Fairy Tale Fix - 7: This 1800s Tea Is STRONG

Episode Date: December 22, 2020

Bringing some true holiday nightmare fuel to your ears, Kelsey tells the world’s most depressing Christmas story ever, The Fir Tree, while Abbie tells the world’s weirdest fairy tale ever, The Snowman, both tales by known bisexual disaster Hans Christian Andersen. Brace yourself because both of these are TRULY WTF and that’s why we love them.

It's Christmastime. How nice is that? I just believe it. Just like fairies, Christmastime will manifest. what's your favorite you will tide ritual that's a great question. I really love cooking Christmassy stuff. So I don't know if I mentioned this before, you guys, but I'm Danish. What? I know. Oh, my God. Well, Christmas time. Never said this.

And this isn't a religious Christmas. This is just, you know, holiday fun. Very pagan, for me anyway. But Christmas in Denmark is really big. Like, they fucking love Christmas. And they make just the most, like, fun

meals that usually involve a lot of sugar and a lot of milk. So I really love, I love making Abelskivers. They're those little Danish pancake balls. Oh, you've made me able skeevers before. They are delicious. Yeah, they're kind of like fried a little bit. So there's like a divot in the pan. I'm gonna do like a little tutorial on Instagram or something. Because it's so much fun. And that's

very holiday for me. And I also really love making rosalamand. So it is a rice pudding. And what's really fun about it, it's a rice pudding with a cherry sauce. It's really delicious and it's actually not very sweet. You don't put very much sugar in, but you put in so much milk. That sounds amazing. But I really love that it's a game. How is it a game?

Everybody gets a little bowl of rosalamand. Okay. that it's a game. How is it a game? Everybody gets a little bowl of Rosalimond. Okay. Only one of them gets a whole almond, but it's usually served with like some sliced almonds on top. And whoever gets the whole almond gets a prize. Ooh, okay. So I usually buy a stupid prize that is ridiculous. One year it was nose flutes.

Those little plastic things you put on your nose and you breathe through your nose and you breathe in your nose and it makes a whistle. They're so fun though. Whoever gets the whole almond, they get a prize and it's just fun. That's so cute and tasty. I love that. It's way better than yours. What's your favorite Yuletide tradition? It's not a Yuletide tradition so much as it's just a wintertime thing that I really enjoy. I love a book, a hot toddy, and a roaring fireplace. What is your preferred whiskey in your hot toddy? Or do you like brandy?

I like brandy. I like brandy in my hot toddies. That's fancy. I'm a fancy girl. You're so fancy. I always do bourbon in my hot toddies. That's fancy. I'm a fancy girl. You're so fancy. I always do bourbon in my hot toddies. But that sounds... I mean...

I feel like I do that as soon as it gets like 70 degrees. Yeah. Well, you live in California, so... It never truly gets cold. Yeah, I got to take those cool days while I have them. Exactly. And then I get annoyed by them after like one month of cool weather. I think my other thing my family does over the holidays is we usually do a big Christmas Eve feast.

We cook together. And it doesn't have to be like traditional food. My mom and I made mac and cheese one year. Your mom is an amazing cook, by the way. She is an amazing cook. So it was fancy mac and cheese one year. Your mom is an amazing cook, by the way. So it was fancy mac and cheese. The night before Christmas Eve is always like a bunch of fancy stuff.

So it's like a fancy mac and cheese or she'll make like a roast beast and Yorkshire pudding and a bunch of just fancy stuff. And then the morning after, she cuts up a bunch of stale bread and a bunch of cheese and a bunch of bacon or sausage and some egg.

And she'll throw that in the oven. And then we'll just have a lazy hodgepodge caracal casserole. Oh, my God. That sounds amazing. And then we get hammered because my family drinks mimosas from dawn till dusk all day long on Christmas Day. I want to come hang out with your family for Christmas so badly. You are literally welcome anytime because my mother loves you more than me. No, I don't.

Well, I don't think that's true. I can only hope, though, because that really does sound incredible. It's a good time. And it does snow in Pennsylvania where they live. Oh, fun. Yeah. It definitely doesn't snow in California where Abby used to live and where I currently reside. So snow is just really magical and strange for us.

No, I was an open-mouthed idiot the first winter that I lived in Maryland. And it barely snows in Maryland. Not at all like how it snows in upstate New York or Pennsylvania or anywhere that's actually. Like even the light dusting of snow we get from January to March in Baltimore still made me just go, wow, it's so pretty. It's everywhere. It makes the world look so clean. It is pretty. I, for like the first time ever last year spent, um, New Year's Eve in Tahoe. And obviously it was like snowing in Tahoe and it was just amazing and just like incredible. And it's so pretty everything's just icy white and sparkling and you know there are scary snowmen i really love seeing snowmen

i love seeing snowmen out in the wild like you're just driving through Tahoe and there's snowmen everywhere. Snow people. All over the place. Why? They're so fun. It's fun to see like different types. I don't know. There's something really special about the holidays for sure.

It's a good time. It's just cozy. Well, and that's kind of the best part about it. It's cold outside. And so you snuggle up in all of your sweaters and your thick socks and your warm drinks. And it's just, I don't know. It's really nice. I love this time of year. It's the epitome of hygge.

Yeah. Hygge is the Danish word for like cozy, comfy. I think most people know that by now. I mean, honestly, I had no idea what it was. The first time you said that word to me, I was like, huh? What? Yeah, it's a strange language. Hooga.

Nothing is spelled the way it's supposed to be. Oh my gosh, no. I mean, I'm sure a Danish person would disagree. And, but yeah, to my to my english to my english brain it all looks wrong from what i've read even danes are like yeah our language basically sounds like german but you're speaking with a hot potato in your mouth so by the way if you have any danes listening to this and you disagree or you have any opinions i want to know please tell me i need a danish pen pal because i have so many questions educate your

danish sister in the states yeah sadly my grandmother and my great aunt who were from but denmark um both passed away when i was pretty young before you know you're old enough to really appreciate your kind of heritage and i mean they had a big impact on like the way I grew up and why I love the things I love. And, you know, they died too early for me to really understand it or to ask good questions or to care because teenagers are the worst. Or at least I was. No, I think that's fair to say. I think most teenagers are just uniformly the worst. Except for Connor, if you're listening. Connor is the best teenager.

