Fairy Tale Fix - 66: Yes, Even You

Episode Date: June 13, 2023

We decided to treat ourselves, and you, to some truly WTF stories to kick this Pride Month off! Abbie tells the Swedish tale of Prince Lindworm, a guy you're totally on board with, until you're very not. Kelsey follows up with a cautionary tale about believing too much in your dreams, The Daydreamer, and then the pièce de résistance of our episode: the Wintu story of the Rolling Head. You will be uncomfortable. And that's by design.

And this is take two of episode 56. Take two of six. Oh, that's devil's numbers. It is. It's a cursed recording already. It comes out on 613. It does. It's very cursed.

This is a cursed episode, but it's going to have some good stuff in it, I think. Hello! Welcome to Fairytale Fix, a what-the-fuck fairytale podcast. I'm your host, Kelsey. And I'm Abby. It's a what-the-fuck fairytale podcast because when we read these fairytales to each other, we often say, what the fuck fairy tale podcast because when we read these fairy tales to each other we often say what the fuck and uh oh boy i i think i've i think i've got a humdinger of a of a what the fuck moment oh i'm so excited for us today i'm also i'm also super excited but first of all happy happy pride month kelsey happy Happy Pride Month. Go us. Cheers. Cheers to Pride Month for all the girls, gays, and theys.

Exclusively. Cheers to all of us. And no one else. 100%. Oh my gosh. Do you have any plans to celebrate this month? Really taking it easy on myself. I think that's such a good idea. I love that. Thank you. Especially for you. Abby's been going through it, y'all. I know this is kind of behind the scenes stuff, but Abby's been doing a lot more editing, a lot more just work. A lot of work. And I appreciate her so much thank you yeah um I'm just going to go super easy on

myself I'm going to treat myself to things I like uh I may might walk in the pride parade again this year maybe if I feel like it yeah only if you feel like it but if you feel like it. Yeah, only if you feel like it. But if you feel like it, you got to go all in. Obviously. Hell yeah. I might buy myself some rainbow accessories. Yes. It's going to be delightful.

It's going to be a good June. I will. How are you going to celebrate? I'm just in such a place right now that I don't want to celebrate for a long time. I think, I don't know if I told you this, but like a couple weekends ago, I celebrated, I partied a little too hard and got into a very, I did like some drunk karaoke and embarrassed

myself. Oh, you did not tell me about this. Yeah, it was very embarrassed, mostly because I was drunk. And then I woke up and was like, well, you know, who cares? But I partied a little too hard. I partied too close to the sun. I got burned. So I'm in a place now where I don't want to party at all. I don't I feel like I don't ever want to leave my house ever again. I think this is a temporary, but that is my mood. Okay. I mean, honestly, in my choice of stories. I was so excited to get there in a place. Honestly, Kelsey, fucking mood though. I don't ever want to leave my house again. I don't want to talk to anyone.

Oh, my God. Actually, your sibling's partner had a post once. Pookie. I don't know if I can say their name out loud. Yeah. I think I've told people about Pookie. We've talked about Pookie on the podcast before. Pookie had just

the most vibe post at one point this was a long time ago but it was like like you know what fuck everyone and if you think I don't mean you I mean fuck you too and I was like I feel that so hard and I was just like

Pookie I worship you for that I don't know if they listen at all but like I felt that in every fiber of my being just like if you think I don't mean you I also mean I actually do and I

think about that all the time I'm not usually in that mood either but just and I think about that all the time. I'm not usually in that mood either, but just lately, a little bit, a little bit. Mm-hmm. Whole ass vibe. Just tired, I guess. I don't know.

Like I said, I party too hard, got too hungover, too excited, and I got burned and embarrassed and like you know what fuck everybody can i ask you what you sang yeah i sang heart-shaped box by nirvana like amy lee's but i was the evanescence arrangement yes but like super drunk i don't remember a lot of it i couldn't hear myself myself. But I do. What was so embarrassing was the person running karaoke. I felt like I did okay. I was pretty proud and it was I felt like I had a good time. I was actually so nervous that a couple other girls came up and sang with me,

which was really nice. So sweet. But then the person running karaoke was like, she's had a few drinks y'all and that's all i remember and i think i blacked out from embarrassment because i was like did i do that bad oh that's so mean i was like i don't know what happened maybe i i don't know but i felt that was very uncalled for absolutely i was embarrassed. And I felt maybe it was because I was just so like drunk and ashamed. But like, I felt like no one was talking to me after that. And I like, left immediately. I was just like, Oh my god, I have to get out of here. I probably cried a lot. I can't remember. But probably. No. Oh, yeah, no, that's, that's deeply uncool, especially when the point of karaoke

is to get plastered and try to sing a song like it was literally 10 o'clock on a Saturday. Hell yeah. I had been drinking since I think four. It was a party day. Okay, tell me a fairy tale, please. This is take three. Take three. Of our cursed episode. It's the cursed episode. Kelsey and I have been having

dramatic issues today. But it's great because now I'm going to tell you a story called Prince Lindworm and it's from Sweden. Excellent. Okay. My first prediction is that this prince is not cool. Ooh. My second prediction is that the protagonist is extremely selfish. Okay. I love that.

And my third prediction is that there are no redeeming qualities in anyone in the whole story. I love this mood that you're in. So you think the story is cursed? I just think I think everyone's going to be awful. That's because that's my experience, I guess. Man, please tell me the story. Please prove me wrong. Fuck everyone, especially you.

