Fairy Tale Fix - 50: Sausage On Sausage Violence

Episode Date: October 11, 2022

Spooky season begins on Fairy Tale Fix! Kelsey reads a haunting tale called The Leg of Gold from Ruth Manning-Sanders’ A Book of Ghosts & Goblins, generously donated by a friend of the pod Chris Otto, followed by an...interesting (gross) story called The Strange Feast by the Brothers Grimm. Abbie reads the chilling yet charming story of The Goblins at the Bath House, also from A Book of Ghosts and Goblins.

Eat the rich. Eat the rich. Steal their golden legs from their graves. That's the moral of the story for sure. happy october listeners and welcome to fairy tale fix i'm abby and i'm kelsey and this is the uh podcast where we read fairy tales to each other and then fix them for a modern audience and then i smashed my uh uh pod mic stand ruining my perfectly smooth intro that was a very perfect intro i'm very proud of you thank you pressed so professional it's the spooky spooky halloween episode It's the spooky, spooky Halloween episode. Well, not the spooky Halloween episode, but one of the-

This is like October. This is like comes out on like October 5th or something. October 11th. Okay. Well, excuse me. And it's well, well into spooky season for me. I have been being very spooky and watching the spooky things and manifesting the spooky things for a couple weeks now. How are you manifesting spookiness in your life?

I'm just thinking about spooky things all the time. I'm thinking about ghosts, decorating. I'm going to try to make floating candles in my house to give it a spooky vibe. Oh, yes. That sounds amazing. Yeah. I'm trying some spooky DIYs. And I've been watching scary movies, which I have a couple of recommendations. Excellent. I know you will never watch. I won't take you up on them, but I'm sure there are a few people who listen to the podcast who will. I won't take you up on them, but I'm sure there are a few people who listen to the podcast who will. But you should. They're so good. Watch it with Steven. I know Steven's a big horror fan.

Then I can scream and clutch at him. Exactly. So this first one was actually recommended to me by one of our amazing listeners and artists that we love, Chadwick. He recommended, it's a movie on Hulu called You Are Not My Mother. Oh, I already hate that. Ooh, I don't like that at all. It's, oh my gosh, it was so good. It's an Irish folk horror. So I'm sure you can guess so many things.

I know I did while I was watching it. And it was very creepy, very fun, very folk, very Irish. I loved it. Like, it was so good. So, excellent suggestion, Chadwick. Thank you. Okay. It's funny because I actually had forgotten that he suggested it to me.

So, I messaged him and was like, hey, you should try watching this. And he's like, uh. I don't know what I told you about that i told you about that yeah so thank you for that i appreciate it okay the other one i watched okay so this is actually a rewatch and i might have mentioned this in a previous podcast episode before but it is another horror movie kind of based on a folk tale so it's called bad hair you've told me about this movie before it was i re-watched it because it had been a while and it was amazing it has so many great actresses and actors in it um does vanessa williams oh it's kelly roland which i

love oh that's amazing goddess okayute goddess. Okay. Yes, Laverne Cox is amazing. And it was just, it's so good. And it's really cool because it's a lot, it's based in the 80s. And it's about a woman, an African American woman, a black woman with like, you know, frizzy hair. And they're trying to convince her to get a weave to look more like professional. So it also has like, like to whiteify her hair to be more like socially acceptable in public yeah so it has a lot of social commentary that's very important too which i love that in horror movies of course and it's really cool because it's like she gets this weave and the hair, maybe this is too spoilery, but the hair, like there's a whole folk tale based on this like idea that you get this like really smooth, mossy

hair or glossy hair. I'm fucking this up. I had this all in my head about how I was going to tell it without totally ruining it. But it's very spooky, very folk horror. I love it. Definitely go watch it um it's also kind of a comedy so that one's more like a like a horomity okay i'll that one i'll probably watch you should it was amazing i loved it it's so good and there are a couple of spooky movies coming out that i'm really fucking excited about i sent you a trailer for this one. Jordan

Peele just gives and gives and gives. You did. You sent me a trailer. I have not watched it yet. Wendell and Wilde. Okay. So Jordan Peele and the director that did like Coraline and Nightmare Before Christmas. Right. Because the art style was very distinctive when I was watching this. Like, yeah. Very spooky, very creepy. Henry Selick. They're coming out with a new movie called Wendell and Wild. And I'm pretty sure it's like Key and Peele are the demons in the movie.

And I'm just, I'm so stoked. Like, I cannot wait to watch this. It looks amazing. Oh, that's coming out soon. Uh-huh. So that'll be out by the time this episode drops. No, it comes out the 28th. I'm pretty sure.

That's exciting. Cannot wait. It looks gorgeous and spooky. And it also looks like it could have a little bit of humor in it, too which i love horror and comedy are my favorite combination the best genres of things of all time so yeah that is how i've been manifesting my spookiness is watching scary movies i also watched a movie called the cursed it's a werewolf movie but I actually did not like it very much. It was a little bit. Why not? It was too much of a period piece for me. It was pretty slow.