Oh, but it's not your fault. If you're a teenager, it's not your fault that you're the worst. Because the world is just the worst to you. Also, your brain is the worst to you. Yeah. You poor creatures with your poor brain ask your elders all the questions now because one thing i regret the most is like she would want to give me things because she's like you know i wanted you to have this before i die and

i was like you're never gonna die shut up and literally like that was kind of my mindset i was like i didn't want to talk about that stuff I didn't ever want to think about it happening. And then it did. And then I regretted not just listening to her and very interested in them. And they were all wonderful in their ways and were very sweet to me. One of my biggest regrets is not being more interested in my grandma Marion, who was a welder in World War II. She would weld Navy ships. And I bet she had some great stories about that. But she also didn't really like kids very much. And I didn't really like old people very much. And so we kind of had a detente of sorts in our communication where she'd come home for Christmas and she'd hand my sister and I a movie, a VHS. She'd hand us like whatever VHS Disney movie had just come out, kind of pat us on the head and be like, yes, now go watch this movie while I talk to your parents. She was so cool. She gave me a really saucy book. And I think that was one of her last presents to me when I was 13 is she finished this detective crime novel that had a couple of steamy scenes in it. And then then do you remember the name of the book

tell me later if you think of it oh man um i love that so much oh i think it was i think it was called something like never look back and the picture on the front was a woman in tight jeans and a leather jacket uh looking over her shoulder as like a serial killer cast his long forbidding shadow towards her as she's running down an alley or something it was oh my goodness that sounds exciting she had it hidden behind one of those old lady dust covers that had like it was it was green and it had like large pink flowers on it and i asked her what she was reading one day and she had just finished it and she's all like here you can have it that's how I got my first like adult novel yeah my dad had a I mean he had a million books but he had Dean Koontz's uh false memory and I don't know why the cover false memory yeah I know you've read that one uh the cover just intrigued me and I don't know why the cover false memory yeah I know you've read that one the cover just

intrigued me and I liked the title false memory and I'm like dad can I read this and he's like yeah go for it and it was I mean I was in I was 12 or 13 and that was you know that's a pretty intense book for a 13 year old it was but I loved it it was so good and that was probably one of the other things that got me into Dean Coutts and kind of suspense thrillers that's fun ah ah being a teenager being a teenager

segueing it back to the winter holidays I think it's always been such a it makes you think of your family doesn't it yeah I think across many cultures like winter is a time to think about your family and about death a little bit and then and then also about warmth and gratitude and you know because you're stuck inside with your family ostensibly you know during these months i genuinely want to know other people's yuletide traditions. So tweet at us. If you've got some good ones.

Or, you know, comment on Instagram or just email us. It's info at fairytalefixpod.com. Dot gov. Dot edu. Dot gov. Dot gold, baby. Dustin wouldn't let us have that handle, and I think he was wrong. Our producer. But, yeah, I want to know like your traditions do you guys do Santa uh do you do Krampus because my sister my sister actually has taught her daughter about

Krampus and it's pretty funny she actually is obsessed with Kramp with it's really cute my little I love it she's taken after her auntie girl after my own heart loves the creepy shit already so that's just covering like the secular slash Christian stuff so

if you've also got some Hanukkah or Kwanzaa things or some pagan things or some I don't know completely nothing to do with anything but winter stuff yeah definitely absolutely want to know about it didn't we welcome the holly king one year yeah I usually celebrate the winter solstice I do like a big pagan bash at least I started to but then everyone moved away but i usually try to celebrate the winter solstice in some kind of fashion you know i i love the traditional like bonfire where you write down on a piece of paper like something you wish for in the new year or as the seasons

change you know and then let it burn in the fire and have it kind of whisked back into the world, into the universe. That was a really fun night. Yeah. It was so much fun. Yeah. And I think that's why I love cooking so much. You're not just doing it for you.

You're doing it for other people. Yeah. And you're kind of spreading your warmth and well wishes and just keeping people warm all year. And it's real cheesy. But in the best way. I know, I love it so much. It's the cheesiness that keeps us alive.

I know. Especially when it's so cold and dark all the time. And I can't even imagine how this year is going to be with the pandemic. So we'll see. Yes. Well, speaking of the cold, dark, and, you know, the perfect time of year for telling stories, you got a story for me? I do have a story for you.

I actually looked up what is a good holiday-themed fairy tale. Okay. Because the only one I could think of was The Snow Queen, and I'm not quite ready to get into that territory yet although I love that fairy tale well yeah because then we'd inevitably have to talk about Frozen and we just did Mulan so I'm also I'm not ready to talk about Frozen um yeah but if you haven't read the Snow Queen that's what Frozen is based on and it is so good maybe maybe next winter we'll do the Snow Queen yeah I think next winter I chose The Fir Tree by Hans Christian Andersen. Okay. Also because Danish people love Christmas time. So I'm not surprised that there was a holiday themed fairy tale from Hans Christian Andersen. And it was written in 1844.

And I've already told Abby about this story just a little bit. So the fact that it is so depressing. I'm clutching my beer right now. Just kind of like, oh, God, what's going to happen? Yeah. So I read this and I messaged Abby and was like, I don't know if I should do this one because it's so sad. And she said she absolutely wanted to hear it. I definitely want to hear it. And then I'm going to do one that is less sad, kind of. Okay. We'll get through the sad one together. We'll all hold hands.

And then we'll have a slightly sillier one to end on a higher note. Okay. Oh, good. I'm so excited. I'm so relieved because I don't know anything about the snowman. Excellent. So give me your three predictions for the fir tree knowing that is sad and it was written by a danish i mean what it was written by the guy who wrote the match girl which i genuinely can't think of a sadder

fairy tale he got depressed around the holidays a lot did hans he has so many winter stories about death and sadness oh and i do have a couple historical facts about this but i'm gonna tell you afterwards because i think if i tell you now it's it's gonna give it away yeah it's it's probably super relevant to how and why he wrote it the way he did okay um the fir tree first prediction it's about a wealthy Danish family. The second prediction is they seem like they have a perfect life, but it's going to turn out that they don't for some reason. And then the third one, it's a Hans Christian Andersen story, so I'm not going to –

probably isn't too much having to do with like the devil. Yeah, I would scrap any predictions about the devil. I'm just going to throw that out there. Any devil predictions? I'm going to give you that one. It's going to be like, it's Hans Christian Andersen, so it's going to be more existentially sorrowful. Just generally depressing. Try not to make faces.

Don't make faces at me. I'm going to pour some more wine. I'm going to stare at the tapestry behind my desk and contemplate fir trees. A child gets horribly sick and dies. Okay. It's about a rich Danish family. And then number two is they have a terrible secret. And then the third one is a child gets ill and dies. Okay. Because you told me it was sad. Are you ready for the most depressing Christmas tale you'll ever hear? God damn it, I am.

Spoiler alert, this will make you never want a Christmas tree again. Is the tree going to kill them all? I'm changing my prediction. It's a horror film that I want to watch. I'm changing my mind. It is an evil tree. Okay, and this is a long story, so... Strap in.

Settle in, and let's do this. Out in the woods, there stood such a pretty little fir tree. It grew in a good place with plenty of sun and fresh air, and around it stood many tall comrades, both fir and pine trees. Do you like my decorations? You're the most beautiful tree I ever saw. It's my favorite cartoon ever. Well, the little fir tree was in such a hurry to grow up. It didn't care a thing for the warm sunshine or fresh air,

and it took no interest in the peasant children who ran about collecting raspberries and strawberries. The little peasant children would see the tree and say, oh, isn't it a nice little tree? It's the baby of the woods, which is something I would totally say. Well, the little tree didn't like their remarks at all. Oh, all right. Okay. The following year, the little fir tree shot up a long joint of new growth and the next year another joint still longer okay i wish i were a grown-up tree like my comrades the little tree side then i could stretch out my branches and see from my top what the world is like oh birds would make me in their nesting place. And when the wind blew, I would bow back and forth with all the great trees.

