Fairy Tale Fix - 67: Are You Mad At Me??

Episode Date: June 27, 2023

To close out Pride Month 2023, Abbie tells the story of The Princess Who Would Be A Prince, a story with a serious case of gender. Come for the magician horses and the crossdressing and gender-swapping, stay for the chamois, which is definitely a type of light footed goat.

She's like, I just got back. That's the realist. Yeah. Relatable prince. Hello, gentle listeners. Welcome to Fairytale Fix. I'm Abby. I'm Kelsey. And this is our What the Fuck Fairytale podcast brought directly to your ear holes. You're welcome. You're welcome. And we're sorry.

Just kidding. They're usually very great stories. I'm not sorry at all about my story today. I'm just going to give you a little hint right off the bat because I'm so excited about it. This story has the biggest case of gender that we have had since Heidi came on. Interesting. Very fun. So I picked it for Pride Month and you will enjoy it. I fucking love it. It's not as good as the wonderful shirt, actually, but it's up there.

It's hard. Is it a Ruth Bader Sanders story? It is not as good as the wonderful shirt, actually, but it's up there. It's hard. Is it a Ruth Bader Sanders story? It is not. Okay. It's hard to beat RMS. RMS is a true champion. This one is very close, though. Nice.

I'm excited to hear it. You've been hyping me up about this story, I feel like. Now I'm hoping I haven't oversold it. It'll be fine. I love them. I love listening to fairy tales. I love having you read them to me. Very excited about this. We do have a little bit of business though. Yes. A couple of things. We have a new patron. Thank you, Maddie or Matthew. I saw both names. I still not sure which one it is, which one you prefer. So just let me know. We will do that going forward.

But Maddie, you are the fucking best. Thank you so much for signing up. We truly like we're so pleased and grateful and a little surprised every time we get a new patron. It's always really big news. I always have to message Abby right away. Yeah, we squeal at each other for a little while over our Google chat. new patron. Yeah. It's always really big news. I always have to message Abby right away. Yeah, we squeal at each other for a little while over our Google chat. It's honestly the best. And now is a good time to become a new patron for anyone who's considering it. We're going to be

offering a giveaway just to our patrons this month. And we're also releasing a patron only survey that to give us feedback and also to request other goodies that you might want out of our Patreon. So yeah, and everybody who takes the survey is going to get a little a little something, something a little something new. And we also are going to have like a bigger giveaway. And we also are going to have like a bigger giveaway. So you'll be entered in to win a cool mug with some brand new artwork that we have yet to reveal by our favorite artist. Oh, my gosh. It's like Kelsey has a mug with it on right now.

And it's so amazing. It's perfect. I might even like it more than the mermaid one. I think I do too. Maybe. I know. It's hard. We also have a book bag. It's going to include a book and stickers and a crystal.

And it's very witchy. If that gives you an idea of the theme. Yeah. So if you have been considering becoming a patron, you get, I think 20 bonus episodes at this point. Uh, so a lot more episodes and you'll, you know, take our survey and be entered to win a super cool giveaway.

Yeah. By the time this episode comes out, there will be 20 bonus episodes. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. So 20, 20 plus hours of content for $6 and a giveaway.

Do it. Get in there. And if you're not interested, we're also going to do, we'll probably do a survey with a giveaway a little bit later in the summer. Just kind of a general one. We just like your feedback, you know. We would deeply appreciate it. And also like, you know, just so everyone's clear, I make a lot of jokes about like, give us money.

Give us money now. Open your wallet. Give us cash. Give us that gold, baby. Give us that gold, baby. But also, I just want to make it super clear. If you don't have the money to give us or even just straight up don't want to. Yeah.

That's totally cool. We love you anyway. Yeah. Thank you for listening. Thank you for listening. Let's see. Also, just little podcasting housekeeping before we get into the good stuff. Kelsey and I are going to be taking July not off. We're still going to be recording episodes, but we will not be putting new episodes in the feed to give us a little time to catch up. I am behind on recording these episodes. I am doing them the weekend before, which is not super comfortable for us.

So we're going to take a little time to catch up. Yeah, we're going to get our buffer. And hopefully I think that'll keep everybody non stressed out. That would be soups good. We are going to put up a couple of the episodes from our Patreon feed in July, just like last year. We'll pick another another couple wild candidates for Patreon Patreon's craziest episodes. You can see a little bit of just what goes on over there. Very excited to get that buffer back up and hopefully a little bit less pressure on you. That'd be nice.

But I mean, in all honesty, it's not that much pressure. I do enjoy doing it because I love the sound of our voices. And I think that we're, I think that we're so cute and smart and pretty and funny. So when I'm listening back to our episode, I'm just like, damn, we're so cute.

We're so funny. We're just the best. Why aren't we? Why aren't we crazy famous? Why have we not received my favorite murder levels of fame yet? Because we deserve it. Eventually it'll happen. we'll get there and then we'll tour all over the place and have people tell us folktales on stage how fun would that be

i would love that i want that so badly i know i just want to travel i really i really want to go to like you know the famous pub in germany where dorothea viman told the brothers grim fairy tales oh my gosh and i think they have lots of tours like that in ireland and stuff too so like a lot of folktale tours yeah yeah yeah they have to especially in germany i'm sure brothers grip is popular. So that'd be so much fun. I would love to do that. Yeah, absolutely. I mostly just want to go to bars in different places with you and tell stories. Oh my gosh, yes. And hear stories. I want locals to tell me stories. That's the dream right there is like, okay, what would we, what would, what would we not have heard of?

Or what's your favorite spin on it? Especially in Ireland. I want to hear, I want to hear somebody tell me a story about someone they know or someone that their grandfather knew. Absolutely. And give me a lot of like traffic and street directions that I won't, I won't understand.

Yeah. To places I've never heard of that everybody else knows yeah oh maybe we could go to the giant stairs I think my parents went there nice it's really like the giant steps yeah it's uh it's a really beautiful place they went there in January because they were crazy yeah I would want to go to Ireland probably in the summer. I have heard that it gets very cold and very icy. I have also heard this. But that's but you know, my mom, my mom was raised in like upstate New York, and my dad was raised in Colorado in the mountains. And they like it cold and icy for some reason. Yeah, I don't get that. Crazy kids.

reason yeah i don't get that at all crazy kids california baby through and through give me give me the 80s maybe even the 90s and i get warm oh my god so i hate to bring back weather corner but i don't actually hate to bring back weather corner i love talking about the weather there is great it's very exciting but i just wanted to tell you that like this, that this week, so like this week they had like some crazy wildfires in Eastern Canada. Yeah. I heard about that. I saw like bad videos and I was like laughing in Californian because that's every like at least once a year for me. Yes like new york got it real bad um baltimore didn't get it too terrible but like but at the same time like it was it was bad enough where like i went outside and i like sniffed the air and i was like smells like august at home like yeah i

was wondering a little traumatized by it? And so, yeah, I was absolutely just getting like a little bit a little I was a little affronted because I was like, I thought one of the biggest tradeoffs of not living in California, California anymore. Something that I exchanged for living in. No. Well, no. Full offense, Maryland. A much worse state was that I didn't have to do the long smoky summer slash fall anymore.

Damn it. Yeah, it's not fair. So it's not fair. It is funny. It's funny watching all of the East Coasters freak out, but it's also not funny because it's like as a Californian, like, you know know you and I have just gotten so used to it yeah like it's it's so normalized now but it's really only been this big of a problem in the past decade or so oh yeah like being an adult there I don't remember wildfires like that at all when I was a kid no not at all like on. Like on that hand, I'm like, yeah, no, I guess we should

be freaking out about it more when because like, this is bad. But also humans can get used to anything. And it's one of our it's one of our greatest strengths and one of our biggest limitations as an animal. Anyway, but so I also just want to say quick soapbox moment climate change is fucking real. We should be taking it seriously. Eastern Canada is not a place that should be on fire. No place should be on fire in this way, which brings me to my second soapboxy point.

