Fairy Tale Fix - 69: Just Say Cat!

Episode Date: August 22, 2023

Your chances of being killed by a pony are small, but never 0, as the protagonists of the French story The Goblin Pony discover in Abbie’s tale this episode. Kelsey follows up with the Swiss tale of Pussycat Twinkle, his badass wife Snowflake, and a self absorbed serial killer wizard.

Cheval Petit. Tiny horse. Tiny horse. Tiny evil horse. Oh. Hello and welcome to Fairytale Fix. I'm Kelsey. I'm Kelsey. I'm Abby. And we're back, baby.

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. We're back again. We already did an episode. We were back. I know, but we're back again. We're still back. We're still back. Every other week for your ears, we have some stories for you.

We're very excited to tell you today. Some what the fuck fairy tales. Some what the fuck fairy tales. Do you ever read actual fairy tales? Not just watch the Disney movie, but you read the actual German fairy tale and then you're like, what the

fuck? What the fuck was that? What did I just read? That's awful. can i read more if that's your reaction this is this is the show yeah yeah absolutely i'm super excited for my story today it's really short but it is just i will say it is something we have very much wanted in previous stories with a similar topic. And we finally get it. Oh, I love that. Yeah.

I'm excited. I'm excited for my story, even though I don't know what's happening. That's what I'm supposed to know. Yeah, I decided just to, it's a ruth manning standards story so i just decided like whatever i'll just i'll just read it and experience it raw for fun it has such a good name i'll tell you about it later though okay and like rms stories are always like they're reliable you know we know it's not going to be a nothing story if you're new to this podcast and this is like the first episode that you're listening to ruth manning

sanders fairy tales like fairy tale retellings are perfect like she had such a she had such a good eye and a good ear and a good everything for selecting the best stories uh-huh and just writing them so well i i love her so much me too queen we love her oh anyway how are you doing i'm doing great i feel i feel like I really dressed according to the dreams six-year-old me would have had for my life today I was gonna say I do love that outfit it's very 90s thank you it's it's very it's super you actually bought me this shirt it says 1990 vintage on it you bought it for my 30th birthday oh did I show you I like just sent it via amazon and i remember you just being like like because i didn't mention that i got you anything uh-huh and then i was like oh yeah

did you ever get this and you're like that was you because it didn't come with like a note or anything oh yeah um oh by the way did i show you that Obie chewed a giant hole in the back of this shirt? No. Hang on. Let me turn around real quick. Oh, I mean fashion. So Obie is a fashion. He wanted you to show off that glorious tattoo.

Exactly. He's like, we don't see enough of your otter tattoo. So I'm going to chew a hole in that shoulder. Oh, no. Yes, he's a fashion genius. He knew that you needed to show off your tattoo. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

He was like, that's a fabulous otter tattoo. I actually heard Drew Barrymore, like, way back in the day, when I used to buy, like, Seventeen magazine, would let her dog rip up her pants. Okay. magazine, would let her dog rip up her pants. Okay, so I'm just being like, Drew Barrymore is literally one of the coolest people. Uh-huh. So I'm just being like her. Yeah, it's not it's not that new anymore. But I do like she's such a good host.

I think Drew Barrymore like absolutely kills it at being a talk show host. Yeah, she's so she's so cute and I just I love her so much so yeah you're just and you it's like I said your outfit's very 90s so it's perfect thank you yeah it's like it's a purple shirt that says 1990 vintage but you can only see some of the text because I'm also wearing like um like black and white striped like horizontal striped overalls. Oh, they're overalls? They're overalls.

Yeah. Wait, stand up. I want to see. Oh my God. So cute. You look like you should be painting and getting paint all over them. Right?

Because when I put this outfit on this morning, I also was like, okay, like she's a little bit like six-year-old, like 96-year-old. She's also a little bit Lainey Boggs from She's All That. Oh, yeah. 100%. I mean, I love it. Yep.

I'm just, she's a little bit Rachel Lee Cook when she's pretending to be ugly. And all you have to do is take off those glasses and put down that ponytail and you're hot as fuck now i'm hot because i always was yeah um yeah so i love it's 110 degrees in chico again so i just threw on a black tank top and said cool done, done. Done. That's totally fair. That is stupid. Fucking fair. Yeah. Clothes are dumb when it's that hot. No one should have to wear clothing.

Oh, no, I love your outfit. That was so cute. Is there a special occasion? No, it's I was lazy. I like I slept in this shirt. And then I didn't feel like doing anything else. So I pulled some overalls on over it when i got up this morning fashion tips from abby yes um my number one fashion fashion tip is just stop caring and ultimately working and it's working like do what you want ultimate like channel that inner six-year-old do whatever she tells you uh let your dogs rip up your clothes it's fine it's fine it's fine it's a look it's great i may not even change to the party i'm going to later i don't think you should i love it

i'm just gonna wear this it's so. It's also kind of hot. Yeah. I bet Baltimore's all humid. Yeah. And it's been raining a lot. Like it's just, we're full of, full of rainstorms. So it's hot and sticky. And you know,

these, these are cotton overalls. They feel great. I just, I just might wear it all the way to a party later. You should. Annie Huzel, what else is going on with you um the other

thing that i just i wanted to talk about a little bit because it's kind of along the same theme of like doing doing the things that make you happy even if the things are like temporary or seem weird to other people um i i was listening to one of my favorite podcasts this morning which is it's called big big mood little mood and it's hosted by danny lavery who i'm obsessed with um and he had a guest on today called uh the guest was aloe johnston who wrote a book called am i trans enough and uh he was just giving some like really, really like gorgeous advice because Danny Lavery is also a trans guy. And so a lot of trans people write into this podcast asking for advice. Okay, wait. Say the name again?

Danny Lavery. Do I know this person? That name is so familiar. I talk about him all the time. It's entirely possible that I brought him up already. Oh, Danny Lavery wrote The Mary Spinster. That's it. That's why you know the name. That's why I know the name. Okay, yes. The author.

I know him as the author. He's an author. Not a podcast person. Oh, so he has a podcast? Yeah, he's got a podcast called Big Mood, Little Mood. And he used to be Slate's Dear Prudence. So he used to run Slate's Advice Column. Oh, my God.

Yeah. I did not know this. Oh, I have bought every single one of his books because I think he's a very good writer. And he's very funny. i subscribe to his blog i'm kind of obsessed with danny laverie i think i might actually die if i ever met him in person uh i want to get now that i know he has a podcast i want him to come on our podcast and tell us a fucked up horror story i've also always wanted to ask him i don't i don't know that much about him, but I do follow him on Instagram. And his dog is named Gogo.

And I always imagine that he named it after that fairy tale we read, that African folk tale, Lubobo. Because the monster that eats everything is named Gogo. No, the monster is named Lubobo. I think it's Gogo. I think there's more than one.o. I think it's Gogo. I think there's like more than one. Okay. I wouldn't be surprised if there was.