And again, the little fir tree still had no pleasure in the warm sun or the birds. Okay. I already like the started in the sad place and it's not going to get happier probably. Sounds like this little tree's a shit. It's a whiny little tree it certainly is uh in the winter it's my murder mystery what yours wasn't depressing yours sounded way too exciting i'm already telling you your predictions were so wrong your predictions made it way better as soon as it turned out the fir tree was the main character,

I realized that all of my predictions were probably wrong, but continue. In the winter, with snow sparkling on the ground, a little hare would come and jump right over the little tree. The hare did this the next winter and the next, which was so irritating to the little tree. But the third winter, the tree had grown tall enough that the hare had to jump around it. Again, those tricky, tricky hares. Hares, man. Oh, to grow, grow, get older and taller, the little tree thought. That is the most wonderful thing in the world. Well,

every autumn, woodcutters would come into the forest and cut down the largest trees. It made the little tree tremble to see their large bodies crash to the ground and be stripped of their bottom limbs. So why does he want to become a large tree if something so scary is going to happen to him? Oh, just wait. I'm about to tell you. Okay. Well, it could barely recognize the larger trees as they were whisked away by horror-strung carriages. could barely recognize the larger trees as they were whisked away by horror-strong carriages.

One spring, the swallows and storks arrived back in the forest, and the little fir tree asked the birds if they knew what happened to the larger trees when they were taken away in the autumn. The little birds knew nothing, but the stork replied, Yes, I think I met them on my way from Egypt. I met many new ships, and some had tall, stately masts. They may have well been the trees you mean if i remember the smell of fur the stork gets around i wish i were old enough to travel on the sea please tell me what it really is and how it looks says the little tree and it would take too long to tell says the the stork, and he flies off. Yeah, yeah, from Egypt to Denmark.

That's a well-traveled stork. I don't know much about storks. Maybe they travel very far? Maybe. I know nothing about the migratory patterns of storks. Now I'm going to have to look that up later. You should Google that. Dustin, Google that.

Dustin! I need to know. He probably will. He probably already has by the time he hears it. Yep, he's already doing it. He's already doing it. And now he's just starting to hear us talk about it. And he's like, I already sent them that information.

Dustin's the man, by the way. So true. Rejoice in your youth, said the sunbeams. Take pride in your growing strength and the stir of life within you and the wind kissed the tree and the dew wept over it for the tree was young and did not understand oh my god i'm already sad because i can kind of see where this is going now when christmas came near more woodsmen came into the forest and cut down many young trees some were not even as old or as tall as our fir tree, who was in such a hurry to go traveling.

These young trees, which were always the handsomest, had their branches left on them as they were loaded into the carts and taken away. Where can they be going? The fir tree wondered. Why are they allowed to keep their branches? We know, we know! The sparrows chirped. Aw we know the sparrows chirped ah and the sparrows okay i love fairy tale birds fairy tale birds are the best they're such home fairy tale birds and fairy tale mice if birds or mice are talking to you you better listen and you

also better be nice and not hit them with rolling pins. Yeah, gosh. They are definitely about to dispense some wisdom. The sparrows told the fir tree how they went into town and looked through the windows to see little trees inside, planted in the middle of a warm room and decked out with splendid gold apples, gingerbread, toys, and hundreds of candles. The fir tree trembled in every twig. I love that line. I'm just imagining this little tree like-

So excited. Yeah, just rustling. I wonder if I was created for such a glorious future. Why, that is better than to cross the sea. I'm tormented with longing. Oh, if Christmas would only come. How I wish I were already in the cart on my way to a warm room where there's so much splendor and glory. And then onto something even better, something still more important is bound to happen. Or why would they deck me out so fine? Yes, there must be something still grander. This poor tree.

I know. And the air and the sunlight told the fir tree, Enjoy us while you may. Rejoice in the days of your youth out here in the open. But the fir tree did not rejoice at all. It just grew. The fir tree grew and was green both winter and summer. People who passed it said how beautiful it was. And when Christmas time came around the next year, they cut it down first.

The axe struck deep into its marrow and the tree sighed as it fell to the ground. It felt faint with pain. Instead of the happiness that it had expected, the tree was sorry to leave the home where it had grown up. It knew that it would never again see its dear comrades, the little bushes and the flowers about it, and perhaps not even the birds. The departure was anything but pleasant. Oh, oh, okay. Yeah yeah i feel like you can like see where this is going no yeah i definitely have a feeling that i know what's going to happen but also that was a very weirdly i don't know just unpleasant description of getting cut down i don't

like it it's uh very poetic though yeah very poetic hans christian anderson is a great writer so great so the tree was chosen by a family and taken into a beautiful splendid home the fir tree was planted in a large tub filled with sand but no one could see that it was filled with sand because it was wrapped in a green cloth and set on a colored carpet the tree quivered what would come next? The servants and young ladies of the house came to adorn it in beautiful decorations. From its branches,

they hung little nets cut out of colored paper, and each net was filled with candies. Ooh! I know. This sounds like the most dope Christmas tree, too. This is already a much better Christmas tree than I've ever had. They hung gilded apples and walnuts in clusters as if they grew there.

And hundreds of little white, blue, and red candles were fastened to the branches. How does that work exactly? I've always wondered about like how you actually hang a candle on a Christmas tree without burning the tree down. I mean, that's how they did it like back in the day. How does the tree not burn down? I honestly do not know someone out there knows someone's gonna tell us oh yeah is there anybody out there that still hangs real candles in their trees because that's fascinating and i want to see that even little dolls were hung from its branches which the tree took for real people since it had never seen their like before.

And at the very top was set a large gold tinsel star, and it was splendid beyond all words. Tonight, they all said. Ah, tonight the tree will shine. And the tree could not wait for tonight. Oh, if only tonight would come. If only the candles were lit. And after that, what happens after that? Will the trees come trooping out of the woods to see me after that what happens after that will the trees come

trooping out of the woods to see me will sparrows flock to the windows shall i take root here and stand in fine ornaments all winter and summer long oh you sweet summer child okay you sweet summer child you sweet summer tree you sweet sweet summer tree. You sweet, sweet summer fir tree. Because also, why would you think all the trees are going to come to see you when you have never uprooted yourself to come to see other trees? Because that tree is the prettiest, obviously. Oh, duh. Obviously. He's the most splendid tree that's ever been.

When the night came, its candles were lit and was a dazzling splendor. The tree quivered and every bow a candle set one of its twigs ablaze. It hurt terribly. Oh my God. Mercy me, cried the young ladies

and the fire was quickly put out. The tree no longer dared rustle a twig. It was awful. Wouldn't it be terrible to drop one of its ornaments? Don't worry about it so much, I guess. A flock of children.