We should be giving the land back to the indigenous people that had methods of dealing with this shit that were good and worked and then we came in and stopped doing it and this is partially the result of that so donate to your local land back funds i guess i love it end of rant i think that's a good rant that's definitely yeah i'm just so used to it. Yep. I mean, politics corner. They're also in California trying to, what is it? Amendment 28, trying to help pass more gun control laws. Yay! So it's like they want to, you know, raise the purchasing age to buy guns. Good.

Yeah. And that's just such a no-brainer, in my opinion. And then... They're going to put a wait time on it so you can't go impulsively buy a gun? Yeah. Wait times. Obviously, they want to ban assault rifles. I don't know if we should really talk about but maybe not but also like i don't know i that's something that i deeply believe

to yeah that is good like it's such a no-brainer it's such a no-brainer to me too like it's but i mean i it's it's a huge bummer of a of Yeah, it's very much a bummer topic. In more good news, though, hang on, I want to look this up, just because it is Pride Month. And this happened last month, I think. This is one of the ways in which I would like to apologize to the great state of Maryland for the slander. Did they do something good?

They did something good. Something nice happened. This actually did happen this month with all of sort of like the awful bills targeting trans people popping up all over the United States. Like there have been a couple of good things, like there are a few states in which those things have been, you know, overturned, or judges have struck them down for now. And then in Maryland, our new governor just signed an executive order that protects, shields and defends all transgender individuals who want unimpeded access to gender affirming health care within Maryland borders. New Jersey passed the same thing. So that's great. it just made Maryland more of a like shelter state that will just affirm

trans rights at any age to get the, you know, the healthcare that they need. Yeah. And I think. I think that, yeah. Happy pride.

Good news. Happy pride for Maryland. And like, that doesn't mean that like there aren't, there isn't like a, there aren't groups of people in Maryland who don't like that and are working against that actively but that was just good good news for my state it did make me happy to live here so i also maryland i hate you but also i hate you less than other places absolutely 100 there are worse places there are worse places than maryland y'all i mean it's no california but it's very true maryland boo on your bureaucracy but yay

on uh affirming trans rights and also on uh having legal abortion and other rights that I think are important. So yay slash boo, Maryland. And way to keep it adequate. Way to be just okay. Way to be just okay. Let's get started. Yeah, I have a long story to tell you. So strap in, buddy. I am very excited to hear this story. Okay. So a little background. This story is from Romania, but it's also been like it has so many different versions that have been like recorded all over like Eastern Europe and the Mediterranean. It's called definitely not going to pronounce this right,

but it's called Ileana Simsiana, or the princess who would be a prince, or Ileana of the golden tresses, or Helena Golden Garland, or the girl who pretended to be a boy. Okay, let's go with the princess pretended to be a boy. Okay. Let's go with the princess who would be a prince. You like that?

I like that. That was the easiest one to remember. Uh-huh. That sounded very fairytale-esque. Mm-hmm. The princess who would be a prince. Excellent. Okay.

And I'm going to be reading you the Romanian version, which I found skimming through, of all things, the Violet Fairy Book. Nice. Which is one of Andrew Lang's many collected fairy tale books. I need to get a couple of those. Yeah. I was just idly browsing through because I wasn't sure that I was going to find anything that felt kind of queer to me in something so traditional. Yeah, right. Something that so many different people have on their shelves, but the title, The Girl Who Pretended to Be a Boy, caught my eye.

Nice. So, yeah. So, I'm going to be reading you that one today. All right. For my first prediction. All right. You said I would really like it. So I'm going to predict that there is, oh, I am going to predict that there's going to be a wizard or a witch. Oh, okay. All right. Wizard or witch.

And then my second prediction is that I predict that this will fit neatly into the Ivanverse. Love that. I love that prediction. That's fantastic. Yeah. I was thinking about my predictions when I was getting my hair done earlier. Uh-huh. And for my third prediction, I want to predict, oh, Romania.

I don't know anything about Romanian. Have we done any? Yeah, this might be our first Romanian fairy tale. We've done stuff from surrounding areas. Yeah. Romanian fairy tale. We've done stuff from surrounding areas. Yeah. Also, just because I enjoy, I've decided I'm probably going to do this now for most stories, unless we've done that country a lot. I'm just going to start doing geography corner

because I didn't actually know where Romania was either, really. That's a great idea, a geography corner. Yeah. So you give me your last prediction and then I'll tell you where Romania is. Perfect. I love that. Third prediction. I am going to... I'm just going to do it.

I'm going to predict horse murder. Fun. Okay, cool. I feel like that's more of a Norwegian... They do hate horses in Norway. They really do. But honestly, we have come across this in other European fairy tales. So, you know, we'll see.

Yeah. Never good for the horses. Okay, tell me. Okay, so Romania, for those of you who don't know, which no judgment, I didn't really know. I knew Romania was in Western Europe. I just didn't think it was where it was. Or sorry, it was in Eastern Europe. I just didn't know that this is where it was. So Romania is kind of smushed in between Bulgaria, Serbia, Hungary, and Ukraine. Then there's a little country called Moldova that is in between,

that's smushed in between Ukraine and Romania. It has some coastline on the Black Sea, which is directly underneath Ukraine. It's sort of in between Ukraine and Turkey. Romania is a lot closer to Greece than I thought it was, between Ukraine and Turkey. Romania is a lot closer to Greece than I thought it was, to the point that it shares a couple of story tropes with Greece. And there is a Greek version of this story. And pretty much all of these countries in this little cluster

have a version of this story. Cool. Yeah, I thought it was cool so very excited yeah me too so this is the princess who would be a prince or the girl who pretended to be a boy or so many other different names but those are my two favorites because those are the transiest oh hell yes of these names okay fucking brace thyself because this one has some ups and downs and twisty turns and i'm gonna crack open i'm gonna crack open my second beer for it anyway once upon a time there lived an emperor who was a great conqueror and reigned over more countries than anyone in the world. And whenever he subdued a fresh kingdom, he only granted peace on condition that the king should deliver him one of his sons for ten years' service.

Now on the borders of his kingdom lay a country whose emperor was as brave as his neighbor and as long as he was young he was the victor in every war but as years passed away his head grew weary of making plans of campaign and his people wanted to stay at home until their fields and at last he too felt that he must do homage to the other emperor which makes sense like your people are tired, and they're also sick of losing their kids over this. Y'all, we're tired. We're tired. We're not going. There was one thing, though, that held him back from this step, which day by day he saw more clearly was the only one possible.

His new overlord would demand the service of one of his sons and unfortunately he only had three daughters unfortunately oh i know oh what a bummer three girls girls it's no good one of them might have to become a boy look on which side he would nothing but ruin seemed to lie before him and he became so gloomy that his daughters were frightened and did everything they could think of to cheer him up but to no avail and at length one day when they were at dinner, the eldest of the three summoned all of her courage and said to her father, what's bothering you? Are your subjects discontented? Have we given you cause for displeasure? Are you mad at me?

Are you mad at me, dad? Yeah, basically. That's so relatable. Super relatable. Relatable princess. Super relatable. Relatable princess. To smooth away your wrinkles, we would gladly shed our blood for our lives are bound up in yours.

And this you know. Wow. And not the youngest daughter either. The oldest. Nope. The oldest is very intense about this. She wants dad to feel better. She has anxiety.

She does. She has eldest daughter syndrome. My daughter answered answered the emperor what you say is true never have you given me one moment's pain yet now you cannot help me ah why is one of you not a boy damn it i don't understand she answered in surprise tell us what's wrong and though we are not boys we are not useless nice i like that line me too it's and honestly it's a little unusual for a fairy tale super unusual she's standing up for herself she is and she's saying like i'm not just i'm not useless just because i'm a girl dude like tell me tell me what's wrong but what can you do my dear dear children? Spin, sew, and weave. That is all you're learning.