I think you should re-listen to that story or re-read it. Maybe I need to re-listen to it. But I remember thinking that was the same name as one of the monsters that we read about. And I was wondering if it was a... Probably not. It probably has nothing to do with that. But there... He's super into fairy tales, so maybe, right? Yes. That's my headcanon anyway anyway i love that as a headcanon he'd probably laugh yeah we should we should invite him on the podcast he'll totally absolutely

although i might i might literally perish of like celebrity joy. I would just melt on the spot. I would like to see that. I think like he's too smart. I don't want him to know about me because he's. I get that. There are definitely a lot of people. I don't want to talk about fairy tales too,

because. You're just smarter than me. And I just, we're not fairy tale scholars. We actually just watched a really fantastic or i watched that's right you couldn't make it i just watched a fairy tale lecture um about gender roles in fairy tales and how yeah yeah and it was so good um it was through the smithsonian and they're actually doing another one in october so if you follow them if i find their name hold on it's carter ho school they are teachers of folklore so they're actually fairy tale scholars um and you can follow them on it's a c-a-r-t-e-r-h-a-u-g-h

dot school anyway they're awesome they had a great they had a fucking fantastic uh lecture about gender and fairy tales and they're doing another one on gothic fairy tales in october oh okay well we should definitely go to that one too yeah and it's through the smithsonian it's it's amazing and like it was one of those ones who are like very smart people talking about fairy tales what did you what did you learn any any like takeaways come to mind i remember you told me that they brought up the princess who would be a prince. Yes. Yeah. They talked about a ton of the fairy tales that we've actually already read. And that made me laugh a lot. They went over one of our – we almost started a book club.

I read one whole book. One whole book. It was Cinderella is Dead. I think Fern might still be keeping that going, but I honestly haven't looked in a while. Fern, it's fine if you put it down, but also if you didn't, you're a champion. Yeah, it was called Gender, Sexuality, and the Fairy Tale. And yes, I actually took notes and I have some potential queer fairy tales that I want to read later. Hooray.

Okay. On the podcast. But you said, so they mentioned Cinderella is dead. That's the thread I think we were following. Yes. Yeah. They talked about Cinderella is dead. They talked about the one that you had just read for Pride Month, the woman who became a man.

Because I guess that's actually a pretty common fairy tale in like different cultures or folktale rather um and yeah it was it was just really cool they're super fun go check them out if you haven't already come watch the gothic fairy tale lecture with us it'll be fun i'm i can't wait for that yeah it's like other more fodder for us to put on the show yeah yeah maybe we'll do a big google meet thing and we can all hang out and watch the lecture together oh that'd be fun yeah we did that with the jack zipes lecture and that was fun anyway i'm going on a tangent wasn't it just noah that showed up yes yeah noah came but that was really fun. That was so fun, though.

Yeah. It was super last minute. We all got on a Google Meet and kind of watched this fairy tale lecture together. Yeah. It was the best. That was such a good. We should definitely do that again. Speaking of like kind of going back to the topic of like transness and.

Yes. Yes. So one of the things that I really liked that Aloe Johnston was saying on Big Mood, Little Mood is a lot of people sort of writing in with questions along the lines of like, you know, am I trans enough if I like don't experience certain types of dysphoria, but I still like, you know, wish I deeper voice or um had or or a higher voice or or whatever and he was just saying some really beautiful things about how like a desire to explore your gender identity doesn't have to come from pain um like like and this is for like multiple kinds of identities i think this has applications for like you know your sexual orientation or like any any other kind of part of your identity that you haven't been exploring or have been keeping kind of pushed down he said that a lot of people only really start exploring things um when they feel like they've been pushed to a certain pain point and then they're quote unquote allowed to explore it. And he says like,

he just said some really lovely things about like, no, it should be fun. It should be fun. It should be playful. You should be, you're allowed to do it just because you want to. Yeah, absolutely. If you want to start HRT just because you want to

and you want to see what that would feel like, that's fine. Yeah. Oh, that's such an important message. I love that so much. Yeah. Often exploring different facets of yourself can become traumatic because you've waited so long and because our society makes it traumatic.

That's definitely a big part of why it ends up being traumatic for so many people. But you don't have to wait until it hurts like you can you can do it when it's while it's like free and fresh and fun and yeah i don't know i i just thought i just thought that was really beautiful um that is i love it yeah i don't know and i just wanted to reaffirm for like anybody listening that like you know i like i know that like it the world isn't always a safe place for this for this kind of thing but like you can write to us with anything you want to be called any pronouns you want to try out it doesn't matter like you could you could change your mind in like an hour and not want to use those anymore if it doesn't feel right or this could be like you know what you use for like the next few years or the rest of your life or whatever

like yeah you do whatever you want do whatever sounds fun or makes you feel good we'll we'll you know fuck yeah call you whatever we support you we support you whatever makes you feel like you that's do it do that absolutely do it that sounds good if that feels right do that thing do that thing that's beautiful we support you yeah oh i love that so much cool yeah i don't know so that was um if anybody's interested like that's uh aloe johnston um they have a or sorry he he has a book out called I'm Am I Trans Enough and I believe he has a podcast of his own called hang on I looked it up uh he has a podcast of his own called Baggage Drop where he goes into more more detail on those kinds of thoughts and feelings and stuff yeah so anyway I just thought that was lovely I wanted to share that with you.

I love it. Recommendations. I don't know. Cause I, I like, I kind of feel that way a little bit with my own sort of exploration of like, not my gender necessarily. I've always been, I've always been fairly comfortable with, uh, being classified as a woman, I guess. Like, I don't know, like that that's never felt particularly itchy to me or like I've never really felt a need to explore anything else. I feel pretty happy with it. But like as far as my sexual orientation goes or the different ways that I might like to dress or present myself, like I just felt for a long time that like, oh, it's too late. I'm 30. I'm 30 like never too late never too late and also life is I mean life is short but also life is long and you are a different person and multiple times in your life oh my gosh that's

such a great like that's such a great point yeah you are allowed to change you You are. It's like, it's okay. It's actually a good thing that you're not staying in a constant, you know, or, you know, just, yeah, you're allowed to change. You're allowed to grow. You're allowed to change your mind. Yeah. Multiple times. You can change your mind in one way and then change it back. And that's fine.

Yeah. Whatever's right for you you and in the moment too because it will change it does such as life that's just life i think that's such a that's such a great point kelsey that like life is long change happens change should happen it should yeah we live like so much longer than we used to and it's only getting longer and longer and it's like why would you like why would you stay the same there are so many factors that come into your life that change who you are as a person it just and it's not a bad thing i mean it can be scary but

yeah but it can also be playful yeah it's also it's not that deep you know have fun but life isn't serious or don't take life so seriously nobody gets out alive i don't know i love that that's fantastic no one gets out alive. No one gets out alive. Yeah. No one gets out alive. Just have fun with it. Just have a good time. Yeah. Just don't be a dick. Yep.

And. Don't like get in the way of other people having a good time where possible. Oh my God. For real. Mind your own business. Yeah. Mind your own business, but do what's right for you. Yeah.

But don't be a dick. Don't be a dick. Don't be a dick. That's our advice. Life advice. From Fairytale Fix. Danny Lavery should never listen to this because his advice is so much more eloquent and beautiful. I don't know. Oh, you know what?

