Fairy Tale Fix - 60: Right Place, Right Time, Every Time

Episode Date: March 14, 2023

It’s March and that means Irish fairy tales ALL MONTH LONG! Kelsey kicks us off with Ethna The Bride, a tale about a man who will hire other people to do ANYTHING for love while he watches. Then Abbie reads The Brewery of Eggshells, which is somehow creepy AND light-hearted at the same time.

Oh, what are you reading today? I am. Why did you scream? Because I surprised myself. And when I'm surprised, I scream. Hello. Hello. Welcome to Fairyytale Fix. Kelsey was going to say something. I was just going to say hello back. Kelsey, I'm doing our intro.

Sorry. My bad. Hi. Welcome to Fairytale Fix. I'm Abby. I'm Kelsey. And this is the podcast where we read each other modern fairy, well, no, we did not modern fairy tales, sometimes modern fairy tales, where we read each other classic fairy tales and fix them for a modern audience. That's right. I'm feeling real spacey today.'m not gonna i love it this is very fun i am a little hungover oh no what were you up to last night just you know making terrible decisions and still pretending like my body is 25 which it is not so someday i'll learn i hope god i hope or you won't uh just way too much wine

how it is yes um yeah i had a great time though and i'm feeling much better this afternoon uh than i was feeling this morning but, just a little spacey and... But so, oh, so ready for some Irish fairy nonsense. Oh, me too. I was like, this is one of my favorite times of year. Not month-wise. We have all heard me. I will not repeat what I have said at length

at other times in Kelsey and Abby's weather corner. So not the month, not the literal time of year, but I do love that on this show, March is for Irish fairy tales only. Yep. You know it. Yeah. It's glorious. It makes March bearable. I now have something to look forward to.

Good. I'm glad. I'm glad March has one redeeming quality for you. Yes. And now, well, and I, as I've been reminded repeatedly, I have, I now like, I think Heidi's birthday is in March. Happy birthday, Heidi. in March. Happy birthday, Heidi. Happy birthday, Heidi. You are the only good thing aside from us doing Irish fairy tales

to have come out of March. Congratulations, you beautiful soul. Good call being born. Good call being born in March. Yeah, it's my dad's birthday in March too. Okay, Heidi and Randy.

Yeah, I don't know. I love i love i like march it's nice weather where i am so it's just windy yeah yeah but it's sunny and warm and maybe just a little windy which is fine because a little bluster is good for irish fairy tales you kind of want it to be a little blustery and a little damp so you can really imagine fairies doing what they do coming out of the mist i mean it looks like that are really sunny and that's when all the flowers start blooming and it looks very um like a fairy land you're to trip into a fairy ring at any second. I know I probably will. That's how I die. Dumb ways to die. I don't know if you've seen that I have. But that's what I keep thinking of. If I were willing to risk my life and put myself in a fairy ring, I would probably make that video on TikTok. Dumb ways to die.

Oh, by the way, definitely go check out our Instagram. We are doing a giveaway this month. We are? Yes. Did I already tell you about my giveaway idea? Yes, you did. I am now remembering the giveaway idea.

Yeah, I'm going to post it on Instagram right before this episode comes out. So it'll probably be like just a couple posts ago. And yeah,

we're going to give away a tiny Irish fairy and folktale book and other cool stuff that I have actually yet to figure out because we're recording this. You know. Early February. A month in advance. So I haven't figured all that out yet,

but definitely go to our Instagram, check it out. We're going to do a fun Irish fairy nonsense giveaway because I think that's fun. Heck yeah, absolutely. Show me the book. So here it is. It's tiny. It's like the travel companion. That is so precious. I'm going to get rid of these stickers though. Yeah, it looks almost just like the big Irish fairy and folktales Bible, but it's pocket sized. Does it still cram most of the stories into it or is it a selection? No, it's just a selection. Okay, that would make sense. Definitely not all of them.

It's not one of those things where you have a pocket Bible and it's just that they've smushed everything into the teeniest, tiniest possible letters. No, there are only a few selected stories, which include one that we have read, The Pooka, as well as I think we read The Fairies. Yes, we definitely read The Fairies. There's The Changeling. There's Pat Diver's Ordeal. The Witch of Rathdowny. So lots of good stories in here. The Leprechaun or fairy shoemaker

so definitely yeah go check it out it's gonna be a good one oh my gosh isn't it cute it's just so tiny that is super cute I love it

that is adorable some some lucky person is gonna love that so much yeah I don't know what the rules are yet but they'll be on our Instagram page.

It will be figured out. It's just so cute. So small. And it has pretty gold edge pages. Yeah. Same as the big book. Yeah. Stunning.

