Fairy Tale Fix - 57: No Chicken For You!

Episode Date: January 31, 2023

Foxy Prince Peterlin makes the most of his pretty privilege with the help of a thirsty granny giant in Kelsey’s story this week: The Three Golden Hairs of the King of the Cave Giants! Abbie follows up with the tale of a highly relatable man who just wants to eat dinner in peace: The Hungry Peasant, God, and Death.

I did want to tell you this story about something that unfortunately was a very, very 2022 problem in a immediate sort of way. So Stephen and I. Wow. Hang on. Hello! Hi! And welcome to Fairytale Fix. This is the podcast where we read fairy tales to each other and then fix them for a modern audience, or more accurately, our own entertainment. That is how it is turning out. That's how it's been shaping up but more like what would make it more fun for us honestly i think that's the most valid way to talk about any form of media is how would i enjoy this more yeah um it was fun abby actually helped me yesterday, the day before. No, yesterday.

Fix the Hunger Games because it was a new watch. And I hadn't watched them. I'm actually not fully convinced that I've ever watched Mockingjay Part 1. I remember watching Part 2. But Part 1, I couldn't remember like how they got underground and how they got to the Capitol. So I think I missed that whole movie. You well, yeah, no, I guess I guess you must have like so when you were watching part one, you were just absolutely like, I have never seen any of this. Well, I mean, some of it sounded familiar. Maybe I i watched it but i fell asleep or something i don't know i just remember being very confused watching the last bit and anyway i was texting

abby the whole time through it because it's really fun re-watching everything because i got to watch it all in like two days and basically katniss should have been a lesbian. I don't know. That was pretty much the fix. I mean, sorry, you go on, you go on. I was about to. It's just such a good like dystopian tale. And I thought it was really awkward with all this like weird teen romance. And it's like, and now they have to kiss. And I was like, that's so like awkward. And they keep trying it.

Like, it's almost like the author was smart enough to be like, I want to just write a regular dystopian novel, but it's going to be popular if I add some weird, awkward teen romance stuff in it. Yeah. Which is how I felt watching it. I've never actually read The Hunger Games, to be fair. Honestly, I don't think that's an entire because I've read I have read all three books multiple times. I love these. And that is not an inaccurate read.

I don't think because even in the books, the romance really does seem like it's shoehorned in there. Because her editor was like, if you want to sell books, it's a YA series. There must be a love triangle. Or as I have seen it referred to on Twitter and TikTok, a love corner. A love corner. Okay. Because it's not a true triangle. The boys aren't into each other.

The third side is not complete. They're only into her. That's so good point i've seen it i saw a great tweet i can't remember who it was by but like it like in a if it's a love triangle it's actually a love corner and the woman is always backed into it i was backed into it that's funny and canis did seem very backed into it she seemed very like i don't know it's just very awkward and she i don't know she also kept saying how she didn't make friends very easily and that people didn't like her but she made immediate friends with all of the girls gays and ace absolutely all of them those were all of her best friends and i was just I don't know. I feel like I wanted something to happen between her and Joanna.

100%. Okay. Here's my argument. Here's my, like. Just saying. They're like frenemy sort of thing going on. It was very sexy. Katniss is already a lesbian because of this first scene where she meets Joanna.

Like getting naked in the elevator. Yes. So she makes out with Peter for all of the first book. Gail kisses her once or twice in there, I think, to try to to try to get in there. And she feels absolutely nothing for either of them. And then this hot girl gets on the elevator and takes off all of her clothes. And suddenly this girl is blushing and can't get a word out. She's already gay. It's canonical.

We need a Hunger Games remake. So if Jennifer, I mean, i don't think she's young enough to do the role anymore but god she really did act the shit out of it uh yeah i i enjoyed the movies a lot it was really fun um it's really old so that's what i've been doing i have this week off we're recording in between the the week in between christmas and new year's where it's like i don't know i feel like a lot of people at least that celebrate the holiday are like in a weird funk and you just have all this leftover like cookies and really bad food for you and i took the week off because i'm just revel in it So that's what I've been doing is just absolutely nothing

and watching movies and Futurama actually, of course. Perfect. Classic. I love that clip that you sent me of Lila getting so excited

about being able to be a witch. Yeah. When she asks the what if machine, what if she found her true home and it's like, mom is the wicked witch. And she's like, you want to get adopted, you little brat? You little skank.

I can't remember. And then she's like, yeah, but only if I get to hurt people. I don't want to just dance around at the Equinox. So good. I get Leela. Leela gets us. She wanted to be the witch really badly anywho let's do this i'm really excited oh i actually i wanted to ask you real fast uh did you have any new year's resolutions we didn't talk about that on our last episode and so weird because this one comes out january 31st yeah this is a very special month where there's three episodes for everyone.

I know. Well, first of all, to recap from my last resolutions for last year. Oh, yeah. Did you make it? Did you do it? Wasn't it something about doing something with your yard? Yes. One of them, I'm afraid I'm going to have to re-up for this year, which is doing something with my front yard.

Do something with that front yard. Get it done. I'm going to do it this year. This is the year. 2023 is when it's going to happen. Yeah. My other one was to do one pull-up. That's right.

Did you? No. So you got two re-ups. But I'm continuing my pull-up journey. Like I can do one like banded pull-up with the thickest one available. And that's where you have like one of those like rubber bands, like a really thick,

big one that you tie to the top of the, of the bars. And then you put your foot through it and then it helps you pull. I can do one of those. If anyone thinks it sounds easy, it's not, it's still really, really hard. Yeah. It's still super hard.

So, like, I feel like I want to give myself partial credit that my gymnastic skills improved at least. Like, I can do one banded pull-up on the thickest band with lots of difficulty. Like it is not a smooth ride up there. I strain for it. Um, I can, I can, I can, uh, I can kip, which is when you hang from the bars and then use your shoulders to, to, um, swing yourself back and forth to get momentum. Mm-hmm. So I can do that. And I can, and honestly, this is my crowning achievement. I can just hang from the bar for like 30 seconds without my hands failing me.

