Fairy Tale Fix - 64: Don’t Call Me Ishmael

Episode Date: May 16, 2023

We explore the three types of mermaid in the first #MerMay episode of 2023, with two Filipino folktales from Abbie: The Litao and Serena, and The American and The Sirena. Later, the Ivan Cinematic Universe (ICU) is expanded with the true origin story of the mermaid from Episode One’s The Magic Lake when Kelsey tells the tale of Long John and the Mermaid.

And then we went to like a bird park. We went to the Kuala Lumpur Bird Park, which is like. Oh my gosh. I don't know if you know this about me, Abby, but. Do you like birds, Kelsey? I love birds. Hi! Welcome to Fairy Tale Fix! I'm Kelsey. fairy tale fix. I'm Kelsey. And I'm Abby. And this is the show where ostensibly twice a month,

we read classic fairy tales to each other and then fix them for a modern audience. Kelsey and I have not recorded in about a month. So yeah, it's been over a month. It has been. It has been over a month. It feels new. I've been really nervous all day about this. We have completely lost track of what we're even supposed to do for this thing. It's true. I've read and when I said we were going to do Mermaid, so I got really, really nervous and read literally like a or fairy tales with mermaids in them and just couldn't pick one and have been freaking out about it. So it's great. Everything's great. Everything's great. I'm feeling kind of in a I'm feeling in a sort of similar way. Like at first,

I was really nervous. I didn't even know what book I was going to use. But then I remember that I actually do have a book called book like a mermaids, and it's not even the Ruth Manning Sanders one. Nice. So that means you have one more mermaid book than I'd have. I have one more mermaid book than you do. And it's full of a lot of interesting stuff, but it took me a while to pick a couple that I thought were actually good for the podcast. It's got snippets of ancient poetry in it relating to mermaids. It's got a chunk

of the Odyssey in it. The chunk of the Odyssey where Odysseus makes his men tie him to the mast and then pull his own ears with wax so that he can listen to the siren song without dying. Hell yeah.

That is so yeah. Yeah. That is so cool. Yeah. I don't know. Are you going to tell that story today? It's really short and it's all in verse. I wouldn't be mad about it, honestly. No?

Okay. I remember it. I wouldn't make predictions, but it was very fun. It's a really fun section maybe i'll read a chunk of it or i'll do it on the bonus episode or something oh there you go yeah um it's very it's very short if we end up having a little time today then maybe i'll maybe i'll read a little bit of that because it is very interesting oh yeah i remember really liking that part i definitely have read the odyssey but it was back in high school so 15 ish years ago that's so great that they actually had you read the odyssey i feel

like they didn't have us read any um epic poetry yeah i took uh humanities So it wasn't like English. It was humanities. And they had the Odyssey. It was fun. It was really good. I really liked it. I think, you know, cause I also took humanities,

but I think you and I had different teachers. Yeah. We definitely did. I read, I read a lot of like the, like Shakespeare's tragedies in my humanities class. because that's what our teacher was super into. Yeah. I read a little bit of Shakespeare.

I read Romeo and Juliet at least three different times in different classes. Oh, sure. Because I started at a different high school. We both did. We both did. No, I have also read romeo and juliet like four times like they made us read it they made it i which also i just think i think that's the funniest play to have teenagers read because it's about overdramatic teenagers who think they're in love even though

like it's like okay a of all you're not in love you're just horny like you are out of your mind horny that's still valid but get it still valid but don't don't die don't die over it don't die over it yeah what a weird story to have high schoolers read yeah and yeah like three times i and i fucking hated it every single time i hated that story when i was a kid yeah same i think i've got i think i found more of an appreciation for it as an adult yeah but not me i feel like i hate it just as much that's fair i think because i was that dramatic teenager I probably would have died for a boy. So we're lucky I didn't. We're very lucky. But that's exactly why it's such a weird story to have teenagers read. Give them ideas.

Oh, wow. Yeah, I don't know. Like, I feel like I just didn't understand that story. When I was a teenager. I was a late bloomer in terms of my overall interest in sex and dating. So I read that story and I was like, I don't get it. There's no possible way that this boy is that cute. I don't really remember why I hated it. I think just because I had to read it more than once. And I was like, oh my gosh, again, You know what I really loved in high school was 1984. Yeah, that's a great book. Paranoia shit, that got me. I'm just not a romantic person, I guess.

I just was rolling my eyes the entire time. And then when they're talking about 1984 and Fahrenheit 451. 451. Yeah. That's what it's called, right? Yeah. 451, 413. 1984 and Fahrenheit. Four 51 51. Yeah. That's what it's called, right? Yeah. Four 51,

four 13. I think you're right. I think it's far 51. Um, Michael B. Jordan was in a movie of that. And that's, I have not,

I, I, I have never read Fahrenheit four 51, but I watched the movie starring Michael B. Jordan on a plane once. Like recently, or was it? Yeah. Within the last five years or so. Oh my gosh. I have never seen it. I've never seen it as a movie. I need to watch it. I don't know. I enjoyed it, but that's because I enjoy looking at Michael B. Jordan.

Who doesn't? Like I said, I get Romeo and Juliet now. I get it. I just didn't like it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I think you were focusing on appropriate things. I think Fahrenheit 451 and 1984, they're teaching teenagers the correct lessons about being

suspicious of totalitarian regimes. teaching teenagers the correct lessons about being suspicious of totalitarian regimes. You know, to be really honest, when I was in high school, I had a very, I had a relationship that was trigger warning for suicide, really abusive and based on like someone threatening to kill themselves if I wasn't like with them. So maybe I hated it because it was just giving me, I don't know, maybe it's triggering me a little bit. Yeah. Hitting really close to home. Making me realize how dumb I was being and how dumb they were being based on how dumb the characters were being. I don't know. I feel like I was just living in my own Romeo and Juliet situations. And didn't care to have it being pointed out to you.

Exactly. Shakespeare is wagging his finger at you from like the 15 whatevers. Like dumb kids. Precisely. That's probably it. That's fair. So anything else was just more exciting. Like, oh, I could totally imagine the government watching everything that we do and recording everything that we say because it is and it does.

