Fairy Tale Fix - 47: Swan Justice

Episode Date: August 30, 2022

We got a new book, River Folk Tales of Britain and Ireland by Lisa Schneidau and it is FILLED with some fantastic stories. Kelsey reads some poetic nonsense that leaves us feeling dreamy with The Stars in the Sky, and Abbie reads a much darker but super cathartic tale The Wounded Swan. Moral of this episode? Don’t eff with swans. Ever.

I fucking love birds. Birds. I love birds, man. They just, they do not give a fuck. Swans and geese in particular have this very belligerent energy. It's so good. Hello. Hello. I'm Abby. I'm Kelsey. This is Fairytale Fix. It is Fairytale Fix, as you may know, or not. We read fairy tales to each other and then fix them for a modern audience. It's fantastic. It's very fun. I've been been enjoying it we're just really happy to be back

we're just grinning at each other like idiots over the over the microphone this is only our second episode back since we took our since we no sorry it's our third episode back wait third episode plus the patreon episode it has been difficult i think introductions are hard we've been doing this for almost two years now and we still have no idea what we're doing. So welcome. We hope you enjoy the show. Yes, we hope you enjoy the show and yeah, thanks for tuning in. Kelsey was telling me about her Halloween costume and then I made her stop so that we could start recording the episode.

Yeah, that's true. So now you may tell me about your Halloween costume. Go for it. So this episode comes out August 30th. So that is the official end of summer and intro into spooky season. Although I have been thinking about Halloween since June. I love Halloween. I love spooky season. And so I actually have a couple of Halloween costume ideas in mind. season although i have been thinking about halloween since june i love halloween i love spooky season and so i actually have a couple halloween costume ideas in mind i never go

anywhere do anything for halloween so usually my costume ideas kind of fall flat and i end up not doing anything or i do something like super last minute and just wear it you know a mask to work or something. Uh-huh. One of our listeners and mermaid friends, Aurora, introduced me to Over the Garden Wall, which Abby still hasn't watched. I know. So she messaged us and was like, I think you guys would love this show. And she was so fucking right that, Aurora, you just nailed it. I love that show so much. I wanted to be Greg for Halloween.

He's the little brother in the show. And he has like a teapot on his head. He's so cute. He's, I just love him so much. Like he's so bubbly and cute. And everything he says is my favorite. So I wanted to be him for Halloween. So I got all excited and got some of the stuff.

But finding a teapot to go on my head has been really difficult. Are there no like teapot hats? No, not really. And it was so funny. I'm sure someone on Etsy makes a teapot hat. I need to look. I did search like Greg over the garden wall costumes and I couldn't find anything. And I was also thinking I could just find like a plastic teapot and spray paint it silver. Okay. like you should just paper mache it she assumes i have the kind of talent because she's like the

most wicked creative person ever so of course she just thinks anybody can do paper mache i've noticed this about people who are crafty is they always suggest a very intense crafty option when you're trying to do something like oh why don't you just embroider it yourself yeah it's like i don't do that i was telling her about it because i she does a lot of thrifting and i was like if you see a plastic teapot you have to get it for me and she's like that's not a she's like i just don't feel like that's authentic to the show she thought paper mache would be easier and more authentic which oh i love her so good um no i am so bad at paper mache if veronica wasn't a hairstylist i think she would have had a future as like a costumer or a costume design oh definitely she

does a lot of fashion like she sews a lot of her own clothes and she can make literally anything if she wants to it's ridiculous um so anyway so in that whole uh long story i came up with a secondary halloween costume i found a tutorial on how to make a mushroom hat. And I was like, that would be really easy. And that's also a costume that people would get and understand. Like if I wore it to work, I'm a mushroom. So that's what I'm going to try to do. And I will try to make a mushroom hat. I think I can handle that. The tutorial was really straightforward. What do you have to do for it you you basically use cardboard to like

make a hat like okay you know tape it around your head and just use lots of duct tape there's no sewing or paper machine involved so i think i can handle that and i also might still ask for veronica's help with the actual making it look like a mushroom i think you should get veronica to help you yeah she's she's so good at everything making anything she's made costumes for me in the past she made my red riding hood yeah i remember that it was really cool so anyway so do you know you're gonna be for it's still early i also don't go anywhere or do anything on halloween i think the last time i did was with you when we dressed up as robin sparkles and robin daggers and it was

a totally last minute choice but i just have i just i just had some sort of like vaguely grungy stuff in my closet anyway and was able to throw something together i'm also a lazy costume person yeah i keep having these big ideas where i keep thinking like oh like if i actually had somewhere And was able to throw something together. I'm also a lazy costume person. Yeah. I keep having these big ideas where I keep thinking like, ooh, like if I actually had somewhere to go, I would do the Goblin King from Labyrinth. Like I'd get some high boots and tight pants and a big shirt and do get like one of those like Jareth wigs that I see every once in a while. Or I've always wanted to do Rainbow Bright. Oh, that would be so fun. That's such a good idea.

