Fairy Tale Fix - 63: Queer! Pirate Behavior

Episode Date: April 27, 2023

Ahoy, matey! Prepare yourself for rough winds ahead on our pirate-themed episode! Steering us into merMay Kelsey hoists her hope sails high for piratey nonsense in The Cock with the Golden Feathers by Ruth Manning-Sanders. Then, prepare for Abbie to shiver your timbers with a haunting listener-recommended tale of Black Bartelmy’s Ghost.

yo ho all together hoist the colors high I was like banners? oh banners no I think that's it no no I think it's colors it's definitely colors hoist the

colors high Colors high. yo ho I don't know the words welcome to fairy tale fit I'm Kelsey and I'm Abby and this is the pirate episode. I am so fucking stoked. At last. We have been wanting pirates and it's really difficult to find fairy tales with pirates in them. in them. We have wonderfully been sent some pirate stories by Brittany.

Thank you, Brittany. Thank you so much, Brittany. We love you. One of them is still really long. It's too long. It's so long and we wanted to shorten it for this episode, but we just didn't have the time. I'm tired. Yeah.

But we did get a ghost story, another one from Brittany. So we're going to read that today. Okay. I mean, I say okay, as if I don't know, because I'm the one reading it. I'm going to be reading a ghost story. And I found another one, possibly in a Ruth Manning Sanders book, but we'll talk about that a little bit later. But I'm just like so excited for Pirates. Oh, it's so appropriate because it's it's the final episode of April. Theoretically, assuming we actually release this episode in April. Time will tell. We shall see. Fairytale Fix is undergoing some maintenance and we're doing. The fairy tale fix is undergoing some maintenance and we're doing, but assuming all goes well, we will release this episode in April, just in time to let pirates steer us into the beautiful waters where the

mermaids dwell for mermaid. Yes. We figured since the little mermaid was coming out or the the live action little mermaid movie was coming out at the end of may that we would do all mermaid tales for the month of may yes we're gonna go around the world to find different types of mermaids so get ready and if you're a patron you already know we did a bonus episode with some Irish mermaids called The Marrow. So if you're not a patron of Patreon yet, you can check that out at fairytalefix.cash. And we're never going to do Marrow again.

So that is the only place you will ever find it. Yeah. How else are you going to learn about the marrow? Which is by Googling it. Yeah. Don't Google it. Don't Google it. Wikipedia page. Go to fairytalefix.cash where we've got 19 or 20 bonus episodes for you to listen to. Anyway, I was really excited about Pirates. I just had to get straight into it. How are you doing? How are you feeling? I'm doing amazing. I'm having a beautiful day. I know you said you had like a topic you wanted to get into today, but I actually I wanted to tell you about how i had the best time

talking to the guy who came to fix my doorknob earlier today okay tell me about that my door broke my doorknob broke something with the latch the front door we couldn't open it um oh like something happened what if there was a fire? We were stuck. Well, because we could get out the back door. The back door was fine. No, back door's on fire. Oh, okay. In this scenario, the back door's on fire.

Now you have to run up the stairs. You have to jump on your roof and jump to the other roof like you're in an action movie. It's fine. Our house isn't very secure. We could push a screen out. No big deal. Anyway. we're not guy we tried to fix it ourselves it was bad we're not good at that and so we fit we called a locksmith and uh mustafa came over to fix our doorknob and while he was fixing our doorknob um he told me many things. But my favorite thing was he told me about how he's from Mali.

And he thinks Mali is the best country in the entire world and that everybody should visit. Not right now. He made sure to give that caveat because there's a lot of political unrest at the moment. Not now, but. Not now, but someday. In some future where the political situation in M Molly has calmed down a little bit. He says, you'll never meet a stranger. The food is amazing.

The architecture is really cool. And also, I'm from there. And Molly is the best country in the entire world. He says the grass smells grassier. Grassier grass. Yeah. He loves Molly. And he was telling me all about it. I i'm fucking in i'm me too i was

like well you have bumped molly higher up my list of places i want to go it wasn't really on the list but you have sold me on molly he actually works for a tourism company in Mali. He works for the like the Mali government tourism board or something. He wasn't actually there to fix your lock. He just knows a lot because in Mali, they just know that stuff. They know everything. They just know that everything. They just got it together. My favorite thing he told me was about this ancient mosque. So he told me about the great mosque of Jene, which is in Mali, obviously. And then, and it's like a really, it's really cool looking.

I encourage everybody to Google it. It's the great mosque of Jene, which is spelled D-J-E-N-N-E. And it's this huge building that's actually, he told me it's pretty much completely made out of mud, but it's gorgeous, cool looking. And he also told me that a lot of the structures in Mali are made out of mud because there is a lot of mud available. And it has like temperature control properties that make it actually like really, really cool for living in that region. And he told me that.

So it does look bad-ass. Like it looks, it looks, it does like, I don't know. I don't know how to describe it outside of it was kind of intimidating. Yeah, it does.

It's got like spiky stuff coming out of it. And like these little towers and it definitely looks like it would be hard to invade very there's fucking spikes everywhere unless you were climbing the spikes maybe they are spread kind of far apart i wonder if you could do that if you look at close-ups of some of the towers it doesn't look like those spikes are actually that close together now it kind of looks a, it doesn't look like those spikes are actually that close together. Now it kind of looks a little bit like a tower in Assassin's Creed where you can climb up it. Yeah, and then jump off.

And then jump off. And do a bail of A and be just totally fine. And be totally fine. But he told me that, so this mosque has a creepy origin story, according to Mustafa. And I wanted to tell it to you really quick. Please do. While it's still fresh in my memory. So apparently, this mosque is quite old.

And so the legend goes that when they were building it, it kept collapsing. Like the first few times that they tried to build it, it kept collapsing. collapsing like the first few times that they tried to build it it kept collapsing everybody had no idea what was going on because uh he says that a lot of buildings in mali are made are made of the same material and why was this building not standing up when the others are and he told me that the reason that this mosque uh kept falling was because there are creatures who inhabit that area which he then kind of explained to me are sort of demons but not quite like not not the same way not the same way we would think of demons but but that like otherworldly otherworldly creatures inhabit this area and they demanded a sacrifice i love it and so they sat they uh naturally a virgin of course oh god damn it sacrifice a virgin so the the local the local king obviously you know gives his daughter in sacrifice to build the mosque

they they buried her alive oh my god so she and then shit out of that mosque she haunts shit out of this mosque and then they built the mosque around her and then the structure stayed up and he says that her gravestone is still in the mosque and people like visit it and like leave offerings and pray interesting over it i just thought that was a wild story a poor girl yeah he did tell he did he asked me if it was okay to tell me because he he was like he's like so it does have like kind of an interesting origin story but it is a very sad story is it okay is like are you okay with that like can i tell you a sad story you're like i'm an anthropology major 100 fucking percent i want to know everything please tell you a sad story? You're like, I'm an anthropology major.

100 fucking percent. I want to know everything. Please tell me your sad story. Every single detail. That is really cool and horrible. Yeah. It's kind of cool that, like, her memory still lives on because of that, too. Like.

Yeah, I do. I do like that bit. I mean, that fucking sucks, but if sci-fi have to be buried alive, I want people to remember me forever and leave me present in afterlife. Absolutely. They better honor my name forever and ever and ever. Oh my god, being

buried alive. Fuck that shit. Absolutely. Jesus. No. Yeah, the fine hairs on the back of my neck stood straight up. that shit. Absolutely. No, like, no. Yeah. And like the fine hairs on the back of my neck stood straight up. Oh, what was his name again?

Story. Mustafa. Mustafa. Fuck. Yeah. Awesome. That's exactly the kind of person I want to meet in my life. Whenever I feel like I kind of want to go out and like do something by

myself, but I don't, I tell myself I'm missing out on those potential stories. Remember that one guy, that old guy I met who told me about aliens caused COVID? Yes, you did. You told me about this, man. I talked about this on a bonus episode, but I was literally re-listening to an episode of our podcast at a bar, like in the middle of the day, like at a, you know, like a cute little craft beer bar or whatever, just to be out of the house. And this old, old fucking dude comes up and he like starts trying to talk to me. And I'm like, sure, why not?

Like, what the hell? And he tells me, I know what started COVID. And I was like, oh. And and he tells me i know what started covid and i was like oh and then he told me it was aliens and that they were trying to like destroy the human race and they were gray and they live underground and they've been among us for like years and years and years and he found out when he was in the military, like World War I. Cause he's so fucking old. Anyway. So yeah,

these are the, sometimes it's worth talking to strangers. Strangers have very exciting stories sometimes. Sometimes. That's amazing. Yeah. It was a good time. Then we just,

we talked, we talked about like more stories. We talked about religion a lot. We talked about what makes Molly so great, which apparently is lots of things. So everybody put Molly, you know, at the very least learn where Molly is. And then, you know, keep it in mind as a cool, awesome place to go. Later. After it cal place to go. Later. After it calms down there.

