Fairy Tale Fix - 46: A Creepy Heap of Eyeballs

Episode Date: August 16, 2022

It’s random reading time and Abbie reads Johnny and The Witch Maidens which sounds sexy and is but in an unexpected way, and Kelsey reads Herr Fix It Up which is like the off-brand version of The White Snake, with even more horse murder than before.

Bless you. Thank you. Bless you, young goat hoarder. Thank you. Bless me. Hello! Hello! Welcome to Fairytale Fix! I'm Abby. I'm Kelsey. And yeah, we fix fairy tales

on this show, among other things. Lots of fairy tales need to be fixed. And that's what we're here for. And lots of them also don't need to be fixed. And we're here for that too. Absolutely. We're also here for tactical issues and... So many technical issues. I like when we have them on the same day. Me too. Then at least we're in solidarity with each other. Like, oh, fuck, I need to restart. Me too.

Me too. And it's just chaos. Pretty much. But in a fun way. Maybe. It's not fun. Never much. But in a fun way. Maybe. It's not fun. Never mind. I take that back.

I mean, it's fun when you look back on it and you're like, got it all fixed and it's ready to go. It's not fun while it's happening. That's for sure. But then you get to feel accomplished. Yes. For restarting. And to restart my laptop. And it magically fixed itself, so that's good.

I didn't have to call in tech support, which is Adam. I'm proud of you. He also wasn't home, so that wouldn't have worked anyway. Maybe we just wouldn't have recorded today. We would have given up as a bad job. I wonder what that would have been like we just would have sat here and hung out anyway probably yeah definitely but then we wouldn't have gotten to read each other a fairy tale and i think that's sad i know i'm excited so

last uh last time we talked about pirate stories and i'm sorry to disappoint everyone i actually did look for a pirate story too. So did I. I looked high and low, and I found a lot of pirate stories, but they were all like real pirate stories, and they were really long, like full-on books with chapters.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I found a lot of stuff about Blackbeard. I found a lot of stuff about Anne Bonnynie who she seems like she was a pretty damn cool pirate it was interesting and fun to learn about her but but but no like pirate mythology i found i found stories about actual pirates or pirate novels yeah I looked on Gutenberg and I found a few shorter stories, but they were still very, very long. They sounded awesome, though. There were a lot of great like titles.

So I'll have to read through them some more, but. Someday. But that is not this day. Maybe we will get lucky and run across one. We are just doing a randomized reading today because those are so much fun. I feel kind of hopeful because I'm reading from either a book of dwarves or a book of witches today. And there might be dwarves who go to sea. I hope so. Pirate dwarves sounds like. Or a witch pirate. Oh my gosh. Could happen. Tatterhood was kind of a witch pirate. Oh my gosh. Could happen. Tatterhood was kind of a witch pirate. Tatterhood was kind of a witch pirate.

Right? Agreed. So we've already done a pirate story. You're welcome. I haven't read anything about Sinbad the Sailor. Is he a pirate? He's... Hmm. I can't remember.

The only thing I know about Sinbad is that DreamWorks movie where I think Brad Pitt voices him and the bad guy is this woman with like great hair. I need to watch that. Did you not watch that? It's so fun. I love that movie. That sounds really fun. That movie's a really good time. I don't think he's technically a pirate.

I think he's like a sailor adventurer type guy. But honestly, that might just be code for pirate. I can't. I don't remember. It's been so long since I've seen the movie. We should do Sinbad sometime soon. That would be fun. I love that idea.

We cracked into the 1001 nights in our last episode and Sinbad is in that. So I think we can do Sinbad in an upcoming episode. That sounds really fun. I love this plan. We have a lot of really fun fairy tales planned just like in the upcoming months. Or at least I do. I think you're doing a pretty big, exciting one soon, right? No spoilers or anything, but we've picked out a couple bigger fairy tales that we're covering this year. Yes, we've picked out a few. I'm trying to remember which one I wanted to do. But yeah, but today we are taking it easy on ourselves for our second episode back and we're doing

a randomized reading. But before we do that, did you have something you wanted to show me? You got very excited and said you had something you wanted to show me and I want to see it. Yeah. I almost told you before we started recording, which would have been sad because I wanted to get your reaction, but I am really excited. I did. We got something a while back and I'm sure you've forgotten about it by now, but I got a book in the mail. Yes! Oh my God, I'm so excited. I forgot that was coming out. Me too.

I forgot about it until I got it. So we got River Folk Tales of Britain and Ireland by Lisa Schneido. I think we've read a couple from her botanical folk tales from Britain and Ireland and they're so great. I absolutely love Lisa's book. So I'm really, really – Oh, my gosh.

I want to wait to do a random – I don't want to do a random reading from this book. So I'm going to save it for next week, but I think next week I'm going to get into it because some of them sound so great. I'm so excited because they have beautiful illustrations of like the, you know, flora and fauna of the rivers. I'm so excited. I can't wait.

She signs them. Yeah. Nice. Yep. We got very cool. I, I can't wait to get mine. Uh,

cause I, I loved the, I loved the, the two, cause you've done two botanical stories from her other collection, which is, I think, The Apple Tree Man. Yes.

And then... The Goblin Coom. The Goblin Coom. That was the other one. Mm-hmm. Both really great, really fun, lovely stories. Yeah. And they have great history and folklore

behind, like I said, the flora and the fauna of these. I guess in the other one, it's all about botanicals. This one's going to be for the river. So it looks like it has pictures of fish and information about the areas that the rivers are in, the stories that they come from, et cetera. So I'm really, really excited to check this out. So I'll read one probably next probably next week or not. Two weeks from now. I cannot wait. Unless I decide to do something else like we did last time. We might. It just depends. Uh, yeah, that's going to be like in two weeks we're recording that one.