Yes. And robots are taking over. Have you tried the AI chat bot thing yet? A couple of different times. Yeah. That could write your papers. I'm so glad. I'm glad we didn't have that when I was a kid because like as a teenager in high school or whatever, because I probably would have used it. But like, oh, good. Write a one page paper. Yeah. I mean, here's the this is so this is so funny because we were actually talking about this when i was recording one of my other shows and uh logan who is one of my co-stars on those

on that show and who we're hoping to have on fairy tale fix sometime this summer is a teacher and he was talking about uh chat gpt and how like even even though, you know, it is so well written, but he can tell when his students are using chat GPT to write their papers. He's pretty sure that no one's been able to slip one by him yet, because like if you're if you're using chat gpt to write your paper it's because you're not good at them and you don't like doing it which means that the difference in writing quality is so stark that it's pretty easy to tell that you didn't write this god i love you logan that's so good i want to hear all those stories. Yeah, I want to quiz them about like, so how so how is it being a teacher in the horrifying age of AI technology? Seriously? Why are we talking about this? I don't know your trip.

Weird tangent about robots. Fast forward about chat GPT. and it's and its various uses in business that's why you come on this fairy tale podcast we know tell everybody about your trip i haven't even heard about your trip yet abby okay a couple weeks ago we have not recorded since before she went on her trip to malaysia so did you find the princess? Did you climb the mountain? Were the lemons screaming? Tell me everything. Let's see. No, yes, and no for those questions. I did not find any princesses, but I did climb many stairs up into a cliffside Hindu temple. Incredible. Yeah, I saw the pictures. They were so good.

It was very cool. For those of you who do not follow me on Instagram and have not gotten the story yet, I'm going to repeat it. And Kelsey is just going to have to sit there and listen. I'm excited. This is the real version, too, not just the Instagram caption. Yeah this is the like real version too not just the instagram caption yeah yeah the real the real version of the story um so i so my partner and i went to malaysia for a couple of weeks and we went to kuala lumpur and in kuala lumpur there's uh

so like it's kind of it's an interesting sort of cultural hodgepodge of Malay people, Chinese, ethnic Chinese people and ethnic Indian people. And they who live there. And so you have an interesting religious mix of mosques next to Hindu temples, next to Chinese Buddhist temples and all the sort of varying accoutrement of of those groups all over the place um so one of the temples that we visited was it's called the batu caves and it's on the outskirts of kuala lumpur and it's it's a series of shrines that have been carved into a cave on these like really impressive looking cliffs. And there's this like giant golden statue outside on the front and 490 steps that you climb to get up to the shrine. So you have to be worthy.

Yeah, it felt like it. Like it felt like a trial. Uh-huh. Because it's also so hot there. I don't know why I wasn't like I knew it was going to be hot, but I have also never been to an equatorial rainforest. And so I didn't I was not prepared for it being that hot. Like every time we left humidity. Yeah, it's it was like 94 degrees every day plus 100% humidity. Jesusesus like every time we stepped outside we began to sweat from literally every pore it was it was interesting um but the the cave temple was really cool it's still an active

site of worship so there were people um like there are monks that actually attend the shrines in the caves and people who were actually going there for services and to pray. And, uh, they also let tourists, you know, wander in and flap about as long as, you know,

the quiet, it's very generous. That's very fucking cool. Yeah. Super fucking cool. So it felt, it felt really cool, like really special to be there. It's very generous. That's very fucking cool. Yeah, super fucking cool. So it felt really cool, like really special to be there. And it was so gorgeous because it really kind of feels like a natural cathedral. Like when you just walk into a place and you're just, oh, yes, I definitely see how this feels divine in here.

It was just so beautiful. Lots of interesting wildlife around as well. Like there were bats all over the caves. Tell your monkey story. So many monkeys. There were so many monkeys. There were about as many long-tailed macaques as there were pigeons. Oh, wow.

Yeah. And there were signs everywhere telling you don't harass the monkeys or be wary of the monkeys. They will bite you. Yeah, they will. They're animals. Okay, I just pulled up a picture because I wanted to get the vibe and I love the monkeys and you got a baby. I know. Oh my gosh. I got like, cause they were all over the steps. So as you're climbing, the monkeys are also all like climbing on the steps with you. And so he's giving you the side eye. Everybody go to Abby's Instagram and look at the pictures. Cause there's, yeah, you can go to at Bonanza famine on Instagram if you want to look at the pictures. But I got like a couple of different like mothers with babies um and just just monkeys monkeys everywhere they're so cute yeah they were really cute they were really they were really funny i

also like made sure to absolutely keep my distance from them especially after i saw and this is my favorite story i think it might be a highlight of the entire trip, was I watched a monkey steal a bottle of Coke out of a man's hands. Yeah, you did. We were done admiring the cave temples. We were about to go back down the stairs. And these two men were walking in front of us and were kind of talking and they weren't really paying attention to the fact that this one monkey was just watching, was just tracking that Coke bottle.

And then the monkey ran down the railing and used both of his little hands to grab the Coke bottle. And the man is trying to pull it away but eventually gives up because these monkeys are crazy. That is not the first Coke bottle that monkey has stolen.

Hell no. That monkey loves Coke. Like all of us. Like all of us. Coke is delicious. So the monkey gets the bottle away from the guy and then proceeds to start banging it on the ground so that like coke spills out and then was lapping it up off the ground while this guy is like he it was cartoonish she is waving his fists in the air uh yelling at the monkey while his friend is dying laughing amazing

his friend was dying laughing until eventually he just kind of slapped his friend on the shoulder and just essentially said, let it go. Let it go. It's a monkey. And then his friend, the guy who got the Coke bottle stolen, like he did kind of calm down. He started laughing. And then he started like taking video of the monkey drinking his Coke. Yeah. Amazing. I bet where you see see we're at the top of the stairs he's probably just really thirsty and hot and i was like i was really looking forward to that yep probably i understand why he was upset but you uh can't argue with monkeys no you shouldn't try they win they do so after that we like kept a tighter hold on all of

our stuff um because we already had a tight enough hold on it but like we got extra paranoid like we had bought some snacks from a vendor we like steven swears that one of the monkeys like was making a beeline for the snacks um at one point like steven was just kind of like it's our turn to get mugged it's our turn yep it's gonna it's gonna happen or i guess it didn't but it did not to us but it could happen it could have happened so i think that that was definitely a huge highlight of the trips was both like how gorgeous those caves were and how gorgeous the shrines were um combined with how fucking hilarious it was to watch a monkey steal from someone else so good i love it yeah okay um do you want me to go first you were first this