Interesting. I get three way people really like it, but it wasn't quite me. Because I love a period piece. What time period was it set in? In rural 19th century France. Oh, of course it was France. It doesn't sound like France because they're all English. Right. Of course.

Naturally. Well, okay. I will probably watch that. Go for it. I literally fell asleep. Like I actually fell asleep and had a hard time staying awake it was very beautiful uh the cinematography was gorgeous the what was that one called the cursed and it's on Hulu

oh hell yeah I am absolutely I'm gonna watch the shit out of this i can't wait to hear what you think excellent i i'm oh i'm so fascinated to see if you and i agree that it's boring or if you're just like not into period pieces yeah it really might be the period piece thing um i did love you know i'm not gonna give any i'm not gonna tell you anything about it don't tell me anything more about it so that we can talk about it later. Sounds good. Okay. Love this. Okay.

Do you want to hear how I'm manifesting spooky season? I absolutely want to hear everything about your spooky season so far. Hit it with me. I am going to be reading a few vampire novels. Oh. This October, which I'm very excited about. I'm going to be starting with a classic called Carmilla. It's a Gothic novella from 1872 written by an Irish person called Sheridan Le Fanu. And it predates Bram Stoker's Dracula by about 26 years. Cool.

And it's very like laden with lesbian subtext. I love it. Very sexual with all of the blood drinking and whatnot. And I am very excited to read it. And this is how I will be just soaking in the spooky season amazing i cannot wait to hear about it yeah i can't wait to tell you about it i've i've heard i've heard it's a very good short read yeah it's like i don't know i googled it as well and it says it's 108 pages. It is not long. It is quite slim. I like it.

And then the second is something I'm also very excited about and it's called A Dowry of Blood. That sounds sexy. Super sexy. So this one is the

according to the back of the book, a lyrical and dreamy reimagining of Dracula's brides. Cool. All about the brides. You've seen like the movie, right? With Gary Oldman. Oh, definitely. So like that scene when Keanu Reeves goes into that room and it's got like three hot ladies like writhing on a, like on a red satin sheets or something like that. You know, I actually prefer the brides from Van Helsing. Oh, they're also,

oh my God, I love that. Super hot. Super hot. Loved their outfits. Oh, they are amazing. So yeah, so those characters and kind of like the Dracula lore. So this is, this book is their story.

Oh, I love it. Cool. I'm so excited about it. It's also, you know, full of a lot of lesbians. There's just lesbians, lesbians everywhere in both of these books, apparently. So I'm really excited to read both of them. The dream. It's the dream. And both of them are actually novellas i misspoke when i said it was uh

they were full-length novels but they're two two two novellas uh about lesbian vampires and god i'm excited happy Happy October. Happy October. Happy Halloween. Just the best time. You'll have to tell me how those all are because, girl, I will tell you all about them. I probably will not read them ever, but I will definitely want to hear about them. You won't need to. I will tell you everything.

I appreciate it. I'm terrible at finishing books, just the worst. Like I will buy books and start to read them and I'm bad at finishing them. So that's fine. It's just you have me. Yeah. It's perfect. Yeah. And you can tell me all the lore about things. We were actually talking about rings of power right before we started recording. I always rely on Abby to tell me all of the lore from Lord of the Rings because I love it,

but I am, I am not going to read them. That is totally fine. I still, I still think you should read the Hobbit because that is at least, that is at least short and I think pretty digestible. Yeah. By, by Tolkien standards. There is no need to read The Lord of the Rings

if you're not a super fan because the prose is beautiful. It's gorgeous, but it's real dense. And honestly, the Peter Jackson movies did a pretty good job bringing those to life. But if you think you know the story of the Hobbit because you watched that abominable trilogy, you don't. You don't know it all. You should read the book.

Yeah, I did not like those movies. And I do not have any interest in rewatching them, maybe for the dragon cgi just a little bit yeah there are a couple good scenes that they got right you know like the the riddles in the dark scene where bilbo finds the magic ring and like does that thing with uh you know the riddles with gollum yeah they did a great job with that scene and they did a great job with the dragon scene and then everything else was absolute garbage i just it was too much cgi and i kept getting taken out of it because nothing looked like it was real like the people didn't look real and it was like am i watching it hit the uncanny valley for me you know it's like it

looks like a person but just not enough that it it sparked my fight or fly response. I didn't like it. It was weird. Yeah. It makes your brain scream demon. Yeah, it really did. It was unsettling.

I really didn't like it. I remember hearing, I don't, I don't like know for sure if this is true, but I do remember hearing around the time that these movies are being released that Ian McKellen broke down and actually like cried on set because everything was green screen and he just like didn't fucking know what to do yeah i read that too so i feel like it must be true it must be true both of us remember it both of us remember it we read it on the internet it's definitely true

but i would but like i wouldn't be surprised you know like because like the they did the they did the movies like with all of these practical effects and like sets that they actually built and everything was pretty real uh you know and then like they do this movie and like everything's on green screen like there's no one to like you're you're trying to emote to cgi characters all the time and like yeah i feel like i would cry i i don't know i can't imagine being an actor at all i'm the worst at that so i would be bad at it totally you and me real things are not so but yeah i definitely want to read it and remember that lore it's all the other i love your quote that man loves the hill or that man loved hillside yeah very lengthy descriptions of landscapes i I remember also that like, I can't remember who said this,

who said this about him, but apparently Tolkien is really annoying to take walks with. For that reason? Well, because he would stand there and like, be like, wow, this tree for so long.

