Fairy Tale Fix - 49: Sweet Selkie Nips (ft. Aloreing)

Episode Date: September 27, 2022

This week’s episode is very ~aloreing~ and features some very special guests! Kimmy and Ryan from the comedy folklore & cryptid podcast Aloreing join us to talk creatures and cryptids found in fairy and folk tales (when we can find them). Will their prior knowledge of Jezinkas and Kelpies help them better predict the endings of these classic folk tales? Kelsey reads a story featuring Jezinkas which are evil forest witch maidens called Smolicheck: The Story of a Little Boy Who Opened the Door, and Abbie reads a couple of short stories about Water Horses. Listen to more of Kimmy & Ryan at Aloreing.com.

I'll do anything Baba Yaga says. That's all it takes. You don't have to. Yeah. What other choices? You don't have any good choices. No. and we're back this is fairy tale fix again again i'm i'm Kelsey. I'm Abby. We've got this intro thing down. We've got it down, Pat. And we are today joined by a special guest from one of our favorite

podcasts, Alluring. Welcome. We're so fucking excited that you guys are here. Cue the clapping in the audience. Dustin, throw in some. Dustin, put in some clapping. As you all should. No. He won't. He hates sound effects. He's like, I'm not bad enough for that. He thinks they're cheesy. What?

Come on. You're the cheesiest person I know, really. I know. It's shocking. Anyway, Kimmy and Ryan, introduce yourselves. Tell us a little bit about your podcast. You want to go first, Ryan? Sure.

Hello, I'm Ryan, the co-host of our podcast, Alluring. And this is Kimmy with us. Yeah, that's me. My name's Kimmy. I am also the co-host. It is Ryan and I ship over on the Folklore Cryptid gang over there. And we are super over the moon to be here with y'all today we talk about cryptids and folklore each episode we will dive into a creature and we will tell you all about their

history their impacts and pop culture and some cool stories um am i missing anything ryan no i don't think so that pretty much nails it um we're the least experienced experts uh you can find and we have cool illustrations for every episode so if you're all about that cool artsy folklore cryptid life go check it out we make um terribly beautiful merch we just released some milf mothmans oh my gosh absolutely incredible artwork kimmy's amazing that's the dream that's amazing bless bless our team group group chat because it was it was the weirdest time of the day and And I was like, I'm making a MILF shirt. And I said that. It was like noon on a Wednesday. And I just get a picture of a mothman wearing tights.

And like, it was beautiful. Oh, my God. I cannot wait to listen to the episode to find out what joke inspired that. Or you can just tell me right now. That was very just, I was like, oh, it's a Wednesday. And I feel the love of the internet seems so chaotic. That wasn't even connected to the episode. No, not at all.

I don't think we've done Mothman yet. He's on the list. I was wondering. I was wondering for it. But I wanted to see some. You've got a great joke locked and loaded for Mothman then. We have the episode title down way before we even start. Yeah.

Yeah. So Kimmy and Ryan are totally awesome. Alluring is a fantastic podcast that you should definitely listen to. It goes into all of the cryptids that we always talk about that we can never find in fairy tales. Or sometimes we do. I think they have a Baba Yaga episode. They did a Kraken episode, which wasn't a fairy tale,

but that's just one of my, that's my favorite cryptid. So good. Speaking of, Kimmy and Ryan, what are your favorite cryptids? Ooh. Oh man, there's so many.

Not the Beast of Bosco. Nope nope the beast of bosco is bullshit i listened to that episode recently and i totally agree with ryan the baby beast of bosco yeah it's just a big turtle that's yeah don't don't be don't be fooled um anybody i got one and ryan's to hate one of the reasons I like it. I love the jackalope because I have a pet rabbit, and she's a little Holland dwarf, and she's adorable and sassy, and she has little antlers I'll put on her for Halloween. Oh, my gosh.

I cannot wait to see pictures of this. Yes. I can't remember if you guys do something where you post it, but if not, I will send it and you guys can post. Definitely repost that. That sounds adorable. I love the Jackalope.

I also love the Jackalope because it loves bourbon and it has forbidden milk. That is the most Wyoming thing I've ever heard. It has, I'm sorry, rewind. It has forbidden milk? Apparently. Why is the milk forbidden? If you are brave enough to milk a jackalope,

its milk has healing properties. jackalope it's milk has healing properties so it's the forbidden jackalope titty and that's and ryan hates it and i love yeah yeah we had a whole we had the whole section on it and it was the worst i love jackalopes my family's's actually from Wyoming and I went there as a child and I was obsessed with the idea of the jackalope. My great aunt even got me like a car that was like, I'm a certified jackalope hunter or something. Yes! I know exactly which one you're talking about. Yeah. I have that printed, but not on my wall yet. So good. I think my favorite, it's the Loveland Frogman.

Just because he gets more ridiculous in every story you read. Like the first one, like he's just chilling with his homies and the cops come and he scatters. Another one, he just starts casting spells at people. He's been described as being caked up, which is exciting. Caked up. I love that. Caked up. Uh-huh. He squats. Yeah. Yeah. He's the best. Wait, what is caked up? Like he's all caked up on a Thursday afternoon. Yeah. Thursday afternoon. She's a thick boy. Oh, okay.

He got ass is what we're trying to say. Yeah, that's what we're trying to say. Okay, you really have to spell these things out. Yeah, I was trying to be polite to the frog man. S, S. He's got a juicy posterior. Yes. So we've been told. I love this.

So on the opposite end, and not really opposite, but just more on our end, what is your favorite childhood fairy tale? I think my favorite fairy tale is probably Hansel and Gretel. Because I remember the original one growing up well not the original but like the version I heard growing up was just like this nice little oh they made candy and they found a candy house and then like the real version's like crazy dark like they're like cooking children and like cooking the witch and everything yeah and like their parents are like leaving them in the woods. Yeah. Death.

Yeah. They didn't just get lost. They got, they got thrown out there. It's rough. Yeah. Fairytale parents are not good. No,

that's what we've learned. Yeah. Almost never. Yeah. We don't do a ton of fairy tales, but yeah. In the few we have. Yeah. They're,

they're, they're usually terrible people or they're dead yeah we're dead yeah you can't have it both right yeah that's a fantastic favorite choice uh hans and gretel is a classic for a reason that's a that's a good one i'm i'm sorry i swear i have my book but my office is turned around because I have a Harry Potter party coming up. I have this like old mermaid fairy tale book and it's the prettiest thing ever. And I feel you guys would love it for your show. So I will send a picture after. But yes, please. I love the classic Little Mermaid, even though it makes me cry.

It's just like it's just so beautiful like i love the art in it and everything it's just yeah it's just pretty that's all that's all i need to make me Hans Christian Andersen is such a just poetic author he he just makes you feel like you're in a dream and i adore that absolutely that's such a good way to describe his writing or a nightmare depending on the fairy tale so but it's but kind of like a gorgeous like very a gorgeous very dreamy uh you know sensual nightmare is poetic nightmare there There we go. If you were to describe all of his stories, just that statement, just take that statement for the rest of time and you know what you're talking about. Oh, I love that. What's your guys' favorite out of the two of you?

I'm so curious. Oh, my gosh. I don't know. That's an ever-shifting target the more fairy tales we read. Okay. Do you have like a childhood one that like speaks to your soul my favorite like like kind of fairy tale that everyone knows because right now it's definitely the toad bridegroom it's an episode we did a while back so good it was it's a korean fairy tale that's just it's hilarious and it's my favorite thing ever but like the

clap from the classics little red riding hood definitely i love that one you would love the comic i started to work on i've been starting because it's about slavic folklore and the two main characters are based off red and the wolf nice. I definitely need to check that out. How are you sharing it? I just started it. So it's on my art Instagram. Nice. Do you want to give it a plug?