Yes, even you. All right, here we go. i think you'll enjoy this once upon a time a king and queen were very sad because they had no children super typical fairy tale opening yeah and early on a spring morning the queen went walking in the garden the birds were singing and the rabbits were playing on the grass ah me thought the queen in the bird's nest there are young ones and in the garden. The birds were singing and the rabbits were playing on the grass. Ah me, thought the queen. In the birds' nests there are young ones and in the rabbit burrows there are babies, but in the palace there are

none. And she wept. Selfish. So far I'm right. Only thinking about herself. Then there came to her a little old fairy woman who said, Queen, dry your eyes. I know your sorrow and I can help you.

You wish for a son? Well, if you do as I tell you, you shall have not only one son, but two. Is it going to be a tatterhead situation where one's... It's a bit of a tatterhead situation. Okay. You shall see. When you go to bed tonight, have set in your room a bath filled with clear spring water when you have taken your bath you will find lying beside it two fruits

these you must peel and eat and in the fullness of time you shall have twin babies but remember to peel the fruits before you eat them that's important oh my god yeah she's not gonna do that she's just gonna eat the whole peel you always peel the banana first not who eats the peel this queen chomp chomp those pregnancy cravings the pre-prep the pre-pregnancy cravings sorry i guess that's a good point so the queen does just as the fairy tells her. The bath is prepared.

She bathes. And sure enough, when she steps out of the bath, there lying on the carpet are two pearly colored fruits of a kind she had never seen before. And of course, she gets so excited, she doesn't even wait to dry herself off. She quickly picks up one fruit and eats it. And it tasted delicious. to dry herself off, she quickly picks up one fruit and eats it. Mm-hmm. And it tasted delicious, but oh no, in her haste,

she had forgotten to peel it. You dumb bitch. Well there, what difference could it make? Yeah. I mean, if a fairy tells you

to do something, do it. Do it that way. Uh-huh. Does that just mean she's going to have an ugly son? Ooh, is she going to give birth to an animal?

That'd be funny. Hmm. She picks up the second fruit, and she does peel that one. So as she's peeling it, she finds that the fruit had seven skins. All of these skins she peeled off before she ate the fruit. What kind of fruit is she eating? What kind of fruit is she eating? What kind of fruit is she eating? Onion fruit.

So she doesn't know which is the skin? It is silvery in color. So, I don't know. She is peeling garlic and eating a fruit. Oh my God. So the second fruit tasted just as delicious as the first one and she dried herself off and went to bed warm and happy and she dreamed of the two little sons the old fairy had promised the loveliest babies in the world they were that the queen dreamed of but alas alas when the months had passed and the queen gave birth

the first thing she brought into the world was a hideous lindworm, which is a kind of serpent. Hmm. Yeah. I'm looking it up. I would love to have one of those. Yeah, I know. They look sick. Come on.

It's a dragon. I know. That's why I like this story so much. I want one. I know. Beauty's in the eye of the beholder, y'all. And dragons are gorgeous. Anyway, there's one that's kind of creepy that really does look like a worm with a duck bill kind of.

That's when it says Norwegian something on it. Yeah. Some are wormier than others. I'll post it to Instagram. But most of the time, like it looks like just a pretty sick dragon. Yeah. Yeah.

I'll take it. Me too. Oh, by the way, our dear friend Robin Jacques once again did the Lindworm absolutely dirty in this illustration. I'll show you when we get there. Robin Jacques had something against dragons.

I swear. I mean, I love his artwork, but his dragons are derpy as fuck. He just didn't like them, I guess. Okay. So she gives birth first to a Lindworm,

but the queen had scarcely looked on it before one of her waiting women snatched it up and flung it out the window. Bye. Bye. Bye. And the queen gave birth next to her second baby, a lovely little prince as ever the sun shone on. Mm-hmm. So this is different

than Tatterhood because Tatterhood was not a worm that got thrown out the window. She was just I don't know, ugly, I guess. It's rude. I guess. This was just a different species. Yeah. That would be shocking. Yeah. That would be shocking. Yeah. That would be rough.

That would be disconcerting. Well, the lindworms snaked away into the forest and the queen tried to forget that it had ever been born. She swore her waiting women to secrecy and they none of them said a word about it to anyone. The baby prince was shown to the king

and to the whole court the bells rang out bonfires blazed and everyone rejoiced and so the years passed sometimes the queen thought she ought to tell the king about the lindworm but then again she thought why distress him good call he doesn't need to know she doesn't he doesn't so she did not tell him and the baby prince grew into a handsome little boy, and then into a handsome big boy, and then into a young man who was also, you guessed it, handsome. Hell yeah, he was. Yeah, he was a looker. The queen loved him. The king loved him.

Everybody loved him. Yeah. Aw. And one day the king said, said son it is time you married there are many beautiful princesses in the world and there is not one but would be proud to be your wife ride out now to all the neighboring kingdoms and choose your bride so the prince puts on his best clothes and sets out in a golden coach drawn by six magnificent horses. He's got a coachman. He has a train of gaily dressed outriders trotting behind and before, all very grand, as befitted a gay young prince.

But when they came to the first crossroads, what did they see, Kelsey? Not the handsome young prince. No. No, his brother. The other the other one yes are they close enormous they haven't said anything you haven't said anything about their relationship right like no the lindworm like slithered out into the forest he's just gone forever he's just gone he's gone forever like i don't think the prince even knows about him because the the queen swore

all of her handmaids to secrecy. Oh, man. I want them to high five and become best friends. That would be cute. What do you think the likelihood of that is? I don't know. Never. Because none of these people have redeeming qualities.