week but it doesn't either way oh um i'm happy i'm happy to go first? You were first this week, but it doesn't either way. Oh, I'm happy to go first. Okay. Hang on. So first of all, just because I know that if you're anything like me, which is a white American girl who grew up in the american public education system you might not know where the philippines are i do know where the philippines are but that's thanks to my college anthropology class not anything in public school or yeah absolutely i also knew where the philippines where the philippines are already

but if there's one thing that like going to malaysia taught me um because like you know you can look at the map of what you're flying over yeah on the plane i'm like oh that's there like 15 times like just in between toky Kuala Lumpur. I was like, that's where Cambodia is. So nice. You know, I learned so much. I love it. For those of you who don't know where the Philippines are,

which no judgment, if you don't. I don't know. It wasn't taught in schools. Like geography is just not. Yeah. Especially like to some people or to the school system, not to the school system. And especially like most of the,

most of the history and geography of the global East is not really taught in American public schools. So it should be, it should be. It should be. So the Philippines are a island archipelago. Is archipelago the right way to say it? I don't know, but you can look it up if you want to take a minute. I have all day.

I have nothing else going on. I'm pretty sure it's archipelago. Okay. Whatever. Someone can write in if I'm wrong. I'm too lazy. I'm too lazy to Google it. Whatever.

Someone can write in if I'm wrong. I'm too lazy to Google it. It is a island archipelago in the Philippine Sea and the South China Sea. It's, as the South China Sea might tell you, south of China, directly south of Taiwan. And we flew over it to get to Malaysia. So that's generally where it's located. Can I tell you what I know about the Philippines based on like being a very white woman from America in the public school system? Here's basically what I know.

I do know a little bit about their folklore. So I'm going to save that for my predictions, though. Ooh, okay. I'm probably wrong, and I bet I'm even getting the place wrong. But that's not here nor there. Apparently, all I know about the Philippines is that their food is fucking amazing. I had a Filipino kid in my high school class, my high school Spanish class. Is it Spanish?

I can't remember what class it was, but he was like, I don't understand why Americans eat the way they do when they could be eating Filipino food all the time. And he is not wrong. Filipino food is delicious. Yeah.

Filipino food is delicious. That is also my context for the Philippines in general. Yeah. This is delicious that is also my context for filipino for the philippines in general yeah was this is delicious i think that's where the sugar cane is like originally is it found wasn't it i don't know okay yeah india southeast asia new guinea right that's like in the same region. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's like super, yeah, sugar industry of the Philippines. But it was the ninth largest sugar producer in the world and the second largest sugar producer among the Association of Southeast Asian Nations. I'm so impressed that you just like had that fact locked and loaded.

Yeah. Hmm. I'm so impressed that you just like had that fact locked and loaded. The two stories that I'm going to tell are sort of a, you know, a result of the people in the Philippines coming into contact with first the Spanish who occupied the Philippines in like the 1520s until the 1890s. So they were there for quite a long time. It's why it's why so many people from the Philippines have Spanish last names or Spanish first names or, you know. That's why I was wondering, like, was that kid in my class in my Spanish class? But I think it was. Yeah, he probably was. But I'm like, wouldn't he already be speaking Spanish? I don't know. They don't. They don't um they don't

really it's not it's not one of the most popular languages in in the philippines they speak filipino they speak uh tagalog and uh also a lot of people there speak english because after the spanish stopped occupying the philippines you wanna you to hazard a guess of who swooped in then oh man spoiler alert it was us i shouldn't be laughing because it's not funny and it's it's like it's it's deeply wrong and they continue a continued crime that the united states perpetuates on lots of people all over the world this is nervous laughter um but uh so after the spanish uh were ousted from the philippines the u.s government declared military rule in the philippines uh in 1898 god that's not that long ago either nope

anyway this naturally kind of leads to like there there are a lot of local indigenous Filipino stories that got blended up with fairy tales and folklores that the Spanish brought over. And then also got bound up a lot with the different the different stories that Americans brought over with them as well. So it's just a big mishmash. Yeah. Americans brought over with them as well. So it's just a big mishmash. Yeah. So according to my book, which is the Penguin Book of Mermaids, it's the Penguin Classics version, and it's just a collection of stories from all over the world. It says that in the Philippines, stories about the Serena have a colonial origin, that Serena are Spanish mermaids. but they circulate in relation to stories about old time water spirits uh called the kata lita and magandara which are often the guardians of fresh

of fresh water and the surrounding trees so a lot of bamboo in the case of uh the particular being that we're going to be talking about in my story. So something else that I picked up from this introduction is that in Filipino folklore tradition, that there's like the kind of water spirit or mer man that they would be talking about is a Leta and it's generally just males that the concept of there being female mermaids or water spirits was something the Spanish brought with them. Okay. Dang, that's going to ruin my prediction. Well, there you go. I mean, you're welcome for you're welcome for the clue.

Well, no, well, yeah, I guess I guess that does help me not make the prediction I was originally going to make. Yeah, so I'm actually being very generous. Yeah, thank you. I appreciate that. I appreciate the... It's not going to help, but you know. So my first story that I'm going to tell you is called The Lita and Serena. The Lita and Serena.

Okay. How long is this one? Do I get a full three predictions? It's about a page and a half. I'm going to give you two. And then you can have two for the next one as well. Okay. Sounds good. You know, it's funny. I actually read a Spanish mermaid tale, but it was, it was, it was a like female mermaid. I read a lot. I read a lot of mermaid tales recently trying to find one. Okay. So my first prediction will be that Lita and Serena.

Cause that's like, that's too, that's so, I think it's going to be about a merman and a mermaid because the Lita was the merman. And is that too easy of a guess? No, it's not too easy of a guess. So that means it's wrong. Okay, well, I'm sticking with it.

Merman and mermaid. Now I'm going to go off there. It's going to be a love triangle between a merman, a mermaid, and a human. Ooh, sexy. I want it to be sexy. And my third prediction is that someone drowns in this story. Okay. Since you're doing more than one, I got to go crazy with my predictions.

I love it. Okay, tell me. Okay. Long ago, the beautiful Serena lived with her mother by the sea. At the end of the day, she would sit on a rock to comb her long tresses while singing so sweetly. One day, Alita heard her voice and fell in love with this mortal maiden. Oh, she's mortal? Yeah, Serena's a given name. Sorry. It is confusing because the word, I think the Spanish word for mermaid is Serena.