So my grip strength has improved to the point where I can hang there for a little while without needing to let go. Good. You work toward the go. So good. You work toward the goal. So that's what really counts. That's what matters.

I worked toward the goal. I did something. So I'm, I'm going to call it, you know what? I'm going to fucking call it a win. I'm going to call it a win. Yeah, go for it.

Do it. My, my New Year's resolution for this year outside from the outside of the yard thing is, um, I want to get like my, i feel like i'm too old to find to like actually be thinking about this um in a in a more serious way but i want to get my financial future planning taken care of i want some kind of plan like i've got a 401k through

my job yeah but i i don't i don't have anything else in place. I don't have any other investments or a Roth IRA or any of the things that all of the financial advice you see pretty much everywhere suggests that you're supposed to start when you're 22. My New Year's resolution is I'm going to meet with a financial advisor, and I'm going to try to figure Year's resolution is I'm going to meet with a financial advisor and I'm going to try to figure out like what we should be doing. That's so smart. I love that. I don't think it's ever too late to do that kind of thing, especially if you haven't.

Like, no. Yeah. Like it's, it's, it's kind of, it's one of those things. It's like that, that old saying, like, you know, the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. Yeah sure sort of thing so i'm gonna i'm gonna do it and i'm going to feel like i'm going to feel so much like an adult who has got her shit together if i can actually get a plan in place by next year those are great resolutions or goals or whatever. Thank you. Thank you. We'll see how they go this year.

What about you? I think I definitely did my goal of last year and listened to more music, which was exciting. Yay! I really loved my Spotify Top 100. I always listen to my own playlists, and I'm like, oh, this is a great playlist. Because I made it.

Because it's all your favorite songs. But I feel the same way when the Spotify Top 100 comes out. I'll be like, oh, my God, no skips. What a banger of a playlist. Yeah, for sure. No, I haven't really made any resolutions for this year. I feel like that's most years. I don't really have any long-term goals or plans. Maybe I'll just copy you and say I don't really want to do a pull-up. You know what I've always really wanted to be able to do is to run six miles. Ooh.

I've gotten to five. Five is pretty good. I mean mean that's more than I can run I prefer running than strength training strength training is like way harder for me if I could just run and then like turn off my brain and listen to music that's what I like to do so maybe I'll do that

maybe I'll like try to run six miles this year I like that but I don't know you can also copy me about that financial planning one if you want. Nah. I really don't want to do that.

I mean, that sounds like a great idea, but oh my gosh. I also hate to think about money. Yeah, I feel you so hard because I'm hearing myself talking and I feel the exact hard. Because I'm, I'm hearing myself talking, and I feel the exact same way of like, that sounds like a great idea. But no,

it'd be really easy for me. We they have like financial planners through the college in town. And I think they do it for free for alumni. Mm hmm. So I really could. You really could. You really could. You probably should. Abby's so smart. I'm 32 and I'm just getting around to it. I don't know if that's super smart or anything. It was actually my parents who made me think of it. They were like, what are you doing?

What are you going to do for your future? Like, how are you planning to feed yourself? Just never quit working and always have a job. I'll just never. I'll just never. What are you talking about? I'll just never retire. I feel like that's most.

Fine. I'll work myself literally to death and. Well, I don't know. It's fine. Most places don't have a retirement plan. I feel like I had something I was going to say for my resolutions, then I forgot. I don't know. Who cares?

Let me read you a story. Yes, read me a story. Who gives a – New Year's resolutions are dumb anyway. Yeah. All right. Tell me a story. I don't want to talk about this anymore it's making me sad um today i'm going to read from a book of giants yay uh because i absolutely love this book generously donated by one of our favorite people ever chris otto um we love you chris so much and i am reading you the story of

the three golden hairs of the king of the cape giants the three golden hairs hairs h-a-r-e-s um h-a-i-r-s oh hairs okay i'm glad I asked for clarification because I was definitely thinking rabbits. That would have been cool. Okay. The three golden hairs of the cave giants. Of the king of the cave giants. Of the king of the cave giants. And it's a story from Germany. All right.

Prediction number one, someone is going to try to steal those three golden hairs somehow. Okay. That was just immediately what came to mind. I know, that was pretty fast. Mostly because of the Lord of the Rings. Well, you know, because Galadriel gives Gimli three golden hairs from her head. He doesn't steal those, though.

No, no, he doesn't steal them, but hearing three golden hairs just made me think, you know. Someone steal, or tries to steal. Yeah. The three golden hairs, okay uh the king of the cave giants is a bfg he's a big friendly giant i love it you know me i do love a friendly giant did you did you read that book as a kid uh yeah definitely and i am like traumatized by it because he talks about how you can hear

flowers screaming when you pick i forgot about that i did not that's all I can think about whenever I think about that book. Oh, my God. Didn't they make a movie? They did. I didn't see it. So I don't know anything about it. I heard it was bad.

But that's what everybody says. Don't listen. Don't listen. Don't listen to what people say. I feel like almost every movie that's come out ever, there have been a lot of people going like, this movie's bad. Yeah. For one reason or another or another. So I love giants.

