Fairy Tale Fix - 62: Respect His Dibs!

Episode Date: April 11, 2023

On Fairy Tale Fix we believe in the Ancient and Sacred Right of Dibs, and so does everyone in the Swedish story Kelsey reads: The Troll Ride. Next, Abbie celebrates not having to be in the U.S. or at work by reading the Malaysian fairy tale: The Fairy Princess of Ledang Mountain.

But she like burst in the door singing up Lillian, left Lillian, do sing a Larkin, nay little more, nay little more, did Doran's canerkin, which, um,

it wasn't, it wasn't completely correct. It's from a little nursery rhyme up Lillian Hans. And it's like, his name is Hans, but she changed it to up little one for me. Oh, it means up little one,

up little one. The birds are singing. And then the response is like, no little mother, no little mother. It's just the door is creaking. Hi, and welcome to Fairytale Fix, again. Again, welcome. I'm Abby. I'm Abby. I'm Kelsey. And this is the podcast where we read classic fairy tales and then fix them for a modern audience. And we go, what the fuck just happened? We do that a lot too. They are nutso. Some of these stories are just out of this world. What the hell? Yeah. Damn hell. What the damn hell? Exactly.

So good. I'm so excited. Abby gave me a hint about what story she was reading today, so I'm very stoked. Oh my gosh, me too. I can't wait. I also have a really good one. But before we talk about that. I love fairy tales. I'm so excited to be here today. Me too. How are you doing? How is your week? Well, when this episode comes out, I imagine my week will have been going swimmingly. I believe it. Oh my gosh. Are you so excited? I am. So this episode comes out on April 11th, which means that I will have just landed in Kuala Lumpur this morning. Yeah, so my week will be, well, I guess it won't be off to a great start because it will be like a 14 hour flight followed by an eight hour layover in Tokyo followed by another seven hour flight. Yeah, that sounds like it's gonna. So I might actually be really tired and

in a super bad mood on this particular day. But I will be in Malaysia, which will be a lot of fun. And I'm sure my mood will improve quickly. Yeah. And maybe you'll also just had some great Japanese food. Weren't you saying you were going to try to find like a quick ramen place or something? Yeah, we were going to try to because we're going to be in Tokyo for eight hours. place or something. Yeah, we were going to try to, because we were going to be in Tokyo for eight hours. Fuck yeah! As part of our layover, so we're going to try to dip out

because apparently there's a train that goes straight from the airport directly to downtown Tokyo. Yeah, so cool. So we'll try to duck out and have some ramen and then go back to the airport. Send me all the pictures. Oh my gosh,

I'm so excited. What is the time difference between? Between the United States and Malaysia? Yeah. Well, between the East Coast and Malaysia, it's 12 hours. Okay. So. Into the future. You'll be messaging me like middle of the night, which is great. Yes. Or really early morning probably. Is my guess. Yes. Because I'm not going to be doing stuff until like mid-afternoon. Yeah. Oh, I'm so excited for you. I hope you have the best trip. Me too. I think it's going to be so great. Apparently, it gets so hot there in the afternoons that people don't really do things until the sun starts going down. So actually, you and I might, you might be like well into your day by the time I'm well into my day.

Anyway, I'm going to become a night person. Person of the night. A person of the night, a creature of the night. Yeah. Oh, I'm so excited for you.

That's going to be so cool. So fun. Thank you. I want to hear absolutely everything. And on our next episode or maybe maybe two episodes from now I can't tell um the episode we record these pretty early so we have a nice buffer it's still March it's not even St. Patrick's Day yet my my big conference that I'm dreading hasn't even happened yet I'm'm just pretending. I was just asking about it before we started recording.

I'm just like, I don't want to think about it. So I'm going to pretend that I'm already in Malaysia, which is where I will be. So I'm also excited to hear about it and see the pictures. I know, right? Feature Abby and feature Kelsey. abby yeah because you're kelsey yeah we'll probably i'll i'll tell i'll tell our listeners all about it probably during like one of the may episodes yeah we will record when i come back well i am so excited how are you doing? What's up? I'm good. I made Danish thin pancakes this morning, which was really nice. But my... Can you say we're going to make crepes? Yeah. So sometimes I call them crepes because that's

what most people know them as, but technically they're like panacea. They're, uh, they're Danish pancakes. So they're really thin and you like put butter and sugar in them and roll them up. Adam doesn't like to do the butter and sugar. Cause he didn't grow up with a Danish great aunt who made her like gave her tons of butter and sugar like I mean like a tablespoon of sugar per pancake and then roll it up he usually puts like a scramble in it so we were also making like eggs and bacon oh nice okay and our fire alarm went off uh-huh which was really not fun and it scares the absolute shit out of my cat yeah oh so it just starts going off and adam immediately like runs to go turn it off because he's tall and can reach sometimes if

it's like just the really really top one we have to get the ladder out because we have high ceilings i didn't even like notice a lot of smoke so i'm not sure why it went off it's really annoying but poor cheval comes into the kitchen like and she just looks up at me and goes like, Mal, Mal, what's happening? It was really sad. I felt so bad. I went down and covered her little ears because I'm sure it's more sensitive than ours and it was loud as fuck. I was like, I lost five years of hearing probably with that because it took so long to like, I lost five years of hearing probably with that. Because it took so long to like, because they're up so high, it takes so long to get them off. To get like the smoke cleared from that part of the building. Yeah.

Yeah. So my poor little baby. And then she was like scared for most of the morning, like slinking around. Something's wrong. It was really loud. The loud noise can come back at any second. It was the bacon, by the way, in the oven. I guess the ends got like a little burnt. I didn't

notice any smoke when it went off. I was just like, what? Something on fire and on the other side of the house because it's not in the kitchen. But so that was very exciting we and also um adam dropped like four eggs on the floor we had a time this morning we had a rough time making breakfast oh it was chaos in the horn household it really was and

that's like four like four eggs was like fifty dollars worth of eggs right there just down the drain oh my gosh yes our eggs our eggs i don't buy eggs a lot are they still really expensive yes they are expensive i mean and i would also think that they'd be more expensive for you on the east coast because california is like the kind of like egg capital it's so they're california is the capital of lots of food yeah it's not hard it's not yeah um probably i just don't buy eggs very often what i just don't use them not an egg person i'm i'm an egg person but like oh steven's not steven's not an egg person and i don't and i just don't cook them a lot like I forget

I like I bought eggs a couple months ago and they're still in my fridge they're probably still good no oh my gosh months ago we buy like eggs every week I love eggs I could eat them just constantly they're delicious I want them on everything. Makes sense. Yeah. They are delicious. The pancakes I make take three eggs.