That would be super fun. Yeah, and it's a super cute idea. It's just that, you know, by the time – October is always so busy that by the time Halloween actually rolls around, I'm tired and I don't want to go anywhere and do anything. Right. I wish I had somewhere to go. I used to, I used to, when I had friends living in the same town as me, now no one lives in the same town as me and going, dressing up

and going out by myself is probably not as fun and not very smart and not, not probably not. Yeah. I don't make good decisions when i'm out by myself y'all i know this about myself you need you need a chaperone i need supervision i usually end up running into someone i know though so yeah you usually end up finding a chaperone but you need one to say you need someone there to force feed you pizza at some point. Yeah, I'm not. I don't know. I'm not good at eating when I drink. If I started drinking before I've had dinner, I will not have dinner and then I will just get fucked up. And beer is like dinner. It fills me up and then I'm not hungry and then I don't want it. And I'm like,

no, thanks. I'm good. Yeah. Well, that's why you and I are such a good pair because I'm always hungry constantly. And Abby orders the fries and she gets the malt vinegar and tells me I have to eat them. Yep. I need you. I miss you. And I need you to prompt me into going anywhere and doing anything because left to my druthers, I don't. Yeah, I haven't been doing anything. It's been so hot. I'm also so ready for fall and all that good stuff i'm sure everyone is at this point yep anything else i hate summer i love it but i hate it i like it in like may and june and that's about it. And then July, August is I'm done. I'm done. I'm ready to wear a hoodie. Yep. I want to die. I want to nosedive into my

black hoodie and never come out. Same. I'm excited to like start like I've been I've been getting into I've been getting I've been trying out like different different styles for myself recently. Like I bought myself a thrift. I went thrifting a couple of weeks ago and I bought myself a couple of dinner jackets to wear as coats that I'm really excited about. What's a dinner jacket? So it's like, they're like men's dinner jackets. And so they're kind of like a blazer, but so like they're like one of them, it's like a crushed black velvet dinner jacket that I think will look very fetching on me as a coat. But the weather needs to start cooperating before I can wear it. And then there's also like a velvety red one that I got.

Nice. That I'm also excited to wear as a coat or a blazer for work. as a, as a coat or a blazer for work. Uh, when I put it, when I put the black jacket on, I, I was shopping, I was shopping with my sibling and I asked, I asked them, how do I look? And they said, you look really gay. And I'm like, Oh my God, I'm buying it. Thank you. That's the, that's the dream. That's what I was going for. That's what I was going for. So I'm very excited. I'm also trying out rompers. Again, I've decided that it's time to have a romper phase.

Okay, I love it. Which is somewhat inspired by a new friend I made who I believe she listens to the show or she was binge listening to it a few weeks ago. But my new friend, Devin, wears rompers all the time and she looks fucking fabulous. She is absolutely inspiring me to have a romper phase. And I went over to her house the other day and she gave me a bunch of her old rompers because she's moved on to new and improved rompers. Amazing. Friends who give you clothes are the best friends. They're the best friends ever. But she's got great style. And I've also never been

more comfortable. I think in my entire life, I should have been wearing rompers this whole time. Nice. There's so much room for me in these things. I love it. And that's one complete outfit. And I don't have to think about it. But it's still pants. So I don't feel like I'm too dressed up. Yep. Yeah, I did the romper thing a long time ago and stopped for some reason. I'm not really sure why. I don't know. I think it's the idea of like back into it, taking the whole thing off when you have to pee.

Yep. That's the only part that's awkward is you're like, you're basically naked in a semi-public place. Okay. Because I was wearing a romper when we went to go see magic mike xxl or something and i was i was drunk and i had to pee and i went to the bathroom and i had such a hard time getting it off i'm sitting there in the stall like doing the pee dance and trying to like figure out how to get this romper off. Because it was like a button around the neck or something or a couple of buttons.

Oh, it was a complicated one. It was complicated and I almost peed my pants. Yeah, I kind of I think after that it was like, maybe this isn't for me. Or you can get rompers, just ones that aren't so complicated. Like all of the ones that I have are basically pajamas and they're, and they're also like, they're also like,

uh, like a nice, like it's like, they're also a perfect size for me where to the point where like, they're, they're just really easy to take off and on. They're just really like roomy and comfy. And, uh, I would have no trouble.

Nice. Anyway, we did another fashion corner. We did one in our last Patreon episode. We don't usually talk about fashion. Well, we're moving on from weather and go and now talking about clothes as sort of our go-to go-to chitchat topic. Yeah, and whenever the weather changes, it's always difficult.

Back to the weather, oh my god. It's always difficult to figure out what to wear. It's very Regency England ladies chitchat of us, and I don't know, I like it. I think it's fun. So I'm interested. I love that you're going through a romper phase. I love that for you. Thank you. I love it for me too. Speaking of being really hot, and wanting to talk about stuff that's way cooler, literally in a temperature sense. Kelsey and I, I've decided to move this to the story portion of the episode um this is my very

good segue kelsey and i are each going to be reading stories today out of our brand new book uh river folk tales of britain and ireland we each got a copy signed by the author herself lisa schneido and i'm really excited about it because there is nothing I want to do more in this moment than leap headfirst into a very cold body of water. Absolutely. Yeah, I've been spending so much time in the river trying to get in just my feet, at least my feet in to the creek that's near my house as much as possible. Because it always makes me feel a million times better. And this book really embodies that. A lot of these stories, yeah, just give you a refreshing feeling.

So definitely check it out. We'll link the book in our show notes. A refreshing feeling or a feeling of something horrible is about to happen to you. Or the best adventure you've ever gone on in your life. Is that what you're reading me? Maybe. I'm very excited about it. Which story are you reading me?

