Fairy Tale Fix - 68: Be Little, Do Crime

Episode Date: August 8, 2023

#SwampWitchSummer is officially over and we’re back to give you some extremely WTF fairy tales! Kelsey fulfills her promise of making everyone uncomfortable with the indigenous Ponca-Otoe tale Teeth In The Wrong Places, and lightens it up a bit with indigenous Flathead folk tale Coyote Kills the Giant. Abbie randomly picks Thumbnickel from The Turnip Princess.

Hang on, I'm going to write that down as a title idea. Overly cocky. Fuck boy. Unbothered. And we're back. Again. Hello. Hi. It's been not very long for you and me, but lots, very longer for our listeners.

I'm Abby. I'm Kelsey. And this is Fairytale Fix, a what the fuck fairytale podcast. Where we take old classics in the fairy and folktale genre. Wow. That's accurate. And big scare quotes, fix them for a modern audience. It's so much fun.

And we are glad to be back. We took a little summer break. We hope you enjoyed the Patreon preview episodes and that you were encouraged to rush over to our Patreon to, you know, listen to the, what is it, 18 other episodes we have on there? We've got a lot. Yeah, like if you subtract the ones that we've released to the public

feed, then I think it's 16. It'll be 16. 17 because we have our very first episode that we ever recorded as like a test run back in 2018. You know what? Absolutely. That super duper counts. It's a fun one. I really like it. It's a really fun one.

I was considering having that be one of the summer episodes, but I was like, no, it's just too special. It's too special. That one's – I'm sorry. You have to pay us for that one. You want to hear all that nonsense. Man, that was a different time. It's objectively our worst episode and

also objectively our best episode at the exact same time. And yeah, that's Patreon only. So yeah, I hope you we hope you enjoyed those episodes and we're excited to be back. Like you said, it hasn't been that long, but I'm excited because I have some really,

really fun stories. And we have really fun news. Speaking of Patreon. Oh yeah. We have a new fairy overlord. All hail Giselle. The needlessly complicated. The needlessly complicated. The needlessly complicated.

She said that in her email to us. So, you know, she owns it. We are so excited to have you as our new fairy overlord, along with Angel, our other fairy overlord. Our beautiful, gracious

fairy overlords. Thank you so much for joining our Patreon. We hope you love the bonus episodes. We hope you love all the like fun. We're trying to do more stuff over there too in general. So make it more rewarding. We hope you love it. And thank you.

We love you. We hope you actually end up liking us because like part of the fairy overlord deal is like you get like you get to hang out with me and Kelsey once a quarter. we do like a board game night or just hang out or play dnd or whatever and i i don't know i hope i hope you find us just as cute in person as you do hearing our dulcet tones over this wow i am in a place today. You said you were having a very ADD day, ADHD day. Do you have ADD or ADHD? What's the difference? Technically, well, ADD, from what I'm told by other ADHD people on the internet, is ADD is actually a really outdated term for it. I was like, I was diagnosed with

ADD when I was a kid, but apparently that's pretty common for girls to be diagnosed with ADD and ADHD because girls have to mask harder just as just part of the social pressures of being raised female. And boys tend to have boys tend to express the H a little more because people don't really curb that kind of thing in boys as much in general. Yeah, because it's attention deficit hyper disorder, right? Attention deficit hyperactive disorder. Hyperactive disorder. But the kind of newer understanding of ADHD is that –

because the H means hyperactive, but that doesn't always come out in like, you know, squirmy, can't sit still, like screaming and yelling and running around hyperactivity focused on one like subject or you find it hard to concentrate because your brain is always sort of in a hyperactive state of multitasking or whatever, whatever it is your stupid brain is doing too much. Stupid brain? Yeah. Your stupid head. Yeah. My big stupid head doing its big stupid brain thing. I was sorry., that was from the fairy tale, Stupid Head, if you remember. Yes. Okay. I wasn't actually calling you a stupid head. I understand.

I just like that term. I think that was a bonus episode. The stupid head one? I think, maybe not. I don't remember. No, it totally was. It was, I did it for Halloween. Oh, yeah.

I think it was a bonus episode. Anyway, anywho. Anywho. Anywhozles. So, Eddie, so it is ADHD. It's just there's ADHD inattentive type, which is what I have. Okay. That's very interesting.

And how has your day been going because of that? Interesting. And how has your day been going because of that? I woke up this morning with a plan for how my day was going to go. I was going to be the most organized, efficient version of myself this morning. And then my brain said, or. Or? What'd you do instead? I instead of editing our bonus episode, which is what I was supposed to do this morning, like I went down to my kitchen, I was going to make coffee and then I was going to go downstairs, but I needed to wash the coffee pot before I could do that. So I washed the coffee pot. And then I noticed that there were other dishes that needed to be done. And then I noticed that the

counter was kind of grody. Then I noticed that the floor hadn't been like mopped in a while. And the next thing I know, I spent this morning deep cleaning my kitchen. That's a really good thing to be doing. Absolutely. And that's not more fun than editing our show. No, editing our show is more fun. But that's what I mean of like, that's where the hyperactive part comes into it is as soon as I noticed that my counter was kind of messy, I was down a rabbit hole of hyper focus on the fact that my kitchen was dirty and I literally couldn't I couldn't do anything else with my morning except yank everything off the counters yank all of the furniture out of the room move my appliances around to get underneath them clean it all put it all back and then by that time it was like two. And I, cause the other part

of, of ADHD is you forget about bodily functions you have. I realized I had never actually made coffee or eaten. Oh, that's so funny. So like by the time I had done all of this it was 2 15 and i was standing in my sparkling kitchen realizing at least there's something good that came out at least i did something productive with it sometimes it hits me and i end up doing something very unproductive all day long yeah but it doesn. Does Steven have work today? Is that why he didn't force you to eat? Exactly. Usually Steven manages me.