What's the name of it? So my art Instagram is the lost world of she, but the comic and it's, I just started, I'm super excited for it, but it's called the lore of lovers. So you'll be seeing more of that magical realm and i'm super excited about it cool definitely check it out yeah i think my brain has been totally

taken over by the ones that we've done on the podcast which tend towards the tend towards the more obscure i guess uh out of the ones that everybody would know, I would have said Sleeping Beauty, except then we did Sleeping Beauty. And I actually hate that story. That's fair. Well, there's a lot of different versions, though. Yeah. But I can only remember the most fucked up one at the moment. Yeah, which is probably the most fucked up fairy tale of all time so messed up so that's you

know that's a hard that's a hard pass uh stories that are really about non-consensual things happening for months and months oh my god um probably out of like the ones that people are familiar with i think aladdin has risen to the top oh yeah that's a good one that we did that on a very recent episode and that was a good fucking time that we both listened to that one yeah we both really that one was that was a good story i was like oh i like i was doing my workout because that's when i do my podcast time and i know it's like a good story because like after my workout i'm like i think i'll just like stretch for a minute no that's a great one oh my goodness this is so fun another question that we had for you that is the question i am personally looking forward

to hearing the answer to the most is what's the sexiest cryptid i think i would like to defer to my previous answer of the loved one frogman he does sound like a hottie he's got a good tushy. Plays instruments, casts spells, squats. So he's also like a musician bad boy. Yeah. He also sounds super sexy. And he doesn't chase after you. No, he runs. Oh, yeah.

You have to chase him. Yeah. Mm-hmm. That's pretty hot stuff, Ryan. Kimmy, do you have a contender can i guess kimmy what you're gonna say maybe so kimmy has a problem with um um very evil um cryptids that also just happen to be attractive women um she so we do we do a thing called our alignment chart where we put people as like good or evil and um she put like yeah ya rona not sure

if you're familiar um as like lawful good um so i'm gonna go with lawful. Good. Yeah. Yeah. I will take it to my grave. First of all, bitch had a tragic life. I get, she had a moment. She stopped snap. She may have killed some of her kids. Okay.

And other people's. For that. I am asked as her as a person, how I see her. And she's a beautiful Latino woman that was was betrayed by a man and I get that so I think she is good she's just going through it like girl's hot she's struggling I I went through my 20s I get it. I completely understand. And it kills Ryan each time. She is technically more a ghost, though.

That's fair. My boyfriend. So if we're doing cryptid, I'm going to say Kraken. And all you weirdos out there know why. And I'm going to leave it at that. Hey, yo. I'm going to leave it at that. Hey, yo. So, because normally it's more sirens and stuff, but that's more folklore.

I thought you were going to go with selkies, but. They're more folklore. Also more folklore. Yeah. Yeah. No, the Kraken is also a unconventional choice, but also I don't disagree. Yeah. Thank you.

See, you get it. You must play D&D if you't disagree. Yeah. Thank you. See, you get it. You must play D and D if you get it. Yeah. Whenever you do the alignment chart at the end of your, at the end of your episode, like I just, I always really enjoyed that part. Oh, thank goodness.

Cause I'll get messages from like a lot of supporters and I can tell immediately who's team Kimmy and team Ryan. Then I'll go to my brother's house and hang out with my sister along him. And he's like, you know, Ryan was right last right last time i'm like i don't need this from you i was like you're my sibling you should be on my side and he's like you were wrong i was like okay we know our sexy what unconventional choices we went with. We got the Loveland Frog and the Kraken. I love it so much. The Kraken makes sense.

I like the two of you. I think we're all going to get along really well. Unconventional choices for who's hot. It's a classic feature. I think that's such a good example of why you should go listen to Alluring and learn about all these cryptids. Because there are so many. I don't know. So we picked a couple of cryptids

for our fairy tales and it was hard because one, there are so many cryptids and two, fairy tales are very vague about the cryptids that are in them or folklore creatures unless it's Baba Yaga. Because she is queen, so i get it we almost we almost went with a baba yaga story but we didn't so

why did you start a cryptid folklore podcast That's all Kimmy. Yay! I started it like right before quarantine. Because at the time, was I single at that time? I think that was before I met Edgar. But anyway, I was like a single girl in my 20s. And I'm like, I want to draw more. And I found folklore interesting and cryptid so it's like well if I learn about it and I'm telling all my friends about it anyway because they want to hear about it I might as well see if I can do something with it and I started it for a minute

with someone else but the day came where I was like I need someone that is going to be passionate about it with me. And Ryan was like, he just appeared. And Ryan and I have been friends since college. So we've known each other for a minute. And I was like, do you want to get on a chaotic cryptid folklore ship with me? And he was like, all hell yeah about it. Well, that's what I tell people. He was so hyped. He cried, actually, because he was so hyped. True, yeah. On the phone, in tears. Huge tears.

Yeah, I could see it. So just to draw, that's like the reason I started it, just so I could have drawing prompts. Well, your artwork is so amazing. I don't know if I've told you this before which i'm sure i have but it's i love your artwork it's so gorgeous it's so beautiful i'm always like i wish kippy worked for us because like it's so beautiful so everybody go listen to alluring they are hilarious it's so much fun and go follow them on instagram um and and tiktok you guys are killing it

i know we talked about this before but tiktok is fucking hard making all those like videos and you guys are i love them so much they're so good mostly tiktok is ryan sending me things to do i'm like i guess you're killing it. No, that's what you need though. You need someone to come up with the ideas and then someone else like, you know, Kimmy's the doer,

like the doer in this duo, I guess. I just say stuff and then Kimmy does it and it works out so well. Cause I, perfect. Yeah. Yeah. We got,

we got idea person and we got execution person and it's just a beautiful balance of chaos at this point i love it real quick before we move on ryan we heard why kimmy started the podcast so why did you say yes to joining it um yeah i mean i just thought it was interesting um i remember when kimmy first started it um we had kind of talked like not about me being on it but just about it in general and i really liked the idea but she had a different co-host and then one day she was like hey you want to do that and i was just like absolutely like i felt like i felt like the water boy on the sideline who just like got called in to play finally. It was awesome.

I was like, you're up. Yeah. Got called up to the show or whatever they say. Yeah, exactly. So I picked a very specific, I don't know if this is like a cryptid or folklore creature. Kimmy and Ryan will have to tell you about that.

I picked Jazinga, Jazingi. And so I think this is going to be really exciting. So Abby and I are going to read a fairy tale about a specific cryptid. And then Kimmy and Ryan are going to tell us about the cryptid afterward. So they've got a little bit of knowledge on this. So they're going to make predictions on our fairy tale, knowing what cryptid is in it. And so they've got a little bit of a head up, which they're gonna make predictions on our fairy tale knowing what cryptid is in it and so they've got a little bit of a head up which i think is kind of fun i think it's exciting yeah and i am not gonna revel too much about this cryptid uh in the beginning of the

story for you know because i want it to be kind of kimmy and ryan's thing afterward but i will say it was inspired from a story we did previously and i will talk about that later okay black spoilers so this story is um from chukl slavlakia or it's a slavic fairy tale i couldn't really find like specifically where it's from but it's called smolicek the story of a little boy who opened the door of a little boy who opened the door. So if all of you want to give me three predictions for Smolichek, the story of a little boy who opened the door. I will go first to set an example.

I predict that Smolichk is the boy's name. Okay. I mean, I, what? That's, that's really going out there. I'm going out on a limb.

I'm really scared. You're about to steal my, my phone. Um, the door that he opens oh no you can make similar predictions yeah i still abby's predictions all the time honestly uh the door that he opens is in the side of a hill. Oh. Okay.