They're delicious. And good for you. So many vitamins. Well, aren't they? The eggs are good for you, not the pancakes. Not the pancakes. No, the are good for you, not the pancakes. Not the pancakes.

No, the pancakes have so much sugar. Lots of melted butter. Lots of sugar. They are delicious. I hadn't made them in forever. That was like something I ate growing up that my great aunt Froni made for me constantly. And it was the most delicious thing ever. So it's not very healthy, though. So I don't make

it super often. But I was in the mood this morning. Also, they're called Swedish pancakes, which is what inspired my story today, by the way. Oh, my God. I'm so excited. I'm going to whip out my Swedish fairy tales today. Heck, yeah. I didn't even realize you had a Swedish fairy tale book. Yeah, I haven't read very many. Most of them are kind of long. This is the book that I read the old troll from big mountain from. That's right. Oh my God. That was such a great story. Yeah. With the world's cutest kid, Ollie. And all the stories in here are really good,

but some of them are just really long and I don't pick it up that often. So I totally got a good one for you today. Well, it's actually very relevant to a conversation we had recently. Oh, OK. Oh, my goodness. This is too intriguing. OK, so obviously we have to jump into the story. I know we usually talk. We chit chat a little longer most of the time.

But are you ready? I'm ready. OK, so I can't wait to get into the story because i'm dying i'm like that is such an intriguing thing to say that it's very relevant to conversations we've been having can't wait to find out what that's about that is going to be one of my predictions is trying to guess um but first we this is so exciting uh we have another new patron to thank right on the heels of thanking a couple new patrons from last week.

Thank you very much, Tamara. I have to bring my air horn back from work. No, I think we just need like an air horn for your office at home and at work. And at work. I need to get a second air horn. A keychain air horn. But thank you, Tamara, so much for joining our Patreon community. We appreciate you.

Thank you for helping us pay for editing software. Yes, we really appreciate it. It's so helpful. Thank you, Tamara. You are the best. And you picked a good month to join because we have uh april is going to be a bonus episode month so after we record this episode we should record that one oh my gosh i love it i'm so excited i love doing the bonus episodes i know they get

they get unhinged i'm so excited i always feel like i started today thinking i wanted to do a mermaid story and i ended up getting really excited about the Swedish story. So maybe my bonus episode will be a mermaid story. I was thinking about doing a mermaid story for the bonus episode too. I feel like we always end up doing something similar, which is fun. We do. We don't even plan it most of the time, I swear. Well, I think we should get into our story. We're going to go just a hop, skip and a jump over from Denmark into Sweden. And I'm going to tell you the troll ride. The troll ride. This is by this is from the book Swedish Fairy Tales. And this story is from Anna Wallenberg.

And it's called The Troll Ride. The Troll Ride. And it's relevant to a conversation we have recently had. Very relevant. Not last episode, but the episode before. The one that comes out. Thank you. Because I was going to have a prediction related to event planning. That can be very frustrating.

Seriously. Maybe it is. You did talk about it in that episode, I think. Maybe. No, maybe not. The episode right before this one, I did not. Okay. You're right.

You're right. But the episode before that, okay, I have it. You have your predictions? i have my predictions um the i am uh i'm thinking that the conversation you mean is probably the one we were talking about you know do nice things for panhandlers because uh you might get cursed nice one one. If you do not. So my guess is my first prediction is the protagonist meets a beggar.

Okay. My second prediction is the protagonist gets cursed. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. My third prediction is that it's a troll ride to hell. Oh my God.

That's such a good one. And you will soon find out in The Troll Ride. God, I'm so excited. Peter Lars, the young son of a farmer, came riding along the highway. His heart was gay. He was bound for the city to buy a new jacket because that evening he was going according and wanted to look his best.

Oh, yeah. I like it. Okay. He's gay and a sharp dresser. And he felt rather sure that he would not be turned down. However, proud and rich Lisa was, and even though Peter Lars was the poorest of all her admirers, she had looked at him kindly. Okay.

All right. Lisa sounds like a nice girl. I like this. I mean, eh. Okay, maybe not. Now that I'm, now I'm rethinking it. Now, maybe, maybe Lisa is, um, at the very least not rude, but maybe not into him. We'll see.

We'll see. Okay. His spokesman had extracted a promise that he... I also don't know what his spokesman means, by the way. His spokesman? I guess, like, maybe he's poor, so I don't think he has, like, a secretary or whatever. Yeah, like, he wouldn't have like a man servant or a valet yeah so i'm not sure what that means maybe it's like maybe it's his buddy yeah i was

thinking like maybe like it's true maybe it's customary for your friend to go talk to the girl you like on your behalf oh you're you're a wingman yeah okay so his wingman had extracted a promise that he and his father might come to her at six that afternoon to state their intentions. Peter Lars rode across the fields through a long, deep forest. Then he emerged from the forest onto a green meadow. Suddenly, he saw something that seemed to be moving in a ditch. He drew nearer and realized it was a strange looking woman crawling along. Ooh.

Crawling? Crawling? Crawling. No. Oh my God. No, thank you. No, thank you. That's what Peter thinks.

She lifted her head and stared at him. He had never before seen anything as ugly and evil looking as her face. Her small peppercorn eyes were almost hidden in matted hair. Her nose looked like a carrot and her lips were brown as bread crust. Will you do me a good turn? She asked. I shall reward you for your trouble. You do it.

Do it. Do it, Sunny. What is it? Peter Lars asked. The woman said that she had hurt her leg wandering in the forest and had limped this far because in the next wood near a path that climbed a hill, there grew seven pine trees. A little resin from each of these pines rubbed into her wound would make the pain go away immediately. So magic, magic. But before she got very far from the forest, she had collapsed and was so lying there helpless in the ditch. She badly needed someone to collect resin from

the wood for her. She would see that he was well rewarded for his trouble. Already five people had accepted gold for saying that they would help, but they had probably enjoyed themselves with the money and taken another road home because she had not seen them again, although she had been lying in the ditch since early morning. Oh, no. Oh, I know. Is that sad? She held up a brightly shining gold coin before Peter Lars and said she would give it to him if he would fetch the resin. Peter Lars stepped back. Who are you that looks so evil and have so many gold coins? Judging. She moaned. What? Judging. I know. He's an asshole. She moaned and rubbed her leg. Oh, how it hurts. And my mother is walking in the forest looking for me and calling me.