Yeah. It's S-I-R-E-N-A. That's what I thought you were saying. Yeah, it's confusing. But in the story, the girl is named Serena because it means mermaid. I kind of love that though. Yeah. All right.

I think it's pretty. There could still be a love triangle. Could be. all right it's pretty okay there's there could still be a love triangle could be the merman wasted no time expressing his feelings serenading her under the shadows of the moonlight and leaving flowers and treasures at her doorstep oh i love that they're like singing to each other that's yeah serena's mother grew fearful of the deity that sought her daughter's heart and forbade her from leaving the house. That just makes it hotter. I know, as we've discussed. Two weeks went by and Serena grew increasingly bored and angry from being kept indoors.

One morning when her mother was distracted preparing breakfast, she opened the window and noticed a bright object sparkling by the water's edge. bright object sparkling by the water's edge. Ooh. Ooh. Filled with curiosity, she crept outside and saw a diamond the size of a coconut dancing with the waves. God damn. Yeah.

He's serious. He's real serious. These are some serious courtship gifts. As her fingers scarcely touched the waters, a huge bubble enveloped her and transported her to the Littah's palace in the bottom of the sea. Ooh, that's magical. Super magical. When she reached his abode, she gazed upward and saw the sun shimmering like a glorious diadem. A soft voice called her name, and turning her head, she saw a half-fish and half-human creature whose eyes were filled with love and kindness.

Oh, I love it. I know. Isn't it sweet? The fact that her mother disapproves is like so much better. It makes it even more delicious. Such a good romance. He showed her his kingdom, and by the end of the day day serena was in love and agreed to live with him at the bottom of the sea the lita hmm yeah she was yeah she was why wouldn't she be

swayed by you know magic literal magic bubble transportation uh-huh diamonds the size of coconuts yes please yes please the leta explained that she would have to drink a potion mixed with his blood to transform her into an immortal half human and half fish creature like himself however he withheld the dark secret of the price he had to pay for her immortality which would turn him into a mortal after 100 years. Oh, interesting. I was actually going to say, I was wondering if it was like, now she's immortal, but she doesn't have a soul.

No, I was expecting that too, but that's not what came up. It was that in order to make her like him he's forfeiting his immortal life no that's really sweet but they still get 100 years together which is better than nothing yeah they would still get 100 years together but it's one of those things where she doesn't know she she can't know the full scope of what she's agreeing to yeah um because then now she's a mermaid but she can't well yeah and after 100 years like your family's gonna be gone anyway exactly your husband's gonna die in 100 years

she probably would have taken it live on i'm sure there's more to this story. Oh, man. It kind of has echoes of sort of, you know, the end of Lord of the Rings, you know, where Arwen becomes mortal, but she's still going to linger on for several centuries. Uh-huh. Like, just it kind of sounds like it's that sort of like tragic, lonely, lonely romance. Oh, no. Oh, no. sounds like it's that sort of like tragic lonely lonely oh no like oh no i get to be with my lover for 100 years like i normally would have or not even yeah not even try like try 30

i think that's a fair deal and now you're a magical fish being in a yeah exactly i would i would i would drink it too, but he didn't give her the opportunity to make a fully informed choice. Okay, that's fair. That's the problem. Yeah. I get it, I get it.

That's the dark secret. So dark that she's such secret. Anyway, she agrees to take the potion and so piercing his wrist with a silver knife, he prepared the elixir and gave it to Serena to drink. And within a few minutes, her transformation was complete. After sunset, they went up to the surface and visited Serena's grieving mother, who almost fainted from the shock of her daughter's new form. I'm a mermaid now, mother!

Aren't you proud? But seeing their great love for each other, she blessed their union and the sirens lived happily in their underwater paradise for 100 years. Aww. I know. Sweet. And I love that her mom was like, aw,

you kids really love each other. You crazy kids. You crazy kids. And it's done, I guess. Oh, that could be a really cute allegory for like gay marriage. Where like your parents are like scared of it or whatever. And then they see you together and they're like, you know what? I'm okay with you for what you are. Like, oh, this really seems like it makes you happy and a more fulfilled human being

yeah or mer person being now oh that is sweet i do i do like that i love i love our continued like sort of extended metaphor it's like mermaids as a metaphor for queer people i mean it just yeah that's what the little mermaid's all about kind of isn't it yeah literally okay so they live together in their underwater paradise for 100 years their union produced seven beautiful daughters who now live in the various waters of the area on the eve of the hundredth year the litaw whispered in his wife's ear a hundred years with you is better than eternity without you after disclosing his dark secret he spent the rest of the evening consoling his distraught wife

early the next day the merman kissed serena goodbye and swam near the entrance of their home where he turned into a rock she gets a keepsake yeah she at least gets to look at that rock and be like oh there he is my husband oh why are mermaids so tragic and romantic i love it i know it seems like that's every story like if it's not horrifying like into the jaws of the merman yeah or merman rosmer with his long or merman rosmer oh my gosh if you are not a patron you need to go you need to become one and go listen to merman rosmer because it's horrifying it's horrifying and there's no there's nothing in between with mer with mer people stories apparently i know it's either hype girl okay no there's like three categories because there's hype girl mermaids hype girl drunk like oh yeah mermaids tragic romantic mermaids and then like horrifying scary monster mermaids

or a combination of that and we've only seen one drunk girl in the bathroom. More mermaid stories so far. No, we've seen more than one. There was another one that we read pretty recently and it made me think of the three mermaids. Oh, it was actually, it was the little mermaid. It was like the sisters. Yeah, yeah. Her sisters definitely have like drunk girl in the bathroom energy.

Maybe they're the ones who start living off the coast of Italy and start helping out wayward maidens. I think that's a cute idea. I love that idea. Aww. I know. Okay, new headcanon. Their sister dies and they couldn't save her and so they just decide we're moving to Italy.

We're moving to Italy and we're going to help other girls that we can't because we couldn't help our sister oh my goodness okay stop it go on okay i'm almost done now her the lita is a rock he's a rock now serena full of anguish at the loss of her husband went up to the shore and transformed herself into a human. Hearing the sounds of a procession, she walked toward town and followed behind the carriage of the Virgin Mary, walking sorrowfully with tear-filled eyes fixed to the ground. People wondered who the mysterious lady was.