I want more giants and stuff. And I love, I love the big friendly giant. It's actually a tiny wimpy giant compared to all the rest of them. Oh, I forgot about that story. And like they eat like these giant like he eats these giant cucumber things i forget what he actually like he has a different name for them i don't know

it's super cute it's adorable um okay yeah roald dahl is pretty much the best okay so someone tries to steal the three golden hairs the king of the giants is a bfg and my third prediction i'm gonna you know what it's the only one that's coming to mind i don't know why but i'm gonna i'm going out on a limb it's it's kind of a it's a wild one it's not true in all likelihood but i think that the three hairs are musical somehow isn't i feel like that's definitely a fairy tale-esque theme yeah so i like it i don't know they're musical they're musical they're almost assuredly not you don't know that i don't know that when i was reading this story i like almost i almost never predicted where it was going until like around the end okay it was very surprising to

me for some reason here is the three golden hairs of the king of the cave giants once upon a time a poor woodcutter lived with his wife on the edge of a forest for a while there were only two of them and then the wife had a baby boy one stormy night the woodcutter looked at the baby in the cradle and said wife i would like my boy to do better in the world than i have done no sooner than he had said that there came a knock at the door the woodcutter hastened to open the door and there in the wind and rain stood a lean man with the water dripping off the cloak that he wore. Coming out of the storm and dry yourself, said the woodcutter. And the lean man stepped inside,

hung up his wet cloak on a pig and sat down beneath the hearth. Now the wife had nothing in the house for supper, but four sausages and some black bread. But when she saw how their visitor shivered and shook with the cold and how lean he was, she served him up all four sausages, whilst she and the woodcutter ate only dry bread. Oh my gosh, that's so kind. It's so kind. That's so kind. That's really nice. And I don't know, what a great dad to look at your son and be like i want you to be a better a better person than me yeah i i love that too i was i was saying that's

like that that feels that feels more like classic real world parent to me than um classic fairy tale parent because like i feel like fairy tale parents are always trying to tear their kids down. Definitely. These are great people. Yeah, they seem lovely. I am worried for them now because they seem great. So they gave the lead man the four sausages, and if the lead man noticed that, he didn't say a word. It was the same when bedtime came. He noticed.

He's a magic man. He's a magic man. Magic men always notice when you do a good turn. It was the same when bedtime came. There was only one bed in the cottage and the lean man had it whilst the woodcutter and his wife lay on the floor. And if the lean man noticed that he didn't say a word. Before daybreak, the woodcutter took his gun and went into the forest and shot a hare. The wife cooked it for breakfast, and the lean man ate three quarters of it, and the woodcutter and his wife had only one quarter between them. Then the lean man got up to go. Filled, rested, and dried, said he, and nothing to give you in return. We are not looking

for a return, said the woodcutter. But I have at any rate something to tell you, said the lean man. Your little son will grow up to marry the king's daughter. And he was on with his cloak and out through the door before the woodcutter and his wife could recover from their surprise. How the news got about, no one could say, but it wasn't many days before everyone in the nearby village knew what the lean man had foretold for the woodcutter's baby. Well, sure, I bet they went and they told everybody in town. Mm-hmm. Fuck yeah.

Guess what they said about my son? Guess what this man said? Hot. Said my son's going to be a prince. It's hot goss. Hottest goss. hottest goss so the news spread from the village all the way to the palace and soon the king heard of it and he fell into a rage marry my daughter said he a woodcutter's brat will soon stop to that

nonsense i love how this is probably going to end up turning into like one of those self-fulfilling prophecies sort of thing like maybe the lean man wasn't magic at all and just like said some shit and that's going to and it's going to turn out to be true because the king is going to make it true by interfering i definitely think the lean man was magic magic so off the king rode to the woodcutter's cottage pretending to have lost his way out hunting he stooped over the baby in its little wooden cradle and said it was the loveliest child he had ever set eyes on you must let me take him to the palace and rear him as a companion for my daughter said he the mother wasn't willing but the woodcutter whispered there's fate in this wife remember

the words of the lean man so then the mother wrapped the baby in a warm shawl and the king took it cradle and all and set before him on his horse and galloped away with it he galloped till he came to a deep swift flowing stream and into that stream he flung the baby in its cradle. Oh my Jesus. Oh God. Fucking asshole. Oh. Okay. He's going to marry the giant king's daughter.

No, just the king. Just the king. No, no, no. I know that this is just the king. I'm just... I'm making more predictions i'm extrapolating stuff making more predictions i see anyway oh my god what a fucking asshole i know it's funny because i was like i thought he was just like took like taken by the beauty of the baby or whatever and that he changed his mind and then he throws him into the river

no oh no no it was like his dastardly plan this whole time to like flatter the child. Like, oh. Oh. His mommy didn't want to let him go. Yeah. And she shouldn't have. She shouldn't have. Or maybe she should have.

The story's not over yet. Okay. Be off with you to the bottom, said he, and marry the daughter of a fish, but you won't get my daughter and away he what a bitch right oh marry the daughter of a fish i think that's funny but he hadn't thought to put a stone in the cradle along with the baby so the cradle didn't sink the stream carried it on till it came to the miller's dam, and there the miller saw it and drew it ashore. He carried the baby into the mill.

Wife, said he, we have often warned that we have no children. Now see what the stream has brought us. So the miller and his wife brought up the baby and loved him as their own son. They called him Peterlin because of the lin, or stream, had brought him. And he grew so handsome and strong and proud and fearless that you would have said he was a prince in disguise to look at him and not the son of a poor woodcutter. Now, when Peterlin was 18, which is exciting, we never know the age of these characters. Yeah, and then also like, I like 18. 18 sounds like an adult age. Yeah. Nominally, you know?

You're a mostly grown ass man now. You're a mostly grown ass man, which means that like, I will feel it might be a little less weird. Now when Peter Lynn was 18 and was working one day outside the mill, who should come riding by but the king and his train of courtiers? When the king saw Peter Lynn, he was astonished at his beauty and thought he would like him as a page. So he sent for the miller. That's a handsome lad, that son of yours, said the king to the miller. Handsome, truly, sire, said the miller. But not my son, and please you. And he told the king who he had found Peter Lynn said the miller but not my son and please you and he told the king who he

had found peterlin in the mill dam then the king knew who the lad was and did he want him for a page after that hell no no he did not but he smiled a false crooked smile and said he my lady queen has gone on a visit to one of my northern castles and i wish to send her a letter will you allow this fine lad to carry it for me i know he can be trusted and the queen delights in beauty again it's one of those things where beauty is just like such a big theme he's a very beautiful man such a big theme to He's a very beautiful man. Such a big theme. To the point where I also just want to point out that the king likes having a retinue of pretty page

boys. Yes, he does. If he was trying to scoop this one up. Yeah, he does. And the queen lives in her northern castle. And she lives up in the northern castle. They have an understanding. It's all political. It would be cute if he wasn't, you know, murdery.