Stunning. I always wonder if we're going to pick the same story. Oh, I don't think we did. Oh, yeah? Why do you think that because i'm not i am actually not reading out of the big book of irish and fairy folktales um there are some irish uh there are some irish fairy tales and the uh favorite folktales from around the world oh fuck yeah there are um so i found i found one that i thought was a good time i love it i can't wait i get to go first today though um but before we get into it are you having a super bowl party is that why sort of sort of we're we're thinking we're like we might have a super bowl party we might not

depending on like how people feel when they get here i once again i have invited people to my home with no plan um so like people will show up at six and then i will ask them would you like to watch the super bowl and then if they say no we will watch something else like it was it was originally going to be a movie night uh-huh um and then uh then it got like it was going to be a movie night last week and then it got rescheduled to this sunday but steven and i forgot that it was super bowl sunday and we don't really watch a lot of football most of the time but super but the super bowl is one of the uh amer it's an american holiday damn it oh yeah um so it's the one it's the one football game a year that i watch and so we we we forgot that it

was super bowl sunday so the people that are coming over were coming over for a movie night and anyway now we're going to ask them like which do you mind watching the super bowl instead but they might because none of them are sports people oh yeah do you know who's doing the halftime show rihanna oh nice i didn't know that i don't know that i don't know that is the only thing i will be tuning in for i i don't know the niners really lost it and And now I don't care. I didn't watch the Super Bowl. I'm feeling salty. I don't really give a fuck about anybody else. Uh-huh. That's fair. It's also like it's the it's I think it's the it's the Eagles and the Chiefs playing today. And I feel like they've been going to this, this is, I know that there are many other problems with the NFL.

I'm fully aware that football in and of itself as a sport is highly contentious and problematic at the moment. Like, and always has been. The thing that really, but here's the, here's the big problem as far as I'm concerned. We just have, there are like five good teams and everyone else is really shitty. And so the same five teams go to the Superbowl every year. Uh-huh. Maybe now that Tom Brady is finally actually, actually retired after losing his wife and children.

Hilarious. I didn't know that happened. I don't pay attention to Tom Brady. This is now a football podcast. Okay. Now this is a football podcast this is a football podcast we don't even have to include that I just wanted to know

we didn't have any other opening patters so I'm just it's true I did have I was going to tell you this story on the podcast and I keep forgetting about it I had already texted you but I was going to such a good segue what else I was going to... Such a good segue. What else are we going to talk about? What else is there but Tom Brady to talk about on our fairy tale?

Oh my gosh, we're so good at this. But I had a very fairy tale rule moment in my real life. So I had a very old woman who was most likely homeless, come up to me and asked me to buy her a mocha from the Starbucks I was passing. And I was walking. At first, I told her, I was like, no, I don't have time. And then I stopped and I really thought about it. And I was like, you always help like old women, you always help them no matter what, or they're going to, or you're going to get cursed. Or you're going to get cursed. Yeah, absolutely. Especially if it's like, if it's a small, easily accomplishable request, you know? Yep. So you know what I did? I stopped and I turned around and I said, you know what, actually I'd love to buy you a mocha. And I did. And said you know what actually i would love to buy you a mocha and i did and fuck yeah so i'm hoping i was very fanny about it um i was pretty like brisk it was brisk i wasn't like super excited

about getting her mocha because i was like walking somewhere and i did have somewhere to be but um but you know what those are the fairy tale rules sometimes you have to you have to help somebody out get a mocha it wasn't a you know insane request or anything no and i'm hoping it won't be cursed because of that i think i texted you right after it happened because you did oh my gosh i almost didn't follow the fairy tale rules like and bad things might have happened to you had you not that's what i was thinking i was really worried about myself i feel like if if any if any person who seems like old or super poor asks you asks you for any small favor. Yeah. Just fucking do it. Yeah.

You know, number one, because like, that's a very, it's a very kind thing to do in general. And it's good. And it's good to be kind. But also because they might be a fairy in disguise and you don't want to get cursed. Yeah. I had a very similar experience a few months ago that I did not text you about that because i forgot almost as soon as it happened but like i also was i was i was waylaid uh by someone outside of a 7-eleven a couple of months ago who they were like can i can i trouble you for a sandwich and a pack of

cigarettes i was like you know what yes you may trouble me for these for these things sure i i would if fine yes i will buy you a sandwich and a pack of cigarettes because like it's it's cold yeah whatever you know whatever whatever's gonna make you happy it feels better too when it's not just like somebody asking you for money. I mean, not that I obviously like I give money, but I usually prefer going through channels that I know the money, like where the money's going, you know? Yeah, yeah, of course.