That's right. An enormous and hideous lindworm lying right across the way. Mouth open. Fangs clashing. Tail lashing. Yeah, get him. And the lindworm.ared out, Where do you drive? I drive to seek my bride, said the prince, and I should be grateful if you would remove yourself from my road. And the lindworm roared out, I am the firstborn, a bride for me before a bride for you

hell yeah take your rightful place hell fucking yeah you are not number two prince yeah the prince told the coachman to drive on but the lindworm lashed with his spiked tail and spat fire from his gaping jaws the horses reared and plunged swung round and screamed with fright and there was nothing for it but to drive back to the palace when the king heard about the lindworm he said he would summon his army and march out to kill the beast but the queen cried no and she wept and fell on her knees and told the king that the creature was his own son, the elder of the twins she had born. Oh, no.

Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention. By the way, I know it's been 20 years, but I actually gave birth to like a small dragon serpent thing. That's our son. Footnote. Sidebar. Sidebar. that's our son footnote sidebar the king who couldn't bear to see his queen in tears didn't say you should have told me this before which he very well might have done uh-huh yeah that's fair that would have been fair he merely said that the prince should set out again next day when perhaps the Lindworm would have gone back to the forest.

I mean. It's a bad plan. Yeah, I agreed. The prince did set out again the next day, but the same thing happened. There was the Lindworm at the crossroads, straddled right across the way, lashing his spiked tail, spitting fire and roaring out. I am the elder. I am the firstborn. A bride for me before a bride for you. Yep.

Get it. As he should. Put him in his place. And again, the prince had to turn back. And again, on the following day, he set out, because these things happen in threes. Uh-huh. They have to, even if, if like you know that's not

going to be a good idea and the same thing happens they end up having to ride back to the palace and the king says this is truly outrageous in my own realm to be flouted by an unmannerly monster and one that because he is my own son i cannot take up arms against we must try what reason will do well i think that has more to do with like um you know he doesn't want to get cursed okay i think there's not not a chance to go meet your son does not want to make him part of the family heck nah it's rude okay you shall set out again tomorrow prince and speak the monster fair and so for the fourth time the prince set out but there was no speaking the monster fair again he spat fire again he lashed his spiked tail and

again he roared out the same i'm a for i'm the firstborn a bride for me before a bride for you. Yeah. Very well, said the king. We will invite the creature to the palace and we will find him a bride. Aw. Yeah. Gonna have his moment. Throwing a temper tantrum works. Whatever, it's due.

He's part of the family that they just threw out into the woods and he's a dragon that's fair they did throw a dragon out the window and all he wants is a is to get married before his brother he just wants a little respect like yeah you're right you're right that was fair it was all very well for the king to say he would invite the lindworm to the palace but who was to carry the message the king sent soldiers with a written invitation but they fled at the sight of the monster then he sent an ambassador but as soon as the ambassador approached the crossroads the lindworm spat fire at him and bade him take off yeah everybody yes you too it's a vibe I'm feeling it

it's a total vibe how'd you know you picked the story just for me didn't you I did I sensed that this is the story that you would need

the king sent his prime minister and the same thing happened the king sent a company of handsome young pages who went reluctantly hand in hand and trembling poor babies I know it's not their fault send them mama handsome young pages who went reluctantly hand in hand and trembling for

babies. I know it's not their fault. Send the mama. Ooh, that's a fun idea. Yes. And mommy, but that's not what they do.

They do what they should have done in the first place, which is the prince himself. His brother goes with the invitation. I like that too. Yeah. I like that too. I'm like, you should have gone to invite him yourself in the first place yeah and so the lindworm is finally satisfied with the invitation and agrees to come and come he did to everyone's horror though he behaved quietly enough yay i love I love him. Me too. Hero.

Relatable king. Then the king sent his ambassador to the ruler of a small kingdom a long way off, asking for one of the ruler's daughters as a bride for his eldest son. The ruler of that small, far-off kingdom, who had never heard of the Lindworm, was flattered. He sent his eldest daughter the poor girl arrived but she was not introduced to her bridegroom until she stood before the altar oh yikes well then it was too late to turn back the wedding was held and though it was all very grand the bride fainted with terror fair yeah everybody's actually behaving. Besides the king, the queen originally,

everyone else is behaving appropriately. Well, unless we're about to get into the, the what the fuck your parts of wonderful. All of this. Don't, don't worry. I'm we're going to have thoughts and feelings in our post story discussion.

Okay. So in a faint she's carried up to the bridal chamber and left with the lindworm who promptly swallowed her and spent the night sleeping off his heavy meal god damn it i love it i love it so much now the part that's really like that's already a little what the fuck the part that really makes me go what the fuck is surely now the king had done all that was required of him. And once more, the prince set out to seek a bride for himself. Like, nobody is mourning this poor girl. They're just like, well, that's the price you pay, I guess. Yeah. It was just a woman.

Just a silly woman. You know, she really shouldn't have married that lindworm that we made her marry. Oh, my God. Foolish foolish girl uh-huh yeah so the prince uh you know goes back out to seek a bride the lindworm blocks his path says i'm the first born a bride for me before a bride for you it was useless for the prince to point out that the Lindworm had already been given a bride. Yeah. The monster merely gnashed his teeth and shouted that a girl who fainted at the sight of her bridegroom was no fit bride for anyone. Oh my god, I love that.