No, he's evil. He's evil. I mean, throwing a baby in the river, that's evil. That's pretty evil. That's just because some peasants were murmuring that he might marry your daughter someday. I know, right? Come on. Some lean stranger.

I love that his name is just The Lean Man. The Lean Man. Who was that? Anyway. Oh, wow. Okay. So he asks if the young lad will carry a letter to his queen. And the Miller was willing to let his,

you know, adopted son go off. So the King wrote a letter and sealed it. And Peter Lynn set out on his journey, pleased that the King should so single him out and favor him. But he wouldn't have been so pleased if he could have read the message inside that sealed letter for it is it queen kill this guy yeah yes it is for it told the queen to have the bearer beheaded immediately

peterlin walked northward all day but when night came he lost his way in a wood where wolves were howling. So seeing the light in a large hut, he knocked and asked for a night's lodging. The woman who opened the door looked on him pityingly. Poor pretty lad, said she. You don't know what you ask. This is a robber's den. If, when the robbers return, they find you here, they will strip you naked. I have nothing on me worth stealing said peterlin the robbers are men like myself i would rather spend the night with them than with the

wolves out there in the wood so the woman took him in and put him to sleep in a little back room she covered him up with a wolf skin and told him to lie very quiet and then perhaps the robbers would not notice him um i'm just so i'm i'm i'm a little distracted by like the whole concept of a robber's den of like she's like oh yeah they just live here it's like a little den of thieves it's a little den of thieves they're like they're in a club it's like a specific robbers club. I guess that was a thing. That makes sense. They're all her kids. They're all her kids?

She's like, you don't want to do that. I like that better than the alternative I was kind of imagining. She just adopts all the robbers that hang out in the woods. She's just their mom. I love imagining. She just adopts all the robbers. They hang out in the woods. Just their mom. Great. Okay. But the robbers did notice him and it wasn't much that they missed. Peter Lynn was sound asleep.

The robber chief crept into him very quietly to see if he had anything on him worth stealing. He felt in Peter Lynn's pockets and found the King's letter, took it out, broke the seal and read it under the kitchen lamp. Now the robber chief and the King were at odds as well. They might be for the King was always threatening to hang the robbers. If only he could catch him. So when the robber chief read the letter,

he grinned a great grin and called for a pen took paper and wrote another letter letter and sealed it in the same manner we're gonna get some looney tunes shit aren't we and put this new letter into peterlyn's pocket without waking him yes oh the mischief what do you think the letter what do you think this new letter says marry him to our daughter immediately verbatim marry the bearer to our daughter immediately yes i nailed it well the queen was a bit surprised when peter lynn arrived and she read that letter

but a queen must do what the king tells her sure no boo and moreover she was greatly taken with peter lynn's beauty as for the princess she fell in love with peter lynn the moment she saw him and he fell in love with her yeah she's hot probably two hotties two hotties love or something else yeah they just want to fuck well they had to get married to do that i guess yeah they were married that day and the lean man's words came true. The wedding festivities lasted for three days and they were all still feasting and rejoicing when the king arrived. What's the meaning of this? Said he, white with rage.

I did as your majesty commanded, said the queen. And she showed him the letter. The king had to pretend to pleasure and he smiled crooked smiles, but raged in his false wicked heart oh i love it i love it it's so good it's so good the rascal may have married my daughter thought he but i'll let with him yet so he called peter lynn to him and said now that you are a prince you must prove your mettle. Willingly, said Peter Lin. But if you will tell me how. Bring me three golden hairs from the head of the king of the cave giants, said the king. Good. Okay.

Finally. Let's go. I've totally forgotten about the giants by this point. Uh-huh. I kind of had to, actually. If you succeed in doing that, I shall know you are worthy to rule over my kingdom when i am dead but he won't succeed thought the king the giant will kill him and he laughed in his false wicked heart peterlin kissed the princess goodbye and set out after walking a long way he came to a city

and asked the guards at the gate to let him through. Who are you? Said one of the guards. What are you doing? And what do you know? I am Prince Peter. What do you know? What do you know? I want to start asking people that all the time. What do you know? I'm Prince Peter. Lynn said he.

I am walking on my way and I know everything. Which is such a like sexy answer i love that that's that's a sexy answer it's a bold answer to be sure it's sure it's uh it's radiating confidence tripping with it's tripping with confidence then can you tell us said the guard why is it that the fountain in our marketplace has dried up the reward for answering that question is two asses laden with gold which i really love yeah i will tell you when i come back said peterland and the guards let him through. That's such a cop-out answer, though. Peter Lynn doesn't know shit.

He will, though. He'll find out. He'll learn today. After a while, he came to another city and asked the guards at the gate to let him through. Who are you? What are you doing, and what do you know? I am Prince Peter Lynn, said he. I am walking on my way and I know everything. Then the guards asked him why the apple tree that grew in the city park that used to bear golden apples did

not now bear even leaves. If he could answer that question, he would get four asses laden with gold. I will tell you when I come back, said Peter Lynn, and the guards let him through. Late in the afternoon, he came to a lake and called to the ferryman to row him across. The ferryman asked who he was, what he was doing, and what he knew. And Peter Lynn again said that he knew everything. Then tell me, said the ferryman, why is it that I must forever row people back and forth over this lake and can never get away from my boat?

Because he's fucking cursed. Yeah, like, you know the answer. If you can answer that question, I will give you eight asses laden with gold. You ran afoul of a witch, buddy. Yeah, right? You done fucked up.

I will tell you when I come back, said Peter Lynn. How do you have so many asses? I mean, the cities in the cities that made sense that they would have asses with gold. I know the ferryman has the most. Just laying about. People are like, people need to get across the river and they're like, will you watch my

ass that's laden with gold, please? Oh, I guess you can't go anywhere. Watch my ass. Sorry, I just read that. That's very funny. I know. I love it. So the ferryman rode him across the lake. And so in the end, he came to where the king of the cave giants lived, in a gloomy cavern as broad as a mountain.