Yeah. I absolutely want to go and try the food. That sounds... It's in Africa. It's kind of close to Nigeria and Ghana. Yeah, it's sort of like in Central West Africa. Yeah. Yeah.

And he says the people there are super nice uh and you'll never meet a stranger and everyone will take great care of you unless you're a virgin unless you're unless you're a virgin unless you're the virgin daughter of a king and they need to build a mosque yeah don't they may not take care of you don't risk it don't risk it most people are pretty safe though maybe we can look that up and tell that story later because that's awesome what stories do you tell strangers when you meet them that's you i strive to be a person who has good stories like that that's a great thing to strive for. I don't know that I tell strangers stories. Yeah. What story do you tell them?

I don't. I normally avoid people. Uh-huh. So I need to start being that person that tells weird tavern stories. Just have like, have one in your back pocket, you know, have one on deck.

Yeah. That's a good one. That's a really good one. Absolutely. I know I've told people fake stories. I tried to make that legend of, so there's a bar in our hometown called The Bear. And I made up some story about how it used to be farmland and now it's haunted by a cow called Black Bessie. Yes, yes.

I tried to make my own local legend. You tried to make it happen. I was very drunk when we came up with this. And I've actually heard other people talk about Black Bessie. I'm not kidding. Oh, it worked. I think not kidding. Like, I think. Oh, it worked. I think it might have stuck a little bit.

I told so many people that story in college. But that I love it. He's not really with the door company. He's just going around telling people about Molly. Like a wandering Molly tourism board representative. Who just happens to know how to fix a door. Anyway. Anyway, yeah.

Anyway, so I wanted to tell you about that because I thought that was a great story. That is a great story. That's way better than my thing. Ha. We do this podcast and I'll always like throughout the week be like, Oh, I'm going to tell, I'm going to talk to Abby about this and this. And then as soon as we start talking, all of that goes out of my brain. I'm like, so what's up? I'm still watching Bob's burgers and falling asleep on my couch for the millionth time. So, uh, but I did have a couple of things.

Awesome. I'm back on Twitter, which may or may not be a mistake. That's a hot take. Spicy. Why? Something happened in the news and I didn't. That's where I get my news is Twitter, I guess. But something happened and I didn't know about it. And instead of like Googling it, I wanted to go to Twitter and like see what people were saying about it. And instead of like Googling it, I wanted to go to Twitter and like see what people were saying

about it. Because it's not just like the news itself. But it's like, it's interesting to see what people are talking about it, I guess. How people are reacting to the news. Yeah. Well, welcome back. Yeah, I didn't still have my username or anything. So I didn't know who I was following. Like I just deleted it completely. Oh, so I just start refollowing was following like I just deleted it completely oh so I had to start refollowing people and I was like not sure it felt very foreign I followed you of course in fairy tale fix you did because I don't see a notification for that hang on oh it's there we're doing it now. Yeah, I still don't have any followers. No one's followed me back, but that's okay. I'm not going to say anything on Twitter ever.

Now Fairytale Fix is following you. I'm never going to say anything on Twitter ever. Well, sometimes I like spying on what people are liking because Twitter will show you. Oh, yeah, that's true. Like, so I think that's fun. PSA. Like, even if you don't say anything exactly yourself, it's fun to see, like, what you're responding to on Twitter. I know.

I've thought about opening our likes on TikTok because we don't post a lot on TikTok, but I feel like I do like some really good stuff. Anyway, we also joined Clapper. We did, did we? That's very tail fixed. It's the exact same thing you're gonna find on tiktok i've always wanted to join a social media app right at the beginning so i can like get in there and like be the expert right away i guess because i usually wait like a year before i join anything ever because i really don't like social media that much. That's fair.

So yeah, we're on Clapper. Whatever. It's like Twitter 2.0. It's honestly right now for my feed. Or I guess my feed is Fairy Tail Fix, but it's like Spanish TikTok. Oh, interesting. Everything is in Spanish.

That's fun. Oh, I was going to tell you I was admiring your nails earlier. I love the Roy G. Biv of your nails. Yeah. I did rainbow because it's finally not fucking raining. Finally. And it's been so cold. I have been absolutely miserable.

I'm a summer baby. And I'm like, can it be 90 degrees yet or just like even even like 70 degrees could it be 68 degrees i understand so i'm manifesting summer through my nails come to me summer oh it's coming oh it's it'll be here damn i can't wait anyway um i also was gonna mention i started watching only murders in the building oh how is that it's so cute i my mom said she really liked it so i assumed i was going to hate it because my mom and i do not like the same shows almost ever except for resident alien is one we like um and it's very cute it's about like a podcast I'm sure everybody already knows what it's about and has seen it I actually don't I I don't know anything about it it's so cute I think Selena Gomez is on it yeah it's Selena Gomez who's adorable Martin Short who's adorable martin short who's fucking phenomenal martin short is such a good actor like

i just adore him he's so good he's got so much energy he's like a true he's like a theater guy like you can see it like bursting out of him yeah martin short's a couple yeah and it's got yeah yeah yeah who's also very cute brilliant um even nathan lane makes a an appearance i love nathan lane right right so good and it's so fun it's so cute i definitely recommend you watch it uh it's they start like a true crime podcast because there's a murder in the in their building and that's what they call it and so I mentioned this earlier a little bit. I feel like I'm going to riot if Karen and Georgia from My Favorite Murder don't cameo in it. Like they have to. They started true crime podcasting. They're the OG. They did. They set the trend.

So I'm like, I just keep expecting them to cameo in it and i want that so better badly like like because there's no there's no there's no conceivable universe where the writers don't know about that podcast right oh they have to cameo in it because they're like the og true crime i'm sure there's others but but i don't know i feel i feel good about saying that they were kind of the the pioneers of true crime podcast in its most popular form right them and like the last podcast on the left i feel like really did a lot of true crime like stuff anyway so i've been watching that and it's really cute oh okay i definitely recommend you watch it it's really fun i'm into that okay because i

i just love martin short so much i fucking love him by the way one quick more shout out before we get started um happy birthday to caroline oh my gosh yes this comes out on her birthday it doesn't come out on her birthday it comes out a little bit after i meant to say happy birthday on her bonus on our bonus episode and i totally forgot because that comes out like the day after or on her birthday but i wanted to give a quick shout out to one of our um wonderful fairy tale fix producers, Caroline. A shout out for her birthday. We love you so.

We love you so much. Like fairy tale fix producers and one of our oldest friends. Oh yeah. Caroline is incredible. And we need to have her on the show at some point too. We do. So I found this story when I was looking for a different story. I think we were doing a random reading and I have this, a book of marvels and magic generously donated by our favorite person on the whole planet, Chris Otto. Chris, we love you. Thank you. Oh my gosh.

And I was like flipping through the pages and found artwork. And the artwork is the only reason that I think the story is piratey. There might not be any pirates in it. Like there might be like one brief mention of pirates and that's it. I have no idea. And that was the drawing that Robin Jacques decided to do? Yeah. So that's why I chose this story um it's not quite as long as the one britney sent us that we'll we'll still probably get back to at some point but we will do it someday i want to okay yeah but today is not this day today is not that day yeah but this story is called the Cock with the Golden Feathers. I'm not going to have an easy time with it this episode.

I'm anticipating rough seas ahead. Rough seas? We also thought it would be fun to make it into a drinking game since it's the pirate episode. So I have a shot glass of rum here. Also look at my shot glass. Oh, I love. Oh my God. I love that glass.

My shot glass. I got it in Fort Bragg. It has real big titties on it. It does. And it's in a little. It's in a little pirate bikini and it even has nipples. Oh my God.

You can feel the nipples. I love it so much. I want one. Those titties are huge. They're so big. I think I got this for Adam last time I was in Fort Bragg. He made me laugh so much. Wow. Well, my

shot glass is super boring by comparison. Mine just has the logo for my husband's job on it. Well, that's cool. Yeah, I did think it was interesting. I thought it was interesting that they did shot glasses as the

company's swag. He works for a counseling center i feel like that's you know any company really yeah unless it's you know for people getting sober yep yep yep yeah or it's like owned by people who don't drink yeah something it would. It wouldn't make sense. Anyway. Anyway. It would be fun to take a drink every time it says something super, super piratey. And we mean a drink,

not a shot. We have made that mistake before. Pirates and drinking just goes together. So we're going to see how that goes. So, um, how did you want to do this? So like,

cause we each have like a separate drink. Like we each have like a, a glass of wine as well. Do we want to take our shots now and then, and then sip? Oh, I like that. Sounds fun.

I think that sounds fun. I'm into it. Okay. Then I'll have to go get I think that sounds fun. I'm into it. Okay. Then I'll have to go get a little bit more drink because I'm almost out of wine. Same. Okay. Let's do it. I love it.

Oh, my God. I'm having so much fun. Let's take a shot and then we'll make our predictions. So wait, what's, what should we cheers to? That's piratey. Arr.