And everyone else would want to keep walking but he'd be like no but this tree though I love that for him he sounds like he lived an incredible life I wish something could catch my eye for that long yeah I know just adorable

I also want to point out that by the time that this episode comes out on the 11th, I will be in Baltimore. We will be visiting in person. We are probably out. I'm leaving tomorrow. So we're actually probably chilling at your place, taking it easy.

Yeah. We're taking it real sleazy for the first day that you're going to be here. Yeah. And then we're going to real sleazy for the first day that you're going to be here. Yeah. And then we're going to go to the Renaissance Festival. I know. I'm really excited. I have a couple of costume ideas ready to go. Perfect.

So I just have to decide on which I want to wear. Which, what are you thinking? I don't know. I have two. I have a couple of things. I'm not going to tell you until I can show you. I'll post pictures. We'll both definitely obviously post pictures of us.

So many pictures. Everyone will have already seen this. You'll know. You'll already know what she wore. Yeah. Perfect. Well, I'm going to do a real smooth segue now. Speaking of embracing spooky season and telling spooky stories, what story do you have for me today?

Well, I am very excited because I got a few new books from our great friend Chris Otto, who we love to death. God, we love you so much, Chris. You are our favorite. Absolutely. We love you. Thank you so much. I screamed like when i opened that box because there were so many so of course it's spooky season so i have to read from a book of ghosts and goblins uh that's which i'm pretty sure i'm pretty sure you have a version of this right that's also the book i was gonna read read from today. You better not be reading my story. Because which one are you reading me? So I actually got this. So Chris left us a note and said that this is his top,

like one of his top five Ruth Manning Sanders books of all time. Fair. It's very good. Which I love. And he mentioned that his favorite story was say it right the leg of gold perfect that's not the one i'm reading okay what one are you reading the goblins of the bathhouse okay good because i have another one in here i want to read for next week or the next uh recording in here I want to read for next week or the next recording.

This book is so good. I love this story so much. Oh, and he also said that there is a recording of Vincent Price reading The Lake of Gold. So I haven't actually found that or looked for it yet, but I'm definitely going to after this. Nice. Nice, nice, nice. So because horror king, Vincent Price. He actually also did a reading of my story too,

that I found. Ah, I love it. That's so cool. It's really cool. All right, without further ado, oh, let's do it. I'm so excited. I need three predictions for the leg of gold. Prediction number one, since this is the book of ghosts and goblins and i am doing a goblin story i am going to predict that you're doing a ghost story i think it's a ghost story excellent um the leg of gold is going to be a curse like i don't want to get too specific with my like that that's my actual prediction but i'm is going to be a curse.

I don't want to get too specific. That's my actual prediction, but I'm definitely thinking in a King Midas sort of direction. But that's not my prediction. Just that it's a curse. Okay, you got it. Noted.

What? Noted. Noted. What? Noted. Noted. Great. Fantastic. And my third prediction, there will be like portents about the ghost before the ghost actually shows up. Okay.

Tell me a ghost story. This is a good one. Chris, I love that this is your favorite. This might be my favorite the leg of gold there was a rich lord who had a proud young wife on whom he lavished beautiful clothes and handsome jewelry and one day as she came rustling down to dinner in her long satin gown she caught the heel of her silver shoe and the hem of her skirt i love details like like silver shoes and stuff like that like yeah and this is this is earth manning sanders so you know it's gonna be beautiful okay continue well she tumbled from the top to the bottom of the

staircase and broke her leg in seven places the rich Lord sent for the doctor and the doctor said, sir, I cannot mend this leg. I must cut it off. And he cut it off. Okay. Then the rich Lord sent for a goldsmith and bade him make his wife a leg of gold.

And the goldsmith made it so beautifully and it fitted on so cunningly that it served the lady just as well as a leg of flesh and blood. And she went walking around in her beautiful clothes and dancing and hopping and skipping about as merrily as she had ever done. On her golden leg. I know. Isn't that cool? That's so cool. That's a great prosthetic. a cyber punk or like a cyborg leg where it's got like all these attachments and stuff and you can't

have your original leg then a gold leg is pretty cool yeah i like the ones where it like it looks like the leg comes off and it's a machine gun oh so cool love that there are so many options for cool prosthetic legs and i really feel like the leg of gold is a very, I'm imagining it being very intricately like decorated as well. Maybe encrusted with some gems. Oh, there you go. Okay. So she dances on it and stuff.