Uh, but yeah, you can buy this book. Um, It's available now. So I will put the link in our show notes. If you are interested in getting River Folk Tales, check out our show notes. You should be interested because like, Lisa is a like a gorgeous writer of like a really like has done such a lovely job of actually bringing these stories uh to life in her collection like yep just phenomenal it's awesome so stoked so excited i want it i want it right now i want a real bad i want all of the fairy tale books i want more i actually did get um another book not that long ago i think it's the one that you've been reading from. It's where it has like just a bunch of folktales from around the world. It's a Pantheon book.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it, is it like the Jane Ulan one? Yeah. And I finally, I also am really excited.

So I'm not really a tattoo person. Um, I mean, I love tattoos, but I don't have any because I have i don't know i have way too much anxiety about putting something on my body that's going to be there forever and ever so i've decided to start a fairy although i don't know that changes every time i see some amazing tattoo work especially um one of our listeners chadwick, who does amazing tattoos.

Go check him out on Mossy Fables on Instagram. But I started my fairy tale wall collection. So I'm going to paint one of the walls in my office. Have you decided on a color? Yeah. It's going to be kind of like a dark blue. It's great. It's actually called Mermaid Tale, like T-A-L-E.

Fabulous. Yeah. Which I thought was really funny. And I got a few paintings framed, custom frames. So I'm going to start putting them up and have a big fairytale gallery wall that I'm so stoked about. That's perfect. I can't wait. I can't wait to see more of what you add to it. I love the, um, like the astronaut and the mermaid or the diver. Yeah. Uh, painting that you've got on that already. Like it's so, it's so fucking cool. I think it's NOS. It's G-N-O-S. She does amazing artwork. She's from Pismo Beach, which is where I originally found her artwork.

And she has a gorgeous painting of a mermaid and a diver in their casing. And I just, I love, I love all of her stuff. It's gorgeous. So I'll post it to our Instagram and it's going to go up on my wall soon. I got a really fancy, like embellished gold frame. Perfect. For it.

So. Oh, like it was like an undersea treasure. Absolutely. Yeah. I'm so stoked. It's fantastic. Yeah.

No, that's, that's an excellent alternative to tattoos. Yeah. And just as expensive because getting things custom framed, holy crap. That is expensive. Yeah. Shockingly expensive.

At least tattoos make sense for why they're expensive. I guess it's just, it's one other form of art. Yeah. Although I feel like the frame was more expensive than the print that I got. So I want to invest in some really great artwork soon. And I think you have updates to your tattoo, don't you?

A bunch. Yeah. We need to post those't you a bunch yeah we need to post those we do we do need to post we do need to post it but i got a bunch of updates my tattoo i got so i'm and now that it's like summer weather and sun's out guns out i'm getting so many just passing compliments of people who will just stop me and be like your tattoo is amazing. I ended up having a great conversation with someone who really loves Baba Yaga. Uh-huh. Just cause she saw, she saw my tattoo and she's actually studying folklore. She's a history major.

Oh, that's so cool. In the, in the area. So I may invite her on the podcast sometime. Cause she has like, she loves Russian folklore specifically. And is actually like yeah uh so she she really wants to read us um she really wants to read us vasalisa the brave

i think i started that one and it was really really long yeah or like i thought about doing that one before vasalisa the beautiful but it was really really long so that one is super long nora um she's actually married to one of the trainers at my gym well you know that is that's a really fun coincidence i'm assuming that's where you where you saw her yeah we actually we met each other at pride because we all walked in the pride march together fun yeah super fun we spent the entire time talking about russian folklore well that's a really good reason to get tattoos is to start conversations it's how make new friends get tattoos oh my gosh discuss baba yaga i mean i'm probably

gonna cave someday but for now. Maybe someday. Maybe someday. No pressure. It's a big decision, but it feels like a small decision after you've gotten a few of them. Then you've got the bug. Look how much blank skin you have. Look at all the tattoos you could fit. Shall we get into it? Yeah, let's do it. Read me a tale. I did want to mention real quick first that I am expecting a new book soon.

I'm very excited about it. It's coming out this weekend, which sucks because I ordered a physical copy of it and I am not going to be in Baltimore this weekend to pick it up. Oh, yeah. Makes me sad. But it's called Hag, folk tales retold.

Ah, and who's it retold by? Um, two women named Naomi booth and Natasha Carthew. And they, uh, are essentially just taking forgotten folk tales from Britain and Ireland and, uh,

compiling them into this into this book and it's about um yeah it's about hags it's about it's about women it's about uh uh pixies preying upon violent men is the description of one story i love that which i love that. Which I love that. You know, I love that. And some of them are kind of some of them are kind of queer and some of them are really dark and violent. And there's also some like weird cryptid shit happening. Apparently, and I'm very excited to get this book. I don't know if it's going to be good for the podcast, but I'm so excited to get it that I still think everybody should should get a copy. Definitely their yeah that makes me think of the one author who rewrote a bunch of fairy tales it's not totally great for the podcast but it's such a good book the one with like the little

mermaids on the front but they're all they've got like all these sharp teeth oh um yeah danny danny orberg i think it's called like that's the one the mary widow the mary spinster the mary spinster thank you yeah yeah danny orberg yeah his retellings are incredible incredible and just spooky spooky like kind of uncanny, very eerie. We'll put all of these books on our – We will. In the show notes. So if you're interested, you can check them out. Get books. Yeah, get books.