Listen, can you hear? No, I don't hear anything, said Peter. But then the woman grabbed the mane of his horse, pulled herself up, and put her hand like a trumpet to his ear. Now he heard someone singing deep in the forest. Where are you, daughter, sweet and fair? I'm looking for you everywhere. Peter Lars could not help laughing because he did not think sweet and fair really suited the ugly one by his side.

Sweet and fair, he repeated, chuckling. Jeez. Asshole. Ooh. The woman sank rapidly back into the ditch again, but she kept her head over the edge and her small peppercorn eyes shot fiery glances. You laugh like all the rest, she hissed, and hate me, but I will give you money, as much money as you want,

only if you get me that pine resin. And she rattled the gold coins in her fist. Peter Lars stared at her. Then he knocked her hand so that all the gold coins fell into the ditch. No, thank you. You are a troll and I don't want to have anything to do with the troll. He cracked his whip and continued his journey. Oh, wow. I am having the hardest time deciding if this is a king who's trusting his instincts. I know, right? Always trust your gut if you feel like you're in danger. I feel like this might be an addendum to our conversation about assisting people who ask you for small favors. Yeah. We did talk about that a little bit. Like if it's small, always stay safe. Yeah, exactly. Trust your gut. If it feels unsafe, it probably is. So I don't know. I'm

kind of coming back around. Maybe he's just really appropriately very suspicious. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. He's being mean about her looks though he's being racist because she's a troll yeah okay but uh there's more of the story we'll see i'm we'll see maybe he's maybe his instincts are good but also he seems like he's a bit of a bitch he does seem like a bit of a bitch well he rode into the city bought himself a gay jacket and turned homeward again when he came to the hill oh yeah he bought himself a gay jacket you know this guy yeah i do when he came to the hill that the woman had mentioned he could not help looking around for seven pine trees there they stood in a row, murmuring softly. At that moment, he heard someone singing far,

far away. Where are you, daughter, sweet and fair? I'm looking for you everywhere. He looked at the pine trunks to see if there really was any resin to be found, but it would have been impossible to find it without looking carefully, now that the afternoon light was fading. No, hurry he thought or i'll reach lisa late and that might cost me dearly proud in particular as she is and so he wrote on he had gone is she proud in particular or does she just have good boundaries peter good boundaries you'll see oh god i'm so excited he had gone only a little farther when his horse stopped by itself and pricked up its ears listening. Once again, he heard the song.

Where are you, daughter, sweet and fair? I'm looking for you everywhere. If only I had time to gather some of that resin, he thought, and turned around. But after a minute, he changed his mind. It's madness, he said to himself. What do I care about an old, ugly troll woman? And so he turned homeward again it didn't take long before the horse stopped again once more and he heard the song where are you daughter sweet and fair i'm looking for you everywhere i can't bear it

thought peter lars if i don't get the resin i'm afraid i will never stop hearing that song aka it's the sound of your conscience, Peter. Yes. AKA your guilty fucking conscience. Yeah. Leaving that poor woman in a ditch. Yeah. Just because you think she's ugly. Knocking the gold coins out of her hand.

Yeah. So he gallops back into the pine trees and he examined the trunks and the branches and did at last succeed in gathering resin from each of the seven trees. By now it was almost dark and he began to gallop along the road he came to the ditch and saw the troll woman sitting there here you are you ugly old hag he shouted throwing the resin into her lap he's still such an asshole such a dick and i hope i never see you again for you probably have cost me my sweetheart's hand he spurred his horse on without waiting to hear whether she would thank him or not he was angry and anxious sure that he would be too late and then what would lisa's father say

peter knew that her father wasn't too happy to have a pauper for a son-in-law and lisa herself her pride might be hurt suddenly he heard the tramp of horses if he's poor he could at least be on time if he's poor he should be punctual suddenly he heard the tramp of horses hooves nearby and from around bend in the road a rider approached him it was his brother he looked a sight and his horse was all in a lather. You'll be late. You'll be late. Your brother called.

And as the two of them galloped on together, he told Peter that he and their old father and the spokesman had been in his wingman. Had been waiting by Lisa's farm gate for Peter to come. When suddenly the rich Miller Jonas, who owned a happy village, had pulled up in his carriage. He too was going in to ask for the beautiful Lisa's hand. When Miller Jonas heard that Peter Lars was expected at six o'clock, he was not at all dismayed.

If Peter was turned down, he said, then he was ready to take his place. I like that he's honoring the dibs, though. Yeah, I know. He's like, well, you did call it first. But if you're not here right at six o'clock, she's mine. That's the rule. She's mine.

Oh, I love it. Arrival. And so there he sat now waiting. By the time Peter and his brother met on on the road it was a quarter to six and they had several miles to go goodbye peter called urging his horse to the utmost and streaking along the forest path at breakneck speed it was so dark that he could hardly see the road before him branches tore at his handsome new jacket and scratched his forehead until it bled but he paid no attention because gotta get to that lisa fucking hot yeah

oh my gosh all peter could think of was that the beautiful lisa might give her hand to the rich miller jonas as to punish him for being late that was what you've got for having anything to do with trolls oh uh there's a lot to unpack in that sentence so much like a of all thinking that lisa does not sound like she is thinking very much about you when it comes to like who she's going to marry and it's she certainly wouldn't marry anyone just despite a particular person i don't know it kind of when later on in the story it kind of sounds like she will she sounds a pill she sounds pretty high maintenance okay I'll reserve judgment

I don't know anyway it sounds like everyone in this town kind of sucks yes it does right everyone including all the people that passed by the poor troll in the first place and like took her money and didn't didn't do the thing that she asked.

Like, nobody here is impressing me. No. Soon his horse began to pant and stumble and trip, and Peter was afraid it might collapse under him. The horse went slower and slower, no matter how he urged it forward. Then he felt the reins stiffen and go taut in his hands.

The horse lifted its head and its hooves began to fly over the ground. Something seemed to have brought it back to life and it went so fast that Peter's cape was billowing behind. Ooh, okay. Peter turned around in the saddle. It seemed to him that someone was sitting behind him on the horse's back.