The giant himself was not at home, but the giant's grandmother was sitting outside in a cave in a rocking chair, twiddling her great thumbs. Go away, my handsome pretty boy, said she. I can't go away, said Peter Lynn, until I have three of the giant's golden hairs. How's that, then? Because if I don't get them, the king will kill me, said Peter Lynn, until I have three of the giant's golden hairs. How's that then? Because if I don't get them, the king will kill me, said Peter Lynn. Killie, she said. And you such a handsome pretty

boy. Nay, nay, the king shan't kill ye. Grandma'll help you get your golden hairs. Oh, yay! Yes! Oh my god, I love it. Me too! Oh, grandma. We! Oh my god, I love it! Me too! Oh, grandma! We have a helpful grandma giant.

Fuck yes. I love this story. So many twists and turns. That's pretty privileged, people. He lives in the bubble. Of course he thinks he knows everything. No one's ever asked him a serious question before. And he didn't even answer any of their questions. He just said, I'll tell you later. And they're like, okay. They're too busy

like blushing and like tucking their hair behind their ears. 100%. A man failing upwards he hasn't done anything nothing now I'm getting mad

it's coming back around for me now I'm getting irritated well I don't know he hasn't said much about his character he hasn't really done anything specifically like good or bad he's just it's everything's sort of just happening to him yeah he is the definition of a passive protagonist but he is he is um very pretty and super's super hot. Very confident. I don't know.

That'll get you pretty far, I guess. Anyway. Grandma's willing to help him. I love that. Yeah, she is. The story is about her. She's the star. So grandma offers to help him get the three golden hairs.

And I should like to know the answers to three questions, said Peter Lynn. And he told her about the fountain, the apple tree, and the ferryman. My Lord, said she, ate you a troublesome child,

but you're a pretty one. Grandma'll see what she can do for you. And she changed Peter Lynn into an aunt. Ooh. do for ye. And she changed Peterlin into an ant. Ooh! She had just hidden him in a fold of her skirt when the giant came home. And if she was big, he was

bigger and cast his shadow over the whole country. Be-fi-fo-fum. Yes! I smell the blood, he began. But she took him up short. There you go again with your fee-fi fuming, said she.

If there be a man, find him. And if there ain't no man, don't stand there snuffing, but pick up my chair and carry it in for me and we'll sit down to supper the giant couldn't find a man so he carried the chair into the cave and his grandmother gave him a good supper oh grandma's this lady is perfect i know i fucking love her i love her so much

she's very sweet and also sassy after After supper, she sat in her rocking chair and the giant laid his head in her lap and she stroked his golden hair for him and he fell asleep. All three hairs of them. Just the three? Just the three. He only has three. That's honestly

what I assumed from the title. I now know that it's probably he just needs to get three hairs but yeah he just needs a giant has a full head of hair but i really was picturing a mostly bald giant with three hairs he needs like three beard hairs just pluck them out As soon as he was snoring, she tweaked a hair out of his head. What are you doing of? He cried, waking up very cross. Save us, said she. I must have grabbed a hold of your head in my sleep.

I was that frightened. I dream I was shut up in a strange city and the guards wouldn't let me out till I told him why their fountain had gone dry. But how could I tell him when I didn't know? She's the best. She's the best main character, new main character. I want that.

She's just, she's amazing. Then if you dream that dream again, said the giant, you can tell him from me that there's a toad squatting under a stone at the foot of the fountain. Kill the toad and the fountain will flow again. Now leave me to sleep in peace. As soon as he was asleep snoring, the grandmother pulled out another hair and he woke with a bellow.

You're at it again, Ari. What do you want? What's the matter with E? Oh, said she. I clutched at your head in my dream. I was that frightened. I dreamed I was in another strange city and the guards were going to kill me because I couldn't tell them why their apple tree that used to bear golden apples didn't now even bear a leaf. How could I tell him when I don't know?

Well, you can tell him from me, said the giant, that there is a mouse gnawing at the roots. Catch the mouse and the tree will bear golden apples again. Now, will you leave me to sleep in peace? Well, sleep then, said she. I'm not hindering a V. She's so sassy. Oh, I love it. she's so sassy oh i love it so the giant slept and snored and the grandmother pulled out the third golden hair and he woke raging the grandmother said she dreamed that the ferryman

was killing her because she couldn't tell him why he could never get out of his boat tell him from me said the giant that if he puts the rudder into the hand of a passenger he will be free and the passenger must take his place now i'll sleep and if you wake me again i'll kill ye meself shan't wake you again said the grandmother shan't dream no more and they both slept isn't that isn't that last one is wasn't that like referenced in, um, the instructions story that Rick, that, uh, Robbie read to us? Oh, honestly, I don't. The ferryman.

Yeah. We're like you, one of the instructions was like, wait until, yeah. Like, you know, don't tell the ferryman how he can free himself until after he's taken you to your destination and shout out from it. Shout, shout from a hill or something i think that's right i want to have to re-listen to that though yeah i feel like i have to re-listen to that at least once a year especially because robbie tells it just so beautifully robbie tells it so perfectly that was a great um that was a great story robbie i don't know if you're listening but you were amazing i want to listen to that once a year and figure out what fairy tales it's referencing

have a good cry i know that was so good so they all slept and the grandmother slept in her rocking chair the giant slept with his head in her lap and the little aunt that was peterlin slept in a fold in her skirt in the morning when the was Peter Lynn slept in a fold in her skirt. In the morning when the giant had eaten his breakfast and gone out, the grandmother changed Peter Lynn back into his proper shape and gave him the three golden hairs. And it was you hearkening

like a fox to them questions and answers, said she. I was, said Peter Lynn. Oh ho, grandma's the one to help a sweet pretty pretty boy, she chuckled, and gave him a smacking kiss that fair knocked him backward. I wish her the absolute best. Me too.