I am reading The Stars in the Sky. And that is in the enchanted water portion of the book. Okay. Okay. So enchanted water, stars in the enchanted water portion of the book. Okay. So enchanted water, stars in the sky. I think you'll really like this one. I know I did. I'm already loving the title. So if it's enchanted water and it's called stars in the sky, then I think prediction one, the water in this story is actually going to be sort of a barrier between worlds.

It will involve the protagonist drinking the water. Okay. And third prediction, a star falls to the earth. I love that idea. Okay. I'm very much thinking of Stardust. I know. Yeah.

Stardust is such a fun movie. It's a fantastic movie. I can't believe it took me so long to watch it. If any of our listeners have movie or book recommendations, like Aurora did with Over the Garden Wall, and I'm sure somebody recommended Stardust. It was probably you actually. It might've been me.

Send them to me because I can't believe I haven't seen these before. Oh, this reminds me of a quick tangent on our discord. Someone recommended the color of magic. I'm watching that so soon. I'm so excited. I wanted to throw out a quick shout out to Elizabeth, who is one of our dear friends and also one of our patrons. Because that movie is based off of a Discworld novel, which by Terry Pratchett, like he wrote this entire satirical fantasy world called Discworld. And I think he's one of Elizabeth's favorite authors of all time. So she actually showed me the first half of the Color of Magic miniseries. Yeah. And we never ended up finishing it. So this

was a great reminder for me to finish it so that I can actually talk to Elizabeth about it. And now to you, but I just wanted to, uh, yeah, shout Elizabeth out for it because it was really good. And Tim Curry is so fabulous in it. I can't believe I haven't seen it because it was really good and tim curry is so fabulous in it i can't believe i haven't seen it because tim curry is in it and i know i'm in love with him and as usual he's playing like a really flamboyant bad guy which that's just exactly his niche who i think noah suggested color of magic from our discord right yeah it was no another one of our patrons so shout out to noah too you have fine taste sir okay on to the story tell me so as always with lisa schneider's books she always has kind of um an intro to the book that gives you a little history or a little more information about the folklore behind the story is amazing i love lisa much. I love how she puts these together. She is pretty much my favorite.

So this is my version of a nonsense nursery tale first written down by Joseph Jacobs in 1890. It has quite a different character to many of the other tales in this book, having little sense and no real purpose whatsoever, which is like most fairy tales, I feel like. which is like most fairy tales. I feel like, uh-huh. I love the way this tale evokes the sense of wonder present at all stages of a river from its source to the wide ocean. Enjoy the daftness of the story and imagine both the sun and the stars

twinkling in the water. Oh my gosh. I'm so excited. So thank you, Lisa, for this version. It is really so beautiful and poetic. I'm excited to read it to Abby right now.

Beautiful, poetic nonsense, apparently. Yeah. I feel like that sounds like it was written for you. That sounds like exactly my speed. Once upon a time, and it wasn't your time, and it wasn't in anyone else's time. But it was a very good time. And there was a girl who cried all day and cried all night. I love that opening.

Me too. Sorry. That's just a really fun spin on Once Upon a Time that I haven't heard before. Yeah. I like that a lot. It wasn't in anyone's time. I love that. It's very magical.

Yes. Nothing was ever good enough for her, and all she wanted to play with were the stars in the sky themselves. One fine day in springtime, she set off to find the stars in the sky. She walked and she walked until she came to a little spring, bubbling out of the ground and soaking the land around. Good day to you, bubbling water, she said. It is that, said the little spring. I'm looking for the stars in the sky to play with, said the girl. Have you seen any?

Oh, yes, said the little spring. As soon as my water bubbles up, the stars shine in it and give me their blessing. Wash your face in the water and perhaps you'll find them the girl washed her face in the cold water bubbling up out of the little spring but not a star did she see so she thanked the spring and she followed the trickle of water from the spring until she came to a little stream good day to you little stream she said it is that babbled the stream i'm looking for the stars in the sky to play with she said have you seen any oh yes said the stream the stars in the sky sparkle of my water and they make the little sticklebacks laugh paddle about and perhaps you'll find them sticklebacks and i think sticklebacks are flowers. Let me double check, though. Oh, it's a fish.

Oh, it's a fish! Okay. Sticklebacks is a little fish. It's a very cute little fish. A little fishy. The girl took off her shoes and paddled about in the little stream, but she didn't see a single star. So she thanked the stream and walked alongside it until the stream

became a river. Beside the river, there was a broad water meadow, all full of flowers. And there she met the little people. Ooh, yes. Good day to you, little people, she said. It is that, said the nearest little person. I'm looking for the stars in the sky to play with, said the girl. Have you seen any? Oh, yes, said the little person. I'm looking for the stars in the sky to play with, said the girl. Have you seen any?

Oh, yes, said the little person. The stars shine on the grass and the flowers here at night. Dance with us and perhaps you'll find them. Don't dance with them. That sounds bad. That sounds like a trap. I don't really think she has a choice. I mean, if a little person requests for you

to dance with them, don't you kind of have to? That's true true don't don't refuse this don't refuse the we folk anything yep the girl danced and danced to the merry pipes of the little people until she was very exhausted but she didn't see a single star so she sat down on a heap on the grass and the flowers and she started to cry cry cry cry something my aunt frowny used to say to me cry cry cry if i'd cry oh so it was also while you were crying yeah she was just making fun of you yep that's. It's a very fond memory for some reason. Yeah. Well, of course.