No one was there though, and yet he imagined he saw what looked like a gray bundle slip down over the horse's rump. Like the word r rump the ride became wilder and wilder peter no longer felt in control of the reins and now the horse no longer followed the road but turned among the bushes and undergrowth it jumped hillocks and streams and every time peter cast a look behind he dimly glimpsed a gray bundle sliding farther back on the horse. And every time he looked ahead, he felt more and more sure that someone was sitting behind him. They had reached open fields now,

and the cape was flying straight up over his head, stretched as trim as a sail. The horse flew like a bird and its hooves barely touched the ground. At the first fork in the road, Peter met his spokesman, aka his wingman. His wingman. Who had run out to him to urge him to hurry you're too late peter lars shout of the spokesman only five minutes are left

we'll see peter called and was gone in a wink a little further on he met his old father who shook his head sadly you'll never get there you only have a minute left we'll see p Peter called and disappeared so fast that the old man didn't even see him go. See, it sounds like this is what you get for meddling with trolls. It sounds like they do you a favor. Do a good turn, get a good turn. Yeah. At the farmer's house, everyone was waiting. Beautiful Lisa, her arm leaning on the

windowsill was listening for the beat of hooves while her father and the miller rubbed their hands contentedly i like that they're just like yep six o'clock six o'clock i'm in only a minute left we all respect the rules of dibs around here i'm very unhappy with the idea of my daughter marrying a pauper but he did call dibs before six so that's how medieval marriage works apparently in sweden now said her father looking at the clock on the wall there's only half a minute to go and if he were gonna come on time we would have hurt his horse on the bridge by now lisa you may as well give the millie your hand right away for you would never be satisfied with a suitor who kept you waiting i will wait until six o'clock, Lisa said. And she stood there

with a beating heart. So it sounds like she really does like him, though. Yeah, maybe she could only get her father to agree? I don't know. I don't know. Well, she was so proud

that she would rather have made herself unhappy for the rest of her life than be kept waiting a single second by a suitor it would be desperately hard to lose peter lars so she loves him but she can't be kept waiting a single second not a single second she'd rather marry someone she just hates than keep be kept fuck you lisa sorry just no absolutely um lisa lisa wouldn't like most people i'm guessing peter and lisa deserve each other they sound like they really do

like they're those people that place such a high priority on being on time they're the if you're not early you're late assholes yeah i say this with complete bias as someone who's late a lot yeah but same we can never be friends i'm sorry if any of our listeners are people that are like, no, you have to be there right on time or it's like just done. Mm hmm. Or I'm super mad now. Time isn't real, man.

Calm down. Time is made up. Time is made up. Time was made up by capitalism. You know? Thank you. Fuck time. You get it.

Yeah. So Lisa's waiting for six o'clock and then the clock began to chime. Too late, cried the miller. But the strong beat of hooves was heard on the bridge just then. And Lisa's eyes shone with joy. Listen, he's coming, she exclaimed. You really don't like her. that's how i imagine she talks but just as the clock was ready to chime for the sixth time the door was

flung open and there stood peter lars dripping wet his hair tousled and his new jacket dusty and torn now he's a sword husband somehow he looked jaunty and dashing all at the same time oh yeah and put her hand in his so firmly and confidently that he knew she was giving it to him for life which is written really sweetly that's really sweet but all i can think about now is like you have to respect my dibs and they do and they do miller and farmer could only gape they could not understand how peter lars had managed to arrive on time and no one else understood either everybody's like what lasts until 601 yes technically you have technically six o'clock lasts for a whole minute but this was not the last time people would marvel at peter lars from then on regardless of how late he set on any journey, he would always arrive on time, and no one ever saw him get anxious to get started. Whether he rode on horseback or in a carriage, he was calm and assured.

And he could well off afford to be, for he always felt he had someone with him, someone who held the bridle and reins in such a way that all his adventures always finished well. all his adventures always finished well. But who was this? He could never discover, no matter how many times he thought he glimpsed a gray bundle slip down the rump of his horse or off the edge of his carriage in the moment he turned his head. Yet inside himself, Peter Lars knew who it was that sappy has side.

Yeah. He had not asked for any reward for what he had done for the troll in the ditch, but for all that, it had been an honest troll, and a reward he certainly did receive. The end. I thought it was a fun story. It's a super fun story. I love the story.

But he's still kind of a fucking big i love the story but he's but he's still like he's still kind of a fucking bigot at the end of he didn't right he won't even acknowledge that it's that it's the troll who's helping him oh and i guess she was actually one of those rare honest trolls after all when she was legit paying people up front to go get pine resin for her like there was no trick she was she was handing out money in exchange for a service up front like and she rewarded him even though he didn't ask for money like she still was like so rude to her oh my gosh yeah so obviously that's how i would fix the story is peter wouldn't be such a dickhead yeah i want peter to be the kind of person who i think deserves his reward yeah that that protagonist was not likable even a little

not even to the like to the very end boo peter yeah he sucks oh gosh but yeah fun story i love the troll i love that she still like gave him something and it was very i think it's neat that it wasn't just that one off too like kept happening for his whole life yeah instead of getting cursed he got blessed yeah moral of the story be nice to trolls maybe if he was nice he would have gotten stuff that was even better yeah actually honestly i feel like almost all of the stories in this book the moral is like be kind i like that i do. I'm excited to read you the other one. I'll probably wait a little bit. So I'm not just doing like two Swedish ones in a row.

A bunch of Swedish. But it was, they're so much fun. Oh, and you got, you definitely got a couple of points. I got one point. No, you just got one. Yeah. Yeah. Or the protagonist, the protagonist meets like, a couple of points. I got one. You just got one. Yeah. Yeah. Um,

or the protagonist, the protagonist meets like, I said, I said a beggar, but like, but we, but you know, someone,

someone is begging for something. She was begging for help. She wasn't begging for money, but she needed, she needed just some pine resin. She was like, cause she was crawling along the road. Like, Oh, Peter. And just pine resin she was like because she was crawling along the road like oh peter and just pine resin it's not like she was asking for much else and also like shouldn't lisa i guess but

people really hate trolls too so they do they do so he was like oh oof okay yeah, he didn't get cursed. He got blessed. I want a Troll Ride to Hell story so bad. That's so good. That's such a fun idea. Well, I think it's because I've been playing Marvel's Midnight Suns a lot recently. And Ghost Rider is one of the characters. And his character always says stuff like like i'll see you in hell is it nicholas cage that does the voice for that because wasn't he ghost rider he was he was in the ghost rider movie but they did they did a different version of the character for the game they did like a younger teenage version of the character. Oh, boo, why? I mean, that's fine.