I think she's living her best life. She's just doing whatever the fuck she wants. She sure is. I love her. So cute. My favorite giant so far although i do really also love um who was the giant that was like really loved the there was like a little man that he really loved so he gave him the invisible belt and was like no you're gonna come party with me the other giant

baby giant like a young giant uh-huh that, that was cute. Who, yeah, I remember that story. I think that was Prince Loaf. Yes, yep, that was the one. Gosh, that was such a good story. Okay, giant stories are the best stories. So with his three golden hairs, Peterlin set out on his way back. When he came to the lake, the ferryman said,

now, master know-it-all, tell me the answer to my question you have only to put the rudder into the hand of your passenger and you will be free tell him that on the other side right and he will have to take your place said peterlin as simple as that yelled the delighted ferryman as simple as that said peterlin ferryman. As simple as that, said Peter Lynn. The eight asses laden with gold are tied up under yonder tree,

said the ferryman. Bring them along and I'll ferry the lot of you over. And then I'll take them myself and put the oar in your hand, you fucking idiot. I almost wish, kind of wish that how it ended.

But Peter Lynn is much too smart for that he drove the asses around the lake lest the ferryman should put the rudder into his hand by and by he came to the city where the apple tree grew and the guards asked him if they had an answer to their question yes i have at the root of the apple tree a mouse is gnawing catch the mouse and the tree will bear golden apples again as simple as that as simple as that so the guards dug around the roots of the tree and caught the mouse and immediately the tree clothed itself in brilliant green leaves and golden apples they gave peterlin four asses laden with gold as they had promised so peterlin came to the next city and the guards

asked him now can you tell us why our fountain is dry yes i can and he told them about the toad as simple as that as simple as that so the guards dug up the stone at the foot of the fountain and found the toad and killed it which i think is overkill i don't feel like they needed to kill the toad no just shoo him away you know something this was a cursed toad there's definitely a witch happening like there's a witch around here somewhere oh definitely because like the giant knows like technically how these things are happening but But I think, honestly, I think he knows more. What does he know? This could be like a whole anthology of fairy tales, just all

happening in the same universe. We could have a whole other Into the Woods just with this fairy tale, with all the interconnected ones. I would watch that. Gosh, I love it when they mix fairy tales like that too. Okay. Now he had 14 asses laden with gold and driving them. That's a lot. Can you imagine? That's so many asses. That's a lot of ass.

Peter's out getting himself a lot of ass. Peter's out getting himself a lot of ass. Oh my goodness. And driving them before him, he arrived at the palace and gave the king the three golden hairs from the giant's head. The false wicked king pretended to be overjoyed to see Peter Lynn, but dear son, said he,

where did you get all that gold? I got most of it by the side of the lake, said Peter Lynn. The near side or the far side? The far side, said Peter Lynn. So the bad, greedy king set out at once for the lake. Oh!

Uh-huh. I love this ending if it ends the way I think it does. I think it does. I think it does. When he got to the lake, he shouted to the ferryman to row him across. The ferryman brought the boat in, thrust the rudder into the king's hand and leaped ashore. What's the meaning of this? Said the king.

You'll soon find out, said the ferryman, and Aki went laughing. Yes. Delightful. I love it. You go, Glen Coco. So there was the false winged king stuck in that boat, rowing back and forth, forth and back over the lake till doomsday. And there was Peterlin, king in his stead. The woodcutter and his wife came to live at the palace, and Peter Lynn sent his 14 asses laden with gold to the miller and his wife, and there were great rejoicings. The end.

The end. Oh, charming. Perfect. Wasn't that a good one? I loved that. Yes. I liked it, too. I thought that was really fun just a very feel good

and also friendly giants friendly giants yes geez it wasn't it wasn't the king but his grandmother the grandmother was a BFG and just and you know it's straight up just a G oh hell yes

I love it so you got one point um because someone definitely stole the three golden hairs yes so one point for abby good for me incredible i do have one fix for it i think oh tell me tell me just. So at the end, I am a little unclear about how he found out that the woodcutters were his original parents. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. So I want the king. I want the king somehow to have some sort of like villainous monologue where he kind of lays out everything that's happened for peterkin peterlin i love that um maybe maybe like later like peterlin follows him he follows him to the lake

or something and like stands just outside of range and like taunts him about it or whatever and then and then the king gets some kind of mustache twirling villainous monologue. I love it. Yes. Cause, cause I just, I want that gap filled in. And then also like,

I get it that like he wanted to pay the Millers for having raised him, but also like they, they were more effectively his parents than the woodcutters were because he spent, you know, six months, like from six months old to 18 years was the amountters were because he spent, you know, six months, like from six months old to 18 years was the amount of time that he spent with them. Yeah.

Maybe they didn't want to go live in the palace. Maybe. Maybe. And they also didn't like claim him because like you'd think that like you'd raised this kid for 18 to manhood and you say that's not my son like yeah that was kind of weird that was super weird i i think i think the issue with the parents is a little muddled but i'm glad that peter lynn was reunited with the woodcutter parents i think i like that fix i didn't really think about it that much i just liked that they included them at the end because there are so many fairy tales where it's just like sorry who cares who the original parents of this like charming beautiful orphan were right and like he just went back and they they lived

happily ever after and it's more like ambiguous and vague but i like that they mentioned the miller and his wife and the woodcutter yeah they get a nice they get a nice payoff and then the woodcutters who are like undoubtedly poorer like get to come be get to come live at the palace like i do i do love it i think it's a lovely i think it's a lovely ending i just mostly it's just that the king gets the villainous monologue he deserves i i also think it would have been fun if the grandma giant got to come live in the palace. Yes. Or he sent some stuff to her. Yeah.

Yeah. She deserves a reward. She came in clutch. She did all the work. She did everything. What did Peter Lynn do? He was pretty. He was pretty.

This is pretty privilege. Grandma did everything, which I love. I just I thought she was so cute. Yeah, she's lovely. I guess that's the other fix is I would want some kind of reward for Granny. Yep, definitely. But honestly, granny already sounds like she is pretty happy.