This is the summer of books. Summer of books. Okay. Oh, by the way, before we get started, I did want to note this episode does come out of my birthday, which is very exciting. Oh my goodness, it's your birthday episode. It is your birthday. It better be a good one. I already bought you your birthday present and I think you're absolutely going to love

it. And I can't wait to talk to you about it, but I can't yet because it's not actually your birthday yet. So you don't have it yet but i'm i think i think it might go well on your fairy tale wall oh i love that tea i'm gonna go ahead and i'm gonna roll my d20 and we shall see uh if it's anywhere in like the 1 through 10 zone, I'm going to read from a book of dwarves. If it's 11 through 20, I'll read from a book of witches.

Woohoo! Both are good. I rolled an 18. So we're going to read from a book of witches. Yes. Witch pirate. Alright. We're going to do Johnny and the Witch Maidens today. Johnny and the Witchmaidens today.

Johnny and the Witchmaidens. I love it. I'm very excited about this. Okay. So we're each going to give three predictions for Johnny and the Witchmaidens because I've never read this one and I don't think you have either. I think I have read it, but I honestly do not remember a single thing. I also might have just read the title a bunch of times and skipped it. Because I recognize the title. I just haven't actually read the story. I might have read it though. So it might come back to me. But right now while I'm making

predictions, I don't remember anything. Perfect. Johnny and the Witch Maiden sounds like a great band name. Yes, it really does. It also sounds kind of sexy could be hot okay i'm gonna guess that it's the relationship that johnny has with the witch maidens is very not sexy perfect that's what i wish for but i don't think that's true i'm gonna i'm gonna predict that he gets married in the end okay definitely not to one of the maidens not to one of the witch maidens because yeah you know it's not a sexy story where they're concerned yeah and then lastly i'm gonna predict that there is some sort of like herby spell. Okay.

I like it. Okay. Herby spell. An herby spell. What are your predictions? My predictions are the first one is a wishful thinking one. I would like, I think at some point, they go to sea. Oh, so good.

I would like for someone to go to sea in this story. Because I am still kind of in a pirate mood. The pirate witch maidens. The pirate witch maidens. God, that'd be so fucking cool. Witch maidens. The pirate witch. God, that'd be so fucking cool. My second prediction is going to counter your prediction. I think it is going to be sexual between them, Johnny and the witch maidens.

All right. I love it. But in like a scary way. Oh. Like something's. So that, so I think that's my, that's my third prediction of so like it's they go to see. But it is somewhat sexy. Okay.

And the third one is that the witches will attempt to kill Johnny. Okay. With their witch maideny wiles. That's what I want. That's that honestly sounds much better than the story that I predicted. So let's hear it. Okay. And I don't think it says what country. Yeah.

It's from Bohemia. It's, it's, it's a part of modern day Czechoslovakia. Okay. It was a Duchy of great Moravia, apparently. A kingdom in the Holy Roman Empire. Cool.

And after World War I, it became a part of Czechoslovakia. Boom. Figured it out. Okay, go on. All right. Johnny and the Witchmaidens fromhemia slash czechoslovakia there was once an orphan lad called johnny and he set out to look for work classic start yep he walked and walked a long long way but he couldn't find anyone to employ him at last close by a forest he saw a little, and on the doorstep of the little house sat an old man.

The old man looked sad, as well he might, for he had no eyes in his head, either seeing or blind, but just empty spaces where his eyes should be. That's creepy. It's super creepy. It probably didn't make glass eyes back then. It probably didn't. That's back then. It probably didn't. That's still creepy though. How did he lose both his eyeballs? I hope he tells us.

Me too. I should have predicted that. Old man with no eyeballs. With no eyeballs. Behind the little house is a shed and from the shed came the bleating of many goats ah my poor goats my poor goats sigh the old man you should go to pasture and how willingly i would take you but poor goats i cannot take you because i am blind and i have no one to send with you i'm sad that is sad how long has he been blind because i feel like he seems very kind yeah

yeah i feel like he would have figured it out by now because like blind people can still move around so then johnny spoke up and said daddy send me oh what it definitely says daddy it says okay definitely says daddy. It says, okay. It says daddy. That's really weird. Yeah. Okay. Go on. I mean, I'm sure it's like, I'm sure it's in the colloquial, like, oh, hey, pops or whatever.

Yeah. Some other slang for an old man. Father. Because you know how, like, they call all old ladies grandmother. Yeah, exactly. Like, because you know how they call all old ladies grandmother? Yeah, exactly. Like, alright, granddad, you send me and I'll take care of it. But no, he says daddy. Daddy's just kind of weird.

I can't not make that a little lascivious. Who speaks, said the old man. And Johnny answered, an orphan lad, one who seeks work and will surely do his best if you take me for your servant i will pasture your goats and i will look after you also johnny's a sweet boy the old man said step up close that i may feel you the old man passed his hand over johnny's face and said i think you are a good honest lad yes i will take you for my servant

go into the house and get yourself a bite to eat don't spare of what there is for you must be hungry johnny was hungry he went in found milk and bread and cheese and apples and ate and drank his fill and then he came out again and said daddy oh no what about you? Shall I bring you food? No, no. No, no, said the old man.

I am seldom hungry. I have no heart to eat since my eyes were stolen from me. Ooh. We're going to find out. I bet it's the witchmaidens. How much do you want to bet that it's the witchmaidens? A thousand dollars. I won't take it because you're right okay if your hunger is satisfied will you now drive my goats to pasture for the crying of the poor creatures troubles me sorely i drive them to the best pasture you can find but don't lead them to yonder hill above the forest if you do

witchmaidens will come to you and put you to sleep. And when you were asleep, they will steal your eyes from you as they have stolen mine from me. That's cool. That's very, uh, creepy, very spooky.