After the procession, a curious few followed the lady with the fish-like odor as she walked toward the river. I actually, I forgot to mention this earlier. In Filipino folklore, merpeople just like have a fishy odor like that humans can smell. I think that's funny. It's one of the ways you can tell

when a merperson is walking among you. I like it. Yeah. That makes sense. I think so. Or you're a fishman but whatever they follow the lady with the fish-like odor as she walked toward the river when she came to the water's edge they surely thought she was going to drown herself they watched in awe as the waters divided into two walls giving her passage to her underwater palace the lit Lita was soon forgotten by all except Serena,

who was forever grateful for the gift of immortality her husband gave her long ago. The end. Aw, that was really sweet. I know. And sad. Really sweet. And I think,

I imagine that if he had given her the choice, she would have still chosen to be with him for 100 years rather than not at all. things um i do not believe that you should lie to your significant other to get them to go along with the thing that you want even if you're pretty sure that they would want it anyway be very sure be explicitly sure yeah so that's my fix oh it's so sweet i loved that i don't know well yeah i have your same fix yeah i still like that i don't have any. Well, yeah, I have your same fix. Yeah. I still like that. I don't know.

It was like a sacrifice. It wasn't like he was keeping like an evil secret. It was like. No. Yeah. It was something bad that was going to happen to him, not something bad that was going to happen to her. And they had seven beautiful daughters. I know.

So at least she won't be alone alone. you know she'll have she'll have their children yeah you know theoretically if she was a good mom maybe they don't talk to her no she sounds lovely is perfect was perfect. That was very sweet. I think so. I don't think you got any points off of that one. I definitely did not. No, zero points. Okay. Okay. Better luck with the second one. Yeah.

I have time to redeem myself. Oh, and you only gave me two points, but I still made – or you only gave me two predictions, but I still made three predictions, by the way. Oh, okay. I didn't mean... I guess you did. I was just on a roll. Okay.

Two predictions this time. This next one is so funny. I think it's so funny anyway. It's called The American and the Serena of Amber Ryan. And Amber Ryan is a river. Okay. and this is serena like the siren it's a the serena so the american and the serena so like s-i-r-e-n-e exactly yes okay yeah calling it the leetal and the serena was very tricky yeah i i realized in retrospect that i should have told you that like Serena is in the given like a given name. It's it's the name of it's a proper name and not a I like that you

didn't even notice. I didn't even didn't occur to me until after you were like, wait. That's funny. Okay, so the American and the Serena. Okay. I'm gonna roll over one of my predictions. Okay, love it. I want someone to drown over one of my predictions. Okay. Love it. I want someone to drown. You said it was funny, so I feel like that's not funny, but I want a spooky scary mermaid story. What can I say? And two, I'm going

to guess you gave me a hint that it was funny. I think it's funny. I think you will also think it's funny we have the same sense of humor yeah it's hard to tell

but I think the writer of the story intended it to be kind of funny gosh I love it okay my second prediction is that there's boning. Someone drowns. I should just say someone dies because what if she eats him?

Boning and getting eaten by a mermaid. Can I change it to just someone dies and someone drowns? Yeah, absolutely. Okay. Someone dies and there's boning and I want both of those to happen in this story. Amazing. This story is about the siren living in the Ambryan River. During the construction of the bridge, which occurred during the American occupation, the chief architectural engineer was an American who made his home near the river. The mermaid had never seen a man with light blonde hair, sky blue eyes and skin that turned into gold from the sun's rays and became obsessed with the young man. Oh, goodness. That's fun.

gold is a very flattering term for the color white people turn in the sun or maybe he's got mediterranean heritage and he does and he actually does tan that is very flattering like that description like i'm not into blondes but that sounds he sounds like a god yeah he sounds he sounds hella fine. So I'll allow it. I'll allow it. Who would you cast? Oh my God. Neil Patrick Harris. Neil Patrick Harris absolutely comes to mind.

Chris Hemsworth comes to mind. Oh, that'd be, yeah, that'd be a good one. Just tall, tan, golden, like blue eyes. Blonde. I don't know why Aaron Eckhart came to came to mind did you ever did you watch um the core i don't know why that's the first thing eckhart thing i can think of oh i know him is uh from thank you for smoking that guy yeah he's a good actor he also played like two-faced in that one. Yes. In The Dark Knight.

Yeah. Yeah. He's good. I like him. He doesn't look like he has blue eyes, but he does have a chiseled chin. He's a very chisely chin. No, he does have blue eyes. They're just not like good pictures that are showcasing that.

Gotcha. Okay. He's handsome. I could see it. I like it. I like a man with a chin butt. Okay, we've decided it's Aaron Eckhart. It's Aaron Eckhart. He's playing the American in this story.

Okay. So the mermaid is obsessed with Aaron Eckhart. And each night she would sit under the window of his bedside singing and inviting him to meet her by the waters of the half-finished bridge. By the end of the week, the mermaid felt insulted and wondered why the object of her desires never came to the water's edge or even acknowledged her presence. That's so relatable. I know.

She's like, I'm right here. I'm right here. Anybody else will be all over this. She must be a leo she's a leo the mermaid was unaware of the fact that the american was very sensitive to foul smells and the rotten fish-like odor permeating from the mermaid's skin made him sick to his stomach, causing him to pass out. Oh, no. They're just too different. They're just too different.

I also wonder if this is like a light dig at Americans for like having really bland, weak food. Probably. for like having really bland, weak food. Probably. And just like not being able to handle strong smells to the point where we just faint dead away. Dude, actually, it makes me think of like the one time Adam and I tried to use fish sauce in a recipe and we about died from how bad it smelled.

This is definitely making fun of Americans for that. Yeah, 100% because fish sauce is good in everything, but the smell is like a lot. I know, I know, I know exactly. I know exactly what you mean. I like eating stuff with fish sauce in the final product, but at a restaurant where I wasn't involved in cooking it. And now my whole kitchen doesn't smell like it yeah so anyway the smell of the smell of like a strong fishy smell will make this man just faint dead away so he's not even awake when she's singing

to him because her strong fishy odor is making him is knocking him out oh my goodness one night determined to find the cause of his fainting spells he tied a bandana to cover his nose and fully loaded his rifle because he's an american oh no i don't like the way this is going. I didn't want her to die. That same evening, the mermaid was intent on making the American her husband. So she changed herself into a human and knocked on his door. Oh, I love her. I know.