I was wondering. Usually Steven is in charge of making sure I remember how to person when I get like in this place. So anyway, that's why I was late to recording today because I was eating because I hadn't done that yet today. Well, now you know why if we have late episodes. And it's okay. Everybody's going to be just fine. Everybody's going to be fine.

We all love Abby so much. fine we all love Abby so much it's so funny because in the episode I'm supposed to be editing today we mentioned I think we mentioned how a lot of episodes have been late lately this is why we had the break also because we are just um behind yeah just I'm trying to get back on track and sometimes that's hard and it's been hard because also I have a new job where I'm just at the office now. I don't work from home anymore,

which is fine and I think it's been really good for my mental and physical health actually leaving the house and putting on pants. But I'm just so much less available cause I'm not at home. I still have like, you know,

yeah, much less, much less available. So we're, we're working on it. Yep. And thank you for your patience with us. Yeah.

We appreciate all of you so much. And, uh, you know, hopefully as long as the episodes do eventually get out, out, everyone will still be able to enjoy this podcast. Yeah, I'm still enjoying it. So and that's what really matters, right? That's why we do this.

That's the point. The point is I want to hang out with my friend Kelsey and talk about fairy tales all day. Oh, my gosh. It's so much fun. I have such a good one. It truly is. I've been waiting to tell you this, but I want to ask before I get started. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about? How are you?

Oh, I wanted to give the quick caveat that I just realized I should probably give. All of what I just said about ADHD comes from self-diagnostics, half-remembered things my doctor told me when I was like 12, and stuff that I have learned from other self-diagnosed ADHD people on TikTok and Instagram. Do not look to me for actual medical information. Do not take this ADHD word as gospel. That's just how I understand myself and my big stupid brain. It's smart. Please seek out actual medical advice. We are not doctors.

We're not experts in literally anything. Literally anything. Don't ask me any questions ever about anything. Ask me any question you want, but just know the answer is probably wrong. That's better. That's more realistic. What is that great saying? It's like you don't see the world is probably wrong. That's better. That's more realistic. What is that great saying? It's like, you don't see the world as it is. You see the world as you are. Ooh, I like that. Yeah. I have no idea. That's very true.

I feel like I heard that in anthropology because, you know, anthropology class, we studied anthropology. And that's basically the whole idea is that one of the key things you have to keep in mind is like yeah there is no way to separate yourself completely from what you're studying because you bring your own big stupid to everything you do. Oh, gosh. How are you? I'm good. I don't have I guess I have one update I've got and I don't I don't care if anybody doesn't like it because it's actually summer and it's weather corner. It's a high weather corner in California, when it's usually 103, it's 73 out today, which is partially why I'm so excited after this. I'm going to treat myself to a fancy lunch outside. Oh, yeah. I haven't decided where yet. I don't think I'm basically I'm not like hungry enough

that I'm picking the place on what I want to eat. I want to pick the place based on what's going to like where I can sit outside and. Who's got the nicest patio. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, absolutely. Maybe I'll invite my mom and then I'm going to go shopping. I'm just going to. That sounds amazing. Yeah, I'm really excited.

You're going to full on lady who lunches today. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, perfect weather. Gosh, I love three-day weekends. Three-day weekends are the best. I'm so glad. Oh, yeah.

So relaxing. So yeah, that's really all I've got going on. I do have my cat discovered. Cheval discovered my podcasting chair. So I've been playing Diablo 4. Yeah, you have. And my podcasting chair is very cute, playing Diablo 4. Yeah, you have. And my podcasting chair is very cute, but it's also just really comfortable. So I moved that chair into the other office where

Adam and I play games. I left it in there and I was going to move it back in here today. And I was just about to do that. And Cheval discovered it, but she does never sat in that chair before. And so now it's hers. So I'm back in my old, I was noticing that you have your gaming chair in here. Yeah. Yeah. My gaming chair is way less comfortable than my podcasting chair.

I guess. I don't know. Well, I also sit and play Diablo for a lot longer than we do the podcast for this is very true but have you noticed that in sitting there and playing diablo that it still maintains a good comfort level it does actually i don't know maybe i should switch and try again it has been very fun though i love diablo i'm so excited they finally made like they finally came out

with the fourth one. I thought they were going to stop with the mobile game and that was going to be like, there you go. Yeah, most games that I play, they don't come out,

they only come out with like, what is it? If it's Valve, they can't count past three. Yeah. Is it three or two? I think it's just- It's three.

No, two. It's two because there's only a Left 4 Dead 2 and there's a Half-Life 2. And those are two games. And a Portal 2. And Portal 2. And those are three games that I am desperate, desperate for them to come out with. In fact, if they just even wanted to tell us how the story ended and there wasn't a game, that would be fine too.

Does Half-Life 2 end on a cliffhanger? It does. It's so good. They bring the characters from the first game. Oh wait, sorry. Half-Life, right? Yeah. Oh yeah, sorry. I was thinking Left 4 Dead. I don't know why. Half-Life, both of them do. Half-Life ends on a crazy cliffhanger where

you like are in the citadel and you shoot this big tower and like bring it all down. And, um, and it just causes like this crazy, it almost looks like you're warping in between time and space.

And that's where it is. And you never find out who the man in the suit is. Um, I mean, if mean it's an old game, so I don't know if anyone's gonna get this but i love half life 2 and i got it that storyline's so cool and it's like god i should come out with a movie and just like finish it i don't even care about the gameplay as much as i just want like the story

someone tell me the story like yeah it's so good i actually recently replayed half life 2 and it's very fun. And yeah, Left 4 Dead 2 also ends on a big cliffhanger where they bring all the characters from both games together. One of them dies, but the guy who owns Valve also owns Steam, so he doesn't need any money. He doesn't need to make any more games. But you should finish them for the craft of it, you know?