That's what I remember from that book is it's very like fan, very like pretty language, very well thought. I mean, he's a writer, so I guess that makes sense. It's well thought out. We're just out here spitting out the thoughts directly from our brain thing,

directly from the applesauce in our heads, out through our mouth oh um which brings me to sort of the third thing that we wanted to talk about before we moved into the story proper first of all i wanted to thank sarah for i know it's a couple months late um but we were actually recording this episode in like j, early July. So it only just happened. But Sarah, thank you so much for creating applesauce graphics for us. Oh my gosh. You're so amazing.

I love those so much. And the, I can't believe it's not a horse murder. Oh my God. I want that on a t-shirt. I want, I can't believe it's not horse murder. The laugh I loved. I swear, I cackled so hard. Adam was worried about me.

And he was like, what happened? Because I like couldn't breathe. I was laughing so hard. And then I showed him and he couldn't stop laughing. And he had to leave. He was like on his way out. So we were both just like laughing maniacally. That was so good.

Yeah, it was amazing. So funny. Thank you so much for saying that. Like, it's my new favorite joke. Oh, I can't believe it's not. I couldn't. Genuinely. Could not believe there wasn't any horse murder in that story.

Someday, if we get super famous, we have to do a commercial in the style of i can't believe it's not butter all that down um do you want to hear about a little french fairy tale called the goblin pony oh my god, yes. Yes, I do. I feel like I've heard of this tale. Yeah, I have that one saved. Have you read it? No. I have so many saved on my bookmarks tab. I think I wanted you to read me that one.

And that's one of the reasons I got you that book. Yep. Yeah, I'm reading from the book that Kelsey got me for Christmas or my birthday last year. I can't remember. Who knows? But it's monstrous tales, stories of strange creatures and fearsome beasts from around the world with beautiful, beautiful illustrations by Aseja hong and this story stunning with no exception yeah the illustrations are so gorgeous um the last the last story that i read from this was the the disobedient daughter who married a skull which was so good such a fantastic story

so good so yeah so this is a french story which by the way uh when this episode comes out i'll either be in london or in paris i'm not sure which one oh that's right i think i'll be in paris i picked it on purpose for that yeah we totally planned this i totally planned it yes i decided to read you a french fairy tale for this reason and just because i i am doing geography corner now and it's possible that most of us know where france is but also it's possible that some of us are not quite exactly sure france is bigger than i thought is basically what i'm driving at i'm possibly i'm I'm mostly doing geography corner because I don't know where things are, really. I think that's fine. So France, for those of you who don't know, actually has two coasts. I was not aware of this. I thought France was a much smaller country,

but it is nestled in between Spain, Belgium, a little bit of Germany, a little bit of Switzerland, and a little bit of Italy. And it has both a coastline along the English Channel as well as the Mediterranean. It spans the entire width of that area. I thought that was cool.

Didn't know that because I don't know anything about geography. And now I know that about France. And so do you. Although you probably already knew that since you studied french in high school and stuff uh yeah i did i took i just took like one year of french in college i don't remember very much um i know how to say je ne parle pas francais which means i don't speak french that's great and like you know bonjour bonjour salut i guess you know i feel like it's coming it's gonna come back to me i have been doing my duolingo for french instead of danish lately since i'm actually from

france i think it will because like i took i I took Spanish in high school. And then I did a couple of, like, Duolingo classes before I went to Mexico a couple years ago. Yeah. And it actually did kind of start coming back to me. While I was there, I'm like, oh, yeah, that's what that means. You know, what's the funniest for me is I named my cat Monsieur Chevelle after a French cartoon about a character named Mr. Horse mostly Chevelle so now any time I see Chevelle because that comes up a lot because I'm in like the very beginning stages of Duolingo it says like Chevelle and I want to say cat instead

of horse because Chevelle is my cat's name And it's so directly linked in your mind now. Yeah. I just see Cheval and I think cat instead of horse. Wow. Yeah. You're going to confuse some French people. If you get into a conversation, I'm not going to be able to tell anybody about my cat.

No, they're going to make fun of you. And then I'll tell them it's from a town called Panic. Do you know if that's actually well-known in France? Yes. Village of Panic. I mean, I don't know how well-known it is, but it's like a popular claymation cartoon for kids. There's a lot of short episodes and there's a movie.

Okay. Then you probably bump into a few people who are passingly familiar. It's a trip. I'm honestly stunned that it's for children. I mean, if you watch the shorts, it's definitely for children. It's like they're kids toys. There's Cowboy and Indian and Monsieur Cheval. That aged well.

Yeah. They all live together in a house. They're like roommates. And, you know, hijinks ensue. It's like a little sitcom. And they're children's toys. It's very funny, I think. You do not have to understand French to enjoy the cartoon either.

You can just watch it and kind of pretty much understand what's going on that's kind of funnier if you don't understand french probably probably because i remember you you showed me the movie yeah the movie is like how much did they smoke like how much weed did they smoke one all of it and other stuff like yeah the like it's how much drugs did they do it's so funny and so weird i mean but i feel like that about most of the french films i've seen they end up like it starts as one movie and ends up an entirely different movie at the end and in the middle it's like watching three movies but anyway the shorts are very funny uh they're definitely on youtube it's like a town called panic and it's very cute

i like it a lot you named your cat mr horse you liked it so much You have to say it like you're yelling it because that's kind of how they yell all of their lines. Yes. Anyway, tell me. Wait, I have to make predictions. Yes, you do. The story is very short. It's two. Well, it's a page and a half. So I think you can make two predictions on this one. My first prediction is that, yeah, I'm going to guess. Can I guess the goblin pony is evil? Sure. It's evil. It's evil. Evil.

And two, there's horse murder. Gosh. Well, horse murder, pony murder, I feel like that's... Equine murder. Equine murder. Equestrian murder would be a different thing. Are you guessing equestrian murder? No.

Equine murder. Equine murder. All right. Equine, I don't know. I'm not the horse girl here that's why i wanted you to read the story oh and i loved it i thought it was fantastic okay so here is the goblin pony don't stir from the fireplace tonight said old peggy for the wind is blowing so violently that the house shakes besides this, this is Halloween when the witches are abroad.

It's a Halloween story! It is! And I was reading it and I was like, well, I guess it's like, it's August, but I don't care. It says Halloween. Spooky season has begun. Exactly. I know that you start celebrating

Halloween in August, so you're welcome. And you know what? Happy belated birthday. Oh, thank you. Yay. Okay. For the wind is blowing so violently that the house shakes. Besides, this is Halloween when the witches are abroad and the goblins, who are their servants, are wandering about in all sorts of disguises, doing harm to the children of men.

Oh, yeah, they are. Fuck them kids. Hilarious, yeah. Why should I stay here, said the eldest of the young people. No, I must go and see what the daughter of old Jacob, the rope maker, is doing. She wouldn't close her blue eyes all night. If I didn't visit her father before the moon had gone down. I know.