Like donating to homeless shelters and things like that. Rather than like giving somebody like a dollar on the street. Plus I just never have any cash on me. I just don't carry cash anymore. Right. Because like he did originally ask me for change and i was like i don't i don't have any like i don't i don't carry any of that stuff like he was like how about a sandwich and i was like i can do a sandwich and get you a fucking sandwich cigarettes are bad for you though you shouldn't smoke yeah but i'm not in a i don't know what like you weren't in a mood to argue i'm not well so like i'm not gonna argue with you about your own health choices

like fine you can have a you can have a fucking pack of cigarettes i don't care like i'm not sleeping on the street tonight, so you can have whatever you want. I'm going to go home to my nice warm house where I can make my own health decisions and where I'm not like exposed to the elements or to the kindness of strangers. And you can have whatever the fuck you want if it's going to make you feel better. That's my opinion, I guess, when it comes to these things. Oh, yeah. I just, you know. I'm not going to argue with someone about cigarettes. Yeah, and most people know by now that they're not good for you.

Yeah, exactly. It would be such a condescending thing to tell this grown-ass man, did you know that instagrams are banned for you you know what you're allowed to have an opinion when it's your money though i'm just saying cigarettes are expensive too yeah i was feeling generous i can tell i love it i love that for you i love that for him and for all of us. I was feeling charitable. And I was not going to stand in the way.

I was not going to stand in between this man and his nicotine. Probably smart. He might have been a fairy. Exactly. Testing you. What, am I going to tell this fairy in disguise? Like, no, I'm not going to give you a pack of smokes. No smokes for you. I mean, you can, but then you might end up with like a tail growing out of your forehead.

Nope, not into it. Or barfing up snakes and toads. Why risk it? Yes. Yes. I love that story. Your story. Yeah. I don't know. It happened a while ago, but I wanted to. Your story. Yeah.

I don't know. It happened a while ago, but I wanted to mention it in the podcast. Because it was just one of those moments where I was like, fairytale rules. I need to follow the fairytale rules. Just always be kind and be helpful. Yeah. And it's okay. You can say no

if it really is going to be an inconvenience to you. And don't do anything dangerous. And don't do anything huge. But if an old person asks you for something small, fairytale rules can be applied to real life.

I think so. That's really sweet. Are you ready to get into some fairy nonsense i am please please let's do it okay um so i am reading from a treasury of irish fairy and folk tales it is a wonderful book and i am reading ethna the bride from lady wild and it is in the very beginning uh portion of the book under the trooping fairies okay the bride asked another bride am i getting am i getting three predictions is this a longer a story? Yeah, it's medium. Okay. So you get three predictions. Three. Okay. My first prediction is that someone is going to try to steal the bride. Steal the bride. Love it. Classic. It's a classic. And honestly, I love it. It's one of my favorite fairy tale tropes.

These fairies trying to marry all of the beautiful young women of Ireland. Yeah, they are. By trickery. And kidnapping. And kidnapping. I want a magic horse. Love a good magic horse. And my third prediction, there's going to be fairy wine involved.

Fairy wine! Okay. All good predictions. Oh my God. I'm so excited. Tell me the story. I love magic horses, especially when they're made of straw. Wouldn't you like to know? What you drinking by the way what is that a ginger beer my favorite

bundaberg it's a diet ginger beer so i feel less bad because there's not so much sugar in it because there is so much sugar. Okay, I got it. Ethna the Bride. The fairies, as we know, are greatly attracted. As we know. As we know. As we know.

As we know. Are greatly attracted by the beauty of mortal women. Oh. the beauty of mortal women. And Finvara, the king, employs his numerous brides to find out and carry off when possible the prettiest girls and brides in the country. Fuck yes. Oh my God. I love it already.

These are spirited away by enchantment to his fairy palace at Nokma in Tuam, which I'm sorry if I'm saying that incorrectly. I think it's Tuam, Where they remain under a fairy spell, forgetting all about the earthly life and soothed to passive enjoyment as in a sweet dream by the soft low melody of the fairy music, which has the power to lull the hearer

into a trance of ecstasy. Okay, honestly, that does not sound that bad. It doesn't yet. There's more story i promise there was once a great lord in that part of the country who had a beautiful wife called ethna the loveliest bride in all the land and her husband was so proud of her that day after day he had festivals in her honor oh my god and from morning till night his castle was filled with lords and ladies and nothing but music and dancing and feasting and hunting and pleasure was thought of one evening while the feast was merriest i really like this guy's style by the way

one evening while the feast was merriest and ethna floated through the dance in her robe of silver gossamer clasped with jewels more bright and beautiful than the stars in heaven she suddenly let go of the hand of her partner and sank to the floor in a faint okay they carried her to a room where she lay long quite insensible but towards the morning she woke up and declared that she had passed the night in a beautiful palace and was so happy that she longed to sleep again and go there in her dreams. Hmm. I mean, how beautiful can it be when you already have like a loving husband who throws feasts in your honor? Yeah.