And he dies. Oh. Oh. That is a prediction for sure. Oh, God. No, never mind. No, you already said it. Take it back.

No, I want to take it back. I take it back. I take it back. I did the rewind sound. You're fine. No one will know. Well, just because it's a fairy tale. And I don't know. Usually the fairy tales are pretty kind to children.

Besides leaving them out in the middle of the woods. Okay. So maybe not kind. I take that back. That was a dumb thing to say. I don't know why I came up with that. The children tend to live that's all they usually survive whatever horrible ptsd nonsense they just need years and years of therapy so much therapy who doesn't that's why it's a whole thing now though so it's okay all works out for capitalism in the end so so there's no problems there no problem uh all right i'll let i'll let it stand i took i took i took my hand off the chess piece i'll let the prediction stand i just came up with

a better one but it's fine ryan what are your predictions so i think smulechek is not the little boy's name i think that's going to be some sort of like witch or demon type situation. I love it. Who's going to trick the boy into opening a door that they're not able to open for some reason. Oh, okay. Oh, man, I need a third one. I'll give you the one that I thought of. Oh, that'd be great. You just whisper it to the side. They don't need a third one. I'll give you the one that I thought of. Oh, that'd be great.

You just whisper it to the side. They don't need to hear it. No, the little boy loses a limb. Oh yeah, and that's exactly what I was going to say. The little boy loses a limb. Totally. Okay. I love these.

Alright, Kimmy, three predictions. Well, Smolacek does not sound sexy to me, so I do not think it's going to be a beautiful witch hag. I think it's going to be the location to shake things up. I love that. And I'm going to think the door represents the realm from life to death because in Slavic folklore, the forest represents the realm from life to death. Cause in Slavic folklore, the forest represents the passage.

So that's what I'm kind of feeling for that. Um, I think the kid's going to be a dick. Cause why not? That's solid. We're in, we got some realm dimensional stuff with a door you can pass through

and a dick of a kid that's my three predictions I feel like that might be an opinion based answer but I love it I'm super excited I love children but some of these Slavic folklores I'm going to smack them

so it's fine. All right. Well, without further ado, here's Smolacek, the story of a little boy who opened the door. And I am reading this from fairytales.com, fairytales with a Z. And as always, we'll post the link in our show notes. we'll post the link in our show notes. And also, just FYI, this is a really great website to find

fairy tales with specific cryptids because I looked up Jazingi or Jazingas and this is like one of the ones I found from fairytales.com. So, awesome website. Definitely check it out. They're fantastic. Once upon a time, there was a

little boy named Smolichick. Yes! Points for Abby! Can we make this a game? We're off to a really rough start. Yes, drink a game or... No, wink, wink. We're not wink, wink.

Totally not doing that. Smolichick lived in a little house in the woods with a deer whose name was golden antlers which is the cutest thing ever every day when golden antlers went out he told smolichek to lock the door after him and on no account to open it, no matter who knocked. If you disobey me, Golden Antler said, something awful may happen. I won't

open the door, said Smolacek, always promised. Which, he is a fairy tale protagonist, so... That's a lie. Well, this deer sounds like a fae so you're lying to a fae so we're not off to a great start that's a really good point it's bad yeah golden antlers absolutely sounds like a fae but a thousand percent so smolichek promises and ensures Golden Antlers, I won't open it until you come home.

Now, one day there was a knock on the door. Oh, Smolichek thought to himself, I wonder who that is. And he called out, who's there? And from the outside, sweet voices answered. Smolichek, Smolichek, please open the door. Just a wee little crack of two fingers and no more. We'll reach in our cold little hands to get warm,

then leave without doing you the least bit of harm. So open, Smolachek, please open the door. Wish granted. Immediately. Kimmy's like, yep, definitely. Did you sing as a siren? i guess i'll open it a little bit but smolichek didn't think he ought to open the door because he remembered what golden

antlers had told him because he's a good little boy golden antlers was very kind but he spanked smolichek when smolichek was disobedient And Smolichek didn't want to get a spanking. So he put his hands over his ears and shut at the sound of the sweet voices. And that time he didn't open the door. Wow. This kid has more discipline than I do. Yeah, right. You're a good boy, Golden Antler said in the evening when he came home

those must have been the wicked little wood maidens or jazinkas if you had opened the door they would have carried you off to their cave and then what would have you have done so smolichuk was very happy to think he had obeyed golden antlers and he said he would never open the door to strangers no No, never. Great story over. Happy ending. The end. This is like my story. Okay, so. The next day, no, that's not the end. So the next day after Golden Landlers had gone out and Smolichek was left alone, alone again there came a knocking on the door

and when small check called out who's there voices sweeter than ever answered small check small check please open the door just a wee little crack of two fingers no more we'll reach our cold little hands to get warm then leave without doing you the least bit of harm. So open, Smolichak, please open the door. And Smolichak said, no, he couldn't open the door. He thought to himself that he would like to have one peep at the wooden maidens just to see what they looked like. But he mustn't open the door, even a crack. No, he mustn't.

And the little wood maidens kept on begging him and shivering and shaking and telling him how cold they were until Smolchak felt very sorry for them. Also creeped out as hell. That is so creepy. That is creepy. Like, oh, go. To think of it, this kid has a fae parent that spanks them. So I feel like what scares him is completely different than what scared us as children.

Solid point. He's probably like, typical Tuesday, am I right? That is very true. Well, I don't think it would matter, Smolichek said to himself, if I open the door just a weenie teeny bit. So he opened the door just a tiny crack, and instantly two little white fingers popped in, and then two more, and then two more, and two more,

and then little white hands, and then little white arms, and then before Smolichek knew what was happening a whole bevy of little wood maidens were in the room. They danced around Smolichek and they howled and they yelled and they took hold of him and dragged him out of the house and away toward the woods. Oh my god.

I want to point out real quick that as soon as he opened the door that Ryan made like a oh my god gesture. Ryan threw up his head. God damn it. You gotta, you gotta have rules in life. And one of them is if someone's trying to tell you to do something in like

poem form, just don't do it. Do not. Yeah. And you know, that's the one rule. Yeah. I think it's great.

That's the only rule actually. Someone's genre savvy. That's the one rule. Yeah. I think it's great advice. That's the only rule, actually. Someone's genre savvy. Specifically poem form. Yeah. If it rhymes. Don't do it. Well, Smolchek was dreadfully frightened and he screamed out with all his might. Oh, dear golden antlers, wherever you are are in valley or mountain or pasture afar come quick

don't delay the wicked wood middens are dragging away your little smolichek come quick don't delay oh baby this time by good luck the deer was not far away and when he heard smolichek's cry he bounded up and drove the little wood maidens off and carried smolichek home on his antlers when they got home he put smolichek across his knee and gave him something. You know what? Was it a spanking? To make him remember not to obey next time. Poor baby.

I know. He's skimming already. You're going to spank him? I know, right? It's not really necessary. Insult to injury. Don't do it. You're just like solidifying a weird

fae daddy kink when they're older. Don't do that. Oh my god. There's so much wrong with that. He's scared. He is. And Kimmy, that's like at best. At best. He ends up with a daddy cake

I agree I just saw Ryan's reaction and I'm crying definitely a parenting choice and I don't have kids so i'm not sure but that doesn't seem like the right time i don't have kids and i am pretty sure and always willing to give a firm opinion about things i don't really have knowledge about don't spank your kids don't do it you can do it but wait especially not after being almost kidnapped by yeah poor little guy he's learned his lesson he's learned a few other things too so we're gonna see here give me another prediction real fast do all of you think that smolichek learned his lesson absolutely not no i want to stick to my daddy fake kink perry that wasn'll find that one in for 500.