Fuck that girl. Yeah, idiot. Idiot. Idiot. So the prince had to turn back and again, the Lindworm was invited to the palace and the king sent an embassy to another small distant country asking for a princess as a bride. And again, a princess arrived and was married and swallowed down. And again, the Lindworm went back to the forest oh no he's just got he's just looking for true love yeah that must be it just gotta find a woman that can handle it i guess they can handle being married to a giant serpent yeah don't worry There is such a girl. Tatterhood.

Tatterhood. Oh, my God. She comes in with her giant sword. Tatterhood is a lesbian. I think that she'd more object to Lindworm being a boy. I was thinking she'd actually chop his head off. Oh, that'd be tight, too. She just kills him instead.

She'd get revenge for the girls he ate. That's my fix. As Tatterhood comes into the shore and kills him. Yeah, she comes and chops his head off and saves the other girls. She rides, like, one of her adventures with her sister was, like, riding around the countryside, like, slaying monsters and stuff. Yeah, she shows up and she saves the day.

I mean, I want to hear how this story ends, but I feel like that's promising as a fix. No, that's solid. That's exactly the correct fix. Okay, so he swallows another bride, goes back to the forest. The cycle repeats once more. The Lindworm wants yet a third bride, and the king strikes his hand together and cries out, I cannot do it.

Already two kingdoms are threatening me with war. So I'm glad there's at least some people who think that's wrong. Yes. Yeah. They're like, no, we're not sending you any more women. Quit asking. We're actually going to go to war with you because the women in question have gone missing. At least someone cares.

Somebody, yeah. Jeez. gone missing at least someone cares somebody yeah geez then i must fight the creature said the prince even though he is my brother but this the king would not allow what and have you also swallowed up he cried and leave the kingdom without an heir and the queen and myself with broken hearts no i will find the creature a third bride but not a princess i'll find him some poor girl who may be willing to sacrifice her life for the sake of enriching her family yeah so the youngest daughter of somebody somebody who really really loves her dad yeah some some yeah yeah some hapless youngest daughter with two bitchy older sisters. Now, not far from the king's city, in a tumble-down cottage, there lived a poor shepherd who had a young daughter. Very good, very gentle, very pretty.

And it was to this cottage. She's the one. She's the one. Perfect for marrying a serpent. And it was to this cottage that the king went hurrying. It was late afternoon, and the shepherd was bringing his flock in from the fields when the king met him. At least he goes himself. Yeah.

Respect. Respect. Sort of. him at least he goes himself yeah respect respect sort of without wasting words the king told the shepherd that he must send his daughter to the palace to be married to the lindworm and in return said the king i'll make you the richest man in my kingdom hey hey it's gonna cost you your daughter but whatever she's just a woman. Don't you want money? Yeah. That way you marry someone else and have more children.

Yeah. Replaceable. But the shepherd shook his head. I would rather stay poor and keep my daughter, he said. For I hear that the lindworm had already swallowed down two wives. Aww. Yeah. That was unexpected. Yeah. The king unexpected. Yeah.

The king argued, and the king pleaded, and the shepherd said no, and no, and no. So at last, the king lost his temper and said that being king,

he should and would be obeyed, and that if the shepherd didn't send his daughter to be married to the lindworm, then the shepherd should lose his head. Yeah. That sounds kingly.

It's very kingly. He's being a bitch. And your precious daughter shall lose hers too, he shouted in a most unkingly manner and stamped back to the palace, feeling thoroughly desperate and ashamed of himself. But what else could he do? Unkingly.

I don't know. That sounds about right for these stories. That sounds exactly right. Temper tantrums work when you're royalty. Or a giant dragon. Or a giant dragon. The shepherd went home and told his daughter. Poor girl how she wept. She ran out of the cottage and away into the forest thinking to hide herself. She ran and ran till she had no strength to run farther and then she sat down under an oak and sobbed is she gonna meet him are they gonna have me cute right now oh man i wish that's another

good fix for this story oh man i thought they were gonna meet and she was gonna fall in love with the dragon anyway okay anyway i wish i mean honestly like this is like you know i'm gonna try to make this story into a proper monster fucker story. Hell yeah. I wouldn't expect anything. Same. I know the monster is actually obviously pretty evil at this point, but we're still swallowing girls. I'm still rooting for him somehow.

I like him better than everybody else in this story. That's for sure. Yeah. The dad is okay. The shepherd's actually, you know, he's all right the shepherd's a good guy yeah that's true no to money because he loves his daughter yeah like that's all fair

enough so out from the oak stepped the old fairy who had given the queen the two fruits in the first place oh this bitch she owes everyone she's meddling she's that bitch from that um she's muffins she's muffins she's muffins incredible god i love a fairy godmother she says little daughter why do you weep oh little mother little mother i have good cause to weep the king has bidden me marry the lindworm the lindworm who has already devoured two brides and i shall be the third i would do much for my dear father's sake but this is too dreadful the old fairy said come dry your eyes if you will do exactly as i tell you you shall not be eaten you shall on the

other hand deliver the kingdom from this evil and be yourself a happy bride and then she told the girl exactly what she must do it sounds sounds rather terrible, said the girl. It's that or be eaten, said the old fairy. Yeah. So then she went back to the oak and the girl went home and told her father that she was ready to marry the Lindworm. No, rather than that, I will leave my flock and will run away. We'll go hand in hand into another kingdom and beg for our bread. Aw.

Yeah, I like the shepherd. I think the shepherd's actually a good dad. Yeah. But the girl said, Don't fret, little father, for I believe that all will be well. In the forest I met an old fairy, and the fairy told me what I must do.

