slave of the ring he's got one genie left did the wizard not know about this one like he didn't know that there was a ring too he he's the one who gave aladdin the ring but i think he's completely forgotten about it he must

not have known that there was a genie in it then and if he already had a genie like why did he want a second one yeah is that maybe the lamp genie is more powerful somehow i think it doesn't say that at all but i think you just didn't know that the ring genie... That the ring had a genie in it. Yeah. Well, the next morning, the sultan looked out his window and what was this? No palace?

He sent the grand vizier and said, I pinched myself. I can't be dreaming. Look out the window. What do you see? The vizier looked out the window. Monarch of monarchs, he he cried i kind of love that phrase great googly moogly yeah i see an empty space where aladdin's palace should be that fellow

is a rogue i always knew it send for him bind him and put him to death the sultans went to his guards they met met Aladdin coming back from the hunt, bound him in chains and led him to the palace. And the common people, who loved Aladdin, which is super cute, followed him in a great crowd and pushed their way

shouting into the courtyard. Aladdin stood before the sultan and the sultan wouldn't hear a word from him, but called the executioner and the sultan wouldn't hear a word from him but called the executioner and bade him cut aladdin's head off oh geez but i know poor aladdin he doesn't know what the fuck is even going he doesn't even know this palace is gone yet no he's just like oh jesus oh shit what but just as the executioner raised his scimitar the grand vizier came rushing in shouting stop stop the people have

overpowered the guard they are scaling the walls and breaking down the doors to rescue aladdin they are armed and we shall all be murdered so basically they riot and save aladdin's fucking life so aladdin wants to know what he did and the sultan screams at him your crime false wretch follow me and I will show you and he took Aladdin to a window and pointed to the place where his palace had stood where is your palace he cried and where is my daughter he was just gonna murder him without even like showing him what had happened or asking him like did you know about this did you happen to move your did you happen to make your whole palace disappear yeah this sultan is not as soft and cuddly which is which is fine that's it's still kind of fun he is kind of equally silly and

gullible yes yeah totally like they definitely i think they made it they made it cuter and more kids movie-ish but but they definitely kept the spirit of the character i think which is like this man is out to lunch he is not paying attention he's out to lunch so good that's that's the perfect description for him al Aladdin was too astonished to say anything for a while. Aladdin eventually asked for 40 days to return his daughter. He's asking for a return policy. Or if he couldn't find her, his life wouldn't be worth living anyway.

Oh. So for three days, Aladdin wandered about seeking the princess, getting no news of her, finding no trace of her. On the fourth day, he came to the banks of a river. He was so miserable

that he thought he would throw himself in. But flinging up his hands to ask forgiveness of heaven, he caught the sight of the ring on his finger. Did he forget that there's a genius ring? Yes, 1,000%. Maybe that's like a spell that's on the ring is that the bearer of the ring forgets there's a genie in it. That is the only logical explanation because this poor genie of the ring just keeps getting like forgotten about.

Yeah, like, hello. I'm right. I'm right here. What a fool he felt and was honestly. Yeah. Not to have thought of the ring before he rubbed the ring and there was a flash of light and the slave of the ring stood before him. Master,

what is that? I will bring me back my palace and my wife, but the slave of the ring answered master. That is not my power. One genie may not interfere with another's work. You must ask him of the lamp. I like that they know each other, too. I like to think that they're frenemies, like they're trying to outdo each other.

And everyone just keeps forgetting about the genie of the ring. I wonder if maybe now that that's on purpose because it's a way to try to make the other genie do more work. Seriously. Oh, yeah. He's way to try to make the other genie do more work. Seriously. Oh, yeah. He's like, no, that's the other one. Like, no, go ask the genie. Go ask him with a lamp. I'm a.

Don't just forget about me again. So Aladdin asks him to take him to where his palace stands. And instantly he finds himself in Africa on the outskirts of a great city. and instantly he finds himself in Africa on the outskirts of a great city. And there was this palace before him and he just happened to be standing under the princess's window. Nice.