Every single day. Every day. It's a nonstop party for you. This place was just magical, I guess. Okay. And they watched her all day. But when the shades of evening fell dark on the castle, low music was heard at her window, and Ethna again fell into a deep trance from which nothing would rouse her. Then her old nurse was set to watch her, but the woman grew weary in the silence and fell asleep

and never awoke until the sun had risen. And when she looked towards the bed, she saw to her horror that the young bride had disappeared. The whole household was roused up all at once and a search made everywhere. But no trace of her could... She's physically gone. Yep. She just disappeared completely.

Spooky. Spooky. The whole household was roused up at once and search made everywhere but no trace of her could be found in all the castle nor in the gardens nor in the park her husband sent messengers in every direction but to no purpose no one had seen her no sign of her could be found living or dead oh my god then the young lord mounted his swiftest steed and galloped right off to Nakma to question Vinvara, the fairy king, if he could give any tidings of the bride or direct him where to search for her, for he and Vinvara were friends, and many a good keg of Spanish wine

had been left outside the window of the castle at night for the fairies to carry away. Okay, so this king knows his fairy tale rules. He knows, like like to make nice with his neighbors and good things will happen well yeah he definitely knows the fairy tale rules but he definitely thinks they're better friends than they are yeah yeah i mean you should never assume that you're friends with the fairies like you have kept them away from you. That's it. But he little dreamed now that Finvara himself was the traitor, but he galloped on like mad

till he reached Nakma, the hill of the fairies. And as he stopped to rest his horse by the fairy wrath, he heard voices in the air right above him. And one said, Right glad is Finvara now,

for he has the beautiful bride in his palace at last, and never more will she see her husband's face. Yet, answered another, Oh my gosh. That is yet to be seen, exclaimed the young lord. Neither fairy nor devil nor Finvara himself shall stand between me and my fair young wife. Oh my gosh. Yeah. That's very convenient that they just happened to be telling him exactly the solution. I feel like that happens a lot in these fairy tales where somebody's just talking. Someone's just loudly going, it's a good thing that the young lord doesn't know that he could go this way and he'll find his bride. Uh-huh.

Right place, right time. Every time. Good luck. And on the instant, he sent word by his servants to gather together all the workmen and laborers from the country round with their spades and pickaxes to dig through the hill till they came to the fairy palace and the workmen came a great crowd of them and they dug through the hill all day till a great deep trench was made down to the very center then at sunset they left off for the night but the next morning when they assembled again to continue their work behold all the clay was put back again into the trench yup and the hill looked as if never a spade had touched it. Uh-huh.

Or so Finvara had ordered. And he was powerful over earth and air and sea. Ooh. Oh, my gosh. This is, like, this is so fun. I love this. I mean, magic man. Mm-hmm.

And he's just, like, earthbending everything back together. Mm-hmm. But the young lord had a brave heart, and he made the men go on with the work. And the trench was dug again wide and deep into the center of the hill. And this went on for three days, but always with the same result for the clay was put back again each night and the hill looked the same as before. And they were nowhere nearer to the fairy palace. I do also love about these stories. They say like he had a brave heart

so he made other people keep digging the trench this brave noble young man made all of these other less noble common men get their get their shovels going he's so brave does it say like is he shoveling with him with them do you think you know i would think so like i think he's really wanting to get his bride back and he's probably in there but you know you never know i would like to think so too that he's actually in there also putting his back into it yeah we'll never know then the young lord was ready to die for rage and grief but suddenly he heard a voice near him like a whisper in the air and the words it said were these helpful little fairies sprinkle the earth you have dug up with salt and your work will be safe.

Oh, yes. On this new life came into his heart and he sent word throughout all the country to gather salt from the people. And the clay was sprinkled with it that night when the men had left off their work at the hill. The next morning, they all rose up in great anxiety to see what had happened. And there to their great joy was the trench trench all safe just as they had left it. Yeah. And all the earth around it was untouched. So that's so cool.

I wonder, like, I wonder if there is any culture on the planet where salt is not anti-magic. Cause I feel like that comes up in, in almost every single folk magic tradition. Yeah. That's a really good point. Is that like if you want no magic or if you want to protect yourself from other magic users or like the devil or whatever, like salt is your go-to. It's your first stop. It transcends cultures.

That's really interesting. I've never thought about that. It just comes up all the time. Yeah, I love that. Me too. ruse that's really interesting i've never thought about that but it just comes up all the time yeah i love that me too then the young lord knew he had power over finvara and he bade the men work on with a good heart for they soon would reach the fairy palace now in the center of the hill so by the next day a great glen was cut right through the deep down to the middle of the earth and they could hear the fairy music for if they put their ear close to the ground and voices were heard around them in the air

the center of the earth that's deep that is a deep hole center of the earth down to the middle of the earth that That fairy palace is very far down. That's very far down. That's by the core. And I don't know. I'm starting to feel like he's not helping them from the way this is written.