Yes. Very spooky stuff. I like it. That's, that's very weird. That's very body horror. Strange. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if we're going to get through this story. Daddy. It's the way you say it. You could just say chicken. Just say chicken. Just say father. Is that better?

No, I just didn't say daddy's too much fun. Johnny laughed. Never fear, daddy. No witch maidens shall steal my eyes. The old man sighed and said, dear lad, have a care. And Johnny laughed again. Surely I will have a care, Daddy.

That's so weird. So Johnny drove the goats to pasture on some wasteland below the forest and brought them back in in the evening, full and contented. He milked the nanny goats and made cheese and butter. He also found some flour and heated the oven and baked bread and butter. He also found some flour and heated the oven and baked bread.

Wow. He was super busy all day long and all evening long. And the old man praised him and said, you are a lad in a million. We should soon have been underground, my poor goats and I, if the good God had not sent you. Oh,

I know Johnny's Johnny's kicking ass. This is, he's really good at this job. It's a great John 2.0. Johnny's just tend to be really stand-up dudes in fairy tales. Johnny laughed. If you are satisfied, daddy, so am I. It's sexy, just not in the way I was imagining it.

Yes, excellent point. This is very sexy. And then one day, Johnny looked up at the hill above the forest and said to himself, Up there are rocks where the goats may climb and leap, and the turf among the rocks is green and sweet, and there are young trees on the hill whose tender shoots they will delight to nibble. Why should I shepherd the poor creatures on the flat wastes when there's nothing to amuse them? I will take them up on the hill. I am not afraid of witch maidens. That's a terrible, terrible mistake, Johnny.

I think so. Famous last words, Johnny. Listen to your daddy. listen to your daddy listen to your daddy so what did he do but cut three prickly shoots of bramble and put them in his hat and then he led the goats up onto the hill a fine time the goats had of it up there leaping and climbing and nibbling the sweet turf and the tree shoots and the little kids playing king of the castle perching themselves on the top of the rocks and butting each other off. And Johnny sat down in the shade of a rock and laughed to watch them. That sounds like the cutest thing ever.

I mean, baby goats playing on a hill. That sounds really lovely. I want that job. It sounds like a cool job, especially since like lunch is like, you know, freshly baked bread and goat cheese and apples.

Like it sounds insanely good. I'm hungry. That's why I'm thinking about that. I've had goat cheese for two meals today. So a fine choice. I'm all for it. Good choices. He hadn't sat there long

when he heard a voice saying, God bless you, young goat herd. And there at his side stood a most beautiful damsel. Mm-hmm. She was dressed in white. Her hair was long and shining and black as night. Her eyes were black

as sloes. Her lips were as red as cherries. Her skin was lily slows. Her lips were as red as cherries. Her skin was lily fair and she was carrying a basket of apples. She sounds creepy to me. Creepy, but like in a sexy way. That's what you're hoping for. Anyway,

I, it's what I want. I want her. I want sexy things to happen. And then I want, like, I want them to eat him. And then I want them to eat him. If you know what I mean.

This is a children's story. I'm kidding. They're really not. He says daddy a lot. I don't know how anybody reads these to their kids. She showed him the basket and said, see what beautiful apples grow in my garden. I'll give you one that you may taste how good they are. And she took a rosy apple from the basket and held it out to him.

Oh, ho, thought Johnny. I love how Ruth Banny Sanders writes. Me too. Here we have witch maiden number one. If I eat that apple apple i shall fall asleep and then no doubt she will tear out my eyes and leave me with empty sockets like my poor old master daddy now are you just inserting daddy yes thank you all the same but my master has an apple tree in his garden.

His apples are much finer than yours, and I've eaten my fill of them. I couldn't eat another morsel. Mm-hmm. Oh, well, said the damsel. It's not that I'm compelling you. And she walked away. Hey, queen of consent. I love it.

Soon afterwards. Yeah. No one's hey you know what no one's making you you said no i respect that i respect soon afterwards there came another even more beautiful damsel she had a red rose in her hand and she held it out to johnny god bless you young goat herd see what a beautiful rose i have just picked in my garden its smell is sweeter than honey just you smell and see oh ho thought johnny here we have witch maiden number two if i smell that rose i shall fall asleep and then she will pluck out my eyes and i shall be sightless like my poor old master so he said,

Thank you all the same, but my master has a garden where roses grow that are much finer than yours. I have smelled my fill of them. The damsel scowled and looked quite wicked and ugly. She is not as into consent as the first one. Nope. Oh, well, if you won't let it alone she said and she walked away very soon there came yet another damsel what a surprise and if the first and second had been beautiful she was even more so god bless you you young goat herd thank you pretty one indeed you

are a handsome lad said the damsel, but you would be more handsome if your hair was not so untidy. Come, let me comb it for you. Makes me think of that old lady who just wants to brush that guy's hair, which is love coming random lads hair. Yeah. Random lad's hair. Yeah, no, that old woman that likes to sit in the shade of craggy rocks and wait for handsome young men to come by so she can groom them. Such the weird, I love it.

Totally unexplained, never mentioned again, no seeming purpose. She's just an old lady. She's just there. It's just her lifestyle. Amazing. Oh-ho, thought johnny here we have witch maiden number three if she passes her comb through my hair she will put me to sleep and then she will tear out my eyes as she did my poor old master but he said nothing he sat still

where he was and smiled at the damsel then just as she came up close to him to comb his hair, he took off his hat, drew out a bramble chute, and slap, slap, struck her with it on both her hands. Amazing. Help! Help! screamed the damsel, but she could not move from the place. She began to weep, but Johnny cared nothing for her tears. He bound her hands together with the bramble,

then ran up the other two damsels and begged johnny to unbind their sister and let her go unbind her yourselves said johnny we cannot they cried we have such tender hands the thorns would tear us oh uh-huh do witches have like no powers against brambles is that a thing i don't know i don't know i think that that might be more it as opposed to just be like it would hurt my hands to untie my sister because like i feel like you know if you love your sister you'd do it anyway that would be the ultimate twist is Is that like Johnny's the witch? It sounds like Johnny's the witch here.