Then she kissed her father and went to the palace to tell the king that she was willing to marry the Lindworm. The king was overjoyed. He sent the shepherd a sack full of gold and ordered a magnificent wedding dress to be made for the girl. Very beautiful she looked when she stood before the altar, and more hideous than hideous and more terrible than terrible looked the lindworm who

stood by her side. The priest who married them stammered and stuttered and hurried over the marriage service, and the hair rose on his scalp with the horror and the pity of it. But the words were spoken, the girl and the lindworm were married and the wedding feast was held the lindworm golloped it says golloped golloped like yeah i guess yep swallowed down every single thing that was set before him with relish that nobody else could swallow more than a mouthful. Now, you must know that before the wedding, the girl had put on seven white shifts under her bridal dress, and she had asked that a bath full of warm, soapy water and another bath full of fresh milk, together with a goodly supply of new scrubbing brushes, should be placed in the bridal chamber. This fairy is really obsessed with bathing. Super weird suggestion, but. Very.

But, you know, this girl's marrying a monster. Maybe if she has some weird kinks, that's so much the better. And though it seemed a strange request, the king had said, yes, let her have anything she asks for. Anything at all. Yeah. It's her last night on Earth so it truly is if she wants to get weird with it that's her prerogative so after the wedding feast when the lovely bride and the hideous bridegroom were conducted by a goodly company

of lords and ladies to the sound of music and the blazing of torches to the bridal chamber. There, set on the floor by the bed, were the items she had requested. Now the dreadful moment had come. The torches were put out, the music ceased, the door of the bridal chamber was shut on the girl in the lindworm, and the procession of lords and ladies went back to the banqueting hall. Oh, poor girl, poor pretty girl, the ladies were weeping. The lords walked with downcast eyes. And in the bridal chamber, the Lindworm glared at his bride and roared out, maiden, shed a shift. Prince Lindworm, answered the girl, shed a skin. that before roared the lindworm but i'm telling you now said the girl the lindworm opened his great jaws out darted his forked tongue his mouthful of teeth snapped gleaming in the lamplight was he going to swallow her down no writhing and groaning groaning and writhing he cast off his outer skin and there it lay on the floor oh he likes her he does like her he likes being told what to do he wasn't expecting

it but no but he's into it yeah and the girl drew off her bridal dress and one of her seven shifts and laid them on top of the skin again the lindworm roared maiden shed another shift and the girl answered prince lindworm shed another skin do you dare tell me to do that a second time roared the lindworm yes i dare answer the girl yeah hell yeah she does so groaning and writhing and moaning and muttering the lindworm cast off another skin and there it lay on the floor and the girl took off her second shift and laid it on top of the skin. So this repeats a third time. No one has dared tell me to do that a third time, roared the Lindworm.

But I am telling you now, said the girl. And moaning and groaning, writhing and muttering, the Lindworm struggled out of his third skin. And the girl took off her third shift and put it on top of that skin. And so it went on again the lindworm ordered the girl to shed a shift again she bade him to shed a skin and willy-nilly it seemed he must do as she bade him until there on the floor lay his seven skins and on them lay six of the girl's shift but the seventh she need not take off because the l Lindworm was now stretched on the floor, a shapeless mass of flesh with no skin on him at all. Gross, right?

Yeah, I want artwork of that. Me too. I want artwork of that. What we got is another Robin Jacques classic of a what the fuck is that supposed to even be? Can you see? That does not look like what I pictured at all. No, it really doesn't.

It doesn't look like it at all. It's terrible. It's not even a dragon. It looks more like a troll, like a scaly troll. Yeah. That's disappointing. The Lindworm we wanted versus the Lindworm we got.

Yeah. I get it now. Okay. Yeah. It's terrible. Robin Jacques hates dragons. It's fine. He really does.

He really does. He cannot draw a good one. Then the girl. Okay. So the Lindworm is now a shapeless mass of like skinless flesh on the floor fun all right fucking gross cool though then the girl in shutting yeah there you go if only it had stopped there then the girl snatched up one of the scrubbing brushes dipped it in the warm soapy water, and began to scrub

away at the shapeless mass with all her strength. She scrubbed, scrubbed, scrubbed, and she scrubbed. The shapeless mass began to take form again, but not its old form. It was taking the form of a man. It was taking the form of a prince.

Oh! Very special. That's a twist. twist okay okay is he still gonna be an asshole though gosh we'll find out won't we my guess is no this is debatable a prince who became more and more beautiful to look on with every scrub she gave him and when the scrubbing brushes were all worn out, the girl dipped a sponge in the tub of fresh milk and gently washed the prince from head to feet. Which sounds gross. I also just want to point out, good looks isn't a redeeming quality. No.

No. No. It's definitely fairytale, like fairytale nonsense of like outer beauty means inner beauty yeah okay so she washes him in milk which also sounds disgusting and he stood up smiling and dried himself and took the girl in his milky arms i added the milky bit. I liked it. Oh, my dear brave girl, cried the handsome prince. How can I ever repay you for what you have done for me? Just by loving me, said the happy girl. Oh, barf. Barf. The king had not slept well that night. Early in the morning, he sent a page to the bridal chamber to see what had happened there. The page went unwillingly. It was not an errand he took any pleasure in, you may be sure.