And it works. So she's, she's living her best life. So she and her husband lived for seven more years without a care. But then one day as she came running downstairs all eager to show her husband how elegant she looked in the costly new gown that he had just bought for her what did she do but catch the high heel of her golden slipper in the hem of her long skirt and tumble from top to bottom of the stairs again and this time she broke her neck and died. Oh, no.

Because, oh, no. That's so sad. Yep. She dead. Big time. That's really sad because I was just thinking about how she and her husband sound like they have a really happy marriage. I know. I love him.

He seems like the best. Like, he just buys her a lot of nice stuff and she's super jazzed to like wear it for him they probably have great sex definitely the lord had her buried gold leg and all in a handsome grave and put his whole household into expensive mourning in particular he dressed up his valet in black satin and the valet preened himself before the glass and thought how handsome Oh, jeez. I hope he gets haunted. Mm-hmm. And then the valet had another thought. My lady is dead.

She has no more use for her gold leg. So why shouldn't I have it? Am I to remain a servant all my days? Ah! With my handsome looks and my fine manners no indeed i will dig up that gold leg melt it down and sell the gold then i shall be possessed of a pretty little fortune and i can set up as a gentleman so that night oh man i'm so torn. You're like, good for him? Yeah, a little bit. Also, it's very disrespectful to rob the dead, but also she's not using it.

And it seems like an awful waste to have that much gold just lying in the ground, you know? You know, that's a really good point. Like when someone could really use that to set themselves up for life? So that night, he went off to the churchyard, dug up the lady, wrenched off the gold leg, reburied the lady, carried the gold leg home, hid it in his wardrobe, got into bed, well-pleased with himself. As he should be. I love it.

That's your take. But all that night, a voice was calling from the churchyard. Gold, gold, give me my leg of gold. Dustin, put in some spooky music now. Even though you hate. Hate sound bites. Yeah, I hate sound bites. Soundboard stuff.

Just do it. Just do it, Dustin. Or not. Put, I hate sound bites. Or soundboard stuff. Just do it. Just do it, Dustin. Or not. Put a stinger in there. Early next morning, the voice was still calling, and the gravedigger heard it. So he hurried to the Lord and said, Sir, your wife will not lie quiet in her grave. She keeps calling and calling. Send someone to find what she wants.

The Lord ran to his wife's grave and said, Dear wife, tell me what you want. And the voice came up from the grave calling out, Gold, gold, give me my leg of gold. Dear wife, said the Lord, your gold leg is buried with you. But the voice called again, Gold, gold, give me my

leg of gold. Wife, said the Lord, you are not being reasonable. Well, then he's telling his dead wife she's not being reasonable. Nobody ever believes women. And the voice called again,

Gold, gold, give me my leg of gold. You have your leg of gold, said the Lord. You have nothing else to say to me. Well then, good day. I will have some prayers said for you. And he went back home. But an hour later, the gravedigger came again to the Lord. Sir, your wife will not stay quiet.

She keeps calling and calling. Send someone to her. So the Lord sent the lady's maid to the grave, and the voice rose up from out of the grave, calling out, Gold, gold, give me my leg of gold. Madam, said the lady's maid, you were wrong to complain. Your golden leg is buried with you. But the voice called again. Gold, gold, give me my leg of gold.

Madam, said the lady's maid. Is this reasonable? If you have no more to say to me, I will wish you good morning. Your husband will have some prayers said for you. And she went back to the house. I love how casual everyone is being about the fact that this woman is speaking to them from beyond the grave. They're actually being quite short with her. I know. They're like super annoyed

by it. Just be dead. Shut up. Bye. Has anyone even thought to check i mean rude with yeah just bear just dig her up dig her up again but also like she's not being reasonable because rich people you literally can't take it with you she thinks she can i guess she thinks she can she wants it she's gonna get it she's gonna she's gonna make it everybody else's problem which i respect yeah so far i have nothing but respect for both her and the guy that stole the golden leg

right champions both of them. An hour later, the gravedigger came to the Lord again. Sir, your wife will not stay quiet. She's calling louder than ever. Send someone to her, I pray you. And the Lord said to his valet, go you to the grave and see if you can quieten her excellent i'm so excited the valet began to tremble master i dare not go do as you are told go you coward master i dare not go go or

i will shoot you which is harsh so the valet went shivering and shaking. And as he went, he heard the voice from the churchyard calling out louder and louder, gold, gold, give me my leg of gold. So he came to the side of the grave and his legs bowed under him. Madam, he whimpered, what do you want? It is you that I want, screamed the voice. And the lady came up from the grave, took hold of the valet, dragged him under the ground, and ate him up. Yes! The end. That's the end?

Spooky! Isn't that creepy? That's so creepy. I love that. I also i also okay new headcanon um she didn't actually want her leg back she was just trying to lure him there so that she could punish him for grave robbing oh hell yes just vengeance all the way oh oh that's what love that for her i also imagine that it says ate him up and like it's italicized and i just imagine that that's when you grab your little kid's leg when you're telling

him this story yes yes that's exactly it oh i love that story um yeah no real fixes i i know what the young man should have done what what's that you have the golden leg your boss is threatened to shoot you if you don't go check on his dead wife who you know you stole the leg from uh-huh um quit you know get out of there get out of there change your name move to a different town. Never go back to that graveyard and you're good to go. But he didn't do that. Like a fool. Such a fool. Do you have any fixes for that one?