Arr. To Molly, to Mustafa. To Mustafa. Well, Mustafa's Muslim. I don't think Mustafa drinks. He might not appreciate it,

but to the virgin King's daughter, to the, yes, to the virgin King's daughter. May. To the Virgin King's daughter. May she rest in peace. Cheers. R.I.P. I have not just straight up taken a shot of whiskey in a long time.

Oh, my gosh. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Shots are for young people that was a mistake shots are shots are for people in their 20s okay i'm gonna let you go first give me three predictions oh and to be fair for everyone uh for everyone's knowledge i did send a photo of the picture that I saw to Abby. So we are on the same amount of spoilers for this story. We are on the same page.

Wow. It just thundered real hard outside. Ooh, that's spooky. That's such piratey weather. Absolutely. A storm's rolling in. Just pretend you're on a ship and sway back and forth. Okay, give me three predictions for the cock with the golden feathers.

The cock with the golden feathers. Here's the thing. I'm looking at the picture you sent me, the spoiler picture. Yeah. I know. Are you studying it? I'm studying it.

I'm trying. We'll, we'll scribe it real fast. Okay. And I'll post it on our Instagram too. If you want to go look right now, if you want to pause this episode and go like, I'll post it before we start this episode.

So you're on the same page as us but it is like three pirate looking dudes like a captain and two uh what's his name shmuel shmees and two shmees two shmees sneeze sneeze um and they are looking at a they're looking down at like a a king or a prince with like really fancy robes and he looks like stunned and they're all smiling yeah and he looks he looks like he just got hit in the face with something and they're smiling like hey yep or maybe he just had a couple shots of rum and he's never had that before. Maybe. Maybe he's just this because he looks young, you know? Yeah, I bet. I bet he's not. He's either a prince or like he's a lad who is pretending to be a prince. That's my first prediction for this. Yeah. I don't I don't think the protagonist is a prince.

Okay. Protagonist is not a prince. He looks too surprised and that cape does not fit in him so good. Yeah. Oh, and he doesn't have shoes on either. And he's not wearing shoes. So maybe he was previously naked. Mm-hmm. But they all look content and happy.

They look like they're not mad at him or anything. They're like smiling. Yeah. They actually kind of look sort of kindly. Mm-hmm. You know? They're all holding, well, they all have guns. The top one is holding his gun.

I don't know if I'm looking into this way too much. My second prediction is that he will be made to walk the plank. I love it. Made to walk the plank. And my third prediction is that this is going to end up being a princess bride sort of situation. I love that. Where they're going to teach this guy to be the best pirate that ever existed ever. Oh my God. That's what I want. That's what I want. That's so cute. It does. they're going to teach this guy to be the best pirate that ever existed ever oh my god that's

what i want that's what i want that's so cute it does and they have such kind looking faces that i'm i'm hoping this is cute i did not make any predictions about the rooster or the feather all of my predictions were based on that one picture and i'm sure i shall be punished for it but you know what i am going to predict that they are like kindly pirates okay they do they look so kind yeah and they're all bespectacled, you know? Mm-hmm. They look nice. And my other prediction is also based on this photo. I also predict that he was in a shipwreck and they, like, saved him. A shipwreck. Okay.

So, shipwreck and that they, like, they save him and pick him up. I like that. To help him on his journey or whatever. they save him and pick him up like that to help him on his journey or whatever. And my third prediction is not based on the picture, but I'm going to base it on the cock with the golden feathers. And I'm going to guess that the protagonist is on a quest to get to the cock with the golden feathers. Okay.

I think. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like that's a great prediction. Quest to Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like. That's a great prediction. Quest to get the cock. I'm on a quest for cock.

Title the episode. I'm just kidding. I don't think we can do that. Quest for cock. Quest for cock. Oh my gosh. This is so exciting okay

without further ado okay Ruth Manning Sanders the cock with the golden feathers is from Bavaria ooh from Bavaria where is Bavaria I know I'm looking it up the largest

German state by land area oh so uh it's where like munich is which is very far from the ocean so what if there are no pirates in this story that is very far but you know maybe they tell fantastical tales about the ocean okay could that could be the closest ocean is near slovenia or croatia and then or north in the netherlands so yeah um i mean but but i mean like germany germany has a germany has a coast it's true once upon a time and a long, long time ago, two army officers were taken prisoner when fighting in a foreign land. And their orderly, a lad called Bernard, was taken prisoner with them. They weren't badly treated by their captors, but all the same time, you may be sure they longed to go home to their own country. So maybe their home country is Bavaria,

and they're like off on the coast. Yeah. Well, now, one stormy night, when the wind was howling around the tent, where these officers were sleeping, and the rain was drum, drum, drumming on the tent roof, Bernard came tiptoeing in to wake them both by tugging at their sleeves.

Masters, whispered Bernard, the guards have been carousing and are now snoring in a drunken sleep. If you have to- Oh, drink. Drink. That's very piratey behavior. Man, if this is all that's like part of the pirate stuff, I'm going to be really sad. I'm just going to just start drinking my beer like normal.

I'm going to be really sad. I'm just going to just start drinking my beer like normal. Masteries. The guards have been carousing and are now snoring in a drunken sleep. If you have a mind to escape, this is the moment. I have some food here in a bag, and I have relieved the guards of a bottle or two of wine that they were too full up to drink. Piracy.

Piracy. Drink. I should have got something without ice. What were you thinking? I got a rum and coke basically. Nice. Still good. Because I was still feeling pretty piratey.

In less than no time the officers were up and dressed and stealing out into the night. Nothing to be heard in the enemy camp but the howling of the wind and the rattling of the rain. Dense clouds covered the sky, not a glimpse of a moon, not a peep of a star. Walking cautiously yet swiftly, the three men, the two officers, and Bernard were soon clear of the camp and heading north for home. On and on and on. By daybreak, they had put miles between themselves and the enemy. Very fast. And then having eaten

some of the food that Bernard carried, they all three hid in a field of uncut corn and slept. Next night, it's up with them and on again, and it's still raining. And they're soaked through and through and shivering with cold. And it's jog trot, jog trot, running a while to warm themselves, keeping to the fields and byways, stumbling into ditches, scrambling through thorny hedges with their pace getting slower and slower as the weary night wears on. Oh, my goodness. When do the pirates get here? when do the pirates get here i feel like they might have been taken like captive by the pirates and that's all we're ever gonna hear that's no robin jock has a plan he knows he must know we'll see all right go on it's it's a pretty long story so settle in

okay i'm settling in all right all right i'm calming down in this manner they travel for a week or more and still the wind howls and the rain comes pelting down and they're in a very bad way for they have no food left this is some serious like shawshank redemption yeah this is stuff i like it this is a huge bummer this isn't usually how they start. No. But I do like it starts with a prison break. I know. That's pretty exciting. One night, they came into a great forest, and here they ventured to gather sticks and light a fire that they might at least warm themselves and dry their clothes.

Having hung their dripping coats on some bushes near the fire, the two officers sat down and held out their hands to the blaze. One officer yawned, and the other officer yawned. We will sleep for an hour or two whilst our jackets dry, said one officer. Yes, sleep for an hour or two, said the other officer. How good it is to be warm at last. And they both slept. Mistake. God, I feel that's not hard. They deserve this so bad.

I think Bernard deserves this, probably. Oh, yeah, that's probably true. Well, Bernard stood and watched the fire, flinging on more fuel from time to time. The fire was burning bravely, but soon the sticks they had gathered were all used up. Now he must go and seek for more. So he started off among the trees, breaking off a branch here and a branch there until he had a good bundle. But how dark it was. Looking behind him, he could see no gleam of ruddy light. The fire then must have gone out.

He must hurry back. And he did hurry, but in the darkness, he lost his way. And instead of getting back to his sleeping masters, he was going in the opposite direction. And all around him was now black night. Oh,

the tree branch is tossed by the wind, swaying and clashing above his head yes he was lost indeed giving me very scary snow white lost in the woods vibes absolutely it's pitch black but all you can see around you are like animals eyes you know the trees are grabbing you oh my god yeah fucking scary that was a really scary part of that movie that movie was kind of terrifying and it was made for kids the whole thing the whole thing was really scary what to do wait for daylight but see there ahead of him appearing and disappearing among the crowding tree trunks a light stumbling on catching a foot here bumping an elbow there among the ever-crowding trees bernard came at last to a clearing and in the clearing stood a great house with a light streaming from uncurtained windows oh go in there

i would always i would also be okay if baba yaga just showed up out of nowhere. Oh, I think that would be worth several drinks right there. Perhaps here I could get some food, was Bernard's first thought. Beware, beware, you are still an enemy country, was Bernard's second thought. So Bernard is a smart as hell. Yeah, yeah. He's definitely proven that. Yeah. yeah yeah but if i can definitely proven that yeah but if i can get neither light nor food we shall all three presently perish was bernard's third thought

like all three all three of his thoughts we're getting getting the full progression oh wait or maybe he's talking about he's actually probably talking about his officers oh yeah yeah yeah no that's exactly what he's talking about all three of the people that just spoke that's what i was thinking i've had some rum okay amazing i love it maybe this will be the last time i take a shot of rum before we tell the story. Ed, he went up to the door of the house and knocked. Rat-tat-tat-tat. No answer. Rat-tat-tat-tat.