I feel like most memories of your Aunt Verona are probably very fond. She was a really cool lady. Yeah. It's hopeless, she said. I've washed

and I've paddled and I've danced, but I couldn't find any stars. And unless you help me, I shall never be able to play with the stars in the sky. The little people

whispered to each other and one of them came up to her and took her by the hand and said, Dry your eyes. Here's what you have to do. And the girl brightened up. Go forward, go forward, and mind you, take the right road, said the little person. Ask four feet to carry you to two feet, and ask two feet to carry you to no feet at all. And tell no feet at all to carry you to the stairs without steps if you can climb the stairs without steps oh are the stars in the sky really there and i can be with them ask the girl if you're not there then you'll be somewhere else

said the little people and they bowed to her and began to dance again. That sounds... It sounds like a trap, doesn't it? It does sound like a trap because like, well, if they're not there, then you'll be somewhere else. That's fine. Yep, totally fine. But the girl's super excited. The girl left the water meadow with a curtsy, remembering not to thank the little people for they don't like it. And she skipped alongside the river with a light heart until the water curved around and she met the woods. The big old alder trees whispered with their leaves and she got stuck in the mud several times, but she battled on through until the ground became easier to walk on again and the river was rocky and fast. She didn't walk much further before she came to a huge wizened old hawthorn tree and underneath the tree was a white horse with a wild mane

good day to you white horse said she it is that said the horse i'm looking for the stars in the sky to play with said the girl can you carry me there i'm so tired oh, said the girl. Can you carry me there? I'm so tired. Nay, said the horse. Nay! I don't think I was on purpose, but I really love that. It's N-A-Y, right? Yeah. Okay. That has to be a joke. Lisa put that in there on purpose, I'm sure of it. It's a good pun. I like it. Nay, said the horse. I don't know anything about the stars in the sky. I'll only do something if the little people tell me it's good to do.

Well, they sent me here. They told me to tell four feet to carry me to two feet. Well, why didn't you say that in the first place, said the horse. Jump up and I will carry you. Well, if you say so, I'll do it. So they rode and they rode and they rode, always with the water in view, until the river was wide and tranquil and reed beds lined the edges, rustling in the breeze. They turned a corner and up ahead was the muddy place where the river widened out completely and met the sea.

Get you down now, said the horse. I can't go any further because there is no more land. I've done as much as four feet can do, and I must away home to my family. But where is two feet? asked the girl. I don't know, said the horse with a flick of his white mane. And it's none of my business either. Goodbye. And he was away. Love that. None of was away. Love that. None of his business. Love that for him. Yeah, me too.

It's none of my business. Bye. Not my problem. That sounds like a you problem. Talking horses in fairy tales are almost always my favorite. And this one didn't lose its head. Which I love. This is great.

Maybe because the horse is like, you know what? This isn't any of my business. Right? I'm going to leave. I don't know. Bye. The girl stood at the edge of the water where the river widened out to the sea.

And she listened to the call of the birds. There wasn't much water to be seen as the tide was just out, just a wide expanse of mud. As the girl looked out across the mud, there was a loud peeping call and a great bird flew down the estuary and landed right in front of her. It was black and white with bright orange red legs and a long bright orange red beak.

It was an oyster catcher. Ooh. Okay, is that an actual type of bird, then? I want to look at it. I'm sure it is. Have you noticed? So in all of her books, she has a lot of, like, flora and fauna listed out. Yeah, I love that.

Like, just kind of peppered into the stories to give you, like, imagery. And, yeah, it is a real bird. It's gorgeous.'s gorgeous it is a real bird oh and the babies are cute oh yeah that is a very like bright orange eye bright orange beak and orange legs and cute little babies i don't see the little babies oh and there's one with an oyster. Awesome. Aww, fluffy chicks. Mm-hmm. So cute. Okay, cool.

Okay, so an oyster catcher lands. Yeah, so they meet with each other and she says, I'm looking for the stars in the sky to play with. Can you carry me there? I'm so tired. That's outrageous, peeped the oyster catcher. I don't know anything about stars in the sky. I'll only do something if the little people tell me it's good to do. They sent me here. They told me that two feet would take me to no feet at all. Well, why didn't you say that

in the first place, cried the oyster catcher. Jump up and I will carry you across the mud. Aw. The girl jumped up on the back of the oyster catcher and grabbed onto its feathers as best she could. As the bird determinedly put one webbed foot in front of the other, slowly, steadily walking across the glooping mud toward the sea. Other birds whirled around them and searched the mud with their long beaks for food and a couple of them quizzically at their friend the oyster catcher, but none of them came close. Finally, the oyster catcher stopped before a great expanse of saltwater and waves that stretched as far as the eye could see. About halfway to the horizon was a wide glistening

path running straight out towards a rainbow arc that rose out of the water and went up into the sky oh i know so that is much more obvious than i was thinking yeah more obvious than it has been in the past uh-huh the arc was made up of all the colors in the world red and yellow and green and blue and it was wonderful to look at like where are those kids parents do you think who cares you can't have adventures if your parents are watching you like you know what fair enough i withdraw the question the girl put her feet on the mud and stood next to the oyster catcher staring at the wonderful sight but where is no feet and where is the stair without steps she asked i don't know, cried the oyster catcher, and it's none of my business either. Goodbye. Yes, excellent. And

he spread his wings and flew back to the mud, peeping loudly as he went. The girl looked back to the sea. There was a bothering of water in front of her and then a big golden fish came swimming up good day to you big fish said she it is that said the fish can you show me the way to the stars in the sky said the girl up the stairs with no steps nope said the fish not unless you bring word from the little people ah she said the little people told me that no feet at all would take me to the stairs without steps. Ah, that's good then, said the fish. Get on my back and hold tight. There to the top fin, not to the side ones. Splash. Off he went into the water with the girl on his back holding on for dear life along the silver path in the water toward the ark.