Just nope out of there. No, I did not have any fixes for that. I thought it was perfect. I love that she ate him up. That was just brilliant. That's stellar. Oh, but quickly, quickly, real quick. How many points did I get? Oh, you got, it was a ghost story. Yes.

The leg of gold is a curse. It was definitely a curse to somebody. So that's two points. And I didn't say about the ghost before it shows up. No. Nope. Just the two. Go me. I feel very proud and happy of myself. So I'm going to read you one more story. It's called The Strange Feast, and it is by the Brothers Grimm. So it's only one page,

so give me one prediction. The feast is man. I love that prediction. The feast is man. That sounded very Twilight Zone. Absolutely, yeah. All right. This one's really weird, so I'm super excited to tell you this.

Oh, God. I'm so excited. A blood sausage and a liver sausage had been friends for some time, and the blood sausage invited the liver sausage for a meal at her home. Oh, my God. Anthropomorphic food. Just the best. I bet you weren't expecting that.

I was not. Now I'm, like, flashing back to that Seth Rogen movie where he plays a hot dog. Please, no. Maybe that's what that was based off of. Please no. Maybe that's what that was based off of. At dinner time, the liver sausage merrily set out for the blood sausage's house. But when she walked through the doorway, she saw all kinds of strange things.

There were many steps. On each of them, she found something different. A broom and a shovel were fighting with each other. And there was a monkey with a big wound on his head and more such things. Okay. The liver sausage was very frightened and upset by this. Nevertheless, she took heart, entered the room, and was welcomed in a friendly way by the blood sausage. The liver sausage began to inquire about the strange things on the stairs,

but the blood sausage pretended not to hear her or made it seem it was not worth talking about. Gaslighting. Yeah. Or she said something about the shovel and the broom, such as, that was probably my maid gasping with someone on the stairs. And she shifted the topic to something else. Then the blood sausage said she had to leave the room and go into the kitchen and look after the meal.

She wanted to check to see that everything was in order and nothing had fallen into the ashes. The liver sausage began walking back and forth in the room and kept wondering about the strange things until someone appeared, I don't know who it was, and said, let me warn you, liver sausage, you're in a bloody murderous trap. You'd better get out of here quickly if you value your life what the fuck is happening right now there's like mysterious strangers that the narrator doesn't know like oh someone came in but like who can say who very classic someone was drunk when they told this story absolutely the liver sausage didn't have to think twice about this she ran out the door as fast as she could nor did she stop until she got out of the house and was in the middle of the street then she looked around and saw the blood

sausage standing high up in the attic with a long long knife that was gleaming as though it had just been sharpened. The blood sausage threatened her with it and cried out, if I had caught you, I would have you. The end. Any fixes for that one? No.

So that's one that I kept coming across as like one of the spookier grandmother's grim tales. And I thought it was really funny because it was totally nonsensical to me. That was a very, what the fuck fairy tale. That didn't make any sense. Like, okay.

My fix for it, you know, is that it's not about anthropomorphic sausage oh that's my favorite part about it i feel like they needed to explain the weird things happening a little bit better there is another version of that story called the godfather and it's kind of like the same thing except they're not sausages so So maybe you would have liked that one better. I might have liked that one better. I just found the fact that they were sausages so distracting. It was pretty distracting, wasn't it?

And then like they didn't explain anything about like there was a monkey at some point. Oh, there's some really weird artwork. Yeah, I bet. It's like the different levels of the house with like weird shit happening yeah except in the other version the godfather it's like like more weird things that happen yeah see that's because i the weird things happening

like that's really creepy and i really i really enjoy that and I like that it's kind of like a murder house you know and she gets out just in time before she's dinner but also like why are they sausages yeah that's my fix of the story they're not sausages

I like that part I think it's really weird. That's so distracting. I hated that. Also, they're the two grossest kind of sausage. So that was also distracting. You were just too busy thinking about the sausages. I was. I legitimately did one of my ADHDhd like jd from scrubs moments

like i'm just kind of like you weren't listening to the story just like the the middle of it i honestly missed a little bit because i was too busy going like what and basically one of the sausages was like this is a weird house and then somebody was like yeah you better get the fuck out and then they yeah that wow okay well um i hate that story you're welcome happy spooky season damn it i say no thank you to that story happy episode 50 yeah by the way episode 50 gang well now we've read the strange feast and we don't have to read it again we never have to read it again

okay tell me a story please I am going to read you a story from the exact same book amazing because it's a very good book Chris Otto is correct that this is one of the better collections of Ruth Manning Sanders.

But the story I'm going to read you appeared both in A Book of Ghosts and Goblins and in A Choice of Magic. Do you remember reading this one? It's The Goblins at the Bathhouse. I definitely have read this one. Okay. Yeah, so I do remember this one well enough. I think I am going to opt out of making predictions. Okay.