Smolichek was like, that wasn't that bad. I'm going to do it again. Okay. Well, Smolichek cried and he said he never, never, never would open the door again, no matter how sweetly the woodmaidens begged. For some days. For some days, no one came to the door and again one afternoon there was a knocking and sweet voices called out small check small check please open the door just a wee little crack of two fingers no more we'll reach in our cold little hands to get warm then leave without doing you the least bit of harm so open smolichak please open the door but smolichak pretended he didn't hear then when

the little wood maiden then when the little wood maidens began to shake and to shiver and cry with the cold and beg him to open the door just a little crack so that they could warm their hands he said to them no i won't open the door not even a teeny weeny crack because if i do you'll push in as you did before and catch me and drag me off and the little wood maiden said god oh no small jack we wouldn't do that we'd never think of such a thing and besides besides, if we did take you with us, you'd have a much better time with us than you have here. Shut up in a little house all alone with golden antlers is off having a good time by himself. We'd give you pretty toys and we'd play with you and you'd be very happy.

Yeah, see, here's where I do open the door. Yeah, okay. I was going to say. Suddenly I'm on the wood elves, or the wood witch's side, whatever they are. I knew you guys would come over eventually. I just had to give it time. When she kidnapped him, I'm like,

the problem here is he is underage. But everything else, like if it was me, different story. You know, I want to know how Smolichek came to be with golden antlers in the first place like did golden antlers kidnap him golden antlers came to his door yeah oh you know if he's a fair if he's a fey creature as he says as with most fairy, there's not enough background.

Well, the thing is, if a child gets lost in a forest, typically a lot of Slavic folklore, the Fae will take them. Because they're like passing from life to death. So they're there to make the transition easier. So maybe he doesn't want the kid to die. So he's leaving him in the forest in the home. So that's a way to make it really sweet after the whole thing i said because that's the backstory i love it it's perfect gotta balance it out we figured kimmy figured it out so after all that sweet stuff it says it reads reads, Just think, Smolacek listened to them until he believed what they

said. Then he opened the door just a little crack and instantly all of those naughty little woodmanes pushed into the room, seized Smolacek and dragged him off. They told him they would kill him if he cried for help. Which is a red flag.

No. But nevertheless, Smolacek called out with all of his might. Oh, dear golden antlers, wherever you are, in valley or mountain or pasture afar, come quick, don't delay. The wicked woodmaidens are dragging away your little Smolichek. Come quick, don't delay. But this time, golden antlers was far away and didn't hear him. So no one came to help smolichek

and the woodmaidens carried him off to their cave i mean on one hand i want to know what happens i'm very excited i'm glad golden antlers is too far away on the other hand why uh why were you not monitoring this boy a little more closely now that you know that he's an idiot. He promised. Never open the door. In kid talk is until I feel like doing it again. Yeah. Yeah.

He's like at this moment I'm not going to do it. Exactly that. But when I'm done playing with my race cars we'll talk about it. Yeah. We'll revisit it. I am not currently lying.

That's it. Well, there, at their cave, instead of playing with him, they tormented him and teased him and made faces at him. But they did give him all he wanted to eat. In fact, they stuffed him with food, especially sweets. And every day they would pinch him and say to each other, Sister, do you think he's

fat enough yet to know? My death! I was right! I was right! Imagine poor Smolacek's feelings when he found out they were fattening him on sweets because they expected to roast him and eat him. Point for Kimmy. Ha! Finally, one day after they had spent stuffing him for a long time, they cut his little finger with a knife to see how fat he was.

Yum, yum. The wicked little woodmaidens cried. He's fat enough. Today we can roast him. So they took off his clothes and laid him in a kneading trough and prepared him for the oven. Smolenshek was so frightened that he just screamed and screamed. But the louder he screamed, the more the woodmaidens laughed and clapped their hands.

Oh, boy. This did take a turn. It's a slap in fairytale. Well, and it took a turn directly into what? It's in Hansel and Gretel territory now. It got really dark really fast. Woo! It got really dark really fast.

Well, just as they were pushing him into the oven, Smolichek roared out, Oh, dear golden antlers, wherever you are, in valley or mountain or pasture afar, come quick, don't delay. The woodmaidens are roasting today. Your little Smolichek, come quick, don't delay. And suddenly, there was a sound of crashing branches and before the woodmaidens knew what was happening, golden antlers came

bounding into the cave. He tossed Smolichek upon his antlers and off he sped as swift as the wind. And when they got home, he laid Smolichek across his knee and gave him something. You know what? And Smolichek cried his knee and gave him something. You know what? And Smolichek cried and said that he was sorry

and he had been disobedient. And he said he would never, never, never open the door again. And this time he never did. Okay, that's good. Until he did. Until he, yeah. That's exactly what I was waiting for. I thought that Kelsey,

I thought you were going to go into until the next day. They said we were just goofing with you. We weren't, we weren't actually going to cook you. You liked all the candy, right? Yeah. Right.

You end the story like six hours later. Six hours later. The first two times, I felt bad. The third time, you know, like maybe don't follow the fairies. Don't do it. There are a lot of fairy tales where it's like eventually, you know what? I just, I want you, I want the fate to take you. That's what you deserve.

Clearly. Respect the choices. Too dumb to live. Yeah. Straight up. If you're too dumb to live, go out in a fun way. Am I right? Don't drink the fairy wine or do.

Or do. Oh my gosh abby no finally someone who validates my bad decision here's also the thing abby doesn't watch horror movies or like horror stuff like I do. And then you see what happens after you drink the very one. Do it, Abby. I will drink the fake wine with you. Yes. We'll go down together.

Bad decision, buddies. Well, I hope you have fun getting your skin eaten and being slaves forever. No, no, no. Listen, the slave heart isn't really that bad. It's because you guys can figure out, you can connect those dots. But the thing is, if Abby and I go together, we have help. You know, it's not solo journey. So if it does get shit crazy, we can look at each other and be like, we should bounce.

But if it doesn't, we have a great time and a great story at Faywine. So things to think about, make bad decisions with at least one other person. Yeah. As long as you're not doing it alone. It's the, but if you got to implement the buddy system, we're talking about drugs,

everyone. It's fine. Just make sure you have at least one sober friend for crossing the street and drinking the fairy wine. Make sure you have. We'll trade off. We'll figure out a system. We'll draw straws. We've got a plan.

And if something happens, apparently Ryan and I will come and save both of you. Yes. We got our system nothing i feel like we got it all figured out so we start hearing poems out in the forest then i'm out of there sorry yeah what's that yeah so i will say my system got a little thrown off because golden antler did show up after he said a poem. So,

you know, yeah, yeah. See, so clearly it's not foolproof. No, no, no. Your poem theory works.

If they're doing it to entice you, that's how you got to look at it. Okay. He was enticing golden antlers to come. Yeah. That's the problem. Well, you know,

it could be argued. Maybe golden antler shouldn't have, but you know, that's, that's the problem well you know it could be argued maybe golden antler shouldn't have but you know that's that's a whole nother episode let's really dig into the morality consequences let's dive deep oh yeah do you want to give a character alignment for golden antlers and the woodmanes. Yes. Say less. I was going to put the forestmanes, lawful good. Yep. Golden antler, chaotic evil.

Yep. Uh. That's Trax. Good job. You haven't said anything wrong. Are you sure it wasn't swapped? No, it should be. It should be. Don't get me wrong like wait are you sure it wasn't swapped no no it should be it should be don't get me wrong it should be well um do you want to tell us a little bit about okay so actually

first of all what gave me the idea for doing a story on jazinkas if i'm saying that right at all um is that abby actually told me a story on a previous episode called Johnny and the Witch Maidens. And I was looking up artwork for that and found out that the story was originally called the Jazinkas. Oh, okay. So I went down a very fascinating rabbit hole on the internet. So I couldn't find a lot about jazinkas and I was looking into it and I was looking at translation pieces and pretty much it's just a type of witch maiden, which means it's a type of hag.