Absolutely. The witch maiden. Oh my God. It's not. So no, he's the leader of the band. It's Johnny and the other witch. Yeah.

Love that. That's the fix. That's the fix. That's, that's it right there. You know, they say they can't unbind her because the thorns would tear their hands in that case she must stay bound said johnny so then the two damsels came up close and began trying to loose their sister from the bramble but johnny took the other two bramble shoots from his hat and slap slap he struck the other two damsels hands with the shoots

they shrieked and cried but they could not move and he bound their hands together see now i've got you you wicked witch maidens said he why did you tear out my master's eyes you wicked wicked witch maidens he's he's obviously really like into his masters into his into his daddy he loves his daddy so the story is turning out to be sexy just not the way I was picturing the way we were thinking but it is

sexy a boy and his daddy and some binding and some binding just some light bondage some light bondage he leaves them all three standing by the rock weeping and lamenting and drove the goats home to the old man come daddy said he who I found someone who will give you your eyes again and he led the

old man to the rock on the hill now said he to the first witch maiden tell me where my master's eyes are I'll throw you into yonder river and drown you. Yikes. Yeah. Super yikes. Violent turn. I think he's going to follow through on it too. It's a fairy tale. That tends to be how they go. Very, very horrible and violent.

I don't know where they are. I said, the witch maiden. All right. So Johnny come and be drowned. And he lifted her up and made as if to carry her down to the river that flowed at the bottom of the hill. When she screamed out, don't drown me, Johnny, don't drown me,

Johnny, don't drown me. I'll give you the old man's eyes. Oh, okay. That took a good turn. No drowning, no drowning the witchmaidens today.

Called her bluff. She led him to a cavern by the river and in the cavern was a great heap of eyes of all sizes, large and small. I love it. I want to see this that is so gross i want artwork for this so badly and for my very tail yes please don't you want to draw a creepy heap of eyeballs any any of our fans really anyone anyone with an artistic talent please or even if you're not an artistic talent,

I would love to see your doodle of a heap of eyeballs. Maybe I'll doodle one. You should. Just a heap of eyeballs. So it's a heap of eyes of all sizes, large and small, and of all colors, blue, green, brown, black, and red. She turned over this heap of eyes and took out two. Here, these are his eyes she said and johnny fit the eyes into the old man's head but the old man began to cry and said alas alas these are not my eyes i see nothing but owls that's spooky i think that's super spooky i love that he's just gonna have visions yes like just

like in what way like you just see a bunch of owls in a tree are they all staring at you is it just like I'm imagining it like it's the birds and they're all like swarming oh my god this is already a spooky story

this is a kind of creepy story well Johnny was in a rage then he seized up the witch maiden and threw her in the river and the river carried her away oh my god so he does drown i bet he's gonna drown all of them which made number one it's too bad he went back to the rock and said to the second witch maiden give me my master's eyes no i don't know where they are said the second witch maiden foolishly after having just watched her sister drowned in the river so she knows that johnny doesn't bluff all right said johnny come and be drowned he lifted her up and made as if to carry her down to the river when she screamed out don't johnny don't i'll give you the old man's eyes they went down to the cavern and she turned

over the heap of eyes and she picked out two it It's got to be a little dirty by now. If they keep being dumped on the ground. Yep. Johnny fitted them into the old man's head and said, can you see now, daddy? But the old man cried, alas, alas, these are not my eyes. I see nothing but wolves. It's cool. I like that.

That's fine. Yeah. It's cool. I like that. That's fine. It's neat. So then Johnny seized up the second witch maiden and threw her into the river and the river carried her away. Johnny went back to the rock and said to the third witch maiden, I've stood no nonsense with your first sister. I've stood no nonsense with your second sister and I'll stand no nonsense with you. Come give me my master's eyes. I will give them to you.

She said. She's a very sensible girl. They went down again to the cavern and she picked two eyes out of the heap. Are these the right ones? Said Johnny. They are. Said she. They had better be said Johnny or it will be the worst for you.

Come daddy. Let's fit them in. Oh dear, oh dear, wailed the old man when the eyes were put in his head. Now I see nothing but pike. It's like a fish, right? I think so. You she-devil, cried Johnny, and he picked her up and carried her

to the river. Now one, two, three, and he swung her out over the water, but she clung to him and screamed, Don't, Johnny, and he picked her up and carried her to the river. Now, one, two, three, and he swung her out over the water, but she clung to him and screamed, Don't, Johnny, I will give you the old man's proper eyes. Gosh, what'd she think was going to happen? I don't know. It's clear that Johnny's not bluffing. He will throw you in the river.

Also, he has the eyes right there. He could try all of them if he wanted. He really could. So he doesn't really even need you. No, but I think he wants to kill witch maidens. I think so, too. I think Johnny is a little psychopath. He seemed pretty excited to.

I mean, he was the one who went up on the hill and, you know. Yeah, I think Johnny. I think Johnny's a little a little warlock or something. Johnny didn't throw her into the river. Perhaps he had never meant to. Because if he did throw her in, how was he to get back his master's eyes? Outside of, like, go through the basket and... Yeah.