It doesn't sound like it, does it? He made the men work on with a merry heart. Yeah. He's got a merry heart and all those men are like, this fucky sucks. Yeah, he's got a merry heart and all those men are like, this fucky sucks. Oh, shit. He's tossing my head back and laughing too hard.

My headphones fell off. See now, said one, Finvara is sad, for if one of those mortal men strike a blow on the fairy palace with their spades, it will crumble to dust and fade away like the mist. Then let Finvara give up his bride, said another, and we shall be safe. Sensible. Very sensible.

I like that just one hit of a blade, the whole palace turns to dust. Yeah. I also actually really like that in terms of like sort of magical magical thinking um about like something of like the human world has touched this like deep this deep secret that like no mortal has like breached uh-huh i i think that's really that's fun imagery i enjoy that and everybody's like not not about it and and like I love that they're just kind of like yeah I mean you know if he had any sense he'd give up he'd give up his bride and it's not his bride it's our young lord's bride

oh his stolen bride that's true so everybody wants him to give up the bride on which the voice of finvara himself was heard clear like the note of a silver bugle through the hill stop your work he said oh men of earth lay down your spades and at sunset the bride shall be given back to her husband i finvara have spoken oh you gotta love a guy that says I have spoken. Right. Then the young Lord bade them to stop the work and lay down their spades till the sun went down. And at sunset, he mounted his great chestnut steed and rode to the head of the Glen and watched and waited. And just as the red light flushed all the sky, he saw his wife coming along in the path in her robe of silver gossamer more beautiful than

ever he sprang from the saddle and lifted her up before him and rode away like a storm wind back to the castle and there they lay ethna on her bed but she closed her eyes and spoke it says spake, spake no word. And spake. Spake no word. She didn't say anything. Nothing to say. Jesus. Well, day after day passed, and she still never spake or smiled, but seemed like one in a trance. So she's like in a coma, basically. Yeah. A great sorrow fell upon everyone, for they feared she had eaten of the fairy food and that the enchantment would never be broken.

So her husband was very miserable. But one evening, as he was riding home late, he heard voices in the air. These voices. They're just helping him out. These trifling fairies. Absolute traitors. They're the ones that aren't fans of their fairy king, I think. Uh-huh.

Yeah, absolutely. Like, he's just out there getting us into trouble and jeopardizing our entire home because of a pretty face. So one of the fairies says, It is now a year and a day since the young lord brought home his beautiful wife from Vinvara. But what good is she to him? She is speechless and like one dead, for her spirit is with the fairies, though her form is there beside him. Then another voice answered,

And so she will remain, unless the spell is broken. He must unloose the girdle from her waist that is fastened with an enchanted pin and burn the girdle with fire and throw the ashes before the door and bury the enchanted pin in the earth. Are you taking notes? Then will her spirit come back from fairyland and she will speak once more and have a true life. I have a fucking question. Were you taking notes on how to break the spell step by step? Oh my God. Very lengthy. A lengthy thing. Here is my question though. And I feel like so they said it has been a year, right? It's been a year. Since he has brought his wife home.

A year and a day. Have they not changed her clothes? Isn't a girdle like a fucking belt? You know what's a really good point? Have they not changed her clothes at all? Hang on, I'm Googling what a girdle is it's just like a belt it's a belt or cord worn around the waist yeah they haven't changed she's just been wearing that same dress for a whole year they would take the girdle off oh that didn't even cross my mind that's really funny

well you have to specifically burn it with fire and throw the ashes before the door yeah yeah i mean i i felt better after i heard more of it so like it wasn't just a matter of taking her girdle off but like so maybe they have maybe they just put it like right back on. Okay. Like they take her clothes off, wash them and then put her in the same outfit. Every day. Every day. Oh my gosh. That's such, I also, sorry. I also love the image of these fairies of like, they've just been chilling out and like watching for a year going like,

maybe he'll figure it out on his own this time. And then eventually they're like, he's not, he's not doing it. it we're gonna have to stage another loud conversation where we give him explicit instructions yep i love that i love that for him little like friendly fairies just helping him out just Just helping him out. And like it was occasional hints before and now it's like, oh, my God. Okay. Like, so what he has to do is. Maybe you should write this down. Gosh, I hope he isn't lurking in the corridor with a notepad. Gosh, I hope he isn't lurking in the corridor with a notepad.

Well, hearing this, the young lord at once set spurs to his horse, and on reaching the castle, hastened to the room where Ethna lay on her couch, silent and beautiful like a waxen figure. Aw. Then, being determined to test the truth of the spirit voices, he untied the girdle and after much difficulty extracted the enchanted pin from the folds. But still Ethna made no word. Then he took the girdle and burned it with fire and stewed the ashes before the door.