Reasons? Who knows? Ghost Rider is not my favorite character, but I do think that it's funny that he's got a bunch of abilities like he's got the hell ride. So when I heard the troll ride, I was like hell yeah, go straight to hell! Oh man, that would have been

really good. That would have been better honestly. Maybe that's how I would fix it, that he doesn't help her and she takes him to hell instead of Lisa. Yeah, that's, ooh, I love it. Like, he thinks that he's being born along to his love, but instead he, like, he kicks open the door to what he thinks is Lisa's house. And instead it's hell. Yep. And Lisa, and instead it's hell. Yep. And Lisa is the devil.

And she like grabs them and sticks her hand and she's like, yep, now we're together forever. Awesome. That is an alternate. Cause I, there's two fixes for this then, because I do like the idea that maybe instead of like being like,

Oh, I'm going to hear that song forever. He like felt in his heart, like, no, I have to help that woman. Even though the love of my life won't understand or whatever and then he does something that like you know something for a

troll that his family and obviously friends like wouldn't understand because they're all bigots so there's two and there's two endings to this one yeah it's's Peter gets the nice reward if he is in fact, if he does in fact learn to be a nicer person. Yeah. Or if he's going to continue to be a little bitch, he gets the rewards that little bitches get, which is they get ridden straight to hell. Well, you know,

I felt this story because I remember, I'm not wanting to help that one lady. Like, I was just kind of like, no, I don't have time. And then I was like, no, I should do it. Yeah. Like,

you know, I mean, obviously I don't feel like I was as bad as Peter, but that's, that's fine. You weren't calling her ugly to her face or like knocking all of her belongings out of her hands. Yeah.

Like that wasn't the reason. Yeah. Anyway. And also like she wasn't crawling reason that wasn't out there yeah anyway and also like she wasn't crawling on the anyway yeah oh my god peter what a dick yeah yeah that version gets to go to hell the sweeter version gets gets a wife this is gonna be a choose your own adventure when we eventually get our own book deal and we're doing fairy tales with our fixes. 100%. Rewriting fairy tales with our fixes. This one's going to be a choose your own adventure.

That's such a fun idea. I now desperately want to do that. Oh, my gosh. I think we should and release it as Patreon content. Oh, okay. I love that. Oh, maybe. I think we should and release it as Patreon content. Oh, okay. I love that. Oh, maybe. Okay. After things get, after things stop being crazy. I know. I still haven't even done the Hans Christian Andersen love, love life. We say things.

I, I wrote it out in a word doc. I have his love life timeline. Maybe I'll send it over to, there's a new podcast. I haven't actually had a chance to listen, spill the mead, but they are very sweet on, on social media. And their podcast is like gossipy history history. And I,

Oh, I love that. I'm desperate for them to do an episode on Hans Christian Anderson. I already told them they need to. Hell yeah. Oh my gosh. That sounds, what an adorable premise. I love that.

All right. Are you ready for my story? I'm so ready. So fucking ready. I'm very excited to tell it to you. It's, so as a little preface this is a malaysian folk tale because you're in malaysia because i'm gonna be in malaysia when this episode drops and i actually found it because i am trying i am i am also attempting to learn uh a language i'm well i'm

not trying to learn the whole language but i am trying to pick up a little Malay before we actually go. Like Malaysia, Malay and English are two of the most commonly spoken languages in Malaysia. So I'm not that worried about being able to communicate with people, but I want to at least learn like, hello, goodbye, please, thank you. And excuse me, where's the bathroom? Yeah. You know, before, before we go. So hashtag not sponsored, but Duolingo is really fun. Duolingo does not have Malay as one of their languages. So I actually grabbed I actually was looking at a language learning app called Ling, which has it's just it just has more Asian languages on it in general. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so I got, and then, and on Ling's website, uh, they actually had this, they had this fairy tale, um, on their website, along with like a little pronunciation guide for

some of like the Malaysian place words. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Shout shout out ling that's awesome yeah it was really cool so so i've got that going and then i went down another little rabbit hole um to try to find exactly like where i could get the full story because ling has a very short version of the story on it that's not that like gives you the cliff notes of it but not the actual story itself so the actual story itself is written down in a book called the malay annals which was published of course by you know an english an english i want to say english fuck bag well just just because the preface to this book is super racist oh yeah um the preface to this book is super super like patronizing um written and and translated from malay you know by an

english explorer i'm not gonna bother to say his name who cares boo it's but uh but and the book was published in like 1812 yeah so this was while malaysia was still an english colony which is why one of the predominant languages spoken there is english but before that uh it was it was it was a part of the malacca sultanate which that was uh that was a country that kind of took that had had a lot of control of the Malaysian peninsula because Malaysia is spread over a peninsula that it shares with Thailand and then also was part of the island of Borneo, which it shares with Indonesia.

I've been learning about Malaysia before I go there. And then when I come back, I will have even more hot Malaysia facts. So cool. Love it. That's such a great way to find a fairy tale or folktale. I go there. And then when I come back, I will have even more hot Malaysia facts. So cool. Love it. That's such a great way to find a fairy tale or folktale. I love it. I thought it was cool too.

So I'm, so I'm going to be reading the legend of Pateri Gunung Ledang, which is the fairy princess of Ledang mountain. Okay. Yeah. Oh my gosh. So I'm very excited. Here's the story. Oh, you got, sorry, you you got three predictions i have to make some predictions all right the fairy princess of sorry will

you say last lemon again the fairy princess of ladang mountain the dang mountain okay i love that it's the fairy princess because that is such a great term that we don't see very often like we see princesses and we see fairies, but not very often do we see fairy princesses. So my prediction is that the protagonist is trying to save the fairy princess. Okay. My second prediction is that the fairy princess is a badass. Ooh, okay. I like that.

She's just a kick-ass fairy princess. I don't know. And then my third prediction is that there is some sort of mythical creature besides fairies. Like a sidekick kind of mythical creature or maybe a mythical creature captured her. Does that make sense?

Yeah, that makes sense. Okay. I like that. Okay. Is that cool? Super cool. All right, let's do it. Those are all great predictions. Thank you.