Like she is living her best life. And I think getting to do a good turn for like a cutie who stopped by and needed help probably made her day. Yeah, I bet it did. She's just like, what the hell?

I like you. Let's do it. I like you. I like the cut of your jib. I'll, I'll do you a solid. Yeah. Just the cutest.

Yeah. So adorable. Great story. Thank you for telling me that one. You're welcome. I'm glad you like it. Yeah. Of course.

A Ruth Manning Sanders written story. Just very fun. I love, I loved the King's crooked smile. Yes. And his wicked heart. I just I thought it was written so well and so much fun. I loved it. Yeah. Because

I like that they gave him kind of like a bit of a personality in the sense that he's just like like malicious but also like but false but like he'll do a lot of false smiling and he's but he's just kind of a snake yeah and i definitely imagine him with a mustache that you can twirl he has a he has a fine handlebar mustache i think that you can absolutely twirl

oh my goodness and what a ferryman he'll make and his fine velvets and silks and stuff that slowly turn to rags because he can't leave his boat i know i wonder if anybody comes to visit him backstory on the original ferryman that's also something i want yeah obviously a witch obviously the giant knows the witch yeah clearly because she also like the mouse and the toad were cursed a mouse chewing at the roots isn't gonna stop a tree from well actually i don't i don't actually know that but i can't imagine just one mouse maybe like a bunch of mice chewing at the roots of a tree would stop it from bearing fruit or growing but cursed they're all cursed mouse magic mouse magic tree that's fun yeah definitely more backstory yep and i want another backstory

between the giant and the witch yes yeah the witch we know is there she is maybe maybe it's maybe it's the lean man. Maybe that was the witch. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Just a thought. I don't know. Ooh. I like this.

That's good. That's very good. Hmm. Hmm. And he's just going around like cursing towns and doing prophecies for fuck's sake. You better give him most of your food. And not expect anything back or he will curse you. Okay, that's definitely part of it.

The lean man has got to be the witch. I love that. We really built mythology here and I like that. We did. Is Hollywood listening? I want this. I need a movie., and I like that. We did. Is Hollywood listening? I want this. I need a movie. You and I are so good at this.

I agree. We should just, everybody should come to us to hear pitches for new movies that they should make. We have so many ideas. So many ideas. Yeah. I mean, they're not completely original, but you know what I mean. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, why don but you know what I mean? Yeah. Okay.

Anyway, why don't you tell me a story? I'm going to tell you a story now. I'm reading to you from favorite folktales from around the world, edited by Jane Yelen. I'm reading to you a story from the Death and the World's End section. Ooh. And the story, the title of the story is called The Hungry Peasant, God and Death. And it's from Mexico.

The Hungry Peasant, God and Death. Okay, well, I'm going to guess that the hungry peasant dies. Okay. I want to guess that the peasant tricks death. Ooh. And maybe God. And the devil is also there somewhere. No.

Wait. Okay. I already said it. Yeah. The devil's there somewhere. Okay. I was reading devil stories earlier. I almost didn't read the giant story, but it was just so good.

I'm so glad you read that one. Like, we'll definitely have more devil stuff. I love devil episodes. Yeah, yeah. I read a fun one that I might do for next time. It was just a little bit shorter. Anyway. The Hungry Peasant, God and Death from Mexico.

Not far from the city of Zacatecas, there lived a poor peasant whose harvest was never sufficient to keep hunger away from himself, his wife, and children. Every year, his harvest grew worse, his family more numerous. Thus, as time passed, the man had less and less to eat for himself since he sacrificed a part

of his own rations on behalf of his wife and children. Yeah, he's a good guy but he's getting tired of it yeah one day totally fair 100 and you know what every parent needs a day to them fucking selves every once in a while one day tired of so much privation the peasant stole a chicken with the determination to go far away, very far to eat it. I love that.

He really, really needs a day off. All he fucking wants is a whole chicken to himself. Eat a chicken by himself. I love it. Good for him. Where no one could see him and expect him to share it. How many kids does he have?

It does not say. It just says that his family grows more and more numerous. So the kind of instant question that I have with this, just kind of from my own understanding of sort of usually how the division of labor is, is that I think this story was, this story was certainly written by a man because I think that if it had been written by anyone else, it would be the mother who was trying to get away

to have a chicken just to herself with nobody touching her for like one day. They both do it. But fathers, fathers need alone time too. With a whole chicken just for themselves. God damn it. They deserve it. I have a feeling it's not going to go well for him though.

Well, we'll see, won't we? So he took a pot and climbed up the most broken side of a nearby mountain. Upon finding a suitable spot, he made a fire, cleaned his chicken, and put it to cook with herbs. When it was ready... Oh, self-care day. Oh, he needs it. Just to

eat one fucking chicken by himself. When it was ready, he took the pot off the fire and waited impatiently for it to cool off. As he was about to eat it, he saw a man coming along one of the paths in his direction. The peasant hurriedly hid the pot in the bushes and said to himself, Curse the luck! Not even here on the mountains is one permitted to eat in peace. Poor guy.

At this moment, the stranger approached and greeted good morning friend may god grant you a good morning he answered what are you doing here friend well nothing senor just resting and your grace where are you going oh i was just passing by and stopped to see if you could give me something to eat. No, senor. Fuck off. I haven't anything. Uh-oh. That was the wrong answer, I feel like. Yeah, a little bit. I'm scared for him.

How's that when you have a fire burning? Oh, this little fire? That's just for warming myself. Don't tell me that. Haven't you a pot hidden in the bushes? Even from here, I can smell the cooked hen. Wow. Dude, take the hint.

Seriously, get a move on. Well, yes, senor, I have some chicken, but I shall not give you any. I would not give any to my own children. I just want to eat my chicken alone. I just want to eat my chicken alone. I came way up here because for once in my life, I wanted to eat my fill. I shall certainly not share my food with you. Come, friend, don't be unkind.

Give me just a little of it. No, senor, I shall not give you any. In my whole life, I have not been able to satisfy my hunger, not even for one day. He deserves that damn chicken. He does! Let the man eat his fucking chicken! Yes, you will give me some. You refuse because you don't know who I am.