Louder and louder. Still no answer. Try the door handle then. Yes, the door was not lockedernard pushed it open and stepped inside a hall brilliantly lit by hanging lamps anyone at home no answer bernard crosses the hall pushes open another door and comes into a grand room anyone at home no answer b. Bernard goes out of this grand room into another grand room. Anyone at home? I love how you're getting the echo by leaning away from your mic. Thank you.

Very nice. Good touch. I'm feeling it. No answer. Bernard goes out of this grand room into another grand room. Anyone at home? The room is getting progressively bigger. Still no answer. What in the hell is going on? So he goes on from one grand room to another, knocking and calling and getting no answer

till at last he comes into a small cozy kitchen where there's a bright fire burning. And there he draws up a chair to the fire and sits down to warm and dry himself. The warmth made him feel drowsy. He was almost asleep when

Cock-a-doodle-doo! The loud crowing of a cock! Queer! Exclamation mark. The sound was close at hand almost as if the cock was in the room i wanted one of my predictions to be that you wouldn't be able to handle me saying cock so many times that's too easy yeah oh it's too easy a prediction i can't there's a cock in the room all right well it says it says the cock wasn't in the room and that was nonsense bernard crouched closer to the fire yawned and shut his eyes well then just a little snooze just a little snooze. Just a little cock-a-doodle-doo. Loud and close. Oh, wait. Hold on.

Cock-a-doodle-doo. Loud and close. The bird must be in the room. Bernard sprang up and looked about him, looked behind the chair, under the table and the dresser. No, no cock. No cock? No cock. Well, what did he expect? The bird must be outside in the courtyard or on one of the chimneys, and it must be the wind that brought the sound into the room so clearly. But Bernard sat down again, held out his hands to the blaze to be warm, to sleep, to not bother about anything for one damn second. Yeah, he has been working so hard. Cock-a-doodle-doo! Confound the bird? The most certainly

was in the room, but where? Bernard was on his feet again now. The sound seemed to have come from the table, but there was nothing on the table. What about the table drawer then? Bernard pulled open the drawer and there inside sat a cock, but no ordinary cock. Was it battery operated? no for every feather on that cock was of shining gold gold feathers are no

oh okay hold on gold drink oh gold yes also queer and drink equals gay gay pirates pirates queer we got it gold feathers or no a bird was a bird and would make for a meal for his hungry masters and himself i'm sorry really gonna gobble up this golden cock?

Stop it. I can't. Bernard, I can't believe I read that correctly. Bernard snatched a knife out of the drawer with one hand and picked up the cock with the other. And then he all but dropped both the knife and the bird for believe it or not the cock was speaking he just said chicken amazing

what good will it do you to kill me? One little meal and you will be hungry again. But take a feather from my tail and write with it, let there be a good meal here. Wow. So he not only has like golden feathers, but it's like also a pen. Uh-huh. You can pluck one out right with a quill.

In a daze of surprise, Bernard pulled a gold feather out of the conch's tail and wrote on the table, let there be a good meal here. The words glittered gold on the table for a moment and then they disappeared and in place of them came a meal. Meat, bread, wine, cake, fruit. Oh, oh. Now Bernard was gobbling up the food and gulping down wine. I love stories about magic food and like stuff that just like puts food out for you. Yep.

Yeah, I know you do. Drinker of the fairy wine. That's how the fairies are going to get you someday. That's how they're going to get me. Although I have to say this is pretty amazing. I would this would get me yeah yeah 100 and he's like starving and he's so tired this poor guy next the cock stood on the table with his head on one side wait yeah with his head on one side i don't know what means. And watched him out of one bright eye. So I'm imagining like, have you ever seen a rooster?

They're really crazy looking. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Roosters are insane. The one from Moana. Yeah. Just like with his eyeballs sticking out. Except a lot smarter.

You'd better be getting back to your masters now said the cock when bernard had finished eating all i can think of like with the smart like you know this rooster is way smarter and then it just reminds me of like so like the the chicken and moana making all those noises which alan tudyk made all of those noises and i just love that clip i love that clip where like he just finishes making all of these chicken noises then he says i went to julie i went to julie and he always picks the wackiest shit to be in like resident alien alan tiddick is he's so much fun. He's so good. He has fun with life, and I love that. For us and for him. So now this cock is played by Alan Tiddick, by the way. Excellent. Perfect.

As it should be. So he says you better be getting back to your masters. But Bernard is very worried because he is lost as hell right said the cock right w-r-i-t-e let me this is still wrong let me be back in the forest with my masters let them both be sleeping well let their clothes be dry Let the fire be burning cheerily. Let there be food and drink in abundance. Bernard, are you taking notes? That's a tall order. Bernard wrote, and the cock said, now put the feather in your pocket for future use.

Because I'm the best and I'm telling you everything. I am giving you every single instruction. Keep it safely is in italics. And tell no one about it. Tell no one. Oh, no. You and I both know what that means. That means that he's going to tell literally the first person he sees.

Oh, Abby. Every time. What? Hey, Presto. Oh, yay. I drank. We're on a different game now. Hey, Presto.

With the cock's last words ringing in his ears, Bernard found himself back in the forest. The wind had died down and the rain had stopped. The fire was burning brightly and the officer's coats that hung on the bushes were dry. Curled up in front of the fire were the two officers sleeping soundly and on the greensward, a meal was spread. Such a meal as you might never hope to find outside of a king's palace. Wake, wake, my masters, cried Bernard. Wake and see what fortune has brought us. The two officers sat up, rubbed their eyes, and stared from the food to Bernard and back again.

Where and what? they stuttered. Good questions. Where and how? Oh, don't ask, said Bernard. For I may not tell. Call it magic. Call it what you will. But eat now.

Eat. No need to bid them to eat. The officers' mouths were soon too full for them to ask anything. But if they were astonished at the food appearing, they were even more astonished when, after they had finished their meal, every dish and every plate and every wine glass and bottle vanished, leaving no trace. Yes. No cleanup. Love that.

Ugh. It's magic, said one officer. Yes. Magic, said the other officer. Bernard, you rascal. What does it all mean? I know no more than you do, said the other officer. Bernard, you rascal. What does it all mean? I know no more than you do, said Bernard. But we are still an enemy country.

God, Bernard is so smart. Yeah. And I bet he's handsome. And funny. Smart, good people are always handsome in fairy tales. The qualities come together. Always. Always.

Now that you are warm and dry and the storm is over, shouldn't we be hurrying on our way? So they got up and walked through the forest. As they went, Bernard was thinking, day after day, night after night, and still we are an enemy country and still we have a long, weary way to go. Oh, I wish, how I wish that we could all be three home again. Write it down. I know. Like, come on, dude. Scribble on something.

Come on. You don't know how this works yet? Yeah. You were teleported to the middle of the woods. Well, then he remembered the cogs feather. There we go. Okay. Yeah, okay.

And dropping behind his masters on the pretext of getting a pebble out of his boot, he took the feather from his pocket and wrote it on the ground. Let us all three be back in our own country. And what happened? The forest vanished. Hell yeah. Now the three of them were walking along the bank of a river and before them, in the near distance,

rose the roofs and church steeples and towers of a great city. Okay. And, you know, obviously the officer's like, What the fuck? If it were not madness to suppose it, said one officer. I should say that building over yonder was the Tower of London.

It is the Tower of London, cried the other officer. I thought this was a Bavarian story. So maybe it's a Bavarian story about. maybe it's a Bavarian story about about we've heard tell of such a place as London I guess I'm glad we didn't make any predictions based on that me too oh geez they're home in London in this German story

I know and the story's over the end just kidding oh okay there's a lot more I don't think we've gotten to the piratey part yet this is a really long story I know. And the story's over. The end. Just kidding. Oh, okay. There's a lot more. I don't think we've gotten to the piratey part yet. This is a really long story. Okay. So settle in. And now, weariness forgotten, the two officers were running toward the city.

But Bernard was not running. He was standing still and thinking, Surely there's more in life for me than just this humdrum serving of my two masters kind as they are oh hell yeah bernard's like it's starting to crank in his brain i i love this for bernard i have been thinking this entire time like you deserve a promotion like if you have magic, like, maybe think bigger. Mm-hmm. I mean, like, and even before he got magic, he was, like, already taking care of everything. Mm-hmm.

You know? He's got super smart. Yeah. And probably very sexy. Very sexy. He could do better. Who would you cast as Bernard? As Bernard?