Fair enough. But this one is definitely like, it's one of my favorites from A Choice of Magic. I just remember really enjoying it as a kid. Oh, yeah. It's an amazing story. It's a great story. it as a kid oh yeah it's a it's an amazing story it's a great story so uh we're just going to read it and then talk about our fix our fixes for it you know if any uh this story is from estonia by the way and estonia is uh just above Latvia.

It's right across the Baltic Sea from Finland. It is very far north. In a little town, there was a bathhouse where old and infirm people were to have hot baths and a massage. And there was a young girl attendant there whom all of these old people loved because she was so kind and helpful to them. How sweet. So sweet. Well, one day, so many old people came to the bathhouse that it was late at night before the girl had finished her work and could think of going home. And as she was tidying up and putting away the brushes and the sponges and the towels, she heard in the street outside the bathhouse,

a rattling of wheels and a jingling of harnesses and a clatter of hooves over the cobbles. And she ran to the door and what did she see kelsey some goblins some fucking goblins hell yes a magnificent golden coach drawn by four black stallions with gold and silver harnesses and bells on their forehead straps that rang out gaily as they tossed their plume bedecked heads surely thought the girl this must be the wedding coach of some rich lord very flamboyant very flamboyant and she's not totally wrong there are some very rich people and they do intend it to be a wedding coach but stepping out of the coach what did she see a hideous little goblin man with glaring eyes and

bandy legs and after him stepped out three younger goblins even more ugly and after the three younger goblins stepped out an old old woman goblin hideous and evil evil evil the girl quickly Evil. Evil. Evil. The girl quickly made the sign of the cross over the threshold, ran back into the bathhouse and slammed the door. Go away, go away, go away, she whispered under her breath. But the goblins didn't go away. Aw. Yeah. But they can't come over the threshold because the sign of the cross that the girl had made over it.

So, okay. Fair enough. Just, just gesturing in a cross like way. Good to know. We'll do the trick. Yeah.

Just FYI. If I'm ever being attacked by goblins, I'll remember that. Yeah. So the hideous little goblin man called out, come out here to me, my little daughter. Your bridegroom awaits you. I have chosen you as a wife for one of my sons.

He's already picked her. Boo. He's already calling her his daughter. It's very presumptuous. Mm-hmm. The girl was very frightened, but she kept her wits about her, and she called back, I am not ready to be married. I have neither shoes nor clothes.

Then the goblin man called again and said, Only tell me what clothes you need, my little daughter, and you shall have everything your heart desires. And the girl stood thinking what next she should say. And as the girl stood thinking what she should say next, a little mouse crept up to her and whispered, Listen, listen, don't be in a hurry. Tell the goblin what clothes you need, but tell him slowly, a garment at a time, for the dawn will come, but not yet. I love fairy tale mice. Me too, they are so helpful.

Yeah. So the girl called out, first of all, I need a silk chemise. Then the old woman goblin said to the three young goblins, my grandchildren, which of you can go the quickest there and back again? And the eldest of the three young goblins said,

I can go swiftly as a wave. And the second said, I can go as swiftly as the wind that drives a wave. And the second said, I can go as swiftly as the wind that drives the wave. And the youngest said, but I, I can go swiftly as a thought. I am here. I am there. I am back again, all at the same time. That's pretty fast. That's pretty fast. Leap then, little grandson, said the old woman goblin leap leap leap your feet are your fortune it is you who will win a lovely bride the youngest goblin leaped and vanished he was here he was

there and he was back again holding in his claws a silk chemise the old woman threw it in through the window of the bathhouse here is your silk chemise little daughter put it on let us go, for the wedding bells are ringing under the earth and the wedding guests are gathered together. Take your time, take your time. The dawn is yet far off, whispered the little mouse, and the girl put on the silk chemise slowly. Oh, how slowly. Is the silk chemise to your liking, little daughter, called the old woman goblin yes it is to my liking said the girl but i am not yet ready i have no golden gown very gotta have a golden gown for your wedding especially if you're getting married to a rich goblin go quick as thought said the old woman goblin to the youngest of her grandchildren

leap leap leap be here here, be there, be back again, and bring the bride a golden gown. I wonder where he's getting all of this stuff. I mean, he's magic, right? He is magic. I just, you know, where is he getting it, though? Like, did he have a shop picked out?