Only a warrior could deliver me now. A young giant who is strong to wield the battle axe, whose sword deals deadly blows. That sounds pretty cool. It does sound cool. I am no man! Okay. Yeah, absolutely.

We'll get there. We'll get there. Okay, okay, okay. The story's got a case of gender or maybe maybe i am a man i don't know that's fine too whatever you want whichever whatever however but why do you need a son so much right now tell us about it it will not make matters worse if we know listen then my daughters and learn the reason of my sorrow he's a very melodramatic king too

oh perfect they all are yeah all the time you have heard that as long as i was young no man ever brought an army against me without it costing him dear. But the years have chilled my blood and drunk my strength. And now the deer can roam the forest and my arrows will never pierce his heart. Strange soldiers will set fire to my houses and water their horses at my wells and my arm cannot hinder them. No, my day is past and the time has come when I too must bow my head under the yoke of my foe.

But who is to give him 10 years service that is part of the price which the vanquished must pay? I like the way that you're playing this game, too. Thank you. Me too. Very good. Very good. He's so dramatic. I will, cried the eldest girl, springing to her feet.

But her father only shook his head sadly never will i bring shame upon you urged the girl let me go am i not a princess and the daughter of an emperor go then he said the brave girl's heart almost stopped beating from joy and she set about her preparations so she turns chest and wardrobes upside down. She sets aside enough things for a whole year. She prepares things very carefully. And she chooses the most spirited horse in the stable with eyes of flame and a coat of shining silver. There's a horse. There's a horse. Helpful horse. Horse countdown. Yeah, right.

When does it lose its head? When does it die? So when her father saw her mounted up and ready to depart, he gave her much wise advice as to how she was to behave like the young man she appeared to be and also how to behave as the girl she really was. Mulan. Mushu. Mushu, yeah. Shean. Mushu. Mushu, yeah. She needs a Mushu. Yeah.

It's her dad. Aw, this is cute. It's cute so far, right? Yeah. Then he gives her his blessing and she touched her horse with the spur. And the silver armor of herself and her steed dazzled the eyes of the people as she darted past.

She was soon out of sight. And if after a few miles she had not pulled up to allow her escort to join her the rest of the journey would have been performed alone but now a twist none of his daughters were aware that the old emperor was a magician ah yes point for kelsey yay i knew it. And had laid his plans accordingly. He managed, unseen, to overtake his daughter and throw a bridge of copper over a stream which she would have to cross. Then, changing himself into a wolf, he lay down under one of the arches and waited. Cool. He had chosen his time well, and in about half an hour the sound of a horse's hooves were heard. His feet were almost on the bridge when a big gray wolf with gritting teeth appeared before the princess.

With a deep growl that froze the blood, he drew himself up and prepared to spring. The appearance of the wolf was so sudden and so unexpected that the girl was almost paralyzed and never even dreamt of flight till the horse leapt violently to one side. Then she turned him around and urging him to his fullest speed, never drew rain till she saw the gates of the palace rising before her. Bye. The old emperor,

who had gotten back long since, came to the door to meet her and touching her shining armor, he said, did I not tell you, my child, that flies do not make honey? Did he? It says he gave her a lot of wise advice before she left.

So I assume this is one of the things that he said. You know. Yep. So the days pass on. And one morning, the second princess asks her father to go. He says no. She says go. He says no. She says please. He says fine.

She does all of the same things her elder sister does in preparation. And, you know, her sister had told her that, like, there's a fucking wolf out there, gang. Like, yeah. And I said no. Be more prepared. Yeah. Uh-huh, yeah. And I said, no. You should be more prepared. Yeah, so this sister feels like she's quite prepared to see the wolf, to see the wolf when she reaches the Copper Bridge, but she shows no greater courage than her elder sister

and gallops home as fast as her horse could carry her. And on the steps of the castle, her father says gently to her, did I not tell you, my child, that every bird is not caught in a net? It's just full of idioms and stuff. So wise, this magician king. The three girls stayed quietly in the palace for a little while, embroidering, spinning, weaving, and tending their birds and flowers, when early one morning, the youngest princess entered the door of the emperor's private apartments. My father, it's my turn now. And he said, what, do you think you're braver than your sisters?

You've hardly left your long clothes behind you. Which basically, I think that means she's barely out of childhood. She's very young, but she did not mind being laughed at. And she answered for your sake, father, I would cut the devil himself into small bits or even become a devil myself. I think I shall succeed.

I know she's like, she's got Moxie. She does that. Moxie. It's always the youngest. Every time. Yeah. I i was wondering i was like the eldest that's weird so yeah well it's a but it's it's a night it's the thing i i like about it is like it's a nice story in which in which like it's about three sisters and the eldest two are

actually very sweet people you know there's no like they're not shitty they're not plotting to kill her sibling in the defense of other siblings and other stories they're not being pushed into it by their mother because their mother is nowhere in this story a possible fix for it yeah anyway so the emperor gives her permission to go he says to, it remains to be seen what I shall get by it, except perhaps a good laugh when I see you come back with your head bent and your eyes on the ground. Rude. Rude. Well, now she's not coming back just to spite you, just to be petty. Just to spite you.

I'll get eaten by the wolf instead of come back. Uh-huh. It's for real. He laughs best who laughs last, said the princess. So she's got her own set of sayings. Yeah.

So happy at having gotten her way, the princess decided that the first thing to be done was to find some old white-haired lord whose advice

she could trust and then to be very careful in choosing her horse. So she went straight to the stables where the most beautiful horses in the empire were feeding in their stalls, but none of them required what she wanted. And almost in despair, she reached the last box of all,

which was occupied by her father's ancient war horse, old and worn like himself, stretched sadly out on the straw. Aww. Scarecrow. Yeah. Aww. Yeah, anrow. Yeah. Aww. Yeah, an old scarecrow horse. Mm-hmm.

The girl's eyes filled with tears and she stood gazing at him. The horse lifted his head, gave a little neigh and said softly, You look gentle and pitiful, but I know it is your love for your father

which makes you tender to me. Oh, what a warrior he was and what good times we shared together. But now I too have grown old, and my master has forgotten me, and there is no reason to care whether my coat is dull or shining. Oh, sad.

I know. But he says then, it's not too late though, and if I were properly tended in a week, I could vie with any horse in the stables. So the girl asks the horse what he needs. And he says, I must be rubbed down morning and evening with rainwater. My barley must be boiled in milk because of my bad teeth.

And my feet must be washed in oil. High maintenance. He's a little high maintenance. He wants his feet to be washed in oil. And he wants to be bathed in rainwater. Like that's a lot. Yeah, bathed in rainwater. That's a little high maintenance he wants his feet to be washed in oil and he wants to be bathed in rainwater like that yeah bathed in rainwater that's a little okay regular water is not good enough are you sure this horse not for this horse the princess agrees to try it and in a week's time the horse woke up one morning with a sudden shiver all through his limbs and when it had passed away he found his skin shining like a mirror,

his body as fat as a watermelon, and his movement as light as a chamois, which I don't know what that means. Light as a chamois. No, but I'm going to look it up. C-H-A-M-O-I-S. An angelic goat antelope with short hooked horns found in mountainous areas of Europe.

Huh. That is not what I expected. Okay. I thought it was going to be like a light summer dress. And it's pronounced shammy. Shammy. Okay. All right.

He's as light as a shammy. His movement. Look it up. It's a cool looking goat thing. It is a cool looking goat thing. It's a, it's a, it is a cool looking goat thing. Wow. All right. Okay.