Yes, the craft. For the principle of the thing, for the art. You clearly came up with, I don't actually know who wrote the stories, but they clearly came up with such like interesting stories. They were so much fun. Ugh, come on. It's so disappointing. Yeah.

Honestly, I would take movies. Like if they just wanted to make a Left 4 Dead movie and then a Half-Life movie, I would be, come on. It's so disappointing. Honestly, I would take movies. Like, if they just wanted to make a Left 4 Dead movie and then a Half-Life movie, I would be... And Portal. Portal, the story is pretty finished, though, in the second one. That one didn't end on, like, a big cliffhanger. But that would also make a fucking epic movie. Yeah, Portal is a really fun story.

Anyway, that was a long rabbit hole. Speaking of dystopia and weird horror, Kelsey, what have you got for me today? I know everyone's been waiting for it. I know I've been waiting for it. Oh, I've been waiting for it with bated breath. Tell me everything. As promised, teeth in the wrong places.

Ah! This is an indigenous story. So this is from the Oto tribe and they are located in the Midwestern part of the United States. So like Iowa and Missouri. Okay. And they have a story called Teeth in the Wrong Places. And they have an incredible story called Teeth in the Wrong Places. Trigger warning, it's exactly as horrific as you think it might be. Yay! Yes! But first, and it's a fairly short story, so I'm actually going to be reading two today. So if you are highly triggered, listen anyway. Just do it.

So I'm just going to give you two predictions for this one. Okay. All right. Two predictions. Can I predict that a guy loses his dick you can't predict that guy loses his dick okay what's what's your second prediction that was all i had in my head um that's fair um my second prediction is that um that this is something that has happened to a like non-supernatural person oh the teeth like the teeth the teeth in the wrong places have appeared on an otherwise non-supernatural human being. Okay, perfect. And I dedicate this story to all the fragile men out there who don't realize that receiving oral sex

is essentially the same thing. The danger makes it hotter. We just lost 50 followers. And that's all of them. I'm just kidding. Okay. Anyone who has a penis no longer listens to this podcast. Oh, gosh.

Okay. When Coyote was roaming around for adventures. Oh, it's a Coyote story. I mean, I'm excited, but also like. Well, okay. So Coyote in a lot of indigenous stories is also usually a man. This is true. Not an actual animal coyote.

And I think that's the case in this one. So I'm just going to tell you that now so you can picture it. Exciting. I'm pretty sure coyote is just a man. Okay. And not like a trickster god or anything. Just coyote. When coyote was roaming around for adventures, looking for great deeds to do,

someone told him of an evil sorceress, an old woman who lived with her two wicked daughters. Hot. Many young men went there to sleep with the daughters, who were very handsome, but none was ever seen alive again. Delightful. And Coyote said, that's just the place I want to go. That tracks.

Of course. Be careful, said the person who had told him about it. Whatever you do, don't sleep with these girls. It would kill you. Or so I've been told. Yeah, it will.

How could sleeping with two pretty women kill a man? Thought Coyote. And off he went. Yay! Oh my god, I wish I predicted that they were going to absorb him. Right? Like, that's... Did you ever watch American Gods? Mm-mm. There's, um,

one of the gods in question is, like, a, um, like, a fertility goddess or something like that who she like has sex with men and then she slowly absorbs them into her. And so the animation for it is the man on top of her just keeps getting smaller and smaller and smaller until she sucks him into her pussy. Dude, that's so cool. It's so fucking awesome. It's American Gods. It's called American Gods.

The first two seasons are great. The final season is confusing. And then it got canceled. And I think you'd enjoy it. I'm going to write that down right now before I forget. Yeah. Literally everything lately. I highly recommend

the first two seasons to just about anybody who enjoys like the supernatural um it's a very it's a very fun story ian mcshane is in it i love ian mcshane anyway sorry i totally derailed that but that's just what i'm imagining now i love it. The old woman was very nice to him when he arrived. Her two daughters were very beautiful. Come in, come in, the mother said. You're a good looking young man. Just the kind of person I'd like to have for a son-in-law. Ooh.

Coyote went into the teepee with his bow and quiver. Sit down, sit down, the old woman said. You'll get something good to eat. My daughters will serve you. The girls brought Coyote many good dishes. Buffalo hump, tongues, all kinds of meat. One of the daughters, the older one, said, You sure are handsome.

Coyote thought to himself, My informant was wrong. These are good people. Oh, geez. By nightfall, Coyote was full of good food and getting drowsy. You must be tired after your journey,

the old woman said. And it's cold outside. Lie down and sleep between my two daughters. They'll keep you warm. Ooh, I bet they will. Warm with your own blood, maybe. Coyote snuggled between the two girls. He felt amorous, but he wondered. In the dark, the face of the pretty young girl brushed his. She was whispering in his ear, pretty soon my sister will ask you to sleep with her.

I'm supposed to ask you to, but you mustn't do it. Why not? Asked Coyote. The old woman is a witch, said the girl. She's not really my mother. I'm her prisoner, though the other girl is her daughter. Oh no! This witch has put teeth into both our vaginas, and when a man comes to visit, she gets him to copulate with us.

Then these teeth take hold of his penis and chew it into bits. Once he's taken in, he can't pull it out no matter how hard he tries. You should hear those poor young men cry. They cry until they die. Why do you tell me this? Cry until they die. That's the episode title is cry until you die. Oh, man.

I can't even read it with a straight face. It's also just so literal, which I really love. She's just being straight forward. She really love. She's just being straight forward. She really is. She's laying it all out for her. And obviously, Coyote's fucking horrified. Why did you tell me this? But also, like, confused, because she is honestly being the MVP in this story.