She's going and getting what she wants. Mm-hmm. She wants Aaron Eckhart. As we all do. As we all do. As we all do. The American, upon opening the door, was astonished at seeing a beautiful, scantily clad, voluptuous woman with jet black floor-length hair standing at his doorway.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. The mermaid gazed at her paramour, who stood speechless at the magnificent sight before him. She leaned close to plant a kiss on his lips, and the American, who found no harm in accepting a kiss from this particular

maiden, removed his bandana to meet her eager red lips. Oh my. I know. Bon my. I know. Boning. Boning. In less than a second, he knew her to be the vile,

repugnant creature whose odor rendered him unconscious. Oh no. The mermaid, seeing the panic in his eyes, grabbed his legs and tried to drag him toward the water's edge.

You'll get used to it. It's fine. In the middle of their scuffle, he pulled the rifle trigger and the strange woman instantly vanished before the silver bullet could pierce her scaly body. Thank goodness. That's rude. I know. She gets away. Like just because she smells

bad? Yeah. Or is it different? I think otherwise he would have been very happy to be boning he might still have objected to being dragged into the river though yeah i guess the american frightened by this experience quit his position took the first ship back to the united states and never returned to the Philippines. The end. Aw, lame. Really, you're not going to try to make it work for a beautiful

goddess. River goddess. He doesn't deserve her. He needs to go back to America, where he belongs. And eat mayonnaise. And eat all of the Midwestern hot dish that he can get his hands

on. Oh, well, I'm glad she didn't die. I was worried for a second. I know. I was worried about her when I was reading it, too. But I'm glad she got away. I still got zero points. I feel like I got really close there, though. Like, it was one of

those things was about to happen. Mm hmm. I mean, honestly, I think that that might be a amusing fix for the story is if like she had successfully like, well, if she dragged him into the water, but like accidentally drowned him. I think would have been funny. That sounds like real mermaid folklore. Mm-hmm. For sure. Well, now it is my turn to tell you a tale. Oh, my God. I'm so excited.

Okay. And I swear, I feel like – so the story I chose today was from the Book of Mermaids. I did a lot of research and I got really anxious about what story I was going to read. But I kept coming back to this book because there are so many good ones in it. And I feel like I might have read this story to you before,

but you said it didn't sound familiar and I didn't find it in our show notes. Great. It really doesn't. That title does not ring a bell to me. Okay, yeah. The title is Long John and the Mermaid. So if you, for some reason, start to recognize the story, tell me.

But otherwise, it must have been one that I read and decided to go. I think it might have been one I read along with Merman Rosmer and then decided to go with Merman Rosmer instead. Because you were feeling – I remember, like, the day you read the Merman Rosmer one, you were feeling merpeople. Like, you specifically wanted a merperson story. Okay. So we're going to try this one, but for some reason I have a backup story just in case. Okay. So let's see.

Long John and the Mermaid is a Ruth Manning Sanders story, and it says it's from America. I could not find any other information about it. Okay. So that's all I have for you. I'm sorry. I don't have any backstory. Okay. I mean, that's delightfully vague.

Right? It's so vague. Long John definitely is giving me like pirate vibes. So I'm going to guess there is a pirate in this story. Okay. and next prediction my next prediction is the mermaid needs help i love that okay and one more and my third prediction is um long john gets shipwrecked okay long john gets shipwrecked okay those all feel like pretty classic uh mermaid ocean story tropes so i love it yeah we'll see okay once upon a time there was

a foolish little mermaid who lived near an island and she fell in love with a whale long john whale was the whale's name long john is the whale yeah isn't that yeah i've never heard this story okay wow i can't believe i haven't told you this yet because i definitely have read it long john is the whale i am so excited to tell you this story wow okay okay yeah mermaid oh my god whale tell me tell me the little mermaid's father said my dear child do be sensible a whale is no fit husband for you he's a whale and a little love is love okay abby yeah that's fair you know i i stand corrected and the little mermaid's mother said you ought to be ashamed of yourself making eyes at Long John.

Where's your pride? Anyone can see he doesn't care two pence about you. And that was true. He didn't. But there she was, always chasing after him between the island and the mainland and offering him kelp cakes and fish pies. She's got it bad.

She's got it bad for this whale. Bad, bad, bad. Oh my god. Every single mermaid story is about forbidden queer love. Yeah, it is. Unless it's

about helping a poor human that's queer. So, there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're allies. Long John took the kelp cakes and fish pies, and when he had eaten them, he blew bubbles at her, gave a flick of his great tail, and with a wink of his little eye and a chuckle in his fat throat, whoosh, down he dived under the island and came up laughing on the far side. Tease. He's a fuck boy whale. Uh-huh.

Oh, my God, this fuck boy whale. Give me a ride on your back, Long John, cried the little mermaid swimming around the island after him. But whoosh, down went Long John under the island again and came up laughing and blowing bubbles on the near side. So then the little mermaid made a green weed harness to bridle Long John. Oh, okay. Of course, there's a picture of this, by the way. Oh my god. But he wouldn't stop still to be bridled, so she bribed all the crabs and lobsters that lived in the island pools to sit on Long John's tails and hold him still. Oh my god now they were very angry

and told the little mermaid just what they thought of her and that made her cry oh honey then she made up doleful songs about long john and how much she loved him and she sang those songs night and day and what with her singing and her howling she made herself such a nuisance that all the other mermaids and crabs and the lobsters and the fishes and everything that lived in the sea kept out of her way and she was very lonely forbidden love and teen angst now we're just waiting for the fucked upness oh my god it's coming no please no she seems like a sweet girl so by and by she got so that she didn't love long john anymore she hated him yeah but love him or hate him it made no difference to long john he went on like most fuckboys. Because Long John sucks.