So the princess came, comes to visit this horse in the stable. And he says excitedly may success await on the steps of my master's daughter. For she has given me back my life. Tell me what I can do for your princess. And I will do it. I want to go to the emperor who was our overlord, and I have no one to advise me. Which of all the white-headed

lords should I choose as a counselor? If you have me, you need no one else. I will serve you as I served your father if you will only listen to what I say. The wonderful horse. He's a wonderful horse. Maybe he's a cousin. I feel like this already does fit neatly into the Ivan

verse. Absolutely. I think we're going does fit neatly into the Ivan verse. Absolutely. I think we're going to find that you totally get that point as well. Because I think, yeah, it's a horse that gives great advice. I love it. I really hope this horse doesn't get murdered. I will listen to everything. The preparations of the emperor's youngest daughter were much fewer and simpler than those of her sisters they only consisted of some boys clothes a small quantity of linen and food and a little money just in case then she bade farewell to her father and rode away they headed for the copper bridge but before they came inside of it the horse who was also a magician magician apparently oh amazing yes yeah had warned her of the means her father would take to prove her courage so she's prepared for the wolf and she knows it's her father but

the sight of him is still incredibly frightening he looks as thin as if he had fasted for a month with claws like saws and a mouth as wide as an oven just bounding howling towards her and for a moment her heart failed her but the next touching the horse lightly with her spur she drew her sword from its sheath ready to separate the wolf's head from its body at a single blow so it's just like there's some lady knight shit going on in here hell yes yeah the beast saw the sword and shrank back which was the best thing it could do as now the girl's blood was up and the light of battle was in her eyes and then without looking around she rode across the bridge and the emperor is hella proud of her. He's super proud of this first victory. He takes a shortcut and he waits for her at the end of another bridge, another day's journey away, this time made of silver. And this time he takes a lion's shape.

Ooh. And roughly. Level two. Yep, level two. So the lion is so huge that at the sound of his roar the very trees quivered and his claws were so large that every one of them looked like a cutlass cool the breath of the princess came and went and her feet rattled in the stirrups and suddenly the remembrance flashed across her of the wolf that she'd fought and waving her sword she rushed so violently at the lion that he barely

had time to spring to one side to so as to avoid the blow and she and her horse just like breeze over that bridge no problem amazing because she's scurry she's badass she is a badass now during her whole life the princess had been so carefully brought up that she had never left the gardens of the palace so that the sight of the hills and valleys and tinkling streams and the songs of the palace, so that the sight of the hills and valleys and tinkling streams and the songs of the larks and blackbirds made her almost beside herself with wonder and delight.

She longed to get down and bathe her face in the clear pools and pick the brilliant flowers, but the horse said no and quickened his pace. Aw, come on. I know. Warriors, he told her, only rest when they have won the victory. You have still another battle to fight, and it is the hardest of all.

Because this time, her father has turned himself into a dragon with 12 heads. Oh, fuck yeah. I want to do that. The princess rode up without seeing anything to frighten her when a sudden puff of smoke and flame from beneath her feet caused her to look down and there was the horrible creature twisted and writhing its 12 heads reared up as if to seize her between them the bridle fell from her hand and the sword which she had just grasped slid back into its sheath but the horse bade her fear nothing and with a mighty effort she sat upright and spurred straight to the dragon. The fight lasted an hour and the dragon pressed her hard, but in the end,

by a well-directed side blow, she cut off one of the heads. Nice. Yeah. Gotcha. And then it grew two more. Just kidding. Not a Hydra,

not a Hydra. Thank God. Yeah. Right. An hour long fight to get one head sounds yeah like a lot that's rough yeah that's rough buddy the fight lasted an hour and the dragon pressed her hard um but she cuts a head off and the dragon falls back on the ground and rose is a man before her and although the horse had informed the princess that the dragon was really her own father

the girl had hardly believed him and stared in amazement at the transformation but he flung his arms around her and pressed her to his heart saying now i see you are as brave as the bravest and wise as the wisest you have chosen the right horse for without his help you would have returned with a bent head and downcast eyes you have filled me with hope that you may carry out the task you have undertaken be careful to forget none of my counsels and above all listen to those of your horse so cute i know he's so proud of her so he goes home she continues on with the horse and she at last comes to the mountains

which hold up the roof of the world and there she met two genie who had been fighting fiercely for two years. So this is actually, this is, this is genie in a totally different way than we've heard it before. Okay. These, these are not in any way related to like the, like the genie from Aladdin or from just Muslim mythology in general.

This is actually like in, in ancient Roman mythology, they called things, they called like animating spirits of various concepts, genius. Okay. Which is where we get, it's where we get the word genius in English,

but it's, but genius originally meant like God or powerful spirits or, you know the the physical embodiment of mountains or stuff like that and even even like the gods were considered genie okay so so yeah so these are these are essentially just like really powerful spirits and they've been fighting for two years and they've been fighting for two years i like i like i don't know why i'm imagining them just like bickering like not like a battle fight but just they're in a fight they're in a rap battle for two years it's an acapella sing-off oh my god yes that's the one it's what stupid thing from pitch perfect

where they meet in like an abandoned parking garage or whatever oh so good amazing okay um that's that's now what it is it's you can fight youngest daughter but can you sing can you sing that's what it is now that's the fix for the story Fight, youngest daughter, but can you sing? Can you sing? That's what it is now. That's the fix for the story. That's one of them for sure. So regardless of what kind of battle it is, neither of them have gotten the advantage on the other one in two years. So seeing what they took to be a young man seeking adventures,

one of the combatants called out, Fet fruners, deliver me from my enemy and I will give you the horn that can be heard the distance of a three days journey. While the other cried, Fet fruners, help me to conquer this pagan thief and you shall have my horse, Sunlight.

Aww. The horse's name is Sunlight? Yeah. That's cute. Okay, what would you rather have? Another horse, when you already have an amazing horse, or a horn that you can hear three days away? Mm-hmm.

Which one do you think? I don't know. Probably the horse. The horn doesn't sound that useful it's uh it's it's not really um it's just really loud it's really loud and like any help that you would need that's three days away yeah it's kind of useless so that that's what that's what her horse thinks. Nice. Because she asks her horse.

The horse is there judging. He's like, oh, pick sunlight. Pick sunlight. Yeah, because she asks her horse which offer she should accept. And he said, no, go with the guy who has sunlight. Because sunlight is apparently her horse's younger brother. What a coincidence. What a coinkydink.

No, I know that horse. I'm like, no, no, I know that horse and he should come with us. I know that guy. That's my younger brother. That's why I was running in this direction, actually. I wanted to pop in. I love it. So the girl at once attacked the other genius and soon clove his skull or sang him into the ground or humiliated him somehow.

And then the one who was left Victor begged her to come back with him to his house and he would hand over sunlight as he promised. So she goes with him to his house. over sunlight as he promised. So she goes with him to his house and the mother of the genius was rejoiced to see her son returned safe and sound after two years. After two years? Yes. Two years of epic rap battling. Two years of epic rap battling.

Or a dance off. A dance off. Dance battle. Two years of dance battle okay i'm sorry battle yes okay um so she prepares a room for the princess who after so much fatigue needed rest badly um and while uh the girl is out it's like she's she's making her horse comfortable in the stable first. The old woman suspects that this is actually a girl in disguise. And she tells her son that this is exactly the wife he needs. Of course. He's single.

He's single. He didn't have time for dating. He was having an epic dance off. he didn't have time for dating he was having an epic dance-off the genius scoffed and inquired what female hand could ever wield a saber like that but in spite of his sneers his mother persisted and as proof of what she said she laid at night on each of their pillows a handful of magic flowers that faded the touch of a man but remain eternally fresh in the fingers of a woman.

Where the fuck do you get these flowers? Why is everyone in this story magic? Because reasons. It's very cool. I guess I'm just jealous, that's all. Because it's fun, Kelsey.