Yeah, I'm also so sad that she's a prisoner. I kind of, I, you know, just kind of wanted everybody to be happy, to just kind of be happily taking penises left and right. You have a fix for the story. I love it. I do, I do. So Coyote asks, why do you tell me this? I like you and I hate doing the old woman's dirty work. After the poor young men are dead, she takes all their things. She

likes robbing them, but she likes hearing them die even better. She's just an old fucking... She's just awful. I don't believe you. I don't believe you is what Coyote responds with. I would

respond with, no, bye. Thanks for the warning. Seriously. I just remembered somewhere terribly urgent that I have to be. Then listen. Do you hear the noise?

Yes, I do hear it. It's a strange noise. It's the grinding of the sharp teeth inside our vaginas. Tell me more. Coyote heard the grinding. He then believed what the girl said.

Coyote and the girl pretended to sleep and after a while the older girl, the old woman's daughter, pulled at his sleeve strong young man she whispered you must be hot for us let me make you happy get on top of me quick get into me coyote could hear the teeth gnashing furiously inside her vagina i've been thinking of nothing else since i first saw you pretty one said coyote but let me take my clothes off hurry up said the impatient girl don't dawdle put it in she wants him she does she wants to eat

his penis i wonder if she can get like nutritional value from that so that's like mashing mashing that meat i mean i'm sure there's some nutritional value probably a lot though it's mostly like what muscle i guess i don't know i don't want to think about it coyote took a hold of a thick long stick still warm from the fire and stuck it deep into that wicked girl's vagina oh my god oh a real man at last said the girl how good it feels a real big one for a change the teeth inside her were chewing and wood splinters were flying out all over coyote so she's just a little wood chipper now she doesn't even notice she's like finally damn but oh my god so i also love that she is just casually emasculating in more ways than one all of the other men that she's done this to

oh whoo he thought this is really something quickly he grabbed an arrow from his quiver and thrust it deep into the girl before the teeth could snap shut. The teeth closed upon the shaft near the feathers, but it was too late. The arrowhead had already reached the evil girl's heart, and she died. Whoa. Oh, no. It would have had to rip through a lot of other stuff on its way there. Geez. Yeah, this is a violent story.

Very. Maybe I should have triggered warning a little harder. I don't like this part. I thought it was funnier when they were just eating people's penises. Then the coyote went over to the old woman and killed her with his knife. He told the younger girl, you've saved my life, so come with me and I'll marry you. How can you, said the girl. I'd like to be your wife, but I have these teeth in the wrong place.

I'll take care of that, Coyote told her, so come on. Like how? Coyote's got a plan. I'm actually really impressed with this man. Okay, all right, do continue. They started off for Coyote's house and walked all one day. When everything came, C coyote built a brush shelter for the two of them he put sage into it for a bed now i'm going to make love to you he said

no never said the girl it would kill you well of course but first i have to knock your teeth out said coyote and not the ones in your head so he knocked out the teeth in the girl's vagina except for one blunt tooth that was very thrilling when making love. They were happy with Coyote and this girl. The end. Okay! It also

says, told in New York City by a pixie-ish old lady who would like to remain anonymous. Recorded by Richard Erdas. A pixie-ish old lady. This, well, I mean, I'm sure she wanted to remain anonymous telling this story.

I worship her. Thank you for giving us this story. Thank you, unnamed pixie-ish old lady. Fucking bless you. That story was amazing. Oh, wow. old lady fucking bless you that story was amazing oh wow oh my goodness that was just as good like they're i want the movie i want the movie i want the animated short no i want a full-on horror movie you want to feature directed bylength film? Directed by Jordan Peele. Please and thanks. No, actually, fuck that.

I want this one to be directed by a woman. Obviously an indigenous woman. Obviously a woman needs to direct this one. So never mind. I take it. I just love Jordan Peele. I think he does horror really well. He really does.

He does a great job. But yes, definitely like a Midwest indigenous person needs to direct this this one that's what i would like please preferably of the vagina having persuasion yeah there you go so good i didn't have any fixes for that one did you oh man you want him just to be gobbling up penises that's originally what i wanted a little bit but I love the ending so much about how he leaves one blunt tooth in there because it's really exciting during lovemaking. And I kind of love that for both of them. I know. Like, whatever's going to make this like a little kinkier and a little hotter for the two of you than like, you know, go fine.

And I was that young lady is what the old pixie showman should have ended with god damn it i love that story yeah i guess no i guess no fixes i still i i loved the ending too much to actually want to go back and fix anything else. Isn't that fun? Oh, that was so fun. That was so perfect. I love how stuff like this comes up that's just about just kind of like the underlying fear of like people with penises who like to have sex with people with vaginas. That maybe there's going to be some choppers in there yeah i god damn it i love this story so much oh that was just fun it was very

cute and i love that you know overly cocky fuckboy coyote goes in like as a challenge thinking, yeah, I want to sleep with these two women. And then he ends up finding love. Then he finds love and exciting sex. I know. This girl. It really is like a happy ending. It is a happy ending.

I think that's really sweet but i also i just also love just the premise of it which is they're not doing it to they're they're just doing it to any guy who stumbles upon them not for any particular reason outside of the old woman just likes torturing men right she just thinks it's funny. She just likes hearing their cries. Yeah, she likes hearing their screams while their penis gets etched. Oh, gosh.

Anyway. Amazing. I'm glad you liked that story. Kelsey, that was so good. Wasn't that fun? Thank you. I'm going to be thinking about that one forever. I'm going to go downstairs

and I'm going to tell that story to Steven. Yeah, I definitely immediately told it to Adam and he hated it. I bet. Which was very funny. Okay. The next one I'm going to tell you is called Coyote Kills the Giant. Oh, two coyote stories. I'm so excited. This i'm you know actually i'm gonna let you um i'm gonna let you make your predictions before i tell you what i think um and this one's also pretty short so i guess just like two again oh and for the

first one i mean men did lose their dicks i I'm giving you that point. Thank you. And it happened to a non-supernatural. So you get both of those points. Congratulations. Thank you. So give me two predictions for Coyote Kills the Giant. I'm sorry. I just have one more question. One more question.