So I have a little, little snippet. So early witches were people who practice and practice witchcraft. They use magical spells and calling upon spirits for help or to bring about change. Most witches were thought to be pagan doing the devil's work. Many, however,

were simply natured healers. So they were like wise women and they were just misunderstood in their profession. And then the idea of hags is when they start to get more magical in fairy tales. And that's when they tend to get older. And they use kids to do youth spells so they can stay beautiful forever. And it has a lot to do with um the influence of religion in the region trying to be like strong independent magical woman nay and they're like she's going to eat your children and she's bad news and stay away from it so that's why it's like so dark in that folklore

because that's specific to that story and the jazinkas is like a series of fairy tales actually oh cool i think there's like seven or something so i was like oh so i hope that kind of explains it it was kind of hard to find stuff but i was determined yeah i love that i need to find all of those fairy tales unless it was because the johnny and the witch maidens definitely wasn't long enough to be seven stories yeah it said it was seven i'll send you a link it was like short and it was like supposed to be a series of stories called the jazinka so i don't know if it means there are those characters in each story or if that's just the name of the series. Yeah, maybe there were just more stories about them that were meant to be grouped together. Yeah, that makes sense to me.

That's what I think it is, but I didn't want to look into it because I didn't want to ruin your guys' stories in case. Oh, no worries. Maybe, oh yeah, maybe this story is part of the Jacinca's collection. Oh yeah, maybe it's because that's one of the stories i found while looking them up so kimmy does all of our research and stuff i'm just the storyteller uh so she knows far more than me but yeah a hag um is a nightmare spirit from like english and north american folklore identical to a a mare which comes from germanic or mera and we did we actually did a whole episode on mare um they essentially are what give you nightmares uh so that's fun they sit on your chest and like put bad thoughts

in your head while you're sleeping they're very creepy oh are those like i feel like i've seen so many classical paintings of like a woman fainting over a couch and there's like a demon yeah yeah yeah what do they call that now like demon on them when you have when it's like a waking nightmare when you wake up but you can't a night terror oh sleep paralysis yeah yeah yeah exact same thing. They're your sleep paralysis demon. But like the thing is mares were witches in training. So we talk about like on our episodes, I'm getting like a really short summary, but mares were believed to be witches that were practicing astral

planning and practicing their magic. So that's why they would like sit on like men's chest and like give them nightmares. And that's why people would wake up sweaty. Like they were riding a horse all night. They'd have bad head. Cause she like messes with your hair. God make it a little hot.

Right. Very creepy. Absolutely. But so they're all kind of like in the same thing like a hag and a mare and a witch maiden and a jazinka they all are very similar so i hope that kind of helps explain it because it's such a broad term for like yeah everything i had read a little bit that Jazinka I don't know I started reading just a tiny bit about it

and then stopped immediately because I wanted you to tell me did you read anything about the eyeballs cause in Johnny and the Witch Maidens they like have cannibalism to feed off youth oh okay yeah and that's why they were gonna roast him yes so that's how they stay young. And that's why they were going to roast him. Yes.

So that's how they stay young forever. And that's why when the children get lost in the forest, like, sometimes they're protected by spirits of the forest because the forest represents the passage of life to death. So if they go in the forest, they're going to die. So that's why I think the fae, like, kept him in the house kind of thing. Oh, nice. Hopefully that, like, makes sense. Like, it all comes together. Yeah, absolutely. eye so that's why i think the fey like kept him in the house kind of thing oh nice hopefully that like makes sense like it all comes together yeah absolutely i love that that's really cool i love that idea that that's what like the forest represents and that there are both helpful

and harmful creatures yes in there so overall abby got one. That small chick was his name. It was low-hanging fruit, baby. But you got it. I agree. I almost didn't let you predict that. But it's fine, I guess. And Kimmy, you actually got – I don't think you got any points. I don't know.

Was the kid a dick I'd say so after the third time yeah right Kimmy got one point I'll take it and then that's hilarious okay Ryan you got

I got one point as well yep because they tricked him into opening a door. Nice. As a team, we got them all. We swept it. We swept it as a team. 10 out of 10.

Next story, we'll crush it. Just you wait. I am doing two very short stories about water horses or kelpies, which I'm very excited about because I know very little about them, but I know just enough to be intrigued. Yes. Or just enough to be dangerous, as they say.

I always get kelpies and silkies mixed up. I think I've got it now, but Kelpie. Very similar. As you just said, Water Horse. Is that one a little bit more spooky, though? Doesn't that one murder people? They both do. Water Horses are very murdery.

No, I meant Selkies. Oh, no. Selkies are just sad seal ladies. Okay. I don't know why i get those confused so much they have a lot of similarities outside of the killing people part because then there's then there's sirens which are bird ladies that kill people um or or mermaids to kill people.

I can't remember. We got some sexy murderers. Pretty much all the same genre. Second water death. Sexy murder. The way to go. So neither of these stories have a title. Oh.

They're just... So I'm reading out of River Folk Tales of Britain and Ireland today. Yeah. And this, then both of these stories are just two little stories that are filed under water horses. Water horses. I love it. Yeah.

So give me, each of you give, this first one is like four paragraphs. Each of you give me one prediction for the first one. Kelsey, you go first. Okay. I want to predict that this is the murdery type of water horse. Does that sound good? Sure. Like somebody gets murdered.

Excellent. You let me have the name of the boy, so I will let you have that one. I still feel like that's less. I don't know. I feel like the name of the boy was a little bit less. All water horses are murder horses. A little more obvious. As someone that has

had horses hate her her whole life I do not disagree with that for one second. Like this bitch is a siren. There's no way we are letting her near us. All right. Ryan, what's your next prediction? Oh, man.

Can I also just be super broad and say there's going to be some some shape shifting and. Fine. Love it. There's going to be there's someone dies and there's going to be some shape shifting and, uh, fine. Love it. There's going to be, there's someone dies and there's going to be some shape shifting. Can I just say, I hope there's a nipple in it. Yeah.

I feel that's like, we don't got anything. Someone dies. There's some shape shifting and there's a prominent nipple. Done. Easy. Beautiful. Easy.

Making for a good story right there. I love that story. That's not this one. I'm going to tell you right now. Give me no points. How about side boob? Could I like change this? That's the dicks.

Okay. So this is a story from that was kind of told in the area of the River Connon, which is in the Scottish Highlands near Loch Luchart. And it was part of a big hydroelectric scheme ongoing in the Highlands since the 1940s. But the river is still considered good for salmon and sea trout. But there's a lot of suspicious things that happen there. So the Conan is a bonnie river full of trout and eels and big pearl mussels. It's not one of those wild desolate streams in the uplands,

nor does it rush and thunder with force across the broken rocks. Yet the river Conan holds more fear than any other river in Scotland. You can hardly go half a mile along the Conan without stumbling over the scene of a horrible legend with the water wraith or the kelpie. One of the most frightening of these places is Conan Woods. Over a swamp of yellow flag with the corn crake screeching all around, there is a hillock covered in old willow trees, rising like an

island from the mist with thick murkwoods on either side. The river whirls around an old burial ground there, with the broken ruins of an old kirk. Which I assume is an old castle or something. This would be the coolest D&D map for a boss battle ever.

It's a good setting. Oh, by the way, a kirk is a Scottish word for meaning church. Oh, so that's even creepier than an old castle. Yes, that's way creepier. Jesus was there. Be warned. The broken ruins of a holy place? That's creepy as hell.