Mm-hmm. Well, I guess we've already cast Alan Tudyk as the chicken. I don't know if the chicken is the chicken. I don't know if the cock is making another appearance. Stop saying. Never. I guess I kind of see him as like, um,

weird. Like, I don't know why, but Justin Long popped into my brain. Oh, Justin Long is so cute. Yeah. Someone who's like really cute,

but like, I don't know. Like I could see him, I could see him kind of playing sort of like a, like a servant with like a better, like a bigger destiny sort of role. I don't know. I love that. I was actually gonna say adam scott so i feel like they're they're kind of in the same like i think

they occupy the same niche actor wise yeah yeah i totally get that i love it like kind of yeah like like just like a simple lad to like god but a guy that has, like, bigger things coming ahead. Yeah. Ooh, I love that. So good. Justin Long. Perfect. Good casting.

We got to cast, okay, Steve Martin and Martin Short. Martin Short. Can be the officers. Can be the officers. In our movie. They'd make good comedy out of it, for sure. For sure. So, Bernard's thinking about his life and

obviously he wants something more and now that he's got this golden feather like why not so he took the gold feather from his pocket and wrote with it on a stone let me be where i can find my fortune let me be decently but soberly dressed oh that's not pirate at all uh that's the opposite i think we actually have to, like, I think we have to not take the next drink because that was so not piratey. I don't know.

We have to give up one of our drinks. Yeah. And let me have enough money in my pocket to keep me in food and clothing. And hey, presto, no sooner written than there he was walking through the

streets of a town. But what was most strange was that though the people were speaking in a language he had never heard before, he could both understand what they were saying and could himself speak that language as easily as if it were his native tongue. Nice. Oh, so fun. as easily as if it were his native tongue. Nice. Oh, so fun. Mm-hmm. His clothes had changed too, but he was no longer in his soldier's uniform,

but wearing a dark blue cap and a dark blue gown that reached almost to his heels. In the pocket of the gown was the gold feather, and from a girdle around his waist hung a leather purse well filled with coins of the country. Oh no, said Bernard to himself. It seems that I am a fellow of some importance. That's what you asked for, bro. Oh no. I love it. I love it. And he went into a tavern to get himself a meal. There were several people eating and drinking in the tavern.

And on seeing Bernard, one man nudged another and said, here comes the new doctor to try his hand at curing the princess. I was taking an unsanctioned drink and that was my punishment. I almost did a spit take all over the computer screen. Here comes the doctor. Oh, no. Like, oh, no, indeed. Wow. So apparently his fortune is just being someone else entirely.

Yeah. Yep. Shit. That's rough. Yeah. We have a problem. So apparently they think he's trying to try his hand at curing the princess. And may he have better. Of course he is. Oh yeah. We were waiting for the princess. We were. And may he have better luck than those who have come before him, said the other man. Or we shall all be wearing mourning before the month is out. Oh. Oh, ho, thought Bernard. So that's the idea.

A very sick princess and a doctor to heal her with the help of his golden fat feather. princess and a doctor to heal her with the help of his golden feather. Who literally wrote you in to some other story. Yeah, right? So now we're in a completely different story. I love it. Okay. So is Conk is going to heal the princess. Jesus. Oh my god. Okay, so Bernard goes up to the tavern keeper and says, and how is the princess? Very, very bad, answered the tavern keeper.

And it's getting worse every hour. If your honor can do anything for her, it must be done quickly. It shall be done quickly. I'm still thinking about him healing her with his magic cock feather oh yeah oh i'll help her out and it shall be done quickly said bernard and after he had eaten he he went to the palace and asked to see the king announcing himself as a doctor who had traveled all the way from England to cure the princess. A foreign doctor, said the king. How should you succeed when all the doctors in the country have failed? Xenophobic.

Wait, what? I said xenophobic. Absolutely. Yeah. A foreign doctor. A foreigner. Oh, I can cure her. But she is dying.

Yet I can cure her. Well, I don't believe it. Yet I can cure her, said Bernard again. Oh, oh, cried the king. You doctors with your pills and your better medicines and your this and that. You only make her worse and worse. Oh, my poor darling, let her die in peace. We've been leeching her, which is the tried and true method.

And yet she doesn't seem to be getting any better. You would let her die then, said Bernard, when i can cure her no no cried the king well yes all right you shall see her but if you don't cure her i will have your head yes i will have your head i am sick of you doctors sick of you one and all so bernard was brought into the room where the princess lay in an ivory bed, motionless and with closed eyes. But how beautiful she was. Oh, how beautiful. At the sight of her, Bernard's heart was like to leap out of his body. He made pretense.

Sleeping beauty situation? I hope not. I don't think Ruth Man zenders would ever let that happen she wouldn't do that to us at the oh sorry he made pretense to feel her pulse and he smoothed back the shining hair that fell over her white forehead he took the gold feather from his pocket and wrote on the palm of his hand let me have here a medicine to make the princess just a little better. Just a little? He's smart.

Well, he can't like cure her all at once, right? Like he has to prove his worth. I guess. He has to make it seem like science. Still seems a little shady. And not like magic. See, that came across to me as like super shady but

oh I think it's shady I just think it's smart like yeah you're right there's a difference like it's cause also I think he's doing it so that like you know like he nurses her back to health little by little so that there's time for her to grow attached to him

ugh you smart son of a bitch. You son of a bitch, Justin Long. Oh, I love that for him. Hey, presto.

There in his hand was a vial filled with a sparkling green liquid. Very gently, Bernard put the vial on the princess's lips. The liquid trickled into her mouth and she opened her eyes and smiled the king who was watching gave a gasp of joy bernard carried the vial to the window and turning back and turning his back to the king wrote again with the golden feather on the palm of his hand let me have in my pocket a medicine to make the princess better still. And hey, presto, there in his pocket was a vial filled with a sparkling white liquid.

Very gently, he put the vial to the princess's lips. The liquid trickled into her mouth and she sighed, smiled and sat up. The king was shedding tears of joy. Bernard carried the vial to the window and turning his back to the king, wrote yet a third time with a golden feather on the palm of his hand, Let me have in my pocket a medicine that shall entirely cure the princess. Wait, okay, so, well, now I don't think he's so smart. Well, it's not as shady. It's less shady, that's absolutely true, but But like you're doing it all in one day. Yes. Like in succession. But like why? Why then? Like why

bother doing doing it little by little? You know? Yeah, I don't know. If it's all going to be in one day anyway. That's my question. He's just nervous. He's only had this cock feather for a few days. You know, just a few days ago, he was a captor in the enemy country. So that's true. He's come a long way. This is very true.

Well, Hey, Christo, damn there in his pocket was a vial filled with sparkling, rosy liquid. Bernard carried the vial over to the bed. Drink your Royal Highness, he said, putting the vial to the princess's lips. And she drank.

The princess sprang out of bed and she cried, oh dear Papa, I am well, I'm well. And she flung her arm around the king's neck. How old is she supposed to be? I have no idea. Old enough to be hot. Let's say 18. Yep. The king was sobbing for joy

and waiting women were sobbing for joy and the princess was laughing. Ask what you will, said the king to Bernard, and I will give you dukedom i will make you an earl i will empty my treasury for you i will give you anything anything i am not asking anything your majesty i do not want anything my report is to see the princess cured but oh indeed he did want something but what it's the princess's hand in marriage

isn't it well yeah but that's something what he wanted he dare not ask he wanted the princess herself for he had fallen head over heels in love even though she just woke up for the first she literally just woke up but she's really pretty she's hot and now that i have cured her he said to himself the king will expect me to go away and perhaps i shall never see her again. However, he did see the princess again. He saw her very often for the king insisted that the doctor must have rooms in the palace and visit the princess every day

lest she fall ill again. And... Okay. Yeah, which is fair. That's fair. And so it came about that the princess was soon as much in love with Bernard

as he was with her. Good. Okay. I'm enjoying this a lot more than your usual love at first sight fairy tale. Yeah. Right. Thing. She actually gets the opportunity to get to know him a little.

It's nice. And not while she's sick and just really like happy that somebody is keeping her alive. Right. Now. I'd watch this movie. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. This is really cute so far. Somebody's keeping her alive. Right. I'd watch this movie. Oh, yeah. Hell, yeah. This is really cute so far.

Oh, who's the princess? Oh, that's a good question. Justin Long and... We don't know. It doesn't have to go that deep. Zendaya. Zendaya. I'm thinking... She's probably a little too young for this one. That's what I was thinking.

I've just been like watching a lot of Parks and Rec. So my automatic thought was Leslie Knope. Aubrey Plaza? Oh, yeah. Aubrey Plaza. Perfect. Yeah. I love it.

Okay, done. Aubrey Plaza. Who's the actress that plays Lizzie Knope? Amy Poehler. Amy Poehler. Thank you. I knew it was Amy something and I was like, it's not Amy Adams. Ooh, Amy Adams would be a good one too though.