The princess told Aladdin of a secret door up to a room where Aladdin ran in. There they were now clasped in each other's arms. Aw. Tell me quickly, my princess, what has become of my old lamp? Alas, alas,as said the princess this trouble is all my doing no it's aladdin's doing he should have told you he should have told you what the

lamp was and then you wouldn't have you know thrown the lamp away yeah because if something's important to you to you got to tell your wife you got to tell your partner adam if something's important to you you got to tell your wife because she's going to throw it away i promise so you let me know if they're adam tell tell kelsey if the chairs secretly have genies in them yeah otherwise they're getting hit by a train. But oh my gosh. Someday. Anyway. She tells Aladdin that the lamp is hidden in the wizard's robes. My princess. We will beat him. A much more sensible place to keep it, in my opinion.

Absolutely. But Aladdin's not worried. He says, my princess, we will beat him. I'm going into the city and I will come back at noon and beg that my secret door will be opened at my first knock. So away went Aladdin. He changed his clothes with the first peasant he met and he walked up into the city and went to a druggist's shop.

There he bought a special powder. Uh-huh. And after that, he went back to the princess it definitely wasn't cocaine and after that was it the kind of special powder that the king from the framing device took with his brother you'll see drugs and after oh yeah so he goes back to the princess and the princess was waiting at the private door and let him in at his first knock. My princess, put on your most beautiful garments, aka that red outfit from the movie. Smoking hot in that red outfit.

I mean, can we just like take a second to talk about how great that outfit is it's like the same as her blue one but it doesn't have the shoulder things it's just a top yes and red is personally my favorite color so i genuinely as a child was wondering the whole time why she didn't just wear that all the time javar clearly has better fashion sense. Obviously has better fashion sense. He's got a really cohesive look and a signature look that he's always in. And I actually really love her hair

in that ponytail and I really love... Lady looks good in a crown. Oh, goddamn she does. Instead of that little headband thing with the jewel. I mean, it's a cute headband and I like her hair. I like her hair in that sort of like down, down do too. But good ponytail, good crown, beautiful color on her.

Yeah. The color with her skin tone, she just- Matches her lipstick. Oh man. So, so super hot. So beautiful. lipstick oh man so so super hot so beautiful i i've seen a lot of memes about how that outfit just awakened the sexuality of so many kids and i feel like that is also true for me yes because god damn it's and her boobs look incredible in it. So sexy. Just.

I kind of want that outfit. I wish. And I like the big pants. You can pull off the outfit. I like the big pants because I got thick thighs. So I like that like she's really skinny, but like they gave her big hips and thighs. The big pants give some like weight to her. Yeah. Yeah.

Round. Anyway. So that's the outfit he's telling her to wear. And. Specifically. And when the wizard comes to visit you, receive him with smiles. Let him think you've forgotten me. Invite him to supper and say that you would like to taste the wine of his country.

Your beard is so twisted. She starts talking about his eyebrows too. That whole scene is amazing. If you've never like paid attention to the background stuff Jasmine is saying, go watch the movie. It's hilarious.

She's really quick on the uptake and knows how to play along and i really jasmine is smart as a whip i fucking love her so there's also a little part in here where aladdin's basically whispering in her ear so we don't know what's going on but he's telling her to do something okay and the princess dressed herself with a girdle of emeralds and a crown of diamonds and she sent a servant to bid the wizard come to her my lord she said when the wizard came in since all my tears will not bring aladdin back to me i have made it my mind to mourn no longer and invite you to sup with me

if such be your pleasure the wizard was amazed and delighted for up till now, the princess has spent all of her time crying, which yeah. Yeah. It's his turn to do the, Hey baby, what's wrong? Yes,

precisely. Now, when she said she would like to taste some of the wine of Africa, he rushed to the cellar to fetch it. And whilst he was gone, the princess put the powder Aladdin had given to her in her own cup and poured some wine into the cup. And when the wizard came back, she held up the cup to him. My lord, she said, will it please you to drink my health and the wine of my country? And I will pledge you in the wine of your country.