And I just love that they called it a flock of children. Is that what you call a group of children? A flock? I'm going to from now on. Like a murder of crows or a clowder of cats or a complaint of Karens. A complaint of Karens. I've never heard that. That's so good. One of my co-workers said that to me the other day

and it was really funny. Oh my gosh, that's perfect. So a flock of children rush into the room and they are stricken speechless at the sight of the beautiful fir tree. They dance around it and picked up the presents one by one and eventually became distracted

with their new toys. An old man sat near the tree to tell the children the story of Humpty Dumpty, who tumbled downstairs, yet ascended the throne and married the princess. Does Humpty Dumpty do that? I don't know. Should we do Humpty Dumpty?

I think we should do Humpty Dumpty soon. I only know the first part about how he sits on a brick wall and then he has a big fall and then he can a big fall. And then he can't be put back together again. Yeah, that's all I know, too. He marries a princess? I guess so. How is that possible if he can't be put back together again?

We're going to, okay, I guess we're doing Humpty Dumpty next. Okay, well, we're doing the fir tree right now. The fir tree stood very still and had never heard such a tale as this yeah me neither so humpty dumpty tumbled down the stairs yet married a princess the fir tree pondered imagine that must be how things happen in the world maybe i'll tumble downstairs and marry princess too oh now i want that to happen sweet Sweet summer child. King fir tree. I love this fir tree so much. Sweet idiot.

The tree looked forward to the following day when we'd be decked out again with fruit and toys, candles and gold. All night, the tree dreamed its dreams. And the next morning, the butler and maid came in with their dusters. Now my splendor will be renewed, the fir tree thought. But it was taken upstairs to the attic and left in the dark corner where no daylight ever came. Okay, that is super sad. But also, that seems quick to me. Does that seem quick to you?

I'm going to, I mean, I'm going to out my family a little bit here that our Christmas tree went up the first week of December. And then it usually stayed up until March. Oh, yeah. We had a fake one. I'm sure if we had a real tree, it wouldn't last that long. But still, don't you usually keep these things around for a few weeks? It was also in 1844 and had real candles that had burned down all the way, and it was placed in sand. So I don't think they used to keep the trees in that placed in sand so i don't think they used to

keep the trees in that long like i don't think they planned on watering it i guess if you were rich too and you could afford to have servants haul in the tree decorate the tree and then haul it back out again then that would make sense the reason we left it up until march is because it was really annoying putting it away so we all put it off for a long time because we didn't have servants so yeah plus i just love having a tree up just looks nice pretty yeah yeah and it smells good especially if you water it we should keep them up all year long this little guy has the right idea but unfortunately he is stuck in an attic with no sunlight what's the meaning of this thought the fir tree what story shall i hear and the fir tree dreamt of christmas eve for days and nights but

no one came into the attic it's still winter outside thought the fir tree the earth is too hard and covered with snow for them to plant me now i must have been put here for shelter until springtime how thoughtful how good people are only i wish it weren't so dark here and so very very lonely there's not even a little hair. And the tree reminisced and missed the days when the hair had jumped over him. Eventually, a few mice scurried by the tree, rushing in and out of its branches. It is fearfully cold, one of the mice said. Except for that, it would be very nice here, wouldn't it, you old fir tree? The fir tree scoffed. I'm not old at all. Many trees are much older than I am.

The mice and tree spoke for a while, the mice being very inquisitive. The fir tree told them about Christmas Eve and when it was all decorated in fruit and candies. How lucky you have been, you old fir tree, the mice squeaked. And the tree insisted that it was not old, but that it was in the prime of its life and its growing has been suspended at the moment. And with every sentence out of its mouth, the story gets sadder and sadder. Exactly. The fir tree then told the old mice of Humpty Dumpty, and the mice were very interested in this story, and they listened with great detail. The fir tree remembered every word and told it spectacularly. A couple nights later, the mice returned with a couple of rats who wanted to hear another story. Is that the only story you know?

The rats asked, unimpressed. Only that one, the tree answered. I heard it on the happiest evening of my life, but I did not know then how happy I was. And the rats called the story silly and left. And this made the mice very sad. And they left as well. Rats are more worldly than mice. They sound like they're assholes.

And the mice are like really sad that they couldn't impress their rat friends. I am a rat expert because I live in Baltimore now. Are there a lot of rats in Baltimore? So many. It's actually something of rats in Baltimore? So many. It's actually something this city is jokingly known for. The tree sighed. Oh, wasn't it pleasant when those little mice sat around and listened to all that I had to say?

Now that too is past and gone, but I will take good care to enjoy myself once they let me out of here. One day, maybe a month or so later, while there was still snow on the ground, the servants came to clean out the attic and threw the fir tree hard onto the ground outside. Now my life will start all over, thought the fir tree. Kelsey, is he going to get chopped up into firewood? Is that what's, is that's, that's what's happening next, right? It felt the fresh air and sunbeams strike it as it was taken out into the courtyard. Now I shall live again the

fir tree rejoiced and tried to stretch his branches but they were brown and brittle the tree was tossed into a corner among the weeds and nettles the star that was still tied to its top sparkled bravely in the sunlight children passed by the tree and one said look at that ugly old christmas tree and stamped on its branches until they cracked beneath the shoes and he took the gold star. Kids are mean. The tree saw beautiful flowers blooming in the garden adjacent to the courtyard and saw itself and wished it had stayed in the attic alone. It thought of its young days and deep in the woods and of the Merry Christmas Eve. That of all the little mice when they were so pleased when it told them the story of Humpty Dumpty. My days are over

and past, said the poor tree. Why didn't I enjoy them while I could? Now they are gone, all gone. A servant came to chop the tree into little pieces and heap them together and set them ablaze under a big copper kettle. The tree moaned so deeply that each groan sounded like a muffled shot. With each groan, the tree thought of a bright summer day in the woods or a starlit winter night. It thought of Christmas Eve. It thought of Humpty Dumpty, which was the only story it ever heard and knew how to tell.

And then the tree burned completely away. No. And to quote exactly from the book, the last paragraph, the children played on in the courtyard. The youngest child wore on his breast the gold star that had topped the tree on its happiest night of all. But that was no more. And the tree was no more. And there's no more to my story.

No more. Nothing more. All stories come to an end. The end. That is so sad. isn't that so fucked up what um so when i read this i i think it was right after i read that last paragraph that i texted you and i was like i don't think i should do this oh my god that's so sad it's so depressing i feel like the ending is so depressing.

Maybe Anderson had just gotten dumped or something and he just gave up writing the story and he was like, there's nothing more. Nothing more. Like I can see his tears on the page as he's writing. Well, that's kind of funny because that ties into some of the stuff that I'm going to be talking about after my story vis-a-vis Anderson. Obviously, this story is about being appreciative in the moment and enjoying life and not just waiting for the next best thing. And a little bit enjoying your youth and not wishing it away. Because that's something that I remember doing a lot as a younger person. Yes.