Oh my. Oh my. Scandalous. Rope maker's daughter. That sounds. There's a lot to read into there. Yeah. It's also is episode 69. Exactly. Exactly. There's there. Yeah. This also is episode 69.

Exactly. Exactly. There's there's nice. If you really squint and squint hard there's some implications there.

I must go and catch lobsters and crabs. also something you can read into if you squint said the second and not all the witches and goblins in the world shall hinder me so they all determined to go on their business or pleasure and scorned the wise advice of old peggy only the youngest child hesitated a minute when she said to him, You stay here, my little Richard, and I will tell you beautiful stories. But he wanted to pick a bunch of wild thyme and some blackberries

by moonlight, and so he ran out after the others. This little kid's a witch. I love that so much. I also would like to pick blackberries and thyme by moonlight. Yeah, me too. But that's what makes little Richard here a witch. Aww. When they got outside the house, they said,

the old woman talks of wind and storm, but never was the weather finer or the sky more clear. And see how majestically the moon stalks through the transparent clouds. Then all of a sudden, they noticed a black pony close beside them yeah they did yeah they did it's evil evil pony i'm just gonna give you the point right now yes the pony is evil it's a goblin pony i mean i feel like it's my it, I feel like it's my birthday point. It's your birthday point. I'm letting you have goblin pony as evil. Thank you.

There was a small chance you could have been wrong. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I was also like, maybe it's just a pony that a goblin has. I mean, I feel like it could have been a goblin's pony. Right. But it's not. No, no. The pony is a goblin has i mean i feel like yeah yeah it could have been a goblin's pony right but it's not no no the pony is a goblin it's a goblin pony so good it's evil oh ho they said that is old valentine's pony it must have escaped from its stable and it's going down to drink at the horse pond some wild assumptions to be making about a black pony

that appeared on Halloween night under a full moon, but okay. Uh-huh. My pretty little pony, said the eldest, patting the creature with his hand. You mustn't run too far. I'll take you to the pond myself. Aw. Aw.

Aw. Aw. Mwahaha. Doomed. Doomed. no oh oh oh ha ha doomed doomed you are doomed sir with these words he jumped on the pony's back and was quickly followed by his second brother then by the third and so on till at last they were all astride the little beast down to small richard who didn't like to be left behind. Oh, Richard.

No, Richard. Sweet baby. On the way to the pond, they met several of their companions and they invited them all to mount the pony, which they did. And the little creature did not seem

to mind the extra weight, but trotted merrily along. Straight to hell. Straight to hell. Straight to hell. The quicker it trotted, the more the young people enjoyed the fun. They dug their heels into the pony's sides and called out,

Gallop, little horse! You have never had such brave riders on your back before. Oh my goodness. They deserve to die. And ponies are just like notoriously mean anyway. I know. Don't fuck with ponies, people.

Don't fuck with ponies. This is a bad idea. In the meantime, the wind had risen again and the waves began to howl, but the pony did not seem to mind the noise and instead of going to the pond, can pony did not seem to mind the noise and instead of going to the pond cantered gaily toward the seashore richard began to regret his time in blackberries and the eldest brother seized the pony by the mane and tried to make it turn around

for he remembered the blue eyes of jacob the rope maker's daughter but he tugged and pulled in vain for the pony galloped straight into the sea till the waves met its forefeet. I know. Straight to hell. Straight to hell. Didn't we want this in another? We did. This is exactly what I mean of like this story is going to deliver something we wanted from our Kelpie stories.

Amazing. Which is like, don't get on the backs of strange horses that appear out of nowhere. They're going to drown you. I like that it's drowning too. It's very specific. Yeah. As soon as it felt the water, it neighed lustily and capered about with glee advancing quickly into the foaming billows and when the waves had covered the children's legs

they repented their careless behavior and cried out the cursed little black pony is bewitched if we had only listened to old peggy we shouldn't have been lost. I mean, jump off. It's a pony. Oh, they can't? I think they're stuck to the pony by some kind. Like, it's the thing of like, it's also sort of like a Kelpie thing. Yeah. Where once you're on its back, you can't get off. Like, they're bewitched.

Yeah. They're stuck there. I love it. Poor little Richard. He's the only one I feel bad for. Well, he should have stayed home with old Peggy. Aww. I'm feeling free to victim blame.

You know what? I also get FOMO sometimes. I get it. Especially as like the youngest. The youngest. Like all the older kids are doing cool stuff and you don't want to stay home with your nanny. Boring. Boo. Boo. stuff and you don't want to stay home with your nanny boring boo the further the pony advanced the higher rose the sea at last the waves covered the children's heads

and they were all drowned towards morning old peggy went out for she was anxious about the fate of her grandchildren she sought them high and low, but could not find them anywhere. She asked all the neighbors if they had seen the children, but no one knew anything about them except that the eldest had not been with the blue-eyed daughter of Jacob the rope maker. Mistakes were made. Mistakes were made. You could have had something else last night and instead, you know, you enjoy writing. As she was going home, bowed with grief, she saw a little black pony coming toward her, springing and curving in every direction.

When it got quite near her, it neighed loudly and galloped past her so quickly that in a moment it was out of her sight. The end. Ooh, that's spooky. That's a cautionary tale for sure. Absolutely. And I love that the pony comes back to taunt her about it. Uh-huh. Definitely going to do it again. Yep. 100%. Evil pony. God, that was so good. I'm glad you enjoyed that. I thought that was so fun. Oh, happy beginning of a spooky season. Happy summerween.

Happy summerween. Do you have any fixes for that perfect story? Yeah. Nope. That was great. Perfect. No notes. No notes.

It hit the spot in exactly the way I wanted it to hit. Yeah. That was so good. Oh, my gosh. Which it drowned a bunch of kids. Did not disappoint. I remember wanting you to tell me that story. Mm-hmm.

I'm glad that you, I'm glad you saved it for me because I, I don't know. I had a good time. I had a good time with that one. Bwahaha. Bwahaha. I love that.

Yeah. I don't know. It's very straightforward. Um, they, they did not follow the fairy tale rules. They were punished accordingly. Mm-hmm. they should have listened to their grandmother you know she fucking knew she fucking knew all right now they're dead i got one point

the goblin was eve i got a birthday point happy birthday you're very generous thank you for giving that to me well no i mean it was totally plausible that like the goblin because like especially how tricky these titles are they are sometimes it might have been something else like i don't know like i feel i still feel like that's fair okay good good good because like that could mean anything and i'm glad that the evil goblin pony lived to murder another group of naughty children god that really was a perfect fairy tale i loved it give me three predictions for pussy cat twinkle um first of all that's the best name for a fairy tale ever um while we're on

like six-year-old bullshit that's perfect yeah i would have named one of my stuffed animals that in a heartbeat if i'd heard this story also quick recap because i don't think we've mentioned this on the pod um abby and caroline our great friend caroline who's also a patron thank you we love you we're on a little hang a little chat hang out the other day and i just happened to pick up this book because it was in front of me. We saw this picture and I was like, I want to read whatever's going on here. Uh-huh. And that's

from Pussycat Twinkle. Yeah, so I bookmarked it. Amazing. With my beer coaster. Perfect. And anyway, so that's how we got, and I actually haven't read it yet. So I am doing a random reading of Pussycat Twinkle from A Book of Cats and Creatures.