The colors of the ark glowed brighter and brighter the closer they got, so bright that the girl could scarcely look at it. When they finally got to the foot of the ark, she saw a broad road sloping away to the sky, and at the end of the ark, there were the bright lights dancing about. Were they the stars in the sky? Now, said the fish, here we are, and you need to climb, but hold on fast, for it was never meant for your kind of feet. Oh. Off he went into the waves, darting golden into the deep blue. I love that.

This is a very beautiful story. Like, I'm really enjoying the imagery. Yeah, I absolutely love it. So beautiful. So dreamy. I love the phrasing of like, they weren't meant, these stairs weren't meant for your kind of feet. Like, I just, I love that. That's fantastic.

It's all very dreamy and otherworldly. I would love to see this as like a short. Yes. Because the imagery is just so beautiful. So the girl began to climb, but she never got a step higher than when she started. She climbed, she climbed, but there was no foothold. She called out to the stars dancing ahead of her and desperately tried to cling on to the rainbow arc, but her hands went straight through it she was dizzy from the bright light and numb with the cold and at last she couldn't help but let go and completely sink down down into the deep blue sea and crash she clattered onto a hard floor and tattered rug and the girl found herself lying by the bedside at home all alone in the dark. The end. Oh my god! It was like it was all a dream.

Oh, it was all a dream. Isn't that so pretty? That's so pretty. What a beautiful dream. Great. That's like a fairy tale I'd actually want to hear as a kid at bedtime. Yeah. Yes, no, you're so right. That is actually an appropriate story to tell a child. A fairy tale I'd actually want to hear as a kid at bedtime. Yes. No, you're so right. That is actually an appropriate story to tell a child as a bedtime story. Because I feel like that story would evoke a lot of like really sweet dreams of just having an adventure. I also love the idea that the little people told her how to get there, probably knowing that she wouldn't be able to get there. Yeah.

Yeah. The bridge is not made for you. It's not like you're a mortal being. You can't go up there. But it was still a grand adventure. I feel like that could be the kind of moral of the story. If I had a fix, it would just be that she really appreciated the adventure she went on even though she didn't get to dance with the stars in the sky that she got to do all these other like great things and meet

all these other great little people and animals and you know yeah absolutely i like that i think that's really that's a nice like maybe, one more sentence or something of her realizing it was a dream, but, like, really having enjoyed it. Yeah. Yeah. That's a great fix for it. But it's so beautiful. I love that story. And it made me think of you as very dreamy and poetic.

Yeah. Oh, I loved that so much. And that makes me so happy that it made you think of me. That's what a lovely little story. So cute. I i'm gonna try to see if i can remember that one because i have had occasion uh the past couple of years to like tuck in various children before before bed i just know a lot more people with kids than i used to yeah and and i generally like kids we tend to get along but a lot of them a lot of them have asked me for bedtime stories. And then as soon as they asked me for one, I'm like, I can't think of a single one that's an appropriate story that I would actually want to tell a child. I think the Toad Bridegroom would be a good one, though.

Toad Bridegroom is going in the arsenal. Absolutely. But I think so is this one. That was really lovely. If the next time I get asked for a bedtime story, I think maybe I'll pull that one out. Yeah. So gorgeous. I don't think you get any points.

Yeah, because it wasn't like the water was a barrier to another world, really. It was the bridge was more than anything else. She didn't drink it. She washed her face in it. She didn't drink it. was more than anything else. She didn't drink it. She washed her face in it. She didn't drink it.

And my third one was that like a star would fall to the earth and that definitely didn't happen. So no points for me. But I did love what did happen. Yeah. It was a fun one. That was really, really cute. So the story I'm going to read you today is from the same book, obviously, because that's what we're doing today. And I'm going with The Wounded Swan, which is from the metamorphosis part of the book.

And before you make predictions, I wanted to read the snippet at the beginning of the metamorphosis section, which I just think is really lovely and well-worded as everything that Lisa writes always is. Sounds good. So it begins with like a snippet of poetry from the poem The Brook by Lord Tennyson, which he was doing most of his writing in 1809 to 1892. And it says, and out again, I curve and flow to join the brimming river, for men may come and men may go, but I go on forever. I know, isn't that beautiful? Yeah, I love it. I just made a face at me, like, ooh. Kelsey made an ooh face at me, so.