Fearfully, he tapped at the door of the bridal chamber, but got no answer. He hoped that the door might be locked, but it wasn't. Fearfully, he pushed it open and slipped into the room, and what did he see? In a heap on the floor seven scaly skins a bridal dress and six white ships and in the bed the shepherd's daughter asleep in the arms of a handsome gross prince a handsome milky prince a handsome milky prince yeah there was no bath water in there anymore. Now it's just covered in, like, old milk. I bet he smells great. She probably let him have sex with her like that.

You know what? Don't kink Shane. This is Pride Month. Do not kink Shane. Yeah. All right. All right. Fair point i stand i stand corrected if you love bathing in milk and then making love milk baths are extremely good for your skin are they really i don't know but i feel like i've heard that so okay go with. My parents owned a bath store when I was a kid, and they used to put milk in some of my baths.

Like, milk and oatmeal and shit. So I think it is good for your skin if you're, you know, noctiluctous intolerant. Okay, I'll stop being such a judgy bitch. I mean, it's super weird, but. I think it's super fucking weird. For now. It's for a modern audience. Okay.

So the page runs off to tell the king, the king and queen hurry to the bridal chamber. The sleeping prince woke and sat up, huddling the blankets around him. Dear father, he said, if I might crave a robe to cover my nakedness. A robe, shouted the king. You may crave a kingdom. And he burst into happy tears wow wow that's so shallow i mean i guess okay but the monster was evil yes but i mean maybe he was evil because they treated him like a monster he ate two women

they fainted at the sight of him he was very offended justified oh boy okay the news spread like wildfire through the palace and through the city and through all the country round everyone went wild with joy. The shepherd came hurrying to the palace to clasp his daughter into his arms. The younger twin prince set off once more in his gilded coach to seek a bride. And this time, he met no monster at the crossroads and soon returned with a pretty young princess, presumably from a different country than the one where two girls had been murdered. And now there was another wedding.

And if the former wedding had been a sad affair, the second one was joyous indeed. So the bells rang out, the bonfire is blazed, all the people cried hurrah, and the king, the queen, the two princes,

and their beautiful brides lived in happiness ever after the end. Ah, what? That was a story. That story existed. That you told. Okay, so my predictions were not a cool prince.

I feel like I got that one. Oh, you nailed that one, yeah. Extremely, who was the protagonist in this story? I want to say it's the young that one. Yeah. Extremely. Who was the protagonist in this story? I want to say it's the young shepherd girl. Yeah. Ends up being the protagonist. Just not for a while. So and she wasn't extremely selfish. And her father.

Sorry, go on. It is called Prince Lindworm. So I think we could also get away with saying Prince Lindworm was the protagonist. But he wasn't a protagonist for sure that's true and the father had some redeeming qualities so i think i only got one point for that okay would you agree we're gonna call it that i would i would agree but you definitely nailed that the prince sucks. We were close about the no redeeming qualities and I assumed that the protagonist was the prince. Which would have made sense. Yeah, but I didn't want to I didn't want to just assume

that the prince was the protagonist. So anyway. You were smart to make that two separate guesses. Yeah. Yeah, I've got two fixes for that. Either Tatterhood comes and slices his head off

and saves the two girls. I think that's fun. Super fun. Or also I like that they have a meet cute in the forest and he I don't know, spits out

the princesses like he didn't actually kill them. He was just deeply offended. I don't know. Just like swallowed them but it's like a jonah and the whale situation you know yeah he just spits him she she convinces him to spit them out he's like fine my original fix for this because i like both of those a lot i think the tatterhood one might be replacing my original fix because that's so great um my original fix for this which is the story proceeds the exact same way except that when he becomes like a shapeless mass of like gross

flesh that when she starts scrubbing it the flesh turns into the two girls he ate oh yeah that's i like that like and then she just goes off with them. And then she goes with them. Oh, or well, Tatterhood could also save them and then they all go off together. Love that too. Lesbian and their lesbian adventure ship. Yeah. In the Ivanverse. In the Ivanverse. Absolutely.

That's a that's how this should go. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. I just liked the idea of that like the two people he killed get to come back to life not yeah that was yeah that's fucked up those poor those poor girls yeah that nobody cares about yeah well that's not true their countries were waging wars against they were threatening to wage war yeah well they didn't know what happened for sure right so they're like yeah show us our princess yeah i highly doubt they would like i highly doubt the

king would tell them i let my eldest son swallow them yeah straight up they're like hey i haven't heard from my daughter in a while what up what up that's true They do have some people who care, but like, you know, that was fun. I liked it. I'm glad you enjoyed that one. I like it. I thought it was a good time.

I've been, I've been sitting on that one for a while and like waiting for like a good time to tell it. And I decided today was a cursed day and it was a good time for Prince Lindworm. Man. I really, I was trying really hard to empath time for Prince Lindworm. Man. I really, I was trying really hard to empathize with Prince Lindworm, but I just,

I mean, you couldn't keep it up at a certain point. You just have to accept that sometimes the monster is just the monster. Yep. Well, and I was right there with him, you know, until he murdered those girls.

You know? Right up until the murder. Right up until the murders. But I do like the idea of like, I think it's sweet fix for it if we want to make it a sweet monster fucker story. Yeah. Is the shepherd girl runs into him in the forest

and they have like some nice conversations and then he barfs up the two women he ate there you go yeah and she finds a way to get him to rightfully take his place on the throne because he is the he is the crown prince you know lindworm or no well damn all right i've got a couple stories for you because you've been sitting on that one i am going to tell you a quick story that i've been sitting on it is literally one paragraph long oh my god and then i'll tell you the other one that's a mood but this one i really like this one is called the daydreamer and it's from the russian fairy tale pantheon. And I'm just going to give you one prediction for this. It is literally a paragraph.