But yeah, I like Aubrey Plaza. Perfect. Aubrey Plaza. Because then now we can headcanon this princess as like a really dour. Hell yeah. Now the princess had a little pony carriage of her own, and when she said that she felt she was well enough to go driving, the king said, yes, of course, but you must take the doctor with you. So there they were, the princess and Bernard, sitting side

by side in the little pony carriage, all very proper, with an elderly waiting woman sitting in the back seat. Naturally. Driving through the pleasant country lanes in the spring sunshine, with the birds singing in the trees and the flowers blooming in the hedge grows.

Oh, I am so happy, said the princess. And then what did she do? What was that accent? That was a little Robin Hood men in tights. I love it. Oh, Robin Hood, I'm so happy. And then what did she do?

She put one little hand over Bernard's hand and then whispered very low, and I love you so much. Oh, this is so cute. This is romantic. Then I have nothing more to wish for in my life, which is sweet. But now I'm thinking he's going to like throw the cock feather away. Yeah. Yeah.

Or it's going to like lose its potency or something. We'll see. For I love you with my whole heart. And did the waiting woman hear them? Perhaps she did. Perhaps she didn't. At any rate, she was loyal and kept her mouth shut. Yes. Good for her.

She knows what the chaperoning business is all about. So all went merrily for a time, but there came an evening when the king said, My dear little daughter, now that you are well again, we must see about a husband for you. I should like to have a husband, said the princess. Well then, said the king very specific who shall it be the young prince of fairlands oh no papa no cried the princess i don't like the prince of fairlands he's horrid prince tristram of outlands then? Oh no, Papa. He is so ugly. Which is rude, but you know, I mean, I guess.

Rude. Like you like. That's fine. Well, how about the Prince Roderick of the Plains? Oh no, Papa. He's worse still. I love your princess voice. So it went on the king suggesting one suitor after another and the princess finding

fault with them all until the king got vexed and said well who will you have you tiresome girl i will have the one i love, Dr. Bernard. Rubbish, cried the king. Dr. Bernard is all very well and kind and inspired. I am very grateful to him, but as my son-in-law and the heir to my kingdom, no, no, no, my girl, won't do. Certainly will not do. Then I will live and die an old maid said the princess for i will have no other husband i'm changing my accents for these characters a lot i'm sorry

i love it so much i also the i've i've mentally cast the king as well um i'm casting him as hugh grant because hugh grant has entered his cranky old man era hot i'm so for that it's very blustery that's very very perfect i love this casting like this is purely based off of a recent viewing of paddington 2 where he plays the villain i'm seeing this very much as like a slapstick though like yes yes absolutely it's very silly especially if this is still aubrey plaza it's definitely still aubrey plaza oh so good i would watch this movie we still haven't gotten to any pirates i know i'm disappointed but like i believe in it.

I still have like four pages before I get to the pirate picture, though. This is so much longer than I expected. This story is so long. But it's fine. We're having fun. Okay. We're having a great time. You don't have anything to do today, right?

Okay. I don't. Keep it pushing. Then I will live and die an old maid, said the princess. If I will have no other husband, I already said that. Well, there they were at loggerheads. The king got angry and stamped about the room, and he made the princess cry, but she stuck to it.

Bernard she loved, and Bernard she must have as her husband. So at last, the king hit upon what he thought was a cunning device. Very well, said he. Uh-huh. Dr. Bernard is a clever man and he shall marry you if in three days. Oh, here it comes. Oh, yeah. If in three days, he can build a palace fit for you to live in and a palace

finer than my own and the princess ran to Bernard oh papa's cruel cruel she cried he says you can only marry me if in three days you can build a palace finer than this one now I'm getting

a transatlantic accent getting a transatlantic it's getting a little getting a little southern i feel like that'd be really funny in a movie if their accents just constantly changed what shall we do let us run away this minute yes that's what we must do run away and never come back okay never come back i Okay. Never come back. I think it will be best to wait until tomorrow morning, said Bernard. Cheer up, my darling. Go to bed now and sleep happily.

All may yet be well. Haven't you heard it said that the morning is wiser than the evening? Where have we heard it before? Call back? The frog princess. I love that phrase. Another Ruth Manning Sanders. Where have we heard of before? Call back? The frog princess. I love that phrase.

Another Ruth Manning Sanders. Lots of RMS-isms in this one. It's so good. I'm loving this. So the princess kissed him and went to bed and cried herself to sleep. Bernard strolled to the window and looked out. It was a fine night. A full moon was rising in the eastern sky and beyond the palace gardens lay a wide stretch of meadowland ha the very place bernard took the golden feather from his pocket and wrote on the windowsill

where the meadow lies let my palace rise a palace for my love and me a palace beautiful to see a royal palace much more grand than the one in which i stand hey presto there was the palace it's ivory towers in gilded pinnacles glittering in the moonlight oh thank you thank you thank you dear golden cock said bernard putting the feather back in his pocket. My princess has gone to bed crying, but she shall wake laughing. And he too went to bed. The next morning,

what excitement, the whole town abuzz. Have you seen it? The new palace that sprung up in the night? What can it mean? Who built it? It's sorcery. That's what it is.

Yes. Yeah. That's what it is. Yes. Yeah. That's objectively true. But how beautiful puts the king's palace in the shade. That's what it does. The princess is laughing and clapping her hands. The king doesn't know whether to be vexed or pleased, but he hastens now to arrange the wedding of the princess and Bernard. Oh,

I'm glad that he keeps his word. Yeah, that's so weird. You know, and he doesn't invent another task. He's not, like, ready to murder him. Yeah. For the man must be. So far, this is an everybody's behaving very well story. I know. It really is. Everybody.

Yeah. I don't hate anybody in this story. Who's the villain in this story? When are the pirates coming? They'll probably be really nice fellows too. That was my prediction, so I hope so. Well, the man must be a wizard, thought the king. And if I flout him, heaven knows what may happen. Oh, so there's a little fear in there.

That's fair. That's fair. He built a grand palace overnight yeah yeah don't piss that guy off so bernard he has a death note pencil so bernard married the princess and took her to live in his wonderful palace and if ever two people were happy on this earth those two were two were Bernard and the princess. In his great thankfulness, Bernard wrote with a feather that a little pedoga should be built in the palace garden with the likeness of the golden cock above the entranceway. And under one of the golden cock's wings, he hid the golden feather.

It'll be safe there, thinks he. Safer than in my pocket. Sure. For at any time I might drop it. But under the coxwing, it will be secure. Oh, foolish Bernard. It's outside. Didn't the golden cock tell you to keep that feather in your pocket? And what else did the cock say?

Didn't he say? Don't tell no one about it. Anybody. Tell. No one. Tell it. No one. Is he about to tell his bride?

Then what is Bernard thinking about in the joy of his heart when the princess asks him how all this has happened? How he managed to cure her when every other doctor had failed? And by what magic he had built his palace in a night. At first, he won't tell her. He says it is forbidden to tell anyone, but when the princess pouts and says, she is not anyone, but a very special one.

And that married people shouldn't have secrets from one another valid you love her anymore because he looks so grave and stern and oh then the foolish fellow does tell her for how can he resist her pretty coaxing ways that's so fucking good that's exactly what happens or what would happen absolutely but i'm like there are no secrets in a marriage these fairy tale rules are tough y'all if you're if you're well i don't know i feel like that's bad advice being like if you're a significant other really doesn't like, can't tell you something. Uh,

you know, leave it alone. Oh, that's fun. So Bernard goes with the princess to the Padoga and the garden points to the image of the golden cock, takes the feather from under the cock swing and gives it to the princess and says, now right with the feather on under the cock swing and gives it to the princess and says now write with the feather on the ground anything you fancy all excited the princess writes for a

diamond girdle hey presto there is the girdle a glitter around her hell yeah she writes for a pair of slip silver slippers hey presto silver slippers are on her feet heck yeah she writes for a little white fluffy dog and hey presto you are a princess though I'm pretty sure any of these things could have been procured for you in a more normal way she could have written that

with any feather and gotten that she could have scribbled that onto a piece of paper and sent a servant to get any of those items. Maybe like a tiny bit longer, but... Come on.

But I love that she asked for a little white fluffy dog. Yeah. Cute. And there is the little white fluffy dog wagging his bit of a tail and jumping around her oh what fun the princess laughs bernard laughs he takes the feather again and puts it back in

the padoga under the wing of the golden cock this is she's not gonna leave it there i bet the king's gonna find it oh oh i like that that's my and then he's gonna send to send Bernard to the pirates on a shipwreck. Please. Okay. Yes, yes, our secret, says the princess. But can a secret remain a secret once it is told? It seems not. The king was as anxious as the princess was to know how it all came about.

He doesn't like Bernard these days. No, he does not. He is afraid of him and he is jealous. And one morning he tells the princess that she is married a wizard and that he fears for her safety. So then the princess all hot and Bernard's defense tells the king the whole story, but it's a secret. You understand that? Oh, of course. Then the princess, all hot in Bernard's defense, tells the king the whole story.