That's gorgeous. Yeah, and then the rest of the paragraph introducing this section of the book is, the natural world is full of changes from one state of being into another. Chrysalis into butterfly, leaf into soil, sunlight into energy. Within these processes, water is one of the deciding factors. Water makes up most of our bodies and the bodies of other living things around us, and we could not live without it for very long. This is reflected in our folk folk tales where water is often a major part of magical transformation water creatures change as we interact with them often becoming more than

they originally appeared the river changes us flows through us inspires us and washes us clean to start again whether in this life or the next okay isn't that beautiful? Yes. I love that so much. I'm really excited because The Wounded Swan is one that I wanted to read. No, I wanted you just to read it in the book. As I was thumbing through it, I was like, oh, that I love that title I think it was because I had a migraine yay I'm glad your migraine intervened so that I could read it to you so knowing knowing that uh about this section of the book and that it's called the wounded swan yeah what are your predictions I want to predict that the swan dies. Okay. But obviously the swan has to change into something else. So maybe the swan is resurrected as a human.

I'm going to go with that. Oh, I like that. And for my third prediction, I want to predict that there is another character that's a fish. I don't know. I'm not using this part as part of the prediction, just the fish character part, but I'm sort of like imagining a mean fish that's mean to the swan. I don't know why. Love a mean fish. That's fantastic. You know what? I'm going to put that's my prediction. Just a mean fish. Mean fish. I don't know why. I feel like that would be funny though

so before i start the story i want to give a quick trigger warning just in case anybody is just not in the mood to hear even vague references to certain things today uh and they are super they are super vague there are no explicit details, but referenced in this story are sexual assaults, kidnapping, forced labor, and domestic violence, just in general. So if that's not something you even want to hear vaguely about at all today, you have my full permission to just skip this story and we love you and protect your peace. So as with the story that Kelsey read, Lisa has prefaced the story with just a little bit of background about it first. So here's the background. Britain and Ireland

have three species of swan, which was news to me. The the mute swan one of the largest flying birds in the world is there all year round the whooper and smaller bewix swans bowick swans are winter visitors only and are said to herald icy conditions and those are the only two that i think she actually mentions uh but mute swans are the most common out of all of the species of swan. Okay. Oh, no, she mentioned two. She said the whooper and the bellic.

Oh, the whooper was a different swan. The whooper is a different kind of swan. But mute swans are the most common and the British Isles hold about half of all of the mute swans in Europe. Oh, wow. During the 20th century, many swans suffered from lead poisoning, but bird numbers have increased dramatically since anglers lead weights were

banned in 1987. Lisa says, I will never forget several years ago was witnessing a Somerset stretch of the M5 motorway being held up by over a dozen swans who decided they wanted to sit on the road which actually kind of rolls into like i've got a quick side story about like i went i went to visit england as a kid with my parents because they were teaching the the london semester for their university and they took my sister and i to go see windsor castle which is this famous famous castle uh where the queen's swans

are uh like they're they're protected swans these are the queen swans none may mess with them nor harass them and you couldn't if you wanted to because these swans will bully you they were they were about maddie's size because maddie was i was eight and Maddie was six or seven at the at the time I can't remember and these swans were about her size they were huge and they were mean and they bullied us up and down the stretch of river where they were hanging out but back to back to Lisa's preface once upon a time all swans in England were said to belong to the monarch and their favorite subjects on the swan roll. Many unfortunate swans had their wings clipped or their beaks notched to denote ownership and make them easier to catch for the table. Roasted swan was a royal dish indeed, sometimes yielding up to 20 pounds of cooked meat per bird.

But by law, nobody was allowed to catch or shoot a swan without permission, no matter how hungry they were. Which that rule also applied to like, you couldn't, you couldn't hunt stags in like the King's forest. That was for the King only. That makes sense. I also really want to try a swan now.

I bet it's delicious. And also if it's only for, if it's only for the queen, I want to try a swan now. I bet it's delicious. And also, if it's only for the queen, I want to eat some. It sounds so fancy. I've never thought about eating a swan. Mm-hmm. It does sound fancy. Roast swan for Thanksgiving. Roast swan.

So the graceful regal swan also appears frequently in heraldry the symbol of lisa's own home county of buckinghamshire is a swan with a gold coronet and a chain around its neck possibly referring to a mythical knight of the swan somewhere in the county's history our culture has a complicated relationship with swans they can be considered a good omen, with bad luck following anyone who kills them, but swans are often persecuted too. Roald Dahl's harrowing short story, The Swan, made a powerful impression on me as a child. This dark little tale comes from the Cambridgeshire Fens, long since drained. And now here is actually the story of the wounded swan. On the Fens in the old days, people often went hungry, and in the summer when the water was

lower, there were only so many fish and waterfowl to go around. But there were some birds you didn't eat no matter what, and they included the swans. In one part of the fen, seven huge swans would hold court day after day, paddling the fen and swimming on the lazy river nearby. No other waterfowl dared to try and land in that bit of fen for the fear of the seven swans which makes sense to me because they're vicious and mean that's what i was thinking when it's like you just don't eat swans because you can't because they won't let you like good luck couldn't if you wanted to. Yeah, exactly. Beautiful, but deadly. I love that so much more than no, it's a protected bird that even if you're starving to death,