Just... Every single one. Yeah. Narrow it down by asking him what color they are yeah what color were your eyes and then go from there so he carried her back to the cave and she groveled and scrabbled among the heap and from the very bottom of it brought up two bright blue eyes johnny put them into his master's head and the old man cried praise me these are my eyes i can see everything clearly again i can see the sky i can see the earth i can see you but i can't see that wicked witch maiden where is she oh johnny looked round the witch maiden had vanished nor did she or her sisters ever come back to trouble them again so johnny and his master went home together. Johnny laughed and the old man laughed.

Johnny looked after the goats and the old man made the cheeses and they lived happily. And if we live as happily, we shall do well. Oh, that is sweet. The end. They definitely got married. They got married. Didn't got married in there but absolutely i mean i guess it is it is a little i mean my fix for the story is that like in order for it to match up with my kind of like sexy headcanon i think johnny needs to be a little older so my fix for the story is that that Johnny is aged up to a more appropriate

age, but he's still, he's supposed to be, I was imagining like, I was imagining like, I was imagining like a late teen, early 20 year old was my original thought. But then this picture makes me think that he's a little younger because he's

just, he's just, he's so short. So, you know, so we don't want anyone this young calling any old men, daddy. Maybe he's just he's he's so short uh-huh so you know so we don't want anyone this young calling any old men daddy maybe he's just a short king maybe he's just a short king that's i like it okay john is just a short king um in a very like uh consensual happy sort of kinky

relationship with this old man that's fun i like it relationship with this old man. That's fun. I like it. No fixes. Yeah, I actually don't think I'd read that one. It sounded really familiar, but I think it was just the three theme over and over, you know? Yep.

And also like comes across in the second and the third. Yeah. And there have been other like witch maiden stories before. So that also probably sounded a little familiar. Yeah. I think that was it. That was fun. I love the body horror and the heap of eyeballs.

It was gross. That was gross. I also, I also like the, the head cannon that like Johnny is also like a witch. Yeah, that's fun. I mean, I guess he just,

I guess brambles, you know, he can touch them and tie their hands together, but they can't do anything. I guess so. A little odd. I suppose. I want to know Johnny's backstory.

Why is he an orphan? What did he do to his parents? Oh my God. Little psycho. All right. Today, I am reading out of the original folk and fairy tales of the Brothers Grimm. I am so excited to see what nonsense gets pulled up today. Me, too.

Just some classic, classic nonsense. As always, translated by the wonderful Jack Zipes. So I'm very excited. Heck yeah. I don't have any dice, so I am going to do my little magic card trick thing and have you pick. Alrighty. Stop. We landed on her fix it up.

H-E-R-R. Is that? Oh, like hair? Hair. Hair fix it up h-e-r-r is that oh like hair hair hair fix it up hair fix it up mr fix it up i'm assuming hair is a name that's my first i think hair i think hair is a title okay you like okay yeah let's oh wait dueling i was gonna google it but i like this i think this is funnier like No, you're right. It is. Never mind. Hair. Like hair is food.

Wait. Yeah. Okay. It was hair. No, I just can't. I can't reiterate. It's very hard. I only know that because I watched it up.

I watched the sound of music a lot when I was a kid. I love it. It's hair this and hair that i don't think i've ever seen the sound of music oh you should someday it's it's very well it's okay so here's the thing with the sound of music quick tangent it's one of it's it's one of those musicals where i pretend it's over after the first act The first act is an adorable rom-com about a really beautiful nun played by Julie Andrews who falls in love with, like, with honestly a hot daddy. And a hot, rich daddy. Like, he is good looking. And she becomes a governess to his children and they fall in love. And it's like an adorable, like, adorable like little like little rom-com situation.

Yeah. And they even have like a character who I'm pretty sure is he's very queer coded. Like they've got like a gay best friend. And it's adorable. And I love it so much. And then the second act is about the onset of World War Two and this family fleeing Austria so that they don't get wrapped up into Nazi Germany. So it's a much darker. It's a really tall. It's a really huge tonal shift in the second act. Gosh, maybe I do need to watch it. That sounds fun. It's really fun. Oh, God, it's so fun. I love that movie so much. And Julie Andrews is just Oh, yeah, I love Julie Andrews. It's just one of those like, you know, it's like a classic movie that everyone's always like, you haven't watched that. You need to watch it. And I'm like, no, just I don't know, being. I don't know.

I get it. I do the exact same thing. I really resist it when people tell me like I've I refused to watch Into the Spider-Verse, even though you told me it was amazing. Dustin told me it was amazing. Literally everyone in my life told me it was like the best. It was one of the best movies they'd ever seen. And I was like, no. I don't even like Spider-Man. Spider-Man is my least favorite superhero of all time. I do not like Spider-Man. Into the Spider-Verse was great. And then I was sick and someone put it on. And I was forced to... I think it was Dustin actually. I think it was,

I think it was the, it was last year when I was sick before I came home. Oh, that's so funny. And Dustin put on Into the Spider-Verse. He was like, I finally have you captive and you're too weak to say no. And you know what? It was really good. Damn it. So I feel you on the sound of music thing. Yeah. You don't have to watch it. Your life will not be emptier for not having seen it.

But I will say it's adorable. It sounds very interesting. I never actually knew what it was about. I thought it was a very like Mary Poppins babysitter kind of movie. Nope. Cute nun falls in love with rich daddy and showcases what a great mom she would be to his children. And there's a lot of adorable songs in it. And then they flee Nazi Germany.

Nuns aren't supposed to fall in love. I know. That's a big plot point. Oh, okay. I'm very interested. Okay.. That's a big plot point. Oh, okay. I'm very interested. Okay. She's not a very good nun. All right.

Well, let's do this. Let's read Hair Fix It Up. Yes. I'm so excited. Okay. Oh, yeah. What are your predictions? I'll let you go first this time.