I don't know. Just taking some poor lady's clothes. This'll do. The youngest goblin leaped and vanished. Then, in the winking of an eye, he was back again, carrying in his claws a golden gown. The old woman goblin tossed the golden gown in through the window of the bathhouse, and the little mouse whispered to the girl, Loiter, loiter, the dawn is not yet the girl put on the golden gown slowly oh how slowly and the goblin grandmother called from outside the door is the golden gown to your liking little

daughter yes it's to my liking said the girl well then come out little daughter called the goblin grandmother for under the earth the wedding feast feast is spread. But the girl answered, I'm not yet ready. I lack an embroidered girdle. Nice. Nice. I also, I remember really enjoying the story as a kid because I really liked the

descriptions of like the wedding feast under the earth as it progresses. I always thought that was, that was really cool. Yeah. It's really very poetic. It is. Leap quick as thought said the goblin grandmother leap, leap,

leap, be here, be there, be back again and bring the bride and embroidered girdle. Quick as thought leapt and vanished. He was here. He was there. He was back again,

carrying in his claws, an embroidered girdle, which the old woman tossed in through the window of the bathhouse. Leisurely, leisurely, whispered the little mouse to the girl. The moon shines dim over the rooftops, but the morning star is still bright. There's no dawn yet. So the girl put on the embroidered girdle slowly. Oh, how slowly.

Is the girdle to your liking, little daughter, called the goblin grandmother from outside the door? Yes, it's to my liking, said the girl, but I am not yet ready. My feet are bare. I lack a pair of silver slippers. I don't know, a golden gown and silver slippers? Talk about clashing. Mm-hmm. Well, she's trying to think on her feet.

She can't be blamed. I mean, she's going real slow, though. Wouldn't you already be thinking about the next piece you need to ask for? For this outfit, you know, really a pair of golden slippers would be more appropriate for this kind of thing. That's what I was thinking. But what do I know? Yeah. It's her wedding day.

I guess I should not be so judgmental. It's her not wedding day to a goblin kid. So the grandmother tells Quick as Thought to be here, be there, be back again. Bring from down below a pair of silver slippers. I guess that answers my earlier question. Oh. He's been getting them from somewhere down below. A pair of silver slippers and win for yourself a lovely bride.

Quickest Thought leaped and vanished. He was here. He was here, he was there, he was back again, carrying the silver slippers, which the old goblin woman tossed in through the window of the bathhouse. Linger, linger, whispered the little mouse to the girl. The dawn comes slowly nearer. And the girl put on the silver slippers slowly. Oh, how slowly.

Are the slippers to your liking, little daughter? Yes, they're to my my liking but I'm not ready I lack a diamond tiara mm-hmm absolutely absolutely you need one of those you need one of those

for your not wedding day yeah I regret every day that I did not have a diamond tiara as part of my wedding ensemble I made a mistake okay I read every day that I did not have a diamond tiara as part of my wedding ensemble. I made a mistake.

The old woman sent quickest thought to fetch a diamond headdress, and when he brought it, she tossed it into the window of the bathhouse. Little daughter, little daughter, she called. We cannot wait longer. Down under the earth, the wedding candles are burning low, and the wedding guests are muttering and complaining. Is the crown to your liking? Yes, it's to my liking, said the girl. Then put it on and come out quickly, called the old goblin woman. You will have to go out now, whispered the little mouse to the girl, but look in the coach and find fault, for the dawn is at hand. So the girl opened the bathhouse door and stepped out.

There she stood on the threshold like a king's daughter with the gold of her gown and the diamonds of her headdress gleaming and glittering. Step into the coach, little daughter, said the old goblin man, and he opened the coach door and stretched out a horny hand to help her inside. A horny hand. But the girl drew back. Oh, no, no. The coach is not to my liking. These seats are too hard. I like that.

I have such respect for her. Right. Too hard, little daughter, said the old goblin man. Too hard. The cushions are covered with silk and plumply stuffed with goose feathers. I am not used to traveling on feather cushions, said the girl. I must have the coach strewn with hay. Hay?

Hay, yes. Okay. She asked for a lot of fancy shit and now wants the coach to be strewn with hay. Hay? Hay, yes. Okay. She asked for a lot of fancy shit and now wants the coach to be strewn with hay. Well, whatever it's not strewn with. Fine.

The old goblin struck his hands together. What can we do? Down under the earth there is no hay. The girl looked up at the sky. The moon was dropping down below the houses the morning star shone on the rooftops and there in the east did she see a glimmer of the dawn

no not yet i ride on hay or not at all she said same yeah she's super smart because they just they just gave it away. They gave away the game. They don't have hay. That's not a thing they do. Where are you going to find it? I'm going to get it. The goblins began to scream and chatter.

Hey, hey, where could they find hay? The goblin grandmother took out her eyes and flung them up into the air. Whoa. I know. Power move. They whirled round in a circle and came back into her head. I have seen hay, she shrieked. In a field outside the big city over there, I have seen a haystack not yet bound with ropes.

Bring hay, Quickest thought. Leap, leap, be here, be there, be back again. Bring hay. Bring hay. Quickest thought leaped and vanished. He was here and he was there, but he was not back again. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. The goblins

screamed and danced with impatience and the girls stood by the coach and looked up at the sky. Then a huge bundle of hay came rolling along the street and stopped beside the bathhouse, and from under the bundle crawled Quickest Thought. He was blue in the face and panting, and sweat streamed off him.

Why do I feel kind of bad for him? I know. He's trying so hard. He's trying so hard to accommodate his really persnickety bride. Mm-hmm. You know? He's being so hard. He's trying so hard to accommodate his really persnickety bride. You know, he's being so gracious. All he wants is a bride. Okay. It's bending over backwards with this girl.