I'm excited to get into it. Okay. So this is the legend of Puteri Gunung Ledang, or the Princess of Ledang Mountain. There's a bit I'm switching back and forth in two versions. There's the there's the version that's actually in the Malay annals. And then there's another version that I found online, which again, like a shortened cliff notes version of the story, but they include a preface where you get a bit more of what we always want, which is the fairy princess's backstory. Hell yes. Love it.

Which you don't get in the Malay annals. Well, give me that backstory. Hell yeah. Okay. So most people in Malaysia know the legend of Puteri Gunung Ledang. However, not many realize the legend happened in the district of Muar, which is north of Malacca. Malacca is a city that's on the peninsular portion of Malaysia, and it's about halfway between Kuala Lumpur and Singapore.

Okay. So she lives in that region. Geography is not my forte. So I'm just, I'm just, I'm just saying stuff just in case there are people who are. Oh yeah. I need a map. I am looking at one. When you told me, where were you going?

I like looked it up. I had to look it up on a map. I was like, I have no idea where this is. Where is that? I had to look it up too. I didn't know it was that close to Thailand. Because I'm American and geography, especially like the geography of East Asia is not something anyone bothered to teach us. Yeah. Or any geography. I only knew any geography from like one anthropology class. It was Dr. Eaton. And he had like a tiny bit of geography. And that's it. That's the only he's like, how do you not know where like stuff in the world is? And it's like, that's a really good point. I mean, also, he this is a total tangent, but don't blame us, man. We went to an American

public school. All right. Okay. Well, I mean, like, I don't think he was blaming us. I think he like was criticizing the American public school system. Okay, is your problem, in my opinion. That's 100% fair. Anyway, and I keep saying East Asia, Malaysia, Malaysia, Southeast Asia, just just to I was I'm looking I am looking at a map and I'm like, Oh, dang, that is super far south. That is very, that is the equator. south that is very that is the equator um anyway all we all we've done of the story of the actual story so far is that the fairy princess uh lives in lives north of malacca according to the malay belief in the old days there was a beautiful fairy princess who lived on top of ladang hill and was called puteri gunung ladang the princess had seven sisters who originated from java which is uh you know 1500s talk for indonesia that was indonesia was called at the time it's giving me irish fairy tale because it's like explaining all the places yeah you're getting all the places you're getting all the backstory they're trying to

position you in the story it's a nice transition from ir Fairytale Month. I think so, too. Her other relatives were the fairy princess Benang, the fairy princess Ponte, and the fairy princess Beramban. So she has siblings. And these fairy princesses cannot be seen by human beings. However, I know. be seen by human beings. However, I know. However, some people like traditional medicine men and also people who lose their way in the forest sometimes meet and talk to them. Oh, so like they can be seen by some humans sometimes for chaotic neutral reasons. For chaotic neutral reasons. Yeah. Perfect. Like, like medicine men know how know how to see them on their own. Like, they know how to look at them properly.

But the fairy princesses also may choose to reveal themselves to lost travelers. Wonderful. Perfect fairy nonsense. Perfect fairy nonsense. So according to the Malay story, Puteri Gunong Ladang stayed at the top of her mountain and had a lover who lived on a nearby mountain. And every night, the mountaintop of her lover's mountain, Gunung Rundak, will approach near her mountain, and the two lovers meet and spend time until the early morning. until one night they did not realize that dawn had already come and apparent like the this story this story is kind of like it's not especially well written in english so it's kind of hard to figure out exactly what happened but basically um her lover could not be seen by the sun and he dies oh no that's very sad. Yeah.

You think they would pay attention more with such a strict rule? Mm-hmm. But the point is they were so wrapped up in each other and so in love that they didn't notice that the sun was rising. I know. It's very sweet, except now he's dead. It was sweet until it wasn't. It was sweet until it wasn't. It was sweet until it wasn't. And he's,

it's unclear. He's either dead or they are permanently separated. Because there's, there's also referenced like a great chasm is between their mountaintops now. And they can't, so they either can't get to each other or he's dead. And the story, the story seems unclear to me on that point.

Either way. It's very sad. And and they they are permanently separated either way so she vows to never marry okay okay okay so that's the preface that's the preface that was not included in the the book from 1818 yeah okay and then the protagonist in my prediction is coming to save her from herself you've got to get over him get over him and get under me. So now, now onto the actual meat of the story as related in the Malay, in the Malay annals. It is related that the wife of Sultan Mahmud and mother of Raja Ahmed

returned into God's mercy and the King was extremely afflicted. So it was very sad that his wife died. All of his chiefs likewise looked gloomy at seeing the grief of their prince and all their attempts to console him proved ineffectual and could not remove the impression from his heart. One day, all of the nobles assembled and the king asked them what they advised since the land of Malacca was now devoid of a queen. And this is in other versions of the story uh he actually already has two other wives but his his favorite wife was the one that died and his advisors try to tell him you've got two other

wives like why do you need a third one and he said they suck boo but they love but he loved that one he loved that one wife but that's that's a different version of the story that I read. In this version, it's his beloved wife, the queen has died. We're all just looking for love, right? We're all just looking for love. His chief said, The daughter of what Raja would you choose? Mention the name of any princess and we will go and ask her. The king replied, any princess and we will go and ask her the king replied i don't want to marry a raja's daughter for any other raja may marry a raja's daughter i want to marry one to whom no other prince can

aspire oh barf he's like now i want the unattainable fairy princess i want i want a literal fairy princess i don't i don't want a normal human woman. Well, he's not impressing me so far, but... Inform us then, said the nobles, whither your wishes tend, and we will do our utmost to carry them into effect. And the king says, I want to ask Princess Gunung Ladang. Then they asked him whom he wished to send as his messengers.

He said, I will send Sang sang satya and tune muhammad and those men cheerfully assented tune muhammad first i bet they're like they all didn't want they were like who are you gonna ask who's gonna go ask her and they're like who has to climb on me please not me well he picks to say no. I don't know. They seem to think that this guy is pretty cool. They seem to think that this sultan has a shot. That's what they tell him.