True. I shall not give you anything, no matter who you are. Yes, you will, as soon as I tell you who I am. Well, then, who are you? I am God, your Lord. I'm fucking God, bitch. I'm fucking God, bitch. Give me some chicken.

That's so annoying, though. It is so annoying. that's so annoying though it is so annoying well now less than ever shall i share my food with you you are very bad to the poor you only give to those whom you like to some you give haciendas palaces trains carriages horses to others like. To others, like me, nothing. You have never even given me enough to eat. So no, I shall not give you any chicken. All right.

Strong stances. Yeah, I kind of love it, though. I love it. To the Lord! Telling God to fuck off. Fuck, yes. Telling God to fuck off. I feel like it was a bad idea though i'm very scared for this man are you afraid he might be smote yes he's definitely gonna get smote god continued arguing with him but the man would not even give him a mouthful of broth. So he went on his way.

When the peasant was about to eat his chicken, another stranger came along. This one was very thin and pale. Of course. This poor guy. Good morning, friend, he said. Haven't you anything there you can give me to eat? No, senor, nothing.

Come, don't be a bad fellow give me a little piece of that chicken you're hiding uh i just said no to god i'm not i just i just told god to fuck off about this like i'm not giving you any i think he needs to go somewhere else no senor i know like this this mountain seems to be a hot spot for the supernatural, and he should probably go. No, senor, I shall not give you any. Oh, yes, you will. You refuse me now because you don't know who I am. Who can you be?

God, our Lord himself, just left, and not even to him would I give anything less to you. But you will when you know who I am. All right, then tell me who you are. I am death. You were right. To you I shall give some chicken because Oh my gosh you i shall give some chicken because you are just you take away the fat and the thin ones old and young poor and rich you make no distinctions nor show any favoritism to you yes i shall give some of my chicken the end wow hot take hot takes so spicy

very hot take uh i love that i wasn't expecting it i honestly thought he was gonna tell death to fuck off too i know but that's partially what makes it such a... Okay, so a little context on why I personally love this story so much. It's also kind of a good time to read it for me, because I just finished watching the HBO adaptation of His Dark Materials last week, which is an adaptation of Philip Pullman's trilogy of the same name. And it's kind of all about, it's kind of like an indictment of dogmatic faith in general and the Catholic Church in particular, told through a fantasy story. And so, I don't know, I'm kind of in'm kind of in a yeah fuck off god sort of mood i love it and about yeah uh it's also got some interesting things to say about death and some interesting things to say about um i think like how knowledge and desire and love are all vital parts of the human experience as is, as is experience itself. And we're a little too concerned with the preservation of innocence when it's our experiences that define us.

And I, I really, I really enjoyed it. I really enjoyed watching it. It made me, it thrilled me. It thrilled me to my core. And so I really enjoyed the story that was about like you favorites playing son of a bitch

no you can't have no chicken oh my gosh so that's also kind of my spicy text like this this this story very much agrees with some of my own spicy takes um no fixes i don't know edits for sure that was amazing although i would like to um i don't know i i i do want him to get his chicken and to feel full for once yes i i honestly that is that's you're so right i think that might actually be a good fix for it is he and death sit down to supper, but death doesn't actually take any of his chicken. Yeah. Like they just hang like old friends. Incredible. Amazing. That was such a fun story.

I'm glad you enjoyed it. I thought it was so funny because when I was first reading it, I also thought I was like, oh shit, like you told God to fuck off. You really did too. You said no chicken for you. I was really expecting something bad to happen to him, but I'm glad that it just

seems like it's a little folk tale that seems to have come from the mouth of someone who was feeling especially peeved that day about their life circumstances. For sure. I'm sure a lot of people have felt that way. 100%. So I like it. I'm glad you enjoyed it, too.

I thought you might. Definitely different. Not anything that I was expecting. Clearly. I'm sorry, but no points for you no no points so i still feel like i won because i got to hear that great story i also think it could have been fun if the partner had showed up at some point it's like you will when you know who i am it's me your wife it's me it's your wife you think you've got it bad? Yeah.

I never stop cooking. I also go hungry. Stop getting me pregnant. So good. Oh, my gosh for a second i was worried the chicken was gonna turn into a toad jump on his face oh my god i mean that's what happened the last time we read a story about someone who wouldn't share and wouldn't share chicken specifically yeah

with his uh grandfather or no his parents he wouldn't share with his parents i don't have any not sharing with not sharing chicken with the almighty is a different sin than not sharing chicken with your mom very different he's just tired and wants to use fucking chicken alone and peas on the mountainside where he can finally fill up that's such a great story yeah i love it because it just says something about parenthood i think uh-huh I think all the parents are going to find that story very relatable soups relatable I'm glad I can't relate I get all the chicken all the time whenever I go to the grocery store I get to eat all of it. I guess Steven gets some.

We don't have children. Very, very luckily. And, you know, we are not starving peasants, too. Yes. Yes. That is a truth fact. Very glad. Well, on that note, I think we're going to wrap it up for the day

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especially over the Octoberober to december season but i promise i will get around to answering your emails at some point so do please keep sending them um yes please we love hearing from you email us your favorite fairy tales folklore and nursery rhymes anything that comes to mind at info at fairytalefixpod.com. And the false king with his wicked heart and crooked smiles did a very twirling mustache monologue explaining his evil plot. And that's how Peter Lynn discovered his, you know, biological parents. And everyone was rewarded. And he visited the giant grandma from time to time. And she became like a grandma to him and his family. And they got a palace.

And the king is still on the ferry to this very day. Oh, I love it. I love everything about that. And the peasant man finally got to eat his goddamn chicken in peace because death, after being flattered so about everything that death does for us, decided to just sit there in silence with him and keep him company and let him keep the entire goddamn bird to himself, and he finally felt full.

him keep the entire goddamn bird to himself and he finally felt full and so they lived happily ever after the end