I just remembered about it. How did he get the teeth out of her? Just as he knocked him out? Did he just punch her in the crotch until they fell out? I think so. He just knew he's fine with it. God! I wonder how many times he had to punch her.

I think if it does get made into a horror movie though it needs to have a completely different ending yeah there's got to be some like you gotta that was 15 minutes worth of plot i have to figure something else out i think this i think it would be a good if it ended like you think he's happy, but then she's also evil and she gets him anyway somehow. She eats his dick someday? He wants oral sex randomly and then she just eats it normally. I still have teeth in the right place. I still have teeth in the right place. Oh, goodness. God damn it. Okay, sorry sorry wasn't that good yeah it was incredible can you tell me what uh what nation coyote kills the giant is from yes it's from flathead and that is a north

american indian tribe in western montana western montana. Alrighty. In the Rockies. Okay, Coyote Kills the Giant. Give me two predictions. You know, I love me a good giant story. I know you do. And this one's really good. I wish it were longer, actually.

Coyote and the Giant have some kind of contest. Okay. Coyote and giant have a contest. There are multiple giants. Multiple giants. I love it. Okay. Okay.

Without further ado, coyote kills the giant. Amazing. Lay it on me. Coyote was walking one day. Oh, I was going to say also, I imagine this one is an actual coyote. I don't think that's true. But I think that's not. Because coyotes are small.

And they're very cute. They're very cute. They're way better than humans. Obviously. Anyway. Coyote was walking one day when he met old woman and that's capitalized so old woman is her name now that's her proper name exactly first name old last name woman she greeted him and asked where he was headed hello just roaming around. Wait, what? Said, hello, old.

Yeah, hello, old. I'm Coyote. She greeted him and asked where he was headed. Just roaming around, said Coyote. You better stop going that way or you'll meet a giant who kills everybody. Oh, giants don't frighten me, said Coyote, who had never met one. Which I think is really funny. I love Coyote as a character. Me too.

I always, and he goes on, I always kill them. I'll fight this one too and make an end of him. He's bigger and closer than you think, said the old woman. I don't care said coyote deciding that a giant would be about as big as a bull moose and calculating that he could kill one easily so coyote said goodbye to old woman and went ahead whistling a tune coyote's making a lot of assumptions there absolutely which i don't I don't know, I still love. Relatable.

Overly cocky fuckboy coyote. This is the same coyote, I bet. Oh, 100%. This is one of his adventures pre-going to, you know,

the vagina place. Exactly. On his way, he saw a large fallen branch that looked like a club. Picking it up, he said to himself, I'll hit the giant over the head with this. It's big enough and heavy enough to kill him.

He walked on and came to a huge cave right in the middle of the path. Whistling merrily, he went in. Suddenly, Coyote met a woman who was crawling along the ground. What's the matter? he asked. I'm starving, she said, and too weak to walk. What are you doing with that stick? I'm going to kill the giant with it.

And he asked if she knew where he was hiding. Feeble as she was, the woman laughed. You're already in the giant's belly. How can I be in his belly? He asked Coyote. I haven't even met him. What? You probably thought it was a cave when you walked into his mouth.

And sighed. Isn't that the greatest reveal of all time? I love that so much. Like fucking the biggest giant ever. Oh, i love that for so many different reasons a i love like how huge the giant is because i feel like giants and other stories we've read like they're bigger than a person sure but like but not like the size of the mountain itself. Yeah, this one's a literal mountain. Like a colossal being that like it's hard to fully comprehend how huge that is. Just love that.

Blending in with the mountain behind him. Yeah. And then I also love the image of the way this giant gets dinner is he just puts his head down on a path and opens his mouth and people just walk right in i love that for him me too isn't that fucking the greatest that's the greatest this is so cool do continue she's starving to death and she's like you stupid idiot like but that's fine that's fair i was also a stupid idiot who just walked into the stupid cave and now now she's starving to death it's easy to walk in but nobody ever walks out this giant is so big you can't take him in with your eyes his belly fills a whole valley coyote threw his stick away and kept on walking

well donate this don't need this that's not going to be useful what else is coyote gonna do a magic school bus style like trip through the giant's digestive system and then get pooped out you'll see what else could he do soon he came across more people lying around half dead are you sick he asked no they said just starving to death we're trapped inside the giant you're foolish said coyote if we're really inside this giant then You're foolish, said Coyote. If we're really inside this giant, then the cave walls must be the inside of his stomach. We can just cut some meat and fat

from him. Which is genius. Had they not thought of that before? We never thought of that, they said. I assume that it was so stony in there that the giant wasn't composed of flesh or something. No, he's still like a flesh and blood giant. Oh, yeah.

Just start eating the giant from the inside. Yeah. We never thought of that, they said. You're not as smart as I am, said Coyote. Unbothered. Yeah. Unbothered king. Overly cocky. Fuckote. Unbothered. Yeah, unbothered king. Overly cocky,

fuckboy, unbothered king. Coyote took his hunting knife and started cutting chunks out of the cave walls. As he had guessed, they were indeed the giant's fattened meat. He used it to feed the starving people. He even went back and gave some meat to the woman he had met first.

That's nice. He's a hero! Then all of the people imprisoned in the giant's belly started to feel stronger and happier, but not completely happy. You fed us, they said, and thanks. But how are we going to get out of here? Don't worry, said Coyote. I'll kill the giant by stabbing him in the heart. Where is his heart? It must be around here someplace. I love him so much.

Me too. Look at the volcano puffing and beating over there, someone said. Maybe it's the heart. So it is, friend, said Coyote, and began to cut at his mountain. Cut at this mountain, not his. It was the giant's. It was the giant's mountain. Well, it's Coyote's mountain now. Oh, yeah, we're like that. Then the giant spoke up.