only the king may eat it. Yeah, it's just because no one could get near him. Yeah, it's more just because they're so vicious. No one dares. I like that. So no other waterfowl dare to try to land in that bit of fen for fear of the seven swans if anyone even so much as tried to steal an egg they would get more trouble than it was worth i'm still thinking about these swans bullying everybody me too it's like a gang gang. It's got little biker jackets. It's a mob. Sorry, this would be like the sharks. It's the swans. Oh, why do I feel like that makes such a cute cartoon? I want it. I want this. I want a cartoon of both of our stories. So people in the area worried about those seven swans. They said it was bad luck to set eyes on them, let alone hear them flying over you. People would cross themselves if they lay awake at night and heard the beating of seven pairs of swans wings through the air

above them. One year, the crops failed and the disease and the cattle was bad. So a lot of people went hungry. It wasn't a good time to be a waterfowl on the fen that summer. A young fowler lived on the edge of the fen, and he was a good shot. He knew how to get something for the pot if you asked, and he wasn't afraid of breaking the rules. He fancied himself a bit above the law on account of his shooting skills. Oh. Yeah.

He sounds kind of hot. Yeah, it sounds really hot, especially if you're hungry and he could bring. Oh. Yeah. He sounds kind of hot. Yeah, it sounds really hot, especially if you're hungry and he could bring you food. Yeah. Sounds sexy. That summer, after no proper food

for three whole days, the Fowler decided that no rule was sacred and that he would take matters into his own hands. Early the next morning, the Fowler crept along the track through the fen,owler crept along the track

through the fen, shielded from sight by the tall reeds in the ditch, and he spied the seven swans on the marsh beyond, feeding. He raised his gun to his shoulder, took aim, and fired. Six of the swans rose in the air

in a flurry, wings beating wildly, but the seventh could not fly. It had been shot through the wing. And the fowler thinks, so far, so good good now i've just got to get it out of there he leapt over the ditch landing ankle deep in mud and cursed then he scrabbled forward into the marsh with a huge cloth sack and tried to pick up the fighting injured bird the other swans descended on the fowler then hissing and pecking and beating him with their

huge wings he would have died for sure but he snatched his iron knife from his belt and brandished it at the birds instantly they recoiled now they're in a knife fight now they're in a knife fight i know i know the gang imagery is just getting even better i really love that he just whips out a knife and they all know that it's a knife and they just like they're like whoa whoa man it's cool well i think i think the implication is that it's an iron knife and the type of metal it is matters because in in folklore iron is often deadly to fairy creatures or magical creatures i've heard iron iron is something they can't come in contact with so i think they're implying oh they're implying something it's something so as soon as he takes out his iron knife and brandishes it at the birds they recoil and he finally manages to pick up the injured swan

using the iron knife as a threat to get it to come to get it to calm down and then bruised and breathless he carries a heavy sack full of struggling swan all the way back to his cottage it's totally gonna turn into like a beautiful woman you fucking know it i'm really sad there's no mean fish but story's not over that That's a mean fish. And then this fish jumped up and was like, Hey, fuck you guys. You guys,

it's the swans and the fishes instead of the sharks and the debt, the sharks and the jets. Yes, exactly. Sorry. Go on. The swan stayed still on the kitchen floor, a cloud of white feathers on the flagstones with one wing stained with blood.

It was a beautiful creature, quiet and dignified and intelligent, and for a moment the fowler felt a little guilty for what he had done. The swan stayed quite still as he opened up the damaged wings to take a look at the wound. Still, the fowler's belly was rumbling wildly and demanding attention. He had to find the quickest and easiest way to dispatch the bird so that he could pluck it and chop it and roast it and eat it. This amount of meat would last him for a week or more. The swan's neck was slender and definitely ringable, but he didn't like the look of that sharp beak.

There. She has a very ringable neck. They do. They're so long, you justable neck. They do. They're so long. You just grab them. I know. But that beak is very impressive. So he decides to go outside and fetch his axe.

Smart. When he returned, you're very smart because you called it, the swan had disappeared. In its place, standing on the flagstones and looking at him defiantly, was a pale young woman dressed in white with long golden yellow hair and dark eyes. She's all pissed. She's pissed. He shot her in the wing and kidnapped her. Also, can I just say, I love the idea that maybe the swans are only protected by the queen because the queen or the the royalty the royal family whatever knows that they're actually fey and they're actually protecting everyone else oh i love that

implication yeah that's a fun idea i like that a lot i've got movie ideas on my head going yes sarah write us a new fairy tale yes about this please do the fowler obviously couldn't kill and eat a young woman so he obviously obviously oh man so he does you know the usual fairy tale thing to her instead he binds up her injured arm and decides that she would live with him and keep the house and do all the things a wife might do. She had no say in the matter. He made sure that she never went beyond the four walls of his little cottage. Yeah.