Generously donated by our favorite human, Chris Otto. Absolutely. Chris Otto was the best. I love this book so much. And I'm like, I don't read from it that often. Also because it's small, but because it's so like fragile, I don't want it to break. Uh-huh. Well, also you want to

space it out you want to space out the good stuff you know and i'm so excited okay my predictions are number one pussycat twinkle is not the protagonist that's a hot take the second one's a hot abby rotor predictions did. The second prediction is the cat does not talk. That is another hot take. Feeling spicy today. Wow. Wow. And my third prediction is the cat is magic.

Magic. It's magic. Amazing. magic amazing um by the way i will post this picture uh so you can also make predictions before the episode drops yes oh that's such a fun idea so i guess the picture will already be up on our instagram so if you want to pause right now run over to our Instagram and look at the picture. Make your predictions with us. Give me three and comment them or email me. I don't care. Anyway, my predictions.

He looks piratey. I'm going to predict that that's a pirate. I think that's such a fair prediction. It totally looks like he's holding a cutlass or something. Yeah, it's an older man. He almost looks like he has one of those um yarmulkes on like a cat yeah he does kind of look like he's wearing a yarmulke but he also has he has like a beard he's balding he's got real big eyebrows he is wearing big puffy pants and boots and he has like it looks like he's holding a cutlass yeah or like a machete some kind of some kind of like big thick bladed sword thing yeah and he's

standing next to like a half table and there's a cat i'm guessing that's pussycat twinkle on it that better be pussycat twinkle or i will riot all right so I'm going to predict that that's a pirate. Okay. I'm definitely predicting that the cat talks. Okay, great. I want to predict that there's another like magic creature. Oh, okay. That's not a cat.

Yeah. I assume that there's the cat that's magic that talks, but I'm assuming that I'm going to predict that there's another creature in there. Okay. It is from a book of cats and creatures, so. So. There could be both. It could be both a cat and a creature.

Precisely. I like this. Okay. And without further ado. Tell me all about it. Pussycat Twinkle. Oh, Pussycat twinkle oh pussycat twinkle pussycat twinkle lived with an old lady in a large house on the edge of a wood

pussycat twinkle was a very handsome fellow his black and gray fur was thick and glossy and his green eyes sparkled oh oh the old lady thought him the most beautiful creature in the world. He's just a wittle bitty baby. A wittle bitty baby cat. And she petted and spoiled him as only a lonely old lady could do. Wow. Shade on Cat Ladies has been around for a long time. It really has. By night, he slept on a soft pillow at the bottom of the lady's bed by day he frisked about in a sunny garden making friends with the sparrows which the old lady had taught him not to kill oh and so he lived a happy life his only duty being to keep the old lady's house free from rats and mice. That's the best. Way more than

my cat does. So he's totally allowed to kill the rats and mice. Yeah. Yeah, just not the birds. Not the birds. Fuck the rats and mice, but. Okay. What a completely solid introductory paragraph. But alas,

alas, there came a day when the old lady died and then the whole world changed for poor twinkle no it's gonna be like a black beauty sort of situation i don't know i know just as much as you at this point i know you do but i'm sad already the house was locked up because the old lady's heirs were quarreling about which of them should possess it and only one thing seemed clear to them they had no use for twinkle so there oh we both worked at a cat shelter too so yeah this is it's okay it's it's too real it's too real oh no this has been a this has been an issue for so long. So there was poor Twinkle sitting outside on the doorstep, hungry, friendless, and very miserable.

He becomes thin, his bones stuck out, and his beautiful fur had lost its gloss. No! What could he do? There was nothing for it but to find a new home. So he set out for a nearby village. It's okay. You can kill some birds now. I know. No one else is feeding you.

Do what you gotta do, kitty. On the way, whom should he meet but Phineas, the wizard. Who has a name? What? Phineas, the wizard. Phineas, the wizard. Okay. Good morning, Twinkle, said the the wizard will you sell me your fur twinkle thought the wizard was mocking him but he answered politely sir wizard likes a

joke damn it that's a sassy answer that's so sassy talking cat yep yep minus points i don't think i'm gonna get any that's okay you had some hot takes i did i am not joking said the wizard i need cat fur for my spells but it must be giving willingly or it's no good come into my service and i will make you fat and sleek and when i become fat and sleek. And when I become fat and sleek, said Twinkle, what then? Oh, but then I shall skin you, said the wizard. But... So that was a good follow-up question. That's exactly the kind of question you should ask during any job interview. Twinkle ain't no dummy. Yeah. Make sure you ask the employer questions too, kids. Yeah.

Make sure you ask the employer questions too, kids. But if you did that, I shall lose my life. Naturally, said the wizard. But in the meantime, you will live in Clover. However, I see you are not liking the idea. And so good day to you. Oh my gosh. The wizard began to walk away. I do love that the wizard was like, well, fair enough anyway.

Naturally, I love that. Stop, stop, cried Twinkle. Let me think. Oh, how hungry he was. Twinkle, no. How long will you give me to live? That depends on how long it takes you to grow fat and sleek, said the wizard. But let us say that when you have become as sleek as I could wish you to be, I will give you until the next full moon to enjoy yourself. Twinkle considered. Food, food, food now. Oh, what did it matter about the future? Certainly if he didn't get food now, he would not live many more days, let alone until any future full moon. Better to eat until any future full moon better to eat now and die later than not to eat now and to die today so very well i agree there's logic in that yeah i mean yeah you can convince a starving person to do almost anything pretty much anything

yeah this wizard's fucked up yeah good good said wizard. He took a piece of parchment out of his pocket and a pen from behind his ear. He wrote some words on the parchment and then said, perhaps you will be good enough to sign here. What have you written? Asked Twinkle. Good question. Yeah. Twinkle's smart. Twinkle's so smart.

Don't sign before you read the contract. Otherwise you end up in a human centipede situation oh no i haven't seen that movie and i will not i also haven't seen it i've only seen the south park episode where they're they're making fun of how none of us ever actually read those terms and conditions that we sign up for for like apple or whatever and like one of the terms and conditions is that once a year apple selects a lottery and you have to participate in a human centipede experiment if you get drawn or something i don't know oh gosh they're like how could who cares okay dear me dear me said the wizard did not your late mistress teach you to read that was indeed careless of her well the words i have written are plain enough they say i twinkle agree to give wizard phineas my fur and skin on the day of the

next full moon after Wizard Phineas decides that I am sleek enough for his purpose. Now for your signature, if you please. What? You can't write either. Tut, tut. Your education has been sadly neglected. He's a kid!

Well, well, make a mark with your paw. So Twinkle dipped his cute little paw in the ink and dabbed it on the parchment. And the wizard wrote, Twinkle, his signature, underneath the paw mark. Then he folded up the parchment, put it back in his pocket and said, we dined at one o'clock. Now feed me now. This is so very formal. Yeah, this is very formal.