One paragraph. But it's really fun. I like it a lot. Oh, my God. The Daydreamer. This feels so much harder than a longer story. I know, right? I was almost thinking maybe I wouldn't give you a prediction at all, but what fun would that be?

The Daydreamer is a naughty child. Okay. Naughty child. Okay. The Daydreamer. A poor peasant walking in a field saw a hare under a bush and was overjoyed. He said, now I'm in luck. I will catch this hare, kill him with a whip, and sell him for 12 kopecks. For that money, I will buy a sow, and she will bring me 12 piglets.

The piglets will grow up and each bring 12 piglets. I will slaughter them all and have a barn full of meat. I will sell the meat, and with the money, we'll set up housekeeping and get married. My wife will bear me two sons, Vasca and Vanka. The children will plow the field. The children will plow the field and I will sit by the window and give orders. Hey, you boys, I will cry. Vasca and Vanka, don't overwork your laborers. Apparently you yourselves have never known poverty and the peasant shouted these words so loudly that the hare was startled and ran away and his

house with all his riches and his wife and his children were lost the end fuck yeah that's so fucking funny isn't that cute as hell that was so mean, also, like, relatable to me personally. Yeah. Like, you see something you think is going to change your life, but you spend so long daydreaming about it. Like, you just don't actually start the project or whatever. He saw it. He saw it, and then it was gone in a flash. He really saw it for himself.

I've always really liked that one. I think that's funny. Thank you for telling me that after sitting on it for so long. Yeah, I think I read that just a long time ago and it's been in my head ever since. But it's so short and a really fun time. I love how specific his daydream got. Oh, super specific. He picked out the kids' names. I know kids names like on the spot and he's yelling at

them out loud yeah oh i love it no fix uh me either okay this next story a tiny bit longer like two pages awesome called rolling head is it also from from the Russian Pantheon? No, this story is called Rolling Head and it is from American Indian Myths and Legends Pantheon, which by the way, the Pantheon books normally have a bunch of stories in them that are kind of nothing. I was reading through this one and I am, I love like every single one so far. I found four different stories that I want to read from this soon. Yeah. So, um, it's from the Wintu tribe, also, uh, also known as Northern Wintun and they are Native Americans who are in, uh, Northern California. Right.

Because I feel like I think they have a casino up there. Like I've seen the. Oh, nice. I've seen I've seen I've seen the the tribe name around. Yeah. I think. OK. The rolling head.

Oh, my gosh. I'm so excited for this story. Yeah. So I chose this story because it is a whole ass vibe and I'm going to give you maybe a hint I should have given you before, but I just want to make people feel uncomfortable. I see. I want to make some people feel uncomfortable today because that's the vibe I'm in. Okay. It's the place I'm in right now. Okay. Well, this changes one of my predictions a little bit. Okay.

Here they are. The first one is that the head is an animal head. Okay. And the second one is that the animal head is like bleeding heavily everywhere it rolls. Bleeding heavily. Oh, I love that. Okay. So...

Lay it on me. There is a little insert right before the story that says, among the Wintu, a menstruating woman was considered unclean, but at the same time, she was recognized as having extraordinary magical powers which she could use to harm others purposefully or not proper rituals were needed to prevent disaster and restore her um well i don't know if that's gonna give give you any hints, but here we go. It kind of does. I'm already a little mad because I hate the idea of women are unclean when they're menstruating

and also that when they're menstruating, they're witches who might hurt you. Yeah, for sure. But God damn it, do I love this story so much. Boo on that one, but all right. I mean, it's just like the cultural, it's just giving you a little background. Goddammit, do I love this story so much. Boo on that one, but all right. I mean, it's just like the cultural, like, it's just giving you a little background, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Long ago, there was a village filled with people. They lived in the flatlands on both the west and the east sides of the river.

The younger of the chief's two daughters had just reached puberty, and her parents were planning to call a puberty dance. Ooh, okay. In the evening, the father spoke to the other women. Early in the morning, go strip bark for a maple bark apron, he said, but don't take my younger daughter with you. Go secretly. So the women got up very early and stole away. Quite far north they went, and some even climbed uphill and crossed the ridge to the north. Later, the girl who had reached puberty woke up and, though it was forbidden, followed the others. Which I think is sweet. She wants to help.

Yeah. She's curious. She's bold. She's a witch right now. When she reached them, they were stripping bark. She went up to them and began cutting maple bark too, because she's a hard worker. Yeah, she is. All at once, she struck her little finger with a splinter.

Her older sister came up to her and wiped the blood with the dead leaves. The other woman said, when will it leave off? The blood can't stop flowing. Afraid of what happened, they ran back to the village. They reached the house and told the father. She got stuck with a splinter while stripping bark. And the old man said, she doesn't listen to me. Teenagers.

For real. The girl and her older sister were left behind alone. The younger one, who stood downhill to the north, now sucked blood and spat it out. Then more blood came. And though she sucked and she sucked, she could not stop the flow. And this is all from a prick on her finger? Mm-hmm. Which it's like, I think it's like a metaphor for her menstruating.

Yes. Definitely. But I get that. I personally. It just won't stop. I personally feel that. Mm-hmm. Meanwhile, the sun began to set. She kept on sucking until early evening, unable to help herself.

Suddenly, she happened to swallow blood and smell the fat. It tasted sweet. She ate her little finger and then she ate her whole hand. Oh, my God. Then she devoured both of her hand. Oh, my God. Then she devoured both of her hands. Oh, my God. I can see where this is going. And I love slash hate it so much.