But it's a secret, Papa. You understand that? Of course, of course, says the king. Do you think I'm going to blab? No, the king is not going to blab. But. No, indeed. No, he's not.

But he does mean to get that gold feather. And get it, he does. Good prediction. Stealing it out at night when Bernard and the princess are sleeping. And what does the king write first with that feather? He writes that his treasury may be stacked with gold. Drink!

Yes! Pirate behavior! Oh, two drinks, stealing and gold. Dead men tell no tales i thought that he was gonna write like write bernard off the show he did too i i feel like that's probably coming i think he's well i don't know the story's so long okay we're almost to the pirate page We're almost to the pirate page. Well, well, let the king have his gold.

Who begrudges him that? When the next he visits his treasury, he will scarcely be able to get into the room for the gold coins that lie piled up everywhere. But what does the king write next? I love, I love. He writes Bernard off the show. I love RMS and the way she writes it's so good. This is what he writes.

Let a storm wind rise and carry Bernard far out to sea. The sea! Drink! The sea! Yes! Whoosh! Here comes the storm wind flinging the padauka to the ground toppling the king over on his back the king will have an aching back for many a day but what matter now he is gloating for see out of a window in bernard's palace a man comes whirling b Bernard himself. Bernard whirling up and away through the wind,

on the storm wind, away and away, until he vanishes in the clouds. Oh, I love this so much. I just, I wrote that a wind should take my son-in-law away. Shh. What a simple king. I want money. I want a storm wind to carry that dude off wherever.

Not my business. None of my business anymore. He's not evil. He's just a grumpy ass old man. It does. It kind of reminds me of the end of Aladdin. Yeah, this is giving me so many Aladdin vibes. Yeah, absolutely. old man. It does. It kind of reminds me of the end of Aladdin. Yeah. This is giving me so many Aladdin vibes.

Yeah, absolutely. I love it. Next morning, the princess woke from an uneasy dream. She turned to tell her dream to Bernard, but where was Bernard? Not lying by her side.

Well, he must've got up early and gone out to watch the sunrise. It was such a beautiful morning. Oh. Oh, she really likes him. She is in bliss. Yeah. Aw.

The princess dressed quickly and went down to breakfast. Still no Bernard. Bad boy. The princess pouted. Does it say bad boy? Bad boy with an exclamation mark. Bad boy. The princess pouted. She didn say bad boy? Bad boy with an exclamation mark. Bad boy. The princess pouted. She didn't like having

breakfast alone. Oh. This girl. I love her. She's so strong. But as the morning went by and Bernard still didn't appear, her vexation changed to anxiety and then her anxiety to panic. She ran to the

king crying, king, crying, Oh, papa, where is Bernard? I can't find him anywhere. Oh, papa, where can he be? I'm frightened. Poo, said the king. Don't doubt the rascals next to you. I always told you it was no good. Now I'm becoming a man underneath you. No, you may be sure I won't come back. And by

then we'll arrange for a more suitable husband for you. No, you may be sure I won't come back. And by then, we'll arrange a more suitable husband for you. He has a big mustache. Oh, absolutely. It's the fluffiest. That's why you can't tell what he's saying completely because there's such a big mustache. The princess gave the king

such a scornful look as almost made him feel ashamed of himself. She went out. This is where Aubrey Plaza's talents get put to the. Fuck yes. Get put to use. She went out into the garden and she was going to the padoga to get the cock's golden feather.

She was going to write with the golden feather. And what she was going to write was this. Please let Bernard come back to me quickly. But when she came to the padoka she found it in ruins she found the image of the old golden cock lying among the rubble and the gold feather was gone from under its wing oh bernard my dear my love hold on i feel like i should go back to an english accent now just swap back it's fine whatever whatever the vibes are like is what you should do oh bernard sorry

oh bernard my dear dear love come back to me oh bernard where are you the princess sat down among the ruins bowed her head in her hands and wept and where was bernard bernard where indeed this is the part i've been waiting for i know bernard was being whirled away over land over sea on the wings of the storm wind the storm wind was having fun with bernard toss him up above the clouds, letting him fall until he was splashed by the waves of the sea, tossing him up again, whirling him over on land, over water, and dropping him at the last deck of a pirate ship to the great amazement of the pirate crew. Cheers. Cheers. Finally. Amazing.

That's why he looks so astonished and doesn't have any shoes on. He was sleeping. He was in bed. But the pirates were a merry lot. They roared with laughter to see Bernard in his ermine-trimmed bed gown, and they stripped him of his gown, dressed him in a ragged shirt and trousers,

and set him to work in the galley. Drink! Yes! He's a handsome, strong fellow, said the pirate chief. All of the men

from our flag means death. Ow, yeah! He got dumped onto the Gentleman Pirates pirate ship. Fuck yeah, he did. But he's a handsome, strong fellow, said the pirate chief. When we reach the Southlands, we'll sell him in the slave market. Oh, wow, okay. That got dark.

Drink! Oh, wow. Okay. That got dark. Drink! Oh, okay. However, that pirate ship never did reach the Southlands. The storm whim repented of the way it had treated Bernard. The storm whim... Oh, it felt bad? The storm feels

bad. I love that so much. That's so cute. The storm is going to be played by sigourney weaver i've just okay i like it okay so the storm wind rushed over the waves of the sea landing them into a frenzy it wrecked the pirate ship and there was there was Bernard clinging to a plank and being washed up on a desert island. Drink! Heck yeah, he's been marooned. That's piratey as hell. To that desert, the storm wind brought up a handsome frigate to take the shelter from the tumult of its raising.

And then the storm wind went on its way, laughing. Because it's Sigourney Weaver, so she's got kind of like a little bit of a crazy laugh. Absolutely, yeah. It's kind of a little crazy, a little raspy. And left the troubled waters to calm down again. So when the handsome frigate was able to sail once more, the captain, this guy. What do you want to do with all that gold, though? more gold to the piles in his treasury. Bro! No imagination this guy. What do you want to do with all that gold though? Like. Hoard it.

Do something. He's like a dragon. Yeah. Dragon daddy. He's like a dragon. Or like a billionaire. Oh like yeah okay. He's gonna go on a rocket ship. He gonna he's gonna build a rocket yep go to the moon uh just in time for bernard to walk through the streets of his city and tell

everybody to dust off the guillotines no he would never do that bernard is too kind i bet no he also likes being rich and being a prince. Let's find out. He wants his princess to keep her head. But the king didn't mean to be caught napping. He had a notion that perhaps Bernard might find his way home again, and he set guards at the city gate to give him news

of everyone who entered. So, when Bernard arrived, the king had him seized and flung into a deep dungeon this is so aladdin no chance of escape no chance of sending word to the princess chained hand fed on bread and water for days for weeks bernard moped in prison the guards were sorry for him but what could they do orders were orders and to disobey orders would be to lose their heads

oh golden feathered cock thought bernard one morning you forbade me to tell anyone of your gift to me i disobeyed you and now i see what comes of it I see what comes of it. Cock-a-doodle-doo. Cock-a-doodle-doo. Oh my God. Came down into the gloomy cell like a ray of light. The cock himself.

The turn of the cock. Cock-a-doodle-doo. Bernard, Bernard, you stupid fellow. Why didn't you keep your mouth shut? Oh, golden cock, don't, don't ab't abrade me golden cock i have been punished enough so you have said the cock and it's your time and it's time your punishment came to an end take another feather from my tail ride it with poo must i tell you what to write no no you need to tell. Do I have to do everything? No, no, you needn't tell me, cried Bernard.

I know what to write well enough. And he took a feather from the cock's tail and wrote, Let me be free from this dungeon. Let me be back with my princess in my own palace. Let the feather that the king stole lose its virtue, and let the king go where he has no more power to do mischief to my princess or me

and hey presto the cock vanished and the dungeon vanished there was Bernard back in his own palace with his dear princess in his arms and there was the king going out barefoot through the city gates and no one knowing him for he was dressed

as a beggar and carried a pack oh okay the king did not return oh but the princess loves her dad i don't know that's kind of sad i know oh okay you know sometimes you have to make hard choices that's the fix is that like the king gains respect for Bernard and then they can like. Mm hmm. Seize the error of his ways. And also like way more pirate stuff. Way more pirate stuff. And the princess needs a name.

Absolutely. The king did not return. Who then was to govern the kingdom? Why, the princess's daughter of course hell yeah yeah in power for i love this once the people crowned her queen and bernard as prince consort helped her to govern wisely but the new oh my god like she's legit the monarch. I thought they were just gonna make him king. I know, that's pretty fucking awesome. I love this story.

But the new queen was not happy. She was worried about the old king, who, though he... RMS is answering all of our questions. I love this. Okay. Who, though he had behaved badly, was after all her father. She sent out messengers to look for him, and after a long search, they found him, ragged, dirty, and oh, so weary, sitting under a tree, washing his feet in a stream. They brought him back, a tired, repentant old fellow, and the queen, his daughter, kissed him and pardoned him and tidied him up and gave him a

little palace of his own to live in so all ended happily the end i love it that was so damn long but very cute oh my gosh my gosh. That was super long. Oh, my God. I think I completely, like, misread how long that was going to be. Oh, my God. But honestly, worth it. That story was so damn good. It was so cute.