I think a lot of kids do that. Yeah. So it's good to just enjoy oh my god this story is so sad according to wikipedia a scholar named jackie wulschlager a biographer of anderson indicates that this is the first of anderson's fairy tales to express a deep pessimism suggesting not only the mercilessness of fate, but the pointlessness of life itself, that only the moment is worthwhile. And she suggests that this could be an expression of existential doubt, like in his deep Christian faith. From what I read on Wikipedia, she said it

is a complement to the tale, The Snowman, which I recommended to Abby without reading. You want to do The Snowman? Yeah, no. And that's why that's the story that I'm doing. We'll talk about this more after I've done my story. Yeah, I know nothing, absolutely nothing about The Snowman. Okay, good. Was that not the most depressing Christmas tale you've ever heard? That was extremely sad. I feel like I should have just said a child dies

as my prediction as opposed to get sick and dies because I do feel that a child died. I feel like most of your predictions were wrong. They were all wrong. There was no terrible secret. It was a rich family because they had a full courtyard and servants but it wasn't about a rich family it was about the fir tree this makes me never want to get another christmas tree in my life i love the idea of anderson writing it like just kind of in a pit of self-pity or whatever was going on with him at the time and just being like everything sucks that last line but that was no more and the tree was no more and there was no more to my story no more nothing nothing more all stories then the fir tree got chopped up into firewood and died that's the end what's your fix my fix is obviously that the fir tree is taken to like a compost bin and a seedling sprouts from a cone in the springtime.

Oh, that's cute. God, just any ray of sunshine. Because what I do with my Christmas trees when I'm done with them is I donate them. I think the Boy Scouts take them into the river for like the salmon. Like they compost them in the river and that helps the salmon somehow. I don't know. It's like an environmental thing. So it's like you're not wasting the tree and the tree actually gets like a second life doing that. That's good. I feel like the fir tree in this story would have appreciated that more than being burned to ash so when i looked up you know holiday based fairy tales this one came up a lot and i was really excited to read it and

is is there another tale with a different ending or maybe does it have kind of a different spin if you're listening i really want to know if this is like one of your holiday traditional tales because i think a lot of people read it around the holidays so I'm wondering if there is a version with a different ending or maybe it has a little bit of a brighter note that was real sad yeah and what the fuck well because now I'm kind of thinking about like the parallels of like you read this story in front of the fir tree in your house and then it sort of parallels the fir tree listening to Humpty Dumpty honestly that was the line that stuck with me the hardest was you know it thought of like star star filled winter nights and and the story of Humpty Dumpty which is the only story it knew and the only story

it could tell or something like that that really ow I'm glad you were there but I, that's kind of why we're doing this podcast, because sometimes you read these tales and you're just like, what the fuck? Well, because that's also one that I never would have read on my own. Honestly, I'm glad that you suggested me reading The Snowman because typically I'm very uninterested in Christmas stories. I didn't even really enjoy a Muppet Christmas or whatever one they did with like Ebenezer Scrooge or whatever. Oh, with Michael Caine, the Muppet Christmas or whatever one they did with like Ebenezer Scrooge or whatever. Oh, with Michael Caine? The Muppet Christmas Carol? Yeah. That is one of my top of all time

favorite Christmas themed holiday movies. And I know again, we're going really Christmas. That's our culture. We're too white of the most generic sort. Uh-huh. Yeah. Not particularly religious, but definitely... Raised in sort of a secular Christian

adjacent upbringing for me and then actual Christian upbringing for Kelsey. But so sorry, a lot of our stuff is very Christmas focused, but that's what we know. Yeah, actually, if anybody has any different holiday themed tales that would be good to talk about around this time,

I would love... Or anything that's coming up to talk about around this time, I would love. Or anything that's coming up too. Any holidays that we might not know about. We'll do the Maccabees next year or something. Yeah, that'd be great. So I'm going to be reading you The Snowman. It's also by Hans Christian Andersen, but it was published a lot later than yours. It was published in 1861.

So a couple decades have passed since the first when he yeah years later yeah so he's in a different place he's in his middle age he probably has a new boo we're gonna get into that give me your predictions for what you think happens in the snowman so predictions for the snowman i predict that some kids make a snowman and he comes to life i feel like that has to be one prediction his name isn't frosty but if it is is that your second prediction no what if it's a snow woman and her name is jenis and it's about his ex that obviously dumped him right before he wrote the fur tree. Gosh, okay.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Okay. So it's your prediction to be clear is some kids build a snowman and he comes to life. You know what? Actually, I need to make it more vague because I want points. So just a snowman comes to life. I don't know who makes them.

That's not my business okay go on that's not my business i definitely predict that he melts and this my predictions aren't in order but like definitely that snowman melts and there's nothing more no more and there's no more this fail every story comes to an end oh Anderson was in such a good place around the holidays every year clearly gosh I feel for him the holidays are really hard guys

so just take it day by day and yeah everything comes to an end but you know there's a lot of good stuff in between like the sunbeams yeah and the starlit winter nights and the hair that you think is a jerk. But really, they just want to be your friend, even though those people can be exhausting. OK, sorry. Third prediction.

Give me a third one. I'm so focused. I'm not trying to delay this at all. Is that, can I predict that there is a, I don't know what it is, but that there is a happier, more Christian element, spiritual, religious element, happy ending? Can I predict that? Yeah. You may predict this. Okay.

I will allow it. Because it's wrong. But that was my guess. Okay. There is a snowman that comes to life. He melts away. And it's sad, sort of, but also that there is a sort of christian uh religious element that makes it kind of a happy ending that is those are my three okay so here we go the snowman by hans christian anderson written in 1861 it's so bitterly cold that my whole body

crackles said the snowman the wind can really blow life into you and how that glaring thing up there glares at me he met the sun it was just setting she won't make me blink i'll hold on to the pieces i love this snowman too he sounds he's a sassy snowman The pieces were two large triangular pieces of tile, which he had for eyes. His mouth was part of an old rake, hence he had teeth. He had been born amid the triumphant shouts of the boys and welcomed by the jingling of sleigh bells and the cracking of whips from the passing sleighs. That sounds a little terrifying. It does.

The teeth thing. Yeah, I know. I thought the teeth was also a terrifying touch. Is that how people make? I thought you made pebbles and you like shoved. I am by no means a snowman making expert because I grew up in California and then I moved to Maryland where like if there's a dusting of snow on the ground a couple of times a year, bro, like, oh, wow, that was a heavy snowfall this year.

So if you put parts of a rake as a snowman, do you have to take wire cutters and clip the ends of the rake? And then his teeth just, he looks like he's got a bunch of things. I hope so. Because that makes us a much different story. If he's a scary snowman. Somebody send us a picture,

please, please, please. Someone find us a picture of a classic snowman. A fun contest that you get nothing for, except my highest praise is send me the scariest snowman a fun contest that you get nothing for except my high highest praise is send me the scariest snowman photo you possibly can and i will you know what i don't even care i'll send you stickers or something you get stickers and maybe like a regram out of it scariest snowman

you've ever seen or made made would be preferable anyway i really love how this story starts out in media res it's just bam we're already in the middle of the story there's no lead up about who the snowman is where he is who made him there's just a snowman here and he's got beef with the sun don't they all i feel like that's very fair i feel like the sun is the snowman's natural enemy so that makes perfect sense this snowman's beef with the sun lasts all day and then on into moonrise and he thinks that the moon is also just the sun again come back to continue to taunt him very suspicious he's a very suspicious snowman he's just railing with his little stick fists raised against the sky

and he's still bitching about the moon and how much he'd like to move away from the moon when the old watchdog in the yard pipes up to explain that the moon and the sun are, in fact, different things. Shut up. Don't tell me about true stuff. Don't tell me true facts. I don't want to know true facts, dog. So the dog explains that the moon and the sun are two different things. And this old boy, he is hoarse from the book says that the dog is hoarse from a lifetime spent lying under the stove inside the house.