And so we are reconciled, said the wizard. He took the cup. You fool. Such a fool. He took the cup from the princess and drained it to the last drop and fell back lifeless. It's Calculon again. Just straight up fucking he's dead. Uh-huh. Bye bye-bye wizard that was so easy the princess ran piece of cake yeah he's he's very dramatic but not very smart yeah very easily fooled by pretty big brown eyes which i kind of get. So pretty.

The princess ran to the cupboard. Aladdin sprang out. He hurried to the dead wizard and took the lamp from the folds of his robe and rubbed it. A flash of light and the slave of the lamp appeared. Master, what is thy will? Carry this palace to the place from which you brought it, said Aladdin. And at once, there they were, Princess Aladdin, palace and all, back in the Sultan's city. The Sultan, who had spent all night weeping for his daughter, rose early in the morning and looked out his window with tear-stained eyes.

But what did he see? He saw Aladdin's gold and silver palace gleaming in the light in the newly risen sun. Yay! Just as he was in his bed gown, he rushed over to it. Yay. Yes, said Aladdin. many times and begged Aladdin to forgive him. Now may we all live in peace for the rest of our lives. Yes, said Aladdin. Truly, I think this is the end of all of our troubles. And it was the end of their troubles. Aladdin and his princess lived long and happily, and the slave of the lamp and the slave of the ring

served them faithfully to the end of their days. The end. I mean, they literally don't have a choice because they are the slave of the lamp and the slave of the ring i know that is my fix i have a few fixes that's the one before we go on to that in andrew lang's version uh oh this is interesting they live in china instead of saudi arabia but live in China instead of Saudi Arabia. But apparently in a lot of Middle Eastern folktales, possibly they just use China as kind of a foreign and faraway land. An exotic country.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. But a lot of the artwork is very Chinese. Artwork is very Chinese. And in the Andrew Lang's version, where it's like a Chinese story, it's a magician instead of a wizard, which is common for the Chinese folktales that we've read in the past. I thought that was really interesting. And also, the wizard actually has a brother that tries to seek revenge on Aladdin and the princess one last time by disguising himself as a holy woman named Fatima. And Aladdin finds out, stabs him, and then they live happily ever after.

But that story was very long. And I feel very bad for our sweet king editor, Dustin. Newly back from his own vacation with the sea witch and the longest um story ever so my fixes were that you know aladdin wasn't a weird pervert spying on a princess good one good one like it love it that he ends up having a great uh that he ends up like having some sort of friendship with the genies and sets them free after he's got enough money and stuff and maybe that he wasn't such an idol I mean it kind of goes into that he

stopped being a lazy piece of crap kind of yeah it sounds like he grew up a little bit yeah so that was that was already in there but I don't know Aladdin definitely wasn't as a heartthrob that disney made him yeah he is much cuter yeah and more more aspirational in the cartoon oh and obviously

uh i want iago who is one of my favorite characters where Where's Iago? Give it. So we haven't talked about the live action version at all yet. Have you seen it? I haven't seen it. And I don't know if I'm going to. I feel like I would be interested in your take because I saw it in theaters and I fucking hated it. I remember you enjoyed it.

No. You hated it? I fucking hated it. I remember you enjoyed it. No. You hated it? I fucking hated it. Okay. Maybe that's why I decided not to see it. But it's mostly because they did Iago so dirty because the parent was in it, obviously. But I feel like they did him so dirty.

And I like that they chose um middle eastern actors for all of the roles and i thought that was really cool but i think a lot of the actors they chose just really fell kind of flat and it just felt so sad and flat and they didn't change it up enough. To where you were just I was just wishing I was watching the Disney cartoon the whole time. And I love Will Smith. Like, I absolutely love him. I think he's great. But I was really excited for him to play the genie, too, because he's also kind of a 90s.

Like, he's a 90s icon. He's the 90s daddy. Absolutely. I loved him in the 90s and now but it just it it just wasn't the same it was like kind of sad maybe i might watch it just to be able to talk to you about it. I think Will Smith and Jasmine's handmaiden had more chemistry than Aladdin and Jasmine. And Jafar had the most chemistry. He was just like, he was hotter than Aladdin.

It just, it didn't. Yeah. Whereas in the, in the cartoon, he's really like, Jafar is really creepy looking. Yeah.