He really is. The other goblins grabbed up the hay and armfuls and began stuffing it into the coach. Hurry, hurry, hurry. They screamed, tumbling over each other. Dawn is coming. They had the hay and the coach. Hurry, hurry, hurry, they screamed, tumbling over each other. Dawn is coming. They had the hay in the coach at last. The old goblin man seized the girl by the arm and said my favorite line in the entire story.

Get in, you hussy, he yelled. Is there any way to speak to your bride on her wedding day? Right? Rude as hell. You hussy. After you were all making such a show of being polite. Mm-hmm. You pert hussy.

The girl put her foot on the step of the coach. She looked down at the ground. There is yet one wisp of hay lying there, she said. You must put the last wisp into the coach or I do not enter. I love it. Queen. The four black stallions pawed the ground and whinnied. They flung up their heads and the bells on their forehead straps rang out.

The old goblin man snatched up the last wisp of straw and tossed it into the coach. Now get in, he shouted. I get in last, said the girl, as befits a modest maiden. Then all the goblins crowded into the coach. The old goblin man stretched out his hand to help the girl in. The girl glanced back and up at the sky. Yes, in the east, the dawn was breaking. Cock-a-doodle-doo! Cock-a-doodle-doo!

All the chickens in the little town began suddenly to crow. Yes, the chickens. The chickens. Definitely, that's what it says. At the sound, coach, horses, coachmen, old goblin man, old goblin woman, and three young goblins gave one last despairing yell and vanished. The girl stood alone at the bathhouse door. Her golden gown and her diamond tiara glistened in the dawn light, and the little mouse crept out of the bathhouse, stood up on its little hind legs, and squeaked, Well done, my lovely one. Well done.

Now take me up in your hand and carry me home with you and I will find a prince to marry you. Oh, I know. So the girl took the little mouse up in her hand and went home. The end. Do you have a fix for that story? Yeah. Where's the rest? I want to find out how they get the prince to marry her oh right mice have their way they're all talking to each other all the time very gossipy little creatures but i want this story to be more like aladdin where there's like

multiple parts like first she defeats the goblins of the bathhouse and then the second story is how the mouse helps her get a royal husband and then the third story is the goblins come back for revenge oh perfect i love that that's a great fix i think so too what about you any fixes as with most fairy tales just more of the story is always going to be better i didn't have any until you said that yeah i just want more eggs but like i love this story i think it's beautifully written i i just always enjoy a story about like witty girls who save themselves by you know by their quick thinking or maybe maybe a little help from a little mouse friend yeah yeah that the mouse friend helps them but she still comes up with all the stuff and like plays it off and um and i love uh i love that like i love stories about fairy creatures that they just they are bound by a certain set of rules from which

they cannot deviate and so both the goblins and the girl are playing by the rules of this interaction, like this ancient set of how this is done. And they're both just trying to like, it's just, it's like chess. They're just both trying to win. Yeah. And I just, I don't know. I like it. It's a good story. Yeah.

That's a classic one. That's definitely in A Choice of Magic is where I read that. Yeah. It's, it's fantastic classic one. That's definitely in A Choice of Magic is where I read that. Yeah. It's fantastic. It's fabulous. Unless you have – oh, let's – did you – well, you didn't make predictions for this one, did you? Yeah, I didn't make any predictions. I have read that one.

I loved it. And you read it so beautifully. Thank you. It's so good. Happy Halloween. Happy Halloween. Ghosts and goblins hell yes and thank you so much

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Instagram at fairytalefixpod. And please email us your favorite fairy tales, folklores, nursery rhymes. If you have other spooky recommendations, we want to hear it. Hell yeah. Email us at info at fairytalefixpod.com and the blood and liver sausage were not a part of the strange feast and that story was never written for abby's sake please please please please that's the perfect fix for that and after defeating the goblins at the bathhouse, we getats them once again using her brain and has the

assistance of her teeny tiny mouse advisor who presumably has like a tiny crown and a suit hell yes yes and they all lived happily ever after the end the end hey there campers my name's kimmy and my name's ryan we've noticed you stumbled upon our mystical campfire so that means there's a solid chance you have some questions like why am i here what's going on and why are there cryptid and folklore creatures everywhere and should i be worried about the mothman dressed as a camp counselor swooping down to steal my s'mores well you've stumbled upon the lorian Campgrounds. Alurian is a folklore podcast where every episode we dive into the history and lore of different creatures and cryptids you see wandering around these campgrounds.

And during each episode, we discuss the sightings, encounters, poems, history, fun, facts, and pop culture focused on our campfire topic that week. We hope through shared experience we can learn and make light about all the unknown corners of the universe. So come take a seat around the campfire, make yourself at home, and listen to Alluring Today anywhere podcasts are heard. Or watch videos on YouTube, or even go to our website alluring.com. That's A-L-L-O-R-E-I-N-G dot com.