I wish I could turn into a wolf or a dragon. I wish I was a talking horse. I don't, actually. I wish you could turn into a talking horse. I wish I could turn into a talking horse. This is very true. So the princess actually anticipated this, though, because her horse gave her all kinds of good advice and said, that lady's on to you. So she gets up in the middle of the night and she switches her flower with, um, the other genius.

And so when the mother checks them in the morning, she sees a withered, a withered bouquet next to both of their heads and they spend uh they spend a little more time at this genius's house trying to trap her into revealing that she is in fact a woman um the genius takes her into the garden and says like oh you know pick as pick any flowers you want pick some flowers please and the princess suspecting a trap inquired roughly why they were wasting precious hours in the garden when as men they should be in the stables looking after their horses hell yeah yeah doing manly stuff too manly just two dudes just two dudes taking care of their horses. Horse boys. The genius's mother also tries to trick her again, this time by taking the princess into the armory and offering her one of the weapons that's in there. And the princess looked at all the weapons closely closely felt the edges and points of their blades and then she hung at her belt an old sword with a curved blade that would have done credit to an ancient warrior and this is also a sign of her manhood apparently

because she wasn't she wasn't bought off by any of the ones that were like ornamented and like gold and jewels and stuff because she's not a shallow frivolous lady because men can't like pretty things men don't like pretty things true warriors understand that's problematic yeah it's super problematic this this story like has a case of gender and it also has a case of gender roles uh-huh yeah so she informs the genius after that that she's going to leave early the next day and take sunlight with her and the genius's mother finally gives up good on proving this she's not interested yeah that really should have been where it started and stopped but it's a fairy tale so don't worry there's more problematic stuff ahead

yay yay so the princess leaves the next morning with sunlight um and her and her other horse and you know they're running they're they're running off towards the the next thing and her old horse who was galloping at her side, said, up to this time, mistress, you have obeyed my counsels and all has gone well. I am old, and now there is someone to take my place. I will confess it. I'm afraid that my strength is not equal to the task that lies before me. Give me leave, therefore, to return home, and do you continue your journey under the care of my brother? Oh, I thought he was going was gonna say chop my head off no no no no no no no no he just wants to go home like he's old he's done and he has procured a younger also also very wise helpful horse

for this girl at least we're not you you know, losing a horse. Well. Yeah. Well, you're losing one horse, but not the other. The old horse says, wisdom has come early to sunlight. Aw. And she says, oh my gosh. Yes, of course. You've been so helpful. I love you so much.

I'm so sad to see you go. Only I must have a proof that sunlight loves me as much as you do. She has anxiety. She does. All of these girls have anxiety. Oh, yeah, I forgot. I forgot what was her older sister was also a ball of anxiety. I forgot about I forgot they were different people for a sec. Yeah. How should I not love you? Answered sunlight. How should I not be proud to serve a warrior such as you?

Trust me, mistress, and you shall never regret the absence of my brother. I know there will be difficulties in our path, but we will face them together. I'm not mad at you.

I'm not mad at you. I know. Oh, it's so sad funny such a weird part of the story it is like it's just it's constant reassurance does this horse love me as much as you how can i be sure who cares okay i'm not mad at you i don't know he was been really quiet all morning and I worry that I said something. I made an offhand comment that only I remember earlier this morning. He's been torturing me for hours. God, it's so relatable. It is.

So then with tears in her eyes, the princess took leave of her old horse who galloped back to her father she had ridden only a few miles further when she saw a golden curl lying on the road before before her she asked sunlight whether it would be better to take it or leave it and sunlight says if you take it you will repent and if you don, you will repent. And if you don't, you will repent too. So take it. Either way, you're fucked. Either way, you're kind of fucked. And just kidding. I am mad at you.

Sorry. That was such a sassy thing to say. I know. Sunlight's a much sassier horse. Okay. You're going to love him. The only one with's a much sassier horse. Okay. You're gonna love him. And I like how Sunlight's the only one with a name. Yeah. So far, yeah, that's so true.

I really hope there's no horse murder in this. I am... On the edge of your seat, huh? I love... I'm glad that there are so many horses to make me scared, though. It's exciting. Yeah, this is a very horse-forward story. Ugh. This should have been in a book of

magic horses if only uh she on that advice she does take it good and they continue their journey i guess so we're gonna find out and they finally reached the court of the overlord. He was sitting on his throne, surrounded by the sons of other kings who served him as pages. And these youths came forward to greet their new companion and wondered why they felt so attracted to him. Because you're all bisexual. The princess was led straight to the throne and explained in a low voice the reason of her coming the emperor received her kindly and declared himself fortunate at finding a vassal so brave and so charming and begged the princess to remain in attendance on his person she was however very careful in her behavior towards the other pages whose way of life

did not please her one day however she had been amusing herself by making sweetmeats when two of the young princes looked in to pay her a visit she offered them some of the food which was already on the table and they thought it so delicious that they even licked their fingers so as not to lose a morsel. And of course, these gossipy boys did not keep the news of their discovery to themselves, but they told all of their companions that they had just enjoyed the best supper they had ever had since they were born. Wow. She's a real good cook. Yeah. And from that moment, the princess was left no peace till she had promised to cook them all dinner. Hell yeah. I think

that's fair. Absolutely. When you discover that someone's a... Yes. Yeah. Sorry, I interrupted you. Oh, no, no. Just the best meal ever. Like, yeah. Now you have to cook for all of us. The best food you've had since being born?

Yeah. It's kind of a weird way to put it, but. Yeah. It's a weird way to put it, but it's also, it's very evocative. That means you must have more of that. Mm-hmm. Share this gift. Is this going to be a situation where cooking is like women's work?

Because there are, I don't know. It's so stupid anyway now kelsey it happened that on the very day fixed all the cooks in the palace became intoxicated and there was no one left to make up a fire or to cook that's so weird so weird that coincidentally all the cooks got drunk. Too drunk to cook. And when the pages heard of this shocking state of things, they went to their companion and implored her to come to the rescue. The princess was fond of cooking and was besides very good natured.

So she put on an apron and she went down to the kitchen without delay. Aw. Cute. She's all excited. She's like, I love cooking. She loves cooking. Sure. Okay.

When the dinner was placed before the emperor, he found it so nice that he ate much more than was good for him. And the next morning, as soon as he woke, he sent for his head cook and told him to send up the same dishes as before. Mm-hmm. he sent for his head cook and told him to send up the same dishes as before. The cook, seized with fright at this command, which he knew he could not fulfill, fell on his knees and confessed the truth. Oh, yeah. Okay, I get it.

The emperor was so astonished that he forgot to scold, and while he was thinking over the matter, some of his pages came in and said that their new companion had been heard to boast that he knew where ilian was to be found the celebrated ilian of the song which begins golden hair the fields are green i don't know this is such as this is such a tone shift in this story like all of a sudden we're going off down a totally different track uh Uh-huh. I was a little confused. I was also confused when I read. I was like, is this the same story? Yes. Okay. But it's just, it's not even about dinner anymore.

Yeah. It's, I don't know why they did any of that. I was expecting it to be like somebody was going to try to prove that it was a woman again. Me too. And then, no then no it's but it's just the cooking thing is just a strange tangent you know they just wanted to talk about how great she is at cooking yeah that's literally it that's literally all okay anyway so there's someone called ilian golden hair that people are really into and the pages tell tell the emperor that they have certain knowledge that the prince

has a curl of her hair in his possession when he heard that the emperor desired the page to be brought before him and as soon as the princess obeyed his summons he said to her fet fruners you have hidden from me the fact that you knew the golden haired ilian why did you do this i've treated you more kindly than all my other pages and the princess uh is made to show him the golden curl and he and he says to her listen to me unless by some means or other you bring me the owner of this lock i will have your head cut off in the place where you stand wow just not the horse's head not the horse's head hers who cares so despite her protest and trying to explain to this man that like i found a curl

of hair on the ground yeah it's not that deep it's not that deep bro uh he still makes her go so she goes to consult sunlight what she is to do and he tells her do not be afraid mistress only last night my brother appeared to me in a dream and told me that a genius had carried off iliane whose hair you picked up on the road but iliane declares that before she marries her captor, he must bring her as a present all of the mares that belong to her. Oh. The genius, half crazy with love, thinks of nothing night and day but how this can be done. And meanwhile, she's quite safe in the island swamps of the sea. So go back to the emperor and ask him for 20 ships filled with precious merchandise.