And he's, you know, like an older creepy wizard. He's a bad guy. That scene where the Sultan pushes away his mind control staff and just goes, but you're so old. Works really well because he looks old and creepy. Yeah, no. Jafar in the live action was not old and creepy. He was hot and- Young and Yeah, no. Jafar in the live action was not old and creepy. He was hot and- Young and sexy?

Yeah. Too bad. That's wrong for that character. And they didn't even say Iago's name once. I love that Jafar and Iago have a friendship. That's probably my favorite aspect. It's so cute. When they're making each other laugh with their evil laugh.

Yeah. Like little contest. That's so cute and funny. when they're making each other laugh with their evil laugh yeah like little contest like that's so cute and funny and they're constantly they like each other they're constantly giving each other shit like it's so adorable and and yeah there was none of that i mean it's hard to have an animal like sidekick friend in a live action. But is it? I mean, they did a whole fucking, the jungle book. So they did the jungle book. I, they can do anything.

I take it back. Yeah. I'm really sad that Ruth Manning Sanders actually wasn't alive when the Disney cartoon came out. So she never got to see the, the movie. And that makes me kind of sad. Cause I think she would have enjoyed their fixes.

Possibly. I just don't know enough about her. That's true. I just, I love the way that she writes and you can tell when she's inserting things like. If she were willing. Right?

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like giving somebody a name sometimes. I don't know. I feel like she was just. Yeah. I love the way she tells stories. But yeah,

those are stellar fixes. Stellar fixes for Aladdin. Do you have any fixes? I also want him to free the genies at the end of the story. That's such a good aspect. I want everyone to stop forgetting about the genie of the ring.

They even left him out of the movie. They left him out of the, see people always are, people are forgetting about the genie of the ring. Well, you know, technically there are two genies in the cartoon by the end. Technically.

Technically true. No, I love all of your fixes all of your fixes work for me I want him to not be a creep I want Iago because I love Iago I really think that the evil wizard should have had like a sarcastic parrot would that would that have been so hard

it doesn't even have to be a parrot. You know, it could be some more like regionally appropriate bird. But I think a sarcastic bird companion is perfect for evil wizards. And they should all have one. I think the Disney movie just really like they all kind of had their own familiar. Like Jafar had Iago. Jasmine had Raja, which I love all the looks that they share between each other. They're both sassy.

Like, we're going to fuck this guy up. Yeah. And Aladdin has Abu. Oh, I thought of one more. What happens with Aladdin's mom? Yes. Oh, that was something we never hear about her ever again she would have been freaking out that's what that's what was happening as soon as

she found out she was the one that incited all the villagers to riot right no she was probably in the palace she was probably maybe she was getting a spa day that day and didn't notice anything that was going on the whole time because just nobody decided to stop to tell her. Oh, I love that plan. There's her son's about to be executed. There's a riot in the background. But you know what? This lady has worked hard her entire life and she's just lying down with like some cucumbers

over her eyes. Yes, that's what she deserves. She does deserve all that drama, although she does love drama. So she loves I mean, that is I'm very sad for her because she missed out on some truly hot goss. Aladdin's mother is an amazing character in this story for sure. Absolutely. Do you have anything else to add? I don't think so.

I'm sure I'll think of something later and message you about it. Probably. But if anyone else has anything to add, what you love about Aladdin and just literally anything, please message us. Let us know because we want to hear from you. We're excited to be back. Yes. So excited to go forward. Pirate stories next.

We'll do some pirate stories. Gotta find it. I'm committing to it. I'm going to find one. It's going to happen. I believe in you. Pirate stories are coming. Thank you so much for listening to Fairytale Fix.

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at fairytalefixpod.com. And so Scheherazade becomes queen after relaying the stories of the 1001 nights and then summarily has king shariar executed and it's great and the kingdom goes off in uh has a long prosperous future where she doesn't serially kill her spouses and that's that's really nice for everyone and aladdin wasn't a pervert spying on the princess and ended up having a great friendship with the genies and eventually set them free and basically lived out a sweet 90s Disney happy ending because they really nailed it. Fuck yeah. Rock on. And they all lived happily ever after. The end.