And he buried the enchanted pin in a deep hole in the earth under a fairy thorn that no hand might disturb the spot. Ooh, what's a fairy thorn? thorn that no hand might disturb the spot. Ooh, what's a fairy thorn? I'm just assuming like some nettle plants. Okay, cool.

Like maybe under a rose bush or something. So like he's like planting, he's planting something over it? I think it was there and he just buried it underneath it. Ah, okay. Just somewhere where nobody's going to stick their hand. After which he returned to his young wife who smiled as she looked at him and held forth her hand. Great was his joy to see the soul coming back to the beautiful form. And he raised her up and kissed her. And speech and memory came back to her at that moment and all her former life, just as if it had never been broken or interrupted.

But the year that her spirit had passed in the fairyland seemed to her but a dream of the night from which she had just awoke. After this, Finvara made no further efforts to carry her off, but the deep cut in the hill remains to this day, and it is called the Fairy's Glen, so no one can doubt the truth of the story as here narrated.

Ooh. The end. That's so cool. I love a story that's there to explain, to explain like a landmark. Yes. Yeah, that's so many of the Irish ones. Mm-hmm.

That's so fun. Yeah. Oh, well done. And you got through it. I'm really proud of you. Thanks. Yeah, I was struggling with that. Woof.

Anyway. What a great story, though. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. I thought I was struggling with that. Anyway. What a great story though. Yeah. Oh my gosh. I thought it was a really sweet and just kind of like, Oh, nice, like romantic. I had just tricky fairies. Yeah. Tricky fairies. Like, but also like, it just followed a lot of the classic tropes, but it all, it also was, it had an, it had a happy ending a happy ending yeah i like which is just really lovely yeah me too i don't have like really any specific fixes like i really want to fix the

voices i just think that's a little bit like a little silly how it's just oh he just happens to hear these voices tell him exactly what to do uh-huh um so maybe just a little more explanation on that that would be nice yeah although i do little sidekick fairies uh-huh yeah yeah like more explicit fairy characters yeah i think that would have been fun if they were physically there, you know? And also mentioning that those fairies hated Vinvara, their fairy king. Yeah, I mean, because I do love the idea that it was them deliberately trying to drop hints for him without actually betraying their king. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. betraying their their king yeah exactly yeah so yeah no a little a little maybe i want maybe one or two more lines on like their motivation yeah that would have been so good or what if they weren't like um you know finvara subjects but they're from like another fairy kingdom yes and they're here to sabotage you know what i think that might be my fix then I think it's I wish the story had been told from the fairies perspective of these two fairies that are

watching the young lord and the not like told from the perspective of the young lord I like it and also that the young lord actually helped trying to get yes excellent fix just add that in there like you know he was the first one there working harder than anybody because yeah getting

his pretty hands all calloused up from sticking a shovel in the ground yeah um that would be great instead if he's sitting on his horse the entire time while everyone else works, then he rides his horse to the castle and is just like, I did so much work. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted from watching all of those other guys toil. With a merry

heart. With a merry heart. Son of a bitch. And also a little bit more um from ethna oh yeah would also be fun just you know as always more to the story i want more story to the story and including and yes certainly including more of like the woman's voice. Yeah. Would be nice. I want to hear how was that year for her. I want to know what happened. Well, it says that she just like wakes up like it was just a dream.

Like she had been asleep for like one night. I just want details on the dream. You know? Was it more nonstop partying, but just with a different group of people probably either way ethna's got it made yeah ethna's doing fine it's it's honestly i don't really feel the need to fix anything about her story outside of hearing a little more from her maybe like she's doing great and i get a point. Yeah, you do.

Ride stealing. There was fairy food, but it's sad that Fenvara and the young lord had drank a lot of Spanish wine. Yeah, but that's not the same. Yeah, that's not fairy wine. And they never confirmed that she actually ate any of the fairy food. Yeah. That was just what people were afraid of. All right.

Bride stealing. I love it. Always good. Always a fun time. We love bride stealing. Love bride stealing around here. Oh, my goodness. Okay. Are you ready to hear my story?

Oh, I'm so ready. Please tell me some Irish fairy nonsense. Okay. So this is from favorite folk tales from around the world. This story is from the very young and the very old section. And it's called the brewery of eggshells. Ooh. Well, please give me three predictions.

The brewery of eggshells. Okay. I'm going to predict someone's having too much fun. Okay. Always a solid one. I'm going to predict... Do I want to predict that there are fairies or another creature? No, I'm going to predict fairies.