Then she ate her leg, ate both of her legs. Then she ate up her whole body. Then her head alone was left. It went rolling over the ground with her sister still beside her. Her sister didn't stop her? You cannot stop her. What the fuck? What the fuck?

It gets so much better. Oh no! In the village, the chief said, from the north she'll come put on your clothes people get your weapons we must go and the people dressed themselves and got their whip their weapons and from the north they saw her come rolling toward her father's house she arrived in the early evening and lay there after she had had rested a while, she bounced up into the west across the river to the flat on the west, where she threw the people into her mouth. Without stopping, she turned the village upside down as she devoured them all. Then she fell to

the east across the river and lay there. And the next morning she threw the people who lived on the eastern flat into her mouth and ate them, devoured them all. Oh my God. Wait, how is she throwing people? Is she like telekinetically? I think so. It's just magic. Throwing people around? Okay, it's magic. Holy shit. Only her eldest sister, she left for a while and she went about the world and she saw people she threw them into her mouth and she ate them each evening before she came home each morning she went about the world looking for people always she went searching one day she climbed out to the northern edge of the sky and looked all over the world but she she saw no one. She's eaten everyone. She ate the whole world. In the whole world, which is a vibe. She ate them all. Fuck you. Yes, you.

Yes, fuck you. Yes, even you. Even you and you and you and literally everyone in the entire world. So she saw no one. So in the evening, she came home and in the entire world so she she saw no one so in the evening she came home and in the next morning she got up and threw her sister into her mouth and she went on her way until she reached the edge of a big creek which she did not know how to cross a man was sitting on the other side and she called to him so there was somebody guess. I guess there was one more person left. Lucky bastard. And he threw a bridge over. She was crossing.

And when she had gone halfway, he jerked it. And it went down a tellet, which I think is the name of the river. And she fell into the river. And a riffle pike jumped up and swallowed her. And it finished. That is all. The end. And it says, based on a myth reported by Cora Dubois and Dorothy Demet...

Oh my God, I'm going to say this wrong. Demetrakapulu in 1931. I love the finisher. I love that it's just, that is all. That is all. She almost ate the entire world except for one guy was left so she did successfully kill off the human race basically i was gonna mention um it's and i didn't want to give it away but it's in a section called ordeals of the hero

monsters and monster Slayers. Wow. Well, that was really, that story was a whole vibe. That was a mood. Yeah. That's so good. I loved that. That was really good, actually. I really enjoyed that story. I felt that really hard. As soon as I read it, I was like, oh, this is so good. You did. And I have zero fixes. I think it's perfect. Except, I don't know, maybe she could have just kept eating everything, including the sun and the moon, and I would have been for it. Ooh, that's kind of funny.

That's kind of fun. But she specifically craves human flesh. Yeah, she just doesn't stop. It's just a rolling head eating everything in the whole world. So good. Wow. Yeah. I'm, I'm, I'm a little stunned. I'm a little speechless. I don't, I don't know what to say. What do you, what do you say to that? Man, there were so many good stories. Like, God damn it. I love all of these stories so much. This book is amazing. I definitely recommend it. We'll have to

do more from that one then. I have a couple bookmarked. I'm so excited. A couple of them were like a little bit too long and one was really good, but we'll get to it. Maybe I'll do those right when I come back because I don't know if I can wait that long. I think you should. Oh my God. Like, yeah, no, this episode's probably a little too long to do another one, but I want to hear. Yeah, right. I want more. Yeah, maybe next time. Because I'm in a place and I want to make people uncomfortable. And you know what?

There are a couple more stories that do that even better. Mm-hmm. Ma. Better than a story about a cannibalistic 13-year-old who eats the entire world. I'm going to give you a hint. One of them is called Te in the wrong places oh my god i can't wait so i'm gonna let i mean i think it might be pretty obvious but i'm gonna let you i think i can guess i think i can guess oh my god i'm so fucking excited anyway so yeah uh save that one

for cullen for sure oh my gosh uh i do believe i mean there are so there are so many jokes about that being gay men's worst fear it's why they're not attracted to women every single every person like holy shit teeth in the wrong places in the wrong place teeth anywhere that's not in your mouth is terrifying yes and teeth are kind of weird even in your mouth like let's be real god damn it yeah this book is so good i was just so floored by that story i actually know isn't it good I don't have any fixes for that one. No, my brain is still short circuiting. Oh, and I love that you said an animal head is bleeding heavily. And I was like, well, it's not the animal head. Someone's bleeding. I didn't expect to be directly a menstrual, like a menstrual metaphor.

Yeah, I wanted to keep that as a surprise because I just I loved it I thought it was so good that was fantastic I'm so glad that that was such a surprise a whole mood a whole ass mood well that I really don't think there's any there's any way to put a cap on that really so we're just going to be done

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And please email us your favorite fairy tales, folklore, nursery rhymes, and other such things at info at fairytalefixpod.com. We are now, as of this very moment, collecting frightening menstruation metaphors. Please send them our way. Thank you so much. Hell yes.

And so, and so before the Lindworm could swallow down those two poor princesses, Tatterhood came riding through the kingdom with her sister and sliced its head off or he had already swallowed them and they reappeared because he'd been holding them in his belly like some kind of pinocchio situation yeah that's fun and the girl the girl who just reached puberty just kept on eating everything and everyone including all the animals and trees and the sun and the moon until the heat death of the universe yes until the whole entire universe imploded in on itself and they all lived happily ever after the end