Yeah, there gotta be vampires or something roaming there. I mean, this is not a Hans Christian Andersen story, so there are probably no random vampires. Random vampires. Among the fallen stones, you can still make out the archway of the main window and the little trough that once held holy water many centuries before now when that chapel was whole there was a cornfield of the land where the woods are thickest now on the kirk side of the river conan one day in late summer a group of highlanders was busy cutting the corn and heaping it up when they heard a voice from the river.

The hour, but not the man has come. They looked around and there was a dark Kelpie horse standing in the river next to the pool and the Ford across the river from the old church. The Kelpie snorted and said again, the hour, but not the man has come. Then it disappeared into the pool.

Time to go home. Time to go home. It's officially spooky season. The group wondered what it could mean, but not for long. A man in hot haste came riding down to the river, making straight for the ford. Four of the stoutest men broke away from the harvest to warn him of the danger. They told him they had seen a Kelpie

and urged him to take another road or stay with them a while, but he was determined. However, these were Highlanders and responsible men, so they took things into their own hands. They locked him up in the old kirk until midnight had passed. Because if a man doesn't take directions, you got to lock him up. Like,

listen, we told you there's a Kelpie in there. Come on. Don't be a fool. He was like, I know where I'm going. I've been here for years. He probably didn't believe them about the spooky ghost horse.

And they, you know, locked him up to beat some sense into him or something. As they should. As they should. So they locked him up in the old kirk until midnight had passed, which is the fateful hour of the Kelpie and lots of other stuff. In fact, they left him there all night with refreshment to see him through because they're responsible men. They're just having a party,

right? Yeah. That's all he needs. They had a kegger. All he needs they had a kegger nice all he needs throw him in a cell with a kegger check on him in the morning you're fine

the following morning the men came back to the old kirk unlocked the door and flung it open you can go in safety now shouted one highlander to the traveler but there was no answer he's drowned in his hell there was the man lying lifeless and cold on the floor with his face deep in the water trough oh my god the kelpie had come for him locked door or no the end that is so creepy i know oh my god that was so good is it terrible that i imagine the kelpie

is like the horse from adventure time that takes off the gloves that's great before he comes and murders really it only adds to the terror. Oh my god, that's so good. No. Fantastic ghost story. That would be, I think, a point for Kelsey. Whee! There were no nipples, so no point for Kimmy or Cyboob.

That's the fix for this story, is that he died with his nipple hanging out of a shirt. Yes. There we go. It was like Griffey ripped it. The worst thing is it's creepy little hands. Yeah. And I don't believe there was any shape shifting.

No. Not in this one. It's very unfortunate. You may roll over your prediction to the next one if you like. Oh, yeah. I'd like to also add to the next one. Perhaps there's some Kelpie riding. Yes.

Excellent prediction. Good. Kelsey, what's your new prediction for the second story? Are we just doing one? You can do two if you want. This one's a little longer. Okay. That was just such a good story oh my god

wasn't that perfect by the way this is a book from Lisa Schneider and I just have to say her fairy tale books she has like a botanical fairy tales river folk tales she's got a woodland folk tale that I don't have I love her and her stories are so good oh great

she's a great writer go buy her books uh we'll post the link in our show notes and can i just say i love the fact that you're reading out of an actual book like every like our ours we're always reading off a screen and then then we've done a few other swaps where everyone else reads off screen. So it's very refreshing to see an actual book on screen. Thank you. Kelsey and I, for the most part, do read mostly out of physical books. That's awesome. We're really lucky.

We've been able to scrounge a lot of thrift stores. We also have a friend of the podcast that constantly sends us Ruth Manning Sanders books that he comes across. Oh, nice. Chris, we love you so much. Well, we've got affiliate links for a lot of the books that we use on the show. So I want to check it out. Next paycheck, baby. We'll highly recommend all of Lisa Schneiderider's work she's a she's a

beautiful writer oh they're so good and it has like cool info about local flora and fauna of britain and ireland like right before the fairy tale which i just think is so cool and so important important yeah um i love her work using that as a segue into the next story this here's the paragraph about the oh wait did we finish predictions for it we haven't finished predictions yeah i'm doing two two for tits that's that's there's side boob or tits yeah yeah yeah well, yeah. Well, let's see. Let's pass it over and see what happens. Kelsey? Here's one. Somebody that deserves it gets murdered.

Ooh, I love that. That's a good, that's a good annotation. And then my second prediction is just going to be that. Can I phone a friend? That's new. I'm doing it. Kimmy, help me out ring ring ring oh look i'm getting a phone call hey what up hey so i need help uh making a prediction about a

healthy what do i do you should predict something about them singing a song oh okay okay i'm gonna do it thank you predict something about them singing a song. Ooh, okay. I'm gonna do it. Thank you. Okay, Abby, I'm gonna predict for my second prediction that they're singing a song. What a good original prediction that I... You know, you're such a genius.

Good job, Kelsey. Thank you. She's amazing. You guys ignored it. Alright, so the paragraph about this story before it. No, wait, wait, wait, wait. What? I made two predictions. Kimmy, you made another rollover prediction about

the boob. Do you want to make a second prediction? Two boobs. Two boobs. Yeah. It's either side boob or full tit. Both out. Side boob or full tit or full tit i love it perfect uh and then ryan you had one prediction for kelby riding yeah you want to make a second prediction i'm gonna so on top of kelby riding i guess they'll go a little down there's gonna be kel, there's going to be Kelpie saddling as well. You gotta use a saddle to ride a Kelpie.

I love it. Okay. This is going to be one hell of a story. If we're all right. This is an off the rail story. This is an off the rail story. So the paragraph about this place is Hasker or the Monarch Isles are a small isolated group of islands about five miles west of Uist in the Outer Hebrides. About about 100 people used to live here in harsh conditions, although the islands have been uninhabited since the Second World War. Haysker is now a national nature reserve and a haven for seabirds and seals.

On the main island is a ruined village surrounding Loch Nambuad. Perhaps it is the same loch in this story told in Gaelic by Donald McDougal to his cousin, Donald McDonald in 1956. I love that. Me too. There's, there's the, just the TikTok guy I follow. And he talks about all the locks in Scotland and he swims in all of them. And I'm kind of obsessed.

So when we, when we did our, um, Loch Ness episode, that guy came up like, wow, I was researching and I learned about all these... Every loch in Scotland has monsters.

All of them. Go listen to Alluring. They have episodes for every single thing we talk about. It's amazing. We're storming Loch Ness. Perfect. I want to go sorry we're going we're going don't you worry hell yes on haysker fresh water was scarce in the summertime and the women used to do their

washing in the lock the old men shook their heads it'll be the worst for you. There's nothing to save us from the water horse, they said. It will come for us all one day. And so the village reared a fearsome bull that was never let outside, just in case one day they had to set it on the water horse. Wow, okay. I know. That's an interesting guard dog.

What a twist. We have a really angry bull just in case. Everyone should have one of those. Clearly. When you're too hipster to have a dog. That is so hipster. The hipster pit bull. This is a very hipster village.

They're a little too cool for the rest of folklore, so that's why they're in this book. It's why they live on an island by themselves. Obviously. They only drink organic coffee that they roast themselves. And they only do French press. They milk the Selkies every morning at 7 a.m. Obviously. There's your nipples.

One point. One point for Kimmy. Nipples everywhere. Those sweet selkie nips. Sweet selkie nips. If anything needed to be on a shirt title the episode i really

okay so they have a bull that will hipster guard dog them from the selkie as needed. The kelpie. The kelpie as needed. Okay, yeah. Meanwhile, the women would travel to the lock in pairs to do their washing just for safety. Buddy system. They know what's up. Smort.