But now the dog is outside the house. I don't know why lying under the stove makes the dog horse and the story doesn't explain. But he can't really work up a proper bark anymore. So he just shouts away, away every other word. Because it's like hot and dry under this maybe in dust you know i'll take there's a lot of dust under my stove so the dog says you don't know anything at all but then of course you've just been put together the one you are looking at now is called the moon and the one who went away was the sun

she will come again tomorrow and she will teach you to run down into the ditch. We're going to have a change of weather soon. I can feel it in my left hind leg. I have a pain in it. I love this dog. I know, this dog is amazing. The dog is my favorite character. Full of wisdom. He's a very wise old dog. He tells the snowman there's going to be a change in the weather and he can feel it in his bones and the snowman thinks, I have no idea what you're talking about, dude, dude but okay it turns out that the dog is in fact quite right the weather does change the very next morning it gets misty and then very cold and then it snows and then when the sun comes up the whole world is glittering like diamonds and the snowman is very struck by

how gorgeous it all is and hans christian anderson can really paint a beautiful picture he really can it's a very long paragraph about how pretty snow is this is my favorite bit of it um and this is talking about the birch tree in the in the front yard of the enormously many delicate branches that are concealed by the leaves in summer now appeared, every single one of them, and made a gleaming white lacework, so snowy white that a white radiance seemed to spring from every bough. The birch waved in the wind as if it had life, like the rest of the trees in the summer. It was all wonderfully beautiful. And when the sun came out, how it all glittered and sparkled as if everything had been strewn with diamond dust and big diamonds had been sprinkled on the snowy carpet of the earth or one could almost imagine

that countless little lights were gleaming brighter even than the snow itself gorgeous picture that he paints there that's just beautiful and the snowman so beautiful such a way with words really appreciates it yeah and yeah hans christian is for whatever whatever his faults may have been and i'm just going to continue butchering it and making cheap jokes that's why we're here that's what we're here to do out into this beautiful snowy morning a young girl comes out into the garden with a young man which uh a little bit she's referred to as the young girl and he's the young man. And they're a, you know, young couple. It just bugs me.

So instead of the young woman and young man or just the young couple or the young girl and the young boy or whatever, it's just there's a man and there's a girl. There's a couple. Let's just pretend they're both young men. Yeah, there we go. Yes, that is a great fix for this story for young girls just you know or just them you don't even know whatever that's a young couple and they young lovers sweethearts and they come out into the beautiful snowy morning and admire the sparkling garden together and admire the sparkling snowman in the sparkling garden.

And the guy notes that the snowman is a sight that they can't have in summer. And then he and his sweetheart both laugh and they dance on the snow. And the snowman asks the dog, who are those people supposed to be? And the dog says, sweethearts, they'll move into the same kennel someday and gnaw the same bone together that is the cutest thing i know it's super adorable

oh goodness and the snowman like they're not already gnawing that same bone oh wow okay anyway that was also my first thought but yeah yeah they're already we're very mature adult women oof oof the snowman asks the dog but are they as important as you or i that seems like a rude question it is kind of a rude question he's a snowman what is what is that snowman no the snowman knows nothing he is yeah obviously he thought the moon was the sun fuck that guy he is john snow levels of nothing knowing don't even get me okay so then the dog proceeds to tell the saddest story ever was it the fir tree no it wasn't the

fir tree i wrote that note before i heard your story it is still a pretty sad story which unfortunately i think both you and i and anyone who's ever worked in an animal shelter has heard just a million times before oh of course the dog tells that story. Yeah. The snowman asks the dog, how do you know all these people and why are you chained up outside in the cold? And the dog says,

they used to tell me I was a pretty little puppy when I lay in a velvet covered chair up in the master's house or sat in the mistress's lap. They used to kiss me on the nose and wipe my paws with an embroidered handkerchief they called me the handsomest and little pupsie wupsie but then i grew too big for them for me to keep so they gave me to the housekeeper it's just a classic someone bought their partner or their kids a puppy for christmas and the puppy was cute for a while until the puppy got big

and started being a puppy but now like too large for its puppiness to be cute anymore and instead of like training the dog they decided to give it to the housekeeper i feel like this is extremely unfair that it's called the snowman and now we're talking about animal welfare which as abby mentioned we both worked in and shelter and it is the absolute i only worked there for nine months and it is like the hardest job i've ever had it's it's awful i worked there for two and a half years and like super rewarding too like it's definitely got its moments yeah but but uh we all have a lot of opinions and stuff about shelter but i also have very strong opinions about you know if it's definitely got its moments yeah but but uh we all have a lot of opinions and stuff about shelter but i also have very strong opinions about you know if it's not the right dog

or cat or animal for you also you shouldn't always feel terrible about giving it away because sometimes it makes sense yeah sometimes it makes sense but it's also why we like we would deny people adopt like christmas adoptions for exactly this reason oh my god i hate this fucking story already okay anyway so the dog the story isn't really supposed to be about the dog it's about the snowman but we're really lingering on the dog fuck the snowman stupid snowman this dog is a sad story anyway so they give the dog to the housekeeper and the dog lives with the housekeeper for for many years like and the housekeeper takes good care of it and the dog is more or less fine with his new situation he's got a warm little space by the stove to curl up and stay warm on cold winter nights and he gets a lot

of food and you know he's he's pretty well taken care of good as dog should be taking care yeah dog should be well taken care of and he says like I had my own cushion and then there was a stove, which is the finest thing in the world at this time of year. I crept right under it so that I was out of the way. I still dream of that stove sometimes. The snowman says, does a stove look so beautiful? Does it look like me? Does it look like me? Yeah.

And the dog says, it looks just the opposite of you. It black as coal and has a long neck and a brass stomach. And it eats firewood. And the fire spurts from its mouth. It eats the fir tree. An old-timey stove is actually kind of beautiful. Yeah. It's very comforting and cozy and uh hygge and very hygge

although it's very hygge i think like i'm remember did you ever watch like the beauty and the beast christmas special yeah i definitely i think there was like a really angry stove yeah it's that's scary and that classic old style so that's what i think of when i think of an old i bet kids were you know but i like scary stuff, so. So there you go. It looks like it has teeth and it has flames coming out of its face. So obviously, I love this. So obviously, Kelsey thought that thing was great. It's the best. Oh, boy.