Does the cat have to dress for dinner? Does he have to put on a little bow tie? Oh, I hope so. Twinkle's mouth was watering. He followed the wizard to his house in the village. At one o'clock, he was sitting opposite the wizard on a table piled with food in a handsome room that was full of all sorts of interesting and curious things large carved chests and clocks big and little bottles of scent a tray of pearls another tray of full of diamonds and hanging on the walls among the weather charts and mysterious maps the skins of various animals

labeled and dated phineas is a freak he's a bit of a freak I guess like he asks first I mean he made it pretty clear it's pretty formal but at the same time never mind I take it back he's manipulating you know he's manipulating animals in a desperate situation

yeah that's true we'll have to decide so fucked up animals in a desperate situation. Yeah, that's true. We'll have to decide. So fucked up. This is very interesting. This is a great example of a what the fuck fairy tale. Yes, it is. Oh, shoot. I didn't check to see where it was from either.

Oh, yeah. It is from Switzerland. I thought the Swiss are supposed to be nice. Not their wizards. I guess not. No, they're just passive. They don't take sides. You know, he's just a chaotic neutral.

I guess so. It sounds like he's a lawful neutral. Sounds like he's a lawful evil. He's following rules. He's signing contracts. It's all very cut and dried dried it's on the up and up it's just yeah shitty manipulating starving animals not cool that's pretty evil all right anyway but what twinkle didn't like at all was the sight of an empty pig with a label dangling

from it for though twinkle could read nothing else, he could read his own name, and on the label was written, Twinkle the Cat. Don't let that label spoil your appetite, said the wizard with a good grin. Tomorrow is not today. Eat, drink, and be merry is a very good maxim. And Twinkle did eat and drink. And the days passed, his fur became smooth and shiny again, his eyes sparkled with their old brilliance. He had never looked handsomer or felt more fit. And for a time, he managed to push all

thoughts of his future fate out of his mind, for, as the wizard so truly said, tomorrow is not today. But then, oh dear. One morning, the wizard looked at him and said, Twinkle, you are now sleek enough, and I'm thinking it is getting on for the time that I should have that fur. Let me see, let me see.

Today there is a new moon. You will remember, no doubt, that in our agreement, I gave you until the moon was full. So you'd best not waste a moment, my lad, that in our agreement I gave you until the moon was full. So you'd best not waste a moment, my lad, but enjoy yourself whilst you may. Yes, yes, let this be a merry month, even though it must come to a sad end. The wizard heaved a tremendous sigh. I shall miss our little meals together, Twinkle.

You've been good company for a lonely old fellow. The wizard gave another tremendous sigh. Truly, miss you my twinkle but unfortunately i do have to skin you and tack you to the wall why can't he wait until like it's he trickles a cat i mean he wants him to be i think in his like prime that's why he's like you have to be fat and sleek oh sure okay for my for my wall of horror. Like most weird people that kill animals and put them on the wall. Yeah, that's true. You don't want some grizzled old cat fur.

You want a beautiful one. Mm-hmm. This is bumming me out a little bit. Yeah. This is super fucked up. But Twinkle seems clever and asks great questions. Twinkle can get out of it i believe in him i predict that this will not end with twinkle on the wall me too i'm really

hoping okay twinkle went out and sat on the roof he felt utterly miserable it was all he could do not to howl and then he heard a soft little meow. He looked up and what did he see? Coming cautiously toward him a step at a time. Now a step, then a stop, then another step. He saw the loveliest little she-cat in the world. Aw, okay. A she-cat.

A little she-cat with a coat soft as silk and white as a new fallen drop of snow. The little white cat came close to Twinkle. She rubbed her snowy white cheek against Twinkle's black cheek. She purred loudly. Meow. Good morning, she said. My name is Snowflake. What's your name?

Okay. Twinkle. Twinkle. Very masculine. Snowflake, what's your name? Okay. Twinkle. Twinkle. Very masculine. Snowflake. These are very clever names for cats. I love it. But these are also the names that a 10-year-old names their cat.

It's very cute. Twinkle. Oh, what a funny name. Do you like me, Twinkle? Do you think I'm pretty? I think you were the most beautiful pussy that ever the sun shone on me.

Then I shall wait. Oh, gosh. Just say cat. Just say cat. Just say cat. Then shall I be your little wife, Twinkle? And shall we have one, two, three, four, five little kittens? And shall some of them be like you and some of them like me?

Oh, yes, yes, you shall be my little wife. The little white cat gave a little laugh and a little jump swiftly she ran away over to the wizard's roof and over the neighboring roofs and twinkle raced after her he forgot all about the wizard he forgot all about his dreadful fate he had no thoughts for anything but little white snowflake okay Right out of the village they ran and into the fields. And there, little white snowflake stopped running and let Twinkle catch her. And there...

Wow. Are we about to have some like... Where is this going? Okay. So she lets him catch her. And there, under a hedge of flowering hawthorn, they lived together happily, oh, so happily, for the next 12 days. But the moon that had been a mere slip of a thing when they first met was growing every night near to the full.

And one night, Twinkle, in the midst of singing a love song to his snowflake, aww. Aww. Mow-wow-wow. Mow-wow-wow. song to his snowflake. Oh, looked up into the sky and his love song turned into a melancholy howl. Oh, twinkle said snowflake. You frighten me. What is the matter? It is my promise.

Said twinkle, my solemn oath, the paper i signed and he told her all about the wizard poo said snowflake yeah that's right snowflake poo poo indeed on that i shouldn't take any notice of that if i were percent. An honorable cat keeps his word. So he's a lawful good. Yeah. Rude. No.

Inappropriate. Cats are chaotic. Goodbye. Oh, goodbye forever. My dearest dear. Think of me sometimes. Won't you? You shan't go.

Cried Snowflake. I must go. Said Twinkle. Then I will come with you. Said Snowflake. if the wizard takes your skin he shan't do it before i've scratched his eyes out but i don't think he will take your skin i have an idea snowflake and she whispered in his ear fuck yeah fuck yeah snowflake i love snowflake what a little rebel hell yeah so you know you you don't have to fucking fulfill a contract that you signed under duress.

Like. Yes, that. That's bullshit. She gets it. She does. And she whispered in his ear. It was a long whisper. And when it was finished, Twinkle took heart and said, yes, yes, that is what I will

do. And on the night of the full moon, they set off together to the village. When they reached it, Snowflake said, you remember all I have told you to say, my Twinkle? Yes, every word of it, said Twinkle. Then goodbye until we meet again, said Snowflake. and she ran off. And Twinkle went into the wizard's house. The wizard was raging up and down through all his rooms looking for Twinkle. He had a big knife in his right hand, and his left hand was clenched into a fist, beating the air. But when he saw Twinkle, he stopped raging and grinned. Oh, so you have come back, you little rascal. An honorable cat keeps his word, said Twinkle. Boo.

Well then, master honorable, chuckled the wizard. Which shall I do? Shall I skin you first or shall I cut off your head? Yeah, he's enjoying this way too much. I mean, if those are my two choices, cut off my head first, please. Definitely the head. Definitely the head first. If you please, I would rather you first cut off my head, said Twinkle meekly.