So now she doesn't get to she's not eaten. She gets to be a slave. She gets to be his. That's much better. Yeah. She gets to. Yeah. She gets to be his slave. That's there better. Yeah. She gets to be his slave. There's no other way to put it. Yeah. And the thing that I kind of like about the story,

and I'm not sure if that is Lisa's influence on it or if this is the way the story originally went, but the story is a lot more honest about what this is than I think other fairy tales that we've read have been yeah like maybe romanticized it a little yeah and other fairy tales it's like oh you know she so like he discovered it was actually a lady and so she stayed with him and became his wife um yeah and it was all fine and totes totes good and this is a lot more honest about no so he decided that he was going to keep her there and she didn't have a say in the matter yep and it's even more explicit in the next paragraph so he made sure that she never went beyond the four walls of his little cottage the swan maiden never spoke she never. And she also never agreed to what was asked of her,

but he took her to bed that night. All the same. Boo. Boo. Boo. The first night he woke in the dark to the sound of great wings beating outside. The other six swans had arrived outside the cottage pecking and crashing

against the doors and the windows beating the roof and stamping on the ground outside the door was barred and the swans couldn't get through the tiny windows of the cottage so the fowler laughed part in fear part in defiance ha he called out through the noise i haven't taken the king swans after all i've broken no law i have taken a swan maiden instead and you will never have her back. What a dick. He's a lot less hot now. Yeah. Fuck this guy. Yeah, this guy got way less sexy. That was fast. Really fast. It took an absolute nosed dive as soon as he decided to uh keep a woman against her will we were rooting for you we were and then you ruined it by being an absolute monster laughing oh my gosh yeah that's evil he's evil the young woman lay in the dark and listened to

her siblings beat against the cottage walls, and she smiled to herself. The Fowler and the Swan Woman lived together in that little cottage for seven days, and every night the six swans outside beat their wings against the walls. After seven days, the arm of the Swan Maiden was healed. Over the scar and all the way along her slender arms, feathers of pure gleaming white were beginning to sprout she's gonna kill him i um yeah what's what's this he shouted i'll have no fairy tricks in this house and he began to beat her black and blue what the fuck the swan maiden's neck became long and curved then her nose hardening to a yellow beak with black around the eyes and her long arms changed to great white wings

the fowler had a great swan in the cottage now and it was angry a swan is a much better fighter than a fowler it nipped and pecked and smacked him about with its wings, forcing him towards the door, forcing him to open the door and then to go outside into the yard where the other six swans are waiting for him. Yeah. The seven swans beat their gleaming white wings and they pushed and pecked the fowler towards the middle of the fen. His body was found there the next day, bloodied and and broken face down in the marsh mud with the swans feeding peacefully nearby i love it nobody else bird or human ever dared go there after that the end fucking amazing that was such a good story I know so good honestly no fixes

except to you know except to wish that the Fowler was a different sort of person but then we wouldn't have the story yeah that's true yeah but I love the story I love the story that like he does what so many fairy tale men have done before him

this story really reminds me of those selkie stories that we read a few months ago. And about how because this exact kind of same thing happens where, you know, single man finds finds injured seal or or seal skin or something on the beach and then takes the woman home to be his wife. And she has to come with him because he has her skin. And then he proceeds to hide her skin from her for until she is able to steal it back and leave. And those stories totally romanticize that and make it seem like somewhat okay or somewhat consensual that this is happening at all and i like that the story is just totally up front with like nope this man did a bad thing and then he died yep i love that uh the swan smiles to herself like she she's like we're gonna fucking kill you when i get yeah As soon as this is healed, you're dead.

My siblings have come for me and they have let me know that they're here and that they're waiting for me. And that as soon as I'm healed, we're going to fuck this guy up together. Yeah. Yeah. I love everything about that story, too. I love that it is a more probably I don't know about like more realistic. Obviously, it's still a fairy tale but it's you know kind of more it's just more real it's a lot darker i love it yeah it's a lot darker

and it's a and it's a revenge story in a in a way that i that i really like so good good story. I would rank this one in sort of the same category as the snake's lover as man doing a bad, get beat to death by woman's family. Man doing a bad. That's the title of the episode. Damn. Oh, my God. That was so good. Thank you for reading reading that one i am so glad i did not me too i because after i read it i was like oh my god i cannot wait to read this to kelsey because this is so this is so dark and so spooky and i love that it's sort of like it's the dark it's the darker side of it's the darker side of fairies and also the darker side of people in the same story and I really I like that and it

was such a drastic turn from my story in the same book so highly recommend this book go out and go out and get a copy um or rent from the library, you know, whatever. But yeah, if you go to our show notes, we have a link that you can purchase it from our I guess we're affiliates through bookshop.org. So we'll actually get a little bit for it as well. Yeah, it's one way to support our podcast. If you are in the mood to read any book that we ever recommend. We also get a little kickback from that if you buy it through our bookshop.org link. So we'd appreciate you. Freaking awesome. Thank you for reading that. That was absolutely

incredible. You're welcome. Thank you for reading me your story. That was so charming. We had two very different stories from the exact same book. And I love that. Uh huh. That is gonna do it for us today on that note. So thank you so much for listening to fairy tale fix. If you enjoy our show, please subscribe and leave us a review wherever you are allowed to I believe Apple you can leave a review. There are a couple of other places that you can check your podcast app or leave us a rating. We'd really appreciate it. It's how other people can find us and know that we're worth listening to. There are other ways to support us if you want. You can go get extra episodes, merch, books, and other bonus content at our Patreon by signing up at fairytalefix.cash for about what you'd pay for a latte a month.

You can find us on Twitter and Instagram at fairytalefixpod. And you can also email us your favorite fairy tales, folklore, nursery rhymes, basically whatever you want at info at fairytalefixpod.com. We truly love hearing from you. And although the girl did not get to dance with the stars in the sky, she looked back fondly on the incredible adventure that she had been on. And the Swan Maiden, after the totally cathartic murder

of this horrible man, found peace and healing and support from her siblings and was never troubled again. And they all lived happily ever after. The end.