Anyway, so the dog is describing the stove to the snowman. You must keep beside it or underneath it. It's very comfortable there. man um you must keep beside it or underneath it it's very comfortable there and he says that the snowman must be able to see the stove from where he's standing out in the yard because it's you know the stove was in the basement and there's like a little basement window and he should be able to see through and so the snowman looks and he sees a brightly polished thing with a brass stomach and fire glowing from the lower part of it. And a very strange feeling

swept over the snowman. He didn't know what it meant and couldn't understand it. But all people who aren't snowmen know the feeling. The snowman asks the dog, why did you leave her?

Because it seems to the snowman that like this lovely thing must be a lady stove. Oh my God, the snowman has a crush on the stove. Yeah, that's oh my god the snowman has a crush on the stove yeah that's the feeling that the snowman has that all non-snowmen know is this gonna turn into some weird anti-feminist i hate women no but it is gonna be weird okay it's not gonna be it's not gonna be weird like

that but it is going to be weird. Okay, okay. Good. I'm excited. Not like the kind of weird that's going to make us upset and want to turn all of this off. Okay. So the dog, in response to the snowman asking how he could leave such a wonderful stove, the dog replies, I was compelled to. They turned me outside and chained me up here. You see, I had bitten the youngest of the master's children in the leg because he kicked away a bone I was gnawing.

A bone for a bone, I always say. Fuck yeah, gotta love this dog. Also, poor puppy. Well, they didn't like that at all. That actually reminds me of, I forgot to read this bit. Like when the snowman asked the dog who the young couple is and asked the dog if he knows them. In addition to saying the dog says they're sweethearts, the dog also says, of course I know them. She pets me and he threw me a meaty bone once.

I don't bite those two. Oh, I love this dog. Me too. So this dog, this dog is very wise. He's a wise old dog. And he's very sassy and I love it so much. What kind of dog do you imagine this dog to be? Something kind of like large and wiry.

Me too. I'm totally picturing like just a mutt yeah like a wiry like but like a big mutt with wiry hair and a like maybe a little beard yeah i can totally see like a little beard but something sort of fluffy to live out in the snow yeah definitely a terrier of some kind but like a big one honestly i kind of just picture like tramp from lady and the tramp i haven't thinking about lady and the tramp i'm trying to talk about disney i know we've been talking about disney so much well disney kind of has like a um you know fairy tale yeah and they've got they've got a stranglehold on sort of our cultural fairy tale zeitgeist so i i don't i feel bad about talking about it so much. But also, like, I think that's how most of us grew up.

It's relevant. So because he bit the kid, he got chained outside and have lost his voice from barking so much at everything he sees, probably. Oh, now I'm imagining Sasha. I know. Oh. Abby used to have the most gorgeous big brown poodle, like a standard poodle. So big one.

And she just was like fluffy and she would bark at the mailman. She would. Oh, she would run up and down the gate in front of our front yard. Bounding, but like in the happiest bark. Okay, that's exactly who I'm imagining in this story. Anyway, so as much attention as we've paid to the dog, the snowman has not been listening at all to the dog's sob story.

He just. He's like real into this. He is very into the stove. he just he's like real into this he is very into the stove so he is still peering into the housekeeper's basement room where the stove stood on its four iron legs just about the size of the snowman himself opposites attract hell yeah they do he thinks to himself what a strange crackling there is inside me i wonder if I'll ever get in there. That's an innocent wish. And our innocent wishes are sure to be fulfilled.

It is my only wish. My biggest wish. It would be almost unfair if it wasn't granted. I must get in and lean against her, even if I have to break a window. The dog. Even if I have to break a window. Even if I have to break a window with my big snowy body somehow with my scary rake teeth relatable super relatable uh the dog says you'll never get in there and if you go near that still you'll melt idiot yeah listen listen to the snowman sighs i'm as good

as gone anyway i think i'm breaking up and day long, the snowman stands there and he looks through the window. And at twilight, a mild glow comes from the stove. Not like the moon, that horrible, hideous, stupid moon. But just the glow of a stove that has been well-filled. And he's just tantalized. Everybody's got a type. And the stove is the snowman's type for sure. He says, I can't stand it any longer.

How beautiful she looks when she sticks out her tongue. This is so romantic compared to the last story. HCA wrote some weird shit. What did you tell me to read? You found me some like snowman slash stove porn and i'm you know what that is what an a very fancy autobiographer recommended or said it was a compliment professional biographer slash folklorist i'm just glad hans christian anden finally found his sexuality

instead of just being sad about life just wait hang on I've got so much to talk to you about that on that score the night lasted forever but it didn't seem so long to the snowman because he stood lost in his own pleasant thoughts and in the morning

the window panes of the basement room were covered over with ice and he can't see her anymore. And it was just the sort of weather a snowman should most thoroughly enjoy because it's very snowy out and very cold. But he didn't enjoy it. Indeed, how could he enjoy anything when he was so stovesick? I am reading verbatim from the text here. Oh my gosh. This is definitely raunchy for Hans Christian Andersen.

Yeah, he was mad horny when he wrote this story. Very horny. And the dog is just watching all of this, just flabbergasted. This is a terrible sickness for a snowman says the watchdog i've also suffered from it myself but i got over it yeah i feel i feel like this story is very relatable and it's like yeah we've we've all been there we've all had you want someone that's not good for you at all. And it's so tempting that you can't think about anything else.

But it is not good and you know it. Kelsey, you know, is literally fanning herself right now. He's a fuck boy. Fuck him. He's a fuck boy for a reason because he's so good. Just ignore that. and she is literally too hot for him yeah too hot for the snowman why is this so much better than the virtue i'm so glad you read this

good lord it's so it's so like the fur tree was a very straightforwardly sad story and this is so weird great and raunchy and like sexy really sexy but also relatable okay go we've all been there snowman anyway so the dog once again predicts that there's going to be a change in the weather. Stop it. This might be my favorite fairy tale so far. The world begins to thaw. Spring is coming. And the snowman decreases as the thaw increases.

And he never complained about it and then one morning he collapsed and where he stood there was something like a broomstick sticking up from the ground and it was the pole that the boys had built him up around and the watchdog says now i can understand why he had such an intense longing for the stove. The snowman has had a stove rake in his body. That's what moved inside him. Now he's gotten over that too. The language in this is so suggestive. It's so weird.

Anyway. What the fuck? Anyway, he had a stove rake inside him and that's why he was just absolutely jonesing for that stove and soon the winter was over and the dog barks away away in the yard and the little girls in the house sang oh woodruff Woodruff, spring up fresh and proud roundabout and willow tree, hang your woodland mitts out. Come, Cuckoo and Lark, come and sing at February's close, we already have spring. Tweet, tweet, Cuckoo, I am singing with you.

Come out, dear sun, come often skies of blue and nobody thought anymore about the snowman. The end. and nobody thought anymore about the snowman the end that's just it that is my pr reaction it's just like awkward silence hans what's up dude that was a story that he wrote what was on your brain i love this so much there is a pretty solid theory about what was on his brain when he wrote this story will you please enlighten me i will enlighten you first i will say you got two predictions right, I believe. A snowman came to life and he melted away. I, you know...