Anyway. Yeah, of course she's going to say yes. Who wouldn't? You're the greatest. After long journeying, the two men reached the foot of the mountain and began to ascend it, but found no road. The hill men, however, that they located showed them the road for the way was excessively difficult with violent gusts of wind and a cold, quite unsupportable, according to the book. It was very, very cold and and windy it was march on the mountain eternally it sounds fucking awful they advanced however till they reached about the middle of the mountain when none of the people could proceed farther then toon muhammad said

to the guide and to sang satya stop you here gentles and let me ascend the hill the others assented and tune muhammad with two or three other hearty men he just i guess he keeps changing his mind on like how many people can come with him by the way this is totally making me think of shrek how like the king sends off somebody else to get his wife yes yes, yes, exactly. This is, this, this Sultan, so far, is very Lord Farquaad. Yes, you climb the treacherous mountain and ask her if she likes me.

Ask her if she wants to be my wife. Check yes or no, but just yes. There's only one box. It's the box for yes. Now I want one of these guys to fall in love with her and it's going to be a whole thing. Anyway. That's a cute idea.

Abby just made a face. Abby made a face. Okay. So Toon Mamed with two or three hardy men ascended as well as he could until he came to a bamboo forest. Okay, and it says that the bamboo are spontaneously melodious. Melodious? Yeah, so they play music. They start singing?

Yeah, like the bamboo forest starts singing. That's magical as hell. It's magical as hell. It's like, that sounds so cool. So they come to a singing bamboo forest. Fuck yeah. And all that ascended felt like birds flying in the furious gusts of wind and the clouds closed round so near that one might touch them.

And the sound of the musical bamboo was extremely melodious and the very birds lingered to hear their music. And the forest deer were all also enchanted by their melody. I know. It's so like, this really sounds like a fairy tale. It's super magical.

Love it. And Toon Mehmed was so delighted with their sound that he could not prevail on himself to advance on his journey for some time. He's just hanging out listening to the music. He is hanging out listening to the music, enjoying the birds and the deer and the clouds. He's like, this is the best vacation ever.

He's like, I'm actually, in retrospect, I'm really glad I came on this trip. How most people feel when they go on hikes. It's worth it. Once you get to the pretty pot, the pretty spot really high up where you get to sit down. That is very relatable. Okay.

Again, however, he proceeded slowly till at last he reached a garden of wonderful beauty. Such had never been seen. It was full of all kinds of flowers and fruits which are to be found in the whole world arranged in plots of different kinds as soon as the birds of the garden observed the approach of to momad they uttered all kinds of cries some like a man whistling others like a person playing a pipe like a person playing on

the serdam others like a person reciting verses, others like persons. I love reading out loud after reading silently to myself and like my eyes skipping over certain words. And now that I have to say them out loud, I'm like the birds were making pretty sounds. I mean, I get it. Birds and instruments and people talking in all sorts of languages and everybody sounds happy. And it's just it's just really nice. Yeah. It's just a good old time.

He basically walked into paradise. Yeah, essentially. It's it's heaven. This is this is so goofy. I'm so excited. The large lemons made a loud noise. The large lemons made a loud noise, the grapes giggled, and the pomegranates smiled and laughed aloud while the rose repeated poetry in the following style. Oh, no.

Why am I imagining the lemons just screaming? Yeah, I don't know what loud sounds. But the grapes are giggling. The grapes are giggling and the roses are reciting poetry. I mean, that sounds cute, but... Also a little Alice in Wonderland. And that part gave me nightmares when the flowers are talking. And the flowers are still being creepy. Yeah.

I don't like flowers talking. Here's the poem. The teeth are grating against each other. They wish to eat the fish of the tank fine and fat are the rose for frying and the scales will stick to the

breast so basically just talking about how delicious fish are roses that eat fish mm-hmm it's terrifying yeah it's pretty scary flowers should never talk in my opinion I i don't like

it i didn't like it in the big friendly giant no i didn't like it in alice in wonderland flowers should keep flowers should shut up like and it sounds like they're describing delicious food. Yeah. But I don't like the image of bloodthirsty flowers eating fish eggs. No, no, thank you. I don't like the idea of lemons just yelling. And I don't know, grapes giggling is kind of cute. Grapes giggling. Grapes giggling reminds me of the 10th kingdom a little bit. I don't know why. Like I feel like giggling grapes would be something in that.

And the mushrooms are like, come on, just eat us. We're delicious. Oh, that creeps me out too. Dangerous. exceedingly surprised to hear a tree and hear flowers so skillful and making poetry as well to see the whole arrangement of the garden. He at last came up to a hall in the garden made of bone and hat and that had a roof of hair. I hate that. Yeah.

Those are bones of all the fish, the rosary or bones, the humans they're eating. This is terrifying, actually. Yeah, no, it's like it's a really beautiful garden that just has an edge of something sinister going on. Yeah. So it's a bone appearance with a plaid thrown across her shoulder. Which I assume just means a blanket thrown across her shoulder because it was an Englishman who translated this.

Yeah. With four young women before her. As soon as they saw Tun Mamed, they asked him, whence do you come and whither are you going? And he replied, I am a Malacca man named Tunmamed, they asked him, whence do you come and where are you going? And he replied, I am a Malacca man named Tunmamed. I am sent by the Sultan of Malacca to ask in marriage the fairy princess of Gunung Ladang. This is the reason of my coming. The guide and Sang Satya are also on the hill beneath, but unable to ascend and have sent me onward. Now, please inform me, what's your name? And whence do you come?

The elder lady replied, My name is Dong Raya Rani, and I'm the guardian of Princess Gunung Ladang. Whatever you want to say here, I will go represent it to the princess. Winged woman. Yeah. Who Sultan is calling dibs.

On these words, the... Yes, the Sultan is calling dibs on these words the yes the sultan is calling dibs on the princess if these people are respected the dibs as much as the last story it's very important so on these words the five women instantly vanished and then there came to him another old woman hunchbacked and bent threefold who said to him dong raya rani has delivered your message to the princess who desires me to say that if the raja of malacca wishes for me he must first make a flight of stairs of gold and another of silver from malacca to gunung ludang and in asking me he must present a gnat's heart seven platters broad seven platters worth of moth's heart a vat of human tears a vat of the juice of the young batel nut one file of the raja's blood and one file of the prince raja ahmed's blood wow that's she has a long list yeah and like

a platter of gnats hearts uh-huh seven platters seven platters of gnats hearts yeah do not even have theoretically but they are very small yeah okay yeah seven platters of Nat's hearts, seven platters of Moth's hearts, a vat of human tears. Yeah, a vat. I don't even know how big a vat is. Don't know what a vat is. She also wants a batel nut juice, a phial of the Raja's blood,