Smort. Smort. One day, and nobody knows why, a woman went to the lock on her own. A woman alone? Don't go places alone. How they're like, you idiot. What is victim blaming in the 20th century? You're right.

Exactly. No one knows why this woman wanted some time alone to do her damn laundry she's doing it for other people anyway yeah she wanted some space but who knows why she went alone what a fun she worked hard and it was a fine summer evening by the time she finished because she washed everyone's laundry including her own and so it took a million years so she sat down with her back to a grassy knoll and dozed in the sunshine she didn't know how long she had been asleep when the noise of footfall awakened her.

There was a tall, handsome man smiling at her. Oh, I'll let you know. Patience. Okay. Tiring work washing. Isn't it? He said by way of conversation what a line yeah they don't say it like they used to huh yes it is she replied he had a clear face high cheekbones and flaring nostrils. She had not seen him on the island before.

I'm worn out myself, he said. I've been walking all day. Would you mind if I shared the sunny spot with you? Not at all. Please do, she said. They sat next to each other in silence for a while, and it wasn't a disagreeable silence. Then, I'm sleepy, he said. Would you mind if I had laid my head in your lap

well this was unusual but why not she's like let me look at your face again i think it will be fine yeah like yeah okay i don't mind at all she she said. And he did. And he fell fast asleep. She couldn't doze. She was wide awake and looked down at his sleeping head. There was gravel from the lock on his scalp and green water weed in his hair. She looked at him more closely.

He didn't have feet. He had hooves. Oh. Oh, my. Oh, wow. I think we have a hotter cryptid take it rooted but make it hot it must be the water horse what on earth could she do with him fast asleep like this? Whatever you want.

I was, I was going to say the only thing stopping you is consent at that point. She had a pair of scissors in her pocket. And so she cut out a circle of cloth from her coat all around the sleeping head of the man. And then she moved slowly away from underneath and placed his head on the ground. Very carefully.

Indeed. She walked away for a few steps to be quiet and then ran for her life. A mile up the road toward the village. She looked over her shoulder and there was the water horse and it's true form. Now dark manes, swirling galloping like the wind after her so she shouted loud she shouted for anyone who could hear the bull release the bull

i had completely forgotten about the bull i was like wait a minute a bull there's a bull wait what for a minute I was like what horse girl fanfic is this straight up yeah she's experiencing a much different story than we're all imagining in our heads right now this is actually scary

the water horse was going to do well the water horse was going to do bad things to her if it actually managed to get her we don't know that we probably kind of do that kind of bad things i can't yeah they don't they don't have a good reputation the bull was let loose by the farmer and it met the water horse with all its weight and might the two huge animals laid into one another then, and they were an even match for a while. But then the bull started to push the water horse out towards the great sea beyond.

Both animals disappeared under the waves, just like in the last unicorn. And that was the last anyone saw of them. The woman went to bed after that, but she never left it again like she died i assume i think that's what it's implying oh many years later a great bull's horn washed up on shore in hesker it was put to good use as a bar across the gateway the end i bet that i bet that's actually there like. I bet there's a bullhorn on the gate.

Yeah, and this is the story that goes with the bullhorn on that gate. So my fix for this story is that it follows a more traditional Kelpie story pattern. Like, Ryan loved your predictions. Loved them. Wanted that to happen. Where usually there's like a bridal situation and like some idiot gets on the water horse's back and then it drowns them in the lake. Yeah. I wrote a few little segments.

One, how to ride a Kelpie. Two, how to marry a Kelpie. And then three, I knew Kimmymy was gonna need a little cool down after we talked about kelpies so i have a segment called not always hot kimmy so let me know let me know when we want to get to those and let's go around and i'll say our and then yes i would love to hear each and every one of those segments. That got me. That really got me.

I don't think I actually have a fix. I mean, it was a great story. And it had a cool ending. I don't know. She died in kind of a boring way, though. I do wish she had rode off. But then she wouldn't have released the bull. Maybe she was riding the horse.

She got on it, and then she realizes what's happening. And then she calls out for the bull. Ooh, I like that. That's good. It was a great story, though. I loved it. That's cute. Well, I have a cute fix for this because i'm not always a thirst trap i promise um it's okay if you are it's just like 99 of the time and it's fine but

this is a one percent it is fine there's like an old uh i want to say it's like an ancient chinese painting i really love and there's a lot of like folklore about it where and i can't remember a lot because i haven't done a lot of research so i'm just doing it from memory where um a cat would like sleep on a part of a girl's kimono so she would cut it and then she would leave it sleeping so i think what would make this story really cool is if this happened three days in a row, right? She didn't know what the curfew was. And she'd go, he'd sleep on her lap and she'd cut and she'd go do her chores or something.

Then she'd come back and he'd ask again. And each time she goes back, the bull would be like, be warned of the man that tricks you to care for him, right? And then it would happen again. you to care for him right and then it would happen again and then the third time it would happen before she would cut he would grab her arm because selkie not selkies sorry keeping them confused kelpies you can stick to them so that's how they drown their victims is you'll stick to their skin so he touches her skin and goes to drown her and that's when the bull will come to save her. Oh, Kimmy. That's amazing.

That's good. I love that. Can I phone in a friend for fixes from now on? Yeah, we'll just call Kimmy. I was going to say, I don't really want to go after that. Just do the ring, ring thing. The ring, ring. And I'll just pop up.

I'll be like, hello? right yeah that was awesome okay uh i'm actually really excited to hear some of like the folklore and some of ryan's ryan's segments on so so do we want um not always hot kimmy capturing and writing a kelpie or marrying a kelpie first um i think we should do not always hot kimmy first and then we can talk about how you can marry one anyway okay yeah so so if you look up kelpie like every photo you see is either of a horse or of just like a beautiful woman. Um, not really the case. Um, a lot of the times it's dudes. Um, and in a lot of the stories, they're like creepy old men.

Um, so there's a story by a dude named Gregor where a Kelpie is hanging out on the side of the road, pretending to like, so trousers. Um, hanging out on the side of the road, pretending to like, so trousers. And it's kind of messed up because the town folk are like, yeah,

that's a Kelpie. And then they just like bash him on the head and he turns into a horse. Yeah. And then in other accounts describe Kelpies as rough, shaggy men who leap behind solitary riders and crush them. So not usually hot dudes coming up and being like, hey, I want to hang out on the beach, you know? I mean, it depends on your definition of hot.

That's fair. That's fair. Kelsey likes old men. I like old shaggy dudes. It's the rough part for me the rough part you know yeah because when you were saying it it gave very getting complimented out of gas station energy yeah that's exactly yeah think think that yeah still still hot sorry a wise end old man whatever that means she's like they compliment so well i call the princess and shit you are so hairy i like is that sasquatch no that might be my favorite uh sexy is cryptid the things i've seen about sasquatch the cindy's really had a heyday with him

yeah amen oh google gets dark folks put on that not safe for work filter oh boy cool but uh so to ride a kelpie um so there's kind of there's either like ride it and die or if you want to ride it and like actually live so to actually live you have to put a bridle or chain on it that has a cross on it which will let you basically like own the Kelpie. But this is very important. If the Kelpie already has a saddle, do not try and ride it. Because it will go into the lake and drown you. Because you're going to get stuck to that saddle. Oh, weird.

Yeah. Is it like someone else's saddle or just like no they just like have it says sometimes they just have saddles um i think it's like a trick almost yeah it's a trick because they're just like oh hey i'm a horse and then bam all of a sudden you're drowning um it but then i read that you could um do an x if you see a Kelpie already wearing a bad saddle, you can perform an exorcism to remove the saddle. Yeah. And then,

and if you get to keep the saddle, it has like magical properties to it. And then you can replace it with your own saddle. And if you do get stuck to a Kelpie, that's running into the ocean, the only way to kill it is with a silver bullet, much like a werewolf. So amazing. This is fascinating. Yeah. If you're in Scotland, make sure you got a silver bullet, I guess.