Predictions. That really gives you absolutely nothing. It really doesn't. Okay. Hair Fix It Up is a tinker by trade. Tinker by trade. Hair Fix It Up comes by his name in the story. He doesn't have it at the beginning.

And what is your third prediction? He gets a magical object at the beginning. And what is your third prediction? He gets a magical object of some kind. Excellent. What about you? What do you think Hair Fix It Up is about? I have absolutely no clue what this could possibly be about. So I'm just going to add some of my favorite fairy tale tropes. Love it. Do it. I hope they have a chicken that they call a cock. I hope that's in it. I predict that. I mean, why not?

I have absolutely no idea. So I hope there's a talking cat. Sweet. Love it. Which anytime I make the prediction, it doesn't come true. But this will be the time. I know. And then thirdly, I predict. I i don't know there's a tricky king yes in the story somewhere we love a tricky king

love a tricky king it's pretty short it's only about like two and a half pages sweet it's right next to the white snake which is one of my favorite stories. The white snake was such a good story. Look at this artwork. That is so cool. That was from the white snake. Maybe it's from this story. Is it from that story? I don't know.

I shouldn't have shown you that. That was why I chose the white snake. Was that a picture? Yeah. I think that was from the white snake. Sorry. I think we're fine. We're good.

We're fine. We already made made predictions so it's fine we might have just gotten a spoiler an accident it i mean if that's a spoiler it looks cool as hell oh shit fix it up had been a soldier for a long time so damn i think his name is fix it up his name is fix it up damn it all His name is Fix-It-Up. Damn it. All right. Well, that knocks out one of mine right off the bat. When the war came to an end, however, there was nothing but the same

old things to do every day. He resigned from the army and decided to become a servant for a great lord. There would be clothes trimmed with gold, a lot to do, and always new things happening. So he set out on his way and came to a foreign court, where he saw a lord taking a walk in a garden. Fix-it-up did not hesitate. He moved briskly over to the lord and said,

Sir, I'm looking for employment with a great lord. If your majesty is himself such a person, it would give me great pleasure to serve you. There's nothing I don't know or can't do. I know just how to carry out orders, no matter how they're given. Okay. Okay. Okay, Mr. Fix-It-Up. Fine, my son, said the Lord. I'd be pleased to have you. First, tell me, what do I desire right now? Without answering, Fix-It-Up spun around, rushed away, and returned with a pipe and tobacco.

So he really does sound pretty great. He's like, the king is just standing there going like, this guy just gets me. Fine, my son, you were hired as my servant. But now I'm going to command you to get Princess Nomini, the most beautiful maiden in the world. I want to have her for my wife. Okay, so the first task is get me a pipe and tobacco. The second task is

kidnap a lady? The first task was, uh-oh. Maybe not kidnapping. Maybe it's just a little help wooing. Okay, fine. Princess No Mimi, though, but she has a name. I love that. I do like that.

I do like that she has a name. Mm-hmm. Well, all right, said Fix-It-Up. That's a trifle for me. Your majesty shall soon have her. Just give me a coach drawn by six horses, a coachman, guards, careers, servants, and a cook, all in full dress. I myself must have princely garments and everyone must obey my commands. I love that he is like, just met this guy. Yeah. He's in it to win it. This is like the

ultimate job interview. Yeah, sure. Epic. They're going through negotiations right now. He's like, yeah, I can do this, but I need this and this and this and that. And this. This man's actual servants are probably so confused and annoyed about how this guy got promoted so fast. I mean, he's in it to win it. Yeah. Soon they departed. Fix-It-Up, the servant, sat inside the coach,

which headed straight toward the beautiful princess's court. When the road came to an end, they drove into a field and soon reached the edge of a large forest filled with many thousands of birds. A boisterous song soared splendidly into the blue air. Stop, stop, exclaimed Fix-It-Up. Don't disturb the birds. They are praising their creator and will serve me some other time. Let's go to the left. So the coachman had to turn and drive around the forest. Soon after, they came to a large field where close to a thousand million

ravens were sitting and crying shrilly for food. Stop. Yeah. 1,000 million ravens. 1,000 million ravens. 1,000 and 1 million ravens. I wonder if this was an exaggeration. Yes.

1,000 million ravens. They would black out the sun. Like, it would be... Anyway, go on. Stop, stop, exclaimed Fix-It-Up. Untie one of the horses way up front. Lead it into the field and slaughter it so the ravens can eat. I don't want them to suffer from hunger.

What? What? A thousand million ravens and kill this horse. Kill the horse. So the ravens don't starve. I mean, I get like, I don't want them to try to eat me. Totally. There are are a thousand million of them. There are 1,000 million ravens. Can you just imagine the guy in the tavern telling the story of like, and there were a thousand ravens there. No, a hundred thousand. No, 1,000 million ravens.

That's exactly how the story was told originally. And I wish I could hear it from that person. I'm sad you didn't catch, you didn't guess horse murder as one of your classic fairy tale trips. Because boom, here we are again. That's not usually what I want, though. It's true. That's true. But it happens so reliably. That's, yeah, wow. Okay. reliably.

Yeah, wow. Okay. After the ravens had eaten, the journey continued and they came to a pond with a fish in it that was moaning and groaning. For God's sake, I have nothing to eat in this terrible swamp. Throw me into a running river and I'll repay your deed one day. Before

the fish could even finish speaking, Fix-It-Up had exclaimed, Stop! Stop! Cook, put the fish in your apron. Coachman, drive it into a running river. Fix-It-Up himself got out and threw the fish into the water, and the fish flapped its tail in joy. Now get the horses going, said Fix-It-Up. We must arrive at the desired spot by evening.