I do not think that had a happy Christian ending. No, there was no Christian ending. It was about a snowman's lust for a stove. You know what? I feel like that's all of our ending when you love a fuckboy or a fuck girl or what?

Or fuck them. Or a fuck stove. Fuck person. Fuck stove. I'm sorry. I'm just saying we've all been there. And it's one of those things where it's like love is suicide. Just cut that out.

Oh my God. No, keep that in. just cut that out no keep that in we're we're just like so you just melt and you're done and you're okay with it so kelsey so let me tell you and he's in his 60s at this he's at his middle age he's solidly middle age at this point let me tell you about the fuck boy this story is about so i don't know if you already knew this, but apparently Hans Christian Andersen was bisexual. I did not know that. I'm so happy to know that. Yeah, me too.

I'm like, I love learning about that because people had to hide it. That you almost never know whether or not a historical figure was queer. And I feel like we need more people in our big gay family. How do you know? From his diaries. Oh my God, I love this. He kept extensive diaries about his entire life. Oh my God, now this makes it so much.

It's not a fuck boy. It's just somebody you can't like- Let go. Oh my God, this is- So let me tell you this story. So in his diaries, he apparently wrote a lot about being attracted to women. And he had a few affairs with men as well.

He was bad at picking up ladies. Bad at it. People are mean about Hans Christian Andersen. One person said that he was so bad at picking up chicks that his bisexuality was more just him hedging his bets by expanding his pool of potential dates. That's rough, but also that's just one of the benefits of being a body. Exactly. It's like you've got a much larger pool of potential mates. But anyway. Which is only a good thing.

Anyway, which is only a good thing. So this story was likely the product of him pining over a handsome young dancer at the Royal Theater in Copenhagen named Harold Scharf. Oh, they have a name? Oh, my God. I have to look up Harold Scharf. His diary for this particular set of years was like full of Harold. This has so much tea. Yes, this is very hot tea i can't even handle what's happening right now what was his name harold harold sharp i love how a bunch of

photos of hans christian anderson come up when you google harold sharp oh that doesn't seem fair no it's not because it's like he was a dancer he was pretty yeah he was a very pretty man he's got curly hair and he's got like one of those club chins yeah he was nice looking you can see why hans was like oh my gosh is that a picture of them together so they kept bumping into each other a lot in the early 1860s they ran in some of the same social circles. He was pretty famous by then. He was a famous artist. He was a well-known writer. And the first time he met Harold was actually he was returning to Copenhagen after visiting Charles Dickens in England. So I don't know if Dickens hated him that much if he invited...

So they kept bumping into each other a lot in the early 1860s. They spent a week in Munich together in 1861 with a mutual friend before parting ways for the christmas season during which hans wrote the snowman because he was feeling depressed over saying goodbye to harold because that week in munich he fucking fell in love with this guy so after the christmas season was over they actually got together for a couple of years which HCA said was one of the happiest times of his life in his diary and he called it a very erotic period in his life that's why the story was so good I mean like because you could feel

like the raw lust in the story of how much he wanted to bang this guy. But Harold ended things in late 1863 to focus on his career and his friendship with Loritz Edgart, who was an old roommate of his who had married an actress. I'm sure there was something going on there. This 1800s tea is strong. The Victorian era was only buttoned up looking on the surface and then underneath that, everybody was having very kinky sex with everybody. What would your fix be? Oh shit, I didn't even fix the story. I was so excited

to tell you about Harold and Hans. Justice for the dog. Yes, justice for the dog. I don't care if the snowman gets the stove. In fact, the stove should be left alone to do her stove thing, and she doesn't need to know about the pervy snowman staring out of the window. So I think that worked out. Or he, apparently.

He should, the stove, he should just. He clearly didn't need the snowman. That was the exciting twist that we all needed in our lives. Or they, whatever their pronoun is. You know what? It's okay. It's cool. Well, I mean, the snowman seems pretty sure

it's a lady stove. Yeah, but that's just the story. That's for everybody else. So Hans was pretty sad about getting dumped, especially since Harold kind of ghosted him. In his diaries, Hans says that Harold just basically just stopped showing up at his apartment. And he just said it was over.

They still moved in a lot of the same social circles. Whenever he and Harold bumped into each other at parties and stuff, they were always on very good terms. So it was a very, like, unbitter breakup, even though Hans apparently tried to lure Harold back into his bed unsuccessfully many times. his bed unsuccessfully many times and uh so now every time we do a hans christian anderson story we officially have to preface it with this story is by known disaster bisexual hans christian anderson i'll have to write that down known bisexual disaster hans christian anderson so um if you're interested in going into a deep dive on hans christian anderson we are definitely planning on doing a deep dive into all the hans christian anderson tea into this bisexual mess on our patreon at fairytalefix.cash or just go to fairytalefixpod.com or just email us and tell us your tea yes if you have, we would love to hear it. Do you want to air some of your dirty laundry on our podcast?

Because we would legitimately love that. Legitimately love that. It always makes me sad to hear about someone who, you know, you have a lot of love in your heart. And it's not gender norm or whatever for that time. And that sucks. not gender norm or whatever for that time and that sucks like it breaks my heart that he has to write it in a certain way or yeah the idea that somebody has to pretend they're someone they're not and that's it makes me sad me too i mean i i don't know i don't know what else to say outside of like that's just really unfortunate that he couldn't be like more open with what his story was actually about that story

was also so good so maybe it was perfect so strange but it it makes me i didn't know any of that so it makes me wonder if anderson had just because you know like oh maybe they didn't like him and that's why because they were like oh he's you know weird because he's not like everybody else which is boring and just a cultural, a product of your culture. Well, and the thing is, is like, it seems like he tried to be like everyone else. Like he actively tried to get a woman to marry him for a long time and then just kind of gave up and lived like the bohemian artist lifestyle. I think that his selfness or whatever else he had going on

was just irrepressible and he was sort of punished for that as it is and it should be because you can't fake it for that long love is something that's it's the most powerful powerful force yeah yeah the like merlin from sword in the Stone came back full circle. I love that. It does. And how great Mad Madam is. Mad Madam Mim is. If there's any thoughts you should take away from this, it's that Madam Mim is great. And also that just witches are great.

And stoves are sexy. Thank you so much for listening to Fairytale Fix. If you enjoyed the show, please subscribe and leave a review. You have no idea how much that helps us. You can find us on Apple, Stitcherer spotify literally wherever you listen to podcasts you can also find us on twitter and instagram at fairytale fix pod and please email us your favorite fairy tales folklore nursery rhymes and other such things maybe some of your dirty laundry or hot tea that you know, and email that to info at fairytalefixpod.com. And the fir tree was taken to the compost bin

and a seedling sprouted from a pine cone in the springtime. And the old watchdog was seen by a loving family from the street, and they thought that it was so sad he was there, so they struck him free of his chains and brought him to their house house where he got his own cushion and a place by the fire. And they lived happily ever after. The end.