And the rest you shall know by and by. Helping out from afar still. What a wonderful horse. I know. He's the best horse. He just appears. Yeah. It's the wonderful horses.

Definitely related to the wonderful horse. Absolutely. They all know each other. They do. They're all brothers, actually. Yeah. The ships were soon ready and the princess entered the largest and finest with sunlight at her side. And they head west and are eventually brought to the islands where Illyann is, whoever she is.

Whoever that is. Whoever that is, I still don't know. She sounds super hot. She sounds really hot. There's a whole song about it. They cast anchor in a little bay and the princess made haste to disembark with sunlight. But before leaving the ship, she tied to her belt a pair of tiny golden slippers adorned with precious stones and then she rides until she comes to several palaces built on hinges so they could always turn toward the sun

cool i think that's super cool what a fun like fantasy element yeah In this of like the, the, the Catholic palaces just swing like, and follow the sun around. I don't know. Like that's very extra, very extra, but fun. The most splendid of these palaces was guarded by three servants whose greedy eyes were caught by the glistening gold of the slippers.

They hastened up to the owner of these treasures and inquired who he was. A merchant, replied the princess, who had somehow missed his road and lost himself among the island swamps of the sea. And not knowing if it was proper to receive him or not, the servants returned to their mistress and told her all they had seen, but not before she had caught sight of the merchant from the roof of her palace herself. Luckily, her jailer was away, always trying to catch those mares. So for the moment, she was free and alone. The story is also super vague about like what it means by all the mares who belong to her.

Uh-huh. I just... I am, yeah, I don't know. I don't know what that means. I don't know why they're who belong to her. Uh-huh. I just... Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what that means. I don't know why they're so hard to catch. I don't know why her mares don't live in a stable at her old house and would be easy to find. I was just expecting them to get killed.

There are a lot of horses in this story. There are a lot of horses. Yeah, but I guess they're very evasive magic mares, or maybe she's a magic lady or something. No idea. If anyone does know, you know, hit us up. Ileana insists on going down to the shore and seeing the beautiful slippers for herself. to the shore and seeing the beautiful slippers for herself. They were even lovelier than she expected.

And when the merchant besought her to come on board and inspect some that he thought were finer still, her curiosity was too great to refuse. And she got on the boat and she was so busy turning over all the precious things stored there because women are so easily distracted. Pretty glittery. She's like a raven. She's like a raven. Shiny.

Shiny. Women are like magpies. Yeah, exactly. All of us. So she's so busy looking over all the treasure, she doesn't notice that the ship is now underway. It is sailing away from this island. I like her. Yeah. And when she did

find out that they're sailing away, she rejoiced in her heart that she pretended to weep and lament at being carried captive a second time. But she's pretty jazzed, which I don't know, that tells me she was like, you're just going to let me get on this boat? All right.

I'm going to get on the boat. Excellent. An escape plan. So they get back to the court of the emperor, and they're just about to land when the mother of the genius stood before them. And this is a different mother okay this is the mother of the genius that took ilian captive gotcha not the mother of the genius at the roof of the world they could have just given them names they could have just given them some fucking names thank you for the clarification though you're welcome i got very confused on my first read

through of this story she's back no different mother different genius okay she had learned that iliane had fled from her prison in company with a merchant and had come in pursuit striding over the blue waters hopping from wave to wave, one foot reaching to heaven, the other planted in the foam. She was close at their heels, breathing fire and flame when they stepped on shore from the ship. She's cool. Very cool. One glance told Ileane who the horrible old woman was, and she whispered hastily to her companion. And without saying a word, the princess swung her into sunlight saddle

and leaping up behind her, they were off in a flash. It was not till they drew near the town that the princess stooped and asked sunlight what they should do. Put your hand into my left ear, said he, and take out a sharp stone, which you must throw behind you.

Ew. Why is there a sharp stone in your ear, my horse? I've just been there for a really long time. It's very uncomfortable. Don't ask questions. The princess did as she was told and a huge mountain sprung up behind them. Whoa. I feel like I said cool a lot, but there's a lot of cool shit happening.

I know. There's a lot of cool shit happening in this story. That is casually changing the topography. Yeah, just... Oh, mountain range oh mountain range oh boom a mountain that the mother of the genius begins to climb and though they galloped quickly she was quicker still they heard her coming faster and faster and the horse says put your hand into my right ear and throw the brush you will find there behind you. A forest. Nailed it.

A big, thick forest springs up behind them, so thick were its leaves that even a wren could not get through. But the old woman seized hold of the branches and flung herself like a monkey from one to the other. And always she drew nearer. Always, always, till their hair was singed by the flames coming from her mouth. Cool. I know. It's kind of metal. It is.

I want artwork of this. I want artwork. Give it to me. Me too. So the final thing that sunlight tells her to do is to take the betrothal ring off of Ileane's finger and throw that behind you.

So they do that. And then there sprang up a great tower of stone, smooth as ivory, hard as steel, which reached up to heaven itself. And the mother of the genius gave a howl of rage, knowing that she could neither climb it nor get through it. But she was not beaten yet. And gathering herself together, she made a prodigious leap, which landed her on top of the tower, right in the middle of Iliad's ring, which lay there and held her tight.

Only her claws could be seen grasping the battlements. All that could be done, the old witch did, but the fire that poured from her mouth never reached the fugitives, though it laid waste to the country a hundred miles around the tower like the flames of a volcano. Great. Yeah. Damn, she sounds really badass.

Super badass. And now trapped inside this tower. Oh, actually, no, she's dead. Hang on. Her hands gave way and falling down to the bottom of the tower, she was broken in pieces. Wow. I want to see artwork of this. I know.

It's so, like, visual. Yeah, fun imagery on this. Mm-hmm. like visual. Yeah. Fun imagery on this. When the princess saw what had happened, she rode back to the spot as sunlight counseled her and placed her finger on the top of the tower,

which was gradually shrinking into the earth. In an instant, the tower had vanished as if it had never been. And in its place was the finger of the princess with a ring around it. The emperor received Ileane with all the respect that was due her and fell in love at first sight. Mm-hmm. Yeah, she did.

But this, well, Ileane didn't, the emperor fell in love with Ileane. Oh, never mind. Yeah. I think I'm just- Ileane does, is not into this. Oh, okay. Ileane is not into this. Oh, okay.

Her face is sad as she walks about the palace or the gardens, wondering how it was that while other girls did as they liked, she was always in the power of someone whom she hated. Mm-hmm. Aw. I know. Again, like, kind of a surprisingly, like, you might even be, you're tugging at something that might be a little feminist here yeah yeah right why am i like the damsel in distress actually gets to muse why am i always getting captured by garbage dudes yep so when the emperor proposes to her she answers noble sovereign i may not think of marriage till my horses have been brought to me with their trappings all complete. When he heard this, he once more sent for Fetfruners and said, Fetfruners, fetch me instantly all of her mares with their trappings all complete.