It's fairies. Love it. And my third prediction is that oh i want to predict a talking cat but i don't think that's gonna happen i want more talking cats you know what i don't care i'm predicting that talking cat fucking love it it'll happen if you just keep predicting it it will happen eventually that's what i'm hoping that's what i'm banking on okay the brewery of eggshells mrs sullivan fancied that her youngest child had been exchanged by fairy theft and certainly appearances warranted such a conclusion for in one night, her healthy blue eyed boy had become shriveled up into almost nothing and

never ceased squalling and crying. Ooh, changelings, changeling. This naturally made poor Mrs. Sullivan very unhappy and all the neighbors by way of comforting her said that her own child was beyond any kind of doubt with the good people and that one of themselves was put in his place uh-oh not good i hate it so creepy so creepy but point for fairies. Woohoo! Mrs. Sullivan, of course, could not disbelieve what everyone told her,

but she did not wish to hurt the thing, for although its face was so withered and its body wasted away to a mere skeleton, it still had a strong resemblance to her own boy. Aww. I know. She's sweet. That's really sweet. She is sweet.

Like, she's very caring. She's sweet. That's really sweet. She is sweet. Like, she's very caring. Mm-hmm. Like, she's pretty sure this is not her child, but, like, she's not going to hurt it. Yeah. Changelings are such a creepy concept, but I do love them. So creepy. She therefore could not find it in her heart. Hang on.

She therefore could not find it in her heart to roast it alive on the griddle. Or. Well, wow. I guess that would be wrong. Or to burn its nose off with the red hot tongs. Yeah. Oh. Or to throw it out in with the red hot tongs. Yeah. Oh. Or to throw it out in the snow on the roadside.

I mean, those are all options. Yep. It even says in the book, notwithstanding these and several like proceedings were strongly recommended to her for the recovery of her child. proceedings were strongly recommended to her for the recovery of her child. But she's like, no, that's needlessly cruel and I'm not going to do it. Oh, good for her. Yeah. We like Mrs. Sullivan. We, we, we stand. One day who should Mrs. Sullivan meet, but a cunning woman,

well-known about the country by the name of Ellen Leah or gray Ellen. She had the gift. However, she got it of telling where the dead were and what was good for the rest of their souls and could charm away warts and wens and do a great many wonderful things of the same nature. I love her. And I love the nickname gray Ellen gray Ellen. Yeah.

I love it. I wish I could have a reputation that gets me a nickname like that someday. Absolutely. Well, all you have to do is become a witch. Yeah. Just become the village hedge witch and you will probably get a cool nickname. Yeah. The Great Kelsey.

We'll have to think of a different name than Kelsey. Yeah. Kelsey's so, you know. It's not witchy. Normal. Yeah. You're in grief this morning, Mrs. Sullivan, were the first words of Ellen Lea to her. You may say that, Ellen, said Mrs. Sullivan, and good cause I have to

be in grief, for there was my own fine child whipped off from me out of his cradle without so much as a buy your leave or ask your pardon and an ugly, donny bit of shriveled up fairy put in his place. She's just being so nonchalant about it, too.

Without so much as a buy your leave, these fairies stole my child. No wonder then that you see me in grief, Ellen. Small blame to you, Mrs. Sullivan, said Ellen Leah. But are you sure

tis a fairy? Sure, echoed Mrs. Sullivan. Sure enough I am to my sorrow and can I doubt my own two eyes every mother's soul must feel for me will you oh oh ellen leah is really old i must have missed that on my first read-through

will you take an old woman's advice said ellen le, fixing her wild and mysterious gaze upon the unhappy mother. And after a pause, she added, but maybe you'll call it foolish. Can you get me back my child, my own child, Ellen, said Mrs. Sullivan with great energy. If you do as I bid you, returned Ellen Leah, you'll know. This is something else you will need to take extensive notes for. Amazing. This is a long recipe for this particular

spell. Put down the big pot full of water on the fire and make it boil like mad. Then get a dozen new laid eggs, break them and keep the shells, but throw away the rest. When that is done, put the shells but throw away the rest when that is done put the shells in the pot of boiling water and you will soon know whether it is your own boy or a fairy

if you find that it is a fairy in the cradle take the red hot poker and cram it down his ugly throat oh no mrs sullivan didn't want to. No, otherwise she would have burned his nose off with hot tongs already. Yeah, she's like, I already know it's a, well, she already knows it's a fairy creature. I'm pretty sure, yeah. I totally forgot this was called the Brewery of Eggshells, by the way. Now we know why. So, yes, take the red hot poker, cram it down its ugly throat,

and you will not have much trouble with him after that. I promise you. Home went Mrs. Sullivan and did as Ellen Leah desired. She put the pot on the fire and plenty of turf under it and set the water boiling at such a rate that if ever water were red hot, it surely was. The child was

lying for a wonder quite easy and quiet in the cradle, every now and then cocking his eye that would twinkle as keen as a star in a frosty night over at the great fire and the big pot upon it. And he looked on with great attention at Mrs. Sullivan breaking the eggs

and putting down the eggshells to boil. At last... Oh, God, this is so fucking creepy. At last he asked with the voice of a very old man. Yeah. What are you doing, mammy? What are you doing, mom? What are you doing, mom?