Blowing bubbles and chuckling whenever he met her. He's such a goddamn tease. Why do I kind of love Long John? Well, I mean, the blowing bubbles thing is like. He's an unbothered king. He's really unbothered, yes. There is only one. There was only one person in the sea or on the land that long john respected

just one just the one can you guess who this might be oh my god um long john only respects who would a whale respect i'm trying to think a bigger whale a sea turtle oh that would have been really good oh no this is the great whale hunter oh oh okay and that great whale hunter's name is ichabod paddock who lived on the coast opposite the island not ishmael it should have been ishmael huh it says ichabod i don't know where this story originates but ishmael would have been way better this is whitewashed story probably well isn't that the name of the main character in moby dick oh i don't know i thought you were just doing like an indigenous name oh no i've never read moby dick neither have i but i've i've heard it referenced enough captain yeah yeah you're right ishmael ahab okay yeah captain ahab is the is the guy that's like

obsessed with catching moby no his name should have been queequeg queequeg indigenous person oh with the polynesian queequeg i Indigenous person. Oh, the Polynesian Queequeg. I only know that on culture, pop culture references. I've never read Moby Dick. I only like it's kind of like Star Wars. Like I know the story, but not all the details based on how popular anyway. Yeah. Like the stuff is just kind of in the water in general.

But like that's the only reason I know that it's like Captain Ahab or Ishmael or whatever. Nice. I've never read it. Yeah, Ichabod Paddock sounds Irish to me. It does. Okay, but the point is it's not Captain Ahab. It's not. It was Ichabod Paddock, who had been the death of many a great whale, though he hadn't been the death of Long John yet.

Long John had a shuddery feeling down his spine that one day he might be. So when the foolish little mermaid began to hate Long John and wanted her revenge on him, she thought of Ichabod Paddock. Oh no, girl, don't do it.

Just because he didn't want you doesn't mean he deserves to die. I don't know. One quiet evening, Ichabod was sitting on a rock by the sea, smoking his pipe and thinking his thoughts, when he heard a ripple ripple and saw a silvery sparkle on the calm water. And then he saw a gleaming head on a white arm, and there was the little mermaid hailing him. Oh, my God. How do you do, said Ichabod. All chill as hell, like, oh, yeah, just a mermaid.

Hey. The mermaid said, evening, Ichabod. Do you see what I'm holding in my hand? Looks like a rope of pearls, said Ichabod. It is a rope of pearls, said the little mermaid. You're so smart. You're so smart and twirling my hair. Yeah, yeah.

So smart and so handsome. It's a gift to the man who will kill Long John. And will that man be you, Ichabod? I don't care about pearls myself, said Ichabod. Then diamonds? Don't care much about diamonds either. Then a chest full of treasure. I'm not that greedy.

Then my love? Now, don't be silly, said Ichabod. I'll own your pretty, but what should I do with a wife that's got a tail? I talk to mermaids every day. So this is a totally normal conversation for me. What am I supposed to do with a wife with a tail? I love that.

That's funny. Ichabod sounds so sensible or he's so serial killer, like intensely bloodthirsty about whales that nothing else matters to him he doesn't give a fuck he's like whales are his special interest he's like i was planning and doing it anyway but what are you gonna give me yeah i guess i could bump him up higher on my priority list so she's still trying to get him she's trying to figure out what's gonna like get his goat what's gonna like what's gonna make him what's gonna pique his interest uh-huh uh-huh nothing that i knows of says ichabod then i think you're horrid said the little mermaid and i'll haunt you day and night and she did she used to climb up the rocks and sit under his bedroom window and howl doleful songs all night.

And when he was at sea, she got under the boat and rocked it so hard that it nearly foundered. I respect this mermaid. I feel like everyone's behaving badly in this story. Yes. It's definitely one of those. Oh my God. And she became such a nuisance that one day Ichabod said, Now see here, my girl, I'm a peaceable man and I like my quiet, so you can take a message to Long John from me.

Tell him that Ichabod Paddock will never draw a harpoon against him. If so be as he'll let you bridle him and ride you once around the great cape. The great cape was the prom promontory on which Ichabod Paddock lived. Okay. The little mermaid was delighted. She swam off to find Long John and give him Ichabod's message. She thought that once she got the bridle on him, she could do what she liked with him. She is a silly, silly girl.

I take it back. I don't respect her as much. And Long John was delighted too. For now, he thought he would never get that shivery feeling down his spine again. So Long John let the little mermaid put her green weed bridle on him, and she climbed onto his head and sat there in triumph, with her green hair rippling and her silver scales all aglitter. The crabs and lobsters crowded round to watch. Long John gave them a wink, and off he went.

Up and along the coast he swam, tame as any shrimp. Now and then he tacked, tending he was a frigate. The little mermaid sang happy songs and told Long John to join in the chorus, but he wouldn't. He said he must save his breath for swimming and blowing bubbles. They were rainbow bubbles he blew, of course. Naturally. The bubbles were floating around them in showers all along the surface of the waves and the little mermaid laughed and said how pretty oh my god she's giddy

as hell right now yeah how would you like to like be in love with someone and also really want to ride them ride them yeah like ride them like a horse. Like some kind of steed. You let her ride you one time. Uh-huh. So there they were tacking around the great cape, and Ichabod Paddock was standing on a cliff to watch them. He could see the little mermaid's green hair waving like a flag in the breeze and her silver scales glittering and Long John's great mouth a grin and his little eyes winking.

And the rainbow bubbles were floating up and breaking against Ichabod's knees. And then he saw Long John make a tack way out to the sea and turn and take a dive and swim underwater. And underwater, he came swimming straight toward the shore again. And underwater, he came swimming straight toward the shore again. And when he was close in the shore, he came up and spouted. Up, up, up went the spout. And up, up, up, astride of it went the little mermaid. Oh, why were you sitting on the spout, girl?

Wee! She lost her grip of the green weed bridle she went sailing over the land higher and higher and farther and farther from the sea over the cliff she sailed he fucking lost her space over the cliff she sailed and over the dunes and over the roofs of a little town, the people looked up and saw the whole sky above them, a glitter with a water spout, and on top of the spout, they saw what looked like a silver splinter. And then, mind your heads, for the water spout was coming down again. Some of it fell in rain over the town, but the most of it sailed on and fell into a great lake.

Splash! The little mermaid fell into the lake and down she went, down to the very bottom. Oh no! And in that lake, the little mermaid had to stay, for you can't walk far on a tail.