And, of course, Ruth Manning Sanders answered all of our questions. Yes. No one answered questions. And, you know, I don't know. Like, do I wish there was more pirate stuff? Sure. I suppose that's my fix. But everything else was literally perfect.

Okay. So points wise, I would say for me, okay, I'll do yours first because you went first protagonist was not a prince correct he was not made to walk the plank but it was a princess bride situation so you got two points was it a princess bride situation oh i brought it i'm i meant i guess i meant princess bride situation in terms of like you know like how in the Princess Bride, Wesley gets kidnapped by the dread pirate Roberts and then gets taught to become a pirate. Oh, yeah. Okay. No, you've only got one point.

Okay. Yeah. Because that's what I meant. So that's I didn't get it. I would say they were not kindly pirates because they were going to sell him into this lake. They were going to sell him. Yeah. He also was not on a shipwreck and he was not on a quest to get the cock.

So I got zero points. There was a shipwreck. Well, didn't the storm wind raise the ship from like. There was a shipwreck, but I predicted that they would find him from a shipwreck. Oh, okay. That's fair. Well, then there you go. But I predicted that they would find him from a shipwrecked. Oh, okay. That's fair. Well, then there you go. Zero points.

It's too bad. That was so cute. And it even had our fix. Well, my fix. I don't know. Like, almost as soon as you were done saying it, the story supplied it. That was fun. That was so long. That was great. Yeah. Yeah. That was a

doozy. Unfortunately, my story is very short. Yeah. I'm stoked. Let's do it. How many predictions did I get? You only get one. It's very short. Okay. Great. It's called Black Bartlemy's Ghost.

And it's a Canadian ghost story from Nova Scotia. Black Bartlemy's Ghost. I did read the very first paragraph, so I'm not using any of that for my predictions. Okay. Because, I mean, as you know, this is a legit pirate ghost story, so we'll be drinking the whole time oh i love it good okay it's i've got this much left okay i also don't have a lot left but that's fine with me because i'm feeling it i think we're good i think we're good um my one prediction is that the pirates get their comeuppance. Okay.

Is that good? Yeah, you can have that one. Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. Oh, and by the way, we said earlier in the show, but I want to thank Brittany once again for sending this our way after we felt sad that we hadn't found any pirate

folktales. Thank you, Brittany. You are the best. We love you. Black Bartlemy was an evil surly buccaneer who murdered his wife and children and went to sea with a band of pirates as nasty as he it's the the bad our flag means death yeah this is um more like how blackbeard actually was and not the cute taika

whitey version he roamed the atlantic coast murdering and pillaging and laying waste to the countryside as he passed. Yeah, he did. Drink! Yeah, he did. Okay, I'm going to stop saying it. Pirate behavior. I won't say it again because I'll just be drinking the whole time. This is all pirate shit.

All of it. You might as well down your entire drink right now. All of it. You might as well down your entire drink right now. By the time he approached Cape Fortue in Nova Scotia, Black Bartlemy had a ship loaded with treasure. 500 chests had he, full of gold and jewels and goblets and mighty swords.

Fuck yeah, he did. Awesome. It's fucking awesome. Yeah. Even though he murdered kids and his wife, which is less awesome. Bloody pirates. Bloody pirates. A thick fog lay over the bay as the ship approached and the treacherous tide

soon took hold of the evil man's ship. The crashing churning waters of the roaring bull, that dangerous ledge of rocks near Cape Fortu, took the pirate ship and smashed its hull. But Captain Bartlemy spotted land to the starboard side of the ship. He and his trusted mate, Ben the Hook. Oh, hell yes. Ben. Hell yes.

Ben the Hook. Had the crew load up the escape boat with every treasure chest they could fit. Then the bold pirate had his first mate murder the other buccaneers that they would not have to share the treasure with them. Damn, this is so pirate-y. Ben the Hook crouched just out of sight in the rocking escape boat and slit each man's throat with his hook as the seamen bent to place his burden in the hold. All right. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Then Ben threw each body over the side of the ship into the churning waters below so that the next pirate would not sense a trap when he came forward with his treasure damn that's hardcore yeah super hardcore now i want the kraken to show up we're pirating right here when the treasure was loaded into the boat bartlemy and ben the hook rode into the calmer waters of the cape they searched for a place to bury their treasure finding a large cave they piled each chest inside and then covered the entrance with rocks and as ben the hook rolled the final boulder into place bartlemy thrust a sword deep into his chest

twisting it with an evil laugh and watched as his mate fell dead at his feet. That's so fucked! I know! Hold on. I want to tell you about my casting for this one. Okay, guess please. Tell me. Who's been the hook? I don't know if you ever saw that show about ghosts with Adam Scott

and Craig Robinson. But that's why I want Black Bartle made it be Craig Robinson. But that's why I want, I want Black Bartleby to be Craig Robinson. And I want Adam Scott to be Ben the Huck. It's called Ghosted? Yes. Okay. Because they were so cute in that show together and it didn't get past

season one. Oh my goodness. I would watch that okay that's hilarious to get back together they could also pirates i feel like they could also make some pointed social commentary about like craig robinson is black bartleby he's so good oh but he kills ben the hook that's also very sad yeah he kills ben the hook black bartlemy's not a very nice man well he's a pirate you know yeah pirate code so back to back to setting the scene bartlemy is standing over ben's corpse laughing an evil laugh knowing that he had to leave this remote spot or starve the evil pirate captain walked along the edge of the water, searching for a town

or a harbor where he might row the escape boat. But Black Bartlemy soon found himself mired in quicksand with no one to save him. That fucking sucks. Your comeuppance? Only the gulls heard his dying curses ringing over the cape

as he sank down and down into the mire and was engulfed. Yeah, I would say he got his comeuppance. Hell yeah. One stormy night, soon after the pirate's death, the keeper of the local lighthouse saw a flare going up in the direction of the roaring bull. going up in the direction of the roaring bull. Thinking it a ship in trouble, the keeper called together a lifeboat crew and launched their boat into the icy waters heading for the roaring bull.

But as they approached the vessel in distress, they saw an ancient galleon with tattered sails. Yeah, they did. Its decks were piled high with treasure chests spilling over with gold. And astride the deck is a solitary man dressed in black. The evil pirate

grinned wickedly down at them, gesturing grandly with his cutlass. As the breakers overwhelmed their boat, the last thing the keeper and the rescuers heard was the sound of Black Bartlemy's ghost laughing. Drink is ghost laughing. Drink for ghost pirate drink.

They say the ghost of black Bartlemy continues to haunt the Cape and the roaring bull to this day. And that any rescue crews summoned to save a vessel off the roaring bull should take every precaution because the distressed vessel might not really be there. Ooh, spooky. The end.

Now I feel like we should just save that for Halloween. I know. This was so good. But what's a little – I mean, you know, it's pirates. We had to do some pirate stuff. The perfect segue. We're going into Mermaid. Hell yes.

Absolutely. It's going to be awesome. That was so good, Brittany. Thank you for sending us that story. Thank you, Brittany. I should mention that this story was retold by someone named S.E. Schlosser. Oh, and it was a... Just to give them credit. Was it a Canadian folktale?

Yes. Nice. Yeah, it's a Nova Scotia ghost story. Oh, that's so good. Perfect. Yeah, send us more stories like that. More of those, please. So fun.

Okay. You got one point for that one. Yeah. Yay. I needed a point. I feel like I am falling very much behind. I think you're falling behind. I think I'm pulling ahead.

Although last time we did this, I got two points, but it was on a bonus episode. That's true. Bonus episodes don't count. They don't count. Not that our regular episodes count much. No. It's like, whose line is

it anyway? The points don't matter. Yep. It's all... Or maybe we'll do something with the points don't matter yep it's all or maybe we'll do something with the points maybe whoever gets the most points gets a prize what would our prize be i don't know we'll think trophy oh we could get some art could get some artwork from one of our favorite fairytale artists. I'll take that. Well, thanks for hanging in there with us and listening to our amazing pirate stories. You know, in fact, I take back my thank you.

You're welcome. If you enjoyed the show, please subscribe and leave us a review on apple or wherever they'll let you leave a review really but apple podcasts uh is the most important place you can also leave us stars on spotify five stars please if you love the show and want to support us in other ways i.e monetarily you can get extra episodes merch books and other bonus content at our patreon by signing up at fairytalefix.cash and you can also find us on literally everything we're on tiktok we're on instagram we're on twitter we're on clapper clapper we might be on mastodon now who can say uh i think we're on. You can find us wherever you

want and you can email us your favorite fairy tales, folklore, nursery rhymes and other such things at info at fairytalefixpod.com And both stories were perfect in every way. They were flawless. And they all lived

happily ever after. The end.