If not, your head shall pay forfeit. And something else I love is Fetfruners, the princess, complains. She actually complains. She says, Mighty Emperor, I kissed your hands. I have but just returned from doing your bidding. And behold, you send me on another mission and stake my head on its fulfillment when your court is full of valiant young men pining to win their spurs that's funny they say you are a just man then why not entrust this quest to one of them where am i to seek these mares that i am to bring you. Like, God damn it. Are you for real? Yeah, dude, I just came back

from a difficult and dangerous mission. Can you send anyone else? No, I don't think any other fairy tale protagonist like in this story structure has ever complained about being sent on another task. Yeah, right. They just task yeah right they just do it they just do it so she asks where am i to seek these mares anyway and he says how should i know they may be anywhere in heaven or earth but wherever they are you will have to find them and the princess bows and went to consult sunlight he listened while she told her tale and then said fetch quickly nine buffalo skins smear them well with tar and lay them on my back do not fear you will succeed in this also but in the end the emperor's desires will be his undoing

good because this emperor is a pain in the ass. He's such a pain in the ass. It doesn't even seem like he's that big of an asshole comparatively, but he's being a pain. He's being annoying. So annoying. It's too many quests. Just one quest would have been more than enough. So this is soon accomplished and the princess and sunlight head off. The way was long and difficult,

but at length they reached the place where the mares were grazing. Apparently they are findable and they're all together. So I don't know what was taking like a literal god that much time. That's lucky. They're all just hanging out.

Yeah. Here the genius who had carried off Ileane was wandering about trying to discover how to capture them, all the while believing that she was safe in the palace where he had left her. And as soon as she caught sight of him, the princess went up and told him that Ileane had escaped and that his mother, in her efforts to recapture her, had died of rage. Oh, bad news. Bad news. Bad news bad news died of rage is so funny to me though uh-huh it's accurate it's accurate at this news a blind fury took possession of the genius and he rushed madly upon the princess who awaited his onslaught with perfect calmness as he came on with his saber lifted high in the air,

sunlight bounded right over his head. So the sword fell harmless. And when in her turn, the princess prepared to strike the horse sank upon his knees so that the blade pierced the geniuses thigh. The fight was so fierce. It seemed as if the earth would give way under them. And for 20 miles round the beasts

in the forests fled to their caves for shelter huh yeah and at last when her strength was almost gone the genius lowered his sword for an instant the princess saw her chance and with one swoop of her arm severed her enemy's head from his body nice. And still trembling from the long struggle, she turned away and went to the meadow where the mares were feeding. By the advice of sunlight, she took care not to let them see her and climbed a thick tree where she could see and hear without

being seen herself. Then he neighed and the mares came galloping up, eager to see the newcomer. All but one horse who did not like strangers and thought they were very well as they were. I love it. All these horses have such personality. As sunlight stood his ground,

well pleased with the attention paid him, the sulky creature, uh-huh, is like, yes, I am handsome. The sulky creature, uh-huh, is like, yes, I am handsome. The sulky creature suddenly advanced to the charge and bit so violently that had it not been for the nine buffalo skins, sunlight's last moment would have come. Wow. That's intense. This mirror would have bitten straight through him what a bitch what a bitch but that's why he wanted the buffalo skins it had nothing to do

with the fight he just was scared he was just like one of those bitches uh-huh is gonna bite me so hard i'm gonna need some protection yeah protection. Yeah. So he fights the mare. And when the fight was ended, the buffalo skins were ribbons and the beaten animal was writhing with pain on the grass. Jeez. Nothing now remained to be done but to drive the whole herd to the emperor's court. So the princess came down from the tree and mounted sunlight while the herd followed meekly after, the wounded horse bringing up the rear. So no dead horses yet.

No dead horses? I'm amazed. Just in case you thought that might be the one. There are so many horses. Well, it's not... Yeah. Man, yeah. So many horses and not a single one has died so far

not a single dead horse i'm not complaining like i understand i don't want the horses to get murdered but of course not you know but odds are and honestly like it's kind of shocking yeah because there's so many horses in this story. So on reaching the palace, she goes to tell the emperor, I did it. No more quests. For like a week, please. Yeah, at least. The news was told at once to Ileane, who ran down directly and called the horses to her one by one, each mare by her name.

And at the first sight of her, the wounded animal shook itself quickly, and in a moment its wounds were healed. There was not even a mark on her glossy skin. This is such a pro-horse story. I love it. It is. I think like as much as Norwegians hate horses, Romanians probably fucking love them. Absolutely. If this story is anything to go off of. Yeah. We'll have to read more and find out. This is horse appreciation day. Yay. By this time, the emperor on hearing where was, joined her in the yard and at her request ordered the mares to be milked so that both he and she might bathe in the milk and keep young forever.

Hmm. Uh-huh. Okay. But the mares would suffer no one to come near them and the princess was commanded to perform this service also. At this, the heart of the girl swelled within her the hardest tasks were always given to her and long before the two years were up she would be worn out and useless but while these thoughts passed through her mind a fearful rain fell such as no man remembered before and rose till the mares were standing up to their knees in water then as suddenly it stopped and behold the water was ice which held the animals firmly in its grasp

and the princess's heart grew light again and she sat down gaily to milk them as if she had done it every morning of her life hmm hmm indeed yeah what a convenient rainstorm ice storm right yeah the love of the emperor for ilian waxed greater day by day but she paid no heed to him and always had an excuse ready to put off their marriage at length when she had come to the end of everything she could think of she said to him grant me sire just one request more and and then i really will marry you for you have waited patiently this long time my beautiful dove replied the emperor both i and all i possess are yours so i ask your will and you shall have it. No.

Get me. I know he's like, he's really into her. That's nice. Yeah. Get me then. She said a flask of the holy water that is kept

in a little church beyond the river Jordan and I will be your wife. After this one other thing. Unless I can think of anything else. Oh, and shock of shock of shocks the emperor orders fet fruners to ride without delay to the river jordan and to bring back at whatever cost the

holy water for iliane this my mistress said sunlight when she was saddling him is the last and most difficult of your tasks but fear nothing for the hour of the emperor has struck and so they started off and the horse who was not a wizard for nothing told the princess exactly where she was to look for the holy water it stands he said on the altar of a little church and is guarded by a troop of nuns they never sleep a troop of nuns a troop of nuns. They never sleep. A troop of nuns? A troop of nuns. Amazing. Yes. Terrifying.

Yes. They've all got rulers. They're all just waiting. Oh, yeah. Nothing scarier. Than a troop of nuns. Than a nun teacher. They never sleep, night or day,

but every now and then a hermit comes to visit them and from him they learn certain things it is needful for them to know. When this happens, only one of the nuns remains on guard at a time

and if we are lucky enough to hit upon this moment, we may get hold of the vase at once. If not, we shall have to wait until the arrival of the hermit, however long it may be, for there is no other means of the vase at once. If not, we shall have to wait until the arrival of the hermit, however long it may be, for there is no other means of obtaining the holy water.

So like they all have to talk to the hermit except for one of them. That's a weird rule. It's a, I don't know what you're talking about. That makes perfect sense. It's a super elaborate. Yeah, it's a very elaborate plan. I don't know what you're talking about. That makes perfect sense. It's super elaborate. Yeah, it's a very elaborate plan. Are you taking notes?

Are you writing this down? They came in sight of the church and to their great joy beheld the hermit just arriving at the door. Nice. Wow. They do sleep. You've got... Yeah, it said they don't sleep. It said they don't, but they do. Also, you have one job.

Seriously. Now time can wait. You have one job. Goodness gracious. Lucky. Okay. Final page. Are you ready?

Oh, I'm so ready. Then sunlight told the princess what she was to do, and the girl stepped softly over the sleeping nun and crept like a cat along the dark aisle, feeling the wall with her fingers, lest she should fall over something and ruin it all by a noise. Yeah, that would suck. It would. But she reached the altar in safety and found the vase of holy water standing on it. This she thrust into her dress and went back with the same care as she came.