And no one came to carry her back over the land to the sea. Because she was kind of a bitch. Nobody wanted her back, and that was the truth of it. They left her to sing her doleful songs to the sun and the moon and the stars, who were too busy shining to bother about her. As to Long John, he gave a wink to Ichabod Paddock and swam back to the island. The crabs and the lobsters helped him off with the greenweed bridle and tore it to pieces with their claws. Oh my god! feeling just a bit grateful to her because after all he was safe forever now from ichabod's harpoon

the end oh my god isn't that fucked that was so fucked up everyone is such a piece of shit in that story i feel like so bad for her but at the same time i don't i don't know i don't like i mean i don't feel bad for her like i i feel i feel like so bad for her, but at the same time, I don't. I don't know. I don't. Like, I mean, I don't feel bad for her. Like, I feel like the punishment she got might have been a little harsher than the crime. But at the same time, she was going to hire this man to kill the whale just because the whale didn't want to be her husband. I know.

Like, get over it. Maybe I think she belongs by herself where she can't hurt other people oh i think it's sad it's like truth is no one wanted her back no one wanted her back oh wow i don't know do you get so there was no pirate no shipwreck no shipwreck but does the mermaid need help i mean she needs help but i don't think she needs help the way i meant it like she needs to get a grip and she needs to go to therapy but she needs she needs her mermaid sisters to hype her up yeah she does um she thought that story was so funny that's so funny she i mean she needs help now she needs someone to come get her i don't think i got points though because i was i was thinking it was like a mermaid that would like like that would

give some guy named long john a quest i did not expect it was the mermaids in love with some whale i know isn't that cute i love the idea of mermaids in love with some whale named Long John. I know, isn't that cute? I love the idea of a mermaid being in love with a whale and he's just like blowing bubbles out or like Yeah, he's not interested. Oh gosh. Oh my goodness. That was so funny. I think my

I don't have a real fix but I am continually amused by the idea that maybe he launched her into space. I agree. That's too funny. Instead of falling in the lake, she becomes a star. Yeah. She's glittering in the sky.

She can just be shiny and pretty up there. No one knows what really happened to her. Uh-huh. Oh, poor oh poor poor i don't know she's not that poor she was gonna have him killed that was she was gonna have him killed and or like keep him like i don't know it's essentially kind of keep him as a slave forever because she was gonna put a bridle on him and like ride him around and not let him go girl you need to calm down get a grip

my fix is that some other lake mermaids that she's not alone in the lake and there's other lake mermaids that I don't know hype her up and then she goes she doesn't need a man yeah and like or like not other mermaids that maybe she like makes friends with the other creatures that live in the lake and and she has her like simba moment right where it's like she

she learns she learns about hakuna matata or whatever and timon and timon and pumbaa are just too like bass fish yeah whatever like the freshwater equivalent blue eagles or whatever yeah exactly um and she and she learns to like chill the fuck out i love it perfect and becomes a better person and doesn't need to move back to the sea because like she's she's found out she's she's become a better version of herself oh and then she becomes the mermaid from the magic lake where she's like this scary mermaid that yes oh i like that better instead of like becoming good with herself, she just starts stealing human men. Yes.

And she has her underwater lake garden thing. Yep. And that explains why she lives down there alone. Oh, love it. Canon. Canon. We're adding it to the Ivan cinematic universe of like all of these different like connected mermaid stories. Oh, that's so good.

I love that. That is the origin story for the mermaid from the Magic Lake, which is like episode one or two of this. It was episode two. Oh, my gosh. Or something. It might have been one. I don't remember. It might have been one.

I think it was episode one. Oh, my gosh. Wait, I can like I have the show notes up right now. Episode one. Yeah, Bluebeard and the Magic Lake. Man, we started off strong. We did. Two great stories. Oh my gosh. It's only gone downhill from there.

Did you hear? Okay, I only know this because Katrina from the Fairy Tellers because they follow them on, or we follow them on Instagram and apparently she said that they are planning to do a Disney version of Bluebeard. That's all I know. She posted like a TikTok and I couldn't watch it with sound because I think it was at work or something. Yeah.

Huh. So we'll talk about that next episode, maybe if I find more information. But like. Yeah, we should look up. We we should look into because like i mean how yeah how would you do that that's that's what katrina was asking she was like is it going to be blue bluebirds the hero is it going to be less murdery is it going to be true to the tale like yeah i mean because i guess i mean you know they've done there are a lot of pretty fucked up fairy guess i mean you know they've done there are a lot of pretty fucked up fairy tale i mean you know it's kind of the entire origin story of why we wanted to do this podcast is there are a lot of real fucked up stories out there that disney has

somehow made into adorable children's films yeah i don't know anything about it like is it going to be live action a cartoon 3D like I don't know are they going to make it more like Fitcher's Bird where yeah it's actually a brave girl who goes and like rescues her sisters from a bad man oh I bet that's it I bet that makes

because it's essentially the same story it's just personally like I like it better because it's you know yeah fitcher's bird would be more like i could see that being remade a little bit better than just blue beard but what if they made blue beard like the hero and that people don't like him because he's different and has a blue beard i don't know that would be the disney take i guess and then like it's a woman who's afraid to marry him because she's he's got like a bad reputation but then it turns out he's actually

really it's like a beauty and the beast situation i guess i don't know we're gonna find out we're gonna have to look into that we'll have to get more information anyway yeah that's all i that's the only way i know is i saw it on instagram for half a second on a story so i have zero facts maybe they're not actually doing that at all but i hope they are because that'd be fun me too i just want to see how they do it i'm so curious yeah okay well that's going to uh do it us today, unless you have something else. No. Kelsey. Oh my god. I'm like, I'm thinking about I'm just I'm thinking about Bluebeard. I want to I want to Google stuff now, like as soon as we get off this call.

Thank you, everyone so much for listening to fairy tale fix, and also being patient with us while we sort of get caught back up after me leaving for you know parts far far away uh yeah we just we really appreciate you and your patience uh if you enjoy the show which of course you do please subscribe and leave us a review on appler stitcher if you love the show and want to support us you can get extra episodes merch books other bonus content at our Patreon by signing up at fairytalefix.cash for about what you'd pay for a latte a month. You can find us on Twitter and Instagram at fairytalefixpod. And you can email us anything you like, fairy tales, folklore, nursery rhymes, etc. at info at fairytalefixpod.com. And so the Lita told Serena the entire truth so she could make a truly informed decision. And because she loved him, she made the same one that she made in the original story.

And they had a beautiful 100 years and seven gorgeous children together. So sweet. Yeah. Yeah. And the foolish little mermaid was the origin story for the evil mermaid in the magic lake where she just steals men and keeps them as basically slaves. Underwater. Into her underwater lake garden. And they all lived happily ever after.

The end. The end.