No fish murder. So he's, yeah, no fish murder. fish you know this is very white snake i wonder if that's why it's like right next to it no raven murder no bird murder no bird murder but who gives a fuck about these horses i will kill my horse to avoid harming a raven a thousand million ravens. A thousand million ravens. Never mind. You're right. That is, it's an appeasement. When he reached the royal residence, he drove straight into the best inn, where the innkeeper and all of his people came out and welcomed him in their best manners, thinking that a foreign king had arrived, though it was only a servant. Fix-It-Up himself had announced at the royal court where he endeavored to make a good

impression and court the princess. My son, said the king, many such suitors have already been turned away because they couldn't perform the tasks I assigned them to win my daughter. All right, said Fix-It-Up, set any kind of hard task that you want me to do. I've ordered a quarter of a liter of poppy seeds to be sown in a field if you can gather them so that not one kernel is missing you shall have the princess for your wife oh ho ho fix it up that's not much for me he then took a measuring cup a sack and snow white sheets and went out to the field and spread the sheets next to the field where their seeds had been sown.

Soon after those birds who singing he had left undisturbed in the forest arrived and they picked up the seeds, kernel after kernel and carried them to the white sheets. When the birds had picked up all of them, fix it up, poured them into the sack, took the measuring cup under his arm, went to the king and measured out the poppy seeds for him.

Now he thought the princess was already his, but he was wrong. Of course he was! Because it's a tricky king! If there's a tricky king, point for Kelsey. Kind of. He's trying to be tricky anyway. One thing

more, my son, said the king. My daughter has recently lost her golden ring. You must return it to me before you can have her. Fix-It-Up did not get upset. Let your majesty show me the river and the bridge where the ring was lost, and I shall soon return it to you. When Fix-It-Up was brought there, he looked down, and there he saw a fish that he had thrown into the river. It stuck its head out into the air and said, Wait a moment. I'll dive down below. A whale has the ring underneath its fins

and I'll fetch it. A whale? In the river? Alright. Magic! A giant whale! A hundred thousand million whales! A one hundred thousand ton whale!

Indeed, the fish soon returned and tossed the ring onto the shore. Fix-It-Up brought it to the king, but the latter replied, Now, just one more thing. There's a unicorn in the forest, and it's been causing a great deal of damage. Oh, yeah. If you can kill it, there's nothing more you'll have to do oh okay oh so horse and unicorn murder i've got a fix for this story yeah it involves the unicorn resurrecting the dead horse

and then the unicorn like spearing everybody with its horn and running away that's definitely a fairy tale i want to read. Fix-It-Up did not get upset here either. Instead, he went straight, because he hates horses and unicorns. Instead, he went straight into the forest where he came across the ravens whom he had once fed. Is he going to sick the ravens? He's killing another.

He's going to kill another horse with his ravens. Just have a little more patience, they said. The unicorn is lying down and sleeping, but it's not on its side where you can see its eye. When it turns over, it will peck out its good eye.

Then it'll be blind and run furiously against trees and get itself stuck with its horn. That's when you'll be able to kill it easily. Oh no. Ravens hate horses too. This is a terrible story. This is like a worse,

the white snake. Yes. A much worse, the white snake. All at once, the Raven swooped down and pecked out its good eye. Wait, so it already had a bad eye? And now these ravens

are picking on it even more? When it felt the pain, it jumped up and ran wildly among the forest. After it got its horn stuck in a thick oak tree, Fix-It-Up jumped out and cut off its head

and brought it to the king who could no longer deny him his daughter. She was delivered to Fix-It-Up, which I hate that wording. Oh, I don't like that. Where's Ruth Manning Sanders to clean this up a little? Mm-hmm. We need her. He was in full dress just as he had come and immediately drove off and brought the lovely princess to his lord. Fix-It-Up was given a fine reception and the lord's wedding with the princess was celebrated in great splendor. Then Fix-It-Up was appointed prime minister. Everyone in the company to whom this tale was told wished to be at the celebration. One person wanted to be a chambermaid,

the other wardrobe attendant. Someone wanted to be a chamber servant, another the cook, and so on. The end. Oh, what was that? That was terrible. Okay, we did get a spoiler from the artwork. Yeah, the unicorn i thought that was from the white snake though so no a unicorn with its head getting chopped off was the photo yes um i will post that to our instagram because it's please it's gorgeous artwork um yes yeah yeah the artwork's

gorgeous um wow yikes yikes yikes yikes yikes yikes yikes yikes that story all right okay uh-huh well that was the that was the show happy birthday to me happy birthday Well, that was the show. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday, Kelsey. Did you like it? I liked your story a lot. I liked your story a lot up until the middle.

I didn't like any of it. My fix is just throw the whole story away. The white sort of better, sort of similar and better. Yeah. Well, that was an episode that happened. Thank you.

Thank you so much for enduring that story and listening to fairy tale fix. If you enjoyed it for some reason, at least Abby's story, please subscribe, hit that follow button and feel free to leave us a review on Apple or rate us on Spotify. If you love the show and want to support us, you can get extra episodes,

merch, books, and other cool bonus content on our Patreon by signing up at fairytalefix.cash. And you can find us on Twitter and Instagram at fairytalefixpod. So we'll be posting lots of weird artwork. So much weird artwork. Yeah. And please feel free to reach out to us and tell us your favorite fairy tales,

what you want to hear on the show, any cool folklore or nursery rhymes and other such things at info at fairytalefixpod.com. And so short King Johnny had no real fixes for his story, just headcanons and continued to live in the forest happily for many years with his daddy. And the unicorn woke up and brought the horse back to life and they all went on a horse rampage and murdered everyone and that story was never written. And they all lived happily ever after. The end. Happy birthday, Kelsey.