You are right, poor pussy, said the wizard. I will not torment you unnecessarily, for I am fond of you, my twinkle. Yes, very fond of you, he added with a sigh. And if you have anything you would wish to say before you die, any little last request or confession, I will willingly listen. And then Snowflake leaps in the raptors with her claws extended, scratches his eyes out, and then they run for it. And his last words to him are, fuck you!

Bye, bitches! Bye, bitches! No, we still have a few more pages left. But that is an excellent fix. Twinkle sighed. Yes, I have something on my conscience, said he. Then out with it, my twinkle, out with it, cried the wizard, who hoped he might hear something to his own advantage. Like what? You already have all the advantage.

I'm so not aware of it. Okay. Yeah. Twinkle heaved another great sigh. Done is done, he said. Repentance comes too late. Ho, ho, what have you been up to, you little sinner, said the wizard. Have you stolen something from me? Have you done me a wrong in which i know nothing come confess you little satan

no i have satan i know he's he's he's a drama king okay whatever he's something this wizard i kind of like that there's an evil wizard though that's usually wizards are like more good yeah yeah the wizard well because you know sexism wizards are good witches are evil yeah that's so rude you know it's actually it actually is kind of refreshing to have like a wizard who skins cats yeah i'm glad it's not a witch because the witch would just want to keep him forever exactly as a familiar okay anywho anywho he really wants the tea no i have done you no wrong said twinkle on your account i have nothing to reproach myself with i was thinking of the 10 000 gold guineas that belong to my late mistress, but

what use in talking? It's all too late. Though, come to think of it, it might not be too late. You, Sir Wizard, clever man that you are, might do a lot of good with 10,000 gold guineas. 10,000

gold guineas, screamed the wizard. Does such a sum exist? Well, yeah. No, probably. Oh, that and more, said Twinkle. And where are those guineas, cried the wizard. And how can they be got a hold of?

Screamed the wizard. Yeah, I know. He screamed. He's poor. He's poor and psychotic. Mm- I know. He screamed. He's poor. He's poor and psychotic. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Speak up, you little rascal.

Tell me at once. At once. Or I shall now cut off your tail and both your ears. It's a very long story, sighed Twinkle. And telling of it will but postpone my fate. Though I suppose a fellow who is about to die snatches at even half hour more of his life. The wizard dragged forward a stool and sat himself down on it in front of Twinkle with the great knife across his knees.

Now, you chatterer, what about those 10,000 golden guineas? It's a long story, Twinkle sighed again. No, then, those guineas lie hidden at the bottom of a well. How did they come there? Cried the wizard. And to whom do they belong? They don't belong to anyone now, said Twinkle. And that is just what troubles my conscience. Once they belong to my dear mistress. You must know that when my mistress was young, Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. her because of her money. So what did she do? She dressed herself in the plainest of plain clothes

and set out to travel abroad, riding on a donkey and only taking one faithful servant with her. Well, she got as far as Rome and in Rome, she met with a handsome young man called Roberto. Roberto fell in love with her. Nice. And she fell in love with Robertoberto ah how dearly she loved him but no she would not trust him perhaps he too had heard about her money so she decided to try him she told him that she told him that she was betrothed to a young man in her homeland she invented a name for this young man and she called him justice Jolie or just happening with this story. He's telling a different story.

Yeah. Um, I love, I love a story within the story. And everybody has a name except for his mistress. Did she have a name? I don't think he said. No, just old woman, old, lonely woman, Did she have a name? I don't think he said. No.

Just old woman. Old lonely woman. Old lonely cat lady. Who I assume was about to drive Roberto away because she's playing games instead of, you know, just being with him. Well, her fake husband's name is Justin Jolie. Okay. She described him in such glowing terms and so handsome and so good. So everything that a man should be poor young Roberto's heart sank into

his boots at the thought of such a rival. But alas, alas, said she, my Justin is as poor as a church mouse. We plan to start a business with my money. We fix the wedding day and then, oh me, all my money was stolen from me by a wicked lawyer. And now we have nothing. Oh, worse than nothing. We have huge debts. I came here to Rome to see if my aunt could help me, but she will not hear of it. And now I would wish to die.

Okay. This is starting to feel like an irish fairy tale yeah this changed genre poor young roberto he felt very sad but he asked her how much money was owing 10 000 gold guineas said she ro Roberto gasped. That is a very big sum, he said. But be of good cheer. The money shall be found. And he bowed and left her. What did he do? He sold everything he possessed.

And the next day he came to her again, bringing with him 10,000 guineas and begging her to accept them. Oh, how her eyes sparkled with the light. But she said she could only accept it in one condition. That he should attend her wedding as best man. Okay. What? What? Well, she's letting things go

pretty far. I know, geez. I'm still okay. I'm still, okay. And he's, Roberto is strong. Yeah, he is gone on this girl. Mm-hmm.

Too gone. I don't think the story is even true. I don't think so either. I think you're right. Okay. No, he couldn't, he told her. No, he wouldn't. But she insisted.

She pouted and shed tears until last he agreed. So then she took the money and set off joyfully to go back to her home, telling herself that at last she had found someone who really loved her, not for her wealth, but for herself. She laughed to think of how surprised Roberto would be that when on her wedding day, he found himself not the best man, but the best and dearest husband. Joyfully,

joyfully, she arrived home. I'm actually marrying you. Surprise. Surprise. Joyfully, she had her house made with beautiful new furniture and rich hangings. Joyfully,

on the appointed wedding day, she dressed herself in her bridal robes and drove to the church where Roberto was to meet her. But alas, Roberto did not come. Had he broken his promise? No, he had not. Faithful to his word, he had set out that as he was going across the bridge over a river the bridge broke and he was flung into the water and drowned okay this is such a long story for it not being true i twinkle said it was long he did say it was long i wasn't expecting it to really happen oh my god my fix with the story is already definitely snowball drops in the rafters scratches out the wizard's eyeballs and they run away yeah i like that my mistress had not spent one guinea of the 10 000 roberto had given her she'd kept it all as her dearest treasure to be returned to

roberto after their marriage now the side of those guineas was hateful to her she could neither keep nor spend them so what did she do? She carried them to a well deep in the wood near her home and cast them in. Twinkle, twinkle, interrupted the wizard. Are the guineas still there? That was

such a rambling tale and all I wanted to know about is where the money is. Kind of the same, just a little. A little bit. Although that is a heart-wrenching story. Yes. Like, that sucks. That sucks. But don't play

games. That's convoluted. Don't play games. Get married. No. He really loved her. And not just for her money. money he probably if she changed her name was wandering around rome with a donkey thousands of miles from like her actual home he probably doesn't know who she is like also he apparently he had all this money too yeah okay anyway go on of course they are still there said tw Twinkle. Where else should they be? Then lead me to the well, cried the wizard, and we will fish them up.

That's a very fine answer, Twinkle. You get the gold. I lose my head. No, I shan't take you. Sassy. But you shan't lose your head, my Twinkle, cried the wizard. I swear you shall not. See, see, here's the parchment, the agreement you signed. I tear it up. I throw the pieces on the fire. You shall live, my Twinkle, and I will care for you.