Is that you, Coyote? I've heard of you. Stop this stabbing and cutting and let me alone. You can leave through my mouth. I'll open it for you. I'll leave, but not quite yet, said Coyote, hacking at the heart. Don't worry. I'll leave.

He told the others to get ready. As soon as they have him in his death throes, there will be an earthquake. He'll open his jaw to take a last breath, and then his mouth will close forever. So be ready and run out fast. Coyote cut a deep hole in the giant's heart, and lava started to flow out. It was the giant's blood. The giant groaned.

The giant groaned, and the ground under the people's feet trembled. Quick, now! shouted Coyote. And the giant's mouth opened and they all ran out. The last one was the wood tick. The giant's... Oh, yeah.

I forgot about this part. The what? The last one was the wood tick. The giant's teeth were closing in on him, but Coyote managed to pull him through at the last moment. Look at me, cried the wood tick. I'm all flat it happens when i pulled you through said coyote you'll always be flat from now on but be glad you're alive i guess i'll get used to it said the wood tech and he did the end

so that's why the wood tick is flat. That's what the story should have been named. Oh, Abby's face. She's flabbergasted. I am. Look at a picture of the American dog tick. And that's why it's all flat. I'm going to look at it. The American dog tick. Or maybe don't.

I'm doing it. I don't know. But that Ew, they're so gross, though. The American dog tick. Or maybe don't. I'm doing it. I don't know. But that's why they're flat. Oh. Ew. Did you have to save that one, Coyote? You could have just left it. You could have left it. This was based on a tale reported by Louisa McDermott in 1901.

Oh, wow. What a great story. Wasn't that so cool? Oh, that is so cool. Coyote is so cool. I know. He's like, I'm not worried about giants. He's never seen one.

I also love how this story was very like, you know, there's the action of the story, but then there's the narrator who is like a different character. Yes, I love that. He had not, in fact, ever seen one. He had, in fact, never seen a giant. So funny. And he just casually just tossed the stick aside like, well, that's not going to be useful.

New plan. New plan. like well that's not going to be useful new plan new plan you guys never thought of that because you're not as smart as I am smart as I am oh I love him I love both of those stories I love

stories are my favorite when it's like there's one throwaway sentence at the end and it turns out it was an origin story for a specific thing. Yeah. I actually completely forgot about that part. Because, you know, I read it like a couple weeks ago when I was trying to pick out like our bonus episode or whatever. And yeah, I completely forgot about that part. So it was a nice surprise. My fix is that you didn't fit that.

You never saved the wood tick. We wouldn't have to deal with them because they're awful and cause Lyme disease. And yes, that's the correct fix. The correct fix is that the giant's mouth closed on the wood tick and snapped it in half. And it just wasn't able to make it out. And that's why. Aw, shucks. What a shame.

Yeah. And that's why. What's a wood tick? I've never heard of it. That's perfect. That's really my only fix. I loved everything else about it loved what a strange fantasy creature i love so much maybe it would have been a cool fix if like the entire mountain had collapsed

or something it would have been cool too um but i just love the idea that this giant was so huge he's just already in it and doesn't even know. Incredible. Badass. Yeah. I loved that. His whole belly fills up a valley. Amazing. Amazing. Flawless. The stores are so good. Yeah, they are. Gosh, I'm so, like, I'm just, I, that's giving me such, like, a happy buzz in my

brain. Me too. I'm glad you liked them. Okay. Here's the thing as part of abby is a adhd babe i did not pick a story today uh so i'm going to be doing a random reading and i also i really can't settle on a book either so I'm going to give you a couple options and you tell me which book you'd like a story from today okay I love it

what are my options? Your options are The Brothers Grimm if you're in the mood for something something almost always good yeah almost always good we could also do one from one of my other favorite random reading books, which is the Austrian folktales that were collected. Oh, the Turnip Princess.

Yeah. Yes. Okay. Or we could do one from Fearless Girls, Wise Women, and Beloved Sisters. Those usually have some good, like, shortish to medium ones. Okay. Honestly, it's been a while since we've heard from the turnip princess. Yes, let's do it.

I'm kind of feeling it. Let's do it. Those are very like, I have no idea what's coming. So that's fun. Yeah, those can be extremely like hit and miss. And I'm excited to see if it hits today. You know what? And we had like two great stories in the beginning.

Exactly. So even if this one's a bit of a dud, it's still a good episode. Right? Ooh, I love your romper. That's cute. Thank you. It looks comfy. It's so comfy. And also it makes me really happy to be able to wear it again because I've actually – I'm actually like this gym – this going to the gym thing is really working for me because I'm actually like losing a little weight, which means I can wear this romper again.

I could not last summer. I put it on and hated myself. And now I put it on and I was like, oh, I look cute. Yeah, it looks really good. I love it. and hated myself. And now I put it on and I was like, oh, I look cute. Yeah, it looks really good. I love it. Thank you. Yeah. It turns out when you, you know, eat healthy and make yourself work out, you feel good.

And yeah, it's super annoying. Because like that's not the fix for mental health problems. Super annoying. Because that's not the fix for mental health problems. People definitely need more assistance with various mental health issues. Definitely. But unfortunately, very stupidly, drinking water, getting enough sleep, getting exercise, and getting sunshine are actually very, very, very helpful. Uh-huh. Yeah. It's dumb. Nope. It's dumb. Nope.

It's so dumb. Just the worst. Anyway. Anyway, also the worst is The Turnip Princess and other newly discovered fairy tales by Franz Xaver von Scharnworth. God, I love the way you say that. I love his name. So good. von Scharnworth. God, I love the way you say that. I love his name.

So good. Von Scharnworth. The whole thing. It's just, it's okay. It's flawless. I feel like you say it perfectly. I would, I stumble over his name. Thank you.