And are Kelpies only in Scotland or is it like England, Ireland a little too? Yes. Yeah. I think everything I read was Scotland, but I mean, cause it's mostly the locks and the river logs. Well, and in,

in Lisa Schneidau's book, she actually talked a little bit about other, other water horses. I didn't want to read it cause I wanted to, to kind of preserve that for this section of it, but there is, yeah, water horses and whales, water horses in different parts of England all live in locks, lakes and pools. But the two stories we read were Kelpies specifically because they're a dark, they're like specifically a dark water horse spirit yeah thing so clearly there are water horses in like probably multiple like multiple places throughout the world just specifically

kelpies are scottish yeah yeah cool um that's it that's perfect i was like that's the best way to explain it did you have a third thing, Brian? Yeah, then I have just a quick little story about marrying a Kelpie. It's pretty short. So this is from a short folk tale called Bara. Bara tells of a lonely Kelpie that transforms into a handsome young man to try and like woo a human but the human realizes oh that's a kelpie so um in this story the kelpie is wearing a silver necklace which is what keeps it as a human um i'm not sure what that i haven't read about that other than this story but she takes it off and it turned and he turns back into

a horse and the dad of the girl's like hell yeah we have a workhorse now so he's all excited yeah that's a little messed up yeah so the girl takes the kelby home to work on her father's farm for years. And then after a few years, they start to feel bad. So they give him his necklace back under the guise of, you have to marry my daughter now, um, which he agrees. And, um, and they were married after that. So if you want to marry a Kelpie,

just go have a, uh, work on work for your dad for a few years, I guess. Yeah. Cause that, that's the, no,

it's, it's perfectly simple. You Stockholm syndrome, the Kelpie into falling in love with you. And then you marry him. And he had to choose to become a mortal man. So he had to give up his Kelpiness. Oh.

So you can't. He had to change everything he was to be with you. Yeah. Which is what most shape-shifting bridegrooms do, I feel like. Yeah. And they're always still missing that. I mean, we do a lot of, or we've done a lot of animal bridegroom stories, and they're all, like, you know, giving up a huge part of themselves that they eventually go back

to. Like. Nah, don't do it. Listen. Any Kelpies listening, don't do it. Don't do it. Listen listening don't do it listen don't do it the opposite is every selkie story is them getting kidnapped and then eventually finding their fur and one of them had like 12 children and was still like nah i'm going back

she was in the sea and she looked at the kids running out the top and they're like mother wait and she's like that's what i feel i feel for the selkie because she needs to be her true self and just because she got stuck with some fucking dude i don't know i feel bad i do feel bad for the kids but it's like she's not selkie selkies are Sagittaries and nothing can convince me otherwise. They gotta go be free. Yes! The story

that we read, we read a Selkie story I think on one of our bonus episodes this year. And the thing I did like about it is that like she went back to the sea, but she'd still toss like gifts up onto the shore for her children. Like her children could go visit, but she'd still toss like gifts up onto the shore for her children. Like her children could go visit her and she'd like whack fish up onto shore and stuff for them.

She wasn't totally gone. She was like, fuck the father, but I like you guys. That's not your fault. It's not your fault. One we read, didn't she turn the kids into like bricks or something? No, she only turned some of the children into rocks. Yeah, into rocks so that they could come live in the ocean with her.

Wait a minute. You're like, Jimmy, Carrie, and Amanda, you come with me. And little Carrie's like, what about me, mother? She's like, oh, my hands are full. I can't.

You are annoying. You look just like your father. And there's a lot I can't do with that. Little did they know, he dodged a bullet by not getting turned into a rock. Go Gregory. Go Gregory. Well told. Well researched. Thank you very much that gives me the hit of kelpy stuff that i

really wanted from that last story so yeah if you want more amazing cryptid information as we mentioned the whole episode definitely go listen to alluring they're awesome um we'll you know tag them in the episode. And yeah, I think did, did you have any fixes for my story? I think that was the only thing we kind of skipped over. We forgot to do fixes for your story. I got a super easy fix. Yes.

Make him legal. Story done. There you go. Yeah. I feel like that's not the first time that that's been one of our fixes. It was actually, we did that with the last Jazinky story that we told. Make it legal.

That's okay. Jazinky stories are just sexy. Yeah. I had no problem with that story. It sounded like a great way to go out. Ooh, I would make Antler dude more daddy like cause it feels right to me

so that would be more the X story and legal everything's much better that makes me feel better about the spankings that's why it'd be a much different story though yeah

if the boy is like of age and the spankings are like a shared kink then that's fine that was exactly our fix for Johnny and the Witch Maidens was that he was an adult and he loved his daddy

and he loved his daddy he figured it out the formula to fix a story is just making them legal so it's not weird anymore. But specifically check Jazinky stories. Yes. Specifically that genre. Jazinky rhymes with kinky for a reason. So we're just going to fix it right away.

Kinky to Zinky. That just means it's a joke. There's your episode title. There it is. Oh, that or Sweet Silky Nips. That's going to be a tough one. Sweet Silky Nips. Yeah, you guys have some terrible ones to pick from.

I might have to put this on our patreon and have them vote for which title they like the best please you should definitely do that please oh i cried okay um i didn't have a fix for it outside of like i mean i like kimmy's fix a lot i uh beyond that like i don't know that's a that's a that's a very fun story yeah mine um i mean i don't know this is messed up but every single like forest hag story they always try and like cook the people alive and it never works out for them like so i don't know those are the stories that you hear because they got told fair enough yeah so i feel like it sounds bad but maybe like don't cook them alive and then you wouldn't be yeah you wouldn't be caught in all these awkward situations you know

where they call out for help from their daddy yeah where they scream a poem into the abyss. So their daddy comes in. Yeah. He can't do that if he's already dead. That's what I'm saying. No, I like that. Good job.

Wow. This has been beautiful chaos. Oh my God. I've been crying this whole time. This has been fantastic. Yes. This has been so much fun. Thank you so much for coming on fairytale fix. We appreciate much oh thank thanks thanks for having us thank you this has been absolutely

hilarious hopefully we didn't turn this into too much chaos um no more chaotic than we make it ourselves fantastic well thank you guys this has been an absolute gem of a time you guys have been lovely and you have gone through all my terrible jokes so i appreciate you on a very spiritual level i mean they're not terrible and i am ready for more yes yes um i am excited for the future adventures where you two save us so looking forward to that but in the meantime um we are a loring that's a l-o-r-e-i-n-g you can check us out at a loring.com you can check us out on instagram where we post all our cool art and stuff. And we just, this is like a really great example of our dynamic of Ryan and I.

So if you enjoy beautiful chaos and someone that's just barely holding on to sanity, you should go check us out over there. But yeah, this has been fun. I think that's our best call to actions for that. We got art, we got cryptos, we got folklore. What else do you need? Nothing.

That's all I'm saying. Absolutely nothing. That's right. So yeah, thank you all so much for tuning in to Fairytale Fix featuring Aloreng today. If you enjoyed the show please subscribe and leave both of our shows of review on apple or wherever they will allow you to leave a rating or review five stars please always five stars if we can make an order five stars and say it's a sexy fun time and then we will know you listen to this episode

and it will warm our souls absolutely that that's perfect uh if you love the show and you want to support us uh in a different way you can get extra episodes merch books other bonus content at our patreon by signing up at fairytalefix.cash. And you can also find us on Twitter and Instagram at fairytalefixpod. You can email us your favorite fairy tales, folklore, nursery rhymes, and other such things at info at fairytalefixpod.com.

And they all lived happily ever after. The end. The end.