With a bound, she was in the saddle and seizing the reins, bade sunlight take her home as fast as his legs could carry him. I was kind of hoping for a nun battle, but. Well. All these nuns attacking'm sorry it would have been pretty freaking cool i mean it was not to be she defeated at 12 head of dragon i think she can take on some nuns take on some nuns sleepless not well that they clearly they're not sleepless completely yeah that's that's fair so the sound of flying hooves aroused the nun who understood instantly that the precious treasure

was stolen and her shrieks were so loud and piercing that all the rest came flying to see what was the matter the hermit followed at their heels but seeing it was impossible to overtake the thief he fell on his knees and called his deadly curse down on her head praying that if the thief was a man he might become a woman and if she was a woman that she might become a man in either case he thought the punishment would be severe that's's funny. He didn't even know. How weird is that? Again, a very convenient curse. But punishments are things about which people do not always agree.

And when the princess suddenly felt she really was the man she pretended to be, she was delighted. And if the hermit had only been within reach, she would have thanked him from her heart. Aww. I know. Aww. Aww. Now he's gonna go save Ileana, and they're gonna... Yeah.

They're gonna do it. They're gonna do it. By the time he reached the emperor's court, Fett Fruners looked a young man all over in the eyes of everyone, and even the mother of the genius would now have had her doubts set at rest. He drew forth the vase from his tunic and held it up to the emperor, saying, Mighty Sovereign, all hail. I have fulfilled this task also, and I hope it is the last you have for me. Let another now take his turn. Uh-huh. I am content, Fetfruners, replied the emperor,

and when I am dead, it is you who will sit upon my throne, for I have yet no son to come after me. But if one is given to me, and my dearest wish is accomplished, then you shall be his right hand and guide him with your counsels. But though the emperor was satisfied, Ileane was not, and she determined to revenge herself on the emperor for the dangers

which he had caused Fret Fruners to run. And as for the vase of holy water, she thought that, in common politeness, her suitor ought to have fetched it himself, which he could have done without any risk at all. That's fair. That's fair.

She's right. Yeah. She's right, you know. So she ordered the great bath to be filled with the milk of her mares and begged the emperor to clothe himself in white robes and enter the bath with her, an invitation he accepted with joy. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

I want to take a milk bath with you, baby. Ew. Sticky. Yeah, right. Then when both were standing with the milk reaching to their necks, she sent for the horse, which had fought sunlight and made a secret sign to her the horse understood what she was to do and from one nostril she breathed fresh air over iliane and from the

other she snorted a burning wind which shriveled up the emperor where he stood leaving only a little heap of ashes oh shit i know okay yeah she's someone's a fighty horse. I know. I love it. Romania loves horses. I ship sunlight and this other horse. Yeah, seriously. I know she's mad at him, but. Whatever. These things can be overcome.

It was just a misunderstanding. It was. Enemies to lovers. Enemies. Oh, the enemies to lovers romance it's my favorite his strange death which no one could explain made a great sensation throughout the country and the funeral his people gave him was the most splendid ever known when it was over iliane summoned fet fruners before her and addressed him thus fet fruners it is you who brought me and have saved Yes, I will marry you.

I know. She's like, you are going to marry me. And he's like, yes. Yes, I am. Yes, ma'am. He says, yes, I will marry you, said the young man with a voice almost as soft as when he was a princess. But know that in our house, it will be the cock who sings and not the hen. The end.

Nice. Nice. Nice. Oh, that was great. I loved that. Me too. I like that story so much. In addition to it being like, I mean, you know, the obvious reason I chose it for this month was it's explicitly a trans story yep it's it's this it's the story of like someone who actually like makes a complete gender transition and is really happy

about it like i love the sentence curses are in the eye of the behold are in the eye of the beholder like yeah this guy was actually pretty pleased he was like oh awesome yep now i i'm am who i am yeah yeah i love it awesome what a perfect pride storm i can't believe you are a pride month story i can't believe you found something like that me too like in an andrew fairy book. In the Violet Fairy book of all places. All violet, you know. Yeah, there we go. Maybe they're all gay. All gay stories.

Oh, man, I should read all of the stories in here and, you know, checking for queerness. Right? That was amazing. Do you have a fix? Not really. I don't know. I think it's a pretty it's a pretty solid story start to finish there's lots of horses in it oh yeah none of the horses die

there's a dragon sort of there is sort of a dragon um there's a really dramatic king yeah i think the only thing that i think is like you know part of like our fix for a modern audience umbrella is it's very gender roley yeah and in the ways that like people try to catch her being a woman or catch him being a woman yeah um so i guess that but also like it's one of the central conceits of the story and the story isn't it the story itself is kind of subversive um but but i think i think that the thing that i don't like about it is that it does demonstrate how non-girly this person is that this person is a man already and in in many ways and in some ways i like that because it demonstrates that like people are who they are regardless of like whether or not they've

you know actually socially or like surgically transitioned but but i also don't like it because it's like it's very it's very just kind of like women are like this and men are like this. And that's that. And that's that. Men don't like pretty shiny things. Yeah. That would be ridiculous. Women are vain and easily distracted by pretty baubles.

Men, never. They understand the worth of a good old plain sword thing. So, you know, so there's that. That's kind of it. There's also, to eliminate confusion, names, please. Names for everyone in addition to sunlight. That's definitely a good fix.

Names would have been helpful. Our protagonist has a name, so that's cool. Yeah, that is very cool. What about you? Did you hear anything that you would want to fix about this story? No, it was really great. I really liked it. It was very fun.

Maybe having her want that in the first place, like wanting to be – like interest and be like in going to war instead of just being the third sister that wants to help. You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. Like peppering in a little bit about like her, like this person's desires to not like to,

to have a different role in life. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe just a little more agency in the beginning. Yeah, absolutely. And, and more and more.

Yeah. Just more of that earlier and more often. It's cause like most of the story is very much following the dutiful daughter. Yeah, exactly. Um, it's not something that it was something that she wanted necessarily.

It was something that she felt like she had to do and then she grew into it. So maybe just more of that in the beginning, I guess. It was more of a Mulan story. Yeah. You know, and not a trans empowerment story. Yeah. Yeah. And maybe talking about Ileana falling in love with him in the beginning a little bit

earlier on would be kind of fun because that's what i thought you said i i was confused i thought iliana was falling in love with the princess and that's why i got excited so i think that would have been a good fix yeah i think so too having having Ileana like noticing him. Mm hmm. And like because like it turns out at the end that she was. Yeah. It just isn't stated. Yeah. So some more of more of that earlier.

Awesome. What a great story. Thank you for telling me that. You're welcome. I was so excited when I found it. I got two points. You did? I can't believe there wasn't any horse murder. Given how many horses were in this. For real. So many.

Horses every which away. Yeah. Alrighty. Well, we don't have the time for another story. So we will see you. We have been here for two hours. We will see you in August with some brand new stories. We'll probably have some new guests coming on.

So yeah. Hope you enjoy the bonus episodes, the Patreon preview episodes that we'll release in July. And we'll be back in August. And thank you so much for listening to Fairytale Fix. If you enjoyed the show, please subscribe and leave us a review on Apple or you can rate us on Spotify.

We're at 59. I am checking it every day until we get to 60. If you love the show and want to support us, I know it's not exciting. Oh my gosh, that's so exciting. If you love the show and want to support us i know it's not exciting oh my gosh that's so exciting uh if you love the show and want to support us you can get extra episodes merch books and other bonus content at our patreon by signing up at fairytalefix.cash and again we're doing a cool um like survey giveaway thing on our patreon so go check that out. If you're interested in becoming a patron,

now's a good time to do it. And you can find us on Twitter and Instagram at Fairytale Fix Pod. And please email us your favorite fairy tales, folklore, nursery rhymes, and other such things at info at fairytalefixpod.com. Ah, and so... I don't really have a fix. I don't really, I don't like, I don't know.

Like even the things that I said earlier were just small nitpicks here and there. And so Ileane and her Prince, uh, lived together fucking happily ever after. Woo. No, no, no fix.

It was pretty awesome. The end. The end.