I'm definitely still pronouncing it wrong, but I, like Coyote, have a lot of false confidence and I don't really care that much if I'm definitely still pronouncing it wrong. But I, like Coyote, have a lot of false confidence. And I don't really care that much if I'm wrong. Yeah, I'm sure it's fine. Someone will tell us eventually, probably. Eventually, probably. And if they don't, we, like Coyote, our unbothered king, will say, oh.

And then we'll toss that stick aside because we clearly don't need it toss that stick aside don't need that anymore that's my new life motto yep toss that stick aside guess the situation's changed

okay Guess the situation's changed. Okay. Tell me when to stop. Okay. Did you say okay? Like, is it stop? No. I was just go.

Keep going. Keep going. And right there. Okay. Where are we? The shortest one near that page. Well, shortest it doesn't have oh this one is a page and a half perfect okay we're both gonna give predictions for what we think thumb nickel is about thumb nickel thumb nickel all one word oh my gosh okay i'm gonna predict wait how many predictions do we get it's a page and a half

so i'm gonna say we can each have one okay i'm gonna guess it's about a small person a small person thumb nickel is a small person okay thumb nickel is a proper name i think you're right so i'm gonna have to think of something else. I mean, you can make the same prediction if you want. Can you? What are the rules? I don't know. I'm okay. If you want to make the same prediction, it just might be boring. No, I want to make a different one. I want to make a different one. Oh, wait, did I get any? Oh, no, wait. Okay. Wait for the last one. I got no points on the Coyote Kills the Giant story. You're at a total for two. Yeah. I really nailed it on that first one.

I really did not understand what was going to happen in the second one. Me either. Other than that, the giant was going to get killed. Okay. I am going to predict that Thumbnickel you know, no, I'm going to make it bigger. The protagonist

ends up in someone's cook pot. Oh, I love it. Because I think that's what happened to Thumbkin. And I'm wondering if this is a similar story. I wonder you too. That's exactly what I was thinking. Yeah. Honestly, though, I can't really remember Thumbkin that well.

I didn't remember his name, right? Thumbkin. Thumbakin that well. I didn't remember his name right. Thumbakin. Thumbakin. Was it him who ended up in someone's butter? That was... He got stuck in butter? That was somebody else. I know it wasn't Butterball because Butterball

got hauled around by a witch. Yes. Oh no, that was Thumbakin.in you're right you're totally right oh that might actually be one of the episodes we just released our but we don't know yet a couple living in the country longed to have a child, as they do in every story about a tiny person. Yay! But for many years, their wish was not granted. And one day, they cried out in desperation, We want a child, even if it's no bigger than a thumb.

Wow. That's very specific. Be careful what you wish for it might just come true now it'd be so hard to take care of because they might die in melted butter oh my gosh i really hope this why do i hope they die in melted butter i'm a horrible person oh man i know because it's like it's hard enough keeping like a human baby alive a baby the size of your thumb like no i accidentally killed a ladybug today my brain is sorry oh no poor ladybug such an adhd day with that bad luck you found a ladybug and then you murdered it

no it landed on my arm and then i freaked out because i didn't understand what it was at first i it did immediate bug reaction to whack it off exactly um i realized it was a ladybug like a half a second after i knocked it off my arm. Are you sure it died? Yeah, it went splat on the sidewalk. Oh, my God. It actually, like, it looked really crushed on, like, one half of it. Oh, poor thing. So I crushed the other half to put it out of its misery.

Okay, so it was good luck to land on you, and then it was bad luck to kill it, but you were merciful so i feel like that evens it out now you have neutral luck oh my god that was a horrible story thank you for telling me you're welcome i just thought of it because i was thinking about how easy it is to kill small things when you're like just a couple orders of magnitudes bigger than that thing yep a hundred percent anyway on back to thumb nickel okay thumb nickel tell me okay so they say that they don't mind if the child is no bigger than a thumb and then a son was born to them he was exactly the size of a thumb and he never grew any bigger than that. He was named Nicholas, but everyone called him Thumbnickel. Bullying. Bullying for sure.

That is a crappy nickname. What an easy birth. Yeah. Did you give birth yet? You wouldn't even know you were pregnant. Yeah. It's one of my fears i know we talked about that in one of our mermaid episodes with the with the nixie in the pond yeah if you accidentally have a baby this size of your thumb and you accidentally kill it because

it is so easy do you then go to jail for child neglect i mean this is probably a long time ago so is he a prince are they i'm sorry i missed that is there a couple living in the country okay so they're like presumably like farmers okay that's the vibe i'm getting all right all right tell me what happened what happened i bet he a cool kid. The farmer carried his son around on the brim of his hat. When he plowed the fields, he... I am right. They are farmers. He would put the little rascal into the ear of one of the oxen where he could sing and dance to his heart's content. Aw. That's kind of... And really annoy those oxen. I know. It's kind of gross, really annoy those oxen. I know.

It's kind of gross, too. Yeah. Oxen are covered in flies. Hmm. They flick their ears around a lot, actually, because they're covered in flies. Dangerous.

Child neglect. Dangerous. Someone call CPS. LCPS. Little Child Production Services. Sorry. Funny. I'm into this rosé and now I'm feeling giggly.

I love it. Okay. One day, a merchant drove by and he watched Thumbnickel dancing and singing in the ear of an ox. He turned to the farmer and asked if he could buy the boy. Oh my God. Tell me the farmer sells his son. Oh, he thought, I bet he thinks he means the ox and then he does.

The farmer was not interested in a deal, but the little boy whispered in his father's ear, urging him to accept it. That's weird. So the little boy wants to in his father's ear, urging him to accept it. That's weird. So the little boy wants to be sold to this merchant. Fuck you, dad. Fuck you, dad. You don't tell me what to do.