and a phial of his son's blood. That wouldn't be too hard to get. The blood seems like the easiest. Yeah, but it's, but you know, wait. Okay. And if the Raja performs this, the Princess Gunung Ladang will assent to his desire. As soon as she had spoken this,

she vanished so that nobody could perceive where she had gone. According to some accounts, however, the elderly lady who conversed with Tun Mehmed was in fact, the Princess Gunun Ladang herself who had assumed the appearance of an old woman. She's like, yeah, not likely. No. Then Tun Mehmed returned and descended to the guide and to Sang Satya and informed them of what had passed, after which they all returned and related the old woman's conversation to sultan mahmud shah who said all these requests may be complied with but the taking of blood is an unpleasant business and i have no inclination for it at all the end

wow so everything else like yeah no problem But I am not giving my blood. Seven platters of Nat's hearts is something I can order my servants to do. But my blood, my blood, that involves me having to do some work. I think that this I think that in this book, it was a slightly bad translation. I read other versions of the story where it was actually he's that where he said that like all of this can be accomplished except taking my son's blood which i i won't do oh okay that would be a that would be a fix yeah so so a fix a fix specifically for this version of the story is that it changes to the ending of the original version of the story, which is

like, okay, I'm I'll do the rest of it, but like I can't, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna take my son's blood. Yeah. She also asked for more blood in another version of the story. Like she's specifically setting him tasks that are

impossible because she has vowed to never marry. So wait, did you say a vial of blood? A phial? A phial? So like P-H-I-A-L? Oh yeah, another term for vial. Okay, so yeah, not very much blood.

Not a lot of blood. She asked for more in other versions of the story. I love it. I kind of like that he's like, but not my like hell no hell no something i really i something else i really like about this story is because in most of these kinds of stories that we read where like a king wants to marry a fairy creature and she has rules that were or conditions that need to be met before she'll do it usually like like like in the like in the seventh the sixth servant story that we read usually the prince finds a finds a clever way around the conditions yes he finds a loophole but in in this story in this story the king the

king's like can do can do can do, can do, can do, super doable. I'm just not. Nope. I don't want to do that. Never mind. No. Hey, he's boundaries. Yeah.

I actually kind of like that. Oh, never mind. And he let his servants have a nice little vacation. They got to go enjoy the fairy lands for a while. Yeah, which I think is also kind of nice. I don't know. I was hoping they would fall in love. He made a face and I was like, oh my God. Well, I was just thinking about how much better that would be, but I didn't want to say that out loud. Yeah. That would also be a good fix. Yeah.

I like that. I think that's a fix that I like better than just having the other version ending on this one. I like the idea that, you know, while Toon Mahmood is running around, or like accomplishing all these tasks yeah that she is set for the sultan that she ends up falling in love with him i think that's yeah that would be cute that'd be cute that would be a cute a meet cute yeah oh i don't know and then they just live together in her creepy garden yeah oh gosh. I didn't like that at all. That was really creepy. I'm not sure. It was almost to the point

where I wasn't sure if it was supposed to be creepy or just magical. I feel like it went on the edge a little bit with the with the Baba Yaga hut.

The bone house. Yeah. The Malaysian Baba Yaga. Yeah. And like the singing the flowers reciting poetry about meat. I would love to know if that story could be retranslated by not a racist asshole. Yeah, me too. And I can, I, because I looked for one.

Yeah. I because I looked for one yeah that was a more recent translation and I did find them it's just that they really shortened the adventure part they kind of like all of the other translations I found really like do the first part of the story and the end of the story and really hand wave the stuff in the middle about him climbing the mountain oh yeah which that was a shame because I because that's it was such a magical journey. So I decided to read, I decided to read like the 18 whatever version of it for that reason.

It was magical. I liked it. Yeah, it was fun. Maybe if I learn to read Malay, I can pick up a book of Malaysian folktales. Oh, that would be so cool. And I can do the translation but i mean that's the dream really the dream i'm probably never going to learn how to read

malaysian beyond uh yeah the few sort of like street signs i understand but uh a girl a girl can have goals i know that would be so cool to be able to like read the original folk tales obviously not the original because they've all been written down like over right like it's all oral oral tradition as well because like the the website that i found did mention that like this like this is this is a story that like obviously malaysian people have been telling each other for a long long long long. It's just that it hadn't actually been written down before. Well, that's amazing. Thank you for telling me that great story. That was really fun. You're welcome. I enjoyed that one too. And I actually love the ending that she's just like, no.

That she's like, sure, I'll marry you. Do all these impossible things. And he said, can do's bill, baby doll, except for the bit where you want my blood. Amazing. Good times. Well, I think that is going to do it for us today. So thank you so much for listening to fairy tale fix. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe and leave us a review on Apple or you can give us a star review on Spotify. We are almost to 50.

We're at 49, baby. Oh, my God. Tip us over. Tip us over. Tip us over. And also, we're still on a little stretch for 33 reviews on Apple. So if anybody wants to go, just give us some review. You could just do a bunch of emojis.

You don't have to think about it that hard.. You could just do a bunch of emojis. You don't have to think about it that hard. We actually have one with a bunch of emojis. So thank you. Oh, really? That's great. Just copy that. Yeah, perfect. Oh, if you love the show even more and want to support us like our new patron Tamara who we love,

you can get extra episodes. You can get merch. You can get books and other cool bonus content at our Patreon by signing up at fairytalefix.cash. And it's only about what you pay for a latte a month. You can also find us on Twitter and Instagram and Facebook and TikTok all at fairytalefixpod. Please email us your favorite fairy tales, folklore, nursery rhymes and other such things at info at fairytalefixpod.com. And the troll ride had two different endings. One where Peter helps her, but it is from the goodness of his heart and not because he was worried he was going to hear that

song forever and ever. And he's actually just a really nice guy. And, you know, even though people don't like trolls, he decides to help because he's a good person, not, not for his own personal gain. Or if you choose where he decides not to help her, that the troll woman crawls upon his horse and rides him directly into hell

where Lisa is actually the devil and he must spend eternity with her in hell fuck yeah either one of those would rule so hard right so good and the fairy princess of gunung ladang fell in love with toon memed while he was running around trying to get those seven platters of gnat hearts and she decided to marry him not instead of the sultan because the sultan said nah anyway but because she really appreciated Toon Mamed's persistence and they all

lived happily ever after the end