I will love and care for you to the end of your days. Ah, how Twinkle's eyes sparkled when he saw the pieces of torn up agreement cast into the fire. Good, he said. I will take you to the well, fire good he said i will take you to the well and if you will bring a rope i will let you down and i hope it will not too much grieve the soul of my dear mistress to see her gold pass into your greedy hands but after all my life is my life and i will pray that she will forgive me so the wizard took a length of rope and he and Twinkle set out for the well in the wood. Of course, Twinkle's story was an invention from beginning to end. Okay. An invention of Twinkle's clever little wife, Snowflake.

So far as Twinkle knew. Snowflake likes to embellish. She was ready for this. Yeah, Snowflake's also a messy bitch who loves drama and i love that for her me too so far as twinkle knew his mistress had never had a lover and certainly she had never cast away her gold in this reckless fashion but when a fellow is fighting for his life well surely a little invention is justified especially to someone who's trying to kill you and forced you forced you into a contract under duress

lie the wizard was in a tremendous hurry he was taking such long strides that twinkle had to run to keep up with him. The gold won't run away. Pandit twinkle. Ah, see, there is my mistress's old house. I think I shall sit on the doorstep and take a rest. But the wizard gave him a kick and screamed.

Come on, come on. Rude. They were both in a very bad temper when they reached the well, which was some distance from the house, among the riotous growth of small green bushes. And you mean to tell me, said the wizard, that the young lady carried herself the 10,000 guineas all the way here? Oh yes, said Twinkle, but it took her many journeys, and she shed many and many tears on the way, you may be sure.

Bah! said the wizard. What do I care for her tears? Women enjoy crying. They cry about nothing. Oh, yeah. Push this guy into the well. Tear out his eyes first. I assume they're going to leave him down there.

Yeah, tear out his eyes and leave him down there. He tied one end of the rope to a bush and the other end he knotted around his waist now he said he i'm going down you keep a paw on the rope and when i give a tug pull me up again how buff is this cat to pull up a whole ass human that's a pretty buff cat the cat is magic if he's expected to pull up an entire grown man. He leaned over the well and peered down. The sunlight shining through the bushes sparkled on the water. I could see them, shrieked the wizard.

I could see the golden guineas gleaming. And he jumped into the well. Twinkle untied the end of the rope from the bush and tossed it into the well. Goodbye, he said. Goodbye forever, Mr. Wizard. And he hurried back to the house of the rope from the bush and tossed it into the well. Goodbye. He said goodbye forever, Mr. Wizard. And he hurried back to the house of his old mistress. The house looked very cheerful and all the windows were wide open.

Pretty white curtains were fluttering in a gentle breeze. And best of all, who should come skipping down the front door steps to greet Twinkle, but his own dear little wife, Snowflake. Aw. Twinkle, Twinkle. She cried cried i have good good news the house has been bought by oh such a nice people a forester and his wife who have a family of children they have adopted me and i'm sure they will adopt you too

that's the cat distribution system working. Even in fairy tales. See, here comes our new mistress. She cried as pretty motherly looking woman came to the door and smiled at Twinkle. Meow, this is my husband Twinkle, said Snowflake proudly. What? Another of you, said the smiling woman. I'm sure he's very welcome. I don't like mice and I don't like rats. And so I do like pussycats. Come along in, both of you. It's high time you had some supper.

So Twinkle went into his old mistress's house and lived there happily with Snowflake for the rest of his life. By and by, they had a family of five lovely little kittens, such as a family as Snowflake had spoken of. Three of the kittens were black and gray like twinkle and two of them were white like snowflake and what about the wizard did he drown in the well yes say yes say yes no not he but he couldn't get out because the forester had said a prayer

over the well and boarded it up lest any of his children should tumble into it. So the wizard changed himself into a little water snake, a very bad-tempered little water snake, whose only pleasure was biting any frog or other creature who ventured near him. The end. Oh, wow. That was a little bit longer than i thought but well it would be a lot shorter if the story if snowflake hadn't really just like gone to town on this little soap opera she made up oh she was ready she was it was her moment Yeah. I still like the idea of her scratching his eyes out, but... This is still good. That ending was still pretty funny.

I like it. I like that Snowflake and Twinkle get everything they want. Do you think a fix for the story is the wizard does just die down there, like dies of starvation in the boarded up well. I like that he turns himself into a water snake because that's very wizardy. Yeah. And then I like that they even added like the little, it even has like the little note that he bites frogs for fun because he's a horrible person it's like an unnecessary but kind of funny and cute little that's true and like it's kind of

like how you know how we wish we knew more of the story instead of just ending happily ever after it's like and he was miserable and he lived the rest of his life as a little water snake. As a little water snake. Was bullying frogs. Because that's all it can do now. I do like that. I will take it. I think my only fix for the story is that, honestly, Twinkle, I know that Snowflake wrote a little play here and that she's probably super proud of it.

I know that Snowflake like wrote a little play here and that she's probably super proud of it. But as soon as you said there's gold in this well, like the wizard is greedy. He's sold. He doesn't need any more information. Does not need the rest of the story. He would have followed you there without the story probably. It was a good story. I mean, it was gut wrenching. Written beautifully. That was a good story. I mean, it was gut-wrenching. Written beautifully.

That was a soap opera. All right. Pussycat Twinkle was the protagonist. Yep. I got no points. Yeah. There was no pirate. No pirate.

The cat did talk. And there... Was there another magic creature? Could the water snake or the other cat even? The wizard is magic. Yeah, I'm going to say I got two points on that one. Yeah, take it. Another birthday boy. Yeah. Take it. That's another birthday point. Oh, my gosh.

I was exactly wrong. Yes, you were. I was perfectly wrong. But that's okay. It's great. That was fun. Yeah. Great story.

I loved both of these. I love a creature feature episode. Yes. This was our creature feature. We hope you enjoyed it. I think that's going to do it for us today. I think so too. Yeah.

Thank you so much for listening to Fairytale Fix. If you enjoyed the show, make sure to subscribe and leave us a review on Apple or you can leave us a star rating on Spotify. We're up to 65 at this point while we're recording. It's very exciting. We're a little indie podcast. So any love you can throw our way is super duper helpful. Super appreciated. super duper helpful. Super appreciated.

If you really love the show and you want to support us like all the other clear-skinned, beautiful, fae creatures that we have on our Patreon, you can sign up at fairytalefix.cash

and you get extra episodes. You get chances to win merch, books, and other bonus content. And you can also find us on Twitter and Instagram and TikTok and Facebook and I think most of the socials at FairytaleFixPod.

And please email us your favorite fairy tales, folklore, nursery rhymes, and other such things at info at FairytaleFixPod.com. And so the little goblin pony continued to live their best life, kidnapping wayward French children and drowning them in the sea, as things should be. And Snowflake came and scratched his eyes out before I hopped into the well, so he was a blind little water snake.

Perfect. And they all lived. Happily ever after. The end.