I imagine he's telling mom really like hey mom what are you doing mammy what you doing what you do mrs sullivan's heart as she said herself was up in her mouth ready to choke her at hearing the child speak because this is like a babe in the cradle, you know? Yeah. Like, fully formed sentences in an old, like, it's a fucking fairy, Alec. I know. I don't understand why she needs to do this.

No. Like, spell. She already knows. It's pretty obvious. Demon. But, okay. Okay. I guess she wants to just be sure, I guess.

Yeah. And also like, you know, things have to be done a certain way in order to fully banish something, I think. Like sticking a poker straight down his throat. Straight down its ugly little throat. She's so violent. Uh-huh. So Mrs. Sullivan's heart was up in in her mouth ready to choke her at hearing the child speak but she contrived to put the poker in the fire she just wants to be ready and to answer

without making any wonder at the words i'm brewing my son and what are you brewing mommy said the little imp whose supernatural gift of speech now proved beyond question that he was a fairy substitute. Dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun. I wish the poker was red already, thought Mrs. Sullivan, but it was a large one and it took a long time heating, so she determined to keep him in talk until the poker was in a proper state to thrust down his throat and therefore repeated the question. Is it what I'm brewing, my son, that you want to know? Yes, mommy, what are you brewing? returned the fairy. Eggshells, my son, said Mrs. Sullivan.

Oh, shrieked the imp, starting up in the cradle and clapping his hands together. I'm 1500 years in the world and I never saw a brewery of eggshells before. He's all excited. Yeah, he's stoked. He's like, no. That sounds fun. That's so new. I'm down.

I'll have a brew. Yeah. The poker was by this time quite red and Mrs. Sullivan, seizing it, ran furiously toward the cradle, but somehow or other her foot slipped and she fell flat on the floor and the poker flew out of her hand to the other end of the house. I thought she was going to fall on the poker. I was really scared for her. I know, I know. That's what I thought too. But no, something else happens. No, like that's what I thought too. But no, something else happens. However, she got up without much loss of time and went to the cradle intending to pitch the wicked thing that was in it into the pot of boiling water. When there she saw her own child in a sweet sleep.

One of his soft round arms rested upon the pillow. His features were as placid as if their repose had never been disturbed, save the rosy mouth, which moved with a gentle and regular breathing. The end. Aw. Aw, yay. That one had a happy ending too. I think so too. So wait, does that mean that the fairy creature was just gone? Yeah. He just left. I think that like he saw something that delighted him. And so he took that in fair payment for whatever else he was planning and, uh, and brought the child back.

Cause she didn't manage to get there with the poker. Like she didn't kill him. Yep. Or dump them in the ball, in the boiling water. I think, I think that he was just kind of like, Oh,

that's fun. Okay. You can have your kid back. I love it. I love it. No fixes. I don't know. I was kind of hoping that he would stay and she would have like

you know her fairy creature her old man fairy creature and her baby and they'd be a happy little family they'd be a happy weird little family I do like that too of like she finds her son in the cradle but like he and like the changeling

baby are like cuddling. Oh, that'd be cute. Uh-huh. Only a little weird. Kind of creepy. Still kind of creepy. What did he say? 1,200 years?

1,500. 1,500. Nice. Yeah. And all that years. Like, ooh, I never saw a brewery of eggshells before. That's so cool. I thought he knew for sure that he was about to get poked in the throat.

Nope. I think he was just so, like, he was just so overcome by curiosity that he was, he just started asking her questions. I love it. That's so good. Which, yeah, super fun. Thank you for telling me that lovely story. I love it. It's so good. Yeah. Super fun. Thank you for telling me that lovely story. I only got one point.

Because definitely nobody was having too much fun. Maybe the fairy creature. It wasn't too much. It's having exactly the right amount of fun. Right. And sadly, no talking cat. But that's okay. Yep. No talking cat but that's okay yep no talking cat no um yeah like it wasn't it wasn't like a drunken situation

yeah yeah that's kind of what i was thinking it's a damn shame but uh well that's gonna do it for us for our first uh set of irish fairy tales for this month thank you for listening to fairy tale fix if you enjoyed the show please subscribe and leave us a review on apple or you can give us a star rating on spotify if you love the show and want to support us you can get extra episodes merch books and other bonus content at our Patreon by signing up at fairytalefix.cash. And you can find us on Twitter and Instagram and TikTok and all the socials at fairytalefixpod. And please email us your favorite fairy tales, folklore, nursery rhymes, and other such things at info at fairytalefixpod.com. And the two little fairy spirits had a much

bigger story and we got to know why they hated Fairy King Finvara so much. And instead of just disappearing completely, the normal human boy was brought back and also the fairy imp decided to hang around forever because they just kept doing so many interesting things and he was their little house fairy from then on and they all lived happily ever after the end