You're not my real dad. Isn't it my decision whether or not you sell me to that merchant? And my decision is I want to be. I thought for sure he was going to think he met the oxen and then be like yeah of course here you go that would make more sense to me than what's currently happening so the merchant climbed back into his carriage with the little fellow and the farmer started running behind the carriage while the merchant oh oh i love that okay it's like a father-son doing a crime situation.

While the merchant was dozing off, the little guy climbed through a keyhole into a chest filled with money in the back of the carriage. Oh. He opened the chest and started tossing coins out to his father. I love this. Okay, I can get behind this. Be little, do crime. Oh, that's another good title idea. Be little, do crime.

Oh my God, I love it. And now the movie that I want out of this is like a father, a father-son con artist team. Hell yeah, and then they go rob the king. Would you like to buy my son? What? And then he goes and robs the king. Gosh, I hope so. Let's keep going.

Oh, and the prince is little and then they fall in love. Okay. Anyway, sorry. Cute. That's just what I imagined immediately. Fuck.

Yeah. I love that. Okay. So he threw money at his dad. The merchant turned in for the night at an inn. When he was about to pay the bill, he discovered that all his money was gone. Ha! Sucker. Sucker? Sucks to suck.

He took out a whip and ran after Thumbnickel, but the rascal had already crawled into a barrel of salt, escaping any kind of punishment. The maid at the inn was about to feed the cows, and sheled into a barrel of salt, escaping any kind of punishment. The maid at the inn was about to feed the cows, and she reached into the barrel of salt. Okay. She grabbed Thumbnickel, along with some salt, and threw him into the feeding trough for the cows. Dangerous.

One of the cows swallowed Thumbnickel with the salt, and when the maid started milking the cow, One of the cows swallowed Thumbnickel with the salt. And when the maid started milking the cow, Thumbnickel began shrieking so loudly that everyone was sure something must be wrong with the cow. The next day. Wait, does Thumbnickel, like, can he tell that the cow is being milked? Or is he like, okay. I think the implication is that Thumbnickel has already traveled through the cow's digestive tract and is now in her like milk sacks. And so he's being squeezed.

I don't think that's how it works, but. How it works is he'd be digested by the cow's stomach acid and then pooped out. Yeah, it wouldn't go into the utter of the cow thank you utter that word utterly escaped me oh nice alright we need to push through and be done yeah we got this anyway

the next day I was right Thumbnickel emerged completely intact in a heap of cow dung okay okay he was not eaten by stomach acid so that's cool i guess the innkeeper took a pitchfork and heaved the dung over a nest of mice one of the mice sniffed dinner and sped over to the place where Thumbnickel had landed, mouth wide open. And right behind the mouse was a fox waiting to eat it. Poor Thumbnickel was trembling with fear. But because the mouse had picked up the scent of the fox and the fox had picked up the scent of the mouse, the two did not move from that spot. Thumbnickel's father happened to be plowing the field just then.

He began plowing right next to the nest and ended up tossing the mouse and Thumbnickel up into the air. The father saw his son and caught him as he was flying through the air. And before long, Thumbnickel was back in the ox's ear, dancing and singing with his father, happily plowing the field at the end. Wow. I already mourned your death, son. Yeah. Glad to have you back. I was a little concerned, but you threw so much money at me. I figured I could just buy a new son

if I needed to. Okay. I want to know a couple things. I want to know what that man was planning. I want to know what the merchant was planning on doing with Thumbnickel. Mm-hmm. I don't know if I want to know what the merchant was planning on doing with Thumbnickel. I don't know if I want to know what he was planning on doing with Thumbnickel.

Like, I don't know. It wasn't good. Absolutely not. I think anyone who is like driving by anywhere and like ask someone if he can buy like, can I buy your child? I don't think that's gonna be good oh gosh okay yeah definitely best thumb nickel was gonna end up in like a bird cage in his house or something at best yeah the story definitely should have ended with a father team a father son team uh thieving rich merchants and they try to you know steal from

the king and then they fall in love with the little princess with the little prince or prince you know whoever they don't even have to be little they just fall in love with royalty and they live happily ever after yeah um that's a fabulous fix for this story i accept that completely my only other fix is that like science takes its proper course and thumb and thumb nickel is dissolved in the stomach acid of the cow. Because that's how stomachs work. He went and hid in a bean or something. He found like a.

Maybe. I don't know. He's magic. He's magic. Oh, my goodness. Okay. I got one point. You did get one point.

You did. He did not end up in a cook pot. Too bad. If only I'd said cow dung. Yeah. Got eaten by an animal. Inside a cow. Which is more likely, I feel like, than ending up in a – well, I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I felt pretty good about my cook pot prediction. Yeah. I also thought it was going to be just Thumbakin, but like a different country. Yep. Yep. That was what I based, yeah, my entire thoughts on.

But I'm glad it was different. And that was very like – I thought it was very cute. Yeah, it was cute. I liked it. Like, could get cuter, but overall pretty adorable. That's most of the stories in that book, though. They kind of have that. I feel like they were cut short.

Mm-hmm. You know? Yeah. Yeah, like, they're just, or, yeah, they weren't embellished a whole lot or something yeah they're because they're all nice and short like they're they rarely break like three pages yeah we should use that one more often we should like well i don't know we've just we've been burned a couple times yeah but then we've also gotten in the jaws of the merman. So.

That's true. So on that note, we're going to log off for the day. Be done. Go elsewhere. Go have lunch or shopping or edit other things. Bye. Bye. Thank you so much for listening to Fairytale Fix.

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and the wood tick was eaten by the giant and we never heard of it because i've never heard of that what even is it what's a wood tick never heard of one and thumb nickel and his father continued to do lots of crime only to rich people who deserve it and then eventually wound up robbing the wicked king and thumb nickel fell in love with his tiny uh his own tiny offspring the king's own tiny offspring just for clarification and that happens in fairy tales sometimes so that was a really good clarification and they all lived happily ever after

the end